The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - Frank Skinner in Edinburgh 1

Episode Date: August 17, 2011

Frank and the team talk Banana guards, celebrity wine, and Emily asks Frank and Alun for some dating advice. The team have an update on Peter The Wild and Alun Cochrane does an excellent impression of a fellow comedian.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. Hello, and welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner, I'm with Emily Dean and the fabulous Alan Cochran. I'm loving it. The cockerel.

I'm strangled at the end, I think, the cockerel. Anyway, so we're still in Edinburgh. On Reekie. How dare you again. Yeah, they're pretty cool. They used to have problems with the sewage system in Edinburgh. Oh, is that right? I'm just waiting for the producer to stop

shuffling paper. I mean, what is supposed to be a sound effect? Are we supposed to be in there? It's very end of news, the way she was doing that. Is it the Scrooge office? In the sense that we're opening ledgers on Christmas Eve. I mean, for goodness sake.

Bob Cratchit. I will in a minute. I went to a shop just before I left London. Oh, lovely. What shop was it? It was called Around Wine. Oh, God. Now, I try not to be

around wine because obviously it's a temptation. This is what worries me. But it didn't sell wine. Oh, good. Which I was impressed by, as it had wine in the title of the shop. Your manager's here. It's OK, John. What it was was accoutrement.

Mmm. Oh. It was all the sort of accessories that one might need with wine. And I spoke to the bloke in there. There were a couple of fascinating characters in there. Boy, did they know about wine. Yeah, I'll bet.

As an alcoholic, I've never understood the whole theory of wine as a hobby. You know, I never Thunderbird as a hobby was something that no one ever discussed on waste ground in the West Midlands. And anyway, I went in there

and their big thing is the decanter. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, they had some decanters. Crystal. That you wouldn't believe. I told you not to call me that when I'm off stage. They had one called... It was like a cobra.

It was coiled at the bottom about three times, and then it rose up, and then the head sort of opened out so you could pour out of it. He said, it's called Eve, he said. You see the snake? And I said, it'd be more apt, I said, for cider. He just looked straight through me. I could have been made of steam

he loves only wine he wouldn't even consider the drinks he wouldn't entertain a joke about an apple based alcohol I could have tried a peri but I'd given up by then I know nothing about wine but we chatted about it

I asked what a decanter was for and he said well a lot of people he said say the people don't decant anymore i said i can assure you i've never said that he said um he said because they don't they don't get the bits in the modern wines because that's what the pain you said you can't used to leave the bottom half inch in the bottle and there was silt in there. And he was saying, oh, the bits, the bits, my manager said to me, he said, the bits, he said they come with age. Well, he should know.

I hadn't noticed, but of course, once you brought it up, I couldn't look at anything else. But it was a whole, I was fascinated by the place and he was telling me that he was on about... He said, you're not thinking of opening your own vineyard or putting your name to a vineyard, he said. And apparently this is the new celebrity thing I wasn't aware of. It's the celebrity wine.

Oh, Cliff Richard, yeah. Cliff Richard. Is he one of them? He loves a tipple. He mentioned Cliff Richard as an example. Oh, did he? The hint of sneer. It could have been a facial tick. He mentioned Cliff Richard as an example. What did he? The hint of snee-ache. It could have been a facial.

Tick, I didn't ring you up. Mick Hocknell has just... Now, Mick Hocknell has only gone into wine for the pond, hasn't he? He's only gone in so he can call it Simply Red. Oh, yeah? I would bet a thousand... You know where the pond comes before? You might remember Winton Wonderland, the TV broker.

The only way Dale Winton ever got a chat show was someone thought, Winton Wonderland, that's good, isn't it? Walking in a Winton Wonderland. That's it. That got him that show. If you can think of a good pond, anyone listening at home now, I don't care if you're a postman, if you can think of a good pond for a TV show with your name in it, I bet you it gets commissioned.

Nevertheless... So Hacknell's opened a vineyard. That can only end in tears. No, because it looks... After he drinks it, you think, oh, it must have been a bit vinegary. Well, his entire face has collapsed. Exactly.

