The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 13 July

Episode Date: July 13, 2011

Frank reveals why he and Alexa Chung will never be friends and why he shares more of a bond with an Ape he once met. Emily goes from hero to zero when a film crew approach her about some filming in her house.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Hey! Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. Those are all the ingredients of our great soup, a ragout! A ragout of fun, which we've prepared for you today. Yes, it's a goulash, even.

It's gone so chef-based this morning. I'm trying to think of a mix, things all mixed together into something tasty. A hot pot. Of course you'd go hot pot, there's no surprise about that. I think I'll go canapé. Oh. But you don't mix things into a canapé, do you? I suppose you do get ingredients.

No. Can I be the glace cherry? Yes. On the hot pot. Fusion food gone mad. Exactly. Dawson South Fusion. But is it enough of that?

It's not right. It's not right. I, um. I was... I've said what's happening, haven't I, Frank? Yeah. Yeah. We know where we are. This is not the weekend podcast,

in case you've never tuned in before. Maybe you were, you know, just... You're doing that thing, you know that blindfolded iTunes thing you can do when you blindfold yourself and just click and see what comes up. Are you familiar with that? So it's a youth thing.

Oh, is it? The youngsters do it. Is this an actual thing? Oh, that sounds amazing. I'm sticking with it. Not the weekend podcast NTW. That's what some people call it. Do they?

Yeah, and now that the news of the world is now defunct... What? I like to think... The news of the world? I defunct... What? I like to think... The news of the world? I'm sorry, I didn't see the papers on Sunday. Thanks, we've stolen that. Because I didn't like that N-O-T-W was a bit similar to N-T-W. No, you're right.

It's ours now. Full ownership. Well, actually, I actually contrived the whole thing to get rid of it. That might even be a cheap domain name knocking about. Oh, that's a thought. So, I was in a cab this week. I sit on the show on Saturday. I've had a lot of cab events. Yes, you have.

I don't know what it is. I mean, I've been getting a lot of cabs, but often I travel in complete silence. It's the best way. But I've communicated, you know, through the... If I brought out a TV show called Through the Perspex, which is me talking to a series of professional drivers, and be introduced by Lloyd Grossman,

so we will take you, kind of the voice, through the Perspex, and it's me talking to a cab driver. These are all licensed cabs, aren't they? Oh, completely licensed. I'd never get into... I'm just checking. Well, you know, it's not a big problem for me because I don't drink.

But it's better if they're licensed. They're licensed for singing and dancing, a lot of the cabs I get into. Cabarets, they're called. Very good. I would so get that cab. You know, I didn't get that gag until I'd said it. That's how quick I am.

That's good. So, you know cab drivers, they're always either they had their own business and it all went wrong in the 80s, or they used to be on the books at Watford. And they've all got a story. This, anyway, this guy, I got into the cab. He suddenly did a violent U-turn. I wasn't anticipating. You know, there was just a little line of traffic.

There was maybe six vehicles. He turned away and went up a side road looking for some sort of rat run. I wouldn't be surprised. And he says to me, I'm sorry, he said, I can't stand traffic. And I thought, he doesn't mean the 60s band, does he? He actually, he's a cab driver who can't stand traffic. Oh. I mean, I suppose it's no more far-fetched than them not being able to stand people,

which is very common. Yes. But I thought, you know, it opened up quite a big conversation, which I didn't pursue. Turned out he'd been cab driving for 15 years. 15, you say? And didn't like traffic. It sounds like a living nightmare, doesn't it?

It does. It does. Well, it's just his journey. Yeah. So he said to me, he said, I wouldn't do your job for a million pound a year. And I said, no, neither would I. And there was a tension. You know when you've done that kind of joke

where people need to go, they need to go with it and I think he felt I'd somehow put him down. Right. And then it was... I wasn't happy with the rest of the journey. Weren't you? No. Well, it was a difficult...

You can never resist a joke, Frank, and I do love you for it. I was trying to lighten... Yes. But anyway, I had another cab driver, and... They're like buses, aren't they? Well, it's funny you should say that. It is... It's funny you should say that,

because this one was an extra in Summer Holiday. No. He must have been knocking on. He was knocking on. What, the Cliff Richard film? Yeah, is there in Summer Holiday. No. He must have been knocking on. He was knocking on. What, the Cliff Richard film? Yeah, is there another Summer Holiday? Well, there was a Young On special. Actually. This bloke was in the Young Ons as well, the movie. He wasn't.

