The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 12 Nov

Episode Date: January 12, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth record their first Not The Weekend Podcast for 2011 with chat about Britain's Fattest Man and concerns over the future of Pedestrian Racing.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Hi, it's the first Not The Weekend podcast of 2011. I'm Frank Skinner. This is a sort of Absolute Radio production.

Is it? I don't know. I've never said that before in my life, but there, it's out. And I'm with Emily and Gareth. And I'm a bit bonged up, I'll be honest with you. So, you know, you can hear it. Oh, I'm sorry, but it's that time of the year. You're not the status quo again. I certainly have not, how dare you.

Although I am a little bit double denim. I think I could get away with a quo night out. Yes. Anyway, it's great to be back. I'll tell you what I did over the New Yard. Something I've never really properly done before. I went to Primark. Oh, yes.

Not in a casual... I was in there about an hour and a half. Wow. Oh, you were full on. Did you get lost? It can be quite windy. I didn't get lost. Is it windy? I was in the cheltenham one it's a bit i don't know it seemed quite civilized yeah i suspect it's more civilized than london's

oxford street it was um it's it's amazing how quickly one falls into um primarchian activity so there are two extremes sorry how would How would you categorise prime market activity? Well, my reaction to things was either, well, I don't want this at all, it doesn't fit me, it's unsuitable, it's only four quid, put it in the basket, it's only four quid, put it in the basket, so anything, but then I picked up a shirt and I said, no, this is not bad, actually. But then I picked up a shirt and I said, oh, this is not bad, actually.

Eight quid! Eight quid for a shirt! How soon I'd adapted the Primarchian values. It's a whole new economy. Yeah. I thought I was going to pay eight quid for a shirt. Yeah, so I ended up buying a pair of ladies' pyjama trousers. What, for yourself? Yeah, for me. You did not. Four quid.

You have to find what goes with your body shape. That's the thing. And when you find it... Yeah. What do you mean? What are you suggesting? Anyway, there was a pink ribbon waist tie thing on it. Oh, Frank, I hope you took that off.

That would look hideous. Did you buy it for the ribbon? No, I bought it. I just thought it'd be nice to... You know, at Christmas, you're in a rock. That wasn't. If anyone thought I was lapsing into a Benny Hill sketch, that was an accident. It's my Qatar.

When you're... Wouldn't that be a rubbish game? Qatar Hero. If you bought that, in which you all had to block your noses up before and talk like in this kind of way. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't buy it. Simple as that. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. I thought at Christmas, because you're staying a lot and watching the telly, especially with snowing and all that, you need your floppies. Oh yeah. You know your clothes that are very floppies. Your jimmy jams. Well just floppy things. You know, your clothes that are very floppy. Your Jimmy Jams. Well, just floppy things. You know, your big tracky top and all that.

My gilet came in very handy. Your gilet? Mm. What is that? Well, you've seen my gilet. You may not know that it is a gilet. It's been a long time. I mean, you know, one crazy night.

I don't know quite what a gilet is. It's a furry... Gilet the best a man can get is that what it's short for as he says one crazy night it's a furry waistcoat affair it's only medieval thing going on there

a furry waistcoat yeah Frank stop it stop it if Top Cat had worn a furry waistcoat made out of cat hair, he would have looked naked.

Yeah, but if he was the hair bear bunch, he would have put a low slung belt on as well. Well, he couldn't be the whole hair bear bunch. That's true. What are you saying? Top Cat has got multiple personality disorder? I don't think so. Of course, he did wear the straw boater.

Oh, he did. And even if he had one of those made with cat fur, it wouldn't look right because it's not the correct not the correct shaping no just thought we'd sort that out so anyway meanwhile you're back in your sloppy joes so yeah so i bought that in primark i i said now this could be um i'll tell you what they're pink ribbon oh can i say something frank i'm really sorry can i say when i say fur gilet, it's obviously faux fur. I just want to make that clear. Oh, yes.

Well, I'm hoping it's faux gilet. Not the real. There's people already throwing red paint at the windows, which is, they've lost interest now. Yes. Is that what animal protesters do? Yeah, that's what they do. They throw red paint on you.

