The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 27 Oct

Episode Date: October 26, 2010

Frank questions the act of holding hands, Gareth perfects his impression of Jedward and Emily talks female boxing.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. So they'd say,

have you got a match? And you'd say, not since Errol Flynn died. I see. I don't understand. Well, you know. Google it. Tell me later. This is Frank Skinner,

Absolute Radio, and Not Weekend Podcast with Emily and Gareth I've got that moment you know when there's a newsreader and you think oh no just cough don't try and talk through it it makes me very anxious

have you got a cough button? cough button? you have a cough button so you press a button and you're allowed to cough oh I thought it was some sort of confectionery I thought that was a FOMO term for cough sweet a button a cough button, so you press a button and you're allowed to cough. Oh, I thought it was some sort of confectionery. I thought that was a FOMO term for cough sweets.

A button. A cough button. Sounds like something that would get touched in a school medical, if required. I'll tell you what, listeners, if I may call you that, is that we all went out for lunch. I mean, the whole team, all five of us. You all had carbs. It was great. Yeah.

You didn't have any chips but took mine. Well, let's not go through the meal blow by blow. But anyway, we were talking and Emma, our producer, had been on a 10-mile walk, was it? Yeah. From Birmingham to somewhere else. The driver let them down. She's got a bus, yeah.

It was, you know, and she went with her husband, which is, you know, nice. And I said, my first question was, did you hold hands? And you did, didn't you? Yeah. What percentage of the journey would you say? and I said, my first question was, did you hold hands? And you did, didn't you? Yeah. What percentage of the journey would you say? 80%. That's eight miles. And was it in eight miles and then at the end it trailed off,

or did you relax now and again just to disswet the palm and then return? Was it intermittent? Intermittent. Okay. So we were talking, it got us onto the hold, and I've been thinking about this, about the holding hands. It's tricky. I mean, I think you get to an age where holding hands is...

If I hold hands now with my girlfriend, it looks a bit like I'm being led. I know what you mean. And it's not so good. And I also, I'm haunted by the image of Mr. Orchard. Who's that? Our school teacher, who brought his... He used to hold hands with you?

No, he brought his girlfriend to a school hockey match. And I remember the way, he walked on with his hands behind his back, right? He's one of those people. So when he was with his girlfriend, he on with his hands behind his back, right? He's one of those people. So when he was with his girlfriend, he still had his hands behind his back, but he had one, the index finger of his right hand was extended. And she just held on to the index finger. I actually cringe when you say that. Now I thought there was some dark imagery for a school-based event.

Yeah. So she was just holding this one... Horrible old... Well... Using him as a puppet. Do you know what I don't like, Frank, about the hand-holding? I'm not a big fan, I have to be honest. No.

I mean, I am quite cold. That, I just don't like... Cold hands, warm heart. No, cold heart. OK. But what I don't like about it is that for the man, I would say, quite nice, lovely, little, dainty, delicate, manicured paw. For us, great big old lamb shank we've got to grab hold of.

I don't like holding the male hand. I have to be honest. Really? It's large, it's cumbersome, I won't have it. I never thought of that. Sometimes it's gnarled. Often in my case. I don't suppose you know any manual labourers, but

I mean, when I was a kid, every bloke I knew... I've had rough trade. They all had really bashed up factory hands, everybody, but you don't see that in London, of course. Do you know what I hate, Frank? The hand in the back of the jean pocket. Not a fan of that. I won't have that.

And Do you know what I hate, Frank? The hand in the back of the jean pocket. Not a fan of that. I won't have that. And the trouble is, if any money goes missing, then there's always a doubt. My grandma always used to say that her and my grandfather, she would hold her hand and then put both hands in his pocket. A front pocket? A front pocket. I think of a coat, of horrible i don't know if she should have told you that no probably i think that that that went down as courtship in

the day where did they meet in an escort agency oh i don't like that and i don't like the arm around the waist some people walk like that i think often the insecure male will put his arm completely around the woman is that what it is? Because I had an ex-boyfriend that would grab, I felt like a toddler on reins. He would grab hold of me around the waist all the time. I couldn't, I couldn't roam free. We're talking about in the street now, aren't we? Yeah, yeah.

