The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 17 Nov 2010

Episode Date: November 16, 2010

All the stuff that Frank, Emily and Gareth didn't get time to talk about on last week's show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio with Gareth and Emily. Hi.

Hi. Worried about my hair, what do you think? What aspect of it are you worried about? Well, I looked at it, it looks, I just looked at it in the mirror. It looks like it's become like a small flame on my head. Got a bit of a tin-tin quiff going on. You know that bit in the Bible when the disciples are all locked in their rooms and then flames appear on their head?

It looked like that. Hmm. Hmm. So, what I've done is I didn't stay... The Day of Pentecost. Yeah. I don't think they were locked in separate rooms. Did I say separate rooms?

They were locked in their rooms like they've been naughty Well they're locked in a room You lot, well I'm separating you Also did they live in some form of student accommodation? Why were they all in separate halls of residence? Disciple house They were in a kind of one big room Oh were they?

I think it was like a studio apartment It was open planned But when I went to the barbers They were in one big room. Oh, were they? I think it was a studio apartment. Studio. And they locked themselves in. It was open plan. But when I went to the barbers and they said, what do you want? I didn't say, Pentecost. Pentecost. Go for it.

Anyway, that's neither hither nor thither, I think you'll agree. I went to see Legally Blonde. Oh, that sounds very at my strata. It is. Well, the first song is called Oh Myonde. Oh, that sounds very at my stride, sir. It is. Well, the first song is called Oh My God. It's about girls in pink and stuff. It's brilliant, but before I got through the door, a girl, no, she wasn't teenage, probably early 20s,

said to me, oh God, you won't like this. It's not your cup of tea at all. Was it a filter? Was the door fitted with some sort of filter? Well, it was... No, not you. It wasn't the door. It was the woman or girl at the door.

It was very... And she said it was a very weird mix of sort of... It's almost sort of like she was carrying an idiots-only sign. She was saying to me, you know, you won't like this because you're a bit, you know, it's mainly for us idiots. And I thought, well, first of all, don't be harsh on yourself. And secondly, how can you possibly know what my taste is in live entertainment? And thirdly, how dare you?

Anyway, I carried on because I felt confident I would like it. It's the gayest event I've ever been to in my life. That doesn't make it a bad thing. No. But at one point I was saying to the friend sitting next to me, I said, what I like about this, I said, there's lots of celebrities here, but they're all very people who I don't really regard as proper celebrities,

so I'm more relaxed around them. Oh, good, like you then. Yeah, I said, yeah. Did you say that too? I said my friend who was okay and i said you know they're sort of comedy celebrities that are famous sort of to be laughed at more than anything else are they wiki faces and she started nudging me you know and i realized that craig revel horwood was not three seats away oh and i thought well i'm sure craig

wouldn't think i was well no you obviously weren't talking about him. But David Tennant was there. Oh, that's very A-list. Yeah, very A-list. And he was at the party after. And I have to admit, I was too frightened to approach him. Were you? You know what, you needed the OC. Yeah, I know the OC.

He's big pals with him. Yeah, he is. He's like, it's almost like the OC is his familiar. You know that thing? It's like a witch's familia. You know the thing that Derek Acora, is he called Sam or something? Sam who introduced him to the spirit, people from the world of spirit. That's what I needed. I needed the OC as my familia who could bring me into the tenant world.

But we were at the bar together. It was a perfect moment to lean across and say, I've seen your bed or something of that nature. Oh, was too frightened to me too frightened so i ended up speaking to someone from lighting i'm not saying they weren't interesting what other celebs were there oh well there was um simon callow oh not i thought you were going to say cow he must get that a lot he must get that a lot. He must get that a lot. He'll say, who's coming? Simon C... When he's on the phone. And at the moment, Simon hears a great burst of excitement

and then he says, Canada. There was a bit where, in the interval, he was leaning. You know when sometimes people lean on the stage to talk to friends in the front row? He leaned on the stage, middle of the stage, facing the audience in a real kind of... Kate, you haven't spotted me, by the way. Well, you know what that was?