Well, I didn't know that. Frankly, I thought it improved my coat, but anyway. Yeah, I'd have done one if I'd got my Primark's on and throw what they like? Red does suit you. So there's a slight silver thread in the check on the ladies' pyjama trousers. So imagine that with a pink ribbon. And inside, very sort of roughly embroidered on the inside, it said, please help me, I only

get 90 pence a week. Now I don't know if that's in every pair or if someone's put that in as a call for help. That's some fine detailing. Was it written on a piece of paper? No, it was roughly embroidered. I've got to fear the boss had stepped out for two minutes and it was roughly embroidered.

This sounds like quite a nice prime mark. Did you have to pick things up off the floor? There were some things on the floor. I was on the floor after I saw eight quid for a shirt. Well, sometimes... I lost all balance. A friend of mine once vowed never to go in there again when he said he was in Primark, and he said,

I saw someone actually sweeping up clothes. And he said, I found that very depressing. That's the best way to shop it there. Just sweep up, see what you get. I felt, this could be my paranoia, I felt I got a few resentful looks. It's not for, it's not for people like you. It's for people like us.

That kind of look. Well, you soon proved them wrong with your lady's pajama pants yeah but i think they thought you know you can afford to go and buy nice like men's pajamas why are you in here having our stuff of course we know different yeah i didn't i mean also i i also i won the lottery at one point over christmas you didn't when i mean i don't mean don't tell people i mean 10 quid okay OK. But even so... That's ten quid. When I took it in to cash it,

I felt there was a certain amount of, what, you're not going to claim that? Yeah. Like I was taking it from the poor Africans or something. So I had... It was kind of a retro Christmas for me. I went to... I did the lottery and went to Primark.

It's a bit like Marie Antoinette used to have that false dairy at the back of the Palace of Versailles where she played at being a dairy maid. Oh, did she? Yeah, she had a porcelain bucket. You're beautifully ornamented and stuff, yeah. So I found, I don't know, I found Primark a bit depressing. Yeah, my mum really likes Primark and I find that quite sad.

Is she poor? Yeah, a little bit poor. Well, the thing is she loves... She loves a bargain. She can't afford to take her children, no. Does she often shop there then? She loves a bargain. My mum once tried on...

Well, she went into the changing rooms with a bikini. Sorry, she went into the changing rooms wearing a bikini? No, she went into the changing rooms wearing a bikini? No, no, she took a bikini into the... Oh, she took a bikini. This is a Primark. Yes. Oh, sorry, but you don't use the changing rooms, especially not for a bikini. There's quite a bustle in the changing rooms in Primark.

There was a bustle as well. She was going for quite an interesting look. Sort of Vivienne Westwood combo. She puts on the bikini and then she put her coat on over the top of it. Oh, I'm liking it. So she could come out and show my dad. Oh, she's gone a bit TPT. I'm liking it.

That's a sort of George Best girlfriend. Bikini and fur coat. Faux fur. Yeah, and what about the bustle? Did she wear that or leave it in there? Did she come out of the changing room in front of the public? She came out of the changing rooms and then flashed, but in a very directional way, so that hopefully just my dad could see.

Yeah, just like the door, the coat would be like doors. Three children standing behind were sick. Oh, that would be horrid. How old is your mum? She's in her 50s. That's not so bad. She's quite young, child bride. So how did it go down was it was it

a popular choice the bikini um i did she buy it see if i saw a woman doing that i'd think shoplifter if i saw a woman trying on and not buying i'd report her do people shoplift in prime what could could there be a lower crime than that shoplifting it's certainly time to look within yourself if you find yourself doing the security guard's job is just to spot the people shop There'd be a lower crime than that, shoplifting. It's certainly time to look within yourself if you find yourself doing that. The security guard's job is just to spot the people shoplifting and go, really? Yeah.

Really? I'll tell you what I like about it, is you don't get a bag in there, you get like a keep net. It's exactly like anglers use. Why is that a van? They don't stop shoplifters because it just saves them sweeping up. Well, there was a couple of, yeah, there was a couple of tench in the bottom of mine

and a trout, speckled trout. Which, no, I don't know, they'd been there for a couple of days. I was going to have them, but then I thought, four quid? You see, I bet in the Cheltenham one, though, Frank, you might get a better class of shopper, just the sense that you're not it gets like 28 days later i mean it's like the world has ended in oxford street i don't think you do i think pigs around a trough i think if if there are um how can i put this without sounding horrible if there's poor people in the area and they're not that apparent in cheltenham but i think it's like it's like you know when you

make a high-pitched noise and only dogs can hear it i think cheltenham um I think it's like it's like you know when you make a high-pitched noise and only dogs can hear it I think Cheltenham I think Primark does that with poor people but can I just say I don't think it's to do with poverty it's to do with the hysteria as you say which overtakes people when they go into Primark but you shop don't you tell me that you yes a lot of fashion people do and we call it primani because it sounds like our it sounds like armani oh yes i got it i just had to explain in case he might not know what armani is but what would you buy so i might buy scanties uh not my scanties i bought some scanties well so i see anyway um i might but there might be a key dress ladies has become, people are talking about, you know, for example, Ian Stone might feature it or something.

