The Frank Skinner Show - Previously Loathed

Episode Date: November 20, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a question about second-hand clothes and takes issue with odd socks. The team also discuss Aldi’s Ebanana Scrooge, the Sports Direct house and the popularity of paperweights.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. People hate it when I do that. You can text the show on 812. I can't imagine why. No, I don't know, why are people so touchy? Salivarists. Was that an old sitcom with their reviews? The Salivarists. The Salivabirds? I'm going to write that tonight.

The Salivabirds. About people who take oral swabs to women who do that. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean Ellen Cochran text us on 81215 follow the show on Twitter

and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I'm still not happy

with on I think it's going to be one of your idea heavy shows do you think I hope so I hope so write them down it's going to be one of your idea-heavy shows. Do you think? I hope so. I hope so. Write them down. You never know, do you? One of these days, it's going to be,

I'm going to hit pay dirt. Yeah. As they say in the mining, in the gold mining industry. Yeah. What about, I started this morning doing a sort of real-life buzzcocks on Frank. I sung a tune out, and I think he cracked the cut. I think you worked it out for me, didn't you?

Well, you did a good thing, because you didn't really sing the tune. You did the sort of skeletal framework of it. It was like just, you know when you just listen to a bass guitar or something, and you have to pick out what? Yeah, I think I did it very well. Do you want to do it? Okay, just in case I've got it wrong we'll see what you think yeah don't don't worry about that wrong is the new right okay this is how it goes we think it's the jam but this is how it goes

there you go definitely it's got the jam written all over it. Yeah. I can feel the enclosure of a tight mohair suit as you do it. Nice. If anyone knows, though, can confirm, please tell me. Frank, can I... I thought it was that's entertainment, but goodness knows I've been wrong before.

It's a bit like, what's the one that goes, what you see is what you get? Oh, yes. It is that? That's what it is. you see is what you get? Oh, yes. It is that? That's what it is. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, well, you've ruined the competition. And the prize for our listeners was £50,000. But I've ruined it. That's fine. That's fine. It's gone. It's probably best we keep that. Yeah.

Share it between us. Well, I think we'll keep it for a rainy day. You never know when you might need £50,000. Just checking the weather forecast. Yeah. That it between us. Well, I think we'll keep it for a rainy day. You never know when you might need 50 grand. Just checking the weather forecast. I'm still laughing at the concept that that's a competition. That would be a great competition. What's Emily singing? Emily singing,

what you see is what you get by the jam. Anyway, you didn't say make me a winner when you answered the phone so you can't win a competition on Absolute if you don't say that. You're such a fool though. Frank, guess what we also would like to share with you. We've had a really exciting

tweet this morning. I think this might be an honour of your forthcoming appearance at the Palladium this weekend for Absolute Radio. 15th of November, honor of your forthcoming appearance at the palladium this weekend um absolute radio uh 15th of november 1995 michael aspel surprised at frank on the radio on stage after a live show to present him with this is your life big red book 26 years on and the second series of shane remains unreleased there'll be people listening to this maybe don't even know what this is your life is used to be a program where um amongst other people but at that point michael aspel the uh the presenter i remember my dad used as an example of um how it's possible to get on without being able to do anything

um oh yeah i'm quite i mean unfairly i think yes he said to that ass boy said he's you know he's on the bandwagon he can't do anything but he's on the bandwagon anyway um so that's what i did i took his advice and but yeah he he used to um surprise people and then tell them about their life which was someone who'd had my drinking habits i was glad of the uh update because i'd forgotten most of it but it was great it was a brilliant night the show started at 1 30 a.m on stage at the uh at the london palladium guests including your friend, the Rosses, actually. Anyway, I'm Basil Brush. Drunk.

We've had confirmation of the jam, the jam challenge, as we call it on here. We've had a lot of people, haven't we, Al, getting in touch, telling us it is, or confirming, I should say, Ruth Jordan, for example, the song I was... Well, what was I doing, Frank? I was calling it doing a buzzcocks, but I was humming the...

It was sort of the bass line of it. It's Ruth Jordan, it's Start by the Jam. I claim the 50k. Yeah, unfortunately, like I say, Al already scoffed at the financial price. Sorry about that, but well done. We didn't know the actual title. No, we didn't.

Start. Start, yeah. Yeah. Not good enough, really, as a title. I don't think we should give that 5050,000 to charity, by the way. Either we should distribute it amongst us three or Absolute should just keep it and put it back in the coffers for the next tax year.

Yeah, you never know. They might be glad of it. 569, morning, guys. It's the baseline for the jam, start, and Taxman, the Beatles. That's from Dazza. Oh, yeah. You try doing it and I'll try singing Taxman, the Beatles. That's from Dazza. Oh, yeah. OK. Well, you try doing it and I'll try singing Taxman.

Whenever I sing the Beatles, for some reason, I sing them about five times more scouse than they actually sound. I'm looking forward to this. OK, here we go. One, two, three. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Let me tell you how it will be. Taxman, there's one for you, 19 for me. You know what? I think it does. Anyone still listening? Well, four people are still listening. Two of them are dead. Yes, it's the Beatles, ladies and gentlemen, out there listening to that tribute.

I always thought that Ringo should have been given more lead vocals. Yeah. So even on the big moving ones, you'd be getting, Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away. That would have been, that would have been marvellous.

Right, so. We've also, can I share this? Oh, no. No, go on. Share. Share. Frankie Howard and share in the same impression. Colin has got in touch. Stopped us

in our tracks. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Having spent the last two weeks in hospital, I hope you better, Colin, I've been able to catch up on several podcasts of the shows I've missed from your good selves. In one such episode, you were talking about the venerable bead. I mean, Colin's had me at venerable bead.

