The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 6 July

Episode Date: July 6, 2011

Frank realises he has various soundtracks in his life, Emily raises the issue of the man cleavage and Alun reveals his seatbelt anxieties.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hi.

Yes, I've said hi. Get over it. This is Frank Skinner. It's not the weekend podcast. Through the auspices of Absolute Radio. And I'm with Emily. And you guessed it. I'm with the cockerel as well.

He's in residence. He's on a stomp, not too far in the distance, as the sun rises. My jingle never really took off, if we're honest. Did you have a jingle? Well, we tried, but I don't know why. It just never took off, Frank, did it? I think we had to see Emily play Pink Floyd,

but then A Sport Victorian Child by The Fall became much more my theme tune. Yes, we... Yeah, it's all gone. It's OK, it's no biggie. We can look into that. You can try this. What do you think?

I love, love... OK. I'll tell you what we haven't done for ages. I know, I won't even bother. No, how long has it been since I did this? Oh, right. We used to do this, Alan. I'd do things like, I wrote to one of the gladiators the other day

and I wrote, Dear Hunter, and then we'd be off. And there was one of those every week. I milked it to the point where... He really dust in my hands. But those were our formative years. Speaking of all things musical, I've noticed, you know, sometimes you notice that you do something. You've been doing it instinctively for years. And one day you think, oh God, I always do that. Oh God. You've been doing it instinctively for years,

and one day you think, oh, God, I always do that. Oh, God. I went to a cash point the other day, and as I was leaving, you know, I got some money. I always go for the full 200. Do you? Oh, yeah. Oh, Alan, what do you go for?

It varies depending on my... No, I like to get the 200. I like the frisson of passing the... You know the homeless man that always accompanies... You know, they're like the trolls that guard the mountain passes they always sit by the cash points. I like the idea of the frisson of passing with

that much cash in my pocket at the risk of if you know you'd lose 200 quid if he was attacked And now everyone knows that you permanently have 200 pounds on you. Well I don't obviously because that goes down a hundred periods of time. Well, I mean, that'll get down. Sometimes I'll go as low as ATP before I make that £200.

Cats are running rampage in those health food stores. Oh, I'll say. I get a clean £50, Frank. A £50? Mm, what do you go for? £20? Like I say, it depends on what my movements are. If I know I'm getting a lot of taxes in the next few days,

then I'll probably get 100. But if not, then it depends, really. It depends on what's coming up. You have to bear in mind I'm a stand-up as well, so I get paid in cash sometimes. So I don't often need to visit. I hope that's been declared. Of course.

Good. That's a penny. I also... Are you one of those people who will put a set amount in at a petrol pump? I'll just put 30 quid in. I fill it up.

Oh yeah. Well it's the same thing. Maximum at the cash point. Maximum at the petrol pump. Right. You know. Yeah. I know what you mean. When you are about to die, salute you. It's a sort of fabulous carpe diem approach to the cash point. Yeah.

Anyway, what I've noticed is as I leave the cash point with the 200 quid, padding out my wallet, I always sing to myself, Got Brass in Pocket by The Pretenders. I always, always do. That's nice. I say it to myself because you don't want

the homeless person to hear you singing that. They'll think you're gloating. But yeah, I always do it. Do you do it slightly under your breath then? Give me a little rendition. So I've got the money.

You get the money out. The cards come out and the money comes out. I never count it. I never count it. No, don't need to. They could have been short-changed me for years.

The Nat West. So that goes in my pocket and as Ianged me for years, the Nat West. So, you know, that goes in my pocket. And as I go away, I go, the Nat West. I do the, I don't just do the lyric. Oh, you do Got Laguerre a bit as well. I do, I do. Got red. I do it a bit of a Chrissie Hine.

I don't do it in my own style. I completely adopt the Hindian approach. And it's nice that there's so many songs with money in the title or chorus and yet you pick one and it's up with you.