In Primark? Yeah, sometimes. See, what I do like about Primark is it instils you with a fabulous sort of carpe diem. Yeah. Because when I bought these, well, actually, these pants were bought for me. I wore them the other day and I thought, I'm going to enjoy these pants. Like, I don't normally enjoy pants because the next time I pull them on, they will have been washed. They'll probably be the right size for Action Man. All the elastic will have gone in them. So you really

think, enjoy the moment. I might start buying underpants from Primark and use them like disposable contact lenses. At the end of the day, just throw them on the fire. Why not? I could afford it. Just view it as it's like a one-night stand shopping at primark do you think the world's fattest man um did you see that i did i did he was quite a fact what was he 70 stone he was 70 no he was really relieved because he thought he was 70 and they said well we've got some good news and he was only 56 stone so he was so happy that was after quite a bit of dieting and then he lost even more weight but oh he was fat frank he's down to it would be fat frank if you if you turn it on world's fat britain's fatest man he wasn't fat you'd feel cheated yeah it'd be like the magicians well i'll tell you what size he would be i Go on. I don't know. He's extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra large.

Is that what he is, officially? Yeah. And which would that be? What, seven quid? For a leg-fold sling? I'm not paying that. Well, it's interesting, because there was a time, of course, when comedians would do unkind jokes about fat people,

and I think we've been told that that's the wrong thing to do. That's on one side of the scales. On the other side of the scales, we're asked to discourage... It's the world's fattest man. Well, Britain's. But also, we're supposed to discourage children from obesity, and the best way to do that is to really lay into fat people in a comical way, and then they'll think well i don't

want i don't want to be that person you know what i mean it's a dilemma he ate 30 to 40 chocolate bars a day didn't he you see i have to say there's something admirable about this man there is because that you know what i mean we're all i don't know about you, but I'm a bit a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. You know what I mean? I don't really allow myself to indulge. And the hips don't lie. You know, I remember saying over Christmas,

just one mince pie. You know what I mean? Now, he wouldn't say that of Britain's Fatties. Let's call him BFM. BFM would say, I wouldn't mind another box of them, actually. And there is something fabulously exhilarating BFM would say, I wouldn't mind another box of them, actually. And there is something fabulously exhilarating about that level of self-indulgence.

They said for lunch you would often have fish and chips four times and two kebabs. And you'd have, like, a two-litre bottle of Coca-Cola with you. Not Diet Coke. No. Fat Coke. Although that would of Coca-Cola with him. Not Diet Coke. No. Fat Coke. Oh, that would be a bit weird if he was having Diet Coke with 40 packets of crisps a day.

Yeah, but fish and chips four times. I mean, do you lose count? With some kebabs for the table. Yeah, exactly. But do you think, is there a moment when you're thinking, actually, is this two or three? Do you know, there was one thing I did notice, Frank, which is when he was opening his crisps...

Oh, thank God, I wonder what he's going to say. When he was opening his arm. He had some tin foil which he laid out in front of him on a big sort of slab, and then opened all the packets and put them on the tin foil. Oh, did he? Because one crisp packet, I mean, that was one tic-tac to him. That wasn't enough.

To make one giant crisp packet, he has to make his own crisp packets big enough. Yeah, so he's got, you know, he's... But do you know what I mean about something admirable? I agree in some way. Inventive. Yeah. Well, I suppose you get quite inventive

about how to eat enormous amounts of food if that's what you do. Apparently he's cost the taxpayers over a million pounds. Personally, I'm happy to put my share in. Just for the knowledge that there is a man living in the same country as me who will have fish and chips four times and two kebabs for the table. I just want to know that he exists. It's like the royal family. He gives something back to us all. Yeah, exactly.

