The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 7 Dec

Episode Date: December 7, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss all of the stuff they never had time to do on Saturday's show

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello and welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast with Frank Skinner, Emily and Gareth. Hello. Hi. Absolute Radio Everything else does that. Doesn't everything else change? Yeah. I've discovered something. I have got a white...

It isn't white. It feels like... If you can imagine, I dripped candle wax into my mouth. Right. Covering the whole of my tongue and inner mouth. Right. And then I let it go cold. So I've got cold wax on the inside of my mouth.

You've got a slight residue. Yeah. It's been there for three or four days. Now, I thought, because of the cold weather, I've been doing quite a lot of lip-silling. What's that? You know when you use lip-sill, you put it on your lips. Oh, lip-silling.

Oh, I've never heard it used as a verb in that way. Oh, there you go. I like to transform it now. You were an English teacher. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah, it's a new word, but I think it's all right. And anyway, I thought maybe I've over-lip-sealed.

Hmm. Past tense. Hmm. I've over-lip-sealed, and the waxiness which that puts on the lips has now got into the whole interior. Oh, I see. But I've put my finger on the problem what it is i i i get food obsessed and i i have the same food sometimes every day right yes you do i've noticed that about you yes my

current thing is tarama salata oh dear i thought you'd be a bit pongy yeah and i find that if you get through five or six cartons of tarama salata a week you get this strange waxiness i don't know what it is in the tarama salata but my whole mouth feels like it's been enameled it's the row the cod's row is that what it is yeah i reckon it is but why should that the waxy surface of the cod's row well fish have a sort of oily protective that's what it's like in My inner mouth's been laminated, if you can imagine that. Anyway, I can carry on with it. Why don't you mix it up, throw in some hummus? It doesn't have to all be tarama salata.

Hummus is not one of the more exciting dips, is it? You look at the party, it'll be the most neglected dip and there'll be a slightly darker... Not if I'm there. There's a slightly darker crust that starts to form where it hasn't been... Oh, I don't like it when there's a dark crust on the taramal. It goes a bit reddy.

I don't like that. Might never last that long in Arras. Oh. While I'm at it, like a wild thing. I just ate it with a spoon. Can you believe it? That wasn't a rhetorical question. That's amazing, no.

Okay, good. Anyway, did you read about the new Spider-man musical oh yes i did it's um no i'd be i'm i like all things comic book and superhero and i like musical so i figured it would be the thing for me but um apparently at one point there was two of the leading characters left suspended from wires no one could move. They were just dangling there for ages. And the whole production lasted, like, four and a half hours. I think the concept sounds awful, don't you? It's you two are doing the songs, aren't they?

Isn't it Bono and The Edge doing the songs? Oh, I thought you meant me and Emily. I was going to say, somebody should have told me. No-one told us. We're very behind. No, it's just gone out as a straight drama this week. No wonder I've got 25 missed calls. Where's the songs? What is it with you guys?

You knew we were opening this week, God damn it! Yeah, that was the producer. He's very irate. Anyways, it reminded me of two things. It reminded me of when... I'm sure I've said this before on the show, but I do love it. Do you remember when little Jimmy Cranky fell off a beanstalk in pantomime and got quite badly injured? And she, stroke he is all right now, may I point out.

And I phoned a friend about that. And I said, did you hear that little Jimmy Crankank had fallen off a beanstalk in pantomime? And she said, you know, I don't think you needed the in pantomime part of that sentence. And it is true. It's hard to imagine another context where a little Jimmy Crank had fallen off a beanstalk. But also, in that thing, when you go and see stuff and it goes a bit wrong. I love it when it goes a bit wrong... I love it when it goes wrong, Frank.

