The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 24 May

Episode Date: May 24, 2011

Frank Emily and Gareth talk survival and find out why Gareth thinks Pauline Quirke is on the up! Plus why Frank may need to start calling David Furnish Mum.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ah, let us go, then, you and I. This is the, uh, Absolute Podcasting that we call Not The Weekend podcast.

You call it what you damn well like. I like that you're kicking off with a bit of T.S. Eliot. I enjoyed that. There isn't enough of that. I think there's a lot on the station itself. There's very little on Absolute 80s. Yeah. I've noticed.

There's very little on Absolute 80s, I've noticed. I think they did a couple of extracts from The Wasteland, read by Gary Newman. But apart from that, there's a shortage. Anyway, I'm Frank Skinner. Sounds like some terrible advert. Reminds me of when I was asked to be the Otterly Botterly Man. I turned it down.

No. Didn't fancy it. No, I didn't. Didn't fancy all that trumpet work. Oh, you wouldn't believe some of the... No, that's Lurpak. Oh, no, that's the other one. Is that Country Life? Lurpak.

Oh, OK. Country Life. Oh, he knows his butter ads. He leapt in there. That's Lurpak. He's well in with the butters. He lives in the country, though. Do you live in the country?

He lives in a bungalow in Bowmo. But Bournemouth is the country, isn't he? No, it's a town. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, Frank. It's a town, but it's one of those scrapes. Everywhere's surrounded by country. So we could start again, but I'm going to carry on.

A lot of professional radio people would stop now and say, oh, shall we start again? That all went a bit wrong. But I like to embrace the wrongness, and I like it to be kept forever. So let's continue. Frank Skinner, Not The Weekend podcast, Emily Gareth. There's all the ingredients. All we've got to do is whisk it up into a fabulous ragout

of comedy and interesting facts. That's all. That's good. We could whisk ragout. That's all. That's good. We could whisk ragout. That's fine. Let me begin with a work offer. Okay. I do get...

Oh, thank you very much. I'm actually booked up next Saturday. I'm free. I'm really free. That's pretty. I was hoping you'd... I'm doing a silver service dinner at my house and I was hoping that you'd be the maitre d'.

Oh, I'd be a good maitre d'. You'd be good in a silver service outfit. Would I? Yeah, I think so. Blacks and whites, I think, are very good with you. Monochrome. Very much my thing. Yes. If you ever go to an ornithologically themed fancy dress party, I'd

go for the magpie. Oh. That would be your look. So, I can't think of any other black. There's probably other black and white birds. Puppins? Could be a puppet. No, I don't like the orange beak.

No, a nice bit of colour blocking. Whoa, get me dropping the fashion phrases, eh? Yeah, I think you've been hanging around with the deputy editor of Instar magazine a little too long. Mind you, you are using colour blocking now that the Queen's doing it, so it is slightly over that moment. Is the Queen colour blocking? Yeah, colour blocking, brilliant. I was going to say, for England.

I mean, if that gets out, that the Queen's colour blocking, is that your government policy? She needs to go on a course. She does. I mean, I know she's an old lady. She shouldn't have a say on these things. Anyway, look, I had an offer. I can't tell you what the channel is or whatever, but it was a well-known TV channel,

and they want me to spend eight days, I'm saying eight days, in an African jungle. I don't want to be too specific. Okay. With a celebrity, another celebrity. And it's just me and them, no film crew or anything. We have to film each other and there's no medical people. No medical people?

What, just as a punishment? Yeah, no hair and makeup. No, we have to be shaved. I think we'll just... That's a good question. I suppose we can do it our own. I tend to do my own shaving. Hair and make-up, yeah.

OK. No one there to do it for. I might tear a toucan down from a tree and use its beak as a makeshift cutthroat. So we get training, is the idea, in how to... It says how to deal with dangerous animals, including shooing away.

Well, I'm not sure that's, um, will that work? Are you not already trained in that? I was, um, go on, go off, go on! I don't think that works with an anaconda, does it, particularly well? I don't know, what is that? A snake?

