The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 23 Feb

Episode Date: February 23, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss the giggles and they receive an interesting job application from a listener.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. So imagine that we're in a little log cabin.

You have the snow swirling about. You can hear it hitting the window occasionally when the wind's in that direction. Maybe a wolf howling in the distance, and we're all snuggled up. Let's say some animal skins wrapped, a fake fur wrapped around us and all three of us huddled together.

We've got a roaring log fire, maybe a couple of red setters lying on the hearth rug and we're just talking around, swapping tails and it's all cosy and lovely. What do you think? I don't know about the red setters. You're not keen on the red setters? What are they doing in that situation?

It's a bit random. Can we get Andrew Garfield and jesse eisenberg in they keep us warm no i don't want that kind of a night i don't either i don't want a physical night i just want a night of relaxing chit chat okay i don't want a physical night full stop with you two and we got enough webs in the window they haven't been cleaned up up without Andrew Garfield coming and doing his radioactive squirting. Yes, I've said it. Oh, speaking of romance, I didn't tell you about my lovely Valentine's night last week. Oh, go on. What did you do then? Well, me and my girlfriend, we stopped in and we watched a Geert Wilders documentary about the anti-Islamist Dutch politician. Lovely. Yeah.

Did you do it with candlelight in the background? No, we had a flaming cross. It wasn't... I felt it sucked a lot of the romance out of the evening. I can imagine. Yeah. But weird hair as well. i think she's got lovely hair kathy oh well maybe i'm wrong there oh dear so and they've announced uh did you see they announced

that um was this a big deal that that prince harry's going to be the best i just assumed prince harry oh do you know if you're the sibling, I mean, if my sister hadn't have asked me, ooh, I mean, that would not have gone down very well. I think it was assumed. Were you the maid of honour? Yeah. Don't you have to be a maid of honour? I think you have to be married to be a maid of honour.

And even, yeah, so no. That's odd, because maid usually suggests virgin, doesn't it? Well, I couldn't possibly comment. Well, think back. I looked great, that's all you need to know. Well, I'm sure I don't doubt that for a second. I wasn't.

And I got off with the best man. Excellent. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Did you really? I did. It was a lovely synergy. Do you think Prince Edward will be at the... He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed. Do you think he'll be there? Well, the thing was, the reason why it was a story, I think, is because usually when at royal weddings they call them supporters. Yeah. So like the man people who are with the groom

are called his supporters. The man people. I like the man people. The man people. What a great sci-fi BBC TV show that was. So Prince Charles had his two brothers as supporters. Prince Edward had both brothers. Hold on, I've done a Prince Charles big ear.

Didn't I not forbid that not two weeks ago? And now here I am being hoisted by my own pata. So he's a man people, yeah? Yeah, and Prince Andrew, he just had Edward. As his man people? Yeah, as his supporter. The man people. I prefer man people.

But Harry apparently insisted on being the best. James Hanrassi. He won't be there. Harry insisted on being called the best man. Yeah, because he's, you know, he's sort of a bit of a lad, isn't he? Yeah. He's a fool, is what he is.

He's a complete fool. They like tiny things. Oh, don't you like Harry? No, I don't like Harry much. I tell you, the trouble is, they're all right, the royal family, as long as you don't find out... He's sort of...

I suppose he's sort of Jason Eisenberg with a lobotomy. Oh, God. Squinty. A bit squinty. Well, I... It's best not to know too much about it. If you just see them as two blokes and they seem...

When you start reading around... For example, Pippa, right? Oh, that's the sister, yeah. That's the friend... Her sister and confidant. Yeah, that's... Yeah, Kate's confidant. They call her the gatekeeper,

which is like the supporter thing. She looks at... It says that she'll be... This is what it said in the paper. She'll be looking after her dress and calming pre-ceremony nerves. What does that mean, looking after a dress? You know, beating rodents off it, keeping it free from nesting insects. Yeah.