I know, it is great. I love it. I had a blood curdling one once. I went to see Anything Goes at the National. Oh, yeah? The 1920s sort of set musical, isn't it? It'll be on Absolute Twenties. The whole score will be on there as a special feature,

I think, over Christmas. But it was the opening preview, so it was all a bit, you know, still finding your way. And there was a fabulous revolving stage. So lots of celebrities there as well. Nancy Lamb. No, no, because it was a, it was, oh no, I wish.

It was preview, so it was before the opening night. Anyway, the whole thing is like a cruise liner is the set, but they've got a big revolving stage and one of the dancers got his foot caught in the revolving stage. Now, if you can imagine the sound of a homosexual man in his mid-twenties with his foot caught in an enormous revolving.

It was one of the highest and shrieked. How did it go? He shrieked? It was more shrill than anything I think of. I can't even do it. And did the other people just sort of try and drop into the harmonies on it? They finally had been that quick. There was some distress because I think some people thought he could have lost a foot. Well, he could have. Did other people just sort of try and drop into the harmonies on it? No, they finally, they'd been that quick. There was some distress,

because I think some people thought he could have lost a foot. Well, he could have. Yeah, at least. Well, eight inches anyway. Yeah. But he was, they stopped the show for a while, and Trevor Nunn... Oh, that was big of them. Trevor Nunn came out and said,

we're going to have an informal interval now while we... Oh, Frank, did he have like a denim shirt and little half-moon specs on? Yes, he had that look. I think he had a dog-eared script in his hand. Anyway, I think his specs were actually on a lanyard. Anyway, and he had trainers on, obviously. Of course, Natch. Very battered.

I think Don locked green flashes, actually. But, I mean, battered to hell. Oh, I love Trevor Nunn but apparently it ripped the guy's shoe in half I mean it was only a size 4

but even so they're not cheap and but he was fine famous Sven-Goran Eriksson he's about a 4 size 4 is that right

might be 5 yeah I don't know they walk on snow those people don't they just go straight in I'm one of them so what do you take size 3 blimey it hi i'm one of them so what do you

think size three blimey it's the one you can keep a shoe on i don't i don't need to bother with shoes it's like you don't have enough uh horizontal to keep the shoe on like an elephant i don't know if you ever tried to put a shoe on an elephant but no but i meant in a different way um you know an elephant's foot is it just is a continuation it doesn't stick out so you put the shoe on it just slides straight off you can tighten those laces as much as you like a little stilt i have yeah i once put um elasticated what they used to call chelsea boots for chelsea boots on an elephant just step straight out of them okay so i had a theatrical disaster once this happened to me I was at the Edinburgh Festival

with my family I must have been about 11 and you know when you go to the Edinburgh Festival it was a production of Tommy that we were going to see You know Tommy guys? Can you hear me? That's the one It wasn't a family production of Tommy

No, no, with the Acid Queen Well that role had a major influence on you didn't it and um it was in a kind of makeshift uh it was in a school so it was in the school gym not a proper theater obviously okay which meant you had to walk across the stage in order to leave so at the interval we go out my parents are drinking poor mass on california and carafe taking their time as they did yeah having a few cigarettes oh no he hadn't chatting to theatrical people i sense we walk back in and it's fine my dad says we can make it it's fine the lights come on it's still fine we're walking across the stage the music starts up a load of dancers run onto the stage as we're walking on

the stage they surrounded us oh it was awful it's the most i cried and did they dance i cried i got back to my seat my mom went it's all right darling no one will remember it's a lie and here we are talking about it in 2010 oh blimey that sounds that a big one. There was a chubby woman tap dancing around me. I'll never forget it. It was awful. Yes. Well, yeah, I used to love that. They won't always do it, but they're worth asking.

I find. Yeah, I, I don't know if you class this as a, I have to be very subtle about the way I tell this. I was in a thing called Cooking with Elvis. I remember. Yes. And my in a thing called Cooking with Elvis. I remember. Yes, and my dresser was a very fabulous fellow and we had many happy hours, but he was a prankster. Is that what you call them?

