The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 6 Oct

Episode Date: October 6, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Placebo gigs, drink missiles at gigs, balloons at gigs and other stuff not about gigs.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Gareth and Emily.

Hi, Frank. Hello. I've slightly changed the bill in there. See, Emily and Gareth don't squabble. I'll tell you, before we even start what one might call a structured conversation, ha-ha, I was walking along the south bank of the river thames you spend a lot of time around there don't you yeah well i live quite nearby that's true and i i don't know if i think i've mentioned this before i there are a lot of uh street oh i

can't really call them entertainers people that stand around asking for money in but you know not i don't mean people who are begging, I mean people who are painted gold and all playing the banjo and stuff like that a variety of street people and some of them are very good and some of them are completely rubbish, I mean there's a bloke now who's appeared

who just wears a polar bear suit and you know that, is that difficult? That's not enough, you need to sing for your supper Yes, anyway so I'm walking down there, well was it three days ago, it may have been four Is that difficult? That's not enough. You need to sing for your supper. Yes. Anyway, so I'm walking down there. Well, was it three days ago? It may have been four. And I saw a man in a Scooby-Doo outfit.

And again, I'm thinking, that's not, you know, that is not like painting yourself gold and keeping absolutely still. No. Or juggling or whatever whatever that's just wearing an outfit and you're going to get money for that and not only that but you know scooby-doo got a long thick neck thick muscular neck oh yes and a little nice attractive chain around it as well the collar exactly what this guy had is obviously if you're wearing the costume you have to look through the neck to give it the the necessary height right And the gauze wasn't there.

So what he had was quite a large gap between Scooby-Doo's chest, if a dog has a chest. Does a dog have a chest? Okay. Between Scooby-Doo's chest, his upper haunch. Haunches, yeah. Isn't his haunches at the back? Shoulders.

Do they have shoulders? I don't know. I at the back? Shoulders. Do they have shoulders? I don't know. I've got a diagram of dogs. Do dogs have shoulders? I don't know. They're disgusting. That's this week's following, ladies and gentlemen. Why do they cry?

Yeah, exactly. They must just cry on each other's backs. Haunches. Well, you've got that slight dip, I have to say, which is quite handy for sobbing. Just rest your chin on that. Anyway, so he's got this big gap in the middle. So what he's done, he's obviously thought,

well, I can't just have my face shown. That's going to look ridiculous. So he's wearing a chimpanzee mask. So what you got, you got Scooby-Doo, right, much-loved cartoon, you know, canine character, and at his throat,

emerging from his severed throat, is a chimpanzee's head, like some terrible mash-up of alien, alien one, I think we should call it now in retrospect and and scooby-doo it's a horrific genetic experiment and there was a kid standing looking at him i couldn't see any parents just tiny child looking that doesn't surprise me looking just like dissatisfied he get you the look on the child's face was,

no, I'm not having this. That's just not good enough. It just raises a lot of questions. One, are you sure it wasn't a chimpanzee inside the Scooby-Doo? Because that's something to see. Oh, yeah. But if it was not convincing... Now you come to mention it,

I'd like to see a chimpanzee in a Scooby-Doo, especially stitched in. So it was like struggling to get out. Yeah. Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo, what a fabulous combo that could be. Was it the fairground owner pretending to be Scooby-Doo to try and get the people off the scent, and he was wearing a chimp mask,

and at the end of the episode they would have to take two costumes off. Wait a minute, it's not Scooby at all. It's... Oh, it's a chimpanzee! No, no it's not. No, no, look, if you take the chimp mask off, no, it's the fairground owner. Well, I'm liking it. I'm liking the babushka

doll element of it. I said the babushka doll. Maybe there'd be other masks underneath. That's element. Yeah. Series of revelations. I said the babushka doll. Maybe there'd be other masks underneath. That's possible. Yeah. I think I saw the lead singer from Gnarls Barkley. Also dressed as Barney, the dinosaur. I've become slightly obsessed with Gnarls Barkley.