I don't know where it's come from. It's because it's got the idea that it's in my pocket, I suppose. And it's brass. Well, I'm going to work this out because that came out in the sort of

late 80s, early 90s. Post your marriage, maybe you suddenly felt euphoric because you're an independent man of independent means. Well, I don't know if I had any money before then. Oh, okay.

I think me having money in the bank coincided with the pretenders bringing out brass in pocket. There you go. Is it brass in pocket or has it got brass in pocket? No, it's brass in pocket. Yeah, but has it got the word got at the front of it? Has it got got in brackets? Yeah, no, you're right.

You're right, Frank. I love it when they have brackets. Why bother with brackets? I love a love it just put the whole thing in but frank you pointed this out now and i have to say i do this an awful lot this sort of soundtrack business yeah well i noticed i used to do it when i was younger this is this is terrible but my sister and i had quite a difficult adolescence both of us parents had a messy divorce i'm over oversharing. Well, you need to know the backstory. Because my mum, she used to come back and we were getting on... Sorry, you just reminded me of another one. I'll take it a minute. Carry on.

We were getting on quite badly, partly because my sister and I would just lie in bed smoking till, like, four in the afternoon and never do the dishes. How old were you? About, sort of, 15. There's something so exciting there about the whole concept of indoor smoke isn't it it feels like the wall of death to me so my mum would come back in some 80s get up not

very happy and we'd get scared because we think the house wasn't tidy she'd be really unhappy so we'd always sing oh here she comes watch out boy she'll chew you up. We used to sing Manny to Hall & Oates. We still do it to this day. Really? Yeah, all the time. People have got a soundtrack, haven't they? Not just me with my cockerel sound effect. No, when you mention The Messy Divorce,

my current thing is a well-known TV theme tune that I fit every aspect of my life into. For example, a friend of mine said, oh yeah, it's all gone, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to have to see a divorce lawyer. And I went, divorce lawyer. Da, da, da, da, da.

And I thought that was inappropriate, wasn't it? I could tell the way she looked at me was, hold on, why would you be singing that? That was a bit awkward. Do you have a little soundtrack to your life, Alan? Occasionally, if I'm on the way up a flight, you know on the escalators, on the tube,

and it's really busy, as I'm rising from the ground, I will have the Stone Rose's I Am The Resurrection. I just quite like the idea that everyone's gathered around me as I'm being elevated. I love that yours is quite self-important. I love it. It's not really me.

I don't know what's... No. No, it's not always... It's always the quiet ones. He's messianic. I'm sorry. And I find that whenever I change the calendar, like this week just gone

obviously it became July and whenever I do that mum which is quite a ritual I've got Wild West drawings on one side of the room and George Formby calendar on the other so I have to change both

you have a two calendar room because I don't know which one I'm going to be facing how can you ever predict that well that and you're leading a double life, of course. Yeah, exactly. So, I always sing the... Do you remember the calendar song? January, February, March, April... I have to sing in a West Indian accent, forgive me, but that's how they sang it.

I don't know that song. I do not know that song. Oh, the lyrics were January, February, March, April Unsurprisingly And a great moment, the middle eight Was August, September, October, November, December Then they'd repeat it August, September And then back into January, February

Anyway I always sing it Who did the lyrics, Tim Rice? When I sing it I'm playing a tin drum. The hands are making their way around the circle of the old oil drum. I don't do that. I'm hamming it up for you. You're embellishing. You give me an audience and I start showing off.

But when I'm just changing the calendar, I just go, January, February, March. And sometimes I'll give a bit of emphasis to the month. April, May, June. July! Because it's July. I hope I'm not around for the July moments. No, well, you know, it's a 12 to 1 shot.

Got a year. Can I tell you another one? And I've done this a couple of times if I meet someone who's associated with a tune obviously the tune's in my head and I went for lunch once with Eric Clapton

we were sitting talking and I came back from the toilet going and then I thought oh no and I knew he'd heard it but I didn't have the courage to bring it up and I thought what did he think when I did that

well you do, it's funny because ever since we went to see Elton John and the Union Chapel with Absolute Radio whenever I say the word Elton John you do a little rendition of Rocket Man no it's not Rocket Man. No, it's not. It's Crocodile Rock.

Probably. Yes, Crocodile Rock. Yeah, if you... They're a bit like trains out on Johnstown. If you go... You'll be able to fit them all in eventually. Yes. Well, how would you feel if somebody was...

How would you? How would you feel? He was an eccentric character. Wasn't he? That's not... I've lost my track now How would you feel if somebody was humming Three Lions in your presence? That'd be the same sort of thing, wouldn't it? To be honest, I'm a little bit upset if they aren't

Really? In that case, perhaps Clapton went Finally, I've had lunch with someone that came back humming Yeah, but I bet he was thinking, why not a solo track? Why not Who Shot the Sheriff? It has to be Derek and the Dominoes. What next? White Room by Cream? What if he'd have said that to me? Hey, what next? White Room by Cream?

Sorry, Eric, I hadn't planned a set list for our lunch. Get over it. Frank, something's been on my mind of late. And it's to do with men. And it's to do with things of a sartorial nature. Excellent. And I'll tell you why. It's because there was a survey recently.

Do you know... There's always a survey. Well, no, but this was quite an important survey. It was to do with how many buttons men leave undone on their shirt. And the average male, apparently, it's now descended... I used descended because it's descended to three. So most men now favour at least three buttons undone, which they're calling the sort of Simon Cowell effect.

I'm just checking when I have one undone. Yeah. What about yourself? Alan? Alan's gone for two. I've got two, but normally this one would have one, but... Yeah, don't try and wheedle your way out of it. You've gone for two.

I think two's OK, though. On this particular shirt, two's fine. If it was a floppier shirt, it would be one. Yeah, well, some might say this is a bit highly buttoned. No, you're all right there, mate. But the thing is... Do you like me trying to be like a man? Yeah.

No, you're all right there, mate. You know, the higher you go, the nearer you get to Paul Weller. That's what I always think. I'd rather be Paul Weller than Simon Cowell. Oh, me too. That's an interesting text in that, wouldn't it? You're Arthur B. Paul Weller than Simon Cowell Oh me too That's an interesting text in that Would you rather be Paul Weller Email it now

That would split the nation But Frank I don't like Anything like that exposed I don't like it Those aren't your strong areas I don't mean you to You looked horrified when I said that It's true

If I went three buttons Such is the narrowness of my shoulders your strong areas. I don't mean you to, you looked horrified when I said that. Well, no, because it is true. It's not true of you. If I went three buttons, it would, I mean, such is the narrowness of my shoulders, I would completely emerge. That's what would happen. I would, I would,

it would be like a banana coming out of the skin. And, no, I am very, I am very narrow of the, you know, if I undid four buttons, within two minutes, I'd look like Jane Russell in The Outlaw. Well, it's funny you say that, because some people say, you could say double standards.

Women... Yes. I'm just thinking, she actually went out with Howard Dew. It's fabulous. Fabulous. Obscure vein running through our conversation. I love an obscure vein.

I'm getting it treated next week. But no, I do find women might wear a low-cut top. I'm wearing one today. Don't look. Are you? I can't see over my computer screen. But. A little insight there to the visual elements of the podcast.

Enjoy it. But I think that's okay. Because traditionally, women are a little bit cheeky sometimes on the clothing front. Men, that's not your area. Those aren't your strong points, that chest area. No, I'm also, I get, how can I put this, I get a bit spotty on the chest. That was my biggest spot region. Is it really? Yeah. It looks like an AA nerve centre, my chest.

This is glowing red dots across it. And, no, that's best covered up. I don't know what it is. I sometimes think I'm showering and forgetting to do my chest. Why, you're spending so long on the ears. Well, that's true. Is that right? Oh, he loves scrubbing the ears.

It's a new thing. You know the novelty of a new... A bit of previous on this conversation. Yeah, I never... I didn't clean my ears until I think it was October 10, October 2010. You never cleaned them? Never.

I always imagined that, you know... That must have been a hell of a day. I always imagined... Well, it was... I think it was October. What it was, it was the day that Edison invented the light bulb. And that seemed to me apposite. So, yeah, I'd never done it before.

