The Frank Skinner Show - Not the Weekend Podcast - 9 Mar

Episode Date: March 9, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth tell tales of Spanish restaurants and Turkish baths.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast.

This is Frank Skinner for Absolute Radio with Gareth and Emily. Hello. Hi, Frank. Oh, that's it, we're off. Oh, yeah. And we're here to entertain you. You may be in a desert in... Where do they have deserts?

Somalia, you might be in there. You might be in the armed forces. You might be... My first foreign legion. Oh, I like an armed forces, Frank. Find me a nice armed forces. Lovely. Oh, no, you don't.

They're away all the time. Perfect. Perfecto. I think you've lived alone long enough. We need to find you a home bird. We'll sit in and look after you and watch DVDs at night and stuff like that. Maybe you're right. Put you a hot water bottle in.

A retired colonel, that'd do the job. That'd be just the ticket. Not a retired colonel, because they're all called so banging and bald as beer stick. You know what I mean? It's too much. You don't want that on your driving licence. You don't want a driving licence that you can't fit in your glove compartment

because the name's too long. That's what I always say. I say always. I've said it... Actually, that was the first time I've ever said it. Probably the last. Frank, we've had some emails and texts in. That's good, because if we didn't have emails and texts,

what on earth would we find to converse about? Well, do you remember? It actually wasn't our last show. it was the show before. That's how retro these guys are going. It was a response to that show, where you were asking people to text in with their bad celebrity meetings, or just any celebrity encounters. Oh, that show. That show. It's a bit like that dress. It's that show with the safety pins in it that I went to that premiere with Hugh Grant.

Exactly. That show, I remember it. And you did challenge people to come up with a negative story about meeting you. I did, yes. But none came through on the show. No. What do you mean by that? Don't let your tone...

None came through on the show. Yeah, exactly. I gathered that. However, or did it? Or did it? Is this going to be from my ex-wife? No. Okay.

Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, after listening to last week's... I'm liking the billing, at least. Yeah. Might I be the first to rain on the Frank was so nice to me parade? Oh. And probe the inner black of his Dalek.

Yeah, I should explain. I was talking about the Charlie Sheen thing last week, and I said that I think that Charlie Sheen... Oh, Mr Sheen. Oh, Mr Sheen. He's not a terrible monster. He's just like every other Hollywood star. In fact, like probably most celebrities, that the inside black horrible thingy that you get inside a Dalek,

that's what is inside all of them. They all think they're superior and that we're just them in the Hollywood stars. He's the first one who said it. He's just calling it. Back in 2004... Winning! Back in 2004... Oh, yes, I can bear a grudge.

I spotted you in the junction in Highbury, following a very creditable and very unlikely draw for the Albion against Arsenal. I remember that game. I was with a bunch of mates and upon clapping eyes on you, I drunkenly hollered Wahey, Frankie!

You returned the compliment with a withering half-smile. Hold up, what compliment? Since when has, hey, Frankie, been a compliment? What am I supposed to say? Oh, thank you very much. Yes, I just bought it. It doesn't mean anything. Oh, you're too kind. A withering half-smile and scuttled briskly away.

Oh, like some Birmingham cockroach. Yeah, exactly. Had you been wearing a gabardine mac that day, I'm sure you would have turned up your collar at this point. I think I scuttled. Well, obviously, let me get this right. Are people listening to this, are they thinking, oh, they went up to him and went,

and he didn't sit with them and break bread. What kind of monster is he? I think most people would have thought, oh, no. I mean, I was sort of... Say he got a half smile. Well, oddly, Frank, I remembered this because I was in that pub on that day. I was in Georgia.

I should explain. There was a recitation that was in the American charts called A Deck of Cards by, I think it was Wink Martindale and what happens is a man sees a soldier in church with a deck of playing cards

and he's outraged that he has playing cards in church and then the guy explains that they all represent, like, when I see the ace, I think that there's one God. And when I see the three, I think of the, you know. Actually, he says, when I see the tray is what he actually says. When I see the tray, I think of the Trinity.

