The Frank Skinner Show - Prank Skinner

Episode Date: June 12, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a visit from Matt Forde and had a failed trip to the theatre. The team also discuss Biden’s Presidential car, some more bad customer service and how often men change their underwear.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now listen, don't text the show today because we are not live. Not live. However, we are available of course on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio, or you can email us in the old fashioned way via the Absolute Radio website. So good morning, guys. I can't see you, but I feel your heartbeats in the ether. Morning, boys. So this is my it's not actually my fault, but I'm the reason that we're not doing this live today.

So if anyone at home wants to pour out any vitriol, I'm your target man for that. Yeah. And it all started so fast. Good you're already using a football analogy, target. Yeah. You're the number nine up front. Well, the European Championships have already begun when this goes out. So it is the time.

So give us your reasoning. OK, here's what happened. I went, you know, there's a feeling now that things are coming back again. We might be returning to the old olden times oh yeah and i went i went to you'll like this because i was going to the national theater my first um trip to the theater since all this began i got the boss i mean oh man it was like just one bungee jump after the next and um it was a beautiful sunny early evening i stopped at a shop i got off the bus and i i thought i'd get myself a purdy's which is my drink of choice and i discovered a new flavor

dark fruits purdy's which is like an old soul singer might mate. Oh, purdies, dark fruit. Anyway, I had that. I walked over the bridge. I looked at St Paul's. The sun was shining. I thought, I'm going to the theatre. Brilliant. So I got to the National Theatre.

First thing that happened is a woman said to me, oh, God, Frank's, I'm a massive fan of your comedy. I thought things are just getting better. And she said, I recognise you even with a mask on. I said, it's the giant forehead, you say. I said, if I wore a bandana, I'm invisible just like that. She laughed. I thought, I'm rocking, I'm on form, I'm ready. And it was all great great I was going to see Afterlife at the National Theatre which is written by Jack Thorne who is the husband of my partner's sister anyway I'm gonna get there so oh I saw something on the way can you remind me after

that I saw something on the way that I want to talk to you about on the South Bank? Anyway, I got to the National Theatre and you have to use your NHS app to sort of log into the venue. So I took out my phone, put on the NHS app and I had a pulsing red circle. Uh red circle oh i haven't been having the all brand no i i had a i had a pulsing red circle and it says um you must self-isolate until 23 59 that frightened me and then i realized that was the time, not the year, on the 16th of June. So I'm at I'm actually by now I'm sort of in the foyer.

I've gone out of the frying pan of a hot summer's night into the foyer. And my my NHS app is saying you're dangerous. The NHS app is saying you're dangerous. And now I know people have got, I've told someone this story and they said to me, yes, that's why I deleted mine. It's a real nuisance. I like that person. Okay, fair enough. But I'm pretty, you know, I'm pretty law abiding.

I follow rules. I'm a Catholic. I can honestly say, and I'm sure I'm sorry, but I, I'm pretty law abiding. I follow rules. I'm a Catholic. I can honestly say, and I'm sure I'm sorry, but I honestly believe this to be true. I don't think in my life I have ever eaten an after eight mint before eight o'clock. So that's how I live my life. So that's why we're not doing the show today, because fabulously, as being a sci-fi fan,

an app told me that I couldn't. If only they'd done it in a Doctor Who voice. Doctor! Doctor! So, as I explained at the top of the show, I'm not here live today. We aren't here live because my app says I have to stay in till 11.59 on Wednesday night. So did you miss the show?

You had to turn on your heel. I had to turn on my It takes me about an hour to get to the National Theatre From my house so I just turned on my heel And then I had this dilemma That really I should go home You know those big plastic balls That people roll inside

Yeah yeah I really needed one of those You would have thought wouldn't you That the sale of those would have gone up enormously during the COVID. That's exactly how I've been travelling since March 2020. I don't know about everyone else. The CEO, you have the back for it. I don't know how far I'd get in one of those.

And also, I'm of an age now where you don't want it to look like my next door neighbour's alarm clock, of which I told you last week, half full with bodily fluids. I had big plans for this weekend. I was going to see all four episodes of the Doctor Who serial Dragonfire at the BFI. That's gone. Never to. Not funny. BFI. That's gone. Never to...

Not funny. And I should have been in Wimbledon. Please. I should have been in Wimbledon tonight, open bracket, Saturday. Close brackets. I've stopped laughing now. I was going to be interviewed

by Samira Ahmed. Do you know Samira? Oh, yes. When we sit in the studio on a Saturday, I always say, she's got great hair, that presenter. Yes. And that's her.

Oh, I thought you were saying that to me. It's probably just as well we didn't meet. Well, she is, I'll tell you something about Samira Ahmed. She is a big fan

of both science fiction and westerns. Ah. So. Oh, my two worst worst things she seems kind of like my dream woman big bit of the diagram for frank skinner there it is totally totally and i remember when i met victoria corinne and after about a couple of hours i said to her, do you think I could be your friend? And Victoria, Corrin as it was then, Corrin Mitchell as now, is the sort of woman who could take that without having to phone the police.

And we did kind of become friends. So I have a worrying feeling. You know, there's an element of cable guy to that kind of approach. Well, I've tried it, Frank. And I have a worry I might It was, you know, it is an element of cable guy. Oh, that kind of approach. Well, I've tried it. And I have a worry. I might've said it to Samira. Pardon?

