The Frank Skinner Show - Pool Slides

Episode Date: January 4, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team are back for the first show of 2020! Frank has been on Saturday Kitchen and took a trip to Rome with Buzz. The team also discuss Messi watching his own highlights at the gym.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran of course. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'd love to hear from you because it's been our greatest hits for the last two weeks. So some of you might be thinking, sitting at home thinking,

is this some kind of... Is this some kind of recording? But no, this is us live on air. We've had a fair few emails saying, hey, how can Frank be doing the radio and be on Saturday Kitchen? Oh! And the answer is, he wasn't. He was the best of doing the radio and be on Saturday Kitchen? Oh! And the answer is he wasn't.

He was the best of on the radio, but he was the real Frank, as far as we know, on Saturday Kitchen. No, it was the real me. It's interesting because often we have to have the telly on at all times, mute in the studio. Yes, just in case something... Because of the Queen. So we... So we watched... Well, he's actually said it. the studio because of the Queen so we

so we we watch we watch Saturday oh god forbid it should happen

but nevertheless telly on and we we watch we don't watch them

but Saturday Kitchen is on mute and one can't with irresistible programme. As many programmes are mute I find. For example

8 out of 10 cats do countdown mute. You can see all the all the hate. Which you can't see when the sound's on because you're led into laughter. Yeah, yeah. But underneath the laughter, there's a lovely, there's a sort of bass clef.

If you say that the laughter is the treble clef, I know it's out of ten cats, two cats. The bass clef is malice. You think? And you can't hear that unless you turn the sound down. Anyone who's interested in human psychology, I suggest you try that, body language, et cetera. Now we're back.

Anyway, I don't remember what... I like a mute sometimes on the telly because sometimes I like to be going about my business, but I don't necessarily want to be drawn in. Yes. But I believe it was Paul Gascoigne who needed the TV on at all times he certainly slept with the telly on yeah that was that was Paul he's just passed in he's doing a show for for magic here at the moment I work on that

yeah that'll be good I'd like to that'd be a great show I think wearing a bathrobe yeah exactly wearing chickens

in those those plastic sort of flip flop things that footballers wear when they hang it around they're slides slides footballers wear when they're hanging around. They're slides.

They're slides. Slides that we're calling us. Footballers love a pool slide. I tell you who used to like those. The guy, the face, is it the Facebook guy? Oh, Zuckerberg. Oh, Zuckerberg?

Yeah. Is he a slides guy? He always wore, I didn't know they were called slides. He always wore slides on a hooded top. And apparently when he wasn't in the office

he used to leave the hooded top over the back of his chair and the slides underneath. So there was a sense of his continuing presence. Famous pool slides wearers. 8, 12, 15. That's a good shout, actually. Yeah.

Obviously, swimmers are straight in there. Duncan Goodhue, done. Well, funny you went with a Duncan, because I've got suspected pool slides wearers. Ballantine's got a lover Paul Slide. I think, you know those sort of fat, bald directors who used to marry beautiful starlets? Like the late Michael Winner?

Yeah, or Carlo Ponti, who I think married Sophia Loren. They liked Slides, because I think there are certain blokes who think, I'm so rich, it doesn't matter what I look like. Yeah. I dream of that. Imagine that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Speaking of Saturday Kitchen, by the way, are you aware, I didn't know this because I've only ever seen it, Mute. Oh, yeah. They speak out loud. by the way are you aware I didn't know this because I've only ever seen it mute oh yeah but they speak out loud you get

they do that I guess I guess that but but heaven and hell is a thing on there

and you say the worst your least favourite food oh yeah oh yes and then you say your most favourite so I had to do that my most favourite food. Oh yeah. Oh yes. And then you say your most favourite. So I had to do that. My most favourite food

is French onion soup. Lovely. That's your most favourite? I really like that. I did not know that about you but that is... I did not know that about anyone. Yeah, I love it. And I mentioned Café Rouge which they were scornful of. Were they? I don't know why.

But I also said it's one of the things I like. It's the only soup that comes with a raft. Oh, nice. Anyway, so the idea is generally, I think, the audience make you eat the thing you ate most,

which for me was marzipan. Oh, yeah. So anyway, the audience kindly gave me heaven. Can I just say, great choices on both of those. French onion soup and marzipan, I agree with. Oh, can I just say, I don't. Don't like marzipan. You see, oddly, the French onion soup would have been very much my hell.

Oh, really? Oh, because you don't like onions, do you? Well, chives are the real enemy. Yeah. So did you, they let you have your heaven? Was it nice? Yes, so the main man made me a French onion soup. Horrible.

It was? It was, yes. A difficult situation to be in, but I really didn't like it. What was horrible about it? Well, he put, is it chorizo? Is that what it's called? Yeah. And also pork.

He put those in there and made it very salty and meaty. He's had an absolute nightmare, this guy, hasn't he? It's not even named any ingredients. He mocked the rouge, but actually it wasn't in the same league as the rouge. Really? I don't want meat in it. So he said, what do you think? And you know that thing

when you taste at the end, which I think they should get rid of on cooking shows. How did you... Can't you just say, there it is, looks lovely. Anyway, next. But did you have to...

Can I... Ow. I think we should reenact the moment. So imagine I go... Oh, no, no. My guess is an honesty compulsion kicked in. This is what he did.

So, Frank, have a taste of this. What do you think? I had a lovely time on this. I balanced it. I said, well, I wouldn't have gone pork. That was what I said. You didn't.

Yeah, but I didn't go... Right, which was your instinct. Yeah, I was so excited about a proper chef. And he's obviously a brilliant chef. But I think it's that thing of making it a bit signature by putting meat in it. Yeah, yeah. Frank, I'm just wondering what world we're in. Where you think that they should be grateful that you didn't spit it out.

Well, they said to me, you can be honest about the food. Yeah. Right. I wonder if they meant that. I don't think they did, for a second. What, even bring it up? But I nearly did. Anyway, I had a lovely time on there, but except for that.

I can't wait to dig that off on the old iPlayer. Half I threw the onion soup, I was thinking, I might try the marsupial. Do you know what's going to happen, Frank? That's going to go viral. There's going to be one of those, you'll never believe what this British guy did when he was offered French onion soup.

I think I put on a pretty good act. I think if you watched it, apart from the port line, you'd think, oh, he loves it. Look at him. It's very hard to say oh no it's you know I wouldn't want them saying well I saw you live recently I didn't think you were funny at all on air that would be harsh wouldn't it even if they thought

it yes but you did say shouldn't have gone I wouldn't have gone pork that's like someone came backstage and said to you I wouldn't have ended with that joke though yeah I'd still be... I mean, they'd be dead to me, that person. Yeah. Yeah.

But, I mean, what's Pork even doing in a French onion soup? Yeah. Do you know what? He was showing off. Yeah. Well, you know what happens when you show off? Think he was tired? Showing off because he was tired.

LAUGHTER Think he was tired? Showing off because he was tired. We were asking the readers earlier which celebrity can you most imagine in the pool slide. Yeah, now can I say again, these are like those plastic flip-flop things, often manufactured by major sports and designers now are they really?