Yeah, he said he'd done a lot of extra work. He said, I used to drive a lot on the bill. He said, I did quite a lot of that dangerous driving on the bill. At that point, I just very quietly put my seatbelt on you know when you get into a cab and i never put my i mean we talked about seat belts in cabs last last week i i don't put one on unless they do anything a little bit like i think i could get killed here and then i

feel i have to put it on i don't want them to see me put it on because it's like saying you're a rubbish driver. But this bloke, yeah, he'd been extra in Summer Holland, which you'd think would have inspired him, as you say, into boss work. But no. If he'd said I'd been in Taxi Driver, I'd have thought, well, I see where you're coming from. I'd have said, are you talking to me?

Yeah. And then he said to me, he said, I remember once, he said I was in a club owned by the Krays. And I settled back in my six. I love it when an old Londoner tells you a Krays story. And he said to me, he said, yeah, I was in a club owned by the Krays. I think it was called the Two R's or something like that. He said, and they sent this guy. Two Rons, I love that.

Yeah, Two Ronnies. Yeah, they were in it. And he said it's two shots from me and two shots from him. And anyway, so he said, this bloke came over and said, excuse me, he said, but the boys have said they want you to go because you look too much like old Bill. That's what you two said to me this morning. The boys want you to go.

But I love the fact... Old Bill is brilliant. They said old Bill, ironically. Oh, yeah. And also that you had to leave if you looked like old Bill. Yeah. He probably had a tie on, and one of those sort of blacked up martin shoes

the sort of very you know those things that slightly spread eagled in the opening credits of the bill yeah well frank there is a specific type of male hairdo that i refer to as bent copper hair oh it's slightly it's a bit simon cowell He's got bent copper hair. Has he? Yeah. It's a sort of aggressive flat top. Oh, yeah. I know what you mean. That's interesting. And is it bent copper hair because it's been flattened by a policeman's hat? No. OK.

It's bent copper because they're bent. As in they're on the wrong side of the law. Yes. I knew what you meant. I didn't want you to think I meant something else by bent copper. No. No, I didn't think that to think I meant something else by bent copper. No. No, I didn't think that for a second. Oh, good. OK.

You mean like the ones you can't get into a fruit machine in the 1970s? Well, Frank, you're not the only one to have run-ins with people on film sets. Because guess what happened this week, guys? I got a note through my door. I say it was through my door. As you may know, I've moved into a duplex, so I've actually got own entrance, which is quite an important step for me, having own entrance. Yeah. Well, you need that with a duplex. You do.

For the non-London listeners, this is one of the tricks that London plays on you, where you start to prize a door on your own property. They're not quite as coveted in any other city on earth as London. I've got a door, I'm so happy. Can I say, I'm not completely certain what a duplex is. It's levels basically frank okay you might call it maisonette i'm still convinced it's a maisonette no it's not you'll see when you see it but you will see it it's so i've got own entrance and i'm very happy with that however some of my mail in fact all of my mail gets delivered to what i call the big house i don't go i don't really go into that part that's another entrance okay um in the common parts i don't really go into the common parts no too common

yes okay um there's an ugly lady up so she doesn't hoover much um so i found but i saw a letter and it said to the occupiers, as the most recent edition, I thought I'll open that. I'm having that. Why not? So I opened it. It said on the top, Whitechapel. What's this?

Dear resident, re-filming location for Whitechapel, series three. The cries crop up again. There you go. Yeah, that's the programme about the ghosts of the cries, isn't it? Well, it says, I'm currently looking for residential properties to use as filming locations for an episode of the ITV1 drama Whitechapel Series 3. Yeah, that's the one. It's the one where the ghosts of the craze come back.

I didn't know that coming. Oh, God, yeah. I know them all. Having passed by your property today, I was wondering whether you might be interested in us filming at your home. Well, this is very exciting. Yeah. Then they go on to say,

Ideally, we are looking to find a venue that has not been too modernised at all over the years. Now, I don't like that. No. Because that suggests that there's going to be, like, drug dealer no-ones flat or something. I'm not very happy with that. No, but I imagine if they're if

because it's cray themed they want it to look a bit 60s so if if you're thanks a lot no but i mean that's cost me a fortune this place yeah but i imagine your interiors are um completely refurbished yes i've heard that totally overhauled yeah may. The interiors, so it's not 60s. So you're not a pro. Well, all I'm saying was I was just a little bit insulted. My heart soared and then I felt deflated. I felt they were dissing my manner a little bit. See, the crows haven't even moved in yet.

