The Frank Skinner Show - R. Gymlad

Episode Date: April 1, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has performed at the Comedy Museum. The team also discuss OAGs, April Fool’s pranks and luxuries we don’t enjoy.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Got it? Morning. Got it. Morning. Got it. Morning, boys.

See it. Say it. What's that thing that they say on trains? See it. Say it. Sorted. But also it sort of sounds like sortet. Oh, no.

So it's unclear whether they're telling us to do it or whether it's already finished. Yeah. Oh, sort it. Sorry, I thought you were being a bit crude. A bit blue, immediately blue. Yeah, but I was going to write it off as a marathon running injury so as to keep the whole thing legit. I'm a legit actor.

I remember William Hartnell being the first Doctor Who being interviewed in Panto after his Doctor Who reign had finished and he got really stroppy. The bloke says, so is this what you're thinking you're going to do now for the rest of your career? He said, I'm a legit actor. He said, I'm not planning on doing front of cloth. That's what he said. Front of cloth?

Yeah, that's what we do, mate. Before you get sniffy about it, we do front of cloth. You're front of cloth. We're front of cloth. Yeah, very much so. I was front of cloth last night at the Museum of Comedy. Were you now? Nice room, nice cloth.

Yeah, I'm a sort of living exhibit of the... You were on loan. Yeah, exactly. I'm on loan from the Museum of modern arts in new york um is there a plastic screen over here no this should be like like little titchy's shoes yeah they've got little do you know little titch was no but i'm intrigued little titch was where the word you know titch for someone who's small. I was called that often during my youth. I'm sorry to hear that.

I quite liked it. Did you? Okay. I always liked it. Is it acceptable now, Titch, or has that gone with so many unkindnesses? I'm not sure, really. I don't know. Well, if there's anyone listening that's offended by that, I'm sorry. Okay, well, that's it. We've got you on our side.

Anyway, there was no Titch. No small people were called Titch until Little Titch. Oh, right. He was the pioneer... Strange claim. ..of Titchness. I mean, he was small. He was four foot six. And six fingers on each hand while we're at it.

Oh, right. Wait for it. All right. Wait for it. I haven't finished. Three of them webbed. Just saying. Just saying. Only three? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, I think you like to keep three. It was a tic-tac at the local race course. You had to keep three nimble. Do you know what a tic-tac is? No, a tic-tac. What used to happen at horse racing, I don't think, I've never seen,

I've never seen a tic-tac in recent years. People tap their hands and hold up three fingers and stuff and they're signalling to the other bookmakers and that what the price is. It was all done in a fabulously sort of amateur way. And they'll say things like double carpet, blah, blah, blah. I don't fabulously sort of amateur way. And they'll say things like double carpet, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know what any of it meant. Anyway, little, I love, I don't know what we're talking about. They have got his shoes there. He wore these incredibly long shoes. And he did a dance with them, a very specific. What sort of a dance? Well, actually, the bloke who works at the Museum of Comedy showed me a video of little cuz I was talking about the shoes showed me a

video and the first four minutes of the act is in putting the shoes off and then he basically like he's able to lean really far forward because they're so long you know one of those things but he also goes right up onto the toe they're about 18 inches long the shoes anyway

I've got to tell you this is my favourite bit so why Titch then if that was the first one where did it come from it was because I'll tell you what

I'll tell you after this I didn't think we'd start with a little Titch cliffhanger, but here we are. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You left us on a little cliffhanger. Yeah, so this is information for anyone who's ever been called Titch in their whole life.

The reason you're called that is there was a four-foot-six musical performer called Little Titch, and he was called Little Titch because he looked a bit like a man known in popular culture at the time as the Titchborn Climent. Oh. And the Titchborn...

What's that? Gwyneth Paltrow skiing trial? It's a bit like that. There was this bloke who was the heir to a fortune. I like him already. He was in a shipwreck and they were never seen again. And then a couple of years later, a man turned up claiming to be him so that he can get the inheritance.

He's been a bit mare of Casterbury. And the desperately sad old mother thinks it's him and all the relatives are going oh i don't think so and then some bloke comes forward and says no i know he's a butcher i know him and um but little titch apparently before he was called little titch he looked like the titchborn claimant so that's how his name came along What am I telling you? So the Tishborne claimant was a tiny No, just facially he wasn't, no Hang on

He could have said the problem it could be him but he's about three foot shorter than he used to be He looks just like him apart from the height and the shoes and the fingers and the webbed fingers No, no just facially Anyway, don't forget this morning's text in the shoes and the fingers and the webbed fingers. No, no, just facially. Just facially.

Anyway, don't forget this morning's text in breakfast in bed, is it still a thing? I tell you what, I hate breakfast in bed. Do you? Oh, I mean, I haven't had it for years, but yeah.

Why not? Yeah, but you're quite... How can I put this? You know luxury things that don't feel like a luxury? You don't like luxury things. You're very puritanical about these. You know, like the way you bath, you always say, oh, Catherine, you just...

I mean, not that you've witnessed me, but, you know, anecdotally you know this. So you just lie there. You don't do anything in the bar no he doesn't understand pierre the point of enjoying a bar for a bar and i think you're the same about maybe the breakfast no because um you know when people get the candles out around the bath you know that and a bit of music and you can't listen to remember this is absolute where real music matters but you can't lie in the bath with the candles and listen to like metallica it's got to be yarny you know i would agree that candles around the bath are a bit keep calm and drink Prosecco tea towels. Yes, they are. Okay.

However, and a rose petal is very overrated. Oh, God, yeah. Even on a rose, I find. I've never understood that. What's that? The scattering of the petals in the bath. Are they supposed to be doing something? I stayed in a hotel in Cape Town once where they scattered rose petals from the door when you went into the bed.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. How was it? Was that helpful? I found it. Yeah, I could have been wandering around. That's how big the suites were. I stayed in those, my golden years.

