The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast (21/04/10)

Episode Date: April 21, 2010

Frank, Gareth and Emily get round to discussing all the things they didn't have time for during the show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. SRB. SRB. A sausage and a roll in a box for me.

A bit toppy there. Box for me. A bit toppy. Box for me. Box for me. Welcome to the Frank Skinner Not The Weekend podcast with me and Emily and Gareth. Not the weekend! Not, not, not the weekend! Yeah, there you go. I actually had to scratch him to get to that.

I quite liked him when he said that. He's quite sexy. That's never, ever been said, I think, of Gareth before. No, never. Not on this show. No. Not even by Laura. What, Laura, your good lady wife? I say, so do you think I'm sexy? And she sort of retches.

No, that's because you say, do you think I'm sexy? And you sort of do that bomb waggling thing that you do. I hate it when you do that. That's repulsive. Yeah, repulsive. I was thinking repulsive, but I thought I'll hold that back because I'm going to hurt his feelings. But God bless you.

You recognise your repulsivity. I say what people are thinking. And you aired it. Yeah. We had we had a email, that's what they're called isn't it? Well we did. I'm going to call you email-y. If you're going to read that out.

You see that was so email-y. That could be a feature. This email is from Nick Spevick, and he says he was walking around in Highgate yesterday. Oh, my kind of man, Nick. Highgate is an area of North London. Beautiful area.

Famous for the Highgate Cemetery, where Karl Marx, the writer of the Communist Manifesto, slumbers forever. That was Radio 4. Now we need to mention all the other political manifestos and papers that have been written. No, we're all right. I don't think he's a candidate in this.

Well, do you want to know what happened? That was the political chit-chat on Radio 4. Now, the book of bedtime. Professor Stephen Hawking reads Stig of the Dump. Stig of the Dump. We're off. People now who are just tuning in, I know you don't really do that on the podcast,

are thinking, oh, I wanted to hear that. It's gone, I've lost, I've lost. I've lost. His box must have... It was just emerging. Must be a short circuit in the old speaker machine. Maybe I could get it on iTunes. Do you want to hear this email or not?

Yes, I want to hear the email more than I want. Life! Ooh, life. So Nick was looking at some ads in a local estate agent's in Highgate. Oh, good luck with that, Nick. When a beautiful and grand property grabs my attention. One of those with a blue plaque above the door. Blue plaque.

OK, sure, it's a little above my budget. But who once lived there? None other than a certain A.E. Houseman. Well. You fool! Did you think that it's because it's not the midweek podcast that that rule doesn't apply? Absolutely.

They're everywhere. Hounding, hounding people. A.E. Houseman lived in Highgate. In Highgate, yeah. Brilliant. Letounding, hounding people. A houseman lived in Highgate. In Highgate, yeah. Brilliant. Let's go check it out. Let's go look at his crib. I've often said that we should have a poetry slot on this.

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. Could we go outside broadcast? We could walk around Highgate and see the poets' houses and record it live. Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to pay for that. Frank's going to have to shell out. Some sort of OB. Yeah, the trouble is, there's a lot of quite old people living in Highgate. And if you let off one of those airwaves...

How dare you? If you let off an airwaves siren there, they're going to be absolutely petrified. They'll be out into the garden looking for the Nissenhut. Nissenhut? Nissenhut is an old Swedish friend of mine. Absolutely petrified. They'll be out into the garden looking for the Nissan hut. Nissan hut? Nissan hut is an old Swedish friend of mine. Looking for the Nissan hut that disappeared 60 years ago. What did you say? I didn't know Nissan made huts.

Hooties, they call them, the people that... Oh. Now, what have you been banging on about the World Cup, Frank? Oh, the World Cup, yeah. Well, I've been a little bit edgy. You may know that David Baddiel and I are going to the World Cup for Absolute Radio. We're actually... Emily, who is our...

She's not called Emily. You're called Emily, aren't you? Oh, my God. I've made one of those from the past. Like when you call out the name of the wrong woman during an act of intimacy. You know when that happens? Emma. Emma, our producer's name.

Emma, that's what she's called. And that's Gavin. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? The northern one in the shore. Well, we're all going out to South Africa and people have been saying to me,

you know, you'll get killed in Johannesburg and all that, which I'm getting very, very sick of. But I thought Cape Town was very, very lovely. And then I read in the papers this week that there's been a warning to tourists in Cape Town because of rampaging baboons. Oh. And the local baboons, for some reason,

have got particularly aggressive, and they've been attacking people in packs. I don't know if pack is the collective noun for baboons, for some reason, have got particularly aggressive. And they've been attacking people in packs. I don't know if pack is the collective noun for baboons. I'm not sure. But that is quite terrifying. Oh, I don't know. You could befriend one. One you could befriend.

