The Frank Skinner Show - Now Get Out

Episode Date: May 11, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The final show on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. So I got a car in this morning, and have you ever heard this? When the driver does own stuff. What do you mean? So instead of having the radio on,

they have their own music. Oh, that's not DJ. He had stuff which I can't believe that individual people listen to outside of a sort of yoga class. So it was, I saw the album was called The Best of Earl Clue. K-L-U-G-H.

I think it was Clue, I'm guessing. Better all know what that's about. Looks German or Dutch or something but it sounds like the name of an old jazz I'll tell you what

it was more of a modern it was a sort of a smooth jazz oh was it it was that da da do ba boop boop

no it wasn't that it wasn't that good oh don't do that yeah please it was like it was acoustic guitar horrible oh it was

it was yeah it was like sometimes you get it in-hand bookshops, that kind of. Oh, yeah, I know. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Was it ostentatiously relaxing?

Was it trying to soothe you? I don't know what it was. I just thought, what do you do? Do you think front of the car is his territory and he's got all the buttons? Well, I do like a driver who says look, if you want to put your own music on, have you heard that? Give me your phone. Oh, I've done it

loads. I'd love to arrive with a CD and just pass it over when I got in. I did, I gave him my phone we just went through all my music and what I liked is that he was really painfully honest sometimes he'd say, oh I don't like that one so much oh well if i'd have done that with the best of earl clue it would have been a tense journey indeed were you willing to lean forwards and say is this really the best of earl clue yes is Then the worst would be intolerable.

I look forward to being coolest. So speaking of the road, there was an incident this week on tour. Oh, here we go. What happened was me, Pierre, and Omar, our tour manager, were crossing the road in Norwich. Lured by a bookshop. Already I feel there should be some da-da-da. Pierre, who's in the habit of walking around

scantily clad in regional towns, just shorts and a T-shirt guy. There's a woman coming down, I'm going to say an older lady, I hope that's not disrespectful. Probably may even have been my age. And she was coming down on a bicycle. And so me and Omar stopped.

And I don't know what it was with Pierre. He just kept going. I could see, you know, when you draw two straight lines and you know eventually there's going to be a right angle. And there was a collision on the car. And of course what I should have said is, Pierre, look out! But I thought, I'd like to see what happens here.

Because he was like man mounting and then like older lady on bike. The ultimate fight. Anyway, so we just, I don't know, we were both mute in our horror. That sounds helpful. Yeah. Very helpful.

At which point, the old lady went, I mean, exactly like that. She did a sort of eagle's cry. Did she? And so I went, oh, and stopped, and she glided past. But what was strange was that when she sort of performance is this? She did a sort of eagle's cry. Did she? And so I went, oh, and stopped and she glided past. But what was strange was that when she sort of went, oh! What was longer than that? A bit longer.

But the main thing for me was the utterly blank expression with which she screamed. Yeah, she had no look of horror. It was really like it was just her, you know, her substitute for the bell. Completely blank face, just... I feel you've shortened it to make yourself sound like you're a bit sharper in the reflexes. I think you elongated it because it was like it slowed down for you. Because you were no longer froze in the road. Was she...

Everyone remained unharmed, I hope? Yes. Oh, yeah. It was one of those, another block in the wall, something I've been talking about on this show probably for 15 years, that when I was a young man, cyclists were gentle, bookish, the kindest of the civilisation. And once the metal bicycle

clip, which went round the ankle, disappeared, it was replaced by brutes in what is that material? Lourex. What's that thing that cyclists wear? Lycra. Thanks very much.

She might have been wearing Lourex. Might have been why she was screaming. I don't remember what Lu-Rex is. It's just a word in my memory. What is Lu-Rex at 12.15? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, today is our last show ever on Absolute Radio. Just mentioning it, just saying it.

Yeah. Yeah, so in case you don't know, in case you're late to the thing we got... It's a bit late now if you haven't joined us already. Yeah, I wouldn't bother now. It's a bad timing. I'd try Sunday. What's it called, Saturday breakfast?

What's that food thing on the BBC? The one you were banned from. Saturday Kitchen. Saturday Kitchen. Oh, you weren't banned. No, that was Sunday brunch. Well, you weren't actually banned. Can we just say, what happened is you went on

and you started deconstructing them and giving them editorial advice on air. I was merely observing that which went on. What did you say, Frank? Oh, I can't. I said, he couldn't pronounce one of the guests' surnames, and I said I would have checked that before. But I think that's just an old hand offering a kind bit of advice.

I watched it, and you all said, is this live? Yeah, well, there was a bit. Are we on air? Yeah, maybe. It was one of those days. My own mother has texted about lurex. Has she explained what it is? She says lurex is a glittery metallic fabric

used to make evening dresses in the 60s. Well, that's what I cycle in. What's the problem? Well, thank you. Old Marne Valley. I'm sure she'll love being called that. I thought she'd be called if it was set in Brooklyn and it was an Italian family.

Just from Old Marne Valley. Yeah, you could win Old Marne Valley. See, I have to do old timer. I've only got old timer, that's all I've got in my armoury. Earl Clue. I have a very good accent. If you want, maybe watch The Sopranos. They do good accents.

You know we love that, Frank. That's the worst programme that ever happened. I know. Oh, I'd rather listen to Earl Clue. Oh, Earl Clue. Why? Right after being screamed at by this blank-faced cyclist, we went into a very

ancient bookshop. And while you guys, you and Omar went upstairs and I was downstairs. What were they doing? There were more books upstairs. Of even greater dustiness. And you guys had gone upstairs, observed by the lady who ran the shop. I was downstairs, and then another person came in,

and I heard her say, Busy today. Four customers. It's not a small shop, either. I tell you, I've been rushed off my feet. I'm afraid that is the case with second-hand bookshops. Yeah. Oh, I have another strange...

And I think this might have been where the Lurex thing came from. I had that sort of sound in my head. We were driving back late from, I think, somewhere like Dartford, and we saw a sign. Oh, yes. We saw a sign Oh yes We saw a big sign outside a building that said Protext Pest of the Month

German Wasp Pest of the Month But we have to say the size of the sign was a good sort of two and a half metres by half a metre It was a massive sign that should be for a dentist. That is the worst competition in the world. I know.

Best of the month. The best of the month. How depressing. Guess what, guys? New best of the month just dropped. What? German wasp. German wasp.

Who even knew there was a German wasp? I didn't know. A little stinger. Yes. So boss of boss. Yeah. Well, it must be going somewhere if it's pest of the month. It's not a minor irritant.