Gucci, Givenchy they all do them but they effectively have just the one band of plastic going across 660 I can picture Colonel Gaddafi wearing a pair of leather

camel skin slides no longer with us when yes we should say when interviewed by John Snow or the like

that's Nasher so did he actually wear those or is that an imaginary thing I think he's that sounds real he would be that kind of guy

without any real evidence that sounds real to me yeah maybe yes I can picture that as well me too I can that would have been that you would be that kind of guy without any real evidence. That sounds real to me. Yeah, maybe. Yes, I can picture that as well. Me too. That would have been very much Gaddafi's thing. Yeah, gone but not forgotten. I imagine Eston Blumenthal, if he had to come out of his house to speak to the press,

I can imagine him coming out in shorts and a t-shirt and those things. Pool slides. Any comics that we can imagine? Okay, I'll let you marinate that. A lot of comics are more Birkenstock kind of characters

aren't they? What about Pasquale? Surely he's got a pool slide. Pasquale's quite well read and stuff though, you know. No, I don't think so. You don't think the pool slide course

would be well read? No. No, I don't. Rude to Colonel Gaddafi. I'm afraid I don't. You dated one of my father's ex-girlfriends. Did he?

Yes. I see Pasquale in an espadrille. Oh, nice. He doesn't have to always be three syllables. No. No, his whole life is three syllables. No, I think Joke Thief's only two.

He's very well read of other people in the theatre. Who learns it off by heart. Oh, he'd be long at. Oh, we've been on air a half an hour. Oh, goodness me. So look, we were speaking of Saturday Kitchen and I had to... Is it...

You know when comedians say this, is it just me? Oh, right. But I was given a cold drink in a mug and that always feels so wrong. That is weird. If I'm going to have a drink of water at the tap at home there could be four mugs on the draining board and I'll still go searching around for a glass. Now why is

that? It doesn't make any sense really but water in a mug or a cold drink in a mug it just I know it's not, but it doesn't feel right. It's a bit like when you see a... You know when you see a black cab on the motorway? Yes. You think, aye-aye? Yeah. Aye-aye, someone's splashed out.

Yeah. Also... I think someone's murdered someone. Oh, do you? Yeah. I really do. I think only criminals would be that rash with the money. It is expensive and also

we're not playing to their strengths there. Shout out to all the taxi drivers that I know listen but they're not familiar with the three lane motorway system. They stay in the middle. They don't even know what they're doing there because it's so long since they've been there. They're happier on like you know left

turn, right turn, bit of ducking and diving, aren't they? The U-turn. I mean, they're a master of the U-turn. Completely hopeless on the motorway, the U-turn. Can't be used. Sorry, so you were saying the mug with the cold beverage.

Occasionally, if I'm taking a tablet, I would use a mug and just put, like, an inch of water in there. I'm not one of the Elvis. I would say, Frank, it feels to me, whenever I have a mug with cold water or any sort of... I think it feels like I'm drinking the artist's paint pot. Oh, yeah.

You know, where you put the brushes. I would rather drink from the tap using my cupped hands than using a mug. I don't know what it is. It's a mowgli. There's something wrong about it. I used to drink from my cupped hands quite a lot in my youth. I've sort of stopped now.

Is that your version of the Charlton Heston? I look, you know, recycling. There's no washing to be done. Can I just say... Well, obviously you wash your hands occasionally. I have a similar thing, I believe you know, with regard to the coloured glass. Oh, you don't like that?

I cannot drink anything out of a coloured glass. Oh, OK. You see, I'm happy with that, but it's something about the handle and a cold glass. Oh, OK. You see, I'm happy. I'm happy with that, but it's the handle, something about the handle and a cold fluid. Anyway, we're all different. Let's establish that.

What a lovely start to the new year that was with that sentiment. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to Rome over the Christmas break. Oh, did you? How was it? It was lovely, actually.

Where did you go? Well, my son... But where did you go? Oh, I see. You went to Rome. I went to Rome. Where did you roam? I roamed in the capital of Italy.

Oh, OK, great. I'm just glad we've done that. There must have been a phone joke. What's that Rome thing that you get? Oh, roaming. Data roaming, yes. Anyway, my son, who is seven, is doing ancient history, Roman ancient Rome. So I thought we'd go and look at some of the stuff. Excellent.

So we went to Italy's oldest McDonald's. Oh, yeah? Yeah, first one ever. When would you guess? Oh, lovely question. Okay, I'm going to guess Italy's oldest. Yeah, so the first ever McDonald's in Italy. to guess italy's oldest yeah so the first ever mcdonald's in italy well given that i believe the first one in the uk was in golders green okay around the late 70s early 80s okay um i don't know

whether italy would have been behind that i'm gonna get i'm gonna throw my hat in the ring al go for it 1989 okay i was my first instinct was 82 okay well you're right in the ring, Al. Go for it. 1989. Oof. My first instinct was 82. Okay. Well, you're right in the middle. 86 it was, in fact. There's a plaque. There's a lovely plaque when you go in. Is there? There is. Italy's first McDonald's. Yes, a beautiful...

86. I'll tell you what it's got. Is this a phenomenon that's common in England? There's a McCafe. Oh, right, yeah. What's that? I've never heard of that before. I think it's a coffee bit of... You might be able to get some of your French onion soup,

how you like it there. It's a lovely sort of coffee bar, but part of the McDonald's. It's like the front piece. Lovely coffee bar. Do you remember the man from Uncle? I think it used to be Del Florian, the tailor. He used to go into the tailor's shop and then straight through

and then into the offices of the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement. It was just a front, just a front. That's what the McCafe is like. It looks like a lovely Italian cafe. And then next thing you know, you're having filet-o-fish. For my wife. Are they doing great business in the in the mcdonald's cafe coffee bit in italy because i would have just assumed that they'd all be drinking espressos i know it's a it's a they seem to be people i

mean obviously i hurried through to the uh to the uh the back bit yeah you know the main bit what like the poker den it's like when you're you know you're going for, you know, the main. The back bit, what, like the poker den? It's like when you're going for gold, you go after the main seam. Right. That's where I went for, and it was very fine it was too. Anyway, before I went to Rome, I thought, well, if I'm going to be in Rome...

We'll talk about the McDonald's. Yeah, well, I thought I might try and get to see the Pope. Oh, OK. I thought you meant do as the Romans's. Yeah, well, I thought I might try and get to see the Pope. Oh, okay. I thought you meant do as the Romans do. Well, I suppose some of them do that. Not the ancient ones, obviously. No. And I phoned although some of them, if they'd hung around long enough, I

phoned my management agency and said, could you get me a couple of tickets for a general audience with the pope and they said leave it with us and they got they got nowhere really rubbish so i thought you know i wish you'd rung me you know i love a challenge yeah well i thought you know what i'm twanging the wrong wire here i so then then i asked my uh my PP, my parish priest. Oh, excellent.

