The Frank Skinner Show - Not The Weekend Podcast - Frank Skinner in Edinburgh 2

Episode Date: August 24, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun bring you the podcast from Edinburgh. Frank talks about meeting Benny from Crossroads, Emily talks about her new flat and Alun talks shoplifting.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Hey! Welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean and you know who else I'm with. Well, you would know if Lisa, our producer, had turned up the volume on my jingle panel,

which she hasn't. But just imagine that was... Don't do it now. We're too late now. I've never had to do it. Don't even come near me. A human-voiced cockerel before. I know.

But I like to think of you as a human-voiced cockerel. That's right, yeah, yeah. I mean, next week, instead of the jingle where it goes, er, er, er, er, we could just have me going, the cockerel. Well, I'm happy to try that. Shall we try that now? If you want. So, this is Frank Skinner, and I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm also with... The cockerel.

Yeah, it works. That is horrible. That's horrible. Horrible. I found it, it was a bit bassy. Yeah, sorry about that. I don't mean as in the count. Or the trainer. I've got a certain timbre. I've got a bit of the Simon Callow about me.

You're moving towards basso profondo. Thank you very much. I agree. We're still in Edinburgh, by the way. We ain't never going home. Speak for yourself. Yeah, and I've been out and about. And you never know who you're going to bump into in Edinburgh.

That's what worries me. There's a famous person around every corner, under every stone, one might say. And I was in a very fine fish restaurant at the... at Leith, the seaside-y part of Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. I took a cab, and who was this in a joining table? But Paul Merton.

Oh. Loud floral shirt, didn't mention it. And it's a bit of a tricky thing. When you see... I don't know if you find this, but if you see someone in a restaurant you know, especially if the status involved... It's who gets up and goes over to the other person's table. It's of a tricky thing. When you see, I don't know if you find this, but if you see someone in a restaurant you know, especially if the status involved, it's who gets up and goes over to the other person's table.

It's quite a big thing. Now I'm happy to pay homage to, you know, a top comic, but I didn't. For some reason, I didn't get up. He didn't get up. So we sort of, we waved across the crowded restaurant, and that was it. And I felt a couple of people in there, we sort of, we waved across the crowded restaurant. And that was it. Right.

And I felt, a couple of people in there, I could see looking, I felt they were a bit disappointed that we didn't have a moment of union. Well, people are going to think there's a Skinner-Murton feud now. Yeah, but I mean, you know, basically, I had a mouth full of muscle.

And as Simon Callow said to me, you've got to get your priorities right so I I don't imagine he talks with his mouth full very well mannered there's a large plum in there I think as well

he's got muscle and a plum in there where is that? he's got all sorts in there anyway let's not go back to Callow that's what his ex-boyfriend said and a plum in there. Where is that? He's got all sorts in there. Anyway, let's not go back to Callow. No. That's what his ex-boyfriend said. I don't know.

Anyway, so, yeah, so people were... It reminded me, I was in a public house in Birmingham once. I think it was called the Old Contemptables. And it was owned, I think, or at least managed by Paul Henry, who used to play Benny on Crossroads. Oh. And I walked in and I just started to get sort of vaguely well known. And I could see people were looking at me and him together and they're waiting for the moment.

And I went over and shook hands. And I felt there was people. It was a bit like on the Sistine Chapel ceiling and shook hands. And I felt there was people like... It was a bit like on the Sistine Chapel ceiling where God is touching the finger of Adam. Except it was me and Benny from Crossroads. In Birmingham, it's not that dissimilar. So, yeah, and I wonder now,

is Paul Merton going to go away and think... Because as he got up, I thought, maybe I'll try and rescue this. And I said, how are you doing? All right. He said, I'm just getting a taxi. Oh, did he? That's my last have I got news for you appearance. I think there's probably a shared understanding.

I don't think you should overthink that. There's probably a shared understanding of we're both enjoying a bowl of mussels or something. And we know each other. There's an old comedy saying what happens in a fish restaurant stays in a fish restaurant they've extended it to touring as well that's where it began I think it was mollusk based

originally and then I went to there's a thing up here called the free fringe which some of you may not know about. And it shows where you don't pay to go in, but at the end, the act comes around with like a beer glass or something. You put in what you think's apt. And I went to, I saw a guy called Daniel Simonson, who's a Norwegian guy, very funny. And Bob Mortimer was at the show.

So Bob, we were on a... Was he in the audience? who's a Norwegian guy, very funny, and Bob Mortimer was at the show. So Bob, we were on a... Was he in the audience? He was in the audience, yeah. Sorry, he wasn't on stage. He was sitting, well, we sat near to, well, we sat on the same bench, but it was a bench not dissimilar to a vaulting horse. And so because it was not facing the stage sideways, he sat at the front and i sort of rode pillion really yeah i sat behind him and there wasn't that much room showing a trendy gastropub

or something it was it was it was in a basement sort of bar and i my inclination was to hold bob by the waist oh like you were riding pillion. Exactly. But I said to him, are you going to straddle or side saddle? He said, I'm going to straddle. So I followed suit. But we were quite adjacent because it was a bit... So I actually put my coat between us on the bench

because I thought if we both start rocking with laughter, we could, you know, we could accidentally become conjoined in some way. Anyway, he says to me, Oh, Frank, what are you doing now? Which had an element of, has your career gone completely down the toilet? I'm not saying that was deliberate. I hope you returned the question.

Well, no, I didn't. And I didn't want to rattle off I didn't want to call up my CV on my iPhone. So I said, oh, you know, bits and dabs. And he went, oh, as if he'd opened a terrible wound in me. And I thought, I have to try and turn this around.

I said, but I am very happy. And I thought, oh God, that sounds really terrible. Doesn't it? And then he said to God, that sounds really terrible, doesn't it? And then he said to me, do you have kids, Frank? As if happiness obviously was entwined. Well, of course, I don't have children. As you know, I was exposed to radiation as a child. He wasn't really.

It was an accident. I didn't have children, but I have got spider powers. I have everything in life. I've got children, it's just that they're hanging in an egg on the wall. Best place for them, in my view. In a sort of a hammock made of my own secretions. So do you feel he was desperately searching around for some meaning to your life? I think he thought, Frank, you know, look at him.

He's very much not the driver of the side facing bench, he's very much in the passenger seat and I haven't seen him on telly for a while and it's all gone a bit wrong Once again, right back at you Bob I don't think he was on now, I really like Bob but I felt he thought

it was more awkward than it was but it was a bit, I wish I'd been a bit more successful, just to oil the wheels of our conversation. And also, when people say, have you got kids? I also think, I always hear, in brackets, or are you a weirdo? Right.

So it's a touchy subject. I'm going to start making up things, like you didn't hear about my terrible accident. Stuff like that, yeah. Well, I had a similar thing. I worked with Paul Merton last week. Oh, yeah. And did an episode of Just a Minute

and met for the first time ever in my life Giles Brandreth. Oh, yeah. And then the following day kept bumping into him to the point of awkwardness. I saw him three times in about two and a half hours once once in the pleasance once in the street once outside a cafe to the point where i thought we are now running out of small talk oh so you did speaking on each case yeah yeah and he's very charming he did that thing that um people of his stature can do oh i thought you were wonderful on the show yesterday

so charming, so charming which is a great way of saying you were nice but I'm not going to comment on whether or not you were funny I'd say in branderathies it means I despise you maybe, maybe I met him in a

in a bar in Chiswick, I love this, this has just become celebrity gossip. It's like an OK Magazine podcast. It's not that gossipy, though, is it? Charles Bandreth. Tiny little things in cafes and restaurants. I'm trying to raise the bar a bit.

I've got a Russell Crowe story. You'll love it. Oh, here we go. Good. Are you going to Crowe Bar it in? I always do. But Brandreth, I met him in a bar in Chiswick in West London, and he started just chatting up my girlfriend.

I mean, absolutely, like the most elaborate chatting up you've ever seen in your life. And he turned to me at one moment, he said, you know, this isn't made any easier by the fact you're here. And I'm not totally sure he was joking. Really? Yeah. Oh. Yes. Celebrity beef. Oh. Yes.

Celebrity beef. Exactly. Yeah. That's what I call him. Or was it Ham? But look it up. Anyway, I don't know if I'd rescue any of the three of them from a fiery house. But anyway, that isn't true true actually. I wouldn't rescue

Brandith, he could perish. But I'd go for the other two, both fine comedians. So Frank, have you still, have you sorted out all the, is the bedbugs problem fine now? Well, anyone who listened to the show on Saturday or the resulting podcast will know that my girlfriend and her sister

who are sharing an apartment in Edinburgh separate from it because as my girlfriend and her sister who are sharing an apartment in edinburgh separate from it because as my girlfriend says i've got work to do i won't just be able to hang out i was told and but they had the bed box thing and i what's happened is that i found myself basically talking about bed bugs for about 40 minutes a day on average since because it's a big story and of course it's very apparent because Rachel, her sister, is, as you might imagine, covered in bites.

And the doctor told her quite a lot. Apparently when they bite bedbugs, their saliva... Who would have thought someone that small would bother to have saliva? That's what people have said about me. But who could be troubled to have a saliva gland if you're that tiny? Yeah.

Forget about it. Anyway, their saliva contains an anaesthetic. Oh. So when they bite you, it doesn't wake you up. So they can bite you several times. Oh. And it's only after a bit when it starts to itch that you wake up. So by the time you wake up, they've...

They've done their business and left. They have dabbed the corners of their mouth and left. And I like the idea that they anaesthetise you in bed over a period of time and then they go in for the attack. The amount of relationships I've been in like that. But what about this? I was speaking to a Canadian colleague of mine,

and he was saying that in New York, where he used to live, they had a bed bug outbreak at Victoria's Secret, the well-known lingerie store. Because people who had bed bug infestations went in, tried on a silky brassiere, and left eggs.

And before then, they had to close the store. And I love the fact that after all these years, I've finally found out exactly what is Victoria's Secret. I thought it would be a sensual and erotic thing. In fact, it's infestation. She's infectious. Exactly. You know Victoria's Secret?

She's wriggled. I could have told you Victoria's Secret years ago. Maybe it's a different Victoria. Who could have told you? You sure you can't Prince Albert? No. I killed a bug this week. Oh, God, I wonder what he's going to say then.

Yeah, I killed Victoria. It was an accident, Your Honour. What bug was it? It was probably larger than a bed bug, but a little flyy thing that was coming at me, and it was sort of flying around me, and the only thing to hand to hit it with was my wallet, which was full of coins.

Full of coins? Yeah, I had loads of coins. Have you arrived at the word wallet while searching for the word purse? No, it was my wallet, but the coin section was full to the brisk. See, I thought men kept coins in their pockets. Isn't that what their pockets are for? Of course. No, I don't, because I perform for an hour each evening as a stand-up comedian of some small repute.

But I find jangly coins in the pockets a bit annoying. And we've already established that you wear a boxer. I wear a cotton checked boxer. Alan told me that earlier. Did he? Yeah, don't worry. There's nothing sleazy about it. There's no conversation about smalls. Well, Lisa, our producer, who actually

hung up my washed pants last week, said to me that she was surprised how small they were. That was an awful moment. You've got small smalls. That's essentially what we've got. I'm starting to wonder if I didn't accidentally bring my action man wardrobe instead.

Were they khaki? But anyway, I killed this bug with quite a heavy wallet. Isn't that how Elton John's been trying to do that for you? Today? To kill a bug with his hefty wallet. I'll carry on. It was very weird. Does it warrant any explanation?

Yes. And I didn't... I mean, it left me with some contemplation of what have I done. But did it leave you with the remains of the bug? I just gave it a wipe on my jeans or shorts or whatever it was. That could have been a great autobiography title, Blood on the Wallet. Blood on the Wallet? I know that... Was it Sting that once said... Blood on the Wallet, the Bernard Matthews story.

Was it Sting that once said... Put it on the wallet, the Bernard Matthews story. I think Sting once said that his cocaine habit was God's way of telling him he had too much money. And I think me killing that bug the other day was God's way of telling me I've got too much change. Too much loose change, you need some notes, love. Too much shrapnel, time to get a piggy bank and start to do the...

You know when you take it all out the filter the filtering when you filter your wallet pig filtering? Is that legal? Yeah, you know what I mean, when you come in and you put all your smash in a little pile smash, shrapnel, change, what are we calling it?

I'm happy with change and how many people can say that at my age? I'm never happy with change. I prefer a note, as I once said in the 90s. Could you get a sort of a piggy bank attachment that clips on the belt? Oh, yeah, there's probably an app for it, isn't there, nowadays? Oh, there will be. Isn't there a story that Dwight York used to buy...

I didn't do anything. He used to buy a Gregg's pasty on his way to training. What, to keep his change in? No, to eat. And he used to give them a £20 note, and when they offered his change, he went, Oh, no, keep it. The bulge ruins my suit,

so who's spending £20 a day on a Gregg's pasty? That's the story, anyway. I hope it's true. It's like the Palace of Versailles, isn't it? The premiership. Yes. They live that decade. Well, the one that was the moment where you go,

oh, it's hard to apologise for how rich footballers are, was when... Who was it that left a Porsche in Italy and forgot about it? That was me. I don't remember that. I don't remember that. I think it was like Jermaine Defoe or somebody like that. I sailed a porch in Italy.

Have you got a quick stop? I think the ultimate was Ashley Cole being told that Arsenal were only offering him 53 grand a week. He had to pull over to the hard shoulder. He was so upset. That's brilliant. Yeah. Well, Frank, I had a brief run-in with a mouse this week.

Oh, yeah? Hmm. Well, you know, I've just got a new pad, and I'm really pleased with it. What, a mouse match? No. I'm very happy. I know you've just...

Yes, all mod cons, lovely and white everywhere. Another invite I'm waiting for. I suppose Bernie Clifton's already been round. I'm waiting for my sofa. I can't have you sitting on the floor or riding pillion with Bob. Oh, Bikettian. So, I went to make myself a cup of tea the other day

and then, oh, I couldn't believe it. I heard a slight squeak. Not mouse in the teapot. No. It's all gone a bit Lewis Carroll at your house. I saw it. You actually heard a squeak? I heard a squeak.

I didn't like that it announced its presence by the squeak. And then I saw it. I wasn't even sure they did squeak outside of animations. I didn't either. I thought it was Tom and Jerry. I heard, eee! Yeah. And then I saw it. I screamed. I jumped on a chair. You didn't jump. I thought it was Tom and Jerry. I heard, and then I saw it.

I screamed. I jumped on a chair. You didn't jump on a chair. Did you have stripy stockings on? And a frying pan. Thomas! I was never quite sure whenever that maid entered the room.

They used to play shortening bread. Remember that? You come in, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I was just thinking, is this all right? I think it was all right. I think it got under the room. They used to play shortening bread. Remember that? How much do you think? Is this alright? I think it was alright. I think it got under the wire. You'd get away with a lot back then. I jumped on the chair. I screamed.

You didn't jump on the chair. I did. You were an elephant on an adjoining platform. What would you do? It was awful. I didn't know what to do. I threw a tea towel at it. It didn't like it. It just wore it as a cloak. It didn't seem that bothered. And then it ran. It scuttled away. I noticed my neighbours didn't come to my aid.

I just liked to put that out there. There could have been anything going on down there after I screamed. Oh, right, yeah. Anyway, it ran with the sort of tea towel. It suddenly discarded the tea towel, ran straight into a Chanel handbag. Did it?

Which I believe it might well still be in there. You didn't check the handbag? I can't look in it. I'm going to have to sell the house. I can't go back there. I don't want anything to do with it. I was saying to my friend, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. You know, you don't want to come home.

Oh, God, I remember that. Yeah. I can see actual distress in your eyes. I'm really upset about it. I had no idea you were frightened of mice. You kept that quiet. There's nothing quite so distressing as having a mouse. We once had a mouse infestation.

That's quite true. A pineapple. Two pounds. A two pound pineapple. What about the Trimden Grange pit disaster in the 1920s? All right, yeah. My dad died when I was four. That was worse than when we had a mouse.

But... Now we've got things in perspective. Exactly, we've got perspective again. But it is quite distressing. I think it's up there. I remember my dad catching a mouse with a tea towel. It was unbelievable. Did he? What did he do?

He was just drawing his hands on a tea towel and suddenly he leapt full length like a first-class goalkeeper. And he'd seen this mouse going along the skirting board and he leapt and got it in the teat. It was a fabulous athletic moment. He was Peter Benetti, though, wasn't he? Well, he was known as the cat,

of course. He was. He used to bury his own excrement. Which isn't acceptable now under FIFA rules. I don't know if you're aware of that. Oh, Frank. Well, talking of football, Frank, we've had an email in during the week from Lee James.

Lee James? Yes. He says, hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I was in my local supermarket on Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday's at Tesco. Yeah, exactly. Oh, for pity's sake. Oh, China.

Sorry if you did any of the show on Saturday. That'll mean nothing. Just trust. Sometimes you have to just trust me. And coming towards me down the aisle was a man in a black full-length leather jacket. As soon as I saw him, I immediately remembered your discussion on full-length leathers, the Ron Atkinson. Oh, I missed that. Let's call it the Ron Atkinson, because Ron Atkinson used to wear the long black. He used to wear it. Well, I once saw someone at football match,

and he had a sign saying, Ron Atkinson's because Ron Atkinson used to wear the long black. He used to wear it. Well, I once saw someone at football match and he had a sign saying, Ron Atkinson's full-length leather, which always amused me. I pointed out that whenever I see anyone nowadays in a long black leather coat, they always go, Matrix. But you've got to pick your target. Well, it's interesting you should say that, Frank, because Lee James says, as we passed, I said, ooh, Matrix. Just like him.

He immediately turned round and said, you what? Say that again and I'll knock your block off. I'll knock your block... When did this happen? If I'm honest, I was slightly taken aback. Firstly, I questioned whether I'd travelled back to 1986, so the last time I'd heard that phrase. And secondly, I got the feeling this wasn't the first time he'd been the butt of the Kenneth Williams homage.

Who do you think? It's Lee and Southampton. I like the idea that bloke, ever since I said it, has had it about five or six times. Could be Darth Vader, of course. It would be touchy about the Matrix and its popularity. Oh, yeah. I don't think it's right for a supermarket full of length leather.

It's a bit creepy. Well, I mean, the ones I've done it to, I think, have usually been, they've been a bit on the gothic. Oh, yes. They're peaceable people. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah, so, but you don't want to just, you've got to be careful when you're, any kind of,

people in supermarkets as well, they're often on the edge. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. Why would you wear a long leather coat to the supermarket in August as well? Well, if you're the goth, you've got obligations. Or if you were a thief.

Yes. Ideal thief clothing. Yeah, baggy coats. Maybe they'd slashed away at the lining. Perhaps it was just full. He might well have said, ooh, Matrix, and the guy's thinking, do you mind, I've got 18 cans of beans in this jacket. Yeah, don't draw attention to me.

I'll knock your block off. I'll knock your block off. And he's probably thinking, I've got heavy stuff that I can... Yeah, maybe it was, knock your block off, it could have been one of the great train robbers. Charlie Peace, the Victorian burglar. I have a friend who's a reformed supermarket shoplifter and he told me that he used to wear an army

jacket because it had lots of pockets in it and what you want, he said at the time that he was, because he was skint and he said you want high value small items in your supermarket shop. So he would go for like king prawns and steak and stuff. Steak is

a high value small item. Also very perishable. Yeah, well I king prawns and steak and stuff. Steak is a high-value small item. Also very perishable. Yeah, well, I think he went home and ate it fresh. Oh. See, well, I think the way forward is an ethnic pantaloon. Yeah, absolutely. I could go home with a Caligas heater. Not that we're condoning shoplifting.

No, no, definitely not. I'd like to say that Absolute Radio, he's very anti-shoplifting. And he is reformed. He is reformed. Mainly because he realised that where him and his mate were having a little meeting to discuss their yield, what they'd got was actually right under the security cameras. The security just started following them around

every time they went in. So they'd obviously been caught. Obviously. I have no sympathy. Can I make that clear? No, me neither. Me neither. Bad.

But he's a good man now. All right. We've established that. Blimey. Anyway. I'll tell you who could do with one of those coats. Who's that? Have you read about...

I'm calling her WFW. Oh, yes. I know where you're coming from. Well, we're all familiar with the work of BFM Are you Alan? Was it before Alan's time on the show? It was, but I think we've briefly discussed him Oh, there's no brief about it

when you're talking about BFM He's actually a friend of the show Is he? He hasn't been in the studio yet I have an oblique reference to him in my old stand-up show Hold on, hold on. Fred of the show.

That's if the BFM is listening. He's one of us. We've got, yeah, we've got Peach of the Wild, Britain's Fattest Man and Ross Noble. Those are our friends of the show. I can imagine a ghetto blaster just resting under one of his cheek flaps as he listens to this on the road. Well,

he might have met his match because WFW... At last, that seesaw he bought will not be wasted. I call her WFW, World's Fattest Woman, but she's more... There should be an IW in parenthesis, in waiting.

Because this is Suzanne... How are you spelling that? Oh! Suzanne Eamon from Arizona. I think they're different. Correct me if I'm wrong about this, but did Britain's Fattest Man, BFM, did he want to be Britain's Fattest Man or did it happen accidentally?

You're absolutely right. That's her ambition. She's got a target, hasn't she, this woman? Oh, yeah. What a strange ambition to be the world's fattest woman. Well, she weighs 52 stone and she's eating 20,000 calories a day

because she wants to be 115 stone. Wow. Who doesn't? Well we've all raised our hands quite quickly. She says the bigger

she gets the more success she has with men. Wow. Really? Mind you, having spent about a couple of weeks in Scotland there's a few here that might be trying the same thing. she has with men. Wow. Really? Mind you, having spent about a couple of weeks in Scotland, there's a few

here that might be trying the same thing. I think I could give her a run for her money. I've been in a couple of audiences that could give her a run for anything. Unless it was down a very steep hill. I worry though about that. Who on earth would want to get to that

kind of... I mean, is she out of her mind? She looks quite a normal... I mean, you know, she doesn't look balmy. And she's got cheeks. Well, except for the strange asterisk thing she's carrying around in front of her. She's got asterisks? Well, no, she just looks a bit... That's her navel.

Yeah. Just the folds in her belly button. It looks like a big asterisk. Oh, please. She says she spends eight hours a day, doesn't she, shopping? No. She only goes to the supermarket once a month. Ah, right.

And then she's in there for eight hours. Wow. She said it's like work. It's like a job. It's hard because she doesn't have any woman, any... She's not a woman who has any problem filling her trolleys. No, this is true. She says she fills six trolleys of food once a month.

In the eight hours. In the eight hours. But I don't know about you. She's buying a lot of tins, isn't she? Yeah, but would it take eight hours to fill six trolleys of food? I suppose she's not that mobile. Well, I was going to say, it takes her a long time to get around. I'm similar to her in that I can't go to the supermarket when hungry.

And I think that's what she's doing. She's just eating for a month so that she's ready to go to the shops, isn't it? All right. Is that because you spend too much money if you're hungry? No, I just can't concentrate. I end up wanting to eat everything as I'm going round, you know. I think you've probably touched upon her basic state of mind. Yeah, yeah.

I wonder if she takes snacks with her, then. For an eight-hour shop, she must have some snacks on the go. Yeah, I think she has a hog roast on a lead. She eats it like a corn on the cob. Just has a fork in each end. I think she's one of those people that queues up at the till with empty sandwich wrappers because she's eaten them whilst going round the supermarket.

That's like your friend does that. Yeah, I do that. Well, two of the trolleys is just empty case. She doesn't like the tins. Yeah, yeah. She takes a tin opener and with a... Oh, I saw her take a wad of corned beef like a lozenge straight out the can.

She didn't even pick that white wax off the end. Just went straight down. Like Popeye just squashing cans of spinach. Oh, it's so wrong. Apparently she's very attractive, isn't she? She reckons that it's... Yeah, have you seen it? Have you seen the picture?

Well, I mean, she's not my cup of tea. I mean, all I would say is ballet pumps aren't her friend. No. She'd win some killer heels and set off her calves, Callow style. I think her footwear is largely guesswork on her part, isn't it? I think that's something she's going to have to take our word for. Did you put your shoes on in the dark? Did I put my shoes on?

Who knows? Oh, dear. But she is. It's the rule again, Frank frank that the people who should probably be best advised not to be wearing leggings are always the ones that wear them yeah i mean that that is uh amazing that she can uh i i have to say what sometimes one sometimes when we talked about bfm i felt a bit guilty because he felt like a man who was trapped in a no i didn't after that documentary he had a lot of anger oh well fair enough yeah but um but this is a man who was trapped in a cage of white. No, I didn't. After that documentary, he had a lot of anger.

Oh, well, fair enough. But this is a woman who is... That is her goal. She's doing it on purpose. Yeah. So, therefore, it's fine to discuss, I think. Yeah, thank God for her. Well, there are a lot of men in America that that's their sort of thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard about it. They call it supersized big beautiful women. I've seen calendars. Have you? Yeah, with women like that. I mean, they've got about this. They call it super-sized, big, beautiful women. I've seen calendars. Have you? Yeah, with women like that on. I mean, they've got clouds on and stuff.

Elasticated. Yeah. Always, always. Yeah. You don't want a belt that you have to throw out and hope it comes back. It's like a bullwhip. You don't want to do that. She'd fill out your living room costume

your MC Hammer pants I think they would be a bit tight what a thought that is they'd probably look like cycling shorts oh man they look like ombreefs this can't be right she's trying to get to

115 stone isn't she? And it says, because I saw the article and it said... Climb every mountain is her theme for this task. Was it said she's trying to get to a humongous 115 stone? I was thinking

well even half of that is humongous, isn't it? Yeah, so I hate the word humongous. I'd put it up there with squillions. Well, that's what she's spending just on the cake. She should... Surely she can get a sponsorship of some kind. From who? Ben and Jerry.

Yeah? Maybe. Or other ice cream brands aren't available. Or Tom and Jerry, if she's got any stripy types. I'll tell you what, if there was a mouse in her kitchen, she'd eat it. That's what I need. I need to bring her around. There's probably a nest in her armpit. I wouldn't be surprised.

Just living off salt. They're all right with the tomatoes. So, yeah. I imagine she's got a lot of salt deposits I bet there's Mormons Living in the hair at the small of her back Oh Big Anyway enough of this

We've had another email I'd like to read out This is from Rob Doyle Hi Frank Emily and the Cockerel. Oh. The Cockerel. Yeah. Oh, he's back. I was headed you pressed it. He says, I'm relatively new to the show.

Me too. Currently working my way through the backlog of podcasts. Oh, he's got a Bob Mortimer approach to it. The backlog. No, that's all right. Although, I'm not an award chaser, so don't worry. OK. Anyway, it's really bugging me.

Oh, he says if I was, I wouldn't be a Leeds fan. Anyway. Oh, he's got all the gags in on the way. He's got all the gags. He knows where he's going, but he's on the way. I'll have base camp one and base camp two on the humour front. He's stopping off. What's he called?

Every aisle, like WFW Rob Doyle Rob Doyle thank you anyway it's really bugging me what is the music you play

do you think her thighs are rolling in the aisle I bet when she gets out of there I bet she's got like a load of litter and stuff drags out

after her do you oh yeah yeah she's going to get bigger we should chart her progress She's got like a load of litter and stuff drags out after her. Do you? Oh, yeah, yeah. She'd be a... She's going to get big. We should chart her progress. On a pie chart. He doth crow.

He doth crow. So, sorry. Oh, yeah. So, Rob Doyle. Yeah. It's really bugging me. he doth crow so sorry so Rob Doyle it's really bugging me what is the music you play when talking about living with your girlfriend's sister please put me out of my misery yes well what you're

referring to I believe is it's not always as loud as that, is it? No, no, I'm finding... Sorry, it shocked us all. Yes, that is actually the theme from Man About the House. Now, Man About the House, you may recall, was a 70s sitcom with Richard O'Sullivan in which he shares a house with two girls,

Sally Thompson, the ditzy blonde, and Paula Wilcox, who's the one he likes best of all. But it never quite happens. It was what they used to call in those days a will-they-won't-they. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a bit like Frank and I all living together with Liesl. I see myself in the Paula Wilcox role, except we won't. I mean, there is that classic episode

where they surprisingly washed his pants, isn't there? Yeah. There was, funnily enough, I was in a sitcom with Paula Wilcox, in which she played my mother. Really? This was in the early

90s. Was it late 80s even? Yeah. And I remember someone said to me at the time I bet you never thought you'd be in a sitcom with Paula Wilcox playing your mother. It was a safe bet

and not one I was prepared to take on. And people often do that to me. I bet you never thought you'd be being interviewed by the Archbishop of Canterbury at Canterbury Cathedral. No. No. No. I mean, what do they imagine my life has been like?

Me put supposition after supposition of strange things that might happen to me. Who are these people that say such stuff? But Paula Wilcox, who was married to the son of Nelson Riddle, who wrote the Batman theme. Oh? Yeah, she came round to my parents' house a couple of times. Of course she did. But do you know what her husband was called? No.

Skip Riddle. No. Yeah, that's brilliant. That's a great name. That is a cracking name. That's in the same part of great names like Rip Torn, the American actor, isn't it? That's a good name.

Skip Riddle. And she was very nice, Paul. It was very exciting to meet her after all those years. I'd never quite worked out whether she was attractive. She was one of those, what the French call jolly led. I think literally it means pretty ugly.

But not as in pretty ugly, not using pretty as an intensifying adverb. It's more pretty slash ugly. So sometimes they look very beautiful and sometimes not so. Or what we call ugly beautiful. Is that what you call ugly beautiful? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I'm

telling you I could never work out whether she wasn't. But in the flesh she's lovely. I'm a fan of that sometimes. I think sometimes a big nose can look quite attractive. Well, I agree with that. Yeah, yeah. That's true. I like a woman as well who, when she's entering the room,

casts a shadow before she arrives. It gives you time to clear stuff away. Get the stuff off the coffee table. She's coming in. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Where's that remote? Yeah, so she was I remember the make i mean i don't i don't

get involved in gossip but i the make-up woman said to me she's very nice paul i thought she might be a bit stuck up you know she's this was a big star and all that she said but she's very nice she said i'll tell you something she wears a very expensive underwear do you know that's lived with me ever since at the the time, I was new. I didn't even have a concept of such a thing as expensive underwear. The idea of buying pants individually, I liked at least a three-pack.

And I did like a two-pack until that incident at the traffic lights. But, yeah, so every time I see her now I always think, oh, I wonder what that ensemble come to. If you're listening, Paul,

I can only apologise. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.