The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - 9 Nov

Episode Date: November 9, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about South African ambassadors, reasons to be cheerful and Ethan's bear hunt.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Not The Weekend Podcast with Frank Skinner and Emily and Gareth. Good morning. Hi.

For Absolute Radio. Good morning will do, that's fine. Don't worry about that. In fact, no. I was going to play our Wednesday morning jingle, but it doesn't seem to exist anymore. Can you just do it live? It's not as good as Saturday morning. Can you just do it live?

I made a mistake last time I did it. Why? I just did it. Wednesday morning! Yeah, it's good. I've been watching Barack Obama. He's on tour of India, I don't know if you know that. That makes him sound like Bon Jovi. He's only done about four gigs.

See how it goes. I think he'll go back. Must be new stuff? I think now he's doing tried and trusted stuff he hasn't done over there before. Can we? Can we, anyone? Can we? Yes, we can!

Yeah, he does that. But the audience didn't seem to be joining in properly. But apparently I was reading this that before he went, they worked out where he was going to go, his route, as he would say. Oh, yeah. I don't know if he went through the Caribbean. But anyway, he took a route. And they removed all the coconuts from the trees

because apparently it's quite a hazard in India. Oh, is it? Yeah. If they fall off. Yeah, people die and they get the cracked skulls, which is odd because we're just looking out the window here and there's lots of men in hard hats working and there's a Sikh working.

He doesn't have to wear a hard hat. No, he has a turban. And I wonder if a turban is as sturdy as a hard hat. Possibly. In which case, FYI, if I'm ever in a situation on a building site, I'd rather wear a turban because I think it looks nicer. You'd wear one with a jewel in the front. I would indeed.

Like those 1930s. Yeah, but what I'm thinking is, in India, is it such a big hazard? Because there's a lot of Sikhs in India. Is it alright for them, is my point? I mean, or is that a turban myth? Oh, very good. Anyway, I was thinking it's a good idea and I'm thinking about what are the hazards in the UK that could be avoided with some extra safety measures. I suppose the most obvious thing would be the bees' trousers.

The bees' trousers? Small trousers placed on a bee. Right. Not only can they not sting you, but it's for their own good. Oh, they'd be so cute as well, like little doll's house trousers. I think you'd have to match them with the black and yellow. You couldn't clash. Oh. Well, I think, do you know what I think everyone would have to match them with the black and yellow. You couldn't clash. Well, I think, do you know what I think everyone would miss?

What? The bee's knees. Well, they could be short trousers. They could have bits cut out, maybe. Oh, they could have a hot pant. A bee in a hot pant. No, I hadn't seen the pod coming at all. I just felt confident you were going to say the bee's genitals.

Which, I don't know if you know, is a pub in Whitfield Street. Yeah, it's a nice little, very small. Sounds horrible. You don't like the bee's genitals? Horrible. I like a bee in hot pants. I also thought if a car had got steps going up the bonnet. Well, let me visualise that.

Hang on. OK. It would work best for the Volkswagen Beetle. I think it's true. So if you're about to be run over by a car, you could just run up the steps. Isn't that just one of those trucks from the airport with the steps on?

Yeah. Have you ever heard of anyone being run over by one of them? No, exactly. You just go. I think a speeding Volkswagen Beetle with the new step design could come straight out. You could just go straight over the top. That'd be weird.

Step down the other side and it'd be gone and no harm would have been done. So there are steps down the other side as well, like a pyramid. Oh, I think you want, just in case it's going so fast that you can't steady yourself on the bonnet, you have to just come down off the other end. Do you know what I think would be good? Because I do tend to slip around in that bathroom. I'm like a goldfish in there.

And I think... Do you pant? I beg your pardon? Do you pant? What do you mean? I saw a goldfish doing it. Oh, did they? In dry land, they do.

In Birmingham, maybe. Yeah. I find... Goldfish in pants, bees in trousers, whatever next. It's like some terrible new PG tips campaign. We can't use the chimpanzees. Go smaller! Yeah.