Yeah, and one night it was quite a dramatic scene. I had to walk on stage and the woman was on her knees crying, you know what I mean? And anyway, i walked on i was ready for my big drama thing and i looked into the wings and there he stood i won't name him but uh he he um how can i put this he uh he had um a sort of a piercing he had a Prince Albert. Oh. Yeah. And, indeed. And Dick Janey, as we used to... Laura had quite a nasty incident when she was doing Prince Albert at school

with her in the girls' school that she teaches in. Prince Albert at school? Yes, she was and... What, she ran an impromptu piercing class? I want to know what the man did, though. The person in history. Oh. So they Googled it.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, no. Anyway, he'd exposed the Prince Albert, and he had a coat hanger through it with my next costume chain. He did not. Hanging on it. And he just stood there waving and smiling.

He did not. He did on it. And he just stood there waving and smiling. He did not. He did. Or was it Phil Jupiter's? It wasn't, no. It was definitely my next costume. I don't think it would have took the weight. Anyway. So that was, I wouldn't say it was a disaster,

but it threw me. My biggest, the biggest theatrical disaster I've been involved with is slightly amateur, but at school. Oh, that's a surprise. At school, I was involved in the troupe of children who was doing the Maypole dance. Oh, yeah. Do you go to a pagan school?

No, a country school. It's supposed to be Church of England, but, you know... Oh, yeah, but they still worship the pagan gods. Yes, we did the Maypole dance and we were practising and I think someone jerked it slightly and the top of the maypole fell off onto the teacher's head and knocked her unconscious. You're joking.

No. Did you all dance around her with it embedded in her head? No, well, we ran away and we ran into the French block and ran straight into the classroom and the teacher said, how dare you run into my classroom? And we said, Mrs Chapman's dead! And she wasn't dead. I noticed, Gareth, that you chose to run into the French block.

I like that you did that. Why? Because you like a French theme. Oh, I see, yes. Of course. I mean, I'm assuming it was the nearest plot but it might not have been they might have passed a couple of well exactly and was she was she all right mrs chapman um she was okay yeah while i was at school i mean maybe there were symptoms later on i like the idea that it was embedded in her head perhaps in such a way that they couldn't take it out without risking serious

damage, so she had to keep it, and had to wear her hair in multifarious ribbons for the rest of her life. Wouldn't that be a lovely story? And every once a year, she let down those ribbons and her family and friends danced around her. That's the kind of... I suggest you maybe put that onto the

end of that anecdote, to give it a mystical beauty that it currently lacks. At the moment, it's about accidents and mistaken mortality. There you go, a little lesson on Frank Skinner's anecdote workshop. Frank, I'd like to talk about one of our little regular features that comes up sometimes. Not! Foreign object in food.

That's exactly what I want to talk about. Foreign object in food. It's been a couple of weeks. Well, exactly. And this week, there's been a mice found in noodles. A mice? Alive. A mouse? Two mice. It says mice found in noodles. Yeah, it was. Was it two? Two found in a box of noodles. Yeah, it was. Was it two?

Two found in a box of noodles. Yes, I read about this. They were nesting, I think. Oh. Well, it was a takeaway somewhere in Southend, I think. Well, Westcliff-on-Sea, which is actually the posh end. Oh, is it? I mean, there'll be some totting going on.

Yeah, and they found lots of, they found some dead mice, but then two living ones. And droppings on work surfaces. Of course. two living ones. And droppings on work surfaces. Of course. Yeah, there's always droppings on work surfaces. Yeah. Unfortunately, they were human, which I think that means immediate closure, I think.

Oh, it's pretty bad, isn't it? Most mice droppings, what they just do, they just take an uncooked sesame bun and go around it like when you're taking bits off a coat with sellotape no one's any the wiser but you know what at least they were alive it's a lovely way of looking at it yeah yeah but i don't know if they were it doesn't say much for their cooking procedures though does it noodles and still alive that's surely undercooked exactly they just microwave them obviously but what do you think the health inspectors did with the live mice?

