The Frank Skinner Show - Our Listeners

Episode Date: October 8, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun share their thoughts on Jodie Marsh's extraordinary new look and they find out what listeners get up to whilst tuning in to the show.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Here, Governor. Here, Governor, try my lovely hot potatoes, try my lovely hot potatoes with a bit of butter. Who is this? That was, er, telesales in Victorian England. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Oh, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran, a.k.a. The Cockerel.

I'm not doing any jingles. I might do them later on. You don't always have to. No, I feel like I have to do them every time. I thought that was coming. When Emily didn't get hers, I thought, oh, we're not getting it. No, but, you know, never say never. Is that a James Bond title?

Yes, it is. It is, yeah. Never say never. Along with Skyfall. Oh, yeah, yeah. The new Bond film. Oh, is that right? That's what it's going to be called.

It's all about how Kay Burley is taken out by a sniper during the afternoon news. I'm looking forward to it. She's not, She doesn't perish. She comes back as a rebuilt Bond villain. Like a scary version of those moments in the 80s when people broke into the newsroom. Remember when it was used to be live and some protesters got in? Oh, yeah, the 70s or 70s.

Yeah, I get mixed up with that and Jan Leeming's earring falling off. Yeah. I don't think that was a protest. When news reading goes bad, clip shows or something. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love it when weather goes bad. That's my favourite.

Yeah. And also pork. I don't know if you've seen that. When pork goes bad. When pork goes bad. Lots of shots of people being, oh. Not being sick, but going, oh. I know I wasn't.

Yeah, just don't feel right. I knew that smelled a bit funny. Just an hour of that. Hank. Yes. We've had a text in already on 8-12-15. On 8-12-15. Yeah.

And? It's from Steve. He's either called Steve Swansea... He won't be called Steve Swansea unless he's a sort of a club comedian, like Eric Morecambe or David Essex, for that matter. In that case, he's no friend to the comma. But he says, hi, Frank and team...

Do they have commas in Wales? There's no room. Too many consonants. Someone's got to give. Go on. He says he loved the John Myatt portrait. So I haven't seen this. This was the show you did, wasn't it?

Yes, I did a show called Fame in the Frame. And this is a mystery to me. I was painted by John Myatt, who was a former art forger, for a Sky Arts programme. And I watched it this week. I taped the whole series. It's a great show. And it was Imelda Staunton and Jim Carter, the well-known married actor people.

So I thought it was a very good show. And then a man texts in now and says, I enjoyed it. So I don't know if I just... Maybe they do a thing if you're on the show, you get a different one for a bit of variety. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they do. Plug it into your Skypops. A man comes round in the day.

Well, it just seems a bit odd, doesn't it? Everyone else... Very specific Skypack. Everyone else's cities... Well, mine was, of course, supplied by Sky. So that is not out of the question. It's 3D for a start-off. Wow.

I'm jealous. That's a sincere wow, that. You know, I've caught the actual logo three times. I knew eventually. I've actually got quite a good grip on the Y of the Sky. But then it's gone. Anyway, that's enough about sky. I mean, what is this?

Some sort of promo? I am... Speaking of... ..cab drivers... LAUGHTER ..which I'm sure many of our listeners are... Yeah. ..in a kind of a, where is that cab driver?

You know, all ready for their holidays. Oh, I thought you meant you said there were cab drivers. Well, some of them will be cab drivers. You did have a cab driver story that I'm quite keen to hear. Yes. Well, this... Are you hurrying me along? Yeah. OK. It's in a word. I was at the BBC.

That's my life. And I got into a car and we'd even left the precincts when this guy said to me, oh, my daughter's a bit of a celebrity. And I thought, well, that's interesting. Who's it going toian woman and he said yeah he said she's the youngest person to go to all the continents he said including antarctica i said how young was she when she did that he said 205 days no and i said right did you have to do some mental arithmetic where you divided that i said well you must have been frantic. He said, no, I went with her. So, yeah, so I don't know, what's 205 days?

About seven or eight months? Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah. That's a long, I mean, extraordinary Phileas Fogg child. Yeah, no, what he did was he read, he said he was browsing through the Guinness Book of Records. I mean, how 70s is that i didn't think does it still exist the guinness book of records but anyway they was used to say it was in my childhood it was all it was always just catching up with the

bible in sales that was one of the big that was one of the big head-to-heads this was years before blur oasis it was it was gu Guinness Book of Records Bible. Wow. They were like that. That's great. It was like, there was Cohen over it, Guinness Book of Records Bible. Yeah. And white bread brown bread.

Stork butter. It's another big, big rivalry. Anyway, I'm not going to go through all the rivalries of my youth. But anyway, he said he was browsing through it and he saw that the youngest person to go to all the continents was uh about about a year old or something so he thought oh so um you know he books he made some phone calls booked some tickets and whizzed around the globe with his um with his tiny child and she's in so i was I must admit, I was quite impressed by that. So I don't know about you, but I've got a world record.

Do you? Oh, what's that? I've got the world records for having the least world records, which is one. Just one, which is for having the least world records it's quite a big group of us but it's true we've all got that record we're all in it we're all we've all we're all record breakers what about that oh good shall we end this by singing dedication no but there's another there's another thing to this because it it then turns out... Well, that's not the only achievement?

No, that's not the only... I don't mean our achievement. I mean, so he's got this daughter, and she's the youngest ever, been to Antarctica, et cetera. So his son gets to about four and then says to him one day, why can't I have a world record? Oh. And then the second quest begins. Oh, he didn't just say to him, you're too old?

