The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 21 June

Episode Date: June 21, 2011

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Die, riddle, die, hey. Now, I was going to put my finger in my ear for that, but I had headphones on, I realised, at the last minute, and I actually stubbed my finger against the metallic side plate of my headphones. at the last minute and I actually stubbed my finger against the metallic side plate of my headphones.

Nevertheless, we'll carry on. This is Frank's Caring Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily and the cockerel. We'll get a jingle. We'll get one. We'll get an actual cockerel jingle. I can know to that, Liesl. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

It's too late. As they said to Princess Diana, your face is on the tea towel now, Docs. Too late. Did they say that? Yes. One of my... One hesitation about this whole Absolute Radio project

is sometimes I think the shows aren't barnyard enough. Problem solved. I think you could aren't barnyard enough. Problem solved. I think you could have turned up like the cavalry. I had a cockerel and you became the cockerel. Exactly. It's literally zoo radio, isn't it? Do you get cockerels in zoos? You might get one in a petting zoo, but you wouldn't get one.

You wouldn't get one alongside the great kestrels, even in the aviary section. Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on zoo allocation. No. But if I was going to start a zoo and somebody said, what about the cock, I'd laugh in their face. Not in their faces, not until they'd left the room. Just get an alarm clock.

It'd be fine. Not everything needs to be animal-based. It's not the Flintstones. We're not going to get a big bird with the record player. Record player, we get emails in there from teenagers. You use the phrase record player on your... Please explain. I don't...

I don't understand what exactly... What that means... That's the spots going on their necks as they speak. Oh, I thought that was gramophone noises. No, no, no, that was their... That was their... Their acne. Oh, that's awful.

The jaw movement, it's sort of... It's like pumping up an airbed. As the jaws go up and down, you see the spots start... You know they could go at any moment. I saw a teenager get his head caught in lift doors once, and I'm not kidding you, it was like pouring Advocar through a colander. Oh, my...

God, that's awful. I'm sorry, let's perhaps... Oh, I feel sick. I had a bit of a moment this last week when someone said something and I felt everything clench. I mean, everything. What was it? I like the sound of this. Yes, I did Lee Mack's TV show and Fern Britton was on.

I don't know if you've met Fern Britton. I have. She's a nice person. I haven't. No. Just trust me. This will happen a was on. I don't know if you've met Fern Britton. I have. She's a nice person. I haven't. No. Just trust me. This will happen a lot, Alan. Don't worry.

It does seem to, yeah. Yeah. We're starting. We're giving you a ramp. It's Fern Britton this week. I think you two and I only overlap on the Venn diagram in this studio. I don't think there's any other overlap in our lives. But it's all about, we celebrate difference on this programme.

Yeah. That's good, yeah. It's powerful. Yeah. You are author, and that's good. Well, we're in the comedian Venn diagram. Yeah. You two are comics, and I'm not.

Yeah, Emily's in the socialite Venn diagram, where I have a foot in there on occasion. Yeah. And fashion, of course, Emily's completely on her own. But it'd be interesting, maybe... So is Frank. I'd be very happy if one of the listeners could do a Venn diagram of this show with things that we have in common.

Oh, I'd love that. Maybe it's a bit early with the cockerel. Maybe they need to get used to him a bit. Yeah. And we can establish what the universals are, if there are any. Yeah, well, I think... Well, radio would be in the universals, but, yeah, then we'd be stretching a little. I don't think enough podcasts beg for Venn diagrams.

No, I don't think I was begging. Well, I'm now begging, please. I think it was more of a Venn diagram. I suppose it was more than a hint, but less than a... It was a request. An unsubtle hint. We don't normally do requests. That's what I like about...

Usually it's the listeners that send in requests to the radio show, not the other way around. But as I say, we celebrate difference on this show. So, Fan Britain. Yeah, so we was on a... Lee's doing what I would call a light-hearted chat show at the moment. So not anywhere where you're going to get the big questions, you know, the difficult ones that make people cry.

