The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 27 Apr

Episode Date: April 26, 2011

Frank shares his 'getting older' moments, Emily reads extracts from her childhood notes and Gareth takes Ethan to the Baby Gym.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hey, it's the Not The Weekend podcast from Absolute Radio.

I'm Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner, and I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hello. That was impromptu. No one would have guessed that. I'd rather liked it. It just zipped out of me there. That's like the whole show is a jingle. And then you could have very just spoken jingles.

Frank. We couldn't do a whole show as a jingle. People would become annoyed. Frank, can I just halt proceedings? Gareth, I'm a bit distracted by the way his headphones are. Could you just have a look? What's wrong with his headphones? Let's have a look.

Well, the hair is just going over the top of them at the back. It looks really weird. That's deliberate. How is it? Gareth's getting a bit touchy about his hairline, and I think he's actually got a sort of a... well, it's a plastic comb over. That's how it's operating, that particular headset. It's making it much worse.

Yeah, now that's better. I like wearing... I mean, we don't need to... when we do the Not The Weekend podcast, we don't really need to wear headphones because we don't play music. But I like, to me, I am always, a little part of me when I'm at Absolute Radio is Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam,

you know, when he's got their headphones on. Yes. And I love that. It makes me feel like a pro. Sometimes when I'm doing the show, I'll just pick up the headphones, listening to one, you know, you're just listening to one thing.

Oh, man, it's so... I might. ...feat the world. I might even call it a can sometimes. I haven't got that far yet. Haven't you? I might say to the producer, can you just check my cans?

I might say, these are broken, you're going to have to can the cans. See, thus being cool, but then throwing in a Susie Quattro reference and blowing the whole damn thing to pieces oh yeah self-destruct I don't know if you

when we talked about Britain's Got Talent I'm not going to talk about Britain's Got Talent at length because I know some people don't like it but there was one thing that happened actually on the first episode that threw me into a downward spiral. Do you know that they always have a lovable older character?

That's the kind of thing. So someone will come and you think, oh, and they only usually get through two or three rounds, but it's just a sort of sense that it's nice to old people. It's not just for the youth. Give the old bird a chance.

Yeah. And on this series... As you said to me, there was an old guy Give the old bird a chance. Yeah. And on this series... As you said to me, what on earth? Yeah. There was an old guy who, he did dancing. He did a bit of comedy dancing. Do you remember it?

And he'd gone in and he did, I can't remember what kind of dancing he did. He was a telecommunications engineer. Oh, I see, yeah. Retired, was he? Yes. And there was a retired, obviously. And he did... Well, I know you say that.

He did a little medley, Frank, didn't he? Yeah. It can be described as a medley. Of silly dancing and everybody thought, oh, how lovely and he's so sweet. So I watched all that and then it turned out he's 53. Which is a year younger than me. So I am older than the lovable, silly old character on Britain's Got Talent. Can you imagine how I felt?

I was watching that show, really enjoyed it, had a good time. And after that, it was like I was watching it on the sofa. Michael McIntyre was on one side, the other side was the grim reaper. He did look older, though, Frank. I hope he looked older. I thought he was about 80. He was younger than me. Oh, Frank.

I know what you mean there. They're not great, those moments, are they? Horrible wake-up calls. Well, not so much wake-up as go to bed. Oh, I'll tell you what happened. Actually, the go to bed is a point I went to bed in the day time I was so tired last week

I never do this I went to bed at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon I thought I'd have a couple of hours I'd feel a lot better that's a terrible soul destroying thing to do oh what did you sleep through or just have a nap I had one of those semi naps oh I know those ones I had a semi It's a terrible, soul-destroying thing to do. Oh, what, did you sleep through or just have a nap? I had a bit of one of those semi-naps.

Oh, I know those ones. I had a semi. Oh, God. But I still slept on. No, it was, it's very, I'd imagine, I could be wrong about this, but the way I felt, I could hear people, like children playing outside in the sunshine and I was in bed. It's how I imagine the dead must feel when they observe the living.

Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean. Welcome again, by the way, to Absolute Mortality, the news station in which we talk about death and the afterlife at length. Coming up soon, Ben Jones. Do you know what makes me feel old what everything no the fact that i'm living with my with some friends at the moment and my goddaughter who's about sort of 20 21 so she's going out lots she likes to party and i have discovered i've started waking up a lot earlier that's an age thing as well you get up really early don't you i have to get up early to loosen the jars.

Get the tops off. It takes me 25 minutes to get the top off a piccadilly. So I get up and have a go at them and then I'll let them settle and then I'll have another go nearer the meal. She's become my alarm call. So what happens is she gets in about 6.30, 7 o'clock. She gets in at 6.00. Yeah, she's been out clubbing. And I think, oh, that's good. Oh, she gets in about 6.30, 7 o'clock. She gets in at 6.30.

Yeah, she's been out clubbing. And I think, oh, that's good. Oh, she'll wake me up. I mean, it's terrible. I'm just reliant on it now. So she'd get into your bed and you'd get out. No. No, we're not.

Things aren't that bad. OK. You're not Polish builders. No. OK. But, you know, the other thing I find is the contents of your bag. You don't really have a bag. You have the FA Cup sack.

I wish you wouldn't bring that. I wish you'd never bring this up before. You have the of your bag you don't really have a bag you have the i wish you would bring that so you never bring this up before you have the fa cup sack don't you but no i always sit like this oh dear mine's more copper dill right drop some time ago the cup has fallen. It certainly has. Oh dear, that stopped the bus, I tell you. Carry on. I can't. So I find the contents of my bag has changed since I've got older. I'll bet.

So previously, it was always, it might have been an old cigarette packet with the phone number scrawled on it. I don't think I can go on and reveal the rest of the content. No. But, you know, it would have been, it was kind of, you know, symbols of a youthful existence, maybe. An old eyeliner, maybe. A few business cards, maybe. This was the younger you.

Yeah, the younger me. Now, Brolly and Spectacles. That's what's in my bag. Oh. Knocking on. I'm picturing it as a wild woodbine packet. Yeah, the younger me. Now, brolly and spectacles. That's what's in my bag. Knocking on. I'm picturing it as a wild woodbine packet. And part of the phone number is a place name. Whitehall 735.

Yeah, well, I've often lamented the fact that I don't think I'm capable of carrying a man bag without feeling terribly self-conscious. But I'd love to. Because I envy that in women, that thing about having all your bits and dabs. Oh, yeah. But no, I don't know what mine. I'd probably carry a jar of Marvel, the powdered milk. Yeah. It's always good when you get through the blue foil on the top, that first moment

you think, oh this will be nice, it's always a let down does it still exist, Marvel? oh I think so, it's a slimming age definitely here's an ageing thing, I stayed in a hotel in Norwich and when I got the fruit bowl, they'd put a fruit bowl often if you're a minor celebrity staying

at a regional hotel they'll give you a fruit bowl and They'd put a fruit... Often, if you're a minor celebrity staying at a regional hotel, they'll give you a fruit bowl and a card from the management. It's a nice time. They'd sugared my fruit. What do you mean? I mean that they'd tipped sugar all over the fruit. They had a... Yeah.

So the grapes and that was all covered in sugar. Have they seen your teeth? Well, perhaps they had. I thought, well, to hell with it. The trouble is, I thought, oh, God, I don't want to eat. I wanted some nice, healthy fruit. It's got sugar on it. Anyway, I had a couple of grapes.

I was absolutely hooked. I thought, I shall never eat fruit sans sucre again. They've even sugared the banana. What's the point in that? You need to unzip it, and then you need to. There's a lot of natural fruit crows there anyway. I tell you, the banana would have doubled as a sparkling crescent moon on an Xmas tree.

