The Frank Skinner Show - Reabok

Episode Date: May 16, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been to Cologne this week and tells the team about his trip. The team also discuss Boo and Pistol AKA The Depp dogs, Fidel's tracksuit and Alun's latest courses. As well as all of this Frank has a chair incident in the studio!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, you can text the show on 81215. All right, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and, oh, well, all right then.

You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website you've taught me round you silver tongue rascals so here we are again here we are again happy as can be all good friends and jolly good company

that would have been better if it had been like a jingle rather than having to do it live keep jingles live that's what I say that's what I was telling Father Christmas That would have been better if it had been like a jingle. That would have been nice, yeah. Rather than having to do it live. Oh, well. I don't know. Keep jingles live, that's what I say. Have you got that sticker on your guitar case? Yeah. Yeah, I have.

Do you remember when Absolute Radio gave out free guitar cases to its associates? I think it might have been before my time. I'm not sure they would want you to share that with people. I think it was before the credit crunch when money flowed like wine. Oh, didn't it? But then what was in the guitar cases? Sweets. It's true.

It was like a sort of promotional gift. It wasn't full of sweets. All right. Partially full. It had like, I think it had three chocolates eclair, toffee eclair. Frank's manager got one? Yeah, he got. I mean, my manager got a guitar case.

What's he going to do with that? I don't know. As it was, he bought a baby giraffe and turned it into a cart for it. Maybe.

So... 15% of a baby giraffe. Yes. Well, anyway, um, I'm just having a bit of a scratch.

Are you fine? You're all right. You've got an itch there. I suddenly, whenever this show starts, I get a bit itchy. I'm starting to wonder if it's nerves. The itch came back. The itch came back and the mother to desire.

So, um... I think the phrase the itch came back is in a children's story. Yeah. Is it? What about when I got an itch as an adult? Did you? Yes. I'll probably get them soon. I lied and I said I had children.

Because the thought of having to purchase this shampoo with a big beetle on the front. Did it have a beetle on the front? Yeah, it had a big beetle. Paul McCartney. He said, how many children? I said, two. So you had to buy two bottles. He said, boy or girl?

And I thought, why is it any of your business? But I didn't. I realised it was to do with hair length. Of course. I said boy and a girl. I'm probably going to get them soon, aren't I? Because children are, let's face it, a reservoir of disease and infection. Yeah.

Most teachers, I think, go down with stuff all the time. Oh, yeah. That's all right. God bless them. I've had a bit of an outing this week have you no not that kind oh no i went i went to the musical theater i do i went um i went to cologne oh for i spent 22 hours in cologne. As the song goes. Yes. I went to see the cathedral, basically. Oh!

With three other comedians. Oh. We went on a quest to see Cologne Cathedral. Was this being filmed for some kind of reality show? No, it was... We paid for it ourselves. All funny guys go to Cologne Cathedral. Yeah, four mop tops who changed the world. There are flimsier premises for TV.

Oh, God, I'll say there is. Winton's Wonderland. Aid in Britain. No, we went, so we just went because we decided we wanted to see Cologne Cathedral. You've got to have some beauty in your life. Yeah, stick around here. Yeah. Did you stay overnight then?

Yes, we hired an apartment. Gah. This is getting a bit sleazy if you don't mind me saying now. No, it was, it was alright and, uh, I, I wasn't even sure if I'd been to Cologne before but, um, I liked the cathedral a lot. When we got there, when we arrived, we decided to get the Tube into town. Oh yeah. Because they, they have a underground.

Is it called something else, though? LeTube or LeMetro? It's Germany. Is it? Yeah. Das Tube. That's better. I'm not as small like it. Das Metro. I don't know what... De Metro. There's always that moment when you're asked for your passport when you arrive in Germany.

Oh, yeah. Passport, please. Did anyone at any point say, Das ist verboten? No. Or papers? No. I like Germans.

I think they're much better looking than the British. Do you think? Male and female, generally speaking, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, can't be helped. It's a great advert for sausage, though. Isn't it? More sausage, that. Isn't it?

More sausage, that's the answer. So when we got to the... You know, it's difficult when you're in a foreign country. You go up to the ticket machine for the tube and you don't know... And a lady came up to us and said, where are you going to? And we said, we're going to go to the cathedral. And she said, OK. So four tickets, blah, blah, blah.

And just did the whole thing for us. So I was really impressed by it. Never get that. And then she said, you don't have a euro for me, do you? And I realised that she was like a begging lady. And this was part of her thing. I thought, what a good idea. Yeah.

Rather than just the old handout, you know, the old traditional handout. Perform a useful function. Yes. Sing for your supper. Yes. I mean, we get a little bit of windscreen wiping, but generally here, and it really, we all gave her much more than we would have done. Well, I certainly gave her more than I would have done if she'd have just asked me.

I gave her something. I don't like the way this story's going. If you don't mind me saying. I'm still reeling from her begging, lady. Not least because you started this story with an itch. No, no. I gave her something. Even the way she asked, she said,

if you can spare a euro, if not, you know, it's fine. Oh, lovely. So, yeah, we... I don't think she meant that last bit. If not, it's fine. Oh, lovely. So, yeah, we... I don't think she meant that last bit. If not, it's fine. I think she meant fine. Did she mean fine in a female way? If not, it's fine.

I think fine is German for I'll kill the four of you. That was a really good idea. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I think it could be the way forward. Yeah, just a little service. A little service of some kind. I was in Mexico and there was a man who asked for money at the side of the road

and he was a fire eater. Right. And he was, you know, they did the... If you had any spare fire, it's... No, no, he wanted change. He was traditional at core. It was a traditional begging thing. I see.

