The Frank Skinner Show - Promotion Pipe

Episode Date: August 1, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. And after 18 weeks of working from the linen basket we are back LIVE in the studio! This week Frank has a question about wedding dresses and he’s had to deal with some excitement. The team also discuss the end of the Argos catalogue, a vacuum cleaner cover and Sir Elton John’s electricity bill.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, but we're here, we're in the studio. You can text the show at last after 18 long weeks. You can text us on 81215. You can also follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. But I long to hear from you because, my goodness me, I have missed the old textings and emails, etc., etc., etc. So, yeah, we're back in the studio. Welcome back, guys.

Hello. It's good to see you. Welcome back, guys. Hello. It's good to see you. Welcome back, boys. I noticed, I watched you park the car and then you met Al. Oh, here we go. No, no, I wasn't going to mention that. I've actually, you know, my parking has always been bad. I noticed yesterday it's got worse because I haven't been parking enough during lockdown.

You see, I was conscious of parking the car without watching as the motoring correspondent and someone who's driving I respect. Oh, thank you. But mine has deteriorated a lot in lockdown also. I think... Is it safe on the road? That's what I was wondering actually.

But I think your walk has changed in lockdown. Is that right? It was very Liam Gallagher, the walk. You know, the feet out to the side and the side. Oh, well, that doesn't sound good posturally, does it? We live in, we sort of live in Manchester. I do live in Manchester, yeah. You've been noticing his walk, my parking,

you're twitching the curtains. I'm very excited that we're back. You might have just witnessed a little bit of sciatic pain and me compensating for it, I don't know. Oh, that's not as rock and roll, is it? Not as rock and roll, you're right. I should say that we are taking all full precautions in case you think we've cast caution to the wind.

We have not. I am doing this show in... I'm in the studio, but I'm wearing a 1980s Podsy Bear outfit, complete. And I'm speaking through the right eye hole yeah so that the eye bandana catches any uh globules i'm in a hazmat suit that i got on ebay yeah it's um i didn't know they did them at pink and i'm dressed as the uh white power ranger oh yeah yeah it's all so we're being careful. I mean, we were,

I don't know about you guys, but I was thinking, well, it's kind of gone now, COVID, so we'll be great. And then after yesterday's press conference, I feel like I'm surfing into work on the second wave

today. But it's been, it's been a great leveller. I had to make my own breakfast at home this morning. Usually I'll get it when I come in. I had to drive myself in. How did you find that? Frank's going to wheel drive self.

I can't. I mean, I was up all last night erecting a makeshift antenna on the Golden Square building because the other one was the cobwebs, basically. Made it unusable. Driving in was interesting. I think what was interesting about driving in,

there is a route from my house to Golden Square, which for me is the route. Right. The route I would always drive. Yes. No drivers, no professional drivers take it. And I have always assumed, well I suppose SatNav tells them to go another way and they

follow SatNav because they don't, you know, why wouldn't they? So I drove my route today and SatNav absolutely agreed with me throughout. So I don't know what they're up to. I don't know what they're up to. First show back vindicated.

Vindicated. Great for you, this. At last. Oh, and don't forget this morning's first texting. What did you do with your wedding dress? Now, until I asked that, I was watching a TV show and the cameras went into someone's home, you know, not a celebrity home, just someone's home

Still not decent, God-fearing people, were they? Yeah, I don't mind that I drive myself into work, make my own breakfast but in their bed, they were just talking about how they had their house done and stuff and one thing

that wasn't referred to much was in the in one room was a mannequin wearing the woman's wedding dress. Now is that a thing that people do or is that an unusual thing?

I'd say it's borderline unhinged. I've never seen that before. It's extraordinary. It is. So I'd love to... Tell me what you did with your wedding dress. If you've got it on a mannequin,

I'm not saying you're a bad person. Don't get me wrong. Some dye it, Frank. You know, there's a vogue for that, isn't there? You dye it red or black and turn it into evening wear. Oh, clever. I can imagine dyeing one black and wearing little fingerless gloves for a slight gothic look.

Can you imagine that? Helena Bonham Carter always needs a nice dress. But I'd say probably once you're married, you're gothic day, so they're gone, aren't they? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think, Frank, we've had an outside world. We've had a number of outside worlds. Welcome back, everyone.

In response to your where is your wedding dress, or words to that effect, you asked, 718 has come back with a fabulously retro response. The wife's wedding dress, note the wife, loving this work already, is in the garage. 25 years last week. I'd be out by now. Oh, it's that joke.

He's gone for that one. Now, can I say that joke has been modified? Because it used to be. Max Bygraves, the popular entertainer, said to me, I've been married 38 years the uh the great train robbers didn't get that long but i don't think the great train robbers now i don't think you can oh you're right it's not an easy i don't think they're in the criminal seat anymore no no i don't know who he is but you know um yeah, it's... But the way you said the wife's wedding dress is in,

that suggested that his wedding dress is somewhere else. Yeah, that's in the loft, yeah. That's the marriage that she doesn't know about. Yeah. I wonder, Patrick Troughton, apparently, the second Doctor Who... 15 minutes in. And already Troughton.

I mean... I hope I don't do him wrong on this, but I think he had two separate households. You know those people that have two separate households that the other ones don't know about? Wow. But I mean, I think, to be fair... That's quite an accusation if it's not correct. Well, to be fair, one of them was in 1875.

No, I will obviously, if it's incorrect, I'd take it back. Solve. All due apologies. I mean, I don't mind admitting I'm struggling with the bills on one house. I know. Let alone the upkeep on two.

Not just the bills, but just the hassle. The memory, the memory. Do you know, I'd find that very reassuring if I was Mrs Cockpool. No offence. He's too stingy to be leading a double life. You are never going to do that because you would never pay for the bills on two houses. You're absolutely right.

Well, in my wilder days, which I'm not proud of, obviously, I went out with five women simultaneously at one point. And the admin... I mean, am I going to do legend? Does it always happen to me to say legend? The admin does sound a nightmare. It's a stress fart. Of course, looking back, I realise it was my way

of avoiding commitment to any of those people. Good night. It's got that out of the way, I think. Look forward to the tribunal. Mind you, I love a tribunal. Never do you feel more the centre of attention goat we were talking about earlier me and Al

oh yeah we had a gout chat somebody brought up goat I don't know where we I think it was on the radio oh yeah I think there was a oh yeah Matt Berry the voice of Absolute Radio did a jingle about goat in the knee

and then we debated whether you can get gout in the knee. I've never had it. And gout is one of the great triggers. You know, there are certain triggers that you can say something and if there's three people in the room, or even two, one of them will say something about you. And if you say gout, someone will always say, very painful, very painful.