When was it called the tray? Anyway, Max Bygraves did a cover of it. You know Max Bygraves? Oh, yeah, one of my favorites. When I see the tray, I think of the Trinity. It was like that. Very good impression, may I say. At the end of the song, Wick Martindale says,

not Hank, Wick Martindale says, and I know I was that soldier. But because there's something wrong with Max Bygrave's nose or something, says i know i was that dolder so ruined that's where that came from max bygraves always ruined it i found really oh i love max

bygraves yeah you're quite a fan of his apparently max bygraves wanted to be buried in two places which is why he was called Bygraves. Oh, he's done a bad murder. He's done a bad murder. He's done a bad murder. He lives in Bournemouth. He's one of your lot. Is he?

And he's still alive. Momo. Oh, God, yeah, he's still alive. Is he one of the Momo crew? Yeah. Oh, yeah, we hang out. No, he isn't. In the exclusive night spots. Anyway, we've gone hang out. No, easy. You know, in the exclusive night spots.

Anyway, we've gone all by Gravian. I'm still in the junction. I'm still in the Noxian. No, it's my assumption. I'm still at the junction. He's called Stephen Nox, by the way, this guy. Okay. Which makes me think he's nice, because I think of John Nox, who had a dog, Frank.

Do you know what that dog was called? I think you do. What a whole ship. Yeah. I remember it well. Anyway, Noxy says, despite this, I still enjoy the show, which cheers up a wet February day

delivering cars to Ipswich. Cars to Ipswich? Yeah. Where are they, cars? Have they got very, very big tyres? Indeed, and go quite slowly. That's what they're driving ibswich as i understand it but frank i was in that pub that day i was in that pub yes because uh my um boyfriend at the

time i remember was there and i was with him and i do remember seeing him but you see frank the joys of being a civilian he my autobiography he doesn't know he i might have been horrible to him in fact i probably was he doesn't know that does he no you're quite right but anyway i'm i'm i mean i mean it wasn't that bad was it what i did whoa frankie i i smiled a bit and went away i think that's all right yeah we've had another we've had another spotting email um dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I met Paddy McGuinness a few years back and I was really looking forward to it. However, when I met him... So, really looking forward to it?

Yeah, really looking forward to it. He's a lovely bloke. No judgement. No judgement. I bet you haven't even met him. Oh, I've met him. Have you? Yeah, I have.

Oh, that... No, not like that i see that yeah right i know that look however when i met him he was completely uninterested in talking to me i believe it was because they were much prettier younger girls waiting behind me in the queue oh hold on what was the cube for? Full intercourse? I was about 25 at the time. Although I may not be at the Emily Dean kind of level. Well, no, if you're 25, you're 25 years away from that level for a start-up. People are going to think I actually am that old.

People do think that. People wouldn't think that. Emily's not zero. Yeah, exactly. That's very nice of her, Frank. Anyway, Karen. But she says, I'm certainly no elephant man lookalike. I quickly left after taking a photo. Well, if she'd have been an elephant man lookalike,

surely Paddy McGuinness would have said, all right, Peter, I didn't know you were coming. Oh. Oh, dear. Wow. It's a joke. You'd be all right with a joke. Difficult to work with.

Anyway, carry on. You are. I quickly left after having a photo taken with him. A way to storm out. Yeah, exactly. I've never been so insulted in my life. Can you just smile? Every time I see the photo, I'm reminded of what a poo face he was.

Oh, my God. I didn't have a chance to check the absolute language manual. Where do we stand on poo? Has she still got the photo? I'd like to see the photo. She says every time she sees the photo, she thinks of the poo face. It's on the wall, framed. Was there a light on in the photo?

Because you know what? You're not suggesting that he was thinking deep down in his mind. No laddie, no laddie. That's what I think he was thinking. Well, look, don't feel bad about it, Kelly, because I did a show last week, recorded a show with Charlie Brooker on the radio. Oh, yeah.

