The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 3 Aug

Episode Date: August 2, 2011

Frank, Emily and Steve share their thoughts on random graffiti, dog walking and the Olympic torch.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Radio.

If you like a ukulele lady, ukulele lady like you, it's Frank Skinner here at... Oh, my chair's very creaky. I apologise for that. I'm already on the back foot with my early apologies. Frank Skinner, Not The Weekend podcast with Emily Dean and Steve Williams. Oh, still sitting in for the cockerel. And I'm liking it here.

The studio we're in this week has got a window, which is a bit of a plus. Usually we're in, it's not a studio, it's a cell. That's crazy. And I don't know. I like the cosiness of the windowless room. Do you? Yeah, there's something interviewed by the

stars about it. Which I like. But, you know, it swings and roundabouts for me. I'm noticing that the room across the road is painted in claret and blue. Yes. West Ham. I'm noticing that the room across the road is painted in claret and blue. Yes. West Ham.

I've been following their decor approach for some time now. Have you? Yeah, I always keep my eye on what's going on over there. Well, let's... We'll keep you posted on that over the weeks, if we ever come back to this. Just bought some white Italian leather sofas. On the subject of colour... A nation holds its breath.

I, um... I was painted this week. Painted this week? Yeah. In what sense? I don't mean someone put a small cat face on me at a fete. No, in a sort of Shirley Eaton style. No, no. Well, Shirley Eaton, if I remember rightly, no one left a hole and her skin couldn't breathe and she died.

Not Shirley Eaton, but the character in the couldn't breathe and she died. Not Shirley Eaton but the character in the film. Rubbish. I've met Shirley Eaton. From a cat face painting? No, she was Goldfinger. Well, she wasn't. Oh, right.

Well, she wasn't just Goldfinger. She's gold everything. I thought you were going to tell me about the most dangerous fate incident of all time then. Yeah. When they got a cat face painting and they didn't leave a hole for the mouth.

That would have been terrible. That would have been awful, but what an open casket funeral that would have made. I think if they didn't leave a hole for the mouth, on a face painting thing, the mouth would still exist. Or move the mouth further down. You're suggesting that it imposes,

if you don't paint the orifice, it goes. That's what you're saying. If you don't paint the orifice, it goes. It's what you're saying. If you don't paint the orifice, it goes. It's something I would not mind on a flag above my house. Just to confuse people. Anyway, now what it is, there's a programme on Sky Arts. I don't know if you're familiar with Sky Arts. Oh, yeah, I've seen that.

And there's a man called John Myatt who was, I don't think you'd mind me bringing this up he was an art forger in the past a forger? yeah he used to do paintings pretending they were by the great artists they were like lesser known paintings

and they were him doing them in the style of they're all brilliant paintings I remember Tom Keating he was the sort of 80s version Tom Keating? yeah so John Myatt was telling me he was once doing a TV show when he had to paint in the sort of 80s version Tom Keating yeah so John Myatt was telling me was once doing a

TV show when he had to paint in the style of Van Gogh and uh he suddenly broke down in tears and said I can't go on I feel that Van Gogh has has has entered me in some way he got possessed yeah he did over 2,000 forgeries so John Myatt is quite um do you have that finger that figure at your fingertips I was rather obsessed by Tom Keating. I'm very excited that you've raised the subject of Tom Myatt. The fact that you've got a statistical backup there for Tom Keating's forgery career, respect to you.

Anyway, the idea was that I was to be painted in the style of Van Gogh. Oh, right. I'm going to call him that. And so I'd already had a bit of an interesting posing moment this week. I was walking down the south bank of the Thames in London and there was some Oriental people. I couldn't be sure exactly which country they came from,

but they were oriental people having their photos taken and what they'd done they'd stopped an old um an old lady not old perhaps my age um they'd stopped an old white lady to take their photograph so they could be together and she was struggling you know the way the elderly do with any kind of gadget yes and one of the um oriental people broke from the uh the trio that were lined up for the way the elderly do with any kind of gadget. Yes, yeah, yeah. And one of the oriental people broke from the trio that were lined up for the shot and started to explain to this woman how to use the camera. And I could see this explanation going on, pointing at buttons and the old woman sort of nodding and stuff.