Yes. No, I don't like, some people they'll put their hand around their shoulder, you know. Yeah. Like, no. What we're saying is, we're not very demonstrative. I think probably it was ingrained in me as well when I was a philanderer that I never used to hold hands because if any woman said to me,

someone told me they saw you with some blonde-haired woman in Hampstead, I'd say, no, she was trying to overtake me and I was bending her off. Whereas if you're holding hands, you've got no backup. You're banged to rights, as it were. You never know who's going to come round the corner. That's the philanderer's motto. Well, you've got celebrity concerns as well. Obviously not anymore.

Me neither. What do you mean? No, no. Oh. That was very insensitive. I mean, we could have built up to that. No, Frank. It was like a solar plexus punch. I meant...

As developed by, I think, gentleman Jim Corbyn. Oh, God. Sorry. No, what I meant was you've got no concerns in the thing of being discovered because you've been in a long-term, very happy relationship.

Well, that's true. So you don't mind if someone sees you with care? I would have thought that Twitter's completely put a stop to the celebrity affair. But anyway... No, it hasn't.

But anyway, that's another story. Yeah, so no, I'm not sure. I mean, you're a married man, Gerard. Would you and Laura hold hands on the front? I mean, at Bournemouth? Sometimes. We've got a little boy now, so sometimes

we hold hands with him. He swings. Or, the problem is, though, he hasn't got the hang of holding hands because he will just get distracted by something and stop in the street and start walking in another direction when you're holding hands. Can I just say, Gareth, every time I've seen you with Laura, you've been holding on for dear life, which is rather sweet. I need to make it work.

Yeah. I've done well. I've done really well. It's good if you're married and still holding hands. Oh, it's romantic. Yeah, that's a good sign. And what about, I'm not, my girlfriend sleeps about as far away from me whilst remaining in the same bed that it's possible to do as well. So we don't even, you know, when you see people in films and they sleep entwined.

Well, this is the thing. And I mean, traditionally, the cliche goes that the woman wants to cuddle at some point, if you know what I mean. Not in our house. No, but after events, women like a little cuddle.

That's what they say. Like the coronation, things like that. Yeah. Yeah, the Lord Mayor's show, I think. And the man just wants

to go straight to sleep. No, well, it's not like, I'm on about when we just, you know. No, I know, when you're just sleeping.

But then that's what that merges into the cuddle. I'll tell you what I don't like. You know sometimes you're all over in the night and you're facing. Oh, I hate facing. I don't like the breath on the face. I will not. Sometimes, with Kath,

sometimes she's got very intense breath through the two nostrils. It's like being drilled. Yeah. It's like being next to a shy horse. I won't have the breath through the two nostrils. It's like being drilled. Yeah. It's like being next to a shire horse. I won't have the breath on the face. I don't like... I don't like sometimes...

Yeah, I don't like to look at them. I mean, that sounds... Well, it's dark. No, but I know what you mean. I don't like falling asleep. I thought you'd look at them just to refresh your memory. Well, there is that. But I don't like...

I don't like anyone looking at me when I'm in the act falling asleep. Do you know what I mean by that? Yeah. Well, obviously I'm wearing a gimp mask. So that offers a little privacy. Now, we've got a bit of a special moment here. It's a British premiere.

Because some of you will remember Garrett's amazing David Mitchell. yeah in fact could we have could we have a reprise today just to set this up a little bit david mitchell i am it's a bit impromptu but i'll do my best you have to get into it and um no it's not working perfectly but is that okay yes it's a david mitchell as charlie's aunt yeah but but you're working on a new one yes i've been working on it i've got a bit of a cold. Oh, excuses

before we've even... Would you like to hear my Jedward? Yes. Do you do both? Well, it's good because two birds with one stone because they talk the same. How do they actually speak though? I don't know how they speak. You don't know how they speak? Oh, I would if I heard an impression.

Exactly like this. Exactly like I'm just about to. So I'm going to read from an article in this week's paper that they've finally started spending their money. They spent £20,000. I read that on memorabilia. Yeah, memorabilia. A China-based Icons Auction Legends site.