I think I've mentioned another. I mentioned Radio 4. The posh one, yeah. They're not an obvious rival of absolute. The posh ones. Oh, yeah. proper glom. He did. I think his fringe moved about four inches to the left as he frowned. Anyway. Oh, no, people are walking out. I'm so unhappy. Never mind, let's put a brave face on it.

Let's cheer ourselves up. Don't worry. Is it a Potter advert? Sounded like Johnny Rotten. Anyway. Very good Charlie Brooker impression. What I realised is that Jack Whitehall was supposed to be on the show and he hadn't turned up. So there were all young women that left.

They'd come to see. You know what? They turned up to see the smirking Harry. Yeah, exactly. And he wasn't there. And it was me and Charlie Brooker and they left. So I know how you feel, Kelly. I've been rejected because of a lack of um lusciousness

myself let's face it you're no stud muffin no i didn't say that vicky bligh did she did she said i was no but i think she said no stud muffin but very funny and you know i'll always settle yeah well that's good jack whitehall has got the bride of frankenstein here without the streak as well if you notice that exactly the same yeah he's a good-looking chap, isn't he? He is. Yeah. Kelly also said, though, that she had a lovely experience meeting you outside of the Albert Hall. Oh, Frank. She was nice. How could you outside the Albert Hall? Later, she...

Oh. No, no. Nothing like that. She met me outside the Albert Hall. She said... That's quite a Victorian groupie outside the Albert Hall. She asked for an autograph. She was stage door Johnny.

I was with my mum, and to my embarrassment, she said, she loves your show, she watches it every week, to which Frank replied, oh, so you're the one watching, I knew someone was. Oh, you wank. Always got the big one-liner up my sleeve. What were we doing at the Albert Hall,

dare I ask? Oh, it was the Mavericks Oh God, was it? I shouldn't have asked She's uncalled me completely The Mavericks, Frank I don't know what that is You don't know what the Mavericks are?

If I were to say to you I want to dance the night away With senoritas As they sway I hang around with drunken women Is the subtext of that Do you remember that song? away. Wow. With senoritas as they sway. I hang around with drunken women is the subtext of that. Do you remember that song? I do. Well, that was the Mavericks. I like some of their other songs as well.

I'm impressed they got a gig at the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah, it's hard to believe. How did they fill that venue? Well, did they? I think it was just me, Kelly and her mum. Sat in a corner drinking tea. Well, anyway, I think that should be the end of the How Nice Am I section. Well, did they? I think it was just me, Kelly and her mum. Sat in a corner drinking tea. Well, anyway, I think that should be the end of the how nice am I section. Well, exactly.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, I was in quite a posh restaurant. This is not another how nice I am, but I was in quite a posh restaurant the other day with a couple of... Are we talking Pizza Hut? No posher than that it was so posh that julia bradbury was on another table yeah i'm imagining she walked there she does the way and right uh way and right walk very you know nice so i went over and said hello to her and i sat down and i thought oh you know i never really dine out with celebs there aren't many

you know i don't really have many with celebs there aren't many you know i don't really have many celebrity friends is this something i've missed out on in my life david baddiel yeah i know but i'd like david baddiel's got about 40 celebrity friends you know i'm i'm a i think i'm currently 36 in the table but he's you know he just you know and it will i look back on my deathbed and think i should have made more he's you know he just you know and it and it will i look back on my deathbed and think i should have made more effort and you know to hang around with yeah you know favoritely off the top of my head anyway so um i'm thinking this and then i look across and there's um paloma faith oh yeah i like. Yeah, looking incredibly glamorous.

Obviously, I have a certain grudge against Paloma Faith. You may remember that I got in a cab and the bloke wouldn't let me eat in there because he said Paloma Faith had been in there the night before in a £2,000 coat. And what if she came back and I'd left grease on the chair? That was it. So she ruined my night retrospectively.

