The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 29 Sept

Episode Date: September 29, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about posh dinners, sorbet > relationships and Kate Winslets feet.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hello and welcome to Not The Weekend podcast.

I'm Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hi Frank. Hello. Hello. And that's lovely. Well never mind that, I'd like to kick things off for a change. Yeah, good. It's all about me.

It's not actually. It's about one of our lovely listeners. And he sent in an email. He's called Sean from Edinburgh. And he says, Hi, Frank, I'm just listening to you talking about the fall. He must have sent this in during our show last week, actually. Well, he could be listening to the podcast.

Well, that's true. Hi, Frank, I'm just listening to you talking about the fall and was wondering if you've abandoned all your old favourite artists For example, I remember you talking about how you flew to Barcelona just to see a Ricky Martin concert Do you still follow his career? That is complete I follow him even more avidly since he's come out

I admired that in his line of work No, I went out with It was in the period of my life when I went out with some women who were considerably younger than me Oh, I admired that in his line of work. No, I went out with... It was in the period of my life when I went out with some women who were considerably younger than me. Oh, I remember that. I've got to be honest. You know, you sort of casually mention Slade and they just look at you. Yeah.

Anyway, I went out with a very, very nice woman called... Don't say her name. Oh, sorry. I went out with a very nice woman called... Esmeralda. Esmeralda. Esmeralda. And she was a big Ricky fan. Oh, dear.

She sounds like she's got some Latin roots. Esmeralda. I think she did have Latin roots, actually. Now I come to think of it. Now she had them done. Well, you say that. So, yeah, i took her to barcelona as a special treat to see uh ricky martin i remember he came on stage there was

it was like wrecked cars on stage and he stood up on the top of them and sang um live in la vida loca he opened with the big hit always a mistake i don't mind that but it's no shake a boom boom no well there was i think later if i remember right. Well, there was, I think, later, if I remember rightly. Anyway, I remember there was a bit where he mimed tearing his heart out of his chest. He sort of twisted out as if he was having to twist, break off the left and right ventricle joins. And then he held it in the palm of his hand as if it was there. And then he blew as if to blow his heart. Like he could blow.

He had the strength to blow a piece of steaming off into the audience. Ridiculous. Ridiculous character all round. That was very nice of you to take her over there. That's me, big-hearted. Big-hearted Arthur they call me.

Take ages to tear up your heart. It's so big. Yeah, exactly. And also it's made of flint, which would also make it quite difficult. Speaking of the various parts of my anatomy, pause for tension, I went to the chiropodist this week. Oh, did you? Cathy the chiropodist, who I go to. Oh, yeah.

Why do you give her a first name, like it's balamori or something i just think denny the doctor i think of her as kathy the chiropodist i don't know why i think i like the alliteration the fact she's in kennington makes it even better anyway so i went um i went there and she said oh you've got a got a bit of an ostler's toe wow which is not what you want to hear is it no and i was confused first of all i wasn't totally sure what an ostler is no i have no idea what an ostler oh an ostler i thought that was birmingham hustler no an ostler is a stable man stable person right and uh they what happens is that sometimes the horses would stand on their feet and the toe would go purple and, you know, crushed. And that's what I've got.

A horse didn't stand on my foot, I want to make that clear. No. Another hoofed animal. Pardon? Another hoofed animal. Yeah, another hoofed animal. I was in the middle of a pagan ritual at the time when this thing just suddenly manifested

through smoke and swirling flame. You're like Mr. Tumnus. I'm not on here. You're like Mr. Tumnus. No, you are. I've often said that. I've ever said, do you ever think, doesn't Emily look like... Someone said to me, Emily, I like her.

God, she looks like Mr. Tumnus. I said, I know, it's a weird thing. No, they don't. They commented on my newly glowing skin. Yes, you and your newly glowing skin. We, she looks like Mr. Tomless. I said, I know, it's a weird thing. No, they don't. They commented on my newly glowing skin. Yes, you and your newly glowing skin. We're not going into that. We're not plugging your skin. You don't have to.

I pay my way in life. To high hell. So, I'll tell you what I was... I'm just having a scratch. I went to see... Yeah, I can hear it. Can you hear me scratching? Listen.

I went to see Crarap's last tape. You can say that because it's K-R-A-P-P. It's a Samuel Beckett play. And it's about a man, Mr Crap, we'll call him, and every birthday he records himself talking, just saying, you know, it's been a funny old year and I met this woman and this happened and that happened. And then he keeps all these tapes.