His face collapsed some years ago. His face, funnily enough, is simply red. He is. I think him and sir alex ferguson have both lost small personal items in a blast service that glass furnace and they have to have a look in i'll just just check this what it's a bit warmer in there that was my mchocknell impression i'm working on it you know but it's interesting there's an entire shop just devoted to the, as you say, the accoutrement of a hobby, essentially. Well, I was thinking of, because someone was telling me

that for the purposes of the Olympics, Hackney Wick in London is going to be known as East Wick. What? For various reasons. And apparently the local residents don't like it me and my two friends will get ourselves down there the local residents are complaining they'll get their legs pulled

especially the ladies of a certain age about the witches of Eastwick and I thought I'd offer mine to open a watch shop there oh thanks I mean watches of Eastwick you couldn't resist it that's very good

that's a definite business opportunity Because it's such, I mean, watches of Eastwick, you couldn't resist it, could you? That's very good. I like that. That's a definite business opportunity. And then again, on the subject of accoutrement, I mean, I'm on a roll now. My manager was telling me that people who collect watches often get a kind of a false arm that they keep at home, which vibrates every now and again. And you put all your watches on it. And you know your watches, they don't have the winder uppers anymore. They need a bit of movement.

So if you don't wear one for a couple of weeks, this false arm will keep it. Is that right? Yeah, it's like a little rocking cradle thing next to your bed as well, isn't it, apparently? Next to your bed? Apparently. Oh, I don't like the sound of that next to your bed. Oh, you don't have to put it next to your bed. Put it in the kitchen or the garage if you want.

I don't want it next to them. But what about when I'm reaching out for me rye beaner in the darkness? You know when you wake up with a thirst on, you think, where's that goblet? Oh my God, I've knocked a golden hunter off its swing. Well, they still know what time you were thirsty, won't they? Well, I know, but sometimes the door springs open on them and you get a small tune played. Lara's theme, I think, was the last one I had. And, you know, the theme

from Dr. Zhivago. It's a bit slow. So, he said to me, this guy in the shop, he said, the thing is with people, he said, they like a hobby that gives them an excuse to collect stuff. Yeah. He says people love to collect.

And I was saying, as a ukulele player, I don't know anyone who plays ukulele who owns one ukulele. Right. Once you've got one, it's a bit like Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop. Yeah. got one. It's a bit like Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop. Yeah. And is that

because the ukulele's small enough to not be a pain to carry at home when you buy a new one? And they're reasonably sort of priced. You can buy one and not feel like you've been really naughty, I guess. Yeah, but you're right. Stuff needs... It's good if it's portable.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to get into collecting, say, steel bridges from the 19th century. This is the big allure of golf, isn't it? This is why, I mean, there's no other allure of golf for me, but they're never stuck for a present, golf fans. No, true. You know, if you know a golf fan, they're always happy with, like, the Leslie Nielsen funny video about golf or or things like a golf ball

that the top comes off it and you can put your cufflinks in yeah or an egg cup in the shape of a golf ball i mean we could go through every bit of golf paraphernalia yeah some some i think are real some who can tell what what we're making up that's what worries me about having a hobby i've never really had a hobby I had smoking briefly in the 90s. Well, you said smoking comes with a whole array of a cultural... Oh, yeah. Nice downhill lighter. Yeah, different types of lighter. I mean, well, let's not go into pipes.

I think I've discussed this before. My father-in-law's a cigar man. He's very easy to buy for Christmas. Well, he's got the small guillotine, of course. Yep. Oh, absolutely. And a little pouch, something, for the whatever it is. That sounds a bit Pete Doherty, what's got the small guillotine, of course. Yep. Oh, absolutely. And a little pouch, something, for the whatever it is. That sounds a bit Pete Doherty. What's that? I don't pay him a lot of attention.

What I'd like is a doll's house of the Palace of Versailles with all the attendant characters and then bring in the cigar guillotine for the reign of terror. And the last one to go would be a cigar in which one celebrates the rise of the Republic. What a lovely afternoon that would be, a French history theme. Well, it's probably going to be a rainy festival,

so you could probably manage that. Do you have any hobbies that are taxed off? My wife once looked me in the eye. I love it when you say my wife you really sound like an old northern comedy my lovely wife my heart she uh she looked me in the eye and said alan i cannot imagine you ever having any hobbies which she may as well have said you are utterly disinterested in most things i'm quite lazy but she was right she's a woman of several hobbies she's got loads going on you know like what oh she's uh woman of several hobbies. She's got loads going on. Like what?

Oh, she's... Prang sounds slightly suspicious. Well, she's got her banana collection. She's got a banana guard, yeah. She's... Will that banana box she's got, would it take a plantain? No. Oh, no, no.

It's banana size. I think according to EU standard size. Oh, OK. I don't think... I mean, maybe's banana size. I think according to EU standard size. Oh, OK. I don't think... I mean, maybe the banana... Maybe the plantain guard is the next thing. That could work on Dragon's Den if you do it. One could argue, of course, that...

You see, I find with the whole idea of a box designed for a banana, some bananas are almost straight, apart from a very last mini. They have the light swing, the Pakistani fast bowler. But some of them have a big curve, you know. They're much more, how can I put it, Tim Bresnan. It's early swing, you know, but it's significant. I recently got a 3D television set. I may have said this to you.

How recently was this, Frank? Well, I kicked the winder in on Corrie's ten days ago. No, I didn't. And I wouldn't get one of those. I went to the Test match in Birmingham. When they were doing the Mexican Wave, about 20 of them was holding up plasma screen TVs. when they were doing the Mexican Wave about 20 of them was holding up plasma screen

TV I thought I was fanned by their contraband I don't know if you've ever been fanned by contraband it's the ultimate experience and I thought maybe

I got my 3D telly and then I remembered I'd kept a viewfinder from my childhood. Now, you may know, it might be before your time. A viewfinder was this, like, it was a sort of a beige set of goggles. Oh, yeah. And you used to put these circular things in. Very Thunderbirds, the architecture of it.

And it had a fabulous action. You'd pull the lever down, and it would switch switch around and it was fabulous 3D. It was brilliant. The Popeye discs were second to none. I mean, the 3D effect. I used to reach out for that spinach. I had Dactari. Remember that?

Oh, sorry to hear that. Antibiotics on it. Germaline was fine. Okay, there's an aftertaste. I said get over it. No, Daktari used to be set on a game reserve. Do you not remember? Oh, yes, I know that, Frank.

Zebra print. Yes. And Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion, which in 3D is terrifying. Oh, I'll bet. Anyway, so I've sort of got a little array of... Jonathan Ross gave me a viewer, which was a primitive thing, and he had sort of pin-up girls in 3D on it. Oh.

And I also... I've got a packet of malted milk biscuits. I don't know if you're familiar with that. I'm just listing the contents of your cupboard now. No, I've always thought that, you know the malted milk biscuits one with the cows on? Yes. I've always thought that they began 3D.

That was my first real 3D experience was those. The cows are in a, I suppose you'd call it a biscuit-based freeze. Whether they're freezing, I don't know. But it does, it has a 3D effect. If you get a light on it in the same way, you feel like you can step behind that cattle. And so is that why you've kept it?

I've kept it, yeah. Presumably you've spotted it's passed its cell by dirt. It's probably collectible now. I'll just keep it rather than eat it. I'm not planning it to eat. It's for collectible now. I'll just keep it. I'm not planning it to eat. It's for a visual effect. It's a strange thing to have kept biscuits for all this time.

When do you think they went off? What year are we talking? Are they from? The biscuits? They're not that long. I'd say they're late 90s. Late 90s? Still a while. They haven't furred up. Ambassador, you're spoiling us. You could brush those gone, they haven't furred up. Ambassador, you're spoiling us. You could brush those cattle out, they're furred over.

Cake popstick. I have to groom them on a regular basis. Now, I'm always on the market for something which might put me in the stuff. So you can get the paraphernalia. A hobby with paraphernalia. You see, one of my hobbies was always Tudor monarchy. So what's great is there's so much paraphernalia with that. Henry VIII key rings, actual dolls.

Actual dolls? As opposed to simulated dolls? No, I mean historical dolls. Yes. Of the Tudor kings and queens of Great Britain. Cookbooks? I don't know about those. Old cookbooks.

Did you ever go for any, have you ever acquired any authentic memorabilia from the period? No, I haven't, actually. Because, you know, it exists, you know. Oh, does it? I saw some parchment signed by Queen Elizabeth I.

Not Henry VIII, I know, but, you know, same family. And it's quite exciting to see who showed you that was that your neighbor no it was in a it was in it was available no it's your neighbor yeah my neighbor is Thomas Cranmer keeps himself to himself where's a lot of velvet oh I said that collects the lint doesn't it Frank your neighbor is the Archbishop of Canterbury that is true he might have that's who I was referring to he's your next door neighbor he might have... That's who I was referring to. He's your next-door neighbour.

