The Frank Skinner Show - Occasional Clooney

Episode Date: April 9, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to see The Lovely Eggs and has also seen a celebrity in an unlikely place. The team also discuss John Travolta’s trip to Morrisons, having a rat as a pet and top hats.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Anyway. Was that a Grand National influence? It was a marsh. Oh, I've got to find some horses for us. I love doing the GGs. Oh, yes. You know, I was once on Radio 5

sitting in for Danny Baker like 20 years ago. And Cornelius Lycett, who's the horse racing expert. Sounds very much like I would have gone to school with him. And I said over to Cornelius with the GGs. And he said afterwards, I don't like that. I don't like them being called that. I said, OK, I won't do that again. No one told me.

It was really awkward. Are you not allowed to? Do they not like to use... He personally thinks it's a bit dismissive of the whole. That's why I use it, though. So, Frank, Jennifer... Hold on. Oh, it's more.

Now go on, carry on. Well, it's a bit of praise. Okay. But I think it's allowed because it's not related to the show. Okay. Jennifer Machia, I saw Frank in Angel on Wednesday. Oh. Angel came down from heaven yesterday.

Is that in the London area? It is. It's in Islington. Praise redacted. It's Cor the London area. It is. It's in Islington. Praise redacted. It's Corbyn country. I don't have a good theme music. Well, I do, but I can't play it correctly. You should play bicycle, bicycle.

Yeah. Praise redacted, but... Dot, dot, dot. You waiting? Go on. Overflowing. Overflowing. Overflowing praise, frankly. Oh, OK.

I especially appreciated being included in the show as his water bottle opener. Oh, that was Jennifer. A true honour, sir. Yes. From Jen in the front row. Wow. This is a sign of the ageing comic

who gets a member of the audience to open the water bottle i said i said could you please loosen the cork before i you were overflowing now that was very nice she was a live event so i thought you she'd seen you in the street like now yeah and i opened my water bottle no i was uh yeah that all euphemism noism. No, I'm doing work in progress gigs. I'm off again on another stand-up comedy adventure. Oh, lovely. As Gordon Strachan said, it's what a day. Yeah.

And what does that mean, Al? It's what I do. It's what I do, exactly. Gordon Strachan also said Alan Cochran was decent of my Edinburgh show in 2004. That's exactly what you'd say about a player who didn't. Yeah, exactly. Who was on the books at Brentford,

but didn't quite come through the ranks. Like Bradley Walsh, he was decent. He was decent, you know. He was decent. Yeah. I know. You're much better than that, Al. I'll take that.

No, I'm from Strachan. You take what you get. That's another lovely quote for you to use, Al. You're much better than that, Al. Well, I am. On the first... Obviously, work in progress is a nerve-wracking business because you're trying out stuff you've never done before.

Can I ask a question? Thank you. Do you take notes or iPad on stage? No. Oh, OK. I take my memory. And I don't... I have them if I... I've never yet needed to.

But some comics just go out and just read it off, but I can't do that. Okay. I don't, you know, it's like the Wizard of Oz. You don't want the curtain to come back when they're coming to see the wizard, do you? That's the intent. I don't want to break anyone's heart.

What about an old mate of mine who used to work for me, actually? That's the only mates I've got. And he, I remember I gave him the job because I was playing, when he came for the interview, I was playing Captain Beefheart's album, Trout Mask Replica. And he said, oh, Trout Mask Replica. And he said, oh, Trout Mask Replica. And I thought, you're in. That's all I need to know.

Anyway, he sent me a text saying that this was the first night of completely new stuff. Sent me a text saying, I'm coming tonight. And my first thought was, no one comes to see you on the first night of a work in progress run to see you do well. But he was nice after. What biggest mistake of adding a the where there isn't one, would you say, in popular music? Eurythmics. The Eurythmics. The Eurythmics.

For me, it's Carpenters. Everybody says the Carpenters. Well, for my father, as you know, Frank, it was The Freeze. A band called Freeze who sung A-E-I-O-U. Okay. And he came into the room and said,

2,000 years of civilisation, and what do we get? The freeze. Oh. And we said, Dad, it's freeze, you idiot. Yeah, but when you're going to start a thing 2,000 years of civilisation and what do you get? It's quite good then to betray even further your age

and attitudes. Of course we've overlooked the the. Oh, yeah. That's true. You can't have them now. The stammering community. Beyond you like a ton of bricks.

So I went and saw Lovely Eggs at Heaven last night. The well-known gay hotspot. Oh, yeah. Who did you go with? No, I went alone. Wow. Because I was doing a gig, as we've said, at Angel Islington. I jumped a tube. Cool guy.

Congratulations. No, it was great. Got there ten minutes before the gig started. I was on the list. Aye, aye, aye. You know what I'm saying? Aye, aye, aye. Oh, did you have a meeting?

Yeah, I had the sticker. I mean, come on. It was brilliant. It was a brilliant... Stitch passes. I'll just say that this is a music show, after all, and real music matters. So they're on tour at the moment, the Lovely Eggs.

If they're near you or even not that near, I really, really, really recommend you go there. Brilliant. Yeah, you don't have to just go and see them near Easter, the Lovely Eggs. No, although I did do that, as it turned out. So big news of the week, Will Smith banned from the Oscars

for 10 years why 10 do you think? I'd take it as an enormous compliment if the Aria people said you're banned from the Arias which I think they've done without telling me for 10 years I'd think well they'd think I've still got some legs

how long have we been banned for? well I tell you I'll tell you, a mate... Not six? I had a text from a mate this week, an excited text, saying... I hate to brag, but I know you'd understand why I'm... I've just got nominated for an ARIA for a thing we did on fond kids

in the fiction storytelling category. And I thought, oh, the ARIA nominations must be... Oh, no one's called me, isn't it? But I went online and thought, well, you can guess the rest. We'll leave it there. We didn't get so much of the look in.

Oh, that's what happens if you don't turn up to collect the award two years running. Is that what it is? Is that what happened? They never forget. I went to Leeds. Was it Leeds? Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't. Anyway, let's not get into it. It's a sordid topic. You wonder why they don't invite you when you refer to it as a sordid topic. I mean, somebody saying, why don't we get nominated for awards is sordid. I'm not saying that the awards are. By the way, don't forget this morning's texting. Why don't dogs have belly buttons?

I was walking past the M&M shop this morning. You know that's my worst shop. You know what? There was four large M&Ms. I mean large, I mean like, I'm talking five, six foot diameter M&Ms in the window. With legs and hands and stuff. And one of them had got women's shoes on the other three men's shoes.

Similar line-up to sort of, you know, blondie. So hang on, the female Eminem has, let me guess, exaggerated eyelashes and a pink stiletto. She had, no, they only really do white. The limbs only really come in white. They're all white as, well, I can't name him. Somebody used to say. Please do.

So she's got like white court shoes on her white legs. But, you know, I walked past. It was early in the morning. It was sort of narrow daylight, daylight you know that time of the day just before broad daylight and um i saw them the four m&ms sort of they're sort of marching behind each other i just burst out laughing with just just joy look at that really made me happy. So well done, the M&M shop, for your outsized display. I'm choosing some horses for Grand National. How about this?

I've got a couple of selections. Al, I think for you, cloth cap. Trainer. Oh, yeah, that sounds suitable for me david baddiel always said if i wore the second i put a cap on i sort of became a absolutely stereotypical working class bloke just the just the cap not just the cap as in nothing else but you know for you frank no i think we're gonna go uh long longhouse poet uh trainer martin brazil nice okay i'm writing it down yeah i mean i haven't decided yet there are some other options but i'll uh i like that though do you like this they both sound like good options for us guys, you know. Now, what's Emily going to put for a sound sort of stunning day?

Snow Leopardess, OK? Yeah. A bit glamorous. We've had some news in. I say news, but it's more people getting in touch. Oh, we've got a Grand National, Kev Trent Derby. Oh, give our give our best to Terence

okay never mind the Grand National Gipmaker is running in the one o'clock at Newcastle is that right well

I'm writing that down as well yeah I never bet my dad bet every day apart from Sundays. Did he do well on it? Well, he would have like 10 five penny doubles and 10 five penny trebles and stuff like that. So he'd win about eight quid and feel like he'd...

He was... You know, my theory is that if you win the lottery, you have to wear a top hat. Wow. To show people that you're a lottery winner otherwise you don't get the money you have to wear a top hat for the rest of your life well it's going to cost you a lot I want to talk to you about top hats actually guys you've reminded me Frank

seeing all this ascot coverage yes do you know why it's not ascot is it I do apologise it's alright it's in the Aintree. I do apologise. It's all right. It's in the A's. But they've got the top hats. We were discussing their clothing.

Looked lovely, some of the ladies. The gentleman wears the top hat, obviously. I should say, I've got a slight bog bear about the press showing working-class women dressed up and suggesting they don't know how to dress up. It's one of the last vestiges of hoity-toity. So having been to Royal Ascot and seen posh people absolutely out of it lying on the floor drunk, I think, you know, let's spread it out a bit. Yeah. But at the risk of sounding even more hoity-toity,

My Top Hat's hell. Can we leave it there? We will be coming back with the Emily Dean story, My Top Hat Hell. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My top hat hell. Yeah. So, I'd gone to, I think this was Ascot actually, not the Grand National

but anyway. Do people say Ascot actually? A bit like Hove actually, that they say in Brighton. Do you live in Brighton? Hove actually. And my friend who was coming with me, he's quite posh.

And so he turned up and he had this, oh, blast, I've got to pick my morning suit up from Suffolk or something. So, you know, there's always something. So he neglected, I think he didn't have a top hat in London, in his London residence. I hate it when you don't have a top hat in London,

in London residence. I hate it when you don't have a top hat in London. In your London residence. Yeah. So he said, like, I borrowed... Could he not have found a noddy holder? They're all right with mirrors, are they? Or could he not have gone to Oxford Street and picked up one of those top hats?

They often have those, the themed ones. Anyway, in the end he said, I brought this. And he said, I borrowed it from my, I think it was his brother's, it was his nephew's dressing up box. And I love this about posh people. They have dressing up boxes a lot. So, and I said, I don't know about that. It was sort of a jokey, sort of had a slightly St. Patrick's Day theme to it.

I didn't know if it was quite. was it like a pint of guineas was it one of those no but it had a sort of little i don't know it might have had a clover or something not a clover i had to call shamrock oh i don't know so i had a shamrock i had something on it was a bit novelty i didn't think it was right. Anyway, we got there, and the woman at Ascot said, as he walked in, she said, she knew who he was, and she knew his family, and she said, come on, you should know better. Oh, wow.

And so he said, well, he's such a lovely, good-natured bloke. He said, oh, look, don't worry. He said, let me try and sort this out. Is there anyone I can get a top hat? She said, well, there is a specialist shop. There would be a top hat vendor at Royal Ascot. So he goes over there. And, I mean, Al, I don't know how,

I hope you're sitting down when you hear how much the top hats were going to set him back. Go on. It was in the region of £1,800. What? To £2,000. I think it. It was in the region of £1,800. What? To £2,000. I think it was about £1,800, £1,900. Let's call it 2K.

I mean, they're highly structured. That's more than I paid for my car. A 2K top hat. I think they mark them up according to... I mean, because they know their market. People are desperate for top hats. Yeah. Askew. It's a top hat emergency, isn't it because they know their market. People are desperate for top hats. Yeah. It's a top hat emergency, isn't it?