China-based? With a Chairman Mao memorative plate? Yeah, there were some sea-stained trousers from the walk, the long walk. It's really good stuff. No one else in the world has it. We bought a Britney Spears suit. She wore it in a Pepsi commercial. We got a signed limited edition Michael Jackson

doll and a signed bed sheet of his, also signed by Macaulay Culkin. Which is a little... Anyway. We also bought some outfitsacaulay culkin which is a little anyway we also bought some outfits from batman like the riddlers and some clown thing i like it there we see you think you don't know how they speak but anyway that's absolutely absolutely excellent it's got the panic of youth as well the panic of youth a novel baby i haven't said that for a long time since she's died it doesn't seem right i don't why. The fags got to her in the end. She should hang around with them.

Cilla Black will go the same way. She's been warned. And also, wasn't there a... I can't remember what it was. There was an Ethan story. You've got a letter. Ethan's first letter.

Ethan's first letter. I, Ethan's first letter. That's always a big moment. I still remember my first letter. What was it? Well, I wrote, I was a big fan of Dennis Law. Do you remember Dennis Law? I'm glad you said Dennis Law. I thought you were going to say Dennis Nielsen.

Yeah, Dennis the Menace, they called him. And I wrote to him and said, can I have your autograph? And he sent me back a flyer for shredded wheat. Wow. Because he was on the cover of the shredded wheat packets, and he just filed it up a leaf, shredded wheat leaf. He's had the printed autograph on it, you know, printed on it, not written on it. And he just sent me that.

So he sent me an advert for shredded wheat. Wow. Very emotional. That's good advertising, grassroots advertising. Yeah, it's very interesting, sort of one-on-one approach. It's horrible sending a child a promotional thing. It's disgusting.

But you know, these were less enlightened times. I remember my first letter. It was a royalty check. Anyway, tell me about your hands. Well, I think you've missed realities, how you pronounce that. Oh, no, I never got one of those. Still waiting. I think that was missed realities how you pronounce that oh no I never got one of those still waiting I think that was lost in the post

it was quite official looking and it was awkward because he's 15 months old and so do you can he read? no he can't read he can say words he can say the odd word but he's quite you know they're not supposed to be able to talk

he's advanced but he can sort, he started saying no quite a lot. He's learned how to say no. I've never learned how to say that. If you ask him any questions, say no, no. But then if he means yes, so would you like to read this book? No. Would you like to read this one? No.

Would you like to read this one? No. You sure? Yes. Oh you like to read this one? No. Would you like to read this one? No. You sure? Yes. Oh, okay. So we've pressed. Yeah. Okay.

So yes. So I opened it for him. Is that legal? I don't know, but... Never stop my parents. Well, I don't think you're... I'm not sure you're allowed to open someone else's mail legally. No.

Anyway. Was it from Shredded Wheat? Well, it was bad news. It was bad news. Library books are overdue. His library books? Yeah. I mean, you know, you try to bring them up as well as you can. But, you know, what can you do?

He's young yet. We feel partly responsible. So are they sending him a fine then? No, you don't get fined if you're a child. Well, that seems unfair. Different rules for different sorts. You can't have income. Well, get one then.

No. Not hanging around. That's true. If the library's only fine, people have an income. Get a life. He gets offers, but he goes, no.

That's what he said when they offered him job seekers, but he goes, no. That's what he said when they offered him job seekers and hours. He went, no. When he wants to watch, he doesn't get asked if he's available for work, because he'll lose his benefit if he says no. Do you get toll benefit for him, incidentally? We do, yeah.

I'm pretty sure, yeah. I think so. Good. If the Tories have anything to do with it, the condems. We can't get into politics. Sorry, I don't think we can get into politics. I mean, I don't know what Absolute would say if we got into politics. Exactly. It'd be an absolute scandal.

We don't know what anyone voted here. I'll tell you what happened to me recently. This is a genuine, and I don't want to play to my stereotype, but I was sitting at home looking at the Premier League table, at which point West Bromwich Albion were sixth. Oh yeah, because you're doing quite well, aren't you? And I'll tell you what I did.

I found myself just looking at it with a warm glow, savouring it. And I realised that I'd been looking at it, I would say between four and five minutes, just blissed out. And it's a lovely thing because it's, you know, people think that you have to go on a big flash holiday and all that to be happy. But often it's the simple things in life. Would you agree?