He provides a service. He had to have, in the documentary... He's like the royal... You could go to the changing of the lard when he switches midweek from one £56 tom of lard to the next one. I'd like a turn up for that. When he goes through his operation, though,

because he doesn't leave the house much, it was a bit curious because they managed to hoist him into the ambulance, which took some time. That was a good 20 minutes worth of the documentary. And whilst he's in there, he's looking around and out the window and he's going, oh, and they're on the motorway and he's going, oh, the speed they go at now. Well, you're fat, not Victorian.

Surely you realise people drove fast on the motorway. I think you should text him, just, you're fat, not Victorian. Surely you realise people drove fast on the motorway. I think you should text him, just, you're fat, not Victorian. I think that needs to be hammered home. Well, I don't know, you know, like I say, we're supposed to be incredibly sympathetic towards him. I mean, he said he had some sadness. He said one thing, he got dumped when he was in his 20s by a woman and he started eating fanatically.atically no you don't eat anything when

you're dumped no you see i always think what god does for people who've been dumped is he makes them so upset and stressed they don't eat and they get lovely and slim and someone else comes and you look awesome you look your best yeah and then you're also you're very interesting because you've got those lines on your face like samuel beck worry and distress. And you've got a sort of dark, solitary loneliness about you, which is very... It's a bit poetic. Yeah, exactly. There's nothing poetic about a 56 donor. I'm sorry.

Anyway, he's on the way down now and, you know, we wish him well but I don't want him... I still like to think occasionally he will have fish and chips four times and two kebabs for the table just for the whole time's sake. Well, what I do honestly feel sorry for him is that it says one of his diets was that he was limited to four pints of milk flavoured with OXO cubes each day.

Mmm. That is not nice. Well, what I like about that, I have to say, is sometimes when you're drinking milk, one can forget that it's come from cattle. Not if it's oxo flavour. He's gone for, he's thinking, really, I want the whole cow here. Double beef.

Yeah, I want the whole cow. Could you make this milk taste more cow-like? Well, we could cook some, yeah, do it. Do you know what I think? I'm just brainstorming here, but shouldn't it, since it comes from a cow, taste like a cow? Yeah.

He's a genius, this man. Yeah. The terrible thing, though, is he could have that idea and, of course, not be able to get to the cupboard. Thank God he's got the helpers who look after him and stuff. He's a bit like Santa Claus in that respect. One associates him with, you know, excess and lying around. Is that why?

No, but the carers have been cut down. That's the trouble. The more weight he loses, the less help he'll get. And I don't think that he's very happy about that. Oh, that's a strange dilemma. He threw a sugar-free jelly at the window in anger. That's all I'm saying. Did he?

But I bet, you know, I bet he hates the idea of a sugar-free jelly. His arm's still wobbling. So is the jelly. He found quite a lot of sugar-free jelly. His arm's still wobbling. Yeah. So is the jelly. In fact, he found quite a lot of sugar-free jelly under his arm when they cleaned him up. I don't think we should go any further down this road. I don't want to be unkind about BFM. But I will send that little text.

He's a hero. Yeah, you send him a text and I'll send him a galaxy. Yeah. That'll be all right. Have we had any texts, by the way, or emails? We have. We've had some emails in this galaxy. That'll be alright. Have we had any texts, by the way, or emails? We have. We've had some emails in this week. Yes, pedestrian racing update. Ah.

Fantastic. We have had an email. I bet the BFM don't do much of that. Downhill. Although, when he builds up momentum, it must be hard to stop. Yeah, but when does he build up momentum? I'd say Fish and Chips 3. In an ambulance. When he's on an absolute roll. Well, he's probably, some of it's on a roll.

I don't know. That's the terrible dilemma of fat joke things, is that they're so... Really, he can't blame me, because me now with the fat jokes is like him with the chocolate bars. We all know it's wrong, but they're so Moorish. Once you pop, you can't stop.

Yes. I have a punchline. I know. I could see the punchline look in your eye. I'll tell you after. OK. Paul Spurr has emailed us about pedestrian racing. This is from the BBC News website.

Business owners have come up with an idea to combat congestion on one of the busiest shopping streets in the world. They say speed lanes on London's Oxford Street, consisting of a slow lane for shoppers and a fast lane for commuters, could be a solution. Could this spell the end of pedestrian racing? Well, I think it depends on the width of the fast lane, doesn't it? As long as you've got room to overtake in the fast lane.

I keep thinking of BFM now. Yeah, I think it's safe to say that even when he gets out, he'll be in the slow lane. He'll operate like a heart, a sort of soft shoulder on the motorway. That's the good thing about it. If you crash when you're pedestrian racing, it's your airbags. Stop. I don't want another chocolate bar. Take it away.

