The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 14 June

Episode Date: June 14, 2011

Alun Cochrane joins Frank and Emily this week for his first Podcast. Find out why Frank feels invisible and why Alun may not have very many friends left. Plus Emily has discovered the perfect crime.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Ah, Absolute Radio. The home of... The home of Frank Skinner. Saturday mornings from 8.

Ah, Absolute Radio. Welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hello. Absolute Radio Sorry, you'll get out of that. You know what I like? It's a bit like a contestant fan called Blockbusters, which I rather like. It's like, hello, Bob. It's that kind of thing. Yes. Well, they often do that, don't they, on those shows?

On Family Fortunes, they said Les basically every sentence. You have to say Les at the end of every sentence when you spoke to Les Dennis. Yeah. So what do you do? I'm a plumber, Les. Oh, and you had a bit of a strange incident, didn't you, with a dog that got caught in a cistern?

No, Les. Oh, it was a shot in the dark. I didn't read the research notes. I just got to the point of confidence now where I think you'll have to have a story about anything I can come up with. Any formula. No, sorry, Les, I feel I've let you down. Forget it. I'm having trouble with my marriage.

Do you think I want this in my life? So, sorry, Les, I feel I've let you down. Forget it. I'm having trouble with my marriage. Do you think I want this in my life? So, anyway, I had what I'm going to call an incident. Tell us. Only, this is borderline. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio, but it isn't that. I wish you'd been going to a gig at the Forum. That would have been excellent. Oh, yeah.

It's still going. Oh, God, yeah, that would have been brilliant. Go on, then. Or a toga party held at the Forum, that would have been excellent. It's still going. Oh, God. Yeah, that would have been brilliant. Go on then. Or a toga party held at the Forum. Anyway, look, I was crossing Waterloo Bridge. Frank, I'm really sorry to interrupt you again, but you did something brilliant just then. You did a Simon Cowell look.

It's the first one I've ever heard from you. Can you hear a look? Anyway, look. Yeah, okay. Look. You can hear that. Yeah? Anyway, look. Yeah, okay, yeah. Look. Yeah. You can hear that. Yeah, right, look. So, well, look.

That was, I don't know if that was as good as last week's performance, but it was really, it was, you know, it was really good. You could win this. Can I just say for a split second when you said I don't know if I was as good as last week's performance, I didn't realise it was a Simon Cowell impersonation and you were looking directly at me. Oh, no.

I was thinking, it's a bit harsh, isn't it? Oh, well... It's really nice off, Mike. Yeah, but it was nice of you to call it an impression. I'd say it was more of a recitation based on some of his catchphrases. I wasn't doing the voice. Anyway, I was crossing Waterloo Bridge,

and there was a man leading, I would say, 25 Chinese people towards me. An English man. And he was obviously, you know, he had the raised stick. He was obviously a guide to a guy. And he said... He had a stick? Yeah, he had a stick. So the people could see where they were going.

I thought you meant he was using it to usher people. It does sound like there was an Englishman flaying 25 Chinese people to cross a bridge. Get across the bridge. No, it was... He was leading them. He wasn't driving them. I'm not suggesting that for a second. Anyway, so as we got close, I see a lot of...

I live very in the heart of London, so I see a lot of tourists. I thought nothing of it. He said, oh, and here's our first celebrity of the morning, Frank Skinner, ladies and gentlemen. Well, obviously it meant nothing to the Chinese. I wasn't even sure if they spoke English, and if they did, they wouldn't know who I was. So there was the odd sort of noise, but they were very unimpressed, not interested,

looked at me as if they had no use for me at all, and carried on. And I thought, this is how, all those those years ago the knife and fork must have felt that sense of rejection perfectly you know in my own context perfectly successful but the chinese they won't have it no they really won't and then in another thing in the street, a bloke said to me, do you know you look just like the dog on the Walls advert? He didn't. Well, I mean, what does that mean? What is the Walls advert? It's a... there's a talking dog, isn't there?

Is there a talking dog? I think there's a talking dog on an advert. Oh, well, I'm liking him better. Not exposed to many adverts, but I think that is it. Yeah. Does it sing? I don't feel so bad about it if it's articulate. It's very articulate.

Is it verbose? It's hilarious, Frank. What kind of dog is it? This is what I do, Alan. It's really funny. Yeah, but he said I look like it. He didn't say I had a similar level of wit. And handsome.