We've got to lay a trail for Frank. He's going to get lost. They've hired a trail layer for Frank. I had a Sherpa to get me to the bedroom section. I'm interested by the breakfast in bed resistance, though. What is the reason for the resistance? Well, I have got an old-fashioned view of the digestive system that my mom used to say if you eat lying down it'll just sit there and yeah it won't it won't you know you need a

bit of gravity to get it to where you want it to go i see my issue with it is the idea of sort of the the knife and fork sort of elbow work lying down or even propped up. It's a bit infirmary. You get those, you know, those sort of roll doll trays with like a pillow on the bottom of them. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I mean, you know, when I'm 108, I might have breakfast in bed because I do everything in bed because I live in bed.

But other than that, no. It's the housekeeping afterwards that concerns me. I can't enjoy it because I think, oh no, I've got to take it downstairs and then load the dishwasher and there'll be crumbs everywhere. Just putting it on the floor from bed is difficult.

It's horrible. As I talk about it, it makes me feel sick. The whole idea of breakfast in... If anyone's having breakfast in bed as we speak, well done, you. Friends Dinner on Absolute Radio. So, what was gibt? Well.

As they say in Germany, as it's a German theme this week with the king out there and stuff. Being nice. Oh, yeah. Making some cheese. Did he make some cheese? Some kässe. But he blamed it on someone else.

I'm assuming that's a euphemism. It's modern diplomacy. What do you think of this Frank Ross Bridges has this for you cup of tea in bed is utter bliss though Frank oh no really

where am I going to get it from what do you mean well I don't have me goblin teas made anymore oh yeah she walked oh heaven's sake no I don't have me goblin tees made anymore. Oh, yeah. She walked. Oh, heaven's sake. No, I don't have that. And Kath would never bring me a cup of tea in bed in a million years. Oh, Kath's great at making me tea.

She'll make tea, but she wouldn't do stairs with it. No. She's some sort of upstairs-downstairs character. I don't want it. Where am I going to sit up? I have to sit up. If I want to sit up, I might as well get into a chair. If I want to get into a chair, I might as well go downstairs.

Yeah. Are you not fond of a... I like a hot chocolate in bed, though. Oh, no. Have you never done that? No. I feel sometimes, Frank. It's difficult, but I'm going to say it.

You sometimes... You resist the pleasures in your life. I don't think... But I've tried tea in bed, and you're in all, you're flat. It's like you're at the wrong angle to drink tea. You are, yes. It's going on your chin.

It's boiling hot. It's all wrong. Do you not prop yourself up? I have four pillows. I know, I don't like that either. How many of you pillows do you have, Frank? First thing I do when I get into a hotel is throw every pillow except one on the floor. Yeah. Absolute monster. Yeah. How many pillows do you have, Frank? First thing I do when I get into a hotel is throw every pillow except one on the floor.

Yeah. Absolute monster. Yeah. How many pillows do you have? One. What? Well, look, I don't have very big shoulders. If I have more than one...

Count Monte Cristo in the cell. No, no, I don't. Oh, I hate the pillows. How many pillows do you have? Cushions. You get cushions on the bed. What's it going to do with... Oh, yeah, I'll just go and buy a Persian cat.

Yes, exactly. Or lay a crown on one of them. Oh, there's so many things that are seen as like a luxurious... Like a bubble bath. You know that? When the bubbles get cold before the water. It's like cold, clammy bubbles on you. Sort of crust.

And you have to keep using your hand as a whisk to get the bubbles going. Is this supposed to be fun? That's what you said. I'm not with you on baths, but I'm with you on the mugs of tea and breakfast in bed. Because as you say... Well, you like a bubble bath. I like soaking in a bath. I won't leave them out. Do you like a bubble bath? What like soaking in a bath. I won't leave it out.

Do you like a bubble bath? What is this? You can't handle the truth. Exactly. Don't evade my questions. Your witness. Do you like a bubble bath? Sure.

No further questions. Sure. I don't own any bubble baths, but if I was offered one, I would take one. I notice you haven't even bothered asking me the question i assume you like a bubble bath i had one last night did you really there were so many bubbles you wouldn't believe it oh it wasn't matey was it no do you remember matey are you aware of matey i had i had miss matey oh miss matey, yeah. Matey famously claimed to fame was that it cleans the bath as well.

That was how the advert used to seem like the most... The lazy people in the 70s. That was their angle. Yeah, it was until it was discovered that Matey contained bleach. Was it that bad? Yeah. Did it? It doesn't anymore.

I didn't know that. I think it went off the market for a bit and then came back and stopped talking about cleaning the bath because someone had said, if you don't take the bleach out, you can't stop. Yeah. Were children paler in the 70s as a result? Well, they just had less skin. Yes, they were shinier. I just had blonde streaks.

But it was very, oh mate, he's a bottle of fun. Yes, it had a lovely sort of shanty theme, didn't it? It did, yeah, I love a shanty. I haven't seen a shanty on an advert for ages. I can't think of a group of people less inclined to luxurious bubble baths than shanty singing sailors. No, exactly. Well, it was pirate themed.

Matey being what pirates call each other. And the bottle was in the shape of Matey in a rather creepy way. It had a pirate gear on, but Miss Matey, she was pirate, but a pink pirate with a pink dress. Wasn't it considered bad luck to have a woman on a ship in those days? It was. I thought they liked a woman on the ship and not with much on if you know what i mean no i think i think that's the ladies with um what the figurehead yeah is that different yeah i think that i think if you wouldn't you're

all right it gets people into a lot of places it's it's quite... It's a bit of an AAA pass, being wooden. We can all think of plenty of people we know who get into showbiz do's on those grounds. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, it... Oh, by the way, Pierre has got very... I'm going to say almost obsessed with Métis in that musical interlude.

