The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast- 29 June

Episode Date: June 29, 2011

Frank feels the pressure when asked to sign a plaster cast, Emily has an incident involving retro gestures and Alun has a clothing problem.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hey, it's not the weekend podcast.

Very popular, I'm told, by the management. This is Frank Skinner for Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily. Hi, Frank. And also... Yeah, you guessed it. I'm also with Alan Cochran. So we're in a small judo.

A small judo, of course, is a place where they do judo. Yes. Oh, the coconut matting, it's everywhere. The coir. The smell of coir in here. Nice. Keep the people on board, the regular listeners. Exactly. You know, I've been spending a lot of time on my own just lately. Nice Keep the people on board, the regular listeners Exactly

I've been spending a lot of time on my own Just lately And everything's fine Just worked out that way And I was watching Countdown Right a couple of days ago And I don't know if you ever do this But when the thing comes up

When they get all the letters together And they say, you know, vowel, consonant, dawn, and then you've got 30 seconds, often it looks a bit like a word. You know, it looks roughly like one. So it looked a bit like occasion. It had a couple of S's and an N, the one I was looking at yesterday. So I just messaged about, I went, occasion.

And then I had them saying well no there's no there's no enemy is there and then me saying oh does it have to be exact completely destroy the whole theory these are the things i do when I'm alone, ladies and gentlemen. Format ruining. I like that you do that. Format ruining. Yeah. It's a time on an art. So, I went visiting the sick this week. And a friend of mine... How was David Williams? I mentioned... I said the sick, not the creepy.

I mentioned on the show last week, I think, that friends of mine were involved in a horse and cart accident in Romania. Yes, you did. And they got quite bashed up. So I went to see them this week, Carmen and Dan, my friends. And Carmen had broken a leg in the fall.

And when I say in the fall, I don't mean like last September. I mean... And she was never in the... Anyway. She was no Brixie. No. And she said, oh, do you want to sign, you know, sign my plaster cast?

And I felt immediately pressure. Because I felt immediately pressure. Because I don't know if this is something I've only felt since I've been a professional jester. But if you're asked to do something like that, you think, well, this is going to be shown to other people. Frank Skinner wrote that. They're going to say, oh, very funny, is he?

You know what I mean? I can hear. I can hear. Distant voices echoing over the next few days of people thinking, oh, I won't be watching his shows again, right? So I feel, I get the same thing with visitors' books in hotels, cards sometimes. Leaving cards, birthday cards. Oh, God, yeah. Sometimes, get this, people will write to me with a wedding card and say, would you put a funny message on it, you know, to be read out by the best man. I mean, for God's sake, that's competition then. You might have three or four funny

things, they know all the in-jokes, they know the background on these people, and then here's one from a professional comedian. Nothing. Anyway, with... Where was the cast? Can I say, how funny did you have to be? was it leg or arm?

it was it was very visible leg oh that's a lot of acreage anyway so I mean on this occasion I wrote

the cast of Carmen oh that's good that's good it's an operatic joke yes it's alright see it's only alright I don't really get it.

It's more my fault. You don't get it? I get Carmen, but I don't... Well, the cast of, as in the people in the opera. The cast of Carmen. Am I right, Frank? Yes. Yeah.

See, I was feeling quite buoyant about it. Well, can I just say I think it's quite a fine joke. I'd be proud to have that. Well, I mean, it's split the crowd down the middle, let's face it. I mean, is she in the theatre? No, but she doesn't have to be. Anyway, that's exactly my problem, you see. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that was the best. I thought that was one of my best. It's high stakes, isn't it? They're immortalised as well, you know. It's like putting your hands in the cement of what's at the boulevard wherever. And also, you know, I don't know about you, but I feel my comedy has evolved.