It's an emergency, Al. They'll do anything. I would have thought they'd have a few top hats for, you know, absent-minded toffs. You know, there used to be some restaurants that had a few ties behind the counter. So, I don't mean Thai restaurants. I mean um ties if you needed

to wear a tie obviously they had a few ties behind but um if you needed to wear a tie they would

they would let you I'm frightened I'm frightened I'm frightened to say anything now but yes that um

our Emily's crying. I hate it when she cries. The mascara goes and everything. We've had a few messages from the outside world. Iona Faz, Morning Frank and Gang. Do you? Why don't you wear it? Only you. have me googling dog belly buttons at 8am on a Saturday morning.

Any news on that? That's Frank's, I'm going to call it, say Frank's specialist interest area. Well, I asked my manager this way, because my son had asked me, why doesn't the dog have a belly button? And I said, well, they don't have, I don't think they have the cords. You know, you don't have like five puppies all come out on cords like a dog walker. But my manager, who studied genetics at Cambridge University, said to me, they are mammals, though.

It's a bit interesting. So I don't know where we are with the dog belly button. But I was very excited. My most exciting outside world for a long time was from the horse racing fraternity. Cornelius. Oh. Hey. was from the horse racing fraternity. Cornelius. Hey!

Cornelius himself, Cornelius Lycett, has got in touch. Fantastic. Frank referred to him earlier. Remembering Frank, if you can just remind anyone who... He didn't like the horses being referred to as the GGs. Yeah. Cornelius has got in touch. My grand national day absolutely made by getting a mention from the brilliant Frank on the radio.

I'm loving him even more now. Even if it was for being a bit of a pompous ass about his use of expression GGs on another radio station. I don't recall, but I suspect Frank's memory elephantine. Well, yeah, he wasn't really pompous. I just think it was, I suppose it is a bit dismissive, but oh, great. And I tell you what, what a pro Cornelius is when he said another radio station. He didn't mention the rivals.

Brilliant. Well, that's made my day, I must say. And I then said to Emily, wasn't one of the Planet of the Apes characters called Cornelius? And she held up her phone and the screensaver

on her phone is Cornelius from Planet of the Apes eating an orange with a knife and fork. Yeah, that's what I like having on my phone. Oh, really? Yes, I don't want dog pictures or child pictures. I want Cornelius eating an orange with a knife and fork.

I love those pictures. It's more the cutlery that I was really in. No, it was... It's the Arsene Wenger approach. Yeah. You saw Arsene Wenger in a hotel eating an apple. In Cape Town before England, Algeria. And he was sitting on his own in a hotel restaurant area

eating an apple with a knife and fork. But anyway, I love pictures. I love pictures of Roman know, I love pictures of, like, Roman gladiators having burgers, you know, during a break in, like, the cafeteria at Warner Brothers Films. I love those pictures. I live for those pictures. Oh, yeah, it's great.

I've also got some great... Like John the Baptist having a fag, like, you know, at the back of the lot and stuff. Oh, brilliant. I mean, well, I've got some great... I'm sure I can dig out some good Doctor Who on sets. There must be loads of those. What you get of loads of...

There's a Cyberman having a cigarette, which is fabulous, isn't it? When I worked with Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who, he had got a picture. Yes, I never mentioned it. He'd got a picture of a rehearsal that John Pertwee was doing and John Pertwee's sort of sitting on the floor of the TARDIS and he's in like Czech flares and it's like a real set. He's street clothes but incredibly

70s sort of Carnaby streets brilliant brilliant stuff This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, I heard somebody's email come through. They had a ping. I'm not going to lie.

Did you? It's always best to be honest. It was you? I didn't say that. No, it was me. It was me. You rolled't say that. No, it was me. It was me. You rolled your hand up. Fair enough.

Can I share? Has Emily just fessed up? I just fessed up. She's actually fessed. Do you know, I feel really cleansed after that confession. Is that how you feel, Frank? It's good, isn't it? Well, when I used to, in the old days,

when I used to get TV work i uh i used to have a thing a rule on productions that if you made a mistake me included you had to hold up your hand a la basketball player and say i'm sorry i made a mistake and then that was the end of there was no more to be said about it that was cleansing and done it's a bit like a sort of a a meeting thing yeah so um which hold on that that slide's not right and you'd hear from the back of the studio sorry i made a mistake to blow cold or it would be me as i say it's very healthy i think oh yeah so a couple of things i'd like to share with you all firstly hopkins hopkins has got in touch share with you all?

Firstly, Hopkins. Hopkins has got in touch. Hopkins? My favourite actor on set photo. Oh yeah, we were talking about Roman Gladiator having a baked potato. Or Cyberman smoking.

My favourite actor on set photo is one of the alien, he shared the photo, one of the alien, he shared the photo, one of the alien from the eponymous 1979 movie having a bit of a rest during filming. And it's a very good photo. I appreciate it's a visual thing. Perhaps we can reach it. But he's sitting on a box with his head in his hands, the alien. It gives the impression that he's having a damn good think about the consequences of its murderous rage. having a damn good think about the consequences of its murderous rage.

I don't want to go on about being on Doctor Who, but I had tea and biscuits with the mummy in the full outfit. Please tell me the mummy crossed their legs. And like Will Carling struggled a bit with all the bandages. I can't remember, Jamie was the mummy's name. Tall, tall, young lad. But, yeah, we'd just sit and talk in, you know,

just generally chatting with his bandages dangling in the saucer. Oh, I love it. Oh, I'll tell you another one I really like. A photo of Roger Moore and Cobby Broccoli playing backgammon on the set of Live and Let Die. I can't play backgammon. I sometimes think I should learn it. No, it looks good, doesn't it?

