The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 10 Aug

Episode Date: August 10, 2011

Frank's got a new obsession, Emily has suffered a miscarriage of justice and someone is stealing Laura's thoughts

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So it was Jane Horrocks said the reason she did all those... What was it?

Was it Tesco? Sainsbury's? Anyway, the reason she did all those supermarket adverts, she said, is the money that she made from that meant that she didn't have to do rubbish television. Now, she's made a basic error there. That's like saying

setting fire to my house has stopped me from losing my house. Anyway. Oh, sorry. They were discovered, discussing Jane Horrocks, is what it will say on the write-up. This is Frank Skinner. This is Not The Weekend podcast.

I'm with Emily Dean and our guest presenter, Laura Solon. Yeah. I'm liking having another lady about. Yeah, it's good. Two ladies, one Frank. I love it. Oh, blimey, that was loud. Oh, blimey, that was loud.

Sorry if you've just fallen off your train seat if you listen to this on the iPod. A lot of people listen to this on the iPod. Some people on the laptop, some on the old Dandere radio set. Here it goes. Frank, I'd like to kick off with an email, if that's OK with you. Oh, you're going to kick off? Okay, fine This is from Elisa Winton and we were talking on the last podcast

I think it was, Laura about Frank's unfeasibly large head Unfeasibly? Well, that's not my opinion I hasten to add That's very much Frank's opinion He told us that he had a big head Well, I was told by a wardrobe

lady that me and Benny Hill had got the biggest heads in British comedy. Of course, he's not using his anymore. I was told I had a big head and very broad shoulders. Broad shoulders you've got. Oh, you've got a lovely delicate shoulder. Nice thing to say to a lady. No, I wish someone had said

that to me. Massive head, broad shoulder. They just said big head. Well, Elisa Winton, she shares your pain. She's writing in, she says, Dear Frank, I was most pleased to hear you mention your hat issues in this week's podcast. I too have a surprisingly... Bless you.

You see, hat issues. Bless you. Are you explaining it to me because I'm a lady? I'm explaining it to both of you because you're ladies, and any ladies listening. I too have a surprisingly large head, not in a moon-shaped kind of way, you understand. No, no, God, no.

Indeed, from the front I look quite normal. No, it is the lateral dimension that is the trouble. That's what I've got. It's from the back to the front. You'd never guess until I have to put on a cycling helmet. The cries of, oh, everyone looks bad in them soon wane once people actually see me. Problem is getting the depth

to match the width, to avoid it sitting on top of my head like an old man wearing a baseball cap. Oh, no, the fever. So, Elisa says, you may be interested to know that I've since found myself to be a size 7 and 3 eighths. I can still beat that. Really? What's yours? I'm 7 and a half. Is that

too big? She's a lady. That's way too big. Is that, you have to shop at a special hat shop called Wide and Round. I just can't take on a hat. High and Mighty. I can take on a hat with elastication. A baseball cap I have to leave. You know the bits where there's like a bobble and a hole at the back of that strap?

Dixon. They're just dangling down, oh down,, oh, down, oh. I can't face my beast more carefully. They're like a hospital operating gown on that head, aren't they? My head is so long from the front to the back. I once threw, I held on to one end of a tape measure and threw the body of it way, way back to see how far back it was. And it just landed on my head.

It didn't reach my nape. Would it be an aerodynamic head for cycling? Don't they speed cycle and their hats are quite like that? Yeah, but you see... They're cut through the air. I don't think I do. Is it taper or is it a block? No, it's just, it's long.

When I had very short hair, if you looked at the side view of my head, the ear looked like a small mollusk on a wide expanse of deserted beach. I think that's the best description I can come up with. But, you know, it causes all sorts of problems. But it's nice to know there are other people similarly afflicted. Yes, and I wonder if Elisa, like myself, has thought about, well, I've thought about it a thousand times, phoning the trade descriptions people and saying,

excuse me, I'm looking at a label that says one size fits all. Can we talk? You know, it's difficult. Frank, I'd like to... It's good since I've had the Dandere radio sex. It means I can play Dandere and the Mekong with a bit of green paint. The Mekong is a large-headed alien, in case you're wondering.

I'm imagining most of our listeners know the Mekong is, don't they? Oh, I would hope so. Good! It's very much their oeuvre, I think don't they? Oh, I would hope so. Good. It's very much their oeuvre, I think. Oh, it is. I couldn't eat anything now. Laura was talking about waterproof books earlier. Oh, Laura was talking about this.