It's Darwinian, my comedy over the years. I might have written cheap, lewd stuff in visitors' books in the 1990s that I wouldn't want to put my name to now, but my name is To It Put. There is more pressure on you guys, though,

because I would, for example, if there was a leaving card and neither of you were right, if I see Frank writing in a joint card, I go to his first because I think, oh, this will make me laugh, this will be funny. The bar's high. Often it does. Not always. Sometimes not so much, though.

No, I know, that's it. You can't, you know. It's those days as high. Often it does. Not always. Sometimes not so much, though. No, I know, that's it. You can't, you know. It's those days that break my heart. I will say that Dan and Carmen said that they were in a hospital in Romania and it was a bit bleak and Dan was in a ward. He couldn't speak Romanian, so he couldn't speak to anyone. They were both in terrible pain and et cetera, et cetera. And he said, luckily, I had about five or six of your podcasts on my iPod

and that got us through it. So what about that? Oh, I do love that. What about that for a review? It was probably pre-Cockrell, though, wasn't it? Pre-Cockrell and his terrible review. I think they were pre-Cockrell. Yeah, that's true.

Sorry about that. Well, you know. God of everything. I'm not saying they wouldn't have liked them. My comedy's Darwinian as well. Is it really? There's been a certain amount of natural selection involved. Earlier on when you said that you saw Bo Burnham and then had to sprint,

I was thinking I've had a few gigs like that. Earlier on? That was last Saturday. That's right, yeah. I like the way you're saying this is the time continuum of the podcast it's in a few entire audiences think i'm so good they have to sprint immediately after it mine has been darwinian in the sense of the survival of the filthiest in the early days oh very good but but but now i feel well it's an example of my darwinian humor right uh a man goes into the pub and the barman says what do you think still developing the actual punchline i feel the beginning of it is more

evolved than the i'd like a uh i'd like a catch-all joke for autographs i very rarely get asked but i feel exactly the same pressure that's what what I need, something I always use. Yeah, just one really good gag, but I haven't come up with it yet. For example, Save Hands, David Seaman. Oh, is that what he published? Did he actually used to write that? He always wrote Save Hands, David Seaman. I don't know, because just so you know, just FYI, Alan, my family banned us from asking people for autographs.

Did they? Yeah, so we weren't allowed, so I've never gotten any. But I didn't know that about him. I like safe hands. Yeah, safe hands is good. And I got one from, when I was doing, oh, many years ago, I used to do a football programme on the television, and I got a letter from a bloke who worked for some sports organisation,

and he signed it, yours in sport. Nice. Yours is. And I have used that and people say, what do you mean? What does that say? Because my R's aren't very good. Spont. Yours in sport. Then I'm in, you know. Spount. Yeah. Yours in spouts. Yours in spouts

might be good. Then you're really theirs. Sportingly yours. You could just adapt it. Yeah, but I don't want to plagiarise my... And some people, you know, I have seen this one in Autograph Book, where people write, they'll sign on the inside cover, not on the first page, on the inside cover, and write, by hook or by crook, I'll be first in this book.

Oh, right. Oh, Frank, I'd forgotten about that. That does go on. Yeah. I once got Lee Mack sign something for me. Really? Yes, and he says, Dear Emily, thanks for hanging around the stage door

and showing me your rack. Was that when you were in the stage lighting business? Yeah. And torture. No, but it was meant to be nice, and then he tried to put me down so people would just think I was one of those girls if we can get any suggestions

in from the listeners I would love like a set you know a template that I always use that's what I'm after Caster Carmen Caster Carmen's alright I know it's alright I thought you were going to put something like,

I haven't been plastered since dot, dot, dots, but it's not as good as Caster Carmen. But then I, if you put I on a plaster cast, I think it feels like it's referring to the person. Yeah. See, it's not just comedy, it's grammar. Absolutely. Yeah?

