The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 1st December

Episode Date: December 1, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about Christmas parties, Disneyland and getting trapped.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Softments. Absolute Radio. Hi.

It's not the weekend podcast for Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner plus Emily and Gareth. Yes. Oh, I've already said it. Yeah, you've been included. Okay.

So, welcome and thank you for listening. Just for taking the trouble to download. You know, I love it. I have a reprise to begin with. Okay. A reprise. For those of you who listen to the Saturday morning show or its resultant podcast,

you'll know that I went to a launch party last week for the King James Bible Trust. Not tross. A King James Bible Trust would be a marvellous thing. You could think, a bit tight onto the thing, but that'll be the New Testament, slipped. So, I mentioned the fact that I met Professor Gordon Campbell. Right. Who wrote, has written a book. Oh yeah, I've seen him in Hello and OK. Yeah, exactly.

He's got a beard absolutely long. And we were talking about, he said there are some parts of the Bible, he said, that the translation, the King James Bible, he said, I just, you can't make any sense of it. He said, there's a thing in Ezekiel, he said, that I've never managed to really work out. He said, there's a thing in Ezekiel, he said, that I've never managed to really work out. He said, I've never read any explanations, and I've read a lot about it. I've never read an explanation that I was convinced by. He said, I just think we'll

have to accept we'll never know what they meant. Well, I come from a line of preachers, so I might be able to help. Well, this is good, because he emailed me, the professor, and said, here's that quote. He said, it's Ezekiel 13, 18. Well, this is good, because he emailed me, the professor, and said he has that quote. He said it's Ezekiel 13, 18. Well, that would have been enough. I could have gone and looked it up, but no. He reproduced the quote for me to peruse at my leisure. So this is it.

This is Ezekiel. We don't have enough Ezekiel on these podcasts. I've said that once. No, Ben Jones does it. I know he does. Yeah, I know he's kind of cornered the Ezekiel market, Ben Jones, but this is Ezekiel without the baseball cap. OK.

Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to haunt souls. Oh. Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes. Well, I mean, they're rascals, aren't they? Yeah. Because, you know, you pick up your tank top and then there's a couple of big...

It's a very strange thing. I'm accepting the adjective strange as apt in this case. Yeah, and so, Mr Preacher Man, what do you make of that? It's a funny one. Yeah? Is that your final word? It probably meant something to the people at the time, I imagine. Oh, thanks for that. I'm with you.

Well, I'm glad we have you as our theological correspondent. See, that's what you've got to think. Yes. That room, by the way, that the Bible party was in, I don't know if I told you this on Saturday, was King Charles I was beheaded just outside the window. Oh, it's a shame. Yes, I know. It was an accident.

I think it was their sash windows. They're not safe. No, he had to walk through that room and then... Well, that was bad enough, having to walk. He had to walk... A king. I mean, you'd think that'd have got him a seat down chair. Exactly.

I think things were looking bad for him anyway. Yeah, they weren't looking good. But, I mean, it doesn't get much worse than a beheading. Let's face it. Anyway, he had to walk through, then he had to climb through the window. I think they must have put a small step ladder. I bet he went up it.

Like me and me top bonk. And then when he got outside, there was a platform at windowsill level. So as he went through, the crowd were already waiting. Samuel Pepys. Does he? He should have that scene too. And he was beheaded outside there in Whitehall.

What a lovely story. Yes. Now look at, like, you know, Whitehall, it's just people standing on police vans. In those days, it was class. Anyway, I'll tell you what I did this week. My first, actually it was last week now, it was my first of the year I had a Christmas party.

Oh, you started early. Yeah, we kicked in. I'll tell you why, because it was, you've heard me mention the yoga gang. Oh, they're good friends of Kat's, aren't they? Yeah, well, they're good friends of mine as well. Oh, all right, all right. They started as Kat's friends,

and you know that difficult moment when you have a partner's friends and you start to get quite close to them, and then the partner's sort of, well, hold on, they're my friends. On a bit of distance. We'll have some occasions when I see them on my own without you. Just to re-establish that they're my friends. Okay, so that's gone on.

Anyway, we had a secret Santa. Oh, did you? We had Christmas music, we had crackers. I don't like secret Santa, Frank. I had my first ever not roast. Did you? Well, I had no idea that the oven door was open. By then it was too late.