Oh, that's a snake. It's one of my favourite snakes. They won't be shooed, A snake. I've discovered that. They will not be shooed. Sometimes they're shoes. Not in our house. Not in my house either, may I make clear. No, I've got a

reptile blocking policy. So I I've always, I'll be honest with you, I've always quite fancied my chances against a powerful carnivorous beast. Why? I've always thought...'ll be honest with you, I've always quite fancied my chances against a powerful carnivorous beast. Why? You'd be awful. You know when people are ripped to pieces by lions and tigers, I always think, surely if you got a good grip on that creature,

it wouldn't be able to do it. Frank, it's not Shep. No. Well, Shep could. That was your last experience of wrestling with an animal. Shep's broken the flesh on me many a time. But obviously I couldn't be properly rough with Shep because I had a great affection for it as my pet. But I mean, you could check its genitals and have vice-like grip.

I mean, would any lion be able to withstand that? Yes. Because you wrote that lion song, you think you're in with them now. I don't think they would care. No, he does. Also, you think you're in with them now. I don't think they'll care. No, he does. I don't think they'll care. Also, you could take a small wooden chair, which from my circus experience keeps them at the same distance.

Can I be honest, Frank? You see, I'm just not sure that area is where your talents lie. Don't take offence, but I think it needs someone with a bit more brawn, maybe. And I just see you in a vest. I don't know. I think no good can come with this and i think it's an insurance disaster waiting to happen you're right i'm not i'm not naturally aligned to a singlet i think that's true but i think that's what they want see if they just

send out big muscular people it doesn't look quite so threatening so who are you thinking about the shows that have been successful do you remember when jo Joanna Lomley did a sort of wilderness type thing? I mean, no make-up and, you know, that kept the lions at bay. I think you'll find it was no make-up, make-up, but that's another story. Was it no make-up, make-up? Well, I didn't spot that. No, but this is, I've never heard of one without a crew or anything to back you up where it's just, I mean, me...

Are you sure it is a programme, this, Frank? No, it's a proper programme. It's not just something that Dale Winton has sent to me on the quiet. Fancy eight days in the jungle, just me and you. I'll do the shooing. Wrestling ocelots. Will there be a film crew or something?

Oh, no. Can you imagine Dale next to a lion going, can I go on? Get lost! I'll teach you how to shoo. You'll be shooing all week. Dale. Eddie.

Yes. I don't know what that means, but I don't like it. No, I don't like it either. What? He could, I'm imagining he could hide against a lion. Oh, he could. Yeah, he could. Without spray tan, yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, so it won't be at the moment they haven't mentioned any I mean I'm not at all sure about doing it but it does

it's done in quite a serious way it doesn't sound like a cheesy doesn't sound fun it sounds like proper gruelling survival stuff

right I worry about who they'll pair you with. I mean, you could be with Nancy Lamb. It could be anyone. I don't know who that is, but that would keep the lion at bay. Chinese cook.

Shall the lion lie down with the lamb? You couldn't have her. It's too hot for lamb in the jungle. Who is Nancy Lamb? She's a Chinese sort of cook. Well, she'd be handy. Yeah, once I'd... If I could drag an impala to its knees,

we could have the head off that in seconds with the toucan beak. Yeah. Well, I mean, I... Obviously, it makes a big difference who the celebrity is because you don't want to be with someone who's hateful. And there's plenty of them about it i afraid i i i had a i had a problem most of them are in emily's address book right back at you exactly but i um none are in mine

None are in mine Even, anyway Someone, I got a programme suggestion Which I thought was quite a clever idea And it was called Frankie and Johnny Oh, that's good And it was a sitcom But with elements of the real world in it And the idea was, I discovered

That I'd done a programme like um who do you think you are and discovered that John Barrowman was a relative of mine and he then tried to sort of impose himself up and wanted to hang around with me all the time and it was all the it was all the embarrassing situations we got into I'd turn up to a football match and John Barrowman would turn up in a white leather catsuit and a rattle. And it was quite, I don't know if the Barrowman was ever approached. Oh, he does it.