Now I'm getting the cotton buds out. It first started off, I just, you know, I soaped up and then I might put a finger through the toilet paper type of cleaning. But now I've gone for a cotton bud. Yeah. It's satisfying though, isn't it? There's a feeling afterwards. It's less satisfying than it was because in the early days, I mean, I was bringing out gobbets.

Gobbets and stuff. And now it's just maintenance. But originally it would have been like panning for gold, wouldn't it? Oh, yes, it was quite... Yeah, it's more like panning for fudge. You can imagine. This is a horrible... Yeah, it was more like panning for fudge, you can imagine. This is a horrible... Yeah, exactly.

I could have sneaked it into a fudge shop. I could have put seven or eight cubes together and then Thornton's shot. Exactly. That was a sad tale. Join the dots. But you don't favour a low-cut... I mean, because they're also saying, Frank,

that there's been a rise in the sale of the V-neck for a man, you know, the T-shirt. And I don't think I've ever seen you in a V-neck T-shirt. No, no, I don't either. Long may that continue. I don't own a V-neck. I think from a distance in a V-neck, you look like the Wicked Witch of the West

because it looks like your chin. Oh, yes, you're right, Frank. And I don't want to risk that. It's a bit V for Vendetta, isn't it? I know exactly what you mean. It is V for Vendetta, yeah. I like a V-neck sweater. Do you?

I do, I like a V-neck sweater. I don't dabble with knitwear, hardly ever. Oh, really? No. He's got a hoodie in every colour, though, which he wears according to his mood. All the rainbow in hoodies. Yeah, mood hoodies.

I walked through the lobby of a fancy hotel the other day. This sounds like the beginning of a fabulous epic poem. No, no, it's not. It's an underwhelming anecdote, I would wager. I saw a man in only a cardigan, no shirt under it. Was it Top Cat? Oh, he had trousers and everything. Yeah, it was, I think, a Mediterranean guy.

Top Cat's grandad. Just in a cardigan. But that is a high risk. No shirt. No, but no, from this conversation, it transpires he could have been wearing a V-neck t-shirt underneath. Just a flesh coloured one. No, but

if he had the thing buttoned. I hope it wasn't man-made fibres. It was quite low down. Oh, no. Far too much male torso. What next? An unaccompanied dongeray? And I have never enjoyed... Yeah, Texas Midnight Runners were in the lobby. Exactly. I've never

enjoyed the V-neck jumper without a shirt on. To me, that always looks like someone's looking for an alibi and that there's a bloody shirt in a hedge somewhere. Oh, goodness. Yes, I know what you mean. I don't like that book. That's a good pint of that. It's a bit Michael Douglas' Midlife Crisis as well.

Don't like that. I'll tell you what I don't like, is the round neck jumper with a shirt and tie underneath. Oh, yeah. I entirely... This is why I'm such a fan of the V-neck. Because the tie is vying for attention. You know it's there, thinking, why am I even here? The round neck is...

What, for the top section of my knot? Forget about it. It's straining everything, isn't it? Yeah. There's too much going on. It's a bottleneck. The joy of the V-neck is that you can wear it with a collared shirt and with a round neck t-shirt. So you've bought two jumpers there, those of you that have invested in a V-neck.

Is it up there with the Tom Lehrer double cassette? Yes. It's a bargain, isn't it? I can't cope with the disappointment of knitwear. You know when you first get knitwear and you wear it and it's lovely and lush and wholesome. And it never, after the first wash, you can put in all your fabric conditioners, but it's never quite the way it is when you first get it.

No. It never recovers from the first wash. It never does. And I first wash. It never does. And I hate that. It's like, you know, the first time you have a physical relationship with someone, things are never quite the same after. Frank!