You're already recalling your manner. Are they not showing you respect? Are they not showing you respect? But I did get quite excited at the prospect of a film crew on My Manor. Yeah. Because it's not the first time, I've had it before. What? Great Rock and Roll Swindle was filmed in my house as a child.

In your house? Yes. Yes, they did some interior shots. There were punks everywhere. I was scared of the punks. Yeah. Everyone involved on that production, for some reason, seemed to have some Mohican thing going on. I was very scared. Yeah.

They filmed that in your house? Yes. Oh, brilliant. Isn't that good? I don't know the film. Frank will explain. It's a Sex Pistols movie. It's where Sid Vicious sings My Way, memorably. I've not seen that. No? Yet another gap in my cultural awareness. But I've not seen that. Yet another gap in my cultural awareness.

But I've not seen it. Mind the gap. That's my advice. I do need to. You do need to mind it. I mean, I live very near to the Houses of Parliament, so there's a film crew out virtually every day. Any sort

of political statement made on the television, they always want the Houses of Parliament in the background, always. So when I walk into town, I pass loads of... and they always want... you know, when anyone's on television they've all got to have something relevant over their

shoulder at all times. Like I saw Harriet Harman on the weekend interviewed about the news of the world, and they had a pile of newspapers behind her. I was like, she's working in a chip shop. They always have to have something relevant just behind them. So, of course, I mean, you can't resist the House.

I walked down there once, because often it's people like Andrew Marr talking. I went down there once, it was Bruno Tognoli talking with the House of Parliament. Not on the grassy knoll. The grassy knoll's only for MPs. This was on the river path. Oh, I know. But why would he, I mean,

would he be making a political... I'm thinking maybe because the clock was there, maybe it was Bruno Tognoli on the nature of time. Do you think that? What a sort of Stephen Hawking. You know, could hear him say,

damn it, the fourth, damn it, yeah. He just started off like that. No, but how peculiar. Yeah. Of all terrible people. You've had a Woody Allen film as well, on his manor. I have.

My cleaner said, I've just seen Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson in one of the adjoining flats. I said, I picked up both bottles of wine that we keep in the house for guests and made sure that my felt pen mark was adhered to. And I said, I don't think you have. And she said, no, it wasn't Bruna. No, I did, I said.

And I said, I said. And I said, what? She said, I thought, don't do that. And I said, okay. And I thought, I won't argue. You know what they're like. And sure enough, they filmed Match Point. Match Point. I got really excited when I saw the film.

My flat's all over that film like a rash. Even on the soundtrack. You know when you get a CD and it opens into a central picture? It's just the view, basically, from my flat. Not actually my flat, it's in the next... Your block.

My block. Same block, wow. Have you ever had any film crews on your manor? I've got no films to speak of. We moved in December and since we've been there, a drama has been filmed in the neighbouring streets. So for a little while I was coming back and we were getting letters saying, sorry we keep filming nearby, from quite a big production company.

So there was a point where it was a searing indictment on my career that the house was getting more show business letters than I was. And more TV. And more TV. Genuinely devastated. I was thinking, I could have been cast in this, but the house is getting the letters about it.

It's quite upsetting. But it seems to have finished now. I don't know what it's called. Mount Pleasant. I do know what it's called. I think it's called Mount Pleasant. I'm going know what it's called. Mount Pleasant. I do know what it's called. Oh. I think it's called Mount Pleasant. I'm going to look out for it. Actually, I'm a bit sniffy when I see a film crew. Are you, Frank?

I always think that film crews, they look at people in a kind of a, oh yeah, we're part of the in crowd. We're the TV people and you're just ordinary people. So I like to go past and make sure I get damn well recognised. Look back at you and think, yeah, satellite television, get out!

And it's always a bloke, you know, in Timberlands shorts. Timberlands and a puffer, and he's always saying, absolute quiet, everyone. Or sometimes, you know, they'll be even more brazen. They'll wear like a total wipeout fleece. Yes. Just to say, oh yeah, I worked on that. You know, it's quite a man's kind of a programme.

