The Frank Skinner Show - Pokemon Alarm Clock

Episode Date: July 31, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been back gigging and went to the circus. The team also discuss the Dr Who news, Marble Arch mound and Lincoln Cathedral.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Oh, I've got too much spit. You know when you've got too much spit? I do, you little thing. I'm like Jabba. I feel like Jabba. Oh, yeah. Follow the show

On Twitter and Instagram At Frank on the radio Email the show Via the Absolute Radio Website Welcome to Absolute Radio The home

Of the Olympics Morning Tokyo Yes Everyone Come on Let's hear you singing Around Happy to Be singing Connie I thought we might See people opening Their windows Yes, everyone, come on, let's hear you singing around.

Connie, I thought we might see people opening their windows and singing it out across the street. It's not really happening. I don't think we are the home of the Olympics in any... Are we celebrating the Olympics on Absolute Radio? I never got that. The producer just shrugged. I mean, that's why we have people on the inside here for that kind of information.

Anyway, it's very exciting, the whole thing, but we won't be mentioning it again, probably. No. You think? No, I don't think so. No. I don't think people tune in to hear to it about the Olympics, do they? We've already had outside world information coming in.

429 has texted, and it starts in capitals for some reason. Frank in Lincoln! Saw Frank on tour in Lincoln, and nice to see Gareth too. Did Frank get to look around Lincoln Cathedral? Best wishes to all Miles and Zoe, did you? I did. I did. Oh, did you?

I did do that. You quite often get a backstage pass at the... No, well, I didn't get that. I went there and did my genial smiling thing to the man on the thing, and he said, oh, there's a verger here who'll be very excited to meet you.

I thought, that's got to be a free ticket, just what he's just said. No. No, I still paid. You got to be a free ticket. Just what he's just said. No. No, I still paid. You have to pay for Lincoln Cathedral. All you have to pay for Lincoln, it's nine quid. Nine quid for an adult. I must say, though, it is a cracker.

It's an absolute cracker. It's so much cheaper being an atheist, looking at it just on this criteria. I think atheists go there as well. I actually would like to go there. Yeah, I go to the Science Museum. That's fair. Yeah, we shouldn't be touchy about it, either of us.

I agree. I'll tell you what's great about Lincoln Cathedral, it's remarkably haphazard. Oh, is it? It's got things like, you see, that's a lovely pillar there. And then if you look at the one on the opposite side, it's a completely different pillar. And then the windows, those four windows,

one of them's a bit smaller than the other three. It's a bit like this show. It's beautiful. But if you look closely at it, it's very ramshackle. That's what I would say. But it was, no, I did, I liked it a lot. I liked, perhaps we could use it on our publicity. The Lincoln Cathedral

of commercial radio. Do you think people would get the inference? I went to Lincoln Cathedral and I liked it. It was good, Katy Perry. Isn't Lincoln the place that came up when we ran the popular text in, have you ever been surprised by the red arrows? Was it really?

Well, on that subject, it's one of my favourite textings ever was that. But I noticed that Liam Gallagher tweeted recently, you know, I was in my garden. And he's in his garden and the red arrows. And then there was some swearing in it, obviously. I was doing the football, I believe. But then he said, what's going on? Well, I mean, it's the red arrows.

That's all you need to know. So that was great. And then when I was in, because I've been gigging. I did four gigs on the trip. I did two nights in Birmingham, which gave me a chance to dine out in Birmingham, right next to the Black Sabbath Bridge. Is there a Black Sabbath Bridge? There is a proper Black Sabbath Bridge

with all the members named. How lovely. And it's got a proper street name, Black Sabbath Bridge. No offense, but I would struggle to name more than one. Well, I could do them, but, you know, it's a very, they're very Birmingham general. Is that near, you've got the Walk of Fame, obviously. It's very

near the Walk of Fame. They're basically adjoined. Will I ever get a bridge, Frank Skinner Bridge? I'd love that. I'd be happy with some sort of style or kissing gate. Kissing gate sounds like a big scandal doesn't it that someone was involved in Matt Hancock

kissing gate but it was brilliant I also had a marvellous experience in Timpsons on New Street Birmingham but I just tell you that as a teaser so people don't go away. They'll say, well, I was going to go to work,

but I just want to hear this. Steve, I just want to listen to this Timpsons thing. See what... Power surge from all the kettles going on. Exactly. See what that's about. Timpsons. Oh, come back in.

Yeah, come back in, mate. We'll listen to this together. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio together we went to Lincoln Cathedral on the day the Magma Carter was not on show what I love about 904 is that they've done an old school

emoji of a sad face you know just with the colon and the open brackets and then they've just said 1281. Sad face 1281. I wish there was... They don't suppose there's an emoji of an empty glass display case. That would have been so perfect, wouldn't it?

But they should do that. I thought you were hoping for a Magna Carta emoji for a second there. I was thinking, a bit optimistic. No, but if you had an empty display case emoji, you could use that

for any disappointing thing that didn't quite deliver any experience. So the emoji ink are listening. Are emojis all made by one company? Oh, good question one person I was hunting for a shed the other day

Steve I think Steve Emoji imagine if that was his name I was hunting for a shed the other day oh yeah and I hunted high and low and I could not find one a shed emoji and I hunted high and low and I could not find one. A shed emoji? Yeah.

And in the end I just went for the dilapidated house which doesn't quite give the same it doesn't quite have the same meaning. I've got to be completely honest with you on my phone I used to send

I went through a period of sending emojis i thought i'm going to join the modern world and i something that's happened i can't find them anymore i can find gifs so i send gifs now i just can't find the emojis anyway um that's not my best story maybe but true but truth is... You were going to tell us a Timpsons anecdote. Oh, yeah, my Timpsons. I like the sound of it, because Timpsons, I think... I mean, I don't often promote companies, but I think they're a great company, actually.