It's a funny, handsome dog, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, it's that funny, handsome dog on the... He said I look like it. He didn't say I had a similar level of wit. And handsome. It's a funny, handsome dog, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, it's that funny, handsome dog on the... With the lovely, soft skin. And it advertises walls. Yeah. Is it the sausage?

What, for urinating up? Oh, it's sausages. I think it's walls sausages. Oh, they've gone a bit root one, haven't they? What are we going to use to advertise sausages? What about a dog? He looks like Frank Skinner. Yeah?

So, what kind of dog breed is it? I don't know. I think it's a cartoon dog. Are you lying, Alan? Oh, it's a cartoon. I know I've sprung this on you, but I only just remembered it. It's not a Springer. Oh, OK. There he goes. Thank you.

Oh, well, anyway, I'll look into it. It'll be on YouTube, won't it? Oh, I would think. And it's on the telly. I know, but I can't wait all day on the off chance. Besides, I've got stuff to do. Also, I might have to watch ITV, which is the ultimate sacrifice I find with one's time. Yeah.

I've actually had it. I've actually tip-exed it out in the Radio Times. That's the first thing I do every week when I get this out, Radio Times. Tip-ex out ITV. It's not going to... What am I going to watch on there? That's such a brilliantly retro pastime in so many senses. But is there an online Radio Times? I don't think there is. I think there's only the paper version. There's Sky Plus now.

Yeah, but it's not the same. You don't get there is. I think there's only the paper version. There's Sky Plus now. Yeah, but it's not the same. You don't get interviews with Thora Heard. Through Derek Acora, obviously. I've ruined several televisions tip-exing ITV off my Sky Plus. You should use Whitewash. Then

mischievous boys can write things. Even tip-ex is a bit retro, isn't it? Not a bit. Who's still using it? Anybody? Frank, it seems. Yeah. Well, you know, I thought I'd use it up. I'm not just going to let it go dry.

Anyway, you're Mr Martin. You've got an iPhone. I have this week. Oh, well. Have you got any sort of special? You know that I'm in with the in crowd. Fantastic. The suggestion that we're anything approaching the in crowd is very impressive. Well, we both have

phones of that nature. I don't want to advertise, of course. Don't advertise on absolute radio, where advertising, of course, is a definite no-no. How are you finding it? What are yeah but uh how are you finding it what are you driving how are you finding it i'm uh i'm i'm not great with it i i'm really quite uh

i'm i'm what they call a late adopter as you can tell from the fact that i've just got one everybody else has had them for ages and ages and i just i i basically lost an ipod and had an old phone that was a bit rubbish and I thought well I'll do both but so far I haven't been able to get my music onto the phone and then it took me ages because when I got it they said oh yeah it'll work and then I put it on both my computers and they were both running on such old operating systems I had to update those and then I transferred my contacts from the old one onto this one and lost half of the numbers in my phone which lost them yeah there was a sort of a random call of half of my numbers um and not even with any pre-meditation

so i've lost i'll i will be able to oh here we go just a little little rave from the ground yeah so i'll be able to get in touch with but My mates Dave and Pete are now not in my phone. I've got their emails somewhere, so it'll be fine. But some people have made the cuts that really do not deserve to. Oh, really? Yeah, so like there's... See, I think most deserve to. Because I actually think you've done a great thing there.

Oh, really? You've done an inadvertent cull. But you should do it anyway as a matter of course. I think the phone should do it randomly. I do. You can have too many friends. I think it should be like Countdown, the numbers round. I think they should say, right, I'll have two off the Frequents, one off the Relatives, and one off the Met Them Only Once.

And then they have to go, and you cannot call those people under any circumstances. Very liberating. And also, Frank, I have, I see it as, you know the wardrobe rule, Alan? I don't know if you do, perhaps you don't. When, if I haven't worn anything for longer than six months, out it goes.

That's a year in everyone else's house. Yeah, six months. So I think friends are the same. If you haven't called me, you're out. That can't work for six months because of the seasons. That means that come the end of summer, you have to throw away all your winter clothing, good or not. I work a season ahead. I'm now on next spring, summer. Don't start thinking about it. You won't be able to cope. So what season are you in? Are you in season? I thought that was the drains. season are you in? Are you in season?