And I noticed that the other two people in the shot had stayed in exactly the same pose this frozen smiling pose throughout the whole conversation they'd obviously land and it reminded me when i used to live in birmingham me and a mate used to do this thing where you know on a crowded street you have to stop if you see something you don't have to stop but if you see someone having their photo took you stop so you don't walk in the way of it. Me and him would walk, and we'd stand in the pose, smiling with our arm round each other, and people would stop, even though there was no photographer there.

Try it at home. Not at home. It won't work at home. You need strangers. We used to do the same thing, where one of you would stand on one side of the road, and the other one would stand on the other side of the road, and you'd pretend you were pulling a rope, and then the car would stop so it wouldn't go through it. Oh, really? I've never seen that one. That sounds quite dangerous. There's no rope, Frank. It's just perfect.

I find sudden braking, generally speaking, can be dangerous. Oh, yeah, good point. No, no. Anyway, so I sat for my painting and... Have you ever been painted, Steve? I haven't, no, no. No, I don't think I have. It's a very intense experience, I must say, because basically you're being very, very stared at.

Are you thinking about your pose? Thinking a bit about my pose. Like a chin on your fist, kind of how you want to be remembered well i was thinking i was thinking i was van gogh it was van gogh it was the it was um two year period oh yeah i wasn't i wasn't you know i wasn't going to be messed about by anybody uh but you because the the artist he really really stares at you and you had to stare back at him because it's based on a self-portrait so obviously van gogh was looking straight into camera, as it were.

It's very intense, that portrait. But I did enjoy that because how often nowadays do you get to really stare at someone you don't know that well? It's brilliant. You know, when you're a child, I was very much one of the ones that used to stand up on the boss seat and really look at the person behind. I mean, what an opportunity

to really check them out. And I don't know when that stopped. There must be a cut-off point. You know, when you're 15, if you start doing it, it can all go a bit wrong. And there must be a day when you do it and somebody says, what are you looking at? And it goes wrong. But

when you get away with it, it's a joy. I mean, I use Addison Lee cars and they have a tinted back window. It's great. Freedom. Freedom. Really looking at people. Yeah. The funny thing is when you get a different taxi

and there's no tinted windows and you're staring at people, they can actually see you. Well, yeah, that's true. But, you know, often with people, I tend to avoid their gaze. But I don't mean their gaze. People that they own that are homosexuals, I certainly don't. I don't think that's allowed, is it? The ownership of...

No. I don't mean homosexual. That's allowed. And thank God for that. So how long did the portrait sitting take? Well, I would say he was actually at it for about three and a half hours. Can't I take a photo of you or something? Oh, it's not...

Hold on, I'll show you what we've got here. You haven't got it. I've got it with me. This won't work so well. Is he showing you the work in progress? No, this is... Have a look. Oh, my goodness!

Oh, he's passing it over. Oh, I like it. Do you like it? Yes, I do. But I wear a hat, as you may have noticed. But something's... Your hair doesn't... It looks a bit Terry Hall.

My hat? Yeah, just there's a vibe of it. I like it, though, Frank. Yes. Well, I look a bit different, because I do look different in a hat, I find. But I... I've got a very big head.

I don't know if I've ever told you this before. You're laughing at my portrait? I just looked at the portrait, yeah. It's good, isn't it? It looks like a man who's on the run in the 15th century. Yeah, that's what I was after. Wanted dead or alive. Yeah, preferably dead. I like that. Yeah,

I love it. And the thing is, you don't get a fee for doing this programme, you get the portrait. Oh, I wonder who else he's doing. So that's two gigs i've done in the last 10 days one for a pie and one for a painting i'm just going to do it objects beginning with p is um what my contracts now basically consist of and um no it doesn't involve that right just in case you're thinking What? So, I've got a very big head

A wardrobe woman once said to me That me and Benny Hill had got the biggest heads In British comedy That she'd worked with Circumference or ego? No, no, I think circumference I think my hat size is seven and a half I think every gentleman should know his hat size Yeah, well it's the most common What do you think the hat size is seven and a half. I think every gentleman should know his hat size.

The most common, what do you think the most common is? Hat size. Extra large. What kind of signs is that? That's not a size. Numbers. Six and seven eighths is the most common. And mine's seven and a half, so that's pushing it.

I think what they said to me is that, you know, obviously my theory is i have a large brain but apparently i have an average size brain but um on the back of it there's a sort of an enormous annex which they're thinking is perhaps my comedy section yeah it looks like a smart car pulling a winnie bago from side on my brain if you see if you look at my mri scans i have a similar section for my back catalogue. Yes, exactly. So a woman, the wardrobe woman said to me, here's your hat.

