The Frank Skinner Show - Overt Recycling

Episode Date: June 13, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank has been wondering what to do with old VHS tapes and has questions about shorts. The team also discuss Prince Philip’s Birthday, vinyl clocks and the new rules in bookshops.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now, don't text the show, please, because we are not live today. I have to admit that. But you can still follow us at Frank on the radio, on Twitter and what's the other one called? Instagram. Instagram. And or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website.

Thanks for your help. Now, I don't often work with a prompt, but I find as the years advance, I'm glad of it. That's quite terrifying for me because I'd forgotten the word for Instagram as well. It's forgettable. I said it with a slight note of contempt in my voice as well like dad should have been after that instagram i thought

you left it for a bit thinking is he up to something here is this some sort of flourish is it comic flourish and then it was it was just um forgetfulness but nevertheless we were just talking off air there. There's a whole world off-air, which I sometimes think we should have a podcast called The Frank Skinner Show Off-Air, which was just the stuff that we

talk about. I'm joking, guys. I'm fine with not doing that, but as you were. We talked about one called Absolute Filth once. Do you remember that? about one called Absolute Filth once. Do you remember that? Do you remember Absolute Filth? Anyway, that's enough of that.

Oompa, oompa, that's enough of that in the old bazaar in Cairo. Frank, if we did Frank Skinner off air, why don't we just call it How to Get Cancelled in five minutes? Yeah, exactly. I don't know what you mean. So, yes, I was just... Faye, who is the assistant producer on the show, is from...

I could be doing it wrong here, but I believe that she's from Stratford-upon-Avon. She certainly dwelt there. And I was talking about the fact that I knew someone who used to insist on saying Stratford-upon-a-thon as a sort of a

well joke really I suppose and also there's a part of London called Crouch End which people used to call Crouchon again and then Fanny said one I've never heard that Stevenage Crouch End, which people used to call Crouchant again. And then Fanny said, one I've never heard, that Stevenage is

sometimes known as St. Evanash. And I think probably wrongly, think tremendous ill of people who say these things. But at the same time,

I would like to know if there's any more. So if anyone can think of any of, I think you had one, did you? Yeah, I had Musely Hill, which is Muswell Hill, which I think was probably coined at a time when Musely was considered the height of middle-class elitism

to have Musely. Like mobile phone used to be just yuppies. Yes. And my mother would say, I think in an attempt to give, when we lived in an area called Wood Green briefly, my mother referred to it as foray vert to make it sound slightly posher. Wow, that is good, yeah.

So if you've got any of those I'd love to hear them because I don't know I'm strangely attracted to them and horrified by them at the same time the way one might look at an automobile accident on the motorway anyway it's

hello guys obviously we can't see each other but it's nice just to hear your voices. He's lovely. And we are in, what are we calling current lockdown? Is it still semi? Or is it relaxed lockdown? Yeah, I think it's gone loosey, hasn't it? Loose lockdown, I'm calling it. Would you say we were on the latch? Loose down.

That's great. We're out of the house, but we haven't, we've just put the thing in, whatever it is that you do when you stop the door from locking when it shuts, that's where I feel we are. I've been doing that classic lockdown thing of um tidying things which i thought i'd never tidy you know there's a level of this tidying that you have to do in order to live and then there's sort of deep almost structural tidying which is things that don't need they're not in the way but you want to tidy them

and I'm on I'm in a sea of VHS's oh I mean I've got I'd say I've got a thousand VHS's okay yeah is this back to the Frank Skinner merchandise?

no I'm looking. It's rather rude, Alan. There are also, many of them are the great musical films I've noticed. I'm sure they are. I'm looking for, well, I'll explain what I'm looking for after. But honestly, I think I've got about a thousand. And I've got plans. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was talking about VHS. Actually, what does VHS stand for? Hello? Over to Alan. You still there, guys? I'm guessing it's something like video home. Screen? Can you believe we don't know that between the three of us? It's already obsolete and we don't know that? Between the three of us.

It's already obsolete and we don't know it. Yeah, but we lived with it for a long, long time, didn't we, when the VHS was at the centre of our entertainment universe. And we never got to find out what it stood for. I got it.

If only we were live. Can you imagine the text we be getting now it'd be flooding him i mean got it is quite a strong response somebody i like saying that beta max were technically better yeah yeah well that's that to me is more technical i'm on a point where i like to think there's anything i don't know what it means i always ask people i can't believe i'll just let vhs slide by all all those years so i've got them and i'm thinking that most of them i'll never play again one of the reasons being i don't have a uh a vhs uh player and so um there was a name for that anyway VCR

what did that stand for? I didn't know VHS Video Cassette Recorder Video Cassette Recorder Yeah that's good Alan So anyway one of the things I considered

what do you think of this as a practical possibility, is unravelling them and making beaded curtains for the poor. That's a good idea. You see, I think, but hear me out, hear me out. I think in the age of the global pandemic, one of the things that people talk about as in the public enemy category is door handles, that they pick up a great deal of bacteria. But they pick up a great deal of bacteria.

And it seems to me a reintroduction and a repopularising of the beaded curtain is imminent. And also, I think people would like the idea that they were formerly VHSs. I'm operating now from the same school as those people who like the idea that they're buying a clock that used to be a vinyl record. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Is it called upcycling?

