The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast 070911

Episode Date: September 7, 2011

There is an animal theme running through this weeks podcast, with chat about Radio Cockerel, the Whippet's strange habit and a Birmingham fox.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and it's not the weekend podcast. I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with the cockerel. I can't find you something.

Well, I could sneeze. Yeah, go on. I've got a sneeze. Oh, it's gone now. Oh, well, the moment's gone now, let's face it. Always the way. I was thinking, if you're going to have the Cocker, what about this for my jingle? Hello, Mr Radio.

Nice. If I can get people to call me Mr Radio. Mr Radio, excellent. What about this? That would represent... I'd do it just because I know Chris Evans would be so upset he hadn't thought of it first. Because I bet at home, I bet he makes his family

and friends call him Mr Radio. That's my guess. You're going to have to start wearing a polka dot shirt now. Hello, Mr Radio. Eddie Izzard used to be known as Mr Radio, didn't he? No, did he? Maybe not. I know he's a tranny. Brian!

I just knew it was radio. There was a radio element. I'm not saying that's a radio element. Brian! I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I respect him and admire him for it. Although he does look a bit too much like Barney Rubble for a lady dress. But, you know, good old days. Anyway.

The hands are always the giveaway. Are they? What, on... Well, they've put Too much nail polish on. Oh, the cockerel's done his jingles. There you go. They put nail polish on, you see. And women don't wear... What, cross-dressers?

Women don't wear nail polish. They definitely do. They don't do it in the way that cross-dressers do. This is all getting a bit tricky. I think I could get away with it. I've got quite effeminate hands. Lovely hands. This is not a podcast, is it? This is to be a television programme at this point. I like man illustrates his gentle hands on radio.

Actually, it's not radio. What is it? What is a podcast? Ether, isn't it? Somewhere in between radio and not radio. Anyway, now we've established what we are, let's get on with it. Yeah, so... Oh, I've had a difficult week, I'll be straight with you.

Why? Well, I've often spoken on, I was back to the wagon wheels from last week's show. I often go to a nine quidid hairdresser in Soho in London. And it's a very cool place, I must say. It's in the centre of Soho, and it's the sort of place often when I've been having my hair cut in there, they're all sort of Australian people, you know, travellers, people who are, you know, they talk about how they were clubbing the night before

and all that kind of stuff. And often people will nip in. Someone will come in and say, Oh, Steve, Steve. And they'll come in and go, Oh, hello, darling. Oh, man, what a night I had last night. I was at Velvet till four o'clock in the morning.

I don't like the sound of Velvet. No, well, I've made that up because I can't think of any real names. And then I went across to Abercrombie for an hour. And then it was Horsemeat. And then back to horse meat. Are there a lot of what I call flamboyant bachelors working there? Not working there, but they often pop in.

Oh, OK. I can read between the lines. Yeah, but it's cool. It's very cool. Anyway, I was walking past there the other day on my way somewhere else and I thought, this is my opportunity to be one of those people who nip in when they don't want a haircut they're just passing socially I thought I'm gonna be one of the in crowd and I was quite excited about it and there's a very nice woman who works there who often cuts my hair who's leaving soon and going back to Australia so I thought I'd you know I'd just

make sure that I had one last haircut with her so I mentioned when she was leaving. So I thought, this is a golden opportunity to be one of those. Hey! Just nipped in. So I went in and everybody stared at me like I'd walked into a Wild West saloon for a start-up. She was cutting someone's hair and I went at her and I said, oh, I just... And she sort of went, what? Oh, God, I'm into cringe mode now.

And there was a real sense of, can't you see I'm busy? And it was like Bradley Walsh had turned up at the Mobos. It was so... I realised I could never be one of the people that just drop into these hairdressers. And people were staring at us, kind of, what's he doing in it? What's this old guy?

Like I'd picked up my daughter from the disco or something. It was absolutely excruciating. And I'm not sure now if I'll ever be able to have my hair cut there again. I don't want you going back there. I don't like the fact, all the little smiles when the money's jangling around with the nine pounds nine quid yeah yeah when i'm flashing my nine quid it's a story i think it's when you started uh the tip after the tip furore that's what's happened maybe

but this seems up do you round it up to attend i don't i i don't want to write them offers but i just felt oh i sewed on the wrong when walked away, honestly, my shoulders were so in cringe mode. I bet you I was eight inches shorter than my normal stature. My breathing had gone a bit shallow. It was a bit like that. Oh, God, it was terrible. And then I went to the cinema to see Captain America. Oh, yeah.