30. Because they egg each other on, I find, baboons. They're all right on their own. They'll sit and chat quietly. You get a few of them, you know, they get a bit operty. I quite like the idea of them, like, clambering all over the wags, cars, though. I'd enjoy that. I don't want them on my car, but I don't want them clambering on me.

I don't want the idea of one of those red bombs against my clothing. You once had a very profound moment with a gorilla. It was actually a chimpanzee. Oh, it was a chimpanzee, yeah. Gorillas I find a bit surly. I once stared at a chimpanzee at, you probably know Monkey World, which is a

sort of chimp sanctuary in Dorset. And they keep them in a little, when they first get in, they're in like an incubation area. And he came to the window and I looked at him. I looked into his big brown eyes. They all seemed to have brown eyes. I think a chimpanzee with blue eyes would look beautiful.

You don't see many blonde chimps, do you? No, but they wouldn't have. Perhaps Scandinavians probably pack with them. So he stared at me. We were just looking at each other for so long. I mean, our faces, there was a plate of glass, but our faces were about five inches apart. People came to look at us looking at each other for so long. I mean, our faces, there was a plate of glass, but our faces were about five inches apart. People came to look at us looking at each other.

It was like the missing link. Oh, I love it. It was a really spectacular thing. You and your chimp friend. Very, very odd. And two days later, I found myself casually peeling a banana with my feet. I think I may have been hypnotised.

I think it was some sort of chimpanzee Paul McKenna type figure. Probably helped me stop having smoke since then, either. So, you know, that's a good sign. But I tell you what, there's a thing in last weekend, the SON. Yeah. I have it with me, actually. Oh. And it's brilliant news, this.

England are going to win the World Cup. Really? Yes. You may... That'll be more money for you. Listen, this is the newspaper. Don't you think that that's something from the BBC Radio workshop that says newspapers, Sam?

This is a real thing. Anyway, it says in here that there's so many coincidences that it's become apparent that England are going to win the World Cup because we won it in 66, so we're going to win it in 2010. This is some of the pretty, I'd say, pretty convincing evidence. First of all, there was a general election in 1966. There's also one in 2010. 2010.

That's spooky. Also, there was a new Doctor Who in 1966. Wow, which one was it? Patrick Troughton. Oh, he was hunky. But that, you can see now, the evidence is building up. It's everywhere. I'm going to give you, this is one of my favourites.

In 1966 in South Africa, the white architect of apartheid, Hendrik Wehrbord, was knifed to death. In 2010, South African white supremacist, Eugene Terrablanche, was knifed and beaten to death. If that isn't a certainty England's going to win the World Cup, I don't know what is. And a very happy coincidence. Yeah, when Terra Blanche went, I said to myself, they might as well clear a space in the trophy cabinet. And there's one last one.

The opening of Parliament was first televised in 1966. Thursday night saw the first TV debate between prime ministerial candidates. I think that is quite amazing. To me, this is the sort of thing that if Arthur C. Clarke was still alive, this would be on one of his shows about the supernatural happenings of the world. So, to me, it's in the bag.

Aren't they searching for the perfect chance or something? The perfect chance? Oh, boffins. I love a boffin. Oh, boffins. I love a boffin. Yeah, boffins are... They're trying to find the perfect football chant, the one that sort of, you know, it's a very interesting art, the football chant. Well, you should know.

No, but it is. Martin Carthy, the English folk singer, said that really it's the closest thing to the folk song because folk songs, they used to use's the closest thing to the folk song. Because folk songs, they used to use the same tunes over and over again, but they'd write them about topical things that had happened and all sing them together. And so that's what football chants do. There's nothing else quite like it.

I know loads of football chants. Do you? I love them, yeah. Let's talk about sesk, baby. Let's talk about flamini. Don't you know that one? Everyone knows it. No, we don't sing that at West Br about flamini. Don't you know that one? Everyone knows it. No, we don't sing that at West Bromwich Albion.

What do you sing? There is one I've always very much liked, which is that we will follow the Albion over land and sea and water. And it's one of those when you see something in brackets and you think, do we need that? I've always presumed it must mean fresh water as well as salty water. There was another one I very much liked. We were at Port Vale and a sudden snowstorm.