I'd like to interrogate her further. I read the story this week that the first waterproof paperback hits the shelves. Now, this is an idea i had in the 90s i said there should be waterproof books because i kept dropping my book in the bath and now it's come out and this is the same as my idea for the duvet coat which was a duvet that you can wear so when you feel a bit tired or ill or hungover you can walk around where you live and wherever you lie you're covered in a duvet you don't have to go get it this from the bedroom. This is the point. I'm on a flight last year.

I opened the in-flight magazine telling me what I can purchase. There it is. A blanket with footholds, a slanket. Someone is stealing my business thoughts. Well, I came up with the idea of an in-flight magazine. I said to Wilbur, right, I said if you're going to be up there that long, Wilbur,

you're going to need some reading material. I don't act on these business dreams. No. And people laugh at them when I share them with people and then ten years later someone else is making, what, possibly millions from it. I can understand your frustration. But, Laura, I'm not a fan of the concept of the waterproof book, though.

What? Well, I just think... Did you enjoy...? Maybe if it was how to swim. That'd be handy, because when I have to keep going over gasping to the side to turn another page... I like... Well, I'll turn another page. I like...

Well, I'll tell you why. I like a tear stain, perhaps. I like a yellowed edge. I like a thumbprint. I like... That makes them precious, the kind of perishability of the book. If you drop the book...

I don't want it to look like a curry menu. That's the problem. And I just don't like the... I don't like that feeling on it. They're not laminated, though, are they? It's not lamination. It's a wax. A waxy seal.

And that makes me nervous. Yeah. That makes you anxious. It does. Well, I mean... Wipe clean books. Yeah, I suppose that makes it more sinister. It is a bit.

I just think there's a sense of antiquity about books, which I like. Maybe not waterproof, but bath-proof, then. So it's not all fluid. But I would never, never read in the bath. Really? If you had a waterproof... I suppose I could read in the shower. Yeah, exactly. Let's test it. Let's road test that.

I nearly swore then. I stopped myself. I didn't actually swear. I was going to say the first part of swear word. Oh, I know. The maternal element of swear word, rather than the sexual, I was going to say the first part of swear word. Oh, I know. The maternal element of the swear word, rather than the sexual, I was going to say. But then I thought, no, because I don't like the implications. That's what I thought. But yeah, you could read one of those books in the shower. You could read it

in the canal. Yeah. You could read it in the womb. Obviously, that would have to be other preparation. A friend of mine... What about this? You're talking about the missed idea. I still don't understand this.

A friend of mine, she said, I've had this idea for a book. What I'm going to do is I'm going to interview all my female friends and any women that I know and I'm going to see what's in their bags because I think you can tell a lot about a woman's personality by what's in her bag. So I'll write what's in the bag

and then do a little bit of an interview with her about those things. And I said, well, that's a great idea. Do it. Do it. And she said, I am. I'm working on it now. I've already done about six friends. Brilliant. So anyway, I'm looking at the paper about three months ago and this American guy has brought out this book, and it's called something like,

You Can Tell a Woman by Her Bag, and he's done exactly that thing, right? So I sent the link to her, and remember that thing, there used to be an advert on the telly for the GPO, and it would say stuff like, the slogan was, I saw this and thought of you, and the idea is you see something.

Yes. I remember writing it on dog excrement once before I put it through a sex offender's letterbox. Anyway, I sent her an email of this attachment of the book, and it said, I saw this and thought of you, and she texts back to me, ah, yes, I must get down to writing that book one of these days. And I thought, hold on a minute.

Hold on a minute. It wasn't supposed to be an aide de memoir. It means you've been beaten to the punch. She's just fine with it. Let's do another one. Well, I admire her optimism. Whilst at the same time having a certain amount of contempt for it. Well, he wouldn't necessarily write the definitive

what's in my bag analysis. No, but who's going to buy oh, I might buy another one of these. Yeah. I wonder what else. See what else is in other people's bags. Exactly. It's like dream interpretation. It's not all going to be the same, is it? What about my flavoured pen tops? I mean, that still hasn't caught on.

No, funny that. No, I thought you could have, well, there would be a one size fits all. You put them on the, you replace the blue, black or red or whatever on your biro. So instead of chewing the end. And you could have licorice, strawberry. Like a lolly. Yeah, so when you're chewing it, you know, it'd be nice. Well, I see. I was, my plan was I'd say that and you two would go, that is a... I knew it. I knew.