I'm blaming Paloma Faith for an episode of malnutrition. Yeah. Although my girlfriend always says that we, I'm giving a lot, we were in argent provocateur, me and my girlfriend. Oh, that was nice of you, Frank. Well, you're presuming it. I was actually buying myself a... Well, it was a

tarpaulin harness. Fairly heavily buckled. Gripping in the extreme. And she served us. Paloma Faith worked in there.

Did she? Yeah. And when she got famous, Kat said, I remember... Before she was famous. Kat said, I remember that woman.

She served us in Agent Brut. We've all become part of an organisation and sort of stir things up. No, I just want to check he knows what it is, Frank. Yeah, grandies. Yeah. So anyway, I'm thinking, you know, Paloma Faith, it doesn't get much more glamorous than that. And someone had said to me, did you get papped on the way in?

And I said, no. And they said, oh, I think they're for Paloma Faith. So there was cameras and it was very... So I couldn't see who she was with. Some bloke was sitting, talking to her. And as they got up to leave, who was it? Who was the guy? Who was the guy who was big enough to have a...

Was it Jon Snow? It wasn't Jon Snow. Any other guesses? Patrick Kielty. No. That's a weird guess. No, it was... Oh, so Jon Snow was a reasonable guess. No, it was Absolute Radio's Geoff Lloyd. It wasn't.

I mean, I couldn't believe he's not even a face for radio! But he's out with Paloma Faith! And he'd gone, I didn't get a chance to... I thought I'd go over and say hello to him and then I'd get introduced to... Well, no, they went... Don't get me wrong, it didn't look at all romantic, but even so, he was still dining with Paloma Faith. You know, I like to think that I'm the kind of, you know, I'm the head honcho on the celeb front on Absolute.

You know what I mean? No. When I'm coming in here saying I was out with the Archbishop of Canterbury the other night. I'm more a steward. I don't want Geoff Lye playing his Paloma Faith card. It's a sort of faith meeting. Yeah. Oh, kind of. Paloma Faith card. It's a sort of faith meeting. Yeah. And the OC with David Tennant

and this David Tennant and that. But I thought, you know. You didn't cut in though. The OC, he trumps all of us with that David Tennant card. That's the best one, isn't it? Yeah, but you can't keep playing it. Can't you? No. And also, once you've had him on the show,

it becomes a professional engagement. And what about people you just hang out with? Yeah, like me. I'm happy to hang out with you. I've got a good celeb call. Have you? Frank, I had a restaurant incident this week. Not as happy as yours, I have to say.

Mine wasn't that happy. I was bitter. Well, this is worse than bitter. Oh, dear. I got angry. Very angry. I went to a new tapas restaurant. I was with my boss.

Quite 70s to go out with your boss for dinner, isn't it? It is. Can I say, for those of you who don't know, that you might think that I am Emily's boss. How wrong you'd be. Emily's the deputy editor of InStyle magazine. Yeah. Exactly. So every deputy has an editor. Of course.

Even I have a boss. So we had a nice, you know, bit of a working meal. We thought, well, have a glass of wine, keep us going, as I'm sure you said back in the day. Did you talk Galeano? We might have. OK, carry on. That's classified. And as we went in, it was a new restaurant.

I hadn't tried it before. Galeano, you may not know, is one of these international languages. It's taken over from Esperanto. I often go to restaurants where people speak it. It sounds a bit like Italian, but not quite. You need to get those Burlitt's tapes.

Rosetta Stone, that's the one for me. Sounds like an old blues singer. Carry on. I won't name and shame it. I won't name and shame it. No, no, don't. Let's not take advantage of our position. But what worried me was that there's a little

strap line underneath the name of the restaurant. You know, I was going to mention your little strap line. It said a Spanish concept. Now that worried me. Did it really? Why would you say a Spanish concept? I thought it was odd. Anyway, we sit down.

A siesta. The man comes over, order two glasses of wine, nothing arrives. Can I do a Spanish accent? Is that allowed? Spanish is all right. They're not an oppressed race, are they? When you say that. Ten minutes later... After what they did to the Aztecs, they've got a nerve now, getting all ity-tity about it. Ten minutes later, no wine. Excuse me, can we have the wine?

Yes Okay Bit knocky Was it horse? They are quite slow You'd think they'd be faster But they had to back into the kitchen Another five minutes passes

No wine Excuse me, could I have my wine, please? By this time, I'm sounding a bit like you in 1987. Right, OK. Yes, OK, it's coming. Oh, what? Suddenly, he arrives. Two giant goblets.

What, just hang in there? Yeah. Filled with Coca-Cola. He does! I said, I don't want that. I want wine. So by this time I'm screaming, I want wine. It's not a good look.

No. So he goes off. OK, OK. Do you think that's what Mary was like at the wedding with Jesus? I don't want water! I want wine! Mum, Mum, you're making a scene. Mum, you're showing me off. Stop it.

So he goes off to get the wine. Yeah. In the meantime, he brings over some Spanish concept food that I've ordered. OK. It's a burger. A sort of strange tapas-y burger. I'm not sure what's going on.

But when I open it, there's a big black hair in it. I think it was because of the wine. I think he was angry. That's the Spanish take on a burger. They're making it their own. I said to him, excuse me, he looked at me and said, it's not mine.

I said, well, it's not mine. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, I got so angry, I still don't have my wine, Frank, at this point. I've got the hairy burger, I've got the goblets full of Coke. Yeah? I don't want two goblets and a hairy burger. Not when I'm out with the boss.

Well, I mean, you know, put you on the spot. So do you know what i did what happened to the hairy burger was it returned i sent it back i say you could have at least did you have tweezers i sent it back it was good because that meant i didn't have to eat which is good so i went over to the bar i got so cross i said excuse me where's the wine coming. Incredible. I bet it was quite expensive, this place as well. So do you know what? I saw him,

he was pouring it so slowly. I went behind the bar. I got the glasses. Did he pour for more? I went behind the bar, Frank. You went behind the bar? Yes, yeah. In my clip-cloppy heels.

Oh, I'd love to have seen that. Got the glasses, walked over to the table, poured that wine, plonked them on the table. I put one down so aggressively, the glass smashed. Wow. Got the glasses, walked over to the table, poured that wine, plonked them on the table. I put one down so aggressively the glass smashed. He came over and went, nobody's perfect, I guess.

He's a brave man. I know you were morphing into Pat Butcher, I'm guessing. So, yeah, complaint letters have been written is all I can say. Really? Yeah. Yeah, of course, Frank. No, that's rubbish.

Mm. Oh, well, I'm very sorry to hear that. Speaking of smashed glass, I've got an enormous mirror at home. I mean, it's about four foot high. Massive, big, gold, ornate frame. Yeah. I mean, it's a big, sort of antique piece of furniture. I get to a phone call yesterday.

It's my girlfriend, Kath. She said, oh, I've done something bad. I said, what have you done? She said, I broke the mirror. I said, not the great big massive one in the big gold frame. You can't. It's so big and sturdy. She said, no, I was moving it and I stumbled.

I said, oh. I said, well, look, you know, don't worry. I said, it was expensive, but we can get another mirror in it, in that, you know, gold frame. She said, no, no, I broke the frame as well. How do you break the frame? How many years bad luck is that? Oh, dear. So it's all broken now?

Yeah. And I went into the room where it was, and it was as if there'd been glitter scattered. There's little shards of glass throughout the carpet. So I actually look forward to going in there when I don't remember and walking out, leaving, like, blood on the boards as I walk up there. What about that? What about that for a domestic tale? You're right.