I mean, literally out of the blue, I suppose. A snowstorm came out of nowhere and the Albion fans started going, orange ball, orange ball, orange ball. And they knew, and out it came to an enormous cheer. I like that one, Blame It On A Buoy, which is to the sound of Blame It On The Boogie. Do you only know Arsenal, Chance? Yes, I used to go to Arsenal a lot, and there endeth the lesson. Do we have any other communication?

We do. We have one from James Smith who's aged 14. I like it when the young ones text and email in. It's a difficult age, isn't it? He says, thank you Frank, Gareth and Emily, you've brightened up so many boring trips and days out with my family.

Oh, it's damning with faint praise. I like the idea of him walking around a safari park with his iPod in, just listening to us. Just a bit sulky, the way 14-year-olds are. He says...

Come on, why don't you come and look at the animals? Sure, Mum! Just listening to us. He says, I love Frank. Oh. The NIA Live was amazing. Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Yeah, actually, the NIA Live gig is a bit rude for a 14-year-old. OK, don't watch that, James. I love Gareth. I think you are the most awesome person ever. Wow. Oh. Hold on.

The most awesome person ever? I don't think that's correct, is it? I mean, no disrespect to you, but surely you're not the most awesome person ever. Really? Well, what about Gandhi? Should we give him some... What about Gandhi?

Barpu, as we called him. Okay, Gandhi. What about Barpu? Okay, I'll give you Gandhi. Okay. Will you give me Gandhi? Who else is more awesome than me? I think Gandhi's pretty well.

Should we give some recommendations of other awesome people? Okay, I'm sticking with Gandhi. Okay, you... Let's put him on the top shelf. Okay, look up these people, James. Is it James? Gandhi. His name's James Smith and he's 14 and he's from London.

Okay, check out Bill Hicks. He's pretty awesome. He's got a list of loads of people now. Bob Dylan. Oh, he's dreadful. He's awesome. He's like one of my old aunts. Probably says more about your aunts.

And Jesus, maybe Jesus Christ. Check him out. Okay. Well, there you go. There's our three recommendations. That's all I could think of who were more awesome than me. From Gareth. Yeah.

So who are you going for, Emily? Who should he check out? Well, he should check out Emily Dean because James says, I think you're brilliant. So there you go. It's good that we've got a compliment each. You don't have anyone you want to introduce him to to mould him into a better human being. Well, my person would be Alan Bennett

because he's my hero. Okay. I'm going to go Lindsay Dawn Mackenzie. I think that sort of should have everything then. He'll have everything from titillation to spirituality. And it's a fabulous road to travel. I wish I was 14 again.

I doubt that'll come true, that wish. Can I point that out? I can't imagine any way. Well, it hasn't happened so far, I don't think. I imagine, I mean, is God going to reach across and press some rewind button and I'm suddenly going to spin backwards in a great flurry of flares and school uniforms? No.

I don't think God grants a lot of wishes. Does he not? No, I think that's fair reason. Oh, no, I'm thinking of Jimmy Savile. Oh, that's right. He's the wish granter. Oh, yeah, I know there's somebody with blonde hair. Talking of lovely children, let me tell you what my niece did this week.

So I was watching What Katie Did, because that's how I like to spend my quality time with my niece. That's Mimi, who's a friend of the show, and she's eight. Mimi, I should say, is named after Emily. No, she's not. Me, me. And Mimi... How old is Mimi?

She's eight. Okay. And as we were watching What Katie did, that Katie Price series, she turned around to my sister and she went, Oh, Mummy, why can't you look more like that? Oh, wow. What, to look more like... Katie Price.

Is that what eight-year-olds see as the perfect... And my sister said, You don't want to look like that. And she went, Oh, why? Did she? Well, want to look like that. And she went, oh, why? Did she? Well, she already sounds like her. And my sister said, because everyone will think you're a silly billy when you walk into a room, which I thought was a very good explanation. It is true.

I mean, how often have you heard Katie Price referred to as a silly billy in the press? It's stop with her, that tag, that silly Billy tag. But I thought that's who most kids kind of aspire to looking like now. Not 14-year-old boys. That's all about the gowag. It's all about what? The gowag. Sorry, that's what my brothers call me.

My brothers call me gowag. How do we need to know that? Sorry, I'm sorry we let you down there. We're a bit slow on the up brothers call me Gawag. How are we to know that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry we let you down there. We're a bit slow on the uptake. The Gawag? Some sort of area of Wales? Well, if we'd known that we'd refer to... Well, I think we should stick

with calling you the Gawag in future. Not the Gawag. The Gawag. Gawain we'll call you. Gawag. The Gawag. Well, don't say it again. Not the Gawag, the Gawag. Gawain, we'll call you. Gawag. The Gawag. Well, don't say it again. Like, not the Gawag, the Gawag. Don't keep saying it.

It sounds like you're having a fit. And also, like, we should be really familiar with it. Why should we know? Gawag. Gawag. Stop it. Gawag. Not the Gawag.

Oh, dear. Anyway, look, I want to talk about the severed arm. I don't want to... We can't have a podcast without a severed arm anecdote. Well, I wouldn't be right. Well, this is about a great-grandmother who was in a car crash and had to have her arm amputated. That's not the funny part.

No, that's not funny. That's obviously very sad. She had to have her arm amputated and it was put in the incinerator, as they do with the limbs. Is that what they do? Yeah, they put them, they incinerate them. Oh, I'd... It seems a bit of a waste, doesn't it?

I think I'd have one, I'd keep it in the car for signalling. Because sometimes if you want to turn left, you can't reach the passenger window. You could have it fitted onto a sort of indicator thing. Anyway, carry on. You could have it sticking out the boots if it was. This, so she... They're all severed

limbs, Bert. That's what they do with them at hospitals. I think so, yeah. I think that they put them in the incinerator. I don't know. I'll have to sleep with the doctor and then I'll tell you. Well, I live quite near a hospital and there is a chimney there where occasionally quite black smoke comes out and now I'm thinking

that that might be... Wouldn't it be fabulous if a sort of arm cloud floored all the aeroplanes? Hmm. Yeah, OK. Sort of hailed the aeroplanes. Yeah, it would be. Sort of hailed the aeroplanes. Yeah, it would be good.

It would be like a bit of a knuckle got in the engine. Anyway, carry on. But in the process of the arm being amputated and then 24 hours later it was incinerated, there were some rings on the arm. Oh, okay. On the fingers, presumably. Yeah, on the fingers, and the rings have gone missing.

So the family, there's no comment from the actual lady, but the family are really worried and the rings have gone missing so the family there's no comment from the actual lady but the family are really worried about the rings well i'm not surprised so i'd hate to think someone had taken them in the state my mum was in it's not so much the financial value of them it's the sentimental value one of them was my nan's wedding ring and she gave my mum when she died no it's horrible i I wonder. I mean, I think someone should have taken them off before. I mean, the mum could have took them off. She had the other arm.

You don't think someone has sent the whole thing off to one of those send us your gold adverts you have on the telly. They're going to open a big packet and it's still on the arm. There's been a mix. Someone sent the arm with it, Jeff. Jeff, I've got some gold, but it's still got the arm.

Got the arm? Yeah, the arm's on it. I'm worried that the family seem fixated on the rings and the sentimental value the woman's worried about is probably her arm. Well, no, because they would have got rid of the arm because it would have been useless. I think that, you know, those rings... It's a sad story in many ways, and I'm hoping she gets...

If those rings were just taken, I'm hoping somebody has a big burst of conscience and gives them back. Oh, OK, then. Of course, if there's more than four, there's going to be some decisions to be made if her total rings come to four when they come back. But we'll see what happens. God bless her, anyway.

What was... Who was the actress with the extra... Oh, Gemma Arterton, the Bond girl. She's got an extra arm. She's got an extra digit, I believe. An extra arm? I thought she had an extra arm. Is that wrong?

She's not like some Spider-Man villain. If I'd have known she didn't have an extra arm, I wouldn't have sent her all those fan letters. I think we all want to go out with a woman with an extra arm. Saying, Gemma, give us a wave. Yeah, exactly. Give us your Isle of Man wave when she holds the three shoes. I don't know if you've seen her do that.

It's absolutely brilliant. So she's got an extra finger, Gemma. When she was born, she had six fingers on each hand. Oh, check out the Gemma Arterton expert over there. It was on Jonathan Ross on Friday. Yeah, and what the doctor does is they just tie a string round it and it falls off. They didn't have bones in, they were just floppy. Oh, I think they did that with Castor Semenya.

Oh, God. It's a funny old world. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.