The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 20 Jul

Episode Date: July 20, 2011

Alun Cochrane is having horrible food hassles, and Frank gives his advice on how to deal with and eat a Kiwi.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hi. It's

Not The Weekend Podcast. Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran, Emily Dean, Absolute Radio and you. Gathered together to, I don't know, chew the fat. I guess. You started with an almost Jack and Ori style there. Hey!

I've got a story for you guys You've got to call people in You know what I'm saying Just because we're on their iPod Doesn't mean they're listening I mean, I bet there's someone at this very second Now probably Searching for their Oyster card for example Or maybe

Being chased by a stray dog Stray dog? Yeah, either of those things could be happening They could be listening whilst out jogging, couldn't they? They wouldn't even be jogging they could just be on their way to school and suddenly they come round the corner

and it can be a bit frightening, I'll be absolutely straight with you Speaking of random and it can be a bit frightening. I'll be absolutely straight with you. Speaking of random street occurrences, I went and had a look at the new Yuri Gagarin statue. Have you seen that? No. It's on the Mall.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't know there was one. Oh, it's on the Mall. You know, at one end of the Mall there's Buckingham Palace and at the other end, now, there's Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space. Wow. And I went to see the statue, and it was a gift from the Russians. You know, like in Christmas in Covent Garden?

Oh, yeah. You get a Christmas tree from Oslo or something like that. Yeah, the Norwegians are good like that. Yeah, they'll always look after you with a Christmas tree. Yeah. Well, the Russians will send you a heroic statue at the drop of a furry hat. So it's heroic, but it's...

I'm not saying it's camp, but it's bored. Oh, he's the happiest astronaut I've ever seen. He looks like he's doing a little post-landing dance. Maybe he's just enjoying the null gravity element. But it worked, because I thought it would be very stern, Russian, you know. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I thought it would be like that. Yeah.

And, oh, he's frolicking. That's what he's doing. I think maybe the sculptor started it as an Eric Morecambe statue and then halfway through realised that he's got a look of Yuri Gagarin. It could easily be that. And as I've messed up the suit, I could bland that out into a space suit. Yeah, why not? Yeah.

Well, if you want to see Yuri Gagarin mid-frolic, have a walk down to the mall. I've not been doing this long, but I don't think we've been recommending statues before on the podcast. No, Frank's very Burgers of Calais, one of his favourites. Oh, Burgers of Calais, I'm all for that. There's nothing jolly about them. No. They're full of anguish.

And where would the listener be able to enjoy that? Well, it's right at the side of the Houses of Parliament, Victoria Park Gardens. Now, of course, I know none of our listeners are in London, but, you know, maybe you come down. Some of them are. I imagine there's absolute listeners coming down to the O2 to see the Kaiser Chiefs on a regular basis.

Some coming to see Bloodwin Pig. I don't... That's just my brother. There's only our Keith left of the Bloodwin Pig appreciators. Do you know our Keith Allen? No. Well, you will. That's Frank's brother, and all you need to know is that he loves Bloodwin Pig.ates it. Do you know our Keith Allen? No. Well, you will. That's Frank's brother, and all you need to know is that he loves Bloodwind Pig.

Right. Bloodwin. Bloodwin. Don't blood it up. I thought you were saying three different words there. Bloodwind Pig. Not wind. Bloodwin.

It's a Welsh name. I thought it was a new version of Earth, Wind and Fire. Can we move on? Like a tribute. Anyway, go and see Yuri Gagarin. That's my advice. And if you can catch the Burgers of Cali in Victoria Park Gardens. Make a day of it.

Yeah. Have a staff cheer day. Abraham Lincoln they've got. Just by the Houses of Parliament as well. How did he get there? Oh, tall fellow. Nelson Mandela in a strange pose. Looks like he's just washed

his hands and can't find a towel. You know when you walk around with your hands stock out like that, feeling that if they're going to drip, I don't want it on my clothes? Yeah, he's in that pose. I mean, who'd care about getting droplets on that shirt? Anyway, I am. Same wardrobe as Noel Edmonds. Yeah. In fact, I used to dress a bit like, in my early career, I used to dress a bit like Nelson Mandela. Mandela, Edmonds, Versace number. I'd wear a very colourful shirt. I think of Edmonds in a sweater. I don't think I've ever seen...