Yeah, previous production fleece. Oh. Just to say, oh, yeah, I worked on that. You know, it's quite a man's kind of a programme. Yeah, previous production fleece. Oh, man. PPF. It's happening all over the place. It's unacceptable. I tell you, my favourite one was a pink one for In the Grave. Just not right, is it? Not right.

That was obviously one dished out for the ladies, and he was a bit late in the... I mean, I rarely crack out the Dare the Triffids sweatshirt. I do still have it. Have you really? Yes. I like to think it's 3D, that the tongue leaves the flower. That would have been awesome.

No, I've got the sweatshirt. That's brilliant. You were in. Yeah, Emily was in the 1954 one. I was. Now, Emily was in the 80s was it? as a child

I was a child I was going to leave it loose on the 80s for your benefit I know you've taken it early 80s can we get rid of that so yeah she was a child star in Dada Triffids still has the jumper to this day

what would that fetch on eBay one wonders £8 She was a child star in Dad of Triffids. Still has the jumper to this day. Yeah. Wow. What would that fetch on eBay, one wonders? Eight pounds. No, I checked it. I put a bogus one on just to see how it went. Four hours remaining. £6.50. They tried to do something a little humorous.

They put the production crew, thought it'd be fun. They gave them to us as gifts and it said, Say it with flowers, send Triffids put a little joke on it Brilliant, loving it One of the things when you're filming in the street have you ever filmed, you must have filmed in the street Oh, countless occasions

People always come over and say, when does this go out? When does this go out? And you're in the middle, I'm trying to get into character It tells me, when does this go out? Do I look like the Radio Times? Oh, man, that's one of the worst things. I was crossing Hungerford Bridge over the River Thames, London, and I saw Alexa Chong filming some sort of a link.

Are you familiar with Alexa Chong? Vaguely, yes. Very thin, very pretty. Very, yeah. I know who she is. A a beautiful young woman haughty face of chanel is she married to a monkey or is that she married to a monkey she dates an arctic monkey oh okay oh they built my hopes up and dash them in a few seconds if only we found out in some terrible trip to west africa she'd got involved in a drunken night, married some sort of simian creature.

That would be brilliant. Of course, I went to a thing where Will Self said that that does go on. Does it? He said that people do have relationships with animals, with apes. He said an offspring have been born. Nancy Delolio. What? You think she's the proper...

She's quite Simeon-looking. Oh, I hadn't thought DeLoglio. It's an ape like name. You can imagine there's an ape called DeLoglio. If you said to me, just, that, she just came into my head, which means it must be true. That's right. Well, that's, she wouldn't have been my, most people

would have said, oh, you know, Wayne Rooney or something. You've gone very... I've gone Deoney or something. You've gone very... I've gone to L'Oléo. You've gone left field on it. She's got the Malteser brown of the chimp's eyes. Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah, she has got that... God, I once got stared at by her.

Did I ever tell you about that? It's my favourite thing ever. Please tell Alan. I went to Monkey World in Wall in Dorset and one of the new apes, they have to be kept in an incubation some kind of way from the others because they fight like fire.

It's a chimpanzee, this character. And he came to the window of his booth and I looked in and he looked out and he looked really, really, he didn't blink. He looked unblinkingly into my eyes and I looked back into his. We were six inches from each other.

There was glass in between. And this could be the Christmas edition through the Perspex. Special. Special. The novelty one. Yeah, the special Darwinian edition. And he looked at me and I looked at him

and I looked deep, deep into his eyes. And it was really like we, something, we connected in some way. And I could hear people saying, look at that bloke and that monkey. I mean, you know, we were... They said to Trevor Nunn. Yeah. And a crowd was... Oh, I'll pill it with my feet. It's okay, I'm pilling with my feet!

It's OK, I'm pilling with my feet! Leave my tire alone! And, yeah, and people were gathering round and we had a sort of across- the primal divide um moment me and this chimpanzee it's very strange whatever happened to him yeah anyway alexa chong she um i looked at her and uh i made some joke about joining in or something and uh she was a bit i thought a bit off oh no and as i walked away i heard her and the uh the sound man giggling you know and i felt that she thought oh you know you're yesterday and i'm

today that's what i think she thought and you know and i'm tomorrow and you'll be gone that's what she thought well we'll see how it pans out yeah at the moment i think you know we'll see where the money's going on that one where is she now um no where is she, do you know? The fact is I felt more warmth humanity and contact with that chimpanzee in Dorset than I did with Alexa Chong What does that tell you? That wasn't a rhetorical question

That she's beneath a monkey in your eyes Something, no? I don't know That she's beneath a monkey in your eyes. Something? No? I don't know if she's beneath a monkey. I think she's in an exterior room. I'm sorry, I'm quite a fan of Alexa. I am. That's alright. No, but I don't think she meant to be cruel to you. I just think,

don't compare what you had with that monkey to what you had with Alexa. No, that's what happens. I think that's true. You should treat each relationship in its own right. You have to be careful about putting an ex on a pedestal, don't you? Yeah. I think it was actually on a pedestal if I remember rightly.