I've done some research. Of course, you've checked with me that it's existed because everything I say, Pierre, thinks I'm making it up. This is your paranoia about my research. I did think I knew Métis, but I knew the modern the modern matey yes now songs bleach you mean songs songs bleach lightweight yeah exactly my day the children were raw yeah um and pink the the modern matey has got sort of i would say more advanced graphic design it's very sort of it's actually got some you mean yes that you they It's very sort of gym lad. It's actually got some, you mean.

Yes, the sort of faces and shape. He's still a pirate, though, isn't he? Well, the main matey is a sort of wholesome-looking gym lad, and there is a pirate option available. Jim G-Y-M or J-I-M? J-I-M, yeah. But also he looks like he could, you know. Bit of a gym lad as well.

He's in shape. Whereas the old matey I've looked up from the 80s design, it's very sort of abstract. I was saying it's Soviet North Korean propaganda. Oh, OK. Cheerful sailors will guide us to the dawn of the revolution. Ah, the glory of Labour and all that. Why do you think Frank loves it?

Yes, and Miss Matey, she's also got a sort of neckerchief that seems more like she's being left in the port. Wouldn't gym lad be a good thing for, like, people who see... ..people who like gentlemen, be they gay, heterosexual, females, whatever? Yes. What if, to go, our gym lad, if somebody looks like they go to the gym

if they're bit shredded yeah oh gym lad when they go past that would be a real aphrodisiac I think

if you put a lot of time into the gym and someone gave you a pirate themed compliment like that slash cat call I think you'd be delighted

what about if they should call a chain of gyms that? Our gym lad. You could claim it was like H Samuel. The surname could be gym lad and it could be our gym lad.

Our dot gym lad. You could do it. Our gym lad, a chain of gyms of pirate fitness, climbing ropes You could do it. Our gym lad, a chain of gyms of pirate fitness, climbing ropes. That's it? Yeah, and all the instructors. What I like is a subtle nod. I'll do the aesthetics.

A subtle nod, just a little stripe on the T. Yes. I don't want kerchiefs. We don't want to be going, you know, overboard here. Yeah. Okay. We open your chests. Could be there.

That's good. That could be there. That's good. That could be the slogan. That's good. Fantastic booty, et cetera. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jim, man. I think this could work. I do as well.

And you know what? You could have... There'd be a lot of plank going on in there. Plank. Oh. Oh, of course, yeah. Plank. Plank.

And as you say, climbing the things. Guys, I genuinely think this is a really good bit. Should we go on The Apprentice or something? Pirate Fitness. Oh no,

The Dragon's Den we won. Yeah, Pirate Fitness. Imagine us pitching the origin. I think loading a cannon. And we're looking for an investment of 70%

of... Yeah, and we need 80 quid to buy a parrot. For an investment of 70%. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and we need 80 quid to buy a parrot. Which will be our receptionist. No prizes for guessing how much membership costs per month. Loading a cannon is the sort of thing they do at CrossFit You carry a big kettlebell in We could all get our own Very Britain's strongest man

Is me carrying cannonballs And we could all get our ears pierced Tax deductible Big hoops All three of us with big hoop earrings Pointing at them, this is going well We'd like gymnasts Going up and down on our big hoop earrings All three of us have Big Hoop earrings. Pointing at them. This is going well. Yeah. We're like gymnasts going up and down on our Big Hoop earrings.

I'm not having my leg off now, and that's fine. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, I mean, we've had people getting in touch. Ruth Jordan has said, they are Jim Land pirates. Jim Land? She's called it Jim Land. I know, it's Jim Land.

I know, I'm just reading it as it was sent. Come on. Okay. That's the trouble breakfast in bed. Chewing, you can't hear the radio. No, I thought maybe she was trying to sort of play with the pun a bit. Oh, okay. You know?

Anyway, she said they're crying out for a ball pool, aren't they? Well, I'm crying out for a ball pool. You always are. But I was a bit put off by tales of stuff that people had found in ball pools. Well, we're going to get on to some of those shortly, so we'll just be in touch wallet in my other suit i've got the most embarrassing i must have fallen in the ball pool i was there earlier that'd be great if that was your sort of catchphrase excuse i think it's always just just slap your trousers and coat and go

I've walleted my other most embarrassing... Get away with anything. Dear Frank and friends, this is from someone who refers to themselves as unsavoury character. I love that sign off.

He's also called Ben. I think Ben might have been in touch before. Dear Frank and friends, I would like to share my April Fool's success with you all, as this year I feel I've nailed it. OK? First of all, Ben says, first of all, Frank,

I got my boyfriend with the leaky toilet. Oh. Can you, would you care to... Well, I got my boyfriend with the leaky toilet. Oh. Can you, would you care to... Well, that was my son. My son came in, my son Buzz came into the room. I guess he was about eight and he said, there's a leak in the toilet. And Kath goes, oh no, it's a Saturday and whatever it was.

I think it was, anyway. And when we went in, he'd just taken a leak out the fridge vegetable and just put it on the top of the toilet i still had it it was an improvement on a vast improvement on frank's idea a few years prior to that which was frank was that the leak in toilet one or the stolen car you yeah can you well either well, either of them. Yeah, I did say, yeah, I'm not very good at, my worst ever one, and I have told this story before, but it is April the 1st, was that I told Kath, my partner,

that I was going to do a, I've been offered a TV show with Gok Wan. Oh, yeah. In which we wandered the streets of northern towns and cities with me in an avant-garde, a different avant-garde outfit. And the programme was called Why Are You Wearing That? And it was like Vox Pops, people asking me, me asking them what I thought.

And she got really upset. You know when people get upset with an april 4 so upset you're frightened to tell them it's an april 4. yeah and she said well you're just not the person that i thought you were she said honestly she said if you're very much the person i thought she says if you're gonna do that i think we have to, like, think about our relationship. No. Yeah. This silly show. Yeah.