No, he wears a Versace shirt. It's very Mandela, his wardrobe. I've never seen Mandela in a jumper. I mean, it's not appropriate in South Africa, is it? When I was in South Africa for the World Cup, it was very cold in the evenings. That's what they were saying on the coverage a lot. Yeah. And when he came out, when he was brought out on a golf cart,

Nelson Mandela, which he was at the final. Was he? Yeah. That's cool. He was wearing a big, what we used to call a Ruski hat. One of those big sort of things that Yuri Gagarin would have been very much at home in.

And also, I think if he bought a warm sandwich, I think he might keep in there, Yuri. I don't know if he took a packed lunch into space. It wasn't up there that long. Anyway, this won't put the bonnet on the baby. No. You were name-dropping

earlier. I wasn't referring to Rob Bonnet, the five- on the baby. No. You were name-dropping earlier. I wasn't referring to Rob Bonnet, the five-life sportsperson. It's a saying, put the bonnet on the baby. Oh, name-dropping. Yeah, no, you were saying something about Darren Brown. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant Uri Gagarin. No, that's a really sad name-drop. Yeah, it is.

I don't know, I find him a heroic figure. Anyway, Darren Brown. Not Darren. No, I know. Darren. Darren Brown. And I went to see, and his West End show now closed. Was it finished? Oh, dear.

But he's going to take it on tour, apparently. Oh, good. He's foreseen that. Yes. He's good. Yeah. And no posters, nothing. He just thinks everyone has got that.

They haven't. They need telling. Yes. Anyway, I went to that, I went to the, it's called Svengali. And he makes quite a big point of not saying anything that's happened in the show. You know, keep it secret. But, you know, shut up. Because if I went on...

My consensus didn't go well. No, if I went on and said, oh, and at the end of my gig, if I did an hour of comedy and said, oh, don't tell anyone any of these jokes, people think, you're right. Mind your own business. We've paid. Do what we like. Anyway, I'm not going to give away any big secrets,

but there's a bit where he uses a camera on the audience and someone has to get up and he basically reads their mind and this bloke got up and the camera closed in and had it on a big screen behind Darren and I was just sitting in front of this bloke so I was my face was about three foot by three foot because I have quite a square I don't think I've got quite a square face Oh so you were visible on the big screen I look a bit like Brasneck used to be in the dandy

was it the beano? who knows yeah I was on the big screen and I thought oh this is a difficult moment well it's been a while but nothing not even a murmur of recognition while. But nothing, not even

a murmur of recognition from the audience. Nothing. No one even, I've never been so hurt. And Darren, he didn't, I thought I saw a slight nod from him. But he has a nervous tick, which constitutes a regular nod, so it could have been that. I don't know if you've ever noticed

his nod. I haven't noticed his nod. I mean, if he was a tic tac at the race course I mean people oh god there'd be some confusion I wouldn't want to go with him to an auction no no he's got

you've had previous with Derren Brown have you? oh yeah me and Derren Brown go way back we've had personal interaction I Yeah. I think the sun exposed that. Yeah, yeah, I was in that cabinet for a day and a half. They had to use oxyacetylene in the end to get me out.

And it was hot in there, I'm telling you. Yeah, yeah, they fed me, there was just a gap at the bottom and they put they put that lasagna and that sheet pasta yeah they just put that in lightly boiled they couldn't completely boil it it had to be al dente or else it wouldn't push under it just crumpled so yeah i lived for a day and a half on al dente um sheet pasta thanks to

mr derren brown as he likes to call himself anyway um so uh i was with my girlfriend, Kath, who's had... My girlfriend is... She has a lot of illnesses. She currently has a bad neck, a strained buttock muscle and a septic insect bite. It's like the wheel of illness. You just spin it round and round and see where it stops. She's like... It's like a medieval peasant.