So I put it on, it sat on top of my head, as hats so often do. And I said, did you not get my hat size, my unusual hat size? And she said, well, I took it to the wardrobe people, and they said it must be a mistake. They did. Really? I mistake. They didn't. Really? I mean... Oh, thanks.

Imagine how I felt. I mean, I once tried on. I was at a museum in East London after hours. They allowed me to try on a hat once owned by the Elephant Man. What? And I found it a bit tight. It was a bit on the tight side. It weren't too bad.

What an admission. Frank Skinner's got an obese head. It's not. If you look at it straight on, it looks fine. It's depth. It's the depth of the head. The depth. Your head's like Argos, isn't it?

It's like a little bit at the front and then it goes back where all the stuff's kept. Yeah. That's exactly what it's like. You'd never know it, really. Honestly, I wouldn't look at you and say he's got an unfeasibly large head. No, you know, I'm all right with it. I think probably by the time I'm 60, I'll have to have it in some sort of scaffold.

You know that head scaffolding people have if they get a really bad injury? I think I'll probably need that every day. What about the rest of the family? Has R. Keith got a big head? No, I think it's just me. He covers it with a lot of hair, R. Keith. Yes, but now he's head-sized. He's got a small head.

He's not unlike Pob. Were you put out when she said that? Well, I was, you know... I thought it was a bit of an odd thing to say it wasn't you know it lacked a little diplomacy well this is the thing see i had a mayor this week as well into you had a mayor mayor nightmare oh okay abbreviated and um i was at a funeral on wednesday and i'd never met the daughter of my friend who died and i went up to her and what i wanted to say was you know it was a lovely day

um great funeral lovely to see people here she played the saxophone during the the funeral did she she did yeah it was upbeat up tempo and because we were sort of passing in a moment what I wanted to say to her in front of all the family was that was that was incredible that was brilliant that was your dad would have been so proud and I just abbreviated that my mind it to the four words that was great fun and because I was walking past her and reminded to the four words, that was great fun. And because I was walking past her, everyone shot me the dirtiest look. Oh, no.

As if you'd say to somebody who just lost their dad, that was great fun. Well, I mean, funerals can be... They can be entertaining, though. I mean, you know, if they're a celebration, for me, saxophone music would probably spoil the whole thing. I don't mind the saxophone, but not as a solo instrument. No? No.

Big Kenny G for you, you're not a fan. Well, did it sound like Sweep doing a very moving eulogy? Did it sound like that? I bet it did. Yeah, well, on that faux pas subject, at the end of this, when we stood and, because there's a big bit where he takes off the red velvet, John Mighton says, there you go, and you see the painting. And it's quite scary, because obviously, if you didn't like it, you know, how would you handle that? It'd be like that episode of Extreme Makeover when they cry. And he said to me, what I like about it, he said, it's retained that real sort of peasant feel.

Sorry? He said it's still got that real sort of peasant, you know, because he painted peasantry of anger, and it's still got that... Right. Well, thank you very much. In fairness... At least I haven't been in prison, is all I'm saying. In fairness, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Well... Yeah, so I get to keep that now. In fairness, you took the words right out of my mouth. Well. Yeah, so I get to keep that now. Me as peasant. Oh, thank you, I love that. Me as big-headed peasant. The big-headed peasant, yeah. The big-headed peasant.

It would be a great pop name, wouldn't it? The big-headed peasant. Give it up for big-headed peasant. You'll never guess who was in the big-headed peasant last night. The big-headed peasant sounds like something like, you know, if there was a post-nuclear survivor sort of village, there'd be a few big-headed peasants, wouldn't there? Well, what's interesting is that in years to come,

maybe the association with you might even be lost in the mists of time, and you might just be like the potato eaters, the big-headed peasants. Yeah, I'll be like the Mona Lisa, you'll'd be famous thank you for predicting my widespread anonymity appreciate it no i just mean they might not know it's you frank no i think that's the same thing is it no because if he's going to write the big headed peasant on the picture oh i said no he didn't he didn't go so far as to write it down. I think I'd have wrestled him to the ground. I wouldn't have been in prison. That was a terrible moment. They're slippery characters. It's hard to get a grip on them.

Frank. Yes. We've had an email in. This is great news. Yeah. It happened in the week. They're still very active. Keep going like the borrowers.