He might have some Tudor memorabilia. Anyway, have we heard from the outside world? Well, we have, Frank. This is from Darren Topping. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockcrawl. I like the sound of Darren Topping. So do I. I like that he uses the Cockcrawl.

He's one of the... He uses the Cockcrawl. I won't stand for it. I never even knew. Yeah? Oh, God. Just wanting to draw your attention to an article I spied on the BBC News website. Oh, we'll have to plug the BBC, sorry about that.

That's all right. About erstwhile friend of the show, Peter the Wild. Ah, Peter the Wild. Friend of the show. For those of you who are new listeners to the show, Peter the Wild, who was the king who he belonged to? I can't remember. He was one of the Georges, yeah. Yeah, I think it was George I.

George I. George I. He was a sort of a house pet. He was a feral boy. Yeah. Quite wild. Hence his title. Idiot savant, but not savant, really.

Well, we don't know whether he was an Indian savant. He's clouded in mystery, Peter the Wild. Let's put it this way, he's a bit of a character. We have some new information on him. The author of the article postulates that Peter may have acted in the way that he did because of a congenital condition rather than general feralness. Inherited, that means, doesn't it? Yes.

What did interest me more though was that the portrait of Peter the Wild on the webpage draws attention to the same epicanthic folds on his eyes as Alan's Blimey Yes Far be it for me to allege that Alan may somehow be descended from Peter the Wild

but this coincidence made me mildly excited in the last few minutes of my working day. So what do we think? Are you going to suggest the leather collar or shall I? I think Liesl did that the other week. There's too many chains on that one. You couldn't sneak anywhere.

It was... Well, I'd love to think you're related to Peter the Wild. Have you ever looked into your family tree? I was going to say, have you ever done any look-alike work? Yeah. Well, I frequently earn £25 on an afternoon pretending I'm Peter the Wild. Really? The Greater Manchester area.

He's better than balloon modelling, isn't he? Yeah. For the kids, get Peter, get a feral child on a leather lead. Of course, Peter the Wild existed back in the days when feral children were singular. Now, the streets are awash with them. Exactly. Yeah, he wouldn't have stood out at all.

Not at all. Not at all. Gone. No, I don't know if I am related to Peter the Wild, but perhaps this very podcast will leapfrog my career and I might end up on Who Do You Think You Are? That would be brilliant, wouldn't it? We can find out.

You find you're related to Kim the Wild? Marty the Wild? I mean, there's a whole load of them. There are a lot of wilds out there, aren't there? It's a very odd idea that he's... I'd love to find out you're related to him. That would absolutely make my day. I think the first time we met,

you said that I might be related to Bruce Lee or Monkey from... Oh, God, I'm so sorry. What was the programme? I can only apologise in retrospect. It sounds as if my mouth simply ran away with me. Monkey someone? Yeah, it away with me. Monkey something? Yeah, it's called Monkey.

Monkey and Pixie, yeah. Is it Monkey from Animal Magic or something like that? No, Monkey was a martial arts programme. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Badly dubbed. David Carradine. I didn't say you looked like a monkey from Animal Magic. That would have been a reel.

Did I say, you know, Alan, you look like a cotton-eared marmoset? Anyone ever told you that? Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. and you look like a cotton-eared marmoset. Anyone ever told you that? So, Frank and Alan Cockrell, I've got a bit of a dilemma. OK. I've got myself into a little bit of a judge pickle. It's a bit of a tricky situation, and I need your help.

OK. A bit pickles the terrier who found the Jewels Remake trophy? It is a little of a tricky situation and I need your help. Okay. A bit pickles the terrier who found the Jewels Remake trophy? It is a little bit. Okay. So here's the deal. I met a new GBF recently. Alan, do you know what that is? Frank will definitely. GBF? I almost am one.

That's the clue. Yes. GBF? Go on. Hit me with it. Tell us. It's a gay best friend. Very good, Frank. And you're an Ely one. Well, you know, I'm not gay, but I'm camp. Right.

Yeah. I'm a bit like, you know that guy who does the diving advert? Who's that diver who does the... Tom Daly? Yeah. Camp. Right. He's quite young.

He's a young boy, really. Yeah, we don't... It's like that moment in a pool game when neither collar has been potted the decision is still there I'll tell you what, when you said at the start of this that you're a bit camp and now you've picked a teenage boy as an example

you proved your point so I met this GBF and when I say I met he's not unconnected with the fashion industry well he would be so And when I say I met, we both sort of, he's not unconnected with the fashion industry. No, well. Well, he would be. So we see each other, we're both on the same guest lists, put it that way.

We haven't actually met up yet. So I see him at these various soirees and we bond. We have a giggle, we destroy people's reputations. It's great. Everything you'd want. Good, clean fun. Exactly. So recently, he sort of upped the ante with the friendship and his gay best friend status saying oh should we meet up let's go let's go for dinner

i thought great that'll be great we can talk about shoes and men fabulous i've just found out he's not gay oh how did you find that out someone told me because i was talking about my gay best friend and she said i'm going to make a phone call. And she said, he's not gay. I found out. He's got a string of exes. Now, I feel like a lamb to the slaughter. What is this about? No, but are you suggesting that he pretended to be gay

to lure you in? Oh, very much so. Oh, really? Oh, no. Did he adopt a misleading walk? He just, he never referred to exes. Or I he knew that i i think he thought i assumed he was gay and he went along with it i thought he was trying to get him by the back door he was duplicitous i'll leave it yes and um no i will not go there

no but i mean yes he was you honestly think he was... You honestly think he was... You honestly think he was... You've got to keep going. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Hopefully no-one will notice. I'm sorry. So, it's the little things in life, isn't it? Oh, it's getting worse.

OK. Oh, no. Let's start again. So, um... I think he was being duplicitous. Yeah. Don't you, Frank? What's your view of it?

Well, I mean, if you like him, then, um, what difference does it make? I liked him because he was gay. Oh, well, that's... There's some sort of... There's an ism there, but I don't know what it is. Yeah. Yeah, but do you...

Could you imagine him as a... Well... As a partner? As a straight. Can you imagine him as a straight? Well, no, I think the trouble is, I don't know, because it's changed everything about him. And what I liked about him

was our sort of camp fun chats about men. We won't be able to have those anymore. No, true. Suddenly he's become a threat. I think that's what's happened. Very much so. Yeah. Very much so.

So you're going to go for dinner, though, anyway? Well, I don't know. This is what I'm asking you to. What shall I do? Yeah, I think go on the date. Go on the date. So you're calling it a date already, and that's what I don't like.

It is. You said it was a date. He was my gay best friend, though, and I preferred him then. Why don't you get your hair cut really short? Go in a three-piece tweed suit, smoke in a pipe. The biter bit. That would put him off.

Well, I don't know. You know, I think if you bond, I don't see why you can't convert that into something a bit more... Yeah. ...permanent. Well, maybe. OK, well, I'll go then, guys. Yeah, go on.

I'll keep you posted. I'd like to see you get fixed up with someone. Okay. Because, to be honest, a single friend's girl, you've never really filled the agenda. I mean, to me, the whole point of having a single friend is that they're always available. You can phone them, you know, I'm going out in half an hour. Will you come with me? Yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah. You know, they sit around moping, let's face it, most of the time. But you're always... I need a very active social life. Your social life diminishes when you have a partner. So, yeah, you're a rubbish single friend, if you don't mind me saying. I'll keep you posted. Well, I'm excited about it.

Do you think he'll gradually let you know. Do you think he'll gradually let you know? Do you think he'll gradually lengthen the stride? Yeah. Just become straighter as the night goes on. Exactly. Just start wearing worse clothes the longer I get to know him. Maybe. Maybe. Don't get offended. You both looked a bit hurt.

No, no. I felt that. I felt that. He might order steak and chips. He's becoming really macho. I've been to the football. I'm having steak and chips. What's become of you? You're eating carbs.

He won't be eating carbs in the fashion industry. Not anywhere near me, he won't. Can you imagine it? I felt that I'm getting a bit camper on stage here in Edinburgh. I wasn't going to mention that. I've genuinely thought, ooh, I'm performing slightly camply. What's going on?

Well, anyone who thinks, ooh, I'm performing slightly camply, is half right there. And I'm not often mistaken, but it's happened to me once or twice in my life that I've been... This is true. Years ago TV's Mickey Flanagan and myself were performing... Are you going to do the impression? I might.

Can I just say I love the Cockerell's Mickey Flanagan impression. It's second to none. We were in Leicester back before he was the household name he is now. Who, Leicester? Leicester Piggott? Yes. And we were in a... we'd realised that the hotel had a deal with a gym down the road and so we could go for a swim.

And so we went to a pound shop in Leicester to buy swimming trunks, right. And this member of staff came over whilst Mickey, with his sort of shoulder-length hair, was holding some swimming trunks up against his waist. And I was holding mine up, going, I think I'm going to get these. And this woman from Leicester, unprovoked, said, I knew a homosexual gentleman once, about 20 years ago, when I worked in a library, and she said,

do you know what, he went to prison for killing his partner. That was the end of her story. I have to say, though, I love that story. It's pithy. Yeah, it's got a bit of everything in it. It's got retail, it's got sadness, obviously. It's very Joe Orton. There's a murder going on, isn't it?

It might have been Joe Orton, I don't know. I'd have mentioned that if it had been Joe Orton. Anyway, no Mickey Flanagan impersonation. Oh, there was no Mickey Flanagan. I was hoping it would just come up, but it didn't. I can't just do it. He's got quite a repertoire, Peter the Wild, Mickey Flanagan. Yeah, I do. Go on, do us a quick Mickey Flanagan.

I'll tell you what, Mickey Flanagan, this is absolutely true, again, I keep saying that as if I'm a compulsive liar. I'm presuming the other stuff you say on the show is true. Yeah, he's so cockney. He's the first person I've ever heard say core blimey in natural conversation. And what had happened was we came up to Edinburgh

and Pete Harris had told us, oh, there's a good Indian place, Indian food. Pete Harris, I should say, is a sort of a comedy entrepreneur. Yes, once upon a time. And he took us to this Indian Food. Pete Harris, I should say, is a sort of a comedy entrepreneur. Yes, once upon a time. And he took us to this Indian restaurant that in the time since Pete had been, it had changed hands and become quite expensive. And Mickey Flanagan

opened the menu, saw how dear it was, and went, oh blimey, where did they get their bloody chicken from, Pete? What's going on? And I was just looking at him going, I've never heard anyone say, oh blimey, where did they get their bloody chicken from, Pete? What's going on? And I was just looking at him going, I've never heard anyone say cold blimey in my life,

except on EastEnders. There you go. I feel like I was poked into impersonating my friend. Yeah, but that's it. You've got a good impersonation. People always... I'm not sure it was good.

I've been a bit worried that I talk through my nose. I think I'm getting a touch of the Ed Miller band. It's just the last few weeks I've thought, hang on. You camp, you're talking through your nose. I just don't know who I am anymore. It sounds to me you're at your mid-metamorphosis.

Yeah. Are you a time lord? Maybe. Maybe that'll be it. Have we heard anything else from our beloved listeners? We have. We had an email that I wasn't sure I knew what was being talked about. An email from Rachel Sheridan who said,

Hi Frank, Emily and Al. Oh, she's opted for the over-familiar Al, which I've started to do. I worry she's a bit early for the Al stuff. I never thought I'd say this, but I prefer the cockerel. Thank you. I was there. Didn't you say that in that Indian restaurant? Yeah, yeah. That's what I had.

Cockerel masala, I had. That's what Emily's GPF told her. It turned out to be talk. Anyway, carry on. I was listening to your fabulous radio show whilst at work and I was prompted to write in upon hearing that you fell out of bed At least once every three weeks as a child Yes

Now, I missed that bit But I have not ever fallen out of bed I should say I was a trawlerman A boy trawlerman Slept on boats a lot Now, I did, I was saying I reminisced about how I missed falling out of bed How excited it used to be to wake up in a sudden heap

Oh, yeah, yeah She's saying that she's never fallen out of bed, but believed it to be such a glamorous night-time activity as a seven-year-old girl that I pretended I had fallen out of bed, made a loud banging noise on the floor of my bedroom and waited for my parents to find me. That's nice, isn't it? I like her.

And one of the first nights I spent with my wife, she fell out of bed she fell out of bed yeah and i was in a sort of a weird well she was drunk yeah oh absolutely she's trying to get away i'd say i'd say possibly for the first seven and a half years she's only recently sobered and uh and uh yeah she fell out of the bed and i was in a bit of a sort of half-wake, half-sleep, dream-like state. So she fell out of bed, and I responded to it by saying, are you going to be all right for work? Are you a bit late for work?

What, she was still on the floor? Yeah, she was on the floor. You called down to her? She was on the floor, and I spoke to her on the floor, going, are you sure you're fine for time, or something like that. Very weird. I wouldn't mind, but you sleep in the top bunk, don't you? Yeah, it's a bunk.

She hit the ladder twice on the way down. No, I think that's a great thing as a kid to do, a sort of bogus bed plummet. Yeah. Bogus bed plummet sounds like... If you said bogus bed plummet the third, it would sound like a 1920s American congressman. I used to find there were some phrases

that you could put the third on the end of. Somebody once called me a molly-coddled mommy's boy. And if you said molly-coddled mommy's boy the third, that sounds like an American writer maybe from the 19th. Sort of Hollywood gossipist. One of my back catalogue. Really?

Okay. What else? Well, Frank, I've discovered a new word this week. You know I like a new word. Well, you like a new word as well, don't you? We're fans of language here. Mm, we are. And this new word is called hanger.

Hanger. Sorry to call my bluff on you, but can you tell me what you think it means? It's nothing to do with an aeroplane. No. Housing. No. No.

Hang on. Put shirts. No, but thank you, Frank Muir, for trying. It is... I'll tell you exactly what it is, Frank. It's a portmanteau word, which means two words become one. OK. It's the anger you experience when you're hungry.

Oh, I get that. Do you get that? I get it all the time the girls at in style go eat have you eaten they have to bring me food that's why i think style magazine what do they bring you half a jelly tot in fairness the first time i met you you did eat a sugar cube in front of me she used to be a centaur. No. She had to have that part surgically removed. I was channelling Sarah Jessica Parker.

She stopped with the behind. Thank you. Sorry. Well, we went to a cafe yesterday after I arrived in Edinburgh. I went out with, and I said, I'm going to eat.

Are you having anything, Em? And she said, I'm not really eating at the moment. I mean, for God's sake. Vagaries of fashion. I just meant that moment. No, but I do like hanger. I think it's quite good.

Because don't you find you get grumpy, Frank? Because I find you get grumpy when you haven't eaten. I used to do this. I thought it was blood sugar and stuff, but it seems to be disappearing as I get older. I could go for days now, I think. Really? Yeah, I think I've got a bit of camel in me.

Yeah, I don't know. It seems I don't need as much as I used to need. Although I did, I had a terrible food-based faux pas. Oh, yeah? I was at the, I'll tell you, I was at the Test Match last week, and I was sitting next to the lady who is the wife of the president of the English Cricket Board. So a very important lady.

And they had these fabulous scones. Are they scones or scones? Scones. Scones. Thick cream jam, and I made a big one of these. And I looked, and she was, you know, she was a woman of probably, I don't know, I suppose she was late 40s, early 50s.

I said, I bet you have had a few cream scones in your time, haven't you? You did not. I did, but I meant... Because you're married to a senior cricket official, you must have a lot of tea intervals at various grounds. She went bright red. Oh, I felt awful. I can't believe you said that.

That is a big one. I can't believe you said that. That's basically what you were saying. Her face went red and she had white hair and a small brown pillbox hat on. She looked like a skunk. No, but it was a terrible moment. But, yeah, I used to get it really bad that I used to get very irritable if I hadn't eaten. I toyed with the idea. Do you remember the old baby

walkers? Oh, yeah. You used to sit in a harness on like four legs on wheels and they used to walk around. I've often thought as I've got into my middle age, well, I wouldn't mind one of them now. I'd appreciate it more now. You could go for a walk, maybe 100 yards and you could

sit for a bit and just push and then get up again when you feel refreshed, you know. And I thought, you know, I could have one of those with a drip on it. A saline drip. Yeah. You know, I'd never get hungry. And I tell you the brilliant, because the legs spread out quite a bit, you wouldn't get, you know,

you'd get a face sprayer talking to you. Those people who get too close. They keep you at a natural, keep them at a natural distance. I think the adult baby walker has been... It's something that's been dismissed. Gap in the market. I think so. Yeah.

Well, baby gap in the market. Yeah. Loving it. I'll tell you something. I don't get... It's not so much that I get angry when I don't have food, but when I really get angry is when the people of the third world don't have food. That's what makes me angry.

There'll be more from Bob Geldof stocking a lift. Next Thursday on Radio 4. Next, the book of bedtime. Fern Cotton reads The Unbearable Lightness of Being. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.