I find... Frank! Despite what Persia said, the reality is not better than the dream. Frank! Anyway. I'll tell you something else Something else I don't like

That I find men who wear a low bottomed shirt Is they'll wear I've seen men in Three or four different medallions You know chains Not one chain But three or four different chains I mean

What is that about It's a bit Mr T isn, isn't it? Yeah, are you wearing them or storing them? Yeah. That's what, you know, make a decision on this. You know when you see people snogging in the street and some people shout, hey, get a flat? Yeah. Yeah, well, if I see a man with like three or four necklaces on, I'll say, hey, get a jewellery box. Get a safe. You tell them. Yeah.

Or maybe one of those necks you can get, those boss with just the neck off a button. That's exactly the sort of thing you can pick up at a jumble sale or charity shop. And the nice thing about them, you can put the necklaces around the neck, but you can use the upper neck where it's been severed. You can use that as a pincushion. where it's been severed, you can use that as a pincushion. I had an awkward episode this week.

Oh, yeah. An episode. This is the age I'm at now. You're in the bill now. I'm having episodes. I quite frequently use a minicab company near my house, and this week I got one, and the man did the whole journey with his seat belt off and it's it really perplexed me annoyed me quite a lot because i felt immediately anxious that he didn't have his seat belt on but i also knew that i wasn't the sort of person to say could you put

your seat belt on whilst driving me please because it's making me anxious that you haven't taken this very safe measure. I mean, how long have we had them? Since 1975 or something. It's been law in the UK or something, I think. And there's no, there's not, it's not cool, is it, to not have your seatbelt on? Well, I think it might be in some masculine quarters. I don't know. It just... Isn't it a tough guy thing to do? I think so

he was quite a chunky guy so maybe he thought if I fly through the window did he have pictures of his children on the dashboard no I think that would have made me say for their sake you could I might have even said but we were on the motorway there was a little spell on the motorway

this is an all added ingredient if you're tootling around side streets... I think I mean dual carriageway flyover, but still with the potential for quite an impact. A road, on an A road. We're talking he was doing 40, maybe. Oh, and maybe in excess of that. Really?

Possibly even up to 50. Did you consider putting your arms through the gaps of his seat and grabbing him tightly around the waist as a safety measure. I was in the front seat alongside him. Oh, you were at the side of him. I would have had to reach right across. I'll tell you what I did consider, a citizen's arrest. But I just thought, how could I practise that?

If you did reach across and grab the seatbelt holder, you'd operate as a human seatbelt. That would have been brilliant. I don't know if he'd have took all right with it. I'm not sure it would have really helped in an impact situation. No.

My arm's just been near it. You're one of the only people I've met who rides up front and you know who the other person is? Who? Tell me. Franklin Skinner. He does it.

Actually, I've stopped doing it. Oh, do you? I always used to ride up front for a bit of a chat. But I've become more of a misanthrope. Oh, have you? Oh, good. I like become more of a misanthrope as I've got older.

I like to do quite a long I've done a 25 mile journey in utter silence. And I like it. There's something about being in the same space as a stranger and saying nothing. Which is, it makes you feel like a hostage. It's exciting.

For a while. My worry, if it's a minicab company, I don't think I'd have minded him not having it. If it was a black cab, I'd be worried that if we had an accident, he could shoot through the windscreen, I could be trapped and not be able to move my hands, and the meter is still going. And, you know, people arrive with oxyacetylene equipment. Yes, I'm all right. And, you know, people arrive with oxyacetylene equipment.

Yes, yes, I'm all right. Could you... Do you know how to... Could you... Is there a stop? Can you see a stop button? Hold on, I'm just going to get the door off. Hold on. Is there a stop? Can you see a pause or something? That's what would... I've always thought that that would be a lovely, one of the side prizes in Miss World,

is if, as well as getting your money and your lovely year of travelling around, that you had a seatbelt fitted in your car in the style of the Miss World sash. That's a great idea. With Miss World on it. Oh, I might get one anyway. Yeah, like a satin finish

Then I think people would be very happy To put those on Because it can interfere with your look That's the trouble I understand that but this man did not look like He cared about his appearance to the point where He was leaving his seatbelt off Let me tell you