I love that. I tell you what a great resource our listeners are. I think we've got the cleverest listeners. If you imagine the sort of people who listen to, say, let's say Five Live. You hate Five Live. I do. Imagine them sitting at home in their tracksuits.

Whereas we get people who come up with all sorts of strangeness. Do you have a name for your followers? You're like Wilgen Adelaide. I do think of them as my secret cyber comedy army because there's a lot of podcasters amongst them and I think not many people know about the podcast in a way. So you don't have a name like Skinnies or...? No, no, I wouldn't disrespect them.

I would. But I like that they're sniggering into their iPods all over Britain and no one's... All over the world. People don't quite know what they're laughing at. What about them, like, laughing on a train in their iPod, and then they just say the word, big-headed peasant, and the person opposite them is, like, mortally offended. But what's the chances of a big-headed peasant being on a train?

On his way to his home village. Post-apocalyptic village. Could be on his way to the big operation that the local community have put together to pay for. He don't risk getting into a fight. That point. So the email is from

Paul Martin Lawrence. Is that hyphenated? Yeah, I don't know if it's two forenames or two surnames. Let's call him PML. PML, love it, Frank. Love it when you get on board. Premenstrual looseness. You never hear of that. Dear people are absolutely fine with it.

They actually feel more relaxed. Can I not say that? I don't like it. Oh no, I can't. Turns out I can't say that. I think it'd be alright, wouldn't it? Bit sexist. Bit sexist in that restriction. Carry on. He says it's in response to random street occurrences. OK.

Dear Frank and colleagues, on a recent podcast, you mentioned random street occurrences in passing. I wonder what that was. It's quite a big category, isn't it? Random street occurrences. It's very arse, but I can't think specifically. Anyway, he says, I wondered if you or any other listeners have ever come across wildly random or bizarre graffiti.

I'm not talking about toilet cubicle-based smut. No. But a random statement where you wouldn't expect to see it. I saw the words turkey cob on a lamppost on my way to work. Can anyone read that? Yours faithfully. Turkey cob. I mean, a cob, We're on the same page here

Is a sort of a roll A bread roll Turkey cob I really hope that there wasn't some practical reason behind that It's been written there by a sandwich man An aide de memoir I think we've all used a lamppost as an aide de memoir I hope that is just some

There isn't enough of that actually no really sort of random weird i'd like to encourage that if that's legal i like seeing weird band names i once saw graffiti the band omd which i thought why would an omd fan they're all kind of like stewart lehman aren't they i can't with waitrose carabiners i can't imagine someone actually bothering to get spray paint out if you're an omd fan well graffiti it's all gone you know that it's all gone that kind of arty way we're being yeah let's face it i mean no disrespect guys it's glad that you're not just out you know mugging people and things but the truth is if you saw that stuff in a gallery you you wouldn't think that's a brilliant piece of art it's only because it's on a wall

you're surprised by its location it's not special whereas Turkey Cob I'd be happy to see that in the National Gallery it's just something I saw a guy, this doesn't class as graffiti I saw a guy in London

and I haven't seen this t-shirt I think since the 70s. And it said, take me drunk, I'm home. I haven't seen that for so long. And I thought, has he had that for years? Or has it suddenly come back around? Someone thought, well, the youth won't even know that one. It's time to bring it out.

But when I used to sign on at Smethwick Supplementary Benefit Office, there used to be two things written on the wall there. One was, cheer up, money isn't everything. Which I thought was a very lovely touch. And the other one was, beggars

can't be choosers. On the wall of the supplementary benefit. Brilliant. But how lovely that somebody took the trouble to... And they were controversial, you know, but they were great. If you were short of conversation, they'd often trigger trouble. And it's often... Sorry, Steve. I was going to say, that's what turkey cob does, isn't it? It really challenges your mental boundaries.

It does, but it's a bit closed. I don't know how far you can examine turkey cob. To me, turkey cob just is. And that's what's right about it. But beggars can't be choosers. Is there any truth in that? Are beggars... Interesting philosophical question.