I don't know what it is. It's quite late in the day. I think the singer's got a new song out. I think the singer's got a new song out. I think the singer's got a new song out. The singer's got a new song out? Yes, the singer's got a new song out. I think Gnarls Barkley was the notes from Scooby-Doo's throat specialist.

It's Latin. Oh, God, laugh me by. And anyway, also, I went to see uh placebo oh how was that you a fan of um i can take him or leave him love what did they do what did they do what do you know what songs did they do they did the never the never ending why the never ending story lamar That's more like it. Never Ending Why is very... We played it on the show once. It shows how much attention you pay.

It's a sort of Buddhist thing. Right. And how was the gig, Frank? Well, I mean, the music was fabulous, but I was standing... It was at the Brixton Academy. Oh. And I'd been there,

well, probably not seven or eight minutes, when a missile shot past me. And it was a plastic... The Russians. It was a plastic, yeah. It was a scud. Turn out it was the never-ending Y-fronts. Not the never-ending Y. No.

I'm sniffing a lot now. I hate that. I hate to hear that on radio. Oh, it's your nightclubbing days. No, I think it's me laser work. I think it's the inner tendrils. Yeah, they're pierced. Do you remember the inner tendrils? What a band they were.

I saw them at their birth in 74. No, you didn't. So, um, what a gig that was. I was tied I had to foot. Frank, I want to know about the missiles. So, what a gig that was. I was tied I had to foot. Frank, I want to know about the missiles. Yeah, so. That's what Nikita Khrushchev once said.

I think that's the first Nikita Khrushchev quote of the afternoon. So, yes, so you know they only give you plastic glasses and bottles and stuff. Oh, yeah.

Normally you're quite safe. But what someone had done, they'd filled this plastic glass with ice. Oh. Oh. So, I mean, I actually got one of the ice cubes actually did fall upon me. Oh. And I was a bit splattered. But the whole thing thumped into the ground quite heavy.

Because I'm standing amidst a crowd. You know, you're a sitting um duck and then i thought well you know there's always one and then not long after a plastic bottle filled with something who knows that crunched into the floor and i'm starting to think well you know they could even be aiming at me yeah you know it could be some vicious anti-celebrity thing. Was it full or were you just standing on your own in the room? Yeah, this was an hour after I said film. I was looking for a contact lens. No, it was full, yeah.

But I think these things come in threes. The gig was great. So I think, isn't this like life, is what I said to someone I was great. And so I think, isn't this like life? Is what I said to someone I was with. I said, isn't this like life? That we stand here and we watch the bright lights, listen to the lovely music, knowing that any second there could be a horrible bang at the back of our head

and it's all over. We're on the floor. Sorry, I can't hear you, there's music playing. I said, isn't this like life? it was a bit like that yeah that was it was that with you i don't think so i like this someone what songs do they do i might have been there they did i tell you what um the scene the lead singer brian malcolm he's one of the great rock front men i would have said of the modern generation oh controversial i think so do you not agree? Yes, you are. But he's got dyed black straight hair.

He's quite a gothic. He's quite gothica. And he's gone for black and white in the 80s. Sort of an elderly goth. Halle Berry. I don't think he's that... He's about in the early 40s, I would say. No.

Yes. You see? Mm. My God, Miss Mr. Joe. Anyway, so he's gone for the straight jet black hair, a bit of mascara, and he's gone for like a black and white outfit. And honestly, I squinted my eyes. It could have been Gemma Arterton from the Centurions movie,

which gave an odd angle to the whole evening. But I don't know if... Is this just me? I hate it when comedians say that because it means they're going to say something that's just rubbish. But I'll try and break that mould. Wherever I stand at a gig, wherever, whatever part of the crowd,

I can be in the depths of the marsh, I can be on the fringes, wherever I am, it's always a bloody corridor. People always think, oh, that's a good place to go through, right next to that bloke. And constantly, people would like five pints of beer, you know, going past. Fat, sweaty... And of course at a gig, they just walk straight into you.

