The Frank Skinner Show - Obviously, Milk

Episode Date: October 22, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. The team discuss the coffee shop with a politeness policy, fuzzy felt and evocative smells.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. OK, I was speaking to a friend about shrinkage. Oh, yeah? And I didn't know this, but did you... What's happening? Is something happening in the studio? What's going on?

It's all right. I'll be completely honest. My headphones had broken. But they seem to be working now. I have, you know, these things happen. That was terrible. There was gesticulation. You know when actors say,

can you not stand in my eye line? It's a bit like that. Christian Bale. Anyway, so, shrinkage. I had no idea. Here's a bit like that. Christian Bale. Anyway, so, shrinkage. I had no idea. Here's a question. What's felt? Do you mean in terms of the material?

Yeah, the material felt. Not just emotions. What is felt? What is it made out of? Yeah, did it happen? Pardon? It's made out of felt. No, I'm afraid it becomes felt.

Oh, does it? I didn't know this, I was told. But, you know, felt has been around my whole life. Yes. I had no idea what it was. When did you first get introduced to felt? Because obviously Fuzzy was my intro. I'll tell you what happened.

I was talking to a female friend about shrinkage and she pointed out that she'd put a jumper in the wash that week and it had come out like a tiny teddy bear jumper you know and that's all and i've said whenever i've seen shrinkage in wall it becomes so sturdy it does its smallness is accompanied by sturdiness like like napoleon who we were talking about earlier yes and she she said to me that's because felt is shrunken wool ah Ah. Well, who knew? I did not know that. No, that was... And I've grown up, you know, felt, I have to say,

when I was growing up. It was quite a big deal. Yeah. The world of children's games when I was growing up, it was based on felt, built on felt. I used to see games with that. Subute, was that felt or was that sort of... It would have been a felt pitch.

It was a sloppy felt, that one. I don't know, that was one of the lesser felts. That was like the brushed denim of the felt world. Who can forget, though, those of you who ever knew it, Fuzzy Felt. Fuzzy Felt, I who ever knew it Fuzzy Felt Fuzzy Felt I was I was very committed to Fuzzy Felt

that was a big I had all of them that was a big deal did you have the farm? I had the farm I bought the farm you bought the farm do you know Fuzzy Felt

Pierre you're looking like what are you talking about Frank what about the Fuzzy Felt hospital I mean I wouldn't have wanted to go in there for any serious procedures no but it was something else the thing the fuzzy felt hospital i mean i wouldn't have wanted to go in there for any serious procedures no but it was something else the thing that it was what was it was a piece of felt okay

that's it really it's not with some smaller pieces of felt cut into the shape of things par example of par-example animals for the Fossey Felt Farm, and you stop them on. Now, for me, the distinctive thing about Fossey Felt was that it was no Fossier than any other felt. There was no Fossey Felt. No, I don't know why it got that nickname, unless the person who invented it was very nearsighted. And eventually they took them to one side. unless the person who invented it was very nearsighted.

And eventually they took them to one side. They said, look, like this week, we've had Fozzie Slinky, Fozzie Snakes and Ladders. What you need, Paul, is an eye test, mate. And also, Frank, wasn't it essentially, was it Fozzie felt or was it Velcro felt? Oh, I don't think there was any Velcro felt or was it Velcro felt? I don't think there was any Velcro. It was quite Velcro-ish. It was adhesive, but it hadn't got those horrible,

you know the hairs of a fly's leg that constitutes Velcro. It hadn't got that horrible. Little hooks. Anyway, this morning's texting. What's the difference between felt and baize? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Any felt responses? No.

There should be. Do you know what? I've got faith in our readers. Yeah. I think I can see them knowing their way around a bit of fuzzy felt, Noddy. Are you familiar with the... This is something that one here said now and again, is that people say,

oh, whenever I smell blah, blah, it takes me back to Vienna. Even I was with... Someone was talking to me about when they got off a plane in somewhere like Kuala Lumpur and they smelt the honey, I don't know, some flowers or other. And they said whenever they smell them, they're back in Kuala Lumpur. You know, that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you guys have any of those, but I used to work, when I left school, I say left, I worked in factories for a few years and it was a life of getting up at six in the morning, wrapping your sandwiches in greaseproof paper, standing at the bus stop in the dark and then spending eight hours amidst Swarfiga and the buzz of lathes. And it was, I don't look back on it with any joy,

it was in many ways brutish, but whenever I bleed a radiator and inhale that air that comes from it, I'm back in the factory. Oh, man, it's such a time travel thing. that air that comes from here I'm back in the factory oh oh man it's such a time travel thing that sort of metallic yes

metallic yeah oh man it's a lovely industrial smell it is oh man I'm back in Oldbury with me overalls on

I do feel that I mean obviously milk obviously milk wait obviously milk that would be? Wait, obviously milk? That would be a great band name. It's a new Oasis album. With a comma, with a comma.

Obviously, obviously comma. I am immediately transported to a very small desk and very small chair in primary school. Really? Are you not? Oh, because when the days of free milk at school. The warm milk. I thought you were too young

to remember that. But I do find also certain cleaning products are very proustian for me. There's the Philippines. I can't smell any sort of bleach without thinking of the Philippines

because everywhere smelt like that. Did you? Everywhere smelt quite bleachy. Smelt like bleach. Perhaps someone had been scouring the country for something. We should explain Proustian. Oh, I do apologise.

He's a French bloke who wrote a book about having a... It's a cake, isn't it? Madeleine. Is that a cake, a Madeleine? Yeah, like a little cupcake and stuff. And he tastes it and the memories come flooding back. Is that right?

Yeah. I've got there with rain on hot tarmac, which is an unusual... That sort of evaporating rain. Petrichor. Petrichor. Yeah. That's South Africa for me because it's one of the only places where you get hot rain. Petrichor. Petrichor. Yeah. That's South Africa for me

because it's one of the only places where you get hot rain. Oh, I see. Very rare to smell that in the UK, obviously. I only know the word Petrichor because it was used as a password in a Doctor Who episode once. It's very Neil Gaiman.