The next time somebody in Victoria asks me for... They can choose. They can deny. They can say, you know... You go, can I have the five pound instead of the pound? Victoria asked me for... They can choose. They can deny. They can say, you know... Frank's going, are you going to spare any change? And you go, yes. And they go,

oh, can I have the £5 instead of the pound? Yeah, but they don't do that, do they? Yeah, but they could be choosers. They don't. I'm not sure if they can be choosers. It should be beggars are not choosers. No, but maybe they can't be choosers. The next time someone asks me for change,

I'm going to take out a selection of silk neckties, drape them out of my forearm, over the forearm, and say, I'm going out tonight, which one of these would you go? And if they go, oh, oh, oh, it is true. Beggars, quite rightly, it turns out, cannot be choosers. They have no choice in that matter. And there's a certain justice to that isn't there speaking of uh beggars can't be choosers did you see that that guy the 82 year old in bournemouth he's a he's a tramp

according to the papers can you still say tramp um well i've just said it i hope you still can it's in the papers well it's in the headline yeah i think it's acceptable when it is he's what i call a gentleman of the road okay that's what the picture would call them they're sort of an old-fashioned it's more a tramp ethos it's a lifestyle as opposed to a lack of choice yeah it's uh yeah there's an element of choice i think with the gentleman of the road i'm just i'm i love the word tramp i think it because i you know i grew up with those those are sort of old tramps in nine overcoats type of tramps did you have a local one then that everyone knew oh we had quite a few it was our case for a start yeah there was um there was quite uh there was a few about but not many

you know not like i mean now it's uh it's a widespread phenomenon but then they were yeah they were they were people who really made the decision. What they used to say, there was two reasons people became tramps. Pressure. So one day they just couldn't cope anymore. They'd say to their wife, I'm just nipping out for 20 sovereign. And they'd just keep walking. And then there was the broken heart tramps who'd think,

well, if I can't trust her, I can't trust anyone and they give up on society in general. Those were the two big reasons. The two big ones? Yeah. Why people became tramps? Yeah.

Surely there were like multi reasons, a myriad of reasons. I spoke to someone who worked with tramps. I feel I'm over tramping the pudding over the world. I'm so relieved I can say tramp. I'm just saying it over and over. A friend of mine worked in Wolverhampton with tramps and he said those were the two big reasons.

Oh. So, anyway, this tramp, it's more of a positive take, isn't it? And also, yeah, coming back to your point, you can't say tramp, you must be able to say tramp, otherwise Frank Sinatra's songs will all have to be bleeped about the lady being a... Yeah, but he's not talking about that he's dating someone who wears 12 overcoats. He's more talking about the sort of tattoo that our producer

has in our lower region. Yeah, which you call? A tramp stamp. Sorry, Em, but I do. No, he's talking about a woman who's a bit brassy. Oh, right. Okay, fair play. Well, this 82-year-old gentleman of the road, he's been, local people in Bournemouth,

they want to nominate him to carry the Olympic torch through Bournemouth. That's a risk, isn't it? They won't see that again. Hank! Is he gone? Hold on a minute. I really like the idea of him... That'll be in a pawn shop window. Next to the Coldplay guitar. Exactly.

I like the idea of a tramp carrying the torch, lighting his rollies off the top well i saw a picture of this tramp and he looks to me like a definite fire risk i wouldn't want to put a naked flame next to him how many overcoats but he could go i mean he was a god bless him he's a greasy looking individual he would go up and he would be crackling like a you don't want him to complete the last leg of the walk as a human fireball. I say you don't want to.

I wouldn't mind seeing the YouTube, but, I mean, it would be... It might be a great way to go for a tramp. Yeah, exactly. I liked it. He had a sort of C-60 element to him, didn't he? I like a tramp to look like that. Well, he had sick.

I think there was sick on him. I also liked that they said there was over 4,500 votes for him. There is a slight killing in the name of X Factor thing going on here, I think, isn't there? Well, you know, they trusted Connie Hock. And she messed it up. So let's just try a tramp. A tramp.

He, um... What was he? They called him Olympic Trampian. Olympic Trampian. That was the headline. That's good. That is Trampian. I'm happy with that.

I think it's a nice idea. It's a great idea. He'll be a little bit cleaner than a London Tramp as well, I think. We do want him a little bit cleaner. I hate that when someone asks you for change and they're a little, you know, they... They look better than you do. Yeah, they look, yeah. I feel I could make an effort.

Yeah. You know, dress down a little. Yeah. I don't like a baseball cap on a tramp. You know, you're asking for money, not receiving an MTV award. No, but this one, he's a supernatural tramp, isn't he? Yeah, he is. He's able to tell the time.