I recommend that. I've done it to a number of people that can I be your friend? Have you? Yes. I told you I did it to Greg Davis. That's nice. Never heard from him since. Oh,

well, there you go. It's not always, it is a bit like Martina. will you be my mixed doubles partner? You know, if it comes off, it's great. But if it doesn't, you leave the communal dressing room with your tail between your legs, as it were. I've had the reverse, where people that were my friend are no longer.

Is that a thing? That is a thing, isn't it? I've had the reverse, where people that were my friend are no longer. Is that a thing? That is a thing, isn't it? That's like the band-breaking. It's a thing, but did they just drift away and did you think, oh, they're no more my friends, or did you get an official note? Yeah. The friendship will expire at 23.59 on Saturday.

There's a decree nice-eye on the friendship. Oh, I love the phrase decree nice eye. I tell you, there's sometimes where Latin really pulls out the stops and turns it on. And for me, decree nice eye is right up there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As you know, we're not live today, so please don't text the show. We were talking about occasionally one gets a sound dip in a recording and the producer said, don't worry about that.

Well, she said, don't worry about that. I'll fix it because she's from the north. And I'm worried that the way she fixes it is by putting in some of her own poncho lines in that north. You know when you get those messages that say, and the train will arrive at 9.30, someone else has sort of done that bit. Oh, yeah.

So that's something to look forward to. I might actually listen to the show myself this week. The point of order, the word she actually used was eradicate, which I felt was her way of relating to you on a sci-fi level. Because that feels very much in your ballpark. Yeah, I think it was mentioned at the meeting where the Daleks decided on exterminate. It was somebody brought it up.

What about eradicate no they don't that's it they don't really debate the daleks they just give you the negative uh straight out people get very hurt at dalek meetings i found although martina navratilova was fine with it. She turned down two of them that day. So I had another incident. This was when I was still free to roam the earth. I was walking down the street when a woman, an excited woman, approached me. Whoa. Well, lovely. It's been a while.

And she said, oh, God, Frank Skinner. Oh, man, I can't believe it. How exciting. And I thought, all right. And she said, oh, listen, my daughter's down there. Will you come and say hello to her? Oh, she won't even be able to say anything. She'll just scream.

And I thought, this is set up. I am set up for a fall here, aren't I? Because this woman is, say, 40. Her daughter's going to be, what, tops. She's going to be 20, early 20s. She's going to not know who I am. And the mothers are really excited about her response. It's going to, you know, we all suffer.

So anyway, I went with her and I could see this. I suppose this girl was about 15 or 16. And she said, honestly, when she sees you, she'll just scream. So I was naked. Did I did i mention that no i wasn't and um anyway i we reached the daughter in question and uh the mom said look it's frank skinner and the daughter did scream she actually did do the scream which I must say surprised me I know and she said oh my god Taskmaster and I thought how did she how did she know my S&M name that is that was unsettling perhaps she's been talking to Lance and the other guys. Yeah, maybe, but I mean

that's supposed to be, you know, our world is what I'm saying. But, um... So what happened then? I'm assuming that they're now both isolated. I spoke to her for about ten minutes. No, no. Luckily, the daughter knew the safe word to get rid of me.

And so, uh... No, we didn't. that's the thing i thought that they might be self-isolating i've been walking around um throbbing um and not knowing about it shut up shut up frank skinner on absolute radio Absolute Radio I've been doing a few online things just lately you know this is the age of the sort of the Zoom and the various other things

so I did the Idler do you know that magazine? Oh yes they have a sort of a I don't know if it's like a they have a thing where it's called a drink with the idler and you do and you're interviewed and then there's loads of people watching it online.

Oh, yeah. And it was lovely. And at the end of it, they flash up pictures of the audience who were all sort of clapping. I say all, a clapping and you sort of smile and wave back at them and it was it's you know it's nice all people in their own homes or gardens so i did that and then i did um the hay festival and which is a farming thing isn't it yeah yes it's about the hay diet. It's all based on not having carbs. The whole thing was about that.

You've got to put where Grandpa Walton dungarees for that one. So what happened there? Did they chat to you? So I did an interview for the Hay Festival and at the end of it, all these faces started appearing again. So I started waving and smiling. And the Reverend Richard Coles appeared. And I thought, well, that's nice that he was watching. And then Tony Blair.

And then David Hockney, the British artist. And I thought, wow. Then I realised, having been waving for about two minutes they were just showing a trailer to advertise the Hay Festival and I'm thinking wow like David Hockney watched my interview no no he didn't

Tony Blunt exactly and basically it was me waving at them, though. Tony, do you not want to look at the G7 coverage? No, I've got to watch Frank Skinner at the moment in the Hay on Why Festival interview.

Oh, man. So, yeah, I mean, no, I don't think anyone knew. I'm really hoping they couldn't see me waving back in high HQ. You know this is going to go on the radio, though, so you're actually admitting to it now. I know, but you know what? Sometimes you've just got to say, look, I have occasionally been an idiot in life.

I'd say at least once a week. Oh, but man, it was like my dream crowd, and they weren't actually there. Still, on the plus side, because I was plugging the prayer book, that's what I was talking about. I was grilled, actually, by Marcus Brickstock. It's quite a hard-hitting Jeremy Paxman. Yeah, atheist and also fellow comedian. hitting Jeremy Paxman. Yeah.