That sort of thing. And get this. This is an actual quote from the mail. The ambitious Edinburgh graduate, this is Pippa. Yeah. The ambitious Edinburgh graduate has worked as a party planner. Hmm. And is employed by her parents' mail order firm, Party Pieces,

where she runs the online magazine Party Times. I think we're getting a picture of what this person is like. She's that most despicable of people who uses the word party as a verb rather than a noun. She's a party person. She sounds rather a good time girl, though, Frank. You know, sometimes... Doesn't sound like she's the person to guard the gate at all.

No. She's not going to be keeping the gate not she's going to keep the gate for long open that's what that's the issue absolutely i sometimes yearn for the golden age age of beheading so the royals don't find out too much or you'll start to hate them. When it said one of the stag party events... Now, get this. Stag party. Oh, yeah. I'm saying stag party. It's a shooting party on a friend's estate.

Well, that's a real stag party, probably, isn't it? Well, that's risky. Let's try and shoot the stag. That's not going to be good. No. Or maybe it's a council estate. They're just going to go out and shoot some poo at people and put them in a skip. Could be a triumph stag.

Could be a triumph stag. God, that takes me back. I knew a chap who had a canary yellow triumph stag. What a car that was. Have you been a best man, Frank? Oh, yeah. Have you? Oh, God, yeah.

You say it like it's a weekly occurrence in your life. Oh, yeah. I think I've done it three times. You have not. I have, yeah. Do I know any of the people? Any of your family? Our Keith?

No. Oh, yes. Oh, our Keith. I was. Yes, he gave me an engraved Zippo. I remember as my present. What did it say on it? It said a West Bromwich Albion badge on it,

and it said something like, thanks, our kid. That's good. That's lovely. Yeah. So that. Yeah. And it's still, I have to say, it still lights, still ignites now. So I don't smoke, so I don't use it that much.

It's lasted longer than the marriage. Zippos will last. Yeah, so that's respect to zippos. I did a mate of mine who got married for the second time. Lovely. I did... One more, one more? Yeah, well, what was the other?

Yeah, so I've done, I always use the same gag, to be honest. Oh. I always use the same gag, to be honest. Oh. I always close on... Something I heard someone say at a wedding once, and I thought, oh, yeah, that's perfect. And I'll tell you what it is now, because I don't think I'll be doing any more best man work at my age. And it goes like this.

You sort of say, look at all the lovely presents. So you set that up, you know, lovely presents here today. I remember my grandad told me, he didn't, he died before I was born, but he told me through a medium. I remember he told, and I don't do that big, because they don't want to think of it, it's a time of life and

future thoughts, they don't want to think about death at the, you know. Anyway, so I'll say, and he always said to me that him and me gran only got two presents on their wedding day. A flannelette night dress for her

and a copy of the Holy Bible. And he's always said if he'd lifted that Bible as often as he'd lifted that night dress, he'd have been the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I like it. I like it because it's a C of E element. I don't know a lot of C of E material. It's got that in it. It's got the word flannelette.

You've kept it biblical, which I like and it's appropriate. Biblical and a little bit blue, but not so much that it's offensive. I'm saying Formby-esque. Yeah, I think you're right. In fact, there is actually a George Formby song called My Grandad's Flannelette Nightshirt. Oh, there is?

Yeah. So, yeah, that's my... Have you been a best man, Carys? Well, when my brother got married, he had my other brother, Joel got married, and he had my good-looking brother as his best man. Awkward. So not only best man, but also best brother.

You don't want him as a best man, Frank. You don't want him in the church, that guy. No, you don't want someone who's literally the best man. In don't want him in the church. That guy. No, you don't want someone who's literally the best man. In the whole world. No. You don't want him

running amok at my wedding. This is what happens though if you're that good looking, right? His speech was, look, I've been

really busy at the moment. I've been doing my degree so I, you know, I haven't had time to write a speech. That's okay. He doesn't have to. You don't have to if you look like that.