I associate it so much with Omo Sheriff. He was like a world champion in his own right. I have actually, I think I have got some photographs which you'll have to dig out of. My mother was in, she worked with Jeremy Brett on Sherlock Holmes. Oh, wow.

And I think Edward Hardwick was Watson, maybe. My mother played Brenda Tregennis in, there was an episode, and I think there are some photographs. I've got the complete, I've got the DVD set.

Find out the name of the episode and check it out. I love Jeremy Brett as the best. I mean, obviously you've got to love Comberbatch but Jeremy Brett was, Jeremy Brett looked, he had that clammy sweatiness of a bloke who did a lot of

morphine. You know, he really did feel like he was Sherlock Holmes. Why are you nodding? In many ways. Oh, dear, as my parents would. Dear, dear Jeremy. He really had that Sherlock Holmes, there's a whole interworld of trouble going on here.

He's brilliant. You know, complicated sometimes means better. What else? Also, Al, have you shared this wonderful communication we've had? Read the M&M display. No, 245 has texted

Frank, read the oversized M&M display. Closer inspection would have revealed they're actually on a zebra crossing in a parody of the famous Beatles Abbey Road. Oh, are they? Oh, I haven't picked up on that. And I laughed without that.

What they've done is they've gilded the M&M lily. I never recognised that. So why did one of them, why was one of them a lady? I don't know. Maybe for balance. Yeah. I know, but, you know. In history for balance, it's very popular these days.

I mean, pick your areas, guys. Yeah. You can't mess about with the Abbey Road. I suppose if you're making them Giants, you've already gone fairly far, haven't you? Yeah, I suppose so. Well, I'm going to check that out. That's good news, though.

Good to know. I didn't expect extra info on the window display. I mean, I'm glad it wasn't, you know, they could have done the last supper, Frank. That would be a poor taste. No, I wouldn't have been happy with that. Let's face it, you wouldn't want M&M's for your last supper, would you?

No, you'd be a big, I don't know. I'd go Smarties. You've got to be loyal in these matters. Where's the Smarties shop? No way. I'd like to bring to your attention a news story about a celebrity who I don't think is yet a friend of this show,

but I've got strong hopes. John Travolta. Ah, yes. He was recently mentioned, Al. Can you remember what section of the show he was recently mentioned in? He was in Celebrity Pilots. Oh, of course! Yeah.

I believe, this might not be, I believe, because when I think of Celebrity Pilots, and we talked about Gary Neumann and... Harrison Ford. Noel Edmonds. And Bruce Dickinson and stuff like that yeah I imagine them in like

you know two seater two seater planes yes but I believe John Travolta owns a Boeing 7-0

he does I didn't even know a person could own like a big passenger plane because you think of Tom Cruise

or Nicole Kimmel with the Cessna jets, as you say, but he's gone full. I mean, Elvis had got... I've been on Elvis's private jets. What was that? Did Elvis fly? No, he didn't. Well, he did, but not...

LAUGHTER I think he believed... When he was strung out. But, no, he didn't fly it, he just flew on it. He had, like, a big bed on it. I think he'd have struggled in the cockpit. It's not a roomy... He wasn't. That was on you right at the end.

OK, OK. All right. Gold shaming, Elvis. Gold taps in the bathroom as well. I mean, you've got to love it. Excellent. So, yeah, anyway. A somewhat more down-to-earth version of John Travolta.

He's been spotted... Tell me more, tell me more. Oh! Hey! How much does he spend? In various places across Norfolk, including Morrison Supermarkets and Wetherspoons. Come on.

He's living my life, but in Norfolk. What's happened? I can see why you might go into, like, a restaurant. I can't. You know, at Wetherspoons. But going into the supermarket, you might... I'm not sure people classify Wetherspoons as a restaurant. Sorry, I'm... Imagine if I said that. I like to give people classify Wetherspoons as a restaurant. Sorry, I'm...

Imagine if I said that. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. That's my nature. No, I know what you mean. It's that dividing line of, are the menus laminated? And I would say with Travolta, I was quite... Not shocked, but I really... This story, I've been quite obsessed by it all week. I've got to not shocked, but I really, this story,

I've been quite obsessed by it all week. I've got to be honest, guys, because I don't know what, I know we get these celebrity sightings. Well, it's usually just Tom Cruise. It's Tom Cruise. Pitt's had previous. They've been the odd one, the occasional Clooney. Something about Travolta.

The occasional Clooney is going to be, if I start a band, that's what it's going to be called. Actually, I'm not going to have a thee. No, occasional Clooney. Occasional Clooney. But Travolta, there's something slightly otherworldly about him. Yeah. Do you know what I mean now?

What is it? It's because I associate him above cloud level. Yeah. That's why. It's not. I've got to be honest. The thing about this story, when I saw the story, my first thought was I would not have recognised him.

Would you not? He looks quite different now. I mean, I'm looking forward to seeing him in G.I. Jane 2. Let's put it that way. Get John's name out your mouth. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, by the way, I had a thought.

That Abbey Road M&M mash-up. Yeah. Paul McCartney is barefoot in the M&M mash-up. Yeah. Recreation. Paul McCartney's barefoot in the Abbey Road thing. That was one of the things that...

The conspiracy theories. The thing that he was dead and had been replaced by another person. Think on... When the Sgt. Peppers have got their brass instruments he's got a black instrument and on Abbey Road he's barefoot like I don't know, are people buried

barefoot? I don't know I believe William Shatner once said these people need to get a life Shatner? of Trekkies Shatner quoted why don't you get a life? he never said that about Trekkies Shatner quoted why don't you get a life

he never said that about Trekkies did he oh no Bill you gotta look after fandom fair play

yeah fair play meanwhile can we return to the Fakenham branch of Morrisons no that can I

can you can I just mention no I must insist because he he booked into a restaurant as John Travolta. Love that. And this, you know, when it's around April Fool's Day, you're on your guard. And they thought it was an April Fool's.

But the restaurant was in Fakenham. So he probably was thinking, because it was like, will there be a restaurant when we get there? Is the whole thing going to be a big scam? Do you know what I liked? Was that he obviously, there's something of the Skinner in Travolta. You think? Bear with.

In the way that Frank embraces celebrity and all the good things that come with it, he goes into, for example, in a hotel, Frank, what do you do? Frank doesn't have room service, do you? What do you do? I go to breakfast so I can be seen. I think there's an element about the Travolta.

He's sort of thinking, I want to use my name. I don't want to get a table by the toilets. I told you when I went into a hotel and he said, Mr Skinner, we've put you a complimentary fruit bowl in the hotel. And it wasn't a very nice hotel. And I thought, that's nice. They've gone to the effort in a place like this. It was just a big three.

Apple, orange, banana. Just that was all that was covered. But, orange, banana. That was all that was covered. But lovely. Lovely gesture. A nice fork to eat it with. No, I just went for it. Like Cornelius. I mean from Planet of the Apes, not from

Planet of the Horses. We're talking about Travolta in Fakenham, in Norfolk. Yeah. He went to Morrison's. Whilst at Morrison's, I mean, of course you're going to keep an eye on what Travolta's putting in his trolley. Yeah. And fortunately they did.

He spent an hour in there. Dis hour in morrison's was he doing his like monthly shop was he waiting for food to be marked down with a yellow sticker was that just doing photos and he can't shop for an hour he bought bought what I like, Al. I don't know if you spotted this, is what he bought. Travolta bought a steak, fillet steak, so far so 70s footballer. Yeah. Bread rolls. That's a meal right there.

He also enquired about Morrison's own brand shortbread. Now how does he know about that? Yeah. He asked the manager. Did he say, I speak to the manager? I mean, how did this exchange work? And they hadn't got Morrison's own brand, shortbread. I know.

It was terrible. That makes me think he gets it flown to America and that he's a fan of it. He doesn't need to get it flown. He comes over, pick it up himself. Yeah, exactly. Just lower a rope ladder and he comes in through the skylight i would i'd love it if travolta did that if he flew over here just to get the morrison

shortbread but that thing about getting a steak and some bread rolls that's a but you know you know one of my favorite films is a film called barfly with mickey rourke and he's a great film films is a film called Barfly with Mickey Rourke. He plays Bukowski. He's going to fight this bloke who says, I need some fuel. He just breaks into someone's flat and eats

the contents of the fridge. It feels like that. I'm just going to get that steak all by the cookie. I'll just put it on a bread roll. I imagine he's got one of those little chalet fridges. Oh, I hope so. He's living, presumably, I mean, one doesn't know,

because they have, I call it the caravans, that they live in while they're filming. Oh, yes. Trailer. I like caravans. Keep it real. Yeah, it's nice. Okay.

I think so, trailer. I think the film's a bit plainly that he's doing. Is it Frederick Forsyth? It is. Just to make it even more 70s. It is. It's one of the most 70s things. Steak, John Travolta,

Frederick Forsyth, and he went to, did you read the fish food one? No. He went to a fish food restaurant and this is what he had. He had a dressed crab for a starter and then he had a bait lobster for his mate. Wow.

I mean, wow. And apparently he was sort of chewing a bit after. They said, how was the lobster? And he said, sandy. No, he didn't. No. But I don't know if you've ever. You need, there's like, crackers and picks is the things you need for those.

So it's a real elaborate job. You have to crack the bones. He also had, as a starter, Dress Crab, Lobster Bisque, and Lobster... I mean, what is it? Is he... Are they remaking The Man from Atlantis or something?

He just went through the fish ceiling. He went through the entire sea. Oh, man. I mean, that is is i'd love to have seen travolta taking on a whole lobster i wouldn't like to have smelt travolta in the morning though oh travolta in the morning that must be a song called that travolta in the morning eating steak on rolls. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Yes, John Travolta. I've snipped its kudos there. Yeah, he was in Norfolk and everyone thinks it was a prank. He was in a place called Fakenham and nobody's used the headline Fakenham News. Oh, well done.

Come on. Well, you have now. There might even be a newspaper called the Fakenham News, hadn't there? It's possible. You always say that. I do. He means that just in the fire heart. Hopefully he'll get back on stuff.

Anyway. It's really unique. It's a rarely heard approach. It's on the CIA's list of most wanted. He signed, whilst he was in Morrison's, I don't know if you saw this, that John Travolta signed someone's sausage rolls. Did you see that?

I think it was the packaging, though, wasn't it? You know, you were saying, Frank, could it be any more 70s? It just got more 70s. I mean, it also shows the cost of recent household inflation because there was a point in the past where celebrities signed chicken breasts, wasn't there? Was there? No, I was just making a...

OK. I was trying to make a clean version of... Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, he signed... Yeah, because I thought... It's a very confusing thing. He books a place at a vegan restaurant.

He buys steak and bread rolls. I think that was to balance out the vegan meal. Was it? He's a man of balance. And the fish as well. He's covering every foodstuff. There's nothing he won't eat, I'm guessing. I'll tell you what, though.

I know this is a sort of a straightforward texting, but what about most unlikely place you've seen a celebrity? Because the reason I mention this is I was walking to my gig last night down a street called Oppers Street in Islington in North London. We lived there briefly before it became fashionable. Did you really? Right suburb, wrong decade. So I was wandering down there at about five o'clock

down to my gig and I bumped into England legend Peter Beardsley. Wow. Now, I mean, you don't even think of him in London. Do you know what I mean and he was very friendly and I said

have you forgiven he said I was watching he said I was watching on YouTube and I played him you make him sound like

Spike from Nicholas Nicholson well I played him as Quasimodo in a sketch and I said have you forgiven us for that sketch and he says I have Well, I played him as Quasimodo in a sketch. And I said, have you forgiven us for that sketch?

And he says, I have. The missus hasn't. So he was very friendly. It was exciting. At the end of the day, it's Peter Beardsley. And you're talking. There's one moment when he says, you're looking really well. And his mate said, his mate said in a slightly Sherlock Holmes way, yeah, I was thinking that.

I thought, hold on, what's the difference there? And I actually said, I haven't had Botox. I got all defensive about it. I love the fact that Frank Skinner is having to deny to Peter Beardsley that he's had Botox. Peter Beardsley and his Dr. Watson that he's had Botox. Peter Beardsley and his Dr Watson that I've had Botox in a street.

Sorry, Al. Not a lot of point in being defensive. No, not against Beardsley. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Well done, I thought. Nicely done. Yeah, nicely done. One of your textings that you've started is unlikely locations to meet a celeb. Oh, yeah. And 196 has texted, hi, Frank, unlikely locations to meet a celeb. We met Tom Hanks in a kangaroo park near Cairns in Australia. Our young daughter was hand feeding a kangaroo and he came over and said that's a funny looking dog

we rolled around with laughter Robin Cheltenham was he talking about the daughter or the kangaroo? I think he meant the kangaroo but it's a joke that doesn't work as well in a kangaroo park but you would laugh at Hanks

wouldn't you? I mean of course there's something about the I mean we all love Hanks who doesn't at Hanks, wouldn't you? I mean, of course, there's something about the man. I mean, we all love Hanks. Who doesn't love Hanks? I think him and Wilson had some problems when he was shipwrecked. Oh, spoiler. Well, Travolta's been digging into Wilson. Has he?

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he a crab, Wilson? No, Wilson was a basketball. Oh, was that the basketball? Yeah. What was the crab he befriended? Oh, I don't remember that. Oh, he befriended a crab as well.

Did he? Yeah. Wilson is... I've still not seen it. Oh, yes, it's the ball. It's a regular brand name for basketball. It is. You haven't seen it.

It's very good. Still not seen it. It is good, actually. It's like... It's really not that bad. It's a bit like Life of Pi, but with a basketball instead of a tiger. Oh, right. So it's one for sports fans rather than atombrists. I can't top Tom Hanks in a kangaroo park.

I did see The Great Soprendo in Crispin's in Highgate Village once. Did you? What is Crispin's? It was one of those shops. I don't think they exist any longer, but you know what I mean by those shops? Let me explain. They tend to be open until 11 o'clock at night. Okay.

They tend to be double-fronted. Right. Very expensive produce, essentially. Food? Yes. Okay. Just sort of londis, I believe they do as well, but there was a Crispin's as well.

I imagine that the Great Soprano lived pretty well. Was he, like, buying the eye of bat and ear of toad or something like that for a little stew he was knocking on? Rabbit food. Well, I tell you, I hope he wasn't blind. He'd know. He'd be able to tell us about the top hat. Oh, yeah.

Did he favour a top hat? The magician doesn't wear the top hat so much anymore. No. They've all gone baseball cap and hoodie and stuff like that. It's hard to get a rabbit out of a baseball cap. It's better dressed down Friday modern. What do magicians wear now? They're more

sort of Derren Brown leisure wear aren't they? Yeah I tell you what when you mention the

great Soprendo I've never really questioned before the fact that he was called the great

as a matter of course. If I was to say to you oh by the way I've changed my name by

deep hole to the great Frank Skinner, I think there would be some, there would be an edginess in the room, there would be an atmosphere. No, it's better, the Great Skinner. Yeah. But I think, to be honest with you, Frank, Catherine did it.

Did anyone, was that a posthumous decision? Oh, Catherine the Great, yeah. Maybe we were, Alexander. No, but that's when you let other people do it for you. Yeah. Yeah, I think Alfred the Great was known as Alfred the Great while he was still around. I mean, that must have been...

Oh, he was a bit of a Soprendo. Do you think he was one of those sort of... Because he was known as a sort of, you know, a very sort of compassionate king. Do you think he was a bit... No, no, no, really. When people called him Alfred the Great. No, no.

Oh, come on. All right, then. I love Alfred the Great's aw-shocks attitude to price. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Your where-have-you-seen-a-celebrity-in-an a celebrity in an unusual place has opened up. I mean, the floodgates have opened.

It's absolutely. It has. Freddie Collier, Sean Connery in Legoland. Well, that's good. That's good. Tim, Bobby G from Bucks Fizz in my local Chinese takeaway back in the 80s. Bobby G. There you go.

Paul Eaton, Jonathan Ross and David Baddiel at Disney World in Florida. Oh, okay. No mention of me. I was also on that trip. You were there, were you? Hardly. Oh, that's cruel, isn't it? How cruel is that?

Look, when I started this texting, it never occurred to me for a second that you could be a victim of it. I'm sorry about that. I'm calling this texting the shade of it all. Well, I had a bit of an awkward moment when a bloke passed me in Beardsley and went, oh, Frank, how you doing?

Legend and all that. And I was thinking, notice Peter Beardsley. And he didn't. He didn't spot me. I notice peter beardsley yeah and he didn't he didn't didn't spot it i mean peter beard is not a minor figure no we've had a few people correcting you frank i'm sorry to say um 918 has texted hate to burst your basketball but wilson was a volleyball. Oh, was he? I thought it was crabs. Yeah, I got close to that. I didn't hit the bullseye, but I mean... You were in the same ballpark. Oh, very, very good.

Very good. What about... I don't know if this is an OK name. I think it is. Anyway, let's just say Northerner, just to check. Here's someone they've spotted. Dev from Corrie stood outside Salford

Sainsbury's in full leathers cockily eating a strawberry cornetto. I like cockily. I think this ceases to be objective. It was journalism and suddenly now it's got some sort of value judgment on it.

Yeah. We once saw Heather Mills McCartney in TK Maxx in Brighton. Oh. You did, personally? Yeah, she was choosing a ski jacket for Paul at the time. How do you know it was for Paul? Socks. She said, I want to get a ski jacket for Paul

and my wife overheard it. TK Maxx. I know. Announcing the... I suppose if you're married to Paul McCartney, you're going to drop it. But no, I mean, TK Maxx getting him a... Times are a bit hard.

I thought it was a nice touch. Oh, but it's uh you'd appreciate it i mean paul mccartney might be listening to this now and say hold on what that that ski jacket she told me was eight grand it was from ticket we might have broken an old man's heart he's just he's only just got over Asher. Can I say that you dropped the name? Because I've been, my friend Jane never does that. And I've urged her to, believe me.

But I remember we were driving into the Comedy Awards, which Jonathan Ross, her husband, was hosting into that car park in ITV. And she's so sort of, she so doesn't want to throw her weight around. She was kind of saying, well, I think there might be a parking space. My husband is one of the workers. One of the workers. Oh. I like that, though.

Yeah. My mother-in-law told me a story about being in the cafe at the bottom of our road. And she said, yeah, so I got talking to two or three people in there. Anyway, it came up that my daughter went out with Frank Skinner. And somebody said, I said, hold on. How did that come up?

In what string of coincidences did that? Anyway, I don't... I think Jonathan Ross is a better card to play, I'll be honest. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just one I'd like to share with you of these unlikely spots. Captain Cumberbatch's Curious Creations says, I met Dr. Brian May and Anita Dobson in Robert Dyess in Kensington That's good. In 1991

both very happy to chat I said to Anita, isn't he lovely? And she replied, I know aren't I lucky? I mean after the trouble she had The trouble she had with Dennis Dennis?

She called him Dennis didn't she never called Dennis oh man Fort Boyard do you remember

Fort Boyard which is where he sort of went next Dr Brian May and Anita Dobson might be my favourite

couple ever celebrity couple next to you and Kath obviously and Jonathan and Jane oh it's And Jonathan and Jane.

Oh, it's getting awkward. And David and Maude. No, you don't have to do that. But a celebrity couple. Yeah. There's couples I don't know. Dr Brian May and Anise Robson. I forgot.

What's he a doctor of? Didn't he study astronomy or something like that? Is it badgers he's interested in? You can't be a doctor of badgers. I think he's interested in badgers. What does he do with Badgers? I like the fact that Frank's very just like, you can't be a doctor

of Badgers. It's really black and white for him. Black and white with a bit of brown on it. Yeah, really. Does he work with Badgers? He fights for the rights of badgers. Oh, Beastie Boys party. Who doesn't? I say, but...

Yeah. No, he feels very strongly about it, I think. Oh, good on him. I think I'd really get on with him. The Queen had some on her roof, and he was up there looking, seeking them out. I don't know if you remember that. Good texting from 697. We saw Samuel L Jackson in Heathrow Airport.

One of us said, is that Samuel L Jackson? And he turned around and shouted, that's racist, man. But it was actually him. Wow. That's very funny. That's funny of him, I think. No, he's a... He did my phone message

for me when I interviewed him oh did he I said yeah he did the hi Frankie and come to the phone at the moment

and we've had a few I've had a sighting of him in Harley Street actually oh he's around in New Cavendish Street

oh in 2001 okay that'll be an ailment. Yeah. Celebrity ailment. And Neil Sutcliffe, Jeremy Beadle, the late Jeremy Beadle in Boots in Nottingham.

Well, I'll tell you, this is a true story. I was talking to Barry Cryer at an event and he suddenly pulled me into an alcove, just dragged me physically into an alcove and Jeremy Beadle walked past. I actually like Beadle. Me and Emily did a quiz over how many weeks? Six weeks or something.

Who won, Frank? We won. I wasn't going to mention that. Oh, I was. He was the quiz master. Man, he's good at that stuff. Oh, I was. He was the quiz master, man. He's good at that stuff. Old Beadle. He was the best.

Beadle knows a lot. Knew a lot. Yeah. We shall never see his like again. I want to talk to you boys about something. There's fellow pet owners. I say pet owners. you boys about something. There's fellow pet owners. I say pet owners. Super Vet told me.

He really discourages that phrase, pet owners. Because we don't own them. Because you can't own another living being. So, oh, that's my stomach. Yeah? Congratulations. Pet guardians. I disagree with Super Vet, by the way.

Do you? You can own a dog. Well, I mean, I paid good money. Yeah, we paid for it. Exactly. Did you, though, Al? Knowing you as I do, did you really? Yes, we did.

OK. Ours was extortionate. By the way, someone's found... Ours was extortionate. It is a rip-off if you get a good brand of dog. If you think yours was extortionate, let's not even discuss mine. Well, someone has found a navel on their dog, by the way. I wonder if we had contact from someone who's...

I'm not convinced. To me, it looks like one of those fur whirlpools that you get on dogs' bellies sometimes. Oh, yeah. We have. We've heard from... Oh, I'm going to have to do this. Sorry, I dropped you in there.

I'm afraid... I'll tell you what's happened. My screen's frozen. Oh, I hate it when that happens. Well, let's talk and we can come back to that. Okay, so what I wanted to talk to you about as fellow pet guardians is the rat. Because the RSPCA have...

They've turned into some sort of... They're being employed as rat PRs. Okay. They're encouraging us all to get, to consider the rat as a pet. Okay. Now, apparently, I didn't know this, but they're wonderful pets. They have a bad image as dirty and scary. They're seen as pests.

They have a bad image as dirty and scary. They're seen as pests. But according to the RSPCA, they are, and I quote, sociable, intelligent and friendly. Well, they can be trained. I mean, this is downright creepy, Frank. OK. Rats can be trained to count. Oh, I hope it's like one of my favourite phenomena in the animal world is horse counting.

You know, the dragged hoof. Oh, man, that is great. I could watch a horse count for probably an hour and still find it entertaining. I mean, how good are the rats at counting, though? Could they replace my calculator with my iPhone? I think not. Could they replace an abacus? What are they good for?

And do they use their little fingers, their little pink finger things? Well, this same expert, I'm going to give her a name, Dr Jane Tyson, and quote, rat welfare expert. Again, my April Fool's alert was on high. But she says they can be trying to high-five a human.

That's disgusting. But also, isn't it scientifically inaccurate? Have they got five to high with? Oh, I don't know. That's a good question. Surely it's a high four from a rat. Oh, listen. I'm coming's a good question. But also... Surely it's a high four from a rat. Oh, listen. I'm coming home from a long, hard day.

OK, that's an exaggeration, but I'm coming home anyway. I don't want a rat sitting on my sofa, counting, high-fiving me, belly out, watching the telly, being all sociable. Oh, I'm up late tonight. I keep night hours. I don't want that in my house. Well, I'm going to quote another expert, because I particularly up late tonight. I keep night hours. I don't want that in my house. Well, I'm going to quote another expert because I particularly enjoyed this quote.

Dr. Vicky Neville, who I think works for the RSPCA. Oh, no, no. She works for Bristol University and she's been researching rats as pets. And she said they're much nicer than people think, et cetera, et cetera, more PR. She said in a way they're like tiny dogs

i would say my um description of big mice is much closer much more helpful to people who've never seen a rat what does a rat look like it looks like a tiny dog really extremely misleading i would say also i don't even like humans high-fiving me. Certainly not putting up with it with some rat. Well, Larry Lamb was on Room 101, and he put in high-fives. It's something he really... You don't want to get him living with a rat. No.

Put the rat amongst the... Lamb and rat. I love that pub. Yeah. What do you mean, they're my solicitors? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, listen.

Rats, apparently over 200,000 people in this country keep rats as pets. That's not right. One of them has got in touch with us, Dr G. Dr G says rats are amazing pets. We have three at the moment. You can train them to do tricks. They're bright, intelligent and so friendly. I'd just get Frank Skinner for that, if you want that. My problem with this is that whenever I've seen people in public with a pet rat,

they're always self-styled, colourful characters. Wide-brimmed leather hat. Yeah, exactly. Long leather coat. Are they a bit Ebenezer? Heavily pierced. Are they a bit Ebenezer Good? They're usually mid-aged men.

That kind of fashion change, I think. I think a rat is slightly cheaper than a look at me neon sign. But they seem to operate in the same way. But I'm sure not all... I'm on about your public rat, your exhibitionist.

I know who the rat you mean. Can't these people get a personality hat like everyone else? Exactly. And often they'll have a rat on sometimes you see it on a collar a collar and lead and stuff and rats don't they don't it's not they don't take well to lead no can i say there's no rats in leads one of the things that part of me one of the things that puts me off most about rats i'm very open i'm very open to this, I understand Dr G, I'm going to listen to you, but the hand things, those disgusting long nails they've got. Have we worked out when they hand thing, is it five?

I've got a picture, I can't even look at it. I still think it's four. The second thing that troubles me is the beadiness of the eye often looking a bit like they've been up a while you know what i mean that's like pinky around the edges thing like you just put coffee well you just put the light on that's what rats look like why do rats always look like they've just woken up and big bombs they've got really big like fat backsides have they?

you know the clown trouser that has like a hoop instead of a belt they're like that they're slim to the waist and then they really it's all got to be a pear shape for the rat world but look if you've got a rat who you love fair enough you know I think that then they really, it's all got to be a pear shop for the rat world.

But look, if you've got a rat who you love, fair enough, you know, I think that's fine. A love rat? Yeah. Oh, wow. Most famous love rat? James Hewitt. Lovely.

Well done, Frank. Well done. I was bitter that didn't come up earlier. I think most famous love rat would have been a nice text is he in the love rat chair

he definitely is isn't he there might have been I think I'm afraid I might tell

you who else was in the love rat chair Darren Day was in the love rat chair but wasn't there a pit

moment because we all loved Jennifer and we fell but he was briefly there.

You mean Brad Pitt, not William Pitt, the younger? Yeah, exactly. Brad Pitt, the younger, and Brad Pitt, the elder. Is there a son called Brad? It'd be great if they'd have Pitt, the younger, and Pitt, the elder. Oh, they should be, shouldn't they? I saw my tour manager. He's not currently my tour manager manager but he was on the last tour

Omar Omar last night and he was asking me about a question about who was in the something chair what was it? and that's it

I can't remember but if he gets in touch with me I'm going to ask it next week and we'll work it out ok he blanked me

for a long time because he supports Fulham and they played West Brom and he said I think we'll beat you 4-1 and we won 1-0 so I

texted back well he was right about the 1 and I didn't hear from him for a month big sock on that one well hopefully he won't be listening today if he is

he went straight into tour manager mode last night and escorted me across town to heaven and then left me at the door to see yeah well maybe you should talk about that off air yes okay no this was the lovely eggs gig not club night uh i have been to a Heaven Club night. Man, that is people really going for it on the dance floor. Fantastic. Okay. So thank you so much for listening today and for all your contributions by text, email and tweet. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.