This immediately made me chuckle as I was reminded of a fellow I work with who always called the ex-England manager, Terry Venables, Terry Venables. We then obviously always called him the venerable Venables, which led me to think of could any football managers fit the bill now being called venerable? On another note, the same fella used to call the speaking clock every day to set his watch does anyone still use that service and does it still exist thank you colin um yes a lot to unpack colin i remember this i remember the speaking clock when it was naked it was non-sponsored and it was just uh it just said it and then it got i think was it sponsored by

accurist used to say the time sponsored by accuracy you thought wow the time has got a sponsor wasting a few seconds before giving you the all-important time yeah we'll be talking about dial a disc in a minute we better we better cut'd better cut this now before I turn into Dennis Norton. Oh, I've got a question actually for you two. Oh, yeah? Especially, yeah, I don't know if you think of, Em, you think of yourself as being with it don't you? You're very with it

are you with it? What would you say? No I'd like to rule myself out of any with it chat but let's have a go You'll remember a few weeks ago my gardener told me precisely when the garden office craze began that was in 2012 2012 i believe

yeah um when did the the term second hand get replaced by previously loved i've noticed it about quite a bit now yeah previously loved clothing I saw on a shop thing. Yes, and it even gets abbreviated pre-loved. Pre-loved I don't like the sound of at all. No. No, that sounds very clinical. And also I'm... Yes, I've had our dog pre-loved.

Best to get it. Sorry, I'll carry on. If we're being brutally honest, I've had our dog pre-loved. Best to get it. Sorry, I'll carry on. If we're being brutally honest, some things that end up on those auction sites, they're not previously loved. Like I've sold a jumper because it's really itchy or something like that. Previously loved?

It could actually. Yeah, exactly. Despised. It's not a good seller, though, is it, to say previously loved. That's going to get people suspicious about it. Do they use it on dating sites, previously loathed? Oh, previously loathed, definitely. I've used that on a dating site.

I think most of us have been previously loathed and previously loathed. Which the most do you think you've been? Be totally honest. Loathed. Oh, that's so nice, Frank. I'm not saying I haven't had my loathing, but that's always the end bit. Yeah.

And it's hard to keep up loathing for a long period of time, I think. It's quite hard work. It is, isn't it? Because you remember snacks and stuff. Like, you're right in the middle of it, and then you go, oh, I could have some malt loaf or a yoghurt.

I don't actually ever think I could have some malt loaf. Don't you? Is that a thing you do? Sorrene. I like it. Do you go, Sorrene? I like it a lot, yeah. Sorrene.

With that sort of very stylised pictures of grain on the thing. Also, Sorrene, have you ever considered branching out? I mean, it's lovely that you're doing well with the malt loaf, but they don't seem to do any other products. The man cannot live by malt loaf alone. Do they? What else do they do?

There's like banana loaves and there's like little fruit loaves sometimes. Oh, man. Only loaves. They're mainly in loaves. There's no two ways about it. Well, you know, I think... They're not good at any fishes,

just loaves. Loaf specialists. What are it. Well, you know, I think it's... They're not good at any fishes, just loaves. Loaf specialists. What are you, I'm in the loaf business. Of course, I was in the loaf business for many years when I was on the doll. When my day differed from my night only inasmuch as a couch differs from a bed. Oh. Lovely.

So, yes, I'm interested to know about Previously Loved and where it came from and when. Well, as I say, pre-loved, I've come across that. And there is a clothing website. Well, there's a pre-loved website where, yeah, and it is essentially second hand clothes yes, vintage is another one isn't it vintage

vintage what does that mean it's another website that sells pre-loved stuff, oh ok I trust Alan I don't want anything that's been pre-loved I hope it's been pre-loved. I hope it's been washed afterwards.

Awful. On the other thing of dates of social phenomenon, when did the garden centre become a vibrant hub of the local community? It used to be a place. You know. Also, Frank, that's up there with, you know, we've talked about this before, shops that have no business selling certain items. Yes.

I mean, garden centres. Garden centres. No, but people, they have cafes and playgrounds. I mean, for Pete's sake. That's why I used to go there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That's why I used to go there. Don't forget this morning's texting. When did you last use a paperweight?

Just move further from the window if you need a paperweight. I mean, when did you last use one, Al? I don't know if I've ever used one. I think I've definitely used a makeshift paperweight, I mean when did you last use one Al? I don't know if I've ever used one, I think I've definitely used a makeshift paperweight something else, as a paperweight It's people like you that are putting people in the paperweight industry out of work

I've had a few emails saying that Yeah, you want to think on? I only ever think the paperweight has just become a sort of smoking gun in a thriller, really, hasn't it? It's always the murder implement. Yeah, but I've got one. Of course you have.

It's a stone. It's like a painted stone. And I don't think I've ever used it to actually stop paper moving around, which I believe it's for. I don't, you know, unless you live next to a psychokinesis centre, when does it move around? What makes it move? Do people have all their windows open? I mean, do you put your paperweight away when the winter months come?

Because, you know, the windows are going to be shot. You don't need it. To hibernate yes and when summer one of the first things of the when summer comes is the paperweight comes back out ready for the open window it's crazy for many years i had a lovely paperweight it was i think it was a pansy in resin oh do you know they like them a see--through. I looked some up on the internet and they were all the brand names of companies set in glass. Oh, you know.

I don't want for all your home heating requirements. You know, I was so depressing on that. You want some sort of... I like those... You know, you can get those inspirational ones that have a message like... Oh. Do you know,

I saw one that said, don't let your dreams be dreams on a paperweight. I like that. I have to let my dreams be dreams. There are certain laws of the land one has to observe.