Would they have been executed or released? Oh, no. No, they don't release. They take them to the RSPCA, don't they? What, they give them to the cats? Yeah. It's a tough... Once you're caught as a mouse, that's it, I think. I know. But it's a good for an object and food. It is. It's excellent. Have we had any contact from the outside world?

Well, we have. They do get in touch occasionally. In fact, I'd like to read something out, which is one of my faves, which is, do you remember Gareth was talking last week about Disney World? I think we know what happens. I haven't forgotten. No. I don't think, if I live to be 100, I think I'll always remember that story. Just as a very brief summary,

Garrett's parents went and left him and his two brothers at home when they were children, and they went on holiday. It's fair. Yes. Not on their own, but where did they go on holiday, Garrett? They went to Disney World. Yes. Two adults with three children under ten left at home.

So... It explains a lot, doesn't it? Yes. Two adults with three children under ten left at home. So. It explains a lot, doesn't it? I mean, I've got emotional issues. Well, yeah, but let's not bring them up now. Well, it's funny you should say that, because Angus Fitzsimmons has written in to say exactly the same thing happened to him. So you're not alone, Gareth.

Bizarre. In 1983, when I was eight and my brothers were ten and six, my parents also went to Disneyland on their own That's quite cheap isn't it? It is as brothers go I was paying 12 shillings at the time Unlike Gareth's parents they were extremely well off Oh

No but he did it That was how Gareth excused that they just couldn't afford to take 5 They could have gone somewhere a little nearer and taken everyone but no It had to be the mouse And had no excuse for this behaviour, other than their desire to win the worst parents in the world competition for the fourth year running.

I don't like the sound of the previous four years. What did they do there? I'm glad he hasn't told us about that. As a child, every week I would watch The Wonderful World of Disney on TV, which started with footage of Tinkerbell flying over Disneyland and think very dark thoughts indeed. Gareth, I feel your pain and i'm proud to call you brother angus in australia i love angus that's nice yes i honestly thought

that that wouldn't have happened to anyone else on the planet yeah it seems such an incredible story maybe maybe this has happened to hundreds of people out there this is the great joy of this program isn't it is that it's like my rating. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who did it. And then you log into a fabulous brotherhood of... Oh, pedestrian racing. That's really taken off. Oh, man, I just love that. Any other... Anyone else?

We have a text. We talked about fainting. There was an email about fainting. Oh, yes, I don't believe in fainting, you may recall. Two quick things. Firstly, regarding fainting, There was an email about fainting. Oh, yes, I don't believe in fainting, you may recall. Two quick things. Firstly, regarding fainting, many years ago, a good friend of mine had been trying to pluck up the courage to ask a girl out who he had fancied for ages. We saw her in a nightclub, and in the heady days when DJs played slow songs, he asked her for a dance.

I remember the killer slow song, Eddie Holm and Hey There Lonely Girl. If you didn't have a girl in your arms for that, you were nobody. We had Spandau Ballet go, oh no, True. Yeah, I don't think it was out when I was in school. No, there was I, come to think of it. Oh dear. I think we had East 17 Steam. Oh, that's romantic.

Getting more and more modern all the time. She said yes yes so he asked what a moment that is what a moment he was so excited that as they took to the floor he fainted oh no oh that's embarrassing no that's awful she never looked at him again there had been that moment when she just thought he was embracing her, but in fact he was holding on. Do you know, it's like my mum saying, no-one will remember, everyone's going to remember that. You see, but did he faint or did he think,

if I go another second without looking up her skirt, life will be unbearable? Maybe he was trying to get out of it, like our excuses we were saying the other day, like Kath saying, my liver's failed, that she was on a date. Yeah, he didn't want to dance with a beautiful girl. Sometimes dancing with a beautiful girl is just too much. He knew that if you get the things

you want in life then you know Yeah it would be down in all the way after he danced with Karen Richards You don't want to peak at school. If you peak at school. I did have a peak at school but unfortunately it was run over by a motorbike I still keep the head

I wear it as a sparring on Burns Night. Secondly, says Nathan Taylor, there is a man on my train in the mornings that looks more like Gareth than Gareth does. Is that possible? If that makes sense. Oh. I will try and get a photo.