So, Gareth, enough about our lives what about your life well this week i had to i had a gig i thought i'd get in early i had i had a gig in harrogate harrogate it's quite posh harrogate surprisingly posh yeah people think york, you know, they think, you know, clogs and all that. But no way. No, it's nice. A spa town. So I, to make the most of the trap, because sometimes you go and do gig spaces and you don't see the place, you don't experience what it has to offer. So I booked myself into the Turkish baths. You've changed.

That's a bit creepy, Frank. Why? I just find, I'm not being rude, but I find it quite creepy that you did that. Why is that? creepy frank i don't i just find i'm i'm not being rude but i find it quite creepy that you did that why i don't know attraction it's not like a private yeah there are a lot of tourist attractions which aren't very salutary i'm not in harrogate there's no it's not like that you don't there are no sex tourists okay in harrogate no goodness me no people recommended it i um the gig tonight who recommended that people in harrogate no goodness me no people recommended it i um the gig to the night who recommended that people in harrogate had said you should always you'd go to the he just went up to people on the

street you got off the train and someone said excuse me sir you should go to um turkish bath i didn't get the train i got the car so that's why there's no train stories so anyway you went to the turkish but have been to a Turkish bath I have but that's another story you've been to one I have in Turkey did you sit in one of those boxes you know you see them in a box with their heads sticking out the top with like a towel around their neck

no I didn't sit in a box see I always dream of having that converted into a car so you could drive around in one of those boxes where it just trails the stream coming out from your neck gap. Brilliant. You know your neck gap? Yes. Did you do

that? No, I didn't do that. What did you do, Gareth? I didn't convert anything into a car. Well, I booked myself into the Tuesday morning set, which is a mix session. I told you, Frank. No, because there's male and female sessions, and I didn't like... It says that swimming costumes must be worn for the mixed sessions.

That's what happens in the male one. Yeah, well, exactly. I thought that's the one for me. I don't want... I'm uncomfortable with nudity. I don't know if it's nudity. I think they all squeeze into one costume. Not strictly speaking nudity. So you went for the one with the ladies? Yes, I went with the ladies. the ladies make it sound like that um there's different rooms so what it is is it's like there's a steam room that is steamy there's a there's a

plunge pool and then there's different there's three different rooms the hot rooms and they get gradually hotter as you go inside yes we know they not called, they're called tepidarium, caldarium and frigidarium. I didn't know that. I know that. I know a lot about them. Isn't that the name of the three wise men? It's true. You go and they're separated by curtains.

Separated by curtains. So the deeper you go, the hottest it is. A bit like visiting an elderly relative. It just gets hotter and hotter the deeper in you go. I think we'll rephrase that. Their houses! Can we... Visiting their houses!

Can we do that again, please? Geoff, can we... What, live, you say? Oh, no. Yes. Anyway, carry on. Back to the Turkish bath. If we can't keep it clean in a turkish bath things are getting

pretty bad so a man showed me around a northern man showed me around he goes that's a plunge pool you can see people smiling in there because it's nice and warm it's not really it's very cold and then he said those showers over there they're nice and hot not really those are really cold those ones those ones there they're really hot it. Not really, those are really cold, those ones. Those ones there, they're really hot. It was a bit of a joke, this one. So I'm quite confused. And then he saw her.

And then Anne Robinson came in and he said, oh, she's really hot. She's not really, she's intensely cold. And you're supposed to have a shower and then go into the steam room to start. So I went in the steam room to start with. And in the steam room, there. So I went in the steam room to start with. And in the steam room, there was only one place to sit. It was full up of people. Was it really?

And it said, be careful of the steam coming out to the left. But there was only one place to sit. And that was right next to the jet, the steam jet. Well, it was, and I sat on it. You sat on the jet? Don't sit on the jet. That wasn't just like, that was someone taking a jet. You never sit on the jet, Frank. Everyone like you never sit on the jet frank everyone is page one of turkish baths they were probably boiling a kettle but it just looked like a normal seat

it looked like all the other seats so i sat on there it was right on the brink of what sort of postman sitting in there steadily removing post lauders from envelopes for the aid of the steam jet. He brought a whole sack in with him. Did he? Oh, it's getting worse. Did you give him a postman pack? So, Alan, you're in there. It's a pleasant experience, isn't it? It's nice, except in that place, because the seat was incredibly hot.