I said, you know, you couldn't get me a couple of tickets, could you, to go into the Rome? Because every Wednesday morning the Pope does like a big gig. Yeah. Why didn't you ask the ABFC? Well, I could have done that, but... Different what? Isn't it different? Well well they still know each other Archbishop of Canterbury

but they know each other you know they all know each other it's like football managers isn't it like asking a Celtic fan for Rangers tickets surely you'd be better off

just going to a Rangers fan we went into a pub the other day in what are you in the pub near Bristol and said do you know anywhere where they do uh food and stuff and they were doing food in this pub it was a bit awkward right so it would

have been like that yeah asking the archbishop of canterbury for it he's a kind man so anyway i spoke to my parish priest and he said uh leave it with me leave Did he? Leave it with me. Yeah. He's got connections. Yeah. He said, I've got a couple of friends at the Venerable English College in Rome. I'll see what I can do. Excellent. So, well, I'll tell you what happened after this.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, I went along to the English college in Rome with Boz to pick up our tickets for the audience with the Pope and got a bit of a tour. Of the college? Yeah. It's an interesting place.

It's like a seminary, you know, it's where priests train there. Yeah. And there's a gallery in the upper, sort of like a minstrel's gallery with paintings on the wall. And he said, he said to Bob,

he said, are you all right with the gory paintings? And they're paintings of the English martyrs literally being like disembowelled and stuff. I mean, absolutely aide de mémoire. What we had to put up with, aide de mémoire. It was really, whoa! Anyway, we got our tickets,

and the next day set off to the Vatican. And you led into this, in cold cold weather it all happens in a big room like a big gig so I guess it holds probably a thousand no maybe less than that say 600 people and I noticed when we was going through the metal detector airport security thing to get in that everyone seemed to have a green ticket and we had white tickets and I thought I mean I've long experience of being in the VIP

area I thought hmm so I went up to one of these guys and showed him my ticket and he went ah and took me me and Buzz ended up in the front row which was exciting. I like that that's signified by the white ticket. Because that's the closer you get to the Pope's sartorial colour of choice.

I mean, if you get the red ticket for the old Pope's shoes, that's it. Can I point out that I was, as a sidebar to this conversation, I was named as one of the Catholics of today in the Catholic Herald. Pull-out supplement. When was this? Okay. When?

Very recently, end of the year. Oh, God, I was pleased. Do you feel like it's too short a time frame to be called Catholics of today? Like it immediately falls the day after. I think I hope it was today in the Broadies. I don't think they bring one out daily. I love that he's happy about that.

This is a Royal Variety performance. I wasn't trying to belittle it. I was just... I was out. So the front row, you got the white ticket. Oh, sorry, it didn't include Adrian Childs, which, I mean, was an extra bonus. So I went forward with a white ticket,

and we were there in the front row, and over comes... The Pope goes from person to person at the front and comes over to us. No. Shakes hands with Boz, and then starts chatting away to him in Italian, Boz looking completely bemused.

I don't know if Boz looks Italian, he's ginger. Right. Is this your, can I ask, is this your first meeting with this Pope? It's my first actual, I mean, you know, I shook his hand and we smiled at each other. It's the first time I've ever done that with a Pope. Excellent.

I know it may sound strange to you guys, but you should have seen the entrance. When he, they had an umpire band there that had come off, I know it may sound strange to you guys, but you should have seen the entrance. They had an umpire band there that had come off. And he'd come in at the back and they were all playing and he'd come down the aisle shaking hands like a game show host. Brilliant. Down the centre and this band... And he's there kissing babies.

And there's a thing that they do. You know the little white hat he wears? And this band, da-da-da-da-da-da, and he's there kissing babies. And there's a thing that they do. You know the little white hat he wears? People take their own little white hat and give it to the Pope. And he takes his off. He puts theirs on for a second. Oh, really? And then he puts his back on and gives them. You see, he seems quite amenable then.

But also, what was this about the lady? Oh, when he slapped her hand. Yeah. She did yank on him, though. Did you see that? She nearly pulled him over. Yeah, I didn't like her. Okay.

I've had that a few times. This might be breaking news, but I side with the Pope on that one. This is a special moment for us all. No, you can't pull out people in their 80s. No. Well, I was thinking when this happened to me, I thought, if I talk about this on the radio,

how do I explain to Al how excited I was? And it's a bit like if an atheist met former GMTV presenter Fiona Phillips, who is a self-confessed atheist. Is she? Yeah, yeah. If you imagine that. I can imagine. Imagine the post-Phillips. Is she? Yeah, yeah. Didn't know that. If you imagine that. I can imagine. Imagine the post-Phillips euphoria.

Yeah. Dizzy. That's what... It was brilliant. I'll tell you what was great, though, is we did the handshake, and it's all lovely. He's got a brilliant smile.

You feel more... You know, he blessed a couple of medals for us. And then you turn around, your chair's gone. Is that right? Yeah, right. That's you, chair's gone. Is that right? Yeah. That's you, Don. You're out. I was out. Brilliant. But it was pretty brilliant,

I must say. Is that what happens here with the chair? When it's time for you to move on? You turn around, studio, your chair's gone. At Absolute. But what about people like Bush who stands up for his show? Oh, yeah. And he's still here.

What about if I came back from the bathroom, my chair had gone? You'd know. I mean, how would you tell Bush he'd been sacked? What I would have is a tub of hot wax in the corner as a metaphor. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good diction there on the 81215. Yeah, I think it's important to get that a class You used it all up didn't you? Oh no I'd like to share with you an email from Jonathan

if that's alright? Yeah You ready for it? It begins thus I was once stopped at US Customs and Immigration Okay I was led aside I think thiss and Immigration. OK. I was led aside...

I think this might be... Remember I talked about that I'd bought... I'd bought Buzz a Star Wars magazine... Oh, yes. We should put the context, I apologise. There was a plastic gun free with it... That's right. ..which they picked up on the X-ray, yeah. I think one of your novelty text-ins before Christmas was,

have you ever tried to get through customs with a plastic weapon or similar? Oh, OK. I think it was something like that. How did that go as a text-in? Some of them, I mean, indeed do fall on stony ground. Well, we're doing it now. Well, OK. Let's see what happens. Might be a sleeping giant.

Yes. I was once stopped at US Customs and Immigration. I was led aside as numerous armed officers appeared and surrounded me. Oh, dear. A rather serious female officer then confronted me with the statement, we believe you are carrying contraband in your hand luggage. She sounds amazing. I assured her that I was not

when I was shown the X-ray image and that it was a family heirloom, which did, I had to agree, resemble the shape of a Millsbomb grenade, but was in fact a Millsbomb grenade. What is it? Should I know what that is? I'm guessing it's a hand grenade.

I assume it's some sort of well-known hand grenade. They call that contraband. But was, in fact, a hand counter used in needlework and more usefully in circuit training. Oh, my mum used to have... When she knitted, my mum, she used to have a little thing that went on the end of the needle and with each row row you'd turn the

number around once you knew how many rows you we should describe it it looks somewhat like fellow dog owners hello well no it looks like a dog clicker we call it so but it has what does a dog clicker count you use it to to train dogs it's more sort of a noise based thing but this one has rotating numbers like the fruit machine sort of thing, doesn't it? I have to say, perhaps it's a searing insight on my life, but I didn't recognise this gadget from needlework or circuit training. I think it looks like those gadgets that bouncers have

as people are going into nightclubs. Yes. Maybe I'm the party animal. If your name's not down, you're not coming in, not tonight, not, not tonight. What I liked is the producer nodded at Alan with recognition as if to say, this is more my area. Well, that's because young people,

even if they knew the knitting thing, wouldn't own up to it. Whereas when he said nightclub, it was, oh, God, now I can be cool at last. So, yes, he finishes by saying, I was allowed to retain my treasured possession and enter the country but I couldn't get any of the immigration staff to see the funny side

No, they're not a laugh I mean, often no They're not people who are appointed for their humour, are they? No They're appointed for their seriousness, in fact, I would say Will you say that I had one in America who repeatedly said to me, ma'am, do you drink alcohol?

And it was a bit scary. At the time I did... Why was he saying that? Well, I assumed he was suggesting I was drunk, which I wasn't. He kept saying, ma'am, do you drink alcohol? Do you drink alcohol? And he asked me repeatedly, at the time I did, I no longer do, but at the time I did, no longer do but at the time i

did and i i chose to lie did you yes i said no oh say that and and then he said oh that's a shame he's because i have some bars to recommend and i think yeah and i think he might have been having a flirt oh yeah that was my guess that he might have been going to say I would like a wine with you but just he's a bit he's a bit robotic it's just an old do you drink alcohol

yeah that's a good I don't like people flirting though when the rubber glove box is within reach it's not what I've heard

yeah well I hear your community are very fond of that I prefer the falconry gauntlet. We were discussing those clicky counter things that people use in needlework.

I can't remember them being used in circuit training. I don't know, not that I've done that much of it, but I don't know why it would be. But anyway, Matt from Leicester, train i don't know not that i've done that much of it but i don't know why it would be but anyway uh the um uh matt from leicester has said as an ex-doorman they are called tally counters yes useful good intel thank you matt we've had a missive in about someone having a retail experience which i'd like to share with you. I'd like to first, though, get your opinion on something,

which is I was buying a new computer the other day. Oh, it's a big moment. Laptop or...? It's a laptop to keep on the go with me when I... for work I need to do, because the last one was a bit Benedict Cumberbysome. I found it to drag it around. So have you gone lightweight?

I've gone a bit lightweight. I don't need so much. My processor doesn't need to be that big, for heaven's sake, when I'm on the go. I thought that. I'm thinking of Emily now, professional writer, sort of catching a moment here,

waiting for a train. Another chapter. Yeah. Well... Call a stenographer. Hmm, fabulous. Oh, well, your life has changed. I was in the store, Frank,

and this chap was absolutely charming. He was helpful. He steered me away from the most expensive and encouraged me to get the slightly less expensive because he said, you don't need all that. You don't need that expensive one. It's too much. He was building you up for a chat-up line.

Yeah, yeah. Now, would you like to go out with me? You don't need. Did he say to you, do you drink alcohol? Just find a computer. But he was absolutely great. I thought he was brilliant. Was this at the Apple store?

It was within, I'm going to say it was within John Lewis. Oh, okay. And he went away to get, he said, why don't you go and get yourself a coffee and then come back, because you don't really wait around for me and I'll get everything together for you. Wow, he was wow I was bowled over by this man well he's never

knowingly underbowled jingle jingle for that joke jingle for that joke please worst possible

start to the new year the producer who's got three jobs to do didn't turn up the jingles. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, how depressing. His name was... Depressing. Come on.

You've just met the Pope. Put it in perspective. I know. Ebby, his name was... It's nice to meet someone who cares occasionally. Ebby was charming. Ebby? Yes. Where did that name come from? Had you named him before? No. No. Evie was charming Evie? Yes

Where did that name come from? Had you named him before? No No Oh Evie His name was Evie And I don't know

I said something I said oh it's like me I'm Emily Well Emmy That's a strange thing to say Anyway I wanted to bond with him To show my gratitude

So I went to get my coffee While Evie got everything together And do you know what? I thought He's been so lovely I want to get my coffee while Ebby got everything together and do you know what? I thought, he's been so lovely, I'm going to get him a gift. You never. Ooh.

So I got him a Starbucks gold coin. Did you? The big coin. That would have been my guess. The big coin, yes. But it would have been a jokey guess. Brilliant. Well, he looked quite amused

when I handed it over. He probably thought it was a travel mouse mat. Well, there was an angry old man who was standing there and he said... Nothing wrong with that. No, but he said, when Ebby was helping me, he said, oh, seems like he knows

a thing or two about these. In a sort of angry way, but I think he wanted help, but was struggling to express his vulnerability. So I said, oh, you should go to Ebby, he's absolutely brilliant. He said, well, I'm an absolute nightmare. Everything's broken down. Was he from the North?

Yeah, of course. Angry old men are always caricatured as the Northern. He was, I'm afraid, Al. He then said, I'm more of a Hewlett-Packard man myself. Did he? Something you're down here. I've won all my life. I said, well, you know what Ebby life he said I said well

you know what Ebby might recommend I said I find oh yeah be this and that I was getting mentioned I just well and I'd given him

the gold coin he was so happy by that stage he said I can't believe you've given me the coin he's got a face full of a gold coin now he's like

yeah exactly Ebby so then the man said he said well well I probably don't need the same machine as you. I said, oh, well, I don't know. I normally use it for emails.

He goes, I don't want emails. I've been retired, love, nine years. I don't need emails. Oh. He was very aggressive with me. And I said, get Ebby to help you. He'll help you. He said, the thing is, your uses are probably different to mine.

Your uses are different. I don't really want to hear from people. Yeah. I'm warming to this guy. Yeah, I see parallels. Yeah. I said to Ebby as I left, I said, go and help that man. I said, I think he might be a bit tricky.

Already I felt like I was sort of working there. Yeah. Tricky, it's like a code that staff use around certain customers. It didn't take you long to move to Chardon, Freud, for heaven. Lead him into

some difficult situation. But listen, the reason I bring this up is to say, what do you think with the gold coin and any retail assistants listening,

would they like to be bought a gold coin? Would they feel that was a strange thing to do and feel pressure to eat it when it might not be free with you?

This is a great texting. If you work in retail, how would you feel about gold coin gifts? Yeah. What do you think, Frank? Well, there's a lady who works on the checkout desk at our local Marks and Spencer's food place. And Kath, my partner, and her sister Rachel bought her a gift.

Did they? Because they think that she's so friendly and helpful and positive all the time. And they took her in, I think, chocolates or something. That's nice. Lovely. Gave it to her and she burst into tears. So, you know, be careful what you

wish for. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I was talking about Ebby and the Golden Coin. Oh, yes. We were at the Ebby Centre. Very good. Very good.

And we've actually had a missive in from Edward. Do you think Ebby and the Golden Coin could be a children's book? Oh, yeah. It sounds like one, doesn't it? Sort of Jamie and the Magic Torch. Yeah, that kind of thing. James and the Giant Peach. This is from...

We've already had a lot of Ebbybby correspondence in oh really yes for example we have one saying morning team jack the gardener from bromley here i'm tempted to give small chocolate coins as tips from now on but they need to be palmed secretly, like you see in the films when rich men tip hotel bellboys. I worked with a bloke. I did a little bit of cash in hand work. Obviously, I've declared it all retrospectively, of course. And this bloke used to come over at the end of the thing and he'd say, come on, put that in your pocket.

And he'd make the most, like we were doing a drug deal, make such a fuss out of giving me like 20 quid. Here, put that in your pocket. And he'd make the most, like we were doing a drug deal, make such a fuss out of giving me, like, 20 quid. Here, here, put that in your pocket. And he used to have it, like, in the back of his hand, like when you smoke at school. Oh, yes. Don't smoke, kids. No.

No. Yes, so this is from Edward regarding his retail experience. Dear Frank and the gang, I just purchased some items at a well-known chemist chain and the price was £3.18. Normally, I'd pay with a card, but happening to have brass in pocket, Brass? Love it.

Sorry, continue. Sorry, brass in pocket. I handed over £3.20 in coins, not having the exact amount on me. And this was, if you may recall, for £3.18 total. Yeah. The lady behind the counter handed me my goods and receipt, but no 2p change. It didn't even cross her mind that I might want it. Like a true Brit, I said nothing, but it got me thinking,

is our coin currency now so devalued that rounding up and not giving small change is normal these days? Like the days of the lira and the drachma. More importantly, though, how would Alan have reacted in this situation? Any tips, pun not intended but appreciated, gratefully received for next time, Edward. Alan, over to you. Well, to be absolutely honest,

I think I'm having a heart attack just hearing about it. I cannot believe that he thinks it's a British thing to just walk away. I would still be standing at the counter shouting, where's my two pence? Surely. That would be a dignified moment in your life. One among many.

I have had the flip side of this, though. You've gained two pence. When they've, it's been, I've owed them some and they've sort of rounded it up a bit. Or down. Or down. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, down.

I see yeah but if someone just did that to me I wouldn't care about the 2p I'd just compare about the lack

of self respect well lack of respect from them you see I think you're right but I'd be far it's bullying it's actually bullying

it is you're right it's thinking this person will be too polite to say anything it is bullying it is and also shout out for the reference to Lyra and Drachma.

I think that's... I miss the Drachma. Again, gone but not forgotten. I definitely wouldn't say anything. Because self-respect. No, I would say... I'm not having someone just thinking, oh, he won't say anything. I can't be bothered to find 2P. No, I would say. I'm not having someone just thinking, oh, he won't say anything.

I can't be bothered to find 2p. No, no. Sorry. Maybe he was buying something so embarrassing in the popular chemist that the person just wanted to get him out of there. Well, this is true, Edward. What was Edward buying? 8.15?

I don't think we can ask you. out of there. That could be it. Well, this is true, Edward. What was Edward buying? Yeah. April 15th. Well, I don't think we can ask you. I once got in, this is when I first realised the power of Twitter. I got in, I got home one night and my partner said to me,

what were you doing in Superdrug? Oof. And if you're spotted in a shop like that, you don't want it to be Superdrug because there's too many

potential controversy. I had to show her an itemised bill. Oh. I mean, it's like East Germany. We've had some correspondence in, haven't we, Al, about the 2P dilemma. It's good. Has anyone said 2P or not 2P?

Nobody so far. I feel this is very much Al's area, the fiscal. Well, 181 has texted, mine was worse. I was asked if I wanted the 2P. I was shocked. I ended up saying, no, you're okay. Dave from Coventry. How far

would you have to get away from the counter before you thought, why did I do that? 848 has got the answer right. I'd have demanded said 2p, then deposited it in charity box. Self-respect intact. Although they've slightly spoiled it by doing intact as two words. They don't tend to have the charity boxes so much. Do you remember you always had a sort of,

outside a shop and you would get a sort of charity box. You don't get that anymore. I thought there'd be a dog with a slot in its head for the RSPCA. Yeah, yeah. A boy with a brace on his leg. What I'd do is I'd demand the 2p and then I'd go into a sort of American baseball pitcher's move and just really throw it as hard as I could at the shop assistant.

Good answer. In Niall Quinn's autobiography, I don't know if you've ever read that. I haven't read that. Niall Quinn. Quininho, as I believe people used to refer to him. Briefly. Yeah, briefly Quinino. Yeah, and he

talks about many interesting things. It's a very good book, actually. Is it? But one of the things he talks about is his uncle. Big bum, Niall Quinn. Did he? Yes. Or he is? Google. No. Okay. I can say that Or he is? Google. No. I can say that God also got one. I'll tell you who has an enormous bum.

Dr David Owen of the SDP. Massive bum. I think, I don't know if he's any longer with us. Gove? But, um... Gove. Gove big bum. Oh yeah, he's got a massive bum.

We can say this now. It's good to have a big bum, so it's fine to say. Yeah. I don't know if it's as good for men. No, it's good for ladies. That's the old big nail saying, but we won't go into that. But what was it? I forgot what I was talking about.

You took me off my... I'm so sorry. Oh, yes. So he said he had an uncle, and he said, Niall Quinn, and he said he lived alone. And he said he went out to the pub every night without fail he said and he had one room in his in his house was just a carpet had carpet no furniture at all and just a golf club leaning against the wall he said my uncle would get him from the pub every night take all the change out of his pockets,

throw it onto the floor, and then he would drive it off the carpet into the plaster of the wall. He said this one wall, this one wall, he said, was a mass of coins that he'd driven into the wall. And at the end of this incredible story, Niall Quinn ends with,

as I say, he lived lull. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. We were discussing not being given change based on an email that we'd received from Edward, I think.

And we've just had an email in from 449, an email from 449, so they're joining in with the captioning of their phone number at the end. That's nice. Yeah, isn't it? I was in Marks and Spencer's the other day and the lady never gave me my 10p change.

10p now? 10. Going up to the Silvers. I was too embarrassed to ask for it because I'd gone to the clothes counter when I was actually purchasing a sandwich. Brackets, they were really busy. Clothes brackets.

I felt like that was the price I had to pay for using the wrong counter. Yes, I would have felt that. You think so? That there should be an extra tithe on going to the wrong counter. Yes, I would have felt that. You think so? That there should be an extra tithe on going to the wrong counter? I love tithe. Thank you.

Not used nearly enough. No. I'm not saying there should be an extra tithe. I'm just saying I would feel guilt and thus compelled to pay it in a similar fashion. Eddie from Colesden has got in touch. Whenever someone assumes that I don't want my small amount of change,

I quote Tommy Cooper, who, when it happened to him, said, it's not the principal, it's the money. Keep up your contractually obliged obligations and happy new year. And then we also have Fiona on a fiscal note, Al, says, talking of drachma, I remember hearing a children's quiz on the radio and one of the questions was which country had drachma as its currency and the child answered Transylvania. Very good.

What about this, though, for an act of spontaneous kindness? On my own part. Oh, yeah. And I don't do many acts. You're going to publicise it. I don't do many acts, but I did the Sarah Cox TV show with Jason Manford, my absolute stable mate. Oh, yes.