No. Times are good for the German wasp. Or are they bad? Because I think that's usually a turning point once you get P of the year. Yeah, the best of the month is a kiss of death. Exactly. You're not underground anymore. Yeah, that's the trouble.

It's like winning the Mercury Prize. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding, we were discussing Pest of the Month What, German Wasp? Yeah, German Wasp I think that's a great way to see out the show Pest of the Month Pest of the Month

For a while that was like the BBC Pest of the Month, new one We've heard two texts about veneer of the week oh what's that yeah I love that

412 says hi team praise redacted Pest of the Month is just a poor man's veneer of the week that used to be on the North Circular

it's a huge sign displaying the name of some wood finish or another such as quilted maple which was quite iconic oh I like Bon Voyage

and thanks Jonathan Bon Voyage you know you don't hear Bon Voyage such as quilted maple, which was quite iconic. Oh, I like that. Bon voyage, and thanks, Jonathan. Bon voyage. Do you know, you don't hear bon voyage often these days. No. Abbot voyage, of course, one is. Veneer, what other veneers are there? Well, there's certainly quilted maple.

Would you include formica decorative laminate, or is that something else? Hang on, are you talking about teeth veneers? No, no. Wood. Wood veneers, no. I think the Queen Mother had, didn't she have maple teeth veneers? George Washington had quilted maple. George Washington. He had mahogany.

George Washington literally had wooden teeth. The Queen Mother's just looked like that. Because I think she probably smoked and stuff. Well, it was the Dubonnet. I used to say about the Queen Mother, the reason she lived so long is she'd been toughened up living in all those drafty castles. Yeah, try living in terrible council flats

and why don't they let people live to 100? Drafty castles, that's the secret. Yeah, wind. The secret of long life. Kept alive by the wind. Fantastic. Like a scarecrow. Yeah, a shrunken head.

They are sturdy, though, the posh. A thing happened to us. We're in Norwich. I really like Norwich. I could live in Norwich. Could you? As Freddie Mercury said, I could live in Norwich.

Come on, Wembley! I could live in Norwich. Yeah, come on, everyone! I could live in Norwich. Yeah, let on, everyone. I could live in Norwich. Yeah, let's hear you sing it. People all over the world. There's a guy with a... I could reside in Norwich.

There's a guy with a straw hat and a cider going mental. I like Philadelphia, Pierre. A mirrored tractor comes on, which Freddie drives around the stage. No, I thought it was lovely, Norwich. And then I had a text from Pierre Novelli from his hotel room. It didn't say from the hotel room, Pierre Novelli on the text, saying that we happened to be by 366 to one shot. I think it is a leap year this year.

366 to one shot. We're in Norwich on the, and I'm putting it in inverted commas, feast day of Julian of Norwich. So we went to her shrine. I love that story So we went to her shrine. I love that story. We went to the shrine. It was also, can I say, our kid's birthday. And my sister-in-law's birthday, Rachel.

But yeah, Julian of Norwich. So we went to the gift shop, we had tea and biscuits from the people who worked there. Oh my God, this is a National Trust fest. I'm loving that you're like... I don't think it is National Trust. In case you don't know, Julian of Norwich was an anchoress.

So she lived in a hundred foot square. And don't ask me what that means. People often say to me, how big is your house? I've no idea what people say. Do people say that? How weird. You know when people say things like 300 foot square,

what on earth does that look like? That to me could be a chessboard or the surface of the moon. I have no idea. People say, oh yeah, I'm buying this flat, but it's like, you know, it's 3,000 square. What are you talking about? It's a big flat. Anyway, she lived in a 100-square-foot cell,

and I learned that an anchoress sort of lives in quiet contemplation, but she had three windows on her cell, I was reading. I'll tell you what they were for after this baby. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding your issues with space. Space? Space. Oh, working out what they mean.

Yeah, 702 says, to give some context, a professional snooker table is 72 square feet. Wow, who'd have thought that? That sounds big, doesn't it? That sounds enormous. What about a football pitch? People always use that for measuring. Well, they do, but I don't know what it is.

I don't know either. Well, there you go. I think the max used to be 100 yards by 50 yards for an English. Can I tell you what I use and is quite useful is a swimming pool because you remember doing your 50 metres or whatever. Yeah, people started using that for volume as well. I remember a bloke said to me that if you put a spoonful of sugar in an Olympic swimming pool, a dog would be able to smell it.

Correct. Claire Balding told me that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Claire Balding's a bit of a one for erroneous facts. Why do you say that? Stated with firm conviction.

Only because you and her fell out over the service station. We didn't. I love Claire Balding. We love her, Stephen. Oh, give her a big hug. So, that's all right to say. Anyway, she had three windows, this anchoress, who lived a life of quiet prayer.

Julian. Yeah, Julian, which wasn't her actual name, but she was at St Julian's Church, and no one knows her name. Hang on, so they just gave her the name of the church? Yeah, exactly. Really? Yeah, it could have been worse. It could have been

Westminster Abbey or she could have spelt it IBI. Wouldn't have been so bad. Anyway. That's the name of a political gossip column. Anyway, she had three windows.

Westminster Abbey. She had three windows. Why hasn't anyone done that? That would have been great. Why hasn't someone done it? would have been great why hasn't someone done that because they're not as clever as we are

they're doing politics and they're not as clever as we are sorry everyone so three windows dogs flipping out across the country so we had three three she had three windows.

One was into the church. Sorry, can I just go back on this Julian? I'm a bit confused. Julian. I said Julian. Okay. Has she, was she in prison then? No.

What she did, they already had anchorites and anchoresses would live in a little alcove off the church. Oh. And they'd just live a life of quiet contemplation and prayer. But walled in. They can't go wandering. No. What do you mean they can't?

Who's going to stop them? They're walled in. There's no door. There's no door. There's no door. Oh, that sounds awful. Why would you put yourself through that? It's a bit like Encanto.

We don't talk about Julian, I'm not rich. That's what they used to sing. Instead of hymns, they always began with that. We don't talk about Julian. Let me tell you about Three Windows. Let me tell you about Julian and Arid's three windows. Well, you could trail it because everyone... I could reside in Arid.

So she had three windows. One was into the church so she could get communion. So walled in in brackets with a window for communion. Oh, they popped the wafer through the gap. Yeah, one was onto the street so she could give advice to passers-by.

If you want my advice, wall yourself into a little box. You always say that, Julian. But she lapsed in it. I felt Julian lapsed into booze. She made it a booth. What did she do? Just randomly shut up?

Leave him, he's cheating on you. No, I think people went to her to ask for advice, I think. Through the wall, through the window. But it said, get this, this is the woman who lived a life of quiet... It said the third window so she could speak to her assistant. I thought, hold it! Oh, Julian of Norwich at a PA!

