The Frank Skinner Show - Radiator Key

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on Saturday Brunch and got told off! The team also discuss Whamaggedon, Elf the Musical and Fergie.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text, that's their names. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. You can email us via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. All those things are possible. Sue Barker, if you're listening, go easy on the champagne this early in the morning.

I'm assuming she's celebrating the demise of a question of sport. They were nothing without me. All right, Sue, that's your fourth glass. Tell me what to do. The home life of Sue Barker. So the service here is terrible. That's what she used to say at Wimbledon, apparently. Oh, my God.

You know, she was rated two in the world at one point, Sue Barker. She told me she had a beach house in Malibu when she was 17 or something like that. What? Can I? Yeah. Oh, I quite like Malibu. Malibu. I think it was Malibu.

It was somewhere where a beach house should be. Los Angeles. What? Did she watch Star Wars? Oh, is Malibu wrong? Well, you initially said Malibu. Yeah. As opposed to Malibu. Okay, it should be on the mouth, should it?

Yeah. But what about the old Black Lace song? Malibu boo boo boo. I think that's just an artistic license. Okay, fair enough. I'd love an artistic license. Are they still seven and six? Jenny Foote, our assistant producer,

has got an artistic licence because we just handed out the Christmas cards and we were all disgraced. Well, I felt okay because mine are all religious theme which rises me above everyone. But she hand-painted our cards this morning. I think it would be nice to put at least mine, if not everyone's, on social media.

My Robin, it's the bird on the card, it's not some terrible slang term I use. No. My Robin is holding something very exciting. A sentence which, if used as a trailer... Could get us into all sorts of issues. Let's say it'll break the internet. Who wants to do that?

Some people rely on that for company. Anyway. Oh, I tell you what, I've had some fun this week in sort of television guest appearance mode. Yes, you've been putting it about. I have, yeah. Well, I'm talking about Piero. He's supporting me at the Gielgud.

It's true. And, you know, I want people to turn up because I think their ego is so fragile at this stage of their careers. So, yes, we are doing the Gilgud Theatre in London in the first two weeks of February. Anyway, I've been plugging that. Now, one of my favourite shows to do in the whole of television

is Sunday Brunch. You love Sunday Brunch? I do. It's like a lovely gathering. You eat food, you meet nice, interesting people, and it's just a pleasant experience. This week, I got told off by Tim Lovejoy. What did you do?

For basically deconstructing the show. Oh, no. Yeah? Did he feel that you were pulling the curtain back on the sort of magical inner working? He said stop being so negative. Frank.

Which I thought it was good. He started off, he introduced Sorry I'm rocking currently. He introduced Archie, I'm rocking currently. He introduced Archie. I'm frightened to say his name now, because you'll see why in a minute.

Archie, the actor from Saltburn. Oh, right, yeah. And he said, and Archie, and then he said to him, how do you pronounce your surname? I said, no, this is something I would have checked before. But obviously, in a light-hearted way. Frank, this is something I would have checked before. But obviously, in a light-hearted way. Frank, this is something

I would have checked before. But then... In a light-hearted way. Maybe I didn't say that. Maybe I said did you consider checking this before? Oh, that's infinitely preferable. Exactly. And then I brought up Find the Banana,

which was a thing that they tried once when I was on. They had a banana on set and somebody had to, if you saw it, you had to say, I've seen the banana and say where it is and I think you want a key ring or something. So he said, we've got an exciting thing. I said, you're not bringing back um find the banana there's a sense of look just leave us alone frank you bully

i can't imagine why and the frustrating thing is when you've done it a show 10 times you get a golden um sunday brunch mug i've got a silver one for five times but I've only done it seven times I don't think I'm going to be asked back no was it what did Tim Laughjoy say

then he just said please stop being so negative yeah did he say I beseech you on air though he said it I mean I've got I basically got told off

so I'll never get me golden I don't know I mean I'm 66. Have I got another three pluggable projects in me? Oh, God. I'm still a little concerned about the potential fallout. Well, I thought it was all good fun because there's a bit where it sort of went a bit they weren't talking and i said oldies it's commercial

break are you guys still doing presenting this but i thought it was all friendly leg pulling so you were you were heckling throughout sunday i was commentating but But what happened? Are you bringing back Find the Banana? Then I ended up, we were just talking amongst ourselves. We were just giggling like Tim and Simon were the teachers and the TA. I was just giggling amongst the guests. I mean, it was... So you deprived Tim of the chance to feel like he was one of the fun students. Well, I stormed it, but no one heard it.

I was only the other guests. But it was, and then there was a minute. Why didn't you send a letter of apology? Anyway, so there was a, I was in a cricket club once where they said you can only play again if you send a letter of apology. What did you say? Bye. Have you send a letter of apology what did you say bye have you ever sent letters you do you always you do admit when you're wrong i find yeah when i'm wrong but you're right you felt there was a fair enough guess about what happened

because i went to i was i was going to play for this cricket team and i got very I went to watch them and I got very drunk and the way I sat on the grass I leaned on my arm and my arm went dead completely I mean it just it was really like full on not just pins and needles because I was drunk I didn't realize as it got number and number and ceased to work. And then I started banging it on things to try and bring it back to life. And somebody told me to stop banging on something and I told them to mind their own business and in the end I was asked to write a... Yeah, anyway, that was a long time ago.

Frank, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars, she caught your appearance. Oh, yeah. Frank's best Sunday brunch moment was definitely when he said, are we still on air? I thought this was the commercial break. Yeah, it did. She says, but hey, if you don't want to be given notes,

don't invite Frank on. Well, like I said, I think that's the end of my brunch work. And then a man did a meal, which I'm not going to say. A man did a meal? I'm not going to say who actually was it, a man. I'm not going to say. But there was a meal was made. Someone did a meal.

And it just come up a bit dry. Oh, Frank, please tell me you didn't say that. No, I didn't say that. But it's one of these, what is it? Is it nice that everybody went We have no saliva left in our mouths. What was it? I can't say

what it was or I'll give the game away. Oh, I see. I have to be I think you might have given the game away already. Is that why you were looking around the studio for a banana. You know that game? Yeah.