I don't think he wants tears on there. So he says to... It's not Frost Nixon. No, it's not. It's more like Basil Brush David Nixon, which is... I understand. He was one of the original...

I think he was one of the Brush sidekicks. I'm pretty confident. Anyway. So at least, you know, every time I see you, you seem a bit thinner. How do you do it? How do you lose so much weight? Now? I don't know about Fern. I, my behind was like a clenched fist. Oh, I would have retched. Because, I don't know if you're aware of this, but, I mean, she lost weight, but everyone thought she'd lost it by exercise, and then it came out that she'd had a gastric... I think it was the... GB.

The Brighouse and Gastric Band. She had it done in Yorkshire. That is a fantastic pun on Brighouse and Gastric for any listeners who are not from the West Yorkshire area. Thank you very much. Alan is basically here for footnotes. Can I just say, I'm out of the Venn diagram at this point in time. Oh, are you?

Yeah. Oh, that's sissy. We're in the Venn diagram. There you go. In appreciating areas of the West Yorkshire. And anyway, my view is it's Fern's body. She can do what she damn well likes with it. But anyway, she did get some stick in the paper.

She did. It was a very tense, you know... She did get stick, but not enough carrots, perhaps. Yes. Oh, that's excellent. In fact, you could say that what Lee had mentioned was the elephant that wasn't in the room. But, oh, I just thought, I don't know.

I mean, she handled it very well. And I, the subject changed quickly. And Lee had no idea, I'm sure, that he'd even gone anywhere. I think Lee may have been the only person who had no idea. Well, he was, yeah, because me and Fern, I think, got closer together on the sofa like Hansel and Gretel when they heard the screech of an owl in the forest in the night and became rather afraid.

But God bless Lee, never saw any problem and then just went straight to it. Oh, God. Was there an audience there willing themselves to not shout? Well, I think there was an audience. I couldn't hear them because they'd gone completely silent. You just can't mention it. No.

Just as a general piece of advice, don't really comment on weight at all. No, well, weight generally is, I agree with that. Don't say, I mean, just so you know for future ref, Alan. Yeah. When addressing me, don't say you look well because I think think that's hello fatty, and I don't like that. Okay? Okay. Don't say you've lost weight, because then I think you're saying,

oh, you've lost weight, fatty. Right. So don't say you look well, because it means you're fat, and don't say you've lost weight, because it means you're fat. Basically, don't say anything. Okay. Trouble is with saying you've lost weight. Sometimes people will say to you,

I know it's this dress makes me look. And then you go, oh, yeah. And then suddenly you, for no good, you're painted into a corner. Oh, no, you haven't lost weight. That was an optical illusion. You are just as fat as... It's such a minefield.

Oh, it really is. It is. For the first time in my life, I'm a fairly lean, for listeners of a scientific nature. But it's snake-hipped, I'd call you. I'm the body shape they call an ectomorph, if you're interested. Are you really?

Yes, indeed. But this is the first time in my life I've had fat trousers. A lot of girls have got jeans where they know they've got fat. They say, I've put my fat jeans on. I can tell I've put a bit of weight on when these jeans get tight. I've got some trousers to a black suit. And if those trousers are tight, I know that I've put a bit of waistline on. Can you tell me, what is an ectomorph exactly?

Ectomorph is the tall, thin. Peter Crouch and myself are pretty classic ectomorph body shapes. OK. And then little fat ones are... You're in the same Venn diagram as... Oh, definitely. That wouldn't be a Venn diagram. It'd be a bar graph.

Surely. Well, I... Meanwhile, I'm waddling around with Maradona. Thanks a lot. Well, I think I probably am because I'm little. And I'm curvy, so I would think... What is it, endomorph, is it? It's endo and meso, isn't it?

Oh, he knows them all, Frank. You're a bit of a meso. You're a Schwarzenegger tag, just waiting to happen. I would say Frank's possibly ecto, ectomorph. Yes. Ecto, ectomorph. Ecto, meso. Yeah, you'd be probably ectomorph or exomeso.

Already I don't like this conversation. Does my enormous head make any difference? No, I don't think so. I haven't. I think I might be the next stage in evolution. Can I tell you why I hate this conversation? Go on. Because Alan immediately leapt in and claimed you as an ecto.

I went, no, Frank's one of us. Frank's one of us. And by saying that, he's basically saying i'm fat he's basically called me fat oh god i'm just disappointed i thought he'd said hetero which i took that i was quite you know masculine which obviously everyone knows i'm not anyway um where would we go oh yeah so um it was things don don't say anything to either fat or thin people. Well, for example, you wouldn't say to Wayne Rooney, Lee Mack wouldn't have said, I mean, your hair looks great.

You've gained so much hair recently, I can't believe it. He might, if he didn't know, though. I'm absolutely certain he didn't know, unless he has nerves of steel. Right. I think he just, he was being complimentary. I think he'd missed out on that news story altogether. Oh. I'm still slightly clenched.

I mean, I sort of went into, oh, man, the tension. I was on TFI Friday once, and Chris Evans was trying to get across the fact that my birth name is Christopher. Right? So he said, so does your mum call you Chris? I said, no. He said, well, I bet she does. Then she doesn't.

She call you Chris, your mum? I said, no, no, she doesn't. He said, yeah, come on. What does your mum call you? And I said, look, can we move on? He said, no, come on, does your mum? And he thought, oh, he's really anxious. He doesn't want anyone to know his real name. Right. And I said, look, my we move on? He said, no, come on, does your mum... And he thought, oh, he's really anxious. He doesn't want anyone to know his real name.

Right. And I said, look, my mum doesn't call me Chris. He said, she does. She definitely... I said, Chris, she's dead. And it was live on telly. And the only time TFI ever sort of froze, it was like a freeze frame.

Everything stopped. And I saw his face go sort of red. Oh, and the yobs in the studio bar, they wouldn't have liked that either. No, even they were. I mean, they lived for fun. Not to talk about the fundamentals of life and death. Those people weren't interested in that. I saw that live on television. Did you really? I saw that happen, yeah. Did you?

Absolutely, yeah. Did you wince too? I suppose you were at school at the time. I was watching it through fingers like that. Yes. I had a similar thing. I, um, I was emailed the other day saying, uh, get your father a magazine subscription for Father's Day. This would make

a great gift, but it literally said for your dad. And so I'm obviously on a mailing list for this magazine, and I just hit reply saying, my dad died when I was four, I don't know how to tell you more gently. Oh God, did you get a reply? So far I've not had a reply from the magazine

but I'd quite like one now. I mean it's interesting. It's true, it's insensitive. So it's good that we've both used dead parents as a weapon in conversation. I think that shows you're both in a good light. Especially with Evans. You've got to have your wits about you.

Well, do you know that I think I mentioned on the show on Saturday that I met Brian Cox at a party, the astronomer. I don't know if you know, but he got criticised in the papers because everyone said the music was too loud on his show

that you couldn't hear what he was saying. Because he's a bit rock and roll, he sort of cranked up the volume a everyone said the music was too loud on his show that you couldn't hear what he was saying. Because he's a bit rock and roll, he sort of cranked up the volume a bit on his music. And he got quite a lot of stick about that. And in the papers, he was arguing quite strongly for it. Obviously, it touched a nerve with him in being an ex-music man. Do you ream? Yes.