Have you ever occurred to it to people you're hanging out with? It could be that, because those are the fat, sweaty people, presumably, with beers coming to stand next to you. Don't go to hanging out with. It could be that, because those are the fat sweaty people presumably with the beers coming to stand next to you. Don't go to a gig with an archway. That's why I find people feel pressured to go somewhere. I'll take an archway. In some cases a photo opportunity. I have to say exactly the same thing happened to me at the

fall. Because we were standing in a thoroughfare. Lots of men rubbing up against you. We were standing in a thoroughfare at the fall. A thoroughfare at the fall? Yeah. A thoroughfare. Not easy to say, is it? I'm going to write that down next to my red leather, yellow leather note. There's some tongue twisters to keep me occupied on the way to the football games. Should my 6CD cartridge break down.

Do you think there's enough rides here? Yeah, it's a thoroughfare. See? I like that. It's a thoroughfare. That's the pan I came up with. Anyway, do you want to know what happened to me this week? Well, I haven't finished yet. Oh, God.

How long have you been talking about this? At the end, balloons were dropped from the ceiling. And the tumblers were dropping balloons at the gig. You can't hide them. They have to be in a big net. Everyone walks up and thinks, oh, balloons later. Look forward to that. And all these balloons came

down. And I thought, balloons have been harder to sort of, you know, gothic, rocky kind. And then when they reached us, they had death and fear written on them. And I couldn't help worrying that the people that make

those balloons, they probably knock up happy 70th birthday as well. And if there'd been a mix-up in the cardboard cases, I mean, that could have been a horrible, ruined night. See, can I be honest? I think that might be the moment at which placebo, and I know they're personal friends of yours, so I don't want to put you in an awkward position. Well, they're not personal. I just think, you know, I like them.

No, but you've got a connection with them, haven't you? A family connection. Well, I might have. Yeah. So I don't want to put you in an awkward position. However, I speak as I find, and I do feel that the balloons with death and fear printed on them,

I think that's the tipping point. I think as soon as you start printing the balloons, if they were scrawled in some way, but I think they've gone too commercial. They've crossed over now, Frank. So as a general rule of thumb, you'd see that as the beginning of the end. I would, I'm afraid. A promotional balloon is not good for a rock band.

It's a bad meeting. So what should we have printed on the balloons? Switzerland and Macbeth. No, that doesn't make any sense. Okay, something more gothy. Death and Fear. Death and Fear. Okay. Did you ever think I went to that Niles Barkley gig? OK, something more gothy? Death and Fear. Death and Fear. OK.

Did you ever think I went to that Niles Bartley gig? And at the end there was purple balloons dropped in the shape of Barney the dinosaur. What are they getting at with all that dinosaur stuff? The Niles. I don't know. So, sorry, anyway, I interrupted you. Anyway, I held a taxi this week.

So the story does involve a taxi driver. You held a taxi? I hailed a taxi. Oh, I was going to say, you've been hanging out with those world's strongest men again. The taxi lifting. Oh, don't remind me. I love those strong men.

And the things didn't start very well. The relationship with the taxi driver and myself got off to a bad start because he was a bit grumpy. And when I told him where I was going my destination he said well i hope you got change i can't bear it people ain't got change i can't i don't like it when they say that no i mean that started off on the wrong foot before you've even the pressure's on yeah so i scrabbled around in my coin purse i had enough got in the back sitting there suddenly a woman walks past attractive handsome i'd say late 30s to early 40s handsome woman i'd like to can i can i just stop

you there how do you distinguish that between an attractive woman and a handsome woman i felt the handsome to you was slightly um it was down it was down on the scale i think it's to do with the moustache. No, handsome was just that she was well turned out, if you know what I mean. So it might have been more to do with the clothing and the way she kind of collected herself, rather than her features. Okay, so not really a core beauty, more of a... Exactly.