Yeah. He means mainly traffic laws before people complain. Of course. I mean, you're right, though. That's highly impractical advice. It is. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I don't know if you couldn't legally... I don't want a shark driving my car. What about if I did defecate in the shopping centre wearing just a pyjama jacket. Could I say, as evidence, could I take up this inspirational paperweight into court and say, Your Honour, exhibit A. It's specifically instructed to turn my dreams into a reality.

It's not a paperweight. It's not like it's casual chit-chat. Somebody's enclosed it in some sort of see-through material. What did you say yours was it? Resin. Resin. Fantastic. What was the other one I saw?

Well done is better than well said. Oh. Try telling that to Salt Bae in a steakhouse. Yeah. So it's not a big, it's not a helpful radio advice, is it? It's never going to happen. That is the, what is talk radio? That is their slogan.

Anyway, if you've got any exciting thoughts on paperweights, do text us. That's why we're here. I like to think. Great business idea because you could use any you could use things that are no longer used and use them turn them into paperweights pre-loved things pre-loved yeah I don't think it work with videos Iona Faz says, I still have the pansy and resin.

Oh. So we were talking about paperweights, and I said earlier that had been my paperweight of choice. Yes. And Iona had clearly the same one. Pansy and resin. Hmm. I love it. I think the fact that we're now doing an extended discussion of paperweights perhaps

answers the earlier question, are we with it? Yes. Maybe you said, are you with it? Yeah, but I don't know if they've gone away. And now we're discussing this modern technology paperweights. I think they might be a bit more widespread than you think. I think they're just under the

radar rather than disappeared i don't think it's whatever happened to the window yeah exactly they need to be under them i suppose if you were what about if you if you were a bit of a commitment phobe um on the scrapbook front so you didn't they use paperweights just to hold everything it seems the scrapbook being phased out what a shame oh I'd say what I'd I'd like to ask you how do you feel about odd socks?

how do you think I feel? well I my partner Kath and I've said we had a debate this morning about what you should call the person you go out with if you're not married.

There was one that made me ill. I don't even know if I can say it on the radio. It makes me sick. Was it significant other? No, it was lover. No. Oh, sickening. No, well, I wouldn't say, I wouldn't describe.

Well, I wouldn't. Anyway. It's very I'm so French. I always gag a little bit when people say better half or other half. I don't like it. I, yes. Anyway, so Kath regularly, and I mean, I'd say every day, wears odd socks. This is the thing.

She just, she said, I don't know why people have this thing about you know i like my feet to be dressed alike i just like it but i can't put on odd socks that i'm it's on my mind all day she wears i mean it's a regular just thing just lighting up man lighting up, it's not right. There's a reason they're made for a pair. And also, she wears things inside out a lot. Oh, yeah. I mean, a lot. I don't mind that. What do you mean? You know, so a jumper with, you know, the raised seam,

the raised inner, so you look like the Frankenstein monster because you've got all these terrible stitch lumps that so she'll have hot socks and an inside out jumper I mean

and when I it's strange where the the inside out jumper makes sense because then the raised bits aren't rubbing against you they're just

well then why why are they there at all also well that's a great texting I don't want to see the internal workings of the no I don't want to see the internal workings of the chemise. No, I don't want to see the label, the washing instructions.

That's your business. Anyway, I asked her. I finally got round and said, is it so much trouble to put on matching socks and have your jumper the right way out? It's not just jumper. Tops, trousers, inside out. And she said... Trousers! jumper tops trousers inside out and she said that's not an exaggeration everyone she wears like a casual what gap gap trousers

in every sense of the word and And I asked her and she said, oh, I don't have time for all that. How much time are we talking about? About putting on a pair of socks and putting clothes on the right way round. How much time is that? Also, discuss all that. Exactly.

You know that area of life, of putting matching socks and having things the right way around? Yeah, don't. I'd like to know what our readers think of this, because, I mean, I genuinely, I just think it would have been so easy to put a pair on. And now our son started wearing odd socks, and this is, of course, what's happened.

Serenditary. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show on... and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show on

Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Normally speaking we receive praise but we don't read it from text messages I'm going to break that little contract Don't

I think it's worth doing because I think it's an interesting event. OK. Skinner, stop it. I'm trying to TIG weld, which requires a steady hand, but I'm in hysterics about the inside-out clothes and have just blown a hole in my workpiece. Oh, well, steady on.

We've all done it, dear. Ooh, Betty. What kind of a holellipop piece? Just one lollipop piece. What kind of welding is he doing? Tig welding. Tig, I think you said pig. The only kind of welding I know is...

Putting a Prince Albert on a pig for an exhibition. The only welding I've seen is in the movie Flashdance. Oh, is there welding in that? Yes, in Flashdance. She was a welder. I always thought it was called Flashdance because of the flash of welding. No.

Are you sure? No. You're having doubts. Yes. I sense doubt. I am having doubts, Frank. I am. doubts right I am baby it is

you know the you know the the welders do you think they watch Flashdance because that's the film that they're most featured in yeah

you know you know what I remember now hold on I've just had a I have had a flashback see what I remember I remember a welding now in the film.

I just had that. Yes. Sorry, Al. Something sparked your memory, didn't it? Oh. Sorry about that. We've had a number of people getting in touch about Kath, your partner, and the odd socks phenomenon i believe kath's her justification for

it was frank was oh i don't have time for all that yeah one thing i would say about kath is one thing i am certain of is there would be some people who might deliberately wear odd socks to establish themselves as a colourful character. But with Kath, I know it'll be what is next to her. So if there's two even socks, matched socks, she would wear them, but there never are. Because once you start wearing odd socks, they never get a chance to pair up.