I bet. And, like, it was right on the brink of unbearably hot so i could you were sitting on it and then i thought this is this is really hot i don't know if i can no i'm okay and then you think no it's it's really hot so i moved asked someone to move up a bit and the normal seats were fine i was sat in the hot seat i see and um then, basically, everyone who came in sat in that exact place and nobody told them. Well, nobody, because you say nobody, you mean you. Yeah, I didn't tell them.

And everyone did exactly the same thing of sitting there for a while and going... Yeah, the thing is to get your trunks really wet in the cold water thing, isn't it, and then go and sit on the hot seat. Exactly. Get prepared in the frigidary yeah but no one did so i went in the plunge pool in the steam room for and then i went in the plunge pool which was and he said the the one rule of of the spark is that one rule is in the plunge pool you have to smile and it sounds like quite a jolly rule, but he said it like I was quite under pressure to smile.

Were you being bullied? Well, that's why I didn't do the men's section, because I'm worried about being bullied, and I'm worried about nudity, and I'm being bullied because of nudity. But yeah, he was quite harsh about the smiling rule. But you do smile, because it was really cold. Yes.

And it's a weird thing that you kind of laugh and go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, because, like, you're appalled by how cold it is. The idea that anyone can be that cold, anything can be that cold in the whole world. Yeah, and that made you laugh. You smile because otherwise I think you'd have to get very angry and just scream well let's hope the listeners listening to this are in the midst of a snow blizzard i think that's our only hope um but it did feel great i went away feeling apart from one thing thing, I made a mistake. What?

I wore contact lenses. Where? Into the Turkish... Into the Turkish bars. And they steamed, did they? Shrivel? They shriveled. Did they really? They became uncomfortable and then I thought I'm going to have to go and take them out

and I had to peel them off my eyeballs. I think they'd slightly melted on. Yeah. I think I badly damaged my eyes. Oh, well. If you're going to make an omelette. Well, I don't know where we can go from there. I feel like I'm sweating just listening to it.

I think it was waiting for the punchline hey hey i'll tell you what before we go yeah i'll tell you what was in the uh in the papers this week foreign object in food we haven't done one of them for ages did you uh did you read about it yeah this was um there's a frog in my fridge. There's a frog in my fruit. Ardeen Taylor. There's a frog in my fruit. Ooh. It's the frog of your memory. Ooh. Trust me, it's a song.

Yes, a woman bought, what was it she bought? Strawberries. She went to buy some strawberries, yeah. Well, she didn't went to buy them. She bought some strawberries. She successfully purchased the she didn't went to buy them. She bought some strawberries. She successfully purchased the strawberries. And when she got them home,

she said she saw, her name's Donna, Donna Hunt, 32. She thought it was a mouldy strawberry at the bottom and she went to get it and it was all slimy and moving about. It said, I think, in the Daily Mail, it said that she found a frog hiding in the strawberries. And I thought, probably not hiding.

Seemed to be giving it a lot of credit, the frog. I'm wondering if the people are now sitting in a French radio station telling a story about a woman who found a strawberry hiding in a box of frogs she had in the fridge. Is that possible? Frank, I don't like the sound of her husband, though. He said he realised straight away that it wasn't native to Britain because it had big pads on its feet.

That sounded a little bit racist. Something I didn't like about that comment. He obviously hasn't seen Absolute Radio as Ronny Wood and his man-ogs. He's as English as they come. I can almost hear that padding. Like an old landlady in slippers making her way along the corridor in theatrical digs on a Saturday evening.

That's Ronnie Wood, Rolling Stone. Is he still a Rolling Stone? Are they still operational? That's a big question. That's this week's clothing. You're listening to frank skinner on absolute radio the softest minty show in town sponsored by

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