And he was being asked something and he said, sorry, and I said, see, it's difficult, isn't it, when the music's so loud you can't hear? And he didn't hear me because the music was too loud. The whole thing was a terrible demonstration of the truth of that criticism and it went completely over his head. With Alpha Centauri that was going on at the same time,

he pointed out. It is a sticky wicket to defend, isn't it? If it's too loud, you're too old. That doesn't apply to documentaries. No, I don't think it does. I mean, you know, it wasn't a rave documentary. You with me? Well, I am, but I'm a bit distracted

because there's something about me that I'd like to talk about. Oh, there's a change. You'll get used to this, Alan. Can I say your hair looks really good in headphones oh does it you should adopt an alice but i can't what like shirley bassier ask it this week yeah some sort of alice maybe a gastric band oh hang on how come you can compliment your hair in headphones and it doesn't if i said that you'd have gone that means i'm fat yeah because you've already called me fat he's never called me fat yes you have no i wouldn't call i'm also just

stepping in front of a speed in express anyway what were you going to tell us about yourself i've got i've got some news i've got okay listen to this, guys. Do you have a distance? Hold on, she's gone. She's... Oh, no. You've bought a slide. That's fantastic. Those were the... They're actually my car keys I got out by mistake.

But those are the keys to my... No, Alan, don't get the wrong idea. To my new pad, my new abode. Oh, you've finally got the new flat. I've got the new place. Hold on a minute. Can I just... Champagne.

I thought it was one of your spots popping. Can I just say, not flat, point of order, duplex. Thank you. It's on two levels. Okay. Is that not a place in it? No, duplex. Oh, it's a duplex.

Sounds more Manhattan duplex. I can't live in a duplex because I'm Catholic. Oh, Frank. My girlfriend's surname is Mason. If we had children, would they be Masonettes? Oh, yeah, lovely. So is it smashing? It's super smashing, great, lovely.

I'm so happy. And what was nice is I like the Vendors. And you don't often like the Vendors, but I really got along with them. They were called Jeff and Joss, and I liked them. Were they in the same Vendorogram? Yes. Well, they were friends of the show. They loved it.

When they were showing me how the sound system worked and all the kind of telly stuff, they called up the computer and every single podcast came up. Of this? Wow. Yes. I loved it. I thought you meant other podcasts no just this that's brilliant they were lovely people good looking young immaculate taste and what when i

was saying i was so happy when i'd exchanged they told me that on the night that they exchanged on this place and they got the keys they were watching you doing a gig. They were watching Alan. Me, Alan Cockrell? Yes, you, Alan. The Cockrell, they called you. The Cockrell. With amazing foresight, they called you the Cockrell. Performing my little stand-up comedy turn on the... But I couldn't believe it, so I said, oh, my goodness, I said, that's meant to be.

And the minute I said it, I felt ashamed. Not happy with that phrase? It's a bit Aquarian. And I'm a cold, hard fax. I'm a bit Mr Grad grind hard times i'm not i'm not a korean i don't do meant to be your fate so i felt ashamed of myself for saying it and i thought i've become that person now reading my star sign you're not a piano accordion it's just one of the great musical psychics the 21st day i know what you mean i the other day

somebody was talking to me i, it's a bit of a hoity-toity subject but I've got a book coming out and they were talking about the page design what the headline should look like and all that and they said what do you think of these options and I said to be honest it's a bit much of a muchness Oh my god

I've said much of a muchness unironically but they seem fine with it. My mum is king of these phrases. She's absolutely... King. Queen, perhaps. Queen.

She's full of them. And Scottish, as I was at birth. But one of hers is, I'm not as green as I'm cabbage-looking. Oh, yeah, I've heard that one before. I've no idea what it means. I've never heard that. Well, it's just basically, I'm not as stupid as I look, I. Oh yeah, I've heard that one before, I've no idea what it means. I've never heard that. Well, it's just basically I'm not as stupid as I look,

I think. Oh, I see. But she will quite often say, knife on the floor, man at the door, and that is now in my head. And it's surprising how much you do drop a knife on the floor and I kind of undo it. It's always... What's that? Some

soprano's catchphrase. I don't know why, but whenever I drop a knife on the floor, which is frequent, I say, knife on the floor, man at the door. Just cannot get it out of my head. I hope you never visit Monica Selesh. You're going to throw her into hysteria. Was it scissors?

I don't know what it was, actually. No, it was a small pen knife. Was it? I know quite't know what it was, actually. No, it was a small pen knife. Was it? I know quite a lot about the case. But hold on, I don't quite understand the old ingrained wisdom of knife on the floor, man at the door. I don't know either. Does it mean if you drop a knife on the floor,

there will be a man at the door? A knock on the door, yeah. Or does it mean that if i see someone coming down the path i'll carefully place some cutlery on the floor as a warning i don't know i don't even know if my mum is going to listen to the podcast and furnish me with this information she'll have to david furnish you could always call her personally surely i could ask her directly yeah in fact she may not even know why she says it herself. It might be like me. Knife on the floor.

Man at the door. Oh. I might try it. You never know. I found myself saying, which this is really bad, Frank, and I think you might totally re-evaluate me as a person, and I apologise in advance for this. I was meeting someone and I meant to say, how are you?

And it came out as, how are you doing? And I said it in a slight, this was a while ago, in a slight Joey from Friends voice. I did it, how you doing? Oh, did you? Yeah, I nearly ended my own life. It's only a hop, step and a jump from what's up. Oh, dear.

Lots of people have said this to me if ever i meet people who are from birmingham and um they know obviously that i to and fro there for the football they'll often end the conversation i'm not about strangers really they often end the conversation by saying oh well give my love to Birmingham. And I'm so tempted to say, and how do you propose that I did that? Are you, what, in some grand inanimate object address? Or am I to pick out a Bromley as some representative of Birmingham and say, excuse me, we've never met, but I have a message for you from another complete stranger.

If they said it to me, I think it might be a challenge of some sort well it just why why would anyone say that give my love to birmingham i'm not a big fan of give my love to per se not a big fan of per se either i don't know exactly oh god we're getting a bit of a limit on what we can and can't say on this show. It's difficult, you know, two hours a week, year after year. But I'll give my love to... I'm just going to start saying no. And then leave it at that. My auntie once told me a great story. Well, I think it's great.

You know that thing that you were saying about your mind not fully concentrating and then it coming out a bit joey from friends my auntie was speaking to a woman at her work who was retiring and had got very fat and she was saying oh you're obsessed aren't you and she was saying oh yeah it'll be in it'll be it'll be january or whatever and how much she'd how long she'd worked there and my auntie was thinking, wow how can she afford to retire? How long has she worked here? But what came out of her mouth was

how much do you think you'll weigh by then? And it had come out and she actually said it. Goodness, she hopped the auntie. It's terrible. It's one of those moments of going I really wish I had control of... That's not a phrase, that's just abuse, isn't it? Yeah.

What did the woman say? I can only imagine that there was an uncomfortable pause and then everyone left the area. I can only imagine that. She might have said... She might have imagined it. She was having a muffin. Mid-way through a chocolate eclair.

Yeah. Terrible. So I don't know if you saw this thing that Stevie Wonder was being inducted into the, some kind of Hall of Fame. Is it the Musical Hall of Fame? Oh, yeah. I know it was the, something like the Soul Music Hall of Fame. That's a bit of a lighter.

Do you think Stevie Wonder would have been? Yeah, you would. I think we'd established fairly early on that he was a leading light in the soul world. He was little Stevie Wonder for a long time. Now I think it's fair to say he's big Stevie Wonder.

If he's ever on the Leap Mac show he'll be told that. How did you put so much weight on that? And he'll say what you talking about Willis? Is what he'll say, what are you talking about, Willis? Is what he'll probably say. That's my guess. Isn't that different strokes?

Yes. There you go. You are getting some. The Venn diagram. He puts a toe in the Venn diagram of references and then he takes it out again. Every now and again. But his performance, Stevie Wonder's,

was held up because he couldn't find his in-ear monitors. And then a stagehand came on to help him look for them and they turned out to be in his waistband, which I like. I like the idea of him going, I'll put these in here for somewhere safe so I don't forget where they are. Well, I have to say, Alan, he did say they were stuck in my booty, which is another story altogether. Yeah, exactly.