Yes. And Jason said to me, how are the ticket sales for your West End show? Many of you will know I'm doing the Garrick Theatre. Oh, yes. From the 13th of January to the 15th of February.

Okay, I'll be there. Anyway, he said to me, he said to me, how's the ticket sales going? What did he say? Well, when I told him, I took 15% off. Did you?

I made them lower because I saw it. It was just before Christmas. And I thought it would make him so happy. It's like a gift. It's like a Christmas gift. That you're not selling as well as you are. Yeah, because you know what comics are like. So I took it down a notch.

And he went, oh. And I could see. Oh, I don't. I could see that went, oh, and I could see. Oh, I don't. I could see that I'd warmed, absolutely warmed his heart. I can't believe you did that. No, I thought it was a nice thing to do. You know, everybody else on the circuit would have gone exactly the other way. Put 15% extra on their service.

Well, it's probably an age thing. As you get older, you think, you know what, why not bring a little bit of sunshine into people's lives? What percentage of, is that how you talk what, why not bring a little bit of sunshine into people's lives? When you take the percentage off, is that how you talk about it in terms of how many sold? No, so if I... I said what percentage tickets were sold, but I took 15% off.

Yes, but that's how you're... So percentage of the whole tour? Yeah, of the whole run, yeah. OK. Yeah, I thought... I felt quite pleased with myself that I was able to pull that off, and knowing, I bet he went home with a warm glow and a little spring in his step.

I mean, I could never do that about any of my shows, because you can't sell minus percentages. Oh, no, no, no. Well, he's on minus three for his London run. So now I want to know what Frank took it down to. Yeah, we'll do that. You know what I'm going? We'll do that while playing a record.

85 he went. Oh, no. We all know the truth. Oh, no, no, no. Look, I'm not... Jason's a very nice player, but he's a comic. Jason's lovely. He's a comic.

I know the gif that he'll love most. You know when you give someone a gif, you're a bit anxious they might not like it? I didn't have any of that. I thought of you quite quickly when I saw a news story this week, Frank Skinner. Oh, yeah. It was about Lionel Messi.

Oh, yeah. Who, late review, very good footballer. Oh, not bad. A goat. But he is a goat. For anybody who's unaware, that's... Bit of a goat. Greatest of all time.

Unlike a bit of a git. No, it's very different from a bit of a git. But he was spotted, according to the newspapers, training at a gym whilst watching his best goals of 2019 on TV. And one of the reasons it made me think of you is that I have a vivid memory of a party that was thrown in celebration of your career. Oh, yes.

Where there was a highlights reel of Frank Skinner. And I remember enjoying many of the jokes, but I was very pleasantly surprised to see you enjoying many of your own jokes as well. Well this is the great thing about getting older is you forget large tranches of everything you've said and done I did wonder if that was why

Lionel Messi was watching the thing because it's been the summer and he's probably thinking I've completely forgotten how to play football. Well they're on a winter break so maybe that's long enough now. It's a winter break, I meant. You know what I mean. Well, he got, was it 50? Professional goals, he scored this.

Yeah, he is good. He is pretty good. Late review. But I've got to say, I think he's a, I think he was a man more sinned against than sinning, because people were commenting on this. It went viral, didn't it, Al? It did go viral.

Do you know what they said? They said it's going viral. Some said greatness watching greatness. Some said, oh, footballer loving himself, you do surprise me. Did they? Someone said, get a grip. I like get a grip to Lionel Messi. My first thought was, I bet he's got that treadmill on walk.

Oh, yeah. Because I've never known a professional footballer walk as much on the pitch as Lionel Messi does. Yeah. I mean, this has come more, obviously, as he's got older. Yeah. But apart from those bursts of activity when he does something special, he just strolls about. Have you ever had that experience?

It's often at a wedding or something like that when you have to walk across the dance floor. Everyone else is like high energy and you're just strolling through trying to find the space. That's what he's like. He's like that. That's where he learned his skill. He's a big walker.

He was a glass collector at a wedding ceremony. That's how he's like that's where he learned his skill he's a big walker yeah he was a glass collector at a wedding ceremony that's how he got spotted that's one of the things i like about messi is that he doesn't you'd never know if you didn't know him and you saw him out you'd never think that blokes i bet that blokes some sort of professional athlete. Yeah. Because he's little, isn't he? Well, Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, who's the other, obviously, candidate for GOAT. Yes. He looks like a strictly come dancing professional. Yes.

He could absolutely, if he came on there one week, and it couldn't be if he wasn't, and they said, no, our new dancer, Cristiano, and he came on, you'd completely accept it. Whereas Messi looks like, I don't know if you've ever been in betting shops, but that bloke is always in the betting shop. Yeah. Who gets a chair in there and has a bet on everything.

Well, he's very, I mean, he did look a bit to me like he might have been watching his screen, in fairness, and it happened to be on. Oh, you think they just put it on in the gym? Yes, I scrutinised the photograph. Hmm. And I felt he was, I mean, I don't know if this is more reputation damaging, but it looked like some sort of video game, to be honest. Oh. Okay. But on to be honest. Oh, okay. But on his actual screen.

But what I would say, if you look at the way, in terms of vanity, on the vanity scale, how high would he be? Balotelli, if you've got Balotelli up there as a solid 9.5.

Yeah, he's lower than Balotelli. Balotelli once said, if you meet a guy as good as me, I'll buy you dinner. I mean, come on. Who did he say that to? He didn't say it to you at customs. He didn't say it to Lionel Messi, that's for sure. Derek Jeter, the baseball player,

apparently says, yeah, Jets, every time he watches himself back on TV. Does he really? The cockerel thinks that's a bit big-headed. Do you go, yeah, cockerel? Whereas I just sit and laugh at myself heartily. Well, someone said, one of the tweets, of course this was an absolute fest of saying what had been said on Twitter

and having photos of the tweets just to fill up space. and having photos of the tweets just to fill up space. Someone said, I feel sorry for Messi because he can't enjoy the sensation we feel when we watch him live. Whereas I think Ronaldo probably feels sorry for us that we can't feel the sensation he feels when he watches himself live. We'll never have that complete thrill. Friendship on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Lionel Messi watching himself play football

whilst on a treadmill. Are you aware of the work of Kevin Bacon bacon the uh actor yes absolutely yeah i remember reading an article it must be literally 20 years ago kevin bacon who starred in the film footloose and did the dance didn't he you know he did a lot of dancing in footloose i remember that he said in this article that when he went to parties he would quietly go up to the dj the disc jockey and said do you have foot loose and if they had it on record he would buy it off them for like 200 because he knew that once it was seen that he was at a disco party thing people would keep going up and going put foot loose on put foot loose and then he'd end up having to do the dance. So he would just buy it. But now he can't do that, presumably,

because everyone can just digitally download it. Oh, I thought you meant because he's pushing 60. He can't do the dance and also he can't get hold of the music. In fact, if anything, he shouldn't really be advertising high-speed broadband because it's been his undoing on this, but he is. But I wonder if Lionel Messi, wherever he goes, if he's getting on a treadmill, people go, put the highlights of Lionel Messi on, because he's here.

Do you think it's that, that he's just surrounded by Lionel Messi highlights? I went to the Doctor Who experience in Cardiff, and I was in the shop there, and they put on Mummy on the Orient Express, which was nice. Classic. And I've been in several places i was in a shop recently a sort of uh a forbidden planet type shop and they put on three lions which is something they'd never play in a shop with comics and models of the flash no they'd never play a football song yeah so yeah it mainstream for them. Having said that I wouldn't

part with any money to stop you. Have you ever had that thing Frank where they've played I was with when Jonathan Ross was hosting the film show I was in a restaurant and the pianist started playing the theme tune as we walked in.

Well I went to a circus. Pianist. Do I say that oddly? Yeah. How do you say it? Pianist. Oh, I don't.

I've always said it in a strange way. I think everybody has got at least one word that they pronounce differently from everyone. Mine's Wednesday. Everyone thinks it's weird that I say the D. Yeah.

My dad and antiquity. Antiquity. Etiquette. And also the Somerset Moore movie called Somerset Maffam. So have they played anything like that when you've been... Well, I was at a circus

once where the circus orchestra played not only Three Lions tune, but also played the theme tune from Fantasy Football, a show I did in the distant past. Oh, OK. So, yeah. That's strange, Jean-Marc. But again, I wouldn't have paid them not to. Kylo Ren, who I know your son is a big fan of his,

the actor Adam Driver, he is very phobic about watching his own performances, won't ever watch himself. Why he expects the rest of us to, I don't know. Good point. And in fact, walked out of an interview recently when they played an excerpt of him singing in a movie. Oh, OK.

Yes. Is he related to Betty Driver, who used to play Betty Turpin in Coronation Street? Why did she keep her name? Good question. 8, 12, 15. She, if I remember rightly, was... Fabulous matriarch.

She was in a George Formby film, Betty Driver. She was a dancer and all that. Good knowledge. When I say all that, just trust me. All the latest hot gossip coming here to you on Absolute Radio. Minnie Driver, is she part of this? I think she might be related to Adam Driver. Is that right? Is I think she might be related to Adam Driver. Is that right?

Is she? She might be related to Adam Driver. No. I think she's related to the famous driver, David Coulthard, because they've both got one of those chins that looks like a shield. Yes. You know, a face like a shield. Minnie Driver, lovely girl, face like a shield. Yes. You know, face like a shield. Mini driver, lovely girl, face like a shield.

That's my summary. John Boy has got in touch. Has he really? Yes. 527. Okay. Me, my dad and my mum worked... Is this a Joan Armour training song?

Me, my dad and my mum worked at John Lewis. Oh, okay. Family affair. Anything but money is good. This is referring back, we should say, to when I... Gifts for good retail people. Oh, yeah, when you were giving the chocolate coins out I didn't follow that

I gave Ebby the gold coin for good service Me, my dad and my mum worked at John Lewis anything but money is good as if we get a tip it has to go in the till as we are all partners because as you know they don't call themselves assistants they refer to them as partners Ebby actually said

when he was trying to help the angry Hewlett Packard man he said let me speak to one of the other partners and see if they can advise they refer to each other as partners I never knew that it is a little so he then says

John Boy good intel from John Boy we're all partners except drivers they can keep it. So you can give your driver a financial tip, but if you are in the store, keep it to chocolate coins. Who are the drivers at Marks & Spencer's? John Lewis, darling. Adam.

Delivery. Delivery drivers, I think. Oh, what do they deliver? Well, whatever you get. Things to buy in the shop. Online, like groceries. I don't think they deliver? Well, whatever you get. Things to buy in the shop. Or do it online, like groceries. I don't think they deliver furniture. I think you can order groceries, maybe denim jeans,

perhaps some white goods, that sort of stuff. Sorry, are we going to let denim jeans slide, Frank? I was trying to pick things that would be amusing. Denim jeans. I think jeans is fine. Well, I don't mind. I'm always happy with a bit of extreme. Denim jeans. I think jeans is fine. Well, I don't mind. Tautology. I'm always happy with a bit of extreme.

Denim jeans. You know what you sound like? I think you mean an old lady. A sort of disapproving 1950s creature. He turned up wearing denim jeans. That's right, yeah, yeah. Do people still wear brushed denim? Is that still a thing?

I don't think that's as common as it might have been once upon a time. And stone, stonewash. There's a lot of stonewash knocking about, though, because the kids are all into the 80s stuff. Are they? You know, fleeces, big shoes, big trainers, that sort of stuff. Big shoes? There's a shop near me that they might be interested in.

Yes, we know. What's it called again, Frank? It's called the Frigg Shop. For people with enormous feet. Have they not run out of names for those shops? They've had Long Tall Sally, surely.

I don't know. There's a few, aren't there? They have Big Men shops that they call names. Is there a Long John Silver? That wouldn't really work for a shoe shop unless you were buying them one at a time.

Oh, I don't know. What do you call it? The tall guy? But do you have to be tall and have big feet? No, you could just have big feet. Yeah, you could look like a shelf bracket and be as tall as you are. Well, as we know, Winslet's not massively tall,

and she's got the old size nines, I believe. Nine and a half, UK, Kate Winslet. As I always say, can't watch telly in bed. That's so not creepy at all that you know that. Well, she was on the Bigfoot Babes website, which is where I came across this information. Is that right? Well, actually, what I actually did,

I saw an interview with her on American television, and most of it was about her big feet. Right. And in America, she's like 11 and a half. So she kept saying, I've got 11 and a half feet. And I was thinking, what? Right. And so I Googled her feet to see if that was the UK or the thing

and I ended up on Bigfoot Babes. But her argument was that her mum was a model or something and was very tall and so she inherited the feet but not the height. Ah. There you have it. Life can be cruel. Well, she's got round it in many ways. Very good at finding her mark when she's filming.

Because, I mean, it's a broad church. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Tell Frank Skinner that the first McDonald's in Britain... This is a text message, by the way. Tell Frank Skinner that the first McDonald's in Britain... This is a text message, by the way. Tell Frank Skinner? Is that a bit like the old grey goose is dead?

I'll be honest with you, I didn't like the tone on this. No? OK. I think it's in response to something Emily said. Is it a text? Yes. I always say, though, text should have stage directions or in brackets. I said Frank. With a lightness of touch, tell Frank Skinner.

Jolly a tone than you may be expecting. I mentioned that the Golders Green McDonald's was an early addition to the McDonald's franchise. I think you said it was the first. I thought I said one of the first. I do apologise. If I said the actual first, I'm sorry. Anyway, I have to tell Frank Skinner

that the first McDonald's in Britain was in Woolwich, London. Opened in 1975. It was there because it was so close to the Thames it would only have half of the catchment area of a normal branch. So if it could succeed there, it could succeed anywhere. Opened by Ed Stewart, the DJ. Love Intel. Stewpot, is it? Love Intel. Stewpot.