That's a bit harsh. And it was really, because I was upset she'd said that. And then you became quite invested in the show. Yeah. And then I was going to phone Gok. But I didn't. Yeah, but what an overreaction that is. That's massive.

I mean, it wouldn't be that bad a show, would it? Yes, it would. I mean, I would be operating as some sort of exhibit. Nevertheless. I'd watch it. Would you? Yeah, you would. You'd watch me humiliated in any context. Watch it? I'd watch nothing else for the rest

of my life. What if it was like a massive hit? Why are you wearing that? It took off in America. It was on Netflix. Hi, I'm Gaw-Kwan. This week we're in Workington. I'd be in Wisconsin and the World Tour.

Oh, man. Yeah, it would be great. Can we come back to Ben, the unsaved character, and his April Fools, which was very much inspired by Frank. Would you wear that? Why are you wearing that, Skinner?

Oh, was it really? Okay, well, let's... Yeah, we'll come back to that after this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We were mid. We left things on something of a cliffhanger. Unsty character. Does it involve the Titchbourne climate? No. Okay.

Unlike so many other things in your life, it doesn't. This was unsavoury character, a.k.a. Benjamin, had got in touch with us. Oh, yes. And Benjamin had been trying out some April Fools on his boyfriend. Okay. April Fool or April Fools on his boyfriend. Okay. April Fool or April Fools?

April Fool, perhaps. It's a good question. I've heard it called both. Okay. As Ben says, he tried out the leaky toilet. Right. Actually, I'm going to say that's a buzz creation. It is. That was a buzz one, yeah.

The leaky toilet he tried out. He goes on to say, it's a timeless classic and a real I'm having that. He was immediately, this is the boyfriend, he was immediately very stressed and came hurrying to the

bathroom. It's good. I mean, this is why having April Fool's on a Saturday is good because if you have got a leak, it's such a pain in the weekend. Yeah. Prices go up if you can get anyone. Ben goes on to describe his reaction at discovering it was an April Fool. Yeah.

He was amused and relieved. Ah. Lovely. A good combo. Yeah, especially in the toilet. Well, quite. That's why they put those cartoons on the wall, isn't it? Oh, gross.

Secondly, I messaged. This is Ben's second April Fool. Yeah. He's not come here to mess about. No. He'd be a nice friend for you, Frank. That's pushing it. He's not on the same person.

Yeah. Oh, no, this is not on the same person. Yeah. Oh, no, this isn't on the same person. OK, because, I mean, that would be seeing the boy as some sort of naive to fall for it twice. Secondly, I messaged my group chat of mates asking, if anybody wants to come to the Formula One in Melbourne with me tomorrow, as a friend has pulled out, he's giving his ticket away for free. Now, I'm a homosexual and there is not a single person in my life

who is even remotely interested in motorsport. Thank God. So, I received a dozen extremely polite and very confused replies and some questions about my mental health. After pushing the final members of the group to reply if they wanted to come, I revealed the prank and everyone thought it was a great success. Thank you. Keep well.

Unsavoury character. I love you, Benjamin. You're one of my faves. I love you, Benjamin. You're one of my faves. It's great, isn't it, that nobody wanted to go? No. He knew his own circle of friends intimately enough. I actually, you know, I knew a truly unsavoury character in that... I don't doubt it.

I worked with a tour manager and her her husband only, whenever he turned up on tour, and he was a really nice bloke, but he only had desserts. Oh, God. So when we went to motorway services, he'd have a dessert, and then we'd sit around for a bit, and we'd say, shall we have a dessert? And he'd say, okay, and he'd go get another one.

No. Yeah. I never saw him eat a safe race so he was a genuinely unsavory character what was the latter i think isn't do you remember the character the uh the comic book character uh was it someone who only had dessert island dick no he was really bunter his name he was referred to As No Savories The fat owl of the remove Yeah

He was called No Savories No Savories Can you explain Who this is It's a great I didn't know He was called that

No Savories Is a devastating nickname I think Well I'm I only know that Because my dad And I won't name him Referred to a

BBC colleague Who's in that way, I'm afraid. And I asked the etymology, and he explained it was from Billy Bunter. Right. I mean, he was really wrong on these things. But yeah, that's how he was... That's a very funny nickname. That was his nickname.

Yes, it used to be used as a... It's very cruel. It is cruel. We won't be doing it. I remember being in a pub in Eastport. We won't be doing that on air. And I was talking to a young lady, trying to get to know her,

and I was sitting with a line of us, of friends. I had about six mates with me from West Midlands. And on the far end was a line of us of friends as i had about six mates with me from west midlands and at the on the far end was a friend of mine who was a bigger lad and she was a londoner i hadn't met many of those at the time and she said who's the all buckle on the end and i thought um obviously at the time i, but now I look back, it was very cruel. God, that's a bold way to refer to someone in a group of friends. Yes, I think, you know, people from the South, they're sharper, generally. We're talking about, by the way, this morning,

luxuries that are rubbish. Yeah. I've included breakfast in bed, bubble bath. Cushions. Yeah, Simon of Sudbury, our medieval friend of the show, I'm having a cup of tea in bed as we speak.

Does that count? Also, I had a mate at school nicknamed Titch on account of his surname being small. Oh. Put a twist on it. I like that. Another one is massage. Massage?

I don't like massage at all. No. Hate it. Never do that. That's not what I've heard you say previously. I, um... Me neither. I, um... Why don't you like massage, sir? hate it never do that that's not what I've heard you say previously I um meaning I um why don't you like massage seriously

the first one I had somebody bought me one as a gift and I went for the massage in um the west end of London genuine no it was a proper you're very above board it was a very like a hurty You're very above board, Frank. It was a very, like, a hurty thing.

I didn't like it at all. And I went... I had a bit of a funny... I went to Bilius after. I was in McDonald's. Bilius Banter. Yeah, I went... No savoury.