I think it was a bit of territorial spraying. It's a bit, this is my area. Of course, I'm allowed to touch the stage, don't you know, because I am an actor. I was in Four Weddings and a Funeral, don't you know? That's a fabulous impression. Congratulations. He was called Gareth in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

You were. Move on. So there was Craig R for weddings and funerals. You were. Move on. So there was Craig Riffle Horwood and him. Simon C... Oh, hello. Yeah. And there was that bloke who comes on this morning and he's gay. I don't remember quite what he does.

Paul Ross? No, he's not gay. No, he's very un-gay. Philip Schofield? He's not gay. He's definitely not gay. We're going to get sued. It's not gay. No, he's very un-gay. Philip Schofield? He's not gay. He's definitely not gay. We're going to get sued. It's not snowing.

No, anyway, so it was... Are we going to get sued now? What? Because we've said... Don't see me. I haven't got anything. But I'll tell you something about... I recommend Legally Blonde and something... Talk to my lawyers.

It's the best dog acting I have ever seen in my life. Is there a real dog, Frank? There's two real dogs. Oh. Well, that's not hard acting? There's two real dogs. Oh. Well, that's not hard acting as a dog if they're a dog. Yes, but I've worked with a few so-called stage dogs. Yeah, so? Right?

I know. If Chris Miles, my Chris Miles nerve twitched, not me, not me, Buster. I, no, I've worked with a few dogs. And I hate you for even. Not me. Not me, Buster. I, um... No, I've worked with a few dogs. And, uh... I hate you for even... So, uh, and then they turn up with their handlers. Oh, God.

Yeah, and their handlers. They've always got the job, because you've said, what I need him to do, I need him to be able to jump onto my lap at a given signal. Can I ask you something? Oh, yes, he'll do that. Why does a handler always wear a sweatshirt, I find, as well? Well, if you're dog handling.

Oh, well, that's true. It's got to be something you can rinse. You don't want to crack open the Versace. No, no, because that would be straight to the vet. So anyway, they always say, oh, yeah, you can, if you, you know, can you make him bark? Yes, just one word from me, he'll bark. And when they can, they can never do anything. Absolute

rubbish. You could just as soon have sent someone off to the park and just say, just get a dog, we'll make the best Yeah, chances. They're just dog owners, not handlers If it's even their dog, they often act as if the dog's never seen it before But they

First of all, there's like a small Chihuahua. Is it a chihuahua? And he comes on stage and he goes up to the main character and goes, and she said,

what was that? What happened? And he went, and it was incredible. There's a bit where he jumps over three things right into a bag and then sits down.

I mean, amazing. And then there's a bulldog later on. Oh, I'm less keen on them. No, but he was very good. He was so good. Bit Jamie Redknapp, though.

Because I thought, I'll never see another dog who can act as well as the Chihuahua. Did he try and sell car insurance? No, he didn't. But the bulldog was so good, I wondered if it was the Chihuahua in a skin. I thought the chances of getting two dogs that good. I can imagine the Chihuahua coming off unzipping and going it's hot out there tonight

but I'd recommend Legally Blonde you don't have to be gay to enjoy it no but it helps which is something I've said about so many things over the years but I'm not going to name any of them so you were out on the town, weren't you? Yeah, I went out last night.

It was an interesting situation. Well, I think we'll be the judge of that. I think as you get older, you get a bit... Let's say it was a situation at this stage. Jury's still out. I may be beating it up by saying situation. I think as you get older, you get a bit more assertive. You become aware. You get to

know yourself and you get to know others. My friend invited me to a spoken word event. Okay. It was a theatre in Cambridge and it was a spoken word artist he really likes called Polar Bear. I didn't mean to laugh when I artist he really likes called Polar Bear. I didn't mean to

laugh when I said that. It's Polar Bear. It's his name. What do you mean by a spoken word artist? Well, it's kind of like poetry. I'm a spoken word artist, I suppose. Spoken word night, that's sitting in the pub with your friends, isn't it? No, it's sort of like, it's poetry but it's a bit cooler than poetry.