But, yeah, so I tend to find, obviously, one needs a tile, but they're very slidey. They are. you can't have carpet, it's smelly astroturf astroturf in the bedroom then you feel like you're outside bit summer breeze, bit on plan air bathing then it will be soaked up by the grass what do you think?

nasty friction burns speak for yourself don't do the sliding what do you sliding in the... What do you do on the floor? What age do you get to when you stop doing that thing on any slippery surface, when you run and slide? I haven't done that for such a long time.

Look, if you've got socks on on a polished floor, you just used to run and see how far you could slide. I was always so bad at it. Gareth's gone very silent because he still does it. No, I wasn't good at that. Like, basically, I don't think I ever had the knees for it. No. I always, I thought, oh, that looks really cool.

And also kids who could slide on their shoes and things like that. I would always try and very badly injure myself. The good-looking brother was great at it, I heard. Very good. Oh, I bet he was good. You know when footballers run and they drop onto their knees? I love that. And slide along on their knees.

I love it when they do that. Yeah. That was fine. We played mainly on concrete. It looks very cool when they do that. I had another, you know, you know when you're on a window, they have that thing like a chain or some sort of, that stops you opening a window too far.

Well, George's windows, maybe. Yes. Why do you say that? Because he was in prison. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, you can open the window, but then there's a thing that stops you from opening it more than about six inches. Oh, yes, I know, I know. Like a student accommodation, they have that.

Yeah, that's to stop people jumping out, I suppose, is it, when they're on the ecstasies? Anyway, I was thinking you could have a dental operation where you could put that in the back teeth of a dog's mouth. So instead of

the muzzle, there'd just be a limitation to how wide he could open his mouth. You could get maybe a sausage in him or a boneo. So that would stop them being naughty and bitey, Mr Bitey. You know the demon dogs that surround. They just have that thing so they can open their mouth so far and no further. Yeah, just measure the width of a child that you would need

and just slightly smaller than that. Well, they don't. They attack all the generations. Yeah, but the child's are the smallest. The child? Yeah, they are the smallest. Well, I don't know, I think there's a lot, they've got a lot of, there's been a lot of dwarf attacks

from the pit bulls. Yeah. The main problem I have in my kitchen is banging my head. Sorry, why are we suddenly in your kitchen? It's a safety. I thought he was just telling me some weird story about his kitchen. Sorry. You know, banging your head when a cupboard door's open

and you walk into the cupboard door. Yes. And that is very painful. I thought that was just an excuse for domestic violence. I didn't think people really did that. I really do that. So what do you suggest? So my suggestion is that if a cupboard door is open,

there is a beeping sound. A slow beeping sound. Well, that won't be irritating. Just shut the cupboard door. And then there's a slow beeping sound for it if it's open. And then the closer your head gets to it, the more frequent the beeping becomes. Like when you're reversing a card that's got beeping at the back. Yeah.

Like that. What about when I'm cleaning it? Or deciding between ragu or tomato ketchup sauce? Then what happens? It's a point. It's a fair point. My fridge does that. You know, if you open it, I've got a new fridge.

If it's open for more than a bat, it starts going... And I always go, fridge! Because it's always Kath in there looking for things. Fridge! Like she hasn't heard it. My mum and dad have got one of those beefy fridges and my mum will leave the room and it will just be there.

I suppose Garrett set them up in a place. It's like, you know, Michael Owen bought a street for his relatives to live in. Did you know that? Did he? Yeah.

Did he knock the houses through? God, all the horses must have come in that day. Yeah. Oh, he likes the GGs, doesn't he? Or Gary Glitter. I don't think so. I think he sees him as some sort of vile fiend. I think that's what he said to me.

Whose deal is it, he said? I said, I don't know. I've already lost £900,000. Anyway, so that was that. How has your week been? It was good. Not a bad week. Well, I had a week of temptation this week.

Did you? I was the most... Is that a board game? Is there a pop-o-matic dice shaking? No, but it's a song by Heaven 17. Anyway, as you were... Is that it? That one? Anyway.

I think I was more tempted to steal something this week than I ever have been before. Oh. I'll tell you the situation. Oh, I'm liking it. This is an element of best man speech about it. We recently signed up for...

Are you going to start off... Billy Wilder said of my next guest. I don't like the beginning to the best man speech we recently signed up for. Normally they say thank you for coming. I really want to know. If the next prize is Graham's catalogue, I shall jump in the air and click my heels.

We recently signed up for satellite television. Oh. Well. A finger on the pulse. Got tired of cable. No, we didn't have cable. We were on preview. We were on preview before.

Wait, did you have three channels then? Three. We had preview, so you have more. He had closed down. We've just got the same amount of channels, but you can just record some of them now. I'm not going to mention the name of the satellite. Well, there's only

one satellite. It's a Telstar. Don't worry. I don't think they'll be viewing you as one of their key advertising figures. Why ever not? Anyway, so you've now got satellite television. My mum and dad are fridge. Have we got a sound effect of a popping champagne? Frank, he is the last person in the

UK. I reckon you are. I'm not joking. No, I wonder if he talks about the parents beeping fridge with such a like people talk about an article on tomorrow's world. And when you sign up for

this service, they said to me, do you know anyone who already has this service? They said you'll need a telly. Will the fridge not work? Not that old fridge. Do you know anyone who already has this service? Yes, the rest of the country.

As you're turning on a metal horn with a dog listening into it so do you know anyone who's already got this service because if you say not recommend a friend you get a free pen is it one of those like yeah It's going to get worse. If you recommend a friend, you both get £50 worth of vouchers. For where? Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so aggressive. For a particular retail outlet. Right.

Yes, I'm judging by this, it's Woolworths. It's not Woolworths. Okay. It's Marks and Spencers, if we're naming them. Okay, I think we can say Marks and Spencers. And my family have only ever dreamed of It's Marks and Spencers, if we're naming it. OK, I think we can say Marks and Spencers. And my family have only ever dreamed of shopping at Marks and Spencers. Well, of course, you've now got to find a friend who hasn't got satellite television. Yeah.

Well, no, but the thing is... You haven't adopted an African child. No, no, no. That could be your best bet. No, if you say someone who already has it, if you say they recommended you, you get get 50 pounds and they do as well so you see what and i thought of emily because i think emily has this service but emily would laugh in my face i think you have satellite tv yes i think i might have i think yeah oh something 15 year ago signed up for that particular service um so what we did is I remembered that our next door neighbours

have just moved in. By the way, I do like M&S. I won't have a word said against it. I get all my food there. I know you wouldn't, Gareth. The food is very posh. Exactly.

As you are. I like the rectangular pasties. Let me trim through it. You know that? No. A samosa. Oh no, that's triangular.

Rectang rectangular, yeah. That's like element of... They might have been run over. Do you know what I mean? They got this, like, tread across. He doesn't go to the food hall, Frank. He went in there once for a pullover. I thought he was on his way to buy a black-and-white TV licence.

It might have stopped off for a sandwich. So I remembered that my next-door neighbours had said they had just signed up for satellite TV. Oh. They'd just moved in. What's wrong with these people? You live in some Amish community. They just moved in.

And so they're in a new house. They had to sign up for it. Do you live in an area called 1997? They're Amish. They drive around in horse and carriage. Oh, OK. Well, there's no Amish. No.

And so we said... What I don't like about the Amish is what have they got against moustaches? Well, exactly. It's all beard, beard, beard with them. Yeah. Once you've got the beard, you know, you think, well, I might as well let the moustache... Yeah. Somebody grows a beard and thinks, oh, no, I don't like anything above the mouth.

Why beard have all the fun? They looked at Hitler and they thought it was all down to the moustache, not the policies. That was their problem. Oh, you're their spokesman now. Yeah. What did they look Hitler on? Sky TV. Even they've got it.