Atheist and also fellow comedian. The combination was always going to be scathing. I think it's fair to say. Oh, what did he say? Did he just put you under a lot of pressure? He was fine. He was fine, and I'll tell you off air. That's what I was just about to ask. Yeah, but we're still on air but don't worry

we can just we can just actually can't wait tread out the last few seconds of this link then we can speak like adults I tell you what

did I tell you because you know what it's like when you get to my age did I tell you what, did I tell you? Because you know what it's like when you get to my age. Did I tell you? We're done. Well, no. Well, you should do. I tell you enough what it's like. We don't know.

We hear what it's like. My parish priest asked if he could have 20 copies of my prayer book to sell at the back of church. Did I mention this to you? No. I was anxious about it. The idea of leaving every Sunday and the pile never diminishing in the corner.

Oh, yeah. Great for the humility, which is one of the reasons I go there, but I don't want it in such big dollops. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Anyway, he got 20. I got the publishers to send.

He had to pay, but, you know, there's a deal. So he got 20 copies. And I went there this week, and he called across to me and said, all 20 copies gone in one mass and i thought could i use that on a poster i bet jk rowling has never sold 20 copies in one mass so um i was really shifted a lot of units just shows how many we get turning up nowadays. Also, they've had a few glasses of wine, let's be honest, as well. Bear in mind,

this is not even a full mass. This is socially distanced and I've still sold out. Come on. Were they the Polish translation or was it the English? No, no, it's not in Polish yet. You're right, though.

It would be good. I don't know any Polish people who don't speak English, but I suppose there are a few around. Probably in Poland there'll be some. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Frank, how lovely that you can hold your head up high in that church. I know, I mean, he might have been, you know. No, he wouldn't be.

So one person would say something to me, and I think he won't be lying because he knows the implications. So I had a text, get this, from the presenter of rock and roll football, Matt Ford. Oh, yeah. And he's a popular political comedian. One of the few, perhaps the only political comedian i've ever seen live who you can see both of his hands on the mic stand because usually they're using one of their hands

to pat themselves on the back anyway he texted me i know what what would you how would you respond to this this is Matt Ford who I think is a brilliant comic and who I have massive respect for he texted me and said I've just bought the Three Lions CD not even the new vinyl version I bought the CD

I don't live too far from you if I pop round your house at your convenience would you sign it for me oh how lovely and i said well my thought was this is he's gonna turn up there's gonna be a secret camera in his knots forest shoulder bag and um yeah i just thought that this is, and I said to him, look, is this a scam? He replied, prank Skinner, question mark. Which I thought was pretty good. I was pleased with that.

So I allowed him entrance. So we came round the next day. He's suspicious. No, he was, I signed his, you know, he did have his Nottingham Forest bag and he got his CD and we sat in the garden and drunk whatever it is he's allowed to drink with his goat. And we talked and I said, look, let's go and see David Baddion. He said, oh, no, I couldn't. I said, he lives in the same road. So I, I, I knocked on the door and a buzzer went

yes and I said it's Frank Skinner and the popular political comedian Matt Ford and in we went and Dave signed it and all that but afterwards I thought did that really happen this is Matt Ford who I think of

as a very established successful comedian and he didn't even get the vinyl This is Matt Ford, who I think of as a very established, successful comedian. And he didn't even get the vinyl. I'm signing some old CD. And the bit that I find funny is that now none of you are allowed to meet anybody until next Wednesday evening, isn't it? Is that right? In my garden?

Oh, no, no. Oh, God, he timed it perfectly. But, I mean, you know, timing is everything in this business. But, yeah, I look back on it now as a nostalgic gathering of fellow human beings. What if the app bites back and sticks another 10 days on just for the sheer hell of it? Well, we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted, guys, out there, because I love you all. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

Oh, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show today. We are not live for app-based reasons. However, you can contact us on Instagram and Twitter at frankontheradio or email us through the Absolute Radio website. So we're not gone. We're just slightly distanced.

Okay. So what else? Well, I'd like to draw your attention to what we call previously on this show. This is where we bring up a thing and then people respond with their version of it. It's not complicated. You were talking recently about bad customer service experiences, weren't you? I bought an Iron Man outfit with no elastic on the mask.

And when I complained, they sent me a link to some elastic rather than sent me a new mask or whatever. Still haven't fitted the elastic, will I ever? Will I, Buffalo? Well, we've had a few people with the... Let's see if we think they're amusing tales of customer service. Sean Lester is one of my favourites. My friend and I worked at a pizza restaurant and

my friend, brackets a waiter, delivered a deep pan pizza to a table and was puzzled by the customer staring at him as he put it down. There was a string of cheese from the pizza to his mouth where he'd nibbled a piece of spicy pork in the kitchen.

Oh man. Sickening. I mean that is gross. I would be really annoyed if I was that customer. But because it's not me I'm really amused. I thought you were going to say there was a strand back to the kitchen you know so that in case he got lost on his way to that would suit me. It reminds me of an old joke. Do you know what a Whitlow is? No. A Whitlow is a sort of a, it's like a sore blistery thing that you get in your cuticles occasionally. Oh, yes. And there used to be a joke about a waiter who had a Whitlow on his thumb and he delivers soup to this man and he's got his thumb in the soup

and the guy says, what's going on? And he said, I'm sorry, I've got a whitlow and the doctor said I've got to keep it warm and the man said well why don't you stick it up your backside and the bloke said well I do when I'm in the kitchen and it's jokes like that that have put this

country's entertainment industry where it is today anyway carry on you can use it, Al. I'm not sure there's the work out there, but I'll keep it in mind. I think you need to read that book, How to Decline Graciously. I've got something I'd like to share with you, Frank Skinner. This we've received in, do you remember telling us about an interview you'd done where cameras had turned up unexpectedly?

It was a radio interview with three, perhaps even, certainly three major cameras. And then I think what I like to call a camcorder was also present. so present. We never actually asked you what your problem was, whether it was the change of communication or if you just weren't dressed up. Well, I wasn't dressed up. We'll be the judge of that

because there's a photo of you taken on the day. Can I just say I've never been a fan of the surprise switch of media. I don't like it when you phone someone, leave a voice message, and they text you back. I think, look, it's like Paul. It's like Paul.

I've just potted a stripe. We have to stick to the rules. Don't just start switching media midstream. And I think if you're saying, well, look, the bottom line, I'm dressing it up, is one gets paid more for television than one does for radio. Now we get to the heart of it. And so I don't want someone saying to do a radio interview yeah and then sneaking in a TV interview through the back door

not on my watch. Not on anyone's watch it turned out because you wouldn't let it be filmed. It's Coming Home the Story of Three Lions is going out on let's just say a rival station um which i won't name um and well we've had a number of comments from simon it's gone out now i think has it simon simon d not the 1960s tv uh presenter looks like frank on the radio was a bit surprised. No, probably not, because he's no longer with us. He's no longer with us, I'm afraid. Was a bit surprised by the cameras turning up.

Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars. Is this the one where Frank on the radio refused to be filmed, channeling his inner Marlon Brando? Look, I think I was in the right here i i was you know one has to stand up for the little man against against them i think i was in the right here the new book by frank skinner frank skinner on absolute radio On Absolute Radio. Great track. I don't know what that track was, but I think it's good to say great track and just hope it wasn't the police.

That's beautifully acted. You're a lovely little actor, Frank. Very good. I mean, someone said to me, they said, you're the only celebrity presenter i know on radio who does it live you know they wouldn't get up that time of the morning the proper celebrities they said to me anyway here we are pre-recording we've had another uh i'd like to share this with you which is another callback entitled frank's wi-fi squatter. This is Alex from Southport.

Morning, Frank, Alan and Emily. I've been flicking through the podcasts and I'm concerned. Fortunately, he goes on. We heard how Big Daddy had given his Wi-Fi password to his new neighbour, much to Alan and Emily's dismay. I would go further. I was concerned. I called the police. Since that episode, we've not heard anything since.

They were already here. Something to do with my history. Anyway, carry on. What he said, what Alex says, is I really hope that Frank isn't still footing the bill and he ends six plus years worth. Praise redacted. To be honest, do you think that's why Matt Ford turned up? He'd heard there was free Wi-Fi going.

I'm just saying. I love free Wi-Fi. That is the, that I believe is the Uber password for their free Wi-Fi. Is it really? Yeah. I don't think I'm giving anything away. I don't think, I suppose if you're in a car and you're next to an Uber, you probably could use that.

I don't think they'd mind. Now, nothing bad ever came of it, but I did have a look about two years later, and it was still being used by Nextdoor. Things like that don't bother you. Yeah, that would bother me. Because I don't think you pay

any more for how much Wi-Fi you use, do you? You just get Wi-Fi. It's like those eat-all-you-can all you can restaurants yeah yeah that's what i think it's very similar the wi-fi is a little bit warmer than the food which is essentially cooked by light bulb usually in those restaurants which i can't see how that works. OK. I would like to talk to you boys about something I've seen this week regarding old Pa Biden, who is in town, and he's had terrible car trouble.

This is one for you, Al. Well, as the nurturing correspondent of the show, I'm very interested straight away. Well, it's the Beast, isn't it, he normally brings over. Are you both familiar with the Beast? Oh, yeah. The Beast is his sort of, well, it's the American presidential supercar, isn't it? It's a Cadillac.

It's very James Bond, indeed. Oh, it's borderline go-go gadget beast. It's got tons of exciting stuff in there. Or even Professor Balthazar, which is an East European cartoon from the 1960s. I'm surprised you didn't leap on it with your own reminiscences of it immediately. My Wi-Fi password, actually, you'll find is I heart Professor Balthazar. So there you go.

Do you think if Bernard Madeline was still alive, he'd be getting jokes? My Wi-Fi. Take my Wi-Fi. Yeah. Please. That's what Frank says to his neighbours. Take my Wi-Fi, please. Yeah, take my Wi-Fi and keep it for about two years.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we should explain, shouldn't we, for those who are not familiar with the presidential beast car, just a few of its things. It's few of its things. It's armour plated.

It's something like eight inches thick armour or something of that nature. It's eight inch thick glass. And my best fact... They actually changed the glass in it. They changed the glass to Joe Biden's prescription for his glasses. Well, they had to change the bonnet, apparently,

because the previous incumbent had had babe magnet in an elaborate design. And it didn't really apply to Joe. I mean, it's a bit, it's sad. This is why I read, there was a thing about it in the Daily Mail. They had like a diagram with all its brilliant things. It reminded me of those cutaways you used to get in comics like The Eagle. You'd get like some tank from World War II and there'd be a big cutaway

so you could see how it worked inside. And it had loads, one of the things it said, it's that it is able to resist nuclear attack. so you could see how it worked inside. And it had loads. One of the things it said, it is able to resist nuclear attack. Yeah. It definitely isn't. That's the sort of thing that Boz, my son Boz,

would say a kid at his school and said about his dad's car. Oh, yeah. Nathan's got, his dad's got a car that can resist nuclear attack. Now, when you come to check it, it means it's got airbags. I just don't believe it. Do you believe that? I think that's why they call it the Beast,

because it's actually the car version of the cockroach. It'll survive a nuclear holocaust. They should call it the cockroach. No, the cockroach is gone now there's a new one it's uh he is but well basically it says that it's able also to flood the road with nails now that is that is james bond that really is that's gold finger nails and oil i believe and oil of course yeah we've got plenty of that still um i mean isn't a little bit over the top scheme would you say the beast i think it is here's what i think about the

beast boys i would say beastie boys i do understand the need for security and discretion. But you know what? Here's an idea. Take the flags and the flashing lights off. They tend to attract a lot of attention. Maybe a Vauxhall Corsa is the way forward. What? Or any other brand of car. I sort of understand the need for security.

But at the same time, how impatient do you have to be to assassinate a 78-year-old president? This is like the people that won't wait for the green man. You know, they have to go on. Just wait. It's going to be all right. Also, I assumed he was already dead. wait it's going to be alright also I assumed he was already dead

I mean he's really he really has got that look about him, he looks like you know Lurch from the Addams family that used to be my nickname oh well if he'd gone to Harvard he would be Joe Biden basically

I mean it's said that there's several bags, as the mail put it, several bags of president blood in the car and I thought that's where he keeps it because he doesn't seem to be carrying any with him. He's not using it in his face I assume

he's also got some virgin's blood in there as part of his health He does look like he's on the six weeks to omg diet all the time there's something very um amazing that he's still walking about uh joe biden i'm sure he's a lovely morning joe welcome to the country exactly i'd be interested if he's listening i don't know if we should have had him here if he's such a hazard. Wow. Under what circumstances would the beast's hazard lights be used?

That's got to be really something, hasn't it? Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking about Joe Biden's beast. Yes. Which is an arm of... It weighs nine tonnes. Whoa.

You just think about how heavy the TARDIS was that nobody could move it. And then in several episodes of Doctor Who, sort of people just put it on a hand cart and take it away somewhere. So it's made me very sceptical about the weight of vehicles in general. I hope nobody just picks up the beast and turns it away whilst Biden's here. Well, the big problem seemed to be they were worried that the roads in Cornwall can be like country roads and they didn't think the Beast would be able to manoeuvre in.

It's very long, isn't it? It's an 18-foot wide... I thought you meant Cornwall. No, no, Cornwall is different. You can't be doing that reversing rigmarole up and down the country lanes. It's no good. They must have a brilliant driver there. And parking.

There's no worry about parking. Just park where you like. It's like watching a Bond film when he just parks outside where he's going. Fantastic. What about the beast emits 120 volt shock if you touch the car door handle without prior authorization. That sounds... I hope they know about those blokes who ask for loose change at traffic light. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody tries to clean his windscreen. Oh, God, that's going to be not the shotgun's tear gas. Oh, man. The bloke, you just had to say no. It was like most people just give me a bit of a, you know, no way gesture. There was no need for the tear gas and the 1200 volts. It's all gone a bit Kim Jong. No, I hope they've thought, yeah, what about if some, you know, when he arrives at the hotel and that bloke in the sort of

Dick Whittington footman type outfit turns up with a brass bottom and opens the door, that's going to be another one gone. I mean, it's valet parking, four people killed. Yeah, that's our event. We don't want it here, it's not safe. Get. That's our event. We don't want it here. It's not safe. Get out of it, Joe. There's two of them

apparently as well. Two beasts. Beast and fake beast, isn't it? But he's had to... I don't think it's the actual beast he's brought,

the beast. I think he's had to bring the sort of the SUV, the school run on my way to yoga. He's got one of those. Yeah. OK.

I saw I was in New York once and I saw Bill Clinton in his. What do they call him? Cavalcade. Is that what they call it? Several cars together. Yeah. In his disgrace, iscade? Is that what they call it? Oh, yeah. When there's several cars together. Yeah. In his disgrace, is it? I can't remember.

No, no, he was, I think at this point, he was still... Oh. We didn't know. No, we didn't. So I saw him, and he was doing a bit of waving, and there was other, and as part of the cavalcade...

Is that the right word? I keep saying it doesn't sound right. I don't know, but it's not often we get... It sounds like a 1960s adult magazine. Yeah. We don't often get the opportunity to use it, so let's fill our boots. Yeah, OK.

Well, as part of the cavalcade was a big truck that just said blood unit on it. And I thought, oh, dear. So I like the idea now that it's hidden within the car and they don't trumpet the fact that they're carrying blood in case anything bad happens. I just think, you know, keep it light. That's what I thought, Bill. Ah, yes. One of my favourites. I don't know what it was again,

but I just think it's good to give it a continuity, you know, you don't want the bricks to seem too separate from the cement. That's my motto in life. We were talking about Joe Biden's presidential vehicle, whatever it might be. You're thinking now that he didn't actually bring it. He didn't bring either Beast or Beast 2. No, I think... Beast 2, this time it's Diesel. That would be the billing on that.

They decided to leave the Beasts at home, I think, because I believe Secret Service men came, all women came over here and did a recce and decided it would be too perilous. Because cobbles, isn't it? Yes. Well, also, it's just not, you know, we're not built for beasts in this country.

No, we're not. It's too narrow roads and the cobbles. I worry that the cobbles are going to affect the politicians' metaphors. There's going to be a point where they say, we've got some bumpy ground in front of us and Boris Johnson's going to say, what you mean with Covid and the lockdowns and all that stuff?

And they go, no, there's some bumpy ground in front of us there. It's cobbled floor. Well, I... Oh, my God, the wind has just blown my calendar off the wall is that an omen have all those peanuts that was the peanuts fallen to the floor as well wasn't it my picture of aquaman has been crushed that's awful oh another thing about the beast i read was that um there's a hotline in the back to the vice president and the pentagon right that's what it says i'm not sure in cornwall i'm not sure they've got 4g still i'll be i'm glad to know that all the world's bad guys know that he hasn't

bought the beast he's just bought like a four by four um so now is the time to know that all the world's bad guys know that he hasn't bought the beast. He's just bought like a 4x4. So now is the time to press that nuclear button, one could argue, because he's not in the nuclear-free zone, as I think Jonah Louie described it. It's nice that we're still in the G7. We're sort of clinging on a bit, but I like it. Didn't he used to be the G8? What did I miss?

Well, I'm afraid Russia had their membership revoked because they were a little bit naughty. Oh, I wish I'd got my jingle. The soul's group. They made up the eight, did they? They did. I'm afraid they're no longer welcome at the moment. They've done a slight Jerry Halliwell.

And gone and... I don't mean they've become ambassadors for... Was she a UN ambassador or something? Yeah, UNICEF. I wonder what car she got for that job. Anyway. I wonder what car she got for that job. Anyway, yeah, so Biden is in Cornwall and I'm sure he'll be kept safe and he'll be in bed by about nine o'clock most nights,

I would have thought. He travels with a complete box set of last of the summer wines, which he knows virtually. play that bit where the old woman is in the bathtub again i mean sometimes they just let the beast freeway freewheel down a country hill and into a canal at the bottom just for old time's sake biden with his rolled down wellies sticking out the rear window. But really only, that's only their downtime. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Don't text the show today. We're not live. I'm sorry, but circumstances. However, you can contact us on Twitter and instagram on no does one say on anyway um frank on the radio is the thing that you put in and also yeah at frank yeah it's got that you know that cumberland sausage symbol that's frank on the radio and then you can contact us through the absolute radio website you can see why through the Absolute Radio website. You can see why I have this written down when I'm in the studio.

But you get, I'm sure you got all the information in there. And sometimes it's nice, isn't it, to feel a bit of humanity in a message rather than just feel it's been delivered via an autocue or something. Exactly. That's why I love Doctor Who.

Oh. Oh. I know. And I'm in mourning for missing the Dragonfire screening and you're twisting the knife. Oh, Frank, do you know I need to be more supportive to you towards this whole Doctor Who thing? Because it's a big passion of yours and, you know, I have an enormous amount of respect for sci-fi.

No, you do not. This is the woman who was in Day of the Triffids, biting the... What would it be? The tendril that fed you. Can I say continues to feed me. I got a lovely little royalty check

the other day. Thank you. Excellent. Did you really? I like the idea of you spending it at the local garden centre, thus keeping the theme going. I still get royalties for my Doctor Who performance. Ka-ching. I should hope so.

I don't... I mean, it's, you know, it's peanuts, but I just like seeing the words on my... I don't like this. On whatever you call those things that tell you what you've earned. For more relatable content, keep listening. A lot of people are self-employed nowadays. They haven't all been in major sci-fi classics.

I'll give you that. What were you going to tell us, Frank, about your journey to the theatre? Oh, yes. Well, I was still a free man before I got app slapped. I was on the south bank of the Thames. Nice spot. And I arrived a bit early

because I'd sort of forgotten how to move about town on public transport. So I got there early. I got me dark fruits, purdies. I was sitting drinking that on a bench. A bloke came up to me and said, wee, football's coming home, sat next to me and took a couple of photos.

He'll be getting the message on his app. The men singing football's coming home illegal this week, haven't they? It's been advised against in public houses. Oh, really? Oh, because you generate spores. You spray all that stuff out, don't you? Oh, yeah. Lurky, whatever it is that we're all worried about.

Oh, well, you know, we had a good run. Yeah. So I'll tell you what i saw i saw um you know my favorite youth subculture is the goths and i saw a very if i may say this in 2021 a very beautiful young goth woman it was i mean you can you know all in black and And it was a summer night. So, Sol's full leather coat or any of that. But the very elaborate makeup and all that. And the white face. She looked really amazing.

And she was walking hand in hand with her boyfriend. And he was wearing like a sort of Fred Perry shirt, jeans and trainers. And I thought, oh, no. I thought, no, that can't. I mean, I think race, creed, politics, all, you know, no barrier to a relationship. But if someone is pursuing a youth subculture look like that, they have to have someone else who's in the same groove. It just looked like she'd been arrested.

Like he was a sort of store detective. I don't know where goths do their stealing. Camden Market, mainly. Yeah, maybe. i don't think they have store detectives at camden market i think you just um drowned you drowned outside near the lock um yeah and i just thought it seems that just seems so wrong and what was she doing is there not enough goths around now that people have had to start marrying out? It really unsettled me.

Not as much as being quarantined for a week, but even so, it's my last memory of the free world. Is freedom gone wrong? Friendship on Absolute Radio. I read something absolutely disgusting this week which was it by D.H. Lawrence?

no no I'm just trying to narrow it down before I do my big guess I'm just trying to I was actually alright with that this is something which I do need to

run past you both as um men there's no easy way to raise this there was a debate sparked by a man on twitter claiming that no man wears a pair of underwear just once before washing them. He went on to suggest that men wear underwear up to at least ten times, ten times before washing their pants. Now, I will take comments from the House shortly, but a lot of men, we should say in in their defense were outraged by this suggestion and there was one gentleman his official statement i believe on the matter was no man that's just you uh frank skinner one thing um if you'll forgive me a slight preamble one

thing i've always loved and i've always thought I wish I had a little factory that could knock these things out for me and what I'm talking about is what I like to call the hitman suitcase and the hitman suitcase is like if you're watching a film about let's say Carlos the jackal he gets into a hotel and he has an attache case and when he opens it up he has he hasn't just got a gun and that in it but he's got a thing a sort of a i don't know what that's sort of plastic um and it's got exact shapes for where the silencer fits and the shoulder support oh yeah and and they fit i i used to have a thing called the man from uncle suitcase, which had got exactly that.

And I've always thought, oh, I'd love more cases that had got exact compartments that take things like that. I think if you wore the same pants for 10 days, that's what the pants would be like. You'd have to put everything in exactly the right. 10 days. That's what the pants would be like. You'd have to put everything in exactly the right shapes that had formed. Nothing would move about. You'd be great in transit.

You'd definitely know if you dressed to the left or if you dressed to the right. Yeah. All that. You'd be imprinted. It would be like a 3D version of the Turin Shroud. Your imprint would be on it and it would form a Hitman attaché case interior in which you placed your gear. Yeah.

Well, I happen to know that you're immaculate, Frank, because I have that on very good authority. It's almost like when people use a memory foam mattress. Yes. Yes, I happen to know that you're immaculate, Frank, because I have that on very good authority. It's almost like when people use a memory foam mattress. Yes. Yes, exactly that. That's what this would be like. Memory foam pants for the forgetful male would be the, that would be the bill matter for the forgetful male. So does it, do I, do I? Oh, no, there it is. You are immaculate well yes this is one of the few compliments my partner ever gives me is that i'm very clean and um it wasn't always the case when

i was i remember during school holidays at school i would i would wear the same socks for the whole school holiday i found that if you wear them for six weeks, it is possible to get them on the wrong feet. And they're actually uncomfortable because they've become like small shoes that you wear. So, but pants, I draw the line at pants and sometimes on them, but not deliberately. And sometimes on them, but not deliberately. We're talking about men's underpants here on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. Of course. The idea that someone on the internet said that men,

and not just talking about himself, but said that men in general will happily wear the same pair of pants for 10 days. Yes. That is the cut-off point. And I'm guessing they probably do have to be cut off. I liked one detractor said, Sir, that is just you. It all went a bit William Gladstone debating Disraeli.

I always like a bit of Sir at the beginning of the sentence very 18th century in fact I am inclined to wear as you may recall pants known as Calvin Classics which are the pirate

version of Calvin Clines but they are a real bargain I mean you can get a three pack for like two quid that sounds like a bargain and you couldn't get two pack for three quid can i say you can get a two pack i've never seen them i've i've never seen them for sale anywhere oh yeah you get them on um market stalls brighton the uh the mark the street market in Brighton you can always get some Calvin classics and you, they

what happens with them is that the elastic waistband separates from the rest of the pant a bit like, you know when you see those 1950s film premieres and they've got an enormous giant cutout of say Marilyn Monroe and then they sort of tear the

covering paper off it and there she is that's how they in in the end they just they sort of fall off you the Calvin uh why don't you use that elastic waistband for your iron man mask that would be that's a good idea that is a brilliant but it has got Calvin classics written all the way around it. But maybe that doesn't matter. What I want when I'm attaching something to my head is elastic that has previously been around my waist. That's perfect. Well, I'm taking that as a compliment, really.

Except, of course, I have got... A woman told me I'd got the biggest head in show business apart from Benny Hill. And that sounds like she was talking about my personality, but she was fitting a wig at the time. And she was and she'd worked with the elephant man. He was he was fine. But he didn't use all the holes on the baseball cap. Yeah. He didn't use all the holes on the baseball cap.

Yeah, he wasn't older, like me. Can we please address Al? Because he strikes me, Frank, as... He strikes me as a clean type, but I suspect he gets through a lot of washing powder because he's very active, if you know what I mean. Reasonably active. I actually surprise myself on reading this because I very rarely find myself disgusted

by other people's habits. But when I saw 10, I thought, oh, that's a bit much mate, come on. Now, I agree with that. I mean, I think this guy might have been camping. Maybe he's just been camping for all of his adult life. But I think two days maximum on a boxer short but even then i would wear them mostly for less than that you know socks i think is a different story i you know occasionally they get to three oh no i couldn't do that just do it no i generate I generate fluid at the base. Do you?

I couldn't. Yeah, I have socks every day. Pants. You know what? If I have a late shower. What fluid? Are we allowed to know that? Sweat. I don't want to know.

I don't want to know. You've got some special guttering going down. I don't want to know the fluid. I need you. I really don't want to know the fluid. I wear Odoritas slip-ons. I don't want to know the food. I wear odorators slip-ons. I don't. Did I tell you how we lived with a guy at university

and he was a smelly guy, but we couldn't tell him. So one of the guys did a prank letter to odorators asking if they, from him, asking if they could make him a suit. And they replied from him, asking if they could make him a suit. And they replied to him saying you couldn't really make a suit out of Odreta's because the seams would be difficult to do with the stitching and all that.

He was, I hadn't done it, can I say, but he was profoundly hurt by it and didn't see any of the comedy in it whatsoever. Oh dear. Anyway, music. Frank Skinner. Anyway, music. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I have

a question. A question I don't feel in all decency I can put to Emily, but I feel I can put it to you, Al. This is, dare I use the phrase, a ballpark figure what how many

how many pants would you say you owned how many oh that's a good question because I mean I don't want to precise

I well I have different pants for different occasions as you know I like to it's informal

a formal military pant for reunion parties yeah I've got opening ceremony pants all that sort of stuff oh dear but I like a more lycra-y pant

for exercise activities as you say bald man figure I'm going to go 20 I think 20 is plenty We're talking 20 can I just establish purely for research purposes 20 pants on rotation

Oh no I wear them all at once I put them on No what I'm saying is I presume at some point you retire these pants No I think that is the expose about men and pants not i think 10 10 days is incorrect but i think the keep i i've got i'd

say i've got about 20 pairs of pants i would be surprised if three of those haven't got holes in them they've nearly all got holes in. And that's why I can wear them for two days because often I'm operating directly against trouser. I'm not touching the pants at all. Yeah. But I'd never, I can't remember, apart from the Calvins when they completely separate,

the classic separator, the elastic, I will wear them for for infinity and beyond as i believe buzz like the pants are not for life i have a pair of cotton boxer shorts and the inner elastic on them is now going quite bobbly and and hard so i felt like i was getting a lower back scratch the other day and the next time i went to wear them, I just turned them inside out and put the cotton against my skin. Clever. Yeah. I'm just trying to work out.

I'm just trying to work out whether mine would operate reversed. I'm just trying to work out the door, how the door works on it. But anyway, well, that is interesting um speaking of boxer shorts um kath my partner said to um my my nine-year-old son the other day and i was fascinated by this and it shows a little we know about each other's underwear um male and female, because she said to him, shall I put your winter pants away now and just leave out your summer pants? Oh.

And Buzz said, well, I don't know which is which. And I said, I've got to say I don't either. And she imagined that boxer shorts were winter pants because they have more coverage and the briefs were for summers because they um let the sun shine in as i think um the cast of hair once sang um i don't think that's true is it i don't think that's true, is it? I don't think boxers are anything to do with climate. No, I think it's all to do with activity. Yes. And I always assumed briefs were just more the sort of the Simon Cowell type of lifestyle.

Maybe you know it better than we do. I think, creaky, I think a brief will hold a protector better than a boxer. That's my motto and I'm sticking with that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I have a further and perhaps my final pants question of the morning.

And I think I can safely ask you this as well emily because it's not um it's to do with pants and not in situ as it were oh yeah um okay when i remove pants and i don't know i've never seen anyone else do this and i'm keen to know if it's a commonplace. When I remove pants, I always, as they fall to my feet, kick them up in the air so they spin into the air and then catch them. I've never stooped to pick up pants. Certainly not my own. Yeah, I always kick them into the air and catch them.

That's how I... Now, do you do that, Al? I sometimes have a go at that, but sometimes when I'm removing the pants, I'm so exhausted I haven't even got that level of athleticism left in me. At the end of the day, I've always held a bit back for the pants. Yeah, I mean, I think actually that's what's kept you so limber over the years. That's why you could still drop into a chorus line without too much training.

Can I say one is a singular sensation? Yeah, well, I've dropped into the greater part of a... Yeah, I haven't done a whole chorus line. I think I want... No. No, no, no. If you're saying no, the answer is no. So you've never done that, Em? No, I do the Peter Crouch.

And I just, I could never do that. It just seemed a bit flamboyant. I just bend down. But I'm on my own, yeah but why what what is the what do you achieve by kicking the pants in the air it's quicker yeah and it's something i like i don't have much flamboyance left and also i it's a sort of it lets me know that i'm still, I've still got it, if you know what I mean. Yeah. The day I can't do that, I shall be off to Switzerland. I think that's my plan.

I think it's a test of, you know, I've still got my mojo working, as it were. Well, you've just unfettered it when you removed your pants, haven't you? I would say, again, without going into too much detail, the lady's action is different. It's slightly more of a shimmy, the pant removal. Oh, yeah. That concludes... I haven't shimmied since the 80s. I see. OK.

You don't kick them into the air and catch them ever. No. I've just never do that. Well, thanks for being so honest about it. Yeah, try it at home. I mean, if you've got an elaborate chandelier, I would move away from there. I don't think we've ever given each other homework,

but this is fun. It's that little pants-related homework. I've got some... Actually, I've got some pants homework I've got to do before I go out. Sorry. Can you open the skylight? Try.

I bet you many of our readers do the pants kick and catch at the end of the day okay well i look forward to fielding that correspondence i'm certain of it now is is there out else before we as we move to the end we probably are just about there now aren't we we are um it's it's been um it's always, I never feel we give out, you know, I really sold myself on a pre-record, but I think it's all right. We got away with it and I'm following the app. And so I should get surely some credit for that.

Look, my quarantine expires at one minute to midnight on Wednesday so God willing if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now well I won't be getting out but I think you should