Or maybe just a flake. No, that is it. I wonder if that's going to happen, the fast lane and the slow lane. I don't like it getting too commercial, though, pedestrian racing. It's an underground activity. Yes. And I don't like this sort of legislation. It makes it all proper, and I don't want that. Yeah, I don't think they're doing it for pedestrian racing, though.

But I can see their point. I mean, I guess it creates two tiers of pedestrian racing, and as you say, it creates lanes for overtaking. You know, depending on how crazy you want to be, you could use the slow lane to overtake people in the fast lane. I know that is dangerous and that will be against the rules. What, overtaking on the inside? Yes.

But this is what this is going to cause, but it's going to make it much more exciting. Yes, but I'm imagining now BFM coming out of Thorntons with five bags and I'm just doing a bit of overtaking on the inside and it's a terrible collision. It's the lorry of the pedestrian racing world. You know, I could... If I was going to really...

Exactly. Why are you overtaking? Why are you overtaking? You're taking up all the road! It's the tractor on the country road, isn't it? That's what it is. But if you smacked into the back of him, I mean, you could be... You could wake up amongst him.

Hide yourself in an armpit. I don't want another chocolate bar. Like a little woodland creature in a forest. I'll take it away. A moment on the lips. I'll maybe just a fries turkey. We've had another pedestrian racing email in, which is from Chris Degnan. Now, Frank, this is interesting because there's been some disturbing news about pedestrian racing.

It's being extended to children. Children are being involved in it. Seems all right. Well, you say that. But Chris says he was in Mozambique last week. Oh, hold on a minute. I must have some... Not quite right. But I felt it needed incidental music. When you say children are being involved,

they're not, like, being gathered up into herds and then trained and then raced against each other for betting? They're electing to get involved. OK, yeah. They say, I was walking at my usual healthy pace, says Chris, and passed a small child, probably around 12. She gave me a sly smile and took the pace immediately. Wearing flip-flops, I thought she'd be no competition

and I'd see her off very easily, even though I felt bad engaging in cross-generational pedestrian racing. Yeah. However, she just picked up the pace and I could hear the flip-flop clacking ever louder in my ears as she not only caught up with me but breezed past me. That was the BFM. He was naked.

That was the strange thing about it. I'm sorry. Oh, no. Oh, just a bag of Maltesers. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the conscience. Yes, you're quite right. I won't do another joke about the BFM forever, as long as I live. So you've been overtaken by...

In flip-flops, it's so hard to race in flip-flops. It's like Zola Budd overtaking you, one of your strange crushes. Anyway, she reached the corner of the street, turned round and gave me a slightly disrespectful nod, as if to say, and if you come back for more you will feel pain again. Thanks, Chris. That was a hell of a nod, wasn't it? Wow, that's really...

It's full of practical meaning. A lyrical nod from a 12-year-old Mozambican. Are they Mozambican? Mozambiques? Yeah. What are they? I don't know. OK, well that's this week's phony. What do they call people from Mozambique? Jeff.

Jeff. I knew one bloke from Mozambique. We called him Jeff. Moz. That's what you call Morrissey. Yeah, Morrissey. That's what you call Morrissey when you meet him. Moz, you can't call him Morrissey.

Anyway. Well, I only ever met him once. And he did... I was doing a... I used to do a chat show in the old days. My glory years. And he was on that singing. And I had really heavy cold. once and he did uh i was doing a i used to do a chat show in the old day my glory years and um he was on that singing and i had really heavy cold so because he was on tour we couldn't get

close to i mean i felt i said you know don't get close to me he just waved at me across the room that's as close i've ever got to talking to morrissey and i used to be a big fan of morrissey will smith's you know he He's lovely. Is he lovely? Yeah, I've had dinner with him. Anyway. Hi, T. Hi, T. That's wonderful news.

Did you read that thing about tears? Turn off tears, I think the headline was. Or something like that. Which I thought was fairly obvious. Yeah. That when a woman cries, a man's libido dips somewhat.

Oh, I've never found that. Don't you? They just carry on relentless. Yeah, that there's something built into the tears that triggers chemicals in the man to tell him don't feel amorous now. Don't feel sexy. Yeah, but I mean him, don't feel amorous now.