As if there aren't... There's a whole array of things that are very painful, but for some reason, gout is in the very painful chair. Can I say, who is in the gout chair? I would say it's my man. Henry VIII. He's still there. I would argue there have been no pretenders

to that particular gout throne. Yeah, the only other people I know that have had it are not at Henry VIII's level of fame. I mean, my mother-in-law, I think she's had it. For me... I thought Bob Monkhouse, I'm sorry, Rose Dawson. It's the older guy in the Laurel and Hardy film Perfect Day who has the classic bandaged foot.

The heavily, which at one point the dog starts fighting with and stuff like that. How wonderful. I think I'm okay being back so far. Yeah. Well, come back. Yeah. I was a bit nervous this morning.

Were you? Yeah. The driving mainly. Oh, it's good. It keeps you on your toes. I'm fine with it because I'm there on my own, but, you know, I just, I don't know. I'll be all right.

I'll be all right. It's not... I found... I didn't think Boris Johnson gave me the pep talk I wanted pre-return to studio. A bit let down. He's supposed to be supporting small businesses. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You opened up a text in about what did you do with your wedding dress earlier. Something I've often wondered, because a lot of money is spent on a wedding dress, and then often just gone. Well, 642 was sent as a message, which has various chapters in it. After a couple of years of marriage and going through a rough time, I decided I would never need the dress again and I would never get married again and I very unceremoniously stuffed it in the wheelie bin.

I wonder what the dustman thought. Anyway, we were still happily married 36 years on, so it wasn't an omen from Della in Camberley. You see, if I was in a marriage that was going badly, I'd hold on to the wedding day. It's your only real chance of using it again. Yes, exactly. You arrive at different conclusions.

Well, you all know what I would opt for, as I've said many times on this show, for giving white trousers a suit, very second marriage with Frank, to angry stepchildren. Nice. Giving you evils. We've also got Eileen,

come on, from Leeds. Morning, Frank, Alan and Emily D. Oh, says some praise, which I'm going to leave out. In answer to the wedding dress question, mine was made into my daughter's christening gown. It was never

going to be worn again, so it seemed a good idea. Continuity. Now you can have, this is multiple choice. You either go, oh, lovely, or, oh, cheapskate. Guess which side I fall on. Yeah, I like it. You could, maybe that

eventually, actually I wonder if people inherit wedding dresses so you wear your mother's wedding dress. Yeah, I like it. Oh. You could catch... Maybe that eventually... Actually, I wonder if people inherit wedding dresses, so you wear your mother's wedding dress. Oh. Or your father's. I think I've... Sorry, I think I've had a while with it. Don't worry.

Producer's holding up a sign saying, expand. But I think I'm okay. Oh, dear. This is difficult times. Yeah. But I think I'm okay. Oh, dear, this is difficult times. Yeah, so what I was going to say is something I've forgotten, so I'll say something else. Okay.

I tell you, I'm stressed. I understand. I feel like a French resistance radio operator. I do. Yeah, risking everything for the cause. Yes. We'll be playing the cause later, by the way. We won't.

Don't switch off. No, I know they're much loved. Are we the only ones doing the show? Are there other Absolute Radio people? Yes, I think Bush and Ritchie. Are they? Okay. I just want to know who's been across the area.

That's a small shop next to me that make jams and other preservatives. Oh, by the way, on the subject of the cause, which we were briefly, I had cause to look up Jim Corr. Oh, yes. Recently. He was an interesting character.

Yes. But not that. He's very much a man at the centre of conspiracy ideas and things. But it said, you know when you see something on Wikipedia and you think, I don't believe that. I just don't believe it. It says that a Jim Corr is a keen breeder of budgerigars. Oh.

Now that to me sounds like one of those things that people just put on Wikipedia. You know Will Mellor's, you remember Will Mellor? Yeah. You know Will Mellor's... You remember Will Mellor? Yeah. Will Mellor was a whole section on his non-league football career, which never happened.

So, and of course, my terrible, I've told you about before, when I worked with Faye Tozer of Steps, and I said, so I understand you're a trampoline champion, and she flew off the handle. She said, I'm sick of people asking me that. It's complete rubbish. But I bet you were very understanding with the person

who gave you that information incorrectly in the brief. It was on Wikipedia. Yes, I took it in full Ellen DeGeneres calmness. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. full Ellen DeGeneres calmness. Sorry, can we just refer quickly to your ongoing wedding dress text in. Your little text in.

Matt Homewood has been in touch via Twitter. Morning, Matt. My wife asked me to clear out the loft and I took a load of suitcases to the tip Unbeknown to me one had my wife's wedding dress in it Needless to say she will never let me forget this

That's Matt en route to Cornwall so he chucked out the wedding dress But isn't that a typical home for a wedding dress? Shoved in an old suitcase. Yeah. There's a terrible... In an age where we want to recycle stuff.

Yeah. I suppose you can't have... You can't have homeless people in wedding dresses walking about. No, it'd be too romantic. Oh, no, alluring. No, about. No, it'd be too romantic. Oh, no, alluring. No, wrong. Yeah, some would be wrong with it anyway.

Maybe they should, yeah. It's a thought, though. What can you do with them? 8, 12, 15, as we say. Face masks. By the way, the last time I was on, because it was a pre-record, I was pointing out that I didn't know whether or not West Bromwich Albion

had attained promotion to the Premier League. That job is done. But can I tell you a little twist in this tale? When it happened, I watched the match, obviously. It was a sort of a twisted, difficult, could have gone one way or the other match. At the end of it, it was more relief than joy for about an hour.