Is it? Yeah. Lovely, Alan. Thank you. I think of it as a overt recycling right in there you can very clearly see what it used to be my concern about the vhs ribbons frank i mean surely the whole point of the beaded curtain was they provided some flair and colour into often and otherwise dull interior scheme. And the sludge brown, dirt grey colouring of the VHS ribbons just makes me feel rather depressed.

men in their late 40s early 50s who who wear jeans with a striped with a pinstripe jacket um i'm i'm calling it um jewels holland orchestra chic who want to show that they like music as some sort of i'm not completely uh washed up and and worthless and so they like, these are the men that buy the upcycled, I'm using the word now, or the overtly recycled vinyl as clocks. And I think the VHS curtain would buy into that. I'm talking about men in black Doc Martens with jeans and a shirt and a pinstripe jacket. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about the concept of what I like to call over-recycling,

but which Al tells me is called op-cycling. Oh, yeah. Can you offer an example? I'm thinking of an example there specifically. I know an example. There's a manufacturer of bags that use tarpaulin sheets like from the side of freight shipping. Those are nice.

I've seen that. No, actually, they are nice. Courier bags. They're cool. Yeah, the problem with them is they're too nice. I've seen that. No, actually, they are nice. Courier bags. They're cool. Yeah, the problem with them is they're too nice. That's too successful. You wanted a bad example. On this show.

I'll tell you what, let's make this, I'd like people to maybe tweet or whatever about this. Worst over recycling. tweet or whatever about this. Worst over recycling. And I'm thinking I would put the vinyl record clock I would put quite high up there.

The other one, what about the Coke can toy car? Oh, yes. When you know that everything is someone is saying, guess what? I know this is not a great toy car because it's sharp on the edges and stuff. But if you look not too closely, you'll see that we've actually made this from a Coke can.

So really what we're buying is their idea, not the product. I'm going to run another one by you, which you might never have come across the fork bracelet there's not a four do you know that one yeah so forks as in knife and um yes and they're bent around what they do they flare they flare the prongs into almost like a chrysanthemum like formation at the end. And it used to be a thing, lots of girls used to wear them in Birmingham, I remember. The fork bracelet. I don't know if they're still

around. I'd love to know from you guys. Genuine question, was this Uri Geller merchandise? No, but that... God, he could have not... He would have been the Henry Ford of the fork bracelet.

He could have just banged it on a fortune. They could have brought boxes. They could have set up in Sheffield near a cutlery thing. And they could have... He could have got a job surreptitiously at a local cutlery factory

and then took them in and said, oh, look what these ones have gone. These are unusable. I'll take them off your hands, if you like. Take them off your hands and put them on your wrists. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah. I'm surprised Yuri didn't think of it. There was a brief vogue.

Do you remember? I'm surprised you really didn't think of it. There was a brief vogue. Do you remember? I think it was in the 80s for the bricks as used in bookcases. You'd have planks of wood and bricks. The bricks would form the barrier between the bookshelves, the planks of wood.

No, I don't remember that. I was very bachelor pad. I don't like to sound very chic but our kitchen, don't worry, have some we have some shelving that's made out of old scaffolding beams, very chic, sanded down, upcycled if you will. But is it overt, Risa? Can you see that they are there? Or is it hidden? I suppose if you squinted, yeah. Hmm. I watched a documentary last night about the Mona Lisa and it was suggested, actually it wasn't quite suggested, I arrived at this from my own theorising, that the way he'd used the spumato technique on the mouth

is that if you squint, the smile broadens and becomes more obvious. And it worked. Just squint a little bit and suddenly she's grinning her head off. Try it. We've moved on from Bob Ross. Here we are. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. I am I'm wearing shorts. I have worn shorts for the whole of lockdown. And these ones that I'm wearing have. I have worn shorts for the whole of lockdown. And these ones that I'm wearing have, they are perishing. I don't mean, I have finished that sentence. I'm not going to say, they're perishing drafty, Mr. Holmes. I'm not going to say that.

You know, people, I'm not sure if this is a thing or not, but one sees people in ripped jeans, obviously, on a regular basis. Is ripped shorts a thing? Because these shorts now, one of the rare cases of actually something which is naturally ripping rather than being bought ripped or being ripped for fashion purposes. But is ripped shorts, is that a commonplace also? Or have I invented something? Can I just check, are they jean shorts, Frank? I'm just wondering if it's...

I'm just envisaging a sort of incredible Hulk. You're talking about cut-offs. Talking about cut-offs. Can anybody offer an image that gets the image I've got of Frank in denim hot pants out of my head? No, I love going much more Hulk. They're gold ones, like Kylie Minogue wore in... What was that video? Turning around or...

Spinning around, yes. So can a jean short, you're asking, can a cut-off... No, it's not jeans. They're not jeans. OK, OK, calm down, everyone. We've all had a drink. They're a sort of combat short. One could imagine me in the desert in these. But do people bother to rip shorts? Because, you know,

they're already sort of... God has ripped them, if you know what I mean, in that the bottoms are missing. If they've got a combat motif, I imagine they might do that in a sort of Andy McNabb, you know, I'm tough way.

But that doesn't strike me as your brand, really. So I'm afraid it might just look like your shorts are perishing as you've said. They are perishing, dear perishing draughties. Yes, I just wondered, I can't think now I've seen anyone in ripped shorts. I think I might have started something big.

I think I might have started something big as I think Karl Marx said. Anyway. Frank, we've had some outside world responses, by the way, in relation to place names

that are given a sort of comical twist. What, like Stratford-Dupont? Correct. Bob Singleton has tweeted us. Where is that? Where's that place? Oh, sorry. I thought he was one.

