The Frank Skinner Show - Professor Pringle

Episode Date: February 11, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had his least professional moment and thinks he has willed something into existence. The team also discuss green ink, upper middle class logo men and whether a Valentine’s Day card has ever led to anything interesting.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys.co.uk. Hi. Morning. Hi, as they say on Glee. How you doing?

I allow everyone and people with hangovers and people who've shut themselves out and are listening to this on their phone in the garden waiting for the fire brigade. Good morning. Fire brigade. Good morning to you. They still come, don't they?

I am wearing a lanyard. Yes. I don't often wear it. You've got something of the civil service about you this morning. And it says on it, Frank Skinner MBE. That's what it says on my lanyard. And dangling from my lanyard. Oh, here we go. Is, well, it's my pen of choice.

It's the four-colour original, which I've been speaking much of just lately. I should say that this was sent to me by Paul Roberts from Stockport, who's also a poet, and he sent me his poetry book as well. I want to tell you something about these four-colour pens. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, in case you haven't listened to the show recently, it's fine. Is it?

It's one of those pens that's got four slides on it, a green, black, red and blue, and you slide down the colour that you're using at that time. I found it's made my life so streamlined. I heard someone's phone. Was it mine? I bet it was mine. Shall we all take a look?

It wasn't mine. It's not great radio. It's not. Mine might be on because it was me. It's the least professional thing I've ever done. Your pen alert going off. Is it? What is the least professional thing you've ever done?

I think probably I was on a Zoe Ball show yesterday morning, so it's quite recent. And there was me paul whitehouse and stephen mangan and we all had to draw each other because stephen mangan hosts uh an art show which i used to do and so we were all drawing now i find they actually had a had a painting of a horse that I did on Taskmaster the popular radio 4 show and I painted that horse whilst whilst riding a horse channel did I say sorry obviously sorry channel 4 thank you and yeah so I was riding a horse round and round an arena and there was another horse standing nearby

and every time I went past that horse, I painted a bit more of it. I had like a canvas fitted to my saddle. Yeah. So they had that. And the point I made about it, it was actually quite a good painting of a horse. And actually, it's the best I ever rode.

I did a fabulous rising trot, which was smooth as silk. And I think one could argue that... You've changed, Frank. You've changed. If you're with the MBE, I've become very equestrian. In fact, I have a Jim Carner tomorrow. I don't know if you remember Jim Carner. He was in the Rockford Files.

Anyway, so I started to think maybe the best way to do something is to be doing something else because you don't worry so much about it. So my painting, I wasn't thinking all that now is a bit wrong. I was too busy trying to stay on the horse. And my riding, I wasn't worrying about the horse. I was worried about my painting. So they gave us this. I wasn't worrying about the horse. I was worried about my painting. So they gave us this,

and I found that very distracting, drawing Stephen Mangan, who was once described in a show I saw as looking like the donkey from Shrek, and he really does. He does. Lovely bloke. But anyway, so they were talking about the fact,

Zoe Ball said, yeah, well, you used to do Stephen's show, didn't you? You used to do the job before him. And I said, yeah, and I'm drawing away, scratching, this is the sound of me drawing, yeah, I used to do that. They actually told me,

told me I was hated on set by the crew and stuff so I left and then after I thought I don't know if I'd have come out with that if I hadn't been trying to get his nose right so yes that's certainly one of the least professional

things I've ever done Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio so yes so that was my least professional thing ever Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, that was my least professional thing ever. And pathetically, later in the show, when I realised that I'd said this thing, I said, actually, looking back,

I don't think he said I was hated on the set. I think he said disliked. As if that was going to pull me out the hole. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I found the other day a piece of paper which was tucked in another book. And it had a couple of ideas for this show. Oh, right. How professional.

Yes. Do you remember when I used to do whatever happened to's on here? Yeah. So I would say, whatever happened to. And then it'd be stuff like New Ralgia and stuff like that.

Yeah. Things that have gone. And it was, you know, I suppose I could now do whatever happened to whatever happened to. Yes. But anyway, I found one that I'd written as a suggestion to myself. Whatever happened to harems? That would have been a good text.

It's still interesting. First Jim Carna. The last Harim. When was the last one? They might still exist in some parts of the world. Maybe. Do they? I think they sort of died out in the 1960s films.

There were sort of ladies wandering around. I mean, you don't get them these days. Harry Styles must have one. Surely. The word only ever pops up in a kind of cynical, oh, you're Harim of admirers. It's used with Casanovas. Again, whatever happened to your Casanova?

I said it to my son a few years ago. I'd say probably 18 months ago. He'd been ill and he had three young girls from his class obviously young girls from his class and they were on Zoom talking to him and I said, what did your harem have to say? and he said, that is such an old person's thing to say and I thought, oh

awful I said, that is such an old person's thing to say. And I thought, ugh. Awful. So there was absolute diabolical liberty. So I want to tell you about my pen, about my four-colour pen. Okay. Because, again, this is one where different colours slide down. And I was thinking to myself, wouldn't it be great? Because I never used the green ink. Yeah.

When would you when would you write in green ink? What would that context be? Well, I know the answer to that, I'm afraid. I think it is people. Apparently people have to be careful. I think people would often write angry letters in green ink. It's associated with anger. Oh. Yeah. I can tell you. Someone that received a letter, sorry, from a high profile prisoner.

I won't mention them, but in green ink. Oh. Prison ink. I can tell you that traditionally the head of MI6 signs off as C in green ink. Oh. Oh, OK. As an ink, I can tell you that traditionally the head of MI6 signs off as C in green ink because the first head of MI6 did that. Oh, OK. So it's become sort of...

C? The one time... He's C. There's M, Q, C, you know. Oh, shut up. Is that right? C, yeah. If I was Mark Ruffalo...

Yes? I would do my... Tell me more. I would do... autographs in green. Just as a little subtle. I think people would love, wouldn't you love a green Mark Ruffalo autograph? Yeah, I would. Also, you're right, actually. Would you do it if you were sort of a horticulturalist as well?