She sometimes, she'll send a text, won't she, saying my liver's failed. Sorry, got to go home. That's the sort of level of illness. Yes. Yes, she's hypochondriacal. Anyway, she had this neck that started on Saturday morning. Now,

Sunday morning it started stiff. By Monday night, and when we went to see uh darren it was it was jotting out it was almost like she was uh making room for another head it was right out on it was right out on the shoulder so she was leaning across to one side well it was it wasn't even a lean it was like the whole net was put the head was was level it was um it was, but it was white. You know when you see Indian dancers, and they do that thing where they move their head? If you manage to freeze frame that over the right angle...

Was it a Bollywood happy ending? Bollywood finale scene? I thought you said a Hollywood happy ending. I thought she was trying to avoid it. No, she... No, it was... She was obstructing the aisle. I mean, we might as well have been in restricted view seats

because it looked like she was... Her head was sticking way out on the side, I thought. And that was on camera as well. Shouldn't have been. Maybe she was just craning across to get a bit of... To get in the picture. And when she turns with the bad neck, she's gone very Sandy Toksvig.

Oh, yeah. I don't know if you've noticed, Sandy Toksvig and... I'm a big fan of her work. Oh, me too. Sandy Toksvig and Clive Anderson, I think, get their collars starched at the same dry cleaners. And they don't skimp on the starch. So when they turn, it's like turning a picture

playing card if you want them to look round the whole thing the whole body, have you noticed that? they turn at the waist Sandy Toksvig and Clive Anderson they just walk round in a little semi-circle yeah, one I need is a swivel chair I'll tell you, give them a swivel chair

but you know, people they don't think things through anyway that's how it was with, but you know, people, they don't think things through. Anyway, that's how it was with Kath, and you know, you kind of all, will he throw in a bit of faith in him? Maybe, but he didn't. And then, this was the shock, right? And I'm going to give away a tiny bit of the show, but it's something we've

all seen in hypnosis shows before, so it's not a big, won't spoil it for anyone, because there's a big development on this, it's just the acorn. I'll keep the tree out of it. There's a bit where you have to hold your hand with your fingers tightly together.

Outstretched, but tightly together. No gaps. Well, I'm slightly webbed, so I was out of it from the start. But mine's a bit like a baseball mitt. But anyway, you had to hold it very tight like that. And she held it.

Alan's doing it in sympathy. How lovely. Is that right? Just flat? Yeah, just like that. Flat as a pancake. And then he started saying, oh, tight, very tight.

Very tight. Right? I mean, I was, I won't say I was alarmed, but I was uneasy. Very tight. And with the nod, with a little nod going in like i'm looking is it is it me and um and then he said right now try and separate your fingers um so i you know i i did and i thought well sure enough you know we'll have people in the audience i'm sure who's you know he's paid off. That's what I was thinking.

Anyway, there was about, there was a bunch of ten of us went, ten friends. And one of them, sitting next to me, I looked across, couldn't separate the fingers. I mean, a woman I know. So not, not a paid accomplice. And then he said, right, I'm going to call that arm up. I'm going to call it, come on, right. And her arm started going up. She couldn't do anything about it.

Well, this is how Nazi Germany started. I thought to myself. But, yeah. And so after the show, you know, it's a bit, when you see other people doing it, you always think, well, you know, but when it's someone you're with. That you know. Yeah. So is she a particularly sort of suggestible creature?

I wouldn't say she was. I'd say she was, she's quite an independent woman. Works in the fashion industry. What does that tell you? There you go. Yeah. She sells scarves on Camden Market. No, she doesn't.

She's got a... I don't want to identify her because people might think she... But anyway, when we got out, so we all stood chatting. No one mentioned this. Really? We'd all been staring. No one mentioned this. Really? We'd all been staring. No one mentioned it. It was like it was a bit too freaky.

And I said, well, hold on. What happened with the weird hand thing? And she went, oh, I just, I don't know what happened there. Completely weird. I just don't know what happened. I couldn't separate the fingers. The arm was going up. I stopped with it.