Otherwise it never reached the branch. I had a moment this week where I was thinking of you, Frank, from previous podcast discussion of your round of applause in everyday life. Oh, yeah. You said that you'd applauded a man for driving

an articulated lorry. Did we decide that that's what it was called, articulated? Yeah, for reversing one into a narrow alley. I called it 16-wheeler, but then I hang out with the truckies a lot. Do you? Yeah, in the Midwest. Who would have thought there was an overlap on that bit of the Venn diagram?

Yeah, exactly. Again, Venn diagrams crop up. For a start, I think I witnessed some sarcastic applause when a woman did a terrible job of parallel parking outside of a pub. Oh, that's unkind.

It was awful, though. It was really bad. Really, really bad. Oh, that's unkind. Oh, no. It was awful, though. It was really bad. Really, really bad. What, the parking or the applause? No, the parking. Yeah, but there's no need for that. It's a profound... I find parking one of the most difficult things in life.

And outside of pubs, it's not ideal. No. There's a sarcastic brigade. Not when you've had a few drinks, either. No, no. Makes it much harder. Can I say that Absolute Radio does not... absolutely, absolutely disapproves in every way. It's not good at drink parking.

No. I was in the house and I threw some socks. Cockerel in the house. Cockerel in the house. Yeah, that's the phrase goes, I believe. In the hen house, obviously. Should be a follow-up sound effect of something really domestic Like the kettle going on or something

Yes, I was in the house And I threw a pair of socks right into the laundry basket Like a proper great shot What sort of distance? I need distance and diameter I think diameter of the laundry basket Maybe a foot and a half. I'm going old money.

OK. And distance from basket, I'd say 8 to 10 feet, perhaps. OK, well, putting that into spider geometry, whereas every spider you describe is at least one-fifth bigger than it really was. It's still a good shot. It was a good shot. It was a good shot. And let me tell you, there was a sadness immediately

because I realised I was in the house on my own. And there were no family members about to give that an applause. Oh, no witnesses. It felt like it should have got applause. Definitely. And it made me just think, what's the point in having a family if they're not here? Well, I've always thought that.

They're not here to give me a round of applause for a fine shot socks into basket. What is the upside? Yeah. When I play PBA 2, iPad, ten pin bowling quite a lot and you can put crowd noise on that.

You can switch it on or off crowd noise. And it's a great discipline for a comedian. Because if you get the shot, they go... Great. If you miss the shot, you just hear the... ..of the ball going in. There's not a murmur. Oh.

And it's a fabulous contrast. Cheer, nothing at all. Really keeps you on your toes. What I've taken to doing, I've noticed, is I put some stuff... I put stuff, obviously, in the wash basket. I put some stuff that I think might, in case of an emergency, might come in handy. I hang it over the edge. Oh. Because I think it won of an emergency, it might come in handy.

I hang it over the edge. Oh. Because I think it won't develop that smell. You know, there's a certain sort of sock smell that everything that's been. You could put a pair of trousers into a wash basket for, say, 30 seconds. Take a look. Does it smell like that? Yes.

But if on the edge, there's a whole array of things around the edge that might get one more go. I know what you mean, Frank. Yeah. And you think the fragrance won't adhere, which is good. So, but I think it's hard with what, sometimes you divide your washing up into three.

I have three separate wash baskets. Do you? No. No. Oh. So you have your whites, you you? No. No. Oh. So you have your whites, you have your colours, and you have your hand wash.

Right. So you don't do that, no? What I do is I put them all in one thing and then I see the cleaner as a kind of a sorting system. I presume she... I'm not there when she arrives. I've only met my cleaner once. Really? Yeah.

Lovely. But would you trust them with that giant responsibility? What's the worst thing that can happen? A tiny pink cashmere sweater. Exactly. It's not the end of the world. Exactly. You could put it on a teddy. Bad news for me, yeah.