I went at McDonald's. You know the big McDonald's at Piccadilly Circus? Yes. I was in there and I suddenly felt terrible. And I remember I put my head on the table in McDonald's. What a sight. Do you think, did you then say, I used to be on TV? Well, somebody told me, I think I was still on there.

Somebody told me that my toxins had been aroused and that's why I felt so awful. But I remember when I... Was it a medieval physician? Yes, yes. Did he say there was a problem with your humour? He did, there certainly was. But I remember when I got up up because i had my head on the table for about 10 minutes i felt awful what a sight and when i got up i had like salt

embedded in my face my face was like a new y York City pretzel. It had a... Oh, man. And that's massage for you. Felt terrible. Like some great slug. Oh. Yeah, it would kill slugs, doesn't it? Yeah. It'd be a cruel thing that people did.

Would go out at night into their garden and put salt on slugs. Is that cruel? Yeah. It does dissolve them. Yeah. But it does the job, yeah? Okay. Well, it does that job.

But, you know, if it's dissolving wildlife, if that's the job you're after, great. Why not get some sulfuric acid and take on some of the bigger creatures? As they say on 24 Hours in Police Custody, no comment. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank was singing, just to give you a little insight here, Frank was singing the Matey theme tune off-air, weren't you?

No, matey's a bottle of fun, is how it began and at the end it goes, and it cleans the bath as well, is how it ends. That was when it had bleached. Isn't that a bit like saying a beauty ad for a facial toner and it'll strip your doors as well? Why would you want that?

I think when we were living in Albury in the West Midlands in the 70s watching this, we were saying to each other clean the bath. Where are we going to put the coal? But, yeah. Can I stress again, it no longer

contains bleach, so if you've got some at home of the modern ilk, you're fine. Oh, it's fabulous now. It's all right now. Now that we've all got the scars to show for it. Yes, it's safe to board. Yes. In fact, 078, rematee.

It might have cleaned baths, but I can confirm it didn't do carpets much good. Back in the 70s, my young daughter was so excited when we got back from the shops with her matey. She took it into the living room, took the top off, I presume was probably dancing around to... Yo, matey's a bottle of fun.

A bottle of fun. So much fun. She spilt it on the carpet and, you know, I like 078. Because 078 is brave enough to admit the golden carpet had a big blue patch forever after. Gold carpet. Who's he living with at the office?

Who's building many in here? King Midas. I don't like coming home. I've been working, seeing a lot of old matey on my carpet so we had to we had to fly we had to fly the carpet

to the dry cleaners a whole new world I like the idea of Elvis sort of conspiratorially saying you know cleans the bath as well I tell you what she might have found

a lady mismated Frank we have had so many people Pierre haven't we getting in touch sort of empathising with you

regarding luxuries you don't enjoy oh good yeah ok so for example we'll share some with you par example the third frame caviar is overrated also the extra comfy caviar is oh yeah it's fine you know but it's not like

500 quid a spoon fine a few old black dots. Yeah. Also, the extra comfy, close quotes I presume, leather VIP chairs in cinemas, too comfortable, makes you sleep and miss half the film. I do. What say you? Well, I can't do a whole film. So that's fine.

Thank you, pardon. I saw, you know, the way things tailor themselves to you now, so you get adverts on your phone for things you're interested in or you've been looking up and stuff. Yes. And you get it on Sky as well. I put Sky on and it said,

as you watched Naked Attraction, you might and I thought, what? I said to Kath, have you watched Naked Attraction? And she said, yes. I thought, that's the way to handle it, isn't it? Yes. So I thought, thank God it wasn't me.

Anyway, I got one the other day, it's obviously based on my algorithm. Oh, let me guess. It's obviously based on my algorithm. Oh, let me guess. It films less than 90 minutes. Wow, so they've got you. Yeah. See, I don't mind the...

Featuring people who are now over 90, presumably. I don't mind the spy in the cab element picking up stuff I like and then sending it back. Do you choose films based on the length? Oh, I will, definitely. If I see a film like 72 minutes, I think that's for me. Yeah, definitely. Oh, I'd never do that.

It is intimidating when you see a 182-minute run. I do choose films. Make a series. Do you search for... what are your search options I will choose them based on stars I will put into the search but Hugh Grant

if he's in it I'm in no I just do superheroes oh my god and Wizarding World that's me

that's impressive I'm oning World, that's me. That's impressive. I'm on Westerns. Yeah, that's it. We're talking about luxuries you don't enjoy. We've got plenty, Pierre, haven't we? For example, Howard Grater. I find that massages make me more tense than when I came in, oiled up like a Christmas goose, whilst a stranger rearranges my flesh for 45 minutes, like my back is a

really hard Rubik's Cube. I feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for humanity. £200, please. Yes. Well, that's it. He didn't even feel sick. I felt sick as well. Well, you say that. I've had about three. How do you think the massage feels? I'm always horrified, I should think.

What about when I had the double massage? You look concerned. You really don't. In the Himalayas. The foot of the Himalayas. Really? Goodness. Near Rishikesh. And it was an extraordinary experience.

Isn't that the Prime Minister? No, it's where the Beatles went, you may remember. Oh, was it? Yeah. Anyway. With Donovan? No, I wasn't with him. How dare you? I'm not that old. A couple of times with Donovan? no I wasn't with him how dare you

I'm not that old a couple of times with Donovan and I got offered the double massage I didn't really understand what it was

but I wanted to see my woman of the world because it was a luxury resort which I wasn't paying for and I wanted to fit in with these people

so I said absolutely and and then I walked in and there were two ladies. Oh, okay. Diddy diddy diddy. Two ladies. Diddy diddy diddy. And they both, I felt a bit,

I'll tell you what I felt like, a bit like an old pine door getting a sand down. Oh, really? Yeah, because one would go shh and then the other one would go shh, and then the other one would go shh, and then the motion would, you know... Were you talking a lot? Do you know, it's taken

me 20 years to realise maybe that's what was going on. Oh, no. Anyway, it wasn't for me, but some love it. Double massage. Have we had any more? Kelly Green says, I hate champagne, put some lemonade in it. Oh, there you go. It's had any more? Kelly Green says, I hate champagne. Put some lemonade in it. There you go.