Is it? Yeah. Ed Stewpot Stewart. And if they can, do you think he sang, if you can make it there, you'll make it. Who'd have thought that? We'll put it by the river. And it gets off.

What about... Sort of stress testing it's early. What about water traffic? Good point. What about boaters? Jolly sailors stopping for a McDonald's. Yeah, nautical types. Jolly swagmen. Don't think it happened.

Back to sporting news. Well, there's a story. I bet I know what story you were excited by this week. I think you might. Are we thinking of the same one, for a chance? The Karate Nannas, Frank. Did you read about them? I did. Well, Alan, I mean, I think...

This covers, I'd say, both of our passions, martial arts and old ladies. Yeah, two. In their 70s, these women. 72 and 77. Sheila and Isabel. From Fife. From Fife.

And they've got their black belts. Yes. Fife. In karate. Ooh, Fife. Now, I don't know if I've heard... Can you say karate again? Just while we're talking about pianist?

Karate. Okay. What's wrong with that, karate? Karate, I would say. I would give it another syllable, but I wouldn't argue with Alan Cochran on the Marshalls. Karate! I did actually do quite a lot of karate as a child,

and I think I might have regaled you with one of my early anecdotes about it, which is that when I was a young man, whilst suffering from horrendous diarrhoea, I sat my brown belt in Shotokan karate. Ironic. In what? Very ironic indeed.

What kind of karate? In Shotokan. Oh, OK. And, I mean, it's a stressful day anyway to be scrutinised in that way, but what you don't want to do when you've got tummy trouble is publicly perform high kicks in white pyjama trousers. No, I've always said that.

Not a fun day out for these. So my hat is off to these ladies. I don't know what kind of shape they're in but fair play to them. Donald Trump talking about his partner. They look pretty good. Both wear

spectacles I noticed which reminded me of that picture I've got of Elvis doing karate in shades. Tell me Al, could one practically perform karate in glasses? I mean yeah, you'd have to be

pretty confident, though, that you weren't going to get thumped in the face. What about the sort of glasses Deirdre Barlow wore in 1976? Are they wearing those in the picture? Yeah, well, they're quite old-school glasses. Oh, they're a bit Dennis Taylor, World Snooker Championship. Perhaps they're so thick of lens that they think, well, anybody that punches these will hurt their hand.

Think sort of early 80s serial killer. That's the glasses. They, it took them five, four or five years, I wanted to ask as well, they got the black belt 2015 they started, Frank. Is that a fast trajectory?

Any credible martial art would say that that's too fast. Why? Because it's obviously nonsense, isn't it? Just handing them out like... Any credible martial art would say that that's too fast. Oh, yeah. Because, you know... Why? Because it's, you know, it's obviously nonsense, isn't it? Just handing them out like... They're firing them from slamming through the gans. Yeah. Al's got beef.

Too soon. It makes me cringe, this story. I was a bit... Why? Tell me... See, my first thought... Listen, we need to... I'm afraid...

We... The Fez is emerging. My first thought was my son does judo. And one of the first things he was taught that when he lands on the floor, he really slams the floor hard. Oh, yeah. Ow! Now, even at my age, my bones are basically like aero.

If I... That's an oppressing start to people's day. I worry for these women in their 70s, slamming, maybe that doesn't happen in karate, you tell me. I think they'll be kicking and punching fresh air and then being given a belt. That's the sad, searing indictment

on this whole news story. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Anyway, back with more fun after this. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio.

351 agrees with me. Read the karate pensioners. I can sympathise with Alan. I imagine they are giving them belts in the same way that universities chase after film stars with honorary doctorates some people have to work for years to get one of those

I've got two honorary doctorates I have got two other degrees that I had to work for alright thanks at the end of Jude the Obscure I think Jude has tried his whole life to gain some sort of, to just get into academia. And as he dies, I think he hears the rich sons, the bell ringing, saying the sons of rich families have been given honorary doctorates. There you go.

Spoiler alert. Thomas Hardy, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. There you go. Spoiler alert. Thomas Hardy, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Wait, review.

I just like the idea of when the Christmas cake came out with one of the pensioners and someone says, we'll get a knife. Get you a knife, Edna. And she says, no need. Yeah. There you go. Help yourselves. She said, yes.

When one of them was discussing it, because she'd taken the grandkids along, obviously, she said, I decided to give it a go, and she said, the rest is history. When you say history, I mean, I don't think, it's not up there with the fall of Constantinople. No. Look, it's a lovely, heartwarming story with hardcore violence at its centre.

And inspiring, Frank. And that's nice. I would suggest if they're 77, 72, they've lived through actual history that's more interesting than getting their black belts in their twilight years. It was inspiring until Al basically exposed that it was

fixed. Rubbished it. I still plan to run the 100 metres. Sarah, we need to sort that out. I have an athlete. This has been a long time of coming. Well, there were circumstances, which meant I couldn't at the time. But now I'm prepared to do it.

I'm ready to do it. In heels? Was that the deal? No, don't make it weird. I added that. It's been so long. Make it turn into some Dick Emery sketch. I've always added those details. I've got to do it. I believe I've got to do it in under 9.58 seconds, which is Usain Bolt's record.

You think you'll be all right? We'll give you 10 seconds. You're a bit older than when you first declared you were going to do it. Well, Flo Jo, I think the late Florence Joyner Griffith holds the female record still, doesn't she? Which is what? Something like 10.4, I think the late Florence Joyner-Griffith holds the female record still, doesn't she? Which is what? Something like 10.4, I'm guessing. 10 point something.

I don't want to beat that. I don't think I'd be able to do the pole vault, but that's a bit more complicated to arrange. Okay. I don't fancy the pole vault. If you get it wrong, I think I'd get up on the top of the upper arc of the pole vault and have a panic attack.

Oh, a question. And have to really balance on it. I think we all have to attempt an event. Your pole vault, I'm doing the 100 metres, what are you choosing, Skinner? Can I shoot geese? Oh, that's a good idea. No, you can do shot put, though.

No, I don't want to go on with a dirty neck. That's all I remember of that shot. Imagine if Fatima had said that. Well, I know, but she's a, you know, she's a more focused person

than I am in that area of life, certainly. Wasn't she javelin anyway? No, she was, I think she, what's the one where you stand

in the little tiny tent and you throw it around? I think she was javelin. Oh, possibly. I apologise, Fatima. She doesn't listen. You've checked. I think she does car boot on Saturday mornings.

That's what she told me. I mean, who wants to buy old whites, old javelins? Anyway. yeah. I should have a beige belt for pensioners. Oh, yes. Wouldn't that be nice? Elasticated. Yes, like the ones you see in the back of the supplements. Yeah, there'll be some in today's papers almost certainly.

How much a month? Beige karate belt. £7.99? Senior, beige karate belt, bracket seniors. £18.99. Seven payments

of £10. Barking. Thank you for listening to us. It's great to be back in 2020. I mean, come on. At last a year, a decade, it's easy to say.

Because let's face it, the fact that we've got absolute noughties and absolute teens, I mean, it's complicated, isn't it? But absolute twenties, I look forward to that. Said he optimistically. Anyway, if

the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.