He doesn't have a watch, but he's able to tell the time he doesn't have a watch but he's able to tell that's not supernatural oh i see he doesn't have the war it doesn't they can just stop him and say what time is it and he'll say 11 58 and they check their watch and he's he's absolutely correct how do you think he does that that's amazing although does he really do that you see i had one of my great-grandfathers who was a one-eared grave digger that's true what yeah on my mom's side handle for a great-grandfather and he used to honestly old nick he's got two handles old nick would um used to boast about how he could always know the time but he only knew one time he had something a bit wrong with his mouth so he used to go half past three all the time. That's when he thought it was permanently half past three.

Oh, OK. I don't believe it. I mean, I don't think he's saying the actual time. But then they do say a stopwatch is the most accurate watch there is. So if Old Nick used to say half past three all the time, then he would be the most accurate clock there would ever be. There you go. Why?

Because at one point it would be half past three. That's what they say. One could argue it at two points. Oh, yeah, exactly. you're absolutely right yeah is that if he can though let's imagine yeah that the trampian can can say that that know the time anytime is there a less practical special skill for a tramp than knowing the time. The one person who cares what time it is, he knows that. Rubbish.

Anyway, I hope he gets it. I like the sort of... It'll be brilliant. Yeah, I like the rebelliousness of a tramp carrying that. Can you imagine a better person than him to have doing it? Who would you have doing it? Tracy, no, Amy Childs

probably. Amy Childs from TOWIE. I'd like to see her doing it. I'd quite like to see Frank doing it in your little 118 get-up, little singlet. Maybe I'll... Maybe me and the tramp could do it in a sort of three-legged race.

What do you think? That'd test your skills, wouldn't it? Because you'd know, you'd feel you were getting stuff. I mean, imagine, I'd have to be power-hosed down with bacterial hand wash after. But not in a disrespectful way. No, I think Amy Childs has got what I would call a sort of TK Maxx prettiness.

Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah, I know what you mean by that. And I think, you know, you need to have representatives of the people. I mean, Connie Hawk. I mean, who does she represent? Well, she's crossed over now. Oh, no, she's an intellectual. Fair enough.

God bless her. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have done it, but she did allow it to be wrestled away from her. I think you've got to be prepared to take a bullet for this. A bullet. And the tramp would. The tramp would think nothing of it. They could shoot away through 12 overcoats. I fancy his chances.

What else? Frank, well, I wanted to get your views on something because this is an area you have experience of and i have less experience of and it's to do with among the hedge it's not being paid in pies okay it's um i got a taste of dog walking this week frank because my sister was away so while she was away i thought i'll walk the dog. It's a lovely little, he's called Giggle, and he's a chug. He's half pug, half chihuahua. So I took him out. Now, I had no idea.

It opened up a whole new world to me. There's a whole social universe of dog walking. And you meet men. Oh, I've met loads of them. I've heard that. Yes, Davina McCormack's her husband that way. Did she? Dog walking?

Yes. It's a slippery slope, though, isn't itina McCormack's her husband that way. Did she? Dog walking? Yes. It's a slippery slope, though, isn't it? Isn't that how they all... Well, that's where you meet them all. Yeah, but... There was one... When she chatted him up, he was still 200 yards away. Oh, she's a shouter.

There was a lovely, sort of silver fox. Oh, the man, I mean. OK. Not the animal. Right. And it was a bit weekend access, his set-up. I could sort of tell. Oh, really?

There were teenagers there. They seemed slightly resentful of him. OK, I suppose the mother had turned them against him. Yeah. And a little wary of me, perhaps. Yeah. But we had a lovely chat. But what did you chat about?

The dogs? Well, no, because I had a chug and he had a cockapoo. Well, that was worth seeing. Yeah. And then what happened? We had a cockapoo. Cocker spaniel slash poodle.

Oh, okay. So we both had crossbreeds. Oh, yeah. So we discussed crossbreeds. It's difficult with the dog walking when you end the conversation you can't do exchange of numbers it's a bit sleazy and Tory MP on Clapham Common you can't do that

do you know the trick? look on the dog's collar if found send to oh no they've got chips now the other thing is that people tend to retread the route don't they with dog walking so if you're keen

if you go keen if you if you go back there two or three days you're around the same time you'll meet that guy i met a not so nice man as well he was a bit my name is earl he was a bit yeah he had a sort of baseball cap and he once i said a baseball cap i'm in the opposite direction he was holding this dog it looked like a... It was like a wolf. You know when all the saliva coming down the fangs? Devil dog.

