The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 31 May

Episode Date: May 31, 2011

Frank's sleeping is still causing him strife, Gareth receives flowers and Emily has a beefcake overdose.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We're off and this is the Not The Weekend podcast.

Frank Skinner, Emily, Gareth, Absolute. What's all the ingredients? You just put them anywhere you like. Gareth went a bit laddy then. You went, hello. Yes, not at all him. Has to be said. And that's a good thing, obviously.

What, a good thing not being me? It's a good thing not being laddish. Oh, yes. I think you'll agree. Yes, that's true. OK, let's not start. Let's not get prickly early on. Don't want to have him there. Oh, yes, my private life.

Although, do you know, I was accused this week. Can you believe this? My girlfriend said to me, I'm starting to think that you deliberately cause arguments between us so you can talk about them on the radio show. Did she say that? Yeah. Interesting.

And what was your reply to this? Theory. Well, obviously, I was too busy writing it down, really. No, I mean, it's an outrageous idea. I find these arguments incredibly painful, and they reduce me. It's what they do. But once you've done them,

you might as well talk about them on the radio. That's what I always say, you know. Nothing wasted. It's true. Remember Jonathan Ross said to me as a comedian that I was like a Chinese chef. He used to say, even the feet, he used to say to me. Even the feet you use.

So, anyway, speaking of which, I was, as you know, I have an ongoing situation at home in the reading in bed thing. Oh, yeah. Now, I've spoke about this on the radio show. I don't think I've mentioned it on the Not The Weekend podcast. I always suspect there's an overlap between the audiences. There might not be. A guy said to me, I only listen to Not The Weekend podcast because it's shorter.

Did he? I thought if it's short and you're after, why listen at all? Well, exactly. Also, what he would like is a bit of the podcast. Yeah. Because a bit can be as short as you want. Why doesn't he just listen to a trailer? So anyway, I was at home and I bought another light this week, another tiny

reading light. The dispute is that my girlfriend likes to sleep, I like to read for about an hour and a half. I bought a tiny, honestly there's barely any light coming from i'm sure it's going to make me blind it's like if you can imagine i house the glow worm in my navel that's about how much illumination i've got i'm peering little micro light yeah and it's um it's it's not helpful we've got other distractions my girlfriend Well, Kath insists that we sleep with the doors, the sort of window open. Hold on. Which band are you with, the distractions or the doors?

Well, on this occasion, there's a balcony adjoining our bedroom, see? Hmm, OK. Jim is distracting. I like there's a balcony adjoining our bedroom. It sounds like the start of a recitation. Or an old coward play. Yeah.

So she insists on the doors being open, so it's quite windy in there in the night. So I've heard. She also, she does, Frank, she likes a cool temperature, doesn't she? Oh, my God. She does. And, yeah, as I've said before, I think, we actually have honks of meat hanging on hooks.

So do I. And let's not go there. No. So, it's very hot in this studio. I don't know about you. It's like a scene from Tinko. I'm going to take a layer off. I don't know whether I'm one of the nasty soldiers

or whether I'm Stephanie Beecham. I haven't made my mind up. A lot of my parents' friends in that. I can't believe it. What were they? Nazi Walker? They weren't Nazis, were they? Japanese.

Fair play to them. I don't want to diss the Japanese. They weren't Nazis. Okay, they were shoulder to shoulder, but they never actually succumbed. They were quite shoulder to shoulder. Slightly shorter. Maybe a bit. They were shoulder

to armband. Can we get on? Yes. So what happens is the door, the bedroom door, the wind coming in through the windows causes the door to creak open and shut all night.

Eerie. That's an eerie sensation. It's an eerie sensation it's eerie what's that eerie yeah that's that's something that's said sometimes isn't it like a tip of iry yeah it's like it's a reggae thing isn't it it's like iron eye man forward upon a different scene iron eye man collie weed iron eye man queen that's what it's like. Nevertheless, so if you can imagine, you know that child's game, is it called Peepo?

Peepo? I don't like that child's game. You know when you go, Peepo? Oh, yes, I do. You sort of appear from under the table. Imagine, if you will, Count Dracula was babysitting, and he was playing... David Williams. And he was playing...id williams and he was playing yeah and i don't count dracula is that creepy um but imagine him playing people so the child is in a

high chair or maybe in a boggy and uh imagine that that dracula is just opening the coffin lid looking out and going people and thenboop, and then closing the coffin lid. And it's just that, rrrr, rrrr. And that's what I've got all night. So, now that the summer months are upon us, of course, we've discarded our hot water bottles. Do you know we didn't even bother emptying them? They're just lying there with cold water in. So I thought, this is perfect.

So I put one either side of the door. And now that problem's been solved, eh? Very good. It sounds rather elaborate. It's like some Heath Robinson contraption. It does the trick. It means we have to sleep with the door open, so even more light is coming in.

But anyway, nevertheless, I wake up the other morning and I look across to the pillow and what do I see? Kath's feet are on the pillow. Well, I mean, it's been a while. And I was confused, to say the least. Feet but on the pillow. Well, I mean, it's been a while. And I was confused, to say the least. Feet but no head? Well, she was connected, but she'd gone round in the night.

I'm glad she was connected. No Paul Daniels trick going on there. No, no, it wasn't like the Godfather. I didn't wake up and there was a... Oh, oh, oh! Yeah, exactly. I did do that. But she had odd socks on. I'm very pernickety on that.

So I was obviously confused. And also, it was about six in the morning. I couldn't get back to sleep because when you're lying next to the top of somebody, there's not a lot of violence going on. But feet. Well, you say that. Yeah, but feet, you know, they're quite, they can kick out. Yes.

So it turns out that our bedroom gets very light in the morning and she's decided it's darker at that side of the bed, that end of the bed, than it is at the top end of the bed. I don't know how she's worked this out. I think it's something to do with the international date line. So she's now started... We're sleeping spoons, I believe is the phrase. Oh, top and tailing.

But it's not nice, because if I, say if I have a bad dream, I like to reach out in the night. I don't want to grab an ankle. You don't want to grab an old foot. No. Well, she's got a dainty foot and a shapely calf, but that's not the point. No. You don't want to grab an old foot. I don't want, why didn't she take the pillow with her?

I know. That would have been mine. To leave the pillow. So she's lying at the other end. Now, you see, I'm not a broad-shouldered man, but I find if you lie on your side and there's no pillow... You're no Michelle Obama. No. But the head's got nowhere to go.

Are you with me? Yeah, so there's... Well, I wasn't happy with it, I have to say. Oh, Frank. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, because I've had quite an exceptional week, actually. Oh. I've had what I call a beefcake week.

Is that... Is that... I've forgotten. You were going to say, is that exceptional? Yes, that's what I was going to say. Well... Phew, that was... I thought you were joking.

I was just going to do the Heimlich. Just a minor breakdown, I had. I was poised for the Heimlich. Just a minor breakdown, I had. I was poised for the Heimlich. I didn't know what he was saying. I heard X and something. He was saying, let's talk about sex and getting queasy. It's like that old Norman Collier routine. So I said...

And he said... Actually, on radio, that's probably quite terrifying. Trust me, it's hilarious in its day. Next. So, um, hunk week number one. Honk week? Yeah, that's what I'm calling my week okay uh well my first beefcake was i was having dinner with a friend of mine and he said he's a platonic friend of mine lovely guy tom and he said would you mind if a friend joins us now normally i hate that i

do i don't like opf other people's friends i really don't like i don't like them in any way shape or form i don't want to know you can i say i don't like them in any way, shape or form. I don't want to know you. Can I say I don't like people who say any way, shape or form? I mean, I really don't. Oh. It's gone very well for me. Not for the first time, let's be honest. Um, so, normally... I like to think that awkwardness

is the mortar that holds the bricks of this show together. Yeah, I would say that. Certainly the motto of the show. Um... i would like to say about that i wish you'd stop saying that they'll think we have you in a large vat of water in one corner of the studio did i tell you i interviewed pamela anderson for the second time and she didn't remember the first time i interviewed her and then halfway through the second interview she said oh do you remember now i remember the awkwardness.

How lovely. I might bond with her over that, over the anyway, shape or form. But no, I don't like when other people's friends drop in on you. It's like, how do you know we'll get on? It's an imposition. It is an imposition. I find my friends a stretch, let alone their friends. Yeah.

But I made an exception in this case. Do you know why? Because the friend, the friend... Was a hunk. It was only the hunk, the gardener from Desperate Housewives. No. No. The gardener from Desperate Housewives. What, the young one?

Yes. Oh, my God. I know. Even Gareth fancies him. He's a dreamboat. I know. Is he? Yeah.

He's extraordinary. It was like... When I'm at a him. He's a dreamboat. I know. Is he? Yeah. He's extraordinary. It was like... When I'm at a meal, I like a gravy boat. I don't know, I haven't seen... Frank, I'm going to show you pictures. I watched the first seven episodes of... Desperate Housewives. Desperate Housewives series one,

and I said to myself, I'm going to watch every... I love this, I'm going to watch every episode. Never watched it since. The Hunky Gardener was in those ones, wasn't he? Gorgeous. It was a really strange experience. I don't think I've ever been that up close to someone that good looking. Really?