Well, stick around. I went... So I was wandering down... You've got to have a Timpsons deal again, Hal. We ate by Black Sabbath Bridge and then we walked down into the centre of Birmingham. Lovely. I'll be honest with you, I was heading on course for Forbidden Planet,

but in my pocket I had a Pokemon alarm clock. And the reason I had that... I mean, so far this story's going to have to work very hard to get me in. Well, I've had... There's been problems with my Pokemon alarm clock. I'll tell you what I did. I did that thing when you leave a battery in it too long and the battery starts to exude.

Matter. Yeah, it's like exude acidic green bubbling mess, that thing. Acid. Yeah. Or as we used to say, acid! And I thought, sometimes you just can't, sometimes it gets into the work. Anyway, I took it into Tim, to Scott in New Street, Timpsons.

Sorry, there's a lot I need to unpack about this. Firstly, you have a traditional alarm clock. Secondly, it's a Pokemon alarm clock. Pokemon alarm. I bought it in Japan. Thirdly, you would bother to take it in to get it repaired. Well, since I bought it in Japan

in I think it was about 2000, my son has got into Pokemon recently, so I thought, oh, I'll get the old alarm clock cleaned up. So I went in. Now, when you go into a Timpsons, there's a heel bar. They've got keys. There's batteries fitted.

I mean, it's got everything. I said to Scott, who does the other departments? He said, no, I do them all. I said, wow, that's quite a... You're a renaissance man. You didn't say that to Scott. I did, I did say that to Scott. You can't go into Timpsons and say that.

And Scott said, well, I... I'm going to do the voice. I'm allowed, I think. I went to the Timpsons University and they teach you all the skills. So he'd been... I think it was a week course, just to bring it down a little

but you get the lot there but I loved he looked at the Pokemon and he said I can do this in a real sort of come on and he did do it

and now it's ticking happily with a little mew as a minute hand a little mew it's nice so the 20 year old let's say. So the 20-year-old, let's say that's right, 20 years old,

this alarm clock, and you were surprised it had ceased to function. Did he charge you, Scott? Well, I don't know if I can answer. You got showbiz rates. I don't know if I can answer. I paid him in kind,

but I don't know. I don't want to get Scott into trouble, so I'm going to say yes, I did pay him. But also he told me that when he'd first started going out with his girlfriend, in order to impress him, she told him that I was her uncle because her name was Skinner. He said, and then I found her about three years later. You're not even called Skinner.

And he says I confronted her. So I did a message for him saying, hello, it's Uncle Frank, how are you doing? And all that stuff. So yeah, it was a lovely experience all round. And I was sad that Scott's graduation picture wasn't on the wall of Timpsons, but maybe that's something he can sort.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know it's the Olympics at the moment, you are aware of that. We mentioned it earlier. I said I wanted to channel the home of the Olympics. It is the home of the Olympics. This show is the home of the Olympics, actually. You can't see it, but through our window is Tokyo at the moment. Oh, yeah.

But you can't see on the radio. Imagine if Absolute Radio paid for us to get to Tokyo. It's slightly cloudy over the mountain today. It is. Did I ever tell you about when I went to the Mount Fuji Hotel? I must have done. Anyway, my son, we've been away this week and my son and his cousin Elliot,

he's five and my son's nine, they did an Olympics opening ceremony for us especially, just the two of them, with music and everything. How was it? It started off with a speech about the Olympics. Let me guess, that was Buzz. I don't think either of them really know what the Olympics is, but they did a speech about it.

It was just like, you know, it's the Olympics and there's going to be... And we added to some events and stuff. And I should say, at the beginning of any performance, because I've been to a lot of Buzz's performances, he turns things on their head a bit, because he says, please, audience members, take your phones out now to take pictures. It has all that.

So he started two really quite good choices for the Olympics, Higher Power by Coldplay and Jump by Van Halen, both of which are relevant, and all the dancing and miming worked. And then they stopped the thing and had a minute silence for the NHS, which they stood very solemnly and I wasn't quite sure what the exact, what the nature of it was. And then we all had to stand for the Israeli National Anthem,

which I had literally no idea why that one had been chosen. It's a great tune, but it just, and that was it then. That was good luck, enjoy the Olympics. And I thought if only the real one had had this surreal edge to it. It's very NHS and Israel-centric. Yeah, but why? I don't know. But that was what happened. Oh.

Oh, I went to the circus as well, to Zippo's. Oh, how was 1974? You know, I'm a big circus enthusiast. And I got to meet this bloke. It's a vegetarian circus, the way no animals and what sort of circus is that no i know well you can't have animals now because in case you're cruel so you might accidentally be cruel yeah oh don't you get the elephants in the tutu oh no no no stays are gone oh no, no, Stacey, can't do that. Oh. No.

Human cannonball? Human cannonball you could do. You can be as cruel as you like to humans. But the animals, a bit more respect if you don't mind. So I got to meet the boss of the circus and he took me to his caravan thing and he had some circus memorabilia and all that did he yeah again another cliffhanger that's gonna keep steve now we're already late we've done the timpsons yes but backstage at the circus

whoa Backstage at the circus. Whoa. Phone Paula. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a sort of semi-disparaging text about my music choices, I think, earlier. Yes, you did. Did you? Yeah. Someone said that when I say this is my favourite track... Well, do you want to hear exactly what they said?

Yeah, go on. Well, you might have to... Here you go. It was from Boy Lyle. Hi, Boy. Credit to Frank on the radio. When Frank says it may be his favourite ever track, you know it will either be an absolute belter or utterly awful.

There is no halfway house. Okay. Interesting they've gone halfway house rather than middle ground. When they look at me, they think halfway house. They think that's where I might dwell. Well, I think it's sort

of, there's a compliment in there if it just needs trimming. There's just an awful lot of foliage to get through. Some foliage. Where were we? Did you leave us on... I just met Martin Burton, a man who was a clown for 30 years

and he now sort of runs the circus. I don't want to take advantage of your contacts, but if he does have a number for the Northampton clown... I don't know if they... I'll tell you why I say that, because Martin... There's a big clown WhatsApp group. I wish there was! No, but there is...