It's somewhere between rapping and poetry usually. That sounds dreadful. Well, I don't know. Pol than poetry. It's somewhere between rapping and poetry, usually. Sounds dreadful. Well, I don't know. Polar bear. It's poetry, but they don't want it to sound like poetry. No. My mate asked me along, and he said that he'd already asked his other mate,

and would I like to come? And I said, well, I'm happy to go with you, but if your other mate is definitely going, I'll not go. Do you know the other mate? No, I don't know. And you feel like you're being set up with other people's friends. Like, I don't like it when a friend of yours... You sound like a jealous lover.

No, a friend of yours invites you to something that he's invited his other friends who you don't know to. I don't like the friends of friends. You don't like people that much. I don't like... I do like people. I don't like... I'm not very good with new people. But surely that friend was a new people once. It's like, OK, Gareth, Frank and I were friends of friends.

What friends do we have in common? No, Frank and I. You and I don't have any friends in common. Frank and I were friends of friends. What friends do we have in common? No, Frank and I. You and I don't have any friends in common. Frank and I. Something about me. Frank and I were friends of friends. Frank and I. And then we broke through.

Yeah. Broke through the what? Well, then we became friends. Then we became actual friends. We stopped being FOF and just became F. Exactly. You see? Yeah, that's what happened.

So, having said that, and just became F. Exactly. You see? Yeah, that's what happens. So, having said that, I once toured with a guy called Steve Best. Do you know him? Is it a comic? No. Okay. He's alive.

He's got a friend he might know. Yeah. And I went out with him and his wife once, both very nice, who I knew. Very mild. And they brought a friend. Oh, yeah. And a woman.

And I have to say, I didn't take to her at all. Oh, God, was it me? No, but I really didn't. No, it wasn't you. I really didn't take to her. Oh, I love this. Hang on, I'm getting comfy. I love this story.

At about, I'd say it was about 20 past 10 in the evening. Why didn't you take to her, Frank? Come on. I can't remember now, but I remember very clearly saying to her, you know, I really don't like you at all. You did not? I did. Oh, my days.

Yeah, and it was an awkward moment. Yeah, it will be when you say that to someone. That's an overstatement, but I just felt it needed to be said. I bet that warmed up the evening with trees. No, but it was towards the end of the evening. I'd given a several...

Can I ask you, were you single at this time? I'd given a Labby Siffrey albums by the score. Were they trying to sort of set you up? No, not at all. Oh, just friends? No, just... Oh, you know who Frank will hate? Yeah, I don't want a relationship when I hate them at the beginning.

You know, that would be completely... Do I go before my horse to market? What was it about this woman that you took against? Well, I can't really remember. It was in a grey area. You know, it would have to be very strong for me to actually say, you know, I don't like you very much. But I, no.

It wasn't just jealousy, because you do get friend jealousy. You know what I mean? You think, oh, I wonder where we are in the league table of their friends. Also, Frank, don't you hate it when the friends of friends, I hate friends of friends, when they start going, oh, don't you remember when we did that thing and we went to Spain? And it's always something before you met them. Yeah.

Like old school friends. I hate it. Yeah, we get in there first. And I feel like I'm the one in the back of the car leaning through trying to talk to them. Yeah. That's how I feel at that point. Yeah, I'm not really listening.

And I would have been, like, they are both, I would have been the other friend. That's the thing. Because I'm quite a gentle person. Yeah, I'm not being rude, but you would have been. I would have definitely been the other friend. I'm always the other friend. I don't know if you've even been the other friend. That's the thing. Because I'm quite a gentle person. Yeah, I'm not being rude, but you would have been. No, you would have definitely been the other friend. I'm always the other friend. I don't know if you've even been the other friend.