Who knows? I signed a lot of autographs as Lurch the Redcoat when I was a redcoat. Did you really? I was nicknamed Lurch, and so loads of the kids never knew my real name. They just all thought of me as Lurch. And I ended up just putting Lurch and just drawing some really long legs with feet. Brilliant. Yeah, it was really easy, but no funny message just some big

no but I mean you don't need a funny message if you're lured to the red coat exactly not with that it's all there

there's probably podcasters now thinking oh it's him they're adults now I briefly when I was a child actress Alan

I got asked my autograph a couple of times normally on location when they ask anyone for autographs and I must have been about normally on location when they ask anyone for autographs. And I must have been about eight or nine when I was signing these autographs. And I couldn't, my signature wasn't matured,

sufficiently matured. So I thought I'd develop an autograph style. And I did a pound, I turned the E for Emily into a pound sign. So it was pound, milli, di. You don't want that from a child star. You don't want to start with a pound sign. It's all about the money. Sounds like you're really cynically interacting already.

What I like about Lurch the Redcoat is there's a hint of pump up the volume about it. It sounds like something that a DJ would shout. Come on, Lurch the Redcoat! Now, Frank, Alan was sharing something rather worrying with me and it was related to a pair of celebrity jeans This is true I last week tried on a pair of specific branded jeans

I don't know if we can reveal I was trying them on, really thinking about buying these jeans and they're quite pricey Can you get non-specific branded jeans? You probably can, can't you, on the market? Yeah, on the market. But they weren't on the market. They were in a fashion wear shop in the northern quarter in Manchester. And I tried them on and was thinking,

I'm going to treat myself at some point to those jeans. And then whilst channel hopping the other day, I saw Andrew Marr in a pair on his Cities programme, whatever it is, and had a moment of going, is this my ambition now, to dress like an off-duty newsreader? Oh, no. And I'm not sure if I should let it put me off, because he doesn't seem like a badly turned out man.

Were they similar jeans he was wearing? They were the exact same jeans. They must have had a lot of detailing on them these jeans well they're edwin and you can sort of see on the back pockets you can tell what they are and he walked past the camera in in one of his not in a suit moments you know and i thought oh he's wearing edwin oh smart cash cashmere. I should say he's a bit more than a newsreader, isn't he, Andrew Marr? Journalists. Yeah. Journalists slash philanderer. Adulterer as well, yeah.

Yeah, OK, but, you know... He called it, he admitted it. Yeah, did he use the word adulterer? No, but I am. No, exactly. I don't think he nailed it quite like that, did he? I mean, for goodness sake. I am an adult.

I mean, what is he? Is he going to be sackclothed and ashed around London? If I had my way, yes. But never mind that. What about these jeans? Should I have let it put me off? Well, let me totally frank. I think certain men in jeans, it's a bit off-duty CEO.

That's what you've got to be wary of. Well, I have sort of... I haven't worn a pair of jeans now for about three months. I put them on one day and I looked in the mirror and I thought midlife crisis chic and I haven't gone back there. Right. Are you at the Chino stage?

Corduroy? No, no, no. Corduroy. No, no, not unless I go back into academia. Right. But I'm, Andrew Moore I imagine likes a wrangler. That's what I've heard. That's what he got in so much into academia. Right. But Andrew Marr, I imagine, likes a wrangler. That's what I've heard. That's what he got in so much trouble for. Because I think he's a man who likes a single seam on the inner thigh.

That's my guess. Again, isn't that part of his problem? Yeah. And what I like about it, again, in rapper style, I think a Marr wrangler sounds a bit like a cleaned-up version of something a rapper might call someone. Yeah, this real marangler! Hey, you maranglers out there!

And also, it gives Andrew, then, a bit of a sort of an urban feel. He's definitely a grime. But, yeah, whatever he's wearing it's working let's put it that way i've had a couple of moments with clothes recently on the on the way home last week i saw a man in a in a full like ankle length arab robe um of a of a black shiny almost plasticky looking appearance oh yes i? Oh, yes, I know. But the robe was... Nylon, darling, that is. I'm not sure if it was. It was a very strange-looking fabric across the road.