No, at four. Yeah, he's after a different record. Oh, he's after a different world, isn't he? Yeah, he had the tape measure out. World's Shortest Man was a no-go. And so he got the old, he got the Guinness Book of Records off the shelf again. Wow. And

this tale will continue. Absolute Radio, Frank Skimmer. Where was I? Ah, yes. So, um, again wow and uh this tale will continue absolute radio frank skimmer where was i i guess so um so the four-year-old kid says why can't i have a record daddy and he says okay we'll find you he said what about multipolyglot and the child said pardon the child says i'll do it and so what he has to do in order to to be the youngest multi-polyglot, you have to speak six languages fluently. So he's current, bear in mind, he's six years old. Yeah.

He's currently, he speaks English and Tamil already. He's currently learning Latin, Greek, Mandarin and Arabic. Come for the easies. Oh. Yeah, so he's thinking by the time he's 10, he'll be the youngest multipolyglot in his book of records. That's amazing. I wish I'd had parents that had realised

that you need to start early on these records. I worry about the gap. These records. That means by the time he's 10... You worry about the gap. The gap, he's... I was up there in pretty good state. Why, have you heard something?

It's rumours like this that send companies down the plug hole. I mean, these children should be worry about the gap? I was up there in pretty good state. Why, have you heard something? It's rumours like this that send companies down the plug hole. I mean, these children should be working in the gap. They probably are indirectly. A lot of children for the Asian subcontinent. He's going to get in the Guinness Book of Records age 10

and his sister's going to be like, nine years behind, loser. Because she's got in there at under one, hasn't she? Yeah, but she's going to be thinking, well, nine years behind, loser, because she's got in there at under one, hasn't she? Yeah, but she's going to be thinking, well, I need to go two records now. Also, let's face it. Next thing you know, she's walking past the pork pie shop with a wheelbarrow for her practice sessions.

Let's face it, Frank, it's not like she's achieved anything. At least that second child. I don't wish to put her down. It's a bit harsh, isn't it, if you've been to Antarctica? No, but I had been to at least four continents by the time I was about three. Had you? Yes. No, I was in continent.

As close as it gets. I didn't get on a plane until I was 33. And even then I was wearing a full-face bat of clava. That was a different story. Anyway, apparently I'd had a lot of stress. I've got a squeaky chair. Sorry, everyone. Can you hear that?

I can hear it. I assumed it was your spinal cord. I wasn't going to mention it. I noticed a pool of syrup behind your seat. I thought all the fluid from your spinal cord was running out. So, yeah, so I would have gone. I was thinking if my parents had had the foresight, I would never have caught my toenails. Oh, yeah.

Because that's a nice, easy one. Oh, yeah. But you've got to start early. I was thinking fold them under, under the feet, and then round back of the ankles, up the back of the calves, right the way to... They completely enclosed my body. Then when I lay on the floor on my side i'd look like a murder victim what do you think no but you could

do it if there's anyone here now who's about to have a child that's my advice work the record out in advance and then you can you can start yeah because you sometimes think what's the point of having a child if they're not in the guinness of Records? That's what this bloke has convinced me. I constantly look at my own son and feel that anguish. It has such relevance now, the Guinness Book of Records. It is. I think it's at the centre. Pick an unusual record. There's so many children now after the Britain's Fattest Man.

It's going to be... Whether they know it or not, they're in that competition. They don't know it. No, destiny is pushing them. Why? Well, not so much pushing them as rolling them. But pick an unusual record. Yeah.

I wish my parents had been a bit more ambitious for me, to be honest. Because they were very... You've done all right, haven't you? Oh, well, they were very 70s and laid back. It was all very ambition is a bourgeois concept. They didn't like that very much. I like that as an attitude. Oh, do you, Frank?

Oh, you would have liked... But no, I do wish they'd encouraged me to be good at sport. Because I've never been very good at sport. And I just think, like a Williams sister dad, that would be great. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel the same about golf. Because it's obviously not done Tiger Woods any harm, has it?

There's been no long-term damage about him being hothoused to become a golfer. Well, yeah, do you think that's what made him sleep with lots of ladies? Because he played golf as a child. It doesn't make any sense. I think it is... You think he can't go to bed without 18 holes, is that what you're saying? Exactly, yeah. Too much pitch and pot.

Yeah, I... I don't know you see i i was once taught pilates by the former lithuanian sportswoman of the year i think i think i think we all were in our own way no i was and yeah it's absolutely true and she'd been one of those um gymnast children who'd been taught by and she said she hated it you know but she was in she was in amazing shape um and uh and i think it's i used to have an english teacher who said to me that if he had a child he would manacle it to a piano for five hours a day he said and he'd hate me until he was about 18 and then he'd be eternally grateful because he'd uh i mean i think he'd be expected to play it not just not keep the lid locked yeah but it's a great opportunity to um yeah yeah to build a record breaker absolute radio

with frank skinner we've had a text in, my daughter is just starting to learn to drive. Is there a world record for most expensive car insurance? Yes. When you next fold them up, Tony, in Cambridge, add that she works in entertainment and see how that goes for you. That'll do. I did that once and I said,

why is my insurance so high? And they said, you work in entertainment? I said, and? And they said, you work in entertainment? I said, and? And they said, well, we associate with late driving and a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. I said, well, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do anything. She said, yeah, but imagine if you gave Terry Wogan a lift home and there was an accident, what if he sued?

Am I going to... Don't think that you're out of show. And you say, do you want to... Which way are you going, Terry? I'll probably... You know, there's a Terry? There's a car. A car comes for Terry Wogan. Also, I don't like what they're suggesting

about Terry Wogan's lifestyle either. Also, that he's been vindictive enough to sue. I don't know Terry, but I'm not sure he's that litigious, is he? No. Well, I suppose it depends on the extent of the injuries and whether he blamed me. I think Evans might.

It could be terrible. I don't might, but let's leave it there. It could be terrible. I don't know. If I had to write a list of people I see disappearing through my windscreen at a sudden break, he'd be quite low down. I couldn't cope with Terry. Especially if he looked and the hair was still on the rearview mirror.

I couldn't cope. But you can imagine that. He wouldn't go, watch out, Frankie! Go, oh, watch out, we're about to... I mean, there'd be no urgency, that's all. It wouldn't be a right warning. Yeah, but on the subject of world records, I do wish that I had been encouraged to do gymnastics by my mum.

She was very encouraging, sports-wise and stuff like that. No, I mean, I just think there isn't an area in my life that wouldn't be improved by the ability to do a backflip I genuinely think most bits of life would be better if you could think I can backflip out of this yeah you know that's true if you had a meeting and it wasn't going well I can leave this through the backflip yeah and you can tell because the most joyful moment in men's life is scoring a goal at football And even then there's some of them that score a goal and do a backflip and the others don't That's proof isn't it that backflips are fun to do

I'm still chewing over the most joyful moment in a man's life is scoring a goal To properly score a goal in a football match where people are watching that's properly exciting isn't it Well I don't know. Do you remember the guy who beat me at Noughts and Crosses? Oh, yeah. Well, I played him this week. I played him at Scissors, Paper, Stone and won 3-0. Oh, good.

And I don't think a backflip could have made me any happier. Really? I love these retro tournaments you keep having with this character. Yeah, I'm looking for a nice, simple... I can't be bothered to be charging games, you know what I mean? And computers and things. Right. I want to get back to the old chess. Let's know how the old conkers did next week.

I find chess quite hard. Conkers would be... That's a good idea. You and him next week. Are they in season, conkers? They are. Oh, are they ever? My house is full of them.

Don't you have to soak them in urine, or have I... Is that... I think you're thinking of something else. Is it? I don't know what, but I think you're thinking of something else. It's conkers or Mexicans. I'm sure it makes them hard. Maybe it's football boots.

If you get a very stiff football boot. I think he's supposed to soak them in. Have you got urine and dubbing mistaken? No, I was talking to David Badil about this, because he's got very stiff football boot, I think he's supposed to soak them in. Have you got urine and dubbing mistaken? No, I was talking to David Baddiel about this because he's got some stiff football boots and he said, you must know some old-worldy thing. And I said, I believe you soak them in urine, but it was easy when I was a child

because you just hang them out the bed. But, of course, middle-class people, they don't have a concentrated area of urine in their house. You know, you call that progress? Not frank. What else? I think Cockrell Jr. might well be in the Guinness Book of Records for collecting conkers and for the ability to have the same conversation.

He asked me the other day when he was in his bath and he had a little, like a floating thing that you stick on the side of the bath, and it was floating and he put a little Lego man on it or something like that and I said, oh it's like a raft and he said, what's a raft? And I said, it's like a floating ledge and he said- A floating ledge? Yeah, that's what I went for. I've never- that's a quite a good definition of a raft.

I quite like that. Well I think it is but then Cockrell Junior went, what's a floating ledge? And I said, it's like a raft. And then he went, what's a floating... But you made it circular. I know, and once I'd started, I could not be broken. 25 minutes later, he was still in the bath in cold water, and we were still having the exact same conversation. Oh, I bet he was crinkly.

I'm going to have called social services. Yeah, exactly. God, you could have grated cheese on him. cheese on him. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. I've been to the dentist this week, first time for 18 months and you know last week we were talking about

hearing people say, what's the damage? The person in front of me at the dentist walked up after he'd been in and said, what's the damage? It's coming back. Well I thought, it's a good job that he said it to the woman on reception rather than the dentist in case the dentist then went oh you've got some early tartar corrosion on your molars. I was going to say that. It could have been a genuine inquiry, in fairness.

Early tartar erosion on your molars. Something like that. I know, I know, it's serious. OK, so that was about 17 quid. All right, yeah, yeah, fine. But the dentist had the uh, had the radio on. He had a bit of radio too on. And, uh, and I was thinking- What, in the actual, uh-

In the, in the thing, yeah. It was, uh, it was a weekday, so it was, uh, you're listening to Ken Bruce. We had a little Ken Bruce moment. Yeah. And I was thinking, what, would it have been better had it been absolute? Had it, I mean, I don't know. Had it been, I mean, I might have said, you know, I can't listen to Matt Berry's voice, could you do some drilling? You could. Maybe not. I went round David Baddiel's house the other night and his son, Ezra, his little boy, was saying, it's absolute radio effects, get out. Get out of that very... It was brilliant. He was better. I might bring him in.

Yeah. But he's only a little man as well. He's going... He's terrifying. It was a slightly weird moment, because I suddenly realised, oh, we're on the radio on Saturday mornings, and people are probably not in the dentist's chair during this, but...

I don't know. I think you can have a Saturday morning appointment. Could you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm still a bit old school. I think everyone does Monday to Fridays in the real world. I've been at nine o'clock on a Thursday at my... Oh, yes.

Late night Thursdays at my dentist. What is this new 24-hour culture? You've gone a bit free milk at schools. I am. Times have changed, love. I am. I am still in that mindset. But what are people doing when... I like the idea that somebody...

Because we know vaguely don't we we know that there's a woman who's an athlete who was listening to us in the waiting room before going in the competition yeah oh yeah wasn't there a scientist that was working and listening to the podcast but i don't know a representative these people i don't i hope there's someone doing some farming. The bulk of our listeners are world athletics championships competitors. We're struggling. I mean, I imagine most of our listeners are still in bed. Oh, yeah.

That's what I always think. That's why I never read erotica out on the show. Oh, I hope they're all in bed. I don't want that kind of responsibility, you know what I'm saying? I think most of them are in bed. That's what I've always imagined. But maybe that's where I'd be if I wasn't doing this show I suppose the 20-somethings will be lying in bed having that sort of

you make the tea, no you make the tea argument that you have when you're in your 20s Well no, I didn't have a girlfriend when I was in my 20s so it was either, it was, where's my sherry? when I lay in bed in the morning, but we're all different well I'd love to know

if anyone's in anything unusual that they can tell us about. How could they tell us that? 8, 12, 15? They could text us on 8, 12, 15. I think that would be a septab. I listened to Ian Lee in the bath the other night. What was he doing in your bath? Why didn't you shut the door?

That is, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, isn't it? Yeah, how was that? It was quite enjoyable. But I do find when listening to the radio in the bath, you've got to time your dunks because you go underwater. I'll do it. No, thanks. You know when you dunk your head underwater?

I get out for that. I was going to say, I've got the call, yeah. Yeah, I get out for... I mean, going to say, I've got the call, yeah. Yeah, I get out for... I mean, I'll stay in for liquid, but I'll... I'll get out for animal vegetable mineral. Absolute Radio

with Frank Skinner. Emily. Yes. Frank. Now, I was telling you about how I sometimes... Well, the other night, I was listening to Ian Lee in sometimes, well the other night I was listening to Ian Lee in the bath and it was very enjoyable, the experience don't sound surprised

no I adore Ian Lee, he's one of my faves the Lee Meister as I think they call him is that what they call him? I call him Ian to his face it's shorter isn't it? I call him Ian Lee when I'm speaking about him in the third person I don't know him well enough to call him Ian in the third person

I don't like it when people do that it's like when Ray Wilkins is the co-commentator on Chelsea and he says oh Frank did very well there I know you used to work with them but now you just back off back off butch that's my new catchphrase

back off butch we've had lots of texts in. Good! Cockerel. And they're telling us what they're doing whilst listening to us. Oh, yeah. No, it's all relatively clean. It's all broadcastable so far. Relatively clean. That's what I call this show.

721. The whole family are listening on our way to a karate lesson. See, that makes me want more. I want to know what style. Are they doing Shotokan like the cockerel did? Oh, yeah, of course the cockerel was a big go. First down black belt. Karate cock. Oh, yeah, first down.

Yeah. I'd like to know more, but I don't want to force them to text. No, don't. Don't force them, because if you imagine, that car is a seething, bubbling mass of pre-violence. Yeah. You know, they're all getting

keyed up to go in there and cause some... I think what I want to ask on the way back is what's the damage? Yeah. Both to you and to your opponents. Might be a cata class. They might not have hurt each other. I'm worried about his... He's all the jargon. I'm worried about him

steering on the way back when he's got quite a lot of resin on the hands. From, you know, from the resin tray where he gets it. You think it's like Bloodsport with Jean-Claude Van Damme. They don't use a resin tray. Do they not? They wrap their hands in string and dip them in hot wax. Perhaps I'm thinking sumo.

That would have been a great one. It's an old family on our way to a sumo lesson. That would have been a great image. It's an old family on our way to a sumo lesson. That would have been a great image. That's from absolute Japan. We're on our 12th packet of Jammie Dodgers and we haven't got off the drive yet. 549, listening to you streaming on a farm in West Sussex. Streaming? Excellent.

That's from Smalley. But we need to know if he has a cockerel. That's what we need to know. Oh, he has a cockerel. I bet he... need to know. Oh, he has a cockerel. I bet he... Is he called Smalley? Yes, he is. I bet he gets very confused when I go.

I bet he checks his watch and goes, he's a bit... Hang on a minute. He's a bit off this morning. Brian, I think that's the name of their cockerel. Strimming is... Now, forgive my ignorance, is that like cutting grass with a whiz wheel? I believe so, yes. Strimming is... Now, forgive my ignorance, is that like cutting grass with, like, a whiz wheel?

I believe so, yes. Yeah, yeah. OK. Let's call it a strimmer or a whiz wheel. Yeah, I think a whiz wheel is better, isn't it? We've had a few dogs... Do they not use hose on the... No.

Not since that guy chucked Rihanna on. No. Do they not have... No, scythes is what I'm after. Oh, scythes, yeah. Do they not have scythes? Do they not have scythes? Like those Grim Reaper accessories. I'm not sure scythes are in farming. I don't know why I'm now a consultant for the farming community.

You sound a bit northern. I imagine you know your way around a combine harvester, am I right? No. I bet you know your way around a harvester. Oh, yeah. You should see me at a buffet. your way around a combine harvester, am I right? No. I bet you know your way around a harvester. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah.

You should see me at a buffet. Any more? Yeah, yeah, plenty of dog ones, actually. I like Baz in Dorset, Cockerel. What's Baz in Dorset? Where's he gone? He says, I've sat on my bed with my three rottweilers, Boss, Bear and Stella, having a cheese and onion crisp sandwich.