Someone who made the best of a bad job. It's interesting you should say that, Frank Skinner. Because, as I sit there and she walks past, we're stuck in traffic, taxi driver goes, oh, I can't wolf whistle. Wolf whistle? Can you wolf whistle? That's what he did.

Is it wolf whistle is how you call your gardener? Wolf! I can't do it, which I think shows me in a very good light, but Gareth can. You can as well, dirty pervert. I haven't done it. I don't know if I've ever done it as a lady. Filthy pervert. Well, certainly not when I'm in the back of the cab.

No, no, no. How rude is that? What, out of 100? Yeah. 82. Thank you. So, Frank, so I did a very Emily Dean thing. I went, oh, God.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's all right. And then I sort of crossed my legs quite aggressively. I don't know why I did that. Why I ate it when you did that. That little cloud of dust. Shut up! And did he register your disapproval? Well, I think he could tell,

but I wondered whether he was doing it on purpose. I can't believe people still do that. I know! It was like something of a Benny Hill thing. So 70s. Also, how rude when I'm in the cab. If he's going to wolf whistle at anyone, it should be at me, the paying customer. Don't you think? What if a dog had run out of an adjoining house?

That could have been a road accident. It could have been a pilot. But for the duration of that journey, all the attention should have been on me as well. It's a bit of a claustrophobic environment. I like it when they look at the road. Now, I used to have a driving instructor. Yeah. And, I mean, he was actually teaching me to drive, and he was on the leave.

What, pervy? This was obviously, we're in the 70s now. Yeah. But he would honestly wind down the window and go, Whoa, all right, darling, what are you doing after? I mean, unbelievable. And I'm trying to, I'm nervously sitting there, you know. Oh, you can't do that.

So we go, oh, darling, nice legs. Second exit, the next. I mean. Were you actually in the film Confessions of a Driving Instructor? Robin Asquith. You know, I was at a theatre once, and Robin Asquith was on in, I think it was Arturo Uwe he was playing in. And I saw him in a corridor completely naked.

I thought, does he not ever wear clothes? That must have been a Royal Variety performance if you saw him naked. So anyway, so the taxi driver, so it was quite unpleasant. And as I got out, it was made worse because I had very high heels on. So to heap insult upon injury, he then said, I don't know how you women walk in them things. I don't know how you walk in them. Sounds like a charmer.

So I said something really nasty. What did you say? It was a bit Pete Burns what I said. Go on. I said, oh, well, we can all do with a couple of extra inches love can't we and all the levels of meaning yeah exactly i wonder i mean imagine now that that's probably still burning well he carried on trying to talk to me did he even though you'd left the well i thought i'm not going to battle to the death with you, man. You've taken my money, good day.

Did you tip him? Did I how? Fair enough. Yeah. Well, I went to see Michael Caine in conversation at the BFI recently. Oh. And they were asking him about whether he'd ever wanted to be in a Hitchcock movie. And he said, well, I was offered the part in Frenzy of the murderer.

He said, but it was a murderer who killed women with a necktie. He said, and I'd got a wife and two daughters. I didn't think it was right. And I thought, that's an interesting sort of anti-sexist stance, isn't it? So when he played people like Inget Carter, who killed people. Oh, he also played a transvestite serial killer in Dressed to Kill.

Did he? Oh, that's alright. One of my favourite films. My parents used to let me watch it. But what an odd way to decide on the part. It reminded me of when Alan Shearer was in a questionnaire with Alan Shearer when they said, who's your favourite Spice Girl? This is obviously going back on everyone.

He used to get asked that. And he said, I'd rather not answer that. I've got a lovely wife and family. And they calmed down. No-one's suggesting you set them up in a mistress flat. No. You're just saying, which is your favourite? Yeah, you know, everyone used to ask that then,

about who's your favourite Spice Girl. It's like, what's your favourite mini milk flavour? Chocolate. I used to say Mel C to be, you know, everyone used to ask that then, about who's your favourite Spice Girl. It's like, what's your favourite mini-milk flavour? Chocolate. I used to say Mel C to be, you know, to be different. Did you? No, that's not to be different. I can imagine she would have been. Well, of course, I thought it was... I got her mixed up.