I remember Max Bygrave saying to me that he lives in Bourne, must be a bit like yourself, and he went past a pub. He went past a pub and they were having a Max Bygraves look-alike competition. And he said, I came fourth. And I

said, that doesn't make any sense, does it? Because surely, you being Max Bygraves, you'd inevitably come first. I hadn't recognised it as a joke, you see. And I undermined a comedy genius. I still feel quite bad

about it. I'll be straight with you. Now Frank, I've discovered a new breed of people. A new breed of person I should say. Is it something to do with this bacteria that's been discovered in the cyanide lake? No. It's B&B people. So Abbey Clancy is one. It's people who's people who run a bed and breakfast

no people who are famous for their body and their boyfriend so they're called b&b oh body and body so a lot of wags like alex curran is a b&b isn't she yeah who else you've got to have a good body kelly brit was a b&b is often a B&B. What about Nicole... Oh, she's a B&B. But she's famous in her own right. She's a BBM. She's borderline. Boyfriend, body and music will have.

Hmm, that's not so bad because that brings in her own. I'm an F&F. What's that? I'm famous for my friends and my fashion. Oh. See? Like it? Yeah. What are you? Like it? Yeah.

What are you? I'm FNF as well. What are you famous for? I'm FNF. I'm funny and dyslexic. Oh, very good. No, I suppose I'm L&L. What's that?

I'm levitation obsessedobsessed and light bulb-shaped headed. I don't think anyone would argue with that. I think I might be B&B as well, but Bournemouth and Blanc. Bournemouth and Blanc? Shall we have a quick one? It sounds quite Bournemouth. I can imagine being on the front at Bournemouth. Do you know what, Frank?

I was very relieved when you said Bournemouth. I can imagine being on the front of Bournemouth. Do you know what, Frank? The prom. I was very relieved when you said Bournemouth and Blanc. I thought you were going to say body and boyfriend. I was a bit nervous. No, we're not ready for that yet. For what? Killing people and keeping them at home for comedy? I think you're right to fight that. You know what I've got here? What?

Foreign object in food. Also. Yeah. There's another one, isn't there? There's an Egyptian... An Egyptian cricket. An Egyptian cricket found in a bag of greens. It flew here from Egypt.

Have you seen the picture? It's about a foot across. It's a monster. Oh, my. I mean, it's a five-day test match of a cricket. It is. It's terrifying. Bigger than a thumb.

And with wings. Well, you've slightly reduced now the impact by saying it's bigger than a thumb. I'm saying it's bigger than one of those beach huts you get at Brighton. Oh, can you imagine that fluttering around in your mouth? It reminds me, but me and some other bad lads went into the biology lab. I like the bad lads. Yeah, we went in. Did you hang out with the bad lads?

Yeah, I did. I was artist in residence. Oh, with the bad lads. Yeah. All right, brains. We went, exactly. We went into, yeah, come on, light bulb. And we went into the biology lab, break time.

And they had locusts in a glass case. Oh, we had those. And we were messing about and one got out and suddenly the bad lads are going, woo! Absolutely. I mean, it was not too far away from the sound made by the Anything Goes dancer. Terrifying.

I hated those little jars. Oh, it was horrible. No, it wasn't a jar. It was in quite a big, it was like a terranium. Oh, right. You mean it was, oh, it was a proper one. Yeah, it was... Yeah, yeah. They used to... I think they used to... Was it the cockroaches that ate each other?

Oh, I don't know. One of them always. Gerbils? No, I don't think it was. Gerbils? Germans? Was it the Germans? Yeah, the Armin Meifers, the German cannibal. That's what I was thinking of.