I have a version of that, which is a bit more hard copy, is that Martin, in his trailer, has got this display case of pottery eggs, right? Bear with me. Emily, don't look at me like that. And each one has got a clown's face painted on it. And what you do is when you decide what your makeup is going to be

when you become a clown, you register it by painting it on one of these eggs and then you've got it. It's officially yours. And the good thing about an egg is it's not like it could be destroyed easily. Well, it's a pottery egg. It could be destroyed easily,

but I suppose that is the nature of comedy. It's good that it's on something that looks lovely, but is quite fragile. So, I didn't realise this. So, the clown make-up, there's a sort of intellectual property around the clown face. Yes, so you own your individual... I didn't know that, yeah. Did you know that, Al? I did, yeah.

How come you two know all about clown make-up? Well, we are clowns in our own way. That's nice. you two know all about clown makeup. Well, we are clowns in our own way. I wondered if there was like a comedians, non-clown comedians registry, what joke we'd have on our egg

to register ourselves. Do you know what I mean? It's going to be one that you feel represents your... You've had some, you've both had some, can I say, that have ended up in various sort of, you know, top ten joke round-ups, I can think of a couple. And, of course, Joe Pasquale's act.

Well, I have, I don't know if you do, Al, but I have one on the, there's a thing called the Comedy Carpet in Blackpool. Oh, yeah. And it's a series. They chose people's jokes and put the name next to it. It's a big carpet. It's got all these jokes on and the names of the comic. And they're supposed to choose...

I think it's a lesser comic, just my name is on, no joke. Oh, okay. Well, I wish they'd done that with me, cos the joke they chose, I wasn't happy with. What was it? I don't really want to repeat. Well, go on, you've got to now. I've only ever done two jokes in my career about breaking wind,

and I haven't felt easy about either of them. Can you believe they chose one of those? Oh. I know, I felt let down in a big way. Chosen by the sort of, I suppose, the Blackpool Illuminati. You might think those are the people in charge. Oh, you got that keeper joke. That did well for you.

Well, perhaps when we come back, we can find out what joke Al would want on his egg. All right. That's a link I didn't anticipate. Or not. Or not. Or not. that's a link I didn't anticipate or not or not or not Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

so we were talking about jokes what would you have on your air gal you prepared to say you've you've you've sent me into

a mental quandary with your question because it seems I'm looking back on my entire career of many, many jokes written and told, and they split into two categories, which seem to be short and quite cheesy jokes,

like a bit obvious that I don't really want put on the egg for posterity. I like a cheesy egg. Or really long jokes that I like, but they won't fit on an egg. Well, what about that nice joke you did that had the Edinburgh Comedy Festival? You got in the top ten for that, Al. That's like Al is your son with family and you're saying, Al, why don't you tell them that nice joke you did? Do that nice joke.

Do that nice joke. Yeah, it doesn't really tell them that nice joke you did? Do a nice joke. Do that nice joke. Yeah, it doesn't really express the modern version of me, to be honest, Mum. Oh, OK. Well, I don't know. We don't want to talk about that, Alan. Tell them your nice joke. Tell them the nice jokes you used to do.

Well, 327 has said, at school in the 70s, I remember having to blow eggs. This involved pricking each end with a thick needle then blowing the inside of the egg out, leaving a complete empty shell. We had to paint a clown face on the egg. I never knew why, but

thanks to you, I believe this could have been the original way of storing your clown face. And they add, I still have the egg from the 70s. Where else are you going to store your clown face? For goodness sake. Well, 275 has pointed out, it says Frank is comedian through and through.

Okay. Frank is comedian. I like it. This is from Tarzan, this email. It's funny. Frank is comedian. I like it. This is from Tarzan, this email. It's from him. Frank is comedian through and through. Even his subconscious is making jokes.

Listen to this. They used one of his two jokes about breaking wind and he felt let down in a big way. Oh, well. I didn't notice that. I mean, tremendous. Frank is comedian through and through. It's like windfall fruit with me it just falls off oh then again oh i've done it again i mean see i can't help it frank is comedian to improve if i had to go for the joke this is a joke um which a couple of comics said to me

after i did it i really like so often with comics they don't like the funniest jokes they like the ones that the non-threatening jokes that are sort of okay um if you're a comedian known as a comedian's comedian you're not that funny that's my general is that right yeah it's fair enough um so it was what i was talking about you You know when you see people asking for money on the street, homeless people, and you give them a walk away. Some people stop and talk. They'll squat down and talk for a couple of minutes to the homeless person,

then give them the money or give them the money first and then go. And I said that I thought that was like using the homeless person as a sad story jukebox. And I think I wouldn't mind that on my egg. As a general... I like that. As a general... It's not the most op of my material,

but, you know, it's an egg. There's something sad about an egg anyway, I think. Do you think? There's something sad about storing your clown face on the egg. I like a clown, you know. I know you do. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Have we had Alfresco Mond?

We have. Yes. Al? Well, just a quick one that I'd like to put to bed fairly rapidly. 975 texted us, Morning, guys. Could you settle a debate at work did frank eat raw sausages as a child thanks yes i thought we could deal with that swiftly yes i i ate them if you've ever had um one of those frozen tip top type things where you squeeze

it out of the tube in order to eat it that's how we ate sausages so we held to a calippo yeah exactly held the skin and then you run your um index finger and thumb up so the meat comes out the top because you don't want to be eating the skin raw when you say you i'm in my family disgusting my family all the kids would have a sausage well the whole family would have a raw sausage each and then sit watching the telly. Can I say, I don't know if it's safe, so maybe don't try it at home.

But never did us any harm. We also gave the dog a hell of a lot of chocolate. No. Things have changed. Don't give dogs chocolate. Don't give dogs chocolate. I wonder if that's a rumour that spread during the national obesity crisis by people who just don't want dogs chocolate. I wonder if that's a rumour that spread during the national obesity crisis

by people who just don't want to share. Don't give dogs chocolate. No, the vet told me it was quite bad. Oh, you needed the vet to tell you. Well, if I'm in the vets, I ask a general dog fax. Try and get some value for the £183 that it's often cost. You've got a bargain range. Yeah, I'd say a strange tale was in the news this week about John Bishop.