Yes. It might well have been the Doctor's Wife even written by Neil Gaiman. Oh, there we go. Frank. Who can say? Fuzzy Felt. Lots of people, lots of men my age can say.

Carry on. Fuzzy Felt News. OK. 530. Did he? 530. It's the board that's fuzzy. I'm giving this tone that's perhaps not there.

No, I like that. It's the board that's fuzzy, not the felt. Fiona from London, en route to a West Room. What? For a birthday breakfast with Barbara. Well, if it's the board that's funny, not the felt, why is it called fuzzy felt, not fuzzy board? That's my, that's another question.

Oh, the questions are coming. So many questions, so few answers. But I think it was... Was it Jimmy Cliff who said there are more questions than answers? Was it? Could have been. You're only adding to the problem with that sort of thing. No, 8.12.15.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, our readers are enjoying this Fuzzy Felt. We've got some Fuzzy Felts and some smells coming in. Oh, OK. Ruth Jordan, after Frank's vivid description of factory life, I think he should contact the Fuzzy Felt people about making a Fuzzy Felt factory set. Oh, yes.

The little man in overalls based on himself. The box could be impregnated with swarfiga. Yes. And radiator water for added authenticity. That would be, yeah, sort of... There used to be a sort of smell around thing, didn't those things... I think it was experimented with in the North American cinemas where they would send in the smells of things

that were happening in the film. Smell-o-vision. Yeah. Didn't catch on, obviously. Well, that's a nice idea. I'd like Fuzzy Felt Factory would have been okay. You could have the toilet with the labourers hiding in there like we used to.

We've had a lot of people getting in touch saying they find wet leather very evocative. I know you're a fan of that as well with your friends in the S&M community. Yes. When I met the nose of Dior. Oh, of course, the nose of Dior. I apologise. There were two noses I met. I met the nose of Dior.

This was the nose of Vuitton. He's a different man. Can you just briefly explain, in case anyone doesn't know, what a nose is in that context? A nose is in the fragrance industry. A nose, essentially, that's what they specialise in, is they sometimes insure their nose for a lot of money. But they are olfactory.

So they can literally, they can smell perfume and say, oh, there's a bit of sandalwood in this. They're olfactory specialists. So they worked in an olfactory as well. I worked in an old factory. Yeah, what was, I mean, when one of those guys, when they bleed the radiators, it must be like being thumped in the face.

Man. Can you imagine one of those guys? You know, those, oh, no, you see, I must just go and bleed the radiator. As if they'd even know what it was. It's one of my last sort of male domains, bleeding the radiates. Well, that's why, Frank, they will. So leather, I remember the nose of Louis Vuitton had said leather was very evocative. People really responded to the smell of leather.

So there was a perfume he'd created where they had used aromas, trying to recreate the smell of old leather suitcases really i always wonder if balls smell wet leather in a thing they'd go absolutely crazy i always wonder how they get the smells into things where you sort of in my when i was a kid i'd hear this stuff and i'd think is there there just a big pot where you're boiling old suitcases? And maybe this will do it. I think maybe. Oh, that's a terrible image.

Because I love luggage. Oh, yes. So much. Unwheeled. Yeah. And the idea of... I once went to somewhere like Christie's and there was a man called Bonnie something, he was called.

Oh, I love the sound of him. Yes, he was a sort of a, he was a socialite. Of course he was, he was called Bonnie. Yeah, and I bought several of his old suitcases. I bought about five, yeah. Lovely, sort of sloppy, like sort of things you'd see at Hogwarts with people's belongings in.

Yeah. Fabulous. Wouldn't you find it satisfying to sort of shot put or discus an old suitcase into an enormous industrial vat? No. To spin and hurl the thing into this boiling pot? I had a friend who worked in the dyeing shop at the Royal Opera House,

and I went to see her once, and she was just in a bra and pants and a pair of dungarees with a massive sort of kneading stick over a steaming cauldron, sweat dripping off her, making some perfectly nice costumes look old for the peasantry. And I thought, that looks like hard work. I imagine the suitcases when you've got things like buckles and stuff to be dealing with. Awful.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One thing that we don't get the chance to talk about enough is music, because we're spread across the decade channels everyone who listens to this on absolute 80s or noughties it gets different music so we don't really get a chance to talk about what we're playing however, I thought it'd be nice to have a sort of musical texting so I don't know what you think about this

but what I was looking for was unexpected politeness in song lyrics love that and i don't know how much of it is about but i was struck by the day i was listening to a bit of hendrix when in the middle of a crazed sort of visionary song he says excuse me while I kiss the sky off it's very polite so polite Jimmy now there's something

like very maverick and wild about him but still very polite yeah ex-military of course Jimmy yes so someone sort of

doing an enormous guitar solo with some lyrics that end with if you please just any unexpected politeness in a song lyric

I'd be happy with regarding Proustian smells the agent has tweeted us oh he's been in touch about time and they say the smell of a

Glaswegian close which meant I was visiting my gran or the smell of a Glaswegian close, which meant I was visiting my gran, or the smell of a Glaswegian close. Did they do that joke? Oh, that's your joke. Let's just get the credits right. That's right.

It sounded like a euphemism. A Glaswegian close has got a distinctive smell. According to the agent. I can't imagine what it is. I don't like the agent that sounds like someone who was buying a flat according to the agent it's a glass region close like someone who's about to who's been hired to kill me exactly i don't like the age i mean i don't know i like the agent i just don't know i'd like to

know what a glass region close smells of as well. Is there some particular sort of plants or trees that are popular in Glasgow or suburban areas? There aren't, no. Is it going to be some sort of, you know, stereotype,

the smell of whiskey? Sort of bagpipes. Deep fried Mars bar, is that what's going to come out of this? When you bleed your bagpipes, the air that comes out Frank. When you bleed your bagpipes, it will be forever. Al Sherwood, grinder dust, which is the smell,

the smell creates when cutting concrete with a power grinder, is so, I love how specific Al Sherwood is. It's so super... I thought grinder dust was the magic that comes from secret encounters. Okay, we knew what you thought. So what is it again? It's so super distinctive. It's the smell created when cutting concrete with a power grinder.