He'll do it. I don't know if he was attached. I think that was episode five. Frank, his voicemail message is Hi, it's John. Leave a message, I'll do it. I reckon it is. That's a little unkind. I'm actually I wouldn't

if they said to me you're in the jungle with the barrow man I might be tempted to do it because round the log fire at night

with him doing songs from the show I mean it's a hard nut like wouldn't it be one of the best things ever he's a multi-talent

let's not I won't have it said that he isn't. Yeah. And I'm a big Torchwood fan, so we could, you know, we could play time travel. That'd be good for making fires. Exactly. So I'm... But it's hard to do these things without

looking like you're a bit desperate, is one of the things. I'm a little worried about it, Frank. I won't lie to you. And I don't know, I mean, they don't keep an eye on you. You go away for eight days and then, you know, you turn up with the tapes. Could anything, could, you know...

It's just going to be like the Blair Witch Project. You can imagine some producers in a studio, type seven, Frank cooks and eats John Barrowman. Seven, Frank cooks and eats John Barrowman. I'm prepared to sacrifice selections from Guys and Dolls just to eat. Oh, man. Oh, dear. I bet he'd be good for shoeing away, though.

Who, Barrowman? Oh, he'd be excellent shoeer. Yeah, he would. Excellent shoeing work. Well, Frank, I can't quite believe that. Have we heard from the outside world, by the way? We have. We've had an email in.

This is from Suzanne. She says, Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, firstly, congrats on your award. Thank you very much. You didn't have to read that bit out. I'd like to thank... No, but you know why I'm reading it out? Why?

She then goes on to say, Emily loved the outfit, especially the shoes. Fabulous. How does she know what? Well, they must have been apparent in some of the photographs. And they were very good shoes. The shoes? I've got a lot of comments on the shoes.

Beryl Reid always said, start with the shoes. And that's what I did that night. Al Reid? No, Beryl Reid. Al Reid. Do you remember Al Reid? No. Al Reid was a sort of northern comic when I was a small boy.

He used to talk about... He used to sort of do an imitation of women talking over the garden fence. I remember he used to reach inside his shirt to pull his bra strap up, an imaginary bra strap. It's always lived with me. Al Reid is the man who used to be married to Jordan, I think you'll find. I don't think that's true, is it? Alex Reid, isn't that his name?

Oh, I thought of that. To the matter in hand... He'd be Andy in the jungle. Oh, yeah. I can imagine him grappling with a wildcat. No, he's all... Wouldn't be the first time. To the matter in hand...

Susan's words, not mine. On Saturday's show, you mentioned the adult cruise advertised in the paper. Well, let me clarify this. This wasn't another idea of me and John Barrow. Although... No, exactly. Yes, we saw an advert in the paper for a cruise which featured Derren Brown and...

Derren Brown and... And The Voice. Oh, yes. Russell Watson. Off of The Voice, yeah. And it said that it was an adult cruise, which, I mean, I don't know why. Surely children can appreciate Russell Watson and... Darren Brown.

Darren Brown. I would be suspicious, though, of any cruise, any Darren Brown-based cruise. Yeah, it's not going to end well. Join Darren Brown in the Bermuda Triangle. You know what I mean? That would be that. It did remind me of an advert I saw many years ago for a golfing

holiday which said, enjoy the Marbella Sun with Michael Greco. If that didn't draw people in. How do you know I already haven't? Okay. I would not be surprised. On Saturday's show you mentioned the adult cruise and advertising the paper. I had to laugh since my parents were on this boat for three months this year on a world cruise. Wow.

Three months with Russell Watson and Derren Brown. That doesn't sound too bad. However, from all accounts, any of the turns you mentioned would have been better. Highlights on their cruise included Chip Hawks. Connor would meet. I don't know. Do you know how I know who that is? No.

Chesney Hawks' father. Oh, really? I think he's from the Tremolos. Yes, he was. Oh, he was in the Tremolos. I believe so. I googled these people. That changes everything.