But, and I don't want to go into too much, but there was a position where it looked like all was lost the week before and then Brentford lost to Stoke. A glamorous laugh. Now, I watched that game and when the game was over and it meant West Brom had a chance, I went into my garden and ran round the garden three times. Not whooping or anything,

but just to get rid of the excess of excitement that I had in me. Now, we had guests. We had those garden guests that we have nowadays who are in the garden but who I don't know that well but it had to be done or I really could feel it in my shoulders so I wonder

I mean I've gone slightly texting mad because I'm so excited we're live, how do you deal with excitement? That's what I'd like to know. Keep it clean, please. Yeah, it's a daytime show, guys. Yeah, I don't know. We'll have a bit of

filth, I think. I think now I've caught us a bit of slack. We've been off doing it from our bedrooms for a long time. You know what you've just... Now we're going to have to read it, but you're not going to read it on the show. Why?

We're sifting through this stuff. No, don't. Don't send it. Send it to... Deluge is what we're going to get. We have a late night show on the new channel, Absolute Filth. Send it.

Send it to there. No, we don't do any of that, for goodness sake. Welcome, by the way, to the Premier League. I think it's... I mean, it's hard. It's hard here. It's absolutely horrible. It's the strangest victory.

I sent some consolation text to my fellow absolute presenter, Matt Ford. Oh, yeah. Who's... Nottingham Forest had a less happy end to the season and he said oh congratulations and I said to him it's like winning a lion

in a raffle you're glad you've won the raffle but then you think oh no I've got to deal with this and that's what it's like so yeah it's a brutal prize I think it's fair to say. This time next year, I think we know what the theme will be.

You've had some hashtag football bants. Oh, no, not bants. You don't want bants? No, go on. Am I allowed to read the Bantz? I read a thing recently that suggested that I was one of the inventors of banter. You invented Bantz? Not true. There was banter on Hadrian's Wall.

Oh, pretty sure. 306 has said, Frank, to celebrate West Brom's promotion to the Premier League, would it be appropriate to play straight Back Down by Curiosity Kill the Cat? Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just reading it out. Absolute banger of a song, though. It's a good song, and I think it's all right as Bantz. It's all right as Bantz.

Can I say, I like your gaffer. Oh, yes. Slaven. Yeah, it's a bit... I think he has the sense of an intellectual East European professor type. I think he looks like Dostoevsky. Yeah.

And I love that in a manager. Yeah, there isn't enough of that, I think. And he's got a sort of a hunched demeanour about him. I always think he wants a cigarette. Right. Oh, he's gasping for one. He's got that look. Maybe a pipe.

Oh, I can see him with a pipe. Am I getting a promotion pipe? That'd be nice. Get one carved for him. That would be really nice, yeah. Nice Meerschaum. Pardon? You know a Meerschaum, the ones with the faces on the front.

I didn't. Get one of that with his face on. Oh, lovely. Do you know what's going to be so cute? You can watch your team on TV. Because you would listen on the CB radios or something before, wouldn't you? During lockdown. I've been on quite a lot.

We'll be on the stickers, that's the thing. Lovely. I mean, bars intimated. My son supports Tottenham Hotspur. That's him. And he intimated to me that there was a possibility that if we bought Harry Kane in the close season, he might become a West Brom fan.

Oh, that's nice. Wow. Yeah. So. How do you feel about that? I mean, you heard it here first. If he's doing a lot of work in the descendants. I think there's a real...

Heavy lifting. Yeah, yeah. Getting a bit of back strain. I think there's a real possibility they'll buy Harry Kane in the close season. Okay. But it'll be 11 or 12 years time. That's my theory.

I'll tell you what I... Oh, I'll tell... Oh, no, listen. I'll tell you what I've been doing a bit. I've been playing badminton. Have you? Lawn badminton. I love that.

And I've never really played badminton before. Good girl. Yeah, I tell you what. You you know when you're new to something, I think you're more appreciative. Yeah. Think back. And it amazes me that I never hit the feathers. By the time it comes to me, I'm always hitting that spongy bit.

I couldn't, it's a joy. Yes. I always think surely now and again i'll hit the feathers i've never hit the feathers once and where are you playing this in your garden mainly in my garden yeah when he's not running around it in celebration yeah running around it playing badgers i have a game with you i'm rather good at badminton. I wish I'd played more. But, I mean, what a death bed regret that would be. Frankly,

just, well, I wish I'd played more badminton. Go on. People around you. That's it. It's a comedian, you say. A long time ago. I always think of it as the sort of tennis for the person who prefers to read.

I think tennis for scientists. Lovely, Frank. Because the shuttlecock, it shouldn't, but it does, and I love that. You know they always say bees shouldn't fly. Do they? But they do. Yeah, I think aerodynamically they're rubbish bees

apparently I love the sound of the shuttlecock I love the sound of breaking glass especially in the night Wow more big fans of the shuttlecock who shouts in the night if you ever shout in the night when you're out in the street by my house shouting in the night what Who are those people? What sort of thing do they shout? I often can't even tell what they're shouting. And women as well.

Really shouting. And I think, why are you doing that? Yeah. Do you shout in the night? 8, 12, 15. Keep it clean. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We are live in the studio. You can text us on 8.12.15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've got some bad news for you guys. We're at the end of an era. Argos is stopping printing its actual catalogue. I get the feeling... End of an era stuff.

...that people are genuinely moved by that. Well, I am. I was keen on it. I used to get it early. I'd get it in hardback before everybody else would get it. I used to buy the airport edition, which is a half-by-house

between a hardback and a softback. So it's been cancelled. It didn't do a bad tweet or something. No. But this is because of online reasons, presumably. Yeah, I think there's still going to be some in some stores, but mainly I think people are going on their gadgets, aren't they, and not bothering with the actual thing.

This sounds like a sort of weird, made-up reminisce, but I remember looking through catalogues as almost like a family hobby. Oh yeah my mum ran a catalogue. Most of the women in our street I think the mums ran a catalogue club which they sold stuff and they made like you know made about

eight bob commission every three months. 40p Yeah but they would all be, and like, you know, we used to look at the, I know I'm saying that. I know what you used to look at. Yeah, but there was Littlewoods Grattons, and they were like fat books.

Yeah. Sharp-cornered, fat paperback books. I think they've all gone as well. I think they have, yeah. Well, we would order them because we didn't get them in our house for some reason. And so my sister and I would order them. And it said you had to be 18. So we would lie.

And we got told off when they arrived. Because I don't know why you had to be 18 for something. Anyway. But I can remember getting very excited, my nan, they were very much a nan thing for me. I got so excited by some of the technology, Frank. The goblin tea is made. Yeah, but those pages where they put electrical things,

for some reason, there was less white bits on them that would cram them. It was like you'd walked into you'd walked into the 21st century accident it was stuffed the page was right up to the corners of the pages with the cable frank it was technology without borders if you know what i mean that's nice and what i particularly loved was there was the elizabeth duke uh very classy jewelry range range at the front of the book as we called it. Was that at the front? It was called Elizabeth Duke and then they would always have

the household objects concealing the safe, the plug socket for example. I remember there was always quite a big section on cat pink very popular then school bags or sport bags really. We hadn't got a pot on camping. Very popular then. Yeah.

School bags or sport bags. We haven't got a pot. But we went camping. Frank, my favourite though. What about the double spread of the lighters? The gold lighters. Oh my God.

I think you might be looking at it. See, I think jewellery much further back. No. Okay. Anyway, this is Argos. I've never been a big Argos. I have bought from Argos but I've never been. I don't like the weight in. Okay. Anyway, this is Argos. I've never been a big Argos.

I have bought from Argos, but I've never been. I don't like the waiting. Yeah, it's not for you. The waiting area is very like relatives waiting for news of the Titanic. It's got that feeling that the dog's going to come out and make a terrible announcement. Yeah. But from what I've read this week, people are genuine, a bit like yourself,

saying, oh, God, yeah, I remember. Yeah. Of course, they've now opened themselves completely to Russian cyber pirates by taking it online. Of course. Yes. That's silly.

And the man, I liked that it was called Argos because I thought, oh, this is obviously a nice nod to some sort of classical mythology. And it was because it was A in the Yellow Pages. Oh. Oh, I see. That's why I went with Alan Cochran, so that would move up the roster of comedians.

I wish now I'd gone for Aardvark. Frank Aardvark. Because Aardvark never killed anyone, of course. No, I should have gone for that. How often do you see a sort of registry of stand-up comedians? Not so much. No, it doesn't exist, for goodness sake. It was one...

I'll tell you what I had during this story, and I get this now and again. Oh, hold on, I forgot how to do the radio show. The producer's given me one. She's got the fence. She does a thing where she holds her clenched fist, I would say, between three and five centimetres away from my face, and I know then that it's time to go to music.

Frank, can I briefly thank one of our loyal readers? Please. I believe his name's Adam Lethbridge, and he sent me a Latin version of Winnie the Pooh. Wow. Winnie il Pooh. Thank you so much. Oh, it doesn't sound that.

You think you want it to be Winarium. Yes. Ilpuget, or something like that. Winarium. Yeah. Thank you very much. How is it coming on, the Latin? Be honest. I can't be. It's hard. How is it coming on, the Latin? Be honest.

I can't be... It's hard. It is hard. It's so hard, this Latin business. Is Latin in the past for you now? Well, you know what, I still... Sometimes I'll check in, but it's... Medical stuff. I don't know if I've got the brain for it these days.

Oh, come off it. Come off it. If you haven't got the brain for it these days. Oh, come off it. Come off it. If you haven't got the brain for it, who has? I had parent-company surprise syndrome, which I get now and again when I'm reading about companies. That's when I find out who owns. Oh, I see.

So when I read Argos, it said, and the CEO of Sainsbury's said, no, mind your own business. Yeah. It's got to do with you. Back down your end of the pitch. Yeah, certainly. Just keep your nose out of it. And then it said, he said that we're getting rid of the catalues. It'll help us to flex our range. Yeah.

He said. I presume he meant the electrical. No, I don't think he did. Sounds like what you're looking at. What does it mean? I think he means, like, you know, shrink some things if Nudd is buying it and then buy more and sell more of the things people are buying. So, you know, Argos might think,

oh, we're not selling so many Tees Maids, but we're doing a great job on fidget spinners and face masks, so we can easily do that online, can't we? Oh, okay. And that was better than a catalogue? I think so. I'm guessing. Hang on.

I'm not a retail captain. Al's suddenly the expert of the Argonauts. You know. Alan of the Argonauts. I noticed when you went to Al, because Flex came up, and you thought, oh, that's his area. Flex.

No, but I did not know that Sainsbury's owned Argos. And I'm constantly thinking this more and more when I'm reading it. And I think, I never knew. And what's your most surprising parent company revelation? 8, 12, 15. I discovered, for example, that Nestle. You know Nestle. Yeah. In my youth, my childhood, that Nestle, you know Nestle? Yeah.

In my youth, my childhood, were known as Nestles with an apostrophe S. Nestles Milky Bar. Those were in the days when I was growing up, children, can I tell you, that we didn't adopt foreign pronunciations. We anglicised. So there used to be a joke, for example, which wouldn't work anymore. Okay.

And it was football results. And it used to be Real Madrid, six, Surreal Madrid, a fish. And that's because we called them Real Madrid because that's what it looked like. But there was no Real in those days. But anyway. The old ways have gone.

Nestle, let's call them. Eventually they became Nestle. I think they just thought the English people won't get Nestle. If we put an accent on the E, they won't buy it. Yeah. the english people won't get messed up if we put an accent on the e they won't bite yeah um they own um ralph loren they don't no how can that this is the milky surprise this is the milky bar i'm gonna give you that that is a big surprise yeah i mean there you go you're not going to get crossover with Ralph Lauren and the Milky Bar. No, but they also own polos. Oh. Something's going on.

I mean, no, look at me like that. Something's going on. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I had a slight Idiota Eureka moment this week. And it fits in with what we've been talking about.

I was talking about the fact that Nestle own Ralph Lauren. Lauren or Lauren, because it's not an original name. OK. What would you say? I'd say Ralph Lauren, only because I think of him as American rather than French. I'm going with you. Can I say, by the way, that there's a thing that... Implied judgement, even though I'm saying it's fine. There's a thing that Emily...

I've heard Emily say a couple of times which always makes me laugh very heartily. Some jokes, it doesn't matter if you hear them, they get better when you hear them. And it's to do with the fact that the people of Pink Floyd, who all, I think, had quite good educations, wrote a song called The War in which they're all sort of rebellious about, you know, teaching.

And what is it that you say? I say, because I think I discovered one of them might have gone to Eton or such like, and I changed or adapted the lyrics to, hey, Provost, leave those kids alone. Which always really affects me. Really kills me. Anyway, someone was talking about that song this week. I was with my family,

and I think it just was on the radio or something. And I really wanted Emily, I wanted to quote Emily on it. And I could not remember the word provost. I was actually Googling, because Catherine was saying, why are you on your phone? I was Googling Eton staff, seeing if I could find the thing. You could have texted me.

I kept getting Bursa. Oh, you don't want that. No. It scans, but it's not as good as provost. You could have texted me. I kept getting Bursa. Oh, you don't want that. It scans, but it's not as good as Provost. You're right. Provost is more Rees-Mogg, which is why it works. I thought about texting you, I must admit. But of course, I'm glad.

I refuse to misquote it, because I knew there is only one way to get it. Good for you. And so I just let it pass. And it's... Oh, man, it's given me great pleasure to hear it again. Anyway, that's not my idiotic eureka. On the subject of being owned by Nestle.

Yeah. Nestles. I'm sticking with Nestles. I found that they own Nespresso. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should have guessed that. George Clooney! You didn't guess that?

I didn't guess that. I didn't guess Nescafe is there. That surprises me. I didn't guess Nescafe. You did. I didn't. Oh, come on. He didn't.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Yeah. Nesquik is theirs. I didn't guess that. He didn't. Let it go. Nes and Dorm theirs. I didn't guess that. He didn't. Let it go. Ness and Dorma. They own that.

Loch Ness Monster. Oh, yeah. And all nests. Wow. All nests. Yeah. That is such a lie. I should have seen.

They're expanding into nests of tables. Can I tell you, the table nest, that's peak Argonaut. I don't know if they own that to be cut. Now you come to mind, I'm not sure it's table nests. I think it's all home based nests. I think they might

have a percentage of Robin's nest, the 76. But no, I don't want anyone thinking that that nests lay own nests of tables I think that's wrong Frank Skinner

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio You know I was so glad when you two turned up at the studio this morning not because I didn't want to do the show on my own. Not only for that reason. But being

in a closed room with two women in masks is a very odd, unsettling Like you're not used to it. Yeah, there's cameras in here. Cameras, women in masks. Any road up?

Have we had any responses to my... I've gone a bit crazy today on the text-ins because we haven't been able to do it for ages. We've got several plates running, haven't we? One of them is... Sorry, can I just interrupt? Speaking of things we haven't been able to do for ages, can I remind you that I'm with Emily Dean this morning?

Well, she's all you'd ever want She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner And also, Alan Cochran is here. Everybody was going for a fight And I, of course, Frank Skinner. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world of course, Frank Skinner. I've had no jingles for 18 weeks. Yes.

And now we're back. You were requesting information on various topics, one of which is surprise, what was it, surprise company ownership? Your parent. Parent company, that's right. 017, did you know that the British School of Motoring used to own Spud you like? Promise.

Oh, shut up. It does not get more 70s than that. I mean, I don't know if... That's not real. For me, the promise at the end does give it some extra weight. Yeah. But at the same time, is it... Oh, no, I do like that.

You like it? Oh, I'm so excited. That's a diet, isn't it? Yeah, it really is. For you, maybe. That is brilliant. And a slightly more contentious one, possibly. 855, the Vatican Bank is the main shareholder

in Pietro Beretta Arms Company, a rather controversial investment from Joe in Sheffield. I'm sorry. Didn't know that. Can I say, Pope Francis is trying to clean up the Vatican Bank. They've been involved in a lot of dodginess. Have they? Yeah, it's not good.

Are you some sort of Peter Mandelson figure for them? I mean, they can speak for themselves. I'll have fish and chips and the guacamole. Oh, very good. Was that Peter Mandelson? I think it was. Oh, in that case, I think I... We should say, in case people don't know what we're referring to,

everyone will, will they? Well, what they say is that Peter Mandelson, who was one of Tony Blair's... Minister of that portfolio. Yeah. He went into a fish and chip shop as a sort of photo shoot and asked for guacamole seeing Moshi Peas. We've all done it.

I would love to think that he thought, I'm a bit of a posh bloke, I'm going to do this gag. Yes. That's for guacamole, but we'll never know. If you were there, if you were in the chip shop, text us 812. I owe Michael Portillo an apology because I told my wife that story about Michael Portillo

the other day in a mistaken identity moment. Oh, well, I owe him an apology because I realise now I've been calling him Michael Portaloo since the 90s. I saw him on telly the other day. Now, he's a man who likes red trousers. He loves red trousers. Wow.

He loves them. Well, he was also, Frank, responsible for one of your favourite Bon Mo when he described a female journalist to me as the worst person I've ever met, and I've met General Pinochet. He always looks, Michael Portillo, as if he's got his face pressed against a window. I hope that hasn't formed from years of doing that. When he's got that little railway book. Come off it, Michael.

Doing well, though. He's getting more telly than me, to be fair. God. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now, what have we had?

Well... Text galore. Joe from Sheffield. You were discussing what have you done with your wedding dress. 678, Joe from Sheffield has said, I sold mine and used the money to buy laminate flooring for our new home. Now, isn't that that moment when you get married where romance hands over the baton to practicality.

Yes. It's beautiful. I mean, what about just having one as a throw and having your wedding dress just constantly over the back of the sofa? Yes. As a reminder, but it's not hallowed. It's a reminder, but it's not hallowed. It's just there. And then in years it's just sort of tattered and frayed.

And I've got a country mouse vacuum cleaner cover. A what? Well, I've got a combine harvester. Oh, nice. A mouse? It's a large, obviously it's large because it's over an upright vacuum cleaner and it's a country mouse thing. What?

And you put it over the vacuum cleaner and it looks like a figure standing in the cupboard. Like a tea cozy but for a vacuum cleaner. Like a vacuum cleaner tea cozy. It's one of his lies. No it really is not. It is not. I think he's telling the truth. It is not. He got firm there. It is not. I quite firm there. It is not.

I quite liked it. Is this one of your funny lies? No, it's an absolute true thing. And we got it from a charity shop. Kath. Sounds nice. That's my partner. And it looks like a sort of Beatrix Potter figure, but I couldn't identify it.

I think it's generic. Generic country mouse in bonnet and stuff. And you put it over the vacuum cleaner. Do you? Anyone else with a vacuum cleaner cover? 8, 12, 15. I'm still waiting for the punchline. This is just a genuine thing that you do.

No, I don't think there is one. I think it's an anecdote. You keep a phone to the country mouse, like we all know what this is. Well, you know I'm Beatrix Potter. Yes, I know, but country mouse isn't a thing, Frank. It is. It's not like you look very country mouse.

It absolutely is. You've got to imagine it in, like, gingham, a bonnet and a little apron. Mm-hm. Yeah, come on. I think I should read a message that... It's almost a civic duty to read this one out. 298.

My mum gave me her beautiful silk wedding dress. I was a 16 year old goth. I dyed it black and chopped it up and then threw it away. I was horrible. Sorry mum. Chopped it up and threw it away? Yeah. What kind of crazy ritual is that?

You could have just popped it on the vacuum cleaner. I don't think I, the goths. No. Can I ask you a question? Well, to death. They talk a lot about that. Very far ahead. Can I ask you a question, whatever happened to

the mustard-coloured home appliance, which was such a big thing back in the day, when you talked about all your talk of vacuum cleaners and country mouse fantasies uh it reminded me the sludge green yellow hoover you just don't get that with appliances anymore the white everything has got to be box fresh and white yeah yes is that i've never really noticed that i think we've got gray have you yeah you're looking back to the the racing green vacuum cleaner okay go faster stripes yeah yeah we had uh lawnmower that had like my name on

one side in the sunshade and the other one, no, not really. That was a lie. All the fares has arrived. I'm going to try and secure a photo now of that vacuum thing. I'm going to text my partner. Texts galore was what I said earlier, I think, which will be the name of a woman in the next... James Bond? Correct, James Bond.

What's this? Frank, I thought Josh Whittakin won that Country Mouse vacuum cover on Taskmaster. This is from 309. Oh, did he? What's this? I think he might have let me keep it. Oh, did he?

So I took it on Taskmaster, did I? Well, now the evidence is mounting up, Emily Dean. Jacques Hughes. He was on it as well. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show

on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And you can you really can text us because we are live in the studio today and that makes me very happy. And for anyone who's just joining

us, this is for you. Good morning Tokyo Good morning Tokyo Good morning Tokyo It's lovely the warmth the warmth Happy to be seeing you Happy to be seeing you

Ah Frank I can smell the wasabi You've opened the floodgates a bit with talk of your country mouse, close quotes, hoover cover. And I'd like to offer you a formal apology for doubting you. Oh, this is good to hear. Don't get used to it.

611, my mum had a pig hoover cover. It's not a lie. Oprite pig. How dare you. 719. My mum has a country doll cover for her hoover. She is 80, though. That's Bob in...

Sorry. Thanks. Bob. I think that's a zing, isn't it? She is 80, though. Yeah, I'm sorry. Well, I think, you know, you've got to... I love history.

That's good. I don't know where the country mouse vacuum cover fits in that, but, you know, we're not going to be touchy about it. No. Out else. Well, Ian Angle has texted a joke. Ian Angle? I thought a very rich shake owned Nesquik.

Oh, that's good. And had to welcome back. That's a good job. And we've had an explanation on the business thing. 455, re-Argos. You know I love a text that begins re. Re-Argos. Flex the range means that they can stop selling non-performing items

and add new ones. If they had a printed catalogue, they would have to update the content and reprint. By doing online only, they just update the website. There's no need to update. If people aren't buying it, it doesn't matter if it's still in there, does it? Well, exactly.

Next. This is what George Rinder's life must be like. He should be on Dragon's Den with that kind of clear business thinking ah dragon's day would you ever go on i'm gonna offer you eight quid for ninety percent of your business it's easy isn't it i can't leave i can't leave like this um there's a little extract from Dragon's Den there, a little trailer. Do you watch Dragon's Den? I watched a best of recently.

I hadn't watched it for a while, and I got the hold. What's your favourite drag? Un. I like... Un. I like the... No, I don't know all the names. Theo Pavitis?

No. Oh, he's gone ages ago, hasn't he? No, no, he was on the best. Is he still on? I like the tall guy. Oh, Peter? Yeah. He's very you.

No, well, he told me that when he was... Peter... I went to the producer to ask and she's masked. She's a masked figure, so she can't help us. No, and I like Bannon Tide. Peter Jones. Yeah, I like Bannon Tide. Peter Jones. Yeah, I like Bannon Tide. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He used to live in my flat. He still... Remember, I saw him get measured up for a suit from my window. You sound like you're Mickey Flanagan. No, well, I don't, if Duncan Bannon...

I think Duncan Bannon... I once introduced him as my favourite billionaire. Does he still have the Danny Zuko quiff, Bannon Time? I think he's a billionaire, yes. Really? I don't believe that. And he started off... That's the spirit.

He started off with an ice cream van. Did he? What about that? I say, what about that? Mine is always... I love Meaden I really like Meaden solid you know where you stand and she's firm but fair well I did a show with her once

and at the end I said did you enjoy it she said I was awful and I felt critical yeah I felt bad about it was she no next I felt critical. Yeah, I felt bad about it. Was she? No! Next! No, it's still a good show.

Frank, I don't know if we've got time for these. I don't think we have because the Fez has arrived. What we've been doing, what we've been recording remotely, I should say, we've had to use sort of stopwatch watches so that we haven't gone over time um and now we're back in the more laissez-faire attitude i don't know what laissez-faire means but it sounds right about right now we're now we're back in that we're getting a bit cash but i'm gonna i'm gonna leave you for a second now we'll be back with uh with uh all sorts of juiciness.

On Absolute Radio. Can I just delve back into some correspondence from our readers? Delve away. Thank you so much. Which came, it's actually in response to last week's show various things came up. We had some things in circulation. We had some things in circulation.

We had Clint Eastwood facts, which we'll get to momentarily. Oh, yeah. We also... Sorry, I'm still laughing at, hey, Provost. It's the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? I'm delighted it's gone so well for me. It's really fantastic.

We also... You also were talking about in at the deep end experiences. Do you want to give an example, Frank, from your own life? Well, I think the best one was from Al's life. His first ever aeroplane trip was to Australia. Yeah. I think one of our readers, Imran Bellim, can beat you on that. I thought I'd share my in at the deep end experience with you.

This is Imran's first flight. My father's family were based in Pakistan after the partition. In 1984, my dad wanted to take us to meet his family. We were excited to be going on the plane for the first time. We had a stopover in Kuwait

where we briefly met our uncle. When we boarded the plane, around an hour in, the plane was taken over by some Lebanese hijackers. They were shooting on the plane and forced the plane to land in Tehran, Iran. We spent three to four days hostage on the runway before women and children were negotiated off in exchange for fuel and passage to Lebanon, the men stayed on for a further few days until eventually Iranian authorities

stormed the plain and freed the remaining hostages. To top things off, when we got back to England, the pipes had burst and the house was flooded. That's Imran. That's good stuff. I hope he got some of those little bags of pretzels at least.

That is, has he ever flown again? I hope he got some of those little bags of pretzels, at least. That is... Has he ever flown again? I suppose he must have flown out. That is... I mean... Isn't that like... Do you remember that The World According to Garp? Yes.

Well, I think by John, I think, was it? And there's a bit... I haven't read the book, but I've seen the movie with Robin Williams, and there's a bit where he's buying a house and a small plane crashes into the roof just as he's about to take the lease from the guy. And the guy says, oh, I guess you don't want it now. He said, no, I want it even more now

because what's the chances of that happening twice? And maybe that's how Imran says, no... No flight will be worse than that. Yeah. But Imran, you know what? I'm so... Obviously, I appreciate this must have been fairly traumatic. So jealous. But I am quite jealous that when people say,

what was the first flight you ever got? Come on, pulling that out the bag, Imran. What he wants to hope is some charity book called my first flight and he'll be able to blow away all opposition I don't know if that'll happen or if Imran will get the call if it did

but you know I'm happy to put a wording for it I like to give people a leg up early on meanwhile over in Clint Eastwood facts oh yes and last week on. Meanwhile, over in Clint Eastwood Facts Corner... Oh, yes, and last week I was talking about your favourite Clint Eastwood facts. Oh, yeah. E.g. sacked for having a too big Adam's apple from a film.

And didn't you also say he was allergic to horses? Allergic to horses. I thought that was like a big thing that everyone knew. I did not know that. I found that very interesting. Well, we've had quite a few out, haven't we, of the facts in. Fire away. We've had Ali Nadeem.

The only one I can remember is that he can actually shoot a gun without blinking. Wow. He can shoot a gun without what? Blinking. I think most people blink, don't they? Oh, do they? I think so, yeah. I've never shoot a gun without Blinking I think most people blink don't they Oh do they I think so yeah I've never shot a gun Yet

But I'd like a go at it Thanks for telling us Just to check to see if I blink or not Is it a bit like eating a donut but without licking your lips Oh Yeah maybe it is Or describing a spiral staircase without doing that

without demonstrating it with your hands that's another biggie and we're moving we'll get in trouble we need to go to a break I'm going to make it a cliffhanger a clean tanga I'm not sure about that I love it

I felt uneasy halfway through it felt like somebody you might see stuck to a sheep. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. You were in the middle of something. I interrupted you and now we probably don't remember what it was. Oh, don't worry about that. I think it was some Clint Eastwood fact.

Oh, yes. As many of my ex-partners will. Oh, don't worry about that. I think it was some Clint Eastwood fact. Oh, yes. As many of my ex-partners will tell you, I never forget a thing. Clint Eastwood facts for you from our readers. Paul Stuart Mordew, he survived a plane crash in 1951 and swam three miles to shore. Wow.

That's great. That is... What a guy. I mean mean i liked him anyway but now i like i wonder if he's allergic to seahorses oh come on that's what a guy all right calm down do you want uh another fact did i tell you when i was on a plane once with Mark Foster, the Olympic swimmer, and when they did the safety thing at the

beginning, he was just reading a magazine looking slightly affronted that he just wouldn't. I'll just swim off and save everyone. Can I just say, from now on, unless your plane anecdote ends with we're negotiated off in exchange for fuel and passage to Lebanon, I don't want to know.

I don't know. What about if Clint Eastwood contributes to my first flight? Oh, come on. But we don't know it was his first flight, of course. OK, do you want another fact? Oh, yes. Clint, Clint, Clint, Clint, Clint, Clint, Clint. Careful with that.

David Cronenberg's wife on Twitter. I don't think that's real, but, you know... That's a handle. Yeah. Clint Eastwood was taught by Anton Chekhov's nephew. What a life he's had. Taught what, though? Acting.

Oh, acting. I'm assuming this would have been Stanislavski school related. Yeah. Do you see? Maybe wrong, but that's my assumption. What a guy he is. Yeah. You know, another shock I had about him, he's a vegan.

He's not. He is. He is. He's a vegan. Well, we've had a text in saying that meatloaf is vegetarian. That's just wrong. You know, meatloaf. Do you want a final?

Do you want a final, Clint? You'll be telling me next that the popular rock star, not Kotlet, is a carnivore. That's N-U-double-T, if you want to get the album. Do you want another, Clint? Give me another, Clint. Gavin Phelan when directing he never uses

the word action or cut he prefers go ahead and that's enough of that. Does he actually do the line from the old bazaar in Cairo where he goes oompa oompa that's enough of that.

Well a friend of mine was directed by Clint Eastwood and he said at the beginning of the, and it was a proper big cast, like James Woods was in it and stuff. And Clint Eastwood said

there's a golf tournament and I'd really like to be in it. So second takes, let's make that the exception. And they hardly did a second. There was one when James Woods said, I really want to do this.

No, I can save that. And he said, no, no, I really want to do it. He said, no, I can save that. And he said, no, no, I really want to do it again. No, no. And he made the tournament plate. Interestingly enough, one of the other facts, which I don't have to hand now, but that's okay. I can improvise. It was suggesting that he was famous for that,

was sort of doing everything in one take and always bringing films in under budget and on time. Hmm. Top man. 90 as well. You love Clint Eastwood today. I love Clint Eastwood for a long time. Yes, true.

There was a time when the only films I used to go and see was Clint Eastwood. Really? More being in them. I'm talking about westerns mainly, but also any violent film. Can I tell you what I can imagine? I can imagine you in a sort of denim,

quite tight denim jacket and matching jeans, waiting outside a Birmingham cinema for the Orangutan one. Yeah, or playing Misty for me again. Nice. Yeah, there was a lot of that. What a great, great fax, that. I can't imagine many film stars who could dish up fax like these. Shall we try next week?

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've got some breaking news about Elton John's electricity bill. Is Elton John a friend of the show, do you think?

I don't know. I think it is. Come on, Frank, play it. I mean, there's no sort of official friend of the show criteria, but I don't think he's actually despotic enough to fit your... I see him as the cold, distant, often-doesn't-speak-to-you-at-all neighbour of the show. Right. OK.

OK. Well, it's come to light this week that he has extraordinarily high electricity bills in a news article that I thought was very wittily headlined, Socket Man. Yeah, very good. I was really pleased by that. But, you know, whenever there's any singer or musician in any news story, they just go to discography and just see if any of the songs work as a pun.

Well, that's the formula, guys, if you want to do this at home. On this occasion, the hitter Bulls are the socket man for me. It's some story about, who is it, Switch or someone like that. U-Switch. No, U-Switch. Yeah, it is U-Switch.

If he'd had his electricity cut off, it would have been Candle in the Wind. Oh, that's good. Well, I'll tell you what, Frank, no wonder he doesn't want to let the sun go down on him. Are those prices? Thank you very much. £49,000 £49,000

his electricity and gas bill is, according to this. I don't know how they could know. Do you think he's a lot, doesn't he? Has he got the insulation, do you think? Is he one of those? He doesn't seem like a loft insulation kind of guy to me. If I was Elton John, I'd live in a house with a thatched roof and two very big upstairs windows,

so it looked like me. You wouldn't need directions. You'd just say, get down the road, you'll see me looking over the top of the privy. I'll be in that house. Interesting bit in the article, the expert from YouSwitch says, Sir Elton could potentially save a staggering £13,744 a year if he moved from a standard variable tariff to one of the best fixed deals currently on the market.

This is our Sir Elton John. Imagine putting that to Sir Elton John. I don't think he's that kind of guy. It's just a hunch. He's not going to be doing these admin things. He's not going to say, tell Barbara Streisand to hold the line. I'm paying my residence permit. He's the going to say, tell Barbara Streisand to hold the line. I'm paying my residence permit.

He's the rocket man. Oh, David, my winter fuel allowance has arrived. Have you got my freedom pass, David? I would have thought that he could power his home with the static electricity from his shell suit collector. Good point. It's time we harnessed the shell suit. Yeah.

All he's got to do, if he had them on a big rail that went round and round so there was some slight movement against each other, it would be like one of those Van de Graaff generators. Oh, man.

Did you know they had a list of the other expensive... I mean, I felt a bit sorry for these celebrities having their utility bills revealed. Oh, yes. How would you like it? Very invasive process. It's not that private a thing, you see. How much is yours?

I don't know. You'll have to ask my personal assistant. Are you going to ask your partner, David Furnish? How did Elton actually use up all that electricity? Although I seem to remember when I went to his place in Nice, I seem to remember him and David Furnish play a lot of air hockey. Oh, do they? Yeah.

And also, my guess would be Elton is not the sort of bloke that switches his water features off when he goes to bed. No. I bet they're on all night. It's that kind of excess. But what about the planet, Elton? Oh, dear. Rock-a-moor.

No, not that one. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. The article that we discussed a moment ago about celebrities' electricity bills, obviously top of the leaderboard is the Queen with £1.1 million to power Buckingham Palace.

Of course, since she's had to introduce that surveillance and tagging system. I think it's that plus also they light it up at night, don't they? Yeah. That's going to double your... I mean, if you went past Buckingham Palace and it wasn't lit up at night, you'd feel let down. There's an interesting bit in it, though. It says,

Singer Robbie Williams' 10-bedroom home in Holland Park, London has the next biggest celebrity bill, costing an estimated £33,133 in gas and electricity. Adding to his power costs are a gym, home cinema, 22 bathrooms and a swimming pool. Now, is it just me that finds it weird that he's got a 10-bedroom house that has 22 bathrooms in it? That is a bit...

The bathroom-to-bedroom ratio is all over the place. Are they all en suite? Plus he's got another 10 bathrooms. He's also got that massive... Has he got the norovirus? He's got a massive... He constantly needs to run to the toilet. Let him finish this bit because he's worrying me hanging on massive.

He's got a massive neon hand making an obscene gesture towards Jimmy Page's house. And I think that's lit all night. Have they still got beef? Oh, yeah. I heard that there'd been some see-my, see-my piece between them.

I think it was via me because I read that they'd resolved it on the proviso that the basement extension williams's basement extension was made but i think that he had to use it was like handheld tools oh okay that's partly because his electricity bill so i don't think that's to do with Jimmy Page. Guess what, guys? Simone Cowell was at number eight on the fuel bills. 15k. I mean, that'll be the smoke alarms.

That's a walk in the park compared to Elton John. I've got a tip for the Queen. What about if she painted Buckingham Palace in luminous paint? Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that save for a load of money? Just have it glow in the Queen. What about if she painted Buckingham Palace in luminous paint? Wouldn't that save for a load of money? Just have it glow in the dark and then turn all those lights off. It's a bit tacky, Frank.

Another tip, she could cover the whole thing in what are they called? Fairy lights? No, the sun... Solar panels! That's it, the sun things. I'm really glad I was here for your first

senior moment oh I don't think it is to be honest it might be my first on air one oh I don't like Frank

suggesting Buckingham Palace gets covered in fairy lights like some internet blogger like some YouTuber hey guys well we I'm going to tell you now we've got rid of the gas

have you because my partner change your diet my partner I was going to tell you now, we've got rid of the gas. Have you? Because my partner... Change your diet. I was going to say, Alan, I'm grateful. She bought a pollution monitor. Oh, yeah. And she'd take it into the street and stuff and check it out. But when we cooked anything on the gas cooker,

it went absolutely... it went purple. Oh. So that's the end of that it's difficult for me because as you know I have a lot of I catch my own butterflies and mount them and that gas was an

essential part of the process but you know I find they do die eventually anyway look it's been really lovely to be back live in the studio. And thank you for all your contributions this morning. They are, as ever, enriching in the extreme. And just thank you so much for listening to us.

And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!