Yeah, you don't like a Secret Santa. No. I should tell you where he is. I don't know, they're hiding. But it defeats the whole purpose of gift giving, because it's a gesture saying, I give you this gift, and aren't I nice? And then when you do Secret Santa, no one knows.

I hate all that putting names in some old hat like some World Cup draw. It's horrible. I think you'll find the World Cup draw is done in a series of see-through spheres. There's no old hat involved. There is if you're involved. Oh dear. Well, there was that one that

Attie Jakes, I think, did the I think she did the 94, the LA draw. She did? Old hat. Yeah, she did, yeah. I think Attie Jakes did that. I just don't like it, Frank. I just don't like it, because I know I'm going to end up with something like...

Just say we all do that. Was Attie Jakes in the South African Dora, or was that Charlize Theron? Oh, yeah, Charlize Theron. I always get them mixed up. I don't know if she's a chameleon, that woman. She can do anything. She's a stand-up chameleon. Anyway, carry on.

I just know, just say we all do it, I will get the short end of the straw. Because I know I'll get some stapler from Absolute, from Gareth or something, and I'll have to pretend to be really happy with it. And then I'll end up giving him some Dolce & Gabbana gloves or something. No, she wouldn't pretend she'd be like when i bought david baddiel that um shirt once and he said to me what made you think i would like this he didn't say that he did say it yeah oh and then he said maybe i

could give it my brother for christmas can you believe that? I was cut to the very quick, to the Diana quick if he was here. Anyway, yeah, so I don't know if we had the right procedure for Secret Santa because I do, at the end, my Secret Santa, this is, what does this tell you? My Secret Santa present, there was two things in the wrapping. One of them was a West Bromwich Albion pencil case. And the other thing was a book of dirty jokes. Now, I mean, is that some sort of stereotypical view, which has reduced me to some foul-mouthed football fan? Is that what's happened? I said, is that what's happened?

Did I look rhetorical? Anyway, but I knew, I know who sent it. At the end, we all said... Was it Kath? No. No, we all... At the end, we all said who did what. And we also knew who we were getting it for.

Is that right? No, you're meant to know who you're getting it for. Oh, right. But we all said then who bought it. Otherwise, I could end up with some men's hankies. You know who you're getting it for. Right. It could have been left.

But you never reveal who gave it. Oh, well, we completely blew that. It was a difficult, I mean, it was a lovely party, but I met a couple of faux pas. What did you do? Well, I've got this new application on my iPhone. Oh, are you OK? Yes, and it's called Fat Booth.

Oh, God. And you take a photograph of someone and then it shows you what they'd look like if they was really fat. It's brilliant. I love it. And I did it, I'd only just downloaded it, so I was, you know, I couldn't put it down.

And so I did it on my girlfriend, Kath, who I don't think she'd mind me saying has got more eating disorders than... Fine. Well, she has. She's had a few eating... She's very upfront about it.

She's a lovely slim figure. She is, yeah. But I've heard her say to waiters, you know, oh, sorry, I can't have that. I've got an eating disorder. And they look very edgy. People don't like you being upfront about it. Anyway, I did a photo of her in the fat. I said, oh, look at that. I didn't tell her her in the fact i said oh look at that i didn't tell her what it was i said look at that and she didn't laugh or anything oh my god she just looked

distraught and everyone your customary sensitivity yeah and the woman there said you that you shouldn't shouldn't have done that with kath so that was that was already already there was a difficult yoga people very sensitive sensitive. Well, exactly. You know, I thought it would be fine. And then, my girlfriend is very, how can I put this, foul-mouthed. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't give you an example, but she's... She can be a bit Gordon Ramsay.

Oh, God, she swears, like, you know, like there's no tomorrow. And anyway, someone said, we're all sitting around the table you know having our room not roast with our paper hats on and uh someone said um frank is there anything kath could say that would shock you and i said yeah she could say oh it's all right i'll get this. Oh, my goodness. And that didn't go very well either. Frank! That is so bad! I thought it would bring the house down. Merry Christmas.

Oh, my God. I hope you've apologised to her. Well, I thought it was all right. It's not all right. Well, have you got a new devastation app on your phone? Look at this. It goes exactly the wrong thing to say in any situation. Look, if I just put in a situation, yoga people...

You're making me feel bad now. I haven't got round to the apology because I thought, you know, it was funny, and if it's funny, to me that's good enough. Yeah, I know. Oh, dear. It's like having, you know, sugar with your medicine. Oh, dear. And was it, so it was veggie, was it, in your medicine. Oh, dear. So it was veggie, was it, with nut roast?

Oh, yeah, it was veggie. Very, very lovely. Oh, I love a nut roast. Yeah. I would recommend, anyone listening now who's never tried a nut roast, get out there. And if you know me, serve me a nut roast. I'll eat it up.

I love it. And then we said... I've got one in the oven. It's right here. Oh, don't start being like that again. He's going creepy again. I love it. And then we said... I've got one in the oven. It's right here. Oh, don't start being like that again. He's going creepy again. I'm not being like anything. I'm not being anything. One in the oven. One in the oven. Even beneath my winter woolens,

I can see the look in his eye. It's a bit lizard-y. It is a bit lizard-y. It's certainly reptilian. It might not be lizard-y. It could be... I don't know, there's an element of gecko. The producer just leant over to look at his eyes to see if they were reptilian.

Michael Gecko, that's what I call him. Anyway, so that's my first Christmas party of the year and we struggled a bit. There was this odd moment when we said, why don't we put on VH1 or something with all the Christmas hits? And I couldn't find the Christmas hits programme on the music channels. Then I thought, that'll be probably because it's mid-November. But anyway, we bounced back and that was that.

Now, can I say, I mean, I know that we weren't, we talked about the idea of never discussing this on air, but Gareth, we were out, we were having lunch, and Gareth mentioned something casually, and me and Emily looked at each other with, we were shocked. If fainting was a real thing, I might well have fainted. And I said to Gareth, don't tell us anymore, tell us on air. He said, oh, I don't know if I wanted to.

But anyway, we've persuaded him. Well, I don't know if it's that big a deal. It was probably the early 90s. My parents went, like... How old were you? I was probably about 11 years old. My younger brothers would probably have been sort of 7 and 8, something like that. OK, so we've got three children, eleven, seven and eight.

Lovely little children. Their parents are going on holiday without them. Yeah, well, times were hard. It was the, I think we were just coming out of the 1980s recession. Well, they hadn't been on holiday together for a long time. They've had kids for 12 years. Oh, that will happen when you have kids. They tend to hang around for a bit.

Yeah, they want to go on holiday with you. Demanding little beasts. They couldn't afford to take us all. OK. Times were hard. So they left you home alone? My dad had a kitchen business. Did they leave you with someone?

Were you home alone? Yeah, no, a family then, you moved in with us. A family came in? And looked after us for the week. Right, OK. And, yeah, they went on holiday away together, couldn't afford to take us. Okay, now there's two points here.

First of all, they were, it wasn't just, they didn't just go down the road to pool or something like that. They went abroad. Yeah, they went abroad. They went to America and left the three young children behind.

Where did they go in America, Gareth? They went to Disney World. It's unbelievable. Talk about robbing their noses in it. Look, we're going on holiday, kids. Hey, you're not coming. And once more, we're going to Disney World. What were they working as characters?

No. To be fair, my mum cried all the first day. In Disney World? In Disney World. What about the other 13 days? Too busy having a good time, I suppose, on the rides and stuff.

It's an incredible story. It's amazing. Did you question it at the time? I think it is. It's become normal, a bit normal, but we are aware that it is quite bad. It's become normal, a bit normal, but we are aware that it is quite bad.

It's quite bad. It's just, why would two adults? Do you think they were going to take you first of all? Maybe they were doing a recce. They thought they'd go over there. I'm just giving them the benefit of the doubt. Are they very health and safety conscious? Yes!

So they thought, we'll try a few rides, make sure it's alright. And then they realised they didn't have enough money to take the children. Well, it could still happen. You could still get the phone call. Yeah. They took us to Euro Disney. Oh, did they? Oh, did they? Yeah.

When was that? The same year. No, later on, when I was about 16. Oh, so they took you to the bad one. Yeah. Yeah, it's a cold, horrible one with the French people in it. But they went to the lovely one. I can't, why did they go

to Disney World? It doesn't make any sense. It's weird. Do they like, I mean, were they always interested in Mickey Mouse? Or why did they choose Disney? I think my grandma had a timeshare that's in Florida, but you can swap that to a different place. Oh, so the accommodation was paid for. Accommodation was paid for.

Okay. You know, can I say you've taken me to a different place. Oh, so the accommodation was paid for. The accommodation was paid for. OK. You know, can I say, you've taken me to a level of disbelief with this story that I thought, I honestly thought you were going to say, I think my granny had a type machine. That, to me, would seem less incredible than the parents going to Disney World story. That would seem like a kitchen sink drama compared to that. Did they send you a postcard saying,

you were here? With Mickey Mouse on it. They must have sent that. They brought us presents back. Lovely. I think they got me the mouse from Dumbo. Not Mickey Mouse, which is what everyone wants. They bought a Mickey Mouse, but that was kept in their room.

You had to have the mouse, the stand-in, the mouse from Dumbo. Kept in their room. You had to have the mouse, the stand-in, the mouse from Dumbo. Mouthy little creature that it was. It ain't Mickey. I think they were doing a recce. I think that's what it was. Was it? Yeah, because you did end up going to Euro Disney in the end.

And actually, at least, OK, you think that's bad. My father took me and my sister to a Michael Jackson concert. He went off to get three ice creams. He came back licking one going, sorry, I only had enough money on me for one. That's quite bad. It is quite. If you'd told me that story before the story,

I'd have said that was a terrible, cruel treatment of young children. However, now, it seems like an act of kindness. Oh, dear. So, meanwhile, whilst your parents have been reminiscing over their fabulous holiday at Disney World without the children, I've been in Manchester, Frank, last week. Oh, Manchester. Oh, I rather like it there, you know. I like the red brick. I like the people.

It's a lot of red brick, isn't it? I've noticed that. Love a red brick. I also liked, I noticed with the hotel I was staying in, I was there for work, I was there for install. Fashion gets everywhere. Even Manchester? Yes. They're very nice. Is the hooded top still big there? Oh yeah. No, I think they make

quite a lot of effort in Manchester. The girls are quite well turned out. Everyone's a bit like yeah, we're brilliant here, whatever. But in Manchester, they try hard. No, they're good nice shops nice shopping but um with the hotel there are two things about the hotel i loved i had 11 pillows i counted them and i worked out that's about exactly the right amount for me i'm like princess and the pea don't you love being that high up your head that high up no i don't you see i don't like i don't for a start off in a hotel bed

a lot of the pillows aren't for sleeping some of the pillows are they're cushions i've had tassels before now on the bed you know what i mean so you've got like nine pillows and then you got like cushion what are they for i use those as props i use those to prop up the other pillows you're joking you don't sleep with all that lot yeah first thing i do is chuck them all on the floor I use those as props. I use those to prop up the other pillows. You're joking. You don't sleep with all that lot. Yeah. First thing I do is chuck them all on the floor. They're all right.

If you're the sort of person, if you go in for Sultan-like lounging. I do. You actually do that? Mm. When you're being fed grapes, that kind of thing, then they're all right. But I can't, when I sleep sleep in the bed i have one pillow everything else goes out do you yes you see because that's the thing when you get to a hotel room don't you find you sort of may have to make it your own that's what i have to do like i get it how i like

it but what i don't decorate used to do that is that what you do you're urinating no what i don't like is why do they put the kettle in the wardrobe you know when you get there and there's a little kettle so you can make your own tea i don't like that oh i love that do you well a lot of the posh restaurants though they've they've taken away the tea making facilities in the hope that you'll spend more money on room service not frank i was i'd rather go to a local cafe yeah but anyway on my way to manchester frank i had a bit of an incident. There was a man on the train. Can I just say, I think it might be to do with my narrow shoulders. What?

Well, you'd agree, wouldn't you, that I've got quite narrow shoulders and quite a big head. I couldn't possibly comment. Yes. So because of the narrowness of my shoulders, if I have more than one pillow, I mean, my shoulders are about a pillow's width or thickness. I mean, my shoulders are about a pillow's width, or thickness. But if you put a pillow on my shoulder now, and put it tightly against my ear,

it would come to the end of my shoulder. I think you'd agree with that. But some people, Ian Lee, for example, of Absolute Radio, would get six pillows. He's got enormous shoulders. Yet he looks like a man looking over the back of a sofa. Anyway, so when I lie down, if I had two pillows, my head would be craned upward.

Do you see my point? Because of the narrow shoulder. Just... You could do it mathematically. Measure the distance from my ear to the end of my shoulder. You're thinking over too much. Just sink into the pillows. You can't sink that much in. Do you want me to stifle? Yeah. Get lost in the pillows. Do you like pillows? I have two? Yeah. Get lost in the pillows. Do you like pillows?

I have two pillows, and then for sleeping I use one. Well, what do you use the other ones for, then? Oh, steady. Hold on, let's just... Are you all right with this? I throw the other pillow over the side when I'm sleeping. You tied it? That's not two pillows, is it, if one's thrown over the side?

He said, I tied it over the side. Did I? He ties it over the side? Just a minute. You don't sew pillows to all armholes, do you? I do, actually. Oh, do you make kerchiefs upon the head of every statue? Sometimes.

Oh, well, now we're getting to it. Well, woe to you. Times were hard. When I say woe to you, I mean, I'm not referring to you as if you're equine. I just mean, you know, be careful. No, I have two pillows, so if I want to sit up in bed, I can do that, because you need one horizontal

and one vertical to make the kind of sitting up position... Well, you don't. Can I just say you don't? You don't actually need that. He wants a right angle. You want a right angle. Yes. But I only sleep with one pillow. Oh.

And I find any more than that disgusting. Well, that's harsh, but I like it. I like your positivity about it. I suppose with you waking up in the night screaming, goofy, and stuff like that a lot, you probably don't need pillows at all. Oh, he has nightmares. He has callbacks.

So you're in Manchester. But on the train, Frank, a man did a thing where I had my reading matter, which was, you know, some glossy fashion magazines. Of course. And a newspaper. And the man took my paper. He didn't ask. Oh, one of those.

And it was a broadsheet, so it's not like some freebie rubbish. Yeah. And I looked at him very meaningfully. But you do that a lot when you're on trains. Yeah, I do. And he looked back at me. He said, I'm going to read this. He didn't say, can I read this?

Did he know it was yours? Well, I don't know at that point. And I said, I decided to turn it around so that it looked like I wasn't being totally walked all over. And I said, would you like to read it? Okay. Which was the wrong way round, really, the conversation. So he just went, yeah. Starts reading it, which was bad.

So I was already hated the man. Yeah, that's wrong. Obviously, I wouldn't have let him read it. That's what I'm like. I'd have said, well, you know, sorry, I think that was too rude. You would have used Devastation app on your iPhone. Probably. You would have floored him. I'm like. I'd have said, well, you know, sorry, I think that was too rude. You would have used Devastation app on your iPhone. Probably. You would have floored it. I needed you.

So then, Frank, he starts turning the pages of the broadsheet. You know when people lick their index finger and their thumb to get purchase on the pages? Oh, no. He starts doing that. Spicked on every page. There was a massive bit I saw. I didn't know what to do. I went, oh, dear God.

Oh, dear God. Oh, no. He didn't listen, though. So in the end, I leant across, and I took the inserts out of it, out of the paper. It didn't really make an impact, though. Oh, I hated him. Don't you think that's awful?

Well, I mean, I can... A well-known comedian, actually, came round my house. Who was it? Kevin Eldon. OK. And he said, I'm just going to have to get... Can I use your toilet?

You know, in that strained way that I knew it wasn't going to be... And I said, yeah, fine. I knew it wasn't going to be quick work. And he picked up my newspaper. And, of course, that newspaper came back. It went on the table and I thought, well, I can't even touch that now. I can't even touch it. I don't, you know, I'll have to wait until the cleaner comes on Thursday

for that to be even moved. So, you know, imagine that. Imagine if he'd done that. Imagine if he'd said, I'll have that paper and gone to the toilet and come back. Then where would you have been? Waterloo, probably. Oh, very good.

It wasn't a party. They just drop off me. So you had a nice time in Manchester? I really, I think I'll be going back there again. When were you there? I was in Manchester this week. Yeah. That's a bit of a coincidence.

Oh. So it was El Mori. I was playing Manchester Metropolitan University. Were you? Who won? They did. Oh, I thought so University. Were you? Who won? They did. No, I thought so. Oh, you should have called me.

I may not have answered, but you should have called. I think your parents were doing a gig at the Plymouth. I was... You know, when we went and saw Elton John, the other... We saw... And I got a car back. Cab driver man.

Cab driver man? And he said to me, I listen to Absolute all the time. I said, I love it. I said, oh, brilliant. He said, in the evenings, I only listen in the evenings. I thought, OK, you don't need a show, it's fine. He said, in the evenings, I only listen in the evenings. I thought, OK, you don't hear our show, it's fine. He said, I used to love when they used to do

a Greatest It show of your show on a Sunday night. He said, I used to love that, but of course they don't do it anymore. Do you know, I had no idea it didn't exist anymore. That's how I found out, from a cab driver. Why don't they do it anymore? Well, I've no idea, the cab driver was outraged And I was, well close to tears, I'll be straight with you It's not a reliable way of letting you know

What a way to find out from a cab driver I wasn't informed No one said to me we're dropping your show From the evening Sunday schedule Did the producer know, did you know that? She's nodding Well she wouldn't know because she edited it into the Sunday night thing Why didn't you tell us?

Don't have a scene on air. Oh, OK. Oh, I love one on air. Yeah, which you can be dealt with later. Get the Devastation app out. Pardon? Get the Devastation app out. OK. We need to sort it.

Meanwhile, Gareth's parents have got their own show on Radio 1. But, er... That's life. No, I was taking i'll be i'll be honest with you um oh sorry i've got a scratch oh i can hear it hey um never mind your scratch did you see that story there was a woman in france who was trapped in the toilet in her but i shouldn't laugh but it did make no she was trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. She was fine. I should say she was fine. She got out in one piece.

But she obviously, you know, she was pretty hungry. I'll bet she was. She was surviving. She survived on water, though. So you can live. Yeah. She was a bit upset. I'd quite like it, in a way. What, to be in the bathroom for three weeks?

Well, I can think of worse rooms to be in. There are worse rooms. I think it's the best one. You've got the water element. You can wash. It smells lovely. Yeah, you can wash as much as you like. You know, keep everything coiffured.

Yeah. Shave. Because that's the trouble with being trapped somewhere, is the beard grows. Well, exactly. And, you know, if my beard... I've noticed now quite a bit of grey in my beard. There's an element of Kenny Rogers.

He's only a heartbeat away. No, it is. If I was going to be trapped, I think we should have had that as a phone in one week. Which room would you most want to be trapped in? And the bathroom would definitely be my choice. Yeah. I'd go for that.

It is... Not the kitchen. Not the kitchen. Because there's some food in the kitchen. Oh, yeah. And you is... Not the kitchen, not the kitchen, because there's some food in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, and you could wash in the kitchen if you wanted to. Or somewhere with a telly. When I was a kid, I used to get in the kitchen sink and my mum used to rub me down with half a fire brick.

What? Yeah. Anyway, so, yeah, the kitchen actually is quite a good call. Yeah. I don't like getting it you can wash in there in the sink I've just said that half a firework

do you not actually listen to this as it goes out do you think I won't listen to it now because it will spoil it I'll listen to it when it goes out

podcast I don't want to ruin the podcast for myself yeah that's the point but you know I would have just been you've never been trapped

anywhere well I've been I've sometimes been locked in people's bathrooms, which is always a bit embarrassing, isn't it? Deliberately, or...? How dare you? Actually, once or twice, yeah.

But no, so I've just sort of screamed and slightly said, let me out. But I had the worst... That'll do it. The worst trappage I've had... Yeah. ...was in a ghost train. And it was in Berkshire.

You're joking. You were trapped in a ghost train? Well, I wasn't in the train because it was sort of like a haunted horror're joking, you were trapped in a ghost train? Well I wasn't in the train because it was sort of like a haunted horror walkthrough, if you know what I mean. So there was no train? No, a bit like, you know what Jonathan Ross has at his parties? Was there a train? Not an actual train, no. You walked through a scary

experience, it was that. So, yeah, I was there and it was in Berkshire and it was a fair and I was with... Where specifically in Berkshire and it was a fair. Where specifically in Berkshire? I can't remember. Is it? Oh, is it really? Well, I'll tell you where it was.

Are you familiar with the late Sheridan Morley? No. Frank Wilby. You know who he is, don't you? Yes, I know Sheridan Morley. He was the son of Robert Morley, the actor. Yes. Was he not?

He was a reviewer and critic. Yeah. Well, speaking of trains, there goes Elton John. Hi, Elton. Hi, everyone. Come on, there you go. Be careful with... Oh, he's gone. He's gone.