I thought that was the drains. I've already done Autumn Winter 2011. Have you? So they're in the wardrobe waiting. They will be shortly, yeah. It feels like I've only just got an iPhone and you've got a time machine. That's what this feels like. I now feel like a really late

adopter. I can barely keep a phone number and you're working a year in advance. How's that work? Well, my friend of mine, I remember, this is pre-iPhone, she sat with her address, but she decided one, she was a woman of big decisions. She decided one day that as she got older she had less time to spare. And she thought that she'd rather spend more time with people she really liked than less time with people she didn't, including people she didn't.

So she went through her address book and just crossed them out. Wow. Brilliant. And she said, you know, she wasn't too strict. Anyone who was very borderline, she'd leave in. But most, she said she got rid of about 40% of the people. I like the idea of anyone that's borderline leave in but you know any but most she said she got rid of about 40 percent of the people i like the idea of anyone that's borderline leaving it's almost like the benefit of the doubt on the offside rule exactly exactly with the attack yeah the line is there definitely no i think that my problem is with the calling from certainly from the phone is um there's two

reasons for contacts i always think there's there's there's knowing reasons for contacts, I always think. There's knowing that they've called you because hurrah, and there's knowing that they've called you, I'm not answering this. Exactly. And if you take out the people you don't like, then the danger thing happens. I did, on the old phone, I did go to the trouble of writing down

a woman that was in a car insurance dispute with me so that if she ever rings me in a sort of antagonistic way, I know to screen it. There's not many numbers in my phone that I really want to screen. I always feel a bit worried about screening people. Stick around with me a bit longer. I screened somebody in a public place the other day and thought, can they see me?

Have I just coincidentally walk past someone and they've gone, oh, I'll phone him and see if he's green. You know what I mean? No. Tap you on the shoulder. No, I do get that as well. I don't understand. Well, you just get paranoid.

For example, I was on a sun lounger in the south of France recently. Someone called me, and he's the sort of person that travels a lot and might well be in the south of France. And when he called me out of the blue, I thought, I wonder if he's here. Right. And I screened him and I just thought, oh, maybe I'll look round and he'll jump out of the pool or something.

I'm on the balcony. But I don't understand what screening is in that respect. Just ignoring the call. Oh, I see. Dropping the call. You see, I don't take any calls that a name doesn't come up. If it's just a number, I never, ever answer the phone. There's someone who phones me from Cardiff three times a week.

Really? No idea who that is. Well, why don't you start paying the maintenance then? Well... LAUGHTER I mean, it's cheap living there, isn't it? I would bet that is one of those call centres that just sends out those blind calls

that they're doing some kind of weird insurance thing, or that they want you to phone back to see what it is. There's some murky... Have you googled the number? Well, I googled it to the point where it said it was a Cardiff number. That was all I needed to know.

I mean, okay, it could be someone at the university. I wanted to speak about Johnson or something. But, you you know if it's Charlotte Church begging for work I don't want to have that embarrassing conversation I'm hiding from Charlotte Church that's my basic

I was quite pleased because before the call a bloke who bought a car off me years ago had made three I think he'd gone through two different phone transfers and I quite liked the fact that he was still in there. Yeah. He phoned me up in the middle of the night to buy my car.

I'd been to... He sounds like a partying type. Well... He sounds to me like someone who couldn't get a cab. I know. He didn't have a car. Oh, I'm never going to get a cab. Have you got loot?

Let's have a look, see what we've got here. Last of the days. Change of mind. Yeah, it was quite weird, because I had been to watch a Richard Hawley concert with my mate Noel. We both realised that our wives or girlfriends were away, and that we'd inadvertently... Wives or girlfriends?

The wags were away. And we'd gone to watch a crooner, and we sort of made a tacit agreement to have a few beers and then we're in the cab and at half past midnight this guy runs up and goes I want to buy your car

it says £1200 will you take £1100? this is not the time mate I've had a few drinks can we talk about this in the morning oh you put him off yeah I said can we speak about this in the morning

oh no we have to walk her and morning? Oh, you put him off. Yeah, I said, can we speak about this in the morning? Oh, no, you have to walk her. And the next day... If you were to say, if I found someone to buy their car and they said I'm at a Richard Hawley concert, I'd say, forget it. I didn't tell him I was at a Richard Hawley concert. No, I didn't tell him that. I was in a cab, I'm coming home.