I didn't need to google, which shows how old I am. Oh, yeah, the Tremolos. Chip Hawks. Chesney's dad, yeah. And Joe Longthorne. Gypsy Joe? Fabulous.

Well, with him you'll get a joke, you'll get an impression, you'll get a lovely song. Now, Gareth might not know who Joe Longthorne is. Do you want to familiarise him with his work? Are you not familiar with Gypsy Joe Longthorne? No, I had to Google him as well. I Googled both these people and they've both got websites where music comes on automatically.

You know when you click on... Have you heard his rendition of You're My World? I haven't, no. It's quite something. What, the Cilla Black? Yeah, he sings that Joe Long time ago. You're my world! That one?

Yeah. With a slim microphone. Of course. Held between the tips of two hands, I'm imagining. You know when they hold their hands as if in prayer? Slightly, with a very slim microphone just in the tips. Oh, I love i love that angled slightly down boot cut white trouser it's like skater fit almost skater fit i'm not familiar with that oh

i love i love the fashion terms what is skater fit skater fit is as it sounds really so when you see a male skater you know quite tight around tight around the... You mean ice skater? Oh, not like a skateboarder. Yeah, I assumed. Oh, no, I'm sorry, ice skater. Yeah, top half of the boxers on show. No, ice skater fit. OK. Anyway, Chip Hawks we've got.

We've got Joe Longthorne. We've also got Talks by Michael Howard. Who, of course, has something of the night about him. Military history, that'll be, I reckon. You reckon? He's written books about military history, hasn't he? He says that now he's Googled it. No, I have not. No, I know that.

The Google-reliant generation. I did military history for Adolf. Are you telling me that someone is sitting on a deck chair now in the middle of the Pacific saying, what do you think then, Joe Longthorne or military history? You choose. There's something for everybody, isn't there? And Claire Sweeney's dad.

Claire Sweeney's dad is there. He was also present. Does it say what he does? No. I think he talks about, he does a talk with Slides about bringing up Claire Sweeney. Mistakes I've made. Yeah.

Where it all went wrong. She could be, she could well be my accomplice in the jungle. She's just the sort of person. Yes. I might end up watching the lion bringing up Claire Sweeney at the end of the night. A mixed blessing. Although I saw her

in Chicago, not the musical. Oh, how was she? Actually, she was top notch. Was she? Yeah, these people, they surprise you. Their talents are hidden. I mean, I mean hidden. Yeah, she was top-notch. Was she? Yeah, these people, they surprise you. Their talents are hidden. I mean, I mean hidden. Yeah, she's very sort of Liverpool talent school.

Like diamonds in impenetrable quartz. As I think Gerard Manley Hopkins said of the poetry of Algernon Swinburne. Oh, yeah. Shouldn't have said that. It was off. It was an off-collar remark Well It's a different world

The cruise world, I think I said at the time On the show we mentioned this subject originally That someone like Darren Brown, Russell Watson They seem too Too big to be on a cruise So they are a special treat Whereas, you know, with all due respect Claire Sweeney's dad seems about right

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what he Whereas, you know, with all due respect, Claire Sweeney's dad seems about right. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what he... For all we know, he might be, you know, the best stage whistler you've ever seen, right up there with Ronnie Rinald. But that's something we can only imagine. He might be a natural shark repellent. They just take with us, really, as more of a lucky charm

than a practical help so I know there's a lot of expectation in the air we're all nervous we did very well at the Sonys the Ray Giles were good now the Forbes top 10 most powerful celebrities has come out

surely that's going to take more than 5 minutes on Russell Howard to get you in there surely is it that flexible out. Surely that's going to take more than five minutes on Russell Howard to get you in there. Surely. I mean, is it that flexible? Oh, I don't know. No, we haven't made it. When I say that when I intimate that Gareth has had five minutes on Russell Howard, I mean his programme.

Yeah. Not an attempt. No, 15 minutes. 15 minutes you had? I'm sorry. I've short-changed you. I undersold it. And you are, like John Lewis, I believe, you are never knowingly undersold. Very like John Lewis.