My gay action man figure. Kill for that. It's not the end of the world. Exactly. You could put it on a teddy. Bad news for me, yeah. My gay action man figure. Kill for that. Yeah, because he's looking a bit... I've got the one with the beard. I've gone for the bear. I will always go for the bear. Yeah. I am...

We have, in our house, we have two cushions on the sofa. You would have seen these, Emily. Yeah, so have I. One is a cushion with my face on. Yeah. Sent by a fan, hand-painted. Rather a good likeness, I think.

And the other one is a commercially printed cushion with the face of the German electronica musician Ulrich Schnauss. Oh, yeah. It's got his face on it. Frank's girlfriend, Cathy, is a big fan of his. Yeah, he's a sort of a shoegaze icon. OK. And so we are almost, the two rivals of our affection

are either side of the sofa on cushions. But someone came to me the week and they said, who's that? obviously not about my cushion and we explained and and and they said oh you look you look very alike well we don't but you know once you're on a cushion it's a great leveler and a lot of the things that distinguish one human face from another is is lost once it's gone into soft furnishings. Yeah, I think I could pass for Hugh Grant on a cushion. I think you could.

We were both cushions. Hmm. Yeah. He's a better looking man than me, there's no doubt about that. Well, um... Not these days. Oh, he looked all right on Question Time. He did, but was he on a cushion?

I don't know, he looked a bit higher than usual. Yeah. I don't know he looked a bit higher than usual I love the can I ask your advice on this we have a bit of a domestic dispute at home I have an office that I work in which has got a kitchen right so I have my own

sort of kitchen world away from my home and I always choose a random piece of packaging that operates as some sort of receptacle for example a soup tin or a yogurt um yes and i'll use that as a um tea bag bin oh yes so when you take the tea you use i tea bag i've done it myself you put it in there and then i leave it until you build up to you're absolutely full and all your waste is in one area yeah and you're not doing that thing of of you know it's very difficult to carry a tea bag across

to the bin without getting droplets it's almost impossible or sometimes worse you have the tea under the spoon and the bag and the bag goes into the tea as you're on the journey and you get a splash. Oh, you use... I see you use the tea as a... No, if you're doing the journey, I don't. I tend not to because I think it's too high risk. I'm saying the journey like it's a road trip. It's about four steps.

Yeah. Well, it depends where you've been in. It does. Depends on how you've set up your work triangle. I take it straight out to the wheelies. I take it to the dump. I've never thought of using the cup as a drip catch. That's a good idea. A safety net, yeah, yeah.

But then if it falls in, you could easily burn your hands. And then you'd have to fish the bag out. Anyway, so what I do, if I'm having yoghurt, I finish the yoghurt and I think, that'll take 20 teaabags, that thing. But my girlfriend will not do that. We used to have, I actually bought a little metal bin, tiny, about eight inches high, which was for that exact,

it's like a miniature bin, house bin. A teabag. And it was for teabags and it was great. And then we had an argument and she threw a frozen unsliced loaf at me i swerved uh it missed me and hit the tea bag dispenser and put a dent in it of such um such depth that the um the lid didn't work anymore so that had to go we have a little ceramic dish that we just pile tea bags up on and That sounds nice. Yeah, it does. Yeah.

It does sound a bit like we're cultivating penicillin or something in the kitchen. Do you know, I remember when tea bags first came out. Do you, Frank? Wow. Because David Baddiel wrote a book about the Second World War, and he said, do you want to read this while it was still in its manuscript form? I had a look, and I said, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. I said, you've started off with people in the

factory in 1941 with tea bags in there. And he said, yeah. I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I remember them coming out and I remember there was an advert on the telly like PG Tips and they said no teas in a bag. Wow. And we thought,

what? That'll be, we were well appalled. I don't think we'd be too. Did you say, David, That'll be... We were, well, appalled. I don't think we'd be too... Did you say, David, this is an anachronism? No. Oh. It's not often that you get the chance to use anachronism. No, looking back, I've missed that opportunity.

Oh. The terrible thing, if I'd thought of it, I could have embroidered it into the anecdote and pretended that I had. But too late now, of course. That's gone. Frank, I'd like to read you out an email that we got sent in this week.

Well, that's splendid. I love the fact that we have regular contact from our listeners. That wasn't a joke, by the way. No, I know, and I think you'll like this even more because it's from Rob in Australia And I like that we have The likes of Australians tuning in

All over the shop they are Dear Frank Emily and the Cockerel It's caught on It's so caught on It's massive I think it's gone worldwide That's what I'm hearing from this email

By the way is this the coldest studio you've ever been in in your life? It's gone very chilly. I feel we should be naked and on hooks. It's gone Shackleton here. Oh, honestly. It's gone like one of my looks. That's how cold it is. That's how cold it's gone.

Is he a particularly chilling missive, this guy? This is Rob from, he's from Victoria. Which is probably very hot. I've just been listening to your podcast, and, that was last week's obviously, and heard you discussing the eating habits of clowns. That's the sort of thing that we discuss.

Can I say? I don't know if I've ever felt, I mean, I don't have children. I don't know if I've ever felt more proud than at this moment. I was listening to your podcast and you were discussing the eating habits of clowns

that if we've achieved nothing in this line of work we've achieved that that is okay as a topic and as an opening to the reference about a topic. Brilliant. And I had forgotten that we'd discussed that. That was great.

This is a topic that I feel I can shed some light on. Oh, good. Ah. As I'm one of the few people who can say that they were sacked for feeding clowns. Blimey. I had a summer job as a teenager at a theme park in Yorkshire. Alan might know it well.

Little details, lovely little details there. What are you saying, details? a theme park in Yorkshire. Alan might know it well. Little details, lovely little details there. What are you saying, details? What theme park? It's a big county, Yorkshire. Do you know of any theme parks? I know of the Jorvik Viking Centre, but I don't think they had clowns, and that's... There's Clogland, isn't there?

Is there? I believe there's Clogland. I don't remember them having clowns. I'm guessing. Is there a Euro I believe there's clogged land. I don't remember them having clowns. I'm guessing. Is there a Euro Whip Bee? Euro Whip Bee. I don't think so. OK. Anyway, so, anyway, a theme park in Yorkshire. OK.

Some days I had to work in the staff canteen and the hired troop of clowns would come by before lunch. I would let them behind the counter to help themselves as I played with their devil sticks and juggling balls. Anyway... Leave it there. Yeah. Anyway, their food of choice? Deep fried chicken

burger and a sesame seed bap. I've always stored this information just in case I ever have to bait a clown trap. Love the show. Keeps me in touch with home, Rob. There you go. It's funny what you keep in your head just in case you have to bait a clown trap. Love the show. Keeps me in touch with home, Rob. There you go. It's funny what you keep in your head just in case you have to bait a clown trap, isn't it? Was it sesame seeds or was it glitter? Oh, I hope it was glitter.

Yeah, that'd be lovely. It was garnished with glitter, definitely. It's worth knowing now that they eat deep-fried chicken burgers. And a sesame seed back. They don't have to worry about the calorie content because clown trousers can be... Exactly. If you're going to grow into them.

Yeah. Them babies. They knew that they've got a life in braces anyway. They don't have to worry about their belt setting, do they? They can go straight to... That's so true. They've got the Jules Holland belt setting, is what they've got.

They have. And if they get, you know, if they become pallid through too much junk food, who's going to notice that either? I worry about their lipstick coming off, though. What, on the burger? Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

There's a lot of density with that lipstick. Yeah. Don't like it. I'm hoping that they add a lapel flower with ketchup. In a dream world of clowns in a fast food parlour, that's what would happen. The idea of letting the clowns in a fast food parlour. That's what would happen. The idea of letting the clowns help themselves behind the counter, it just sounds like chaos in there, doesn't it?

Flinging food about. Sounds like a circus. Yeah. Yeah. No, it is a nightmarish sort of image, isn't it? Clowns like gannets on a council tip. Like clambering. I imagine they clambered over the counter and stuff.

Oh! Oh, no. A bit when they squeezed the burgers, it went, oh! I can't imagine that table manners were particularly adhered to either. No. I wouldn't have liked that. Are clowns really bald, or do they just wear bald cap things? No, they're all bald. It's a union rule. Yeah. Don't they inject them with alopecia at the

circus? No, but Frank, if you had hair, you'd want to show it off. You wouldn't go around voluntarily wearing that bald cap thing. Oh, I don't know. I think it's not the biggest sacrifice clowns make. I think we're forgetting dignity. It's got to be up there. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.