But he lived in the same block of flats as me, so that was why he'd seen... I'm surprised he called you for a tour. Did you have one of those things in your car? You had one of those stickers in the car. Oh, I like those stickers. Oh, no. Did you have oh, no on the end?

Oh, no. Why did they put oh, no? Did they have oh, no on the end? John Lennon was asked that in an interview in 1972. He said yes in the early days. What does it mean? All nearest offer. Oh, I never knew. Oh, I never knew!

Oh, I never knew! Oh, it's a combination of an idiotic eureka moment and an acronym. Oh, it's my dream. Yeah, all nearest offer. And Urvieno is all very near offer, isn't it? Oh, I didn't know that either. I had, and my other car's a Porsche. That's like a joke thing.

Not in my world. No, true. I had a mate, and he, every time we passed a car park that had one of those stickers in, he'd look at it and go, hmm, not bad. Always. Always. Always.

The other car is a Porsche. No, the one that was for sale. The Ono car. No, when he read the other car is a Porsche, he laughed like a... Who wouldn't? Baby on board. I like that one. Yeah, that's... Unless, of course, the driver is a vivisectionist.

Frank, one of my favourite crimes was committed this week do you have a list of favorite crimes i do um well no i should say this what i liked what appealed to me about this crime was that it involved someone using a skill which wasn't necessarily connected with the activity but essentially it was a contortionist thief oh Oh, yeah, the contortionist thief. In a suitcase. How brilliant is that? You know when you go on coach trips and... Why are you sniggering? I'm laughing at the idea of you knowing what a coach trip is like.

I thought I'd know you that well, but I just didn't have the ring of sincerity about, you know, when you go on a coach trip. Yeah, well, at the time we did the National Express. No, she means like the one at Jordan's wedding. The see-through one with the ponies, I see. Did I say coach trips as if there are inverted commas around it? You know, when you go on coach trips and there's the big luggage hold

and the man waits there for your luggage. Well, this is the point at which the contortionist thief would clamber inside. Get inside the case. His accomplice would zip him up. Then he'd have a rampage when the coach took off because he had a little headlamp, apparently. He'd unzip and then start going through all the other cases. Brilliant.

And he'd steal things. But then I think his plan went wrong when the accomplice abandoned him in a case somewhere. Oh. Yeah. It's brilliant, though. It is, isn't it? He's in a left luggage office somewhere for three months.

That's what happened to that MI5 guy as well. No, I felt... He wears a little headlight, doesn't he? Yeah, headlamp, yeah. And his thing, and he's got a little pick. I mean, the moment the coach starts off and everyone's up front, he's in there in the back like a little grotto going around with it. It's so brilliant.

Yeah, and even the contortionist thief sounds like an Enid Blyton story, doesn't it? Yeah. I know what you mean. I'm very admiring of him as well. I was hoping that at the end of the story, it would say that he'd escaped through an on-strong tennis racket. His only contortionist can, but it didn't. He was nabbed, wasn't he?

And apparently they have a prison especially for contortionist thieves. Do they? 500 to a cell. I mean, it's ridiculous. But, Frank, that would be a really good job for world's shortest man, if you can call being a thief a job. Yes, I think you can. Some would say, yeah.

I think in broken Britain, it's a popular industry. Yeah. But that would be great for one of the world... Well, there are two, actually, at the moment. I don't know, are you familiar with their work, Alan of the world well there are two actually at the moment are you familiar with their work Alan the world's shortest men there can't be two world's shortest men surely

I'll tell you what happened there was the world's shortest man and there was someone shorter than him yes but that was him falling down the stairs that was an impression but the other one was on Yes, but you... Yes, that was him falling down the stairs. That was an impression. But the other one... Jean-Roy Balawang.

Was on... Wow. He was under 18 and you can't qualify because obviously I could have qualified as the world's shortest man when I was six months old. You have to wait till they're finished growing. Yeah. So...

So Jean-Roy Balawang has everything to pay for. They're always... They're always... There's often a head-to-head, as it were. What's his name? Jean-Roy Balawang. Jean-Ri Balawang has everything to pay for. They're always, sir. They're always. There's often a head-to-head, as it were. What's his name? Jun-Rei Balawang. Jun-Rei Balawang. So right now he is chain-smoking

and just doing everything he possibly can to stay smart. Essentially, yeah. Wow. Oh, he's working on the stunting. Yeah. Yeah, well, he would have been good, but it's not as exciting as a contortionist. This bloke was 5'10".

