The Frank Skinner Show - Outdoor Piano

Episode Date: April 25, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank has had problems with home-schooling and watched One World Together. Also, Alun has been looking into indoor swimming and the team discuss the latest dog grooming hack that’s gone viral.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now we're not live, so don't text the show. Just don't. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram and email us via the Absolute Radio website. So we're contactable, but there us via the Absolute Radio website. So we're contactable, but there may be some delay in our response. Let's put it that way.

Welcome. Hello, guys. Morning. Sal, wait here. Sanctuary. Sanctuary. Sanctuary. Sorry, that was Charles Lawton from the Antibac of Notre Notre Dame who shouted sanctuary. And that's how I feel now because I am. It's lovely to be here, guys, in a grown up world. I've been homeschooling all this week. Oh, man.

How's it going? Oh, badly. Me and Buzz have had times when we've just been screaming at each other. This is me and my seven-year-old. Sorry to laugh. I mean, honestly, screaming. He wrote a prayer. He had to write a prayer to Catholic school.

He had to write a prayer called the Rainbow Prayer. And obviously the idea, it was about the NHS and frontline workers, you know, and all that stuff. And I read it. It's a beautiful thing. But the main body of it is asking God to help us to get through the homeschooling. It gets billing above the coronavirus, which was a bit um a bit hard to take um it's oh it's it the other day i did i've been hearing myself say things when i've thought oh come on frank you're better than that because he said uh louise never louise never raises her voice she never shouts at us in class i said well

let's try asking louise to do a stand-up comedy tour at short notice and see what her stress levels are like on that one. And I thought, why are you saying that to a seven-year-old child? Also, it's unlikely that she would agree to that, I think. No, but, you know, if she had to, as I have to do this, no one asked me. I've just ended up... You know, I left the teaching profession some years ago i i completely sympathize because i imagine you know it must be quite hard going

suddenly having to turn teacher especially to family members exactly however so can i just give a brief little insight you know that thing say, never ever teach your partner to drive. And that is, it's because if teaching is a sort, there's a gap caused by sort of strangerdom, which is part suspicion and fear, but it manifests itself as respect. And with a close family unit, you don't get respect, obviously. So if you get angry, it just pours out. And's the problem sorry emily this is all true however i would just remind you that you do have form for um i think andrew lloyd weber and various others of offering notes helpful notes sometimes yes um and it

doesn't always go that well does it look I'm not saying I'm good at it. That's the point. I've just been, they've just said to me, right, you're teaching now, by the way. You've got like a week to think about it and then we'll be sending stuff and you'll be the captain of the ship. Oh man, it's, I've got to tell you.

And then we got, you know, I'm not complaining that people are much worse off than me. But then got, you know, I'm not complaining. There's people much worse off than me. But then when, you know, everything is done on, sitting in my linen basket, trying to do tech things. Like we've just had our sound check for this show. And then like Emily's voice suddenly went weird. And I thought, I'm going to start doing that thing that DJs used to do when they had phone-ins.

They'd start going, have you got your radio on? Have you still got your radio on? I was going to start doing that. I'm on the edge. That's where I am. Right on the edge. Anyway, how are you guys handling it? Well, if I may say so, one of the mistakes that you're making is attempting to teach them.

It really takes a lot of the pressure off if you just don't try. Well, I know. I noticed that with a lot of the teachers at my school. Yes. Took that off. There are people. But, you know, people who homeschool by choice. And there may be people listening, and God bless you.

But I've always thought they were troubled souls. Yeah. Who actually chose to homeschool their children. Like, you know, we stay here, we stay here, we don't want the outside world coming in, lad. You gather round me. And now I'm that bloke. I've become that bloke against my will.

Homeschoolers and doomsday preppers are the people really laughing at the rest of us right now. Yeah. But I've learnt that they don't have much else to laugh about in their terrible life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you guys watch One World Together at Home last weekend?

Well, I did catch a few moments. Oh, it was... Obviously, it was for a good cause, etc. But... What cause was it? You know, the front line. The front line. But it was a lot of singers.

It was a communal sing-along, wasn't it? It was mainly singers from their own homes. So you got a chance. It was a bit judges' houses. Yes. Except it really was their houses, I think. I mean, J-Lo seemed to be... You know when you go...

Have you ever been to one of those sort of winter wonderland places? Yes. He seems to live in one. It was all like... Does she? It was a big piece of sort of countryside with fairy lights in the trees and stuff. Yeah, I'm not as big a fan of fairy light as most of the modern world, I don't think.

Kat's a big fan of the fairy light. I like them at Christmas. You know, I don't have turkeys in April. And I don't have fairy lights. But she did her song she did, I think she did did she do people meeting people? I'll tell you what she did, she did people who need people

wearing Eliza Minnelli sweatshirt thereby reminding us of what it could have sounded like I thought it was Michael Jackson on the t-shirt don't wear the sweatshirt featuring the person who did the original. No, exactly.

Yeah. Exactly. I mean, would I wear a Dave Lee Travis sweatshirt doing this show? No. Well, it turns out I am. So what about that for a coincidence? I so wish you were. It just says the hairy cornflake

Yeah the hairy cornflake In glitter And then actually the back of his head He's actually turned away From the It's a weird It's a weird old Is he wearing the react to light

Rapid sunglasses I can only see the tip Of his stems so there's a bit of guesswork involved anyway the thing, the main thing for me, there were many things to discuss on One World Together, did you see

Sir Elton John I did not see that, I'm guessing he has a nice home well we don't know he was in his garden with a piano, which I assume was taken out there. He's got an outdoor piano. He's got an outdoor piano out in John.

But he sang, I thought, slightly inappropriately, I'm Still Standing. Right. And I thought, yeah, don't crow about it. Show off. Yeah. Also, while sitting. Didn't do it at Diana's funeral.