Lovely coats he's wearing today. Six, I counted, and that was just on a brief pass-past. Go on, pass-past. And I was with his youngest daughter. She was about seven. I was about 15 or something, 14. Sheridan Morley had children, did he? I always assumed he was...

Oh, no. Oh, OK. I like that we've said nothing but so much. No, yes. And I took her in. When I say his father was Robert Morley, not the one who did Iron Like a Lion in Zion. No. Robert Morley, not the one who did Iron Like a Lion in Zion.

No. Robert Morley. Okay. Yeah. Carry on. He was in films with people like James Roberts and Justice. We all were. Yeah.

Well, exactly. So we went through and she was quite posh and lovely little girl. She would be. And we went through and there was a horrible, horrible fairground man. Sort of no teeth fairground man. Yeah, tattoos. I didn't trust him. We walked through. This door slammed shut. And we went through and there was a horrible, horrible fairground man. Sort of no teeth fairground man. Yeah, tattoos. I didn't trust him.

We walked through, this door slammed shut. Our parents did what 70s parents do and went off to drink wine. Walked through, door slammed shut. We're suddenly trapped pitch black. Couldn't see anything. The girl starts crying. Sounds horrible. I felt to my side.

It was awful. And then I said, well, we tried to walk forward. There was like a 20 foot drop when I put my foot down. It was awful. And then I said, well, we tried to walk forward. There was like a 20-foot drop when I put my foot down. It was awful. Oh, God, that is a nightmare. So I started going, let us out. I was screaming. No one could hear us.

No one could hear you scream. I could hear your child's voice when you said that. You stopped being an adult then. And also, there's a hint of haughtiness in it. Let us out. Slightly bit mad at me. Right little man. Will you let us out! You mad, that man from the fair!

Still at least they took you with them to the fair. Look on the bright side. He wouldn't hear it, it was awful. How did you get out then? The little girl went, I want to go out of here, I want my daddy. I said, I don't like it much either. Must have been frightening when you're yearning for Sheridan Morley as an alternative. So then we tried to go forward.

The drop, 20 foot drop. It was awful. So I started banging on the door. We were stuck in there for about 45 minutes. We sat there. The girl was screaming. It was awful. That is terrible.

My parents had had a few drinks, they weren't that fast when they came back well you know, at least you've got your money's worth because sometimes those sort of rides aren't that scary well exactly you've got a good run for your money you ever been trapped in a place Gareth?

I recently, because I stay with friends at the weekend and they were away for the weekend ok sorry about the tautology of the word weekend when I said that Because I stay with friends at the weekend and they were away for the weekend. Okay. Sorry about the tautology of the word weekend when I said that. But I managed to... Hold on. Okay.

I managed to... I'm out of it. I locked myself out. I went to sign for a parcel for them and I locked myself out of the flat. And so I was in... It's a bit Terry and June, isn't it? I was in, like, the stairwell bit. Did you have pants on?

I did, yeah. Just as well. But it was a terrible moment, because I realised they were away, all my stuff was in there. Oh, God, that is terrible. It's a disaster. So you were trapped outside of something, rather than in? What did you do? Well, what I did was they had builders

working there and who had left their tools, or I think it was a gardener, and he had one of those sort of hand saws.

What? 127 hours? Yeah. That's a bit extreme. I cut my leg off. Yeah. In retrospect, I didn't know

what good I thought it would do. But I was quite impressed with myself. Were you going to post yourself back into the house piece at a time? A bit like this.

I was worried about the skull, but I thought I'd cross that bridge when I come to it. Just like the upright pianos on Jus en Frontier. And what I managed to do is put my hand through the letterbox and used the unfolded handsaw to get the handle from the inside and pull it down. I broke in. You did that with a handsaw? Yeah.

You managed to turn the handle? That's bizarre. I'm surprised you weren't cut to ribbons. So am I. But it was quite a relief. Yeah, a great initiative. They should look at their security, though, actually. They should look at their guard. I don't know if he's carrying a handsaw Yeah, you know, great initiative. They should look at their security, though, actually.

They should look at their gardener if he's carrying a handsaw. What's he up to? God, how many people are in that back garden, one ass, one cell? Your parents had the keys, I hear. Well, I was trapped in it. Oh, it was very horrible. But I got divorced. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. but I got divorced.