I thought I was thinking Mel B. That was before I came up with my... Oh, yeah. Mel Black, Mel Caucasian thing. Still, that wouldn't happen again. Hold on a minute, I'm scratching. You've got a lumbago. A tear one annoyed me this week.

Prince Charles. Prince Charles? You know Prince Charles? Yeah, well, I always think Charles de Gaulle. I think, you know, I prefer that to Charles. He was talking about modern... He was obviously talking about the goons, which is basically what he talks about

to say he's in touch with popular culture. Yeah. And he said... I have the quote here. He talked about modern comedians, and he said that the trouble is it was witless humour. Can you have witless humour, by the way? Well, I do my best. I think I've got some in the inside of my eye.

Oh, no, that's vitreous humour. Or is it aqueous? No, it's both. He said, witless humour of cruelty and smut, is what he said. Was he talking about modern comedy in general? He's talking about me, let's face it. Modern comedy in general.

Witness, he's got a nerve, hasn't he? Talking about cruelty after what he did to our Queen of Hearts. Yes, I mean, all cruelty. And what about when you're out shooting the foxes? That's not cruelty. I know, I don't approve of that. They shoot foxes, I think they just chase them with dogs. Okay, whatever they do. They shoot partridges, I think they just chase them with dogs. Okay, whatever they do. They shoot

partridges, don't they? Yeah, pheasants. And let's face it, yeah. But what he did to that poor girl. And now he's talking about cruelty. And smart, you know, I wish I was a tampon, I've never said it. What a hypocrite. Also,

he likes Spike Milligan and the goons and I can't bear that sort of stuff. He's a fool. But it's just not funny. Have youigan and the goons and I can't bear that sort of stuff but it's just not funny have you ever heard the goons I like the goons it's funny funny voices things that I don't understand because it's from 50 years ago

it's because it's from his youth it's from his teens I've got nothing against the goons oh I have masses against it but what is it about Prince Charles that he's got it into his head that he, you know, he's got things to say about the world, important things. I mean, I just think, look, you know, you've got the money now, right? You've got your money, you've got your nice house.

You've got your valet. Shut up, right? Just enjoy it. Go, you know, sell your biscuits. Go and have a ride round. Break the hearts of a few innocent young, you know, girls who think that it's going to be like the princess thing from the fairy tales. But shut up.

Now he's talking about comedy. What's he going to be writing on chortle? Is that the next step? On chortle? Is that the next step? On Chortle? It's the awkward silence before he becomes king. Because the time when he thinks... I wish it was. He thinks it's supposed to be time when he's king,

and then it's just that moment where he's run out of things to say. He thinks he should be king now, so it's like... And of course, the thing about comedy is, I don't like that at the moment either. Exactly. It's terrible. He's flailing around like oh and he's done that thing as well that people always do when they're not very bright but they want to sound like they are he talks about saving the planet yeah well exactly i'm not saying we shouldn't save the

planet but it has become the sort of that last refuge of people who can't think of anything else to talk about yeah of course you've got to think about our children's children. Well, my children's child will be king probably, so not to worry about him, but the poor ones... Well, I think people feel it's an area they can own as well. I think he probably thinks it's his little thing. He does own it. He owns most of it. That's the Duke of Westminster

I think you'll find. Oh, I don't know. He's in Cornwall at Prince Charles's. He owns a large part of it, not the whole thing. No, OK. Not the comedy clubs, I don't know. He's in Cornwall at Prince Charles'. He owns a large part of it, not the whole thing. No, OK. Not the comedy clubs, I'm assuming. But I mean, Smarts and Whitless... Oh...