But, yeah, but it was lovely. That little blackcurrant, it was smashing. Try it. I'd say they put maybe, getting on for a pound of sugar, over the fruit bowl. It was thick with it, but oh boy, it was lovely. My moment when I realised I was getting older, which is similar to yours, Frank, of the dancing older man,

was when I realised I was older than Justin Timberlake. Aren't you older? But I think of him as a young man. I think of him as a young man. I think of him as a boy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm older than quite a young man. I think of him as very young. I think of him as a boy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm older than quite a lot of timber.

That's the way you got it. And, like, several, like. So, yeah. So don't come crying to me. I'll tell you something. When I went to bed in the daytime, something occurred to me. Because when I used to have a day off school, I used to stay in bed all day. I mean, I just loved it. It was great when I used to have a day off school I used to stay in bed all day. I mean, I just loved it. It was great.

I used to get stuff in the bed. You know, a bit of food and some comics and all. But it reminds me that as a youth, all through my childhood and into my teens, I used to keep stuff under my pillow. Comics and

just a notebook. So quite a lot of stuff under my pillow comics and um just a notebook it's quite a lot of stuff under my pillow i when did i stop doing that now maybe a handkerchief if i'm if i'm ill are you pjs as well no no they're nothing oh never never under the i miss it it was. It was kind of like the closest I ever had to a safe. I think I always imagined if we got burgled that I'd be able to say to the burglar, well, look, just carry on with it. I've got to be honest with you, I'm shattered. And they'd never... I'm just going to sleep on.

And they'd never spot it. But no, I felt strangely nostalgic about it, the stuff under the pillow. Yeah, I like... Well, I've actually had a it, the stuff under the pillow. Yeah, I like... Well, I've actually had a bit of a nostalgic weekend, Frank. Because my mother... I'm moving house, as you know. And my mother was having a clear out

and she was giving me some stuff to take with me. She's found all these notes that I'd written when I was a kid. I was a monster. Notes? Yes. I kept writing my autobiography, essentially. There's just hundreds of notes going, my life, my family story.

And then there's... Oh, I thought you meant post-it notes. No. Well, I did write her lots of notes as well. Milk a little warmer, MB. Well, you say that. Listen to this birthday card. Have a happy birthday, Mummy, and if you don't, it will ruin my life. Love, Emmy. That is not genuine.

It's there. It is there. Trust me, listeners, that is an actual... This is the kind of monster I was. If you don't, it will ruin my life. I'm just pitied we couldn't get that up into a greeting on the front of a card print. Did you mean that in a nice way, though? I can imagine you meant that in her...

I think I meant it in an awful way. Listen to this. I don't know about you, I don't like birthday greetings in an air of threat. I wrote a short story. You can hear the beginning and the end. It's called Why Did It Have To Be Me? That's the short story. OK. I'd always lived alone since I was nine months old.

Nine months old! Oh, God. I mean, this isn't my real life, obviously. I think I have put not a true story. I'd always lived alone since I was nine months old. My mother had died because of a heart attack. But to make matters worse, Flora had moved to this village

and my father was a drag queen who didn't like children. What? How old were you when you wrote that? I don't know. That's child writing. Yes, it's really child writing. I love the uniformity of child writing. You know how handwriting gets different as you get older?

But child writing, they all seem to dip from the same pot, if you know what I'm saying. Flora had moved to the village. Well, this is what? Margarine factory. Which is very handy if you're a drag queen. Why was I writing about drag queens? I'll read on.

So another nice family adopted me, so that was good. There was Susan, who was quite a bore because all she did was read books. Oh, I didn't like her. Anyway, this continues in some vein. I won't bore you with it. But do you want to know what the ending of this nice story is? You betcha. Soon she got

bored so I said, come on, let's take a walk. So we did. But I got lost. Then it started to snow and I froze to death. And my mother came and took me up to heaven. That's the kind of child I was, Frank. I like that it ends with a hint of the supernatural, though. Yeah.