Did you read that story? John Bishop was in some sort of a road accident caused, not he's fine, but it was caused by a big chicken. That's right. And I think a big... I think the car in front swerved to avoid some kind of big chicken.

That's right. John swerved to avoid the car. There was a knock-on effect. Yeah. I believe. And I think that what everyone picked up on was why did the chicken cross the road? Of course, because it was a comedian.

But, but, this takes me to two places. First of all, I'd say John Bishop's the most famous living Liverpool comedian. Oh. But I would say that Ken Dodd is going to be probably the most famous Liverpool comedian. I mean, Tarby's up there, but it would be Ken Dodd, I think. Now, Ken Dodd used to tell... What about Earl Grady?

I think he's, with all due respect to you, he's gone two-dog. You can never go two-dog, is what I would say. It's worked for you but it has worked very well for me one step towards a dog is one step away from comedy

for P.O.G. but wow you've managed to take comedy with you oh anyway rescued well

so Ken Dodge used to have a joke that he was driving down the road and a bloke went past in a car that was not, the engine wasn't on, it was drawn by an enormous chicken.

I mean, like a six-foot chicken that pulled the car and it overtook him. And then when he got further down the road, the car was stuck in the middle of the road and the chicken had disappeared. So he pulled over and said to the bloke, he said, oh, your car stop once happened. And he said, me big hen's gone.

Now that joke got big laughs at the time because if anyone's car really badly went, first of all, I think it's a bit of a coincidence that there's a big chicken and a big hen joke both by Liverpool car. Yeah, it used to be a thing, my big end has gone. And that was like the end of a car usually if the big end went.

I only know that because I was given that line of dialogue in a radio play. Were you really? What, my big end's gone? I was meant to be the kid saying, I think your big end's gone? Yeah. I was meant to be the kid saying, I think your big N's gone. Okay. I'm not sure.

Now, Al is our motoring correspondent. Al, do cars have big N's anymore? I've never heard a mechanic say it to me. Have you heard of the... I don't know if that means that they've gone. I've heard of the big N's. Have you heard the phrase, my big N's gone?

Yes. Well, if you'd have listened to my radio play, you would have heard it. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't hear that. It would be great. I did a gig

on the first leg of the tour I'm on now where the bloke, when I went off stage, he put all the house lights on thinking that was the end of the show. And so I didn't get to encore.

And I think I said, they're my big ends, God. Oh. But if anyone can tell us what a big end is on a car, I'd be, well, not delighted, but pleased. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 219 has provided us with all cars with an engine has a big end. It's a bearing on the crank internally that it spins on.

From Mick Hurst in Holmfurth. All cars with an end? 048. The big end of the crankshaft bearings and crankshaft and every engine still has them I think we've probably got enough I've got 300 of these

don't do any more thanks everyone for your information for your big end contributions that was tremendous I have something i need to discuss with frank because i did think of you i did think of you over the last few days because your who alerts must have been blowing up well they went they went through the ceiling it's quite a light

it was quite a light announcement i went to bed and I looked at... I just went to my general Who Alerts thing. Of course you did. And it was, yeah, there was like 20 things saying Jodie Whittaker and Chris Chibnall leaving. So, yeah, it's enormous news in the Who community. Wow. The Com-oon-ity. Does The come... Un... Hoonity.

Does that work? Come Hoonity. Absolutely not. But prior to that, Frank, there was some other news, which I... I mean, I love. I always liked Peter Capaldi.

Yes. But after this, I'm in love with the man. Do you know why? Do you know what he said, Frank? Yeah, go on, quote him. Oh, I will. Gather round the fireside everyone. You have to go into the accent.

No, I don't know if I, am I allowed? I don't know where Scottish sits without best play safe. He just said I think Peter has been drinking from my cup. Okay. He said of who, it had a B-movie. Sorry. A B-movie cobbled together quality due to budget constraints.

Yes. The props fall to pieces. He also said, he's working on another show at the moment, isn't he? A big budget. Suicide Squad, yeah. He said, it's nice to be somewhere where they have enough money to make the monsters look scary. Now, I don't know what he means, because if anything scares me, it's a man dressed as a rhino wandering around Gloucestershire saying, prepare, isolator.

Well, I think we need to come back to this because it's a big point that he's made and it has pros and cons, as you can imagine. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Peter Capaldi's statement about Doctor Who being like a B-movie. Now, I know for a fact Peter Capaldi loves Doctor Who, so I'm sure it was said in some kind of context. I'm sure it was, darling.

Also, I don't really like what I would call quality. No, I know. I don't. I watch a lot of... Certainly not troubled this show, has it? But I think that's the point. You know what I mean? There are some very slick radio shows,

but we don't want to listen to them. It's a variation on the Chris Tarrant, I don't want to give you that we don't want to give you that you need a, like for example my partner Kathy is always saying to me, oh my god how can you stand to listen to music on your phone most of the music

I listen to, not through headphones is Apple music just coming out of my phone. And she says, oh, that horrible tinny sound, but I quite like it. Well, I think you like the sense of the angry man in the attic on the guitar. I'm happy to see the sticky tape, do you know what I mean? It's what I mean. My mother once said, her review of Doctor Who,

when we were watching it once, I think because one of our many friends was in it, appearing in it as a villain. It was quiet at the RSC that week. And my mother said, I think they like it to look cheap, don't they, darling? Would you agree with that? Well, I still, I watch more classic Who

than I do new Who. And... Who knew? Yeah. It's the Lincoln Cathedral thing. I like a bit of, you know, a bit of disorder in my things. And yeah, the monsters were a bit,

but we knew what they were supposed to be. When I was on... Did we? When I was on Doctor Who with Peter Capaldi, I remember that one of the technical team gave me this... It might have been a gun. I asked him what it was and he wasn't sure because he was passing on the prop from somewhere else. So I decided to make it a scanner.

