The Frank Skinner Show - Novelty Eggbox

Episode Date: September 16, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has seen Back to the Future the Musical and Buzz has had a fright! The team also discuss the thousand year old aliens, expensive watches and the surface area of cheese.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dee and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 81215, follow us on X and Instagram, at Frank on the radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. There's all your ways of getting in touch, and it's an interactive show in many ways. Otherwise, it's just three people in a room talking. Not that that wouldn't be brilliant, but with your input... Imagine.

It becomes post-brilliant. So my child is with me today, Buzz. He's sitting in the corner eating peanut butter on toast. We went last night to see Back to the Future, the musical. Oh, did you? Which was, I have to say, tremendous. Oh, is it? And we went back.

Oh. We went back and met the cast after, which was, I arrived, I suppose as something from the 50s arriving in Ebbets. It was a very similar thing. It was great. It's very interesting seeing the cast in full outfit and make-up, close-up, like that. You really feel...

You know, we had our picture, Buzz sat in the DeLorean and stuff like that. Did the musical, like the film, retain the same, in hindsight, odd focus on Libyans? Libyan terrorists? No, they don't feature. No, we were very obsessed by that in the 80s. Yeah, what was that about?

I'm sorry, I don't know. We'll sit down and explain one day to you. We couldn't help it. No, I thought sensibly that strand was removed. Yeah, when I watched it as a kid, I thought, oh, right. But they very much retained the being hit on by your mother theme, which I thought was was a bit tricky. I was just going to ask.

They kept that problematic aspect in. Yes, in case you don't know, back to the future, a boy, a young man goes back to the 50s from the 80s where he meets his mother as a young girl and she falls for him. And it's hashtag orcs, as you can imagine. And is there a... Oh, I think I might go and see this.

Don't let the sun... Yes, and it was... Did they go for the Huey Lewis soundtrack? They're all singing, all singing, all dancing. OK. And I'll tell you what happened i met dr brown who's um you know the main uh well sort of one of the two main characters and um he said you got me a job once and i said really and i'll tell you what happened he played max bialystok in the

producers which is obviously a great part but the reason he ended up playing me is richard dreyfus was on my chat show and he was struggling in rehearsals as matt bialistock and to the point where he said look i'm begging begging your viewers i need to tell them this, don't come to the show for the first six weeks. It won't be ready. Apparently, the publicist was physically crying in the green room. Because it's like the worst. You go on a show and say, don't come, is a different... It's worse than not getting on a TV show.

It is, yeah. It's anti-public on a TV show. It is, yeah. It's anti-publicity. So he didn't last much longer and then Dr. Brown stepped in. Oh, right. But it was brilliant. I mean, I don't want to give away, but it's like it's a complete, the whole theatre becomes a sort of

time travel capsule. Was there... I'm trying to imagine where I would try and insert music into that film. Was there a sort of musical number where Dr Brown explained building a time machine in a sort of fun way? There's a very moving song about him saying this is for the dreamers and he sings this song for everyone who's tried to do something that people have laughed at.

I suppose from the same school as they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. Do you know that song? Well, they all laughed at me this morning when I suggested a jacket swap with Buzz. We both had denim jackets on and we decided to swap. And to my absolute delight, i'm wearing it now yeah it fits my 11 year old's denim jacket fits the 67 year old emily d that was uh 67 i know but i don't know i thought it was better to say an exaggerated age than an age. I don't mind saying my age.

I'm 53. Do you mean how old am I? I forgot. You're better off sticking for 67 and saying how old am I. Don't get wandering off. Anyway, I'd very much recommend Back to the Future, the musical. Yeah. We rocked, and my 11-year-old liked it as well.

I'm going to say loved it. But it's a great plot. I was talking the other day about the best plots ever. I bet you can't guess what I chose. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So here's the thing. We were beautifully looked after at the theatre and Buzz got ice cream

and Buzz has got a bit of an issue with cutlery of a certain nature. Oh, I think I might share this issue. Yeah, Buzz... The wooden spoon. He won't have wood against his teeth, so he won't even have an ice cream that's got a stick on it. Buzz, you're a man after my own cringing heart.

Is it a splinter fear? No, it's just the texture is just nightmarish. When I eat a Magnum ice cream, I wrap the wrapper around the hilt of the ice cream. So you can't even touch it with your hand. That must look not at all weird. If I must. If it's requested by the sovereign or whatever,

sure, I'll do it, But I don't like it. The idea of putting it in and accidentally scraping it against a tooth. You see, because I'm a big toothpick user. I like toothpicks. What the dominoes! It's something about the flat kind of wood grain roughness. It's flat. Is it surface area? Is that the problem? Yes, we were just going...

What about when... What about a takeaway chopstick of the cheap variety? It depends how cheap. Yeah, they can be a problem. Because sometimes they feel slightly plasticated and then they're not so bad. I'm a big fan of the plasticated takeaway chopstick.

Oh, yes, we are. And all of their albums. No, we were talking about surface area earlier. That's the sort of thing me and Pierre sit talking about. Yeah. And Pierre said to me, of cheese, and I'm going to hand it over now. Pierre said of cheese.

I'm going to say this, the topic area is cheese surface area. Pierre. What I have been told, and in my own experiments agree with, is that grated cheese is much nicer than just a slice or a chunk of cheese because there's so much more surface area. You get all the flavour. Oh, absolutely.

It all hits your tongue at once. A little sprinkle of grated cheese in the mouth from the little packet. Really? Yeah. Oh, also the texture. For me, it's... Oh, Frank, it's so soft. It's like candy floss.

When you first grate it, and I do, into a bowl, just so I can enjoy the sensation of picking it up. I don't like the grating process, though. You find it great? I just had to.

the grating process now. You find it great? I just had to. Oh, I live for moments like that. And they don't need to come from me. I'm just happy that they're in the ether. They're here, they're with us. I bought, when I'm not living with my partner,

i.e. when I was in Edinburgh. No, when I was in Edinburgh living on my own, I buy sliced cheese. Oh, you don't in Edinburgh living on my own, I buy sliced cheese. Oh, you don't. I do. You're better than that. But that's what, if, I'm always aware, I do it slightly furtively.

I always feel judged by other shoppers when I, how idle do you have to be to buy that? That kind of feeling. That is fun though to take one of the pre-sliced cheese slices and sort of thwap it upon your tongue. I've never... With a cloak.

Oh, I do it. I don't do that. Walter Raleigh. Just to get you across his tongue, Your Majesty. I want to tell you a story. Oh, Max Bygrove's impression.

As my child's here today, I want to do some more Buzz-themed stories. So this week, Buzz's friend Jude had got a birthday outing, right, right to the cinema so you know this sort of thing the mom of the birthday child texts a bunch of kids and they go and see what would it be not the lion king but whatever the modern equivalent is what's that one when you can see through all the characters that's around now oh yeah like the smokables or something like that i don't like the sound of that the vaporites the elements the elements sorry i got prompted by my

11 year old just what you need for those moments so in so he went um to the cinema with his friends i'll be honest and this is the kind of bad parent i am i never checked what the film was but um but the mom the mom who's in charge said it's an agatha christie and uh her son loves her loves her who donnie so i thought well that'll be all right um and then then I got a message from Victoria Corrin Mitchell, who said, I'm at the cinema to see a horror film and your son is sitting behind me. And I thought, uh-oh. And she said, obviously it can't be that as frightening as I thought.

And I thought, uh-oh, I didn't check what this was at all. So then I looked it up and it's called a haunting in Venice. And I thought, oh, so anyway, I. That's alarming, isn't it? It is alarming because. You don't want to see a haunting when you send your child off to the cinema. No, no. So I should have checked this before, obviously.

So they were what they... Venice is reassuring, Frank. Venice is... Have you seen Don't Look Now? I mean, Venice is a creepy place if you want it to be. I mean, just the courting couples are menacing enough. Did you see you have to get a ticket now to get to Venice? Anyway, different story. So we got a message from the mom in charge,

and she says, who's a very good friend of ours, she says, well, she was before she took my child to a horror movie. A whole thing in Venice, specifically. She said, we're she was before she took my child to a horror movie. A haunting in Venice, specifically. She said, we're on our way back. So Kat said, let's meet them on the way. We saw them coming down the street. And the kids, there was no gaps between the kids. They were so terrified.

They were clumped together as they walked. Sheet white. I mean, all of them. We said what it was like. They were all going, oh my God, it was terrifying. And apparently all of them slept with their parents that night. It was so...

But when we got back, this was... So it's a 12i. Is it? Which you'd think would be okay. From the trailers, I'm surprised. Well, when we got got back Buzz made us watch a trailer yeah

what was it like was it terrifying well I don't know if you know the film it features Kenneth Braddow as Hercule Poirot with him

I mean obviously when you think Poirot you think moustache yeah but well I'll tell you I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Buzz was returning from a haunting in Venice, is it called?

Yes. Which sounds absolutely terrifying. Well, when we got back, in order to prove that he wasn't just being a Nelly Bing Bong, he made us watch... I don't know what that is, but it's in my life now. I'm not letting that go. He made us watch... Somebody said it to me once. Someone said,

oh, God, he's a bit of a Nelly Bing Bong. That's probably been 40 years ago, and it's stuck with me. But anyway, so he showed us the trailer and i saw the trailer and i said well i i wouldn't have gone to see this film myself um but i was mentioning um mustache now i have um i am i am i have a sort of a very indirect link with Hercule's moustache because I used to share a make-up artist with David Suchet.

That's a strange thing to boast about. Yeah, and when they did the last Poirot, he got a very large version of his moustache woven for her as a sort of, like a pair of bull horns to have on her wall. Like a sort of insane sculpture. Why does she want to be reminded of that? I think the fact she was like you know the mustache queen she she she administered the mustache pre-records and the stars queen because yeah susha's mustache i think

mustache queen is uh it's not far from where we're something we're broadcasting now they're just leaving it as we speak but fair play. I mean, Suchet's moustache looked like a plastic sculpture stuck on his lip. What? You can't say that about my makeup artist. No. Art is true.

That's what I'm saying. It's so impressive. Wasn't Suchet the one who, he always spoke in the... The little fake Belgian voice. He always spoke like an off-camera guy. He was very method, wasn't he? That's what I've heard. Yes, we've heard. Yes, I do hope

it's true. I think he just didn't want to lose his accent. It's the same as Daniel Day-Lewis. It's a sort of mad, like Peter Sellers sort of thing. To maintain between takes. Daniel Day-Lewis would have obviously taken on French citizenship.

Belgian. Oh, sorry everyone. Sorry. We're going to get all the Flemish people texting in now. Oh, it won't take long to read those. So anyway, if you look... So Branagh came on and I thought, this is a whole new layer. Because Branagh looks like he thought, during the break, after he got the job,

he thought, I'll grow a moustache. So he looks like he's grown a big moustache. And then when he's got there, the make-up person has said, oh, we already got you a moustache. And he said, well, shame to waste it. I'll wear that on the top. Oh, no. And that's what it looks like.

Or maybe they got two make-up moustaches and he just couldn't decide. It's the most ridiculous construct I've ever seen of a moustache. Was it like a sort of, this mystery would require two moustaches? Exactly. It's so scary and difficult. Exactly. We'd have so much twirling to do.