Wow. It's so super distinctive and it instantly takes me back to 20 years working on laying patios with my dad. Anyone who knows that smell will testify how recognisable it is. Well, I was talking to a ghost tour marshal this week. And he was saying that many of the constituents of... It's the Marshall. Many of the constituents of red brick and concrete are also present in videotape.

And he thinks thus there is a possibility, and apparently this is a widely held view in the occult, well, I suppose there'd be the non-occult world. Yeah. Scientific slash occult world, that that is what ghosts are. They have been captured by this material because it's got the same stuff as videotape.

So people are recorded by substances in the brickwork. I asked him if he was familiar with the canine celebrity Scooby-Doo. And the conversation drizzled away after that. drizzle do i after that frank skimmer absolute radio dr thomas the smell associate professor in psychology dr thomas on the smell of the filler that is used to fill holes in cars created by rust in the 80s and 90s my granddad used to be constantly sorting his car out to the point where half his car was filler. I know the feeling here.

The whiff of it always... I've done TV shows like that. Can't remember what they smelled of. Well, I can, but I can't say it on air. Yeah. The whiff of it always reminds me of my grandad. That's nice. Isn't that lovely yes and how nice to hear a positive smell associated with the elderly yes um well some other elderly smells g uh gaz potsy nivia hand cream my grandma always used to wear it especially in the evening

oh why the evening oh strange times see you know what I've said to you? The robe. I've never worked out the window for when you wear the robe. Hand cream. I was once almost locked in my own toilet. I applied hand cream because we'd been washing our hands a lot because of the global pandemic. And I put hand cream on.

And then I couldn't get any purchase on the handle and I thought oh my I'm trapped I'm trapped in here and that's the problem is you've constantly got those terrible grease I'm with you on that I don't know how often trapeze

artists also I'm slightly phobic about I've got a slight aversion to people rubbing their hands together. Like scheming? Well, I don't, exactly. It is a bit cartoon greed. So I think maybe I'm just, I don't know, I'm automatically biased. I'm an unconscious bias against it.

It's a bit sort of despicable me. I don't like it. Yeah, especially if you're on a plane flying back, so from the West Indies at the moment, and you can hear, in first class, it yeah especially if you're on a plane flying back so from the west indies at the moment and you can hear in first class and you can hear that big blonde bloke doing it just behind you rubbing his hands and cream accompanied by a low sinister chocolate i don't like it when uh when i put hand cream on i don't mind them doing it but don't do it in front of me. Nivea cream, did that,

was that the one that became a sort of underground mosquito repellent? Do you remember there was a... I don't dwell underground, I don't know. There was a cream, there was just like a moisturiser and people found out that it,

they started using it in the military, I think, to repel mosquitoes. Could be. Faye's nodding. Do you know what it was, Faye? Okay, Faye's not nodding anymore. Avon.

Sarah, the producer. Avon. She came in. Repelled the mosquitoes. We have a clarification. The late winner. Hold it, clarification time. Let me get my clarification.

I don't really have one, but we'll try it. Well, just do this. You don't really have one. You don't have one. I don't really have one, but we'll try. Well, just to this area. You don't really have one. You don't have one. I don't have one. Michael Morpurgo, Michael Morpurgo. A man who specialises in clarity. Okay.

4732 says, hi, guys. A close in Glasgow Is a block of flats Usually three or four storeys Oh With a shared entrance And stairs to the flats On the upper floors In the long ago days

Of inner city slums They were known as tenements Right So I think A Glaswegian close It was that sort of That damp smell of Sort of

Inside a sort of Concrete stairwell yeah yeah that must have been it we won't say where the damp came from but yes I can see how that you know

because it's a belonging and the nostalgia beautiful this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, we've heard from our wonderful readers. Frank, we've heard from our wonderful readers. Brian has got in touch. Because you've been asking people to submit very polite lyrics. Yes, surprising moments of politeness in popular music. And your example was... Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Yeah, from Jimi Hendrix.

You don't need to excuse yourself, Jimi. That's very nice, Jimi. Brian. Lovely lad. Brian says... He has, I beg your pardon, I never promised you at Rose Garden. Oh, that is lovely. I beg your pardon.

If you think in relationships, the many things that are delivered by a partner that they didn't promise, you'd be saying, I beg your pardon, all the time. The many things that are delivered by a partner that they didn't promise. You'd be saying, I beg your pardon, all the time. You don't hear it so often. But Lynne Murray actually stuck her neck out and said, I beg your pardon. I'm pretty sure it was Lynne Murray, wasn't it? Fiona Walsh, stop right now. Thank you very much.

Oh, of course. I mean, if you're saying stop right now, why thank them? No, but that's because they have stopped. Clearly they've stopped and they've acknowledged. They're halting. I've never read the song that way. I've never read the song in the sense of there being a pause while the activity has stopped.

Yes. Stop right now. Oh, thank you very much. Now we can talk properly. I just don't want you sort of, I don't want a drive-by conversation in this context. Well, talking of thanks, we also have Mark Allen,

Queen, we are the champions. You bought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. Freddie pauses. I thank you all. Nice. Very nice. And the nice thing about that is it sounds

like it's from the heart to all my fans out there. Yes. It's a story. See, I've got to be honest. I always, I didn't, I mean, I adore Freddie. I think Freddie's got a new single out. A new single?