It's 9.30, Kelly. Evenings and mornings, I drink mornings. Okay, have you spoken to a doctor about this? That's another old advert. No one ever questioned it's about talking about Africa. Really? Evenings and mornings. Hold it. Stop there. What was the last bit? Mornings. one ever questioned it's about talking about Africa really evenings and mornings hold it

stop there what was the last bit mornings mornings saunas another one oh

god too hot that is probably their main I know but you know you get men

in saunas who make it as hot as they can to show that they can cope with it you can leave it at men in saunas who make it as hot as they can to show that they can cope with it being hot. You can leave it at men in saunas, frankly.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, we like it. Put a bit more water, yeah, to make it... Oh, men. And they go over to the wooden pail. Oh, all that. It's slightly medieval. And make it even hotter, though.

And they love it. There's a silence. They go over, you just hear the... I've got an MBE. I don't need to keep proving myself. 593 is with you on that. Talking of luxuries we don't enjoy, I'm saying jacuzzis, horrible things. That's Zoe, new reader.

What say you? I don't mind a jacuzzi, but there is a time limit. Apparently, if you stay in for too long, they can do damage. Yes. As I understand. I don't really fit in them. No, I can see that you'd need a big jacuzzi. And I like, the irony is...

The big jacuzzi sounds like a 1970s film about the mob, doesn't it? Yeah. Let's just say he's the big Jacuzzi around here. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Absolute radio. Matt Rimmer, in terms of luxuries he doesn't enjoy, fancy sausages. Oh, okay. Things like primrose and apricot.

Those kind of sausages. When they get creative. Yeah. He says, just give me the supermarket's own brand bulked out with fat ones. Oh, okay. Yeah. I can see that.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want to bring about some sort of Luddite anti-all advances in food and facilities. Bonfire of the vanities. No, I don't want that. But, you know, candles in the bath. Seems to me that you live your life like a candle round the bath.

Gillian in Glasgow. I did enjoy a hot tub until recently. Oh, gather round the fireside, boys. Sounds like one for us. I went on a hen do to a lovely lodge with a cracking hot tub. Well, one thing they love on a hen

do is a robe. Women in robes. Another thing, Frank, won't go there with me on is the robe. Because if I had my way, I'd spend at least 19 hours a day in a robe. I wish you'd come into the show in a robe. I'm anti-robe. Yeah.

Oh, you're so anti-robe. I don't understand what it's for. I keep saying this. Where's the robe window? I'll tell you presently. Okay. Meanwhile, back in the hot tub, Gillian in Glasgow, she's there. She's seen the hot tub, footballers' tents.

She's looked up. She's looked up, and what she's found is eight hens, all wearing fake tan, all wearing fake tan, drinking champers in a hot tub, soon turns the water a Brussels sprout shade of green. Does it really? I thought you were going to say brown. It goes green. It turns it a green colour.

Both the females in the room on the show were nodding. As soon as I said wearing fake tan in the hot tub, they knew. It goes green. We've all been Green. We've all been there. We've all been there. Am I right, ladies? Is there copper in it? Yes, there's a copper compound or something. None of your beeswax.

Vile, says Gillian. Luxury was nowhere to be seen anymore. We named it the friendship soup. Oh, lovely. Now that's nice. Horrible hen do. Instead of keeping it as a memento in a jar. When you said there was like seven hens in there,

I honestly thought you meant hens. I stayed at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis and every morning there's a little pool, a little ornate pool in the middle of the lobby. Is there? And every morning the ducks come downstairs from where they roost in the loft. People queue up ready for them

and a line of about ten docks walk through the hotel lobby and go into this little ornamental pool and they spend the day in there and then later in the evening they make their way back to the attic it's quite a thing I can tell you're all moved

by it they make an advertising point of it well I bought some merch, which was a mallard's head on a white Elvis jumpsuit to have two Memphis icons. A duck and Elvis. Exactly.

I still got it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Nivelli. Oh, Nivelli. Nivelli. Nivellin. You can novella.

Yes. If we get called novella. I got called Jean-Christophe Nivelli by my geography teacher. Oh, the chef. Fair enough. Anyway, you can text the show at 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I'm sure I used to be able to do that in one breath in my youth. I don't know if you did. Okay, maybe I'm just thinking back and by the way is it true that if you have your mobile phone in the

same pocket as your hotel door key that the hotel door key will cease to operate I've never heard that i've heard one person suggested to me it worked on a credit card if you um yeah if you keep your phone in the

same pocket as your credit card you might not be able to do the um you know the bit when you get the drawing of the snowshoe come up and then you just hold your card against that. I've had that very thing happen to me in Wales and that was the excuse cited by the reception people. I said it's... I mean, I came back. I had been working, in fairness, clutching the heels. It was one of those.

And I said, I can't get into my room. It was late at night. And the gentleman at reception said, have you got credit cards, madam? And he claimed that's what it was. Have you placed it in your wallet next to your credit card? So your credit, not even the phone. The phone's not involved.

It was the credit card, the magnetic strip, he said, had deactivated the strip. Sorry, it doesn't make any sense. It sounds like our mutual friend or something. Dickens novel. I did an audio drama with Tom Baker once, and I did that. And you're all in separate parts

of the room so they can record you separately to you know for the mix and I won't use there was swearing in it but I won't include that oh no

and he said it was like a chest ward in here wow that is Victorian a chest ward a chest ward anyway Wow. A chest wall. And that is Victorian. A chest wall. A chest wall.

Anyway, that's what the gentleman told me. He said, you have to take your credit card out. It doesn't sound... You know what? I think he was just making up any old thing. Just loot his cell. But, you know, we don't know, do we? We don't know the properties of these things. Let's face it. Mysterious. Well, Pierre does, but we don't know the properties of these things

let's face it well Pierre does but I don't Pierre speaks of the properties of love does he? well I've just made it because that's a quote isn't it do you know the song? it's one of my favourite lyrics the joker which you should both be familiar with

oh I know the song but does he talk about the properties because I speak of the properties of love. That would be, I can't believe that estate agents don't have that on their customised mini cars, their brand new minis. I'm pretty sure that's what he says. Anyway,

I don't want to talk about that. What I do want to talk about, sorry, it is like a chessboard. It is like a chessboard in here. Is something I came across not long ago, which is some research. OK.

This is research into gaming. Now, I know Pierre is a keen gamer, Frank. Are you a gamer, Pierre? I didn't know that. I'm afraid so. I think he's... Have you got one of the chairs you see on YouTube? I haven't quite got a YouTube chair,

but I do have a sort of better than... weirder than normal office chair. Parker Knoll. Do you know those... You've seen those YouTuber chairs. They're like the football manager dog-out chairs. Yeah. Formula One looking.

Yeah. Red and upholstered. Yeah, they look as though they maybe have sort of LEDs in them. Have you seen those smart beds? There's an advert that keeps coming up on my phone that's saying they're virtually giving away smart beds. And it's a big bed that looks like one of those chairs,

but it's got like a radio and a telly and a phone. Oh, yeah, all in to it. You see, that was quite an 80s concept, I remember. Harrods would often sell sort of these beds, which would appeal to, let's be honest, quite a niche market. Yeah, it was a bit House of the Future. Yeah, it was a bit gold-trimmed. Sort of like, finally, a radio built into my bed.

But I've got to say, when I looked at it, I did think, ooh, smart bed, yeah. Ye who hateth things in bed that are not normally in bed. I know. But I don't regard radio and television as luxuries. I regard them as necessities. Yeah, and they don't leave crumbs. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, exactly. Some I can mention. You should look it up. Apparently they're virtually giving them away. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking to you boys earlier about some research

I've come across. Yes. To do with video games. Yes. Now apparently, get this, 85% of people over 65, was it 85? Have I got that figure right? I think it was a third. No, there were two different figures. Oh, okay. 85% of people over 65 play video games at least once a week. 36, which is the third you're referring to. Every day. Play every day.

Are we including solitaire in that, though? No. But 85% once a week is enough. I think it doesn't mean that, does it? No, I hope not. They're called OAGs. Oh, old age. Gamers. Oh, gamers, obviously. Gamers. Yeah. oh old age gamers oh gamers obviously

and they use consoles regularly to keep their mind active oh to keep their mind active my eye they said it helps boost their mood doesn't gaming utterly rot your mind it depends if you do it in such an

incredibly boring and fact-obsessed way that I do. Yes, exactly. If I do it, then, I mean, it's half... Think how smart you'd be

if you didn't game. I think with you, it's sort of, it's like muzzling you. He's too smart. If he didn't game, imagine if he, oh, no.

He's like a sort of a sedative, like in the chest who's the blue guy in watchman yeah dr manhattan you'd be like him if we didn't game you down a little living on mars hovering we need to game him down he needs the odd crime series to dilute him it's true though it's um i I believe that, you know, it turns the minds of youth to marshmallow. What's it going to do to

my age group? Four nights? I can't afford to look that far ahead. Do you know it said the thing, you see, this is one stat I struggled with. 51% like to play by themselves

and then 44% play with their partner. I find that that I struggled with. 51% like to play by themselves. And then 44% play with their partner. I find that more depressing. Oh, really? I just find something so depressing. If you're going to do it, have some shame. Go into your room in your little funny Man United manager chair. It's not often you hear shame championed on commercial radio.

I say, have some shame. Embrace the shame. Yes. Go into the dark room. You're getting no light. You haven't earned it. Yes. Turn the lights off. Well, you wouldn't be the only pensioner not getting light this winter. And

just eat terrible food. Just accept that that's you. A sorry spectacle for an hour. Well, I don't. Don't go into the living room and be open about it like it's totally normal and drag your partner into it. I mean, walking into it. Imagine if I walked in and you and Kath, I said hello.

And you were on consoles. I would be so. No, no. Although I did once walk into my 11th floor apartment and you and Kath had the lights off, were lying flat on your bellies,

holding binoculars, looking at the man in the flat across from me. Really? Yeah. There was a reason for this, which I can't go into. There was a reason,

which we can't go into. We can't go into, but all I can say is there were mitigating circumstances. Oh, right. Okay? And you couldn't see us. We can't go into it, but as an illustrative quote, my partner was saying, to be fair to him, he might be playing online backgammon. So, 096 has got in touch.

Yes. And has this to say, I would suggest that many older folk play games that exercise the brain, keep them mentally agile and less prone to dementia how about that well I know exclamation mark I know I know the games you mean those sort of improve your brain power planes and stuff. But they're puzzles, aren't they? And I could see those brain teasers. But this is...

Gaming is more of a sort of slow cooker lobotomy. Isn't it? Now, what I would say, I would draw a line between... I would be very worried if I saw a much older person playing something like World of Warcraft, which is just... Haven't they had enough of that in their lives? Without adding orcs into the equation? Hashtag orcs? I'd play that game.

If there was a game called hashtag orcs, I'd be in. Which placed the player in an awkward situation after awkward situation. That is the type of game. I mean, isn't that essentially your life, Frank? But a game like that is essentially just the sort of opioid of gaming. Whereas the sort of, I mean, half of the Dr. Manhattan-esque knowledge I have, especially about history, comes from historical gaming. Really?