This one will disintegrate. He still feels too young. It's a bit like, you know when people say the bus drivers are getting younger, or the postman, or the policeman. I think, no. The Poirot. The day when Kenneth Branagh,

the day when Kenneth Branagh is your age, is around your vintage, and he's Poirot. Isn't it just the French version, or Belgian version of the police are your vintage and he's Poirot. Isn't it just the French version or Belgian version of the police looking much younger? The Poirots. The Poirots are so much younger these days. You've got to check out the moustache. I mean, make your mind up.

Okay. Kenneth. I'm just Ken. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Woofie you Woo you Woo

I'd leave it all I'd leave it all Yeah that was George You alright George? George Yes I am What do you say George?

You say oh nice to meet you Well hello Hello How are you? I've been down to George George yes sir what do you say George it's how nice to meet you I thought that was just for the songs George what a discovery I know that's how you speak but this is a eulogy um so I'd really appreciate it if you could give it some gravitas, please. What, just hands over eyes? Oh, no. God rest his soul. God rest his soul.

Yeah, so don't die if you're a mate of George Ezra. That's my advice. So, yes, by the way, I need to defend my friend who took these poor children to a horror film. He said it was a 12A, and the 12A says under 12s is fine if you're with an adult. If you're accompanied. And that was wrong.

Apart from the moustache, which would have terrified a Vietnam vet, there was a bit, they do that bit, we've seen this in horror films before, but 11-year-olds probably haven't. You know that thing when you look in the mirror and a terrible corpse person is standing behind you in the mirror. They had one of those moments.

Happens to me every morning. I wish mine would get behind me and stop standing in front of me. But that was a terrifying, terrifying moment. So I recommend to anyone who doesn't quite, who thinks they can't picture the moustache to look it up. I gave it a look

during the song. What, the Ken, the I'm just Ken moustache? People will think, oh, he's exaggerated the comic effect. No, it looks like two eagles mating.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love that Frederick Forsyth novel. Two eagles, mate. You see, my favourite Poirot was Peter. Peter Ustinov.

Oh, yes. Oh, no, it's got to be Souchet for me. Really? Yeah, I like that sort of prissiness and the ego thing going on. Anyway, apparently, Kenneth Branagh has decided, this is the third in a trilogy, taking Agatha Christie's stories

and making them much more terrifying. Again, something I could have read before. It's set, after all, in an abandoned orphanage. Oh, sure. Which was abandoned because they got the black debt so they just left the children in there.

That was right. Yeah, I mean, you don't want that. I mean, Trev in Canvey Island, morning, Trev. Yeah. Late review, Frank. It's the third movie he's had that moustache in. I mean, that's a bit harsh. Well, I haven't seen the first two.

And I also, I think that one landed on the second one. I think originally. Now, that might be, yeah, well, I didn't see the first two. If I'd seen the first two, I wouldn't let my child see the third. Ovs. No. Maybe the moustache wax he used on the first one was a sort of pheromone that attracted other moustaches.

Oh, yeah. Oh, they've all come to the party now. Like a moth trap. I can say I wouldn't have got... I once went to see a film called Day of the Dead. I don't know if I told you this before. It was the sequel to... Dawn of the Dead.

One of those. It was a lot of zombies... Well, I won't tell you what they were doing, but basically pulling people apart and eating them. I have told you what they were doing. And everyone's terrified behind an enclosure and there's living dead trying to get in and eat them. That's the gist of it.

Yes. And I went to the toilet during the film. Well, they were scary, you know. To pass water. I was still in the cinema. I went into the cinema. Before I urinated, I kicked open every cubicle door to make sure there wasn't a flesh-eating zombie in there.

Now, I know that sounds ludicrous, but here's the truth of it. You have to wonder a bit about people who like horror films. That's all I'm saying. There's a question mark. Why do you think that? Well, if you like horror films, maybe you like

people suffering and violence. Absolute radio. Is it too dark for breakfast? Too dark for breakfast? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli You can text us on 81215 Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Now Frank, regarding your television slandering of horror fans. Oh, yes.

Simon of Sudbury, one of our regular readers, gets in touch and says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. I remember as a three-year-old peering from behind the settee as William Hartnell fought the Daleks. So began my love of the horror genre. Oh, come on. Come on.

Well. The thing about Doctor Who, which is particularly marvellous, and there's been, like, the odd slip when William Hartnell, in the very first story, was about to kill a caveman with a rock, but it didn't happen, is that the Doctor is a pacifist, essentially. And in an age when it's all like pictures of men with big rifles on action hero movies,

the Doctor with his, whatever it is, Dickie Bow or his velvet jacket using science, I think is why Doctor Who was... mainly survived amongst the intelligentsia Also it's got that slightly adorable Do forgive me Frank but it's got that slightly adorable element of school play Well maybe Classic Who has got a bit of that

It's where that specky, clever science kid in the class gets to be all the big guys. Not that I was ever the science kid, but, you know, I'd rather he won than the sports guys. Well, and Simon also says, absolutely agree with Buzz about the ice cream tub spoons nightmare. It's, well, there was this guy, Amanda, who worked at the Adelphi,

and he actually went off and got Boz a metal spoon. Because he noticed, he was a bit surprised that Boz had folded the lid of the ice cream in the middle and was scooping it out with that. And he said, there is like a wooden spoon in there. And Boz said, I know. Like he'd said, there's a spider in there. I have

bought, to combat the fact that with life on the road, I know you try and eat healthily, but all the healthy food comes with wooden cutlery. I've bought a sort of all-in-one spork thing. Oh, a spork. I've got an 11th Doctor spork,

which is based on his sonic screwdriver. But then, of course, the spork is the self-same runcible spoon, as mentioned in The Owl and the Pussy. Is it? Yeah. The runcible spoon is a spork. The runcible spoon is the same thing. Why do they

have to rebrand it? Because spork is more modern. Can't they just keep with the old things? You can't sell an American a runcible spoon. No. Watch me try. Just in the modern world, people say, oh, let's get a spork. They're not going to say let's get a runcible spoon.

I'll have to go for the portmanteau. Stick with the old way sometimes. And I'm a man who owns a ronsable spoon. I'll have to go for the portmanteau. Stick with the old way sometimes. And I'm a man who owns a set of grape scissors. Specifically for cutting. Maybe he goes to the doctor about that. Cutting, yeah. No, he gave them. He said, we're so busy at the moment.

We're so rushed off our feet at the NHS. You're going to have to do this yourself, mate. They've got grapes, ornate grapes, all over the handles and stuff. I don't want to know about that. Yeah. That was when the NHS had money, when they were made. Yeah.

Get them from the pharmacy. We've received a lovely missive regarding your poetry podcast. Whee! Not the reaction I anticipated, but nevertheless. Let's see what we've got here. This is

from Peter Wolfson. My last Duchess. Actually, I've got to stop here. This is the last thing I want poetry associated with, isn't it? It really is. This is for people trying to win talent shows on telly without talent,

but with tragedy. Sorry. Britain's got tragedy. I like to think that this is a bit more what the poetry show is like. Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Yeah. So, Peter Wolfson, we don't normally do praise,

but I like to make an exception for the poetry podcast. Well, it's such an obscure activity of mine. I think it can take a bit of praise. Also, it's fabulous. Come on. And Peter says, your poetry podcast is wonderful. Thank you so much. Your analysis, explanations and sheer enthusiasm are so inspiring.

You've... My arms are raised. Muhammad Ali style. And then a fabulously middle class sign off, which I love. I'm going to call it the Waitrose of sign offs. Incidentally, I will purchase Jean Spracklin's Green Noise. Thank you once again, Peter Wolfe. Good, I'm glad you will.

That's a fabulous poetry collection. You brought poetry alive again to Peter. Actually, there was a bunch of youths got on the bus last night. And, you know, I did that thing you do, you stereotype youths as youths. And one of them got off through the, you know, the back door of the bus,

got off on that and shouted thank you driver which is something I haven't heard for years that old people used to say but still the old politeness so you know don't judge Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Thanker I spoke this morning Thank you. I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. I didn't like him, I'll be honest. What if he'd said that? I didn't care for him. I found him brusque. He didn't have a banner, Mr. Osh.

No, but he didn't have the one moustache. He just put the glue... He only put the Velcro on and then forgot the main moustache. Hitler. Also, one of the funnier choices made in his life by Robert Mugabe, just to go, you know what, I'll bring it back. It's got no negative associations as far as I could wear it. Why do they like a moustoustache the dictators, Frank?

I don't know. They don't all go for it, do they? Oh, they do. Good visual branding. Do you think that's what it is? I think that's part of it. Any dictators don't text you. I think dictators probably like people to go to fancy dress parties as them.

So they go for a very distinctive look. Yes, they always go for a sort of easily cosplayable look. Don't know the dictators. I'm not saying that's why they've become the dictators. Remember Colonel Gaddafi used to have a big shirt with Africa on it? Yes, big green Africa. Yeah. He loved that.

Say what you see, Colonel. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Was he worried about getting lost? Yeah, he travelled. He liked to fly completely comatose. That was his sort of label. He was like Paddington Bear with that label.

It should have been like a nurse's watch, an upside-down Africa, so he could look and go, oh, yes. Well, do you know what I saw the other day? A watch being worn. Do you remember this, where the actual buckle would be on the top of the hand and they'd have the watch face was underneath the hand and they'd look at it. I think it was blokes in factories wore them because they thought it was less chance of it getting broken.

Yeah, you're getting scratched. I saw one the other day and I thought, oh, people still wear their watch sort of upside down, as it were. I was thinking the other day that it's a thing now that... Don't exaggerate. Oh, please. The watches are sort of almost jewellery now because you have a clock on your phone. So it's a choice to wear a watch.

I'm going to wear a watch and have a double watch I always worry about people that are very very obsessed by watches they treat it like it's art or something I think it's not as worrying as horror films

they're not saying I love to see people frightened or tortured or eaten. What if you were at a horror film and you turned and you saw a man so bored by the violence he was checking his enormous elaborate watch every now and then? I don't mind the watch. I mean, I have no interest in watches,

but I don't mind other people risking attack. Oh, it is a certain type. But the watch obsessive is in the same area as the Cigar Smoker of the Year. Come on. Yes, definitely. Come on, Frank. I had a good watch once, which was bought at the end of a TV series. The sort of serious gift was a good watch.

When I say a good watch, I was told it was a name watch. And it was quite name watch and it was quite a fat impressive looking watch it's the most rubbish timekeeping watch i have i did mended about four times and gave up in the end oh yeah well you know i actually got a chance by the way bob monkhouse gave me a watch and of course i immediately went to have it valued. And the guy said, we can clean it for you. He said, but we'll put the face on properly. He said, if you put a bit extra, we'll put it, we'll seal the whole thing and you'll be able to swim in it.

And I actually got the chance to say, well, that's weird because I couldn't swim before. And as you can imagine, in quite a nice duelist, it got nothing, absolutely nothing from the guy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is nice from the Cricklewood Coffee Roasters. I thought it was a band, but I think they might actually be coffee purveyors

and agreeing with you about what a great show Back to the Future the musical is. Couldn't agree more. Coco Anglais as fantastic as the doc. Yes. Okay. Yeah, I got a feeling he was um he was someone who was using the lines but wasn't constricted by them if you know what i mean oh i like those so he'd overspill into

international talk sometimes which made it more real ah that was my opinion we've had our readers getting in touch about previous things we've discussed on this show didn't someone say by the way didn't someone do a calculation we did we had someone getting in touch regarding Back to the Future

this is mind blowing it is slightly frightening because in the musical and in the film he goes from 1985 and he goes back to 1955. And 864 has been in touch to say, if the film was made now, Marty McFly would be travelling back to 1993. That's Paul and Preston. That is mad. That is mad.

Because you don't think, well, there's nothing different then. Everything was exactly the same in 1993, which, of course, it wasn't. The musical difference would be that he'd be going back and trying to, like, pretend an affection for his parents' love of grunge. Yeah. And Nirvana. Exactly. And D-Ream, things can only get better.

He'd have to introduce them to, like, Dubstep or something. More importantly... Well, listen to this. More importantly, I'd be massive. Frank, it'd be great for you. It would, yeah. I could play me in 1993, and then he could find me sort of broken down

on the end of a bar into 2023. Oh, God. Who would be, well, Biff would just be Donald Trump in some form. We should say of Biff, Biff is the school bully. And I saw a bloke in the theatre

who looked, and I heard him talking to a friend who seemed to be a very macho type. You said he was Biff-esque. Yeah. Well, this was a punter, wasn't it? And I noticed he was laughing at Biff,

and I thought, no, you're Biff. You're one of the Biffettes. You should be pro-Biff. But Buzz loved Biff. What, Biff the character? The guy who played Biff in it was a very believable Biff. What Biff, the character? The guy who played Biff in it was a very believable Biff. Did he have that sort of slightly

unsettlingly closely gelled kind of blonde quiff? Yeah, I mean it was a wig. But he had, he was big, he was one of those blokes who just was big in context with everyone else in the thing. He looked

like he could terrorise a class. Did he sing a bullying song? I love to push the nerds like some old number about how good bullying is. I'll have a look. We have the souvenir programme with us. It's a great defence

of bullying he sang. And in falsetto as well, which is strange. An elaborate, heartfelt defence. I love to push the nut. Just a beautiful falsetto from the Sonoran. I do. I do. Yes.

Yeah. Now, they fell short of the justification for Biff. Do you remember last week we were talking about characters not seen on screen, so referred to on screen but never seen? Yes. I think we referred to her indoors was one of the ones. Maris from Frasier. Yes. I think we referred to her indoors was one of the ones. Maris from Frasier. Yes.

Well, it was your one. Yes. I didn't know that. We didn't really know that, but we let it go. She Who Must Be Obeyed. From Ron Paul of the Bailey. Although we were widely disagreed with on that. Were we? She was seen doing washing up and chatting to him a few times.

Oh, okay. Well, I missed that episode. Me lad. that well she was seen doing washing up and and chatting to him a few times oh okay well i missed that episode well well we've also had through um some other examples graham hill has been in touch dirty girty from number 30 right which was basil brush is that right yes i got mixed up i thought is larry grayson larry grayson had used to refer to slack alice who was a woman and his friend everard if you remember did he have a friend well yes that's what we called them in the 70s and that was everard yes i love the idea of a they used to call it or my, my aunt, who's... I think twee would be a good way to describe her. And I remember her saying to my sister once when she was dating,

and at the age where my aunt felt uncomfortable, I didn't know how to refer to their relationship, they were living together, and she said, is Ziggy still your best friend? Ah. Best friend. Best friend. I moved in with a woman, and my parents, being good Catholics,

never acknowledged that it was happening at all. Refused to even refer to it. And then she said to me one day that my dad took her to one side and said, never let him leave the house without a clean handkerchief. And that was when it was first acknowledged. By handkerchief. A sort of semaphore. Yeah, exactly.

And in terms of other not on screen but referred to, Dermot has got in touch. Kath and Buzz. On the scene, but very, very important characters in the show. That is a good point. That is a very good point. And also, Emil just came in, who did the show previous to us. And he said, now we're going to remember the name of this,

someone from choco vision dan the van the van dan the van from choco dutch dutch character yes which i i didn't i don't know if i ever saw choco vision but i had a very good friend who used to write for ChocoVision. Some of my best friends did as well. Well, you wouldn't... She was, you know, sort of very cool, slightly goth type. What is it, ChocoVision? You know, the Choco Brothers.

It was their show. Oh, is that... I didn't know that. What is Choco... Who is Gatha? I don't... Oh, come on, that's hardly the same thing. I think ChocoVision his part of British culture. Is it? I'm very aware of Chucklefish. Was it on ITV?

Oh, OK. No one knows what it was on. What about when he was on... What was he on? Fans Only or whatever that thing is called. Only Fans. He wasn't on it. The Chuckle Brothers aren't on Only Fans.

No. He was on one of those. Frank, they haven't got on Only Fans. To me, was on one of those. Frank, they haven't got on only fans. To me, to you. I've found them. Yeah. If you want to find out more

from me to you, and I will be sending it directly from me to you, don't worry about that. Oh, I've dropped a big chandelier. I've got stuff in a ladder. Yes, no.

Chlamydia from me to you, you to me. No! I think they changed their surname slightly as well. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute radio. By the way, my son held up a message

during our talk about off-screen characters. He held in his hand a piece of paper. He did. And he said, it says Paul McCartney in Moppet's Mayhem. And apparently he was an unseen character, much referred to, but never appears.

And 225... What time does Paul turn up? It was like that. 225... That was George Ezra. Asking about his driver. 225 has got in touch. You never saw Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget,

although you did see his arm and his cat. Did you watch him? You seem... Can you say you never saw him, but you did see his arm? Is that... Is there a logic issue in that? I think he's still unseen.

We couldn't pick him out of a line-up, which must have been Dr. Claw's plan all along. I did watch Inspector Gadget. I did see that. Yeah, I didn't, but I remember it existing. He had a kind of... I'm sure I'll be very thrilled to hear that. Well, I was at the wrong

age for Gadget. I think he had a very famous voice actor doing his voice. Really? I think so. I'm enjoying the idea of referring to him as Gadget. Yeah. So giving him some gravitas he perhaps doesn't quite deserve. No, I was at public school with him. Where did you school Gadget?

He was Gadget Minor. I knew his brother, Gadget Major, who... Are you from the Hampshire Gadgets? Gadget Major is the sort of name a US senator would have. Yeah, Gadget... He's got such mad names. Gadget Major invented the Scion organiser. Now, listen, David...

And the Blackberry. Whatever happened to... The Blackberry. Remember there was a big battle, like Blur and Oasis, with the iPhone? Yes. And the Blackberry. Who there was a big battle, like Blur and Oasis, with the iPhone and the Blackberry. Who won, would you say? David Tucker from Caffili has been in touch regarding Dracula.

Hi, Frank. Just messaging to say your Dracula version of Unforgettable has been on a loop in my head for about four days now. I can't get rid of it. I've even added, that's why, darling, it's spectacular, as a next line. Oh, and then we know what's coming. Would you be so kind as to give us a brief burst, Frank?

Well, the headline was vegan Dracula. So I said that immediately made me think partly because of the sea sounds or something but vegan dracula that's what you are i was um banned by my partner from singing that oh yeah yeah after about half a day of uh Oh, were you? Yeah, after about half a day of... So it did catch on. Oh, yeah, I was walking around my flat. And my darling, it's spectacular.

You remain a vegan Dracula. I can think of another rhyme, but not for breakfast. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, no. Maybe you could pass that spatula now. But not wooden. Oh, not the wooden spatula.

Not for my child, Aurum. Aurum Pierre. No. No. I need to get to the bottom of the... Sometimes I'll have a lollipop with a wooden stick and I'll just chew the wooden stick after for pleasure. Or the sort of rolled paper tube stick.

We're all so different, aren't we? It's not October yet, but there's been some quite Halloween-y stories around. I don't know if you saw about the Mexican aliens. No. The Mexicalians. The Mexicalians. The Mexicalians. Oh, the UFO community.

They've had a big week. The UFOC. Do you like UFO people, Frank? I interviewed some alien abductees once. I thought that would be an interesting thing to do. How was it? It wasn't. You know what I noticed about aliens?

They've always got very skinny legs. Yeah. Is there no one with any curves in the alien community? They've got those little hover cars. Yes. So they never really build up the curve. They skip leg day. Yeah.

They've got very thin legs legs haven't they? Anyway. We should say that they've found they're actually they've found some dead aliens Down a sort of mine. Yeah, in a mine. Alien corpses. That wasn't me insulting you to.

I suppose you'd call them fossils, because they're old aliens. I must admit, you don't get many alien fossils. No. And these guys, they're two feet tall, which is a big plus if you're in the mining business. Yes. A very six weeks to low-MG diet.

Yes. They're very fashion weak. There's not a lot of flesh on their tail. They're slim. Yeah. And one of them contains eggs. Allegedly. That's gross.

Alien eggs. They've x-rayed. I don't even like aliens, let alone alien eggs. No, but what's interesting is they looked, you know there's that very specific rough cast grey cardboard

that you only get on egg boxes. They look, could they possibly be novelty egg boxes? One of them's been emptied and the other one's still got the eggs in it.

You're saying that what we're missing here is the real story that the Aztecs had novelty egg boxes hundreds of years before anyone in the West. And they used that same egg box cardboard, which you never see on anything else except a teenage boy's wall when he's trying to soundproof it for band practices with egg boxes. You know what I mean, though? Yes, yeah.

You do get neater ones sometimes, but the traditional egg box cardboard is a real rough. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Rough grey thing, and that's what they look like, these guys. It's only a slightly more benign version of sandpaper, really. Well, it looks like we've thought, you know, it's not worth making anything nice for the eggs.

It's very practical. So we'll use that really cheap cardboard. It's like doll's house concrete or something. Yeah, recycled. Yes. Do you think the aliens, because the producer keeps laughing every mention of the aliens for some reason.

Because they look also, those aliens, Frank, do they do cosmetic surgery, aliens? They look quite tweakmented. Do you think they've had work? Very cheap work. Alien fossils have had work. I think they might have had an upper brow lift, one of the aliens.

Really? Yes, I could tell. They do resemble some of the real house Really? Yes, I could tell. And there was just the... They do resemble some of the real housewives. Yeah. I'm just saying. Maybe a little bit of filler. They've got aliens calmed down on the filler. I'd say the distinct thing about them

is their head shape. Yes. You remember I said to you, I have trouble at the opticians because my head is deep. It goes back a long way. These guys, where they're getting their stems from, I don't know, because their

heads just keep going. It's like they're looking out of a microwave at you. I like that. You said that like a sort of a 50s guy describing a hot dame. Oh, that head just keeps going. Head for dames.

Yeah, maybe we should re-record that bit. Oh, Frank. I wouldn't like it used as a trailer. Oh, Frank, for heaven's sake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So these aliens, we're talking about the newly discovered alien corpses who I suspect have dabbled with some treatments. But how do you explain the long heads? Do you think they were fossilised whilst...

I think they're mods. They're in snorkel parkas. And it's all just become rock. What I want to know is why they were buried. They were discovered apparently a thousand years ago. They date from, I apologise, from a thousand years ago. But they were in a mine, so that's probably why they were buried. Oh, I see. Okay, fair enough.

They were mining. They were the mining aliens. I didn't know they had jobs, the aliens. Well, according to Eric von Daniken, who wrote Chariot of the Gods, which is a book that everyone used to read at school. Oh, did they? Yeah, that was one of our non-fiction books

along with Fire from Heaven. Well, that was fiction. Oh, yeah. Fire from Heaven was spontaneous human combustion was fiction. Oh, yeah. Fire from Heaven was spontaneous human combustion when people just burst into flames. But Eric von Däniken had hard evidence that things like Stonehenge had been done by aliens. Yeah.

So they did do it. They were in the construction business, so I don't see why they couldn't have gone into mining. They're very blue-collar aliens, aren't they? They are. It's always big construction project, mining. There's a sort of Billy Elliot aspect to it. I thought they were meant... Yes.

What happened to the alien that wanted to dance? And also, Pierre, you'd have seen. Also, you'd think that aliens wouldn't be cut out for things like erecting Stonehenge when they're tiny. Tiny legs. Tiny legs. They don't have much muscle.

No, but I think they, because they've got these massive head brains with the long brain, they probably used the poor caveman. Yes, later. Whoever it was. I think that Eric said they also built the pyramids. So they would take the...

They claimed to everything without hard evidence. Well, he had some good aerial photographs. His argument was you couldn't plan something like Stonehenge if you couldn't look down on it from about 1,000 feet. Oh, interesting. Which always fascinates me that when you think of the past and how different it was, one thing you never think of is people saw virtually everything from no higher than a couple of floors up.

That was as high as they ever went. But it's like saying, you couldn't plan Buckingham Palace without looking at it from a thousand feet. Well, they did. Of course they did did they just drew it. He's not wrong Frank. Are you suggesting that Eric Von Daniken is offering some erroneous arguments in his book about aliens building

the pyramids? Eric Von Daniken can I say was one of those blokes who dressed all in leather and had a monocle and used to carry a riding crop and all. I mean, he absolutely bought into that German stereotype. Oh, right.

A sort of Prussian lunatic. Yeah, like he'd had dueling scars from, you know, from military colleges. I don't know where he... He was a very odd man. The aliens are blue collar, working class, but they cannot do the labor themselves. That kind of thing.

That was, he was quite pro-alien, to be fair. It wasn't true of all German. No, oh, God. I was going to say, could you imagine Donald Trump's reaction to hearing there's a whole new type of Mexican alien for him to worry about? Terrible, terrible people. Could they build a wall? They're found in a mine.

Long heads. Longest heads. Very long're found in a mine. Long heads. Longest heads? Very long. Very long heads. Very long heads. Very, very terrible people. People are saying the longest heads. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Okay. We're still discussing the aliens, Frank. By the way, we had a nice message from Emile Franchi, who is our fellow, our colleague, who was listening to us in McDonald's. He went straight from his show before us to McDonald's, which I love him for, and sent us a nice message that he was enjoying the show.

So that was nice. Do you think he had a happy Emile? Oh. I wonder what his go-to order is. He's in such great shape, I'm surprised he went to a McDonald's. Is he one of those people who's got one of those metabolisms where you can just eat McDonald's and then... That won't last, of course.

The lucky ones. Well, you'll hit 40 and... Explode. Exactly. Well, these aliens had fabulous metabolism. They've got 1,000-year-old rib cages. Yeah. I'm imagining them with a sort of...

Their proportions are rather strange, I find. Well, they're two feet tall. Their heads just keep going off into the distance. Very dry skin. Very, very dry skin. Three fingers. Yeah. So they could still potentially ten-pin bowl.

And measure whiskey. Yeah, exactly. These two things are not beyond them. But a man who has sort of revealed them to the world apparently was involved in a hoax. That's not a good sign. It was debunked. Yeah, he was debunked.

Well, I'll tell you who has come out to slam the claims. Go on. It's the artist formerly known as D. Ream, Professor Brian Cox. Oh, really? Yeah. Has he done it in a sort of slightly high-pitched, soft Yorkshire accent? No, he's done it with that slightly unsettling

Jesus Army smile that he always has. There's absolutely no way these aliens are real. He says they're way too humanoid. He says they're way too humanoid. And then he says... What do you mean, way too humanoid? You say that about everything, Brian. Is a humanoid even a thing?

That sounds like something like... That is Doctor Who. It's a plant nine from out of space. It's a bit Gallifrey, isn't it? But what's accepted in science fiction is that some aliens, you know, have got nine eyes on the end of purple stalks and some have just got like a... They can't bend their little finger.

You know, there's a whole range. Statistically, there must be. He continues. It's very unlikely that an intelligent species that evolved on another planet would ever look like us. Speak for yourself. Yeah, I think that is, that sounds convincing until you actually think about it.

Because if you think that there's a unique set of conditions well seemingly almost unique let's say benefit to other aliens that have created life on this planet distance from the sun and you know etc. Then you'd

feel that if that happened elsewhere to produce life it's quite possible they could develop the same way as us. Yeah. But why aren't they wearing hard hats, Frank? Yeah. Why are you wearing... Oh, that's your hair.

No, he's a lovely man, but, you know, he's probably a bit threatened by this because his programmes are going to look pretty lame if we find out there's aliens knocking about. Going on about the type of gas on something. When we stop being here. Yeah, exactly. When you're going to talk about their little cars. His programmes are going to be interrupted by Citizens of Earth.

Yeah, exactly. Where will you be then, Coxie? No, it's going to be a pretty lame doc, all that stuff. What about, I'm interested in Professor Nick Pope. Who's that? Have you heard about him? He's the... The goalkeeper. I'm interested in Professor Nick Pope. Oh. Have you read about him? He's the... He's the goalkeeper. He's the...

No, not the Newcastle goalkeeper, but a UK... I think they're called ufologists, the UFO people. They don't call them UFOs anymore, do they? They call them Unidentified anomalous phenomenon. UAPs. Yeah.

UAPs. But I'll tell you what Nick Pope said after this. If Pierre doesn't look it up in the meantime, I'm going to hold his hands behind his back. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I'd like to see

a remake of Billy Elliot based around these aliens how would that work? well you know there's an alien who wants to dance oh I don't want a dancing alien oh I like the sound of that you'll not be dancing

no alien son of mine even though they're aliens then they should not perceive themselves sound of that. Oh, I don't. You'll not be dancing. No alien son of mine will keep calling. Even though they're aliens, then they should not perceive themselves as such. They'll keep referring to each other as aliens for the benefit of the viewer.

Well, I can't, what I don't get about aliens, perhaps, I mean, this is much more your area, Frank, than, you know,

let's face it, any of ours, but. Well, I only know fictional ones. I'm not really interested. Oh, as opposed to the real ones. ours. Well, only no fictional ones. I'm not really interested. Oh, as opposed to the real ones. Yeah.

Well, if there were real ones. Bonafide aliens. I just remember that moment from Independence Day when people get on top of the Empire State Building with big signs saying, Welcome Aliens, and they just completely blast them to pieces. Well, that's the problem.

I just find them a bit unpredictable. Yeah, that's the problem. I just find them a bit unpredictable. Yeah, that's true. You never know what you're going to get with these types. And sometimes they're perceived as very sort of benign and friendly and we have much to teach you. And then you get the evil ones. How do you know which one you've got? I suppose you find out if they're the evil ones rather quickly.

But you get the pacemakers because you get the um i used to be the rsc alien ambassadors who like the old guys yes yeah who come and say things like we we come here in peace and we wish to share our civilization with you. They say things like, our world was once like yours. Yes. Driven by conflict. And then they say, we are not so different, you and I. Yeah. That, which I won't even take from an RSC actor. Anyway, Nick Pope.

Yes. Anyway, Nick Pope said, he said, well, I think of Occam's razor when I read about these aliens. That's good for a goalkeeper. Now, I thought of Pierre immediately and I thought, who do I know who would know what that meant? Do you know what it means? Yes. If there is, the simplest solution is probably the the the right one the simplest and most logical answer is probably the answer yes which um in a week where my son went to see an agatha christie i thought that really doesn't work

in whodunit does it no. Because I imagine in the real world, that person who had a massive argument with the victim that same afternoon and was seen running out of town covered in blood, probably did it. Yeah. According to Occam's razor.

Yes. But in a whodunnit, it's never there. I mean, did a real policeman ever say, well, it's a bit too obvious? That's true. The entire genre exists to defy Occam's Razor. Yeah, exactly.

It does slightly interfere with my enjoyment of any Agatha Christie or murder-based thing is just writing off the most obvious characters from the start. And I find that very distracting. Yeah, but the townspeople always hated that guy who's now being blamed. They never trusted him.

They always thought he was a loser. And doesn't it just suit their agenda now to see him as the murderer? Just because it was his knife and he's covered in blood and the guy hated him and he's just bought a train ticket out of town. And his long-standing animosity with everyone involved. And the fact they weren't going out with the same woman just for those minor circumstantial reasons.

Have we learned nothing? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We spoke the other day. You were slamming, to use tabloid headline terminology, the world of orchestra musicians because you saw some that

their big selling point was how they had actually learned the song. Yes, and then it occurred to me. I thought it was very cheating of them to be on script forever. It had occurred to me that classical musicians have just thought, oh, I'll not bother learning it. I'll just read it off the sheet music. Well, so, right of reply. Yeah.

We've got a message from Matt, who's from Litchfield, but lives in Berlin now, having married a German violinist. Oh, that's nice. Moving up in the world. Peppers, please. I like that. That's very romantic. He says, hi, Frank, Emily, and Pierre.

I'm going to give a praise of this. We're in the final link, of course. I played My Wife, Your Podcast, and asked her about the need for sheet music. So this is from the wife this is passed on by matt a classical orchestra may play hundreds of different pieces every season normally a different set each week this large amount of music means there is not enough time to memorize the pieces unless of course your orchestra only focuses on a handful of pieces

i used to do uh when i hosted it's a slight jab there i uh i used to host um i used to do, when I hosted... It's a slight jab there. I used to host a different show every week and did 25 minutes of new material every week, written by me, which they don't. Okay, we've all had a drink. The other point... And also, if you're in a repertory theatre Let's say you're at the RSC You could be doing Richard II one night

Richard III the next The other point that is made Is about making sure that all 60 or 70 people Are synchronised It's more about making sure They're all literally on the same page Well again, this orchestra learnt it And that happens

Only this one piece. If you go and see Hamlet. Look I don't want it all kicking off in the pit. Just one piece of music. I think when people are finally caught they should put it's like I wish the classical musicians would take a leaf

out of the book of the basketball world where you hold your hand up and say yes it was a foul. We've been getting away with it for all these years. Yeah, we've been getting away. Fair cock. That's what I want to hear from the classical music world. Frank, before we go, I need to share this.

You might be embarrassed by this. I should say Emily's holding a massive spliff. For God's sake, Frank. This is from Thomas Hutchinson. You'll be embarrassed. I don't care. The world needs to know this because this is incredible. Dear Frank, I recently received my GCSE results and in English literature, I got an eight. That's between an A and an A star for the older people. Thank you, Thomas. I didn't need that. I did. So did I. I believe I can say that I received this high mark due to listening to your poetry podcast,

which totally helped me understand the poems and learn something about the poets. Before I started listening, I didn't even understand poetry. Your podcast has allowed me to get the message from all the poems. Thank you, Frank, for my high grade. Wow. Well, that's brilliant. Thank you so much. What a strange ending for this show. I know, I'm sorry, but I for my high grade. Wow. Well, that's brilliant. Thank you so much.

What a strange ending for this show. I know, I'm sorry, but I had to share that. That is lovely. We come to the end of another show. It's been absolutely lovely. Thank you so much for listening. Listen again. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.