And then he did a, did you hear it? Because he's sort of going, it's a song I really like, mainly the gorilla version from Kiss. But he's sort of going, all that stuff that he does. And then he went, I'm too tanned in. He didn't say. I'm too tanned in.

And I thought, you're right. So my dad used to say this thing, if anyone's felt like saying, I've got a bit of a short tongue. And that's what I thought. And I thought, did I hear that right? And then when it came round again, I'm tilt-handing him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm tilt-handing. You're right, Elton. I'm absolutely fine, thank you very much. What was that about? You didn't used to sing it like that. It did get very sort of Vic Reeves pub singer. Did it? I think it was, yeah.

I mean, you know, respect to him. He's tilt-handing. But he's not talking. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were talking about One World Together at home. One of the highlights was John Legend and Sam Smith doing a duet. Oh, I saw that. And John Legend had got a tiny shelf behind him. It's just like a short shelf.

Looks like something he might have knocked up when he knew he was going to be performing and he had squeezed onto it every award he's ever got there was a really good cluster yeah i agree it looked like it had been put up for the occasion using a tube of no more nails he didn't even bother with hammering it in he just stuck it on and. And Sam Smith, Al, had his Oscar as well, I believe. Yeah, but that, I tell you what he did, it was sort of in a room. It was in a room at the back of him or something, wasn't it?

Oh, they, sorry. They had it at the room at the back of them. And so it was a bit more subtle. But, oh, legend. He was an absolute legend. Legend. He just got him. He might as well have got the old drumsticks and played them.

Which is what Charlie Watts basically did. He played flight cases, Charlie Watts. Yeah, he was playing the furniture, wasn't he? Like a toddler. Yeah. What I liked about... Rolling Stones drummer, obviously. The Stones' H houses, Frank.

That was my favourite. Because I like to think their interiors sort of summed them all up. Because Mick had the sort of country print curtains, a bit sort of literary, you know. It was a bit like an expensive therapist's house, I thought, Mick's. A couple of watercolours in the background, that kind of thing. And then Keith, obviously, it looked like sort of our Keith's house, I thought, mix. A couple of watercolours in the background. Yes. And then Keith, obviously, it looked like sort of our Keith's house, appropriately enough.

Like there'd be lighters in a bowl somewhere. It had that feel. Ronnie, bit arty. Did you see that thing on his... What's... Sorry, Frank. Did you see the thing on Keith's coffee table? No.

He had the biggest leather- collection of sherlock holmes by conan doyle you've ever seen oh that is funny and it was such a big ornate volume i thought that is definitely hollow with drugs in it that that just is that is not a book. If you open that, it would be like, you know, when people sell ice cream at the theatre in those trays with like an array of different products, it would be every drug you'd heard of and several that you hadn't. Do you think that book is his equivalent of those, sometimes in novelty shops you can get bean cans

that are actually for cash that you you can open it up and just stuff it with money have you seen those yeah well i've got i've got the english french dictionary which opens up and is a thing that you can keep stuff in you should definitely tell people that on the radio well i'm only telling them that because the stuff in it is stuff like scribbled old bits of stand-up that never worked and stuff. Did you notice as well that when J-Lo introduced herself, she said global citizens, which was... Yeah. It was very the aliens have landed.

What was the first word she said? She said global citizens. Oh, I thought she said ro She said global citizens. Oh, I thought she said robo-citizens. As if she was delivering it to some droid audience that they brought in to make her feel like it was a real

set-up. And at the end she said, I miss you. I miss you. Who? Who do you miss? Perhaps she was talking to the very top end of celebrity. We all miss it, darling, but we don't wash our dirty linen in public. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Talking about one world, Frank, there was another thing one will together at home yes okay respect uh what i really i suppose the feeling i felt was relief for tom jones who did a lovely performance and i was just relieved that you see he's ahead of the curve he's gone gray already so otherwise it would have been an issue he would have been over the sink with the marigolds but i he was my favorite performance but i did think did you see lang lang as well can i just say what would have been my favorite performance is if tom jones had continued to dye his hair right up until lockdown and then suddenly have appeared on Sunday night looking like an old sofa.

I mean, that would have been such a talking point. Yes, I did. Lang Lang was part of a super group, wasn't he? It was Lady Gaga, it was Celine Dion and someone else and I can't remember who the other person was I think, what didn't, did Legend come back for that? Legend!

I've got an idea, Legend returned for that Yes Lang Lang he's got some a bit of gel and he looks a bit groovier than he used to. Well, that's what I thought. He'd really made an effort to go with the sort of rock thing,

the pop music thing, because he put his special, you know, when you have that velvet, the blazer that you have for best, he put that on, he put his special velvet blazer on. Yeah, it was Andrea Bocelli, the other guy in the super group, wasn't he? Oh, yes, yes. Him. You know him. But what obsessed me about Lang Lang is he had a really horrible, I mean, horrible doesn't even cover it, yellow chair.

Did you see it? I couldn't take my eyes off it no i never noticed that oh it was i don't know who lang lang is but now i'm going to google it is he's one of the world's leading classic pianists oh i did the one show with him once he is a very nice fellow he um he does a online learn a chinese word every day sort of thing on YouTube. I don't know if he still does that, but that's what he used to do. Mandarin or Cantonese? He's a gifted chap. Yeah, that's a good question, that Mandarin or Cantonese.

I mean, there's no such language as Chinese. I did that bad thing that us Westerners do. I'll be talking about learning Indian in a minute. I don't know which one it was. Oh, Eddie Vedder. Dracula's

butler. Sorry, that was the weather forecast. From Elton John. Very Eddie Vedder. Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. He did.