So in 20 years' time, he can listen to himself all those years back talking. It's an interesting idea. And I thought it's something I'm... I'm not much of a nostalgic person, but I occasionally come across my old self, if you know what I mean. I found a diary that only had one entry in it

on January 1st. I think it was something like 1978. What did it say? Bought new Ted? No. It said, there can be no true love without the fear of losing. Oh, wow. That was all it said in the entire diary. Oh.

So I think... Did you lose it? I must have lost the diary. Must have. But then, so I got a bit interested in this, and I realised there's a whole sort of web culture of people, messages to your younger self. Oh, yeah.

Because did Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry did one that was quite famous, didn't he? Did he? He wrote a letter to his 16-year-old self. Because when he was younger, he wrote a letter to himself when he was older saying you you'll have lost everything by the time you're old this is who you truly are oh dear and you're young dear i thought he wrote a letter to his 16 year old self that said your face is not going to get any smaller you might as well just get used to the idea. I think my message to my younger self would be,

oh, clean your teeth. I wish I'd done that. Do you? What I'm left with now. Because the trouble is, if you want to sort them out, I'm not suggesting you have to, I find your teeth very endearing, but if you want to sort them out... Did she say they look like India again? You're gonna have to go down the simon cowell route and i know you worry about that no i don't want to i don't want to be in the chair for three hours and pay 500 000 pound

enough pearly white teeth i couldn't bleach if i put bleach on these teeth they'd disintegrate also it would look weird i like to think there's an element of the Turin shroud about them that that kind of wasted element, you know the frayed the doubt about whether they're original the doubt about whether they're real I think a lot of people think I got them from some sort of

joke shop yes I'd say that the other thing I'd say to my younger self is Elvis dyed his hair because I used to be obsessed with the fact that I was blonde The other thing I'd say to my younger self is Elvis dyed his hair. Because I used to be obsessed with the fact that I was blonde and Elvis had got black hair and that I could never truly be like Elvis because of that. And then when I was about 40, I saw a picture of Elvis completely blonde

and realised that he'd dyed his hair all those years. Oh, yeah, he was quite fair. So I'd aspire to something which didn't really exist, like a fall. That's good advice. Do you want to know what I'd say? Oh, God, yeah. Yes, we do.

Well, I'd say, dear Emily, in 1987, a man called Dave will tell you he's just not ready for a relationship because he's got to concentrate on his biology A level. He is lying, and so is every other man who tells you this. Oh, dear. That's what I'd say. I thought you'd have been a great supplement to his biology 8.

You would have hoped. Yeah. No, but I just mean you have to learn that because you waste your time, you see, believing that. But you're not saying that all men are liars. No, I'm not saying all men are liars, but what I'm saying is don't sort of believe the excuses.

Better just to move on. Maybe he's just not into you. Well, exactly. He's just not that into you. Well, I am, I, as you know, I was hit by a car when I was about 15, 16, so my society, as you know. I didn't know that. I've told you several times.

I'd assumed it, but I didn't know it. I didn't know that. I've told you several times. I'd assumed it, but I didn't know it. I didn't know it as a fact. I thought you were snow plowed. No, I didn't know you ate bike. Have you mentioned this before? Yeah, several times. Okay. But it's fine.

I did like the way you said, as you know. Like Barack Obama. As you know, I was state senator for Illinois. I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. OK, well, I've completely forgot. I'm sorry. When were you hit by a car? How old? About 15, 14, 15, 16.

OK. It's hard to remember. So your message to yourself would be a sort of truncated version of the Green Cross code. Yeah. Watch out for that car. I like the fact that you didn't say knock down, because that's quite an old-fashioned expression, isn't it? Knock down.

Yes. I think the other thing I would say is make more of an effort to watch fantasy football even though you're not interested. Because I used to really like it but I didn't know when it was on and I didn't understand the football thing but I still found it.

Nor did you understand the whole system of TV listings, it seems. Well, I looked up some sites. There's a lot of these, note to younger self. This is some of the stuff I found. There's a woman speaking to her younger self. She did a top ten of things. God knows I won't go through them all, but some of them were it all works out

completely on through. It's just not true. It doesn't all work out. Some things never ever work out. What about this one then? If your stomach hurts and you haven't got a virus, you're in a bad situation. Oh.

