The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 19 Oct

Episode Date: October 19, 2010

Frank and Emily share their aggressive cyclist experiences and Gareth reveals his weekly apprentice ritual.

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Hello, this is Not The Weekend podcast for Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner and Emily and Gareth. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. I feel we need to give them more than that. But that's heralded what's to come, which I think is important. What are we going to do, by the way, about our Christmas do? What do you mean?

We're not on on Christmas, are we? No. Are we not? And I felt, you know, I seem to remember last time we went slightly festive. Did we? Didn't we? What did we do? There was a tree, wasn't there?

Yeah, there was a tree in the studio. Oh, that tired part. I remember you was a tree in the studio oh that tired part I remember you going tree in the studio and I said it's alright it was put there before that tired old piece

of nylon yeah yeah sorry I didn't think you could see it um no it's even the queen

it's cancelled cancelled I'm not happy about that were you invited? We need to make some cutbacks. Cancel the servants party! That's not nice.

Is that what she... Because she cancelled the... Sell one of your crowns. Do that before you cancel the servants party. Who's going to buy that? Yeah. Except for me. Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga. Yeah. She'd buy it. So when it said the Queen's cancelled the Christmas party, it's not her Christmas party. No, it's the one they throw for the servants. Do you know why I like that? Yeah, the servants have got those. Do you know why I like it?

Because that's a very middle class, like a parent would get to the end of their tether. My mother would always say that. Christmas is cancelled! Okay, guys? When she'd get angry. Is it the Queen did that? Yeah. And Margaret Thatcher cancelled that. Yeah, she didn't turn up to the party. She's not going to her own birthday party.

Honey, she's not going to anything at the moment. She's all over the shop. Oh, no. These things come in threes, though. Don't they? What's next? I think Anne Widdicombe will probably not make the strict leave. Cancel Halloween.

Well, that's two very old ladies missing out on quite big parties. We'll see what happens. You know, you heard it here first. I'd keep an eye out for that. And now that's two very old ladies missing out on quite big parties. We'll see what happens. You know, you heard it here first. I'd keep an eye out for that. And now there's a third very old lady missing out on a big party. Is that what you're suggesting, Frank, by these things happening three?

No, no, I wasn't. Oh, my God. Believe it. Oh. So, um... Did you try and press something? I pressed the jingle, but... Oh, no, I think it's too late now.

Too late. I don't feel we're getting the technical support. I don't know what you think. Anyway, um... Cancel the servants party! Exactly. Oh, that's already cancelled. I think we've established it.

So, um... I was... As you know, on the show on Saturday, I was telling you I went away for a yoga weekend. And something else I did on the yoga weekend. Still talking about the yoga weekend? Okay. Something else I did was something I hadn't done for ages.

I played a board game. Oh. What game did you play? Pandemic. That's not a board game. That's more of an infection. No, it's a... Oh, a board game of...

It's a map of the world, right? And there are outbreaks of this disease, which is basically wiping out the world's population. Right. And then you all play. You don't play against each other. You play against disease. The disease.

Oh, gather round the fireside, children. Bring your friends. And some hot chocolate with marshmallows in it. What a lovely Christmas game. That's it. It wasn't Christmas. No, but what a lovely game. Does the disease come in a little vial that comes in the box

and you have to let it out and then together? It comes in cubes. Different coloured cubes, the disease. Not unlike... I think they might have got the word disease mixed up with the word pineapple. But anyway, so what you do is you turn the wrong card over and suddenly someone says, oh, there's an outbreak in Bogota. Then you have to try and get there as fast as you can.

And the guy, Paul... You love Qatar. You get Qatar in Bogota. It's because it rhymes. You're off. You're off. You're way ahead of me. That's what the smell is. I feel I pursue my horse to market. So, thanks. We played this game and Paul, he's a board game enthusiast.

I mean, big time. To the point where the cards that we had, you get cards with little instructions, were in individual plastic covers. Wow. That's a bit weird. Yeah. Well, first of all, I thought,

is this something to do with the pandemic? Is he taking the whole, do we need an antiseptic hand wash? But no, they were in little plastic covers just to keep them nice. You know, with me being a Catholic, it felt wrong. Also, in keeping with the theme of the game,

not to spread disease. Yeah, I agree. also in keeping with the theme of the game not to spread disease yeah i agree so um i just wondered i i don't know about you guys i haven't played that kind of a game and i'm did you like it it gave me a taste did you did you win frank because you're quite competitive i'm afraid that the population of the earth was wiped out oh that's a shame it was it you know, it was our first game. But you loved it. Rome wasn't built in a day. Well, you know, if you're going to make an omelette. He doesn't like losing games. No.

They don't get me started on Trivial Pursuit. Anyway. So I'm thinking now, and I might do a bit of a listener's poll on this. A listener's poll, which is a bit like a gangster's mole. A listener's poll of what would be a good board game for me to start off with. Because I don't know, not Bonopoly or Cluedo. Did you say Bonopoly?

Did I say Bonopoly? Yeah, you did. Bonoffy Pie. Bonoffly. Yeah, you buy it with toffee instead of money. Oh, I like the top hat. What about Cluedo? Oh, I love a bit of Cluedo. I've never got Cluedo? Do you like the top hat? Oh, I love a bit of Cluedo. I've never got Cluedo.

Really? Is it skilful? Well, no, but I always win, and that's what worries me. It's the only game I'm good at. There's a certain element of deduction involved. I used to have a game called The Little Big Horn. What? Don't need to keep that to yourself.

And it was, you know, General Costa fought, the same cavalry fought. Oh, I know General Costa. So you had a fabulous little model of Costa in the fringe leather coat and then all these cavalrymen and then these, what we used to call Red Indians. I'll have to look up what they call them now. But you know the ones, I mean, war pants. Native Americans.

Native Americans, yeah. And they're surrounding them because, as you may know, in the real battle, the 7th Cavalry were slaughtered and completely outnumbered. Anyway, the list of how to play it was like a novel. It was... And in the end, I just played it like drafts. So a Red Indian, I'm calling it a Red... A Native American would come along,

and then he'd just take one of the... And what happened is, you see, in the real war, obviously the cavalry kept quite close together, but when you play it like drafts, it's like they'd been chased across the prairie. You know, Costa, because I wanted to keep him because of the coat, he was well ahead on his... And I felt...

I think that's wrong to play with the wrong rules. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what I liked. Do you remember Frustration? Oh, I love Frustration. With the Pop-O-Matic dice shaker. I absolutely loved that Pop-O-Matic dice shaker. The Pop-O-Matic dice shaker.

The game itself was... I remember when that came out. Very satisfying. It came out. My brother said, he said, that'll be it now. That'll be it. He said, for dice shaking. He said, you'll never. I bet that was our Keith that said that. Yeah, he said, that'll be it now. That'll be it? He said, for dice shaking. He said, you'll never.

He said, that'll... I bet that was our Keith that said that. Yeah, he did. He said, we'll look back on the days we used to shake a dice in our hand or in a small plastic pot and think, God, can you believe? He said it'll be like the automatic gearbox. He said, you know, we'll say, remember when we used to do this manually? He was wrong.

Oh, how wrong he was. In fact, what we do now is we look back on the problematic dice shaker and say, what was the point of that? It was like Betamax. Very hard to predict trends like that. What about Pictionary? I played that once with Michael Hutchence, but that's another story. Did you really?

Yeah, I did. He's very good, actually. He's very good at pictionary. Yes. That silences you all. What is? I'm at that moment where I can feel at the edge of my throat there's a hangman joke absolutely battling to get out.

Oh, my God, I hadn't even thought of that. That's terrible. I haven't. I don't. I think that qualifies as not doing it. No. Sorry, Gareth. I was going to say, ironically,

my brother used to get very frustrated by frustration. Because you know how if you landed on someone else's piece, they went back to the start. He wasn't a good loser. Any game where you go back to the start, I don't like that, Gareth. No. But then that is most games, unfortunately.

Did you have someone in your family who you couldn't really play games with? Yeah, it was me. Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, my auntie Lou. Actually, she was dead. I've just remembered why. We couldn't play games. Oh, God. You just get to

lose, go, and then... Do you know what, Frank? I've never got into chess. I'm not bright enough. I won't lie. I'm not bright enough. No, Frank, I know my limitations. Do you? Yes.

Don't sound shocked. Since when? Gareth's glasses have actually steamed up with shock. I know my limitations. I think that's because there's a hint of the lacy trim of your bra. I didn't want to say anything. It's because I was drinking my tea. And you know when you blow your tea up onto your glasses

and they steam up? When you blow your tea up onto your glasses? So I think it requires a lot of left brain activity. Do you know what I mean? Those maths geniuses. That's why the Russians are so good at it. Yeah. And I just don't think I've got that at all.

I'm creative, is what I am. You're arts and crafts. I'm arts and crafts. Well, we all are. Now, I... Lots of sitting down and not much talking chess. I think you can talk your way around it. You've probably just been watching the tournaments

where there isn't a lot of casual chit-chat. But if you play... I once saw some men playing in Central Park, men in their 50s. They had a nice cup of coffee, sitting playing chess outdoors. It looked lovely. You may remember it was my New Year's resolution

to learn to play chess. Do you remember that? Oh, no, I'm sorry. I forgot. I've got about a couple of months before I start. Have you not started even? No, I haven't started yet.

I know. I was always a crammer. I was always a crammer at school. Leave it to the night before. Well, next week's show, we'll bring in a chess set and we can teach you on air. Oh, that'd be great.

That'd be fabulous, wouldn't it? You can get one of the Casper off. And I'll sing, Looking bad, I could have played it. It's from chess. Oh, I love that song. Can you play chess? I can play chess, yeah.

Yes, he's very chess, Frank. He is. I was in chess club. If you don't mind me saying, you're very chess. I was in chess club at school. You weren't. That's why I actually found out I'm not clever enough to play chess, because I wasn't very good and I didn't get...

There was a league table and I didn't get very far. I think I got up to number five once and the teacher was, like, really impressed. Chess club? Wouldn't they just call it I Can't Make Friends Club? Um, yeah. Is it a bit like Fight Club? They didn't like me in chess club. No one...

It's a bit of a secret thing and it's men with no shirts. So it's a bit like that. You don't talk about chess club, but that's because of your social awkwardness, not because you're really sticking to that rule. Yeah. Tell me, did you get your social awkwardness there or did you take it with you?

I took it with me. Okay. You were actually a lecturer on it. Anyway, what you say about not having the right side of the brain thing, apparently the three things that you get prodigies at I don't know if you knew this are chess, maths and music

that's right and they're all essentially maths they're very connected as well aren't they they're all maths aren't they really you don't get prodigies who do fabulous paintings you don't get a nine year old kid who's done a kind of a Mona Lisa job you don't really I like that we-old kid who's done a kind of a Mona Lisa job. Well, you do, really. I like that we've gone quite art show.

I love it. It's all gone a bit Mariella on Sky Arts. You tell them, was that one kid who did those paintings? And even they were a bit... No, but someone like Picasso started when he was really young. He was like a kid when he started painting. Yeah, but he was rubbish. No, he wasn't.

He was good. I'm going to show you. No, he wasn't. He was rubbish. Well, we'll check that out. You don't wasn't. He was rubbish. Check that out. You don't get any great 10-year-old novelists. No. You do get them who write it.

You do get them who write it. I'm writing a fantasy book about dragons. It's very long and complicated. And everyone goes, oh, he's ever so good. But it's not really. Someone you met at the chess club. That's what I'm guessing. Speaking of Paul McCartney,

did you see that thing that he was crossing the road in London last week and he was nearly hit by a cyclist? That's an album cover you're getting confused with. Oh, yeah. You'd think I'd have crossed it. Some years ago It'd have been safe He was barefoot as well, they could have gone right over his toes

Don't get me started on those rumours You don't want him hopping, you know, because Well, Heather's going to think he's just taking the mickey Exactly No, so he went, this cyclist nearly hit a bunch of people Who were crossing the road, one of whom was Paul McCartney I like the idea that Paul McCartney is a sort of pedestrian we must race sometime and anyway and this bloke um sort of i think he twittered or spoke to the press about this event and he said um paul mccartney

said started dancing like an elf like an elf he said and then singing in a high-pitched voice, ooh, we're so scared, we're so scared, at the cyclist. Did he? It's a complicated tale, this. Because, first of all, how did he do that at the cyclist if the cyclist had sped past? We can all do it at the cyclist if they're three streets away. Yeah. Well, exactly.

But also, I think this bloke, he's got to rethink his use of simile. Because you usually use a simile to simplify things. Dancing like an elf. I don't know about you, I don't have an immediate image of how an elf dances. For all I know, an elf could be, well, he could be a fan of robotics. Right? Maybe the locomotion. How does an elf could be well he could be a fan of robotics right maybe how does an elf dance well exactly have you ever seen an elf dance

famous for dancing elves even you know animated elves the only elf I think of is Will Ferrell and then I don't think he danced in that film no the elves and the shoemaker the elves and the shoemaker Elves and the Shoemaker, there wasn't any dancing in that story.

The Elves and the Shoemaker? The Elves and the Shoemaker, where the shoemaker was running out of leather and he left something. Can I just say, what, was Paul McCartney, was Paul McCartney crossed, do you think, because the man nearly ran them over or something? Yeah, because apparently this woman went,

oh, dear, or something like that, because she was nearly struck and I can't say what the cyclist said but it was two words. Oh. Shouty cyclist. Oh so Paul McCartney was defending the honour of his fellow pedestrians. Good on him I say. And I think you know whereas

John Lennon and Yoko Ono I think you know marched to get the troops out of Ireland I think and they sat in a bag for peace. Paul McCartney dances like an elf. On any kind of road safety transport. That would be a great piece of graffiti, Paul McCartney dances like an elf.

How weird would that be? I'd love it if I saw that written on a wall. Anyway, so I have to say that something has happened to cyclists. I used to associate cyclists with the good side of human nature. They seemed, because to me, I'm testosterone intolerant. I don't like aggressive behaviour of any kind. And, you know, drivers do get very shouty and, you know. Whereas cyclists, they seem to represent that sort of gentle almost like they

represented the countryside they had a kind of a sweet soul about you mean now they've got very aggressive i was in a traffic jam there was a man actually um i heard this thought, she's not still in the boot. And then... You split up in 1996. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that boot thing was just to get her, you know, to somewhere where she wouldn't be able to get her bearings. I didn't... I remember letting her out. Anyway, there was a man with a beard on a bicycle

banging on the car window. My first thought was Rowan Williams. It wasn't him. I thought it was an anti-Catholic thing. I thought he's just... I thought I'll cycle around. If I see any Catholics, you know, I'll have a whole debate about transubstantiation.

He's got quite a beard on him as well. Doesn't really turn into blood. Yeah, he's got a very big beard. And ever at home in a sandal. Anyway. It's a forest of Arden on his chin. Yes. And so this bloke said,

you're poisoning my planet. Did he say that? I thought, it's actually God. Yeah, that's sort of the mistake you've made. He's the king of the planet. No, he's heard the radio show, Frank. Oh, yeah. Or maybe he saw my app.

Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, and then I thought, well, you know, and then he went off before I could get the window down and come up with a smart, elite remark. And then he stopped at the next car, did the same thing, and I watched him work his way down the whole traffic jam. Did he say the same to each car? Well, I mean, it looked like he was saying the same.

I mean, I can't imagine he got a different line for every i mean what's the point so they have they've uh they've challenged i got attacked by a cyclist once what happened well i i was driving natch and i'm not sure what happened i maybe cut him up or something i don't know oh but and suddenly it wasn't intentional no and it wasn't that dramatic suddenly i start my car shaking it felt like i was in a barrel or something i was being a barrel well yeah and this shaking shaking barrel at the fairground and the cyclist is rocking my car screaming at me yeah so you know what i did i did this weird thing i decided i wasn't going to look at him and i was going to ignore him so i just stared straight ahead and turned the music up well that made things worse maybe he wasn't a fan of boys zone but it made things

worse no he just got more angry because he's being ignored yeah why didn't i think of that i do that when they're trying to clean the windows um so eventually he got so he started bashing the window with his ring a big chunky gold ring he had horrible thing and then another man got out of his car and he went you leave her alone get away oh he was great i loved it was it pete bill it might well have been actually yeah but yeah so So he went away, the angry... He slunk off, he slunk off, and the nice man looked after me. But I agree with you, Frank. I think they're a liability. Well, I just don't know what's...

It's just a shame, because I used to see them as a symbol of peace, if you like. You see, I can't actually ride a bicycle. So, you know, it's no good me going past a bunch of pedestrians, giving them the finger, and I'm on stabilisersizers because you're undermined your masculinity is undermined but well i can only recall what i'm calling my quote of the week which is something this is a reader's comment from the sun i don't even remember what the story was but i like the reader's comment it said the uk is a sham simple as that so that's that's what I think so The Apprentice started

oh yeah now I love it I've still never seen it can I say that have you not no never oh it's ever so good yeah Garrison and I

love it don't we I have a whole Apprentice tradition for me and Laura we watch it together and I make special food. It's like Christmas. We've got special food.

We have every apprentice. We have chicken wings, buffalo chicken wings. When you say you make it, what, you call KFC? No, I buy fresh chicken wings and I oven, I put them in the oven probably about 220. I oven them, that worries me. I oven them. I think that's a good verb.

I oven them for 40 minutes. They should use that on the cookery. You have oven chips. You oven them. Yeah, I think oven chips, it's a noun. Yeah. It's part of the whole thing. It's not a verb. It's at best an adjective.

It's certainly not a verb. It's not a command. Oven chips today. So you get chicken. Do you pay for chicken wings? I don't steal them. I'd have thought they had stolen them. Steal them from a chicken.

They're sort of... Tear them off. They're packing, really, aren't they? Package and packing. Yeah, they're quite cheap. Oh, now we get to the heart of the matter. No, that's not why I do it. There's nothing on them.

The nice treat meal for Laura, because it's the old cheap-off cuts. It's not. It's because they're so tasty, because they're mostly skin. And the skin is the tastiest bit of chicken. That's an awful plane crash survivor from loss. It's quite a well-known tradition of people eating chicken wings. Yeah, no, I accept that. But not as they once the apprentice.

So what is the nature then? You cook chicken. Did you say buffalo? Buffalo chicken wings. Yeah, no, I accept that, but not as they watch The Apprentice. So what is the nature then? You cook chicken. Did you say buffalo? Buffalo chicken wings. You get a special sauce. Okay. You can make your own sauce with hot pepper sauce and marge or butter. And what I do is when you put the butter in, about 50-50 of each,

you fry some garlic in the butter to add a little bit of garliciness to it. A little bit of garliciness to it. And then you add the same pepper sauce and then you sort of toss it like a salad. Once the chicken wings are nice and crispy, probably about an hour I cook them for. So then you sit down. Sorry, you oven them

for an hour. I oven them for an hour. And then you sit. And is it just chicken wings? We also have, because with chicken wings it's very nice to have a dip. So we have a sour cream and chive dip. Is it exactly the same every apprentice?

Yes, every time. How long is the series? Usually have a beer. About 16 weeks, isn't it? Yeah. Usually towards the end I have a couple of heart attacks. Oh, really?

You have a beer as well? Yeah, some beer. Homer Simpson. We have a Homer Simpson bottle opener that goes, when you open it, it goes, oh, beer. Oh, and that's never stopped. Is that part of the tradition? Yeah, it's part of the tradition. And then we have carrot sticks and cucumber sticks and celery sticks to dip in, and it's nice and refreshing.

Yeah. That's where I built my career off. It's quite common. Wow, and it's every episode. What about that sort of spin-off show? Do you do it for that as well? I don't think we could be bothered with that. What's it called? Apprentice You're Fired? Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes we watch that. Did we watch that this week? Oh, we did. Jack White was on it. He was good. Apprentice You you're grilled. It's what you want. Well, that's... Ovened.

Me and Kath, when we watched... We used to watch reruns of Family Fortunes. Did you? What's that channel with all the quiz shows? Oh, Challenge. Yeah. The thing in the corner is a question mark. Oh, yeah, that's Challenge. I love that thing in the corner is a question mark. Oh yeah, that's Challenge.

I love that. Because sometimes you get really bad shows. There's a question mark in a kind of a why. Why did this happen? And what we used to do when we watched that, we always shouted Les every time they called him Les. Because they're obviously told, when you talk to Les, make sure you use the name.

So he'd say, now you're a bit of a you were a bit of a boy scout. He'd say, yes Les. And we'd go, Les! And he goes yeah, I joined in, well when I was about seven, Les. And Les! They really, they over Les the pudding. Oh, they do. And then we used to we used to compete, so whoever got

the most questions right, highest up the chart in each one, you know, name a famous fruit. And then whoever lost had to buy the other person a magazine. A magazine? That's a weird forfeit. It's quite good, I tell you, because when someone else...

Are you treating my profession as some kind of forfeit? I'll tell you what happens. When someone else is buying the magazine, you go a bit left field. Oh. You think, yeah, I'll have Clockmender. Clockmender Journal, why not? I've had all sorts of strange

things. Also, at University Challenge, we see how many questions we can get right in University Challenge, and it's usually one each. To be fair, that's not a tradition. That's just what you do when you watch it. It's what everyone does. That's why it's on. So that people at home

can see if they can get it. Really? I didn't know that. I have to say, when I watch the specialist round on University Challenge, which could be something like Ancient Greece, I never, I guess everyone. Do you? I always guess. So if they said, who won

the Battle of Remenos? Yeah. I'd say, Burgos. And then when they say, who killed Agamemnon? And I'd say,

Operindon. And I always think, eventually, I'm going to get one right. You'll get it. But it's, I don't like to not have a go. I know with Mastermind,

I just sit there shouting at the screen. I'm often right. I'm sometimes wrong. So, I tell you what tradition I used to have, which is not TV based, is that I used to have a goblin tea's made. Oh. And relax.

Yes, I sat down. And you know what a goblin tea's made is? Of course I do. I was a child in the 70s. Woke many a parent up. I don't know if I've ever, have I spoken about this before on the show? I think so. I don't know if I've ever... Have I spoken about this before on the show? I think so. I don't know.

I'm not your keeper. I think you might have mentioned the goblin tea to me. Yeah. And I used to get up... It makes a noise when it's about to boil. Hmm. And it goes... So I used to keep a guitar by the side of my bed.

And I used to play the opening chords to Hawkwind Silver Machine, which starts with a sound effect very similar. So I would wake up in the morning, and I'd hear... And I'd reach across, my eyes still shut, and play... I lived alone, by the way. And that became... I probably did that for a year and a half. Mm.

I have said... You're looking at me like I've said it before, but so what? No, I don't know. I don't think that's how we're looking at you. Oh, I thought you were looking at me. Oh. Oh. Do you want to know about my flat?

Yeah, of course Who wouldn't? Because you're moving Well, I don't know A man is coming to see it for the third time So It's the third inspection by the man

So I think if you come to see a place three times you're quite serious, aren't you? Don't you think? Unless he's leaving a lot of belongings. He's a forgetful chap. Or has stuff gone missing? Have you had any stuff go missing?

But what's worrying me now? So, you know, that means... Can I ask, when he comes back, he hasn't been for the third time, but when he came at the second time, did he bring someone else or was it just him? Well, I don't know. I don't like to get involved. Oh, you're not there.

I don't want to interact with the clients. I like to keep the transaction business like. Let someone else deal with that. I don't like to be around when it happens, the inspection. Because sometimes people bring other people to say, what do you think? What do you think, Doreen? I did that. I've done that before. Yeah.

Once I was... My dad took me round to look at someone's house and got back to my mum when I was quite little. And he said, I'm not taking him with me again to look at a house. My mum said, why? And apparently I'd got down on my hands and knees and said, there's a funny smell in here.

And I'd sniffed the carpet. Oh, God. Did he do that? This was how long ago? Quite a long time ago. Oh, OK. Just establish. 22 years.

Don't look at him like that. He was run over. Don't ever forget that. Paul McCartney told me. He said, oh, we're so scared. So you could end up selling it before you... In a couple of weeks because I've got nowhere to move into.

So, of course, what's happened is all my family... Frank looks slightly... Well, I was going to say, all my family and friends are saying, come and stay with us. People say that, but do they mean it? I mean, what I'm worried is I'm going to turn up with all my Louis Vuitton valises in a cab outside their house.

The Vodafone you have called is switched off. This is what could well be happening, guys. This is the reality, people. Turned off the lights, hiding Vodafone you have called is switched off. This is what could well be happening, guys. This is the reality, people. Turned off the lights, hiding that behind the sofa. Would you want to live with me? I wouldn't. You know, when the rent man came to our house, I went to the door and said, my mum and dad's not in, and he said, the next time your mum goes out,

tell her to take her feet with her. There she was standing, he could see her feet. Well, imagine my embarrassment. So, well... You can come and stay with us, but we have a very strict regime on Wednesdays. But you live in Bournemouth.

Yeah. I can't live in Bournemouth, just because it's too far away. So what I need is somewhere that's central, maybe with great views. BT Tower? Someone... Yeah, I'm just thinking maybe a couple living together that I get on with both of them. maybe with great views BT Tower? Someone yeah I'm just thinking maybe a couple living together

that I get on with both of them that would be ideal Frank. Okay. Yeah that sounds cool. This is a very modern situation. It is. Well I think this is

this week's phoning. Anyone can put up Emily. I do think I do have options. I think my best friend Jane is going to let me stay with her. I'm sure you have options. Tarzan doesn't get on with you though, does he? That's the problem. Where's Cheetah?

He's taking up smoking apparently, Cheetah. That's the time I saw him. He was doing Scooby-Doo impressions on the South Bank. He's versatile. I think he'll agree with that. If you didn't get that joke, I'm suggesting rewinding.

Pay more attention. What, three weeks ago? Yeah. Something like that. Oh, I don't know. What do you think we've got? Footnotes? You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

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