What was it like? Well it started off, pardon? What did you watch? I find he's, he didn't know where to put his shield. It won't fit in that thing. It's bad enough when people bring luggage with them. Exactly. Anyway so I got in there and the film was about to start, so I put my 3D glasses on. And then I noticed that no one else had put their 3D glasses on. Oh, fine. Shame. And then there was a woman who turned and really stared at me. I mean, in a hostile, in a real, what are you doing with those on?

And I thought, I really started to lose my confidence and thought, oh, maybe, is it not 3D? And she was looking at me and she was very 3D. She was leaning over the back of the chair. Anyway, the film started and I thought, these fools haven't realised that this is 3D. And it started and I thought, is this, is it or is it? I thought I saw some traces of 3D-ness.

Do you know what I mean? And I kept the glasses on for a bit and then I thought, no one else has got them on. It isn't 3D. That's the worst thing that's ever happened in your life. And this woman still kept looking back at me as well. It may not be the worst thing ever. It's the worst thing that's ever happened in his life.

That's awful. I don't think it was quite as bad as the nine-quid hairdressers. At least it was dark. Can we just backtrack somewhat? I need more specific information. Had you brought along your own 3D glasses from home? No. Or you'd bought them in the cinema?

Well, I hadn't bought them. They hand them out on the way in. Oh, they hand them out? But, I mean, it was a multi-screen, so they might have been handing them out for another 3D movie. I'm sure it said Captain America 3D outside. Anyway, I stuck with them for about ten minutes, knowing, having realised it just wasn't 3D.

And I thought, maybe I can kid them that these are my long-distance glasses that I bought. And this woman kept looking back to see if I'd still got them on. Oh, it's so terrible. And they look like, I know those 3D glasses, they're a bit like snide Ray-Bans, because I produced them once for a meeting, a business meeting, it wasn't a good look.

What, you put 3D glasses on for a business meeting? No, they looked like my Ray-Bans, and I'd kept them in after watching a film, and I kept them in my bag, and I went, buh-bye, buh-bye, and I put the 3D glasses on. It was awful well this is almost as embarrassing as Frank wearing the cinema I felt one person walked out of the cinema and I wondered if they'd looked at me and thought oh god I haven't got my glasses and then I would have felt even worse but they they came they sat when they came back in they they sat further back.

And I think they went out to get glasses for a non-3D film. They actually went out to get them, down to me. But it was, oh, it was awful. Oh, thank you. It's not a good week. I shouldn't, this shouldn't be, I've got international representation. It shouldn't be happening to me. I should be cosseted from these sort of things in life. Yeah, you need a hand holder. I once went to see, I think it was last year, a Toy Story film in Edinburgh and went to the toilet partway through, absentmindedly

pushed on the door right next to the cinema screen, noisy film, you know, a bit distracted and walked out the wrong door, ended up in a fire escape, and couldn't get back in. Couldn't get back in the door. They don't want a bit of cheating husbands. I was in this weird sort of, you know these other, in like in a big multiplex bits,

where you're outside and I'm going, well, I can't get back in. I'm in this weird sort of car park-y fire escape. I think you were going to say there was a man with like a big reel of film on her thing. A man from the 1950s smoking a roll-up cigarette. Yeah, but I'd gone out of the fire escape. So did you have to leave the cinema in the end? I thought I was going to have to walk right round the block,

back in the front door and go, I've just gone to the toilet, I'm actually already in the film. But as it was, I got my fingertips right under the bottom of the toilet. You just got to the toilet. Have you got any napkins? I've sold myself as well, yeah. No, I got my fingers right under the bottom of the door and created enough of a pull to get... Oh, the cockerel went a bit born identity.

I did, I had to, I had to. Love it! I bet the whole audience was watching that steadily opening door. Yeah. Oh, no. And then had to come back in and then go to opening door. Yeah. Oh, man. And then had to come back in and then go to the toilet. It was all very embarrassing. I must... I'd have gone to the toilet in the corridor,

having gone that far. I wouldn't have bothered even going into the corridor. No? It was awkward, definitely. Yeah, but not as bad as the 3D glasses. No, yours is... Mind your own business, this woman. If I wanted to watch with, you know,

mind your own business, and really staring at me. Yeah, you might have had a gammy eye under there. It could have been anything. Or it could have been an affectation, a style affectation. Yeah. And what's wrong with that?