That's a Dragon's Den pitch. I'm testing it. Yeah. Because actually lots of those I did. And the man that went in and pitched the wheelie suitcase that kids can sit on and you pull them along, it's a kid's suitcase. And everyone said that's a ridiculous idea. And he's made a lot of money. Well, what about, Laura, the two ex-Big Brother contestants

who invented the mini teabag bin for the kitchen worktop, which you actually bought, Frank, at one point. I did. Did they invent the concept of a small bin? It was destroyed, of course, by my girlfriend throwing a frozen loaf at me. That's what happened to our small bin. The wheelie suitcase, though. Yeah, little wheelie suitcase little ride on animals suitcase

Frank hates wheelies I hate wheeled suitcases of any kind but I do like you enjoy difficult travel as a child I was sort of promised by a lot of programmes like Tomorrow's World the moving walkway I thought pavements

I thought I'd step out with my school uniform or perhaps after I'd left school I probably thought I'd step out with my school uniform on. Well, perhaps actually after I'd left school. I probably thought I'd be about 20 before it came out. And, you know, you'd go to work or to the pub accompanied by the same piece of dog excrement. If you were lucky. Yeah. And then when you go past the sex offender's door, you're ready.

But it's never happened. You get the ones in airports. I think I recently read a short story about one. Was it written by 20 persons? Yeah, a TP. Was it inspired by the remarkable events that go on every day in Heathrow Airport? I believe it was. In and around Terminal 5.

Yeah. Not 4. Like moving walkways and W. I believe it was. Like, moving... In and around Terminal 5. Yeah. Not four. Like, moving walkways and WH Smiths. I wish someone would write... A collection of short stories. A short story about the people who don't use the walk in... the moving walkway in an airport. I sometimes don't use it.

Don't you? You know why? Because people who get on the moving walkway don't understand that if you don't want to walk on the moving walkway, you stand to one side and you let people that do want to walk who are late for their flight go past. Oh, people who are late for their flight.

What's the point of having a moving walkway if you're going to walk on it? Because that's a belt and braces approach to speed. I always remain stationary on the moving walkway. Me too. Just in case anyone was curious, that's my position. I always start. I march down it. I like the feeling of fast walking. But then case anyone was curious, that's my position. I march down it. I like the feeling of fast walking.

But then when you get off, it's quite dangerous because you've got to go from moving very quickly to stand still. You're a bit of a, you strike me as a bit of a tarmac pelter. I see you as one of those people pelting like a tarmac. I get pavement rage. I think there should be, instead of a cycle lane on pavements, there should be a lane for tourists and people

who are just browsing, and a lane for tourists and people who are just browsing. And a lane for people who've got places to go. Do you know we've had this exact discussion before on this show? Because I am a bit of a pedestrian racer. And people do. Dordle. People with two carrier bags, they're a roadblock. Also, people who suddenly stop to answer their phone. There's a natural flow of foot traffic.

And people who suddenly stop. It's like people who stop a natural flow of foot traffic and people who suddenly stop. It's like people who stop when they get to the bottom of an escalator. Well, only last week I was talking about when you cross a pelican crossing and people start turning left or right already. And I've decided now what you need is you need to have to stay in your lane when you're crossing on a pelican.

Anyway, this won't put Rob Bonnet back on Five Live. Sorry, I misread that. This won't put Rob Bonnet back on Five Live. Sorry, I misread that. This won't put the bonnet back on the baby. My other book thing of late is I've got a peculiar obsession I've got, is that I like to make my bookmarks opposite to the book. Oh, lovely. So I'm reading a book called... For example?

Or Bob Dylan Behind the Shades, I'm reading at the moment. Oh, I wouldn't want to see book. Oh, lovely. So I'm reading a book called... Par Exampler? Or Bob Dylan Behind the Shades, I'm reading at the moment. Oh, I wouldn't want to see that. And I'm using a Bob Dylan concert ticket stop as the bookmark. You see, perfect. You're not a page folder? Oh God, no, I'd never. No. No. I like the relevant bookmark. Any other?

Yes, I'm reading several books at the same time. I like to mix the fiction and the non-fiction. But my other non-fiction piece at the moment is The Secret Life of Trees, for which someone gave me a suede, I'm saying suede bookmark, with a picture of a tree on it, and I'm using that. That's nice. I look into my heart.

I can't be absolutely certain I didn't buy that tree book because I had the bookmark. I like the... It's a chicken and egg. So from now on, I think all your bookmarks should just be relevant to the book you're reading. Well, that's right. I'm reading Fatherland by Robert Harris, which is what would have happened if Hitler had won the war.