And I thought, that's a bit, that is a bit scary, isn't it? How do you explain that? And there was a bit that is a bit scary isn't it how do you explain that and there was a bit of resentment in the group like whose side are you on are you with us

or are you with Darren Brown why don't you go back with your mate in the dressing room it all went a bit like that you can see you know

it's like when the beautiful tropical bird escapes from the cage it goes into the garden and it's torn apart by the sparrows they don't like they don't like difference, people.

You were still reeling. If you don't mind me saying, Frank, I think you were probably still reeling from the big screen snub. Well, I was. I was feeling bad about it. And also, two cars had to swerve to avoid Cat's head. It was halfway across the nearby lane. But it's made me rethink the whole Derren Brown thing. Perhaps he's got the powers.

He's good. Well, he's worked with us. He's done some great work with us. He correctly identified the name of my first boyfriend as Barnaby Scott Hughes. What? Pretty good. How on earth, dot, dot, dot?

Really? Yeah. good how on earth dot dot dot really yeah he wasn't the bloke who uh knit your diary out of the uh your handbag no he wasn't derren brown i mean that would help wouldn't it his mother is schuler in the archers fact fans who derren brown no barnaby scott hughes oh okay oh i knew that obviously i knew that well you know you can't go and see him he's on tour go and see what you think is he not in London then

no no he's finished now he finished on Saturday did it ok did it did it what well I was just going to say

did he mean for it to end so suddenly or oh I think so oh ok good he knows what's coming let's face it yeah he does you can't

I find it impossible to surprise him. I took a brown paper bag there. Went bang, he didn't even... Oh, he nodded. But that could have been... Now, Frank, there was some rather sad news this week. Um... Er, Wurzel.

Is it absolute? Oh, no, it is. No, Wurzel, Frank. I thought we'd been bought by Rupert Murdoch. He's on the lookout for a new project. Oh, no, it is no Trask. No, Wurzel, Frank. I thought we'd been bought by Rupert Murdoch. He's on the lookout for a new project. Wurzel, the legendary Motorhead guitarist, he passed away. Oh, that is sad. But can I say something we didn't say on the last Saturday's show?

Is the Murdoch thing not the best news story that's ever happened in the history of news stories? It is fun. People have been so horrible about him because it's all globs are off and all that resentment, people have been too frightened. It's been building up. I bet he's got a big list of, mate, when I get back. Oh boy, you are in trouble.

It reminded me, I went to see Jaws when it was at the cinema, when it first came out, and when the shark died at the end, everybody stood up and applauded. And it's a bit like that, the shark's dead. Yeah. Long live the shark. Oh, man, it's not dissimilar to Mussolini hanging upside down with his brains hanging out.

I thought... Where were we? I'm not sure about James either with that marine haircut. It's not working for me, that. James Murdoch. No, I know. Don't wear a marine's haircut at News Corp. It's not working for me, that. James Murdoch. No, I know. Don't wear Marine's haircut at News Corp. It's all wrong.

No, but I think he's a masculine character. He definitely is. So, Frank, anyway. Yeah. From the Murdochs to Wurzel. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Wurzel, the former motorhead. Motorhead guitarist. And apparently

Lemmy actually said something brilliantly dated which I loved. He said, Godspeed. Godspeed. Brilliant. Yeah, which I once heard a DJ say wrapping up a talkie disco. Godspeed everyone. What does it mean exactly?

I thought you might be able to throw some light on the subject. I think Godspeed at the end of a disco is a kind of a spiritual version of, can you move outside now, please? It's a suggestion that God is going to provide some sort of acceleration. For these people, it seems unlikely. It's not WD-40. Godspeed you across the river Styx, or whatever.

Is it WD-40? Have I made that up? No, WD-40 is a... made that up? WD-40. No, WD-40 is... Lubricant. Yeah, that's what I meant. Very good, Frank. Frank, apparently when Wurzel died... Can I ask, is the guitarist with the Wurzels called Motorhead?

Seems a bit odd to be named after another band. It's great to be called Wurzel, though, isn't it? That's not his real name, Frank. It's because he looked like a scarecrow. Is that right? That's why they called him Wurzel. I didn't know. That would account for the fact that Ronnie Wood was terrified of him.