If he was a shop, he'd be John Lewis. Do you know, with my upbringing, I am very happy with that. I would have been happy with Marks and Spencers. So the top ten most powerful celebrities in the Forbes list are... Shall I go straight in with number one? Let me guess. Who do you think? Arthur Askey.

No. Is there any sort of? Do you have to be alive? I think he's dropped out of the top ten. Frank Muir. What powers are we talking about? I go Frank Muir. Frank Muir. So, it's a Bavarian whistle. Geoffrey Chaucer. Oh, now you're being ludicrous.

So, I'll do the rundown for the top ten. Well, don't do them all. Just give us any. Elton John, number five. Good, Ken. Down from number seven, U2. Up from number seven, U2. Number three, Justin Bieber.

I'm glad you don't do the chart show. I've always thought that Reggie Yates is the worst presenter in the world, but now I'm thinking that if you took over the chart show... How dare you? OK, sorry. But what power? Does Justin Bieber have power? Great hair, though. Oh, yeah, he's got massive power.

Massive hair, great hair. Yeah, apparently, they... He has one of those, like a wind farm thing, that generates his entire nervous system. If he could harness the power of his fans... Have you seen his harness? I mean, I wouldn't be able to get into it. But apparently, if he doesn't wear it,

his intestine can drop 8 to ten inches at one go. Well, something's got to drop at some point. Well, we're all waiting. Justin Bieber's harness. He is a cultural architect, though, I would argue. Is he? What has he built? Well, exactly, he's built opinions.

Anyway, who else? The big news is that Oprah Winfrey has fallen to number two. She has been the most powerful celebrity for a long time. Yes, well, yeah. But I think she's... Does she still do her show? Or is she... She's just finishing it. Oh, well, there you go.

We've all had that moment when one minute you're on telly every five minutes, next minute you're nowhere. I think she's going into producing and stuff. Yeah, sure. That's what I said. Number one, Lady Gaga. Oh, of course. Oh, it sounds so matter-of-fact about it.

Yeah, I didn't know it was based on a sort of fancy dress. This is a celebrity almost entirely based on fancy dress. It is, though, isn't it? It might as well be Christopher Biggins in his Dame outfit. Why is it the papers fall for that every time? If I suddenly started only going out in a blue crushed velvet catsuit split to the waist and orange sneakers,

I'd get seven or eight photographs in the paper. I think you would. Seven or eight, maybe one. On the bizarre page. They love a ludicrous costume. But I won't learn myself. You won't pander to it. Stick to the hoodies.

I will wear a panda costume. You could look good in a panda costume. Oh, I'd like that. Black and white, that's you. I'm suggesting that you might get to a nonnery. Oh, I'm not happy with the gargoyle. I find it interesting, the people who are, you know, the fickle nature of fame and who's on the up and who's on the way down.

One of my predictions, I've got some predictions, I think Pauline Quirk on the way up. She's got some predictions. Pauline Quirk on the way up. Is that because the stage show Birds of a Feather is touring? Yes, I think thatine Quirk on the way up she's got some predictions Pauline Quirk on the way up is that because the stage show Birds of a Feather is touring I think that's going to

be really good for her do you think that's going to be a massive hit I think so she was at my drama school she's putting that out there something of a mentor for me she was

oh that's nice she's a dinner lady I like Pauline Pauline Quirk has been on telly as long as I can remember no she was good. And she did kind of quite a serious acting.

She had a serious acting phase where she played killers and things. She briefly had a chat show called Pauline's People, briefly in the early 80s. Oh, that should have had something to do with quirkiness. No, there was a kids' show called Pauline's Quirk. Really? So they got that one out of the way very early. Excellent.

And I like that... What did that involve? Is that suitable for children? Yeah, I don't know what her quirks actually were. I think she had she used to kill mice with her bare hands. Multiple personality disorders, I heard.

Pauline's quirks. She'd have a mouse in each palm and she'd squeak, squeeze them. And there'd be some high-pitched screaming and then silence and then the sound of eyes leaving tiny sockets. And then nothingness. Yeah. I mean, some call that a quirk.