I wouldn't let them on the bed. Oh, don't touch their dish. Don't touch their dish. Definitely don't touch their dish. They don't like it. Three rottweilers, definitely don't touch them. I like the cheese and onion crisp sandwich, so I love one of those. Plenty of butter is the secret with that.

No, Baz has got some, what he calls, Tommy sauce. Tommy sauce? What, on a crisp sandwich? Yeah, apparently. Baz is something of an eccentric. I think we'd already established that with the three Rottweilers. Three Rottweilers on the bed. I don't, I'm not keen on that.

I sometimes listen to a podcast on a dog walk, so I can sort of see why that would catch on. And somebody else has texted in, listening, out walking the dog, Simon in Ampthill near Bedford. Good, good. I like getting a real sense now of our people. If I was Baz, what I would do, I'd just get my fingers just under the edge of the fitted sheet,

just ping it up, get the three of them in it, carry them downstairs, and say, no more on the bed you three I don't know if you've ever seen three rottweilers in a tightly secured fitted sheet oh it's fun was that your follow up single? I never heard that

it's my new book it's a picaresque novel set in the dog training world Frank Frank Frank, Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. People have been texting it. Baz, who had the Rottweilers, has returned.

Had the Rottweilers? Oh, now what's happened? I was just giving you a pre-see of who I meant. He didn't put them in the fitted sheet with a couple of house bricks and then to the nearby lake. No, he's referred to that, though. Baz, here again, it's their bed. They let me on it once a week as a treat.

I tried that fitted sheet trick once, but now I'm known as Fingerless Baz with the two false legs. Oh. Yeah, yeah. But he has added lol, which has made me think, oh, dear, you've blown it, Baz. Well, it might not be be it might not be laughing yeah good old bass he spent what a pound yeah yeah i've got a frog in my throat okay well frank we've had seven five nine rapid in a 50s oh my god that's the worst thing you've ever done.

Oh, it's taking me back to the Sherry days. It was a mime, don't worry, folks. I find dry retching really funny. Oh, well, stick around, you'll enjoy it. We've had a text in 759. There's still us monkeys working on building sites for normal pay, but don't worry, we are listening and enjoying it. Nice.

I think that was a double-edged sword, wasn't it? Yeah. A double-edged hod. It would be brilliant if they actually are monkeys. Oh, that'd be great. Because I've often thought there's no reason why they couldn't do building work. As long as they didn't, obviously the architecture and stuff like that, but the general labouring, they could

be trained. Of course, if they, this is not helping, is it? You're going, yeah, you could be monkeys instead. His word. Well, he's probably got a more... No, but is it monkeys... You know, my grandad believed that monkeys should be sent to war. Because, I mean, not in the skilled jobs, but in... It's not fine stuff. I mean, not in the skilled jobs, but, you know, just imagine if you're there and about 800 chimpanzees come over the hill.

You'd be absolutely terrified. You'd be flummoxed. This was in the days of Lyca, though. What? Lycra? No. There weren't we, Lycra. Not in that desert warfare. Lyca the dog. I mean, when they sent animals into hostile environments.

Yeah, exactly. They still have dogs at war, of course. Anyway, I'm not suggesting that monkeys could completely run building sites. That would be ridiculous. But if you can text in, then they're obviously quite capable digitally. They've got no alternating thumbs. How do they do that? You must have one of those big phones with the numbers on it, you know, like old people

get. Do you know what I mean? Yes, my father's got one. I know this. Old phones with big numbers? I don't know that. It sounds like a country and western song. Old phones with big numbers from you.

Extraordinary. Frank, we've had a text in from Mrs C in Wiltshire. A little bit cheek Thanks. Frank, we've had a text in from Mrs C in Wiltshire. A little bit cheeky. I always tell my husband that I'm in bed with Frank on a Saturday morning. Oh, Mrs C, you are a one. Isn't she?

Well, that's a lovely thought, though, Mrs C. I hope she's wearing a nice flannelette nightie. That's who I'm picturing, Mrs. C. Is that your thing? I mean, it's not out of the question that it could be a negligee. It could, who knows?

Oh, we should mention 408, who's texted in. Hi, Al and Emily and Frank. If you want to play Conkers, my daughter has beaten her last year's total with a collection of 2,267 this AW, which I think means autumn, winter in Emily's beat. They're going to need a lot of 2,267 this AW which I think means autumn winter in Emily's I'm going to need a lot of urine we played last night but unfortunately I won all three battles

you're supposed to let them win some yeah she's 12 and he's 47 oh that's wrong and he's put love the show Carl 408 which I think proves that he's a long time listener doesn't it long time listener first time tester he his total tally. Yeah.

But, oh, no. Well, there you go. She didn't text him because her fingers are too bruised and battered from his wild, lashing swings at the concrete. I'm glad you brought up the subject of conkers, because I'd like to discuss the sheen of Jodie Marsh this week. Oh, Jodie Marsh. Did you see? I did see

Jodie Marsh. Jodie Marsh, in case you don't know the former. Is she a former glamour model? I don't know what she used to be. Yeah. She's one of those people that's never really been. No. But, um. She's reality TV star. That's what they call themselves now. Fair enough. But anyway, she's become a bodybuilder and came fifth

in the title championships. I had to say, I saw her on Lorraine. What a video that was. Oh, what a night. Of course, Lorraine couldn't get a good grip on it

because she was so oiled. It was like trying to take off. Have you ever grabbed an enormous hake when you've been on a fishing trip? Oh, my, you can't do it. She's very ripped, though, isn't she? Very oiled up. Ripped? I'll tell you something.

I honestly felt I was going to cry. Did you? I really, I've never been so, oh, no. Because she, because she i don't it's in the paper as well she's got this incredible like body and all bronzed and all that and she had like a little the little cop it was like one of them you know those places where they'll cut you a key yeah and they have trophies in the wind it was was one of those little, you know, first year tug of war. It was like when I won the road safety trophy when I was five. Oh, I was so, I felt so sad. It reminded me that I never won.

I was so rubbish at sport. One of the great tragedies of my life is that I love sport, but I can't do it. And we were in a thing called the Crocodile Race, which in itself, it's not Olympic, before you look it up. And we came third in that our house as it were not not not me and my family our house like schoolhouse and um all named after catholic saints in case you're wondering and and uh the first one's got a shield and the second one got little cop and we got a piece of blue cardboard with third on it. And I remember, as I got it,

because I'd seen footballers and stuff like this, I kissed the blue card. Oh, my God. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So, we were talking about Jodie Marsh. We were. And I find that Jodie Marsh makes me feel fine. She's blowing down the back roads.

Yes, I think she looks amazing, really. Do you? Do you think she looks freaky and horrible? No, I mean, I was quite... She said she's done very well out of it. She said she's got at least 50 men interested in her. That's quite a lot of men, isn't it? I don't think I know 50 men.

No, I haven't been interested in her for a while. She'd had a baron spell. The marsh had been barren. A key baron spell. They're interested in what grounds, though? I don't know, training tips? They might want her to just, you know, fill some robble bags. Because she looks so...

She has, Frank, 15 egg whites a day. I read that. Yeah, I read that. What a stupid figure that is. I mean, at least if you're going to eat eggs to excess, eat them in multiples of six. Yeah. I don't, you know, I hate the idea of those three left in the box.

Between 12 or 18. Yeah. I eat that anyway. I eat 15 egg whites a day. Do you? But it's probably in cake form. Oh, shit. Not directly.

And also, why just the whites? The yolk has got the cholesterol in it, hasn't it? Exactly right. No, no, I was just reading the history of P.W. Voter, the former South African president. Did I read that out loud? No, no. No, but what is...

The yolks aren't good for you. Well, there's a bit of debate about this. Oh, is there? Because actually I think the yolks have a lot of good fats that helps you... You know a lot about fat. But, Frank, it's... I'm like Jodie. A lot of people...

I'm all about the protein. For example, in LA, a lot of people order an egg white omelette. That's very popular. An egg white omelette. That's very popular. An egg white omelette? That must be very pale. It's disgusting, but it's lovely and keeps your weight down. What does she do with the yolks? I don't know.

You see, what I'd do... It's a very medieval question. What I'd do is I'd hard boil them, and then I'd use them to make direction signs for the blind. Oh, that's nice. Like large print braille. That would work, wouldn't it? It would.

I'm not even sure it lasts. Do you think this is true, that she is eating 15 egg whites a day? Or do you think it's just... I mean, that would be menacing as well. No, I think it's 12. I can't believe she's opening that third box just to take half of it. If she starts having odd numbers, she's going to end up developing a seven pack. Yeah. Who wants that in their life?

It is true, because I've spent a lot of time, you're unaware of this, Frank, I've spent a lot of time with the world's strongest men. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I know they eat a lot of protein. Oh, they do. Set the alarm for four in the morning to eat a Mars bar. No.

Now I know that, I can't reveal. Should I stop marrying faithful, you're thinking of? They set the alarm for four in the morning to eat a Mars bar? Yes! Thank God they're not sleeping with Bazzi's three Rottweilers. Oh, God, yeah. God, you wouldn't want to open the drawer on the Mars bar drawer three o'clock in the morning if you're on their bed.

Yeah, but surely that's just sugar. Surely four o'clock in the morning if you're on their bed. Yeah, but surely that's just sugar. Surely the four o'clock in the morning. Oh, is this for the weight? Yeah, exactly. Weight gain.

Yeah. But it does make, now that Jodie Marsh is all muscly, it does make, if 50 men are chatting her up, it must be quite difficult to chat her up now.

Like, how do you let your eggs in the morning, love? Fifteen, hard-boiled, don't give me the yokes. Yeah,

I'll leave it. It's alright. It's quite a menacing chat-up. I like that you held your nose when you did that. Did you like that? Hello, Mr Radio. You know she's got that little bit of guttering on the bottom of her nose? I don't know if she's had that put on especially. It looks like she could display

some very small magazines around the perimeter of her nose. Work wasn't so sophisticated in the 80s. I haven't noticed the 80s. I haven't noticed the gutter yet. Frank, so do you and the cockerel, what do you think, I mean, physically, as men, do you think she looks nice? Does she look attractive like that?

Well, I, you know, she's striking. What I don't like is there's little bits of vein and that come up out of nowhere, like little designs. Yes. And I'm not always happy with the raised vein. No, I'm not. You know how Madonna's gone? You'd be no good in the anatomy class. Madonna's gone very veiny.

I think I've said before, she looks like stripped cable. And that stuff that they put on the gravy thing I mean that's not spray tan that's beyond spray tan it's sort of a dark oil isn't it do you remember there used to be the Cadbury's family on the beginning of Coronation Street she looks like one of those

to be fair they didn't have the muscular definition. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had some texts in. Good. Well, we've had one in. This is from Kermit in Yorkshire. From Kermit? He's living in Yorkshire now, is he?

Kermit's in Yorkshire. I imagine him sort of covered in warts. He doesn't need to be as close to the Jim Henson studios anymore. Well, that's right. Things have dried up somewhat. Kermit says, is this classic rock or Radio 4? Play some

rock, preferably Caroline by Quo. So it's a complaint you've read out to me. Sorry, Frank. And it's all in capital so kermit is shouting which he never used to do he used to have better manners in his head he used to he could get a bit on the introductory bit to introduce our guest star that's what i'm here to do he should work on absolute classic rock this guy. To introduce our one and only Mr Ted Nugent. I think I know blokes like Kermit in Yorkshire.

Don't be anti-Kermit. He's allowed his tags. And Caroline is a great track. I bet he got his nickname because, like, at school he had newts. And they went, oh, rather than calling you the newt guy, we'll call you Kermit the frog. It was one sidestep, you know. It's one of those.

I think he wore a strange pointed ruff around his neck, which is why he got the nickname Kermit. This is the worst case possible. OK, well, I think he could only raise his arms with assistance from heavy-duty wire. OK, have we nailed on it? His name's Kermit. Do you think no-one's ever mentioned that to him before?

And ironically, we've had a text from 878 saying hi. Not Miss Biggie. Hi, Frank. It'd be great if the mop turns out we've got loads of mop. I bet we have got loads of mop. Hi, Frank, Emily and Cockerel. We are listening in our

reptile shop in Oxford. Brackets, Evolution Reptiles. Close brackets. Celebrating a year in our shopile shop in Oxford, brackets, Evolution Reptiles, close brackets, celebrating a year in our shop. That's nice, isn't it? Evolution Reptiles. I love that. So there might be a chance by the time you get them home. And that's Pete, Ricky and Dave. It's like Sonny.

It's like get yourself a chameleon. You know Sonny, when you put it in your hair and then it would keep getting blonder. These are actually evolving, these. I like the sound of the three friends, Pete, Ricky and Dave running the reptile shop. It's like Rainbow or something. Don't mind a reptile shop. Yeah. Sometimes, I'm not saying this is true of Pete,

Mickey and... Mickey? Pete, Ricky and Dave. Oh, Ricky, sorry, not Mickey. I thought it might be Michael Gecko. No, I went in one once, not in, can I say not in... Oxford. Not in Oxford.

And they sort of had the creatures, if I may call them that, in drawers in, like, plastic, I don't mean Victorian bloomers, I mean in, like, little plastic, I didn't feel they had enough room. Oh, right. And it made me unhappy. Because although, you know, I take or leave reptiles, I don't like to see them treated badly. So I hope that these three

are... Give them a bit of, you know, elbow room. Many of them, I believe, have elbows. Anyway, that was Reptile Corner. Quite a few people letting us know what they're doing while listening to the show. Good, I'm loving this. It's giving me a picture of our listeners.

I've never really had this before. It's nice to know. Be able to fill in the gaps. You leave that Mrs C alone. I'll tell you what I do like. It was good morning listening to you on my way to Tai Chi. We had some going to karate and now we've got a more soft martial art. Yeah.

Nice. Well, is it soft? Yeah. Well, I don't know. I see it as it's it's so profoundly inwardly spiritual in many way it's more it's a bigger and tougher thing than punching people in the face yeah that's what i'm saying cock wrong with you your karate bias they were they were a good band maybe the karate bias yeah i'd probably be in a band called Karate Bias.

Me too. Yeah, I went to a Tai Chi, one Tai Chi workshop I went to once. And it's all right. It's just all right. I'll tell you what I like about it. I like it when you walk through the park in the morning and there are Chinese men and stuff just doing it on their own. That takes incredible courage, I think, to do that.

Yeah. It has made everything very still and calm. It's gone calm in here since we've mentioned Tai Chi. But Kermit's absolutely furious. Shut up and play some Quo. All this calmness. Yeah. We don't want calmness.

We want pictures of matchstick men. Absolute Radio with Frank Schumer. Frank, we've had lots of texts in. Oh, it's been a great day. I feel that we're making contact. We've had, morning Frank, I'm roof lots of texts in. Oh, it's been a great day. I feel that we're making contact. We've had,

Morning, Frank, I'm roofing in Ship Lake. Is that one of the rock violets? That's Kelvin, who describes himself as also a monkey. Oh, I wish we had brought up the... I didn't bring up the monkey thing somewhere. No, it was Charles Darwin. If you're roofing, that'd be handy. Charles Darwin didn't just bring it up,

he went on about it. You'd say, sure up about the monkey thing. I bet he works at Evolution Reptiles. Well, Evolution Reptiles have texted in... Or have they bolt? They've texted in a picture saying, our snakes aren't in drawers, Ricky and Dave are. Our lawyers will be in touch, that's nice.

Oh, they do. That's good. They've sent pictures of snakes. Yeah, they're not litigious. Not like Wogan. I don't know where Wogan keeps his anaconda. Oh, Frank! What?

You see? Honestly, it's all gone so wrong. Frank, we've had another text in picking up dog do's from the garden whilst listening to Frank and Mate that seems strangely apt and actually Simon in Amptill

who was walking his dog Simon Amptill, he used to do Bosco well now apparently he's walking his dog near Bedford still listening, still walking the dog that was ages ago, wasn't it? And he's put dog eating cow poo. Yuck.

Hmm, there's a sort of animal poo thing running through this. I've always thought this was the perfect accompaniment to animal excrement adventures. What about the people helping out at Equine Market Watch? I can't see them. They're picking up horse poo as well. What's going on? Pete and Bromyard. Is this the biggest section of our Venn diagram of listeners?

It's people somewhere viscerally involved with excrement. Oh, no. I was hoping people would say, you know, I'm doing open heart surgery. Yeah. Actually, they probably have to switch it off in the open heart surgery. Yeah, there might be a rule. There might be a rule. Yeah. I understand they're, they probably have to switch it off in the open-heart surgery. Yeah, there might be a rule. There might be a rule. Yeah.

I understand they're quite strict during open-heart surgery. In case we play Staying Alive or something. Yeah, exactly. I prefer to call them petty. Yeah. They are. They are. They're pernickety.

It's political correctness gone bad, isn't it? I mean, do you have to wear the mask every time? Why can't you play Caroline by Quo? Why can't you have a smiling face on the big smiley mouth on the mask? Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We've had Sally Goulden. I like her full name. Quite retro on our show.

Yeah. She says, just off to the Swan Sanctuary to amputate a broken wing. Is that close enough to open a heart surgery? Well, it's pretty close, I must say. I hope she's some sort of official person and not just a local do-gooder. I went past last night and thought, there's something wrong with that wing. I'll go back and get my Stanley knife. Yeah, but I'd be quite frightened to amputate a swan's wing

No, they're not very chilled out, are they? They're aggressive What do they do with the broken wings? I don't know Take these broken wings and learn to fly again If they're going to throw it away I'd be happy for it to put it in a jiffy and send it into the show

Send it to, what's the pet shop called? Be careful what you wish for. I think I could use it at home for Dustin. Yeah. Be smashing in a pillow. You know Dustin, my male lover. Oh, he loves the feather thrashing. Frank, we've had another text in from Graham in Maidstone.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. What do you think about text speak in normal conversation? Oh, I like normal conversation. Was watching 8 Out Of 10 Cats last night. 8 Out Of 10 Cats, OK. And one of the guests uttered soz in the middle of an answer. I almost turned the programme off. I have to say, and I don't think that is text speak.

It might be used as text speak, but I used to say soz when I was at school. I agree. I don't think soz is text speak. Soz about that? Although, I mean, I have turned several panel games off in my life, but that's not why. Soz about that? Yeah, soz, I think, is fine. Soz, yeah.

That's a coincidence, because I met Elton John's old English teacher. Did you? This week. And he was telling me when they did vocabulary that sorry was the word that Elton had the biggest problem with. Whereas Rodney Corbett loved saying it. Yeah. But Elton found it far and away the hardest.

Yeah. Of all the... Weird. And we've also got Ellie who says listening to you while waxing down my surfboard wasn't the girl who was going to fix the swan's wing called Ellie no that was Sally Goulden

oh I'm thinking of Ellie Goulding I don't want her going out there waiting for a wave before she can get to the poor injured swan she's waxing her surfboard I thought it was a bit chilly for that kind of thing. You'd think, but I think this is the... Is it about the warmest time of year for the sea?

Is it? Doesn't it get warmer as... It's a bit late to start a full-scale texting. It would be very interesting to know that. I'm not a fan of the sea, I wouldn't know. Oh. It's one of my worst things. Yeah, I hate the sea.

It's very overrated. No, I like looking at it, but I don't like being underneath it. It's got a lot of market share for something that's not that popular, hasn't it? Yeah, it's doing all right, the sea. People are drawn to it, like you're a son to a conker, if I may say that. It sounds creepy now, but I suppose you meant it that way. I tell you, speaking of unexpected moisture, what about that Nancy Deloglio thing on...

Oh, sabotage. ...on Strictly Come Dancing? She went to put on a lovely dress. Well, you say lovely. Well, I thought it was quite nice, lime green, but a chiffon, my favourites. Oh, pistachios. Dustin likes it, doesn't he?

And, yeah, oh, God, yeah. And it was quite nice lime green, bit of chiffon, my favourites. Oh, pistachios. Dustin likes it, doesn't he? And, yeah, oh, God, yeah. And it was soaking wet. Apparently. Sabotage. Yeah, I mean, I don't know about you, but if I was the policeman investigating that, my first call would be David Walliams. You know, they're not that far from the Thames at the BBC, and he's probably going past, and he's seen a bit,

the light catch a bit of lime green chiffon, and he couldn't resist. Yeah, he loves to dress you up, doesn't he? Yeah. I'm told he travels almost exclusively by sewer now. Now he's got a taste for it. No, it's... Well, that was a mysterious... I don't think... I saw her dance. It was rubbish. Is this when she dropped the feather boa on the floor and was just sort of drifting about?

She had an incident with a pistachio feather boa. Who hasn't? But not on national telly. Yeah, Anton smiles through everything, Frank. No, he's amazing. But the thing is, the advantage is he's extremely porous. So he's got skin like chamois leather. He would have taken most of it in on himself.

I like the fact that she said Edwina Curry is not glamorous enough. Yeah. They're having a feud. She's obsessed with glamour, that woman. I think it was when Sven went to Leicester City, that might have been a turning point in their relationship. She's obsessed with glamour. He pushed her too far.

What's weird is how many series of Strictly Come Dancing there's been that haven't had a sabotage story. You think, if ever there was a sabotage story waiting to happen, this is it, innit? I think you could have ended that sentence with, how weird, how many series of Strictly Come Dancing there's been. Anyway, we can't sit here talking all day, us monkeys. Anyway, we can't sit here talking all day, us monkeys.

And not the weekend podcast will be available this week. That's completely different stuff, what we do, the three of us. And that's available from Wednesday morning. It's been lovely talking to you this morning. Now get out.