I would. I love things like that. I'll give you an example. Sometimes, if I'm upstairs in the evening, and I think I've done my eating for the day now and my drinking. I don't think I'll drink again now because I don't want to be weaning in the night. I think while I'm up here, I've done my eating, I'll clean my teeth now. So I'll clean my teeth. When I go to bed knowing that they're

already cleaned that i don't have that to do i feel absolutely pissed out i think oh teeth already done when you remember sometimes i've gone into the bathroom reach for the brush i thought this is a bit wet oh teeth already done done it already no i do that at the moment because ethan brushes his teeth after breakfast so I brush them at the same time. Oh, he can brush his teeth. He can't get a job, but he can brush his teeth. Or paint, or take his library books back. So I'll hold him by the

mirror and show him, because mostly he just sucks the toothpaste off the toothbrush. But I'll do it. And then later on I think, oh, I need to brush my teeth. And no, I don't, because I already did it while Ethan was brushing his teeth. Well, don't you gethan to do yours as well why is that he does try but usually yes i can see he's been doing it recently yes do you know what i love no not that i like it when i've been out got all my clothes and the best thing i like doing i get undressed and then

i like to get straight into my Jimmy Jams. I don't like to ever wear clothes in the house, only Jimmy Jams. So as I put them on, this is really embarrassing, when I was a kid, if something was nice, I would say, I had this little thing, I'd go, nigh-nigh, if something's nice. So I still sometimes will put my Jimmy Jams on and I'll say aloud to myself, I'll go, nigh-nigh,

because I feel all nice in my Jimmy Jams on and I'll say aloud to myself, I'll go, no, no, because I feel all nice in my Jimmy Jams. Oh, I love it. I do that thing, if I decide I'm staying in, then I'll put my floppies on. You know, you just get tracksuit bottoms and a big baggy top. The floppiest clothes you can possibly get. Not a buckle, not a belt, not a zip in sight. Just floppy, oh, the floppy material. But on the Jim Jam subject, another great joy of mine I've found

is if I wake up in the night and I really, really want to urinate. Oh, I hate that. Which is sometimes fine. I'll fight it. I'll think, I don't want to go there. And I'll try and get back to sleep. And it's getting worse and worse. It's like someone's got my innards in their clenched fist.

And eventually I'll go, no, no, I'll go and do it. And when you come back from having done that, knowing that you've done it, there's a glow. There's an inner glow, isn't there? Well, it becomes like a chore on the to-do list, doesn't it, I find? Oh, but when it's done, you really feel that you've, you know, you've knuckled down and done something. Of course, you know, in my drinking days, I just

went there. But I find that blissful. Also, I only shave every other day. When I wake up in the morning and realise it's a non-shaver. It's another job. It's the little things. Yeah. I maintain that. Something I think

might bring me pleasure is that the bbc are going to start showing um women's boxing yes i read that and also because is it that woman jane count she is a famous female celebrity boxer from blackpool yes now didn't she like fancy you or something i remember some well i don't know how much of this I can tell. She was on my chat show. That was it. I remember that you knew her. And afterwards, she was very friendly in the green room.

Oh, it's all gone a bit... Summer nights. She got friendly down in the sand. She asked me... Let me think now what I can say. She asked me if I'd like to go to see her fight in Copenhagen. And she said you can. How did she?

Wonderful. She said you can go as entourage. Did she? What's entourage? Well, I think it's entourage. Oh, I see. But she said she'd put you down and, you know. I thought that was some gladiator or something.

Yeah. And. Entourage. Yeah, she was. I didn't. I mean, she's very... I can imagine she was in great shape. She was still fighting at the time, but I... She had the sort of...

I'm not allowed on the couch. No. Oh. No, but I did. To be honest, it's... You'll be sleeping on the couch if you finish this anecdote. Yeah, you're right. But she was...

But I have seen women's boxing. I was in Las Vegas, and Frank Bruno was fighting Mike Tyson. I wasn't just there for the hell of it. I went for that fight. And on the undercard was two women fighting. One of the things, there's no defense in women's boxing at all. They basically just stand there about a foot away from each other and just punch each other really hard. Power punching. They don't bob

and weave. Yeah. So I went to, because they used to weave in the old days. That's all they did. And I went to the press conference after and Don King introduced this woman and she says she's a really knockout lady in the sense of

good looking as well as hitting people in the head. But it was all right. You'd think it might be a bit unnerving to see women really hitting each other hard, but it was fine. Oh, I love it. You've never been out in Cardiff. I used to live in Cardiff. And if you want to see women punching each other, that is the place. Go out in the evening there. Well, I once... but in an organized way i once saw two women having a fight and a lot of blokes was gathering around laughing