Don't remember him telling me that. Yeah, so... Well, I'm sorry to hear about the death of Wurzel, obviously. He was pouring a Guinness and cracking a joke when he went. What, that killed him? It's a worry, isn't it? Yeah, he couldn't multitask. No, I've heard of people dying from multitasking before.

It's not easy. It's all right for the girls. How old was Wurzel, do we know? Yeah, Wurzel was 61. Oh, well. That's a good one day in Inns. That's all right. Yeah. You know, a quick... Well, good one day in Inns. That's all right. Yeah. You know, it depends on the run rate.

But say if it's 61 off, say, 70 balls, that's all right. We'll look that up. Cricket analogies. Yeah, there's not enough cricket analogies on this station. If I've said that once, I've said it twice. That's quite a nice way to go, though, really. Pour in a Guinness. It's nice, yeah. There's anticipation of something.

Well, I suppose you'd say he was doing two things he loved best, being witty and getting, you know, drunk. Yeah. I imagine if he's in Motored, he's a bit of a, you know, character. Yeah.

It's an interesting thing, how would you like to go? You used to have conversations like that at school when death seemed so far away. Yeah. Those chats sort of slow down a bit as life goes on. Yeah, I'm less keen on them. Now they take on a more practical nature, those conversations. I mean, you get your dream death, you know.

I mean, I've always thought it'd be lovely to fall from the London Eye, from the top of the London Eye. Oh, fine. And land on Anne Robinson. And just that... You imagine the sounds would be... That's how she'd... That'd be her last... Her last...

There'd probably be the sound of plastic breaking. Yeah, the face would be undamaged. It'd be completely... It would. It would look like someone had dropped a Viva Vendetta mask onto £15 of mincemeat. The face would be completely untouched, yeah. I'd like to think that she couldn't speak at the end,

but she managed to wink. What a very fair last word for goodbye. And then the horrible wink. And I don't know if you've ever noticed, if you crank your volume up, when she goes, goodbye, you can hear... For the wink. So, the first half of the head is machinery. Anyway, I'd quite like to die like that.

I think that'd be all right. I know it's pretty unlikely. On a more practical front, I wouldn't mind inhaling my own vomit. I've always thought... Thanks. I've always thought the nice thing about that is it's self-contained. Do you know what I mean? That's a horrible way to go.

No, I've always thought that'd be all right. No, I don't like that. Jimi Hendrix, I don't feel so good, man, or whatever he said. I don't like that. No, it's... When they say you can't take it with you, they're wrong about vomit. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that's alright because it's quick and, you know,

you don't need assistance. Is it quick, though? I thought it was akin to drowning. I thought that was basically what it was, drowning. Oh, but drowning in my own self is something that, in a way, I've been doing akin to drowning. I thought that was basically what it was, drowning. Oh, but drowning in my own self is something that in a way I've been doing my whole life. The choking aspect concerns me as well. The choking aspect, they were a band and a half. Yeah.

Their second album, admittedly. You remember their second album, Asphyxia? It was a falling away of standards, I think we'd agree. Yeah, where would you go? I would, well, I think what I'd do is, where I'd like to be ideally is either Denville Hall or Brinsworth House, which are both retirement homes for performers and actors. I know that because that's where my mum's going.

They're great alumni. Charlie Drake. Charlie Drake. And Alan Freeman. Fluff Freeman was there. Ooh, not off. Richard O'Sullivan's there. Thora Hood was there as well. Brilliant. How great would that be? Yeah. And then just, you could go, just, they drink a lot there. The bar's very busy there.

Old actors, it's going to be. Old actors love a drink. And you'd like to die there yeah but that's not really a method of death well it is now i'd like to die in my sleep but what i would want frank is i do want an audience i do want to be surrounded so i want an audience with an audience on an audience with preferably spontaneous human combustion if you could you'd be at least dying knowing that you're going to take YouTube by storm. Oh, yeah. If I walked on, I was just having a bit of banter with Philip, what's he called?