Do you want to hear this? My life. I don't know. My life. I don't know anymore. It's so terrifying. Emily's surrounded by ancient parchments. Is this the autobiographical?

This is one of my autobiographies, yeah. My life. A long time ago, I went to Disneyland. My favourite thing there was the hotel. And I've done the hotel in red pen with an exclamation mark. I don't think you should have read this in front of Gareth. It's insane. Very upsetting.

It turns out that you're actually Gareth's mother. We discover now, aren't we? No wonder I feel old. Now, anyone else would like the ghost train best, but I like the hotel. So early science. Things have changed. Early science.

When you had breakfast, you could look out from the balcony and see nearly everything. Once when I was eating my toast my sister snatched it out so it fell onto the swimming pool. The end. Oh, it's the Copperdale Ray. Preempted. That's I'm really missing the point of Disney World.

Yes, I didn't understand that. You spent all day sitting on the balcony. This is what I mean. That's amazing, though. What an amazing and slightly terrifying child. There's just hundreds of them. My family story, you must help me. Was that that big sign you put up in your bedroom window? No, you must help me. My that that big sign you put up in your bedroom window?

No, you must help me. My problem is about my sister. Now that I'm seven, my sister is afraid that I will make some really nice friends that never go off and play with somebody else because she likes taking my friends away from me. Every day in the playground,

she starts... I should say that her sister's a serial killer. Convicted. She served her time. Let it go. Every day in the playground, she starts to shout, Emily loves Thomas, or something like that. Thank you for helping me. Love, Emily Dean. There you go. Was it a letter to Father Grimm?

I don't know who it was to. Oh, can you have gone with my sister? And can I have a barbie? Goodbye. You probably ordered a Klaus barbie. You know, the butcher of Leon. So, Frank, what do you make of all this? Well, I don't know.

It's not looking good for me, is it? I love seeing the child's writing. I went out with a woman and I gave a plastic toy to her nephew, which I'd just used on a show, and he was very thrilled. So he wrote me a thank you letter in exactly that kind of scrawly, one big letter, one small letter, one capital, one lowercase, like that, four colours used. And it was sealed, the letter.

So I read it, it was sweet. So I wrote another letter copying that one that said, keep your filthy hands off my auntie. I mean, but with more swearing. And I said to this woman, I said, you see what that letter that I got from her? Oh, God, she didn't find it funny at all. She was outraged.

It was full of filth. But it all in that child's writing. And a nice drawing at the end. I think it's nice that your mum has kept that stuff. Recently I discovered that in the last, when my mum and dad last moved. Was that when they got back from Disney? No, it was quite a while after that. But quite recently they threw out all my baby pictures.

What? What? I think by mistake, like my mum seems upset about it, but they threw out all pictures of me as a baby. But they kept the ones of your good-looking brother.

Yeah, they've got my brother's. They're framed. I think most of those are still with Storm. That's a terrible... Oh. Oh, God. And it was accidental.

I'm sure it was accidental. I think it was. They say it was accidental. They didn't place them on a bonfire individually. Amidst a swirl of incantations. Well, I mean, are they replaceable? No, completely irreplaceable. So now there's only a few, like...

You know the ones you don't put in albums? So they threw away all the albums. So, you know, there's just a pile of odd ones that you would never have put in an album. Didn't even make the albums. Yeah, there's just one of me as a child. That's a very odd photo of me, the only one left of me as a child, naked, laying in front of a gas fire, face down on the floor. Right. Looks like a murder scene.

Yeah, the gas fire's ignited, I hope. Oh, God. That's terrible, isn't it? It was all so jolly. Well, it wasn't jolly. It was slightly dark anyway. Like the drag queen father. Yeah.

I was still my child. It was a ray of sunlight. Did your mum keep these things? Did you write lots of... No, I don't. I have no thing. You had notebooks that were under your pillow. You must have wrote nice notes to your mum and stuff when you went back.