i don't know i've told you this before and i say that a lot just lately let's just accept i occasionally repeat myself and they started off slapping and all that and all these and suddenly one of them big loop here hearings earrings loop or hoop big hoop earrings she grabbed the two hoops and just went oh she didn't yeah and and that's not marcus of queensbury either no i won't have that and her ear lobes just sort of went there's a lot of blood in an ear lobe that's why they take it so that was a scary moment i've seen women wrestlers. Oh, God. There used to be a woman called... Yeah, but that's on pay-per-view channels.

No, no, this was... I think it was every first Thursday at the Hen and Chickens on Wolverhampton Road. It was grab-a-granny night on Wednesdays. And the wrestling... Is that a sort of wrestling as well? Well, it could be.

Lovely breakfast. There's a woman called the Black Widow who used to have like a leotard and a mask with a big web going up. I bet that had seen some action. She used to come on and do the most elaborate V sign I have ever seen to the audience because she'd get booed. She'd do a V sign that started just above the wrestling boot

and ended about three feet above her head with one mighty swooping V sign. I'm imagining her as a sort of female Shirley Crabtree. Well, she wasn't that... She was big, but she wasn't a beast by any means. She was an imposing presence. And then there was a woman called Miss Cleopatra all the way from Egypt.

That's what they always used to say. I remember Miss Cleopatra all the way from Egypt once saying to the referee, you're going to tell her, I ain't taking no more of that. I'll smack her in the face. And I thought, it's not the Nile Delta. It's got people from all over.

I love a bit of boxing though, Frank. You do box, don't you? I do it with, you know, Brown, my celebrity trainer. He's got a new celebrity client, by the way. I don't know if I can say. I might get in trouble. I don't care. He does Clive Owen. So it's me, Ivor Baddiel and Clive Owen. That's quite good.

Who is that? Clive Owen? Yeah. Oh my god. He's like a massive film star. He's gorgeous. He's in Children of Men. Closer. Did you see that one Clive Owen? Yeah. Oh my god, he's like a massive film star. He's gorgeous. He's in Children of Men. Closer. Did you see that one? Closer. Yeah. Oh god, not only do I not know him, I know. James Bond. I know. Oh, did that? Yeah. I'll show you a picture. That was Ken Dodd,

wasn't it? Ken Dodd. But anyway, so Brown and I, I do boxing. Oh, I'm so good at it. I love it. He said I had a very impressive reach. Don't look at me like that. It's my arm span. No, I know what a reach is.

That's good. Because you're quite... I think there's a mathematical formula. I think your reach is the same as your height, if I remember right. But I'm little. I'm small. I'm a bit Maradona proportioned.

I've got little pistons, though. I think we are the same from head to toe as we are from extended arm fingertip to fingertip. Is that right? I think that's right. According to that, you know, that diagram of Leonardo, of the man standing with his arms outstretched. Well, the height, it's a circle, so the arms outstretched is the same as the height. Oh. Do you see?

Yes, I do. Do you remember, I watched a programme, the thing we talk about in this programme is idiot eureka, is it idiotic eureka moments? Yeah, I-E-M. When something, you realise something very late in the day. And we were talking about this Channel 4 thing about Prince Harry getting kidnapped by the Taliban, the day and we were talking about um this uh channel four thing about prince harry getting

kidnapped by the taliban and i said they could they should have called it when harry met ali i love that but then i thought that rings a bell actually and then i realized there was a program called when harry met ali which i've actually had on sky plus for about three months about Harry Carpenter and Muhammad Ali. And I'd only just got that pun by a sort of strange roundabout. So I watched it last night. Oh, did you? What it didn't have was one of my favourite boxing clips of all

time, which was I think Alan Minter fought was it Marvin Hagler? It might have been. And Harry Carpenter's saying, I've never seen scenes like this in a British box. There's Was it Marvin Hagler? It might have been. And Harry comes to say, I've never seen scenes like this in a British box. There's bottles being thrown. This is an absolute...

Oh, and I've been hit on the head by a bottle. It was absolutely wonderful. That's brilliant. Oh, I love the late Harry. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio. With Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.