And then you're going to put them in your ears. I mean, that's how diseases get spread. I really wish they'd been in his ears. I mean, that would have been the best. Where have I put them? Where have I put them earplugs? They're in your ears, Stevie. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. When a person is looking for their reading glasses and they're atop their head. That's a nice moment. I have to say, and I mean this with a big heart, but it's never occurred to me before that blind people must lose loads of stuff. I've thought of all the difficulties of being blind,

but it's never occurred to me before that you just put something down and can't remember where you put it. I get that enough in my own life. It's never occurred to me before that you just put something down and can't remember where you put it. You know, I get that enough in my own life. I tell you what I can't find. Nail clippings. Nail clippings?

I clip a nail. Why do you want them? No, I don't want them, but I don't want them lying around. Oh, I see. So I clip my nails. There's a clicking sound and it's just gone. I can't, it's nowhere. Do you not get that?

I know what you mean. You have to cup, you have to cup underneath the foot. You're presuming, I mean, foot. Oh, I'm sorry. You clip your fingernails? I find they don't fly so much because they're clammy. Oh, okay. They tend to,

they'll stick to a clipper. Whereas that, of my fingernails, they fly all over. I find them, you know, the other side of the living room. Do you not get this? I have to... Well, no, because I don't use clippers on my nails, darling. I get a manicure.

Oh, well, you see, when I do my nails... I file them down. Honestly, mine are flying all... I had to wear a welding visor to clip my fingernails. Do you clip your nails, Alan? I do the toenails, but I tend to do it after a bath in the bathroom, just with one foot on the lip of the toilet so it goes straight in. Oh, I wouldn't want to put a foot on the lip of my toilet.

With seat down or seat up? Seat, well, the whole seat down, but the lid up. We call it ladies and men's. Oh, I see. Oh. Yeah. No, guests, ladies and men's. Oh, right.

But you see, what you're doing there, you're putting your foot where other people's behinds have to go. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I have got an en-suite bathroom. No, but even so, I think this accounts for the rise of the buttock verruca, which has become very prominent in Northern England. You're not a proper doctor, though, are you? I think we've found you as the sort of typhoid Mary figure in the buttock verruca pandemic. No, what they should have...

You know those pencil sharpenersers when you stick the pencil in and then you turn a handle and then all the shavings and everything is inside. They should have like a gauntlet, a nail clip of gauntlet that you put in so everything's kept within. Right, yeah. Anyone listening

who's, you know, the sort of people who knocks up inventions in their shed, you can have that one. Oh, I don't like that fact. Would it have that sort of... I don't like those. Like those old school ones, you mean, that the teachers had screwed to the table?

Those ones? Yeah, but imagine nail clippers. So you put it in, you turn the thing. Like a vice. You come out, the nails are perfect, but the nails haven't flown all over the place. What you want, really, is almost like a baseball catcher's mitt with some built-in clippers, don't you?

That would do it. So you get around the toes. As well. See, all these... Sounds a bit fancy. Why don't we have... Your own sweet, fancy ways. Look, we could have a sort of Dragon's Den type episode

of the Radio Show, when people send in these nail-clipping ideas. It's a great idea. It could be called Britain's Got Talons. Well, I look forward to that. I'm starting to think that maybe the mice are collecting my fingernail clippings. You say very confidently, the mice.

Yeah. Do you know that there are mice there? Well, I suppose there could be small beans. I think that they're collecting my fingernail clippings and somewhere in a hole in the skirting board, they're putting

together a small model of the Sydney Opera House. Made from fingernail clippings. I mean, that's going to be worth something if I can find the damn thing. Yeah. I was once on a train and be worth something if I can find the damn thing. Yeah. I was once on a train and a woman behind me was clipping her toenails. On a train? I mean, that is antisocial behaviour, isn't it?