Well, Lou, I think that's based on the fact that a lot of people i think including myself their stress center is in their stomach so if this if they're pensive about something they always get that's where they always get it but what a thing to say to your 16 16 i was gonna say shut up about stomachs get lost how do you know who are old woman? I'll see too busy drinking cider and throwing it up. You don't care. But my favourite was number seven. This is someone who has a unique opportunity

to speak to their 16-year-old self. And how could that happen? But it happens by supernatural means. What does she say? She says, cut or potted flowers are never a waste of money. My goodness. What the dickens?

Your 16-year-old self would think you were an idiot. Yeah, exactly. I noticed on the same page there's a link. This is absolutely true. 13 ways to use cucumbers. Oh. That's what I'd have said to my 16-year-old self. I'd have said to my 16-year-old self, remember to pay florist.

That's what I'd have said, never mind with cut or potted flowers, goodness sake. Well, well, I don't think there's too many important things to say to your 16 year old self, that's all I think. I think ours are better. Yeah, I do as well. So, have you

how's your life been? Oh yeah, well I've been hitting the town. Straight in. Oh yeah, I've been hitting the've been emily straight in oh yeah i've been hitting the town have you well i'll tell you where i was taken a male friend of mine he's actually i should say he's from a very old and distinguished family that's all i'm gonna say okay the tudors you don't think it's henry the eighth I wish. Anyway. Was it a date? Are we talking a date? No, no, no.

He's a friend. He's a male friend. It's not that kind of thing. He's a really old friend of mine. He's one of those friends. Borgias? He wishes it was more. No, he doesn't.

One of the Borgias, maybe. He doesn't. He's got a girlfriend and we've just been a bit of a sonic friends. Cesare Borgia. I mean, he's a pope. What's he doing out on the town with Emily Dean? So anyway, so when you go out with my friend, you tend to go to very old-fashioned kind of, you know, distinguished places.

So he took me to this place called Aspinall's, which is a gambling club. It's a casino, but it's very posh people. When you walk in, there's a big bust of Lord Lucan in there because he used to be friends with the owner. Lord Lucan? surely a notorious character do you know i once went um house hunting and david baddiel came with me and i went to a house in hampstead yeah and we were looking around lovely house and there was a picture of lord lucan like a wedding picture and he said to me is that law you know because the woman was showing us round.

So it was a bit... And it suddenly became very apparent that she was a relative of Lord Lucan. And we went around. Honestly, there was a picture of Lord Lucan in this woman. And Dave said, in front of the woman who lived there showing us round, is that the woman he killed? No. I mean, for goodness sake.

Next thing you know, you've got the claw out. So you were in Mecca Bingo.. So you were in Mecca Bingo. No, you were in Mecca Bingo. I was in Aspinall's Love. I like the idea of you were in Mecca Bingo, where you have to mark your card with... Well, anyway. Now, even though I present myself as posh, I'm not really.

I'm quite white trash and aspiring. Well, you're arts and crafts. Well, I am. We all are. But when I went in there, I was very overwhelmed. I looked at the art and i said something which i'm going to say i went oh my god are these originals because there are loads of picasso's and things there wow i said are these originals and he looked at me a bit witheringly he went yes what there's picasso's hanging up in the casino yes goodness me so anyway um pablo picasso yes okay Goodness me. So, anyway...

Pamelo Picasso. Yes. OK. There's millions of pounds worth of art there. Any art thieves listening, that's the place to head for. Yeah, well, I'm straight for the Lucan bust. When you go into the restaurant, Frank, because food's there, they tend to just sign for it.

They don't even pay for it, because they spend so much on the tables that the food's there, they tend to just sign for it. They don't even pay for it because they spend so much on the tables that it's just a mere, the food's just a mere formality. I mean, it's like maybe a couple of hundred quid. If you're going to spend a few grand on the tables, who cares about the bill? A few grand on the table? That's brilliant. So go to Ikea. Get them for a couple of hundred.

Go to Ikea and then have dinner there for free. Go to Ikea and say, have you got a sort of flat pack Lord lucan bust i can put together at home no sorry it's gone missing oh has it peculiar so it's a little conversation there from my trip to ikea it's so old-fashioned it's old-fashioned that when they they brought me a menu over and i couldn't see any prices on it you know like a lady's menu oh god i haven't seen one of those for a long time.

But do you know what I love? And then when I ordered... I don't like that. If someone's buying me a meal, I want to know how much money I'm... You know, I want to know what I'm getting. How much am I allowed to spend? Well, I said that to my friend and he said, I don't want you to worry about money. I don't want you to think, you know, this is all on me. And that was nice.