Yeah, devil dog. You see, how often, if there's a devil dog on one end of the lead, there's a baseball cap on the other. That's pretty common. He said... Guess what he said to me, Frank? He said, um, I came over with giggle.

He went, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I said, sorry. Look, friendly ain't his thing, I'm afraid. Friendly ain't his thing. Okay. He said, he'll have that tiddler for breakfast. Is that what he said?

Yeah. And then he said, he's had his fingers burnt before. He said, his fingers burnt? I didn't even want to go into it. Stop! He had fingers? I don't know about you to go into it. His dog. He had fingers. I don't know about you, but the thought of a dog's fingers. See, what I love about a dog, I love a dog's foot.

I have sat next, when my dog's been asleep on this, when I had a dog, our Shep, when I sat next to him on the sofa, I would sometimes take the lower leg in my hand and have a really good look at his foot and that's beautiful because they've got the separate toes you know and then there's like a bit of hair that grows in between it's like if you if you allow crazy paving to become overgrown it's like and i i there's something fabulous about dog's feet but this plug he's he he's a hooligan isn't he he was a hooligan no and then i thought you know what frank i like a bull mastiff they're massive aren't they it's like brian blessed on a lead one man he was but then i embarrassed myself because i did the classic i said oh he's cute and the man got the wrong

impression i think i might have said, look at it, I said something about his legs as well, and he thought I meant him. Oh, OK. But I'm going back, Frank. I'm there tomorrow. Well, I've heard it's a big sort of chatter. I mean, you say I'm experienced at it.

I've done almost no dog walking. Oh. You see, the dogs that we had, we didn't take them for a walk. Why not? They sort of doubled as strays. We let them out, is what we did. We'd get up in the morning and let them out,

and then they'd come back about eight o'clock at night looking a bit rough-haired and slightly crazy-eyed. God knows what they went up to. We had one that used to bark outside the butchers on a regular basis until he got bones. Didn't you take them out for daily walks then? No, I don't know if we had a lead. The only lead I remember, we had one of those chain leads,

and I took Shep for a walk. I was drunk. I used to get him very drunk and take the dog for a walk, three o'clock in the morning. Anyway, he saw a cat run off. I came home without him. My dad came into the bedroom outright and hit me with the lead. Did he?

Yeah. Families. into the bedroom outright and hit me with the lead. Did he? Yeah. Oh, families. So when you watch The Royal Family and you think, this is very realistic, it isn't. Where's the violence? That's what I... No, so we never really... And nowadays, I don't know how this has happened to me,

but I've become allergic to... I haven't tried dogs, but cats. If I go around someone's house and they've got a cat, I've started to sneeze in. I've never, ever had that. I live with cats, and now I've started sneezing. Isn't that weird? I just can't handle the dander anymore.

I'm a slave to the cat dander. Oh, yeah. That'd be some good graffiti, wouldn't it? Grace Jones. Slave to the cat dander. No, the way it was, though, when I was a kid, there was less of a sense of ownership with dogs. So you just let your dogs out.

They all hung out together. Well, in your house, right, there was less of a sense of ownership with dogs. So you just let your dogs out, they all hung out together. Well, in your house, right, there was less of a sense of ownership. No, but the local community, there was always dogs running around. You don't see dogs running around London on their own, do you? You don't now, no. I think they're gathered up. They are. That's what's happened.

But, yeah, we used to. And if you were out and you saw, you know, say, two dogs fighting, you'd go and get a broom and separate them. It wouldn't matter if they weren't your dogs. People took responsibility, group responsibility. It was like any football fan. Well, I hit them with a broom. It was a bit like, you know, zonal marking on a football pitch.

Whoever's next to you, that's who you're marking. And if a dog was there, you'd discipline that dog. I'm recommending it for the nation's children. I think it's the way forward. Oh, yeah. Communal dogs. Zonal marking. If you see kids misbehaving, go in and tell them off,

give them a cough around the ear. That's what they used to do in the old days. You can't do it with kids. You can do it with dogs. Why can't you do it with kids? Because people get uppity about it and they don't tell my kid off. You know, my kid's got a right to throw himself on the floor and throw juice all over the place. Wear a false beard. Wear a false beard.

Oh, that's what's missing from that, isn't it? Yeah. Disguised. What do you do? You've got to hit them hard enough to knock them out. That's the way. Can I say that Absolute Radio absolutely does not approve the striking of children or dogs. It's all right, I've fared with poultry.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.