Well where I live there's a garage underneath our flats, and you need what I would call a dibber to make the door open. And sometimes, if I'm wearing a jacket to drive, the seatbelt will be going right across the top of my pocket, and I'll reach for my dibber and I can't get in. So I've taken to wearing the jacket above the seatbelt. Oh, controversial. So the seatbelt now, it looks like I'm wearing some sort of shoulder holster. It's relaxed, though, isn't it? The jacket around the seatbelt. So the seatbelt now, it looks like I'm wearing some sort of shoulder holster. It's relaxed though, isn't it? The jacket around the seatbelt. Yeah, but I can imagine that someone would look at me and think, oh, he's not wearing a seatbelt because I'm, you know, it's secreted now.

I often drive with my belt undone one extra notch. I put my belt on driving setting. Do you really? Just, you know, if you're on a long journey, you don't want it digging in. No. Sometimes I'll put my seatbelt on and put my jacket on over the top. Put my jacket on last.

Oh, yeah. Well, sometimes... Can I say I made that up? He's just lying now. I was thinking this is like a game of Twister. How could you possibly do that? I was so overpowered by the belt story, I thought I have to come up with something otherwise I end up making a fool of myself

Oh you tried darling Sometimes it's hard to describe but if you're a lady as well it can hurt sometimes Do you understand? I've heard that Frank! So I sort of tuck it underneath It's hard to describe really

You tuck it underneath? Yes but I don't know if that's... I think that's anti-regulation. I think sitting on it is not... I think it has to grip you. Oh, it grips me all right. It grips me. It grips me underneath.

And it's a temperamental mistress, the seatbelt, I've found. I did wonder what you were talking about. If you yank, if you get forceful with it, it won't budge. No. No, you have to tease it out. You have to go, no, no, there's no rush, no rush to put you on. Come on. You know, there's a reason...

Come around here. Because in an impact, they move quickly. So if you move a seatbelt quickly... Of course. They're designed for that. Have you got airbags, though? Yes, I believe so. How people survive those slow-motion car crashes,

I'll never know. You'd think it would just... You'd go out like one of those dogs on a telescopic lead. Hey, I can offer a little public service. I was once in a car impact, shall we say. Oh, I love a car crash anecdote. Oh, do you? It's like JG bellard on the radio

what happened well no one was seriously injured everyone was fine let's not get into that but i have been in a car where the airbag is open oh the airbag oh it's like being in with jules holland and the man told me that it was a good job that I was wearing long sleeves because apparently when they pack in the airbag they put in a powder with it that if it goes off when you've got short sleeves on it can irritate your skin, it's a little bit... What about your face?

Oh, I won't be wearing black in my car ever. I sometimes drive in just a thong. Well, that's probably why there's been no accidents. Well, the air-con's not working. People are avoiding a guy driving in a thong. I have no choice. With his seatbelt and his jacket on. On a beaded...

You know those beaded seat covers, the wooden ball? Oh, no. From Ann Summers. The Ann Summers seat cover. The Love Egg seat cover. Yeah, absolutely. It's a niche market product. Yeah, once you switch them on, they start

rotating those balls. I was once slid all the way into the back seat on the motorway. Very dangerous. Well, I don't know, I mean, were you worried about him, the driver, or were you worried oh, if he goes through the windscreen, how am I

going to control the car? I was more worried if he goes through the windscreen, how am I going to control the car? I was more worried if he goes through the windscreen, I'm going to be annoyed because it's going to delay my journey, I'm going to be a witness to an accident, and it's all going to be his fault because he's not got his seatbelt on, and there's just no coolness to... I just don't understand why you wouldn't... Perhaps he

forgot? No, he knew. He drives all day. I know, but he could have easily, you know, got out. You know, they had to get out for fast food four or five times a day. They have to get out for fast food. Yeah, exactly. I saw they could do a drive-in. I think they're glad to stretch their legs.