Yeah, my child said, Queen's got a new single out. And then he put it on the thing. I'm sure it's not Mark Lambert. It's Freddie. So I think they must have found a bit of undiscovered Freddie. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Check it out. I felt Freddie's Thank You All sounded a little bit Elvis. Thank you very much. Yeah, but I think Elvis meant it as well. And that's why I love you. Adam Faith, the 1960s pop star, who had a hit with What Do You Want If you don't want money that was his uh his vocal

signature was on face to face the popular chat show and he told the story he said they said why did you why are you giving up pop music he said someone stopped me in the street and said could you sign this uh record and and and I said sorry I don't know I'm really in a mad or something like that and they said look we can make you and we can break you and he said I just I couldn't

cope with that level of insecurity Cornish Darren Fewings Cornish Darren Fewins. Cornish Darren Fewins? Yeah. Okay. Please release me, Engelbert Humperdinck.

Yeah. Peter gets in touch with, please allow me to introduce myself. Of course. And that's the voice of the devil. Yes. Yeah, always a bit oily, the devil in his dealings with people. I know, but his manners are impeccable. Please allow me to introduce myself.

I love that about the devil, in fairness. Sorry, Frank. No, no, I can see. You know, nothing's totally negative. Matt W. This is a hard relate, I believe the youth would call this. The smell of the car deck on the ferry. Oh.

Are you familiar with that smell? Well, I was on a ferry at the weekend and I took the James Joyce across to Ireland from Holyhead. And it's called the James Drive, so when you go on, there's a big wooden carved mural of James Drive. Oh, I thought this was some sort of cockney rhyming slang.

No, no. And we parked on that deck. I didn't really... Oh, the smell. Are you kidding me? I didn't really notice it. I was a bit intimidated by the ferrymen. Oh, don't pay him.

They were doing this... Don't pay him. Car on. I was in the passenger seat, but when we parked, they were very upset that we could have got like another three inches closer. So we came over and started doing that gesture

of move the car up. Well, then what else do you want them to do? I'll say, excuse me, please allow me to introduce myself. Well, exactly. Can we not learn from the devil on this? Oh, my God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pippa has been in touch.

Thank you very much for the Aintree iron. Oh, yes. What is the Aintree iron? There was some debate about that, that it might be somehow involved with horse racing. Oh, yes, it must be. But I don't know if... I think it might be one of those mysteries.

I was in Coventry this week, and we asked... In fact, that's where I met the ghost, Marshall. Ghost to Marshall. Yes. And I asked him where the... Does he wear a Marshall? Did he wear a tabard? No, we weren't having a ghost tour.

It was just sort of about his evening work. I hope he wears a tabard with Marshall. Oh, yeah. Gee, Marshall. And, yeah, I imagine he's high-vis, you see? Oh, I hope so. Well, the ghosts have to... Admire.

Yeah, because the ghosts... Well, I don't know. How would they respond to the high-vis? Maybe you have to turn the high-vis off for them to appear. But anyway, I asked him where the saying being sent to Coventry came from and it's a very unsatisfying

you know it's something to do with the English Civil War but it doesn't, it's not quite it's not a happy explanation. It's not enough. No it's not enough. Whereas I was in St Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin this week and there's a door with a hole in it, and this door used to be the church door,

and there was a big fight between two local families, and one man turned up, one family was hiding inside, and he said, come on, let's be friends, and they said, we don't trust you. He knocked a panel out and put his arm through the wall for a handshake and was waiting for it to be chopped off, and it was shaken. And that is where we get the phrase,

to chance your arm. See, that's a satisfying explanation. That's where you were, some meat on the bones. Yes, yes. What about, this is from Potty, ZZ, Finn, and Alan the Dog. Okay, it's a famous five do you remember the song with Timmy and

what was the dog called Timmy and Timmy the dog I think it was how many syllables did they get out of dog? And Timmy the dog. You see, I feel George was very much the Gary Barlow of the five

because that's always the name people remember. Yeah. Yes. Would you agree? Yes. Great. That was what they used to call the tomboy. Yes.

Yes. That was when my Polish cleaner said to me, when I was a girl, I was, you know, I used to climb trees and play football. I said, you were a tomboy. And she said, what's that? And I said, that's what we call, like, we used to call girls who were very sort of butch and buck.

She said, it doesn't make any sense because Tom is a boy's name. It's not to be a girl's name with boy on the end. And I thought, you're right, it doesn't make any sense because Tom is a boy's name. He's told to be a girl's name with boy on the end and I thought you're right, it doesn't make any sense at all. Thank God you've come to tell me this from afar. I was too close to it, I said.

I missed a bit then, I said. 376. Morning Frank, Emily No, why did I do it? That was strange. I said morning frank emily and pierre he was saying morning frank emily and pierre okay in the 70s my dad used to keep a big old ice cream tub with a mixture of water and disinfectant in it sloshing about in the bottom in case one of us three children were not well. The smell of green disinfectant takes me right back.

What does that mean, that they had to sip from it? I love this father. I don't know, but we need more information. I have a lot of questions. Well, couldn't you have kept it in the container it came in? Is this one of those things where they're trying to be discreet and when they say not well, they mean a sort of explosive vomiting? But still, what is happening with the disinfectant?

What's the sort of Donald Trump remedies? You wouldn't vomit into an ice cream tub of disinfectant, would you? Actually, is that a line from For the Benefit of Mr Cut? From Sergeant Bevan. 944, forgive me, Delilah. Tom Jones. Oh, yes. After he stabbed her, Delilah. Tom Jones. Oh, yes. Very nice. And after he stabbed her, I believe,

I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more. I mean, he might not have. Those two might not be connected, those two things. Stop right now. I felt the knife in my hand and strangely enough, at that very moment, she laughed no more. He's a life funny. Anyway, then we had a chat and everything was okay.

Do forgive me. Yeah. And who stole that knife in my hand? It's killing me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, I...

Can I stop you a second? You can. We were talking about... Oh, polite song lyrics. We were talking about Delilah before. Yes. Is it possible that he didn't kill Delilah? I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more.

She might have put a knife through his hand. Hang on. When he says, I stood there laughing, and then... Oh, was it she that stood there laughing? She stood there laughing, yeah. Why was she laughing then? Well, because I wouldn't laugh if someone was going to kill me. He'd seen the flickering shadows of love

on her blinds, if you remember. Well, we've all seen those. Yeah. I think she's just laughing because the idea that she would have cheated on him is so ludicrous and it wasn't the flickering shadows of love. She was actually doing, you know, you do like a dog's head

with your thumb sticking up in front of an LHP. She was actually doing that at home for her own entertainment. And when he accused her, she was so upset, she stopped laughing that she'd been accused, and she stabbed him in the hand. I felt the knife in my hand, and she laughed no more. So there is no murder. We don't get so many stories.

I love a story in a song. It's the Coco Cabana syndrome, similar. Oh, it's... I mean, I think of Rico often. Yeah. And his diamond. They often, the old ones, had a murder in them. They always had a murder.

Yeah. I did what I did for Maria. Do you remember that one? Oh, did you? Take an eye for an eye and a life for a life. Somebody must die for the death of my wife.

Wait, Lord. Is that like Absolute Radio? Fun to dance to. Imagine if they used that trailer completely out of context. Slowly getting louder.

Just Frank Skinner saying somebody must die for the death of my wife Slowly getting louder. Just Frank Skinner saying, somebody must die for the death of my wife. Absolute radio, Frank Skinner. There's comedy on Saturday mornings on Absolute Radio. I take an eye for an eye and a life for a life. I just leave it like that. Very vengeful old-fashioned songs. Why so vengeful?

Vigilante Justice on Absolute Radio. Why so vengeful? Pre-1980. Yeah. Why so vengeful is a good title for a song. Hmm. Anyway. Anyway.

On another brief side note, Alexander Bowles gets in touch on Twitter with, it's a Proustian smell, but I quite like it as an exclamation of surprise or shock, because he's added two exclamation marks. Massive wafts of Catholic incense. That's like when Perry White, the editor of the Daily Planny, used to say, great Caesar's ghost. Yes, exactly.

Now that's a good one he's mighty wharfs of catholic incense what's going on here it does sound quite what it's a little bit like what robin used to say to batman as well yeah all that holy mackerel that's it um if you shock the pope that's when he would sort of exclaim. Exactly. That's his equivalent of swearing. Yes. If you shock the Pope, it will be forever. It might be, of course, at his age.

God forbid. God forbid. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Speaking of politeness, we've had all the polite song lyrics, of course. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for the music. That's one that's come in a few times.

Oh, yeah. Also, we had an advert for someone's touring at the moment. Someone from Pink Floyd, I think, is touring. And their tour is called This Is Not A Drill. And I was thinking that Roy Wood, who used to be in Wizard, who used to paint his face like blue and white and red, could do a tour. Yeah, did he?

Yeah, he went out with Aunty Lynne, Lynne's probably, they dated for a while, she used to say, I dated a guy with green hair. Is that him? Yeah, he had green hair and then, like, sort of red and blue face make-up. And he could have a tour and have his face on the post. It could be called This Is Not A Man Drill.

What do you think? Yeah, I think so. I think you should pitch it. I think we should be distinguished from the apes when we're doing our publicity shots. Wherever possible. Yes. Sometimes it's just not possible. Well,

speaking of what separates us from animals and good manners. Oh, I love that. Oh, good manners, yes. Good manners.

Did you see there's a cafe I think it's up north in Preston where if you ask for your coffee politely it costs less money. What a clever idea.

He got it off the internet, I think. I think it was, let's do that. I think it went viral in America and this guy decided, you know what? My customers are all unforgivably rude. Yes. Time to punish them. Well, it's... What do you... Sorry, Frank.

It's five... No, I've got to be... Can I just clear this up from the start? Yes, Frank. It's five... No, I've got to be... Can I just clear this up from the start? Yes, sure. I don't know what... And forgive me my old white guy narrow references. Sure. Do you know what?

I'd listen to that whole time. Many do. What worries me about is the other people who would listen to it if I did it. What is chai exactly? Chai is just the word for tea, I think. Oh, is it? It's black tea with spices, essentially. So there's a bit of ginger,

a few cloves, maybe? Yeah. A bit of cinnamon? So when you have chai latte... Chai tea latte. So there's no coffee in that? No, no. I think latte very much in the coffee world. Yeah, I agree. Well, that's great news.

There's a shop that's specialising in tea. The Chai Stop in Preston. The rules... Can I say? It's a poor name. Chai Stop. Well, what's the pun? Well, you don't always have to have a pun.

It's a 1970s hair of the dog. If you're going to sell chai and you're encouraging politeness, you could call it chivalry, as in chivalry. Oh, God. Par exam. Oh, my God, that is awful. Well, anyway, I ask at 8.12.15, if you owned a chai selling place,

what would you call it? And I bet we come up with something a lot better than chai stop. That's true. Well, I bet we come up with something a lot better than chai Valerie. What about if at first you don't succeed, chai, chai again. Now, that I like. Yes.

That I can live with. I threw in chai, Valerie, because it's based on the sing-alonger Max thing, that Max Bygraves, the comedian and entertainer, could always get the crowd singing along with him because he was a rubbish singer. So they thought, oh, he's if he's not ashamed neither are we whereas for Pavarotti it was always harder

come on everybody in Sharon oh no I can't I'm not going there let's go let's go Paul I'm out my league so yes so I'm sure you can beat Chai Valry even Chai Valry Chai Valry wasn't that a Amy Winehouse song So, yes, I'm sure you can beat chivalry. Even chivalry.

Wasn't that an Amy Winehouse song? Chivalry. It's better than chistop. It's very unwieldy, chivalry. It's better than chistop. If you called it chivalry. Is chivalry better than chistop? I think it is.

At 12.15. I think it is. If you had a name like chivalry better than chai stock? I think it is. I think it is. If you had a name like chivalry on your shop, you'd have to oblige the customers to be polite to you. Anyway, I bet you they come up with something better than chai, where both are the same. I bet too. Sorry.

Well, Emily found that particularly hilarious. Can I tell you what I found hilarious? Yes. Were some of the submissions from our readers suggestions for chai-based names for cafes. Yes. You came up with, I don't think we should, lest we forget, I think we should go back down memory lane.

I don't think we should dwell on chivalry. Oh no, I'd love to dwell. I'd never want to leave that place. Look even Homer nods. Frank came up with the idea. Well, I was trying to combine the fact We haven't really talked about it yet

We've barely mentioned the fact That the whole thrust of Chai Stop in Preston Is to encourage politeness and good manners Yes So chivalry Seemed to me to kill two birds with one stone Okay we've got some suggestions Okay

Ray Purchase, The Chai's The Limit. That's good. It's okay. You know, I like that. Stuart Scaife, Live and Let's Chai, Table Service,

No Time to Chai, Deliveries. That's what I was laughing at because I think that's very fine, Stuart. I like live and let chai, particularly. Ken Jones, come in and chai this. It's long. It's quite...

Chai this, surely. It's very practical. Chai this would be, yeah. That'd be good. He'd still get the money. Oh, was he? But we've just trimmed it. Chivalry. We've just trimmed his idea.

No, I've given up on chivalry. Like I said, that was to encourage others. The problem is I haven't. And I never will. 9589, Chai Chai Chai Delilah. Oh, yeah. Don't bring Delilah in with her murders. It's not quite right.

It's not the brand we want. We want to be a happy place. That's true. dial her in with her murders. It's not quite right. It's not the brand we want. We want to be a happy place. That's true. I like these songs that start with the first word repeated three times, though, and then you do the payoff. As in... Make them all purr-go, make them all purr-go.

Yes. I had a thought the other day. This might rescue... This might rescue my current disgrace of chivalry. I was in Farnham. Good luck. I was in Farnham, which is where apparently Lady Emma Hamilton used to live nearby. No, the RAF base. Did she live there? I don't know she was not at the

time I don't know if when Nelson was around I don't know if the RAF was much of a big deal so twinkle in his eye twinkle in his chai there you go anyway I wouldn't drink coffee there no not if someone's had a twinkle in it But anyway Consequently I went in a pub in Farnham Called the Nelson Arms When was this?

And I said you should have called it the Nelson Arm Of course That's a great idea. Yeah, but they didn't embrace it. Well, it's hard to. But, yeah, so that was... You've got so many lovely little ideas for businesses. Yeah, I think it's a bit better than chivalry.

A little bit. I mean... No comment. Dan Everhard, Chimea River. That's nice. But I mean, what are you saying then? You're going to have to incorporate the river into the cafe, which I don't know if you're going to get planning permission.

There's going to be the risk of flooding. And also, what about the politeness theme? That's just gone by the wayside. None of these have incorporated the marriage. Yeah, not least I managed to, the marriage of two. None of these have incorporated the marriage. Yeah, not least I managed to, the marriage of two. I think what Dr. Johnson called the yoking together of two, the violent yoking together of two heterogeneous ideas.

That's what I did. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Gemma, live and let try. Yeah. I like that. Classic. Yeah, and that's gone. When when you say classic the genre hasn't been going that long but it hasn't got the politeness i think i'm still the only one to juxtapose oh are you joking are you seriously putting forward chivalry again i did have a thought i did have thoughts um but we all had thoughts on chivalry

I didn't mean to bring them up but I'm going to because I'm a tea drinker of some enthusiasm, I don't drink coffee obviously I see all around me coffee shops rising up the big chains and all that, it doesn't seem to regularly

be a tea, there's no tea chain that you can compare with the big coffee houses. And I thought, wouldn't it be great to fight back for tea drinkers? And you could have Charbox. Oh, very nice. Yeah?

Yeah. I might go to distinguish it for the mono-tail mermaid rather than the split-tail one. And Café Tiro. Anyway, I think I've gone far enough into this hole. Do you think? Oh, no, no, listen. I don't want you to leave here today feeling remotely ashamed of chivalry.

You do. Of Café Tiro. You've done your best to do that. Oh, I think Café Tiro is all right, isn't it? Yeah, can you help? Anyway. I don't know what to do. Well, I did have a thought.

So did he. Look where that got us. That's true. Given that if you so the prices go down we should explain we should explain

if you walk in and you order a chai what was the actual nature of the chai if you walk in and you say desi chai

yeah what does that do we know what the desi element is desi is a sort of general term for south asian as I understand it

so India, Pakistan, Bangladesh. Oh, okay. Sri Lanka. So it's a geographical term. Ethnic and geographical. Okay, so you're saying I'll have a desi chai. If I just go in and say I want a desi chai. That's a five.

That's five quid. That's a five. If I say, could I have a desi chai, please? I think that might qualify you. Could I? No. Maybe that adds less. Here are the rules.

Desi chai please. Three pounds. Three pounds. Hello. Desi chai please. One pound ninety. Whoa. Quite the saving these days.

Three pound ten. That's, but sometimes it's worth five quid just for the luxury of being brusque. I was going to say, you don't want to know what you have to say for it to cost 50 quid. The obscenities you have to hurl at that man. I checked into a low-rent Birmingham hotel the other night at about 10 o'clock at night. Did you?

I walked into a deserted lobby. Oh. And the rain was pounding down outside. I was carrying my bag like the exorcist arriving. A woman stood behind the counter looking like she was eight hours into her shift. And I said, hello. I said, how are you? And she said, hello, I said, how are you?

And she said, here. A fabulously loaded reply. I mean, already, it's a hostile opener. Oh, man, I laughed, I thought it was great. I like it. Did you get on with her? I did, eventually. She did that thing of rattling off the Wi-Fi thing

and what time breakfast was. And I said, you sound like you might have said that to someone before, slightly ironically. She said, I say it in my sleep. She said, my kids. My kids say it to me. Really?

Because I just say it. It's like a thing I just say. Oh my God. It's a character from a sort of harrowing novel. It's great. It's like she would keep the desk in a sort of Edward Hopper hotel, some dark American. That's exactly.