PVC? It was Manchester, so it could well have been... Oh, there you go. Could well have been a new line in waterproof Arab clothing. That's great, isn't it? Very sensible. There's a definite gap in the market there. Exactly.

The next series of Dragon's Den, look out for it. This team will be pitching. Mark it there. The next series of Dragon's Den, look out for it. This team will be pitching. But it stopped short at the ankle to reveal some very western-looking novelty socks, which I thought was a nice touch. What were the socks?

I couldn't tell from the other side of the road. A cartoon character? Either cartoon characters or a sort of a piano with stuff on it. Oh, one of those with the keys. Oh, yeah. Perhaps a Father's Day gift or something like that. Maybe a Bart Simpson. Maybe. It looked very clearly like Western novelty socks

from the other side of the road. Great. Really nice blend of... They were infidel socks. Maybe, yes. Really? Yeah. Worn with a shorty, waterproof Arab garb.

Yes, of course. Well, he was firing on all cylinders, this guy. And I don't know how strident his views were. He might not have thought of them as his infidel socks. No, but I'm going to market them that way. His novelty socks, yeah. And also in Manchester, it sounds like Manchester's densely populated with eccentric dressers.

I saw somebody the other day with a cagoule over their backpack. That was Marky Smith. For a split second, I thought they had a very strange hunchback. Oh, what, with straps? Well, I couldn't see the straps. It just looked like a normal person. I've done that, though. I've done that on walking holidays.

If it's raining heavy to protect your... It does look strange, though. Your protect your... It does look strange. Your oxen. It does look strange. You see, I'm so strict that I actually don't allow anoraks with suits. Huh? I saw somebody wearing a suit with a body warmer over it last year. I've seen that before.

It's a terrible clash of smart and casual. I find that slightly space-age. I don't know. There's a thing, though, I think probably that Emily would call B-age. I don't know. There's a thing, though, I think, probably, that Emily would call BPA, which I don't like, and that's backpack awareness. You get people, they've got a backpack, and they forget it's there, and they'll walk past you on the bus

or something, and you think, you're crushing me. Yes. And they don't, because they don't have that. Often Italian. Isn't that right? I've never noticed that. Rac Italian. Is that right? Often Italian, I have to say. I've never noticed that. Racist. I'm sure it's not.

I've never noticed that. It makes me think, you know, if you're a snail, is that what life is like? Are you an outsider in the mollusk world? Maybe. Are they mollusks? Snails? Yeah. Yeah, very much so.

Oh, good. Snails and stuff. Well, you say very much so, not if they're outsiders, because pushing into people. No, I know a lot about them, because my sister was phobic about them, hence I used to collect them. Oh, nice. Put them in her tights and things.

I'll tell you what I've noticed a lot just lately, which, you know, fashions that you sort of read about in magazines and on telly and then you see them, but there's some the other way around. You see someone, you think, oh, that's a bit weird, and then you see someone else and you think, oh, hold on, this is a fashion, this wasn't a one-off. Wellington's.

Yes. But I don't mean the big, I mean, like, narrow fitting. I saw quite a trendy Japanese girl. She got Wellington's, and often they're the trendsetters. Were they the ankle boot Wellington's? No. Oh. But they were smaller than a deli coat, a delington, I'm going to call it.

A deli welly. Yeah. Yeah. I'm calling it a delington. And then I saw a man who'd got, oh, a sort of a slightly ponky, but a modern ponky, looked like he could be a fashion designer or maybe an artist. He'd got Wellingtons on. Oh.

So that's where did that come from yeah it happened very suddenly it did vivian westwood was partly responsible she produced some sort of ankle wellies with little bow motifs but yeah they're they are fashionable well done frank for spotting that well i'm wondering if i could uh maybe push uh the toetector into high fashion. The toe-tector? Do you know toe-tectors? Please explain.

They're those industrial shoes with the metal toe caps. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. And they are... They take... When you've worn them a bit, there's a sort of separation takes place, and you can see very clearly that the toe cap

is sort of going out on its own, as it were. Absolutely. And they would be good. this is true i i am often slightly ahead of the game with uh yeah the fashion no really i said to my girlfriend ages ago you should get a fringe i think girls are good if you've got nice eyes it really brings it out she says no one has a fringe anymore that's pathetic suddenly everybody's got a fringe. They're all over the shop. Dog Tooth Check I was talking about before Dog Tooth Check suddenly had that big burst.

At the moment, it's the Russian Space Race. I've become obsessed with all things cosmonautical. You see if that doesn't kick off and become... Well, this time next year the Cold War might be back. Who knows? Well, let's hope so. Certainly, if it happens, we've got enough shop names.

You're what's called a cool hunter. Is that right? Yeah, they're employed in the industry to spot new trends. They're paid a lot of money. That seems like a wine taster, man. So what you do, you will see them wandering around places like Soho or Hoxton, more likely, and they're looking out for future trends.

Like those noses that work in the perfume industry. Exactly. People call noses and that sort of thing. Cool hunters. Well, I'm not cool, but I feel when I do. No, exactly. I feel like I walk down a dark, long corridor of uncoolness, and every now and again there's a fissure, a fissure in the wall,

and I peek through it, and then I see the next trend, and then I continue in the darkness. But yeah, maybe I should start tipping people off. Anyway, the next look for me is Cosmonaut. I've decided on that. So, Frank, I feel the need to share with you and Alan. I've had a bit of an incident with you. What, after all these years?

How dare you? I'm proper good. It didn't seem proper. Frank, I've had a bit of an incident with a male friend. Oh. Not that sort of incident. I didn't dip my toe in what you refer to as love lane. There was no love lane.

It was more what Hugh Grant calls a shouty-screamy on a film set, apparently. We had... Well, it wasn't really an argument. Let me explain it to you and see what you think. OK. So he works in the same building as me. He's a really old friend of mine. Scouse.

Lovely. And I was doing my rounds. I sometimes do my rounds in my heels to go and see people I know. I did my rounds, went to see him. I know he'd actually emailed me and said, oh, where are you? It'd be lovely to see you. I haven't seen you for ages. So I popped into his office.

I could see he was a bit, there was obviously, he was busy and a bit agitated, so I left in a few minutes. I'm getting anxious. On his glass door, knocked on his glass door. I'm getting anxious. Knocked on his glass door, opened the door. He said, not now, and shooed me away. Shooed with a hand gesture. Oh, with the sort of back of the hand pushed towards you, that.

Yes. And it can be done with wrist or fingers, can't it? Yes. I come from way back on the wrist. Mine's sweeping. I don't like a staccato shoe. I like one, a sweeping shoe. Go on, no. If it's staccato, I think that's... His was a staccato shoe and that's what our Jack's

got to do. That's borderline hostile there. Whereas, oh, no, no, no, in a second. I love you. I love you. Exactly. I like to... I say, oh, no, no, no, but in a second. I love you. I love you. Exactly. Now, if he's... I like to...

People ask me how to shoe without a fence. I always say, think of it starting at the elbow. Yeah. And then it gives it a lovely... It got a good line. I like that, like a tennis follow-through. Yeah. Or curling.

Would it be curling? What's the one on ice? Hurling. What's the one... No, it is curling. You can't just keep saying words that rhyme. A nice sort of elegant sweep, isn't it? Yeah. No, his was a little, mean-spirited...

Like a yappy dog. Yes. So you left? Yeah. His bloodied corpse was carried out of the building some hours later. Oh, dear. Now his office is clean. Yeah.

Have you spoken to him since? No. Really? No. You've not met him? I think he has to... If you've been the shooer, you are the one who's got to...

You've got to make the gesture. Absolutely. Don't you think, Frank? Well, I mean, he was... I mean, he might not even know he's done wrong. He does now. OK. He listens to this. Does he know he's done wrong. He does now. OK. He listens to this.

Does he? That's partly why I'm doing it. You've got to be careful with hand gestures. I don't know about you, but if ever a car stops for me at a zebra crossing, I always feel some sort of obligation to acknowledge that they've stopped. I know they should stop legally, but often they don't. And sometimes I'll denigrate myself and do a thumbs up. I always feel filthy afterwards.

I just think, oh, no, a thumbs up. Who am I trying to kid? I hate that. And one of the main reasons is I used to think, what if I just smile at them, look at the driver and smile? But I found, I don't know, something to do with the context of being allowed to cross the road is in a way not that generous a thing. I would look at them and my smile, it wouldn't be warm. It would be sort of poignant.

You know, if you smile at someone who maybe used to be a great sportsman and then lost a limb, and you're watching them struggling into a room and you're smiling at, oh, we both know this is a tragedy. Or like Shane Warne post-Makeover. That's how I'd smile at him now. I just carefully said Makeover, don't worry, it's fine, just in case. Yeah, so I smile at them in a, oh, dear.

One of those kind of never mind smile. And then they look at, you know. So I went for the thumbs up, but I don't like that. I once, when I used to do a chat show many years ago on the television, I think it was the Zootons, I could be wrong, but I think it was the Zootons, I could be wrong, but I think it was the Zootons doing Valerie were on there. And I think what they did is they did it twice and then I think in the edit they put the first half and the second half together,

like one might with a used car. And they needed a little edit, they need to cut it away, to cut away from obviously something as an edit point. So they cut to me sitting in semi-shade watching them. By God, if I wasn't clicking my fingers. I mean, it was a modern band. Oh, Frank. Valerie.

Why don't you come on over? I mean, if you're not in the Rat Pack, you're not allowed to click your fingers. It's just not acceptable. If you're not in the Rat Pack and you're not. No, no, I'm not in the Rat Pack. Let's face it. No, that was a terrible...

I tell you, my mum used to... This is not a hand gesture, but if she saw anyone in the street she knew, she'd go, ooh! My mum does that? Yeah. Why did they do it? Someone must have done it in an old Judy Garland film or something.

My mum always goes, ooh! What is it? I thought whistling people was vulgar or something like that. Yeah, I don't know if women whistled in those days, because obviously the old adage, a whistling woman and a crowing hen is neither good to beasts nor men. I'm worried about the last section of that crow it sounds like it goes into death rattle

the last bit I think, well that is the last crow don't play it three times because then what will happen here we go I'm not happy with the ending doesn't sound happy at that level I can imagine the cockerel looking across and saying, Geoff can I do that again I just lost happy with the ending. Doesn't sound happy at that level. I can imagine the cockerel looking across and saying, Geoff, can I do that again?

I just lost it on the ending. No, it's fine. I'd like to. Let's do it again. Then we've got a choice both ways. On the subject of outdated hand gestures, I think both the gesture and the phrase sticking twos up is going. You don't hear people sticking twos up. I've never heard that phrase before. Is that the opposite of the Churchill sign?

Yeah, it's the rude version. It's been replaced, hasn't it, by flipping the bird? There's a solitary digit now. It's a pity that, because that's globalisation at its worst. Because that's the American influence that's done that. And it's a shame because although the V sign that you're discussing is crude in the extreme, at least it's British. Well, that's true.

I've noticed as well a lot of saluting going on. Simon Cowell and Cheryl have popularised the salute. Yes. I've heard it's bad luck. Is it really? Well, it didn't to Cheryl Cowell, anyway. I've heard it can lead to malaria and unemployment, if wrongly employed. No, I figured the first time I saw them doing that is that there was... The floor manager maybe had just the one magpie on his shoulder.

I hadn't warned them and obviously they both went into a slight superstitious panic. I'm thinking I might get some sort of pet bird. I'm thinking parrot. Oh no. I'll tell you for why.

I've been having physiotherapy on my shoulder. I've got a sort of a dropped shoulder, they call it. OK. And what it is, it looks as if I'm about to turn left. I'm not unaware of it, Frank. Have you noticed it? I know, you've mentioned it to me before, but I'm aware of it. When I put a T-shirt on, the first two letters of the slogan are often obscured by folds,

because the shoulder isn't... Try being BFM. Yeah. That's Britain's fattest man, Alan. Exactly. But I mean, his logos are... Yes. I know what you mean. So, yeah, so I'm always turning like that. My shoulders... I mean, if I went with my

shoulder, if I gave it free reign, I would just walk in a very small circle. Like a wonky wheel on a chocolate bar. That's quite a good dance. You're doing the Michael Jackson thriller dance, though. They do a lot of that. But no. So I thought, apparently now, I've worked on the muscles,

but it's actually bearing in mind to hold it in position until it gets on my hard drive. I thought if I had a parrot on that shoulder... Yes. You would pop it up? Well, of course. It would necessarily be erect. I don't want it to teeter.

So, you know, when I saw the wings going, I could realise it was about to topple. Then the shoulder would go back. That's what I need, something like that. Maybe if you could get a spirit level incorporated into an epaulette. Yes, that's a great idea. I'm just wondering if there's some kind of complicated tattoo that you could do that would work that out. It's just remembering, is the thing.

You need a visual aid, don't you? The parrot would be ideal, because it's both bright and it can vocalise. Yeah, exactly. Shoulder up. Maybe a ball bearing on a brooch. A Newton's cradle in the armpit. I need something, anyway. You could have it perched on a Gaddafi throw,

if you had that over your shoulder. That's true. If I had a Gaddafi throw, no no one would care whether the shoulder was turned i look like i'm all just about to do a dummy on on a right back and and take him on the outside as it were anyway any advice as ever from our listeners i don't i mean i've had the physiotherapy for god's sake i went to um i went to an exhibition this oh how lovely no i don't know about you but i love a reliquary how dare you yes i do you know what a reliquary is which relics i was trying to explain this to my personal assistant i said i'm going to an exhibition of reliquaries and she says well what well, what is that? And I said, well, you know that in the Catholic Church

we worship the bones of saints. And she said, really? And I said, yeah. She said, I've never heard that and looked a bit taken aback. And I thought, well, I know it's a bit weird, but you'd think... Anyway, it turns out she thought I'd said the bones of Satan. Which would be quite a revelation. By the way, in the Catholic Church, we worship the bones of Satan.

It's two massive whammies. One, that we're diabolists, and secondly, that Satan is dead. Right. I mean, to drop that on someone, you know, simultaneously is too much. Anyway, what it is, is that they they do they like the bits of saint so i went to this exhibition at the british museum brilliant i would absolutely recommend it it includes things like um a brooch with a piece of the skull of thomas becky oh i love that and the thorn is it thomas abeckett do you call him thomas beckett you know about these things he used to be abeckett and then i like linda laplante he dropped that exactly but it

was a bit 70s yeah danny larue was this an equity thing yeah maybe it wasn't maybe there's another thomas abeckett to be thomas beckett i like thomas abeck, it's much better. Mmm, Danny LaRue, whose full name, of course, was Danny LaRue de Chocolat. I don't know if you're aware of that. No. Anyway, they also add,

in a small reliquary, which is obviously the name of the thing that holds them, ornate, a thorn from the Crown of Thorns. No.

Well, that's what I thought. It's a bit... I mean, how did they acquire that originally? Did someone go up to one of the centurions and say, you're not going to throw that away, are you? I mean, they're not going to hand it over. Health and safety, surely.

I don't think they were that concerned with health and safety back then. What, at the crucifixions? Yeah, we can't give you this thorn, you may prick yourself on it. There's a lot of legislation. It's like when they shot Murray Mound the other day in case people slipped down it. I don't know if the health and safety brigade had kicked in back then, had they? Well, I hope those nails were dipped in disinfectant.

Now wash your hands. But it just made me think that I would, if I could have any, any piece of, any relic, I don't mean religious necessarily, but from, you know, from now or from history, what would it be? And I thought long and hard about this. And what I've come up with is Carloslos the jackal sunglasses yes i love those things now as far as i know i mean there are other pictures but there's one iconic picture of carlos the jackal leather jacket um a bit of sellotape on the collar i've never worked that out um and shirt slightly one collar in one collar out uh and these weird shaped shades

they're not aviators. I don't know what they are. They're a bit react to like Rapide, Ryan O'Neill. Oh, maybe. 70s rom-com. But I know exactly the shades. But so iconic and I would love, and if I wouldn't just keep them in a case, I'd wear them as well. Have they been reissued? Are we aware of

have they been reissued? I suppose again, it's a niche market, isn't it? Well, thanks to Cool Hunter, as we've established. So they will be now. I've got my Ray-Ban jackals on. Well, I tell you what, I think I might attract them down. What? Yeah.

Because I was, for a period, I was obsessed with this picture of Carlos the jackal. And so I had a very good sense of what the sunglasses looked like. And I saw a picture of Neil Fox at Party in the Park. And he had sunglasses on which were, if not... I mean, they looked very similar to me. And it's not out of the question, is it, that Neil Fox would pay big money for Carlos the Jackal's shades?

Have you sent him an email gathering this information? No, I'm just... I mean, I imagine he's a tetchy individual. Who? Neil Fox? Neil Fox, yeah. Well, the Jackal's not easy. No, but to be honest... He's no picnic. Maybe it's the glasses.

If I had to go on a two-man drive to Edinburgh tonight, I'd choose the Jackal. Would you go Jackal over Fox? Yeah. Better stories, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Oh, God. A bit of music, probably, as well.

I'd rather have an assassination yarn than somebody talking about when they met Toploader. I also thought I wouldn't mind that big that big bin that mary bale put the cat in yeah then you could use it i thought you could use it as a cat bank for anyone locally who didn't want their cat i'm so impressed by your recall of her name i don't know why it's something something to do with bailing out. Yeah. But, yeah, I...

You could have a cat bank and people could put their unwanted cats in and then they could be redistributed to people who want cats. Oh, you mean while they're alive? Yeah, yeah, while they're... Oh, I thought you meant cats that had passed on, shuffled off this mortal coil.

Oh, no, I think... When... I think they have to be left in the road, from what I've seen, with a slightly, strangely grinning open mouth. When our cat died, and I say ours, it was my youngest brother's, and we'd all moved, and my mum got ill,

and then it had to be put down. And my mum told both my other brothers, who were quite upset, I think they even shed a tear, and I went, how much was that then? And I think it was about 48 quid. What? To put the cat down? Yeah, about 48 quid to get a cat.

Oh, unless the jackal would have been cheaper. Exactly. Yeah, and it did... As soon as you said a cat bank, I was thinking you'd be saving a lot of people 48 quid there. If the cat was due to shuffle off, you could have a cat bank. The vets would go mad.

Did he not have a shovel? Well, I was going to try not to make these jokes about offering my mum that I could have killed the cat for free, which I did, but I wasn't going to make them. The fact is, if you kill the cat quickly and humanely, I mean, there's rules. Surely there's rules. You say that with a note of regret in your voice. Yeah, I think you've got to take your shoes off

before you do it in the house. If you do it in the house, definitely. No, there are definitely rules. Animal cruelty people will go bananas just about the mere mention of this. I'm certain of it. OK. Well, anyway, that is...

OK, it's with a ting of disappointment. That's this week's email, then. Is it all right to kill your own pets? I mean, legally, I don't mean morally. I mean, that's too big a debate. I mean, is it all right if it's done... What are you looking at me like that for? I don't know, the producer making all sorts of...

What, you cut their throat would be all right. What do you mean, cut their throat? Oh, I see. You mean... Oh, okay. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.