I take that as a personal slight. It was a living work of art I was eating with. And he was nice as well. A living work of art. Yeah. The Hunky Gardener. He was. The facial construction of the man. All nice as well. A living work of art. Yeah. The honky gardener. He was. The facial construction of the man.

All his as well. Then, later in the week, I go and see X-Men. Because my friend wrote the screenplay. I know that's boastful, but I don't care. No, no, that's something to be proud of. And I really enjoyed it. But I stopped enjoying it at one point. Do you know why?

Why? Michael Fassbender, who plays Magneto. Mm-hmm. I fancied him so much, made me upset made you upset i got really depressed for about two days the depression lasted because i just knew the fact is you know he's not going to date an absolute radio dj i'm never going to walk on a caron beach with michael fassbender he's in a different visual firmament to me, I'm afraid. I have to accept that, Frank. No, that's just a film.

Well, I don't know, who was that guy who a fan sent a brazier through the post and he ended up marrying her? No, you didn't marry them. Oh, yes, you're right, the man from 90210. Yeah. Luke Perry. Yeah, there you go.

So, I mean, that's, you know... I can't afford the postage. I think Bravissimo do a FedEx system. But it did put me in a really strange depression for about two days. Really? Yeah, I just, I woke up and then I remembered how good looking he was and how I'd never be with him. Oh, God. It's a possibility.

You know, Fassbender's just his name. Well, my friend said, why are you depressed? I was too embarrassed to say why. Because I couldn't say because I fancy Michael Fassbender. Well, I was just the same after the social network. Oh, because you liked him. I had a strange stirring about Jasek Eisenberg. Jesse Eisenberg.

Jesse Eisenberg. Jasek, did I say? Yeah, there's probably some terrible Freudian slip in that. I don't want to analyze. Yeah, Jesse Eisenberg Jesse Eisenberg Jacek did I say yeah there's probably some terrible Freudian slip in that I don't want to yeah Jesse Eisenberg I found strangely

I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood after I was just asked who am I who am I I constantly said to myself it reminded me

I had a similar strange sort of both sides of your sexuality experience on my honeymoon of all occasions you know I was married for ten months.

Yes, I remember. You may know that. And we went to Florence. Not the tall, ginger-haired woman. No. To the city. That's a nice choice. Well done.

Yeah, exactly. And, well, you know, you like to educate the young. And I saw Donatello's David, a sculpture of a very androgynous figure with a few flowers i've seen up close yeah and um well how can i put it a bottom to die for and i i must have stared at it for 20 minutes i mean the the you know the the statue in general the bottom for in particular and my my And my wife became enraged. Did she? She said to me, who looks at a statue for 20 minutes?

In a rhetorical question, I think. I don't think she wanted a list, you know, of art critics. That would have been ludicrous. But, yeah, and I think there was a slight bit of drool on the corner of my mouth which was a but yeah it did it's i've seen that up close and i'm with you there yeah but i mean that's it for me but yeah jesse isam uh yeah it was it was weird well my gardener's called jesse well he's not my gardener but um he's called jesse as well you're honky garden might work out you know Jesse's just his name.

I'm glad you did that, because you did it with Fastbender, no one noticed, and you let it go. Then you thought, I have another opportunity to revamp. Recycling is what's keeping this planet on its feet, not this planet has feet. Frank, I've just had an idiotic Eureka moment. I've just got Fastbender. Yes, well, I knew you didn't the first time, and I didn't laugh out of

spite. But he's pulled it, he's turned it round with Jesse. He has. Good lad. I was hoping it would just pass by unnoticed, because I'm not sure about the ethics of those jokes, but that's okay. Okay. Yes.

We can have an ethics debate. I think you'll find the only way is ethics. Is that the name of the programme? I'm having a terrible moment of day. That's absolutely first class. I don't like this.

I think it's safe to say, I think it's a feminine thing about being in a mood and not telling people. How is it, not telling people why? Well, yeah, I mean, you know, it's that game that one has to play. Guess what I'm cross about. Yeah, exactly. Or just all sorts.

I mean, Kathy's a complete enigma to me a lot of the time. She'll say, oh, no, I don't want to do that. And I say, why? And she'll say, no, just and I have to try and do detective work. I bought her three beautiful pairs of jeans while we was on I was away in New York. Beautiful. She looks fantastic

in them. Tried them on, loved them, great. Three pairs? Three pairs of jeans. Two for one offer? No, three for two. No, I just went crazy. I was on holiday. To hell with it. Yeah. And she's got six legs, as I tell you that.

Well, that explains why the pillow thing was so disturbing. Yeah, she comes from a small hamlet near Chernobyl. But, oh, God, when we did the 3D Isle of Man tribute, we brought the house down. No, so I brought the jeans back. She loved them, tied them on, they looked great.

And I noticed a week went by, two weeks. You know when you buy someone a clothing gift, you're looking to see, oh, no sign. So I said, are you not wearing the jeans? Oh, I will wear them, I just, it's a bit warm. There's snow on the ground. You're going to wear the jeans? I can't find the right

etc, etc. In the end, I said, come on, I need to know. Turned out, it took about three months to find out that a mother had told her that if you wear jeans you get a yeast infection. Well, I mean, can that be right? I mean, the whole cowboy ethos would know what and also that's your

well we call her your mother-in-law sandy mason sandy mason as you know she favors a yoda billowing sleeve she does in a neutral tone yeah so i haven't seen her in a jean she's not really a jean wearer no billowing sleeve she sleeve she likes. No, it's true. So no wonder she's promoting this propaganda. It's annoying, no, because, you know, I paid several, I'm going to say it, several dollars for those. Kath's not a fan of a jean or a pant though. But because of that, though, there's always a dark ulterior motive. Denise, I mean, have you ever heard of that? I. But because of that, though, there's always a dark ulterior motive. Denise?

I mean, have you ever heard of that? I've never heard of that. I don't even know what a yeast infection is. I think I got one once from Home Brew. I can be a bit moody. Oh, come on. No, but I do tell people, I think ladies often give men too much credit

that we'll be able to work out why the moods are happening. I don't think we know. I haven't got the deductive powers. Just spell it out to me, please. This has gone a bit jaspication. And they take so long to get ready, don't they? I've noticed some differences. Unbelievable.

I've noticed some differences. Unbelievable. I've noticed some differences. And they love a white wine. Outside of the purely biological. Yeah. No, so every weekend I stay with my friends in Camden. And he's a very close friend of mine, Chris. And you get bantery with your mates. And we were looking for a film to watch and looking through. You know, you do the on-demand films. We were looking through and we were um you get bantery with your mates and we were looking for a film to watch

and looking through you know you do the on-demand films we were looking through and we were being a bit bantery and he he likes like a hollywood blockbuster what are the on-demand films um bulletproof monk no but what does that mean what does that mean you can just you can just click on it and like on the internet yeah no no no, no, no. On telly? On like, you know, if you've got a Virgin or Sky Plus... Did you just say on telly? I believe you did. On telly. Yeah, but they're kind of...

Like Skybox office? Yeah, Skybox. That's where you're there. Okay. That's what... I was thinking Jackie Smith's husband. We're talking on CrossFit. Okay, so you go through and you banter.

He's got a broader taste. He can... Tasting films for me, he can appreciate a Hollywood you banter. He's got a broader taste. He can... Tasting films for me, he can appreciate a Hollywood blockbuster where I just find them a bit boring. I like something a little bit arty, a little bit, you know, more... And so we would go...

You like man and woman discussing their relationship with subtitles in a cafe? Maybe not that arty. Maybe slightly less arty. Give us a for instance. So for instance, he thinks Transformers is a great film. I wasn't into it.

The Hangover, he really liked. I wasn't so into The Hangover. What do you like? Well, I would say, oh, you would like that sort of film. I like the fact that you actually did a Gareth impression, which I think was quite good. It's the sort of that you went to the sort of platonic essence of who Gareth was, and there you found the impression. That was brilliant.

Frank, I like the fact that this character likes Transformers and The Hangover, because I think he sounds like he's like Paddy McGuinness or something. Is he a bit like that? No, but he can appreciate... He's a film teacher. He does media arts. If you get one of your films, does he say, No lighty, no, Lighty? Oh, OK.

He likes a broad range of films, but, you know, over Friday evening, he wants to watch something rubbish. He's been all week talking about Battleship Potent, Kim. He wants a bit of... He wants to watch something Lighty. And I said... So, in this particular situation, an example of me getting moody,

I said, oh, let's watch that new Bill Hicks film. And he said, oh... A fine choice. Bill Hicks is rubbish. I think he's... And because we've been bantering... I thought you'd have suggested Ryan Averna Fassbender just to see if you can work in another one of your homophobic remarks.