Oh, was he? 5'10 in a suitcase. And his name was Louis Vuitton, yeah? But it wouldn't have worked, would it? Before the wheel suitcase, which I particularly hate. I mentioned on this show before that one of my big pet hates is the wheel suitcase. Really?

You couldn't have done this crime, because imagine carrying him about without the wheels. Yeah. So the fact that the weight was bearable has led to serious crimes being committed. I have a bugbear about the four-wheeled suitcase, because I think it makes people take too much, it's too heavy, and the only reason they take it is because it's on the four wheels,

so they take too much much and then when they have to go up some steps they've realised that they physically cannot lift their own suitcase. It's like the Daleks. You should only take a suitcase that you can carry yourself. I agree. I've always said this, don't pack it if you can't carry it. That's always been my view. It's one of your

mottos. It is one of my mottos. I've got a whole league table which I shall expose over the next few weeks. I love the idea of transferableottos. I've got a whole league table which I shall expose over the next few weeks. I love the idea of transferable circus skills. I once did a gig in Paris and walked from the hotel to the venue where the gig was. What, on a big ball? Is that what you're about to tell us? I say walked, it was more unicycle. I walked past some sort of building site work being done and the french builders were putting in air conditioning units in the ceiling and instead of a palada like a

british worker would be the guy was on special stilts and i thought how cool the french have got circus skills and did he have those big, long baggy trousers on that make it look a little bit like legs but with strange knees? For a minute, I thought another one was going to come in juggling the tools. Oh, you wanted this hammer, didn't you? It's a weird moment of thinking the French are really utilising the circus workers that are not employed in Cirque du Soleil anymore. I remember an elephant, an ex-circus elephant at Dudley Zoo,

escaped from its enclosure. They said it's escaped using circus skills, it said in the paper. That must have been on the big ball, surely. Lock picking. Trapeze. You remember an elephant. It's usually the other way round, isn't it? That's true

this is Dudley Zoo though what I envy about the contortionist thief is that I've often wondered what my knees smell like and I'll never know that I'm sure there are people out there who can tell us they're not in my phone anymore no definitely not And I'll never know that. I'm sure there are people out there who can tell us. Well, there are.

They're not in my phone. Anymore. No, definitely not. That would be... Do you remember the bloke? No, this was a criminal I really admired. He collected, he was in prison for... I think he was a lifer. Oh.

And he collected, over a period of about 15 years, dental floss. Did he? And he got a rope and lowered himself out of the prison and escaped. A dental floss rope, which is the most brilliant crime. He did what? He constructed a rope out of dental floss? Yeah, he nicked, I think every week or something, they had a toiletry blah, blah, blah, and he used to take a new dental floss container every week or something, they had a toiletry blah, blah, blah, and he used to take a new dental floss container every week,

and then he plaited it, and over the years he built it into a rope. That's first class. And the brilliant thing was, you know all that gondy stuff you get round the inside of bars in windows? Got rid of all that? Got rid of all that. No, it's a true story true story that bit isn't true he cleaned the windows so well he got a pardon

when they finally caught him oh they were pristine absolutely pristine that is time consuming though isn't it trying to make a rope out of dental floss I suppose all the time that he would have been making a ship out of matchsticks he spent making a rope out of dental floss it is time consuming but this is one of the plosses of a life sentence yeah you've got a lot of

so frank alan i've just returned i never got a chance to talk to you in all the excitement of it was all about you if i'm honest alan on the saturday show oh okay and that's fine but it just meant that normally i will discuss my holiday and i didn't get a chance no that's okay it's no biggie how was it i'm doing it now how was it your your holiday was it a coach trip no coach trip megabus you've been on a megabus trip i went to the south of France, and it was so posh there, this place. It's a really posh kind of, you know all that great Gatsby era? It's that sort of hotel. Art Nouveau?

Very much so, Frank. The Hotel du Cap, it's called. Writers and artists used to gather. Oh, I know the Hotel du Cap. Do you? Yeah. Yeah, I think he used to live there, didn't he? Who?

F. Scott Fitzgerald? Did David Niven live there? No, David Baddiel. He lived just along the coast. David Baddiel lived there. I don't think he lived. I think he worked there. I think he was the maitre d' for a short period.

It did look a bit like him. It was where writers and artists used to gather. It's very famous. Now it's oligarchs and ladies of the night. Oligarchs. We never did find out what they are. I know. Four days we haven't known.

Hang on. Oligarchs and ladies of the night. In which capacity were you there in? She's an oligarch. You've so much to learn, Alan, about me. Anyway. I saw that there was a thing about Carol Vorderman winning at Rear of the Year in the paper.

Oh, yeah. That was your honour. There was a picture of her in turned-up jeans in the thing. How did you know? One of the comments, readers' comments, someone, I think it was a female name, said, I can't believe those clothes she's wearing. She looks like a walker of the street.

I thought a walker of the street. Is that an old detective series? Boy walker of catchphrase, mate. Walker of the street i thought a walker of the street is that an old detective uh series my walker of catchphrase walker of the street or pedestrian she looks like a pedestrian what's going on sorry carry on anyway guys this place was so posh that when i arrived in my car i had one of those sort of wh smith bags i don't know if i'm allowed to say that but news agent bags which was a bit battered from the journey with my reading matter in it you know and all my gubbins took it inside the hotel as them as the white gloved liveried man opened the door he looked at the plastic bag with such horror he went oh and he took it off me he grabbed it off me i never saw it again you're joking no i never saw it again. You're joking. No, I never saw it again. I think it was considered just rot.

You can't have that in the lobby. It's so immaculate there. Wow. And then I had problems because, you know, I speak a bit of schoolgirl French, but it's not great. And I think my reach exceeds my grasp a bit when it comes to a lot of things, actually.

I've often thought that. Frank. But I attempted to order breakfast, and I thought I did rather well. Petit Dijon, eh? I ordered what I thought were some Danish pastries, some café noir,

some yoghurt and assorted other little bits, jams and toasts. He turned up with a shaved pineapple. Shaved? Shaved! Shavings of pineapple. Oh, okay. Like it was a really specific off-menu order, I'd imagine. I like to, I think, you know, when in Rome, and whenever I'm abroad,

I'll go for the complete boiled ham, cheese and cake sort of breakfast that they seem to favour. Yeah? But you've kept it quite anglaise. Did you eat the pineapple or did you say non, non, non? No, I had to pretend it's what I'd ordered. Oh, okay. I had to pretend.

It was healthier. Yeah, it was. But it was fabulous. But I did also, I met a girl when I was over there who was lovely. Oh, here it comes. No. Never Emily says that. No, it's fine.

There was an incident. Oh. She assumed, I think she assumed I was Jewish. Well, I'm not Jewish. People often think this about me. Yes, I almost used to think you were Jewish. A lot of people do. And I take that as a great compliment.

Well, I think, if I may say, it's based on the idea of the North London Jewish princess. It's like grand, young women women always immaculately dressed and with a certain, I'm going to say haughtiness and see how it goes. I'm happy with haughty. And I think you hang around in North London quite a lot. I can see how someone would make that mistake.

Well she kept saying, oh us North Londoners and then I realised she thought I was Jewish. Well then I had to sort of pretend I was. Well I don't know about the phrase have to. No, I was because I didn't well I don't know about the phrase have to no I never said I was Jewish but I let her believe I was so that was being economical with the truth

I just didn't ever correct her she wrongly assumed it and I felt it would disappoint her and ruin our bond if she knew the awful truth but you shouldn't have worn that long ragged overcoat and sang consider yourself I mean you lapsed into the studio.

Typical. What you did there was what my mum used to call lying by omission. You got caught lying by omission. You were a bad boy. That's what I did. Yeah. Lying by omission. You definitely did it. Do you think it made her happy? I'll never see her again. I think David Livingstone was once called lying

by omission. I think he was just tired. I think David Livingstone was once called lying by omissions. I think he was just tired. Dr. Livingstone. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I was only having a... Yeah. So, did you talk about Jewish stuff?

I mean, you don't have to. It's not like Jewish people talk about Jewish things all the time, is it? Well, no, she did. She talked about Jewish kind of social life. And she'd say, oh, well, you know what it's like. And I'd say, yes, anyway. And I just kept changing the subject. Because I'd gone too far.

I was too far deep into being Jewish. I couldn't get out. At any point when she said, do you know what it's like, did you say, oy vey? Because that is a problem. That is not allowed. Did she mention Beth Din or the filter fish? The filter fish. No, but I think I used Yiddish at one point.

