The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 21 Sep

Episode Date: September 21, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun reminisce about some spectacular argumets they've had with their partners of the past, before changing the subject to food, in particular big breakfasts.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello. It's not the weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner. I'm with Alan Cochran. And I'm with Emily Dean.

Such is the level of my humility. I didn't even use my jingle. It's the kind of guy I am. But Emily's fits like a comfortable glove now, doesn't it? It really does. I've heard that. Frank! Yes? Don't spoil my Martin McCutcheon moment. No. Which is what this is. What, you're going to start selling yoghurt?

I've got musicality. Ooh, those little cheeks have burst out. They just fit into a yoghurt carton. Gee, I bet you Martine McCutcheon could secure two yoghurt cartons on her face just by sort of smiling and getting those cheeks

up and round at the top. What do you think? It'd leave a suction-y ring when it was pulled off, wouldn't it? Yeah, but I'm alright with that. I don't mind. It'd look like Martine McCutcheon was being threatened by the Mysterons. Something which I've I think's always been on the cards. They're big fans of EastEnders, aren't they?

And they were upset about what happened to Tiffany. Was it Tiffany? Yes. Yeah. I haven't watched it for... Is it still on? It's still on, yeah. David Essex is in it now, isn't he?

No, I did... I turned it on once. I just said, here are all these ghastly people in this pub. It was horrible. Yeah, that's fairly... That's kind of what you get, though, isn't it? If I want ghastly people being miserable,

I'll just pop to Wetherspoons and come back. You can look in the mirror. Oh! Spoons and come back. You can look in the mirror. So I've been doing a bit of work this week. Still at it. Well done. And I've been recording a radio show.

What? But don't think for one second that I'm seeing someone else. There's not going to be a picture of Emily putting a bridle on a horse looking on the verge of tears like poor Zara. You're still going to be bothering with this. Oh God, I should say so. This is scripted.

I actually wrote some stuff down and then it's me and an actress doing it. So it doesn't have this free-form thing. He already sounds like he's got a greater respect for the new project. No, certainly not. Nothing. This will always...

You're always on my mind. You're always... With a comfortable old pair of slippers. Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, the cockerel's fairly new, though. He's like a very new slipper, and you're... Yeah. So you're limping.

We're limping through this. It's all got to be Heather Mills, this conversation. So, yeah, so I'm not blowing my own trumpet here. Not with my back. But I wrote... Every episode is an argument. That's this thing I've just done. It's for Radio 4.

I think we can say Radio 4. Oh, you said you had to write things for this. Yeah. Every episode is an argument. Yeah, but they need to be a bit more... They're not as much improvisation as me and Kath. And I miss them. Anyway, I could go on all day about this,

but it just made me, it's very weird having an argument, because there's me and Katherine Parkinson from the IT crowd, and we're having this argument in a recording studio, but I've written it. Right. And I had to write things like her getting one over on me, which goes so against my instincts in an argument, when I want to win every point.

You know, I want to win six love, six love, six love in an argument. Oh, really? Yeah. Preferably all on aces. But it just made me think, because I played it, the first episode, I played it to um my girlfriend and i said uh what do you think and i actually left her in a room to listen to it on her own in case the laugh count wasn't high enough and we'd have to split up yeah and she came back in and i was

tense i sat in the other room and my stomach was wasotted like one of Tony Hart's cravats on Vision On. And she came in and I said, what do you think? She said, I hated it. She did. And I said, oh, God. She did not say that. Yeah, she did say that. And I said, oh, because a lot of people have said it.

And she said, no, she said, if anyone says to me, Frank Skinner can't act, I shall say, no, that is exactly what he's like in arguments. And she'd got, she was quite off with it. She turned it into an argument. No, the argument that I was having, she said, and there's a couple of things that we've said in arguments. And so it led to a bit of an argument.

Oh, no. Oh, Frank. I had an argument about my written argument. We workshopped it accidentally. So it just got me thinking about some of what I would call some of my great... Some of your greatest hits. My greatest hits. I think me and Kath have what the most difficult argument we've ever had.

Usually we find them quite easy. We used to have, literally, I'd say the first three years we were together, no, no, six years we were together, we argued every day. Wow. And I remember us saying once, God, we haven't had an argument today, can you believe that?