You're supposed to be living a life of quiet contemplation. It's like a Devil Wears Prada. Also, I'm walled into this terrible sound. There's three windows for a start-off. Can I say, Julian of Norwich's life is starting to sound a little bit fabulous. She was the one who said,

all shall be well and all shall be well and all things shall be well. Do you know that? Well, sure, well, if you go on a PA. What did she say? All shall be cell. All things shall be cell. But talk to my assistant,

because I'm a bit busy right now. So the assistant must have come round and said, there's a guy at the consultation window who's having a falling out with his daughter. Can we do Tuesday? Is there anything in the diary? It says here, be in a cell. Yeah, yeah,

I can make that. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That was the life of Riley and we've been living the life of Riley here on Absolute Radio. That's what you'll be getting

in the future. You've been warned. There'll be no Julian of Norwich. Yeah. A few things you were going to hear about. Anchoresses. You've got another thing coming. Who knows? Who knows who's going to replace us? We had a funny good text from 069 regarding

our discussion of anchorites and anchoresses. Oh yeah. We now call them freeloading bums. Oh I see. We now call them freeloading bums. Free, oh, I see. Okay. Very. Can I say, she was probably quite a rich woman, Julianne Floret.

Yeah. So she probably gave a bunch of money to the church to stay in that thing. Yeah, you'd give a lot of money to the church and you'd say, can you warm me up, please? Yeah, exactly. Could you just warm me up the church and you'd say, can you wall me up, please? Yeah, exactly. Could you just wall me up here? I'm very bored of everything else

and I'd like to be in a box. I feel sorry for that PA. I mean, I think she was rushed off her feet. Yeah, we don't know it was a she. You play your cards right, you could get walled up in a box. That's what she'd say to her PA. Oh, thank goodness.

Equality for medieval PAs we don't know it was a she we had a perfect bank holiday Monday by the way my partner and my son and I what did you do? it rained all day

absolutely chocked it down and then we sat down in the evening to watch a documentary about the ramones one of my favorite bands of all time gather around the fireside family yeah and then we got three minutes into the ramones, and me and Kath had a massive argument about pasta. And Boz said, I'm not listening to this. And the three of us went off to separate beds at eight o'clock. That was our bank holiday Monday. A very bleak Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

What was the pasta, Ralph, right? Is that intrusive to ask that? Yeah, it was an argument. I want to go into details, but basically the crux of it was the mixing of packet pasta with fresh pasta and what that does to the timing. Ah. You can see why things got heated,

which is more than I can save for the past year. Yeah, no, what a terrible waste of a bank holiday. But, you know, I've got more spare time on my hands now. I'm just trying to picture how it descended into the storming off. Do you remember one of the final words? Al dente! No, I think it was... You know, it was Kat saying,

I made you a meal, and you dared to... It was all like that. Oh, dear. Oh, hang on, she'd cooked? Yeah, she'd cooked. Oh, there's a whole different spin on it, mate. No, I know, it was a disaster. And it's one of those, we're in the middle of it.

I said, this is a ridiculous... How can we be having an argument about pasta? It's ridiculous. But we were too... Was it that Macbeth says about being too deep into... that wading back to the bank would be no better than carrying on going forward? The stakes weren't over spaghetti. Can I say, Shakespeare put it a bit better than that.

I don't want to put anyone off Shakespeare thinking that was a quote. There's a bit of Macbeth where he and Lady Macbeth argue over pasta. Exactly. I mean, the plot is a bit more exciting than this. Pasta's not very well cooked. No, you're quite right. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. welcome you're quite right this is frank skinner this is absolute radio oh this is by the way frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and pia novelli you can

text the show on 8 12 15 follow us on x and instagram at frank on the radio email via frank at absolute radio.co.uk uh we've heard from our wonderful readers oh yes and can i say thank you so much we've had so many so we can't read them all out obviously but we've had some fabulous messages frank uh what i would say is so many funny, interesting, enlightening texts for the last 15 years. Really, I'm always, whenever people start talking about how much they love their audience, I'm always a bit sceptical. But honestly, that you guys have been the fourth member of the team. And I can't tell you how much you've contributed

to the show so thank you very very much. Next John Hopkins just a quick, got to give Hopkins a mention thanks for all the times you've cheered me up on a drab Saturday morning, life truly is a grotesque pantomime it truly is. Which was one of yours I think

it is and it came back and bit my ass. Oh, okay. Ruth Jordan. Again. Ah, Ruth. Wonderful Ruth. These we have loved.

Read the pastor row. And I don't know about you, but I love a subject line that begins, read the pastor row. Frank has definitely had a worse pasta experience. I seem to remember a story of him going to David Baddiel's house, another of our regulars, and David's cat licking the pasta he was about to eat.

Do you recall? And Dave thinking it was fine. I think the cat was licking the cheese off the top of the pasta. Actually on your bowl? Well, it was going to be mine, and then Dave volunteered to eat it. I think that was the thing, because he's very much a cat person. Well, as being a cat person, and there's licking the... Sounds like he's literally a cat person.

You know when makeup... I don't know if you've ever been... When wardrobe people, sometimes if you get new shoes, maybe you don't know this, but they'll drag a fork down the soles to make them less slippy so you don't fall over. Darling, I worked in fashion a long time. Red carpet, sellotape on the back of the shoes, all sorts.

Well, the old fork scratches, that's what the surface of the pasta looked like where the cat's rough tongue had gone across it. Terrible. Terrible business. I'm so against this. I hate thinking about the cat.

Dave did the honourable thing and he ate that plate and I had the untouched pasta. I took the road less travelled. I had the untouched pasta oh it's all going to be I took the road less travelled I had the untouched I took the pasta

the pasta less cat licked it wouldn't have been such a good poem if it had been colder everyone would have said what do you mean

and they said oh well this one time yeah what would have been great is if I said I took the pasta less cat licked

and no one would have said what is if I said I took the pastoralist Catholic and no one would say what you did. Interesting. I know what a difference it made. You know when people lead you into a question, they say, well, that is the second worst physical experience I've ever had in a hotel room. And you're supposed to say, really, what was the, but I don't. I find that so hard to believe

Frank because I would never describe you as a contrarian. No, thank you. Ultra Mugness again. Yeah. These we have loved. Is there anything to be read into the fact that the night before your last show the UK was treated to a

spectacular light space much in the same way that The Day of the Triffids begins. And also I think at the death of Jesus the sky went dark. Oh, come on, Frank. That's getting a bit much. No, you're right.

I've overstated it. He's so exaggerated it. But there were, yeah, I don't think that the veil of the temple was rent in two as a result of me getting sacked by Absolute. That would have been over the top, Ski. But yes, there was certainly portents and omens appeared in the sky last night to announce the last show

yeah a great dragon ate the sun the gods were unhappy I hate it when that happens on a bank holiday

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Rob has said further to our discussion about shoes four five four we were talking about scoring the back of your shoes well the sole Rob has said, further to our discussion about shoes, four, five, four, and we were talking about scoring the back of your shoes.

Well, the sole. The sole, yeah. We used to do that in fashion with nail scissors, stylists would do it with, stop you slipping about. Or if you wanted to take the shoe back, like I say, a bit of masking tape on the sole so you don't get them dirty. Good thinking. My old grandfather, Pop,

always used to score the soles of our shoes if we had new leather-soled shoes, telling us that he just prevented us from having a serious accident. Lovely. I love the sound of Pop. Grandfather Pop. Yeah.

I did a thing. What's the etiquette? You've stayed in hotels, Emily. I don't like what you're suggesting what I did was I stayed in when the cleaner you know when the cleaner comes and I said just carry on

and there was two cleaners in there so I thought it's ok there's two people you know I'm not going to get framed I thought I suppose okay, there's two people, you know, I'm not going to get framed. I thought, I suppose I could have been. So I just sat there with them. You're so suspicious.

Things that go through your head. You know, people, these freaks carrying your luggage. People hanging around a hotel lobby. Hanging around, working around working sorry this was an Elvis speech but yeah before your time when he got all paranoid

yes but anyway so so two of them came in did they go like this did they go housekeeping it was that thing

so that and no I think they were in I'd gone back to my room they were already you know when you walk and you think, oh no, there's someone in here. And I said, I'm just going to, you just carry on

because I had to do some bit of work. And, oh, it feels, they seem to take an age. And then I thought, will they never go? They took out, you know the extra blanket you get in the wardrobe sometimes? They took that out. No one ever takes that out, do they? Do you know what I mean? In case you're cold in bed.

First thing I do. They took that out. This time of the year. To lay it on. To let them put it on the bed. I thought, now you're just stringing it out. This has become a battle of endurance. Of wills. Are they just saying you look cold? now you're just stringing it out. This has become a battle of endurance.

Are they just saying you look cold? They didn't put it round me. If they'd put it round me that would have made me look like I was waiting for news of the Titanic. Yeah, but it was a real... Are you supposed to leave them to it? I don't know what the etiquette is

but it doesn't feel right. I think what you're supposed to do is just it. I don't know what the etiquette is, but it doesn't feel right. I think what you're supposed to do is just fully lie down in the hotel corridor outside the room with your arms across your chest like a pharaoh. I'll tell you what I have done. I have walked past the tray in the corridor and just took a handful of chips off it.

You have? And eaten them, yeah. And not stopped. Just sort of, you know, dipped. No. Oh, I've done that. The talented Mr Ripley. I've also stopped halfway up the corridor.

I used to do a thing. You know, you sometimes get chairs in the corridors of hotels for no apparent reason. Yes, in case you wanted to sit and enjoy the corridor. Well, I always, I always used to drive Kath mad. I couldn't pass one without sitting down and going, oh, thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to go all the way to the lift in one journey.

What are they doing there? That's just, they don't have room for them in there. Do you know what I dislike is when people put the room service tray out with dome, with silver dome and they put it on the floor. I just think it looks so sleazy. I think that's what you're supposed to do.

There's a lot of things you're supposed to do that are still sleazy. The dome is to stop Frank taking the chips. That's why you hear that clang in the middle of the night. Or you hear me just say in the middle of the night. Or you'll hear me just say to myself, ta-da,

as I lift the cloche. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else? Betty H says, surely now is the time to let us see the Tipton Slashers monkey. You know what?

That's not a bad call. Maybe I will put it up. Betty is not alone. We have had numerous people getting in touch and simply sometimes just saying, Show us the monkey. Okay. Well, look, I can't do it immediately.

I find if ever I'm trying to find, this is one of my worst things. show us the monkey okay well look I can't do it immediately because you know I find if ever I'm trying to find this is one of my worst things I was trying I'm in conversation

with someone and I tell him I met Buzz Aldrin or something and then I got he can take me a day and a half

to find the picture I know but I'll see if I can find I mean this will be quite a moment it's like the Warren Commission in case you don't know I went to the Tipton Slasher. I mean, this will be quite a moment. It's like the Warren Commission.

In case you don't know, I went to the Black Country Museum, which I would very much recommend, by the way. And the Tipton Slasher was a local boxing legend. And he had a pet monkey who he occasionally, when he'd had a drink, used to spar with. And he hit the monkey a bit too hard and knocked him down some stone stairs and he perished. What sort of a world do you inhabit knowing about these?

And Bill Perry, the Tipton Slasher, was mortified that he'd killed his monkey and so he had him stuffed. It's a real faux pas in the boxing world. It is, yeah. But the stuffing was shabbily done. So they've got the monkey at the Black Country Museum, but I found it on a shelf in a cupboard.

It's not on display. It's not what he would have wanted. Stationery. Hang on. Paper clips. Why is it ball tips and slasher then? It's just because he used to cut people up. We're talking bear knuckle fighting now.

I know, it's my great-great-grandfather. He fought a bear. He was arrested for it. He fought a bear? Yeah. I went to the teddy bear's picnic in Cannon Hill Park in Birmingham. And there was a bear. There was a bear that used to do a toilet roll advert.

Oh, the Charmin. Set in the woods, obviously. And he was in a boxing ring with another bloke, and they were wrestling, and an enormous dogfight happened, and everyone watched the dogfight and just turned their back on a man wrestling a bear. It was just like, yeah.

It used to be very common, apparently, bear wrestling. Did it? Yes, I believe so. The tips and slashes, I think, was also known as old cow legs because one of his legs sort of turned inwards instead of people who were less sensitive about that sort of thing. You don't get many font-based nicknames now. No, no, it's almost gone.

Yes, so yes, I will have a look at that, but can I just say, with an adult warning, it's a pretty gruesome specimen. I've got it with a bang, I say. Yeah, exactly. We've also heard from 644, Morning Frankengang,

long-time listener, first time I know, a bit late, texter. Yeah. I'd meant to message for ages to recommend a monastic doom band called Arrow.

A-R-O. How do you pronounce that, Pierre? I'm writing it down. Arrow. A-R-O. How do you pronounce that, Pierre? I'm writing it down. I'd say Arrow. Whose first album? I don't know what monastic doom. I don't either, Pierre. But I'll soon find out.