I think you might have been making up the numbers. Shut up. Yeah. I think you might have been, I thought I better invite these blokes out and sit in for ages. I think you might have even been that. But I think this, something happened in the car. Well, there was a...

Something happened in the car. Well, there was a... Something happened in the car? It was an incident. On the way, I noticed something that confirmed my suspicions. I don't think I would have got on with this other friend. They were both wearing the same school blazer. No, he didn't. Just me and the friend went in the end. The other friend didn't.

You saw him off. He won. Well, no, he wouldn't have liked this slightly arty spoken word situation. He thought it was loads of rubbish. I thought you didn't know the other guy. You don't know him. Don't you prejudge him? Well, no, that wouldn't have liked this slightly arty spoken word situation. He thought it was loads of rubbish. I thought you didn't know the other guy. You don't know him, don't you? Well, no, that's what my friend said. My friend said about the other guy.

You know what he's trying to do now? Yeah, and if you hadn't gone, he'd have said that about you. Exactly. Oh, it's not true. Anyway, I got in the car. He's trying to play you off against one. I'll tell you, you're being played like violence. I noticed in the car, on the inside of the windscreen,

drawn in the condensation was the genitals of a man. Who had done... What, the friend of the friend had done it? And the friend of the friend had drawn that on. I'm losing my sight. Is that right? So you knew where to sit. Did he write in the dirt,

if my wife was this dirty, I wouldn't leave the house in the morning? No, he hadn't done that. OK. Well, let him off. I think what he had done is spoke volumes. What a horrible man. I think you're right. I once saw, written in the dirt of a white, well, not written, drawn

in the dirt of a white van, a really fabulous drawing of Hank Williams, the country of Western legend. It was brilliant. Wow. And it'd just drawn in dust. And I thought, bit of rain and that'll be gone.

But honestly, it was one of those moments in life where you think, oh, isn't... Well, I'll tell you what it was. Reasons to be cheerful, part three. Yeah, it was. Well, not necessarily part three but you know what i'm saying yeah well how many of those jingles have you got the choice with those other friends they don't always know their place that's the problem hey what's polar bear um it was

well the thing was on the poster it's a white backdrop you couldn't see um is he on a little glassy mint um it said on the poster if you stood on a mock glassy mint say what about 18 inches across um on the poster it said a departure from his normal style so my friend was a big fan of what he normally does but we all are frank and i'm big fans should we get him on as a guest we should yeah good no i don't think so. He's from Birmingham. Is he? God, this global warming has gone completely out of hand.

And what it was, it was called a spoken film. Oh, ridiculous. I don't want to hear any more about it. What you might want to hear about, though, is something rather exciting.

I've come up with a little bit of an invention. I've never had an invention before. Yes. But it did... Never had an invention. I've never invented anything. Right. OK.

And this week, that's all changed. Because due to the adverse weather conditions this week, you may have noticed last week, I apologise, very windy and rainy. My worst combo. Can't bear that. It's not popular. It's not universally popular.

No, fine. I don't mind a bit of wind on its own. Don't mind a bit of rain on its own. But together, it's a lethal cocktail. Yeah, you're right. Because you get the upturned umbrella. Who can look good with that? Oh, I hate the upturned umbrella. Who can look good with that? Oh, I hate the upturned umbrella. It makes me feel sick, the humiliation. I just feel so mortal.

I hate it. I end up walking against the wind with the umbrella, not sheltering me from the rain at all, but just have it go straight forward to try and stop it doing it. Because it happened to me once, it blew inside. This is absolutely true. And somebody walking past as I tried, struggled to get it back said, go on, get a life.

And I thought, what do you mean, get a life? This is not something I've come out to do. This is not a pastime. I'm struggling here. Can you believe it? Anyway, so what's your invention? Okay. A windshield of some kind.

No, it's still an umbrella. I honestly want to go on Dragon's Den with this. I want to go on Dragon's Den. Duncan Bannatyne, I think he'll be impressed. Isn't Dragon's Den the name of your house? Very good. It's an umbrella. That was the most...