Women gave him a standing ovation. He actually caught the bouquet. Yeah, it's a big plus, the good looks. That won't be worrying anyone at the royal wedding, will it? Kate's quite good looking, isn't she? Where do you two stand on Kate just on left shoulder usually she likes a stretchy

boot doesn't she a black stretchy boot yeah on a limousine apparently Prince Harry and Chelsea hid in a car boot to avoid being pictured together yeah I heard that they didn't allow for the old boot cam,

which I set up in there some hours earlier. Yeah, it's a peculiar relationship. Now, is it on or is it off? I'll say, is it on or is it off? I don't know. They're not traditional in that sense, I don't think. I worry she's not going to age very well, that one. The gate is always open, I think.

I think she's on the latch with Chelsea. That's what I think. Always on the latch. If he comes in late, he can always... Yeah. No, I'm a bit creeped out by Kate. I think she looks evil. Is that OK to say?

Right. OK. That's quite in at the deep end. Evil. Is that against public feeling? I'm not sure. I just think there's something about her. I don't know if she's at the stage.

She's not our queen of hearts. No. She's our queen of parties, is what she is. Yeah. Well, that's Pippa. I'm not saying her sisters might be different. Her parents are the party planners. So she's descended from party planners.

Hence she's Queen of Parties, Van. Yeah, fair enough. Well, I'm sure that was a big plus when choosing a bride because they had the reception sorted. She must be a bundle of nerves. I must have grown up with those party poppers going off. Yeah. Oh, God.

I wouldn't want to live with that. The royals aren't going to like that. Bangs happening all over the centre. No. Let's not get on to that. No. I don't quite get it, but I'm going with it. I just worry it might go in a direction that we might not be happy with.

Yeah, I'm not liking about it. I'm not liking about it. I might stick with that as a sentence. I'm not liking about it. I think that could be a tiny temper. Yeah. Cee-lo Green about it. I think that could be a tiny temper. Yeah. Cee-lo Green loves it. The men people.

So, Frank, I'm about to move house at the moment. Oh, you're finally taking the plunge. Finally doing it, yeah. I'm sort of in between. I've got my eye on somewhere,

but I'm not committed yet. But it means I'm going to be staying with my friends. I'm staying with my best friend, Jane, and her husband. So that's great, but now I've got to be staying with my friends. I'm staying with my best friend, Jane, and her husband. So that's great. But now I've got to move all my stuff over there. And, oh, I'm dreading it.

I just can't be bothered. You've got to move it to the friend's house. Well, I'm putting it in storage, but I've also got all my clothes and makeup. And that's quite a significant amount. That's a couple of warehouses. Yeah. And then there's the clothes. That's more than my furniture.

But I always remember you gave me some good advice recently. You said, just get some men in and they'll do it all. Yeah, but I wasn't talking about moving house. I was talking about the make-up. No, well, that's what I did. The last time, last couple of times I've moved house, I just had breakfast,

went out for the day, and then when I went home, I went home to a different house and it was all there they just go in there wrap everything in white paper which you can keep after for the kids to draw on and it's all moved

when I unpacked I found some dirty crockery I'd left on the draining board. From the morning? They just wrapped it all up as well. There was food wrapped up. They wrapped up packets, closed packets of food.

Oh, I like the sound of them. I might be getting those men in, I think. It's the way to do it. That sounds really nice. We always have to get really cheap men with a van to do it, and you have to go in the van with them, or you'll never see the stuff again. So you have to go in the van with them? Yeah and you have to go in the van with them or you'll never see the stuff again. So you have to go in the van with the men? Yeah, you have to go in the van with the men.

It's like the A-Team or something. I'm not doing that. They'll just take all your stuff. I did that with David Baddiel, wasn't it? We were staying in this place in North London, Kilburn, North London. And of course, Dave... And then you upgraded.

Dave's inclination is to go cheap whenever possible. So we got these people to move the stuff. They got the van. And, of course, Dave's inclination is to go cheap whenever possible. So we got these people to move the stuff. They got the van. It was a sizeable, you know, big-ish van. Went out, it was half full of old tellies and stuff already. So there wasn't that much room. So it took ages.

They were hopeless. They broke stuff. They were rubbish, absolutely rubbish. We were sitting in the car and I said to one of them I said, so what do you do, you know what's your normal job? He said, well this was just a terrible silence. Couldn't believe they'd ever done it

before in their lives. So it's, you know, it's a risk, people carrying your loved things around. Well that's it. But no, I think I'm going to get them in, Frank. I think that's what I'm going to do and keep my stuff in storage. Go and see Well, that's it. But no, I think I'm going to get them in, Frank. I think that's what I'm going to do, and keep my stuff in storage. Go and visit it occasionally. Well, you know this thing about Kate Moss,

when she leaves the hotel, she picks up a handbag and goes, and then her assistants go in and pack everything and all that. It's that, you know, if you can afford someone else to do it, especially in this age of, you know, the cots, it's good to have other, you know, you cots, it's good to have other... You know, you're giving people work. Well, that's true. You've moved a lot, though, haven't you? You see, you're a past master.

You're an old hand. I have... There was a time I moved... I think it was... I moved seven times in two years. Wow. I was on the run. Was that in the Birmingham area?

It was all in the Birmingham area, yes. But I tell you what's great, you get... Are you counting the Central Reservation as one of those locations? No, I didn't take my belongings with me. I found it was a great way of deciding what you need in life and what you think you need. Because every time you move, I'd leave a few extra things behind. I actually got to that point in my life, when I was about 30,

two suitcases would contain everything I owned. Really? And that's quite exciting. Two suitcases with my make-up, maybe. Well. Don't know about the other stuff. Lucky, if that was the case. We had, didn't we have an email about, from Simon Wilkinson?

We did, we've had an offer for Emily. Oh, I love an offer. Dear sirs, I note with interest that Emily suffers from an inability to get up when the alarm first goes off, and I wish to apply for the position of a human alarm clock. I expect the number of applicants will be very high, but I must surely be the strongest candidate, I must surely be the strongest candidate, as I not only do I arise as soon as... It's all formed to pieces. As not only do I arise as soon as I hear the alarm,

but I often stir before it goes off at all. Her awakening would therefore be to my dulcet Yorkshire tones, not the jarring intrusion of an electric alarm. Oh, but where will he be housed when he does this? Well, this is what worries me. I think we know where he he be housed when he does this? Well, this is what worries me. I think we know where he'll be housed. He'll be like Simon Wilkinson. He's no more than an opportunist.

He goes, my enthusiasm for the job would make for a very comfortable working environment and I would bring with me a passion for the role and strong work ethic. I would even be happy to work overtime at the weekend should the need arise. Not only am I enthusiastic, but I have also been trained through marriage not to stray from my side of the bed, not to hog the duvet, and certainly not to expect the physicals. I can afford a CV if required, but would rather not provide references. So is he married or is he formerly?

Well, I'm assuming there might be a past marriage, perhaps. Oh, there's been a rift. There's been a rift. The great schism. Or divorce, perhaps. Oh, it's been a rift. It's been a rift. The great schism. Or divorce, possibly. Well, I mean, again, I read that there might be more people working as servants

over the next four or five years. How marvellous. Because the government is encouraging richer people to take on stuff. Really? Honestly. Honestly.

Because rather than have people on the door... People should get more stuff. This will solve everybody's problem. I'd rather go and be a bottler than be on the door. I don't think you'd be a very good bottler. No? No. No, you'd be too much attitude.

Possibly. Yeah, you might be right. I don't think that the celebrity bottler's really an option. Maybe Stephen Fry, do you think? Oh, he already is one, isn't he? In fact, in the crisp advert, you call him Jeeves in a very disparaging manner. Do I? Yeah, you go, all right, Jeeves. I haven't even seen the crisp advert.

Oh, do you know, I actually lolled at the crisp advert Oh do you know I actually lolled at the crisp advert I have to say I lolled I did it was funny I am on the subject of alarm clocks when I did that TV show The Bubble and

I don't know if I ever told you this but I said I'm going to need an alarm clock because usually I use my phone as an alarm and we weren't allowed to have our phone in there we weren't allowed to have any contact and the runner, the guy who in case anyone doesn't know, the runner is

the person who does just that he does all the dog's body stuff he said okay I'll get you one he said you need to be up really about half eight tomorrow, I said okay fine he said I'm going into town I'll get you an alarm clock i didn't give it any more thought um he never got me the alarm clock i forgot about it what time did you get up half eight you know why why because half eight he knocked on my door and And I said, come in. And he come in. He said, I've got you that alarm clock.

And he gave me the alarm clock at half eight. Wow. And he'd welcome me up. He was a human alarm clock, like Simon here. Well, like Simon, yeah. Except he didn't honk my doorbell. He didn't make comments about exactly the physicals and the side of the bed. He didn't turn my top blanket back.

I'll tell you that. I mean, imagine if he just slept in the bed and that's all he was, an alarm. No relationship, no conversation as such. Well, how does he wake up? Oh, that's a good point. He'll have to have an internal alarm. Oh, there'll have to be someone on the other side. I'm not putting up with that.

It's a never-ending bed. No, exactly. If he's got an alarm clock on his side so he can wake you up, though, I mean, I think you can eliminate the middleman. Well, that's true. So, maybe we should get a servant each. Help the unemployment.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't mind a sleeve aimer. A sleeve aimer? What's that? You know when you want to put your coat on and somebody holds your coat? You put your arms up, they aim the sleeves so your arms go in. I love that. Oh, like in a posh restaurant. Sometimes in a restaurant that'll happen, yeah.

Or if you're trying coats on. Coats. Oh, I love that. That's all gone a bit Queen speech. King speech. Some sort of a valet. That's no reference to Colin Firth. Some sort of a valet would be great.

A great addition. Can you imagine though, just like the royal family have Prince Charles, someone choosing your clothes for you every morning, Frank. Imagine how nice that is. I don't know if I'd like that. Do they lay them out for you the night before? Yeah. Well, you do that anyway, don't you?

Make the strange man on the chair. Yeah, I make the man on the chair. I don't know if I'd want someone else choosing my clothes. Especially the sort of person who'd be a butler, would have me looking... I'd look like Diary of an Edwardian Lady. I'd be all right when we get my penny far, you know. I'd like someone to brush my teeth for me.

Oh. I'd want someone to do that while I'm still asleep. Yeah. So you wake up and just minty fresh. What about those things you get in men's toilets that you chew, that clean your teeth? Have you seen those? Like plastic.

Oh, the little spearmint balls. Yeah, you could keep one of those on the bedside table. Wouldn't that make life a little bit easier? Maybe. They don't get into all the crevices, though. You're doing someone out of a job. Well, personally, I just leave my teeth on the bedside table. So, I was on the train this week, as I mentioned on the show. You are on the train this week as I mentioned on the show

you are on the train a lot I've been on the train a lot in the last couple of weeks have you got a day job for South East Rail he'd be a good train guard I might as well well you like trains as well what flavors have you got

you know they say cris. What flavours have you got? You know when they say crisps, what flavours have you got? They don't know in advance. They have to have a look at the flavours on the trolley. I can do that. You can. Then you'll go, shut up, Jeeves. There's no prep.

Shut it, Jeeves. I asked the other day because I wanted to Barocca, so I just wanted a cup. And I bought loads of stuff from those men who come round with the trolleys. And so I said, could I just have one of your plastic cups? And he said, no. You're joking. No, they're just for the drinks.

Well, in fairness to him... I was angry for the rest of the journey. No. Go on, defend him. Go on, defend him. What did you want to use the cup for? rest of the journey. Go on, defend him. Go on, defend him. What did you want to use the cup for? To have a drink. Exactly, but you hadn't bought the drink off him. Yes, but I've bought drinks before.

He doesn't know that. So they sell them. I'm the customer. I've spent 40 quid or whatever to go on the train. What difference does it make to him? It's not an issue. No, I'm on his side. I'm on his side.

Stupid cup man. I'm totally on his side he can't okay let's say we follow your rule he then goes out giving cups willy-nilly to every person on that train everyone will want a cup not everyone it's the thin end of the wedge and then he's got no cups left for proper patrons like me who will pay for the drink. I just wanted a cup. One cup. Anyway, and I was cross for the rest of the journey. So something very exciting happened. On the train?

What, more exciting than that? Right, let's tone it way down. Something happened on the train this week and there were two sort sort of i would say um late there were two ladies sitting in front of me two sort of i would say ladies what were they strumpets grace and perry yeah grace and perry and les dawson And Les Dawson. Two sort of ladies. Two sort of, I would say, ladies.

I was trying to describe them in a polite way. They were female, but you've basically nailed it. OK. What, Richard Keyes? Did you nail it? And they were gossiping, and I was watching The Sopranos oh because ladies do tend to gossip

we love a soap and we love a gossip they were gossiping I'm just not saying you know and you were watching like men men shooting each other

so that we'd be all male and strong and I'd actually I'd actually paused it for a moment because someone had just been bludgeoned in the head

and I was worried about people behind me seeing it so I'd stopped it for a moment because someone had just been bludgeoned in the head and I was worried about people behind me seeing it. So I'd stopped it for a moment. They probably asked for a plastic cup. I was wearing the headphones so they didn't know but they were talking and they were talking about a particular lady and then they said... A real lady or another make-up one? A real lady.

OK. And they said, oh, and they were saying things about her, disparaging things. What sort of things? And they said... Car exam. They were questioning her lifestyle in a number of ways. I can't give too many details. Okay.

And then they said, oh, and apparently she used to live next door to and said my mum's name. And they mentioned my actual mum. Wow. And they must have been going back to Bournemouth. I think they must work in the same place as my mum works. Right. And I was overhearing this conversation. How exciting. I'm disappointed it wasn't

actually about your mum and they weren't being rude about your mum. What are you saying about my mum? Wasn't there a short digression when they said negative and derogatory things about your mum? No, no. They really didn't say anything about your mum? What are you saying about my mum? Wasn't there a short digression when they said negative and derogatory things about your mum? No, no, they really didn't say anything about my mum, which was by definitely, like, I stopped completely. But then, so, and I was listening in then. If they'd said something derogatory about your mum,

would you have spoken up or would you have just listened? Well, the thing was... Do you have a record facility on the laptop? That's what I should have done. That's a good idea. Oh, I definitely have on my phone. But I think when you take the step of recording other people's conversations... Yeah, but if they're talking about your mum,

I'm sure that... Why, there isn't a jury in the country that would convict you for that. Your own mother? No, you were well within your rights so do you know the neighbor in question i do and the truth is that she doesn't actually live next door to my mum she lived next door to us but there must have been some crossed wires she doesn't live next door to your mom but she she lives next door to you. She lived near us, let's not say directly next door.

Oh, no, she didn't live directly next door, OK. Are you changing names to protect the innocent? Yeah, I'm doing my best. Is it Omar Sullivan? Is it Omar Baker? No, she knew how to dance. Is she a horrible woman? I don't think so. I think she's quite nice.

So they were being vindictive, unnecessarily. But they were saying they had questions about her personal life, about her arrangements. Did they suggest that she... Did she have a human alarm clock? Yes, I think... I think they were suggesting that prank. I think that's probably the case, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, OK. And so suddenly I'm in surveillance of these women. Were you making notes? Just typing furiously as they spoke. Like being some sort of court stenographer. Except they were the ones who were caught, if you receive my meaning. I love the idea of Gareth being in surveillance.

You know when they do that? It was like the lives of others all of a sudden. It's like Quincy. And after ten minutes in, one of them says, could you read that back to me? Yeah. Yours, et cetera. OK.

But what I realised was as soon as I started listening, I started getting the giggles. Or, like, you know, laughter was. Because if I'm concealing something, I just can't help it. I'm the worst liar in the whole world. I just was going to giggle. And luckily, they stopped talking about my mum and moved on. So they did talk about your mum.

You said they didn't dwell. Well, they mentioned my mum. They said apparently, well, she used to live next door. Yeah, but what did they mean by that? As if that's just to live next door to her is some sort of... No, it was further information that they'd got about her, the lifestyle in question. OK.

Did your mum ever hear the human alarm clock through the wall in the morning? She saw him come and go. But, yeah, I would be the worst spy in the whole world because in that situation I was just going to laugh in their faces because they were talking about something. The tension of the situation, I was hearing something. But you didn't laugh in their faces. No, I didn't, actually, because they moved on.

Well, I think they moved seats. Some sniggery fool sitting at the other side staring at them, clearly eavesdropping. And drinking Barocca out of his copped hands. I mean, would you stay sitting next to that person? And in a terrible salt. You're very lucky now because the amount of times people have accidentally caught... You know when you get bomb-dialed?

What? Oh, yes, I know what you mean. When you just sort of sit on your own phone or lean on it and it rings someone. I've heard that loads of times. And all I've ever heard is... I've never heard anything interesting, derogatory. Do you know what I hear?

Because I have a lot of lady friends. I hear click, click, click of my heels. Oh, I wouldn't mind that. Oh, OK. Through wouldn't mind that. Through the courts. No, I never hear anything interesting at all. I love catching someone talking about you though.

Oh, I love that. Oh, exciting. Oh, it's my favourite. It doesn't happen very often. Examples, examples. Well, sometimes like in a work situation, I do a thing, if I think someone,, if I think someone's been talking about me, I'll just stick my head round and go, hello, like that, just to shock them. But I always know when they have.

Aha! Well, I do that thing, if I'm walking behind someone, I'll always say, I'm just behind you, so don't flag me off. And they always look guilty then, like I know I've caught them just before they were about to. Oh, you don't flag me off. And they always look guilty then. I know I've caught them just before they were about to. Oh, you said that to me before. I wasn't, honestly. No, OK.

But I never get the giggles. Don't you? Do you know a giggler at all? Not at all. Don't you, Frank? I can't remember the last time I had that kind of uncontrolled laugh thing. What about if someone's in the theatre, I get it. If it's a bad show,

if I'm not meant to be laughing, it's something about, because there's the human performer sitting in front of me and I just can't stop laughing. If someone's got a bad accent or something, I had it quite recently. Don't you ever get that?

No. I went to the Big Chill once. You know the Big Chill at Music Festival? Raymond Chandler book. Pardon? Is that a Raymond Chandler book? Sleep. Sleep, you know the Big Chill at Music Festival? Raymond Chandler book. Pardon? Is that a Raymond Chandler book? Sleep. Sleep, that's the one.

And this guy was showing me how to use a boggy for riding round on. And he got on it and it went out of control. And it went over someone's tent. And we were in the family section. I was thinking of it And we were in the family section. I think he laughed. We were in the family section. It was quite early in the morning. Well, Kath, I looked around to Kath, my girlfriend.

She'd gone. She'd actually gone into someone's unoccupied tent. She was laughing that much that she had to hide from me. She'd gone into a tent to laugh. And this guy... So these people came out the next tent and it turned out that he was a DJ, this guy, and this tent that this fellow was riding on,

driving his boggy on, the thing is he had the wheel locked so it was just going around in a circle on the tent. And all the DJ's equipment was in there. And he was going around in this small circle, so the tent was getting ever more flattened. And this DJ, I remember this DJ saying, will you stop driving on our tent?

And he said, I can't stop it. And then I did, I found, because he was genuinely distressed, and they were distressed. I did, I must admit, I did struggle a bit with that. But honestly, I can't think of another example where I've had... You get it a lot. You always get it. You get it during the show a lot.

You do. I mean, Scratching Fanny, I thought he was going to... I thought he was going to keel over. Scratching Fanny, you headed straight for the door. Yeah, no, the tension of not being supposed to laugh. But that was just, I was really laughing because it was funny. But it's more when, you know, the terrible nightmare of not being supposed to laugh in a situation and then it welling up inside you is just a terrible thing.

I had a friend who said if anyone ever told him that someone had died, his first thought was, what if I laugh now? And then he would feel it start to happen. And that doesn't go down very well. Bad news, I will smile. I will do an awkward smile because... Oh, by the way, you're fired. You're listening

to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Trevor Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.