Doom metal is a genre, and I guess monastic because they're sort of Gregorian charts they're singing. Frank, this sounds like the perfect thing for you. I saw the... Metal and... I saw the Who. Doom and the church. The Who, spelt H-U,

who are a Mongolian band. Yes, they're great. And they play instruments that you've never seen before. Go on. Their first album, Take Up My Bones, close brackets, details the final journey of St Cuthbert's relics. Oh, wow.

To Durham. Combining... From, I think, Chesterloo Street, if I remember rightly. Oh, they always go on about that street, don't they? I think they had King Oswin's head was in the same coffin, just for ease of movement. Yes. And so...

Imagine that rolling about when you're carrying it. Oh, no. 644 feels that they combine Frank's love of history and Frank's love of heavy music and religious history. I'm going to check them out.

Thank you. I think it will be right up your Chester-le-Street. Yeah. I've had some lovely texts this morning from people I know have you? what are they saying? you know about the show

lovely they're not saying free for brunch no they never say that one thing about this show over the last 15 years is i've discovered many characters from modern popular culture that i don't think i would have discovered um like the german wasp not the german wasp that's something that might have cropped up. But this week, I did one of the most dad things I've ever done when I said to my child on the way to school,

have you heard of cat doja? No, you didn't. I did. Oh, my God, how embarrassing. He said, doja cat. And I said, yeah, doja cat. And I said, yeah, doja cat. I'd never heard of her before. But I heard a song of hers called Moo.

Yes. Are you familiar with it? When she moos like a cow, I mean. She does, yeah. Even though she's a cat. Yeah. She is a cat. And also mentions female dogs quite a lot on that track.

I mean, like a hundred times. Yeah. But I did... It's all right when we do it. Oh, exactly. I saw a picture of Doger. No, not Doger, Faf. Doja.

Doja. Oh, yeah, because I remember now, she did a song about how she's always been... Parasite. She did a song about how she's always been... Embarrassing. She did a song about how she's always been very lucky and always landed on her feet called Jammy Doja. Oh, my God. Anyway, she was at the...

You know what the Met Gala is? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think I do. Yeah. OK. Apparently think I do. Yeah. Okay. Apparently there's no swim in there.

What kind of a garlar is it? No bunting? There's no bingo. There's no nothing. Isn't it an Australian parrot as well? A garlar. Great galah. Anyway.

So Doja Cat. You've got to say it a bit more. great galah anyway so doja cat she was you've got to say it a bit more do you know what I mean you're saying it very awkwardly still if I can be honest with you what do you say doja cat

no it's not well you emphasise emphasis on the cat well I don't know you're saying it like Mrs. Cat well I'm still struggling I'm still struggling

with the name you're like doja cat so doja cat I I investigate. Madonna. You know what it sounds like? Madonna.

Jeremy Patman being Dizzy Rascal going, Mr. Rascal. Dizzy Rascal? She was one of, you know when you see these red carpets and there's ladies who are really wearing not very much at all. I mean, really not. As I believe Vic Reeves used to call it, she come out wearing now. Yeah, but the thing is Doja Cat was wearing,

you know, they're sort of, she was wearing one of those body stockings, you know what I mean, which is, I think, they're sort of, she was wearing one of those body stockings, you know what I mean, which is, I think, the least sexy. You get all, oh, man, they're so sort of Amdram Lady Godiva. You know what I mean?

Folds at the knees and all. Oh, God, who thinks that's sexy? It's horrible. And she's in that, like a shower curtain. Yeah. No, but I mean an actual shower curtain. I'm not saying, oh, you're not like a shower curtain. I think she went shower themed.

Well, then she also, she had about three outfits. Yes, I think she wore exfoliating gloves at one point as an accessory. She had a loofer, I don't know. Yeah. As a brooch. She didn't wear. Yeah? She didn't wear the cap. She didn't wear the cap. Can you believe that? But she had a towel.

She had a towel. Round her. And round her head, which I know, I thought of you, Frank. I saw this and thought of you. Because a woman with a towel round her head is one of your favourite looks.

There's a photograph of my partner with a towel round her head. You know, women put enormous towels on their heads and reading Roald Dahl short stories. And it's just such a great picture.

It's my favourite picture. That reminds me, I forgot to look at the Tipton Slasher monkey picture in the break. I'm still on it. That's nice that that reminds you. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure Kath will be delighted. Doja Kath, as I like to call her.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Six, five, double seven. Yes. I was just answering the phone in the 70s. Oh, okay.

Morning to my favourite Saturday morning radio crew. It was Rita Ora in the Lady Godiva slash Newsagent plastic curtain outfit. No, no, no, that's a different... She also was in a Lady Godiva amdram body stocking, but hers was more walked into a betting office in the 70s and the curtain got wet. Exactly. I'm not suggesting that these aren't, you know, beautiful women. To a betting office in the 70s and the curtain got wet. Exactly. The back room.

I'm not suggesting that these aren't, you know, beautiful women. I just think not that. Don't dress in a big... Tracy goes on. I think Frank is right, Tracy. There can be more than one. There was more than one, definitely. And Tracy says,

and thank you for helping me to remember what those wrinkled mesh ankles reminded me of. Long-time listener. About to be forever. Real listener. It was a bit like, Buzz has got a fancy dress Captain Underpants thing and that has got that body stocking thing.

Really? Yeah. I've never been a fan. I know what you mean. So I was reading about the Met Gala. Oh, I can smell the chlorine just talking about it. Because I couldn't work out what this year's theme was. I think it was alarm going off in a hotel.

Oh, was it? Oh, yes. It's found in the towel and the shower curtain. Oh, I find it. It was Sleeping Beauties, wasn't it? Oh, was he? Oh, yes. I had a cloud in the towel and the shower curtain. Oh, I'm fine, Kevin. It was Sleeping Beauty's, wasn't it? Oh, was he? Okay. So, yeah.

You remember that Sleeping Beauty had a fall in the bathroom. Oh, yeah. That's why she was sleeping. Sleeping Beauty knows help is on its way. One of those alarms. I was looking at some previous themes. 1984, Man and the Horse was the theme for the Met Gala. John Wayne in a mesh bodysuit.

Yeah, but Man and the Horse, what's going on? And here is Clint Eastwood in a fabulous bead curtain. I hope there was someone in one of those. Remember the Bernie Clifton when he was sitting on an emu, that thing. I hope everyone went in there. 2018,

the theme was Roman Catholicism. It wasn't. Rihanna wore a papal mitre that year. What on earth is going on? Do you know, it's a travesty that you weren't invited that year. What on earth is going on? It's a travesty that you weren't invited that year. You should have been guest of honour, Frank.