Yes. And it's Germany, 1960s Germany. Robert Harris, another friend of my parents. Is that right? Anyway, I'm using a train ticket from North Allerton to London terminals. And I thought it was vainly relevant because Hitler famously made the trains run on time. But then I had sudden doubt. I had a big dictator doubt that it was actually Mussolini that made the transfer on time.

And then it struck me, get this, while we're on the subject of dictatorship, that Mussolini and Hitler, if you take the first parts of their names, they're muscle and hit. Very aggressive, masculine. Whereas we had church. Church.

Goodness and peace. Oh, that's rather fascinating. We're not saying he was a... No, I'm saying he we had church. Church. Goodness and peace. Oh, that's rather fascinating. We're not saying he was a... No, I'm saying he's in opposition. Yeah. Yeah, what about that? I love that observation. Yes, thanks.

You can quote me on that if you like when you're on the train. I wouldn't go that far, but I enjoyed it. Just press pause on the podcast and say to that person next to you, it's weird, isn't it, with the the right wing dictators of the 20s and 30s the first part of their names form a muscle and hit make of that what you will Frank I've just thought of a good book you could have

for a Christmas carol you could have a Christmas card that you'd been sent from the Miro journalist Carol Malone that would be great that would be brilliant it's too big a price to pay Miro journalist Carol Malone that would be great that would be brilliant yeah but I wouldn't be it's too big a price

to pay yeah if I got a Christmas card from Carol Malone you'd have to go and yes look at talk to yourself

I'd have to it would be another hunt for dog excrement yeah which would send you a round robin Christmas card which you got

if you got a round robin Christmas letter what with a round-robin Christmas card? If you got a round-robin Christmas letter... What, with a round-robin on it? From Carole Malone. What would you do then? That's worse than a Christmas card. Really, any contact with Carole Malone. When the news of the world closed down, there was a picture of all the journalists

drowning their sorrows in the pub, and I love that I spotted Carole Malone in amongst the throng with a glass of white wine for the lady. I'm surprised you recognised the scene that the photo at the top of her column was taken in 1968. Anyway, that's enough Maloney. Home alone.

I don't mean that. I'm sorry. I need to offload, Frank. Oh, what's he? I was... I'm sorry. I need to offload, Frank. Oh, word soon. I was... I beg your pardon. It's not as bad as Bob Dylan behind the shades. No.

But I was on the receiving end of... I'll call it a miscarriage of justice. I'll go that far, recently. Now, that's one of my worst things, just so you know. What, a miscarriage of justice? Yes, or any sort of wrongful conviction in a social situation. Tell me about it. I was livid about the Dreyfus affair.

Absolutely livid. I said to Emile Zeller, I said... Write it. No, go on, write it. Don't go just talking about it. Write it. Well, Frank, it's why I can't watch The Fugitive. Why would I sit through two hours of that hell for the eight minutes of relief at the end? It's not

worth it. You keep my love life out of it. Anyway. Yeah, so what's happened to you? What was the injustice? Did it involve furniture? Oh, no. Okay, so we'll just have a little What was the injustice? Did it involve furniture? Oh, no. OK, so we'll just have a little moment here. Everyone gets their breath back.

I'm actually having a cigarette. Oh, dear. So, I'd actually been... My wrongful conviction, Frank, it occurred in a cab. Don't panic. I'm all right so far. OK, I was feeling rather chatty and garrulous.

You know, you see me when I've had a couple of drinks, Frank. I get a bit larky. Yeah. And I'm quite, I like to think I bring, I draw people out of their shell. I see it as a bit of a social challenge. So I do chat to a cab driver, often a black cab driver. Just out of interest, technical question. When you talk to a cab driver, do you look at the back of the head?

What I don't like, I don't like the eyes in the rearview mirror. No, no. I find that I don't like it. No, I agree. These are men, one often he has condemned the burka. And then they subject us to a similar i don't i never i know they're there i know they're doing it to me but i always look at the back of the head yeah yeah i i'm with you on that and it's relevant for this tale i'm about to share with you

i start conversing with this cab driver making pleasantries as i'm sure anyone would with the cab driver oh it'd be busy tonight? He was a little bit wary. Oh, yeah. He said, yeah, yeah, sort of. Oh, OK, bit of a challenge to me, I'll carry on. I said, yeah, yeah. I said, well, you know, it's Friday, they're normally quite busy, aren't they, sometimes?

So this carried on. I wasn't really getting much back from him. Surly cab driver, I can't believe it. So I eventually just said, oh, are you busy tonight? Then I said, at what time do you finish tonight? He turned around. He actually turned around. He said, look, love, don't take this the wrong way.

It's very flattering why I'm actually engaged. I am not joking. Hold on a minute. I would open the door and just throw myself out of a moving vehicle. I'd be so cross. I would put on a bathrobe. I'd be so cross. I would put on a bathrobe. I can't straighten up.

I've gone into squirm mode. And my elbows have locked under each rib cage. Maybe the back of his head is his best feature in the tracks. Maybe he's had a lot of women offer themselves up to him. Emily thought he'd be looking at the back of her head. Can I be honest? He was no, he was no Fassbender. I would describe his looks as a sort of regional Jerry Seinfeld.

Regional Jerry Seinfeld. Do you know what I mean by that? Market town Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld without the LA dentistry is what we're dealing with here. But all men assume that there's a chance that all women will do sex on them. I...

I think all men always think there's a chance. I think you're so right. There is a chance. I don't... However big the age gap or the looks gap, there is a chance. It's true, Frank. I can't agree. No, au contraire.

I always think... I've been told in the past that my problem is I'm always pretty confident they won't. And then... Well, they do. No, I wasn't going to say that. I mean, I don't think all women are going to... I don't think I'm in with a chance with any... OK, I touched the producer's bra strap earlier.

If that's what's the elephant in the room, let's get it out the way. I accidentally... You're a sex pest. I was just trying to get her attention. I tapped on the back, I touched the bra strap. I mean... You brushed her bra strap. Well, I didn't.

I mean, I... I mean, it lingered. I know, but I mean... Also, it was at the clasp. You know, it was like a significant... Oh. It was almost as if I was, you know, trying to... Lingered. I know, but I mean, also, it was at the clasp. You know, it was like a significant... It was almost as if I was, you know, trying to... Come here. I felt terrible about it.

I've apologised, but I can tell... It was a bit first prom. I can tell there's a bit of a thing between us now. I'm not easy about it. I'll tell you what does surprise me about this story more than anything is that men never say, I'm engaged, in my experience. It was an unusual...

It's what the women always say. That's how his fiancée had put a listening device in his cab. Maybe, but that's why I think there's no tradition of the male engagement ring, is that men don't really have a concept of being engaged. You're right. Well, they're still really on the market until we really on the market. What did you say to him? What do you think I said, Laura? Well, what I didn't like is that he wasn't good-looking.

He wasn't what I call dignity-risking. That's what I objected to. Look, if he'd have been handsome... It's a good criterion for a partner. Yeah, if he'd have been drop-dead gorgeous, I would have thought he had a right to say that. But regional Jerry Seinfeld, uh-uh. So he... It was very... There was a bit of a Mr Frosty moment after that. gorgeous i would have thought he had a right to say that but regional jerry seinfeld uh-uh so he

it was very there was a bit of a mr frosty moment after that yeah i said i said i beg your pardon you made a mojito it took a while but then so back to what you were saying about he then said i think that one's got malaria from a mojito. Did you? He said, Frank, he then said, which irritated me even more, he said, in another life, maybe. Oh, what?

Was he a time lord? In another life? A pre-regeneration time lord. When I've come back as a woman with very low self-esteem, I will sleep with you. Yeah. Actually, speaking of in and of their life, I was listening to BBC News this morning and a man on there said,

until you've been on a space hopper, you haven't lived. I doubt that that's correct, is it? No, that feels like if it was correct. I just don't think it's... I think it's a minor experience at best. I'm still fascinated by the engage thing. What a thing to say.

I'm engaged. I'm engaged. It shows how resourceful people can be when they feel genuinely threatened. It shows how he was thinking. I think it shows that he was thinking about you in that context. I've told you, Frank, regional Jerry Seinfeld. It was never going to happen.

Well, then it got rather ugly after that, I'm afraid. And I didn't want to engage with the man any further. Did you argue against the accusation? I briefly did, but then I lied and made up a husband because I thought it was the only way to prove my point. So when he dropped me off, I think he was looking at the light to see if anyone was in. But I didn't tip him.

Really? I know you don't want to tip him after that. No! Not after he's insulted you. Yeah. Because even though you weren't making an offer, he thought you were, so it's a slap in the face at best. Exactly.

And as I say, not good looking enough, sorry. But I agree with Laura, I think men do tend to think, I think they're much more optimistic than women. But what if you'd say, given him a two-quid tip, and he'd given it back and said, look, for the last time, I'm engaged. I don't want to go anywhere with you. I mean, how terrible would that have been?

Oh, a fiver. No, no, really. If he said, sorry, I've only got a £20 note, and he'd gone, I'm not keeping the difference. Put it away. For the last time, leave me alone. Oh, it's a terrible... I do feel your embarrassment there. The physical turning around, that's what was awful.

Also, it's what you would say. It's like one of those situations where you're like, I wasn't trying to come on to you, but that's exactly what you would say if you had been. So there's no way, the tone of voice is the same. Miscarriage of justice. Yeah, miscarriage of justice. There was no escaping.

It's awful. But at least he turned round. You weren't looking at him in the rearview mirror. At least when you looked him in the eyes, they were the right way round. That's what puts me off. I don't want to be looking at a man's left eye and it's really his right eye.

It's like those Van Gogh self-portraits. It's just a lie. What else? Well, Frank, have you seen, there's been a list published this week. Oh, there's a list published every week, let's face it. No, but this isn't McCarthy or anything sinister. This is quite a benign list. It's nine things never to say to your husband.

Now, I'm not married. You do live with your partner, and Laura is married. So I'd like to hear what Laura has to say. Some of these phrases, it was a psychotherapist, Judy Ford. I don't know if it's any relation to Gerald. I read that as psychopath. It was a psychopath, Judy Ford. She's very up for it about it.

On the front line. No, I think it's never to say. Dear husband, where's my axe? I was in a pub once in Blackheath and someone was talking. This guy said, well, look, I'm a burglar. And I find that... I thought, very bold, very bold thing to come out with.

Anyway, carry on. Some of the... Did you see them, Laura? Yes. They ranged from, when are you going to find a new job? Which, I grew up in a house of actors, Laura, so in my house, that was just a reasonable inquiry.

Have you got a softly, softly or a Z cars? There was nothing unusual about that. I think that was an embroidered sampler on the wall. Yes, I made a lovely, blessed house to hang up in Smethwick Social Security. You're just like your father. My mother warned me you'd do this. Wouldn't it be worse if it was your mother warned me you'd do this? Yes, that would be good.

My lover warned me you'd say that. That would be worse. Your brother told me you'd say that. You're just like. Your brother told me you'd say that. No, just like your father could be a compliment. Depends on the father. If Jesus of Nazareth said it, that's a lovely thing to say. Your father was a market town Jerry Seinfeld. The one that

doesn't go down well in our house, that I say occasionally, you're not going to eat all of that, are you? That is frank. That never goes well never successful cat's got two when we when we're falling out cat's got two basic um a sort of pincer movement attack that she adopts one of it is she talks about the sort of the golden age of my personality you know two years ago you used to be such

a lovely, sensitive bloke. I get nostalgic for that man. She buys it on eBay for £53. Exactly. But it's really, it's very undermining that because it's, in a way she's praising me.

She's praising the old me. It's the skill of passive aggression that ladies learn and the other one is she'll bring in a second opinion oh like we'll have an argument

about something and she often quotes her sister Rachel and she'll say to me oh yeah Rachel says

you've seemed a bit brittle just lately that validates it with a third party suddenly it's two against one you know there's been market research it's been noticed yeah the market research jerry

seinfeld that's what i call it but i thought all those there yeah my husband said which drives me out he says he says what we're going to do from now on when he means what you're not doing at the moment what we're gonna do from now on is not leave towels in the corner of the bathroom and do you know reverse psychology it makes me leave them there even more yes what we're gonna do you cannot surely you can't leave any more than four well how many you don't know how many towels I've got. You don't know how big my bathroom is. You could have an octagonal bathroom. My flat is 80% bathroom.

Is it really? I love the sound of it. I love it. Wow, it must have been a hell of a grouting job. Like a bunch of seals in there. What do you mean? Oh. You see, I...

You see, I've always found in relationships... Never went down well, have you seen The 100 Greatest Comedians on Channel 4? That never went down well. No, I'm not a fan of that one. No. But also, if a girl says to a man, when they get a...

When the mobile goes off and they get the bleep, and then there's... You see them look at the phone and then there's a silence. Yeah. And then you ask in a very high-p of voice who is that that never goes down very well that always ends in a row of some sort i look over the shoulder that's my thing do you yeah what the text yeah do you if i'm if i'm suspicious yeah if there's been a you know i've been away for a couple of weeks to get back. There's a smell of pipe tobacco in the school. Old Spice.

Down there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Turns out it was that lesbian from number 37. Anyway, we don't... Live and let live, that's what I say. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.