Sorry, I'm completely blank. I'm really glad you butted in there. When I was on the cuff. This week's competition is complete, that sentence. That was the most... From Gareth John Richards. So anyway... Oh, I've lost my place now.

Your invention. So do you want to know what it is? It's an umbrella, but it's made of metal. I think I might have seen one of these before. No, you haven't it's a steel umbrella steel yes but thin sheets of metal like like oh you mean song canvas yeah no canvas at all just still the whole thing is metal it's retractable goes in and out quickly no i've thought of that because it's made of whatever that substance they make um business card holders with it's made of that like a little metal yes but wafer thin like sort of laptop mac airbook thin

and then it's retractable one action and that's it in and out stainless steel yes but that stain sometimes i find does it but you wouldn't it wouldn't be shaking water everywhere it would protect you against the wind no because it because the water would just come off. It'd be dry in a second. Wouldn't the edges be quite sharp? Yeah, you know when you walk along and you click umbrellas? They'd be sparking. They'd be actual sparking.

It'd be like Ben-Hur. I'd love it. With the chariot racing. You could slice the top of someone's head off. I think it would have to be heavy, though. No, they can do things very aerodynamically now. With steel? Yes.

It might need to be made of something else. My judgement is off. I was absolutely convinced that the umbrella hat was going to be a big thing. You remember the umbrella hat? What was that? It's just like that hat that you wear, like a cap with straps under the chin

and it's got an umbrella fitting. When I first saw them, I thought, well, that's going to absolutely... There'll be no umbrellas in two years' time. The umbrella... If I'd have had money, if I'd have been Dragon's Day and I'd have put everything into the umbrella hat, where are they now? Well, the thing is with that, when it's raining, I sometimes wear a hat and that keeps the rain off my head.

and that keeps the rain off my head. Well, anyway, I... I don't think a... Shall we call it a steel gamp? I don't think a steel gamp is going to catch on. Are you familiar with the word gamp? No. It's a term for umbrella. It's one of my favourites. Another one is bomber chute.

Oh! Oh, God, do you remember the English character in Sergeant Nick Fury and His Howling Commandos? No. Well he used to talk about his gamp and his Bombershoot. Imagine if I turned up on Dragon's Den

and I'd never told you and you just suddenly saw me. It'd be the best thing ever. Would you love that? I'm going to do that. With like four blokes hauling in the umbrella. All oiled torsos. One of them accidentally drops it against himself and slices open his chest. It's not sharp.

Blood everywhere. Anyway, it's a work in progress. I won't be investing. I, um, I went... Are you out? I'm out. OK. I went to, um... You went to Legally Blonde, so you're already out.

But something else I went to um you went to legally blonde so you're already out but something else i went to this i went to they had a 20th anniversary dinner for have i got news for you and i got invited now i was a bit surprised i was invited to be honest because but you're quite good on that you've had good reviews when you've been on that i did but i don't i've only done it about, what, six, seven times in 20 years. That's quite a lot to be on the same programme. Anyway, I ended up on the captain's table. So there's like the boss of the production company, as Mark Thompson, the director general of the BBC, some other major, and me.

I felt like a competition winner. So I was there, and they were going to do speeches, everyone. Paul Merton was going to do a speech, and the producer was going to do a speech, Ian Hislop. And it was a fabulous tension in the air, because obviously when you get comedians doing speeches like that, everyone in their head can see a sort of neon-lit league table of best speech of the night. It's never mentioned, but there's a terrible... I was so glad I

wasn't doing one. So I'm not going to say who won, but it was... Paul Merton. No, I'm not going to say that. But anyway, we got... Everyone who's been a host on the show got a special present. I've got mine with me. And I know visual stuff doesn't... What is it? I'm getting it out of my Undertaker's black bag. I know you'll love this.