Even they've got it now. So meanwhile, over at the next door neighbours. Yes. So we said, oh, they've just signed up and gave them the address next door to us because we don't even know their names. We don't know them. Did you get their permission though? No.

Oh, God. They didn't need their permission. So, in a slightly interesting situation where they don't know they're going to get this thing, so we thought when we get ours, we'll tell them and then we'll tell them about it maybe. Although that seems a bit like we did something nice to you and now we're telling you about it. This sounds a bit like

my subscription to the adult channel. I never found out who. Anyway. I'm you about it. This sounds a bit like my subscription to the adult channel. I never found out who. Anyway. I'm sorry about that. So, the other day our vouchers came through the door. But, also, the next door neighbour's vouchers came through our door. Two identical envelopes. And they didn't even know they were coming.

They didn't even know they were coming. They didn't even know they were coming. Oh, that is a temptation. So we're talking about 100 nicker here. Yeah, 100 squids. This is a pony. Imagine that. Is that a pony or is it a... No, a pony.

How much is a pony? No, that is a pony, isn't it? No, I think a pony might be 50 quid. I know from my days as a mom. What's a chimpanzee? It's not a chimpanzee, it's a monkey. Oh, yeah. Chimpanzee.

A chimpanzee is £18.50. A mosquito is £125. Is it? Meanwhile, the £50 is nestling on your... So what would you do? What would you do? Argos doormat. Well, that was...

I mean, what would you do? So as far as I can see, the only law that I would need to break is opening someone else's mail because it's got someone else's name on Oh it's got their name on it has it? Yeah it's got their name on But It's never stopped me. But it's a voucher that you'd

never, you hadn't gone round and said by the way I mean how odd for you to sort of donate this voucher to someone you've never even what if they're terrible people. They could, well, what damage could they do in Marks and Spencers? Well, you know, 50 quid.

That's a lot of pasties. What if they got obese children? Dangerously obese children. That could have been the straw that broke the, well, not so much a camel as a hippopotamus is better. Not to mention the chimpanzee. Anyway, what did you do?

We posted it through the letterbox. We talked about whether we should. We just posted it. At some point. But it was the most tempted I've ever been, I think. You've had quite a blameless life in that case.

Well, you couldn't have been caught. Murder. No, the temptation't have been caught. Murder. No, the temptation to be able to do it, though, never in a million years. Unless, I suppose, maybe they'd written to them again at some point and said, I hope you enjoyed your boat. It's on light. It reminds me of about 20 years ago.

It's dead of night. And I woke up drunk in the Blue Peter Garden. I thought, who'll know? I smashed the crap out of the place. Then there was that time in Dallas. I was in this book depository. So I saw this car

and I thought, who's going to see me? Yeah. Well, it's a very respect to you, though, that you thought that. And the thing is it's a little bit it is a little bit creepy as well so maybe we would be doing them a favor by not telling them that's what goes through your mind well he is he is he is a thing for the perfect crime and this was a mate of mine was in the army back in the 70s and he was um they used to take it in turns to do the

kind of berlin wall and all that in berlin uh the the i think the russians the americans and the english and anyway um and david hasselhoff yeah and he was uh it was before before that gig that great gig um he was on patrol at spando when rudolph hess hitler's um right hand man was still in spando prison now when the russians were in charge of spando they didn't let rudolph hesse he had to stay in his cell but the americans and the english they were they were friendly and they used to let him have a walk in the garden him have newspapers and all that kind of thing. So my mate is on the sentry posting with his rifle and he sees

Rudolf Hess come out for his morning walk and he gets his rifle and he lines it off and he actually has Rudolf Hess in the, what are they called? Those, the two cross... In the crosshairs. I thought it was crossheads. Crosshairs. So he's got him in the... What are they called, those? The two cross... In the crosshairs. The cross...

Is that what they're called? I thought it was crossheads. No. Crosshairs. Crosshairs. So he's got him in the crosshairs. Oh, it makes me quite fancy you know that. Do you know the crosshairs?