When I think of those flowers on the car, I can't look him in the eye. Frank! No, come on, he can't. He doesn't get off the hook. Three people in this marriage, just remember that. Yeah, but Ruby Wax made that up. She wrote that.

What? That was Ruby Wax's line that she gave to her. Oh, really? She wrote that moving, terrible moment. She said there were three, because Ruby Wax coached her for the interview. Princess Diana had writers. And Ruby Wax

said she told her to say that. Ruby Wax coached her for that interview. She did. Oh, no. I'm full of information. I have to say. I'm glad she didn't do the voice. Princess Diana did the voice. But it's not that great a line, is it? There's three people in this marriage.

Oh, I don't know. I've used it a few times. Yeah. Yeah. That was your thought. You should have gone out of their marriage. Oh, dear. Anyway, Frank.

We both said, oh, dear. Yeah, I wish I felt, like, out of sync, because I didn't say, oh, dear. Shall we try a synchronised one? One, two, three. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, you were too loud, Gav. Sorry.

Well, he was making up for missing out on the first one. You know what people are like. Yeah, but you shouldn't have made up for it all on the one time because it was too loud. It drowned us out. It's because I slumped forward at the same time. It was awful. Can we do it one more time properly?

Okay, I'll count with my hands so people at home think it's spontaneous. What else are you going to count with? Well, I could go one, two, three, for example. Okay, I'll count with my hands so people at home think it's spontaneous. What else are you going to count with? Well, I could go one, two, three, for example. Okay. Have you never seen a horse count?

A horse count? Are they around in the aristocracy? I think so. All right, let's do it properly. Gareth, you have to watch the hands for it to work. You've got a fist clenched. It looks like some weird

Polish solidarity. Someone now listen to this on the train thinking, will you get on oh dear so emily what have you been um well i know i know what you're waiting for stop it you two there's something that i have to tell you frank i have an offer for you oh yeah no that ship has sailed, honey. But I do have another offer.

So do us a voyage of a different sort. Which is to do with, I met a guy this week. Not like that. He's the boyfriend of a friend of mine. Absolutely. She's done very well. He's smoking hot. Is he? Yeah.

He has also got a great job. He is heading up Virgin Galactic space travel. You know, they're going to be doing this. And it's about 18 months' time. People will be going into space. But that's not really... Isn't that one of the things that you read? It's like on Tomorrow's World.

Frank. In 2004, they'll be flying... No. It's all happening. Believe it, honey. It's very... And we started talking. We talked about the radio show.

Turns out he's quite a fan of yours. He wants you to go on the flight. He wants you to go into space. He wants to launch Frank into space. He wants you to be one of the people to go into space. Where do they go in space? Well, there's a suborbital mission. Suborbital?

Yeah. So just inside the M25? Subortimal. I used to play subortimal. All I know... Yeah. So you're above the earth's atmosphere so you'll see the curvature of the earth how cool will that be

it's about 68 miles I think it is and on this space you'll experience weightlessness for about 6 minutes so you'll be floating around in the cabin no I do not, I think he didn't say this to me you float around in the cabin for 6 minutes you'll do that.

It's about two hours round trip. And... Oh no, and the ceiling covered in hot towels. And I've heard a rumour Russell Brand's apparently booked to go on it. It costs about £200,000, Frank. What about Katy Perry? Is she coming? Oh, I don't know.

I mean, you couldn't wear those skirts in a weightless atmosphere. I don't know about the plus one situation. No. But I've also read that Stephen Hawking, I don't know. I mean, you couldn't wear those skirts in a weightless atmosphere. I don't know about the plus one situation. No. But I've also read that Stephen Hawking, I don't know if he'll be on the same one as you. Well, I mean, he'll be stuck to the ceiling like a gnat. Oh, God. To a windscreen.

Is he coming as well? I don't know if they're all going on the same one as you. I don't know if I'd want to go with Stephen Hawking. He'll be on the track. Oh, the beauty of the universe. Yeah, but he's such a know-all about the universe. You wouldn't get a word in it. I want to be sitting next to him and him rattling on.