And you said the lobster please. He went, oh God! Oh God! No, because he's a bit classier than you, Gareth. on me and that was nice. And you said the lobster please. He went, oh god! Oh my god! No, because he's a bit classier than you Gary. Right. And then the waiter comes over and he takes my order from my friend. He doesn't look at me directly. Wow. Oh, I love it.

It was very surrendered 1950s housewives. The whole evening is how I felt and I quite liked it. Oh no, don't get a habit for that, for being a little woman. No, but Frank, I know, I wouldn't like to do it. I remember there's no such thing as a free meal. Mmm. I was saying, mmm.

I'd love that. I get very stressed about paying at dinners. I've noticed that. Oh. Yeah, I don't like casinos, though. I went to a casino in Las Vegas. I went on the blackjack table. Oh, yeah.

And it's pontoon, basically, you know. So I said, I'll have another card, please. And all these blokes went, oh. And I thought, that's my money. And then afterwards I said, yeah, I know, I'll stick with that. Oh! Why? Did they give you a review?

Because they thought you were getting it wrong. Yeah, they all went away, and in the end, I was just playing on my own, and the banker was absolutely outraged, this sort of dealer bloke, because he wasn't getting his tip. And apparently, they don't like playing with amateurs. Don't they? I hate that. It is stressful, though, that all this money gets put down,

like, you know, £1,000 or something, £500, and then they play this weird guessing game and then it's gone. It's awful. Oh, no, it's an odd... What's the people in tuxedos like when you see James Bond go gambling? Well, no, but there was a Russian man next to me who was a very Bond villain and he was giving me side-long glances.

Hmm, what are they? Cocktails? I love a side-long glance, but he's easy on the Angosteiros. He was getting very angry. Cocktails. I love a sidelong glance, please. Easy on the Angosteiros. He was getting very angry. He was muttering to himself in Russian because he was losing money.

Thousands of pounds. Disgrace. Was it Alexander Solzhenitsyn? Any chance? OK. Well, it sounds horrible to me. Really don't like places like that i don't like the whole idea of um the woman's menu this is very odd you know because people you see me as a very laddish bloke yeah i find it sort of somewhat terrible about him ordering for you like you're an imbecile but when it comes comes to paying the bill, that's when you decide you're not going to be old-fashioned.

Exactly, I know what you mean. You've sold out, that's what you've done. I still think, um, I still think you want to be careful. Why? Of what? Because you just don't take anyone out like that. You don't take a young woman out without thinking. No, I don't think that's right. You know, there are many ways of gambling.

Eh? What do you think, Gareth? I think he's in love with you. No, he's not. Yeah, I think that's right. I mean, to pay, what, 200 quid for a meal? I know, yeah. I'd want my little reward. Well, speaking of dining out, you know, in a fabulous way,

I see that... Refinement, decadence. Yeah, I was reading that one of the supermarkets, I can't remember which one now, they've introduced the crisp witch. I think it's Asda. Is it Asda? If I had change, I'd shake it.

Yeah, the crisp witch, so what you get is four buttered slices of white bread and a packet of crisps. Oh, I thought it was a witch that had already been burnt at the stake. You rascal! So it's four slices of buttered bread. Four slices of white bread. That's crisp.

That was Sunday roast in your house, wasn't it? Well, I tell you, well, maybe if it was roast chicken flat. I grew up on crisp sandwiches. I love, it's brilliant, that difference in texture between the softness of the bread and the butter and the crunchiness of the crisps. Ketchup sandwiches as well was another big thing in our house. Do you know, I don't think I've ever had one.

Well, I wouldn't have crisps by themselves as the main filling. If I had a packet of crisps and then maybe a ham sandwich, I'd maybe put the crisps in the sandwich as an extra. I've never had just crisp sandwiches. We'll try it. I'd recommend salt and vinegar. You need the stronger flavour, you see, because it's slightly dampened by the bread. My dad used

to have fruitcake sandwiches. What? Yeah, well he always said fruitcake was a bit too rich. So he used to put it on a sandwich. What? Yeah. My mom had lard sandwiches it's a different i bet you had tripe in your family you know we weren't big on tripe oh i must say something that i used to meet pie sandwiches i was very basically all you had was sandwiches mainly as i got older i got a bit more sophisticated when i

lived on my own and stuff i remember I got a real penchant which is one of those things that Clint Eastwood wore in Fistful of Dollars very big for AW 2010 I hope so and I had a real penchant for cheese and sprout

sandwiches that is revolting so I'd boil a Brusselssels sprout it melts the cheese do you see i mean it's a lumpy sandwich i have to be straight with you it does look a bit like myxomatosis i don't like that it's all gone a bit archies i don't like that it wasn't but i was very partial to that i must say times have changed i think you'll agree you must you must eat something i have the odd strange thing, I suppose. Well, yeah, but, you know.