OK, and there it is. It says, have I got news for you. First broadcast, 28th September 1990 with... Oh, it's got all the names on it. From Des Lynham to Defty. It's a souvenir tea towel. And they've even got Sanjeev Bhaskar on there. That's sweet.

But how good is that, a souvenir tea towel? How good is it? You know, Princess Diana was on. A tea towel? Yeah. Can I be honest? I think that's a bit tight. What? I think it's a bit broken Britain, that tea towel.

Oh, come on. I'm sorry, Frank. You go to a big anniversary dinner like that, I want more than a tea towel. No, I thought... I'm not saying Tiffany key rings. Basically, it suggests washed up. What, a tea towel? I haven't thought of that.

Isn't it more dried up? Yeah, dried up. No, it's not, because Sanji Faskel's on there. It's ironic that I'm both dried up and washed up when you think about it. Both those things have happened to me. No, I thought I was pleased with it. I was saying, you know, the Queen of Hearts used to be on tea towels. Oh, that's true.

Yeah. That sounded rude. I don't know why it did. So what else happened on the night? Duchess of Cornwall, not on many tea towels. No. I think she'd been on a couple of jaycloths as an experiment. So that, and I ended the night,

there was me and Joe Brand and a guy called Dave Cohen, and we sat around playing a game called Whose Line Is It Anyway? Which is not what you think it is. It's you have to say a joke, and you have to say which comedian used to do that joke on the London comedy circuit in the late 1980s. Very good. It's a very enjoyable thing.

We sat there, oh, I could have spent the whole night doing it. But I was pleased to be invited. But like I say, it wasn't really, it wasn't to do with me. And then also someone said to me, I said, oh, I read your thing about blah, blah. It's very good. They said, oh, you'll like my next one. It's very you. It's about pathos.

Oh. And I thought, does he think I was in the three musketeers? No, but what did he mean by that? Well... Do I deal in pathos? No, maybe he just meant you were sensitive. That sounds like some Greek drug seller. Maybe he just meant you were kind of quite sensitive and empathetic.

I'll take that. Okay, next. Yes, I'll take that as my interpretation. I really like Have I Got News For You, but Laura absolutely hates it. Does she? Like it's her worst programme. Why?

I think she can't stand the sight of Ian Hislop. Oh, my God. I don't think she likes the look of him. But you can't, you don't judge people by... She doesn't find him funny. She doesn't find him funny. I don't think so. I don't know.

She can't please everyone. I don't think she likes the whole programme. Maybe it's a boys' programme. He's such a lovely man. I i don't know maybe it's a boy's program he's such a lovely man maybe it's a boy's program oh 1973 uh i sometimes watch programs that men watch as well i've been known to i don't always watch my lady soaps every day come around yours the soaps are on em that's what you say I don't know, I'm surprised I've never met anyone who doesn't like it you've met Laura well I didn't know, she didn't bring it up early on

and it's just based on his loppy I don't know, there may be other factors but no, she particularly doesn't doesn't like him I'm glad we've cleared that up she thinks he's snidey she's a bit negative about things

she thinks he's tinchy snidey he's quite tinchy actually that's what she should call him if she's telling us he's quite tinchy snidey from now on not that she can be really relevant she doesn't watch it do you watch it?

yeah I really like it well that must be a bit how does that go down the evening it's ok I watch it. Do you watch it? Yeah, I really like it. Well, that must be a bit... It's okay, I watch it and she... She does the chicken wings. I was going to say, it's hardly the Apprentice Night in with the wings. No, it's not. I'm sorry, we've split the camp

somewhat, which is something else I did illegally. That's the last time I drink Pimms. After you'd cracked open the Versace exactly, that again wasn't deliberate I didn't know it was so tenuous and the saddest story

of the week, I don't want to end on a sad note but when I was in South Africa with Emma, our producer who's here at my side now, at my very side and David Biddle. We spent some time passing the Wild at Heart set in the... I say set, it was an area of grassland.