He had the physique of a detective on a stakehouse. Did he really? Oh, did he? Yeah. Detective in a stakehouse? Yeah. He sounds like that kind of... Well well I think you should have you know you should have spoke

speak up next time but how would you say it look mate could you put your seatbelt on no just do it in the female way a bit passive aggressive a lot of subterfuge don't actually come out and say it but just kind of allude to it say something like oh I'm so glad I'm wearing my seatbelt

yeah oh I'm putting my seatbelt. Yeah, oh, I'm putting my seatbelt on and just put the emphasis on mine in a weird way. That's the female way. Yeah. Or you could start running your thumb provocatively up and down your seatbelt to draw attention to it. Don't know if you've ever done that. I don't want him to drive with his seatbelt

off in a state of arousal. No, that's true. That might take some of the impact. It could at least deflect him through the sunroof. Well, I've been using public... Is it a minicab qualifier as public transport? It does in my world. It certainly does.

I was on a train this week, and the train stopped in Notterham Station quite suddenly, and a voice came over the... I'm calling it the... The tannoy. The tannoy, yeah, exactly. Is this overground or underground, Frank?

This was... I don't know. We were womambling free. So I think there was an option. No, it was a proper train, not an underground train. And it stopped and a voice said, passenger emergency handle operated. Now, you see, if someone had said to me two weeks ago, what is that thing that you can pull that stops a train,

I would have said a communication cord. I had no idea it had become the passenger emergency handle. Nowhere near as good as communication cord. And then that got me to thinking about the whole concept of communication cord, the idea that you're communicating by a cord. It's lovely. It's got a sort of brief encounter. Yeah, I like it.

Which is how I feel whenever I'm on train travel. I don't sing the theme from Brief Encounter, if that's what you're thinking, but I will, especially if I stop off for a refreshment in the kiosk. I will think, ooh, look at me bend, please. You know, that's just me. But yeah, it was... That happened, and then what about this?

I went on the bus, and the seat at the front, you may know, is kept for the elderly and infirm. Oh, I always use that. Is that right? I love it. Right behind the driver. I thought that was like a VIP seat. I love that seat. There's a sign that says elderly and infirm. Anyway, I sat in that,. I thought that was like a VIP seat. I love that seat. It's right behind the driver. There's a sign that says elderly and infirm. Anyway, I sat in that and I thought,

I'll move if anyone elderly and infirm comes. And often you get the daggers, looks, you know, people sitting in there. And I've noticed in recent times, people are, well, come on, look at me in the elderly and infirm and think that's fair enough. As it should be. All is well with the world.

And I've just, it's suddenly struck me that I never get the dagger's look anymore. I've become entitled to the elderly and infirm. Oh, Frank. It's tough, but, you know, then again, it's a boon. Yeah, one wonders if it's a self-fulfilling

prophecy, though. Do you just think you're sitting in it with more, like, entitlement? You think you're allowed in so that other people are thinking, yeah, he's allowed in. Well, no, I don't, though. I feel like I'm cheating. Right. I don't feel that, though.

No, you're all right there. Yeah. And also, on the subject of seatbelts, if a bus crashes, well, presumably all the passengers are in a no-seatbelt situation. But the seats are different on buses, aren't they? I think there's a propelling thing. Oh, he knows his bus, doesn't he?

Surely someone's driven a bus into a wall as an NCAP test or something. Surely. Are we aware of the NCAP test? No, doesn't matter. Isn't it a charity for the mentally ill? No, NCAP is the stars that certain safe cars are given. Is that right? Five stars. They basically

drive the car into the wall. Don't you just love masculinity? I don't think of this as masculinity. I think it's just that I'm an idiot that's looked at... Do you have one of those big screwdrivers that unscrew on the handle and have different bits? My wife does. Your wife has one of those?

Yeah. That puts a whole new spin on things. It does. There are certain bits that, you know, we have no gender stereotypes. My wife's got the... It's all going to be prisoner cell blockade. Yeah, yeah.

I travel by public transport a lot. I see lots of weird life. Well, I think if you stop, some celebrities, they stop travelling. Yeah. Or they only go first and they don't meet the people. Yeah, but it's a fabulous window on the world. And also occasionally quite perplexing. I was once on a train.