Go on. Bob says, I say Battersea instead of Battersea. Oh. Oh, Bob. Bob's fun. Battersea of Battersea. Oh. Bob. Bob's fun. Batursia. Batursia. It's quite nice. I could imagine that as a sort of a country house

called Batursia. Yes. Yeah. And we also have Tomkin. These are London so far, but we have got non-London, which we'll come to presently. But we have Chiswick for Chiswick. Oh, yes. I'm not quite sure what that's meant to convey.

I don't like that so much. But we also have St. Ockwell for Stockwell. That's from the CMC. Oh. So obviously the ST thing is often turned into a saint prefix. Okay, I'm just working it out in my... Just thinking out loud, guys. Relax.

Everything's going to be all right. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was reading that bookshops are going to be opening this week. Did you hear that? Oh, lovely. That's exciting. Yeah, this was what I read, which threw me somewhat.

Waterstones, obviously one of the major booksellers in this country, said that their policy will be once somebody picks up a book to look at it that no one else will be able to touch that book for 72 hours is that right because you know you are liable to leave your terrible slime on it your killer slime um How is that going to work, would you say? Will there be a sort of a sin bin of contamination? I'm going to call it contamination, where you put any book that you look at. I just don't know how that will affect my perusing.

I'm immediately worried about some baddies just walking down the aisles with their hands all over every book and then they've got a shot for three days. Like kids used to drag a stick down railings you know that. Exactly. Can I say as a published author

and you are in this category Frank Skinner what we don't want is rival authors rival authors going into these bookshops um sabotaging our book sales exactly intentionally touching them so they get placed in the contaminacia well also who's going to be watching who's um the the contaminacia monitor who's going to be saying excuse me don't to be saying, excuse me, don't put that. Excuse me. Hello.

Hello. Don't put that back in on the shelf. That goes in, obviously, in the contaminator. Yeah. I like the idea that we would do a text in called who's the contaminator monitor. That would be the most surreal we'd ever done, Frank. But I imagine it's a bit like the,

there's a thing called the pensive in Harry Potter where you put all your thoughts and it's like a bubbling cauldron. I imagine it's a sort of a book version of that with the bacteria sort of on simmer, as it were. It's going to be very complicated, though. I don't know how they're going to do it. I wonder if they should. We used to, at school, I remember,

used to have to put our books in... We used to have to make covers out of wallpaper that was left over. Every home, then, had wallpaper that was left over. People were the worst calculators of how many rolls required to wallpaper their homes. And so we would use the wallpaper to cover the books and maybe that, I don't know if that would help.

We had that. I had a lot of Laura Ashley floral. Oh, that sounds nice. I'm afraid... Go on, Al. Oh, that sounds nice. I'm afraid... Go on, Al. I had that stuff. What's the stuff with the lumps of paper behind it? Anaglypta.

Airtex? I think it's wood chip. Oh. Anaglypta is that stuff that looks slightly raised. Oh, the foamy stuff. Oh, was it Pebble. No, not so much foamy. Oh, was it Pebble Dash? Pebble Dash book.

It was in relief. It was wallpaper in relief. I'm going to call it that. It's a fresco. Fresco wallpaper. Just so you know, someone has been in touch, Frank, and said, what is the worst example?

We asked, what is the worst example of an overt recycling? We gave the example of a vinyl clock. I'm afraid Stuart has responded saying you're stuck in the 70s. It's all about the CD clocks these days. Oh, well, that's fair enough. But surely that is even in a way even worse because it lacks that sort of classiness that the man with the pinstripe jacket and jeans puts on vinyl. It's got nothing going for it at all.

And also they're screaming out, coasters, coasters, coasters. That's what old CDs say to me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can't text us today

because we're not live. I apologise for that, but it's the facts. You can, however, still follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. I said through, I meant via. But, you know, we're going to really fall out over that?

Come on. Boys, what about this? We just had this in as an example of overt upcycling. This is from Neil Critchley on Twitter, who says the glass window from a washing machine used as a fruit bowl. Oh, that's good. I've never seen that.

I'm very up for that. Is that something that exists or something that he has imagined? I'm assuming it exists. Wow. No, I've never seen that. I find you do get these things in shops but they're often there'll be a store when someone will have a store where they thought i know what

i'll do like me with my vhs um beaded curtains i was also wondering if you if you if they could be like place settings and you know the two holes could have a knife and a fork in the holes. Just a thought. Well, have you thought of pulling out the sort of ribbon of tape and perhaps going for some kind of novelty wig idea? Oh, I see. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think this is the age of the novelty wig.

I feel there's something, you know, one could build with them. When I hold them in my hands, I feel I could build with them. They've got a brick-like feeling and lightweight. You know Russell Howard's armchair on his news programme. I wondered if one could make... I mean, I could imagine the Jools Holland band relaxing in VHS armchairs. Oh, man, they love that in the dressing rooms.

Of course. I find the tyre... Perhaps even... Sorry, Frank. Go on, carry on. We haven't raised the tyre. The tyre is a big overt upcycling element. I've seen it because that can be used as a sort of plant pot, can't it?

External plant pot. And the crock. The crock is often used as a sort of wall hanger for plants. Is that right? Yes. With the tyre, I thought you meant as a chimpanzee entertainment center um i didn't see it used in gardens i think gardening is where a lot of this upcycling happens in fact uh just a week or so ago i i was uh recruited by my wife to carry a Belfast sink

across the street from a neighbour so that we could use it as a flower bed. Hmm. Heavy. Yeah, I saw someone growing gladioli in a deceased Labrador carcass. Fine. No, I didn't.

I made that up. What's wrong with you? I just think you could have made it sort of, you know, it's making it sound compost. But I don't know, maybe you're wrong. Wouldn't that be lovely? Because when you wore those blooms in your lapel, you've got your pet, you know.

Oh, my God. Gone but not forgotten. Exactly. Gone and still worn. Yeah. forgotten exactly gone and still worn um yeah i think i've told you many times that my dad buried our dog died a staffordshire bull terrier and the dad my dad buried it under the apple tree in our garden and said that um he was always told as a young uh child that if you bury a dead dog under an apple tree it improves the flavour of the fruit. He was full of wisdom, wasn't he?

He was. He knew many, many wrong things with tremendous conviction. Salt in the eye. Yeah. Well, that worked, I think. But yeah, the dog went under there. And I remember that my dad found a piece of i suppose it was driftwood if if that um if you can have driftwood still persisting with

this one yeah and what he did is he it looked in profile it looked a bit like the dog or the head of it did so he put that where the as a sort of a uh headstone for the dog and he actually put um it's shep he was called he put shep's collar on it where where the neck um would have been and so we had a sort of a wooden um modern art representation of the deceased um as a headstone meanwhile he was underground underground working on the apples. See, recycling at its most overt, I think you'll agree. So we haven't really spoke of the week's activities. What's going on?

Well, one of the stories that's been in the news this week is Prince Philip's birthday celebration. Oh, yes. And when I say celebration, apparently he doesn't want a big deal. He wants a kind of quiet affair. I suppose if you're a member of the royal family, having a non-formal meal

would be like a party for the rest of us. Yeah. So, yeah, he's 99 now. 99. So I think he's waiting until next year because when he turns 100

he gets a letter from the Queen or a telegram or something. So he's looking forward to that. You know, I'm sure I was horrified to discover that the Queen no longer signs those cards. Is that right? That people get on their 100th birthday. They're sort of just printed with a signature on. Oh, spoils it.

Now, I presume a combination of her getting old and being less inclined to sit signing things and also maybe more people making it to 100. But even so, it's not that many, is it, to sign? I think if you live to 100, I bet Philip gets gets the proper handwritten thing

he's probably going to get one even on his 99th birthday not even the 100th isn't he I suppose he gets one every birthday come to think of it does he get one like the card Alan Sugar gave his wife which said with best wishes AMS I I believe.

Oh, really? Yeah. I saw his Rolls Royce once in a street with the AMS one on it. Anyway, when you're 99, do you think it's like when you're a batsman on 99 that you start treading more carefully, not wanting to miss out on the ton? Yeah. I wonder if he's going to have a real year where he's going to be treated like a cut glass decanter

with his eyes on the prize of three figures. Well, to be fair, I think people have always trod rather carefully around him. Yes. I mean, he's someone I'd be slightly wary of offending or upsetting in any case. Apparently, he celebrated with a family Zoom chat. Yes, he's good on the technology, isn't he? That's unlikely, isn't it? I suppose it's because he's an on the technology, isn't he? That's unlikely, that, isn't it? I suppose it's because the next military guy.

It was all done in Morse code. We could have, Frank, we already have the expression on this show, still alive at 95, don't we? Or 85, I believe. So we could do still online at 99. That's what I thought. Very, very good yeah

actually there's one obvious treat isn't there for his party well I don't know if he can discuss that for his 99th birthday oh okay

no but I don't think he does that anymore I think it's he could have no but you could get him a 99 surely somebody in the royal household

have had the idea of getting him a 99 that is a good idea. And also it's a nice soft food, isn't it? I've got it, Frank. A bit of upcycling, over upcycling. Get the 99 symbol from one of the ice cream vans as a lamp.

That would look lovely. I mean, he'd love, he'd love. Of course, that's classic overt recycling is the wine bottle with candle wax on it, lamp. Very good. Oh, yes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I went to an ice cream van once. I said, do you go to an ice cream van? What do you do? Do you attend an ice cream van once. I said, do you go to an ice cream van? What do you do? Do you attend an ice cream van? Approach. Anyway, I approached an ice cream van

and there was a handwritten biro sign. Oh, on cardboard. That said, let's talk to the thing, that said ice cream cone with inserted chocolate flake bar and then whatever the price was and I said is that like 99 he said yeah but

I do them myself and I was threatened by the 99 people that I couldn't use the phrase I said, what? And he said, yeah, we're told that there's like a copyright thing on it. Really?

Yeah, so he sort of spoilt the 99 by sort of, you know, it was like when you see a magician, you don't know how it's done. We don't want the units. He'd broken it down to its ingredients. When I'm eating a 99, I don't like to think about a legal wrangle. It's just one of those things. No, no. But wasn't the famous thing, I think, in Glasgow,

I'm going now to Alan, our Scottish correspondent, wasn't that famous for ice cream wars at some point when there was lots of arguments about who parked their van where and stuff like that yeah i think they got very violent i think they did get as i said they were in glasgow oh yeah and i think there was crush knots i think was one of the options Very good. Yeah, so obviously there's a whole bobbling underworld, not unlike the opening of Blue Velvet,

where you've got an idyllic scene of a man mowing his lawn and then he has a heart attack. And as he drops in the undergrowth of the grass, there's all these insects fighting and killing each other and stuff underneath the scene it's kind of what the ice cream wars were like i think lovely can i tell you both something i don't trust people that's it no i don't trust should we talk about next who enough about me um who approach ice cream vans and buy anything other than what I'm going to call a live ice cream, you know, an ice cream prepared on the spot. You go for a 99. You go, you know, that's part of the joy is seeing the machine come down. What I hate is when people say, oh, we'll have a strawberry

maybe or something, a strawberry split. Cornish maybe. And then they just get the wrapper, Cornish maybe. I mean, that just to me, I just think that person's a bit unimaginative and I don't want them in my friendship. I just assume that they're germaphobes and they want something with a wrapper on it because they don't know where the ice cream person is washing their hands. No, and we don't know how long that ice cream's been in there. Yeah.

That's part of the thrill. Yeah. A little bit. There was a great irony. Remember Skyray? Do you remember Skyray? That was like a sort of a rocket ship ice lolly. I did like those.

It really made me feel like I was living in the space age. Sorry, carry on now. There was a great irony on the Daily Mail website this week because they celebrated Prince Philip's 99th birthday by having an article up called 99 Prince Philip Facts. And it said at the bottom, the comments below have not been moderated, which I thought, that seems right. Yeah. Why break the habit of a lifetime?

Exactly. Did it then say it's what he would have wanted? Exactly, yeah. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing the fact that the Duke of Edinburgh was 99 this week. Can I ask you, do you buy into the theory?

You must have heard this theory. It was oft mooted about the Queen Mother. The reason she lived to such a great age was that, I'm calling it the drafty castles theory, that she grew up in a lot of cold, drafty castles theory that she grew up in a lot of cold drafty castles and that toughened her up. Oh. Oh, really?

I've never heard this theory. The Spartan sleeping on the step outside. Yes. It was that kind of... I mean, I grew up in a council house where we used to get ice on the inside of our bedroom windows in the winter. So what age should I be looking forward to based on this?

150? I don't think it was hard living, was it, the tough conditions she had to put up with. I don't know, I could be wrong, but it was often... If anyone out there who works in... What area of science would that be, the study of the elderly? Thanks for that. We don't know. I'll put that on the VHS list. Let us know if there could possibly be any truth in that,

because, like I say, although you two are clearly confused, I've heard it said a lot. I'm sorry, to stand up for us, this sudden VHS list, which is random questions you fire at us, which you personally don't know the answer to, I'm not having it. Well, I'm on it. I'm on the list. OK, good. OK.

As long as we're all on it, the list. So, yeah, I looked at the 99 facts about the Duke of Edinburgh. One of them was that he loves Mary Berry. Yes. Yeah, apparently. They stick together that lot. That lot? What, the elderly?

Yeah, the frighteningly elderly. Yeah, there's the elderly and then there's a whole different branch, an underground branch of the elderly where they're older than anyone else. One of my favourite items on that list, entitled 99 Things You Didn't Know About Prince Philip, was it said that he once operated a bulldozer whilst digging out a water garden at Balmoral and I have to say

if there's something which I would call the thing I can most imagine Prince Philip doing, it would be soaring around, it would be like manically in a bulldozer like decimating rose bushes and I can imagine like animals and children just like lying

strewn in the path and him saying, well, should we keep our eyes open? And him swearing, him really swearing in a Bosch accent. I mean like really wildly. Yeah, another fact. There's funny things in there.

He did say funny things. He's got material Al. He really does though. He met some females in a hospital and he asked them how old they were and one of them said, I'm 104 and my friend is 101. And he said, I don't believe you. Women always take 10 years off. That's good stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. That is good stuff. That's not a million miles from, like, you know, when comedians say to an audience member, oh, how old are you? Oh, it'd be rude to ask that. What are you weigh? You know, it's like, it's very close to that sort of joke.

No, it's interesting because the young royals are completely joke-free zones, I would say. I've never heard of Harry Wills, any of their partners or any of the, you know, the Eugenies. I never, ever heard of anything accredited to them which was comical in any way whatsoever. There you go. That's them summed up in essence. And you can imagine how much that fact increases my respect for them as people. On the new series which we're now running, 99 Things About the Duke of Edinburgh,

one of the ones that I saw, was it the mail it was in? I think a couple of the papers did it, but yeah, the mail did one of Edinburgh. One of the ones that I saw, it was in, was it the mail it was in? I think a couple of the papers did it, but yeah, the mail did one of them. They had the idea. We decided, we had a meeting, me, Al and Emily, and decided to wait for the big hundred. And now I think we've been slightly undercut. I made a mistake there.

Yeah. We didn't really. But anyway, he was mentioned in dispatches, I made a mistake there we didn't really but anyway he was mentioned in dispatches which I always like which I think often entails a medal he was in a battle when he was

on a Royal Navy ship and what he did was he operated the searchlights so it was like a boom operator. Not boom operator. What do they call the guy who's on the spotlight? Oh, no. The follow spot.

VHS list. Yeah, follow spot. He basically did follow spot. And I had a theory. Now, see what you think about this. Hitler. Oh, yeah. Remember?

Seriously? Hitler. what you think about this hitler oh yeah um seriously hitler he um was very successful orator public orator and uh was was very good live apparently and i i suspect that hitler would not have risen to such power if at that time they'd already invented the laser key ring where you can shine a red dot

on somebody. Because I think if you watch any Hitler speech they turn up on telly now and again, that if you imagine that with a red light dancing around on him, I think it undermines his authority tremendously. Yes. And it's little things like that that change history.

Agreed. That's my view. I'd like to get your views, boys, change history. That's my view. I'd like to get your views, boys, on the role of the royal correspondent, which always strikes me as quite an odd sort of vocation, really.

Because some of the insights... When I hear the phrase royal correspondent, I reach for my revolver. Who would want to, who, how, at what point in your career do you think I know what I'd like to be? A royal correspondent. It's like a not, it's not a journalist is it? You wouldn't call that journalism as such. It's a really weird... I've talked about the way they taught.

There was one interview on the telly where everything was, yes, well, of course, Her Majesty, and glory... And you think, sure, relax. Well, your hands might be loitering near the revolver cabinet

because one of the royal correspondents, they were asked to give a comment on Prince Philip reaching 99. And the quote went thus, given the panorama of experience they share, their interest in their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, I'm sure talking to them on the phone on video calls is a pleasure they share. I mean, what insight has that given us? It's rubbish. They like their children. And also, do they talk like that all the time?

The panorama of experience. That's what worries me about royal correspondence. See, that's how they talk. There's what worries me about royal correspondents. That's how they talk. There's nothing else left in there. If I met a royal correspondent, I would be astonished if they were in colour.

They should be in black and white and slightly sort of scratchy, you know, scratchy film. They are so... Hello, this is the BBC in London. If you dated one, do you think during an intimate moment he would say to me, given the panorama of experience we are currently sharing?

Because I'm not into that. I think that's more than likely. I'm really so disappointed. I thought this whole thing was building towards when I dated a royal correspondent and you've let me down. Most terrible. I snogged Jenny Bond once, but it was drink.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show, we're not live. Sorry about that, but don't. However, you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website. We've been discussing a few things.

We put some stuff out there about the Stratford-upon-le-Vent phenomenon. I want to call it the grandiose pronunciation of the mundane. Let's call it that. Oh, very good. Well, we've got... GPMs.

We've had all sorts of responses. Firstly, just some responses, Frank, actually, to the overt upcycling, we're calling it, aren't we? Overt recycling. I see what you've combined too. Overt recycling and upcycling. I don't know, I'm taking Alan's word for the upcycling. It sounds much trendier. I just like saying overt. John Holcroft Illustrator, who's on Twitter, he suggested an old car wheel turned into a plant pot by slitting the tyre through the middle circumference and turning one side inside out, which formed the base. Wow. We also have from Susie C using pennies as flooring. Defying gravity.

Pennies as what? Oh yes, I think we once talked about Penny's as flooring on here. Oh. A bloke had done his garage floor. That's right. Oh, OK. With two pence pieces. Alex Sugden has orange peel ashtrays.

I think that's just for a student, possibly. Yeah, that is. I've used that as a temporary thing, but I don't know how long they last. They dry beautifully. In your case, Frank, what was that, 1981 through four or something? Laura Gladwin has dictaphone cassettes, you know, the little cassettes you get, as earrings.

Mm. OK. Now that is something. They sound trendy, though. Yeah, well, they've got... I think most people wouldn't know what they were, would they? What I like about them is they may contain her speech if she'd make them herself.

Yes. I'd want to play them. I remember, I think Mick Jagger said that in a... a ribald party one night that he had one of his country homes that they took down I think it was um I think it was the beggar's banquet um album I think I think it was beggar's back anyway yeah they had a gold record for it and they decided to play it so they they they took the frame off and took it out of the glass and it was um body holly's greatest hits oh so uh it seems that when you get your gold record it's whatever records they've got lying about it's not necessarily that

that record um but it would if um if she what sorry what was the lady's name who the the lady who talks about the uh dictaphone hearing is called laura gladwin laura if laura's using her own making her own stuff then it'll be laura's words and um it's it's quite nice i think um always to have your own words in quite close proximity to your ears. That would be my view. Frank, you've also been talking about, you mentioned earlier, the comical names, nicknames for places. GPM. David Stelly.

The old pronunciations of the Monday. Oh, that's the one you've nailed it well what I like about you nailing it in that fashion is it also incorporates restaurants we're going wider now so David Stelling has reminded us that the Italian owned theme pub he refers to as All Barone

which is All Bar One was regularly called that which is an attempt to make it sound grandiose we're meeting all barony do you see uh and martin g has heard that one before snore bands for st albans which is you know rather rude snore snore bands yes Is that what it was? From the same caption-making school as a newspaper, not a snooze paper, remember that?

It's one of the great advertising slogans of the 70s, shall we say? Yeah. I think it was the Daily Mail. Can you believe that that caught on was seen as an act of genius? Newspaper not a snooze paper. From a time when people, men, the men of the house traditionally slept with a newspaper over their face

to block out light. I suppose it had more of a direct reference than it does now. Friendskin on Absolute Radio. Going back to the Duke of Edinburgh, the D of E, it said in the article I read

that the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh have spent the whole of lockdown at Windsor Castle. Yeah. Now, as I recall, was there not a ban on going to your second home for lockdown? Oh. I'm not certain. I don't see them being pursued a la Cummings.

Cummings and Gilead. I'm not entirely sure that they're meant to follow the same rules as the rest of us. I don't think that's quite the gig. Well, it's that kind of talk that's given them. You'd think they'd be safe enough at Buckingham Palace, wouldn't you? You would.

I mean, especially as the crowds have been very down over the last three months. Yeah. I've noticed, anyway. So there was that. And then there was a very bizarre... I don't know if you saw this, in one of the papers, it suggested that a picture of the Duke and the Queen, you know, the royal family have a sort of a photo took for a special occasion. Yeah. So they've done a 99th birthday picture and it was the Duke of Edinburgh and Her Majesty the Queen standing in the quadrangle at Windsor Castle, which you'd think would be easy enough to organise. And it's been treated by people.

There's been lots of talk about how it's a fake picture with lots of... Yes, it's Photoshop. It's been given the sort of moon landing treatment. I don't know if it's a quiet time for conspiracy theorists. You wouldn't think so at the moment. No. But they've really gone to town.

It's a very standard picture, isn't it, of the Queen and Prince Philip standing in front of Windsor Castle. That's what it looks like to me. Some are saying the backdrop looked overexposed and that the royals looked more shadowy. Well, the camera cannot lie what if there's a silhouette that's at one side

which is Prince Andrew there are some roles that do look more shadowy some have been photoshopped out all together of the portraits yeah it's an enormous... One of the things is that...

By the way, wouldn't it have been brilliant if they'd had a picture, a photograph of the Duke of Edinburgh and the Queen and the caption had been, I've got 99 problems, dot, dot, dot. Oh, God, that would have been good. I think he would have liked that. I mean, they go on and on.

There's something wrong with the Queen's hands. It's been altered in Photoshop and all that sort of stuff. But why would anyone Photoshop the Queen's hands? That's what I thought was odd. It's a bit insensitive. I mean, even my own hands now, but certainly the hands of the very elderly never look quite like they're from human species.

I mean, you know, they look quite a bit different. Maybe that's why they've had to Photoshop the hands, because of all the hand washing from the COVID. They haven't Photoshopped. What's she going to say? Can you help a girl out with some filter action? They don't know about Photoshop. Besides, they've probably, they've ripened.

Years have been in gloves, in complete darkness. They've ripened into some sort of dark horror. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing this mysterious photograph of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, which has been seized on by conspiracy theorists because it includes Photoshop, apparently. Do you have any theories?

I mean, they're going on about the Queen's hands looking like they've been put on. No one's mentioned that the Duke, someone seems to have put Darth Maul's head on the Duke of Edinburgh. And that's gone unnoticed. They could have put some kind of lightness filter across his face, couldn't they?

Exactly. But the Queen's hands, which is a lovely pub, I must say. You never get the Queen's hands, do you? They get the head and all that. Oh, yeah, that's true. Arms. Do you get any other body parts? No, not the Queen's hands, do you? You get the head and all that. Oh, yeah, that's true. Arms. Do you get any other body parts? No, not the Queen's feet.

No, the Queen's, you don't know. But the arms I've seen, I think the Queen's arms you can have. You spend the night in the Queen's arms. Oh, lovely. Yeah, it's a nice song, actually. Sorry, carry on. It must be strange for Prince Philip to be in a story that includes Photoshop when he's 99, because presumably he's been in pictures going right back to pretty basic cameras.

Well, there was a time when an event like this would have an oil painting, wouldn't it, that accompanied it. event like this would have an oil painting wouldn't it that accompanied it did talking of which did you read in the 99 um facts as opposed to problems uh an art expert said he philip is a keen oil painter yeah and the review of his work i enjoyed enormously because again that's so prince philip he said it's exactly what you would expect. Totally direct, no hanging about. I mean, it's a review, but if that was of my art, I think I'd feel a bit disappointed. Exactly. I'm not rushing. I didn't Google image his art after that.

There's arguably an even less kind review of Prince Philip in there because it said that the historian David Starkey describes him as HRH Victor Meldrew. On one foot in the grave. I think he probably means like he's a grumpy old man, but I thought glass houses, glass houses, David Starkey. I think it means that Dax and Hanset that he's got at Windsor Castle that he uses. I don't know.

It's difficult. But my son this week, out of the blue, we weren't even talking about the Queen or anything. He just said, you never see the Queen in leggings, do you? It's a great observation. It's true, but you can't build an act on that, I thought. But as you say, I was surprised they had funny jokes.

I mean, funny jokes that were non-offensive, funny jokes to anyone. I think Duke of Edinburgh, and they were properly good gags. It's different, isn't it? Because the modern, if I may call them, Meghri and Cateon,

those two couples. There seems to be a battle now between them, a sort of global battle to see who cares the most about contemporary social issues. And it reminds me, it really took me back to the Geldof Bono Most Compassionate Irishman wars of the early 2000s. When they were, I mean, it was a fiercely content, made the Glasgow ice cream wars look like a walk in the park.

I care more than you do. It was, that was an Irish accent. It was Scottish. I can't remember who got involved. Maybe the mid-year were again sticking his nose in where it's, where it's, well well it may be wanted but it was often snubbed So again

my mind wanders to the outside world and what glories might have been incoming this week We've had some missives in from things that we discussed last week uh and one that i'd like to bring to your attention was we were discussing uh mnemonics and you brought up the 30 days because you were caught on the hop by the uh 31st of may if i'm not not mistaken. Yes, which it's not foolproof, the 30 days at September,

because the April, June and November, I think it is, it's easy to get April, May and November stuff in there. It needs to rhyme, these things. We've had many people suggesting good mnemonics, but I'm not as attracted to that as I am to Rob Doyle's message saying, can I submit something worse than 30 days? And he suggests, remember, remember the 5th of November. Loads of room to get the number and the month wrong.

Remember, remember the 6th of December, anyone? Yeah, exactly. Rob. There's so much scope. Also, how does it continue? Gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder, treason should ever be forgot. Well, I do.

I'll give you one big reason but never mind I did wonder if you were going to be triggered by this Why did you bring up the 5th of November I mean come on we know what we're dealing with here Don't even start me on the people of Lewis in Sussex

It's nice knowing you guys We've had a few actually we've had 230 in Sussex. It's nice knowing you guys. We've had a few, actually. We've had 230, who says, Frank, on the London Knowledge, it's all little grows quickly for the theatres on Shaftesbury Avenue, which is the Apollo, the Lyric, the Gielgud

and the Queen's theatres. That's from Ray the Cabbie, who I believe might be a regular. So, yeah, good way to remember that. What is it? What's the mnemonic again? It's some all little, not Ralph Little, all little grows quickly. And that's Apollo lyric, Gielgud and Queens.

There you go. I remember you telling me, you told me a very helpful mnemonic for remembering. I'm afraid it's... We can't do that now. It's very rude. Yes. No, we won't do that. I'll tell you what I would like. In an ideal world, if somebody

can construct a mnemonic, by the way, if you're new to the show and new in some ways to the outskirts of the English language, a mnemonic is something, a rhyme or whatever, anything that helps you to remember something.

I wonder if any of our readers could use Nimone, I don't know if she's still at Radio 1, but remember there's a Radio 1 DJ called Nimone. I thought it would be very good if Nimone, which I think is I-N-M-O-N-E, it's like Nina Simone has been conflated into Nimone. I wondered if that, wouldn't it be great to have a mnemonic based on Nimone's name because she's moving towards mnemonic as an actual title those are the sort of things i think well peter howell has suggested memory needs every method of nurturing its capacity as a m as a mnemonic for spelling mnemonic wow i've forgotten it already, Peter. You still have.

I thought the pneumonia money was basically turning the whole thing inside out. But this one, I think we now are just a tiny dart in the centre of the screen. But having said that, of course, I'm loving it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, before we go, I'd like to ask you, it's sort of a male etiquette question, really, where you stand on this. I went to my best friend Jane, it was her birthday this week, and she had a very responsible birthday celebration with just sort of, you know, key family members, members the bubble as I believe they're calling it and um David Baddiel was there with his partner Morwenna Banks and they were kept at arm's length no offense but that's the way it has to be right now as we all know yeah we watched a film which was lovely in the garden all spaced out we watched Spirited Away which is

a charming beautiful film I don't know if you should have admitted that you were all spaced out i'd rather be accused of that right now we know what show we know what showbiz parties are like but i don't think you have to rub our noses can i say that was not the case we it was very atmospheric frank we had our own blankets we We had a lovely fire. It was lovely. It's a beautiful animated film. Suddenly... It's a lovely film. Can I just say before we go on to that, Jonathan Ross sent me

those Studio Ghibli that make Spirited Away. Spirited Away was their moment when they sort of went a bit more mainstream. But there's one called, I think it's called My Neighbour to Turo, My Brother to Turo. Oh, yes, that's right, yeah.

Which I think is really sensational. I would recommend that to anyone. Sorry, please carry on. No, that'll be my next. Well, so as you can imagine, I'm painting the scene here. It was, the whole thing was so atmospheric and absolutely, I mean, we had little jars with little fairy lights in them glowing. Then I suddenly hear this voice, David Baddiel, I need the toilet.

OK, excuse me, everyone. And he goes over to the bushes at the edge of the garden to relieve himself. I appreciate he was in a needs-moss situation, you know, and it was better than going into the house, wasn't it? But, I mean, why do you stand on this? I'm not saying he's got previous. Well, nowhere near the bush, for a start-up.

I mean, it was only six months ago he did it in a car park when I was with him. Did he? Yes. I mean, he was urgent. And and I should say he's a responsible man you know he made sure he was completely hidden and out of sight but I couldn't unknow that. Did he run it by the hosts? I don't mean the urine, I mean the theory of doing it. Oh yes he's very good. You don't want to run it too close to the hosts.

Did he run it by the hosts? Get that out of my head. David's got immaculate manners, but I just, it's an odd thing for me, you know, because the back gets turned and I know what's going on and he did the right thing, but it's a difficult thing when a male friend does that. It is, it is. Yeah, it's a difficult thing. I mean, we've all, you know when you drive down the motorway and there's about 20 blokes all lined up, all obviously doing it.

Football, I'm thinking football, excursion. I think he is abiding by the letter of the law of the nation now. I think that is how the government wants us to pass water when we're at our friends' houses in their gardens. In each other's gardens. I think so. Well, thanks for the heads up. See you next Saturday, Frank. Good for the apple tree.

I travel with a vessel. Anyway, so, look, it's been lovely talking thank you so thank you so much

and yeah it's ruined that ship I had in there um Sarah Champion is up next listen to her

I'm sorry Sarah I don't have I don't have jingles here champion the wonder horse that's all I can come up with live but

thank you all so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Go form a bobble. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.