I have three sepia photographs of me in a top hat. And one wooden obby horse, I think, which I think we got for Queen Victoria's coronation. And that's it. I think for the working classes, the school photo was basically the record of your growth. There's about four pictures of me now as a child. Really? I would love to see those.

Well, yeah, they're... Did you have a camera in the house? We didn't have a family camera like a lot of people. It's quite unusual probably in those days. Next door had a box brownie, which we used to... Did you all put suits on for the camera like Sullivan? But the school photo... I've got a school photo of me wearing a badge that says Spaceman Pannott.

What? P-apostrophe-N-U-T. What? P-apostrophe-N-U-T. Have you Googled it? I must Google that. I think it was some sort of P-not promotional thing. But I don't quite... Oh, and they couldn't spell in Birmingham. Oh.

No, I think it was supposed to be cool to short me. It was, yeah, it was like, of that time, it was what went on to be things like, remember lip smacking, thirst quenching, that terrible thing. Yeah, so there's that picture. I think every other picture of me as a child, I've got a cold sore. It just, it seemed to always coincide with the photographer.

It's only not, anyway. To hell with it. We've got enough photos of me now, let's face it. Well, that's true um speaking of odd um abbreviations there was um photographs have been in the press of um i'm frightened to death oh bfm yeah it did sound like the beginning of a very sinister announcement emily and frank photographs have been in the press. Oh, BFM. BFM, if you're not,

if you're joined us of late, if you're basically a nomination chaser, then BFM is Britain's Fattest Man. What's his, Paul Mason? Is he friend of the show? He's a friend of the show when we've got cakes in, I've noticed that. Apart from that, we never see him.

Paul Mason, Californian craft. Pardon? That was what it was called. Remember, Paul Masson, Californian craft. Same name. Paul Mason, he did weigh 70 stone, didn't he? Yeah, there was a documentary about him on the telly you may have seen. Yeah.

But he's lost loads. He's 33 stone. He's down to 37 now. No, yeah, he's down to 37, yeah. He's lost, I think, 37. I mean, I'm getting a bit... It's going to be like Kate Watch with Kate Middleton. Everyone's saying, oh, down to 37.

He's not right. But I'm talking where the abbreviation comes in, as well as BFM, is that to celebrate his 33 stone weight loss, he went to Fish and Chicken. Oh, it's Fish and Chicken. A bit like Spice Man Pannot. Yeah.

I wish he'd gone to Spice Man Pannot. That would have been a marvellous thing. I don't know if he's got a Pannot allergy. Fish and Chicken. Fish and Chicken. You know, with the apostrophe N. I'm not familiar with that. Well, no one is.

Jane. Because guess what, Frank? Normally, it's Fish'm not familiar with that. Well, no one is. Jane. Because guess what, Frank? Normally, it's fish and chips. Yeah. But, oh, no. Because he's the world's fastest man. I guess he's off the cops. Well, not just that, but he has to have two main meals together.

He can't just... I've never heard of fish and chicken. Well, that's where he went. I'm guessing that... It's an independent. He's got a strange shoe on as well, which looks a bit like a pair of spats or something.

He's a strange man, isn't he? Spams. Spam in case he's trapped in a storm. I'm guessing the bloke who runs Fish and Chicken, the proprietor, thought, well look, I don't mind opening

a fast food chain, but what I don't mind opening a fast food chain. But what I don't want is people, if they're going to criticise it, to say it's neither fish nor fowl. Yes. So let's cover that in the title. Yeah. So do we imagine that there must be chips involved? Does it say what he ordered?

There'll be chips. What did he order? I don't know what he ordered. But he did say, it said he was in good spirits. So a lot. Quite a lot. He's been really unhappy. He was going to try and sue the council, I think. He thinks they've been treating him unfairly, I think. Oh, really?