That's crazy. I'd have gone as the child of Prague. Do you know, I would have gone as Julian of Norwich. Stayed home. My PA would have gone on my behalf. I had a lot of wall to get through. You could have got a Papier a Papi Amache cell, they just went round with the three windows.

Three windows, like a sort of bunker. Yeah. Well, you know, the Roman Catholic year was huge for Dolce & Gabbana. Because, as you know, they feature a lot of religious iconography. Do they? Italian, they're your lot, aren't they? Mm-hmm. Okay, all over it.

Yes. Did you see Kim Kardashian, Frank? Oh, God, with this, that, I wouldn't mind getting one of those corsets myself. I might be able to get some of my trousers on. Do you know, it was so narrow, she looked a bit Pest of the Month. It was so narrow.

Yeah. Well, it was a waspy. Was it a German waspy? She's come as a German wasp. She came as German wasp. Yeah, the Playtex best of the month. German wasp is having such a moment this year. And got down to 19 inches.

No, but it did look, her waist looked unbelievable. They reckon it was 19 inches. I mean. She couldn't risk a canopy. No. She'd go't risk a canopy. No. She'd go off like a grenade. She said breathing was something of an art form, wearing that. Yeah.

I bet. I bet. And then what did she do? Julian and Norris couldn't risk a canopy. No. And no, that was remarkable. The weird thing is, I looked at the pictures and I thought, well, that's the best dress.

That dress is absolutely beautiful. And it was Katy Perry's who wasn't there. And the whole thing had been done with AI. So now I'm thinking AI is the future. Don't forget this morning's texting. Who would you like to replace us on Saturday morning? Don't dream it's over by Crowded House. There's definitely some liminal messaging on the...

Did they put that on for us? Cheeky. Yeah. Cheeky. Cheeky. Don't dream it's over. This is Frank Skinner. I'll never say this again. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Take that paper and frame it, please. I had a nice Andrew or Andrea. A person whose name begins A-N-D-R sent me,moned by Bells,

a secondhand copy of John Betjeman's biographical poem. Lovely. What about that? Somebody, we used to talk about idiotic eureka moments on the show where you realise something after, you should have realised it before, but you didn't. And the example I always used to give was on the BT advert, there was a woman called BT, and I never got it.

And Ollie Rogers sent me... Do you know Ollie Rogers? No, but thanks for the tip. He sent me a signed photo of Maureen Lipman as BT. That'll be worth a bit on eBay, Frank. Yeah. And something I'm very, very excited about is someone has sent me three copies of,

the first three copies of a comic graphic novel thriller called The Cancel House. Oh. Oh. Okay. Which is where the show will be living, obviously. After this. We've been cancelled. We've been cancelled in the best way of getting cancelled.

We don't want to be cancelled for being rude. No. No. Is that what people get cancelled for? For being rude? Yes. In a way. I thought so. No. Is that what people get cancelled for? For being rude? Yes, in a way. I thought so. Yeah.

We've had some reactions to the Tipton Slashers monkey. Oh, yeah. Oh, did you put the picture up? Oh, yeah, I put it up. To hell with it. Or did you get your Julian of Norwich PA to do it? Well, Jenny Foot did it, who was our assistant producer. Hilly Fawes has replied to the image on Twitter saying,

bittersweet moment. Which I think is a really funny reaction to a picture of a badly taxidermied ape. That's probably what the Tipton Slashers said when asked about accidentally killing his monkey. And you accidentally killed your monkey, didn't you? Bittersweet moment, yeah. Or bittersweet moment.

Bittersweet moment. Mon, mon. Or bittersweet moment. Bittersweet moment. Mon, mon. Yeah. Jenny thought, of course, she didn't join the show. When did you join the show, Jenny? September. Yeah. It was going great until she came along.

Yeah. Thanks, Jenny. Yeah, thanks, kiss of death photo. So, no, we love Jenny. We love Jenny. Thanks, kiss of death photo. No, we love Jenny. We love Jenny. We also got an email from Tom about, the subject line is somewhat ominous,

things Emily has said while on the show. Just as we were talking about the house of cancellation. Here, Tom says, Hi, just wanted to get in contact before the show ends yep I'm an animator and while working I often listen to the podcasts I like doing this

and I've noted down everything Emily has declared her hatred for see below I want to make it clear I love the show but Emily's declarations

of hatred always make me laugh and this is meant in the same spirit as Kath's colleague giving her a letter noting everything that had given her a headache

oh wow that's a long time. Yes, when Kath worked at Channel 4, the guy who she worked next to wrote down every ailment that she mentioned, which is big. It's like being a medieval scribe. And the one I remember was headache caused by wearing a stripy dress. So we have a list of things Emily hates.

First on the list, creased clothes. The top three, well not top three, but first three I should say. Creased clothes, dreams, ventriloquist dolls. That's quite a good combination of things. Seeing people who jerk awake on the tube. That's quite a good combination of things.

Seeing people who jerk awake on the tube. That's a great one. Oh, God. Come on, give me some more. Tokyo. Tokyo. Oh, no. Shaking hands. People in costumes dancing.

This could be a poem of some people's loves. Oh, dear. Frank's tip about buttering the outside of a bacon sandwich. Oh. I don't even remember. I don't either. That speaking clock was called Tim. I didn't like that.

No. Oh! I think that's fair enough. Okay. Yeah. I remember the fact that it was sponsored by Acurist is what I didn't like. I didn't like the actor doing it, bless him. I know we all need a job,

but he goes, sponsored by Acurist. I didn't like the irony. I think one of the reasons given for this show being axed was that it never got a sponsor. Oh, yes, that was a mistake, probably. But, you know, has there ever been any sponsorship which hasn't partly degraded the product? One last excellent.

8, 12, 15? People who had set squares at school. Oh, yeah. I didn't like that. You're right. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anna Banana's done the best reply to the Tipton Slashers monkey image.

Go on. It had no choice. Which is, of course, Frank? It is the inscription from the animals who went to war monument. They had no choice. And when I told Frank that Ray became my support dog, after some personal issues, Frank said he had no choice. He was just brought in as a service animal.

We were discussing the Met Gala, Frank. Oh, yes. And some of the outfits on display, including Kim Kardashian, who had, we think, possibly a 19-inch waist and had made a strange fashion decision. She'd thrown a sort of boyfriend's cardigan over her look. I don't know if you saw that. Kim Cardigan?

Oh, God. Oh, jeez. And people were commenting it looked very old. It was bobbly, Frank. Oh, really? I mean, you should defuse before the carpet. I thought the Kardashians would have not kept anything more than a couple of days.

I think this is the point, though. It was meant to look very retro. She said it was an old cardigan that she'd genuinely throw. It was a boyfriend's cardigan, an old boyfriend's cardigan. She'd genuinely thrown it on over evening wear. You know, as Wanda's, we've all been there. But she was bobbly. Yes. On the been there but she was bobbly yes on the red carpet yeah is there not some sort of ritual punishment in the world of fashion for this unless you're deliberately bobbly you don't want to be bobbly can i tell

you one detail i did enjoy reading about was that anna wintour had banned a certain food item from the menu at the gala I read this and thought of you oh yeah and it was

onions, chives and garlic yeah all banned and also Donald Trump yes who's the only human being

to have been banned from the Met Gala was he genuinely banned yeah he's probably banned it's a shame because he had a marvellous corset. Oh, no. Such a narrow waist he had ready to debut.

I think he'd go for the body stocking. Yeah. I don't know if they sell body stockings in that colour. Sort of deep burnt orange body stocking. He always wears a tiny thin tie. Very long thin tie. Long thin tie. Me and Omar

torture Pierre on tour because he does he does a very good Donald Trump. You know when you know someone do you remember

I said the other week the seagull boy. Oh yes. For the rest of his life people will say come on do the seagull. So we keep we keep pushing

Pierre into doing a Donald. Does he cooperate? Generally speaking, is it my pay? Yeah. Oh my God, Frank. I mean, Dem's the fact. Do you think Julian of Norwich's PA had to put up with this?

What would Julian of Norwich constantly demanding impressions for the guy? Do Henry I. To the venerable Bede. Do your Bede. We love your Bede. Oh, do your Bede. I've told everyone about it. Calculate Easter in the way he did it. Be it a silly way. I've got a boo's appointment. We can talk about this later.

And there she goes to the other side of the tiny house there's a guy saying i'm unhappy at work what do you do well i'm a surf well that's it then i'm afraid the other day we all tried it, Cod Roe. Oh God, did we ever. We uploaded the fabulous picture of Cod Roe, which I think had a more negative reaction than the Tipton Slash's monkey. I think people would rather we'd cut off a little bit of the ape and had a nibble. Has anyone ever been called Cod Roe?

If your surname was Roe, I don't think you should call your child Cod. No. Just saying, anyone's out there. that's one of my last messages to you do you remember Erica Ro the rugby streaker I do remember her she would have the option to call her child Cod I suppose

in order to make it not the most embarrassing thing about yeah exactly they don't get much work these days the streaker what was great about Erica Rose she had a thing that is so sort of 70s when she did

is that she had a broken cigarette you know when people have a cigarette in their mouth hanging down she had one of those sort of the universal

symbol for inebriation it was the musical drunk used to have one of those musical drunk and the rugby streaker. Yes.

So, Parson, A.I. A.I. Parson, Al Parson, gets in touch and says, I couldn't help but wonder, after hearing about the Cod Row the other week, where if he had known about it, Frank's dad, on preparing for a visit to a particularly rough part of town,

would have put a little in his pocket in the place of the usual salt. Oh, yes. A little more precision needed in throwing, but vastly increased impact. It was. In case you missed that episode, it was the saltiest thing. It was a little bit saltier than salt. Yeah, I think so. The cod roe.

It was biblically salty. Here's a question, another popular culture question. When did the jump rope get its name? I saw in a shop seven-foot jump rope, and it was a skipping rope. Oh, yeah. It's Americanized. Skipping is seen as a bit of a... Oh, is that an American thing?

It's an Americanism. The skipping scene is a bit of a... Oh, is that an American thing? It's an Americanism. The jump rope is what they call skipping. Oh. Oh, they try and make it sound more cool. But jump rope is the game with two people, like one person holding each end of the thing. I don't know their games. You know, like in the playground.

The kangaroo show there is called Jumpy instead of Skippy. Kangaroo had a bit too much red bull. Just this slightly twitchy, nervous, neurotic marsupial. But I think when they do boxing training with skipping in America, they still call it skipping. And it's just on your own.

Come on. No consistency. Sort it out. Okay. Frank, we've also been sent a missive from Rowan. Midweek Rowan got in touch, called haircut woes. Hi gang, regarding Frank's haircut woes, perhaps he needs to find himself a traditional barber.

That's in quotes. Okay. My local has a sign opposite the chair which reads, please note, I am a traditional barber. I don't do skin fades or silly haircuts oh 15 years worth of praise redacted that's rowan that well it's no good me going there is it that's a person who's just gonna do what he thinks you should have he's even more restrictive yeah traditional i don't do silly haircuts. Well,

that's a bit of a sliding scale, Frank. There is a debate to be had there, I think. Yeah, perhaps he does do silly haircuts. By the way, Pierre will know about this because he knows everything, but I once had Christmas lunch up the Eiffel Tower. And it's one of the most unpleasant experiences

of my life. Why? Because... I mean, it's taken you a most unpleasant experiences of my life. Why? Because... I mean, it's taken you a while to bring this up. No, well, I just thought this is my last chance to ask Pierre on air about this. Okay. So, there was nothing in there,

no Christmas decorations, nothing. And it was stark, and it was like you could see all the girders on it and stuff. They don't like holy and zip-a-sheekle. But you're aware of the fact that you're on the Eiffel Tower. You can see the big struts and all

that. And it reminded me of when you see people having their lunch on girders during the building of the Empire State Building. In those posters you can always get an Ikea. Yes. Now, what I was going to ask you, Peter, as the font of all knowledge, as they say,

is are they real, those pictures of guys sitting on a girder having a lunch? Those are real, as far as I'm aware. Are you treating him like he's an oracle at Delphi or something? I mean, there are limits to what this man knows. That's how we do treat him, on tour. But it was really unpleasant having lunch up the Eiffel Tower, sitting on a girder having it out of a...

I can't look at those posters, they make me sick. They would just walk around up there. I was sitting on a girder having it out of a... I can't look at those posters. They make me sick. They would just walk around up there. But what about their dangly little legs and their terrible faulty shoes? And their solid metal lunchboxes. To be able to sit there is one thing, but to eat while you're doing it. To eat a sandwich.

Oh, it's disgusting. LAUGHTER It's disgusting. That was beautiful. That was Han with We Were 17 and it's the last song that I will ever play on Absolute Radio that I've chosen myself. So I'll miss that, I must say. It is the last show today, as we've said before. There's a game.

I don't know if other people play this, but I always play the sort of time cylinder game. Do you remember Blue Peter put things from early Blue Peter into, what are Peter into time capsules and buried them. And then about 30 years later they dug them up to see and rain had

got in and it was just Papier Mache, horrible rusty water. Papier Mache are very appropriate for Blue Peter then. But I always think, and you've got to imagine you've got a small time capsule, what would you put in from your career if they found it in a thousand years' time and they thought, you know, what was their career like?

What would you put in? Definitely this show, I have to say. I am, well, pride is a sin sin so I can't do that but I really like it someone better tell the organisers I yes I don't mean

they've been told oh no that's close Frank Skinner says pride is a sin it's been a real pleasure to broadcast over these 15 years pride is a sin. I mean, it's been a real pleasure to broadcast over these 15 years. Pride's a sin. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Is this the face of evil? The Daily Mail. Me on telly trying to get round it saying, no, it's not actually pride that's a sin. No, I don't mean... I'm speaking purely in a biblical sense. I really must exist. Kill him now.

Shame, shame, shame. Anyway. I keep thinking that one of the King's representatives is going to arrive with a last-minute pardon. There's no sign of them yet on the horse. I don't think it's going to happen. I should say, outside the studio, there must be 10,000 people blocking the street.

It's very moving indeed are they protesting? there's no one out there at all we could have paid someone, we should have done that we could have hired extras you know when they have those banners on Brookside going down with it now, slightly too

well written by the crew yeah like the protest at the end of it's a scene when there's like six people but you know the placards say

things like no more they're expensive extras you know you start with so yeah there's that

that do you want to plug anything I should say these guys have got other products they're not disappearing I've got a book

coming out yeah Pierre's got a book coming out that would be what's got a book coming out. That would be... What's it called, Pierre? It's called Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? Yes, well, that's because they've been taken from you. No, no, I've read it.

It's absolutely brilliant. It is fine. Oh, thank you. And in fact, I gave him one of those quotes. You know, those quotes you give people to put on the back. What did you say? Sin. I said...

Yes. Yeah. Steep sin. Sinfulness, I think it was. He would have used that one if I'd given him that. I've given people a few of those and they just never use them. Really? What do you say?

Things like needs a bit of work. Not bad. Not the worst thing I've read. Not bad for what it is. I know Pierre's book is very fine. You gave me a lovely quote. It came in very useful. Thanks for that.

Thanks very much. Oh, nice things I have done. Let's end the show with... Now, we've got another link to go. Don't go yet. I'm anticipating tears. Ha. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Champagne Supernova by Oasis. We come to the last link of the last show after uh 15 years on absolute radio so um again i thanked our readers before but honestly the um just funny interesting Just funny, interesting, informative, honest. You've triggered off, sort of entire shows have been based on one funny text or email. I shall miss you. I suppose I see you as one group. But as I said, you've totally been the fourth member of the team. Speaking of all the members of the team,

Jenny Foote is our assistant. She was the bad luck charm that brought down the House of Cards. Bad luck bear. Poor bad luck bear. Poor old Jenny was to come in and then the show left. So she makes films so you should you should google Jenny Foote

and you know when she's like Tarantino level you'll say oh I saw her stuff early on there is a Dylan Thomas

poem about an old man being obliterated in an air raid you see the analogy that's a lovely thing to end on for 15 years this wonderful an old man being obliterated in an air raid. You see the analogy? That's a lovely thing to end on.

Why are you going to end on 15 years of this wonderful experience which has frankly changed my life, as have you, may I say. And you're ending it with a story of an old man obliterated. Yes, because that poem ends with and a hundred stalks perch on the sun's right hand. And it's on about stalks representing birth. Life goes on. And our producer, Sarah, is going off to have a baby, which is fantastic.

And let's face it, more important than this. And we wish her, don't cry. Don't cry. Sarah was a fan of the show originally, wrote us we read it out she and then became the producer i've watched uh we were at a wedding you know i've announced i've announced the birth of my child on this show it's been uh for 15 years it's been sort of my diary my radio diary Pierre thank you so much you've been on it now a long 2-3 years

something like that you've been great thanks to Alan Cochran who was on before who never got the ending he deserved I'm sorry about that but thank you to him I hope he's at least got a tiny bit of pleasure from us being dogs.

I would not blame him for that at all. Fair enough. I can't mention everyone who's hosted the show without tears, so you know that. And yeah, so I have to say, of course, at my side throughout this has been Emily Dean, and without her, the show would have been, you know, all right. But she has been a key component.

We'd have done 15 weeks if it wasn't for her instead of 15 years. Emily, honestly, you've had me laugh so... Oh God, this must be terrible radio. Good, let's make it past. Yeah, let's end on a low. Really, you've been, honestly, I can't

say how important. I was offered this job. As I walked home, I phoned Emily in the park and said we do this radio show with me and she said oh thank god we never had sex otherwise we wouldn't be friends i'm so sorry no no it was a good point but you've got to pick a line it's very important But you've got to pick a line. It's very important.

We picked the friendship line and it's done us 15 years. Good advice. I'd like to thank Absolute Radio, who I know they don't love me anymore, but when they did love me, it was great. For 15 years, they gave me one of the most joyous jobs I ever had. And now we're in this big posh premises. It's like I think they've met a younger girl.

It feels like a midlife crisis to me. Move to a big posh place. Soon the logo will be changing. You know what I mean? There'll be an open top sports car. It's the Leonardo DiCaprio. Never passed 27. No, we've passed 27. That's the cut never passed 27 well i've certainly passed 27 and um it's no longer

registering on my sat nav so look um thanks for all the people who've sat in as guest hosts over the year you know there's loads of you uh zoe lyon steve hall etc etc, etc. I would thank all the guests, but in the main, I fear they've let me down. But there's been some good ones, but, well, I've got time to mention them because it wouldn't take long, but I'm not going to. He wasn't good until the end.

But you know what thanks for there's been so many letters messages, cards to the point it's made it hard to read out things that aren't about the show and that has been brilliant

I'm sorry we're leaving you guys it's pretty well documented I don't want to go. And I, yeah, I'm sorry I'm leaving, but I'm not leaving as the boot print on my trousers proves. So Emily Dean, as you know, has got a fabulously successful,

brilliant podcast in which she walks a dog and talks to celebrities. Listen to that. Pierre's got a podcast with Phil Wang called Bod Pod. And he's got a book coming out. So, you know, things are happening. And I've spent my redundancy money on Lego Avengers building.

And that, I think, will take me through to eternity. You've been the best audience ever I can't do the we'll be back next week because we won't we'll never be back but I love you all

bye bye Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.