Yeah, it could have been Timmy Mallet having an afternoon out. Just trying to take a bit of the gaudiness off his shirt. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps in the darkness you're thinking, is that Timmy Mallet or is it not? I think he's an artist now, Timmy Mallet. Timmy Mallet is an artist?

To me, he always... Whoa! To me, Frank, he always was an artist. It's a difference of opinion there. To me, he was always a buffoon. I think he's an artist. Of what nature? I don't know what...

I'm sure I saw some of his work somewhere. Are you getting confused with Neil Buchanan? No. Oh, OK. Who was Neil Buchanan? He was of Art Attack fame. Oh, I remember Art Attack. No, I'm not getting...

Are you getting confused with Rembrandt? No. Tony Hart. Is it Tony Hart? Yeah, Tony Hart. Yeah, he's now a wacky DJ. I'm afraid he's no longer with us. He's no longer with us.

No. Has he morphed? He's... Cockroach. Oh, marvellous. He always used to wear those Apache scarves, Tony Hart.

Do you remember the Apache scarf? A white crew neck. With a cabras ring that the two ends of the scarf used to go through. Yes. He was flamboyant. It's jokes like that Morph one that got our cockerel onto Just A Minute. I think that would be regarded as too topical for Just A Minute. No, the cockerel, I know this. I didn't hear be regarded as too topical. For just a minute. No, the cock crawl.

I know this. I didn't hear it, I'm afraid, cock crawl. But we did have an email in saying, Hi, Frank and gang, I listened to Just a Minute the other day with Alan Cochran. And very good it was, too. That was from Tony Grove. You see, anyone who listens to Radio 4 comedy is going to say, And very good it was, too.

Everything about it. I think the laughs on Just A Minute, is there an audience there? They feel like they've kept laughs from 1950s radio programmes. Nobody laughs like that anymore. Those people do.

Yes, they still do. My parents do, to be fair. Very much so. I've never met your parents, but I can imagine them being Radio 4 sort of people. I love Radio 4, but there is... Just a minute, and I'm sorry I haven't a clue, do seem to be from a completely different decade.

For me, you were representing the modern world. Right. Well, I like it. I'm not saying I don't like it it's uh i did uh i did um i didn't do it i did you know there's versions of it all over the world i did uh the alaskan um it's called just an inuit yeah it was uh you do the talking for minute, but there's also some competitive snowballing as a tiebreaker. Now, what I like about it, though,

is that you said something funny on it, and it wasn't an answer to anything. You just said it. And Nicholas Parsons said, well, I'm accepting that interruption, but I liked your remark, Alan, so I'm giving you a point for that. And I love that,

that he's broken down witty conversation into point scoring opportunities. Some sort of, somewhere in Nicholas' past, imagine he's in an enormous nerve centre at home with a slightly shiny blue screen like they have at the centre of the O2 network. And he's there, and he's got a sort of a banter league table.

And he's moving things around the table, like little flags. What do you think? Yeah, I think that's probably exactly how his mind works. But I thought you were splendid on me. I saw you as our representative. Oh, well, I feel like my career is moving into radio with every day. Yeah, well, you can't have everything. radio with every day.

Yeah, well, you can't have everything. I do slightly worry about a panel show where Giles Brandreth is regarded as the jewel in the crown. I'm not sure he is. Is he a regular there? I've got the feeling on this that he was the star. Oh, is he? Josie Lawrence as well.

She wasn't on it. I think some of these new comics might have replaced her. No names, no Patrick. Oh. But it was... When I'm in the car, I like to combine listening to Radio 4 with listening to a series of audio CDs. That's what I'm...

Oh, dear. Yeah. All my music listening seems to be at home now, in the car. I want the spoken word. It's company more than anything. Yeah. Because I do long distances on my own, you see, to football matches mainly.

Oh, is it? Yeah, Kath won't do a football match. So it's become my garden shed, my car, that I sit in there for hours listening to stuff. And I actually recorded an audio book this week. I did Ozzy Osbourne's Trust Me, I'm Dr. Ozzy. So you read it? I read it.

I also read his autobiography before. I am one of my dogs. You're Ozzy Osbourne's interpreter. I'm his voice. Yeah. If he has some terrible illness and loses his voice, they'll want me to record the sort of Hawking sound box thing. That'll be me.

Why don't they get him to do it? He won't do it. Oh. He just won't do it. He won't be told. I don't know what his sight reading's like to be up front. And Frank, it's the jangling of the bracelets. Well, there's that as well. You can't get rid of it. So I don't do what his sight reading's like to be up front. And Frank, it's the jangling of the bracelets. You can't get rid of it.

So I don't do it as him. Right. You know, I'm not doing all that. You could, you've got the skills. No, I couldn't do that. I mean, we're talking, I mean, I was in there for ten hours. Yeah, you'd come out lightheaded. Yeah, I would, yeah.

So I think they think I'm the nearest thing to it. But I like the fact that they're sold in America. So in America they've got me being on the office. But I'll tell you what the highlight of the day was for me. You know I like a pencil. The pencils in this studio were made from reconstituted newspaper. No. And you can see

I've got one here. Is that replaced your What Would Emily Do pencil? Well, nothing could replace that. But if you look at the tip of that you can see a hint of newspaper in it. Pass me the tip, Alan. Oh, yeah. I've passed the pencil to the cockerel. The cockerel's

effeminate hands are now passing his pencil along. Emily Dean, who wears a leopard print scarf for the purposes of this pencil examination. Leo print, actually. Leo print? What does that mean? It's a fashion term. Surely Leo is the lion that has no print. It's called Leo.

I'm handing the pencil back to Frank. That's lovely, Frank. So I feel I'm not killing any trees or anything when I'm writing with this. That is good. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Yes. How dare you?

Is that your saying or is that something... I think it's a well-known saying. Is it? Yeah. It's my first time. Is it a bit like mirror signal manoeuvre? Yes. Yeah.

Exactly. They probably have it down at the dump. I spend a lot of time at the dump. Do you? Yeah. What, in a seagull suit? I like the idea of that. Yeah.

Never mind the dump. Frank, we've been talking about... That's a new panel game. The Sex Pistols album that never really sold well. We've been talking about Alan and his big moment this week. I don't know if it's his big moment. It was a big moment.

Okay, it was a big moment. Can we talk about me? My big moment was Nevermind the Dump. But that's a different story. Can we just talk about me briefly? Yeah. Okay. So I had a bit of a celebrity night out last week.

Well, you don't say. Well, I do say. I very much say. I went to the recording of, it may have escaped your notice, it may not have, but Jonathan Ross's show is back. He's a close personal friend of mine. I know that. And I went to the recording of his first show.

I'm just pausing here for you all to be impressed. But no one said anything. Well, we're agape. I'll give you a wow. I certainly am. I had a bit of green room action. I love a bit of green room action. There were some good guests.

Well, there were, yeah. Very good guests. Oh, Adele, lovely. Loved her. Very down to earth. Was she rolling in the deep? No. We don't play enough of her on Absolute.

I often think that. I love Adele. Do you? Well, you know when you meet someone and you just suddenly think... I bet she's very down to earth. Is she down to earth? Very down to earth. I know she'd be down to earth.

She took her heels off. She went, oh, God, he's killing me. She was like that. And then Lewis Hamilton... Give her two years of success. No! Lewis Hamilton was nice. My dressing room hasn't been painted in the last two weeks.

Sorry. Lewis Hamilton, the skin on the man. The glowing skin on the man. Maybe he's spending his unpaid British taxes on moisturising. Being as he is a tax exile. It's a waste cooped up in that car. You'd have to moisturise that. If you're driving around at 200 miles an hour,

that's going to dry the skin out. He had extraordinary skin. Did he? Oh, lovely. And very short hair. And so neat. So neat. The neatness of the trimmed beard.

Did you ask him what moisturiser he used? No, I didn't, but I did have a make-up incident. Because I met him in the make-up room. That's where you chat. You know, a bit like you went into the hairdressers. The pits, as you call it. Exactly. So we were in the makeup room chatting how tall is lewis hamilton oh he's well i had four and a half inch heels on right and i'd say he was about my height which would have made me five seven with the four and a half he looks little doesn't he i think he's about five six and a half five seven

yeah i've had him pegged slightly above that, but I've never met him. Well, he was next to J-Ro, and J-Ro's very tall. Who? Jonathan Roth. Oh, that's... You know it's J-Ro now. I got that. I don't know why, but I know I... So, Jonathan was about to go on,

and I said, oh, well, good luck, good luck. Went to kiss him. That was great. And then afterwards, he came off, we all said, great show. I noticed a massive make-up stain on his jacket. I know. Well, it was either me or it was Adele or it was SJP.

I'm going to have to watch this back now and look for it. Which lapel am I looking at? I felt so responsible, Frank. And I don't know if he'd noticed it. I haven't even fessed this up to him. I hope they can fix it in the HD. But, you see, that's happened to me before. I did it with Antonessed this up to him. I hope they can fix it in the HD. But, you see,

that's happened to me before. I did it with Anton Dubeck once. Did you really? Yeah. Well, I was wrong about him. And what, you kissed Anton Dubeck? It's an orange smear on the jacket. It was awful. No, that's him. The orange smear on the jacket. It was awful. No, that's him. The orange smear, I think,

this has been his boxing now. And now Anton, the orange smear de beck. And he'd come in bounding in. In a silk, used to be an orange silk dressing gown with the hood. And on the back it said the orange smear. Well, I didn't know what to do, because he's very... When he kisses you, hello, Anton, he's very...

He gets up close and personal, and he often makes a comment. It's hard to kiss anyone from a distance, to be fair. No, but there's ways. There's ways and ways. Oh, is he... Does he take advantage? No, he doesn't take... Well, yeah, he does a bit. Yeah, he's either plasticine, chest guard, man, taking the imprint. But no, I left a massive smear and i and he seems the type that would be quite meticulous if you know what i mean i've i've i'd

certainly had him down as meticulous he's a meticulous bachelor i think yeah well i don't know you see um well anyway we won't go into that i think um i think now you mentioned it i think he might be a bit of a lady isn't it oh do back yeah so you think I think he might be a bit of a lady, isn't he? Oh. Dubec. Yeah. Whereas I thought he was a bit of a lady. But no, I think he's a man about time. Oh, is he? Well, what was difficult about the make-up on the collar?

Was it what do you do? Well, Anton's or Jonathan's? Well, both, really. See, Anton. I mean, people have to get a good grip on Anton on that show, don't they? You can't get any purchase if he's covered in sort of oily substance. But that's the trouble. I said that to him at that wrestling thing we did for charity.

Half Nelson, I said, I'm lucky if I can get a quarter. Sorry. You must have had that, though. Have you had women kiss you hello or something or embrace you and then... Not since the 80s. I haven't. I have never had a make a makeup smear on any of my clothing right from a from an affectionate kiss by a lady and if it happened i'd have to kill her just for the good of my marriage it's uh i mean it's an accident waiting to happen, I have to say.

It's a real issue. I think it's partly not you, is it? Surely it's... Didn't you say another guest was Sarah Jessica Parker? Well, I wondered whether it might be SJP. She's got a lot of face. She's got a big old face, hasn't she? And has she had those...

She uses a roller. Did she have moles or... Because that would be like a daughter bingo pen, wouldn't it? If she had the... SJP's got moles. I thought she had moles, but I think they might a daughter bingo pen, wouldn't it? SJP's got moles. I thought she had moles, but I think they might have gone. What do you mean gone? I didn't examine. I think she hadn't dealt with.

Did she? I don't remember her moles. In SATC she had them. I think I might be thinking of the guy from DL and Pascoe. What did they do? They're off. They're off. Next stop. What happens to all those moles

that are removed? I hope there's no phone calls to Coco Pops going on, that's all I can say. Awful. When you think, if you actually stand back from the make-up on collar situation, it is a ludicrous situation. The whole thing is ludicrous.

I mean, forgive me for saying, but they're painting my flat at the moment. When I walk in, there's a big sign that says wet paint. Consequently, I don't go near it, so I don't get stuff on my clothes. Whereas women don't seem to feel any need for that. Where's the warning with women? Wet face. Powdery face. If you stand back from it, it feels a bit weird

because isn't it somewhat strange, if you think about it, that people go out in a sort of disguise? Yeah. I'm including you, Emily Dean, in all this. I don't think the word including, I think aiming it at you is perhaps the word

you're searching for. No, I'm thinking the whole general, certainly not aiming. But if I said to you, a funny thing happened to me this week, I went along to

Jonathan Ross's chat show and I went as the IVF pioneer Robert Winston. You'd think, that's a bit, what? You did want to ask. Kissing

Gerica, uh, Gerica. No. Gerica, Sarah Jessica Parker. And when I pulled back, she got an enormous moustache. I realised it had come off me. And it was there. You'd think, what kind of a story is, what do you mean you went as another person? But if you said, I went along and

I shaved and had a bath, I'd think congratulations. That's a bit different no it's not it's personal grooming it's improving your appearance disguise that's all it is shaving is a disguise it's like it's being someone else if shaving is a disguise if i said i went out i decided i'm gonna do the showers of south africa today you should all have beards. Welcome here to Absoluterania. I've been able to say to myself, it's my make-up voice! Shut up about it! It's like those women on the

make-up counter. Yeah. It's alright. We know what you're selling. You don't have to cover yourself in it. I can't. I'm afraid I can't join into this. This is how I'm in my living, I'm afraid. Well, not on the make-up counter. Don't bite the hand

that feeds. Oh, exactly. If I go into a gentleman's outfit as though, I don't expect them to wear a suit, waistcoat, overcoat, scarf. I don't want to look at it on the shelf. Well, no, they don't tend to in cancer research. I love the idea you go into a gentleman's

outfit. I certainly do. Something for the weekend. But they don't have to wear all the stock, but the make-up women. I like them to wear the stock, you see. I want to see what I'm getting. Their heads are much smaller, you know, when they're cleansed. They have to have two hats. They have to have their non-make-up hat and their make-up hat.

It's a half an inch difference. Elton John's wig. So I think it's about time women just, you know, just gave up on the makeup thing. Now, there is something slightly ridiculous about it, but I occasionally have that when shaving my face. I do think this is silly. Just have a beard.

I'm using a bit of sharpened metal to scrape hair that could grow on my face. This is ridiculous. Go Kitson. I have lots of moments like that. I sometimes have a beard. I'm on off. It's a movable feast. I had a moment of extraordinary ridiculousness this week.

Twice, in fact. Not even once. As you know, I'm the owner of a Whippet. You didn't shave it. She was caked in make-up, gave me a kiss and left it on my suit. Is she ex-lab? I don't mean

Labrador, I mean laboratory. She's not. Anyway, I've been taking her out for a run to the local meadows. Taking a whippet for a run is quite hard work. Yeah, she can really go. Don't touch a dish. I mean, ever.

She's fine. I pretend to eat her food, don't I? Oh, of course, yeah. But she's fine with the dish. But what I have noticed, a bad habit of hers, is deliberately rolling in fox poo. Deliberately. And it's quite smelly, fox poo.

Really smelly. What do they eat? Poultry. Bins. Foxes. Foxes, I'm not sure what they eat. Bins. But they eat out of bins so the food is rotting. I think you've got to mix it up with the homeless.

Again. Yeah. I know, because I used to roll in homeless droppings on a regular basis. Did you? And you could smell the bins on them. No, why do they roll in sex from them? I think it's because they want to disguise their own smell, because it apparently helps them in the hunt.

They think that the prey won't smell, oh, that's a whippet coming up behind me. You'd think that the prey would think that's something covered in fox poop coming up behind me. I don't know why. I don't know why they do it. But it's a pack thing. What is that? Horrible. The whippet's not trying to attract...

There's some local beagles he's got his eye on that he's trying to draw it. I've never heard of this phenomenon before the rolling in folks. Well, let me tell you, it's led to quite a weird thing. Twice this week, I have had to wash my whippet and then... That's not a UK thing. It really sounds like one. It does, doesn't it?

Twice this week, I've had to wash my whippet and rub tomato sauce in it. When my wife said, oh, you rub tomato sauce in her fur, I was like, OK, this is obviously some prank, and then you phone everyone going, yeah, yeah, I got him to rub tomato sauce into the dog. But no, that is apparently the advice. It neutralises the odour.

So I had this weird moment of standing in my own garden... Has she got mixed up with a hot dog. Yes. I was rubbing Sainsbury's organic tomato ketchup into my dog. What a weird world this is. I've never ever heard of that

before. And what level of trial and error did they go through before they went yep, tomato sauce neutralises fox poop smell? Actually, now you come to mention it, I remember David Baddiel used to do it when we worked with Basil Brush. I used to have to smear him with mayonnaise. No, it's a strange tale and no mistaking.

Like a strange tale. I mean, if anybody wants to email in with an alternative to fox... And did it work? Tomato ketchup. I think it works a bit in neutralising the smell. Presumably she smells her tomato ketchup after. What I did was put the tomato ketchup in and then five minutes after that I washed her again with a bit of soap and water.

So she's getting a lot of washes. Oh, yes. It's eating into my day. Shep, my last dog, he died at 18. I think I remember washing him once. I put him in the bath. I remember he stood... I put about three inches of soapy water in.

It was like World War II all over again. And I put him in there and I stood him up. And he slipped and he started to panic. He started kind of running on the spot like in Tom and Jerry, trying to stand up. I could hear the dog nails hitting the enamel of the bath. And he was sort of running on the spot and he sort of built up his

own froth behind him from the thing and he he really kept trying to get out and stuff and he really didn't like it and i i didn't like uh i didn't enjoy the undercarriage elements of the wash but when when you saw all that froth you thought this this could be a gap in the market for a phone party here is that what they're doing i don't know if they existed they want to take a step we need to ask our other producer god that is uh but you see i'm quite jealous because of the access the whippet had to the fox the access to fox poop well no not the poo oh they don't but do you know my feelings about foxes alan no i don't know if you're aware. I do not know.

Oh, I'm quite fond of a fox. Oh, really? I wanted to buy them as a pet, but Frank deterred me. He was worried that I'd dress it up in his suit. Didn't you deter your dog as well? No. No, it's a strange fascination. I'm obsessed.

There was a woman this week, she was at Birmingham, and she apparently, she said she woke up in the morning and a fox was sitting on her chest. Yes. Is it true, that story? She's got a picture of it, Frank. Tony, her husband, went out for a smoke. I mean, she's got a picture of it.

It looks to me that that could... It looks like it's in a magazine rack. Where is it in the house, that picture? It's in the bedroom. It just leapt off the bed. I recognise some of the interiors. Well, it looks to me like an oven glove in a magazine rack. Tony went out downstairs for a smoke in the morning and that's how the fox got in.

She was terrified. She said... Now, that's my fantasy. That's my absolute fantasy. To wake up under a fox. Foxy in the bedroom. I'd have it in the bed. Foxy in the bedroom, I know. I also noticed that this woman

has had a picture of her bedroom and she had rosset coloured cushions on the bed and I thought, that's what. She's welcome. There was a rosset coloured, you know, she's put two and two together and got five. Still a little bit hazy. She's had a little bit of lots of fucks.

Well, I think it's... It said that, luckily, she thought it was a cat, the husband said, so she didn't get upset. They don't have a cat. So if she'd woke up and there was a cat on her chest, she'd have been quite calm. I would never have let it out. I...

Oh, no. I can barely even out I can barely even I can barely even imagine having a fox in the bedroom that's how limited my imagination is I'm not a fan you don't like the urban pelt

I do not like the urban fox I think they're getting too cocky they're too assured when you drive past them in London and they sort of look at you as if to go shall I move? I don't know. And then they have a little thing as if have we overtaken them yet in the food chain?

No, I'll give them another six months and they move out of the way begrudgingly. I know what you mean. I saw one early this morning on Whitehall. Very near to Downing Street. Oh, political fox. One crossing the road, yeah. Like a political fox. I saw one by a cash point.

I don't know if he was using it. But I like that he was there. They're everywhere. I think we're talking pandemic. I don't know quite what pandemic means, but endemic seems to be a bit old-fashioned there. Very pandemic. I have my doubts about that

story. Do you? Yeah. It's just because she's from Birmingham and you feel... Well, when she said, when I jumped out of the bed, I slipped on my fantastic Mix the Fox pyjama case. I thought, I think I know what's... No, it just feels like a... Would it be on your chest? Is that likely?

Oh, they can get everywhere. Yeah, but presumably it's after food, isn't it? She described it as a cheeky so-and-so. I like that. You don't often hear that expression. Are they germ carriers? Oh, heavens, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Because the combination of the bins and the... Oh, a bit like a lice farm or something. Do you think? I hadn't thought of that element. Disgusting. I imagine they used to make them into hats, didn't they, at one time? Foxes. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And stoles. Yeah. Yeah? What's that, like a collar? Yeah. Yeah. I'm happy to talk about this for this one, even.

And they bark. Foxes? Yeah. Oh, they scream, don't they? Oh, yeah. And they have a lovely, innate cunning. You really like foxes. More than every time I've worked up

that there's been a woman from Birmingham underneath me, I've screamed as well. We are Absolute Radio. And right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.