And she said, well, that's because you've been in a good mood. And I said, oh, so it's my moods then to dictate the arguments we had an argument we had an argument about quarter to 12 we nearly nearly made it and it was like devon lock that you know the queen's racehorse when it collapsed just before the finishing line anyway we had what we were arguing we were next to the savoy in london on the strand and this argument started and we were next to the Savoy in London on the Strand and this argument started. And we were arguing so feverishly that we had to find a quiet side street because people were staring.

And we went into this side street behind the Savoy and it was really quite a nasty sort of... You know, Kath was talking about splitting up. I do like the fact that you chose a little location for your argument. Yeah, we had to move it. We had to bookmark it and go around to a quieter place where we could let rip. Like a mobile phone user. I'm in a busy street, you're going to have to hang on a second.

Exactly, it was like that. And so, but we were in this street arguing and Kath was very, you know, she was furious and tearful and I was really upset. She was talking about ending it. And I suddenly realised we were in the street where Bob Dylan filmed the Subterranean Homesick Blues video. And I thought, oh man, this is absolutely... So we had two things going on in my mind. One part of my brain is thinking that's exactly where Allen Ginsberg stood. I thought, oh, man, this is absolutely... So I had two things going on in my mind.

One part of my brain is thinking, that's exactly where Allen Ginsberg stood. I don't know if you're familiar with this. It's the one where Bob Dylan holds up a series of placards with words on. It's a very famous video. Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. He's holding up things.

And we were there, and part of me was thinking, oh, man, I'm basically, I'm about six foot. And I moved. I slightly edged the argument along the street so I could stand where Dylan was. Kat didn't know anything about this. I didn't have the courage to tell her for about three weeks later. Oh, I'm glad.

She has been told since. She has been told since. She has been told, yeah. She said, I hate Bob Dylan. We had another argument. I took her to see Bob Dylan once and as we left she said to me, we hadn't even got out people were listening and she said

never take me to see Bob Dylan again. I thought you don't have to establish that now. It'll be like me saying, oh, Bob Dylan's coming to town. We can have that conversation then. But she laid the law down immediately. Well, Frank, I have to say, you're not alone, my friend. No.

You're never alone in an argument. I've had some big ones in my time. Yes. But let's stick to the matter in hand. There was one time I was so angry, an ex-boyfriend of mine, he came in, he was drunk. He wasn't just drunk, he was sort of staggering around drunk in a really unpleasant way. What do they call in Scotland, steaming?

He was steaming. He was very steaming, yeah. Excellent. And he sort of tripped. I used tootland steaming he was steaming he was very steaming yeah excellent and he sort of tricked i used to wake up steaming when i got drunk if the bedroom was cold well that's what i was worried about frank well yeah who wouldn't be i don't want that next to me i really don't want that next to me no so i did what i think was absolutely the right thing to do i said you can't sleep in here tonight not you're not in your condition were you living together at the time was it yeah well i'd i'm wormed my way in at that point so it was his place yeah yeah it was his bed oh this makes it a bit i noticed you left this detail out i know

because it makes me sound unreasonable yeah so i said you were the cuckoo in the nest well yeah i said um i said you're not sleeping in this bed, not in that state. So we had quite a row about that. And he did bring up the fact that it was his apartment. His bed. So after a while, he did. He relented in the end. He was so drunk.

You know when they're too drunk to put up a fight. Yeah. So I said, you are allowed to sleep in there. You're not even allowed. I don't even want you to use the sheets. Because I was worried you'd allowed to sleep in there. You're not even allowed. I don't even want you to use the sheets because I was worried you'd be sick on the sheets. So he was allowed a Superman towel. That was to cover his body.

He was allowed one towel. Yeah. He didn't like that very much. But he put up with that. Well, he did, although he made me pay for it the next day. Oh. I hate it when they make you pay for it. They're my least favorite girlfriends oh what a superman towel that's a nice detail yeah i like any drunken yarn that involves the

man of steel yeah what era yes but what era was the towel it was just some cheap, terrible thing. I can't remember. How ghastly. Don't you like it, though, Frank, when you're in a social situation, if you had this with Kath, and you're having a row, much like your situation, but when you're at a dinner party or at a friend's drinks party, and you turn up and you're still rowing in the car,

and then you're forced to conduct yourselves in a civil fashion. But I am amazed at both of us how quickly we can turn it round. We can be in the car absolutely vile. I mean like tigers fighting and then

turn up the door. Hello, where are you? Not a hint. Not a hint. There'll always be about two hours into the party Cath will say, of course when we arrive we're having a terrible row Not a hint. Although there'll always be about two hours into the party, Kath will say, of course, when we arrive, we're having a terrible row in the car. And that's her way of telling me, I haven't forgot about that. If you're thinking, oh, the car journey's going to be OK on the way home

because Kath's looking like she's completely gone over it, that's her way of saying, oh, no, don't worry. Part two to come. Are you a rower? Not massively, but at the same time, we're not those annoying couples that say, oh, we never row. We have a healthy amount of verbal debate, I would say.

But I just quite like the tiniest things that set it off. Like, we get on really well. How often would you say you're a rower? How many rows a year? Oh, not many at all. Really? Oh, he's one of those. Not many.

How many? Give me a figure. I couldn't put a ballpark on it. Maybe two? Double figures? Oh, God, not double figures. Not double figures in a year? No. Three?

I mean... I'm going five. It doesn't help that... Five? Like, when my wife is annoyed, I often find it funny, so I don't even consider it around, because I just think it's... Like, recently, I think this was July, we changed car. My wife drove the car to Morrison's to do the food shop,

and unbeknownst to her, she phoned me up going mad, because we have, you know the little key rings that you have that's got a disc that's a fake pound for the shopping trolleys of the supermarket? I've never seen that. Oh, well, I can show you it. I've got my car key with me. I'll show you after. Are they legal? I think they are, yeah.

You get it back at the end. I wasn't on the verge of a citizen's arrest. Mike says Alan on it. A-L-A-N. I don't like the way he skirts around on the underbelly of society, the cock roll. Anyway. I hadn't put my old car key key ring on the new car key and she gets to Morrison's without her own pound and hasn't got the pound for the disc.

The fake pound. So I have to spend the pound? No, just had to go and get changed from the corner shop. Phoned me up. I've had to go and get change, there isn't... And I just found it funny. Are you really phoning me about the pound coin for the Morrison's trolley? And occasionally we've had a bit of a round

because I am a man who can break wind. I really can. Oh, no. I really can. Oh, no, let me check the absolute manual. I can do it on a long car journey, which is, it's a bit like being trapped, isn't it? It's horrible.

When you say it's a bit like being trapped, it is being trapped. It is like being trapped, yeah, yeah. You're now taking a tone that I recognise. There's no bit like being. I recognise this tone very well. I can see Mrs Cockrell. I've actually got my arms folded. Mrs Cockrell out the passenger window trying to get onto the roof rack.

I find it very funny, though. I find this very funny. Do you? The worst one was where she genuinely said to me, I mean this seriously, I think you need medical attention. Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm not happy on this topic. There's nothing worse than when you're angry,

somebody else finding it hysterical, isn't there? It happens to me every day of my life. Oh, I could not have been more proud. I was practically phoning my brothers at the time, near enough to say... Tom, you're brave. You're very brave. ...near enough to say, oh, you won't believe this.

We'd have been on the hard shoulder. Kath would have been out. She'd have been storming off down the hard shoulder. She would have. Yeah, no question. I went out with a woman once, and we had an argument in the West End of London. And I was in a play at the time called Art at the Wyndham's Theatre,

and all the cast and the crew, we used to go for a drink after at this pub, and then this woman turned up, and they knew we were having problems, me and her. So we went outside. I remember we were having a massive row in the middle. I mean, it was about half eleven at night in the West End, maybe eleven o'clock, and there was loads of people around.

I wasn't bothered about the... This was pre-Twitter. And I just let fly and she let fly and i remember looking across and and the whole of the crew and the cast were looking through the window their faces against the window and we were arguing and arguing and a homeless man came up and interrupted and said all right frank i said i'm having a really serious conversation. He said, if I can levitate, will you give me 50 pence? It was a big relationship ending row. And I said, no.

He said, now look, and he started doing this, like a trick you can do where you raise one foot. And he did a really good version. He honestly did look like a hovering homeless. And so I'm arguing with her. Without looking away from her, I'm reaching out, handing him 50 pence. And then we're near a place called Jay Sheeky's. It was quite a posh fish restaurant. And the doors of that open and a man comes out pushing a wheelchair

with Princess Margaret in it. Or should I say, the Princess Margaret, I think is her official thing. And I'd recently done a joke about her on the telly, because I don't know if you remember, she got into the bath... I remember, it was one of my favourite jokes. ..and she burnt her feet. And I said, how do you burn both your feet doing that? You know, you put one foot in...

And then you put the other foot in. Doesn't make any sense. But she came past on the wheelchair and her feet were still heavily bandaged. So it was like one of my jokes was going past on wheels. It was... Meanwhile, I'm splitting up. There's a levitating homeless Princess Mark.

I mean, it was... It was bizarre. It sounds bizarre. Mark. I mean, it was bizarre. It sounds bizarre. Yeah. That one sticks in the memory. And then there was New Year's Eve in Grenada. Oh, that was a terrible row. What was that?

It was me and this woman, we went out. We were on holiday in Grenada. And you know when it gets up to New Year's Eve and people go, ten, nine, ten, we were fine. By six, we'd split. And I'd said to her, can you look like you're enjoying yourself? What do you mean?

And she ran off and we were next to what was basically jungle and it was midnight, well, obviously it was midnight, and she ran off. There was wild animals and things in there. I don know i mean not like lions but you know scary stuff and she ran off just into the dark completely dark jungle she's never been seen since no well she was you know i followed her some of the way but then it got too frightening and uh i had to come back for a non-alcoholic cocktail but she did return just in like a bear skin that she'd made herself what a bear was doing in Grenada, right?

I don't know no, but that was you don't want it's not the best way to start the year because I'm quite superstitious about New Year's Eve a way to avoid that, Frank is don't raise issues on the count of seven. No, I'll never do...

Maybe 15 or 12. Start a bit earlier and you'll have a bit more time. You know, it was one of those... Give yourself a comfort zone to make up. It was a bit like the, you know, it was nearly midnight thing. I mean, not that we hadn't had any arguments that year. We'd had about four million. But I didn't think we'd squeeze one more in.

To Ronny, you know, how did the argument go? Oh, she ran off into the jungle at midnight. I mean, other than Tarzan, or possibly the Phantom, the ghost who walks, I can't imagine anyone else ever saying that. So, Frank, would you like to hear about The Big Feast, I'm calling it? This is a bit like the beginning of that folk song about the Lambton worm. Gather a rune, I'll tell you about the worm.

Ross Nobles walked into the studio. This is about, this is Stephen Magee from Northampton. I'm giving you all the deets first. I hate people who say deets. Give us the deets. Yeah. This is the man. He's the first person to conquer what they were calling the country's biggest fry-up.

Certainly the most calorific. 7,500 calories. I don't know what that means. You don't know what that means? What would a Mars bar be? Trust me, I know what that means. Okay. A Mars bar would be at 100, say?

Oh, God! You have no idea! What is a Mars bar, then? Go on. A Mars bar, I would say at least 350. Really? Blimey. Didn't know that. I'll just let that sink in. I suppose in order to help you work, rest and play,

it's going to be like 128. A small packet of chocolate buttons, on the other hand, about 140. Is that correct? Oh, this is great. This is like... If you ever need...

I know all calories. I know all calorie counts. The advice for a man is about 2,500 a day, isn't it? Yeah. So this guy, Frank, he had 7,500 calories. Trust me, that's a lot. Yeah. It was at the Hungry Hossie Cafe in North Anse. Hungry Hossie? Right, Frank, he had 7,500 calories. Trust me, that's a lot. Yeah? Yeah.

It was at the Hungry Hossy Cafe in North Ants. Hungry Hossy? Yeah, that's what it was called. OK. Well, what it contained in it, it had three sausages, three beef burgers, three rashers of bacon, three square sausages. I like the rule of three.

Three slices of black pudding, three portions of mushroom. I mean, if you see a picture of it, it actually looks pretty disgusting. Well, I have seen a picture. I looked at the Daily Mail website, and what I didn't like about it is there was so much, apart from what you expect from a breakfast, it was piled high with bread and potato waffles, which I have to say didn't look at all versatile in the picture. They look like they're quite limited in what you could do with them.

Yeah. I don't mind a potato waffle. I wouldn't have wanted all that bread and toast. No, who needs that in their life? Put them on the side and give me the rest and I'll have a go at it. But I suppose the deal is you have to finish the whole... Well, yeah, because 60 people have tried this before and they've all failed, apparently.

Losers! Yeah, because they didn't actually finish it. And they installed a camera. They went to the expense of installing a camera in the kitchen. They sound rather petty, these people. Glotten cam. To see if he'd finished it all. Why didn't they just stand out front?

It took him an hour and 20 minutes. I know quite a lot about this story. It took him an hour and 20 minutes. I know quite a lot about this story. It took him an hour and 20 minutes and he got a 12 quid breakfast free. I don't know how valuable this man's time is. Also, if there's no time limit, could I have took a day over it? Yeah.

Well, yeah, but what I would say... It would have worked out at a 12 quid day, though, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's true. I don't know. Can you imagine, though? I don't know if you're familiar with the work of BFM, Alan. Britain's Fattest Man. Yes, friend of the show.

He, this is nothing to him. He'd laugh in the face of this. This is Atkins for him. This is like a day off. Well, I don't know if he'd do it all in one go, though. Oh, he would. He'd have 40 packets of crisps, man. Yeah, but I think he has his crisps on a

drip. Are you suggesting he grazes? His biggest problem would be getting to the cafe, because isn't he bed-bound? He's got a mobility scooter now. I think his upper arms have grazes, where they're dragged on the pavement. Well, there used to be a... Opposite Langley

Baths, where I lived, there was a cafe called the El Toro. And they used to have a thing there called the He-Man's Breakfast. Really? Which I only, Taffy Jeff I remember, he had two once, which

we could not believe that. The He-Man's Breakfast, they had a thing called the She-Man's Breakfast as well, where they didn't advertise sausage, but when you got there, it was a surprise. Oh, God. But it was... I got nowhere near it. I just...

I would be the worst person in the world. I could never... I ordered a He-Man's, but I finished about two-thirds tops. It's really... I don't even eat fry-ups at all now. Really? I used to be a porridge-ups at all now. Really? I used to be a porridge every day, man,

but I've recently, just this last ten days, I've switched to All Brown. Is that right, Frank? I had All Brown this morning. That's not a warning. I'm just telling you that it's, yeah, I've decided it's that time of life where I need to think about those kind of things.

Hit the fibre. Yeah, so I had a look. When I got All Brand, I was just making sure it was, because sometimes things sell themselves as healthy, and when you look at the content, a bit dubious. So I looked at the box of All Brand, and on the contents it said 87% brand. No. And I thought, well, this is an interesting interpretation

of the word all. Well, exactly. In what way is that all? What is that 13%? Yeah, what is it? Some of it was, well, there were big Latin words I hadn't heard of. Oh, right.

And bacon. Which I think that should be on the cover. There should be a rasher lying across the Albra. You see, when we do the morning show, you may be aware, obviously you're aware, Frank, but I always say I favour the California breakfast, which is a yoghurt with honey and banana. And I've actually, I think it's slightly irritated you because I've managed to convert everyone on this team

over to that California breakfast. Well, when the cockerel arrived, I thought, at last, some northern common sense. And I thought, he'll probably arrive with bacon sandwiches in greaseproof paper. Well, we get in too early. arrive with bacon sandwiches in greaseproof paper. Well, we get into it.

There's nowhere open for such. Yeah, but when I saw you having a Californian breakfast week two. Of course, that was before I knew you were Andy the Asthmatic. I didn't know you actually. Jason the Asthmatic. They should have gone for Andy. I like the iteration in asthmatic.

Wasn't a children's story. Yeah. Did you actually have to... Did you have to do it again? Oh, yeah, yeah. I went right into it. Oh, so it's you who's been phoning me. Alan appeared in A&E.

Yeah, in case you don't know. Yeah. As Jason the Asthmatic. If you didn't hear the last podcast. But it's all coming out now, see, because I thought, oh, he's a real, you know, he's a dour, up and down northerner. Turns out he went to drama school as an actor.

Oh, yeah, it's all coming out now. He eats yoghurt and fruits with honey sprinkled on it. He started telling me, I was talking about eating nuts, and he said they were the right kind of fat, he said to me. That's true, that's true. I mean, I would talking about eating nuts and he said they were the right kind of fat, he said to me. It's true, that's true. I mean, I would have had all else. To be honest, at that time of the day, I'll eat anything because I'm a hungry boy

and I know I shouldn't. There's a bit of my brain that when reading this about this biggest breakfast guy, there's a bit of my brain going, oh, that's terrible and oh, how awful and indulgent of the Western world. And there's another bit of my brain going, good lad go on it's the part of you thinking i could do that yeah other than the toast i don't eat a lot of bread i try not to it makes me glum but uh is that right yeah

what you want at the moment three lads a day i can get very grumpy he gets a churchill um black or red dog don't you i try and avoid the black dog when I have too much toast. I've never heard of anyone getting glum on bread before. Hang about with me and have a few rounds of toast. I'll be very miserable. As I said, I read... Oh, sorry, carry on. I was very pleased to see that there's flat sausage on his breakfast. Yeah, I noticed that.

What is flat sausage? I understand that seems like an obvious question. I think it was a Scottish thing. It is quite a Scottish thing, so it's surprising that it's on that menu. But they call it lawn sausage or flat sausage in Scotland, don't they? Is it like a burger? It's like a sausage patty, yeah.

But rectangular? Yeah. Square or rectangular. Oh, it can be square? No, we'll go with rectangular if you've had your set square. Let's call it an oblong. Yeah, if you have a Scottish breakfast, often you'll get sausage, as with no sausage,

and then these flat sausages, just as an excuse for some extra meat. Yeah, but I noticed that. I also, as I said, I looked at this on the Daily Mail website, and there's one comment at the bottom of all of them that just said, how irresponsible. And I thought, actually, that is what the thing to say about this story. You could talk about it forever, but really, how irresponsible. We should just point out that Stephen Magee, who did it,

he's not a giant man. He doesn't look enormous. Can I say, I really thought you were going to say, we should point out that you shouldn't try this at home. I thought it was going to be one of those very serious moments. He has got one of those very greasy Caesar crops, though. Oh, I don't think he looks bad. Well, he probably exudes grease now for the next two or three weeks.

That picture has taken halfway through it. He's already oily. If he worked his hair up into a point, he'd provide candlelight for probably a fortnight. He's got a touch of the Andy Circus about him, hasn't he? He'll need a three ring circus after that lot.

I'd have a go at it though. I wouldn't be shy about eating that. Well, maybe we can get one in and Cockroach can get into it. The taste section of the show. This week it was crisps. Yeah, this week the Cockroach will eat a super breakfast. Got busting fry up. Yeah, absolutely.

Are you going to be putting some money into the fund to save Roald Dahl's shed? Oh, yeah. His dream factory, they're calling it. Let me think about my charitable donation priorities. OK. No. No, I'm not.

No. They only need half a million quid. Yeah. The family have put some in, apparently. Need is a strong word there, though, isn't it? They want half a million quid for it. Jamie Cullum's got a few, Bob, surely. He was nice, him. We met him at the Sony's, Alan. Yes, Jamie Cullum's got a shed, I think. I think

there's two sheds. He comes out of one shed when the weather's bad, and a model of a little lady comes out when the weather's good. I think that's how it works. I don't think Sophie Dahl's involved. Is that like a cuckoo clock or something? I think that's how it works. I don't think Sophie Dahl's involved. Is that like a cuckoo clock or something? It's a weather house. Have you ever had one of those? No, I haven't. I imagine Sophie's quite sneering about it. She's been appealing, hasn't she?

She has for years. Big or small, still looks great. That's how I feel. I find her appealing. She said they need to save the shed because it's in a state of acute disrepair. Yeah. And it's been left.

Wasn't that fascinating? Did you see the pictures? It's been left exactly, well, when he died, really. It had, in the shed, there was still old fag ends in there. His hip bone from his hip replacement. Oh, I loved that. He kept that. Using an ashtray, apparently.

A jar of his spinal shavings. And there was another hip bone from the one that actually was first replaced, because I think he had two, and it was wedged in a drawer. I love that. I love anything being used in a makeshift way. I get quite excited about it. Well, where do you get spinal shavings from? I don't know

Because I did notice with some excitement that he had an electric pencil sharpener and when I watched the feature on the One Show I thought I'm getting one of them because I've got one of those that clamps to the desk that you see at school and turn the handle so I'm a big fan of the

pencil as you know. You love a pencil shop. And then I saw this electric one and I thought, well, I wouldn't mind one of them in my own writing room. I'm thinking of maybe buying a stuffed boxer dog and incorporating the electric pencil sharpener into that. What do you think? I mean, it'll be a talking point if anyone comes into your office.

Well, exactly. I'm just saying, hold on, will I make a note of that? And they go, oh, whoa. Whoa. I like Frank. He also, he had an abscess. I don't like that he had an abscess. It's not my favourite thing about Roald Dahl.

No. But what was interesting it makes the heart grow fonder thank you he had cut a hole, rather than remove the abscess he'd cut a hole into the back of the chair in order to accommodate you're joking

I'm not joking, it was pretty big apparently yeah, it was a big old sore it was an abscess slash saw. Sticking out of his lower back. I'm going off. I'm going off the shed. I didn't think we'd have to squeegee out pus before we could let the public in.

Well, where I write, I have a shaving mirror set up just for pimples. No, I don't. You've all looked a bit too serious. Do you have a... See, I have a little office in Covent Garden where I go to write. Right, I have an office in our house

and I even bought a nice desk for it out of some money that I was left by my late grandmother. Lovely. Not written a single thing on that desk. I've written loads on trains and buses and just travelling about. Is that all right?

Nothing, nothing. On my desk I've got two, a Wile E. Coyote, a model of Wile E. Coyote, and a little model of Tintin. Oh, yeah. I thought determination and courage, that's what you need, you know, for writing jokes. I think you'll agree with that. It's not what people think of. You know, the emergency services can's what you need, you know, writing jokes. I think you'll agree with that. It's not what people think of.

You know, the emergency services can claim what they like, but I think when you're writing jokes, that's what you need. So I have that, and I have on the wall, I've got one or two famous comedians to inspire me. I've got Laurel and Hardy, Max Miller, signed photo of Charlie Chapman. Great. Really? Max Miller, signed photo signed photo of Charlie Chapman Great And a waxwork waxwork

Jimmy Carr life size Or is it Jimmy Carr? It's very hard to tell the difference As it happens I've got a Laurel and Hardy pencil pot like you know a little holder that my mum got me Lovely

for my office as it were my car has become a sort of a like my shed is that you said oh really yeah because men like a little den sort of shed area don't yeah and i've got when i drive um to the football and stuff which takes me like a couple of hours a couple of two and a half hours say i get me you know my audio book and i'll get me sweets in the central bit. But, you know, just behind the gear change thing, I like a bag of Skittles.

Oh, do you? Family size? I don't know, really. I need to establish exactly what the size is. About that big? Okay. I'd say you're looking, in that whole packet, probably about 480.

Oh, I can't believe that. No? Trust me, there will be. A bit of a calorific dispute on the skid. Voice of controversy, haven't you? Yeah, so I've got, at the moment, I've got audiobook of The Wasp Factory. Oh.

And, you know, full tank, plenty of suites, nice audiobook. I mean, it's an absolute... I'm thinking of maybe getting a little paraffinator in there And, you know, full tank, plenty of suites, nice audio book. I mean, it's an absolute... I'm thinking of maybe getting a little paraffinator in there and a vice. What do you reckon? No, but it is, I get very cosy on the motorway. Yeah. Which is surprising, you know, between 110, 120 miles an hour.

Still speeding then. No, can I point out to anyone listening that obviously it was a... out. Still speeding then. Can I point out to anyone listening that obviously it was a... Exaggeration. Exaggeration. And that was a genuine cough, not a comedy sitcom cough. No, definitely not. But Roald Dahl apparently didn't use

drawing pins. He had pictures of his family up that he stuck into the... Not with stuff from his abscess. No. He had pictures of his family up that he stuck into the polystyrene. Oh, not with stuff from his abscess. No, he did it with bent out paper clips, which is weird, because I have a thing on my cork board where I stick it in with clippings of my big toenail. You are not serious. But it does mean that I can only put up about four pictures a year. I have to wait.

It takes a good six months to grow a toenail to whack it in. But give it 20 years. Yeah. It'd be quite the collage. Yeah. That's going to look like coral growing on the bottom of an oil rig. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.