I think this is a show I'm going to watch three or four times because, you know, we were talking about the photos that we put out of us at home. People went looking in the background for stuff. On Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, on his mantelpiece was the biggest harmonica I've ever... I mean, it was like four feet across. That's not a euphemism.

Yeah. No. It was like, you know when you see programs like... Yeah, well, you know when you see Land of the Giants or The Borrowers or something like that and they have those enormous props to put them, it's like that. It's like Eddie Vedder's broke into the giant Larry Adler's treehouse and he's performing from there.

Or perhaps he's just tiny. We didn't realise. Oh. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking about One World Together at Home. I was also watching. I've been watching a lot of music

because I work for Absolute Radio, where real music matters. And I was watching the popular crooner George Ezra live in concert. Oh, yes. From an indoor festival in Switzerland that I'd never heard of. And George Ezra chats quite a bit in between songs. He's one of these blokes that does a proper intro to the song. Oh, nice. And I like Bob Dylan and The Fall. I'm not used to people talking to the song oh no you know and i i like bob dylan and the fall i'm not used to people

talking to the audience well abusing the audience is what you're used to maybe marky smith of the fall did once uh begin a gig by saying welcome to my vendetta so i start relationships well Well, it was. Every fall gig I saw was fuelled by his almost completely unharnessed rage. I mean, he just brailed around the stage breaking stuff, turning the people's amplifiers down, glaring. Oh, wow. It's absolutely brilliant. George Ezra's not like that.

No. glaring oh wow it's absolutely brilliant george ezra's not like that no and george ezra started talking about um how he'd done this tour and you know it had been great because the album had done much better than he thought and all that and he seems a very very nice chap and he said uh yeah um so i really enjoyed the tour he said one of the, we went to a place called South Africa. And I thought, what? And even boss, my seven-year-old who was with me, looked at me and looked back at George Etter and said, oh, tell me more. And then he started riffing.

It's the first time i think i was witness to my son's first comedy riffing experience which is something that's got me through all the lowest times in my life and indeed the high ones he started saying like uh a place called south africa ever heard of it anyone and stuff like that like running with the theme. But, oh, man, it really... He'll turn to me now and say, I might go to a place called South Africa. And we both just laugh. Oh, George, you big silly sausage.

I mean, I'm surprised he didn't have some aid pointing out to him. Well, I think he was... Perhaps people were familiar with the concept of south africa no explanations needed oh speaking of george's as well um emily um i don't i'm not telling you this emily i'm telling the okay the readers global citizens if you remember last week yeah the robo citizens i was last week i was um i was talking about i'd watched the freddie mercury tribute concert and been utterly blown away by george michael a man who to be honest i didn't have a high regard for as a performer and i watched him do Somebody to Love and it completely blew my mind. And I told Emily, who it turned out was a devotee of this particular performance.

And then this week she sent me the rehearsal for Freddie Mercury. And, you know, in rehearsal when people, someone was telling me that they were in Le Mis and Le Miserable and that they were in rehearsal. And the top person in the rehearsal was giving stuff like, You can hear the people sing to high note, telling a song of angry high note. And just saying high note instead of singing them to save their voice but George Michael even

in the rehearsal was absolutely mind blowing. It was incredible I like David Bowie and Seal at the end, did you see that Frank? Yeah, I like Seal pretending that standing next to David Bowie wasn't one of the most

exciting things that had ever happened. That reminds me, I need to send you guys that YouTube clip of Donald Trump saying China for four and a half minutes. Good reminder, thanks. By the way, Absolute Radio do not think people should inject disinfectant into themselves, just in case the mention of Donald Trump suggests that we endorse that. We don't. I'm sorry, Mr. Sheen.

I know it's been good for you, but not for the rest of us. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're live. No, we're not live. We're not live.

I had one job. I got it wrong. We're not live. So we're not. We're really not live. So do not text the show. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram

and email us via the Absolute Radio website. And it's very important that you that we keep hearing from you because, you know, there's a lot of people missing a lot of people. And I'm missing the regular input into the show from our fabulous readers. I must say that to me is the life's blood of the whole enterprise. I don't mean that in Star Trek. As J-Lo said, Frank, on One World Together, I miss you. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly, I miss you. Well, we've been getting, I mean, they're fabulous, our readers. They've been sending us all sorts of updates. We've had a lot of people, Frank, getting in touch about your poetry podcast, which was released last week. A lot of people, Frank, getting in touch about your poetry podcast, which was released last week. A lot of praise.

I'm just saying. I know we can't read it out. I know. I'm glad to hear about it, believe me. A lot of praise. I just think it's distasteful to read it out, but I'm really glad to receive it. I honestly thought that this was one project I would do, which would, I didn't, I don't know, I just thought it would, no one would ever know it had happened. That's what I thought about it.

Well, au contraire, because I'd like to say I downloaded it and I didn't like it. I loved it. Oh, excellent. Do you like cricket? That was a scary moment for us all then I went for the Simon Cowell misdirection Just give me a chance to pick up all my equipment

The laptop and everything I have to say It was so brilliant It was so fascinating and involving And it was from the heart I got the poems up on the screen. I went through them line by line as you analyse them. I was blown away.

I was absolutely blown away. Well, can I point out, I am by no means a sort of critic, academic. Basically, I'm a poetry fanboy. I'm a fanboy. Trust me, you are a critic. Yeah, but I mean of poetry. But I was filled with enormous respect and love for you because I thought it was so brilliant.

Oh, well, thank you so much for that. In fact, I loved it so much, Al, that I actually have got a little homemade jingle I'd like to try out playing to you. I'm going to play it on my phone. So have a listen and let's see if this works. OK, silence, please. You're the poetry man.

You make things all right. There you go. You're the poetry man. You make things all right. Oh, is that an actual song or. You make things all right. Oh. Oh. Is that an actual song or is that you? It is.

No, that's not me. Oh, I don't know that song. Who's sang that? It's by Phoebe Snow. And I just thought that was perfect. It is. I love it. I love it.

I don't know if it's true, man, and you make things all right. Yeah, I don't know if it'll replace the loneliest man in the world. Jenny Holder said, Frank, I didn't know that what I needed during lockdown was a poetry podcast from Frank Skinner, but it turns out I definitely did. So there you go. Oh, wow.

I haven't heard it yet, Frank, but I definitely will because one of my favourite things is your Ian McMillan impression, so I'm assuming that that's going to get an airing. Ian McMillan. I know it doesn't, but maybe it should. It'd be worth doing one of his poems.

I mean, if this isn't a launch vehicle for your Ian McMillan impression, I don't know what is. You're absolutely right. I mean, you know, you don't get many people doing impressions of poets. It's not a big market.

But, you know, yes, it's great. I love it. Thank you for being so kind. And you'll just be happy to know that I'm tilt-handing. I'm tilt-handing. No, that's great, though. And I loved doing it, etc. Yeah, what else is outside worthy?

I don't know what you guys have been doing with your lives. What's happening in the basement, Al? Well, I'll come to my life in a minute, but just a minute ago you sounded slightly bashful that you weren't a poet or a poetry expert and yet you were hosting this podcast. But I will say this, sometimes experts don't seem to know what they're talking about.

I watched a documentary the other day about art. Michael Gove. And an expert was talking he was this guy was talking about a particular artwork i've forgotten who the artist was but he said this painting changed the world and he was talking about how small it was and he pointed at it and he said and it's no bigger than say two packets of cornflakes and i thought well that's not really a comparison that anybody else uses.

Why can't you do it in, like, A4 or A3? What about if it's one of those ones you get in hotels and variety packs? Yeah. I want to know who did the painting now. Probably some artist called Leonardo da Vinci. Oh, yeah, exactly. It was somebody big, but i've forgotten who now

so i've watched a few documentaries recently um that's how i am with poetry i would say as far as poetry is concerned i am the sister wendy beckett of the quarantine Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about George Michael earlier and his incredible version of Somebody to Love. And in the rehearsal, as Millie said, David Bowie and Seal are standing at the back. Smoking? Yeah, smoking. I mean, a bit naughty.

And, you know, such rebels they were. And when David Bowie applauds George Michael, do you feel that that is completely heartfelt or is that just inter-performer politeness? Oh. I found it heartfelt, but then you see I love both of them in a sort of it's possible to love poetry and football way that I know you'll approve of, Frank.

Yeah. But I do find find I felt what it was a bit like when the school sort of cool kids saw the nerd do something cool once and thought okay respect yeah I tell you what I I wasn't even a nerd in my book but to some he was you know not cool I find it I don't know if you find this al but in the comedy world i find you know when they talk about things like i know there's a podcast called this but i mean the general term the comedian's comedian the comedian who other comedians like to watch yeah i find that then they're they're always good they're never great those comics

because yeah comics don't want to see anyone who's really knockout brilliant, I think. They want to see someone who's really good. I think comedians like acts that are the definition of hit and miss. They're a hit with comedians and a miss with the general public. Also, hit and miss in that they've got the hope in their hearts that they might go badly that night that they're watching them i think the club might have sorry frank well i just i remember i went and saw um the first time i saw david bowie live was on the serious moonlight tour and he did um

young americans and he did that and there's one damn song that can make me. And I thought, oh, here we go. Here we go. And he went, break down and cry. And I thought, no, I'm not having that. What can I find? And a lot of, you hear singers, on that very same Freddie Mercury tribute, Elton John does Bohemian Rhapsody. And he does a few, I'm going down, I'm not going up.

I always imagine like a lift, a bloke with a lift going up in a lift. The doors open, there's a lift attendant says to Elton John, going up, sir? No, no, I'm going down. Well, Frank, I believe as the George Michael, as the curator of that concert appearance, I know so much about it. I believe George Michael described that falsetto note that he hits when he sings Somebody Too, which I'm not going to even attempt. He described it as the bravest note he ever hit.

Wow. There you go. Yeah. There's a moment on the end of Running Scared by Roy Orbiston. When he goes in the rehearsal, he went into falsetto and the producer said, you don't need to do this in falsetto. Roy, just go for the note.

And he went for it. And it's like a moment where you can hear the angels singing in heaven. It's so spectacular. The one damn song that could make me break down and cry. Rob, get off. Get off.

I'd waited all night for that moment. I wish the whole audience had gone, ah. I'd ask our readers, if anyone has been to see a singer live and was waiting for a big note that they were robbed of, let us know about that experience. You get comics thinking, you know what, I'm not doing the punchline. I'll do a sort of a slight, I'll end on a minor chord.

Not acceptable. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Unacceptable. Al, what are you doing with your lockdown life? Well, it's mixed. I'm not going to lie. There's good and bad moments within it. There's good and bad in everyone. Yes, indeed.

I'll tell you what I have been surprised by, though, with what I've been missing, because you'd think that what you'd miss would be the stuff that you do all the time. And I thought, oh, I haven't had to wear that for ages to grapple with my pals. And I genuinely missed it. But what's more surprising? Could you use a mannequin or something of that nature? Not really, no. It's not the same.

There's people trying to leg lock chairs and stuff like that. It doesn't work. I think that's a bit undignified. We had a dog that used to do that. You're absolutely right. Yeah, it's ridiculous. But I have been surprised. I hardly ever go swimming.

But since this lockdown, I've caught myself about 10 times thinking, oh, it's a real shame we can't go swimming during the lockdown. And for some reason, I really fancy going swimming, but it's a real shame we can't go swimming during the lockdown. And for some reason, I really fancy going swimming, but it's not allowed. And even then, the last time I tried to go swimming, I didn't get in the pool because it was closed and we ended up talking about that on the show. Oh, yeah, that was the incident.

Corpse or pooh. Yeah. I've caught myself watching sharon davis the swimmer who was oh here we go she was in the papers this week doing pretend swimming in her kitchen amazing amazing uh back muscles she must have yeah because and also she had the she had the hat and the goggles and the swimming costume on. And she was in the kitchen on the worktop and people

were very impressed at her. I don't think my family would be that impressed if I did it. I think it would probably lead to the kitchen getting a deep clean rather than me getting any... I think you're trying to justify the fact to um mrs cockerel that you were caught watching videos of shannon davis in a swimming costume i'm sorry

fair play to i interviewed david coultard once and he told me that as a young boy he used to lie on the kitchen table with his head off the edge and hold his head completely still in order to strengthen his neck muscles. Oh, that's clever. Because Formula One drivers need really strong neck muscles. Oh, is that right? They drive like, you know, you see dogs with their heads out the window and their tongues out.

They tend to drive like that, apparently. I've never noticed it, but they love that. Yeah, my cousin, who became a professional rugby player, told me that when Maradona was a child, he slept with a football in the bed next to him. Very cute, isn't he? And he became quite a notable footballer I don't know

if you've heard I don't know George Ezra knows all about that we'll have to ask him Diego Maradona his name was Cathy McGowan

who presented Ready Steady Go I think she sleeps with a ball next to her she's married to Markleball I'm sorry

it wasn't worth going there also I'm not it wasn't worth going there also I'm not totally sure it's true anyway it's true it's true anyway it's I like the idea

of being able to I thought of Sharon Davis in case you can't picture it it's only like from the sort of thighs that were supported and the rest of it was just sticking straight out from the work surface unsupported like she got the strongest lumbar muscles you've ever seen like you could you could use her as an extra uh flap on a table yes if you had a lot of analysis of the sh Davis clip from you two, just saying. Well, no, but you know what? Although she's obviously, you know, a very whatever,

but it was really quite impressive. I thought she must be 60. Must be 60. Got her back like an iron book. I think she's 57, 58, something like that, yeah. Well, you know, that's 60. And also much less chance of getting a Veruca. Well, yeah.

But she could get an ant bite if she was doing it on my kitchen work surface, but that's another story. Frank, would you like to hear from the outside world? Our readers have been getting in touch. Well, you haven't been out there for a while, so I would quite like to know what's occurring.

Well, we've had a review. That's what Sharon Davis looked like. She looked like a medieval gargoyle thrusting out the side of a cathedral. Anyway, carry on. I'm sure she'll be delighted with that review. He's very good on similes in the poetry podcast. We've had Jonathan B has got in touch, Johnny B.

Frank's hair is getting too long and needs a cut by someone in his household. I would recommend a buzz cut. Do you see what i've bought some clippers and they don't i've they've been on charge all night and i just tried them in anticipation what i want is one of those sort of you know when you see like mad max and they've got long hair and completely shaved um back and sides on the thing yes That's what I thought. I'll go for that in lockdown where no one's really seen me. But the damn clippers don't seem to have charged. And I can't think of another way of getting it that short.

Or more. Any offers. Singe it, maybe? Singe? No, I don't want to Norman Singe. Singe and Steve. But I am. I'm tempted to do something ludicrous with my hair because, you know, I don't need it Norman St. John. St. John Steevers. But I'm tempted to do something ludicrous with my hair

because I don't need it to be sensible. Yeah, why not? There's never been a lower cost time to have wacky hair, has there, if you think about it? Exactly. I might go for the old, the costed look that Billie Eilish favours. David Blondell has also been in touch, David Blundell whichever you prefer hi Frank Alan and Divine Miss M in this lockdown life we're all in a lot closer proximity to our possessions

is there anything you've looked at recently and thought why the hell did I buy that yeah the hair clippers that I bought two days yes yeah i'll tell you what you see i thought this frank about mugs oh yeah i've got too many ones i must say but i don't know if i've ever bought one well i counted the other day and i realized i mean i sort of um i live hand solo as you know and i have 26 mugs and i suddenly thought that's two last suppers i could have with those months yeah that's a lot could you do you think if you um if you had one would you drink out of a dirty mug for two weeks if you had to that would mean requests in my time with mugs, you could go a whole year

if you could drink for a fortnight out of a dirty mug and never have to wash a mug. And then you could wash them all at New Year. Yeah. Think about it. Something to do. It's a time for... That's one resolution out of the way.

I'm going to wash them mugs. You know, them mugs are mine. I'm going to watch them mogs. You know, them mogs are mine. I'm going to give them a rinse. Yeah, I've got lots of... There's lots of mistakes I've made with buying things. You know, musical instruments you're going to learn and things like that. I think lockdown is really making people realise how many books they've bought and not started, don't you think?

Yes. There's a lot of books in the background. Yeah, I don't think it's absolutely essential to read books that you buy. No, I agree. I get tremendous pleasure from buying books and reading books, but I don't think they're sort of mutually... I think I can just take the pleasure of buying one and just have that. So, yeah, I'm okay with that.

No, you don't want to pressure yourself into actually reading them. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What else has come in from our readers? Well, we've had an email lying dormant for a little while about... Francis Dormant?

Yes, we had a handshaking conversation, I think quite early in this downtime, re-Saturday's programme, I think Shaking hands came about in the days when people carried swords it was to show non-aggression i.e. it was your sword hand that you used and that's from Philip Traynor Billinghurst oh I see

so the theory is what about Shakin' Stevens when did he come about he'll have to change his name now too many difficult associations. I was watching a sort of a swashbuckling epic that included a sword fight. That sounds like it.

I know it was, actually. Actually, come to think of it, it was John Pertwee fighting the Master. Of course it was. And I always thought, I have never seen a sword fight on television or in a film which doesn't sort of wear its choreography on its sleeve yes you know you can really feel the choreography it's so carefully rehearsed I have never seen a sword fight in a film that looks like I imagine a real sword fight.

It looks organic. It's like watching ballet. Yes. And I always feel when I watch any sort of sword fight, I'm afraid, and this might be largely due to growing up with actors, but I just immediately imagine them in sort of re-bought trainers in some rada hall doing their fencing and i find it a bit depressing so i can't really watch sword fights for that reason i'm afraid do you know what this has just reminded me frank

i'd completely forgotten but i think about texting you almost every evening at the moment because my daughter has become obsessed with watching the television series Merlin. Oh, wow. It's on iPlayer and we're watching a Merlin episode almost every night. How brilliant. Yeah, well, you're the only person that I know that I could text that would think that was brilliant.

I read the other day that Matt Smith was up up for the part of uh of merlin really yeah that would have been confusing when if that comes up on the figures the old sort of demographics for their viewers yes we seem to have a child and then we have a man in his 60s i'm wondering what products they would that was it that was it with merlin, something for everybody. Yes. As King Arthur often, I think he said in the eulogy at Merlin's funeral. Now I think Merlin, did Merlin outlive Arthur or vice

versa? I know they're both fictional, but you know what I mean. Don't spoil the end for me. Sorry, are you reading Thomas Mallory's Mort Darter? Oh, lockdown, it's really opening up a few Are you reading Thomas Mallory's Mort Data? Oh, lockdown. It's really opening up a few doors we thought would stay shut.

What do you think, DLT? Well, I absolutely... I can't remember who he talked. But, you know, hairy cornflake, et cetera. I went to a live performance by DLT once, and he asked for volunteers, and me and two mates got on stage and he said, I'll choose. And made us all get off again. And that, and that I think is

proof that my curses eventually work. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show today because we are not live, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram

and email us, of course, via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, I'd like to give you both some updates on a slight issue I'm having, which is Raymond's grooming in lockdown is becoming problematic. I mean, you're both... Raymond is Emily's dog, by the way, if you're a new reader. Yeah. Not Massey. I don't live with him.

And I mean, you're both familiar with my dog and it won't escape your notice that... I think it's fair to describe him as her suit. He's a dog with hair rather than fur. so yeah he's a hairy little munchkin isn't he that's never occurred to me that distinction between hair and fur how long does fur have to be before it becomes hair eight twelve i know you can't don't text we live. And also a very insensitive question to be asking a lady at this point in the game. I would say fur grows two to three inches maximum probably. Hair, there's no stopping it.

There's no stopping it. We'll just keep on growing. And I believe love grows where my rosemary goes. Nobody knows like me. That's good. You should be ringing up your rosemary with Kath listening. If there's any herbologists

listening. Could you just take the scissors to him? Is that acceptable? Yes. I mean, shih tzus have a double coat. Rather like they're wearing a sort of padded gilet underneath the coat. Do you see? That's clever, isn't it?

Like a jacket and an overcoat. Yes. But presumably if you let it get too long, then Raymond gets too hot. Is that the downside? Yes. And also it's just, I mean, he can barely walk with the weight on his shoulders. with the weight on his shoulders. Can I just say on the overcoat subject that I once got a letter

from the much-loved Irish comedian Jimmy Cricky, which was about something completely different, but it began, it's been very cold just lately, hasn't it? It's so cold, I opened my wardrobe the other day and my coat was wearing an overcoat. It's just a letter he sent me. Fantastic. He put a joke in it to open.

He did material in the beginning. And I don't think it's the only joke he's got, if I remember his promise. He's material on material. He's got all. There's more. There's more. Oh, very good.

So Raymond had a sort of Anna Wintour Bob prior to lockdown which I was thrilled with and a few weeks in I'd say it's morphed more it's kind of a bit more lead guitar in Motley Crew it's a bit all over the place it's crazy wild as I believe Daniel Amakachi once said so I tried to cut his hair with nail scissors, which I don't recommend. He was very calm and still throughout, but he's got a sort of Henry V Agincourt fringe now. It's not looking good.

And a moustache, a kind of silent movie villain moustache. But I've trimmed the skirting and the nether regions, and I've cleaned his act up a bit. But I got very inspired by this video i saw i think it was on tiktok originally did either of you see this it's a woman in california who's called lynn's shelton and she has come up with a strategy to distract her dog so that she can cut their claws i did see this did you see this else she wrapped cling film on her head and smeared peanut butter across her cling film coated head yeah it did make me think

how how you know i've been talking about how coronavirus has changed all our priorities how we're now in the sort of and not not now greta in that and i just thought i it doesn't seem so long ago that just the the peanut butter because of the great not allergy thing it was public enemy number one peanut butter it was like it was like napalm yeah and to sit now i was i was watching this woman and i thought oh my god what if the dog's got a and then I thought no calm down there's even a disclaimer about that there's even a disclaimer she says this is peanut butter that doesn't have whatever it is xylitol yeah but that's not I don't think that's the uh the thing I think xylitol is a artificial sweetener isn't it and I think that's poisonous potentially to dogs you know the room you know rumours about things that are bad for dogs,

like chocolate and stuff like that? I know. These rumours. You don't believe it. My dogs lived on. They lived on exclusively, my dogs. Oh, all right. How are they doing?

You know, they're all dead, obviously. How are they doing? A bit insensitive. I've got them somewhere in a trunk. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking just now about essentially how dogs ate anything in my day and they lived to tell the tale.

Yeah. And I know what you mean. I often think that. What is this? They lived to chase the tale. But I think what you mean. I often think that. What is this? A lifted chaster tail? But I think you're right. But I often think that. I think there never used to be this level of detail over the dog's diet.

And this is poisonous and that's poisonous. But I believe what it's to do with is it's to do with so many chemicals in food now and additives. So the chocolate your dog had was probably much purer. Do you see? What about us? Aren't we eating all that rubbish? That's the sad next step. Well, that's the problem. Is the dog like the canary that miners used to take down the main shaft?

Is he like Laika in space? Is the dog like the canary that miners used to take down the main shaft? Is he like Laika in space? Yeah, so our dogs, I like her everywhere. So the dogs, they're a warning to us. They are a warning. That we shouldn't be eating modern food at all. Essentially, yes. Can we for a second return to this woman that smeared the peanut

butter onto her head? I don't know if we've made it clear why she did that. She had cling film around her head and the idea was... Well, that's her excuse. She bursts. I look like a dork just now, but in a minute I'm going to

look like a genius. And then the dog runs over and licks the peanut butter off whilst she clips its nails. Did you hear the husband saying, what the hell are you doing? Well, the husband is part of my problem with this whole thing because I think if she lived alone and had a dog and she had done that, enough respect. I would say respect to Mundo.

I would even use the 100 emoji. But the fact that he's in the corner and he can't just hold the dog while she clips his nails makes it all seem horribly attention-seeking and unnecessary to me. Also, can I say something? Imagine if I tried that. Ray's very sort of vertically challenged so i would have to lie flat on the floor for that experimental work can you imagine if the postman

appeared and i have a door i have a glass panel in my door he would be able to see me lying on the floor with my forehead smeared in peanut butter with the dog licking me. I mean, it's not a good look. I would tell him that I was doing a little short film about the Crimean War and that we were going to put in the bandage with the small circle of blood afterwards and I've just put the peanut butter up to give him a target. That would be my, that's how I'd get round it. I have to say she looked great. She looked great, even with the King film around her head

and with peanut butter on it. I think that was one of the purposes of the video, wasn't it? Yeah. I'm still really pleased. She had a sort of tank girl feel to her. I'm very pleased with your Crimean War reference, which isn't something I say every day. It's such an intimate situation.

Because you're absolutely right. I associate very much the head bandage with that particular war for some reason. Yes, for example. Yes, of course. Let's say a Crimean War veteran had a pet bat

and he was trying to cut its nails. He would just let it suck the blood out of his head bandage as he worked on its talons. That's a good point. Yeah, thanks. That's a little tip. You can have that. You can have that. Nice for bats to get some positive media, I think.

If there's any Crime and War veterans listening, I like giving tips for our readers. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Peanut Butter Headband Woman, who we were talking about earlier, was something she said, which I afraid i i took great exception to was i mean my dog is a real foodie so i had to do this i mean come on firstly i don't like people that describe themselves as foodies now the word foodie is uh it upsets me it's when people say food is one of my passions it's like survival is one of my passions i'm sorry and also my dog likes food really yeah because a lot of them i find africa

you know you get a lot of dogs that are very strict on their diet they won't um you know they'll turn that turn their nose up at you know lots of chocolate cake and stuff i think i had a mate and he had a staff at chabal terrier and um i was turned up at his house he was a married man and uh he said to me uh where's the dog i said i don't know she didn't leave the door open and i said uh i don't know i don't know and we went into the. And we went into his front room, and the dog was on the table just finishing off a Black Forest Gato. I mean, like a really big one.

It was about eight inches high. Or it had been. He was just finishing it, the whole damn thing. He wasn't sick or anything. And he lived lived it was all fine so that's that's my i said it's anecdotal evidence i know but how long could he have lived had not had the gatto that's the problem well i mean that's something i don't know i'll have to phone chris witty and ask him for some uh a couple of charts of that but But if you're going to go eat an entire Black Forest...

I mean, got up onto the table, just seeing a dog standing on a dining table with a white tablecloth like that was fantastic. If you're going to go, it's got to be Death by Chocolate, not Black Forest Gato. Can I ask a question? I'm not familiar with the practice of cutting the nails of dogs it's almost like you didn't do anything for the dogs

well we never i can honestly say i had dogs my whole life till i was about 27 we never brushed one bathed one bought, bought one a tin of dog food. You say this like these are these halcyon days we need to go back to. Well, I think the dogs, you know, they're essentially... Do you think they had a nice life? I mean, I'm sure they... OK. Well, as you say, food is...

We're giving them, you know, it's not the chocolate that got them, it's the modern additives and stuff. Anyway, may I say, Frank, I think what's happened now is that we've realised that if dogs' claws get left for too long, they start to sort of scrap at the ground and it's just not good for them, it's not as comfy, so we trim them now. I know what, I'm not doing this for comedy effect. I had no idea that people cut dogs nails oh you have to do frank my dog at the moment sounds like nosferatu coming down the stairs i mean the nails i used to love the sound of dog nails on linoleum

was one of the downs of my childhood but my dog's barking right now. I can hear Lucky. Is Lucky having any grooming, Al? Interesting times. Well, for a very sweet period, Lucky and I had exactly the same cycle of needing our nails trimmed. They say when they live together, that happens. That's exactly it. But we've now gone out of sync.

That's lockdown for you. It's a time of great stress. Yeah. Did I ever tell you about It's a time of great stress. Yeah. Did I ever tell you about the time my dad caught the canaries' nails? No, but what a bad feeling about it. I think we'll make that a bit of a cliffhanger. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

So we had a canary when I was a boy and its nails got incredibly, they were doing a lap of honour around the perch. They'd already encircled the perch once and now they were making their way around again. Clearly they were too long. And my dad came in intoxicated, I'll be straight with you. And he said, I'm going to do the nails on that thing. And my mum said, no, no, you're drunk and all that. But nevertheless, he took it out of the cage

and he got these scissors. And anyway, he dropped it. It fluttered and he dropped it. And it went up and it went up to the light bulb in the kitchen and it went round and round the light bulb really quickly like a moth. And then it dropped and the cat had it and took it off. No. Oh, God.

That's horrific. It is horrific. Horrific. I don't know why I'm laughing. Maybe I'm hysterical. I'm just hysterical I'm so upset. But, yeah, that was the end of that. The terrible thing was, what I remember about it,

is that the cage wasn't cleared away for about a fortnight. There was just an empty cage in one corner. Oh, its emptiness screamed at us and just made the cat think the gold is... Yes, like a shameful reminder. Yes. It just shows how one of those Tweety Pie cartoons could have ended.

I was going to say, that happens in Looney Tunes. No. Oh, dear, different. One thing, my child, who is nearly eight now, but he hates having his nails cut, fingers and toes. Oh, yeah, they don't like it, do they? It did make me think, I wonder if I could use a variation on this method of the peanut butter on the forehead.

I was thinking if I wore one of those ornate turbans with the plume, you know the ones you see with the plume and a stone at the foot of it. Oh yes, I love those. I thought if I replaced the stone with a kinder egg at the base of the plume, I think I could probably cut his fingernails and toenails with no fuss whatsoever. And a lovely surprise at the end. Yeah, I might give that a go. I never trim my own fingernails.

I bite them down. Oh, you don't, do you? Yeah, I don't ever use the device. I use the device to trim my toenails. I can't bite those down. I haven't got the forward fold flexibility. Good use of the device, Mr Logic. I like the device.

Clippers, that's what the word is. I was just struggling on the word clippers. Well, do you know what I did? I bought a baby, you know those kits you get for newborns? Which you'll both be, I didn't buy a baby, but you know those kits you'll both be familiar with that you get for newborns, you know, with the little scissors

and the sort of clippers and things like that. I got that for Ray. Yes, and a thermometer, can I just say? I got that for Ray yes and a thermometer can i just say i got that for so i use those yeah remember to never use that thermometer when i'm around your house i don't like the sound of that very much he must look when you got the thermometer in it must look like when you drop a toffee apple and then pick it up from the floor it's got fluff and hair all over it poor ray we forget of course about the pets i mean they had enough to put up with with bonfire night but now i know now they've got this as well the the

whipper is the perfect lockdown the whipper is the perfect lockdown pet The Whippet is the perfect lockdown pet. Short hair, hardly needs any exercise and when it does, once a day, give it a quick blast and it's fine. Perfect lockdown pet. Highly recommend it. My vote would be the house cat for the perfect lockdown pet.

Good show. good shout Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio A friend of the show Peter Crouch has also been in the news regarding dogs this week apparently he now has a dog

that he one day hopes will win Crofts and his wife Abby Clancy has said that they bought a cage for the dog on Amazon. And she boasted it's the biggest on Amazon. And it's so big that Peter Crouch and the poor kids can all get in there. Peter Crouch can get in and out.

Peter doesn't even open the door. He just goes in between the bars. It's like when a magician puts someone in a trunk and they pass a sword through it to show that they've disappeared. Again, you know what I asked about the nail thing? A dog cage, is that a thing? Yes, it's quite a

popular thing where the dog finds it kind of protecting and comforting to go into its own space. So it's good for them. Some people think it's a bit cruel, but it's actually nice for them. What about the kennel? The kennel, they don't really exist so much anymore, Frank.

Wow, I'm so out of touch with the dog world. Yeah. Well, you've devoted a lot of your time to the poetry, haven't you? That is true. So is Peter Crote... to the poetry haven't you that that is true um so it's peter croat can one get a dog like that and think oh yeah i've got a i've got a crofts champion here would you know that emily you must know the answer to this would you just know early on is it like when people saw um lean or messy when he was nine and thought oh my god we've really got something special here well the thing about dogs particularly with show dogs is they have to be kennel club registered

if they're going to be eligible for entry and really it comes down to i'm afraid it does come down to a sort of physical perfection thing you know you can't have stray markings and they have to look a certain way so possibly he's confident his labrador is you know he might you know he might he might know he'd have to know a lot about it to know that but maybe yeah maybe peter crouch knows more about dogs than we think maybe he's the peter purpose of his generation well we we loved abby when we met her at the Brits and I think I mean I think Peter Crouch

in the ring can you imagine holding the trophy I would love it Peter Crouch finally gets to hold the trophy amazing

well I hope he's right about the dog or is it PC gone mad very good anyway that's very good fair play he's taking a bit of a chance though at Crofts isn't he Peter Crouch dog or is it PC gone mad? Very good. Anyway... That's very good.

He's taking a bit of a chance though at Crofts, isn't he, Peter Crotch? Peter Crotch. Peter Crotch. That was definitely a Freudian slip. Let's keep it in. So, we come to the end of the show. I should say that Sarah Champion is up next.

It's great, isn't it, that Absolute is battling on. I feel a bit like I've become a Vera Lynn character in this context. It's funny you say that. I've always thought of you as a Vera Lynn character. Yeah, I think there's something in that. Anyway, we'll meet again. By the way, my next... I shouldn't do this, but my next poetry podcast

is out on Monday the 27th this time I'll be discussing the beat movement of the 40s and 50s I love, I love the beats Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening today and I really mean that, and you know what

if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stop in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.