We saw quite a lot, and the driver we had, he, what was he? Ernest, Ernest, yeah. Oh, great name. Ernest would say say you know um i nearly did the accent he'd say we we used to work dead yeah right i did the accent not well but i did it to hell with it uh and uh they have a giraffe it's a regular i don't know if it's a character on there i think he's he's more um on there. I think he's more background stuff. But this week, he was struck by lightning. Oh.

Now, I'd never... But apparently, it's an occupational hazard for giraffes. Yeah, I can imagine. Because usually, you don't go anywhere high. The tallest of the animals. Yeah, tallest of the animals. And Stephen Merchant. It might affect him as well.

Yeah, well, I don't know if he's ever guessed it on you, but that would be, yeah. Yeah, giraffes would be sheltering under him. But I thought, well, that's a terrible, I mean, you know, apparently the cast were very upset about it. But I thought a giraffe struck by lightning. Tragic, but worth seeing. Wow, that's true.

Because I imagine it would be like, remember when Tom and Jerry, when Tom in Tom, was it Tom, which was the cat? Tom. When Tom got electrocuted and the whole skeleton would show through. That's what I imagine. And they have the zigzags all around. You'd get that flash,

yeah, and then you could see the whole giraffe skeleton. I'm thinking, you know the modules? You know the skull modules? I think they'd start shining at the end like headlamps. Surely they should fit them with some sort of rod. A lightning rod

up the side of the giraffe with some sort of insulation to draw the strikes. I've often said that about giraffes. They need earth. They need to be earthed. Well, with your steel umbrella, maybe you could put a steel umbrella on top of a giraffe.

That would make it work. They could probably get satellite TV with that. They need to be... If you're going to earth one, you need a leg caliper. A leg caliper with a drag-in section that touches the floor would have been all right. But, of course, they're expendable, so I don't suppose they get that.

Never mind that, Frank. Where was Stephen Tomkinson when all this was going on? In make-up? I think he was hosting Opinionated, some terrible mix-up. Oh, yeah, because he's your looky-likey. He is my looky-likey. So they say, to me, he looks like a pale drawn character but maybe

I do to other people to me I look like Sir Trevor Macdonald is that right? can I say I had a terrible moment at the football match very recently I was sitting next to this chap I've spoken to him before but I don't know who he is I don't know his name or anything

and we were watching the game and we were talking about next to this chap, I've spoken to him before but I don't know who he is, I don't know his name or anything and we were watching the game and we were talking about one of our blokes who play wide, you know wingers as they used to call them, one of them was limping a bit and I said, the trouble is we've got no

wide players on the bench and he went, ha, a bit nervously and I thought, wasn't such a and then I realised, I thought he thinks I've said white players on the bench? And he went, huh, a bit nervously. And I thought, it wasn't such a, and then I realised, I thought, he thinks I've said white players. He thinks I've said, the trouble is,

we've got no white players on the bench. And I thought, and he's not going to, he's not going to think I'm just, that's just a casual observation. He's going to, he's going to obviously associate that with all sorts of terrible things about me.

But I thought, I can't say it. By the way, I said wide. I don't think I said wide. Because obviously that then looks like you did say it. And you think, oh, he's not a brother in arms. I better... So what did you do? You left it hanging there.

I left it. So he's gone away thinking I'm some sort of racist. Oh, you shouldn't have left it hanging. No, what i would have then done yeah this is the difference between you and i i would have constructed an anecdote involving the word white which i would have pronounced very differently then he would have realized do you see oh you see i started talking quite a lot about my comic relief work. And I thought that would balance it. But yeah, it's gone away, thinking I'm a racist.

Well, I don't know, I'll have to try something out. What can I do? Perhaps if I turned up in the full African gown and the ethnic hat. Would that help? I'm not sure that will help. Is that a mistake? Maybe in the West Brom collars. No? Well, I sure that will help. Is that a mistake? Maybe in the West Brom collars. No?

Well, I'll think of something. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.