Yeah. Because their partner's always in the wash when they aren't etc because anyway what's the verdict we've had so many people getting in touch regarding odd socks mark parker there are that many people in my house to pair them would take hours no No time for that. Really? There's always a matching pair in the drawer to match the unmatched socks. I see. OK.

There's an element of laziness here, isn't there? No disrespect to old Mark Parker. What was that? What was his name? Mark Parker. Mark Parker. I thought it was Mark Parker. OK.

Robin's Nest has said it's fine as long as you go to a house where you... As long as you go to a house where they make you take your shoes off, unless you go to a house... Don't, don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do some stand-up about this, about how I was fine with wearing odd socks in terms of pattern, but I didn't like it if one was really thick and one was really thin,

so I didn't try to match up the ply. That was the phrase I used. Very good point. Imagine wearing a walking holiday sock with an ankle. A hiking sock? You know those deception socks, the ones that go underneath the trainer so you pretend you're not wearing socks?

They make me ill. That's my absolute deal breaker in a human being. It's a lie. They're wearing a lie. They're ugly. Because they're telling the world they're not wearing socks, whereas secretly they are. Is that right? Not in my eye.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Baby. Okay. What's that? It was a new baby. It was a new baby, yeah. I tell you what I haven't hit yet today. Outside world, outside world.

Oh, the outside world outside world the outside world there's probably a profound um radio philosophical theory being broken by referring to our readers stroke listeners as the outside world i think the idea is that you have to make them think like they're in the studio with you i think i've done it now That would be a blurring of the lines. Yeah, exactly. Also, it's not that big, is it? You know, I saw what they do on the terraces, but once they're on the pitch, we're entitled to police that.

Yeah. That's what Rodney Marsh, the Australian wicketkeeper, said, having grabbed a streaker in a violent fashion. Can we return to the pressing matter of socks? Sparked off by Kath, your partner's extraordinary revelation

that she doesn't bother to match her socks up because she doesn't have time for all that. 930, hello I absolutely agree with old socks I have a sock bag

I'll just pull two random socks out Oh this makes me this hurts me and put them on Who on earth said socks have to match

Socks are not the boss of me I wear what I want Wow I love I'm constantly fascinated by what people identify as their maverick

characteristics but it's an inter i mean i can see the artist might be setting my alarm not ever on the hour or five past or ten past because it's always 11 minutes past or four minutes too yeah but i just think they look nicer don't they matching socks well some agree but again linda from cambridge i think odd socks and inside out clothes would be very liberating i could not do it myself but i envy those who do i like i could not do it myself. Yeah. We all must look at things that are being done and think, well, I admire it, but it's not me. She's treating it like I am Spartacus. Yeah.

It's irrespective of that level of honesty, which is so rare in the modern world. Respect her, Mundo. Indeed. We've also had, just on the welding subject, Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars, who we've also met IRL, who came to see us. Ultra Magnus says,

I used to work for a steel company in Sheffield. Good place to work for a steel company. Yes, he's then said in parenthesis, cliché. Cliché, as Frank would say, Al. All right. The welders I knew there complained about the welding in Flashdance. Oh, did they? Of course they did.

It was, in quote marks, shoddy at best. Right. And then, in quote marks, would not pass inspection. It's a great joy of life, if anything that you do professionally is represented in a drama or comedy, to be able to say yeah well you know i remember um there was a cricket drama about um a famous notorious tour of england and australia um the body line tour in australia and they had like a bloke who was then an english bowler called harold larder who's the fastest bowler in the world at the time

and they had the wicket-keeper standing up to the wickets because it was a better shot of him next to the batsman. And there was a lot of people at the cricket club I played for at the time saying, do you see them standing up to Larwood? I mean, they loved it. They just loved it. So it's a joy. I know someone who dated quite a lot of make-up artists and would say that you'd be watching

Schindler's List and they'd say look at the shine on that and wardrobe people they'd say did you see and it would be some amazing drama and they'd say I didn't like the colour on that I think you're trapped

you're trapped. You're trapped in it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So last week we were talking about Christmas adverts. We were? Yes. John Lewis and the alien invasion. We should probably just say that we mean by that the adverts that different companies do for their Christmas campaigns rather than adverts for Christmas as in a secular society.

Have you tried Christmas? That might be a bit of a push. Yeah. They're sort of adverts for Christmas, but they're certainly angled through their own coffers. Well, we've yet to discuss the

Aldi one, which has been making headlines because it's quite Christmassy, which is kind of weird that that would be a big headline for a Christmas album. They've almost over-Christmas the Christmas pudding now. I think they might have.

It's quite a sort of a Dickensian style Christmas carols type vibe and it features Marcus Rashford, MBE. Yeah, but it also, as well as being Dickensian Christmas carol, the background music is Fairytale of New York. Right. And there's a bit where the boy in it is flown, or is it the carrot is flown over a Christmas dinner. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, very snowman-like. So they've really gone for a Christmas great. Also, somewhat a bit, I don't know, is it a tactful thing to fly a carrot over a Christmas dinner? Yeah, probably that carrot's quite stressed by that sight. Such a big part they have as well, the carrots. I mean, when people talk about Christmas dinner, how far down the list do they mention carrots?

Do you know what? I'd say it's below parsnips. It's chorus. It's chorus in Les Mis. Chorus? I'd say it's triangle in the orchestra pit. Oh, yeah. No disrespect to any choral performers in Les Mis

or any triangle players. Or carrots, indeed. Now, listen. They've called this character, because as you say, it is a Christmas carol, they've called it a Christmas carrot. Maybe they wanted to get off early for Friday night, I don't know. I'm all right with it.

No, come on. Because the story centres on, obviously, Ebenezer Scrooge. No, not Kevin, Ebenezer Scrooge. Kevin. No, not Kevin. Ebenezer Scrooge. Kevin the Carrot is the name of the character. I would say the narrative thrust is Ebenezer Scrooge. I would say Kevin the Carrot is a

bit part player in this because it's about his narrative arc. It's his trajectory. I think he's the continuity though, isn't he? Because wasn't he in their advert last year, Kevin the Carrot? I know he is. They've committed to Kevin the Carrot on a long-term contract. And they're stuck with him.

He's been hijacked by Mark Kermode for the film analysis. I've got a quip. I'm trying it out. Ed needs a Scrooge. They've called him a banana Scrooge. Very clever. Yeah. Really? Well, he's a Scrooge. They've called him a banana Scrooge. Very clever. Yeah. Really?

Well, he is a banana. What else? I think you two as comics. Marcus Rashford is Marcus Radishford in it. Oh, is he? Yeah. He's a radish. I'm a bit worried about that.

The anthropomorphic thing, you know, the thing, I'm going to explain it just in case anyone does, but the idea of giving, making inanimate objects and vegetables into things that speak and that. There's a thing where you see some peas carrying some peas across the road. I imagine they're transporting their children. One of them drops off the thing. And Marcus Radishford, I have to say,

not a great first touch from him, but he eventually controls it and then wallops it into a makeshift goal. Now, if you're going to do the anthropomorphic thing, you've got to be consistent with it. You can't have living peas

and then it's all right to kick them really hard in the street. So I think they need a slight return to the drawing board on the morality of that. I mean, to get the Marcus Rashford character of all people to be kicking children in the street, it goes against everything we've learnt. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Everything we've learnt. Can we return to the subject of Ebanana Scrooge?

And Marcus Radishford. Well, I noticed something, Al. Ebanana Scrooge in the Aldi... Aldi? Aldi? I'm happy with Aldi. OK, in the Aldi. Aldi? Aldi? I'm happy with Aldi. OK, in the Aldi adverts. I noticed, I was very pleased that he still sported the nightcap. Because as we know, Scrooge does sit very much in the nightcap chair. Yes.

But I noticed something which I thought would have been very disturbing to Frank. Al. He went to bed in a dressing gown. Oh. Yeah, I was confused about that because I wondered if it was his outdoor coat because he'd been dropped in through the ceiling or something like that.

I'll tell you what worried me. It's very confusing. Well, they might have been making assumptions about the Aldi clientele and thinking these are the sort of people that haven't put the heating on yet. Sleeping in an overcoat. Do not worry me out.

I mean, Frank himself has talked about the issues he's experienced being garrotted by the belt in the night. Oh, yeah. Sleeping in a dressing gown is a nightmare. What's that going to do to a banana? What is that going to do to a banana? Well, can I mention... It's not really a neck, though.

I'm going to go back to the anthropomorphic thing because the banana... At the end of it, all the snowmen have got bananas for noses. I didn't notice that,

have they? Yeah. And they are bananas of a size... Frank and I discussed in the director's cut. We should have told you that a minute ago, Emily.

So what does a Nana think about that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, you know, if someone, if I was playing Scrooge and they were using babies as noses on the snowmen, I'd be appalled, and quite rightly.

But Ebba Nana is supposed to have learned some sort of compassion overnight. Doesn't care less about the bananas used to snowman noses. I mean, it's so many mixed messages, I can't tell you. Well, they've also, they've abandoned the concept of the Christmas past, present and future. It's too complicated.

They've chucked it all out. They haven't got that long. I know they haven't, but still, don't do it then. If you can't do it properly, don't do it. They've just said, I'm the spirit of Christmas. Yeah. Come on. What about Santa?

Santa rejects the carrot for a mince pie. It's a great example for the kids. I mean, honestly, it's a danger. I've decided it's actually dangerous. And just on a point of technicality, the spirit of Christmas, I think, is Bailey's, isn't it? Oh, is it? Oh, is it? Oh, lovely.

Was that one of their strap lines, the spirit of Christmas? Oh, it should have been that. I don't know if it's a spirit. Is it baby? It's probably not. Was it Advocat by Warnings? Which, as we know, Frank, the strap line was... Evenings and mornings, I drink warnings.

And then he'd look deep into camera and say, do you think that's OK? If only he did. Warnings. Yeah, early morning warnings. That's what I like. The reason I like Kath's inside-out vibe, if I can just briefly disappear into her wardrobe,

is that it is a sort of family tradition she's upholding of the Tatooine chic, which Sandy Mason, her mother favours, which is the slightly unfinished look, the Hessian look, and I like that. But I think her mum works at that look, whereas Kath... Somebody once described Patrick Moore, the astronomer,

as a man who looked like he'd covered himself in superglue Whereas Kath, somebody once described Patrick Moore, the astronomer, as a man who looked like he'd covered himself in superglue and then walked through a wardrobe. And there's a sense of that, but it's not going to change. I accept that. Well, it's why we love her. Now, can we see? Here's a suggestion. I think this advert with a banana Scrooge

should have been, the strap line should have been Berry Christmas. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And the reason I say that is because about two, three weeks ago I discovered for the first time that a banana is a berry. Actually classified as a berry. They can't do that, though,

because they have to pay Dave Berry if they want to do that. Do they? He's got in the rights now. Oh, I didn't realise that. For Berry Christmas. He's got anything berry he owns. On the subject of names, I did think the advertisers must be kicking themselves

when they realised that they've got Marcus Radishford, but getting England stars for Christmas adverts wasn't in vogue when Terry Butcher was a player. He would have been great for a Christmas advert. No, that's true, but I don't know if you're allowed... Don't use that picture, though. They're not allowed to use slaughtering as a Christmas activity. Yeah, fair enough, I suppose.

The actual strap line, of course, of this advert, does it stop with you guys? No. Not me, no. It's, for you to be happy, you need to be kind. Oh. Strong disagree. Well.

I'm just kidding. My problem with it is it's like some sort of cynical deal that you do. I'll be kind, but as long as there better be happiness at the end of it. My problem with it is it's like some sort of cynical deal that you do. I'll be kind, but as long as there better be happiness at the end of it. When I saw that, I was reminded of T.S. Eliot's murder in the cathedral where he says Beckett in it, Thomas Beckett says... Oh, I thought you were going to say Rob. Says the last temptation is the greatest treason to do the right deed for the wrong reason.

That's what they should have over the top of for you to be happy, you need to be kind. Yeah, that was the COVID relief strap line. Oh, brilliant. Absolutely marvellous. But not that it wouldn't work on children in need, would it? No. Well, we've established this, haven't we?

You were discussing it only on This Morning Frank, that it's got that... There's no sort of posturing, is there, with the children in need. It's sort of in love with its own naffness. It's a conscientious school event, is what it is. That's what I like. That's what I like. That's why I love it so. Just one last

thing on the Aldi advert. I do hope that next year they feature a bit more of Aldi. Like, it's nice that they put in a lot of food in this advert and it is quite like them to do some of the stuff from the middle that's just really random, like you know, a circular saw and like safety boots. They sell all some of the stuff from the middle that's just really random, like a circular saw

and safety boots. They sell all sorts of weird stuff. I didn't realise they sold circular saws. Wow. They sell all sorts of weird stuff. I saw a compressor in there the other day. Are the cans particularly stubborn, the cam of boots? I tell you what,

have they gone all garden centre on us? Oh, no, not at all. They have various specials where there'll be a garden centre feature and the next time you go there'll be like a sort of skiing kit. It's mad in the middle of hours. This is a classic case of the retail intruder, the wrong thing in the wrong shop. I've seen sofa beds in garden centres.

You are having a laugh. You're sure it wasn't garden furniture? No, it was a sofa bed. That's just been dumped. It's a terrible stain on it. Every time I see a mattress, I think... I know we all have little stains on the mattress. But what happened here?

What did you do? Open heart surgery at home? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we, I would like to go over to what I'm going to refer to as previously on this show, Corner. Okay. We don't have a jingle for that,

do we? No, we don't. We have some. I mean, we can go to the old. Remember this, baby. do we no we don't we don't we have them i mean we can go to the old remember this baby i just had a funny moment where i thought you was calling me baby oh no i don't think i've ever called there was an essential comma in there i'm not sure i've ever called anyone baby in my life have Have you ever called, would you ever use babe? Have you ever texted anyone I've ever called baby?

No, no, don't do that. Babe, that was a very 90s new lads thing, babe. Yeah, well it became the only way his Essex turned made it plural. Alright babes. All right, babes.

Yeah. It's quite catchy because I started doing it ironically and it does catch on, as so many of these terms of endearment do, don't they? I did it, Al, by mistake to my niece, my youngest niece, who was sort of eight or nine at the time, and I really liked her response. I did it in a sort of not thinking

only wears Essex way, and I said, okay, babes, and she went, can you please not call me babes? I'm not a babes, and I'm not sassy. I'm not that kind of person. Not sassy, she said, age nine. Wow. She said, I'm not that kind of person.

Well, you can start off doing these things ironically, and then they can be cool. She was right. Because I started going, shut up, when people said something I was surprised by, and then I realised be caught. She was right. Because I started going, shut up, when people said something I was surprised by and then I realised I was doing it, I just did it instinctively. Yeah.

Oh, and I must say that the, the vajazzling has caused me all sorts of problems. I've had to stop doing that. It's caused me all sorts of problems, you talking about it. Yes. Anyway, what were you going to bring up wow i mean i hope you see this i hope you'll view this as a symbol of my love i say my love for you i mean it sounds a bit dramatic it does but that's fine you know what i mean i celebrate my love for you.

By referring to Doctor Who. Oh, OK. At Pat the Badger, I mean, how Whovian is that? Pat the Badger has drawn our attention to the Doctor Who advent calendar. Have you seen the Doctor Who advent calendar? £109. Wow. Fans of the time-travelling, they've enclosed the blurb,

of the time-travelling Doctor can get stuck in to some specialist goodies from the BBC show. Treats include... Treats. Go on. I'm actually... I mean, I haven't rejected it as an advent calendar yet. OK.

I'll just... Just in case anyone missed that, treats include a TARDIS-shaped sandwich cutter. Less keen on that. And a Sontaran egg cup? Oh, yeah, I can see how that would work. Oh, listen to you all, the expert. Oh, yeah, the Sontaran egg cup.

No, the Sontarans look a bit like... Do you remember Wilfred from the Bass Street Kids who had a sort of bald head that just emerged from his jumper? They've got that. They look like an egg in an egg cup, so that one. Oh, I thought it might be like, you know, five-inch action figures. Oh, who wants that? Well, anyway.

No, so that's gone. Okay. You could have two versions of every Doctor on an advent calendar. Could you? A war Doctor's an issue. I could do without one, quite one Anyway I'd want the time machine To go to the January sales And get it half price

Well you've got Black Friday Coming up now You don't worry about The January sales I've already taken advantage Of Black Friday Have you really? Yeah

You want to tell us what with? Oh I don't I don't think I'd be very interested Do you want to know? Okay Circulator If I'm not going to be

Very interested I mean it's Dior makeup. Oh, no. Well, that's good that you got it cheap. He clapped. What was that? He clapped my Dior makeup. It's trying to seal

like so. Bring it in on Absolute Radio. We're discussing things that have been plates that have been spun on previous shows I think that's

well often I think what happens is a lot of people listen to the show on podcast and then they hear something and think oh I've got a thing about that and they send it in, it's a shame to squander those they definitely do, you're right and we've had a reader of the show

is also a writer it's a bit of an show is also a writer. It's a bit of an essay, this, but it's good. I think there's content in it. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I will start by stating I've lived in the US for the last 15 years and I'm an avid reader of the show. So already we're cracking America, guys. Yeah.

I look forward to my weekly dose of home every Saturday. That's us. Therefore, you can imagine my shock and disappointment at the besmirching of my favourite service station food venue whilst listening to this week's podcast. That's last week's. It's easy to dismiss Greggs when you walk past one every day, but when you cannot find a sausage roll for love nor money,

you soon come to realise the importance of this institution. I don't think we dissed Greggs. thought i was quite pro greg's yeah we disagree we just question their their logo is that they they continue every trip home i take with my family the first stop is the nearest greg's for a sausage roll and a cheese and onion pasty so they've cracked america i didn't realize oh... Oh, no, this is when they returned to Britain. Oh, so they're not in America. Even my American children... America!

Even my American children appreciate the flaky pastry and sumptuous filling. I told you that Kevin could write, didn't I? As further evidence, I did a quick poll amongst the expat community and Greg's was consistently in the top three things they miss about home.

Therefore, I would ask you to consider a world without Greggs before you cast aspersions. What's under your anger iceberg, Kevin? We didn't cast aspersions. And then they continue. Well, just give me a break. I'm just reading this text from my manager asking me if I'm doing

an advert for Greggs. I've got one of those as well. We're not, but let's discuss. Maybe their logo reflects a window of possibilities for those of us not fortunate enough to have a Gregg's nearby. And a quote in the words of Thomas Fuller, we never know the worth of water till the well is dry. Best regards, Kevin Gray. That was nominative determinism thomas fuller doing stuff about

water availability he was a bloke that always felt the well was half fuller oh yeah yeah definitely well that's um yeah i think it's a it's slight um i thought we were, I didn't feel I was pro or anti-Greg, because I thought I discussed it as a social phenomenon. I think I was very pro. We've also, song title punctuation we have from Andrew Baskeel from Dublin. Okay. He'll storm it. That needs something. That needs something. That needs something.

Come on, hurry. What about this? Around her neck She wore yellow ribbons She wore it in the springtime And in the month of May That was me, Alan, and Emily singing together. Yeah.

She was wondering. It turns out quite well. Dear Frank, Emily, Alan, and Emily singing together. Yeah. She was wondering. It turns out quite well. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, you mentioned the question mark at the end of Life on Mars recently. Yes. I only noticed recently that painted comma black by the Rolling Stones has a comma. I don't know why that has a comma.

Any more we haven't noticed. I love the show. I only get the podcast over here. That's Andrew Baskeel from Dublin. Now we have previously on this show discussed parentheses in song titles. I don't believe we've covered the comma. So something to think about there. I can't think of any off the top of my head I'm afraid. No there was a comma in last week's Doctor Who title and I can't remember. I can't think of any off the top of my head, I'm afraid. No, there was a comma in last week's Doctor Who title and I can't, there'll be loads of people who remember, I can't remember a comma in Doctor Who.

The cyborg's comma returneth now. Did you watch it as well? There was some Cybermen in it. If that helps. But painted black doesn't make any sense with a comma at all. I see a green door and I want it painted black.

You've got to paint it, paint it, paint it. It's not a green door, that's shaky, that's shaking Stephen. I think you'll find it was Frankie Vaughan originally. I think you'll find it was Frankie Vaughan originally. We've been, we talked about the Aldi Christmas ad. A banana. A banana. Yeah.

We've also discussed, I think we talked about the John Lewis Christmas ad not long ago. We did last week, in fact. With the sort of Zylog character. Yeah, Zilog. As I'm christening. The alien oblique human kiss. I referenced that actually. When I went to John Lewis and took advantage of Black Friday and she directed me towards some eyeshadows in Dior and she said what about these I said they're a little alien in your ad aren't they I don't want to look like that she was quite offended she said well if you put the put them all over your face well cast no shadow that's what our aces say anyway I want to talk we haven't boys talked about the Sports Direct advert, because that is the most expensive Christmas ad ever made, I believe.

Yes. Why are you laughing, Frank Skinner? Frank Skinner's got, if I was reading bad literature, it would say he had a smile playing on his lips. Well, I've read that it's the most expensive Christmas advert ever because they've got people like Jack Grealish and that don't come cheap. That's not what I've heard. I think the script probably says sports people in snow.

I mean, that is the advert. When he says sports director, it ought to be sport apostrophe S, as in sport is pretty direct, and so is this advert. There's not much to it, really. They've just got some sports people in some winter wear, and they threw snowballs and horsed around. And big nasty. If you aren't on top of all the different sports,

it does have an element of the mystery guest round on Question of Sports. Yeah. That's basically what they've spent their money on, is an expensive version of who's the mystery guest. It's so true, Al. And the rugby players, I do find it hard to distinguish the rugby players.

What they never realised on Question of Sport is the mystery guest could have just been a straight-on shot of the person and it still would have been really difficult to say who they were. So I think they've missed a bit of an opportunity. I mean, it does suggest, like I said, that sport is very direct in a blunt instrument kind of a way. What about when footballers have to deliver lines of dialogue? Oh, come on, that's my favourite thing.

I built my career on footballers delivering lines of dialogue. You did, in fact. Because they do struggle, don't they? Well, some are very natural with it, and some... Eric Cantona? And some do struggle, yeah, quite badly. Jack Grealish, it turns out, struggles. He has to say, here we go.

So if you were delivering that, you're about to kick a football into the snow, you're a very good actor, Frank. Oh, yes. You are. Give me an idea of how you'd do it. Here we go. What about that?

Jack Grealish does this. Here we go. What about that? Jack Grealish does this. Here we go. Yeah. But remember, him pushing a football out is something he does every day. Yeah, yeah. There's a great, as an old... Taking a weatherbeat and approach to it. Here we go.

There's an old documentary about West Bromwich Albion when Don Howe used to play for them. And they said, what's it like being a professional footballer? I said, you get up, you get dressed, you come into work, you get undressed,

you get dressed in something else. Then you take that off. Then you get dressed again. Then you go home. Then you get undressed. Then you go to bed. It was all, he said it all. It's all been said. undressed and you go to bed. It's all been said.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In this ad, the Sports Direct ad, they all appear to sort of live in the same house. It's a relatively modest house on a suburban street, very nice house, a bit of Brookside close. It doesn't explain, what i'm confused about is big nasty he makes an appearance in this yeah um he has sort of tracksuit bottoms on and he's struggling to put shoes on or something yeah i

don't understand i don't understand the sort of narrative trajectory, though. I'm a bit confused. Oh, God, she's gone Mark Kermode again. I can't help it. I can't help it. She's done the hair and everything. I spent hours on this one. She's wearing crepe-soled shoes as we speak.

Slippy in the winter, be careful. Surely, if ever the camera accidentally slipped down on a Mark Kermode TV review, there would be crepe salt shoes and brightly coloured matching socks. So there's 16 of these people in the house. OK. The sports people all decide to get a house together and then randomly ask Big Nasty.

I like that. Do you quite like it? Yeah, it's a bit like... What was the precursor for Popeye? Was it Fame Academy or something? Oh, yeah, yeah. It started like that. Where they all lived in the same house.

Uh-huh. You'd think, though, that a load of athletes and sports stars would know somebody who was in sport and was a landlord. You'd think they'd have run like Robbie Fowler or somebody that is sort of known for investing in property as well. Maybe Gary Neville, he's got a chain of hotels. Michael, if I remember rightly, bought his family a street.

Yeah. Quite a bit of footballer, isn't it? Yeah. And there was also,, isn't it? Yeah. And there was also, I think it all went a bit sour. I can't remember. I don't want to go into it. But there was some property in Dubai, I believe. Was there?

Some of the Liverpool gentlemen invested in. Okay. Okay. I didn't know about that. Yeah, I wonder if they not only knew someone with a house, but knew someone who could come up with an idea for an advert, rather than just have some people running about. I mean, spend that money.

You could have done a bit more money on somebody who did a script or something. Well, also, it's not like me to raise sort of a lefty comic type point, but maybe paying the actual staff of Sports Direct better instead of spending... Wow. My name's Ben Elton. Good night. You've brought down capitalism in one remark. Do you know, this film...

I didn't want to do that. This advert also has the thing I can't bear, which is when people aren't available at the same time. You know, this is another one of my strange phobias. Oh, they've all been shot separately. Oh, don't. I cannot bear it. Like, when you find out they did a video together and they couldn't be in it, I can't watch.

Knew you were waiting for me. Can't watch it. No, yeah. I mean, they should have had some of them in scenes without snow and stuff like that and just up-fronted the problem. Corner Ben is in this. Who? You may well ask. Son of legend, Nigel.

Oh, OK, yeah. You never want to keep being son of legend, comma. Once you get past 24, son of legend is a worry. I think once you're a son of legend, you're a son of legend forever, probably. You're probably right. But, you know... We're discussing the Sport Direct advert. Yes, we are.

And Big Nasty is described as overseeing proceedings, which I would say is a very loose interpretation. What sort of martial role? They chose that instead of struggling with footwear. Yeah, they should have given him a high vice for a martial role, shouldn't they? I will say this. You've been mocking its directness, but it is one of the few Christmas ads I've seen that's made me think, oh, I might buy something like that.

I think there's a garment. I can't remember if it was a tracksuit top or a coat. But there was a moment where I thought, oh, I've just been advertised to and it's worked. Whereas I didn't fancy a mince pie after I saw that alien eat one with the foil on the John Lewis one. No, I think you're right.

I think it is directing that it advertises Sports Direct and they seem to advertise a sort of positive attitude to life. With big, nasty overseeing proceedings. Yeah, exactly. Can I just say, Al, I'm interested, slash a little bit alarmed, by which item took your fancy. Was it the greelish white Tony Mortimer from East 17? Stay now, Parker.

You know what? It might have been. It might have been exactly that. I knew it was. Impractical. Well spotted. Especially when one's doing a lot of vomiting over the Christmas season. The whites, yeah.

I thought it had the same sort of production values as one of those Sky Bet promotion adverts. Right. You know, when the fun stops, stop. I wonder if anyone has been dumped yet by someone saying, listen, Steve, I'm going to be straight with you. You know what they say on the Sky Bet promotion? has been dumped yet by someone saying listen Steve I'm going to be straight with you you know what they say

on the Skybet promotion adverts well I've decided to follow their advice and it's all over between us because when the fun stops stop

anyone who's thinking of dumping someone you can have that you had a great way of suggesting breaking up with people Frank which I believe was in the manner of a chat show I was very bitter at the time

I loved it thanks for listening to us and if the good lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week and remember

when the fun stops this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio