The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 19th Jan

Episode Date: January 19, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth reveal how they dressed as children and describe some of their favourite outfits.

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It's the Not The Weekend podcast with Frank Skinner through the auspices of... No, auspices of Absolute Radio. And I'm with Emily and Gareth in the basement. Hi, Frank. Yeah. It is very basement-like, doesn't it? Well, it's a basement, that's why.

That's because we're below the ground often giving a base mental effect i i always find it's um yeah i wonder if people i don't know if they even care where we uh where we are but we it's it's quite much smaller than you'd imagine it's a bunker we're very i mean we are very adjacent. It's almost, if you can imagine the three of us in a phone box with, like, a microphone coming down from the ceiling. I can smell Gareth's aftershave. It's like sharing a toilet seat, the three of us. It's not that bad.

Well, no, I can't agree with that analogy. It's not like sharing a toilet seat. A small Chinese restaurant table. My travel's back on there. Yeah. That's what it bad. Well, no, I can't agree with that analogy. It's not like sharing a toilet seat. A small Chinese restaurant table. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. Anyway, I'll tell you what I've been doing this week. We'll go straight into it.

I've been tidying. And I'll tell you something. I quite like it. Have you ever had a sort of tidying fever? I've heard women speak about this, but men, obviously, they don't like to own up. I quite like it. Have you ever had a sort of tidying fever? I've heard women speak about this, but men, obviously, they don't like to own up. But I found that even on my night in that I had last week,

I thought, well, I'll do a bit of tidying now, I'll do ten minutes. And what I've started doing is throwing out books. I thought, what shall I throw out? I thought I'd start out with obvious stuff that I'll never want again. It's gone very Nazi Germany for you. Yes. Well, funnily enough, I started with combat trousers.

Because I thought, I'll never wear these combat trousers again. And I don't really want to... You know when you see an older man in combat trousers? And often older men, they don't really want to... You know when you see an older man in combat trousers? And often older men, they don't realise that those big pockets on the side of combat trousers are not to be filled. You see them with, like, a load, a load of stuff in their combat trouser pockets.

I don't want to be that person. So they've all gone. My leads I've thrown out. What leads? You know, I used to have 12 dogs. No, I've got... Were you, like, doing an investigation? Yeah, exactly.

Trying to solve a murder. The whole thing collapsed, so I kept the leads for a while, but then I chucked them out. No, I... Is it just me, or do you not have loads of sort of electrical leads? Yes. Yes, I did throw away some leads. Yes.

I think it's quite a big thing when you throw away... A charger for something I don't own anymore. I threw away a charger. The night was absolutely outraged when he came back. He had to get a cab. Yeah, I had no idea what any of them belonged to. I hate a blue one. I don't like it.

I found a blue one the other day. A blue lead. A blue lead. What does that do? What's that for? A blue lead. It was awful. That went straight in the bin.

Yeah. I think every lead should have a picture on it of the thing that it's powering. Yeah. So if it's a lead from a laptop, it should have a little laptop symbol and you'd know where you were working. I mean, I find myself trying the electric kettle thing

into my palm pilot. Oh, I found the palm pilot. Palm pilot, I was going to say. That went straight out. Along with the Etch-A-Sketch. And then I did the ultimate throwing out thing, which i started throwing out books oh which is yeah exactly people go my girlfriend says i think there's something wrong about throwing out books i wasn't burning them you know what i mean it wasn't like nice hegemony it was um they go to the charity shop and then other people will

will read them so what was your criteria for throwing away a book? Well, basically coffee table books out. Oh, yeah. I see no purpose behind the coffee table books. What sort of architecture, interior design books? Big photos books with no writing. World of Dogs. World of Dogs.

That kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, that. And there's just some that, like, they're by famous photographers and they're just photos of people looking. Who wants that? And on the coffee table, they only work for me as a coffee table book. Sometimes I use them as a coffee table.

I'll have them on my lap with the plate on, you know, use them as a tray. But I think they're terrible things. Anyone listening knows, never buy me another coffee table or book and I'll throw it in your face corner first. So they've got... I found it exhilarating. The more stuff... I want to throw... I want to empty the whole house and just

zen it up. It's a great feeling. See, I'm a terrible old hoarder. And I know recently... Oh, God, I'm on the edge of my seat then. Be careful where you cut that for the trailer. But I had a clear out, Frank, recently. I felt very cleansed. And Gareth can't move on from terrible old orders.

But what went? Well, I found some extraordinary things. I mean, I like to think I'm quite clean. But, Gareth, stop it. But I found a extraordinary things. I mean, I like to think I'm quite clean. But, Gareth, stop it. But I found a business card, and it was from a man, and it had the 0171 prefix on it. That was phased out 12 years ago. It's amazing what you find when you start tidying up.

I mean, in the spare bedroom, turns out we've got a fitted carpet. No idea. Yeah, anything else to find? Well, lots of things again. Do you throw clothes out? fitted carpet. No idea. Yeah, anything else to find? Well, lots of things again. Do you throw clothes out? Well, I've had to start. I've had to start because it was getting ridiculous. And you know that thing when they just,

they build up and they build up and they build up and it's all, it's my own little sort of ecosystem in there, in that dressing room area. What's your view on a camouflage pattern? Are they still wearable or have they gone? What do you think? Well, I don't mean, obviously, if you're in the army. Yeah, if you're in the army, anything goes.

But you can't... You're out there for the cause and I support you. And all your fashion mistakes. Yeah, and only the brother turned up. Imagine my disappointment. No, are they acceptable? They are. Could one wear one of those?

You know when people wear combat jacket? It's difficult, Frank. It's a difficult path to tread and not one I'd really advise you going down. Sometimes you get the pink camouflage. Yeah, you do, but let's leave that. Let's leave that to the 15-year-old. I thought I could give those to the

Army and Navy stores. There could be sort of a, you know, reverse. Sorry, you haven't got pink camouflage. Not anymore. The don't ask, don't tell policy doesn't really work with pink camouflage. Once you've got to that point. You're right. Also, Frank, I worry about combat trousers.

It's a bit mad gunman as well. Yeah, it is. It's a bit gunman. Yeah, they do. Those people that go postal do tend to wear that they've been seen running around local beauty spots in uh in military gear or and shades tucked into a timberland mirrored uh mirrored shades yeah i've never been tucked into a timber lake can i make that absolutely clear i've never seen it

with him at all. You know, there are some male sex symbols. I consider beauty in Johnny Depp something weaselly about Timberlake. Social network, he was really unappealing. Johnny Depp? No, Justin Timberlake. Oh, Justin Timberlake. Yeah, but he was supposed to be.

Yeah, no, that was... But I mean just as a physical specimen. Oh, was he meant to be unappealing? Oh, he's the type of guy I'd go for. But I can imagine, like, with Johnny Depp, I could lick his tongue and not feel that I'd done anything wrong, anything intrinsically wrong.

Except, of course, he's a married man. But whereas a mere handshake with Justin Timberlake, give me the... Give me the shoulders, yeah. Well, it's funny, Frank, talking about cleaning and filthy habits. I was reading this week, you know, there's a cleaning lady in Germany

and she's just written a book called Under German Beds, A Cleaning Lady Reveals All. Under German Beds? Yeah. Well, Reveals All. Under German Beds? Yeah. Well, if I'd seen that on the shelves, I would have kept that one. You wouldn't have chucked the books out. No, Under German Beds. She said she saw things.

It's a kind of tell-all book. You know, they call them kiss and tell. It's kind of clean and tell. OK. And she says she's found, under people's beds, the mummified remains of a hamster, half a roast chicken... When she says mummified... Those were her words. When they get the innards out through the nose...

Yeah, it had actually been embalmed. Doesn't she just mean dead? I think she might mean dead. Half a roast chicken and two freshly pulled teeth. OK. You know Iris Murdoch and John Bailey? You know Iris Murdoch and John Bailey?

I know Iris Murdoch. I don't know who John Bailey is. Is that her husband? Yeah. And they were famously just, their house was disgusting. Like incredibly messy. Who rattled your cage, Mr Judgement? No, they weren't. He wrote a book about it.

And they had this thing called, they would say, if they lost something, they would say it's gone to pie land. Because once they made a pie. Mum's gone to pie land. Once they made a pie and put it down somewhere and never found it. Did they have a Staffordshire Bull Terry? A friend of mine, I was at a friend's house and he was preparing a children's party and he suddenly said, where's the dog? I said I don't know. He said where's the dog? I said I don't know where he's gone. He raced into

the front room, the dog was just finishing a Black Forest Gator. He was on the table. A Black Forest Gator, almost as big as the dog. Incredible. Oh, well, I've never... I didn't know. The Iris Murdoch's famous filthy house. I love Gone to Pyland. I shall use that. Yeah, me and Laura, when we're getting to...

Because we're not good tidiers. Sometimes Ethan walking around, do you know the South American children on the rubbish tip? I don't know them. I know them to nod to. I do know them. It's exactly, when I drove into Manila for the first time, I know what you're talking about.

It's the child wandering through the traffic in nappies, it's that kind of thing. Sometimes we look at that footage and we think, they knew the cameras were coming and they've tidied up. But no, we're not good tidiers. Oh, really? You surprise me. You think by the time we have kids we'll have got that sorted out no we're not i'll tell you what surprises me about that is that yeah

because your wife is a school teacher i imagine a place for everything and everything in its place i i imagine her you know those files with the different colored tops on the... I've got that for my make-up, yeah. Have you really? Yeah. About 12 boxes worth. But they're not in a file, though. No, they're not, but they're in those big, they're like box file things. They're colour-coded. Your make-up is colour-coded.

That's absolutely brilliant. Unbelievable. Well, no, but at school she has to be like that because she has to be organised, but she also, for tidying at school, she has an army of little girls to help her.

The students. Sweatshop. So she orders them around. And at home, because she has to do that, she just will just put things on the floor. I am the tidy one. Well, that sounds something. And I don't tidy up.

But I'm fine normally but then when I get a bit low energy I think think, oh, it's so messy. When I used to live in a bed seat in Birmingham... God, that's a depressing start to a summer. Yes. There was only three legs on my bed. Oh, Frank! And what I did is I bought...

It's a triangle. I had a look, yes, I slept in a triangular bed. It was awkward at times. Not good for top and tailing. No, not really. No, I slept in the sort of a very angular fetal position. I found you could nestle into all three corners on a good night. No, what I did is I worked out, I was in the supermarket,

and I worked out that the legs on the bed were about the same height as a large tin of beans. So I bought a large tin of beans, and I put that onto the other corner of the bed, and it was there for about four years as the other bed leg. And I thought, you know, if ever there's heavy snow, I'll be glad of that bed leg. But I don't think I ever ate it. I think I threw it at the babe with the bathwater. You know what happened? It went to Pyland. I think it might have done.

My friend worked in a hotel and they were told, get this, it was quite a nice hotel I won't name names, that when they went into the room to give the room a clean after someone had moved out, is that you use the towels, the dirty towels, to give a wipe around the inside of the electric kettle.

Now that, that can't be right, can it? Oh dear, that limescale. It's not the limescale I'm worried about. Oh, dear, that lime scale. No, it's not the lime scale I'm worried about. But, yeah, so people have a shower, dry themselves off, you know, in every niche and cranny. And it's going into the kettle.

And that's going into the kettle. I mean, the kettle, to me, is a mysterious world. I have got a see-through kettle, which I just don't use because there are things in a kettle you don't want to... It's one of those filter ones. Your kettle's always broken when I've been to your house. You have to start, it's like Angela's ashes. You have to boil the water on the stove. That's what happened last time.

That's because I don't get to see the see-through kettle. Because, you know, you can ignore, you can pretend limescale isn't there, but on a see-through kettle, it's airing you in the face. And the inside of a kettle is a disgusting place, let me tell you that. I say, let me tell you that. We had an email in, didn't we?

We did, about pedestrian racing. Dear Frank Posh and Specs, I'm living in Vietnam and I'm pedestrian racing in a place like downtown. Good morning, Vietnam! Ever since I put these headphones on, I wanted to shout that. Now it's finally had a legitimate

reason oh marvelous pedestrian racing in a place place like downtown ho chi minh city is teeming with obstacles and blocks everything from pavement restaurants people trying to sell you things to motorbikes taking shortcuts along the pavement to suddenly there being no pavement at all there's a lot more to it than just pure speed. I'd like to know whether you consider pedestrian racing in a venue like this is a higher form than somewhere with less obstacles and blocks available. Good question. Or is racing at a venue with fewer obstacles and blocks

actually the purer form of the sport? That's from Mike in Vietnam. Yeah, at least there's no napalm anymore. Look on the bright side, Mike. Well, I think it's a different... I mean, I think it is still pedestrian racing, but it's sort of like cross-country, isn't it? I mean, you're never going to hit the speeds, but I like the idea of having to go around street traders

and maybe a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig, I imagine, lying in the heat of the gutter. Have you seen those things? What, Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs? Yeah. George Clooney's got one, that's all I need to know. George Clooney's got one as a pet? Yeah.

That disgusts me. But, yeah, they're lovely, lovely fat. They are pot-bellied and lovely, we've got a pot-belly and we don't care, kind of David Baddiel kind of a way. We've got a pot-bellied and a lovely we've got a pot belly and we don't care kind of david baddiel kind of a way oh we've got a pot belly and it's our role in life to have a pot belly yeah we we are licensed to have a we're obligated to have a pot belly that's the look on a pot-bellied pig's face hey don't don't ever go at me about the pot belly i mean you know

i didn't i didn't come up with the name. No, they're happy with the Potbelly. But it's interesting, though. I love, love, love the fact that pedestrian writing is an international... Oh, everyone's at it. Well, not everyone, but you down in your heels. So, Posh and Bex are having another baby. Oh, God, have you just heard? You got a text. No, i thought what i liked about um

she said in the paper a while ago that they're having another baby and she said that chances of having a girl she thought at this stage chances of having a girl was slim i thought wow even her chances are slim yeah exactly and they got the girl will certainly be slim Yeah, exactly. And the girl will certainly be slim. Yes. Oh, that's true. No, they're all quite slim.

What if they had a fatty? BFM? That'd be great. You wouldn't want to be BFM in that family. They'd come up with something, wouldn't they? The lipo or something of that nature. But it's good news, obviously. Yeah, lovely news.

And is it Romeo Beckham? Yeah. He was just voted 26th best-dressed man in the GQ. Yeah. He's very stylish, though. Is he? He's got a strong kind of signature look. What is his signature look?

He often wears a waistcoat, which I like. What, just a waistcoat, like Top Cat? Yeah. Does he? He wears a waistcoat. Oh, that is, oh, I hate that. That's child at wedding, isn't it? You know, the brocade waistcoat on the child, thinking, oh, we've dressed him up for that.

Oh, they just look like, look when the people, when the Victorians used to put dogs in suits. It's like that. I did see some celebrity's child in Hello magazine once with a Baby Gro tuxedo, which was quite gross as well. But, yeah, so he was sort of... I watched that Essex. What's it called? Oh, The Only Way's Essex.

The Only Way's Essex. And they'd got a baby girl, and on her Baby Gro, it said, future footballer's wife. Did it say that? Yeah. Wow. I love it when people just become parodies of themselves yeah so um he wears a waistcoat a black skinny jean um he sometimes rocks a scarf as well and he's got great hair oh god i don't think kids should be

i wore short trousers till i was 11. Right. And, well, actually, come to think of it, mainly as a kid, I wore a cowboy outfit for, I'd say, the first six or seven years of my life. I mean, you know, I couldn't... I didn't know you were quite that old. Yeah. Come back to the old Midlands. I was in Arizona in the 1860s.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We used to see Wild Bill on his way to Arizona in the 1860s. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We used to see Wild Bill on his way to work in the morning. Regular's clockwork. Did you genuinely think, would you just put that on as your clothes? Yeah, that was my clothes. Didn't an adult stop you? No, I think it was just accepted then.

You know, I didn't have that many clothes. It would stop me wearing out the other things. So I had a cowboy outfit until I was like nine. And then, as I've mentioned on the show before, my mum made me a Batman outfit. Oh, don't. I can't bear the poignancy of that. Is that the Wellies one?

Yeah, that's right. Oh, we had Wellies. So I essentially... Yeah, swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, I can't bear it. And a grey jumper. But I essentially wore a fancy dress until I was 11. So Romeo Becker with his skinny jeans.

Yeah, he's got skinny jeans, I suppose. In every sense of... Yes. I can't understand that. And when I wore dress for school, I never went to a school uniform school until i was 11 and the one thing that sticks in my memory about my every picture of me from my childhood of which there are about seven because we didn't have a camera

um i'm wearing a snake belt oh the double s's the s's yeah like a little s shape they were still around in my day yes some of the the other children everybody wore wore those uh snake belt things it was they say everybody well everybody in working class west midlands yeah yeah every picture i've got if even and some of the cowboy outfit ones i've incorporated a snake belt did you wear them with a jean though frank did? Did you wear a jean? Well, you know, I wore as you know, a Tesco Levi. Which was barely

qualified as denim. It was blue. And that was about it. But a short trousers mainly as a king. I was more sort of well, I did have I was a bit sport Victorian child was my signature look. Yeah, Violet Elizabeth kind of.

Yeah, a bit. There were some britches. There was a lot of smocking. There was even a tam o' shanta. Smocking? Yeah. Well, a dress with smocking. Do you understand?

Oh, okay. I was thinking 18th century agricultural with the three Xs across the back. The haywain. No. No. So, yeah, that was mine. That was your look, lacy and flowery. 18th century agricultural with the three X's the haywain no no so yeah that was my what was your that was your look

lacy and well no as I got older I developed my own style and I had things like the reversible pink bomber jacket which if you can forget which had

it was bright shocking pink on the outside opal fruit stripy on the inside and it was reversible opal fruit stripy and then my sister bought the same one.

Oh, no. That was my Vietnam. That was my personal Vietnam. That was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. You weren't there, man. You don't know what it was like. Good morning, opal fruit stripes! Is that what you said every morning?

Gareth, I imagine you in a sort of little Lord Fauntleroy blue velvet catsuit. Well, I was blue, I did think. I don't mean as a child, I'm just saying when I imagine you. I'm a sucker for something a little bit quirky. So like when at school, really, you should just try and dress as much... Mother Goose outfit? As much like... Just spent your whole life looking through gauze.

Throat gauze. Yeah, I was also in a fancy dress, unfortunately. No, you know, and you should try and dress as much like everyone else at school as possible. And wax jackets were in. Wax jackets? Oh, barbers? Yeah, sort of like, yeah. Oh, they were in. Well, we didn't have where we lived no but

your parents had some lovely ones that they decided to keep for themselves oh so they were actually in yeah no everyone was wearing them in leicestershire yeah oh okay well sort of yeah but everyone everyone was wearing them and um i went to the wax jacket shop and I got a, they had a blue one on offer. So everyone else is in green and I got a blue one. But also they had a flat cap to match. I'm liking, I'm liking. So I got. That's like one of those actor caps that you hate, Frank. Yeah.

When an actor doesn't want to be spotted. Yeah. And so I wore that ensemble. Ensemble. I say ensemble and... Ensemble. Raymond Blanc. I say ensemble is what you wore. So you were all in blue. Yeah.

And how long did you tote that outfit? Well, I think the cap was removed from me by people on the bus the first day. Oh, really? Oh, it's a shame. I don't know how poor we were, but I sort of wore clothes until they fell from me. Do you know what I mean? I absolutely wore them out until there was nothing.

So they were just fibres. I suppose all clothes are just fibres, ultimately. That's a thing to say to the deputy editor of InStyle magazine. What about that? So what about Nathan? How do you dress him? Do you dress him all trendy?tyle magazine. What about that? So what about Nathan? How do you dress him? Do you dress him all trendy? Ethan.

What about him? Well, at the moment, he's going through... Oh, God. I forgot the name. Yeah, I got the name wrong, didn't I? No, to be fair... I got the name wrong. I know.

Laura's granddad calls him Nathan. Nathan Detroit. Does he call him Nathan? Yeah. OK. It's an easy mistake. He's going through... His favourite game at the moment Is to play giants

Is this the grandad still? Ethan And what that involves is wearing a hat Any hat And then doing massive big giant steps Giant And then does massive big Slightly manic goose stepping

Yeah he says that but he's not giant He's very tiny. And he'll do it in, like, my mum's green beret. Hold on. Although that sounds like... Beret, manic goose stepping. Keep him away from Poland. That's my advice.

So, um... And I took him shoe shopping the other day. And, um, Jared was our... In Clarks, you can get all... I shouldn't say the... But other shoes are available. You get the baby's feet properly measured, so you can do widths and lengths.

The width fitting? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you put it on that little gauge they used to have, and they pull, like, a tape across? I remember that. Oh, I used to fall off that. They still do that.

Very wide feet I've got, like Shrek. Yeah. Anyway. I have thought that, actually, before. to fall off that. They still do that. Very wide feet I've got, like Shrek. Yeah. Anyway. I have thought that, actually, before. Slightly wimped. And it was quite difficult, because Ethan wants to do everything himself now, so he didn't want the man to do it.

Oh, God, he wanted to actually do the cobbling. Yeah. Jared was our assistant, young Jared. He did his best to help. And Ethan wanted to put, we picked some shoes some brown not brown, extra whites that's what you've got Frank

a woman came up to me last night I did I did Adrian Charles' TV show, it wasn't last night actually it was Sunday and a woman came up to me and said are those the white extra browns? no, the brown extra whites. Actually, they were extra brown at the time.

Oh, she's a listener. Yeah, she's a listener. I always amaze anyone listens to this. I think they're lying. I mean, I think this far into the Not The Weekend podcast, we could say anything, because most people... It's like a brief history of time. It's only the first 30 pages, the rest are blank,

because Hawking knew no-one would get any further than that. Anyway, sorry, what shoes did you settle for? Some brown kind of, and they've got Velcro and kind of an elasticated lace. Belt and braces approach. An elasticated lace. It's got everything. So there's slip-ons, lace-ups and Velcro. He's not coming out of those in a hurry

no well that's the idea stuck it's like a vice wearing a vice yeah is it going to be like those ones that

Richard Gere wore in was it American Gigolo or something when he's connected to the ceiling is that what it was called American Gigolo

yeah just wrong film it's when he does he does a big workout scene Gareth it's like a really macho workout Is that what it was called, American Jiggler? Yeah. Just the jiggler. No, wrong thing. It's when he does a big workout scene, Gareth. It's like a really macho workout scene. Yeah, do people do that anymore? His feet are connected to the ceiling. Yeah, where he hangs upside down.

I think my brother had some of those things. Not the fit brother. No, the other one. I'm not interested in his work. He had them connected to the ceiling. Well, you have a bar. You put a bar, and then they've got sort of ankle things, and then hooks

and you can hang upside down. Yeah, I don't know if that was necessarily necessarily talking keep fit. Is that? Oh, God. Oh, gosh. Anyway, so Ethan put the shoes on and of course

we go, do you want to have a little walk around with them? Of course he walked like a giant. So this weird manic goose stepping. And I'd be like, no, that's not his normal walk. How did Jared take it? Jared took it in his stride. Did he take it in Ethan's stride? I always think it's a bit of a waste of time

that when you put shoes on, you walk like six feet up and down the shop and go, yeah. Yeah, that's a practical road, road run for wearing a pair of shoes you don't often see people going ah oh no no exactly you're doing the kind of shoes i'm trying probably yeah they go ah i bought some i bought some uh trainers some running shoes and they took me outside the shop to run up and down the alley. They didn't? Yeah. Wow. And I tried on about four pairs, and they said, oh, you lean slightly to the left. And

I said, yeah, but I'm not buying shorts. And, yeah, I ran up and down, and they estimated what kind of shoe I needed. They're really, I mean, wouldn't it be great to do that? You know, if you road test a car, they should be able to do that one of the assistants should give a three mile walk

I'm sorry Frank if I went to buy anything and a shop assistant went and just go down that alley there I wouldn't do it I was very trusting I ran for about half a mile before he gave up he ran out

into a Mark Almond gig I ran straight through a Mark Almond gig I didn't even sit down I just ran through, looked at the stage and went Whoa! Whoa! You're listening to Frank Skinner

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