We'll keep this food based. There was the terrible just whipped egg white revelation. Oh, yeah. Gareth hates that I have whipped egg whites. What is that? Is that like a meringue? Yeah. So I just separate the egg and the yolk,

and then I just have the whites, and I whisk them up, and I just put some sugar in it, and then I eat that. And what do you do with the yolks, the discarded yolks? Oh, they just go in the bin. Oh, you don't throw yolks in the bin. Oh, what, you keep them in a little dish with cling film over it? I'd send them to the third world.

Oh, God. They dream of watching a parachute slowly come down with a little crate full of yolks. Do you know their dream of that? They'll be manky by the time they get there. No, no. You can put in one of those refrigeration packs what you'd put in a... You know, if he's going to the cricket for a day, that thing that keeps the cans cool.

That'll get you to Namibia or... I'd never had chip butty until I met you, though. No. I'd never eaten that. That's bizarre, isn't it? That anyone could have got to your... It butted until I met you, though. No. I'd never eaten that, and then you made me eat that. That's bizarre, isn't it, that anyone could have got to your... So, yes.

No, it's... My mum used to drink a lot of... Remember sterilised milk? Oh, yes, yeah. Do you know, it was in a thin neck bottle. I know what that is, yeah. I don't know what... It was a sort of a poor man's UHT, if you it's in a thing i know what that is yeah i don't know what it was a sort

of a sort of a poor man's uht if you can imagine such a thing it was it was like white water and you couldn't raft that's what you're going to ask me um but it was it kept forever you could you know you can leave uht in a cupboard as opposed to a fridge. Sterilised milk you could leave in your will. It just never went off ever. And in lemonade. And the other thing was Nesquik but with water instead of milk.

Oh, I love that Nesquik. Have you tried it with water? No. It's nasty. Cheaper. That's what it's all about. Speaking of delightful foods, I've become slightly fascinated with the notion of the sorbet relationship. Oh, love a sorbet.

Love a sorbet relationship. This is because Kate Winslet's been pictured with her new beau. Yes, she's got a new beau. A new beau. She's been pictured with a Sue bow. No, new bow. And because she broke up with Sam Mendes, because he couldn't be inspired by just one person anymore.

No. That was his reasoning. That was his reasoning. Did he say he also had to concentrate on his biology A level? Yeah. I think he did. I've heard some names for it. Yeah.

Yeah, but we should explain what a sorbet is. It's a sort of palate cleanser, essentially, isn't it? Yeah. I think you do. I've heard some names for it. Yeah. Yeah, but we should explain what a sorbet is. It's a sort of palate cleanser, essentially, isn't it? Yeah, if you go to a posh restaurant, in between courses, sometimes you get a little sorbet. Didn't you go out with a girl who was a palate cleanser? In the factory? I thought, I wonder what he was getting at there. How could he have possibly known that?

The things you give away when you're relaxing after a radio show, I thought to myself, was that before the I got run over anecdote or after? Well, we'll never know. Yeah, so the idea is that if you start off with soup, it takes away the flavour of the soup, cleanses the palate for the next course. I think the suggestion is, I don't know where they've got this from,

that Kate Winslet's new beau, Louis, whatever he's called. Spence. No, it's not Louis Spence. He would be a palate cleanser. Oh, he's annoying me now. God, I've cleansed a few palates in my time, I tell you that. But I... Louis Dowler. Yeah, Louis Dowler.

He's very handsome. That's one thing that... No, but the idea is just they have to cleanse her palate and then she'll get a proper main course, man. Yes, but the problem is just there to cleanse her palate and then she'll get a proper main course, man. Yes, but the problem with the sorbet relationship is when the sorbet starts thinking they're the main course. That's the trouble. Then they think they're the T-bone and then it's all over. They've got to realise their limitations.

Then you're OK. It's like Craig Bellamy at Cardiff City. You know, he's not going to stay there. Yeah. So is he in a Sorbet relationship? I just wanted to look at He's in a Sorbet relationship at Cardiff City I like that He's going to go to another premiership club

He's just keeping his eye in That probably happens in football quite a lot But I don't see any reason why Kate and this Stupid model Not Louis Spence. How do you know he's stupid? Just because he's handsome? Exactly.

Look at me. I wish I'd got Jerry Halliwell's look at me at my fingertips. No, he's not going to be. I mean, it said in the paper they were inseparable. I saw that happen to two cats once. There's like a barb. There's a barb that kicks in. And you can't...

In the end, you can hear tearing. I's like a barb. There's a barb that kicks in. And you can't, you know, in the end, you can hear tearing. I mean, forget about it. No, but he's, when they talked about it, I thought he was some,

I thought she was being cougaresque. But he's the same age as her. Is he? He's the same age. Yeah, they're both 34. But I tell you what, he ticks all the boxes necessary for a sorbet.

I've heard that, yeah. It's the barb. He ticks all the sorbet boxes. Yes. He's handsome. Well, he looks young, even though we've now established he's not. He dresses well.

Got to be good arm candy, you see. Because part of the point of the sorbet is to show, look what you could have won to the ex. Yes. That's the part of the point of the sorbet. Yes. Yeah, look what you're missing, as I always say. The thing is with that, if you're Kate Winsley,

do you want to be going out with a very, very handsome man? Because surely, if people see them in the street, Kate Winsley, in her heart of hearts, wants people to be looking at Kate Winsley, not Louis Dowling. Who wants to look at Louis Dowling? I still think Kate Winslet. Not Louis Dowling. Who wants to look at Louis Dowling?

I still think Kate wins it. Out of the two of them. Oh, okay. Oh, makes you feel sick. What the... Frank, have you ever had a sorbet relationship? Not deliberately. No, but has it ended up being a sorbet?

What about, were you the sorbet ever? I was a sorbet once, actually. I think you were. I know when you were as well. I went out with a nurse. Oh, I did? Oh. And she, I remember she used to punch me on the arm and say,

you're mad, you are. Every time I made a joke, you can imagine I was black and blue. Because I am in many ways a joke machine. She was, that was her diagnosis. Maybe not today. Pardon? That was her giving you a mental health check oh yeah maybe yeah she was a psychiatric nurse i mentioned that well i mean she could have broken to me a bit

more gently anyway i i found out she you know she split up with me quite early on i found out that she'd been i mean obsessed with this man and i was yeah i was just there to cleanse the palate you were that palate cleanser palates wanted that's what the sign said outside, and I resent you. I'll be absolutely honest with you. I looked at the Kate Winslet story, and I looked at the reader's comments, and somebody just put, didn't take her long. That's very Daily Mail reader, isn't it? Poor Kate.

I mean, when your feet are that big, you need company as a scream. Because then when you see a photo of them walking, you assume the toes are a third person walking behind. You don't imagine that that... Are they really that big, her feet? She takes a nine and a half English, nine and a half UK, eleven and a half USA.

She does. Nine and a half. I only take a nine. You couldn't push her over, Kate Winsley. No. Not from behind. Not from behind, no.

If you pushed her over from the front, as she went, she'd take your armpits with her toes. You'd end up on top of Kate Winsley. Get a nasty scrape.

Yeah, when she skis, she doesn't bother with the ski thing. Nasty scraper. Yeah, when she skis, she doesn't bother with the ski thing. Just curls her toes. Yeah. You should see her bow. It's fantastic. Knees completely straight.

She's a lovely, don't get me wrong, she's a lovely woman, you know, but enormous feet. And I saw an interview with her when she talked about her big feet she said the

secret is never wear flats because when when you wear flats people notice i saw a picture of her out in new york with louis dowling yeah wearing flats oh so you know all the old apparently he's into that though is he what big feet oh no yeah she should go to um to kathy from kennington that'd be kathy that's someone had to shut the place down for the day she's gonna take some time i'll do one before lunch have a break have a shower come back and do the other one creating the mosaics or something like the freeze on the parthenon you know when there's a murder and you have to have a line of people you know when there's a murder and you have to have a line of people You know when there's a murder? You know when there's a murder?

Common every day of course. Have you done a bad murder? And they have to have the forensic people stand in a line on the field and walk across looking down. That's how they'd have to inspect her feet. Yeah, she'd be a good person if it snowed she'd be a good person to invite round for a cup of tea and she'd be a good person if it snowed she'd be a good person

to invite round for a cup of tea she'd clear the path on her way home but like I say attractive woman fine actress I don't think anyone's denying that this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio