The Frank Skinner Show - Plum Tree

Episode Date: May 30, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! Frank has a new late review and had an accurate recommendation on his Kindle. The team also talk about the Dominic Cummings press conference, unusual bookmarks and beauty spots.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Do not text us because we are three separate households. We can't be together. We can't be live. We're not live. However, you can contact us at frank on the radio through twitter and instagram or you can email us via the absolute radio website now before the show uh began we're each in our respective um homes um we were talking about Rock the Casbah by The Clash, am I right guys?

Yes, you are And what was your question again, Emily? Who doesn't like it? What I actually said which was a bit obtuse I said, who is it who doesn't like it? There could be a lot of answers to that question but I was referring to the lyric

which is something like Sharif don't like it or Sharif is it? Sharif don't like it something like that If it's the Kaz Bar it could be Sharif Omar Sharif I think there is a backgammon verse

an international backgammon tournament verse in it I miss that about our readers Frank that normally we would ask that and they'd tell us that makes me sad briefly that's a fabulous

have you ever heard of Clinton Ford no he did a thing which they've sort of completely died now he did comedy songs. And he did a song called The Old Bazaar in Cairo, which I like to think would be on the same family tree as Rock the Casbah.

And it had a moment in it I particularly loved that goes, Harem, scarum, what do you think of that? Bare knees, striptease, dancing on the mat. Oompa, oompa, that's enough for that in the old bazaar in Cairo. And it's the reprimand mid-verse of that's enough for that. I love it. Absolutely love it.

The idea of the crowd have got excited and started going, umpah, umpah. I like the idea that's said in a different tone of voice by another character as well. It'd be good, wouldn't it? Sort of Arab-themed pop songs. That's two. Yes. Excuse my ignorance. Midnight at the Oasis,

Maria Mulder. Oh, yes. Excuse my ignorance, boys, but what is a Sharif? Well, we used to have a Sharif, but things got pretty tough in this town. Well, they generally don't come back. A Sharif? No, I'm thinking of Omar Sharif.

Oh, I see. Is it? It's not a noun is it i don't know well please um let us know anyway we won't you know we'll um oh i wish it was live life was so much easier when we were live we'd ask a question like that and our readers they were super smart generally speaking um would be on it like a dog on a rabbit. Let's not start a three-hour show on quite such a regretful note. No, no, you're right. No, you're stuck with us thickos, I'm afraid.

Never mind. Let's look on the... I'll tell you what, I've got a bad back. You know, if there's one thing that drags me down, it's a bad back. And, you know, if there's one thing that drags me down, it's a bad back. I am still doing the Joe Wicks PE class thing every weekday morning. And I was doing this. Perhaps I should send you a more suitable exercise regime.

Well, it was going great. It's been a life changer, Joe Wicks. But he does this thing called the dot walk when you have to walk around with your knees very, very close to the floor. At like a sort of extreme version of the Groucho Marx walk. That's arousing for Kath. Yeah, well, she's doing it as well, remember. Me, Kath and Buzz do it together. So we're all walking around like that.

So cute. But he was doing a wheel of fortune thing so he spins it and that tells you what exercise to do and because the dot walks came a few of them came close together he started improvising and he suggested that we went right down and just jumped up and down whilst remaining you know knees six inches from the floor and that did my I just felt it go. It was a terrible moment. So thanks for that, Joe.

Don't improvise, Joe. Just, you know, write it, write the thing up and go for it. Let's see your own work, mate. Not your hunches. So, yeah, I'm in some pain. I'll be straight with you. Well, I won't be straight. I'll be hunched.

I'm keeping a low profile. Literally. I'll tell you something, I started on a neg note, which I'm sorry about now, about the show not being live, but we do still hear from our loyal readers, so that's tremendous news. Keep the stuff coming in. What's in the current batch?

We've had some good ones, Al, haven't we? We've had... Do you remember you were asking last week, Frank, whether anyone had any Frank Skinner merchandise? Yes, because I've got a box full, which obviously I can't really wear without it. But you are head to foot in John Bishop outfits quite a lot of the time. Yes, I'm all right with the John Bishop merch because that makes me look humble. But wearing myself makes me look like I'm hungry to be recognised.

Appearance is a key. We've had some good ones, Al, haven't we? We've had David Green. Here you go, Frank. Dad, in brackets, Ron Green cameras, enjoyed working on many shows with you, all the best. And he's got a Frank Skinner bomber jacket and three T-shirts.

Wow. Yeah. Blimey. Do you think he ever wears them i'm guessing i can see the dog now nestled on that bomber jacket in a basket they look box fresh actually they look they look in good condition wouldn't you say he sent a picture as well i sent a picture very nice that's ron green ron green and then we're on our way peter rawlinson says not merch related exactly but when i worked in a shoe shop years ago a lady came in with a gift voucher and asked if i could void it swap it for a new one but could she keep the old one i asked why she'd met you somewhere and that was all she had to get your autograph on oh yeah of course i remember signing i don't um i'll tell you something i um i had a table football like a proper professional pub size table football thing and i was one of the players on it. I was at centre forward on one team and all the other players were guests

from a series of the chat show I used to do. So there was like Kenny Rogers in midfield, Jermaine Greer, central defence and so forth. And I also had a pinball machine. The whole design was me and another series I'd done. So I had like Jamie Lee Curtis and stuff on it. And when Kath moved in, I thought, oh, they're a bit laddish, these. So I got rid of them.

And I wonder where, that was a terrible error. Yeah, wasn't it? It was. And I wonder where they are now. Oh, these we have lost. Irreplaceable. Yeah. Never mind. wonder where they are now oh these are irreplaceable yeah never mind linford walker has uh messaged saying i have a mug and a pencil the pencil is in my toolbox somewhere the mug has

only just resurfaced from the back of the cupboard as my daughter has reached the age i wish her to to see such an awesome joke and then adds in brackets she's 45 so i'm very curious as to how blue the jokes on your merchandise obviously i can't tell you on air what that joke well i think i've seen the joke and it's unbelievable yes i i mean i'm i'd i wouldn't i'd be offended by it i mean would it put you off your tea if it was in there? Put me off my life? Oh that's an interesting thought that would it put you off your tea? No I like the fact that at age 41 she still wasn't quite ready for it

Yeah At the age of 37 Sorry I'm very whimsical today. OK. Do you know that song? Yes, I do know it. The Eyes of Lucy Jordan. Very, very lovely.

Anyway, that's not what we're going to play for you in a minute. But you know what? The playlist has been rested from my grip. Who knows what's on it at the moment? I'm guessing Sex on on fire but we'll see on absolute radio i've been um i've been hammering my kindle a bit uh just lately i sort of have periods when i don't i don't really want the kindle i want a real book in my hand. But there's something nice about being in a totally dark room

with just a tiny pool of light that you're reading from. I know that can happen with a real book. But anyway, so I've been buying some stuff on Kindle because the bookshops are shut, and I miss that. And then I got, I don't know if you're Kindle users, you guys. Oh, yes. They offer you recommendations based on what you've been reading. Right.

And I was in the column entitled Kindle Top Picks for You. There we go, Mein Kampf. Which is a fabulous piece of tailoring. Now, they'll know I wouldn't want to read that again. It's my own autobiography. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. Now, that's an interesting piece of profiling they've done there.

Yeah. They've got it down to basically one person uh so i was quite thrilled by that and then i saw four stars oh what a sick that absolutely even in my own home do i want critics coming into my own home and robbing my nose in it how many stars did you get for your podcast in the times i think it was yes but i um how many i got five but i thought i thought the five star review as you almost never see a five star review certainly not for my stuff it's like it's like you don't um It's like they don't do it anymore, that it's regarded as a bit lowbrow to give five stars

because nothing's perfect in life. Yes. I think it feels quite broad to get the five star. It's something I've always said to reassure myself. Yeah, you think it's like, I've always imagined in my many daydream fantasies, I've got one where I'm an international batsman for England. And I mean, I'm not making, this is a thing that I've spent've had i've spent you know hours um living in my mind and one of my things is that i don't hit sixes because i find them rather brutish i only hit fours

they're a bit yeah and i think maybe you could see five stars in in that sort thing. That's a bit, oh dear, a bit too much. You know what I mean? It lacks nuance. So that was... It's so well realised, your fantasy character, what you would and wouldn't do in certain situations. I love it. Yeah.

And I score mainly in twos and singles in this daydream because I can, because I don't want... I once read that Thierry Henry, the former Arsenal striker, at one point in his career decided that making goals was a more creative thing than scoring them and started focusing on that for a bit. I love that.

Yeah, right. Oh, that's when... Oh, the French. You've got to love them. Can, right. Oh, that's when, oh, the French. You've got to love them. Can you imagine an English, can you imagine Troy Deeney thinking that? Thinking, you know what? Oh, man, but what a great, what a great idea. I love the whole concept of it.

It's like me, you know, if I decided to just write feeds to jokes, put them on the internet for young comics to give them a little ramp. Sounds like fun. Yeah, maybe I'll try that. Emily was just saying, actually, that it's, if you don't mind me quoting something you've said off air, obviously I'm selective, it's impossible to say no after you without it seeming, what was your term that seemed ironic? I said it's impossible to say it without it sounding incredibly insincere. A term I've heard commentators use, I think in football commentary, is that if someone sort of slightly defers to someone else in a challenge,

they say, oh, that was a bit after you clawed. I really like that. The clawed bit of it, which makes it so sort of prissy and posh. As to somehow lack masculinity. That's how I read it. It's the equivalent of the slightly tetchy email followed by a thanks. And then just the name. Oh, I feel sick when I get that. Can I...

I've been watching a lot of B bogs bonnie during uh lockdown when i say a lot i can tell you just from the numbering the numbering system on on demand that i've watched 170 now 147 bogs bonnie cartoons and all about, yeah. It's a decent snooker break as well. It is. It's the most Alan thing I've ever heard said. They call it the Bugs Bunny, don't they? One, four, seven. Yes, I think so.

Do you observe my rule, Frank, re-cartoons, which is that you just simply cannot watch them after 7pm at night because that i just that's awful it's so depressing well it depends on the cartoon of course um david has recently introduced me to bojack horseman which i don't feel you can watch before 11 o'clock no which i like actually but boggs Bonny, you know what? Boggs Bonny, can I say, is absolutely brilliant. And yes, it's a late review.

It really is. But I don't think I've ever completely understood how brilliant. I think Boggs Bonny sums up everything that's positive about the American spirit. Oh, why's that? He's sort of a bit cocky, he's inventive, he endures, he's fearless, unflappable. It's brilliant. But my son, who's now eight, as of last Saturday,

said to me, is he like, is he the king of Looney Tunes? And I said, you know what, I think he is. I think he is the king of Looney Tunes. I think when people think of those, that's who they think of. And he said, so who's the queen of Looney Tunes? You know, it had never occurred to me before that there isn't, is there a female star in Looney Tunes no I don't think there is I mean I suppose Roadrunner could be well I think it says a lot um that the only one

I know is uh Granny if you're familiar with her she's sort of um she's in Tweety Pie's storylines. Oh, of course, yeah. She has a bun and a sort of Edwardian brooch at her neck, is all I can remember. But you get quite a bit in Bugs Bunny of what I believe they used to call cheesecake, in that you'll get a woman, like, you know, a 50s-style woman in a bikini used to sort of stop him being chased by a brutish workman or something

like that oh that was my doorbell that's my doorbell i'm sorry um i'm i'm anticipating the delivery of a plum tree that's nice frank skinner absolute radio So, I think I interrupted a fabulous flow of outside world correspondence. Is there more? There's more. Accurately, you left us, your cohorts and the readership of the show, wondering if you had or had not been delivered a plum tree. Yes, the doorbell. No. had or had not been delivered a plum tree yes the doorbell um no um i that is what i say if i've got guests and the doorbell goes oh really um yes i think it might be from a joe orton oh i genuinely

thought you were about to get no i think i can. No, I can't remember where it came from, but I've said it for many years, if the doorbell goes and I have guests. Now I feel a great fool because I'm anticipating some meat being delivered whilst I'm recording this show with you guys. I believe that. I imagine you have raw meat fed through your cat flap every day which drops into your gaping mouth. That was a secret.

Is that wrong? I told you not to discuss it in public, don't I? What I see is you doing sit-ups and every time you go back, you're doing them by the door. A piece of raw steak or something comes in which you seize upon and then go up into another gut-crunching sit-up.

How do you know these things? How do you know these things about me? Got the place spy-cammed. I'm glad you followed that up, Al, because that was what I believe is referred to as a Chekhov's gun moment where it was introduced and it had to go off. I'm calling it the Frank's doorbell moment in future. OK?

OK. We've had some, well, there's a variety of methods in which they've contacted us, but we've had some tweets in regarding alternative bookmarks. Do you remember on last week's show, Frank, you were talking about what you used as a bookmark? Yes, I used a banana at one point. Yes. I try to use opposite bookmarks. So, par exemple, if I go and go to an exhibition, let's say, of David Hockney,

and I then read an art book, I might use the ticket stop for that. This is a thing I got into. I thought you were going to say a cigarette. Because I know he's quite a fan of the old fags isn't he likes smoking yeah he really loves it well interestingly we've had a tweet in al didn't we someone who does exactly the same thing rtm says i marked a page in andre agassi's autobiography with a broken string from my racket. Apposite or what? Oh, brilliant. That's good.

It's even better than brilliant. I'd say it's ace. Oh, love that. Oh, I say love. I am. I am. That is the book, isn't it, where he said that when he was a baby, his dad hung a small tennis ball over his over his cot and secured a tiny tennis racket to his hand to get him from. I mean, he was still got a little bit of placenta on him. And he was already hitting tennis balls.

Yes. That was also the book, Frank, in which he said, I think he lost one of the Grand Slams because he was so worried about his hairpiece, bless him, falling off. I own that book. He lost a Grand Slam final as a result of that. It's terribly sad.

It sounds good, I must say. I remember I was on a sort of a pilot for a sports panel show. And they read that extract from Agus's book about the tennis racket and the tennis ball over his cot. And it was a time when Mario Balotelli was having a bad patch and I suggested, I had to quote my own jokes,

that his dad suspended a cow's behind from above his cot and strapped a small banjo into his hand. Very good. It went well, but not well enough to get a series. Good night. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Ellie Dean and Alan Cochran. You cannot text the show today because we're not live, I'm afraid. You know, circumstances. But you can contact us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. I like that because you called me Ellie Dean. Yes. And what I felt younger. Yeah, I think it was anti-aging. I like that because you called me Ellie Dean and what

I felt younger I think it was anti-aging it shaved about 15 years off me it's quite a millennial name and also it's quite a bit of there's an old mill by the stream Ellie Dean I might make that my name

no I loved it what I should have done is that thing, you know, when you say to people, oh, you actually said Ellie Dean, and they say, no, no, I didn't. And you think, why are you arguing with this? Why would I make that up? People get really, no, I didn't say that. What are you talking about?

I like it when they say it on shows like Big Brother and Love Island and you just think I'm afraid there's an easy way of finding out dear so yeah outside world we were discussing bookmarks

and specifically things that weren't bookmarks being used as bookmarks and Judith Clemens has sent us this. I'm using a Mongolian 20 Turing banknote as a bookmark. I might have mispronounced Turing. Blimey, I've got a book at my feet as we speak, which has got a Korean banknote in it it she says it's worth about five pence yes and it's like korean from a trip through mongolia in 2007 used it as a book i guess

if she just said it's left over from if she just said it's left over from a trip my first guess would have been Mongolia. And she says, greetings from a Tasmanian reader. I think that's an excellent missive. She's really nice. Only normally hear from the devils. That's interesting. One, because obviously I've seen a lot of the Tasmanian devil just lately in the Bugs Bunnies.

But also, I'm lucky enough to be invited into the Thorn family pointless. Now, the Thorn family is my brother-in-law's brood. And they have a Zoom version of Pointless once every couple of weeks um hosted by um big daddy thorn mike and we all take part in that and this week one of the questions was about um an island blah blah blah australia and uh you know the dutch um explorer tasman who found Tasmania. I was very, very pleased with myself. Scored, I think, 68. That's a nightmare. We've also

heard from Sam Levin, I think, Levin, who says, my son uses the broken blade of his fencing sabre. That's quite a bookmark. Wow. Yeah. Touche. Yeah. Oh, can you hear my dog

barking? I can't. Doesn't he always do that when anyone mentions fencing sabres? He's been trained. It's very likely that some meat is being pushed through the letterbox. He grew up in a 1920s German army training camp

where fencing scars were the order of the day. And he still reacts angrily to the very mention of it. I remember doing a gig where I spoke to, there's a mother and a teenage boy in the audience. And I started speaking to the teenage boy and i said what's he like blah blah blah you know is he just lay around the house and she said no no he's he's got hobbies he does fencing and i went off the stage um pre-encore and i noticed backstage tucked away in a corner, was a fencing mask.

So I went back on in it and, oh, God, if only life could always be like that. Oh, yeah. It brought the house down. No real jokes required. Yeah. If only I could recreate that kind of forgiveness. Nigel Holmes, by the way, Frank, is real alternative bookmarks. I'm one of those annoying

turn down the corner people. Oh no. No? Nigel. Don't do that. That paper never recovers. That leaves a scar. And when I'm reading I don't want to know where other people have stopped. Don't say Nigel don't do that in front of Alan.

No. Why? Nigel Farrah't do that in front of Alan. No. Why? Nigel Farahosh. We'll leave it there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There has been news, hasn't there, this week, apart from obviously terrible news. Well, I think we need to talk about the Rose Garden Boys. I mean, I assume you boys were both gathered round the TV

at 4pm on Bank Holiday Monday to watch the press conference? I did. I did watch it live. Dominic Cummings. I listened to it on the radio and saw clips of it later. The abdication. I like the radio for news because I can potter about in the kitchen at the same time. Yeah. There was some, in a list of things that seems to have sort of, I've stopped everything for like that on the telly.

And there aren't many. I mean, I'm not counting sport and stuff but like news things um i remember working um at i'm doing a tv thing but we're in an office like a production office with about 20 people and everything stopped for the oj simpson verdict oh everyone gathered around the yeah credible now Incredible now, really. I can't think of another court case where that would have happened. Yeah. Anyway, yes, I... He was late. We say 4pm, but...

4.30, yeah. Was it 4.30 in the end? And people have said that he didn't give the press the apology that they wanted, but can I just make it clear that he did give them an apology because his first words were, hello, sorry I'm late, everyone. How did he say that? So he is a man capable of apologising. Yeah.

Did he say why he was late? He didn't, no. That's what I like, though, is that because of the sort of weirdness and formality of it, in real life life someone would come in and say i'm so sorry i was doing the shopping at tesco and then you know i got caught up and i there's no excuse offered he should have done that he should have given some excuse he should have come in and said look you all know you all suspect i'm an evil genius the truth is I got really lost in a very difficult Sudoku. And now here we are. Well, my theory was that he was giving the tracksuit bottoms

just a little airing in the tumble dryer. Just a 10 minute with a Febreze sheet. Did he have tracksuit bottoms on? I so wanted him to have tracksuit bottoms, but he had the crumpled physics professor shirt. I was disappointed by the white linen shirt because I thought, you know, to have tracksuit bottoms, but he had the crumpled physics professor shirt. I was disappointed by the white linen shirt because I thought, you know, whenever you see him in the paper, Dominic Cummings, he's got a hoodie on and stuff. And I thought it had looked like one of those family conferences with the teenage boy who's done something

a bit bad and everyone's gathered around to talk about it as a family and he'd be sitting there sulkily in a hooded top not trying to join in and i didn't want him to make an effort but i thought the white linen shirt was a bit of a oh well yeah i better make an effort it was because that could have been the half hour him desperately trying to find a shirt. Yeah. Well, I think it felt, it was very headmasters day off, wasn't it? That shirt. The concession to being casual is rolling the sleeves up twice

and maybe not ironing it. But fair enough. You know, he, at least he made the effort. What did you think of the table most importantly? Because that's the thing that I'd like to talk about. Well, I was obviously profoundly envious because we we don't have a table at our house um we we had one and then um Kath decided she didn't want it so she sold it to somebody and then we replaced it with a

a thing that you paste wallpaper on. And then even that's gone. And we were supposed to have one delivered, but lockdown thought we don't want them to just bring the big coronavirus surface into the house. So we haven't had a table for three months. And just any table now I look at longingly. And ironically, the only table we own as a family was in the garden.

And that ringing doorbell was a man coming to take it away. And ironically, the only table we own as a family was in the garden. And that ringing doorbell was a man coming to take it away. I know. It wasn't my idea. We've had to pay him to do it. I mean, I despair. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. why did he take the table frank oh the man who just came to take the table we have a table in the garden which i've always loved which is a big heavy like a stone circle with a mosaic on the surface and kath has always said kath my partner that it's heavy and if it fell off it could really hurt someone now i don't know how it could possibly fall off that it's you know it's legs but anyway she's gone on and on about this so much that I've basically given up and paid someone

to take it away. That is the answer. The table phobia is interesting. I'll have to discuss this. No, I want a table. No, she has a table phobia. Yeah, Cathy's removing all tables from the house. I hope no listeners are playing a drinking game where they have to

scull a shot on the word table this week. Yes. We basically we eat out of those playing a drinking game where they have to scull a shot on the word table this week because I didn't feel like we used it a lot. Well, we basically, we eat out of those shoulder display things that people sell ice cream from at theatres. We have one of those each with our meal and everything in it and we stand and eat from that. She bans it.

Buzz learns his times blank no mention of table mountain buzz eats his meals off a chair next to the sofa i mean lovely i don't i don't understand i think you treat yourself to a table during lockdown yeah but we don't want them to bring coronavirus into the house yeah you bought George Formby's prayer book yeah but it won't be on there great point Al he died in the early 60s but somebody still has to bring him

it might have a bit of rickets a bit of rickets on page 7 true he might have death of a broken heart if it goes back further but you know what I was going to say he didn't die of a broken heart oh I know but back further. But you know what I was going to say? I noticed that the table... He didn't die of a broken heart.

Oh, I know. But that's an old school thing, ailment, I would say. It was. Fatal ailment. He had the table, Frank, which was very face painting at a fate. And yet he also had the chairs. That's what bothered me. Have some consistency.

The chairs were sort of Palace of Versailles level of all-maintenance with a gold edging and a sort of red velvet seating. Did you see that, Al? They never took the time to describe those on the radio version. What you want is you want that bloke I was on about the other week as the royal correspondent who would say in a hushed voice, and the red velvet chairs removed from the gladiatorial chamber at number 10, all that stuff.

Shut up with your gravity about trivial matters, you old fool. That's what I wish would interrupt. He wasn't megamind enough for me. I like the idea of there being a genius, evil or otherwise, at the centre of government. And I wanted him to do the conference whilst beating ten people at chess simultaneously. I wanted a real show of intelligence.

Because he's sort of Lex Luthor, isn't he? I didn't want... When they said he was half an hour late, what I wanted was to be watching a normal TV show and to be like a fuzz of static and free-of-clear looking straight into cap citizens of Earth. I really wanted that. It was, I mean, the Rose Garden was way too sweet and lovely. But it was, it was.

And the Rose Garden, it's very sort of country and Western, wasn't it? I mean, it's a strange name for a press conference, which is that tense. It was a nice day for it, though. And, of course, they have come out with, you know, it's safer outside than inside, a catchphrase I've used for some 30 years. And so I suppose it tied into that.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did enjoy about the Dominic Cummings thing is obviously there's been a tremendous amount of fuss that he supposedly drove for half an hour to nearby beauty spot Barnard Castle to see if his eyesight was all right yes um I mean I wish he'd worn elaborate steampunk goggles for the press conference like a real Mr Magoo

if he'd come in and walked into the table and stuff like that, really hammed it off. Well, I went to wherever. Yeah, and all that stuff. But Boris Johnson, then, I think, obviously to sort of back up the idea that COVID-19 can affect your eyesight, appeared in public in spectacles. Did he?

Yeah, he said, he's right about the COVID-19. And he said, I quote, I'm having to wear spectacles for the first time in years. And I thought, well, what happened? Did his eyes get better? He was short-sighted and then they got better. I mean, can that happen with eyes? It's like, does it ebb and flow short-sighted?

That's a very good question. Did he produce the spectacles from his top pocket? I can't remember, BJ. Did he produce them or did from his top pocket? I can't remember, BJ. Did he produce them or did he wear them as he... No, I thought he actually looked quite good in them. I thought they were... He's the spectacles kind of a guy, as it turns out. No, but Frank, he should have gone for some more Gregory Peck ones.

He went for the sort of IT solutions ones. Well, that's because his eyesight used to be bad and then it went brilliant. So they're probably from the 80s, from when his eyesight was at that bad patch. They're the sort of glasses that cricketers wear when they retire. I just don't like them.

It's a shame. You can see David Gower in them. Yeah. It's a shame they weren't really bright like Elton John and of cocky ones. But yeah, that's what Dominic Cummings could have worn like Dennis Taylor.

Giant ones. If I was them, I would start doing that. If we were the cabinet, we would start doing that. We'd do every appearance. Like I'd have some of those, you know those New Year, Year 2000 glasses. I've had some of those with the O's either side. That's what I'd do. You know those New Year, year 2000 glasses? I've had some of those with the O's either side.

That's what I do. Boris Johnson's funny, isn't he? He must be tempted to wear some of those eyeballs on springs. You see, I don't know if Dominic Cummings is a comedy guy. No. You can't wear those when you're announcing the fatalities. He's written the script. If he'd have been holding that at arm's length

and bringing it in again, trying to read it, because he's a high-sighted guy. But I don't think he's got that in him. He should have done a joke. He could have thrown a small one in there. He would have won us around instantly wouldn't he so um did how did you uh how did you think it went for him i think actually didn't go that well for the media at certain points because at one point somebody said about this trip to castle

bernard and i thought no it's barnard castle i know you're in a london bubble but and then somebody else said somebody said afterwards i mean he he says that he drove to durham can can you drive to durham and back can you drive over 500 miles in one tank of fuel? And I thought, yeah, yeah, you can on lots of cars. Yeah, well, I think he drives a Discovery. I imagine that's a big tank, isn't it, wouldn't you have thought? This is exactly how I hoped the whole press conference would descend just into a really long car chat. Also, there's probably a hotline where he could get a fuel tanker

to pull up alongside him in the middle lane and they could fuel like on the International Space Station. Yeah. They could have fuelled him on the way rather than him stop off and corrupt to leave COVID on the cover of a hardcover book about Princess Diana at a service station. So we were discussing the Rose Garden conference with Dominic Cummings. Did anyone use the headline Cummings and Goings

during any of this? I think everyone did didn't they? Did they? If he'd resigned they definitely would have, wouldn't they? I think so I wonder the one thing I was, I wondered what you thought of this. Do you think that when someone reads the truth

out from a piece of paper it slightly undermines them? Because I just feel had he learnt it off by heart or committed it to memory, had he gone off book, I think it might have done him some favours. Discuss. Well, he started off, didn't he, by saying, I haven't done telly for a very long time. Did he really? Did he say that? He did say that.

Tell me about it, dear. Was that me? was that me who said that when I was watching it? no I think it was him I'm pretty sure he said that and I thought I didn't know he used to do telly did you do telly?

what were you a Harry Hill stunt double? no I didn't know he did telly at all I'd love to find he did something like a kids show or something like a kids' show or something like that.

He was in the broom covers. We'd all just forgotten he was on Celebrity Squares every week. I think there's something which has struck me about it, which there's a theory, and this is where it obviously becomes a bad guy if this kind of happens, is that some people think that because people don't believe his story, basically, and they think that what will happen is that the public, you know, the British public, as they're called,

that they will think, oh, well, if there's one rule for them and one rule for us we won't uh we won't do lockdown anymore and there'll be um a terrible second wave and thousands of extra deaths that's the theory i think and the papers certainly uh the guardian and the mirror who um got the story certainly believe he now i'm not saying it's true i'm not saying his story is true or isn't true or if that thing could happen but if you worked at a newspaper and someone said look if we print this story

it could lead to thousands of deaths of innocent people would you print the story? Yeah Okay Sorry I don't think it was rhetorical I thought you were asking I was asking Yeah. Okay. So I just wanted to sort that out. Sorry, I don't think it was rhetorical. I thought you were asking. I was asking.

What about you, Emily? Yes or no? I would suggest that the need to print the story is because it's kind of a historical crime or oversight or whatever you want to call it, isn't it? So because lockdown is easing anyway the the main issue is that he did this while others made sacrifices well i think you've got to wait probably till the virus you think i've got to wait how dare you yeah before you come out with that um it's just i mean i just imagine someone sitting saying we'll sell loads more papers

yeah but what about all those oh god be fine be fine let's sell the papers i don't know if it's if it's true or not but um you know if i knew a rumor that i was gonna if i had some gossip that i thought would lead to people behaving in a reckless dangerous way i think i'd keep it to myself that's the kind of guy I am did you like it guys when he said the way he read out I hated it when the reporters had to go up for their big moment to ask their question behind the mic

and I found the way he read out the names in a slightly wearisome way I thought it was a bit like when a vice chancellor has to give out a third class degree, he went Jason Groves Oh yeah

Oh that reminds me if I went at Birmingham Polytechnic I got a degree from the head of the gas board Oh, congratulations I didn't get it from, he handed it to me, he didn't actually it from, he handed it to me. He didn't actually officially award it.

That would have been, that would have been ridiculous. Yeah, for my work in the Calla, the Calla section of the industry. You've done a lot for boilers, Frank. Oh, I certainly have over the years. But fair enough, they've done a lot for me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You cannot text the show today because we're not live, I'm afraid.

But you can follow the show at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and on Instagram or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So we urge you to do that. And then we'll read stuff out next week. We promise. We were talking about Dominic Cummings and all that before the break. And it reminded me.

Yeah. the break and it reminded me yeah there was a um i can't i caught a bit of loose women this week and one one of the uh women on there recommended that you um a sort of anti-blister thing that she used for her shoes you know this is a sort of a i mean i don't know if this fits the bill with you emily but there i've been out with women who feel that congratulations leading and blistered feet is just part of life it's a tax you have to pay um and um she was talking about uh this blister thing and one of the other women, her view was that you have to let shoes shape to your feet, I think was her theory.

And so you have to endure, don't put anything in the way, let them get used to your feet and then they'll be comfortable. Now, I don't know if I've ever said this to you before, I have a theory that if you have a pair of shoes that are uncomfortable, they remain uncomfortable forever. And nothing, the whole notion of breaking in, I think, is a complete myth of breaking in shoes. Discuss. Can I say, you're absolutely right. However, I do have some fashion stylist tips i picked up um during my

years in the fashion industry and it did work for me on one occasion when i was going to uh it was the ross's halloween party and i was dressed as dorothy and i had some glittery red shoes which were half a size too small i remember that outfit fabulous uh did you know what i did i took the fashion director's advice no i put a hair dryer on them the heat and then i i prized them i prized the back whilst the heat was being applied to it to soften them and it worked thank you the trouble is didn't that slightly muffle the heel clicking that one has to do in Dorothy shoes? You don't want to go, and so let's go. You don't want to...

And you're off. Yeah. Yes, well, I mean, I think you're... It's a bit like Boris Johnson's eyesight. I think, you know, I don't believe that it goes away and comes back like that. Have you ever had a pair of shoes that you've broken in, Al, ever? Not that I can think of, now that you mention it.

No, it's a thing that people selling you stuff in shoe shops tells you, you know, that I'll wear them for a bit and they'll... You know when you get a biro that becomes intermittent one of my most frustrating things so you have to keep scribbling on another page to get it right in again oh they never recover in my experience once that's happened once like a triage yeah they never they don't come back, those. They don't regain their flow. Is it true that when that happens to you, you just throw it straight in the bin and return to your diamond-encrusted,

peerless 125 pen? I love the peerless, Al. I have, in recent years, started throwing them straight in the bin as soon as they do that, as soon as they lose their flow. Do you know what would completely put me off, someone? Gather round. If I saw a biro in their pen pot um or otherwise displayed where the plastic was

broken you know the jagged edge of the biro oh yeah with the ink still sticking out the tube the tube sticking out slightly at the end. Oh, yeah. Sickening. What about occasionally once, not since I live in the sophisticated metropolis, but certainly when I lived back home in the West Midlands, I would see people who had just the refill they were writing with that. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, it's not easy, that.

You need a vice-like grip. That's why I do a lot of strength training. But it's quite handy if you're writing in conditions where something is moving across the paper on a regular. Say if you're just going under the door of a toilet cubicle. Yeah. The pen will catch on the top and it won't really have any... I don't know if you ever write

when you're going into a toilet cubicle without opening the door, but I do it a lot. I think it's good to have notes in case there's some sort of legal action. It's when I do my Chris Moyles toilet book I do, yes. Yeah, I think that's perfectly reasonable. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There was something I wanted to ask you, actually, Emily, although I'm very happy if Al's got any thoughts. But one thing that we heard a lot this week was the term beauty spot, mainly aimed at Barnard Castle. But there used to be a thing in my childhood where women would um put beauty spots on their face um with some sort of makeup pen and i think the theory was that beautiful well women i think i don't think applied to men beautiful women had a god-given spot around their chin which was a significant sort of like a hallmark instead of with gold with beauty and so women who thought they were not quite there, but, you know, in the one, two, three, they would add one to suggest that God had given the beauty approval.

You'd had the kiss from God. Are you aware of this phenomenon? Well, I associate it very much with, I suppose, the sort of French aristocracy pre-revolution yeah you know sort of Madame Pompadour that sort of era yes and also quite sort of Congreve would you say absolutely Marilyn Monroe had one Marilyn Monroe had one I believe Sophia Loren had one. Madonna had one. I don't know whether hers was genuine. And my godmother, who you're familiar with, Lindsay DePaul. Oh, yes.

She had a good one. She had a good one. Hers was a chicken pox scar. That was a personal microphone. Sorry? A chicken pox scar. She told me it was a chicken pox scar. She painted it with eyeliner.

You see, I never want to go behind the scenes in showbiz like that. That's like Darren Brown telling me how he does it. But is there any... Obviously, it can't be true, but I honestly think it was believed that if you had one of those spots naturally, that that meant that you'd you'd pass the the you'd been stamped by the beauty um examiner it's like cindy

production line yes well the other example of that i've heard is the longer um second toe on women are you familiar with that rumor Rumour? The second toe, yeah. That's a sign of beauty, apparently. So check your women's toes out. Yeah, my view is basically I'll be the judge of that. It's, I think, my own approach. I don't want to be dictated to even by some sort of heavenly messenger. There must be some rancid messenger who's uh there must be some uh rancid

people who have them as well surely yeah i could what the beauty mark yeah anyway if you know anyone uh any rancid people with beauty text in i'd look to people still i've got an idea it might be a burlesque affectation that um those sort of you know those sort of women who have tattoos of um dice and skulls and yeah um yeah i think they might they might do well the very large what traditionally i think in the olden days um as i like to refer to any historical period, they were made of fabric, silk and they were stuck on the face. Shut up. Really? I believe so.

Well what you've done now is you've stopped the whole flow of it. I mean that is such a shocker. If we were walking you and I in that conversation I would have stopped there and looked at you. You would have walked on a little bit, realised I'd stopped and I, in that conversation, I would have stopped there and looked at you. You would have walked on a little bit, realised I'd stop,

and I'd still be staring in amazement. That's where we are. Anyway, I'm flicking the switch that turns me from a transmitter into a receiver and asking you guys what's been coming in from the outside world. Well, last week we were talking and you brought up pottery heads, kind of ceramic faces. Oh, yeah, highly detailed pottery heads,

which were on many, many working class walls in the late 60s and the 1970s. I've got Laurel and Hardy. But often it was a sort of a generic, like a pirate, a nasty looking lion pirate. I don't think I quite know what you mean. I know, is it, go on Al. 369 has texted, Morning Frank, the pottery heads you refer to are made by Bossons,-o-s-s-o-n-s and are very collectible they should be marked with the bossens stamp in the back i'll give you a couple of quid

each says john in london um and i thought maybe it would be good for you to know that they were collectible frank and you should check i like that they're collectible and um collectible he'll give me a couple of quid each for a couple of quid each isn't that from harry potter yeah um i am i couldn't part with them because they were they were bought for me by my dear old mom and not only were they bought but i have got a club card, get this, where she bought them from a shop for 25 pence a week until she'd paid the £1.50, which is so tragic in many ways, but also quite marvellous. So I couldn't, but I'm going to check for the Bostons.

Can I actually say that? I find that not... I know what you mean by that because I presume what you're thinking is I would love to have been able to just buy that for her outright. However, the delayed gratification, I would say, is a very valuable quality she obviously had, which you've inherited and it stood you in good stead.

Thank you very much for your time this week oh i enjoyed that moment on the um on the subject of they're not quite gargoyly i've seen them they're very detailed some of them are like cowboys some some pirates that sort of thing they're they're really interested looking but i think possibly the highlight of lockdown for me was when i was having a conversation with my wife. And I mentioned the French provocative novelist, Michel Houllebecq, spelled Houllebecq. And she said, oh, what does he look like? And I Google image searched him.

And let me say this. He is a man who makes no attempt to please the camera and i showed her some of the photos of michelle ulbeck in public and i laughed my head off because he he he turns up to things with his hair as straggly as it is and like a crazy holding of a cigarette in a weird way and And it was so much fun. So that's worth a compliment. I'll tell you what I like is that you're looking at pictures of Michelle Ulubeck, whereas Frank is watching Bugs Bunny and Loose Women. Thank you.

Yeah. And you're talking to your partner about provocative French novelists, whereas I'm saying, no, not another table. I'm going to have to start playing drafts on the floor. That's where we are now. Not a table in the house. There must be an old poem that starts like that. What I might do is take a photo of my Laurel and Hardy head

so that people get an idea of how these things work. They are real fabulous craftsmanship. And I think of them in the same era. I mean, people always go on about the blue lady and that in working class homes. But for me there used to be a large brandy glass with a mouse kneeling inside it and praying for help and used to hook hook a sort of pottery cat on the lip of it trying to get in and that

that was a big thing and also there was a big um a uh alsatian rampant um which just means standing upright before you uh start phoning in and that was also a very popular working class ornament any more popular working class ornaments please let us know this is frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. What else is pouring in through our ear trumpet? Helen from Berkhamstead has sent us in some interesting information about her experience with a temper mattress do you

remember you were just asking about them recently frank oh this is this the memory foam yes and i asked whether when you'd laid in it one night your shape was forever imprinted in it a bit like harrison ford in that big piece of metal thing in Star Wars. And then what if you'd lost weight and then you met a partner after that and they'd say, what's this in there, this big hole? You'd say, well, I don't know. The worst thing would be if you gained weight, though, wouldn't it? You'd have to lie on top of your own template. Yeah.

I just wouldn't like the telltale cheddar gorge in the mattress Hi Frank, Emily and Alan Also when I was a drinking man and I'll be honest with you I used to occasionally in the very very dark times would occasionally wet the bed I wouldn't want to wake up and see a half filled

my own indentation half that would be desperate. Horrible wishing well. Wish I was anywhere but here. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Oh, sorry, I feel sick. Frank's wishing well in the bed.

I'd call it like me. Sorry, everyone at home. I know a lot of you have got hangovers as it is. I thought you were going to say, I know a lot of you have soiled your bedsheets last night. No, I wouldn't. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Frank asked about tempera mattresses recently.

I would love to enlighten you. We bought a tempera mattress as after years of rugby in his youth, my broad-shouldered husband considered, oh, a bit boastful, it would be the best thing for his back ailments. Listen up, Frank, you've got that. Yeah, see, he's got broad shoulders, but... Yeah, he watches Bugs Bunny and News Women. Still got a bad back.

He loves it. I am slight in comparison and find that getting onto a tempera mattress is like going to bed on a table no spring no bounce the longer you lie on it the more of an imprint you make so that you feel you are lying in a shallow ditch as this happens the table like consistency apologies kath for talking about tables becomes more dough, so that if you try to turn over, you feel your limbs disappearing into quicksand. Contrary to the tone of this email, there is some comfort to be found, however.

The real fly on the ointment for me is how the doughy quicksand warms with your body heat. Can I say that fly on the ointment is an incredibly apposite phrase here because that's basically what you become by the sounds of it. As a result, I always have to sleep with at least one limb free from the duvet, whatever the weather, as otherwise the mattress feels like a furnace. Ode for my old box-sprung mattress.

That's Helen in Birkenstead yeah also i think you've sent that email as stephen king i think yes yeah is it um do you uh is it like you know when people get in quicksand in films and they have to lie absolutely still or they're swallowed up by do you think it works like that because i hadn't thought about rolling over but of course once it's got your form yeah um rolling over i don't know if anthony gormley has got one and woke up one morning and thought if i fill that with metal get another one maybe we should explain Quicksand to anyone born after 1970 I think it's still, I thought

it was a genuine phenomenon, is it not? Is it? Well, if anyone wants to let us know please do Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So once again, I know I go on about this, but I really appreciate that you guys are still contacting us, even though we're not able to do the show live at the moment.

And please keep the stuff coming in because it is a rich vein. Well, we've had, do you remember we were discussing Bob Ross? Oh yeah, Bob Ross, The Joy of Painting. Yes. And both Alan and I have watched Bob Ross subsequently, haven't we, Al? Yeah, my family are big fans of it. Do you think a lot of Bob Ross's mail went accidentally to Bross?

Terrible mix-up. Anyway. We've had For anyone who hasn't heard the show for a bit Bob Ross is No longer with us but he was A long running and I mean Long running American TV series Which is currently now being shown

Both on BBC4 and on Vice TV and it's a man who does the same painting every week We have some explanation for the Bob Ross revival Paige Barry says Bob Ross is a hipster icon in Portland, Oregon. I have a

Bob Ross bobblehead doll that I picked up there It has a button you push for his famous quotes, hashtag Bob Ross great hashtag work and rick has said doesn't explain sorry to interrupt i'd like to know what his famous quotes are so would i i think he quite often says there's no mistakes only happy accidents frank skinner in the bed yeah he says that that thing now we've got a decision to make now and it's where you put the first mountain ridge right but seeing as it's the same place every painting it's it's it's a similar

to this decision to waking up in the morning but anyway i don't think i don't think we've used the moment that i mentioned last week where he just lost his cheery demeanour and said, I'm okay, and then carried on. Ironically, that's exactly what I would want from the push-button Bob Ross quote. Rick Webb has got in touch, though, hasn't he, Al? And, I mean, I'm not saying he's giving us the dressing down, but you be the judge.

You kind of missed the point of Bob Ross. Oh, I hope so. His raison d'etre was to inspire people to have a go. You too can do this. Yes, sometimes it was repetitive, but he taught techniques, inspired me to pick up a paintbrush during lockdown. Discuss. Well, that's brilliant and um he could there's no um question that he could do um one painting really really well and uh continue to do it it's just that if i had a show where I did the same chunk of stand-up every week. Eventually, I hope that people would be getting in touch with radio stations and saying,

I think you're missing the point of Frank Skinner. He's making a point about the three R's, repetition, repetition, repetition, and the endless monotony of modern life. And I would feel that. But who would commission it? That's the question. They would say his raison d'etre

was to inspire people to be a bit of a git. Yeah, but I'm glad people... People obviously enjoy it because they're showing it. And I like... You know, there was a famous episode, a famous series of Big Brother where nothing happened. It was really regarded as one of the failed Big Brothers. And I loved it.

It was like a Warhol film. It just was people sitting in a kitchen having mundane conversations. And there was something exciting about it. Anyway, we'll end on that. I think people sitting having mundane conversations is probably an apposite. I think I've used the word apposite four times today. I'm a bit bob ross in my repetition thank you for listening to us if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now um go out but stay outside and go into other people's gardens as long as there's only one other household and no

more than six people that That's my advice.