I'd call that out-and-out cruelty. Anyway, so that's your tip for the top is Pauline Quirk. It's your finger on the pulse topicality that makes this show-out cruelty. Anyway, so that's your tip for the top, is Pauline Quirk. It's your finger on the Paul's topicality that makes this show what it is. I think Prince Harry's going down. We can't be certain of that. Certainly, actually... I just think he's going to go off the rails.

Do you? I think it's a lot of pressure on him now to, like, have a big wedding. I think at the moment, I think William has edged the head of him, certainly. I think at the moment, I think William has edged the head of him, certainly. What about Pippa, though? She's very on the...

I saw someone describe her as P. Middy. Yes, P. Middy she is now. Yeah, so she's really sort of arrived. And all this stuff about her bottle, I've looked at the footage of that. I can't see anything special about it. Well, don't look at me.

It's up to you two to make the judgement. That's how society works, isn't it? I did think it was Kate's day. Exactly. I don't like people trying to upstage it. I remember when Freddie Truman's daughter married Raquel Welsh's son and Raquel Welsh turned up like an hour late and stole the attention. Freddie Truman was absolutely furious.

The one delivery he banstered was right up round the Adams Apple. He could have killed her. Now then. I like your late 80s gossip. Freddie Truman was furious. Exactly. Now we've gone topical with Pauline Quirk on the way up, I've come up with my latest Freddie Truman hot gossip.

So who do I think's on the way up on this base? It's Rusty Lee, probably. She's still hard to tell. And Paul Daniels, because his toupee, his wig sold for £1,100 on eBay earlier this year. I remember. I'll tell you something about Rusty Lee. It is strange that she just missed the time when cooks became the big superstars.

She was just before that. It was very bad luck on her part. Do you think it was bad luck? Do you think it genuinely would have happened to her? Can you see her being a Gordon Ramsay figure? No, like Jamie Oliver changing the governmental systems. I don't know if Rusty had that in her. Can you imagine that Rusty's dream school? I don't know if you've ever seen her jerk chicken, but it's a sight.

It's a sight for sore eyes. I've never seen a poultry smile before. Not so much smile, but there's a look of contentment just above the beak. Of course, there was a rumour that she saw the way forward was going to be for the male chef and that the female chef was going to be sidelined.

Oh. Apparently, she became Ainsley Harriot. That was one rumour I heard. It does explain a few things. Well, they're equally vivacious. Yeah. Yeah. I worked with Rosti on a couple of occasions.

Did you? How was it? Yeah, we were asphalt in a roof in Sparkbrook in Birmingham. This was during a... This was when her career was in something of a dip. No, no, we... Sorry, could you be more specific? She was on Fantasy Football, because she's a big Leicester City supporter.

I think she was when she was asked to be on Fantasy Football because she's a big Leicester City supporter. I think she was when she was asked to be on Fantasy Football. She hurriedly found a team. There was a lot of that about. She came on while Jonah Louis sang You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Party. And then I did a charity show in Birmingham at the Royal Symphony Hall when she came on with what you'd call a jazz band and sang

the lead vocals on it. What you'd call a jazz band? We've got a big jazz following on this show, as you know. Jamie Cullum is a regular listener. Hello, Jamie. Hiya, Jamie, if you're listening. Hello, Jamie. Hiya, Jamie, for listening.

Just like to keep him on our side. Yeah, so I know Ross Deovold. And I think it's a shame that... Anyway, that's my prediction to replace Gaga. Well, we'll see next year's Forbes list. Yeah. And what about Imogen? Imogen, I think she's on the up. She's become a pioneer of freedom of speech.

If this injunction can just hold, we'll never find out. She could become a sort of an Obama figure. See, this array of celebrities depresses me, though. Because it's not like... I hate to sound, you know, in the good old days, but when I was growing up, there were better role models out there, Frank, I'm afraid. I think there were.