Let's watch that one with Michael Fassbender and also Social Network. Yes, yes. I think of another one with someone with a name. Well, the listeners can do that themselves. Why should I do that? You can always come in later in the week and add one. And because we were pulling each other's legs and so he went in quite hard and was

saying oh i think you're taking the whole fast bring the thing too far um bill hicks no he's rubbish i think he's harsh oh there's no such thing as god dinosaurs uh no such thing as dinosaurs oh he's an idiot he's the worst comedian i've ever seen has he got him mixed up with richard dawkins he's the worst comedian I've ever seen. Well, at least that was a backhanded cop moment. Yeah, no, it's true. At least the worst... To put a nail in the coffin, he said, no, you're better than Bill Hicks.

I think you are a better comedian than Bill Hicks. Yeah, but on the plus side, you could put that on your posters now. That's true. That's true. But that, no, that is... Bill Hicks is, I mean, I'm not like him stylistically, but he is the reason I started doing comedy. So I went very quiet after he said that.

Thanks for Tommy Trinder. He was, yeah. He was a judge on Britain's Got Talent 1941 when I went on. I've never looked back. Where is that rear view mirror so Bill Hicks is the reason you did stand up comedy fans you know

and he hardly does any puns and I went quiet well so did Bill Hicks he really has had an influence on you, hasn't he? OK, so... Yeah, the main influence on my stand-up of Bill Hicks is dying. Yeah, OK. Yeah.

You've recreated it so many times. So you were in a sulk, basically. Yeah, so basically I started and they said, no, no, you've upset me now, saying that about Bill Hicks. And it was embarrassing because, you know, it's a comedian who I like, but he had taken it too far. Yeah, but you did tell him, you were up front. Yeah, no, that's the thing, you have to be up front. I have to say, I think he trampled all over your feelings in that.

Yeah, no need for it at all. I suspected that he did it on purpose as well because he knew I was a fan of Bill Hicks. But we've talked about it and apologised and it's all smoothed over. We talked about it, it's fine. When you say we've apologised, does that mean you apologised as well for your reaction?

Yeah. I'm taking that as a no. Have you got a car yet, by the way? Yes. You have got a car? I know with yes you have got yeah yeah i know with the payments all right it's okay so far so so far so good and you went for skoda um yes so we've got basically exactly the same car we had before but at the estate version oh okay so slightly bigger boot so like you know oh i thought you meant he's had dogs running around it and there was a mattress on the back seat. A couple of bricks. No, it was a bit of a fluff because I forgot the registration documents. Oh, yes, I know those.

Your V5 or whatever it is. Yeah, and I looked for it, couldn't find it and assumed because it was a higher purchase thing that I'd done with the last car that I didn't have one. I was mistaken. You thought you were exempt. Yeah. And I had to go all the way back home. But when he handed over the car, it was a big moment

and I'd grown quite fond of Phil. We'd had a nice time together. Does he like Bill Hicks? I think he does. He's a huge comedy fan. Is he? I think this is the man who gave's a huge comedy fan. Is he? I think he's... This is the man who gave you a cup of tea. Yeah.

Doesn't he, sir? I think he's a bit of a friend of the show. He showed me around the new car, and then he said, in just one minute, and went off to the office and brought me out a lovely bouquet of flowers. What?

Yeah. From his pocket. He really is a comedy fan. Was it a clown car no he um had you done your Jesse Eisenberg joke when you press the horn

did glitter come out well there's a question so many possible interpretations of that sentence I don't want to go to any of them

well that's lovely isn't it yeah i mean it's always taken aback i didn't really know how to respond it's hard my impulse was to kiss him on the cheek when he gave me flowers oh no if you impulse as well well that is a bad sign spent a lot of time talking about that how lovely that but i don't think to give a man of course i'm not used to giving flowers to men i don't want a bit michael fastbender you think they're somewhat separate for uh you know an emirsham pipe maybe but oh it's nice well you say that but i read something this week there was some research

saying that women actually view if men buy them flowers they view that with tremendous suspicion i think if it's a wreath i've tried that one and they they can look edgy it's true no but they often infer from that the man's been cheating yeah what because you buy him. It does happen. You can't win. You can't win with them. No, you can't. You don't think he's been selling cars to other people behind your back. Well, it was quite difficult to explain to Laura that a car salesman had given me flowers.

Yeah, who's going to believe that? Yeah, and how come he gave you those scratches on your back? Oh, no, when I put the roses on the back of the driving seat and there were thorns. No, I think there's something lovely about it because a lot of blokes would have thought we were all men together, but no, you know, he's... Yeah?

I bet he liked the social network. We're going out for dinner this week. Yeah. It'll this week. Yeah. Be nice. Okay. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.