Is this a commercial break? You know that? No, no. But I love that show. I love those guys. Can I just say, in a public announcement,

he means no harm. No, I just thought, because I've done it a few times. E.T. Paddington Bear sort of thing. It means no harm. To me, he is like... When he wrecks the bathroom.

It is, it's a bit like Paddington wrecking the bathroom. He means no harm. He has great love to give. You know you get people together. I've done it a few times. A bit of friendly leg pulling. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, good news. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Beck, loser. Alright. Not really.

We are sitting here. Not really. So, yeah. I'll tell you what I did get, though, out of Sunday brunch. I got a free radiator key, branded with the Sunday lunch logo. A radiator key? You know the thing when you bleed

the radiator. But I'm just saying... Are they actually coming darn useful? Yeah. Yes, I said darn. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm the proud owner of one. Oh, of course. But I had no idea that you could get a branded brunch radiator key. Yeah.

Have some eggs and avocado, bleed the radiators. It's brunch. But then again, let's see, I tried to explain why I like bleeding the radiator. And by now, they just, they weren't listening to me now. They hated me. Well, after you'd said, said oh i thought it was the commercial right well i said every time i bleed a radiator and you inhale that i i can smell the industrial revolution i can smell every factory i've worked in i can smell getting up in the morning and you

know taking a packed lunch on the boss in the dark to the factory job. It all comes back to me. They weren't interested. After you'd said, why didn't you look that up? Where's the banana? I was going to say I think you might have just lost the dressing room somewhat at that point. And then I did Lorraine. Oh, I love me a bit

of Lorraine. Later in the week. And I tell you what I really liked on Lorraine. Tanya Bardsley was on. Do you know the Real Cheshire Housewives wife? I love Tanya Bardsley. She was great.

Do you watch Real Housewives of Cheshire, Frank? I haven't watched it. I only knew she was because I know who her husband is. Is it Phil?

Yeah. But she was, we had a good laugh as well. And she's like incredibly, because she had a bright orange dress on and I said, oh, I love that glow in that dress. And I started, I said, it's like having a lovely three bar electric fire in the corner of the room. Started warming my hands from a distance as you would with a fire. You don't touch an electric fire, nor do you touch Tanya Bardsley.

No. Anyway, she was very nice. Unless you're Phil Bardsley. And she said, I need someone to sort of, you know, brighten me up. I said, you look great. She said, yeah, but it's all filler and Botox. I thought, I love you. I love you.

Right up there. And then, as I was leaving, you know, I love a public ginger. Since I've had a ginger child, I love to see gingers doing well. I bumped into Sarah Ferguson. Did you? And I said, I said, we are big supporters

of the public gingers in our family. Oh, Frank, did you? Did you have any idea what you meant? Yeah, I just need to unclench my... No, she was great with it. Oh, good. She said, oh, yeah, me too. She said, I'm a big chap.

She said, Elizabeth I. I thought, whoa, you've started, you've played your big card. I was so late with you. Then I showed her a picture of my son and she's going, oh, he's a proper. She was one of the people who says, Ginga, you know, people do that. She said, he's a proper Ginga. She said, we should get together and do something about the way gingers are treated in this country. I'm with you.

Strange coffee friend. I'm with you. She was lovely. I really liked her. I like her. I've got to say. Are you a fan, Pierre? I've never met her.

Oh. And she had that, you know, she wears sometimes that pseudo-military Coronation Street top. She had that on. I was so glad she had that on. What did she go for a bit? Quality Street. Yeah. Yes.

But she wore it well. So, yeah, it was. And then I, well, I'll tell you in a minute, because the producer, but it's just really been a hobnobbing. Oh, I'm loving it, Pia, aren't you? Kind of a week. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, can I ask a question about Sunday brunch? You can ask a question, yes. Do you, which is, you know, you better prepare for this because this will be happening at the press conference later. Do you find it difficult to eat whilst the interview's going on? How does one navigate that? No, I'm fine with that. One thing, I always have a cocktail stick in my pocket when I do Sunday brunch

to get the bits out of my teeth oh you're good you can see all the guests and they've got stuff in their teeth and I always think well I'm not saying anything no I'll be demure on the topic of that

if not the nun no but this time I did I think it's nice to tell people. Yes. It's on television. You don't want them to, you know, look poor. I also met Kai and Nadia from Strictly. Did you indeed?

And it's difficult meeting professional dancers. They're so, like, too perfect. So perfect. And Kai, to remind me, was he dancing with Angela Rippon? He was. Kai is the one, when I was a kid, a scrawny kid who got shoved about at school, I used to read those adverts that show kids like me

having sand kicked in their face by people that look like Kai. He's got one of those He-Man jaws, you know what I mean? But he's very nice. But they are sober and they're a real couple as well. I mean, doesn't bear thinking about. Be like an Athena poster. Oh, thanks. Inappropriate.

Yeah, I think professional dancers, they're like fireworks. They're best seen from a distance. They're just too much close up. They did a little bit of dancing just over my... They have a thing on Lorraine where they cut to you. You're in the kitchen and you smile and they say, coming up soon, Frank Skinner. You do a bit of a smile. They did a thing on Lorraine where they cut to you, you're in the kitchen and you smile and they say,

coming up soon, Frank Skinner, you do a bit of a smile. They did a little dance. It was brilliant. Did you say, is this the commercial break or what? No, I was very impressed by that, I must say. But it's too much. Yes. Oh, yes.

So do they dance in front of you, Frank? They dance just over my shoulder, but seeing them close up dancing like that, two, like, perfect people, I mean, what's happening? It's like looking directly at the sun. It is. It is like that.

It's like when I went and saw the eclipse and everyone had got these really fancy filter things and I took a bin liner to look through. That's the most you thing I've ever heard. It worked. I don't see what people say. I think I've heard that's dangerous. I said, well, I'm looking through a bin liner. How can that?

What damage can that do? It worked. It did work. Never mind that you humiliated yourself. I didn't humiliate myself. I was shown to be like a sort of Womble figure. I was allowed to take on a major natural event and I managed to use something synthetic to help me through it. It's not the first time that combo's worked for me.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, you remember the other week I was talking about Kermit's collar? Yes, sometimes Kermit the Frog wears a sort of... Medieval jester collar. Yeah, little arrows all around. Yeah, like little pointy things. Sometimes he decides to clothe himself.

It looks like he's got bunting around his neck, is what it looks like. But I realised that this week, I went to see Elf the Musical, and I realised it's stock elf uniform as well. It's that thing around his neck. That's true, isn't it? In fact, there was people in the audience

who wore elf clothing. I didn't realise that. It's a bit Rocky Horror. There were lots of people. Dressed as elves? Yeah. I say lots. I mean, I saw several grown men in elf outfits.

Oh, I like the sound of them. Yeah. Were they nylon outfits? Well, I didn't get close enough for obvious reasons, but I like the idea that people are dressing up for Elf the Musical. And I'll tell you what else people are doing. There's a bloke in the row in front of us who bought a T-shirt from the merch shop,

the Elf the Musical merch, and was wearing it like over a shirt and tie. You know what I call it? Tory MP at a jumble sale. There you go. Tory MP at a children in need event. Let me just slip this on. There we go.

Oh dear. But it was, I think I was probably the only person in the room who had never seen the film. Oh. So I was completely fresh to the old elf concept. You've not seen it. No, I've never seen the film. Oh. So I was completely fresh to the old Elf concept. You've not seen it. No, I've never seen the film.

You've started with the musical. I've started with the musical, yeah. Yeah, he's like one of those I've never seen Star Wars people. Yeah, I'm only going to go and see the slam poetry version of Star Wars and then I'll watch the film. So how fascinating. What did you make of Elf? Well, I've never been sure about Farrell.

Have you not? Actually, my son, it's his favourite actor. He always says Will Farrell is his favourite actor. Well, me too. I'm a big fan of Orton's Farrell. I have a problem with actors who have an indistinctive face. Sometimes reasonable. I don't think his face is... If there was a Will Ferrell...

If Will Ferrell did something bad and I was called in for a line-up, I'm not sure I'd recognise him. Well, I think he might after this show. Do you not think... I think he's got sort of very distinctive eyes. Do you? I don't.

To me, he just looks like... Generic man. A sort of very distinctive eyes. Do you? I don't. To me, he just looks like... Generic man. A sort of, yeah, artist's impression. He could be the man walking in front of a new shopping centre on an artist's impression of what it's going to look like. Basically. I've dreamed of that job. I'd love to be like Bloke Walks Dog in front of the new art center in the artist's

impression oh yeah and the trees look so round though oh lovely you know man waving from front of hypothetical house yeah no it's good you see ray wouldn't get any work in those because he's not to scale they're always the same size the the dogs. Right, your dog, yes. Probably might get the odd stick. So, no, I've never seen the film, so it was, yeah, it was, I mean, I loved it. I loved it. It's the most Christmassy thing I've ever seen in my life. Really?

I don't want to tell you what happens, but there's no Christmas stone left unturned. Well, you don't need to worry about telling us what happens because we all have seen it. Of course, you've all seen it, yeah. If you don't need to worry about telling us what happens because we all have seen it. Of course, you've all seen it, yeah. If you don't know what happens in the music... I went back and met the cast and that after, you know... Did you tell them that you'd never seen the film?

I didn't tell them that. They wouldn't be bothered. They'd be glad. Well, I was going to say. Do you think there were people at the musical saying, well, of course, I've read the book? Yeah. Is there a book?

I don't think so. I don't think so. Is there? I did have a thought. Now there a book? I don't think so. I don't think so. Is there? I did have a thought, now this is something for you to think about. I think it's brilliant when you go and see a musical

because they all wear mics so you can hear everyone talking. Why don't they do that in your serious dramas? What do you mean? What on stage? Yeah. So there could be

a better range of talking. No, but this is heighty-tighty. I didn't do three years of voice work. But what about the people out there? It's like, you know, the old doing the knowledge for three, four, five years, learning

every street in London, when you can just get a sat-nav. Get a mic. But then you lose that amazing thing you get in plays sometimes where the actors have to do something conspiratorial and they're still basically bellowing but they're trying to bellow in a way that suggests

but it would all work on a mic the things they did at drama school they could do all their stuff at drama school more tree stuff. Yeah, humility. Wow. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

I've had some presents today. Go on. From Emily Dean, I have had a mug with a series of Gerry Anderson villains on. Titan from Stingray, The Hood from Thunderbirds, and Captain Black from Captain Scarlet, and of course, our favourite, X20. Captain Black from Captain Scarlet, and of course, our favourite, X20. Looking like if Roy Hodgson had spent too long on the sunbed.

He looks like that. She also got me a book called Future Music from Germany, which is the story of one of my all-time favourite bands, Kraftwerk. I've got some advice. See you in Paris, Ralph. What's that quote from? I was talking to Ralph Hutter, one of the brains behind Kraftwerk,

backstage after a gig in Milan, and Grace Jones went past and said, see you in Paris, Ralph. I thought, this is the life. This is the life. That was like Dennis Rodman leaving the Big Brother house, Frank. Who said? Who said, string fellows.

Yeah, as a way to meet the men on the show. How disgusting. Yeah, so I got that. And also, tucked into that mug was a little packet of... You know what? You know who? Tacus. Tacus.

I've also occasionally, I hear from John Walsh, who writes books. He writes what you might call the book of the film. That's his thing. But when book of the films used to be like novelisations of things, he does big coffee table, mass colour picture. In the past, you may recall, I've had, for example, Flash, the book of the film, Conan the Barbarian, and now The Wicker Man.

Yes. So massive picture, story of the film, the whole thing. Brilliant. Thank you, John. If you're listening, I shall devour it. I've already, I've recently recorded the film itself and a documentary about that film. So I can just have a complete Wicker Man weekend

and then, I don't know, torture a few locals maybe. You could build your own for Christmas. Yeah, you could. That'd be nice. I got you a mini-tacket. I'm Chris Rea building a Wicker Man for Christmas. Oh, have some water or something before you go on. No, not you, Chris Rea.

Yeah, but he doesn't want to stop, you know. If the snow gets any worse, he might not make it. really yeah business want to stop you know the snow gets any worse it might not make it and stop at the services uh 8-bit north stitch has got in touch i've checked this north stitch go on frank's takis chat is conjuring weird happenings for listeners. Yesterday, I heard a woman shouting down her phone, he's had two packets already before his tea. Don't give him more Takis. Wow, who was eating that? Some sort of fire eater. That was Kath who was saying that.

Okay, fair enough. I came and worked today to find these on my desk and 8-Bit North Stitch has enclosed a picture of exactly the same tachys I got you. I think they're the miniature tachys. They're sort of pocket size. Pocket tachys. Emergency tachys.

Travel tachys. What would you call them? We need to help tachys because they haven't... I think travel tachys is going to like the alliteration. No, it sounds a bit like a sort of strange hotel. Tachet. No. I think what I like a sort of strange hotel. Taquette? No. No? I think what I might do for emergencies

is thread some taquis onto a chain and wear them around my neck. Yes, yes, yes. Like those candy necklaces. Yeah, but you'd get a lot of the red that the fiery dust would... On your collarbone.

I used to do this thing so as not to sneeze on authors. You know, some people put their hands in front of their mouth, but it's inefficient. Yes. So I often pull my T-shirt up when I sneeze. Yes. And then I noticed, I lay in bed, I noticed there was quite a bit of muesli matted into my chest hair.

Oh, my God. Frank. It was breakfast radio. It's all apposite. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank. Yeah. There's a petition that's being circulated about you.

About me? You're the subject of it. Okay. I'll share this with you. Is it signed by Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer? It's to bring back Find the Banana. Oh, yeah. Stop being negative on our show.

We call upon. We the undersigned. What is he? I'm intrigued. It's all right. And I'm not often intrigued. There's nothing untoward. Andy Wood, one of our regulars, as you know, from any particular area in the country, Frank?

Is he from Bronte country? He is. I remember. I don't know if Andy started this, but he shared something with us. Sign the petition to get ITV to finally air Shane's series two. Oh God, I don't know if he's doing me a favour. Come on readers, something has to be done. There's people in it that are no longer with us. You don't have to have those things at the end, the dates and pictures. In memoriam.

It's like Dad's army. No, there's more than that. Why this petition matters. I've clicked on it. It's been registered with Change.org. You currently have 15 signatures. 15? That should be enough, shouldn't it? It's ITV nowadays.

Andy Wood says by signing this petition you are supporting not just a single fans request but also promoting access to quality content. Wow, that's a big assumption. That reflects our cultural heritage in television arts.

Shane. Now I just remind you we're talking about Shane here. Season 2. And there's some lovely comments. Already Scott Coulter, who's just signed, Shane series one was superb. Need to see series two. Simon McCarthy, I love Frank,

we need this in the world. Shane two, who knew? What do we call it, that? Shane two, who knew? For Christmas. Yeah. All I want for Christmas is Shane 2. If a TV programme got 15 people complaining about something, it'd be like a major event at the broadcaster. I think your manager will be sitting there with that little calculator of his.

He'll be thrilled about this news. I think he's in New Zealand. Oh, OK. Just saying. He bought this for a christmas present i thought this was a very fabulous piece of logic yeah um a guy who actually met at sarah spracklin's wedding sarah spracklin being our uh producer um called dan i had dinner with him the other night and he said I've got you a present he said I heard on the radio

show, I don't know if you remember this but I got a 3 metre iPhone cable which I plugged in at the side of my bed and it means you can look at the phone while it's still charging and it's you've got plenty of he said and you've got plenty of... He said, and you said,

it's a genuinely improved the quality of your life. And I said, I honestly do. He said, so I've got you a five metre cable. Where does that end? I'm having dinner with him in ten years' time. You're going to have dinner with him in ten years' time. You're going to have dinner with him in 10 years' time and still be charging your phone at home. Exactly.

And have it on you. That would be brilliant. What I liked about that, it was a good joke, but you lost faith that the audience would get it, so you started adding extra explanatory details. We've all done it. Yeah. This is what Bruce Forslatt used to say.

So I was in the kitchen the other day, in the kitchen. So I was in the kitchen. You think your respect for the audience couldn't be any less. Oh, my goodness. We still miss him, of course. I went to Paris for Christmas once and there wasn't much Christmas stuff about. They don't like Christmas.

I can imagine. This is very American, the red man climbing down the avenue. Coca-Cola. Yeah, exactly. C'est vulgaire. Like those, who's the really heavy metal German band

that wear the crazy masks? Oh, Basel, no. Laudi, no. No, that's Laudi. Those are the Finnish. Rammstein. Rammstein. Oh, Rammstein.

We are leaving America. Yeah. Coca-Cola. Wanda Bra. Those are the two most revoltingly American things, according to Rammstein. Jonathan Ross's favourite band. Really?

Yes, one of them. Oh, him and Buzz are going to have to get jamming together. Yeah, they're good. I have a feeling there was some form of cancellation recently. Oh, dear. Oh, very positive. But, you know. It happens to us all, dear.

It's always a good guest to have. Especially after we've done Sunday brunch. Oh well. When I be back. Let's keep an eye on that one. Oh I hope you are because you do love that show. It's been good to you as well. Has it? Put a few inches on the waistline.

What else? We've heard from the outside world haven't we yeah we've heard from nicola who says dear team quite corporate yeah i'm all right with that now i was very surprised to hear a follower of the nazarene yeah attribute a bible verse to dr johnson last week as a dog returns to his vomit so a fool repeats his folly is actually from Proverbs 26.11. Oh, fair enough, yes. So only quoted by Dr. Johnson. Well, that's good.

That's a good text. Yeah, well... Do you think Bush and Ritchie are getting texts like that? I think... I doubt it. I think Bush and Ritchie are word perfect on their Proverbs. They probably are. They wouldn't have made that mistake in the first place.

But thank you, Nicola. She says, it's good to be an Anglican and help out. Although when Frank picked on me because I was on the front row of his show in Edinburgh this summer, he was somewhat affronted when I said I was an Anglican and he proceeded to call me Jessica thereafter. But not deliberately. No.

I was at the Archbishop of Canterbury's carol service this week. Were you? You know. How was it? Judge ye not, for as ye judge, so shall ye be judged. I bet he really pulls that one. You know, I said that to a hairdresser once. What did you?

She says, you just need a bit of a zhoosh. And I said, zhoosh ye not, for as ye zhoosh. And she didn't even say, what does that mean or anything? She just carried on as if I hadn't said anything, as if she hadn't heard anything. Because from her point of view, you're just having some sort of moment of terrible gibberish. I get that.

You're in a hairdresser's, you're innocently zhuzhing someone's hair, giving them a zhuzh, and then they turn round and say to you... But you know when you say something like that, and when they totally ignore you like that, it's like they think, oh, we've got a right one here. We've got a crazy...

Yeah, I need to get this guy out of the chair as soon as possible. He's throwing scripture at me. But if you know too much... Well, I don't think she'd have identified it as scripture. If you know too much, ye will be judged. Yeah. Well, yes. I don't know what that means.

Well, what I'm saying is I think ye were judged for your level of knowledge. It's like, oh, he's talking about his weird book. I just think people think, me and P.A. always talk about it, you get this in audiences. You look at someone and they're thinking, oh, this is just stupid. Well, they look at you and they say,

I don't know what that is. And that makes you an idiot. Yeah, I don't know what that is. And that makes you an idiot. Yeah, I don't know what that is and that makes it worthless. That's what they say. Which I'm always interested in. When I went to, I was perusing books for you this week and I like to do your book in person. Nice.

I don't go Amazonian for that. Oh, okay. I like to clap my eyes on it. And I asked the man and I just thought this was quite odd for a bookshop. Maybe it's just me. But when I said, I said, are you looking for anything particular?

And I said, I am as a matter of fact. It's a book for a friend. So we were talking about sort of stuff I'd got you in the past. I thought that'd be helpful. I mentioned a book I'd got you last year. I said, well, he loved... There was a book on The Wasteland.

Oh, yes. I got it last year. And he said, what? I said, The Wasteland. He went, oh, I don't know that one. Okay. That one. And then I mentioned T.S. Eliot.

He might be from a different department. Was he from humour? If you'd have mentioned 22 things to do with a dead cat, he'd have been all over you like a rash. We're still on air? We are. Is that to reassure any nuclear submariners tuning in to check okay if there's any kind of a see my silence you really don't like it or panic yeah i know he doesn't like it

well we're we'll fill that silence yeah fill it fill it with gold we have heard from peru okay after last week's discussion. So, Loretta. Oh, yes. I was saying in case you didn't listen last week. Do you remember Pado, as they call you now on Sunday brunch? Yeah. You were the Paddington bear. I was in the back of a minicab

and the man mentioned that he was from Peru and he said he'd come here and he'd had hard times here when he first arrived, but now he's happy in the country. I said, you've had a similar journey to Paddington Bear. And he took exception to it and said, there are no bears in Peru. No, they're all over here, mate. That's what I should have said.

Not anymore. Anyway, cue Nibali. they're all over here mate that's what I should have said I don't know not anymore anyway Q Nivelli we've heard from Loretta dear Frank good morning I'm an avid listener of your radio program

on Saturdays even when on my way to visit family on those days so even on tram yeah on route however

I'm from Peru and when listening to your program today in the Sunday recap from yesterday, as I missed it, I heard the comment about this taxi driver about no bears in Peru, three question marks.

Oh, look, I'm on it. Don't shoot the messenger. No, no. The three question marks, I think, are fired in succession towards the taxi driver. Yeah. Not yours, Frank. Don't worry. Yeah. There's comments from the taxi driver. Yeah, okay. Not yours, fine. Don't worry.

Yeah. There's comments from the taxi driver about no bears in Peru. Unfortunately, this isn't true. Oh. Paddington Bear is based on bears that live in the Sierra part of the country, in the Andes. Peru is in three parts. The coast is Costa, the middle part is Sierra,

and the third part is Selva. And Machu Picchu is in the Sierra. Paddington Bear is based on a bear called the Spectacle Bear. See, I... When... What, the bear wears glasses? When we discussed this, I said to Pierre, if you recall, what about the Spectacle Bear?

Because I once gave money to a fundraising... Oh, you didn't do Dancing Bears. For the Spectacle Bear. No, no, I tried to help the Spectacle Bear just to get a type of prescription. Thing was swinging into branches. Better or worse? Better or worse?

You know where they should have gone. Yeah, exactly. Laura to continue. I just wanted to clarify, as my children were big fans of Paddington It should have gone. Yeah. Exactly. Laura continues, I just wanted to clarify, as my children were big fans of Paddington when they were little, and the fact that I'm originally from Peru, well, I couldn't leave it like that.

Does she have... What was... Hey, listen, does Paddington wear glasses? No. Oh, I thought he had little granny glasses. He does, actually, no, you're right. Sometimes he does seem to put on some reading glasses. Oh, maybe.

From whence? What's he going to read? He's a bear. He's got reading glasses, but no trousers. Priorities, Paddington. Who is... What's... Is he Grey Aunt something?

He's got a relative, hasn't he, back home? Oh, yeah. And in the movies, much is made of this aunt. Yeah. Is it great aunt something? He's got a relative, hasn't he, back home? Oh, yeah. And in the movies, much is made of this aunt. Yeah, whereas in the books, it's a bit her indoors. Yeah, probably not indoors. Her outdoors. I was going to say. Her in the Sierra.

Her in the tree. Have they somewhat romanticised the relationship? Her in the Sierra sounds a bit of a dodgy anecdote from the 80s. Well, I'd like to share some correspondence we've had from our listeners. Good, good. For example, Juliette Dack in, I believe this is pronounced Keithley. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank.

Just listening to the podcast of last week's show, when you mentioned, this might have been from the week before actually, when you mentioned Jean Pitney's appearance on Sunday night at the London Palladium. Oh, yes. The American singer closed the big variety show Sunday night at the London Palladium. And as the applause came, he said said now that's what i call singing about himself yeah uh okay well juliet clocked that we enjoyed it she says my lasting impression of gene was an appearance on this morning back in the days when it came from the liverpool docks oh, yes. Remember those? Yes, the floating weather.

Yes. Whatever it was, map of the United Kingdom. And Jean was there as a guest. Which people used to use for lovemaking out of hours. Became a thing to go on the floating map. Okay. Yeah. Nothing to do with me.

You're looking at me. I'm just saying all the people. There's a slightly odd energy in here. Yeah. Nothing to do with me. You're looking at me. I'm just saying all the people. There's a slightly odd energy in here. Yeah. Anyway, Juliette Dack from Keithley continues, unfortunately, Gene was unaware that the track had begun and there he was stood looking awkward and unsure whether to start singing or not.

Oh, no. After a few seconds, he went for it. Now that's what I call miming. Thank you, Juliet. I enjoyed that also. That is very fine. Frank, a couple of shows back. You're not going to believe this.

Well, we'll see if you will. Hello, Frank, Emily and Pierre. This is from Robin Kelly. We have roads named after people. Attached. And we have a map, don't we, Pierre? We do.. This is from Robin Kelly. We have roads named after people, attached. And we have a map, don't we, Pierre? We do. And what is this road called?

Francis Skinner Place. It's actually called Frank Skinner Place. Or is it Francis? It's Francis. It's north of Auckland. It backs onto a Catholic church. Oh. Warm wishes from Auckland.

Francis Skinner Place. What if I just bought a house i just for the hell of it never went save time on letter writing from others yeah it could be worth it we've also uh heard from a number of people who enjoyed your appearance on sunday brunch in fact i'm getting a hashtag sund brunch. Oh, right. Okay? It's all good, Frank. Yeah. For example, Ali E has got in touch. I think he's called it Sunday brunch bechamel. A lot of stuff about bechamel sauce.

Was there? What is bechamel sauce? It's a sort of white... I was probably talking to the guests during this bit. It was still mic'd up. I was giggling at the back. It's a white sauce. You know, it's not quite a hollandaise. It's not as eggy or as creamy as a holland.

Okay, I get the picture. So anyway, Ali E says, I woke up and immediately turned on my TV to see eight celebrities looking puzzled and slightly nauseous. Frank on the radio was talking about eating coal did you discuss eating coal there was a weird

they gave us a marshmallow that was supposed to look like coal as part of a Christmas but coal is a New Year's Eve thing no coal is the punishment in your stocking is it? from Father Christmas how did you grow up? if you're naughty is the punishment in your stocking. Is it? From Father Christmas.

How did you grow up? If you're naughty, you get coal in your stocking. Do you? I've never heard of that before. That was a treat. That was your treat, Father. Finally, a Christmas tradition that I've heard of and other people haven't. No, that's good.

And also a menacing element to Christmas lunch, which is having a... My dad used to get drunk at Christmas. Ah. Well, that's... Well, I mean, you know, the last laugh is on me, it seems. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been somewhat preoccupied with Bechamel sauce.

I say preoccupied. We've had a couple of people get in touch with us. I think it came up whilst you were on Sunday brunch. Did it? Like I say, I was probably talking to my... You were mercilessly ribbing. I was. I was the naughty kid

at the back of the class. Yes. Ian is Wilson, one of our regulars. Wilson. Just wanted to give you some info regarding bechamel sauce because you're off.

No, you're all right. It's coming anyway. Okay. Bechamel sauce is equal parts in weight, butter and flour, and then watered down with milk until it's runny. Add cheese, and it's called Mornay sauce.

You know a Mornay? Called it Mornay, surely you must have had it some stage. No. Okay. It sounds like pancake. Back to Pierre in the studio. That's a Mornay. Yeah. I like a big pizza

Can you do the voice? I don't think they're oppressed I've been backed up by 717 Hi Frank and the gang Pierre is right If you're naughty Santa brings a piece of coal

instead of a present from Dave and Wiggin Well I wouldn't know So listen I'll tell you what happened to me gone I was at elf the musical and you and buzz me and buzz it's very fine show and Bob before the show they played Christmas music yes okay as is tradition yeah but just like not from the show, they played Christmas music. Yes. Okay. As is tradition. Yeah. But just like, not from the show, just Christmas music.

And they played Last Christmas by Wham. Now, I didn't hear anyone make that sound. I didn't hear anyone go, oh, no. It was just, it just was played and that was it now there is a theory that there is a game called Whamageddon yeah

where you have to avoid hearing that song between the 1st and the 24th of December yes correct and

the way it's spoken I think Absolute Radio have embraced it have they? yeah and yeah but they embraced The way it's spoken, I think Absolute Radio have embraced it. Have they? Yeah. But they embraced the Victorian Asylum publicity campaign, if you remember, with me and Ian Wright looking from windows in straitjackets.

We've all made mistakes. We didn't know. We didn't know. We didn't know back then. I didn't know that. No, not many people do. And will you ever know? then. I didn't know that. No, not many people do. And nor will you ever know. No.

Even Homer nods. He's gone the way of finding the banana. But anyway, I'm not sure it has. Is it widespread? I understood there was consternation this week when it was played at the football

game. It was at the Emirates, wasn't it? It's quite an online thing. I only know a couple of people who I've known to play it in real life. It's certainly a big thing online. Right. But it is a thing. I think it's more of a...

It's out there. Yes. I think it's more the people who like Facebook. Right, okay. You know what I mean by that? I didn't know Facebook was still happening. Well, there you go. Well, there you go.

Is it still around? But don't judge me on it. It's a very Facebook era thing. Should she not? You know, I always get the names and I always say, oh yeah, so it's on Backpack and people look at me like,

oh, it's some stupid old man, which is obviously has some validity. I can never remember what the things are. Backpack is quite a good idea for a name. That would be okay, wouldn't it? What's in your backpack? These things start and then they go and one doesn't know. Path?

I'm told Whamageddon is quite global. Pierre? I suppose if it's online it must be global, yeah. Anywhere where Wham has been forced upon the population or is extremely

popular. They say forced but I actually think they've got that wrong because I think Last Christmas, controversially, is one of the few genuinely good Christmas songs. Okay, well, we'll come back to that in just a second. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank, I've already eaten Santa's entire trunk. Have you really? Yeah. We get chocolate Santas from the producer. We do. I don't know whether she pays for them or just takes them out of the budget

and they'll say I pay for them. No, they're personally paid for. That's lovely. Yeah. And it's lint. I don't mean the stuff one takes off one's velvet jacket with sellotape. No, or a roller.

Yeah, I don't have a roller. I'd be so lucky to get five lint rollers for one birthday. Yes, delicious chocolate rollers. Whamageddon. Whamageddon. So people, can I say, we don't have any intention of playing it in case you're thinking this is a trap.

There is panic. No, calm down, Jamie Mason 0897. Yeah, but we are strapped across various other channels, the decade channels, as we call them on Absolute. I don't know what they're up to. What decade would it be? 80s. Okay, so if you're on 80s, be careful.

The others, you'll be safe. I think part of the problem is... Although I think, wasn't it number one in like 2010? Well, here's the thing. Wasn't it left off number one because of Band-Aid and George Michael, being such a lovely chap, had agreed to forego the royalties? There was something anyway.

There was, yes. But he, yeah, I think it was never number one. I think it was number one eventually. Yes, probably afterwards. As a sort of justice thing. Yeah, justice had to be done. Yeah, it was kept off the top by Do They Know It's Christmas. Yes.

The B side of which was called Who's They? The Cat's Mother. By Cat Stevens. Yeah. is I understand that the original Last Christmas, and it's all right to say Last Christmas. We could even play a different version, apparently, and that doesn't break the thing. Covers and remixes are allowed. You could play, for example,

if it was David Baddiel singing Last Christmas, that would be fine. I could play Joe McKeldry's cover version. Did he do one? He did. Do you remember him? X Factor guy, you won't know him. Of course I remember him, Frank.

Any road up, the original single, all the money went to the Ethiopian famine fund. Right? Now, has that stopped or does the money still go to various Ethiopian charities? If it does still go to those charities, well, well done, the Whamageddon people who are stopping people from playing it. I think there's a bit of a...

Oh, no, I'm afraid they can't have any money. Who's they? The cats? We've been through that. Well, actually... We can't have any money because we're playing this game online. Oh, all right, then. It's a big game where we ignore all of the collections for charity in the street. Frank, you have reason, as they say in France

when they're trying to translate English. You are right, because George Michael did leave a large proportion of his money, his estate, to charity. So, oh dear. These people are absolute bastards. This is a fun, arch, ironic game we play

that actually probably takes lives. And we think it's okay. I mean, what's gone wrong with the world? Frank, do you like Frank who goes to Hollywood? Yes. I thought you would. Something about his voice is that it's slightly troubled.

And I like that. Yes, you like that in a person. Yes. Now, here is the thing. So apparently they played Whams last Christmas. I'm still, by the way, we've been Googling this, I still think the people who stopped people playing it are costing charities lots and lots of money.

Well done you. It does seem so. I haven't looked into it. It does seem to be the case that charities will not be benefiting as a result of Wham again. Congratulations, everyone. What a lovely game it is. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Squid games and stuff. There'll be a lot of coal and a lot of stockings this year. Yes. I haven't seen Squid Games, but it sounds pretty humane and compassionate compared to Whamageddon. Anyway, they played it at,

there was an Arsenal ladies game that had 60,000 people and the DJ played it half time and got a bit of stick on X. There was an X-Man. An X-Man. Careful how you pronounce that, Frank. Actually, can you, I've debated this

before, but not on here, I think. Can you have a singer, if you're in the X-Men and you're somewhere on your own, are you an X-Man? Hello, I'm an X-Man. No. Hello, I'm... I think if someone said to you, I'm an X-Man. You'd have to say, I'm one of the X-Men.

What if... What if Wolverine would have to introduce himself? He's not going to introduce himself. He doesn't need to. That's true, actually, isn't it? It's very common. Let's not get into the X-Men. The X-Them.

But a man on X. I don't understand it. Is it the man? Oh, OK. It should be the X-Them. It covers all bases. Yeah, the X-Them. That sounds quite good. Yeah, the X-Them. Anyway, a man on X

said he said of the person who played it at Arsenal ladies game, he said, not funny and inexcusable. I don't know if I agree with inexcusable. I don't know if I agree with not funny. Quite funny.

What about, is inexcusable a tribute band for an excess? I'd like that. This bloke really didn't want the charities to get any money. He's furious about it it from the George Michael estate the trouble with this whole thing of getting angry at people playing it

is that the whole point of the game is that it's supposed to be a passive game where you just do your best kind of to avoid it but it's more about

just can you happen to make it through whereas if you turn it into a thing that you give people stick for playing then the game just becomes easier and easier. I'm afraid that's already happened.

Thanks, right. This is the thing. It ruins the game. Why put the man, one of the most charitable men, in the history of music? And someone has tied one hand behind his back, his giving hand.

But even without the compassion element, you're just making a game easier over time. And eventually no one will play it, and then the game will be won automatically. I have to say, it does represent progress that there's 60,000 people at a women's football team, and the stories about what the DJ played at halftime. Yes, great.

There was a time when that would have been seen as a momentous and unbelievable phenomenon. Also, I saw Andrew Ridgely just once coming out of a car park. Nothing funny. I was going in. He was coming out. Do you know, he gave me a wonderful smile. And it really stayed with me, that.

I'll tell you what else stayed with me. The health, the glow of the man well I speaking of his glow he was a manager on fantasy football back in the old days how was it? I remember the episode he was on was

reviewed and they said Andrew Ridgely looks as if he's been French polished I remember that. But I didn't really know what that meant, but it sounded brutal. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. And Louise Grant has confirmed,

my aunt once made Andrew Ridgely a fried egg sandwich. She concurs. Lovely chat. Oh, nice. There you go. I went into someone's beach house once. Do you remember this? I told you about it. I was very thirsty. Don't. This was so embarrassing.

And I said, can I get a drink of water? I ended up having a can of Coke and a bacon sandwich with these complete strangers. Did you just walk in on the beach? I just knocked on. I did knock on the door. You can't knock on the beach. Oh, it was the actual wooden beach, huh? Yeah, it was on the beach.

Canberra Sands, it was. What did you do? Knock, knock, hello. Knock, knock, I said, hello, can I get a drink of water? And they said, you're Frank Skinner. And I said, yeah, I wouldn't do it if I was an ordinary man in the street. Oh, my God. Me and David Baddiel left Wembley Stadium once.

We didn't know who was going to get home, so we just held our hands out and did some celebrity hitchhiking and someone drove us home. Can I ask you a question? Do you ever get the fear when you do that? That my ear might be in an envelope two days later on its way to my agent no i'm thinking of something infinitely worse okay that it might be one of the few people and you might not be on their radar no but they won't stop there okay self-selecting

the embarrassment of them saying so sorry why would I give you a glass of water? That doesn't bother you. Oh, those people. No, no, there were other beach hots. How much do you think management would want of the ransom money? Yeah, exactly. As a cut. Minimum of 15%. I've negotiated this.

I don't think they'd get a hate mail. I think they'd be left to perish. They'd be producing the Netflix series about it. You've got to factor that in. Yeah, exactly. I like the idea of Andrew Ridgely having a fried egg sandwich. That's a humble thing for a pop star to eat. When he was on Fantasy Football, I made the terrible error,

terrible interviewer's error of saying, what do you do now? Oh, no. What was I thinking of? And he said, I surf mainly. Good answer. He was a racing driver as well. Was he? Drove fast cars.

I admire pop stars who, once they've made their money, they have a sort of Mr. Ben lifestyle where they sort of try out. I like the sort of Roger Daltrey trout farm approach. Get a tweed jacket and a cap and walk around in the countryside. Yeah, I think that's good. And this game, by the way, if you're playing it, it's from the 1st to the 21st of December.

That's the rules. That covers most of the royalties, I would have thought. Any non-charity fans out there? Yeah. I think it ends on the 24th to stop the king playing it halfway through his speech as a prank.

You've been whimmed. Oh yes! I had a look at the website and it said don't send it to your friends like as a sound thing. That doesn't count. Oh it says it does

count but they don't approve of it. Oh, really? It says, we can't stop you deliberately sending your friends to Wham! Halla. But Valhalla is the hall of fallen heroes. That's right. It's an honourable place to be.

Yeah. Also, as I've said... Taken there by Valkyries. Frank, as I've said... Taken there by Valkyries. Frank, as I've said, it's actually one of the few good Christmas songs. What about Rheageddon? I'm down for that. Rheageddon?

Yeah. I can't do... I'm in home for Christmas. Oh. What's wrong with him? I cannot abide... I thought you meant a game in which you smack people really hard across the rear for three weeks.

Well, of course, I also love that idea. I don't think that's going to catch on. Chris Rea didn't. In many ways, although people would be outraged by that, think it was disgusting, I would say it's less disgusting than depriving charities from funds. The George Michael Estate. We've heard from Iona Fass.

Oh, yeah. Regarding Riz, the word of the year we discussed. Oh, yes, which means that you're... Your charm. Attractive to to other is it the charm of to other people who you want to go out with and your ability to yeah you got great raise and then and to raise people and it's it's sort of a shortening of charisma but narrowed down to romance well further, further examples.

Re-riz. When my mates use the phrase, I've often noticed it's with application, e.g. I might apply the riz, or he was applying the riz. Oh, I see, like chatting someone up. Laying on the chalk. Oh, okay. Putting on the riz.

Putting on the riz. Putting on the riz. Come on. Remember that Frankenstein film? Just as I thought, that makes me laugh. Oh, okay. Yeah. What about Riz?

Because last week we were talking about Riz Butin. Riz Butin, yeah. He really was attractive. He actually was attractive to women. Yeah, Riz Crackers. Riz Crackers. Being an eccentric religious figure. Why did you mention that Frankenstein? It's one of my favourite.

I mean, I know it's one of yours, but I can't move on now. I'm trying. You can. I need to take my mind off it by sharing something with you, which is, do you remember we were discussing dad remarks recently and i'm not jokes but things that dads just say over and over yeah it's more just things they have you know things that could only come from them so for example david from cork hi frank my dad's favorite saying when he was after some help with various tasks such

as repairing the car, gardening, painting the house etc. he would ask for help and if he noticed any glimmer of reluctance from the teenage me he would say, one volunteer is worth ten pressed men and then turn away and wait for me to help him. That's good. And you know I always did. That's good. That you know I always did. That's good. That's a good phrase.

That's like my, up there with my dad's reason for not voting Labour. Oh yes. You put a beggar on horseback, he'll ride into hell. Oh God. Beggar. That was a part of the political broadcast.

Yeah. We've also, we're discussing school trips recently. Sort of disappointing, slightly disappointing school trips. And we've also, we're discussing school trips recently. Sort of disappointing school trips. And we've had Tetra, what is that? Tetras? No, how do you pronounce it? Tetrain, Tetra-changel?

I don't know. Pierre will be at home. Maybe you should have checked it out before. What is this, Sunday brunch? Can you get me Tim Lovejoy's number thank you um regarding disappointing school trips i grew up in old hill in the black country oh yeah age five or six we were taken on a school trip to old hill high street the high street of our own little place come on make an effort teachers um i mean i remember um bars went on a school trip my son to a pizza hut and that wasn't very far prince andrew

he wasn't there no no sweat and also Christchurch, on the subject of school trips, because I really enjoyed this theme, our worst school trip was to a nearby park where we were tasked with counting all of the dog business in a certain section in order to estimate how many there were in the entire park. It was sold to us as maths. Well, it makes sense.

I quite like it. Alright, children, here you go. Maths. So look, that's it. Sarah Champion's coming up. Do listen to her. That was our last link of 2023, can you believe?

And we gave it to the people. Like when Jeremy Corbyn used to do Prime Minister's questions and he'd read our emails that he got and stuff like that in a humble way. For the next two Saturdays, there'll be best of 2023 shows. They'll be good, won't they? Imagine the best of this.

I mean this, which is just even more Ribena and less water. We'll be back on 6th of January live, it says here. In other words, well, that's optimistic for a man of my age. God willing, I'll be there too. Thank you so much for listening to us this year, in fact. And go and see Frank and Pierrot the Gielgud, it's ongoing. Yes, February the 5th. For two weeks.

Do you know what's good about it? You can buy it now as a Christmas present for your partner, or you can buy it then as a Valentine's present for your partner. Yeah. Thanks. Oh, we've ended now on economics

terrible nevertheless listen if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week that's probably what they said at the end of the last question of sport

little did they know now get out this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio Little did they know Now get out