Such as? Well, I did. I had a thing where I wanted, I decided, I liked him so much, I wanted my father. I used to fantasise that he was my dad, Barry Norman. Oh, really? Yeah, I fantasised he was my dad. Well, you'd be rolling in pickled onions then.

You know he's got his own brand of pickled onions. But I think I picked him because I thought, oh, he looks like he's quite intelligent and we might be able to get tables at restaurants. Yeah. Seats at the cinema, certainly. Seats at the cinema, exactly. But it's not out of the realms of possibility.

But wouldn't there be fish and chip restaurants? Once you nail your collars to the pickled onion mast it's not going to be like you're at the Ivy, is it? It's going to be Harry Ramsden's. Well I thought people wouldn't think I was lying if I said it. I did once say he was my dad when I was quite young. Really?

What I said was... Why would you lie? Well I don't know, I said my name was Emily Norman. And then I thought they'd go, oh, are you Barry Norman's daughter? And they didn't. No. So they just always thought I was called Emily Norman.

So you kept that going for a while? Well, no, I only met this person on a few times, but I thought, oh, no, this is awful. I was quite young, I was about 10 years old, and I said, oh, Emily Norman. And I just thought he was so famous that I thought they'd say, oh, are you Barry Norman's daughter? And they never did.

So I just became Emily Norman. My cousin, when he was at school, they they said what do you want to be when you grow up and he said an eskimo or a norman did he but he meant the um historical figures you wanted to grow up to be a norman hmm well an eskimo sure is an ethnic i mean you can't just grow into it no that'd be but i am who did you want as a dad? Did you ever have that thing of... Oh, yeah. I think Elton John would be my...

I'd like to find out that I am Elton John's love child, you know, mothered by Renata. I remember he was married to Renata. Wouldn't it be great? Can you imagine

Elton John's consternation if I turned up at his villa in Nice and said, Elton, I've got some papers here. I know this is a bit embarrassing, but you're my dad. You alright with that?

I think he'd be a wonderful father. I think he would well up come here, Frank. Do you think? Yeah. Big hug. He's not sure about... Actually, I met him once. He was very friendly to me. And then I did a sketch about him on the show. Oh, did he turn? He literally turned. I walked up to him and he literally turned his back on me.

He didn't? He did, yeah. Well, the children nowadays aren't grateful. No, it was a difficult... Yeah, but imagine being this. I don't want to be at the villa saying, Dad! Will you stop the Scissor Sisters going in my room when I'm not here?

Would I be allowed to call David Furnish, Mum? Would that be... Would that be acceptable? I think you'd be fine with that. Yeah, he's actually a very nice chap, David. I like mother figures. I would like Mary Portis to be my mum. I like mother figures.

Are you doing a rap? Yeah, I really like them mother figures coming round my house. No, Mary Portis would be a great man. Mary Portis? Mary Queen of Shops. Oh, I'm not familiar with her. Oh, you do know her. I was thinking it was that Irish singer off The X Factor.

No, she's got the sort of geometric red ball. Every night. Can you imagine it? No, I'm not familiar with Mayor reporters. And also, you might not know this one either, but the manager, who's the main manager off the model agency? Oh, you're getting very specific now. Tyra Banks. Tyra Banks.

No, not America's Next Top Model. This is who you want as your mother? I mean, I'm happy with my your mother. Someone who is a... I mean, I'm happy with my current mother. Oh, we're not suggesting for one second that you aren't. I mean, you know, neglect isn't final, I always say. Or Snow White would be a good mum. I've got to get into Disneyland somehow.

Can I briefly fess up? I also quite wanted Noel Edmonds to be my dad. Really? Yeah. No, that's because of Noel's Christmas presents. That? Yeah. Because I used to watch Swap Shop. No, that's because of Noel's Christmas presents. That's what that is. People, oh, imagine Christmas.

They didn't have that in our day, darling. They only had telly. That was on Multicoloured Swap Shop. And I just thought he looked really friendly and he had a nice beard. And I thought he'd be funny. I thought he was quite funny. No, I never fantasised about Noel Edmonds being my father.

I think I can honestly say that hand on heart.