Turn that thing off. Quantum physics. Also, what if you don't get a window seat? What a rubbish voyage that would be. Or somebody thinks I'll sleep. I'll put the shutters down. There's only six people on each flight. You're joking. No.

Only six. It could be you, Hawking, Brand. Well, apparently Victoria Principal from Dallas was mentioned as well. Victoria Principal? From Dallas. Oh, there's all sorts going on those launches. Well, that's a bit of a that's a good combination. Giles Brandreth and the lead singer of Niles Barkley.

Well, I think I might be quite frightened. I went on Concorde. Oh, yeah. That's not space, Frank. No, no, but when they... It flies higher than your average, or it did do. It used to fly at a higher altitude.

There's no Mach 3, though, but I know what you mean. No, I didn't need to shave. But what I... The sky was a different color. It was slightly darker. You were a bit nearer to space. Do you know what I'm saying? That's interesting.

Yeah, the sky's totally black on this. Yeah, but is it that different from flying at night? Well, if you put the shutters down as you're planning to, no. When you fly at night, you look out the window. What can you see? Darkness and the occasional stars. Is that what it would be? I'm glad you weren't in charge of the moon landings.

Wouldn't it be better if we just wait till it's dark and look at the moon and pretend we're near it? Well, can I say you walked right into that one because actually I was in charge of the moon. I said to Buzz Aldrin, I said, look, not everyone can go first. What about Michael left in the mothership? Have you thought about him?

He just sniffed. Well, I would be frightened. I'm worried it might bring me veins back up once I've gone out of the Earth's atmosphere. Oh, your little face. It'll be like that little chimp going into space. I'd love it waving you off. Yeah, or Laker.

You know Laker, the Alsatian? Was he the Alsatian? He was the Alsatian, yeah. Apparently, it all came out when he was up there. It all came out. He was incontinent with fright. Oh, I hope that doesn't happen to you. Well, I know.

Think of the state of the sea. You and Hawking. Oh, no. But I imagine he'd be a fascinating man to meet, but not on a space mission, because he would go on and on. Oh, I mean, I'm not that interested in the stew.

It'd be nice to see the Great Wall of China. But then I could go to China a bit cheaper, and get a better shot of it, really. You can see it from space, but it's quite small. Yeah. Great, apparently. Great Wall of China. Great, apparently. Great all the time.

Great. I don't think something like that's great. So, um... Where do you sign? Yeah, well, I'd have to... Was he serious? Yeah, deadly serious. I'd have to wear a silver suit with a helmet.

No! Capricorn what? It's very different now, Frank. What do you mean, now? Like it's been going on for ages. Space travel. Because what happened is it seemed to go on in the 60s and then they just stopped.

Yeah, well, it was so expensive, that's why. Oh, so what? Throw some money at this problem. It's good that they've brought it in the middle of the double dip. Let's reintroduce space travel. Can I use my oyster? No. But you know what?

Well, it's about 200,000 pounds. 200,000 US, I apologise. How long's the trip? About 133,000 UK, that'll be. I hope they don't present you with a cheque. How embarrassed would I feel if I set you up with that and you had to pay? Oh, that'd be awful. Or you'd give me some evils.

There'd be a bit of an atmosphere. You'd certainly experience weightlessness. How long's the flight? Approximately two and a half hours. Oh, not too bad. And do you land where you went off from? I don't know. I'm not the pilot. I think you're coming in a parachute, are you?

No. What happens is, what do you call it, it's like with the moon landings when you disconnect, the shuttle, there's a shuttle that kind of, what do you call it when one launches from another one in space No, you two don't know anything No, I know what you mean They sort of disengage

That's it, Frank Disengagement That's what happens. That would be scary, wouldn't it? No, no. Male Caucasian. And male black. That's the only way.

Only way to remember them. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.