How did you become aware of that? Was it the clippings or smell? I could hear it through my headphones. I could hear it. I mean, I think that is a contravention of the quiet coach rules, don't you? Through your headphones? Was he using secateurs?

I was literally sitting there listening to music or a podcast and thought, I think I can hear clippers. Like clunk. Yeah. And then clunk. And turn around and there she was. Toe nails. That's stupid.

Time and a place. Time and a place. You've given her a mafia nickname Toenail It's better than the cockerel Yeah, Eggs Benedict If ever I was in the mafia I'd want to be called Eggs Benedict It's such a perfect

I'd have to have my head shaved obviously It's lovely, great name for a criminal figure There's a time and a place for clipping your toenails and I think that place is your bathroom after a bath. It's when they're soft as well, it's the perfect... Are you including um, see you two are

talking like fingernails don't grow, it's just toenails. What about fingernails? I'm not talking like that Frank, I just get them filed. Because that's the civilised thing to do. That's very meticulous, isn't it? Maybe that's what your mice are doing, finally. I keep mine on microfiche.

How long do your nails get that you have to clip them, though? Well, bear in mind, you see, my right hand, because of the ukulele, I have to let those grow quite long because they double as plectrums. Whereas the left hand I have to keep very low because they're working plectrums. Whereas the left hand, I have to keep very low because they're working around my frets. Is that a euphemism? Well, not that I know of, but it's a musical euphemism. I'm calling it a euphonium.

He's got Edward Banjo hands, that's what we call them. Ukulele. Edward Ukulele hands would be a fabulous, if something of a doll film. Yes. I think it's fair to say. Look, I don't think we should leave this without, there's been, there is a fellow, there's been a series of fellows

who I think very much qualify for Friends of the Show. And that is the never-ending succession of the world's shortest men. Yeah. And a new one has been crowned this week. Well, you may be familiar with the work of Kegendra Tapamaga, obviously, who stood at 67 centimetres and was the reigning world's shortest man. I got alerted this week by Rossoss noble who's another friend of the

show he was very excited um and he broke the news to me i heard from ross okay that genre ballowing who was the contender has taken over can i can i stop you there because i've just had one of those you know when people say you broke my dream but as as you get older, you're never quite sure. I have a very strong image of you very carefully enunciating these names. And I don't know if it happened or I dreamt it. I find that more and more, whether something is a memory. I imagine dogs. I always imagine my dog.

You know when a dog lies down and it's going, in a dream? If he dreamt that I'm kicking him really hard in the behind, when he wakes up, does he think, oh, it was just a dream? Of course he does. He has no concept of it. Has he read Freud? I don't think so. So that dog thinks I've kicked him in the

behind. And now I'm really, I've gone into that stage where I can no longer separate dreams and reality. So either you, that may be what the party we went to last week, you were telling someone about the battle of wings. I'm always telling someone about the battle of wings. Or maybe that was that, or I dreamt it.

That is the problem of having profoundly mundane dreams. My dreams are all about me sitting on the sofa. I dreamt, the night after I did the Lee Mack show, I dreamt I was doing the Lee Mack show and nothing remarkable happened. I was just doing it. It wasn't like suddenly an hippopotamus was, well, I think we could have worked that out. I think, you know, whatever. It was just normal. Anyway, sorry, world's shortest man. I think, you know, whatever. It was just normal. Anyway, sorry, world's shortest man.

So, yeah, so Jean-Ré is the... He's been crowned the new world's shortest man. He was apparently thrilled. He's about the size. He's not much bigger than a Coke bottle, Coca-Cola bottle. What? So he could actually... But that's quite awesome, because then he could... That's his manor, the dining table.

Imagine just running around, getting what you like. Love it. It's not much bigger than a Coke can. Not a Coke can, a bottle. Oh, you mean a big... Yes. Not that designer Coke bottle. Yes, an old-fashioned glass Coke bottle.