Yeah. But I liked her a lot just because I felt like I'd met a kindred spirit in the night. Yeah, she'd be a nice friend for you. Yes, but I think we both have connections. Oh, in that very same hotel. But one thing that there's been a move towards in hotels that aren't at the very top end of the scale is, you know, you used to get, like, lovely soap and bottles of shower gel.

Yeah. You get it all on those. You know, those things that you get hand sanitiser. I don't know how you describe them. You have to press the top down and stuff squirts out. Yeah. But what do you call that sort of squirty press down top? A nozzle, I suppose.

Oh, come on. Breakfast radio. Anyway. A wall dispenser. That might be up there with the top ten most unreasonable exchanges I've ever heard in my life. So, yes, they have two wall dispensers in the shower. Yeah. One is shampoo and one is body wash.

Yeah. And they're on the wall. Sometimes you press them a bit hard and they're just on like double sticky stuff. Anyway, this one, the actual body wash. You know when one of those knottles, you keep turning it round, two o'clock, four o'clock, you just can't press it down. You just won't.

So I couldn't get anything out of it. Isn't there any purchase? For the first time in my life, I showered completely in shampoo. You're joking. Full body shampooing? Yeah. Did you have lovely silky hairs on your chest?

Well, I'm glad that ended where it ended. I mean, had he been Pierre, you could see that's a man, yeah, who might need shampoo everywhere. Yes. But for me... I'm more like a Chewbacca sort of figure, I think. No, I'm...

I'm... My... I'm not high on... He's more like C-3PO. I'm very thin and very little body hair. I'm R2-D2, to be fair. Oh, I'm more Roswell Alien.

That's my... That's my look. Olympic swimmer. Yeah, so I don't need... I don't need all over. I wasn't even sure if you could do it, if I might get a rash from it. But, you know, needs, I was actually in the shower wet and I just couldn't press this thing.

And I could see, it had like three inches of body wash that I just could not get at. Can I just establish something? It's very important, this. Are these in containers? Are they fixed containers or were these sort of plastic bottles? Yeah, plastic bottles

but they're what they come in. They probably are refillable. I've never experienced this in my life. Well, you've stayed in probably nice hotels. No, I know, I can imagine the sort of thing you mean though. It's sort of on, is it in the little shower area? Yeah, it's stuck to the wall in the shower.

And you press the top of it and it squirts out the, I believe the term is nozzle. You also know from your introduction to the lady at reception that she is not a woman who would be super eager to help you. Well, I wasn't going to phone down. No. Anyway, I was in the shower. The water was upon me.

I had to think fast. Yes. I hate that because with those bottles, with those bottles, they're like, you can turn them. It's like the combination of a safe. You can turn that nozzle. If you get it in the right position, it will press down. But I just couldn't find the space.

You don't want to be doing a hat and gun robbery when one is simply trying to clean oneself exactly it was you know if I could turn back time it was like that probably not

not a great reference is it a my suspicion my conspiracy theory is that it's a con that they both have the same unguent

do you think so what so body washing shampoo are one and the same do you know what I think they might be i think you're right and i have to say well you never see them together in the same i know actually you do see them side by side i've been known to use a hand wash as a multi-purpose oh Really? On your face would you use it? No, not on my person.

I've used it to clean trainers. Hand wash, you say? Lady Bracknell. Hand wash? Wow, no, I never mix my... If I'm told that something is for that purpose, that's what I use it for. I know, but you're very oddly rule-bound.

I am rule-bound. For someone who I see as a very creative, independent thinker, when it comes to sort of everyday products, it's extraordinary the way you'll stay in your lane. No, I do. I'm very obedient, as the boys at the club tell me regularly. As I've said before, I have never in my entire life

ate an after-eight mint before eight o'clock. You've got to have rules. I think Sophia may have won it this morning. Hmm. Do you want to hear why I think that? I remember Carlo Ponti saying that to me after a game of backgammon. Carlo Ponti was married to Sophia Lorraine. Thank you.

Footnotes provided by... Thank you. Sophia. He was one of the great examples of the he did well remark Sophia Loren was like one of the world's most well at least well known beautiful

women and Carlo was a big was he like a man you'd see on an Italian beach he was like an Italian beach anyway do you want to hear what Sophia's come up with I do a man you'd see on an Italian beach. He was like an Italian beach. That's what he looked like. Anyway, God bless him.

Do you want to hear what Sophia's come up with? I do. Chai some manners. Oh. What do you think? I like it. It's the first

that has juxtaposed. It is. It's a little, for me, I might put me off going in. Yeah. It's on the front foot, aggression-wise.

Oh, yeah. Try some manners. All right, I haven't said anything yet. I'm just here in the street. Minding my own business. Wow, this is passing, looking at that sign, thinking, well, I could have tried a bit harder. Samurai Spurs.

Oh, yeah. I have questions. After I took over, I'd put this sign up under new management colon the chimes they are a changing the chai hyphen i'm to say are changing sounds like a nice friend for you i think we are brothers in chai ponery. Yes. My issue with... There was a photo with the article. I'm not sure if it was an actual photo of the cafe or a photo... Of Desi Chai.

Or a photo of the concept generally. Right. But the owner of the cafe said he hoped that this rule would enforce a, quote, good vibes only culture. Yes. I think that it looked as if they actually had a neon good vibes only sign up. Now, I find it's difficult, isn't it, to enforce good vibes because that itself is quite a bad vibe.

Yes. I mean, the neon sign is becoming very, it's everywhere these days. I don't mind. I blame Tracey Emin. I don't mind a general good vibes. The only is menacing. Yes, that's it. I think surely I'm allowed to come in on a bad day.

Sometimes it's very hard to emanate good vibes. It's just things aren't going well. It is. We were talking off air earlier about the musical theatre song Happy Talk. And the thing is with Happy Talk is they say, Happy Talk, keep talking Happy Talk and the thing is with Happy Talk is they say happy talk keep talking

happy talk and that keep is very what just that a demand yeah relentlessly talking I mean if I

if that was my policy on this show and I just kept talking happy talk all morning I feel we'd be getting text saying come on frank give us a give us a wisp of melancholy bear yourself to the roswell alien light and shade please it is that's what people want light and light and shade. Of course they do. So good vibes only. It's going to be like, and I speak of my own now, it's going to be a bit Jesus Army.