I mean, it's games about history for nerds. Imagine the levels of accuracy demanded by the market. Could you get... Yeah, that's true. A lot of angry emails. I think you'll find that the sultanate of Rome only briefly preceded the Ottoman Empire being formed. You know what?

Yes. That's my kind of man. Yeah. They're the people on those games. I didn't know those games. It's like on Twitter. I've never been on Twitter. The show is on Twitter, as you know,

but I'm not involved. But occasionally I will see a Twitter account that's by a historian who specialises in the Anglican. And I think, oh, I'd love to. If it was just that, that would be great. But then some terrible person would come on and slag me off and then I'd have to leave.

Yes, that's the tax, isn't it? It's a big tax. I'll tell you what my struggle with the video games, Pierre, is the lack of sort of emotional investment. And I've watched these games, and if it was something where I could be more involved on some sort of narrative arc with these characters... I've seen all those. They are all available.

I've tried those ones, but I'm not convinced. It's a game for everyone. When I was growing up, old-age pensioners would often pee around the curtains keeping an eye on the neighbours and send poison pen letters. You knew where you stood. Yeah.

And I think that improved their literacy skills and their eyesight. Oh, my God. In a way. And their memories for grudges. Sorry, you're lamenting the lack of poison pen letters from pensioners. Well, I still think, I realise this, that when I walk out, a few of the shows I've done this week at the Museum of Comedy

have had older people in the front few rows. Yes. And I sort of haven't updated my pensioner concept, so I still think that they've been through at least one world war. Most of them, like, you know, they were disco enthusiasts, or further on than that, you know, that there might have been new romantics when they were young. And I think of them being sent off into the country with gas masks.

So I am a bit behind the times, but I still would defend. I think this, I mean, I just think it's going to wipe out pensioners if they start gaming. That's what I think. It's people trying to save money on the flight to Switzerland. Oh, God. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

So, Pierre has been... We've been talking about the over-65s and gaming, and Pierre is selling us this concept. Yeah, some of it not not the world of warcraft stuff i think that's mind poisoning and in fairness if you're a product of the gaming generation then you know as that australian uh politician once said let a thousand blossoms bloom i would um i mean just i felt to me, reading the article, like it was just gaming companies thinking there's a whole new audience here of older people.

They said things like it would improve their reading skills. Yeah, so would reading. If only there was something else to read other than games. But I must say, I know there'll be people out there who love gaming and it's a part of it. And I respect that. The truth is that David Baddiel bought his brother one of those FIFA games when me and Dave lived together. And he said we should try it out, make sure it works, which is obviously a bit of a...

Yes. And we tried it. We had a script to write and we were on the game until like 5am. And I said, you've got to get this out of the house. And that, I think, was frightening me off gaming forever. Because I am a man who used to wake up on central reservations. I think maybe not for me. But there is a lure.

I've seen some really unusual odd ones where I thought, well, that's quite interesting, but I am afraid to enter. I understand and hard relate. I feel the same way about casinos. Plus it's not 1973. Exactly. I would like to see someone... More's the pity.

It would be a fun prank if you were a member of the sort of greatest generation to sort of join your grandson in playing one of the World War II games and sort of saying, you again, when Germans pop up. What about, may I return us briefly? Yes. Just to the subject of luxuries I don't like. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

of luxuries I don't like. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Broderick London says, the barber blow-drying my hair at the monthly visit. No likey. But I'm afraid to tell them to stop as they seem so proud of their work.

I'm the same with the hot towel. I mean, I don't know what it achieves, the hot towel, but I always say yes. Is this at the barber's? And they're lying there thinking I can't breathe. I can't actually breathe. I thought you meant

on the plane. No, no. I'm on about a proper super hot towel. They have to waft it a bit to get it to boil. Yeah, they waft it and then they curl it

on your face like a poo emoji. Yes. You don't get that at George Northwood of London. Can you talk me through this, please? So he says, do you want the hot towel?

And you say yes, and then he says yes. Do you know what it means? Then he puts the chair back, so you're lying backwards. And then he puts a little bit of cream on your forehead and cheeks. And then he takes his towel. You can feel the heat coming off the towel before it reads. As you say, he wafts it a bit so he doesn't do a bit of

a mighty on your face and then on it goes and then you can hear him chatting to the others and that and you're in a world of towel. Yes, my barber does it with some force from under the chin Yeah, but

I don't know what it does. Opens the pores. Is that what it does? But do I want them open? Then I'm going to walk into London's thick, oozy air. Maybe not, yeah. But we all know whether to... Have you not seen Sweeney Todd or something?

They're always covering people's faces with hot towels and things. Do they do that? Barbers, yeah. I don't know if that's the best advert for the hairdressing business. I don't think it was a sort of PR for going into... I think he was wrapping their heads up for transportation. Just steaming them generally for cooking. Yeah, exactly.

Tenderizing. With him, it was more broiling. I did go to Sweeney Todd's stage production, dear. Ah. A number of times. And the thing, my abiding memory wasn't, oh, I was intrigued

by the hotel he used. No. But I came away with some other thoughts. Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton I saw in... Seen that one.

Oh, that was fantastic. Mick Williams, fillet steak. Blandest tasting cut and so overrated. There you go. Yeah. He's cotless, as they say at Argym Lads.

I'm going to leave you with this one, Frank Skinner, because this might... Andrew Donkin, poetry that doesn't rhyme. Poetry that doesn't rhyme. Poetry that doesn't rhyme. Give me something I have a chance of guessing or judging. Oh, no, that's incorrect. By the way, Frank Skinner's poetry podcast lands on Wednesday. This week, wait for it, John Keats.

Biggie. Actually, he was five foot tall. Pitch. This is Frank Skinner. Biggie actually he was five foot tall but you know Titch