I'd say he's about... Two litre. Should we say a two litre bottle? Are you talking about the classic Coke bottle? I'd say he's only a few inches taller than that. What are you saying? No, that's action man you're thinking of. He can't be a human being that small.

That's ridiculous. He is. You're saying two litre. He certainly shouldn't be on the dining table. He should be in the fridge if he's that size. Well, I don't think he's allowed on the dining table. He's not allowed on the couch without a rope ladder. No.

If I was... So who now is the world's second shortest man? That'll be... Kegendra. Yeah, see, if I was Kegendra, what I would never tell anyone is I was the world's second shortest man. Because you know what the next question's going to be, don't you?

Who's the first? And then you've got to plug the other bloke. Yeah. I'd keep that to myself. What was nice, Genre's mother Concepcion Gruterioid during the ceremony. I thought that was her surname. Concepcion Gruterioid. Was he a single parent?

Never He's got a different name Jean-Roy told the crowd thank you In a local dialect Which was translated by his father There you go He could have done a thumbs up Well, exactly

I once saw an episode of MasterChef And there was a very small person on it Who I couldn't make out Whether or not they were an official midget, as it were. An official midget? An official or if it was just a small person that was on the programme. And at one point, seemingly without knowing it, Greg Wallace tasted their food and said,

you're half an inch away from being a really good cook. Oh, dear. Terrible choice of phrase at the cook. Oh, dear. Terrible choice of phrase. Oh, that's awful. Well, the new one, Ballywing. Jim Ray Ballywing, yeah. He's got the shaved head. Now, that's a mistake, I think, if you're the world's...

Because he looks like a baby. Right. Don't you think? Yeah. He's quite baby-faced. Well, he wears baby clothes as well. But with the shaved head, you know, it's only a matter of time before he's arrested for unauthorised breastfeeding.

That's my guess. I'm going to put my phone on. I'll tell you why. Because I'm going to do a visual gag. Okay. Which doesn't always work on a podcast. I'm aware of that. But this was, I took a photo of myself

doing an impression of the world's shortest man. And I'm going to show you that photo and see if you enjoy it. But it was taking a while to load, so we can talk about all the stuff by all means. Well, you see, the thing about Genre, though, is that they had to withdraw him from his school because he was proving distracting to other

children. Well, yeah. In what way? Because he's the world's shortest man, or second shortest man. He didn't have that coat bottle outfit on that he wears, so they were all parched to the lesser bigot. Oh, look at that. With a straw hat. I mean, I mentioned? With a straw hat.

I don't mean a straw hat, I mean a hat that is a straw. A straw hat obviously would be... No, Frank, I mentioned the Coke bottle because he was posing next to a glass Coke bottle, and he didn't look that much bigger than it. Anyway, here is my impression of the world. You've gone too leet, though, Alan. I think you could be right.

Here's my photo of the world's shortest man. And this is the world's shortest man on the iPhone okay let's have a look I'm gonna take it I'm taking it now the world's shortest man on the iPhone okay can I explain what it is yes it's Frank holding you can do this at home then you say yeah Frank is holding he's got a sort of comedy slightly musical expression well I'm listening to the phone is the idea yes and he's got a sort of comedy, slightly musical expression on him. Well, I'm listening to the phone, is the idea. And he's holding an iPad up to his phone. And it's quite effective. It is.

Yeah. That could be, I could fool a few people on the shortest man judging panel. Dom Jolly wouldn't be happy. No. Why? Oh, no, of course, he did the big phone thing. Oh, God, I'm not trying. That was pretty much all he did. I'm not trying. Oh, God, that's a bit harsh. He was in the jungle.

Oh, harsh but true. No, Korean War, I believe. Yeah, of course, all that shouting. He was a hazard on guerrilla raiding. You don't want somebody shouting, I'm on the phone and stuff like that. I think this week maybe we should not let the podcast end on a big bang,

but let it sort of dribble out like water going down a plug hole. Why not? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.