Be on brand. I think it's a good idea. Like a celebrity gardener should do that. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Thematic colouring. Yeah. Yeah, Titch Marsh, you think?

Yes. Yeah, Titch Marsh. Or just a big green thumbprint. It just... No, it's fingers. Isn't it fingers that need to be green? Yes. Yeah, titch marsh. Or just a big green thumb print. It just... No, it's fingers. Isn't it fingers that need to be green? Not thumbs. You're stretching it out a bit.

Isn't it a green thumb? No, it's green fingers, isn't it? Who's your favourite green celebrity? Hold on, we've had a digit-based debate. My favourite one? Green celebrity. Kermit. I've got to go Giant. Come on.

The Corn Giant. Yes, he's got a certain charisma. I've always had a bit of a... He's a bit of an obscure crush of mine. The Johnny Green Giant. Yes. Don't fall for that Johnny thing. I've heard he's hated on set.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've got some Green Inc. correspondence. OK. Not in Green Inc., which is rather remiss of them. Is it from Professor Green? No. He could use it. Yeah?

You got on with him, actually. Yeah, I did. That's a friend of Frank's, Professor Green, yeah. And not only did I get on with Professor Green, he said a very interesting thing to me. He said he never trusts anyone who has more than three friends, which I really liked. But also I told Frankie Boyle about meeting Professor Green,

because he'd met him as well. And he said, yeah, he said, he looks like the sort of man who offers you unsolicited advice when you're on a fruit machine. And I laughed for about 10 minutes at that. Anyway, sorry. We've heard from Baz.

Right. Who says, many teachers are now told to mark students' work in green ink as apparently red ink is seen as too threatening. You're witness. I'm not one of these blokes who says, ugh, but sometimes. I am. Okay.

Andy in Mansfield. Okay. Andy Y Andy in Mansfield. Okay. Andy Yates in Mansfield. I have a mate who works for 7 Trent Water at the local sewage works, and he signs in brown ink. Oh, no, does he? I wish, let's hope that it is brown ink. Yeah, exactly.

I bet he's got some lovely tomatoes at his house and we've heard if the stories are true amanda in late and buzzard frank green ink is traditionally used by auditors is it really maybe that's because of money was always thought of as green greenbacks and stuff could be yeah money Yeah. Money-focused. Thematic. Yeah, I like it. Oh, I'll tell you who uses green ink, Frank. Neil Gaiman, the writer.

Does he? Well, he sent me a card once with a green ink. Oh. Well, this has gone much further than I expected. But crucially, Frank, what are you going to use your green ink for? You've got four options here. No, but here's the thing. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be brilliant?

My real dream four-colour pen was if there was no green ink. And the green ink was replaced by a pencil. replaced by a pencil and then the next time I went into Ryman's I saw that very instrument before me green ink replaced by and like I'd willed it into

being I don't know, did you ever see I saw that very instrument before me, you're talking about a pen Frank this is my life's blood I saw that very instrument before me. You're talking about a pen, Frank. But this is my life's blood. There was a Richard Burton film called,

I think it was The Medusa Touch. Do you remember it? Oh, I loved The Medusa Touch. It'd be late 70s. And he's a man who could will things. and he is a man who could will things. So there's a bit where he makes a plane crash. He's talking to this guy, and he says, I'll prove this to you once and for all.

And then he makes it. And this woman is in his flat, and they're having an argument, and this woman's saying, one of those 70s portrayals of women. He said, why don't you jump out of the window? And you hear, from next door. And it ends, it ends in the most 1970s threat wire you could ever. Because it ends with, I think he's arrested or something, I don't know if he dies or whatever, but he leaves a note.

And this is someone who couldn't will things to happen, threatened the contrary. It just says, Winscale. Whoa. Do you know Winscale? It became Sellafield. We all thought it was going to blow up all the time. Sorry, I must stop these old

man punchlines. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking about the 70s film with Richard Burton. Or the Medusa Touch. Why were they always called things like

the Something Touch? I think it was one of those films where Richard Burton needed the the Medusa Touch. Yes. Why were they always called things like the something touch? I think it was one of those films where Richard Burton needed the money, I think. You know, he'd done his classical things. He'd read under Milkwood. Oh, yeah. But that's another whatever happened to, Frank. ESP. You don't hear so much about the ESP these days.

No, no. Yeah. Extra sensory perception. You don't really so much about the ESP these days. No, no. Yeah. Extra sensory perception. You don't really get that now. The sort of thing where in a TV show or a movie, the camera would zoom in quite quickly on someone's forehead and their sort of noises would play. Yeah, and then things would move and stuff in there.

They loved telepathy in the 70s. The Champions, that TV series, and if you remember that, they were in, I think, a plane crash in there. They loved telepathy in the 70s. The Champions, that TV series. And if you remember that, they were in, I think, a plane crash in Tibet. And they were taken, obviously, to a sort of monastery. Of course. And they developed ESP. Yeah.

So, meanwhile... To that programme, what they loved in that programme... What's this, The Champions? The people who made The Champions. And there was a woman in it who as a child I thought was the most beautiful woman ever and you know when you go back

and watch people who you had a crush on when you were a kid and think oh, it didn't happen with her she still looked absolutely amazing mine were cancelled I'm afraid but what they really loved The Champions, the people who made it was that big fountain amazing mine were cancelled I'm afraid but what they really loved the champions the people who made it

was that big fountain in where is it in Switzerland is it Grenoble it's not Grenoble there's a big

high jet squirting squirting out of the sea oh yes I've seen it live not one of the but anyway yeah they had that on

every possible shot they could do. They really, they were so pleased. They thought people would love this, like a big squirt of water. Again, in those days, that was a spectacle. That was enough. Yeah. We're still getting some insight into the usage of green ink.

Wow. Dave in Sunbury. Morning, team. Back in the day, bank branch inspectors used green ink. Staff lived in fear of their visits and were forbidden to use green ink in any way. It's interesting because people in some authority were using it then. Yeah. It seems like it was the colour of choice for scrolling words like unacceptable over a paragraph of text.

Well, I was watching the football at the weekend and Manchester United. I was watching a bit of Manchester United and Eric, has it Eric Dentag? The manager was using a four-colour slider pen. Oh, lovely. So maybe he does a bit of greening for the really important bits. Yeah. But yeah, I was very excited to see that being used. He'd be a nice friend for you, Frank.

But it all ended disastrously because I was reading a book yesterday and I do a lot of marginalia. So I was scribbling in the margin and after being after scribbling for about 10 minutes i realized i hadn't got my pencil slide down i had my black ink and i did that which i have condemned many for i wrote in a book for I wrote in a book, I mean a book book, in ink. Vandalism.

So, I don't know what to do with myself. Okay. Oh, there was something, someone actually spoke to me about the show this week, so it's still being broadcast. Oh, that's good to know. That's good. And it was a reprimand.

What did they say? That I was about to tell something last week and then I didn't tell it, so I'll tell it after this. Frank, just in from Dave, who's one of our regulars, 782, as he's also known. Frank, it's called Jet D dough and is in lake geneva geneva of course we're talking about the fountain that yeah the big squirter it's not even like a fountain though it's not like a beautiful ornate thing with big fish with with big lips on them like you get with water coming out no no no it looks like a leak it looks like a leak. It looks like a burst pipe.

But they're very, very fond of it in Geneva. You had some business to take care of. Yes, well, someone pointed out that I'd said on my birthday, I watched, I don't know if I mentioned this bit, but it is a tradition in my family, me, Kath and Boz, that on your birthday, you choose what's on telly that night and the other two

have to watch it Oh, what a treat So I chose the 1965 film Doctor Who and the Daleks That's why I wasn't available that night I see A friend of mine

got in touch with me and said, how was your birthday? I said, it was great. I said, and in the evening, I got Buzz and Kat to watch Doctor Who and the Daleks, and he texted back, had they been naughty? That was his response. Anyway, we watched it.

It's a very strange phenomenon, that film. I don't know if you remember, but someone sent me a brilliant book about the two. There's this one and a film called Dalek Invasion Earth 2150 AD. And they were like, the guy who invented the Daleks Terry Nation

then decided well I can go away and make feature films and I don't need to give the BBC any money but can you Terry? well he did it so there's things there is a Doctor Who but it's Peter Cushing and he's not

from another planet he's like an inventor and he's actually called Who planet. He's like an inventor, and he's actually called Who. Who is his surname? But anyway, it's brilliant. I love it. And I realised that one of the Thal in it, which is the good guys in it, is played by a woman called Yvonne Antrobus.

Oh, yes. And Yvonne Antrobus. Oh, yes. And Yvonne Antrobus, who's an actress, has got quite a good speciality, and she's one of the country's leading abridgers. Oh. So she abridges, that's what she does. You know when you're, I don't know if you're ever on Audible, and you're thinking, I wouldn't mind listening to Gulliver's Travels,

and you see Gulliver's Travels, nine and a half hours. Gulliver's Travels, nine hours, 23. And you think, oh, they must read pretty quickly. And then you get Gulliver's Travels, hour and a half. And you think, hold off. And it's been abridged. Not necessarily by Yvonne Antrim, but what a great job that must be, abridging.

Summarising. Obviously, things can be abridged too far. Wow. So what did Kath and Boz make of the Dalek thing? Boz quite liked it. Kath, at the end, sat in silence for about 20 seconds and then said, not for me. That's reviews, girl.

It was merciless. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15. 12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk

There are some things that simply do not work in some accents. I think the word Instagram in a sort of Appalachian hillbilly accent does not track for me at all. There's a feeling that in those mountain communities you're not going to get any Wi-Fi.

No. Haven't got time for Instagram? No. Take a selfie by my dune buggy. No, you're not. They took a nice picture of the bloodhound. Yes. They like a bloodhound. Smell hound. Yeah, they do like a bloodhound.

Why do they like a bloodhound? I don't know. They're hunting dogs, aren't they? They hunt a lot to track things down. Okay. Yep. He sure did make me a squirrel pie. And they're very sinister about the weather. The weather's a sinister beast, isn't it?

Yes, that's right. Storms are coming. It's sinister. I was driving in Mississippi once and I drove, accidentally drove into a small community and went up this wrong side road thing. Oh, all of us travel. And, yeah, there was probably about five or six shacks

and people came out and I honestly thought, I'm not going to talk, I'm just going to turn around and get out of here as fast as possible. I'm sure it was my own, but there was literally a man who had dungarees on with like nothing underneath. I don't know if he had nothing underneath, but no top. And I was afraid.

Was he like the grandpa figure in Starsky and March? He was a young man. That's more frightening. Yeah, he looked like he could take me down. I'll tell you who favours a dungaree, I've noticed. I mean, consistent dungaree wearer. Go on.

Well, I went to see Pianovelli live. I did the same as you, Frank. I went a week later. One tier below I was a week later. Fabulous. Congratulations. Thank you. Afterwards, I bumped into a friend of yours,

a mutual friend of yours. That's right. Our old tour manager. Your old tour manager. Oh, no. Yes. No, Omar. He had a DM with a heart.

Yes, I remember those DMs. Have you come across them before? Oh, certainly. Oh,e. He had a DM with a heart. Yes, I remember those DMs. Have you come across them before? Oh, certainly. Oh, yeah. He sends his best, Frank. Yes. Now, he's a very flashy dresser and a fabulous human being, I would say.

He is, he's charming. Consistent dungaree sounds like the name of a sort of guitar-playing nun or something. I think Sir Geoffrey Consisterant Dongery could be in a Oscar Wilde short story. Yes, yeah. That's what I think. Where were we? What about Outsider World? Okay, okay.

We've got... Well, I have to say, Frank, I know you don't like to boast. It's not your way, really, is it? I'm not. It's interesting. I was watching a documentary about Scottish poetry. And presented by a woman called Jackie Kay.

I don't know if you've seen it. It's a poet. And she is... Her parentage is Nigerian. And she has grown up in Scotland, so she's Scottish. And the woman who she was interviewing started saying,

you know, Jackie, you're a major influence on young Scottish poets. We look up to you. And this woman was talking I was waiting for Jackie to interrupt but she didn't and she just kept going and so she finally finished this compliment Jackie hadn't interrupted and Jackie said thank you very much she said some Scottish people don't like compliments she said but the the Nigerian part of me is just, no, you keep going.

Keep bringing it in. And it was great because I think the accent had slightly fooled this woman. She said, oh, no, that's too. But no, she didn't. She said, no, no, no, I agree with that. I am brilliant. It was that kind of thing. Well, you're going to have to tolerate this because Tedley Manor has got in touch to say...

The house or the person? It's a person. Okay. Or is it an attitude? It could be everything. It could be all of those things. Frank's Poetry Podcast resumed last week, I believe it was. Yes, it's back. It births on a Wednesday. And we've had a lot of people getting in touch. it was. Yes, it's back. It births on a Wednesday. And

we've had a lot of people getting in touch. Very pleased to hear this. But Ted Lee Manor has said thank you for bringing the Poetry podcast back. I never thought I'd be listening to poetry at 11 o'clock at night. I wonder what time

11 o'clock at night. I wonder what time Ted Lee had in mind he would be listening to poetry Poetry feels like a sort of 11am 11am or 3pm I'll tell you what I think poetry is 4.30pm Sunday afternoon

Oh that's when poetry please goes out God you've got exactly the same scheduling mind as Radio 4. We've got all sorts, haven't we, boy? That's what Bertie Bassett was saying to me just the other week. I don't know about me. You and your celebrity friends. He's always name-dropping the Bassetts.

Never takes the hat off, Bertie, when he comes round here. Would you call them the Bassetts if they were friends? Like, has he got a family Bassett, or is he a loner? I don't know. I would be surprised to find that the manufacturers of licorice all sorts, who I can't remember the name of licorice all sorts, oh, I can't remember the name of, haven't come up with some sort of action figures. Sort of a tedious world expansion

where there's a sort of son and a cousin and an old basset clam. Interesting you say tedious world expansion because I am the person who's personally lobbied for a Mrs Davros, as you know. Yes. I want to see their home life. It's the only thing that's me.

These sci-fi things, if I just knew a little bit more about their relationships and their inner lives, I might be on board. Just by way of a link, I can no longer resist. Doctor Who had a character called the Candyman who was just a blatant rip-off of Bertie Bassett, but life-sized. When I say life-sized, I mean human being-sized. Was it a villain?

Yes. Oh, no. I think that's absolutely correct. I think they got a call from the sweet manufacturers saying that you can't recast Bertie Bassett as a villain. Does Bertie Bassett have a top hat and a cane? He had a top hat, certainly. He definitely has a hat.

Who is he? He's a nepo baby. He's the original nepo baby. Is he Mike Bassett? Who is he? He's Mr. Licorice Allsorts. And so he's constructed of licorice allsorts. Yeah, he's a sort of golem.

Yeah. But why is he posh then with the top hat? I think once you've called him Bertie, you've committed to at least upper middle class. So yeah, he comes from that long line of upper class logo men

yeah like Mr. Mr. Planter Monopoly man Monopoly man why are they always posh

who's your favourite upper middle class logo man 8, 12, 15 or woman but I can't

think of any female. Julius Fogg. He was another poshian. Yeah, but he was a fictional character originally, wasn't he? I know, but they turned him into, the reason they liked him as a logo man is because he was posh. Yeah. Let's be honest. Yeah.

You're right. But there'll be others. I think it was to reassure us in the working classes that they had the seal of approval from those who were born to rule. Don't worry, these sweets are well in hand. Exactly. We've got it covered.

Don't you worry. We thought we were living the high life eating licorice all sorts. I am an enormous fan, I have to say. Don't send me any, I can afford it. But I do love a licorice all sorts. I am an enormous fan, I have to say. Don't send me any, I can afford it. But I do love a licorice all sort. Favourite shape? Well, I like the multi-layer

sort of, you know... The lasagna one? Yeah, the lasagna one. We once had... I describe it as a huge argument about those jelly things. Well, I love those. Those blue and pink atrocities no he thinks of that what are they even like cushions they're horrible but what a fabulous juxtaposition of textures the brittle roundness of the hundreds and thousands and the and the

jelly the the quite a bit like you know i used to eat jelly before it was made into jelly and just eat it in squares? It's got that sort of jelly with attitude. It's a weird Mrs Slocum hat. I don't like it. Masculine. I don't know. I was going to say masculine jelly, but I don't want that.

If anyone just turns on and hears that, I'll just turn off again. But jelly that's very sturdy is what I'm trying to get across. Oh, God. We've been talking about the sort of aristocratic character on branding. You have your Bertie Bassett. Monopoly man. Mr. Planter. Bertie Bassett. Monopoly man. Mr. Planter.

I think he's called Mr. Peanut, in fact. And he works for Planters. Anna Banana says... I thought that was one, but I don't remember that one. Anna's one of our regulars. Yes, I remember.

Anna Banana, Pringle Man wears a bow tie, pretty dapper. That's true. Yes, and the moustache. I thought he might be an academic. I think he's got a more sort of continental flavour. He's a sort of very chic Italian gentleman, I see him as. I thought he might be a professor of Tibetan architecture. Oh, did you speed him that way?

Professor Pringle. Oh, I see. Oh, I read him as a sort of sommelier, maybe, on the Amalfi Coast. Oh, why is a sommelier? Oh, they know all about the wines. Oh. They're the person.

You know when you go to the restaurant? They're the ones that wear a gripes badge. Oh, that's crazy. That's really reducing their job to the absolute basics. What happens is that, and also it's a terrible faux pas, which I've done this before,

if the sommelier approaches and usually looking like someone, the Pringle man, and you say, as I did once oh could I have a diet coke please you can't do that that's not his remit do they tap the grapes badge yeah luckily I was wearing my jesters bells badge and he realized I was not to be taken seriously. That's the worst thing you can do to me. The waiter came in who had a cowering man badge to suggest civility.

We should all wear badges that break our trades down to the absolute basics of the world. The most insulting. I mean, a wine expert with a with a grapes badge that really is going to the core of the business it's a strange job isn't it the sommelier because they're only they're sort of a strange part of the show they're only on they're on every night but at odd intervals well i my problem on the occasions i've been in those places because i don't drink so they come over and i just and they go away

really slight disapproval yes to hell with them we've yeah we i'm not in the no i don't want any grapes that's what i should say i couldn't eat a grape now. No, honestly, I don't want a grape. No, I'm a member of the grapes fan club. Oh. Weird. What, with pips? Or souls pips? Sorry? I was just going to say,

we've also had this in us, an interesting, potentially controversial choice, but I like it. See what you and Pierre think. Traditionally not middle choice, but I like it. See what you and Pierre think. Traditionally not middle class, but Birdseye have turned the captain into a smouldering IPA drinking... It's just disappeared off my screen. I do apologise.

Smouldering IPA drinking, high-end thread-wearing silver fox. I have photographic evidence... But still nautical. Nautical, but he does look like sort of an Armani captain now. Have you seen the refurb? I'm just looking at him now and I would say he looks recreationally nautical

as opposed to sincerely. Oh, he's like a yacht captain. He's not military anymore. What he looks, he looks gratin catalogue nautical. What he looks is fabulous. Has heattan catalogue nautical. Oh. What he looks is fabulous. Has he been

on the nautical step? He's had a fabulous rebrand. Oh, I don't want that from Captain Birdseye. What I want is little bits

of cod amidst the whiskers. That's what I want from him. What I want is an answer as to how on earth he claims to provide

peas. Does he? He's a man of the sea. Birdseye peas? Yes. From whence the peas, Captain? What I want is an answer as to how on earth he claims to provide peas. Does he? He's a man of the sea. Birds eye peas. Yes, we're... Whence the peas, Captain? You're so wrong. Don't you know the sea peas?

Surely. And potato waffles. He's got no business dabbling in those. For me... Keep it simple, Captain. The potato waffles, they'll always be on the premises of Birdseye, though, because they're fabulous. Do you remember the song? Yeah.

Birdseye potato waffles, they're waffly versatile. Versatile? But waffly. What do you mean? It reminds me of when, what was he called? Gary Bushell, he wrote in the Times. A review of the adaptation of Charles Dickens' Martin Chuzzlewit, in which he said, too much chuzzle and not enough wit.

And I thought, what's happening? He obviously really enjoyed the phrase, a not enough wit. He was prepared to sell his soul and say that there was too much... Chuzzle. Chuzzle. I don't think so, Gary.

Now, I have a question for Pierre. Go on. And I don't know if this is fair that I should ask Pierre, but I'm doing it as a sort of a link. And it's something that me and Emily were discussing. And then I said we can ask Pierre, because he's got inside information. And it's a question. It's based around your close friendship with the comedian Phil Wang.

Yes. Now, Phil Wang. Yes. He hosts, if I can use that word of something so brief, he hosts a sort of an advert on the BBC. Oh, this. see and i thought is it if one writes in or does could i be sitting playing cribbage in east enders or not necessarily me but anywhere is that does one actually win a part in a show or does i am i or am I photoshopped into a still? Is it a CGI thing? This is what we can't establish.

Is it real? You're real. You're in it. Really? You actually get to be in a BBC production. Yes, the recent burst of those adverts or promotional materials include the very footage of some of the winners so far.

I can't think of anything ever broadcast on television which I have understood less than that. I think, how do you get it? What is it? I mean, if you can't answer those two things about a competition, is it even a competition? We should establish it. we're big Wang fans. I'm not, I mean, you know. We love Wang.

We've all got to eat. I'm just saying, I really don't know what's on offer. How do I get it? You write in about how much you love some show and what you want or something. It's all about appreciating the BBC. Oh, okay. The representative for the competition.

I'm his second. I'm trying to help out because some people, I suspect people aren't writing only to say what's going on. It's unlike you to give unsolicited advice, though. I'm not offering it.

I'm just saying if you want to make a success of this thing, tell us what's happening. But I can say, if you look it up there are there's already footage of happy viewers being extras in their various shows if you want to make a success of this thing is that what you said to andrew lloyd weber when you told him to change the car but um you know I think it's a lovely idea, you know, Auntie Edie being in Happy Valley.

Oh, I don't think Happy Valley you'd want to be in, Frank. It's not what you think it is. Isn't it? Well, it's quite bleak. I haven't actually seen the whole one, but you know what I mean. People absolutely love it. Oh, it's fantastic. But I don't like dramas very much.

Do you not, Frank? How can you tell if they're good if there's no jokes in it? It's people talking. If people talking, I can go to the shop. My brother-in-law will never speak to me again after that. No, obviously, people do love Happy Valley and it must be amazing. But could I be in it as someone who was trapped in a lift

with Sarah Lancashire? Yes. That could happen. Yes, I think so. Could you? What do I have to do? Just write in and say I really like this show. There's a raffle aspect to it, I think.

I don't want to be an extra. I want a proper speaker, a proper part. No talking aloud, I'm afraid. Oh, I don't. I have to. Wow. No talking. So how do you get in the tombola?

You have to write in a letter and say I love you. Submit to your request. On a programme where we disapprove of praise, to be actually soliciting it. Come on. You're better than that, guys. Well, I can honestly say I've toured with Pierre Navelli and worked with him a few times on this show. I've never seen him quite so spiky as he's got about the BBC

let's put extras out of work advert. Yes. The big fun contest. Yeah. He's got really tetchy about it. He's defending. He's defending his mate, but we weren't laying uh laying into no i'm still banged he's about just a very charming he's got a script you know i suppose he could have said this doesn't

make any sense no one will know what this means but you know it's early in his career to be putting his foot down like that it will come come. It will come. It will surely come. The ability to make demands. To say, would it help? Can't you hear me saying, do you think it would help at all if people could actually understand this hating on the set? Of course, that's what he's trying to avoid.

So I think we've got further down. They don't write a letter. They fill in a form. That's what... It gets even more complicated, it turns out. Oh further down. They don't write a letter, they fill in a form. It gets even more complicated, it turns out. Oh, no. What do you mean? They had to film themselves. Film themselves?

They were given a programme-specific brief and filmed themselves conducting an audition. Wow, this is just saving money, isn't it? Do they get paid for their part? It's unclear. No. Hang on a second. So you have to film this?

Slave labour? The BBC? You film yourself? Extras, you were getting like 80 quid a show for doing these standards. Suddenly? I mean, the unions would have been up in arms back in the day, can I say? What about when I heard an extra on a show I was doing say, yeah, well, I was talking to one of the extras

and they said they'd only got the part because they'd slept with the writer. And I was the writer and it was my brother. It was our Keith. And we had slept together in our childhood. But this has caused some consternation in their caravan, the extras, that this caravan, the extras. This guy had jumped the queue.

I was told when I was a child actor, I wasn't allowed to do extra work. Because if you had an equity card, it was taking the work off the extras. Nowadays, they just say, write into us and we'll give you a part. Yeah, we'll have free ones. They must have been paid. There must be. Extras are never low on moaning.

I mean, they'll be sitting around saying, can you believe these people, Tom, Dick or Harry, just writing in there and taking our work. They must have been paid. There must be a crippling amount of oversight. I should hope they're paid. They wouldn't do that, would they? I love that we've talked about

this for the last 20 minutes. Well, I'd like to say we are also, as well as messing about, we are also a voice for justice. Justice! Oh, by the way, in the next hour, if you've ever had a Valentine's

card or sent a Valentine's card that's actually led to anything interesting, and it could be love, but there are more interesting things. 8.12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. OK.

Tis done. And if tis done, tis better tis done quickly. And if it's done, it's better it's done quickly. Regarding the query to the world re-Valentine's cards, we've had one of the most rollercoaster ride texts I think the show's ever received. Come on. It's from 899. I once received a Valentine's card to my home address.

Written inside it was, quote, can't wait for the next office party. End quote. My husband at the time went mental. Yes. Uh-oh. I enlisted the help of the post room at work to try and find out who sent it. To no avail.

I had done nothing wrong at all, but ultimately it set a seed of doubt in my husband's mind, and our marriage ended a couple of years later Oh no This was about 30 years ago I still have no idea who sent it I went on to meet a great man who I've been married to for nearly 24 years and we have four amazing children, happy days Oh wow

Breathe out Caught to the husband thinking the best form of defence is attack. It was my card. And green ink it was. If this had been a 1970s film starring Richard Burton, it of course would have been his card. Yes.

It would have been called the Happy Valentine. Of excellent work. So proud of him. How extraordinary. Yeah. What a sinister thing to do, whoever sent it. I was going to say, what a fabulous thing to do. Well, the reason I...

Giving me some ideas. Giving me some ideas. The reason I ask the Valentine's question is, sending Valentine's cards, you know, anonymous and all that, sounds like an enormous plot device for life, that things are going to come off that. And I've never met anyone who said, yeah, I got this card and then blah, blah, blah happened. I mean, that one is the first time.

It's remarkably on anecdote worthy, the Valentine's card. Given tradition. It's possible. Given it's so loaded. That's true. And even this is an example of it doing some unwinding rather than some winding. Yes, yes. Well, what a tale.

Gosh. Yes, anyway, if you've got a Valentine's, they don't have to be that bleak. Well, it's a happy ending. Although, ideally... I hope we can hear from the husband, see what happens to him. Oh, what, the original? The OG? Yeah, exactly.

First gen. You won't be hearing from him. No, I don't think we'll hear from him. No, I don't. I don't think we'll hear from him. No, we won't hear. We've also... You know what, Frank? I've got an idea.

I think we should take a little trip down into Previously Corner. How would you feel about that? We haven't got a jingle, but I trust you to think on your feet. This'll do. OK. OK.

First up, on Previously, Russell Croucher. I already love Russell Croucher, because in parenthesis, he's put non-MBE. Okay. Do we all have to do that now every time we communicate? No, I just assume other people aren't. Oh, my God. Unless they tell me otherwise.

So, Russell Croucher. Morning, all. I'm a couple of weeks behind on your podcasts. Thanks. And I only just heard the car tong story. Do you want to briefly, do you remember this, Frank? Yes. Someone was in a car with a female friend

and they stopped at a car park thing when you have to get your ticket out. Yeah. And she suddenly took out, I imagine them as lawn, those wooden laundry tongs reached through the window and took the ticket with the tongs this is not a covid avoidance this is um not being able to park close enough to the uh but she was prepared which astonished all of us you see i was imagining more you sort of bacon or sausage barbecue tongs oh okay i wish they were like that well they could have been we never we never cleared

out what the tongs were like but the fact that they were there for that purpose it wasn't coincidental in the pocket of the door did you have any in mind hair tongs or i went straight to barbecues in my mind as i often do do. Yeah, he's got a thing, barbecue, straight away. Do you know, if I'm imagining you in my mind's eye, I think of you hunkered over a barbecue. Holding a pair of tongs. Yeah, I'm thinking of you in one of those blue butcher's aprons, and nothing else.

I'd like to return us to Russell Croucher, non-MBE. Oh, yes. That's not judgement from my POV. That's just he felt the need to tell us that. He's taking us back to cartons, which we discussed on this very show. If only it was called Gordon. It could be Gordon of cartons. Oh.

I worked in the car industry for McLaren Special Operations. Oh, OK. Oh, I like this. It sounds quite stingray. It does a bit. Anything Special Operations I'm in. I'm just an old man, Commander. I see silver face paint.

I see late 60s plastic controls. Yes. I'm in. We once had a client with a McLaren F1 road car, which famously has a central driving position and tiny windows, both of which make it extremely difficult to grab tickets from toll booths and car parks. The owner of this £15 million vehicle...

I'm going Eccleston, but we'll come back to that. I didn't know there was a vehicle that was worth that. ...had the solution, a humble litter picker in the car. You don't want that in your million pound... 15 million. 15 million pound car. Hey, get in, baby. Oh, don't sit on my litter picker.

Not yet. What? Oh, my actual gods. Oh, sorry. But what if you could use it to demonstrate a community mindset? You could say, yes, I have a £15 million car, but I care about the local wildlife, so I pick up stray bags.

I would find that an instant... It would instantly mean I was going to leave theirs at half past nine that evening without calling again. And I'll tell you why. It implies a pettiness that wouldn't really get me in the mood. See, for me, it's attention to detail. It's true. Also, you could say I've got two kids,

and sometimes when they're in the back seat, they need sort of temporary throttling. But I can't... With a sort of robot claw. You can't expect to catch it. But that's the problem. I couldn't picture that person as someone who would be able to have a wild night of abandon

if they're saying, excuse me, let me just get my litter picker. Yeah. It's something... How about this? This car's worth 15 million, but it still requires a litter picker to function. Get a 10 million pound car, spend 5 million pounds sort of having someone

whose job is to be strapped to the roof or... I was just going to say, Pierre, actually, we've assumed this is a gadget. All this person says, Russell, says they had the solution, a humble litter picker. How do we know it wasn't a man sat in the back of the car? And that was his job. A middle aged man in a high-fist

jacket and a bin liner. Yes. I hope it was. No, not if he's got. I can't remember where the young woman in the car came from. Did I add her or is she in the I don't know. No, it's not great that. I knew someone who managed John Cooper Clark in his darker days.

And he had a small house that he lived in. He'd sit and watch television. And he had a walking stick. He had no walking difficulties, but he didn't have a remote control for the telly. So he would lean and press the buttons with his walking stick to change channels. Fabulously, like Mrs. Havisham,

or Miss Havisham, obviously, sorry. I don't want to say Mrs. Havisham in an area shot. That's going to cut into the quick. Now, this has come up previously on this show, dot, dot, dot. Aled from Cardiff has been in touch.

It can't be. Look at Aled from Cardiff has been in touch it can't be I went to a party in Cardiff once and Aled Jones just happened to be there and I thought that's what you want isn't he what a charming man

he is yes charming what about when I was walking with him Frank and the man came up to him and he said he vaguely said what do you do then?

Because he was a bit of a major type, Labradors. And he said, well, I do singing. And he said, oh, do you? What type? My wife's actually, she doesn't like much music. She's very into opera and classical music. Oh, well, perfect. Well, it wasn't.

He didn't know. And then he got embarrassed. He would have been when he got home and realised. Well, I had him on my chat show many years ago, and whenever a guest came on, I got the band to play the skinnerettes. I got them to play a suitable tune. So he came on to,

if you tolerate this, then your children will be next. Regarding snowmen. Hi, Frank and Emily. This is Aled from Cardiff. Long time reader. First time getting in touch. Nice. Now, Aled has attached a photo, but I will explain all. Attached

is a photo of Wyn Evans, a.k.a. the Go Compare man, who has an upcoming concert here in Cardiff. I believe his marketing team have knocked it out of the park

with the subtitle. Can I tell you what they've called it? Go on. Wyn Evans. What I really want to hear is there was a big show that he was comparing Then I think I know what the slogan would have been Well, can I tell you what they've gone for?

Go on Do you want to see? No, no, go on They've gone for Beyond Compare Ah, very, very good How do we feel about this? That question first to Frank Skinner, you're saying very good? No, I think that's absolutely top end.

Do you? I do, I really like that. Okay. Well done, well done you. I'm a fan, but I thought they could do more with the image. They could be cheekier. Oh dear. Because it doesn't still look like the same guy.

If you squint and sort of add a Wario moustache. Well, obviously I haven't seen the picture. I don't like him in the adverts as himself. To me, it's like Derren Brown telling you how he reads minds or something. He's gone too meta. Yeah, I don't want to see behind the scenes of a Go Compare advert. It's gone too meta. Yeah, I don't want to see behind the scenes of a Go Compare advert.

I just want to think that he is that eccentric opera man in the starched moustache. Well, we also have... You can't always get what you want, as I think Mick Jagger said. Although he had a damn good go, from what I've heard. I was going to say, take your own advice, Mick. Is the Go Compare man a candidate for posh logan well he has come up here oh okay he has been mentioned alongside the posh logo men we've also of course had home pride fred who was he posh he had a bowler hat, but I would say he went for a slightly 60s black polo neck. Yeah, I thought he was like blue-collar worker

rather than posh bloke. But why the bowler hat? Old school. Was that a...? Maybe that was like a sort of foreman-type symbol from the 1920s or something like that. He's too busy to make his own pasta sauce. Yeah.

He's been supervising. Yeah, I thought he was definitely on the shop floor, the home pride guy. We've also got the Caddish Fox from Old Speckled Hen beer. You won't know about that, Frank. That's an alcohol-related thing. No, that rings a bell, though.

Foxy Bingo's a bit more nouveau riche. He favoured a velvet jacket if I remember like yourself he did yeah yeah yeah

I don't make as much money from the board no well he was I presume he gambled ferociously

I think it might have turned out a bit lotto loud for Foxy Bingo we haven't heard from him for a while no. I think it might have turned out a bit lotto-lout for Foxy Bingo. We haven't heard from him for a while. No, I think you might be right. There's going to be a great story about the decline and fall of Foxy Bingo.

What would it be called? Tipping the velvet. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about the posh logo figures, someone has submitted Mr Soft. Now, I would say he was more of a sort of Liam and Noel Gallagher raver type gentleman. Which one is Mr Soft?

I'm thinking of the Steve Harley. He was the mint man who sort of... Do you remember him? Oh, he did Soft Mints. Yes, do you remember that man? No, he passed me by. OK. Mr Soft, close your eyes down here, mate.

My Steve Harley. And Bulletproof, talking about the Pringles man who I did say was I thought he was a sommelier on the hotel on the Amalfi Coast maybe Bulletproof says I always thought he was Italian perhaps related to the

Dolmios if his name is Pringle yeah that doesn't suggest he's Italian, does it? It would be the sort of thing where in the Who Do You Think You Are episode, they say, of course, they changed their surname in the war. Yes, of course. To avoid prejudice.

Exactly. He was one of the Pringalios from Milan. Yeah, but even if you had Italian blood and your name was Pringle, once you went on stage, once you were on the tube, as we call it, in Pringle World, you'd adopt an Italian name to hammer that home. I think that it would be difficult, though, because if I saw an Italian name on a tube of crisps, I'd be expecting that to be reflected in the flavour.

Oh yeah, you're probably right. It's a tube of worms really. I had eggs in purgatory last Sunday. Oh dear. I wasn't in purgatory. I don't mean I had eggs in purgatory.

I wasn't down there. I was in Barnet. Well, in a way. No I wasn't down there. I was in Barnet. Well, yeah. No, you'd be surprised. Have you ever had eggs in Purgatory? I thought you were going to say have you ever had eggs in Barnet? No, I haven't.

What is it? It is... Is it some sort of Worcester sauce thing? No, it's eggs in sort of tomato, like squidgy, tinned tomato, tomato puree stuff. And they sit in their own little island,

the eggs. And it's all done in a big saucepan with garlic and... It's fantastic. This is shakshuka. Isn't it? It may have an alternative. I believe shakshuka. I believe shakshuka. I think shakshuka has more herbs than eggs in purgatory.

Oh, it's one of the hippie ones. So is eggs in purgatory, is this a sort of thing where someone went abroad and had shakshuka and went, well, we must simplify. I didn't ask for it. Some origin story. I just ate it. You shouldn't be with Pierre then.

He will give you. It's tremendously nice, that's all I'm saying, if you ever want to try it at home. Yeah, but you've got quite odd taste in food, Frank. Oh, it's lovely, though. Frank, may I just throw into the mix from Josh Jeffery? Do you think Little Mix and the people that work for them call the band The Mix?

No. OK. Josh Jeffery has put forward Johnny Walker. Yes. For the Poshman. The logo has actually got a name. It's called Striding Man. Is it really?

And as Josh has pointed out, in the olden days, Striding Man had a monocle, but doesn't anymore. Laser eye surgery, I suspect. Oh, he's dropped his monocle. Does he still say a four-year-go? Does he still say that? Because what did that... That takes a bit of unpacking.

What's he saying there? Do you want to have a whisky a four-year-go? Yeah, a quick... A wee dram. I wonder if he's... Or is it someone saying, and afore ye go, don't ever come here drunk again.

And he's not striding, but stumbling. Oh, he's slipping. Slipping on his own vomit. Sliding man. Frank Skinner Vomit. Sliding mad. What about this? We were talking about Foxy Bingo earlier, who I believe you described as nouveau riche.

That's what... He strikes me as such. Yes. 346 has put forward, the fox in the fox's glacier mints advert always wore a different hat, if I remember correctly.

Was he a bit fancy? Did he? I don't remember that. I don't, I think of him as Bartat, as they say in Yorkshire. What's that mean?

Bareheaded. You know, on Ilkley Moor Bartat. Oh, lovely. Yes. And then 331, the Pringles man socioeconomic status is unconfirmed. Yes.

But I can't... I mean, why would he be on the tube if he's got money? A lot of people have asked that about me, of course. It's called miserliness. Well, sometimes it's quicker, let's be honest. Yes. But I can't picture a working man getting away with that moustache without the lads at the factory winding you up every day.

That's Carl in Derbyshire. What say you? I think that's probably true. I think he's added Don for that photo and then there's no turning back. I think the phrase... Once you fop, you can't stop, I would say. That's a lovely one.

I think the phrase, the Pringles man's socioeconomic status is unconfirmed, is the sort of thing you say to start a nuclear war. Isn't that sort of coded? Yeah, exactly. I think It's the sort of thing you say to start a nuclear war. Isn't that sort of coded? I think it's the sort of thing you say at the beginning of a date with me to know it's going to get a tick at the end.

Oh yes. Did we get any more Valentine's stuff as it is actually this week? You're getting a bit beggy. Did we get any more Valentine's stuff? Not many that are fulfilling the criteria that you wished for of sort of leading to something. We've got another.

That's a bit of a reprimand for our contributors. Frank, can I tell you something, Pierre? I will. Frank is, I would describe the logo for this as surprisingly, what would I call it, Frank? You give good Valentine's Day. I would say that's fair, wouldn't you? Frank splashes out on Valentine's Day.

Well, it's been a while. Now, I usually do the dozen red roses and all the clichés. I'm not scared of a cliché. That's what you're thinking. I think you're quite extravagant on Valentine's Day. Lovely. Thanks. You would bring that up the year I've decided to stop.

To give in to the miscellaneous. Yeah, exactly. Saving the planet. Also, we've got the man from Del Monte being thrown in there. We'll discuss him. I think he's a whole other subsection. Yeah, I don't think he's posh.

He's self-made man. The first episode of the new series of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast is out now. And it's fantastic, my eyes. Thank you. Episode two will be out on Wednesday. That'll be Carol Ann Duffy. We download it from wherever you get your podcasts.

It's a mystery we don't want to delve into. Thank you so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. next week. Now get out.