So throughout the show show I scanned with this thing I'd been given this like a plastic it looked like a gun I scanned things and no one said why are you scanning with that so it was it was fine it's it's I mean it is it's got a bit of a rough and ready thing to it it is a bit of bit of acting, pretend you can see a mummy. Job done. The weaponry, I suppose, is the thing that sticks out to me as looking quite plastic. Well, now I think it looks amazing

nowadays. Do you? I do. So you think those rhino things with the holding... The Jadoon! Are you talking about the Jadoon? The rhino things... They look great. That hold up the plastic and say, catalogue, human.

You think that is... I think it's, if anything, it's gone too classic. A Mike Lee play in terms of the realism. I'm sensing Emily doesn't agree. No, I'm sensing that as well. I don't think it matters that. I remember, if you watch the first ever Doctor, which is William Hartnell, which is in black and white. Oh, Billy Hartnell.

And it was in the days where they basically did it, they recorded it live, if you know what I mean. It wasn't a retakes era. And I describe this as like watching a waiter with a very overly laden tray of drinks walking through a crowded bar. Because whether Billy was going to get the line right. So he'd say, yes, well, we...

And I'm at home going, come on, Bill. Come on, Bill. And you can see the cast going, come on, Bill. Come on, Bill. And you can see the cast going, come on, Bill. Come on, mate, you can do it. And sometimes they help him out. But it never, ever detracts from the story for me. It's still amazing. I know what you mean.

Look, I can understand. I think the sort of let's do the show in the barn quality, I can see why there's an appeal to that. There's something quite sweet and homely about it I don't think it's like that no I think it's gone too glossy no it's much more, do you? but can I tell you when I was in it

imagine Peter Capaldi I'm thinking this bloke is the doctor this is the programme I've been watching since I was six and this bloke is being the doctor about, I'd say, about 18 inches away from me. I wasn't really bothered about my little plastic scat. Who cares? Who cares? Anyway, there's bigger Doctor Who news, isn't there, this week?

What, is Davros his wife? Is that spin-off happening? Oh, please. Oh, my Davros his wife? Is that spin-off happening? Oh, please. Omar Davros? Here comes Omar Davros. That is my shopping! We'll come more of that. Don't go away. No, really, please.

We're talking about Doctor Who. We briefly mentioned Davros, one of my favourite Who characters. Frank has said, you may remember, Al, we were talking previously on the show about Davros' interior life, his home life, and how we'd like to see Mrs Davros, I was thinking she could have, like, a little pinny around the Dalek bottom.

Yes. Old school. Yeah? Do you be up for that, everyone? I'd sit down and have ornaments on the console. Yeah, and instead of all those wires on the head, a bow, maybe. Well, she could have a version of the stuff on there,

like curlers in, which I think would be OK. OK. Anyway, so... We were about to move on to the more headline-grabbing Doctor Who news, I think, which is that Jodie... Is it Whittaker? Jodie Whittaker is leaving. Is that right? Always called Jodie, is it Whittaker? Jodie Whittaker is leaving. Is that right?

Always called Jodie, I noticed, by fans. Whereas all the other ones have been called by their surname. Unless like, some of them are called, some they use the whole name like Matt Smith or to distinguish the two bakers. But normally you would call the doctor doctor if the doctor was surname was whitaker you'd say yeah the whitaker era but it's like um maybe the equality thing hasn't completely kicked in people think oh it's a little bit disrespectful to use a lady's surname not for a lady yeah so um she's going and so is the showrunner.

So it's a massive, massive change. I mean, she's saying she's going. Then they say, oh, I'm leaving, but then there's a six-part series and then there's another

three-part series. I mean, I don't think they leave till the end of 22. Oh. Well, there's a lot more. Apparently she tendered her resignation ages ago, but they couldn't read her handwriting. Yeah. Because she's a lot more. Apparently she tendered her resignation ages ago, but they couldn't read her handwriting.

Because she's a doctor. Come on! There is no ages ago in Doctor Who. Just remember that. Oh, good point. Good point. So, yeah, so it's... I have a question.

Go on. Now, I don't remember, when I was younger, and I should say my era was sort of... Tail end of Baker. Mm-hm. Some Davison. I'm assuming you're the same, Al. You were more Davison, were you?

Bit of McCoy? Yes. Perhaps. Well, you've got a few between... What happened after that? Well, you've got Colin Baker before McCoy. Oh, yeah. How do you distinguish you people between the Bakers?

Well, people tend to say, if they say Baker, they mean Tom Baker. Oh, that's unfair. On Baker too? Well, you know, Baker, Tom Baker was there first and longer. Okay. Anyway. I love them all, you know. It seemed like when there was a new Doctor i mean it seemed yes you had the regenerate

degeneration regeneration whatever you call it but it seemed that the actor just sort of you know said oh darling i've got a richard iii at the rsc i can't do this anymore it was a bit that now are the fanfare over it that That's a big old farce. I mean... It's a big deal. But this is my question now. The regeneration. Did they intend it to start that way? Why did they do that originally?

Well, no, they weren't going to regenerate, but then it lasted a bit longer than they thought it was going to. And also also they decided they billy hartnell that part of the reason he he's forgetting lives was he was not well he was 53 i think when he got the part but 53 in the 60s was 73 now at least um so they thought how can we keep the show going and get rid of the main guy? And then someone came up with the regeneration.

It's a fabulous idea, because it just meant the show could go forever. But hang on, what happened after the interregnum with between... Is that what clowns say about the space between their make-up changes? When Christopher Eccleston started... Christopher Eggleston?

Did he get the call, the old McCoy or Baker or whatever, did he get the call to say, we need you for the regeneration? Well, you don't really want me to go into this, do you? No. There was a made-for-TV movie with Paul McGann as Doctor Who. OK. And they did the regeneration, the McCoy to McGann in that. I think

we are going to leave because we're going to lose we're going to lose everyone. But yes, I'll tell you, I know you want to know more. I'm happy to tell you off air. Please do. Okay. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had Off air? Please do. OK.

We had some missives in regarding Doctor Who. Right. So I know you were concerned that we were sort of... Well, sometimes if, you know, I can get over Who-y and people just can't stand it. I understand that. Well, readers are a tolerant bunch. They have to be. Okay.

Simon F. has been in touch. Do you remember when I said that I was with Lee Dixon and Tony Adams at dinner and I led him into it. Tony Adams was talking about football and no one else there was interested in football and Lee Dixon said, Addo, put the ball away, mate.

Well, this could be a, Frank, put the sonic screwdriver away, mate. Yes. Well, Simon F has this to say, the Davros chat reminded me of my favourite Tom Baker story from his book. Tom

Baker, who was the, what number, Frank? He was number four. four oh do you know i find that quite attractive what being number four no the fact that you just know all that you know instantly if i say the name can i say his autobiography is brilliant as well okay and frightening frighteningly honest he says he about, you know, people said, oh, when I left, I'm too typecast as Doctor Who, I'd never work again, and I laughed at them. I laughed at them, sorry.

And then I left and I never worked again. It's all stuff like that, you know. And I got to play Holmes and Moriarty in the same stage play, and I was awful at both of them. And he's really vicious on himself. Anyway, Simon F. continues, to get into character... I can't even read this, it makes me laugh so much.

The actor playing Davros. Bear in mind, Davros wears a big facial make-up, extreme thing. He sort of... What he is, readers, if you're not familiar with him, he has a bald head and sort of wires going over his head. There's a slightly challenged molar situation and a black leather...

Well, in the old days, he had that, Frank. He had a black leather sort of polo neck. I don't know if it was leather or if it was a sort of pleather probably no doctor who anyway it looks like if Doc Cotton had smoked twice as many that's what she'd have looked like. To get into character

the actor playing Davros kept a crumpled brown paper bag on his head during rehearsals even during breaks when you'd see cigarette smoke emerging from underneath it that sounds like a fire hazard yeah it says something about the 70s that people with a paper bag on their head would still smoke of course people smoked People smoked in every... What I liked as well about Davros, and you can download my podcast,

Things I Love About Davros. Oh, yeah, I'd like to hear that. Yeah, it's never going to happen. But what I liked was that he was so clearly RADA trained, and even though he was playing an alien, he wanted everyone to know that, because he would say, Rula.

They always rolled their R's, the aliens in Doctor Who. Well I worked with Basil Brush and we he was operated by a man called Ivan who was an older gentleman

and we had to do a rehearsal when they hadn't finished fitting Basil onto his desk hole. So we had to do the whole show talking to an old man's hand thrust through a desktop. And that was a fairly terrifying experience, I must say. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. OK. The one thing that I hope continues, I think,

is that the new era, this era that's about to end in 22, has brought in a lot of youth, a lot of young fans. There's a lot of Doctor Who fans that are my sort of age. And when we get together, we want to talk about what quarry they used in Attack of the Cyberman you know back in the 80s talking about regeneration that's whereas there's a whole new sort of social media doctor who group now that's grown up around this uh around the the new the the whitaker doctor i'll tell you what they do a lot of shipping yeah do they oh god they do a lot of? Shipping. Do they? Yeah, they have shipping. Oh, God, they do a lot of shipping. Do you know about shipping, Al?

International threat. No, they don't do any of that. No. No. And they don't go around Dogger Bank. Right. They do a lot of standing as well. I don't know what that is.

Okay. But they do a lot of... It's stuff like Yaz and 13, will they, won't't they that kind of they romantically um put together characters who aren't romantically together that's that's the i think it's from is there a key that i can use to understand this link well so i think it's short for relationshiping. Yeah. So you take two characters that you like and then you do fan art and fan fiction about them being an item. I see.

But we never really did that in the Hartnell days. Didn't happen. Fan fiction about Barbara and Ian just just colleagues or more no that didn't

happen so even Troughton I don't think would have had any shipping fantasies he didn't need any

as it turned out as it transpired oh yes anyway yes anyway anyway so it's it's very it's a weird it's a weird abbreviation Has it transpired? Oh, yes. Anyway. Yes, anyway. Anyway. So it's a very weird, it's a weird abbreviation to go from relationship to shipping.

It sort of feels like it should be relations. Yeah, but you know. What do I do? No, they like ship because they have ship. I don't question the kids. Ship goals and all that sort of stuff as well. You can't question the kids on it so um yeah it's exciting now to see what what's new and what happens i just feel sorry for normal um jobbing actresses or actors who i do they'll be absolutely delighted to get any work between

now and the middle of 2022 and jodie whitaker is announcing that she's not going to work in like a year and a half and it's it's massive front page news yeah one day she might not be working no it's um it's certainly regular work not as regular as it used to be actually actually. Well, she'll get the regeneration. 42 episodes a year. Yeah. Oh, man. Lovely. Well, good luck to everyone in the new... Well, not good luck to everyone

in the world. Bad luck to some people. No, I was about to say to all the villains I've loved before, to all the villains and everyone in the newer doctor who series you know i might come on board i know i've been saying that for well it's always nice to try a new beginning i am can i thank you by the way for not mentioning the enormous spot on my chin any of my colleagues today i wonder oh i've got quite a bit. Oh, I've seen it now. Yeah, it looks, I thought they might

think it's a bit of sweet corn, but no. It's an actual spot. They shouldn't have drawn attention to it. Well, I just wanted, to me it's the elephant spot in the room. You wanted to lance the boil. Yeah, I did, exactly that. As I think

Cheryl Crow once said to me. Well, did she want to boil the lance? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank? I have a question for you.

Says 666. Oh, OK. That's a worry, isn't it? 666. Well, OK. That's a worry, isn't it? 666. Well, it is for your lot. What has Absolute got against Jethro Tull? If you listen to Heavy Horses, which is one of my favourite albums, and don't like it,

then I give up. I have texted other programmes on your station and have been mocked for liking them. That's Jan Pompey from Portsmouth. Whether she's actually called Pompey I've texted other programmes on your station and have been mocked for liking them. That's Jan Pompey from Portsmouth. Whether she's actually called Pompey or she might be named after her town. I don't know. It seems unlikely. I have played Jethro Tull on this show of my own choices. I thought that you'd picked a few Jethro Tulls over the years.

Yeah, and on... Is it Planet Rock, our rock station, which we listen to at home, they play Life's a Long Song. You know, I'll give you a quick medley, if you like. Life's a long song. Don't want to be a fat man. Skating away, skating away on the thin ice. I hear you calling in my sweet dream. There's a bit of Jethro Tull just to keep you going.

It's not how I thought this would go. No, I love that. Well, I mean, I heard that in my childhood. I felt like I was drowning then. I love Jethro Tull. Maybe I'll start with some Tull next week. What about that? Tull the next time.

Pompey. I remember a friend of ours' daughter started dating one of them and he wasn't very pleased, this man. One of Tull? Yes. I just remember he said, she's dating someone from Jethro Tull.

It didn't go down well. I remember my partner's mother, Sandy, was talking to a former member of Jethro Tull at a festival. I suppose she was about 75 at the time, and he was chatting away. He suddenly turned his back on her, urinated for about a minute and a half, and then turned back and carried on the conversation as if nothing had occurred

and that's actually the Brian was it Brian from Placebo was very polite to your mother-in-law well they went to Nicaragua together on holiday of course they did funny old world isn't it?

Also, Al, have you spotted this final word on the Big End from 2000? I haven't, no. This is one of our correspondence 2000. I first heard the term Big End from the secret diaries of Adrian Molebooks. Oh, they were big big he would go on about

his dad saying the big end had gone on the car no idea to this day what part of the car that is but it's big and at the end that's penny in southport well i can tell penny that i was uh driving on the m40 last night and i started getting uh these messages that come up on your dashboard saying tire pressure low stop carefully and it lets you know which tire is the problem and it all four tires were signified which seemed a massive coincidence What are they chanting? What are they chanting? What are they chanting? And so this whole show now has been in tension that I'm waiting for a man to come and look at my car. It should be observed that you were driving in one of those police chases

and they'd fired a lot of nails out at one point. Did I not mention the police chase element? No. I thought it was crucial to the story. No, thanks for that. Yeah, I was in a police chase and I could hear the voiceover saying, what's this character up to?

Look at this clown. I wish Martin Burton had said that to me when he was showing me the eggs. I'd like to change the subject somewhat to that of a subject very close to my heart. Wasted money. I'd like to quote from a news story recently, it's literally just scaffolding covered in patchy sod and plastic sheeting and that's a Twitter user

Peter Capaldi talking about Doctor Who again the latest episode no, not Peter Capaldi, a Twitter user who visited the Marble Arch Mound. Yes. Which has been making the news for costing something in the region of £2 million. Wow. And then it's just scaffolding covered in sheeting and fake grass.

crumpled in, covered in, in sheeting and grass. I mean, the MAM has been, it's been an absolute disaster. Is that what they're calling it, the MAM? No, it's what I'm calling it. I hadn't heard of it at all until the stories came. I'd heard of Marble Arch, but not the mound. Until this week, people said it was a disaster. I didn't even know it was imminent. Well, you probably, like me, thought that one thing that London had enough of

without creating them was hills. Like, I thought, well, London's got hills. I used to live on several, in fact, not just one. I've lived in various hilly bits of London. But no, apparently, it's one of those things that urgently must be man-made with taxpayers' money! Don't get me started. I mean, Marble Arch out has always been... It's always struck me as a strange concept

because it was originally the entrance to Buckingham Palace. Was it really? Yes! I'm fascinated by Marble Arch because I believe it was Queen Victoria had it moved she didn't like it she didn't like it

no likey no Archie no likey I believe she said she wanted to because she made it she expanded the palace because the family was getting bigger yeah I mean it's quite palace because the family was getting bigger. Yeah. I mean, it's quite big already. She was certainly getting bigger,

but surely she could have gone through marble art. I can't believe you're body shaming Queen Victoria. I know, it seems that's bad. And I mean, you know, how many... What an early widow as well, Mr Alms. How much wardrobe space do you need for those black dresses? But, so she had it moved. She didn't like it.

So now it's in well it's corner of Hyden Park. I've been in Marble Arch. That's quite a rare honour though. There's only royalties allowed. So the top of Marble Arch is a room.

Shut up. Yeah, with... Frank got in on a showbiz royalty clause. No, I didn't. It was... They have a day in London that's called something like Open Day, when things that are normally closed are open. My mind, I think, was on the list.

And they... my mind, I think, was on the list. And so we went in there and inside, in the room, there's an exhibition of pictures of Marble Arch. So we went inside Marble Arch to see pictures of the outside of Marble Arch, where we could have seen the outside of Marble Arch from the outside. But it was good to be, every time I past marble arch i think i've been in there oh i like that it is quite fun but the mound was it was it was a new one on me i must say so the mound yeah the mound is essentially uh it's an artificial hill i'll tell you what it looks like it looks like and i went to New York a couple of years ago

and there's a thing called the High Line in New York, which is sort of similar. The designer seems to have crossed a railway bridge and thought at the top, this is amazing. I'm going to expand on this idea and people will flock from all over to climb this railway bridge. And this seems to be the same thing, a lot of metal steps. And then you have a lookout at the top.

On to the roundabout, traffic roundabout. I love a roundabout. I've slept on many a one. Oh, God. So we're talking about Marble Arch Mound, Al. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Marble Arch Mound, Al. This mound, is it a large, it's a large body of soil as well as like, it's like it's been wedged under a railway bridge.

That's basically how it works, isn't it? Yeah. It says on their website, you will not miss the 25 metre mound when you arrive. Sadly, they could have added, you won't miss it when you leave either. You won't miss it when it's been levelled in about 18 months' time. One woman, I mean, it's really been eviscerated on the socials.

One woman said Marble Arch Mound is the worst thing I've ever done in London. Wow. Stick around. Let's not get onto my list. You might be here till midnight. That could launch a few anecdotes. Not on Breakfast Radio.

It couldn't. I haven't even got through the 90s yet. Yeah, what about the ballet link? Is that the worst thing you've ever done in London? No. I think the Brits were in London. I mean, what i love about it there's a suggestion which i really enjoy that when it was designed when they went and had a look at the site and all that they did it in winter and so you could see loads of stuff because there was no leaves

on the trees but they've owned it in july and people can't see anything because of leaves. I mean, what is the point? 8, 12, 15. What is the point of the ascension? Is it to Frank Skinner, that question to you? Well, it's got to be observed. I mean, most of the places I've been in the world, the big cities cities have got things that you go up to look at the big city. But you usually go up a lot higher than the railway bridge of soil, as I think it's now known. So, no, you could go and look out of a window in a department store.

But everything's obscured. You can't do that in London. There's no tall buildings. There's no, like, towers. No, you don't have to go up in really. No, it's mainly bungalow central London. Yeah. I like the idea of a terrible monument.

So do I. There's some mounds. Now here's the thing, this is a mystery. On the A40, I'm sorry if this is a bit London-centric, but see it as a general thing. On the A40 there are some mounds. They look

a bit like very neat Anglo-Saxon burial mounds. Oh, I know the ones you mean, Frank. And someone said to me that they are, the landfill which is beneath them, you know, because it's never all soil, there's always a landfill, was Old Wembley.

Shut up. Old Wembley Stadium. That's good info, it's true. Yeah, so sort of Spirit of 66 in breeze blocks underneath these mounds. And whenever we go past, my son, Buzz, says, well, there's the Wembley mounds. And I always think, I hope I've told him something that's correct about that

and then he's not living a terrible lie because of me. So if anyone knows about it, I'd love to hear about it. They had to put old Wembley somewhere. Yeah. You can't just, you know, leave the rumble lying about. I'm glad they hadn't done that for the final. Let's put it that way. I might have been walking back with a bit of old Wembley in my temple.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. in my temple. I am, by the way, speaking of the great London landmarks, I received, I remember I once received a certificate through the Post, a signed certificate, congratulating me on my achievement

of climbing to the top of the monument. You know the monument which I think marks the Great Fire of London? It does, I've been up there. The Great Fire of London in which I think, was it eight people died? Was that? Yeah.

It's very slow, the Great Fire of London. People got out their houses and then just watched them slowly burn down. Anyway, the thing is I've never been to the monument. Oh. And I was much confused by this. And then I discovered that Lisa Tarbock had done it as a practical joke. That she'd climbed the monument and put my name and address down. that Lisa Tarbuck had done it as a practical joke. She'd climbed the monument and put my name and address.

That she's my kind of woman. Yeah, I mean, as practical jokes go, it's so good. It's absolutely brilliant. She once sent me one on hotel-headed paper, pretending to be the manager of a hotel, thanking me for entertaining the residents during a fire alarm. Again, completely

fictional. I love this woman. Frank, Josie Thomas has got in touch. Josie Thomas, yeah. Please, in caps, do a Doctor Who podcast, Frank. I have, I imagine no one podcast, Frank. I have... I imagine no-one's done one.

That's probably a good idea. I suggested to the BBC that after every episode, as it goes out, that you then go on BBC iPlayer and I do a sort of a chat with other Doctor Who fans about that particular episode and what we thought about it. It's a great idea and they can keep the terrible production values and they said

what's this old man doing in my office? They said that on the phone and I was led out protesting. So that was the end of that idea. Oh darling. So I hope the arch survives. The arch will survive. I hope the arch survives it's very near the arch will survive

I think the mound will get cleared away it's very near they had no choice isn't it it's just down the road from they had no choice which is the

animals at war monument she's not allowed to do jokes about because let's face it I'd say the UK's two favourite things are animals and the war

um but they had no choice um i think is an unfortunate because it sort of suggests well then can you be classed as brave is that brave is that bravery but we won't go into that. Those Alsatians that did stuff. I don't think it's the worst tourist attraction in London. What, the Mound? What is the worst, do you think? It is bad. I've got to say, I think Mrs. Tussaud is up there. Oh, OK.

Basically because it is about 35 quid a ticket, I believe. I don't know exactly. I don't know exactly. I don't know exactly, but it's in the regional. You can sit in the pilot seat with Chewbacca and look like you're flying the Millennium Falcon. So let's not, you know... Fair enough. Yeah, let's not write it off.

There are great things... That's worth £34 of anything. Exactly, exactly. How matted is the Chewbacca? No, no, no. He's well-groomed, the Chewbacca? No, no, no. He's well-groomed, the Chewbacca. I couldn't complain. OK.

I've always thought that anyone in Madam Two Swords who's wearing a mask, like Spider-Man, I always think if you took the mask off, it would be Dirty Den or something underneath. I don't think they throw them away. Any masked ones? No, not at all. I mean, there could be some severely cancelled people

who were there being lauded as superheroes. It doesn't seem right to me. We're all different. I did once go occasionally at the tower of london very occasionally they open uh saint thomas moore's cell where he spent his last days before being beheaded by henry the eighth and i went there when it was um it's quite a big catholic thing to go to and there was that we were shown around by a beef eater. And he said, and then in the end,

at first he was allowed books and writing paper, but then they took those from him as well. I said, how long did he have to live in here without books or writing paper? He said, I don't know. I thought, okay, a guide? You you're the guy did you forget you were the guide um it's definitely you the guy there's no one else wearing a red tunic in here and then i realized michael jackson was on the tour no he wasn't um so look um we come to the end on that fabulous anecdote of how rubbish beefeaters are. We come to that.

Thank you so much for listening to us. The car man is here. My car is being mended. I'm going to go out and meet him. Very exciting. Look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we will be back again this time next week. Now get out