It's a pub. It's just two down... Two streets down from the Bees' Genital. So he says he had this thought come over him. If I press the trigger now, I'll be in every history book written about the 20th century because i'll be the man who shot rudolph hess and he said i remember thinking i could probably as well if you said you know the nazis atrocities and all that i was

overcome with emotion you could probably get away with quite a light sense so for one second there he felt the wave come over him when he really thought he was going to do it. Obviously, he bottled it because... But what an opportunity. Would you have pressed that trigger? Oh, I don't want to say. I know what my mum... If my mum had done that, she'd have gone...

Which is every time she saw anyone she knew from a distance. She used to do that. So anyway, enough about Rudolph Hess. I've been... I don't think that's ever been said on any Absolute Radio-themed podcast before. Possibly any radio broadcast on... yeah. Certainly don't say that on the History Channel. They can never have enough about Rudolph Hess on there.

I suppose maybe if Albert Speer was one of the Who's Calling Christian things, they might have gone on to the topic of Rudolph Hess, and Christian said, that's enough about Rudolph Hess. Let's talk more about martial arts. Do you wish to know about the ambassador's reception, which I attended this week? Well, I have only one question. I know what that question will be. Yeah, go on then. I know what that question will be yeah god i know what

that question is um the answer what was the confectionery was it not no there were no nut based snacks in first place however i was very excited to go a friend of mine invited me because it was for wallpaper magazine posh design magazine and they'd done a South Africa kind of issue. So it was a South African embassy. Now what I didn't know, Ferrero Rocher fact fans, is that when it's a Commonwealth country it's not an ambassador. It's a high commissioner. Or as I

like to call it, the HC. Good to know. Yeah, the HC I call him. So he was ever so nice. But it was still at the embassy. And what country was it south africa k-pop did we mention that yeah yeah i said that the hc of south africa um he was very nice frank i liked him he was very nice we talked guess what i managed to in it was slightly inadvertent but i did crowbar in uh spoiling us reference oh did you i got it in well but well he wasn, spoiling us reference. Oh, did you? I got it in. Well, he wasn't spoiling us,

so ran out of white wine halfway through. Wow. But I did say there were these frescoes, there were these really nice artworks. I remember when you weren't allowed to eat the fruit. Now people go to the High Commissioner's party. Frank, it's all right now. I know, yeah, they've changed.

So I looked at these and I said, and I honestly didn't do this on purpose, but I smiled when I realised at these and I said, and I honestly didn't do this on purpose, but I smiled when I realised afterwards, because I said, you live with these amazing artworks every day. You are really spoiled. And then I went, oh, brilliant, I said it. But he did something very clever.

Being a diplomat... Did he? Go on. Well, being a diplomat, he was obviously very skilled in the art of extracting himself from a conversation he didn't want to be in, namely with me. So what he did... Was he mock-famed? No. Well, what I did, I was... Do you guess?

I was hogging him a bit, I won't lie. Because I do that, because he was the most high-profile person in the room, so I gravitated towards him. Oh, did you have him in a Heimlich? A little bit. I was talking to him about fashion, I thought he was enjoying it. Do they wear any kind of uh regalia high commission is there a chain or badge of honor there's no chain involved at all

i thought they might have some sort of you know you know you see them they have a kind of a big ribbon around their neck with a thing on it when you see ambassadors in films it's not like the sort of balamori version of government. Is it not? No, he didn't. He wasn't. He had a very nice suit. But no, I was talking to him about shopping

and, you know, I thought he was enjoying it. Anyway, what he did, he broke off and he said, he seemed to be laughing at my jokes, and then he said, tell me, do you have a business card? I said, oh, yes, I do. And I got it out and i produced it and he said that's wonderful i can contact you anytime excuse me that's a good that's a good way and then i do you know i never saw the hc again but how long has it been about 24 hours oh

yeah there's time for him to call. He's a busy man. Dr Zola? He's absolutely rushed off his feet. Dr Zola's very busy. Does he have a zebra print jeep? I mean, if I was going to be a South African eye coverist, I'd absolutely insist on that. Oh, Frank, I'd love it if he parked it in Trafalgar Square.

Well, they can park where they like, of course. Why do you think I was talking to him? Hello? Yeah. They can park anywhere. Diplomatic immunity. They're not going to get the High Commissioner of South Africa to drive you around places, just being able to park anywhere.

Well, I like it when I went. It would have been brilliant had there been the Ferrera Rocher. Because, you know, sometimes you go somewhere and exactly what should be there it's it's just right I went to a wedding in Wales completely out the blue went to a wedding in Cardiff and Alan Jones was there and I thought well that's just right isn't he he should be there because we're in Wales I don't really want to go anywhere in Wales where I don't bump into Alan Jones or it does it's just right

I feel that when I go to Birmingham and I see you and I'm only there because of you but it feels right to see you there I like things that are very appropriate, remember last week I was talking about reasons to be cheerful and sometimes a reason to be cheerful

is when someone says something or does something which is absolutely quintessentially them. So, for example, I was reading the Daily Mail this week. I'm not proud of that, but I was reading the Daily Mail and this was an actual quote from the Daily Mail. Is ploughing the new polo? Can you get any more middle class that is ploughing the new polo. Can you get any more middle class that is ploughing the new polo?

That's our phone-in this week, ladies and gentlemen. Reasons to be cheerful. I enjoyed it. I had a lovely moment on the tube this week, where I looked into my bag to look for something to read i thought i

must have a book in my bag something all sorts of what can i ask before you get deep into this story what you always carry like a leather it's like a satchel yes it's here what what do you um what is it because it's bulky i often think is you It's bulbous. I absolutely assume that there'll be a book in there as a minimum requirement. Yes, I mean, some people have made fun of me for carrying about such a big... It's really heavy. Well, some people have made fun of you for almost everything. I mean, why drag that off the endless list? I think the list is on microfiche.

But it's happened more than once with the bag. It's a nice bag. There's a copy of Heat magazine in there, Frank. I've got a copy of Heat magazine. Getting up to date with celebrity gossip for the show. It's a bit 90s, isn't it? Heat magazine is still going.

It's now called Tepid magazine. Heat magazine I've got. I've got yesterday's Guardian. I've got yesterday's Guardian. That's always good. I've got a toilet roll. Oldie, why have you got a toilet roll? I had a runny nose last week. Why do you have a toilet roll? What about tissues?

I've got an A to Z map. If I was on the tube and a man got a toilet roll, I'd send a copy of Heat magazine. I'd be out of there. I've got Jimmy Carr's book, The Naked Jape so you've got loads of reading material well this

it's all reading material apart from the title well I've got some notepads I've got my diary and I've got two notepads I've got my show notepad and I've got just a comedy note shall I read you a joke at random let's read us a joke at random no but can I just say Frank

he's got a list here a piece of paper with a load of things written on it can I tell you what number one on that list is go on number one

Gareth what sort of a list is that that's in case anyone asks him his name that's the first line of my set okay I do a joke about

being called Gareth go on then um oh no that was too pinterest people know they think they've got problems with their iPod it wasn't just pinterest it was almost getting into the arena of Beckett I would say that well I read a review of White and Forgotta

once where it said that silence seeps into this production like water seeping into a sinking ship. That's what this was like. Right now. He's untroubled. Yeah, sorry. I'm just scanning for things that are appropriate to say.

It's nonsense. Tell us about your story on the tube, then. On this occasion, you hadn't got any radio material. No. Well, I did, you hadn't got any reading material? No. Well, I did actually, but it was not appropriate because... Oh, dear. Oh, God. Had you got your toilet roll?

No, it was Ethan had put one of his books in my bag. That's not a euphemism for something, is it? No. I should say, Ethan, in case you don't know, is Garrett's child. He's the son. Who is it, how old? He's the child. He's 16 months.