Ian Beale. Oh, yeah. What's he called? Adam Woodyatt. I was just having a bit of banter with Adam Woodyatt and suddenly there's a bit of a cracking and I'm burst into flames. That would be on YouTube forever. And Adam Woodyat would consider himself one hell of a lucky guy because, as usual,

he'd gone in on the coattails of someone else's big moment. Emily and I just in the audience muttering, I knew he shouldn't have worn nylon for his big shirt. Yeah, exactly. It'd be terrible. I'd also, I'd like to die on the same day as Jasper Carrot just to see how the Birmingham newspapers handled him. Yes. God, that'd be a dilemma.

There'd have to be a split page, front split page. But who gets the left and who gets the right? Imagine my agent had been there like a ton of bricks. He's all over it. He's on the phone already, just in case. I was on a plane recently that was struck by lightning. And Nicky Haslam, you know the Society interior designer? I don't.

Well, exactly. He's not quite famous, but he's sort of a few people know him. And it did occur to me who would get top billing out of me and him. I had that on a plane. I was with Tom Stoppard on a plane. And I don't know what happened. There was a big bang on the plane. And I actually said to him,

I bet you were worried about the billing as we got off. Did he laugh? Nothing. Top crowd. Yeah, exactly. Tom Stoppard. Yeah. Stop laughing, I call him. Tom Stoppard. Yeah. Stop laughing, I call him.

Tom Stoppard. Stop laughing. Makes me think. I wonder if he'd want to. Anyway, he's still... Yeah, so that's... I wouldn't mind... If I was going to do the Flames thing,

maybe on the One Show as well. Oh, yeah. That's good. Boom. If I went on the One Show, I'd want a massive explosion. I'd like to think I'd taken the One Show with me. I think if you don't... If there was a sudden moment where the blood hit the camera,

I don't think they'd be able to go back to the one show ever again because people would have bad associations. You can't go from that to flat-pack furniture or something like that. That's the joy of magazine television, isn't it? But I can imagine, if you imagine my funeral corsage going slowly down the road and then passing a job center with alex and matt standing outside asking for soup that would be that would be the aftermath of what had gone on there on the the one show that that

fateful night i had a strange uh occurrence this week by the way well'm not on the edge of my seat but I'm nearer the front than the back well I had a food hassle everything's about food to me I love it I had my first kiwi fruit for ages this week and just as it was occurring

to me that it was the first time I'd had a kiwi fruit for a long time I'd cut it in half and I was going at it with a teaspoon and I twisted it and spattered this kiwi fruit everywhere, all across the kitchen. All the green juice. It looked like the place had been slimed. It was disgusting.

I don't see how you managed that. I don't know how I managed it, but it was a particularly explosive piece piece of fruit let me tell you and it took some cleaning it really did and uh you know like sometimes you eat a cherry tomato do you ever pop a cherry tomato in and it when you bite it it flies out like bits fly out and then they harden very quickly no no but I don't do that. You've never had a cherry tomato? Of course I've had a cherry tomato, but why do you think you've got lips for? I mean, have you ever had one pop across your top?

Yeah, but I put it completely in my mouth, so when it pops, it's in control conditions. Yeah, but Frank, don't take this the wrong way, but you do admit this yourself. There might be areas between the gaps in your teeth for them to lodge. You have said that yourself. I agree.

There are pit stops in your mouth. I'm no stranger to a nostalgic tomato pit that's been in there maybe a month. You just have a snack on it. Yeah, but what I'm saying is anything that explodes, I put it completely in my mouth. So it explodes. Emily's gone.

It is. It's a controlled explosion. That's what it is. So, for example, with a kiwi, I don't slice a kiwi. I tear it. You tear it? What sort of animal are you? Like a bear eating fruit?

Yeah, that's it. And also I find that when I pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear and I get a sawpaw, next time... Anyway, so I so I just explain how you eat it so you rip it I drag the thumbnail down it's about half I do and then once you've got once you've broken the skin for about an inch you can you can prise it apart right and then what I do to avoid any spillage because the skin's pretty sturdy that'll hold it in i put the whole half like in my mouth so there's an airlock with the lips so so whatever whatever squirts will will go into my

mouth and then i just squeeze the skin and and it just so you're left with a sort of caveman's loincloth yeah that's right i'm left with a caveman's loincloth. You're sucking the fruit out of a kiwi fruit skin. I don't really suck it. I sort of mainly squeeze it. I just squeeze it and the whole half just falls into the mouth. It's like one of nature's sports gels. Like you see them at Wimbledon. Exactly.

Giving it a squish. Exactly like that. Oh, I'd love to take it. One of my many, if I was a famous tennis player, is to do a kiwi between games just like that oh i'm with alan i have to say because i do knife through the heart and then teaspoon always teaspoon but they're very they're a bit russian roulette the kiwi yeah because either they're quite fleshy and tasteless or quite tart and firm. Some people

eat the skin even. Some people... The caveman's loincloth. You don't want to eat that. No, I don't want to eat that. If I was eating them at Wimbledon, I'd have two in my left hand at the same time. Like pre-service. Bit of a rat. Just give one back to a bald boy.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe bounce it a couple of times. No, that wouldn't work. But yeah, that's how I am. The other week, I had to change not only my shirt, but also my trousers, post-pomegranate. Oh. The whole thing. I mean, it was, oh, man, it went everywhere.

And pomegranate juice, it really lingers. As a child, I would take two hours over a pomegranate. I used to eat them with a pin. Yeah. And take out each individual, whatever you call those things. Let's call them the eyes. Each individual eye. Are they seeds?

Are they seeds? I don't know. Yeah, but I wasn't after the seed. I was after its sweet encasement. Yeah. You see, Frank, I find with the mango, I love a mango. seeds i don't know but i wasn't after the scene i was after its sweet encasement yeah you see frank i find with the mango i love a mango but i do you want that mango i know that much but i do find with a mango when you get through to what i call the inner sanctum yeah the pit area yeah pit stop area it's very it's like a clavicle bone in there. Have you ever come across that?

Why it's hard? It's very, I mean, the bone is. Yes. You can't get through it. I've tried to cut it before. Well, my girlfriend's a great chewer of the mango seed. The clavicle. Yeah.

She goes straight. You know when you see a dog's got a flea-ridden back? And it'll lean back. I can't do this right. But it'll sort of, the teeth go... Like that. Like it's really, like, she does that with it. Like she was trying to take a flea off the back of an animal.

And she gets it right down to, I call it the knot, the inner mango. Does she? Yeah, the mango knot, I think that's what it's called. But with the kiwi, I find sometimes with kiwis they're very sturdy, but sometimes they're quite squidgy. So when you eat them, you've got to be prepared. Oh, sorry, you mean the fruit. I was talking about the bird. Oh, right.

Oh, no, this has been a terrible misunderstanding. Yeah, I take the thumb down its waist. And then you can get the whole entrail out with one. You just have to part the front legs. Hank. It's amazing. Hank, do you find... Now, where do you guys stand on shellfish?

Because I'll tell you what, I find that quite tricky sometimes. I'll tell you what I don't like, is that in order to eat, let's say, a prawn or a lobster, you have to sometimes assemble so much paraphernalia, sort of Pete Doherty's bedsit style, the finger bowl, the dirty napkin, the knives. And knives that you've never seen. Little metal implements that look like...

If Barbie had to make her way to some sort of jungle enclosure, sort of things you might need to get through the undergrowth. It's more of a work than a meal. Yeah. It is. It's like work. More like a hard graft than a snack, as far as I'm concerned. Well, I've said before how my dad would eat a whole crab

on a Saturday afternoon watching the horse racing on the telly and finish off the smaller claws with a hair grip. No. That, to me, that's not eating. That's a... Pudding. Yeah, that's that to me isn't that's not eating that's that's a yeah that's the grip in fact glass of hot water first there wasn't a thing left on it it would he would the tiniest i meant the hair grip that sounds unhygienic to eat crab with a hair grip well what for the for the the crab eater or the hair um restra? The hair thing. Yeah. People don't like even brushed hair in the kitchen, do they?

No. Well, I agree. I don't like any hair in the kitchen at all. I only allow reptiles on the work surfaces. Frank, where do you stand on cream eggs? Because I find them quite exhausting as well. Cadbury's cream egg? Oh, it's very poorly designed.

It's all or nothing. I don't like food like that. I like to take my time, Gradualist style. Yeah. Whereas that, you've got no choice. You've just got to pop the whole thing in.

Oh, no, I don't agree with that. It's a nightmare to eat and the foil is far too weak. The strength of it's all wrong. I tell you what I'd like, I'd like to take one on in an egg cup and actually slice the top off

a cream egg and eat it with a spoon and maybe stick toast in it and really give it its full egg respect. I don't like cream eggs. They're too sweet. Yeah, exactly. Because of the poor design. Also, I think they don't make them. They've gone off

the market, I think. Oh, no. No, they're still, I saw them in my local... There's a few left, but I think the factory't make them. They've gone off the market, I think. Oh, no. No, they're still... I saw them in my local... Oh, there's a few left. There's a few left, but I think the factory was recently purchased by the Euro lottery winners. Oh, Frank! And they're no longer available to the public.

I'll tell you what, fish. Now, fish... Again, my girlfriend, who has about five eating disorders, a league table of eating disorders that come and go, she will love a whole fish. Really? I mean, a whole head, tail.

With eye, so eye on plate. Yeah, but I mean, that's work, eating one of those fish. I mean, I love that moment when you lift the skeleton out. Oh, and you create the... Tom and Jerry style. So Tom and Jerry, isn't it? It's really good. Yeah.

It's really satisfying. But I can't be... I end up trying to, you know, pick my... It's like trying to eat through barbed wire. I mean, the fish is saying, get off. Look, I've got my own defence system here. And, oh, man, it just goes on forever. That's why I like chip the fish is saying, get off. Look, I've got my own defence system here. And, oh, man, it just goes on forever. That's why I like chip shop fish, where they've taken,

not only have they taken all the bones out, but they've put it in a handy envelope of batter so bits don't fall off. You know, that's how you want to eat fish. You really can see why that caught on. Oh, God. Is it not the best thing ever? Great. It's the it's actually the worst

jealousy that I ever feel is when someone walks past with fish and chips. There's a peculiar jealousy that is fish and chips jealousy. Well do you know that happened to me only yesterday? It wasn't actually fish and chips, it was just a cone of chips. Yeah. And I was walking through a place called Endell Street, just up from Covent Garden. There's just a cone of chips. I was walking through

a place called Endell Street, just up from Covent Garden. There's a nice chip shop there. Also, what he'd done is he'd created vinegar vapour. Oh, I love the vapour. That was a Tom and Jerry moment. I felt the back legs just lift off the...

Have you seen my back legs? My legs just lift slightly off the ground. And I was nostril-led towards the cone. It's hard not to just snatch it out of their hand like... Oh, that smelt so... But you couldn't have had one. No. If I'd have had one, I'd have had to have killed him for the rest.

Oh, it is the best. I tell you, if I won the Euro lotteries that would be my first bought a call would be that chip shop I think it would be theirs too They were there three times a week as it was

I think they bought that as well They've bought that and they've rebuilt it brick by brick inside the cream egg factory and then they've just bricked up the doors They ain't going nowhere

and no one's coming in A bit like when Del Boy used to have a bar in the corner of the living room. They've got a chip shop built in their house. That would be real money, wouldn't it? I think what they do is there's an enormous conveyor belt. It's like a row of 12 unwrapped eggs and then two plates of fish and chips.

And they bungee jump from the rafters and they come down and plop them, plop their hands behind their back, plop them with their mouth off that. It just depends. Sometimes it's an egg, sometimes it might be a mouthful of mushy peas. We'll see how it goes. I saw one, the wife, come down

and she managed to eat an egg and a pickled onion on the same visit. Oh, you can keep your towel wipe out.