Yes. You know what I mean? That smile that is a bit threatening. Yeah. And God bless the Jesus Army. Good people, but, you know, the smile. I think that ship has sailed. Yeah. Maybe you're right.

No, I think they just walked across the water. On the politeness front, I tell you what I've had, I was speaking to a dear friend of mine and she was saying that in Glasgow, she saw some fellows pushing a car, and she had run over to assist them. Well, they'd asked for her help,

and they'd got in to get the car going, and she pushed the car, and they just drove away. And then she said she saw them turn and they drove back to water and she thought, oh, here comes my thank you, and they just drove off. Now that's the sort of thing that would nag at me all day. And what's happened to me a couple of times, I've let people into a long, long London traffic queue and got no hand gesture.

This is the problem, is that now they're saying it's going to become... It's an offence, isn't it? You can get points or... I don't know if you can get points, but you can get fined for that. For not saying thank you? No, for saying thank you, for the gesture. Because the idea being that you're taking your hands off the wheel and it's potentially... I'll flash your lights then.

And you will be fine for that as well. What? They can't do that. It's the absolute opposite of the chai stock policy. They know we're rewarding rudeness. We demanded good vibes. Are you suggesting there's a lack of

chivalry here? I am. Because, look, I was stunned by this. Because now, though, once I'd read that, I thought, well, maybe they've got an excuse. It gives these people an excuse for their rudeness. Exactly. I wish, what I would like to drive is a car with one of those polling day attachments,

you know, the speaker on the top. Yes, yes. So you could, if that attachments, you know, the speaker on the top. Yes, yes. So you could, if that happened, you could say, a thank you gesture would not go amiss. That would not be great. Or could we have some sort of horn music which implied that? Maybe you two can workshop that. Yes, okay.

What would you, Frank, what would you recommend in the following scenario? I live in a block of flats. There's a lot of people coming and going. If I hold the door open, sometimes what happens is I hold the door for the person who's sort of approaching because it opens outwards. They walk through. I'm holding the door open. Not only sometimes do they not say thank you, they don't look at you. That's so rude.

not only sometimes do they not say thank you they don't look at you they walk through as if you're like you know those liveried soldiers who let Macron through those big doors one of my most difficult lift journeys

was I lived in flats and I opened the door for this guy and he walked through and I said oh don't mention it, oh you walked through, and I said, oh, don't mention it. Oh, you didn't. And then he said, well, are you giving me a lesson in manners? And I said, well, it seems like you need one. And then we got in the lift together,

and that was a toxic atmosphere, if ever there was one. Oy, oy, oy. We didn't actually speak, but it was really like... Anyway, you can't teach a man. I'm going to be honest with you. I do have, when that happens to me in the car, I have ramming daydreams.

Oh, don't we all do it? Of just revving up and just, I mean, don't do this people. I don't think't do this, people. I don't think you should do it either. No, just powering. You ever think, well, it won't cost that much, insurance or covering. Just, you know, as a gesture.

Frank, 196, Sally, polite society. Oh. What do you think, guys? It's big again, but I'd say as Roy Slow Talker Walker used to say on Catchphrase, it's good, but it's not right.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Joe Strahan. Oh, I thought that was going to be Stroma. No. Do you know what's called At London Puffin?

Okay. Which I quite like. I particularly like Frank's idea of the car megaphone. We should say you were just, Frank was just suggesting... The polling day. Yeah. I should think they're getting a repaint at the moment, the polling day vehicles.

I think they're getting them a repaint at the moment, the polling day vehicles. Particularly like Frank's idea of the car megaphone, as it would sound like Marky Smith. Politeness is the finest condition. Well, Marky Smith, she may well be directly referring to, would use a megaphone on stage. Of course. We've got a 9975 says,

for Simpsons fans, you could call the shop Itch Eye and Scratch Eye, which I read out only because of how Midlands it gets you sounding. Yeah. Itch Eye and Scratch Eye. Still doesn't have the, doesn't have the politeness.

On the megaphone, I did an open top bus in America with a woman saying, and you're no passing the host of the Liberty Bell. It was in Philadelphia. And we said, these branches are a bit low. We're on the top deck. And she came over and said, I know it's terrible.

This is really loud and you're in my face. She forgot that she was talking through a megaphone. Sorry, carry on. Do you remember Sophia? Oh, yes. Sophia came up with a suggestion that you weren't so... I didn't feel Frank was so sure about. I think I said it was good but not right.

I don't think anyone's found the killer Chai Stop one yet, but it was a great effort. I just got a few more. So Sophia's submitted another one. I hope Sophia didn't take it badly. No, Sophia seems very well adjusted. Okay. She has said... I thought she was in trouble.

Oh, Doctor, I'm in trouble. Leave it there. She said, previous to Auntie, how about chai a Little Tenderness? That's good, Sophia. Are you happy with that? See, that's someone who, it was all right the first time. It wasn't great.

She went back. Yeah. She's looked up at the footballers, hence Frank. Yeah, I mean, it's Tony Adams all over. It really is. And potentially Boris Johnson, more English. The new Gary Barlow. So it's a toss-up for me between

try a little tenderness, Sophia, and at London Puffin, please just try. Yes. If it was my vote and it's not that kind of show we operate in a democracy here. I think chai a little tendon. What's your chai grand? Yeah.

Chai grand. Have you met my chai grand? She doesn't go out much. I would go chai a little tenderness because I love a comeback not every comeback but I like a comeback and it was great that she kept on

she kept on at it and it's lovely it's got tenderness in it which suggests politeness and it begins with chai so we know what the priorities are well done you Pierre it's always an otter joy to be in

your company professionally and personally likewise and uh same goes for all our listeners um if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.