They have Wi-Fi. Oh, I know. They literally have Wi-fi and and sockets the sock i love the unbelievable it is amazing what they can do now isn't it but i was on a train and it drove from it drove it went from manchester to stockport and then the guy came over and went uh yeah we're just gonna have to uh we've got a problem with the computer system on the train so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna turn it off and back on again. And that was what he did. Oh, I was on a train where they did that as well.

You did that? They rebooted. He treated a train like an ill-behaving laptop. Yeah. He turned it off and back on again. I was going, people are emailing and that's what you're doing. Like, we've got Wi-Fi on a trip we've got to this level of of technological advancement and you're turning it off and back on again surely there's some other way amazing i i was um i was on a train where a man complained about the volume of the announcements good did he oh good on him

they are rather loud now my favorite um tannoy announcement of late was I risked the self-service in Tesco Local, which I'd never done before. Did you go sandwich? Well, no, I had a whole bag of stuff, so I was running the barcodes and all that, and a voice said, unexpected

item in the bagging area. And I thought, well, there was a time I would have done three jokes off the back of that. But it's an unexpected item. And I was looking around thinking, what idiot has put an unexpected item in the bagging area?

And then this bloke came up to me and said, you have to lift, you have to put your bag down. And I said, well, it's, and I said, my bag is an unexpected item in the bagging area. It's the one thing I'd expect to be there. But apparently it goes off the weight

of the bag or something like that. Oh, is that right? No, I don't own a shopping bag. What are you talking about? He has a wheelie bin. I thought you may have had a satchel with you. I don't have a bag for. What are you talking about? He has a wheelie bin. I thought you may have had a satchel with you. I don't have a bag for life. That's Cliff Richard. No, I was just filling carrier bags.

So is he? I've heard that. He hasn't moved to the brown pipe. I mean, he wouldn't. But, no, I ended up, everyone was staring, you know. Oh. You know, that's that bloke off the telly there because they don't know how to operate in the real world. Those kind of looks.

Yes. I was getting. I'm more surprised that more people don't steal, though, don't abuse the system. Well, that's the kind of cynical attitude that has brought about the whole broken Britain theory. There must be a method for stopping it from doing that, hasn't it?

Yeah, I would think so. Surely it goes... Yeah, there's one lone security guard. I think, I'm surprised more theft doesn't go on. I'll tell you something else on the subject of public transport. I just recalled, I was on a bus last week and a man came on with a chair

what a full-blown throne no a proper like an office chair and he stood with the chair it was a pack boss and he stood with the chair and i thought well sit in you've got a chair sit in as fonzie said sit on it yeah exactly I was thinking, would it be acceptable, as this chair is now on a boss, for me to sit in it? I was standing. Would it be all right if I sat in his chair? I mean, there was no plastic cover or anything on it.

Was the chair wheeled at the bottom? Yeah, it was an office chair. Oh, that's probably why he didn't sit in it, because then he'd have ended up rolling around the bus. The bus takes a bend, he's, oh! Well, that would have been, I wouldn't have minded that. It would have been quite a carry-on style. It would have given me a chance to check everyone out on the bus.

Yeah. No, but he was holding the back of it. You could have been going round like Ironsides, manoeuvring your way around. Da-da-da-da-da! He was holding the back of the chair, so it wouldn't have moved about. I mean, he might have objected to holding.

He might have spun you like you were on the waltzes. Oh, no. Because maybe the reason he wasn't sitting is that he had to hold the chair. He had no hold of it. I hadn't thought of that. Oh, yeah. But he could have held on to the... If he'd have held on to the pole... Yeah.

He could have gone round and round it on the chair, like some sort of fairground amusement. Or a very poor lap dance. Yeah. Well, he wasn't an uneffective man. And he was a chair owner. Yeah.

So not totally impoverished. It's an interesting episode of Ironside, isn't it? Yeah, it's like? Yeah, exactly. The lap-dancing years. When police funding was cut. Oh, poor Raymond Burr. He didn't look good in it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.