Yeah. Let's not go into it. I think for building the pavement too close to his knees. You know what it was, Frank? I think by whispering I won't get in trouble. But what it was, it was when he lost the weight, he wasn't entitled to his benefits anymore. That's the problem. Oh, really?

So was it, really? Yeah, all his round-the-clock carers. All the round-the-clock carers. And he got angry and threw a trifle. You may remember from the documentary. He threw it? He was so angry, he threw a trifle. He went, no! I'm imagining he threw a trifle. He went, no! I'm imagining he threw a trifle, leapt onto a skateboard,

went to the other side of the room and plucked it out of the air like a dog with a frisbee. I have to say, I couldn't resist having a look at the comments in the mail, on the mail website about this. And somebody said, somebody from Surbiton said, well, people shouldn't have shopped and cooked for him. I mean, that was, you know, that was only worse. He said, if those people had been dismissed,

and this is a quote, he said, surely his weight would have levelled out. Yes, he would have had no food. He would have levelled out. He would have starved. But that's an interesting point, though, isn't it? Because how long would it take BFM to starve to death? If you're that fat, could you not eat for like six weeks? Survive for months, surely.

Like a camel. Yeah. And that picture of him naked. You know when some people, if I may use the phrase, have a camel toe? I don't know if you may use the phrase, actually. Okay, but it's like if you could imagine a tray of camel toes mixed together. There seemed to be a camel toe everywhere you looked on BFM. It's a bloke who's got a camel toe on his neck.

But the good thing is, he's lost all the weight now. He's getting in good shape. Yeah. If he just sorts his clothes out... Well, his look is sort of a black, all black tracksuit, and then he's got a bald head. He's sort of encroaching. A curious pair of spats.

He's getting slowly towards Boy George territory. Boy George not dressed up, but when he came in, he was wearing all just a black tracksuit I think he might be quite angry with that good luck with that see ya guy's been in prison he's quite well connected now

he should get a burkini it wasn't her it was definitely him Frank Skinner I'm definitely him that's all luckily i have a speculum i don't see i mean the whole thing is that he went and he ordered um fast food when he's supposed to be losing weight but yeah he's lost loads he's entitled to a little reward isn't he you know you know when you're trying when you're trying in a dog no he's cash to a little reward, isn't he? You know, when you're training a dog. No, he's cashed in his reward chips.

That's how BFM should be trained. If I was training BFM and he'd come to me and he said, I've lost 20 stone, I'd balance a burger on his nose like they do a dog with a biscuit. And wait, wait, go. And then he's, it's gone. I think it's quite sweet that he had one last nostalgic walk down Callery Lane. How do you know that's one last nostalgic walk?

That could be the beginning of the end. He didn't walk, he's got a little scooter. He can't walk. He goes round on the scooter. I know we talk much about BFM in his bad days, but I think we should celebrate the fact that he's coming out of it. Well done. He's gone to fish and chicken.

I don't think he's ever going to be T.F.M. But is he still BFM? I bet there's a fatter man than 37 Star. Well, that's the thing. He's even lost the accolade. Yeah, although he hasn't lost the lemonade. He's got four bottles that he carries everywhere with him in case he's trapped in a storm.

Take off the Spam socklets. And sit down. Lemonade and Spam will keep him going for 24 hours. That's the theory. Oh, dear. Oh, God bless him. All of him. I mean all of him. On the other hand, my

son Ethan, he's keeping very trim at the moment because we took him recently this week. I usually take him swimming on a Monday but it was half term. Oh no, it's his holiday so it's going to be very busy. So Laura booked him into the baby gym. Oh. And I've never taken him into the baby gym oh i've never taken

him to the baby you've never heard of a baby gym yeah some strange body fascist starting early come on work those buns well it's um it's kind of like on gym equipment not um like there's lots of balance beams there's a circuit for the babies to go round of balance beams for them to walk along. Jim! Kid him. How old are these children? Does he pump iron? He's two.

No, he doesn't pump iron, but there's more like gymnastics equipment than running machines. Does he go up to them and go, how much are you pressing? How many babies are we talking? There's probably 20 to 30 babies all going round. What? That's like chaos. Are you all going round. I was like, chaos!

Are you absolutely sure you haven't been tricked into a nappy advert? Did they say, can you move a bit like he's doing the Lombard? That? That is, I've never heard of such a thing. I've never heard of it frankly, but I want a ringside seat. Don't you? We're going there. I find it a bit

terrifying to be honest well it was a bit funny because i i'd never been before and that the the um there's assistants to help you so there's quite a high beam that they walk that they have to walk along and you hold their hands and then they're supposed to kind of do a flip off onto a crash mat and then roll do like a roll sideways down the mat and like they obviously can't, no, they can't do these things. So what you have to do as the parent is move them through the sort of routine. So sort of hold them by the waist and skin them in the ear. And I'd never been before, so the woman was like,

no, you have to grab them and you have to show them how it's done. You have to show them you mean business. And grab them by the legs and so, because then later they'll be able to do it themselves. And all, to show them you mean business, And grab them by the legs and so, because then later they'll be able to do it themselves. And all, show them you mean business. That's not fun. I never like it when men say that to me. No, but it's an odd instruction for childcare. Show them you mean business.

And I think they kind of, they're bringing what the gym is all about, which is the gym is not fun. No one goes to the gym for fun. No, no, I hate the gym. It's very regimented and Ethan he rebelled against the regimentation of the whole thing quite quickly.

He would run off and just join the circuit thing halfway through and was trying to make friends with people because at the adult gym you don't go there to make friends. I do. Do you? Yeah, we'll talk about that later. When I used to go to the gym Eleanor Bonham Carter used to go to my gym.

Really? And that's wrong. I don't want to see Eleanor Bonham Carter, a Gothic icon, in gym wear. Some of it wasn't even black. What? I only think of her in the Gothic context. I saw her on the rowing machine.

I thought, couldn't someone have done that up as a ghost ship? And put you in a lot of black lace and maybe an eye patch too normal and everyday I don't want to see Eleanor Bonham Carter like that yeah the cutest thing Ethan has done this week

which I know is a bit horrific just to tell cute baby stories but he was eating jelly in his um in his high chair in the gym bfm no in his high chair and he'd been throwing some on the floor and laura said let me i'm imagining it's coming out of a pot pie through a straw am i wrong no from a pot and he was throwing it on the floor which we try and like dissuade him from doing that and laura said no more don't do that again then she went out the room just a moment and she came in to see a big load of jelly on the floor

and so she was being strict with him said ethan he meant business yes ethan what what has happened and he went oh and then pointed to the window and said blackbird but what if that was true? It might have been true. That could have been... Yeah, he's all right blaming him. I'm still worried about the gym. So am I. It's left a very...

I started telling it, I was panicked. I think he realised it was slightly unsavoury. It does honestly seem... I hate those adverts with kids, like the mass baby. You know when they say this tiny creature represents a miracle of life, but we still think it could be improved by CGI. That. Isn't it, they're so, they're naturally developing,

and all their bones and everything is all naturally. Yeah, it wasn't fun. He rebelled from it. And then they did racing, which I just thought, oh, give everyone a break, you know, just play. Ethan doesn't want to do racing. Well, he could have fell off the horse. Could have been a terrible... But also, Frank, it's the one time in your life

you're allowed to be a bit chubster. Surely, when you're a child. Yeah. Then, and pregnancy. That little moment of innocence. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. I want to see a child, you know,

if I see a child with a dummy in his mouth, on the ring, on the end, I yeah i want to see a child you know if i see a doll with a dummy in his mouth i don't on the ring on the end i don't want to see locker keys freedom no it's right ethan really likes chasing he likes chasing that might be a bit worrying as he gets older chasing and pretending to be a monster. That's his best games. What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it... Oh no, it's just a bloke with a snorkel hood parka. Relax everyone.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.