Don't feel sexy. Yeah, but I mean, I don't think that's sort of, it sort of goes without saying, doesn't it? That's why I think nature give us some credit. I mean, I don't know, I've never made a woman cry, can I? Oh, you have. I've made their eyes water, is that the same thing? There are so many different grades of crying, though.

What sort of crying are we talking about? I have about 45. Well, how many of those are non-tear based? Well, you've got the sort of mini-series tears. You know where your eye's well up, and you go, OK, that's fine, go to the party without me. I've found that very convincing, though.

And I can't get actual water i can't get tears your face did change then like you were yeah that's yeah fooled yeah because you were she was a professional actress let's not forget so that's number one you feel just as a scientific test you feeling sexy i feel a bit like a there could be a triffid in the room at any moment. Anyone who gets that is a loyal listener. Congratulations. So that's type one. But you can also have... There's the full-on hysteria, the sort of lunatic crying,

when they're racked with sobs. I try not to do that. No, that's genuine. That's saved for affairs, really. That only comes out... Saved for affairs, hopefully. Yeah. Throwing yourself into the grave.

Oh, that one. Yeah. I don't know. I find my libido pretty low graveside, generally speaking. What about, Frank, what about the... I do silent crying when the telly's on. If the room's dark or something and you're watching it just to make them feel bad.

But crying at the telly or crying... No, I'll just be crying silently. I'll go, OK, we'll watch the telly's on, if the room's dark or something and you're watching it just to make them feel bad. But crying at the telly or crying...? No, I'll just be crying silently. I'll go, OK, we'll watch the telly. And then I'll just go... I just think the idea of continuing to be amorous with someone, I'm picking my words carefully here, while they're crying is a horrible image. Depends why you're crying. Let's not go there.

Eddie, Eddie, How do you... I mean, does Laura ever cry? Laura's not a big crier, actually. I'm probably a bigger crier than Laura. Yeah. I wonder what... Is that when she pinches that fleshy bit under your arms? BFM.

You hate off the BFM. I'm defending him now. Yeah, what do his tears smell of? Gravy. Oxo. Ox what do his tears smell of? Gravy. Oxo. Oxo in his tears. He has Oxo cubes just pressed onto the eyelids at the bottom so that they come out, and then he can catch them.

As the Oxo-flavoured tears come down his face, he sticks his tongue out, and it's a refreshing little beefy drink midday. He'd say, oh, I'd love a bit of oxo. Can you put beaches on, the VHS? Thanks very much. Shadow, shadow. You are the wind beneath my wing.

Can you put another cube in? It's a little bit watery on the left eye. Sorry, Gareth, carry on. Yeah, I was wondering what effect on the libido men's tears has. Oh. What do you think about men crying, Em? Well, I don't mind.

It doesn't really do it for me, to be honest. You know what, I don't mind a man crying. I have to say that. I actually, I'm warm to a man when he, it depends what he's crying at. But generally, I like a man who cries, but but no i don't think i'd find it sexy no i have once had i again i have to choose my words carefully a sexual experience um whilst i was crying oh i received i say i received a sexual act if i consider why you were crying yeah well i have to know more are they trying to cheer you up I received I received a sexual act if I can say that

why were you crying? were they trying to cheer you up? we were in the cinema watching when the Grinch stole Christmas you were? yeah and it was a very empty cinema it was after you two walked in I should hope so

that cleared it pretty quickly and so she did me a favour of a physical nature. Right. And I cried a bit at the, you know, the whole Christmassy... The storyline. Yeah, the storyline. Yeah. Oh, my God.

So, oh, God. God, I was dehydrated after. Yeah, so that was, I think we've got through that in a sensitive way. So how do you approach, how do you do the tears thing then, Gareth? What do you just... Well, Laura Selden is not a big crier. But, yeah, I don't think there's ever been a problem. But do you go for the, do you hug?

Yeah, no, I hug and I say apologise. You don't kiss the tears from her eyes? Sometimes. See, my thing is to... That's how thirsty I am. Is to thrust a... Shut up! I thrust a hairdryer full in the face.

And that takes them off without any... You get the odd salt deposit in the corner, but, you know... And, you know, there you go. Te salt deposit in the corner, but you know. And you know, there you go. Tears gone. I haven't cried since 1983. I wouldn't know what you're talking about. Let me dry your tears. Is that how it goes? That's exactly how it goes.

Thank you for that. What was that for? The blind? It's a mime. I enjoyed it. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio the softest mintiest show in town

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