The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 18 Nov

Episode Date: May 18, 2011

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello. It's, um, Not The Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner,

Gareth Richards, Emily Dean. Why do you sound so surprised? Well, I don't know. I just didn't think it was going to happen this week. But here we are again and how lovely. I thought Gareth wouldn't want to do it anymore. What do you mean? He's got very arrogant after that appearance.

You know, he was on telly. He was on Russell Howard, wasn't he? Oh, yeah, I think we know. Yeah, and there's been lots. I fully expected a resignation this week. Quick while you're ahead. Yeah, I thought, oh, yeah, radio. Sorry, I've moved on.

He actually said to me, Frank, I'm starting to enjoy the cloak of celebrity. It's kicking in that was because we had sorry i just need to defend myself that was because we had a very gushy email about some woman saying my smile made her knees go wobbly she said he was hunky has never happened before maybe over in the street was to do with that i'm thinking maybe it was your smile that tore my cartilage. That could have been it. I felt something go.

Well, I've had what I can only describe as a comedy workshop this week. Someone giving you a comedy workshop? Yeah. Who could it have been? It must have been... I can't think of anyone. No, I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave.

Charlie Chaplin from Beyond the Grave? Charlie Chaplin from... Yeah, me and Derek O'Core are better at bar. Unfortunately, Charlie Chaplin, of course, was silent. Me and Charlie get on very well. We both smoke silk. Oh, Charlie's sane. He really likes that stuff you do about a houseman. And, hey, no alarm.

No. We'll have to check that with the technician. So, I found our Keith keith oh i love an r keith story see our keith it was his birthday uh last week may the 8th and i found him up it began with about a five minute harangue about the fact that i never call him and i said you know the thing is keith i call you on your birthday you You know, it's annual. There's a limit to how often I can call with a birthday context. And he said, why don't you just call me?

He said, my mates are always saying, does your brother ever call you? My brothers are a bit like this. Are you old since you've been on Russell Howard? No, no, just like they expect me to get in touch with them. Yeah, but to be fair, your brother's so good-looking, no disrespect to our Keith. No. But he's not as good-looking as Garrett's brother,

let's put it that way. No, no one is. And he doesn't have to call anyone their brother. I don't know, I've never seen Garrett's brother, but I'm pretty confident our Keith won't be as good-looking as him. Oh. Yeah. Well, anyway, so we got chatting, and he said to me, I've been watching you on the telly quite a bit, you know, I said, oh, that's nice. He said, I've noticed you've missed one or two gags.

Did he? I said, how do you mean? He said, oh, just a couple. I thought, oh, no, he should have said, I said, oh, well, thanks for that. He said, no, I'll give you some examples. And off he went. Oh, there was no stopping him. Now, the first one was, well, it was a joke about a woman called Cherry when I hosted Never Mind the Buzzcocks. But we'll let that one pass. I wasn't happy with it. But he did come up to my chagrin. He came up with a couple of crackers.

Did he? Well, they were good, you know. He was on about the fact that I was on the one show, I'd forgotten about this, and there was a fish called Benson, this sort of famous fish that lived in this pond, and someone fed it nuts and it died. And I said on the show, well, we could always eat it,

you know, you could have a sort of fish and chips thing, you could call it Benson and Wedges. That was the joke. And he said to me, you could have it you know a sort of fish and chips thing you could call it benson and wedges that was the joke that's good and he said to me you should have said oh benson and wedges and then in brackets um contains knots which it had it had that that was that was good and then oh he's done a lot of work on that one yeah and he remembered them all he rattled off a few the other one that sticks in my mind sar Sarah Millican on Frank Skinner's Opinionated, and she said she saw a woman being dumped on an escalator. A boyfriend disappeared off, which isn't easy on an escalator. You just go up two steps.

And she said, you know, I had to give her a big hug, and she's probably crying into her trifle now. And I said, that's it with you so you also have to bring everything back to pudding not a joke because it's an amusing remark and my brother said well it would have been apt if she was crying into a trifle because she had been deserted oh very good there's no stopping him there's no stopping i'm thinking i might start doing a bit of sheet metal work, get my own back. So what about that?

I really did feel like I'd sat at the master's feet. But this is what happens in hindsight, isn't it? I've never been there. Really? No, in hindsight, it's always brothers telling you how you could do things better. Right. Surely your brothers didn't phone up after your Russell Howard appearance

and say, if I was you, I would have... Well, my dad's big comedy advice was that I should... He thought I'd be good at writing for other people, which is a really backhanded compliment. Yes. Is it that, even? I think it's an insult, pure and simple.'s um a slap in the face he's saying he likes your material he doesn't like you yeah which from your own father he's tough just doesn't find me

did you ask him to elaborate um no that was just as you mentioned disneyland yeah don't bring that up and um but what being on um i was on Russell Howe's Good News. Oh, yeah. Being... Oh, God. It's becoming like me with Dare the Triffids. I know. At least I've moved on to SOS Titanic now.

You know my song Dave the Fridge? Who doesn't? Often, I know. Often people... That's this week's texting. Who doesn't know Gareth's song Dave the Fridge? I'm expecting quite a big response. Because it's all drawn out, kind of slightly tortured jokes

about someone being like a fridge, and people suggest all sorts of ones for them. I've had quite a lot of people commenting on YouTube saying, surely what you should have done at the end, rather than the fat joke, you should have made some sort of joke about her being cold like a fridge. I think our Keith's probably preparing a white paper on that

summer, as we speak. Do you think our Keith report? Do you think our Keith sits at home, I see him poised with a little sharpened pencil and a pad making notes every time you pop up. That's what he does, Frank. Yeah, I don't I think he probably watches it in the pub.

And I think it's probably a biro or not. You know, if you tear the outer surface of a beer mat, you can write on the underneath. That's what I'm guessing it's like. But they were good jokes. I did think maybe, you know, in different circumstances, he could have been the comic. And I could have been the angler.

It's a very fine line, isn't it it it is when you're angling anyway otherwise they'll see it in the water yeah there was that and um oh frank we had an email as well this week we had an email that award sent a bit of a ripple off hasn't it emailing and from Richard Tyra Subject is one that's close to your heart Frank It's Eggheads Frank, Emily and Gareth In case you don't know, new listeners, I am a big fan of Eggheads the quiz show, the best quiz show on television

arguably the best programme on television Wow Well, yeah, I'm not sure You could argue that, it's arguably Very strange argument um then he'll close our email account down if we disagree with him hi frank emily and gareth firstly congrats on the sony totally deserved do you know i'm so relieved he's mentioned it because i feel we can't anymore no well we did we had a podcast when we talked about it and i

said to you let's not go on and on the show last week we hardly talk about it at all yeah i know you're experiencing the comedown then when you do something like that don't patronize me i was acting bbc plays when i was seven years old oh steady and you weren't even allowed to go to disneyland i mean imagine how gareth felt after russell howard's good news i mean tell you once he's telling me I think it's repeated, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah, like you think so. Like you don't know when and the ratings.

Anyway, back to Richard Tyra and Eggheads. I love saying that. Should it be Richard Tyler? No, it's Tyra. OK. Why would it be Tyler? I don't know. It sounds wrong.

Let's not guess other people's names. Let's take their words for it, shall we? See what I mean? You'd never have said that the week before last. Yeah. So, Richard, have you got that right? Tyra. I think you'll find it's Tyler. Oh, sorry, it is Tyra. Sorry, everyone. Yeah.

You're going to get a note from Keith about it, I'm sure. Yeah. That was Steve, as you call him. Did I? No, but it's like correcting people's names. Come with me. Okay, back to Richard Tyra.

Having listened to Not The Weekend podcast, that's last week's obviously, I was over the moon to hear of Frank's love for Eggheads. I'm also a massive fan of the show and would like to put forward the idea of us applying to take on the eggheads. Emily's got fashion, showbiz and early 80s child TV coverage. I don't know that Richard's suddenly become part of the off.

Yeah, what's that? How on earth? Frank's got sports and the full knowledge and Gareth's... Hold on, I think you'll find I have a whole cornucopia of general knowledge. Sports and the full. Don't limit you to that. Gareth's train journey anecdotes are bound to come in handy at some point. I'm a bit of a pub...

Hold on a minute. Is that the full extent of Gareth's general knowledge? Yes, call the crowd. Leave it. Please give a four-minute anecdote about the train. Don't shout. I'm a bit of a pub quiz enthusiast, so I can pick up the general knowledge. Oh, so he's got to do all the general knowledge.

Yeah, he'll be there. That will just leave us one member short of the perfect team to crush CJ and the gang. Who's CJ and the gang? It sounds like the Goonies. That's the egghead thing. I like that. You know when people say he's one thingy short of a sensor?

What are those sayings? Oh, yeah. What are they? What one thingy short of a sensor? What are those sayings? Oh, yeah. What are they? One sandwich short of a picnic. Yeah, yeah. You could say he's one member short of an egghead's team. I like it. But that's still quite clever.

It will also give Frank an opportunity to meet his shouldn't but would. If you're up for it, please get in touch. Richard T. Yes. He'll be in touch Richard maybe I would be afraid to meet Judith Dimmond for that very shouldn't

I find there's always a danger when you meet your would but shouldn't that you might well that's the thing I had that with Vince Cable did you? how did it go? ok I once tried to steal a kiss from Martina Navratilova in similar I had that with Vince Cable. Did you? How did it go? OK.

I once tried to steal a kiss from Martina Navratilova in similar circumstances. I hadn't even noticed she was smoking a pipe. I mean, it was an awkward situation, to say the least. But, yeah, CJ, he's a member. I don't know what his orientation is. I'd say he's about 70 degrees longitude. But he's very camp anyway, deliberately camp. I mean, he camps it up.

And he does that fabulous eye-rolling thing. You know when camp people can look up into their own brain, their eyes go right up and it's just two white globes. Like Simon Cowell. Does he do that? Yeah. What are you saying? I'm just saying he does that.

Tom Cruise does it as well, I think. But he has to look up quite a lot, obviously. Yeah, yeah. He could be rolling his eyes or just standing next to somebody. Yeah, I think he's just acknowledging that he's listening to them. He's actually watching them through his own skull. Not easy. But he's...

So this is CJ. He's one of the gang. No one ever says, sorry, CJ, which, of course, is from the old Reginald Perrin thing. But he's a chess expert, wears floral shirts.

He's the main man. He's not the main man, actually. He's one of the weaker links. He should be on QI. Yes. Wears floral shirts. He should be. But it is a truly wonderful programme. Sounds like he should be on QI. Jess, where's for all shows? He should be. But it is a truly wonderful programme.

I'm going to start watching it now. I think they did have a celebrity version. I wasn't asked. Oh, fine. You will be now. Yeah, I think it was, I think Blue did it, Ensemble, with Russell Grant. It was a strange combination.

Darren Brown, just back from the Arcadia Adults Only Cruise. He showed up. Well, he didn't need to show up. He just emailed his answers in advance. That's what I love about Darren. I'm calling him Darren. Some say Darren the Falls, but no, it's Darren. calling him Darren. Some say Darren the Fools.

But no, it's Darren. So we started in the main show talking about My New Child this week. Let's not call it the main show. I feel like that's making this seem like some sort of addition. We'll call it

Not the Not the Weekend podcast. Right, okay. And there was some confusion about the scan, because you have the scan and they measure all the parts of the baby. Do they? Yeah. I mean, those of you who are new listeners, Gareth is the only married member of the team

and the only one with children. He has one child, Ethan, and now a second is on the way. Yes. So how... It's a Yes. So, how... It's a boy. Oh, you spotted that, did you? Well, I wasn't there. I couldn't go because I was doing the Russell Howard show.

Oh, stop talking. You missed a scan of your own child for TV. That's how it begins. I know, I know. It's one of those terrible symbolic... He's only even talking about the child so he can bring up that he did the Russell Howard show. I know, I know.

It's painful. I am... I'm not a big... I'm not sure about the whole scanning process. You're not sure about it? I mean, I know that medical people have to do certain checks and then that's all well and good, but I...

Doesn't it spoil the surprise a bit? See, you've already seen the baby loads by the time it comes out no but you've seen a weird eerie cross-section of the baby where you've seen it's like you can see its spine and um hold on i'll be all right in a minute oh it's coming down my nose oh god okay well and you can see its skull and its brain they look right through it so when it comes out and it's you can't see it's fine it's a relief yeah you look all the way through it you see like an x-ray yeah well yeah because it sort of does like a cross-section.

It's like a sort of a sonar-y type thing. I didn't realise that. They all look the same. You see, I think that urge to know before it comes out, which is a relatively modern thing. When I was born, my parents didn't have any idea what was going to come out. I think it's an urge that's come about just about the same time as glass panels on the front

of oven doors and I think people have got used to watching something cook, you know what I mean watching it and keeping an eye on it and they want to do the same thing with their own children that's true that's my view so I would say no, and I don't know about you

I had my shoulder scanned recently so I got a bit of a bad shoulder. I didn't just have it scanned to see what it was like. It wasn't just, you know, some general knowledge. I wasn't rehearsing for eggheads. I guess it was an anatomy section. And anyway, I had to... And he said, it's inflamed, he said, your shoulder.

That's what the doctor had told me. You know, inflamed. I had a kind of a poetic image of what they were, sort of Dante-esque. I imagined there'd be flames licking the joint. When I saw the dull, grainy image on the scanner, it made it seem commonplace. Dull, even. Quite a cheap injury, I'd go so far as to say.

Yeah, and see, I'd want to wait until the baby in glorious living colour, not these scratchy images. No, but it's quite, there was some confusion though, because on the phone, so Laura reported the findings to me on the phone. Whilst you were at the Russell Howard, which is making that absolutely clear in the green room. And she said, oh,

yeah, they said one of its legs was shorter than the other, but no, it's all fine. I was like, slow down a little bit there. Well, she'd handle that. We can always walk one foot on the pavement. I mean, you know, we'll be delighted. Or get a built-up shoe.

George Michael wears them. Does he? Well, I don't know, but he does. They look suspiciously high to me, if you don't mind me saying. Well, both of them. Yeah. Well, that's not a built-up shoe, is it? That's someone trying to look taller. No, that's not a built-up shear, is it? That's someone trying to look taller. No, it's not a bad thing,

but, well, is that... No, but what it turns out is that both his legs, they were the same size, but both his legs were a little bit shorter, didn't they? But they grow at different rates. With Ethan, a couple of things came... Is that right? Yeah, like, I think... So one leg will grow maybe all

the way, and then the other one comes out. Well, kind of... Oh, no, not the legs, but like the skull, in proportion Yeah, like I think... So one leg will grow maybe all the way, and then the other one comes out. Well, kind of... Oh, no, not the legs, but like compared to the skull, in proportion to like the skull. I thought it was imagining a fabulous race between the legs. See which one makes full extension first. That's great. Oh, OK, so...

Yeah, so I think it, like they've said it's fine, but he's in the fifth percentile, so he's a little bit smaller than he... What, you've enlisted him already? Was he in the fifth percentile with Tom Cruise? I think I've seen that film. Oh, no, it wasn't. I know it was Bruce Willis, wasn't it?

And Mila Jovovich. That was the fifth percentile. Element. No, he's... But that just means he's a little bit on the small side. But Laura's mum thought fifth percentile. No, he's... But that just means he's a little bit on the small side. But Laura's mum thought fifth percentile. She thought... She put a brave face on it,

but she went away from the phone call thinking he was 5% of the size he should be. Oh, no. Like 1... 5%? Oh, no. 1 20th. That would be really small.

You don't know what 5% means. Don't do maths on me. That's getting into he-ping-ping territory. Well, it's like a borrower. The late he-ping-ping. When I got scanned recently, I had a company in music, as I mentioned on the previous show. So did you get any music when you watched a baby scan?

No, no music. I'd have thought the Okie-Kokie might have been out. As the legs come out in exact time with the music. I'd like to see the whole evolutionary process on there. That's what you should see become a chimpanzee at some point and then move on. It started out as a small legless fish. Maybe there could be a point in the chimpanzee life on the scanner when he's taken the intestine and formed them into what looks very much like a tyre

suspended from a rope to bring to swing on. That's what I want to see on a scanner, friend not what sex it is who cares nowadays it's a let's face it's a toss of a coin so frank i know i'm not really allowed to talk about the sonys anymore well go on i'll give you one last go okay one last one because i love it it might is the best thing that's ever happened to me maybe in the those those of you who don't know, we won Best Entertainment Show. Yeah, we did. Let's not go on about it. No, we won't go on about that.

But what I will go on about is the fact that I've received a lot of compliments and congratulations over the last week or so since we won. How vain and egotistic. What did they say about me? Did they mention me? They did, actually. Oh, OK. But I've really enjoyed that.

It's nice. Now, of course, I'm going to think they said bad things about me. Yes, that's what I inferred. Go on. They didn't say bad things about you. OK. I've just said it was compliments and congratulations. OK, lovely.

That's nice. It was all nice things. But I've got rather used to this I mean I'm expecting this now I get very disappointed if I get an email And someone doesn't mention it I think it's quite miserly of them I think they're jealous

And I think they're quite jealous of me They hate you now I say now They hate you now in brackets Would you like it to be made part of your title So like Emily Sony award winning Dean Well you could have letters at the end No, in brackets. Would you like it to be made part of your title? So, like, Emily, Sony Award-winning Dean? Yeah. Well, you could have letters at the end.

If people get a degree and it's there forever, why not do it with an award? I think we should. I'm going to. I thought about that. But it has made me think, getting all these compliments, I thought, oh, I have quite a curious way of receiving compliments. It's been...

I've heard that. Really? Oh, you're good. You're very good. Frank, it's been pointed out to me by others. And particularly, last week, I had my hair blow-dried. It looked lovely. It looked fabulous.

I've had it washed since then. It looked fabulous, though. Does that affect... Once you wash a blow-dry, that's blow-dry gone? I love it when you wash a blow dry is that that's blow dry gone i love it when you ask about beauty uh yes that's blow dry gone well i bought some ibuprofen yesterday in uh in super drug and i i saw there was a thing that said ask there was a little note saying ask if they've got a beauty card. Oh. And she didn't ask me. I took exception.

The man with the £7 haircut. Like a James Bond villain. I love that. The man with the £9 haircut. The £7 haircut is behind me. Oh, it's £9, £1 tip. Most of it's behind me. I had a mullet. Yeah.

Very good. He's got a terrible haircut, but it was quite cheap anyway yeah so people compliment you a lady complimented me she's actually a colleague a lady um i say that because she's pretty and i'm a bit jealous of her but a lady said to me oh your hair looks lovely well because i had had nothing to do with it quite honestly parts of it weren't even mine but that's another story i said oh yeah i know it looks great doesn't it yeah well she she looked slightly astounded askance she said oh i i've never really heard anyone say that i'm not sure you can say that i said well i just have i like that you said it's like you were able to stand back from your own

hair exactly and admire it i am often able to stand back from your own hair. Exactly. And admire it. I am often able to do that. Me and Cheryl Cole often do that these days. But she... She said you were not allowed to do it. Did she get out like a rule book? No, she didn't get aggressive.

But she did... I think she was pointing out that the acceptable thing to do is to say, oh, don't be silly. Oh, not don't be silly, but to say, you know... Or thank you. Yeah. In fact, though, you were being honest, weren't you? Because a lot of women, they'd deny the whole blow-dry

and they'd take full credit, but you were admiring the craftsman behind it. Women always deny the blow-dry. I won't. Oh, God, I wonder where that was going. Oh, let me just get my breath back. You're a bit like Derren Brown, because usually... Oh, God. How dare you?

Once you take off the hair pieces you made no what i mean is that a normal a normal magician doesn't go on ad on entertainment cruises no and he does have a blow dryer because the face won't fit no what i'm saying is that a normal magician a normal magician um, hides the workings and doesn't tell you that it's a trick and just says, no, it is magic. Exactly, like the Great Surprender.

You're like Derren Brown, you do incredible things, but you're aware that it's just tricks. You do incredible things, you go to a hair stylist. No, it's good, I think it's good that you're up front now. Well, I went, I was at the comedy club this weekend, just gone, and I saw a very funny trio. Oh. And I won't name them because I'm about to relate a conversation.

And I went up to one of the guys. I said, I have to say, I thought you were, you know, brilliant. And brilliant and we talked about i said i think honestly i think you're going to be massive and you know i was really really impressed etc etc and he said oh thanks very much and i think he felt he had to um say something nice to me and he said well well you know well done for you to you for sticking at it all these years. Giving my career a sort of Robert the Bruce element. If at first you don't, oh dear.

I mean, he was trying to, I'm sure he was trying to be nice. He's very tenacious, that Frank Skinner. Thanks for just still being here now. Are you still here? Did he tell you you'd lived a thousand lives? No, he didn't but I, um, it reminded me back in 2008 when

i said to my manager i said well if i'm the only way i'm ever going to win another award is to switch to radio and um and it worked really well yeah if the sound is underworked i was gonna have to try for pride of britain that was my only hope thank God it didn't come to that. It's difficult, though. You must get a lot of compliments, Gareth. Ha. Ha. Yeah, I do.

But I do know what Emily means, because, like, so, for instance, if I've had a good gig sometimes, someone will say, oh, that was really good, and I go, yeah. You've got a good memory. Oh. We've got to take him down a peg. I know it's unbearable inflated ego no i've had a lot of compliments so how do you deal with it um i go you go um that was good one i go yeah yeah that was a good one when i think you're supposed to say thank you but or or try and think up something to say about them but no it's like because i'm aware that it doesn't always go well,

and it depends on the audience and the positioning of the stars, like, you know, I'm grateful. I'm also impressed at how well it went. Well, I remember standing with David Baddiel after the live edition of Fantasy Football, and two guys came up to us, and this guy said, that was brilliant, I didn't like the first half so much but the second half was brilliant.

And see, when he first said it was brilliant, my smile began and then when he didn't like the first half, I felt it convert into a snarl. And I said to him, why do you think I care about your opinion? Oh, I'm so glad I wasn't. That sounds awful. David. This sounds awful.

David looked very anxious. And and he said what do you mean i said why why do i care about what now of course i did care when he said it was brilliant but not like in the first half i decided he was some sort of fool so if you're gonna give a compliment give it all the way don't i don't want any footnotes no no caveats. No. Definitely. Was that a caveat? Was that a caveat? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

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