Oh, he's one of my favourite criminals. I knew we'd get to it in the end. What was the queuing thing you were on about oh yeah well something happened i went to a sample sale you know sometimes in fashion you get to go to a sample sale where you get the urine of the top models no no you're in prison for three days i'd love that though cozy no what you get no because i wouldn't eat much no what you get to do is you get to go to a sample cell, so you get sort of stuff that hasn't been sold, off cuts, if you like,

and you get it very cheap indeed. So you can always look the part. Well, I went to one of these sample cells, and it was in the snow, and there was a long queue, and I got there, saw a girl I knew, said my hellos, but what did you do then, Frank? You have to go to the back, don't you? Like everyone else. Some girl, some girl came over, just joined a friend

five places in front of me. That's not allowed. You can't be a queue joiner. I sort of think. Oh, don't say it's OK. Although I'm quite strict on queues, I sort of think if you're joining a friend. Do you don't agree?

Really? Well, if you've got some reason, like whether there's tickets and your friends have got the tickets. No, well, in this case, it was every man for himself. So she was presumably doing that, oh, you've saved me a place. But I don't think there's any such thing as having a place saved

for you. I think if you're, but would you expect, say if me and you was queuing. in fact, correct me if I'm wrong, but when we queued for Elton John last week, there was me and Gareth and you came and joined us. You did exactly that which you condemned.

Am I right or am I wrong? God damn! And here comes Elton John, watch out! You've got to imagine a Stardewway Grand Piano with a sort of a railway engine thing on the bottom. He's just going past, waving, distributing presents to.

Yeah, but Frank, at least what I didn't do was do what some people did, which was try and go to the very front of the queue, assuming, oh, this must be VIP. Like the man from Hollyoaks did that, didn't he? The man from Hollyoaks walked past me to the front of the queue assuming oh this must be vip like the man from holly oaks did that man from holly oaks walked past me yeah front of the queue cheek there's people got any and then we wait and thought he's gonna have to do the walk of shame now back to the what do you think i'll tell you what i don't like when you go into somewhere like um a restaurant cafe starbucks

whatever and um some people will come in and then they'll put their stuff on a table, on the chairs, put their coats on the chairs, then they go and queue behind you. Yes, that's not allowed, is it? That's morally incorrect. Well, that's part of the queuing process, isn't it? It's for the table. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what you're queuing for.

Yeah, exactly. That should be stopped. But the people, the stupid baristas, they never do anything about it. There should be stopped. But the people, the stupid baristas, they never do anything about it. There should be someone who just walks around with a sack taking clothes and baggage off seats and putting them into it and leaving it all by the door.

Do you know, when I go to Starbucks, you're meant to go to that other section where you collect your drink from. At the end, I don't do that. Because I'd feel more VIP if they just hand it to me directly. Do they ever hand you? Yeah. They just sit there and go, come on. I just wait there. I just go, can I have it, please? I don't go that because I'd feel more VIP if they just hand it to me directly. Do they ever hand you? Yeah. Do they sit there and go, come on? I just wait there. I just go, can I have it, please?

Well, I... I don't go to the end. The mountain won't go to... Well, that's bizarre. What about... I tell you what I don't like, the hesitant cue. Oh, yeah. You know, the person...

It's lame, the breed. Well, you know, someone's in front of you and they're not paying attention to the cue and the cue's moving forward and there's a gap forming between them and the end of the queue. And they're looking round. I hate that. Because I always think someone might come and join thinking that's the end of the queue. They might join that and then you've got controversy. I don't like you get that at customs a lot.

And there's no racism involved in that. I just mean you genuinely get it at customs I'll tell you what I am, I'm a bit of a bag kicker in queues as well What do you mean? If I have a bag, I don't pick it up I just kick it along the floor I've got no bottom in most of my bags now

I don't like it when people do that What do you like? What do you like? No, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.