Don't get him mixed up with a good-looking brother. So the reading material I had was we're going on a bear hunt. Oh. The hard page. Weren't they giving out free at the High Commissioner's? We're going on a bear hunt. Famous child book story. That's horrible.

That's a children's book. Yeah, it's a children's book. We're going on a fox hunt. Famous child book story. That's horrible. That's a children's book. We're going on a fox hunt. No. We're going on a bear hunt. It's a children's book. Why do they go on a bear hunt? What, with spears? No, they haven't got any weapons or anything.

Does it come with a free rod? That's horrible. We're going to hunt down endangered species and murder them. It's a father and sort of four or five kids, and they go on a bear hunt. They don't have guns or anything. And then they go through different terrains. That's what the story's about.

We don't have guns or anything. Ambassador, you're spoiling us, if I may say. Yeah. Well, it's more about the journey than the... Well, because I'll tell you something, you ain't coming back. If you go bear hunting with no weapons. Oh, not there's one. Oh, what do we do now, Dad?

Die? Obviously. Maybe they should... Is there one going on a vole hunt? No, they run away from the bear. Safer. Yeah. They run away from the bear. Yeah, I think they would run away from the bear.

What kind of a hunt is that? Okay. I don't know. That's like suggesting that John Dillinger was on a police hunt. Why would your child read that anyway? Well, it's a poem. It's wholly inappropriate. It's a poem.

We're going on a bear hunt. We're going on a bear hunt. Just because you say we're going on a murder, that doesn't make it that. We're going on a bear hunt. Just because you say we're going on a murder spree doesn't make it okay. That's what the bear was singing as they approached. Where is it set? It's sort of set in the countryside. They go walking through some mud

and then they go through some long grass and the grass goes swishy swishy swishy. It's the noises of the things that they do. Then they go through a wood i'm looking forward to the final sound effect the tearing of sinew from bone how do they do that one swishy swashy swishy swashy it's the bear going through the grass fully fully sighted and you read that on the tube

well I did read it for a little bit just for comic effect do they run away from the bear? they run away from the bear because I think because it's a childhood book and you don't think they're actually going to find a bear and then they go into a cave a deep dark cave and then they find a bear and then they go into a cave a deep dark cave and then they find

a bear and then they have to run back through all the things they came through and then into the house and under the covers Well I feel a Freudian analysis of this story Oh yeah because bears are terrified of covers that will protect you from them Shut the door

But did you read it on the tube? A little bit yeah Not allowed That would have been good if did you read it on the tube? A little bit, yeah. Not out loud. Did that make you... No, exactly. That would have been good if you'd read it out loud. If there's a boat going swishy-swashy, swishy-swashy on his own on the queue.

Might be Joe Swash. On the tube. Yeah, it could be. It could be Joe Swash talking to himself. It could be somebody on his way to a surprise party for Joe Swash just rehearsing the song, the welcoming song. There you go, that could have been your excuse. Somebody says,

give him my regards. You know what you're getting. Oh, okay. Well, if I saw that, I think I'd have kind of assumed you were rehearsing a bedtime story. Rehearsing a bedtime story? Yeah. I think you're a sick creep.

You're just giving me the benefit of the doubt, that is. No, I read a couple of bedtime stories to David Baddiel's daughter and I really tried to give it some performance, you know. She wasn't impressed, I recall. Well, she liked the first one. Second one. Isn't that always the way, love? That was when...

While you were doing well. Yeah. I said after I said I didn't think the stuff, it wasn't as good, this book. I didn't blame me. And what did she say? I blamed the author. Oh, no, I didn't say it to her.

Oh, OK. I said it to the parents. I didn't say it to her. I had to pretend it had gone well, you know. Besides, I didn't want to wake her. No. Oh, OK. parents. I didn't say it to her, I had to pretend it had gone well. Besides, I didn't want to wake her. No. Okay. Well, that's...

It's a tense thing, reading on the tube, because one is judged by what one reads on the tube. I don't think you can... I don't think you can fight that. I certainly got a few raised eyebrows from my Gutenberg Bible.