You think? I think I used Yiddish. How did that manifest itself? Because I've grown up in North London, it comes very naturally to me. It's part of my lexicon. So I said, you don't want to pay that? It's schmuck prices. I did say that.

She left approving. Emily's arms were everywhere doing that that statement shoulders there was a jewish shrug there was exactly so i said you don't want to pay that as schmuck prices and she looked approvingly she smiled at me as if to say this friendship's going to last long and did you uh change uh addresses phone numbers no but i think she did say she was going to listen to the show did she yeah that's a slight problem, isn't it? Yes. Let's hope not the podcast.

The podcast is where you come out as being a Gentile. Some of my pet, I've lived next door to some very nice Gentiles. I'd like to apologise to her. She was a lovely girl. And I'd still like to be her friend. Will she have me, even though I'm not Jewish? Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

We'd all second that. Yeah, I definitely would. She could be a new contact. We've unfriended a few of it. See, people always assume that I'm a big drinker. People regularly say to me, I saw you at the... You'd had a few, hadn't you?

No. I haven't had a few, hadn't you? No. I haven't had a drink since September 24th night. Yeah, oh, you... And that's a worry to me, because that suggests I might be developing some sort of disability of some kind, which makes me seem drunk. Is it not that just people fill in the gaps? That's one of the problems with getting witnesses, isn't it,

that people make assumptions about what they've actually seen rather than what they have seen, is it that, do you think? Do you think, yeah, but... You have a sort of a career that people have thought, they know that you're into football and that you... So they think I'm a... Yeah. He's a new lad. Some sort of oik. Well, people make assumptions, don't they?

Oh, thank God they make assumptions, there's no question about that. They often think, as far as I can tell from walking around London, they think I'm invisible. I'm not invisible. They think that I'm some sort of hologram. People walk into me on a regular basis. Really?

And I mean, really, I can see someone coming, and I'm thinking, well, I'm prepared to go slightly at an angle here so we can both get past. You know, I'll lead with one shoulder. I don't mind that. They just keep going.'ll lead with one shoulder, I don't mind that. They just keep... And I don't mean... I don't necessarily mean hoodlums. They can be little old ladies, attractive young women.

Straight on. And it's always, always me that has to do the sideways step. I know exactly what you mean. My mate Neil was once on a tube platform and said he genuinely thought he might be invisible because a person walked towards him, he was stepping back and back and back, and he eventually ended up pinned up adjacent to the tube map while the guy stood right in front of him looking at the tube map

and he couldn't move. And I was thinking, can you not see that I'm here? Perhaps he was long-sighted. No, I find it absolutely puzzling. It's weird. It's a weird moment. I'm thinking that people in the natural insecurity of their lives see every one they pass as a little moment of confrontation. And that to move even slightly to one side

is to suggest some sort of weakness. I'm blaming the class system. Yeah. You're put upon. Whereas because I'm, I mean, brimming with self-confidence, I don't mind doing the shoulder. What happens if we all adopt that thing? You're just going to walk straight into each other.

Occasionally, as I've said to you before, Emily, if I see anyone reading their phone, I will deliberately, I'll go out of my way to walk into them as a lesson. Yes, he goes a bit mental. It's a bugbear of mine. Don't move and not look where you're going. Like, looking where you're going. If you're looking at your phone, stop. Stop moving. There's no momentum needed.

You can stop and look at it and then walk again. Yeah. Heads up. Absolutely right. I've considered carrying a small squeaky child's toy hammer and just wrapping people on the forehead if they're not looking where they're going. So you can do that, because how tall are you? I'm about 6ft 3.

See, if I started doing that, I think I might... I mean, for a man in my age, I don't know if I could take those sort of regular ruffings up. I don't know. Perhaps something more gentle, like a sticker, just a little sticker on their head saying, wasn't looking where going. Or something, I don't know.

But you can't assume anything nowadays. What about this? This is absolutely true. I was looking at the Sky Plus thing. There's a programme on BBC for Mark Gatiss' History of Horror. Do you know this? No. Yes.

Mark Gatiss' History of Horror, and I looked at it, and the notes came up, and it said, may contain horror actually it also said that about pop star to opera star Absolute Radio The home of Frank Skinner Saturday mornings from 8 Absolute Radio