As part of his, you know, instead of the outstretched hand, he spat fire into the atmosphere. Oh. Was it actually, was it a dragon? No, it was a bloke. I was impressed by that i've um i have thought about now now hear me out on this don't condemn me i'm just i'm just i'm just kicking around ideas i i once toyed with um i had my shoelace was undone and there was a bloke by the... I don't think you should continue.

But if I'd have said, I'll do that for us, here's a quid, that's a pretty good deal, isn't it? That is not bad. Yeah. And it's a very saleable skill, isn't it, the shoelace thing? Yeah, it is. And it'd almost be a badge of honour to have the knot upside down to show that you've been knotted by someone else,

to show that you were, you know, helping. I thought you meant it'd be a badge of honour for him to tie your shoelaces. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just talking about... See, that's the trouble with this country, is people see that as demeaning, but it's just a job, just like any other job. I think you should do a daytime show called

That's the Trouble With This Country. Sorry, Frank Skinner. The trouble is it'd be a very short show, let's face it. Oh. Eh? Because you know what? There'll always be an England. I'll leave it there. But you get the thing.

So, anyway, so we went to get our apartment in Cologne. Mm-hm. And we met the German man. Now, here's an interesting thing. Extremely good English, the man who ran the apartments. Very good English. You sure it wasn't a beggar? No, no.

I think you'll find the word is beggar man. That's basically correct. Beggar man. Ooh, beggar man, tie my lace. Tie my lace, tie my lace, and here's a pound piece. Dolly, can you do nine to five instead, please? Oh, come on, I'm just working on my new beggar man song. Well, that's with you people, don't you like my new material?

I'll tell you what, if you're a beggar tying people's shoelaces for a quid thing caught on, you'd very soon catch me in a moccasin. Oh, I know. I'm not getting caught for that again. Yeah, there'd be people who didn't want them. I'll tell it myself, there'd be beggars hanging off their ankles as they walk down the street trying to tie it. Anyway, it's all right to say beggars.

I think so. I think one begs. Daisy, can you find out? One begs. Hold on, I've got the absolute radio. Apparently, as long as we don't equate them with choosers, it's fine, it's absolutely fine.

So this man, German man with immaculate English. Except that he said available. He said that like three times. I think he said one of them was availability. Then he said available. I don't know, I don't know why it's funny, but it is always funny.

It's the funniest thing I've ever heard. But the brilliant thing was, the rest of his English, and he said many of the V's perfectly well, but he would not give in on availability. And I wondered... And did he use it frequently, I suspect?

I think he said it three times in a very brief conversation. Of course, we all said it for the rest of the trip, so we were having an availability of a time. But I wondered if he... You know the Islamic carpet maker who always puts in the deliberate fault so that it doesn't try to compete with the perfection of God. I wonder if he'd done that. Yeah, possibly.

As I mentioned before, Beckham's lip. Yes. So that he's not too beautiful. His slightly lazy lip. I'm thinking about what yours is, Frank. The Brits. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, yes, I was in a club. I think the nice thing about going away with other men, just men... On your follow the bear trip. You're saying a laddie story. Yeah, well, it was not that... Yeah, it's got a bit Hoffmeister. It's not that laddie. I was able to wear shoes in the house,

which I haven't done for the last three years. Oh. It felt like a real treat. Right, that is verboten. In our house, Kath thinks if I walk around the house, then I'll tread dog excrement in and Boz will rub it into his eyes. Well, this will still be the case when Boz is rub it into his eyes. Will this still be the case when Boz is sort of 21?

I should think so. But it's more likely then because he'll be coming home on his hands and knees most nights if he's anything like his father! So, yeah, it felt like a real bit of rebellion. I'll keep my shoes on. Really? I quite like the

crossing of the threshold and kicking them off. Oh. It's quite a nice release, isn't it? Oh, I love a shoes-off moment. I know what you mean. I took mine off during that last song, actually. It's better than bra-off moment. Me too, I agree.

Oh, that's why Kat's bra is sometimes on the radio. Yes. By the door. Do you do it, Daze? Don't put people on the spot. Something you'd never do, don't put people on the spot, says Frank Skinner. She doesn't want to talk about her bra on national radio.

I do. The only reason I take my shoes off by the door is that we don't have carpet in the hallway and I like to slide. I like to slide for the first seven or eight feet when I get home. And the feet are pretty sweaty at that point. You know, you can slither along like, like if you, imagine if you was pushing an upside down pudding across a table. Can I

just say, I like your shoes off policy, though, in your house. I enjoy it. Yeah, I quite look forward to it. I think, oh, I'll get my shoes off and I'll get nice and cosy. Yeah, I know what you mean. But I... It's just a bit of a treat. Sometimes, as well, if someone comes round as a bit intimidated... When the police came round, Kath did not ask them to take their shoes off.

Now, for me, one law... Yeah, yeah. One law for all. The thing is, they wear those high boots and you don't want them in the hallway. They didn't have high boots. This was not when I was in Cologne, this was when I'm on about back in- No, I mean the police. They were those- I'm on about the police. They don't wear high boots.

They do. They wear quite chunky boots. What kind of clubs do you go to? Ricky laughs They're not strippergrams, they're proper police people. Oh, I see. I'm sorry, I started correcting. You're four. They don't wear high boots. They do wear high boots. They don't. They're like chunky boots. Four. They don't wear high boots. They don't wear high boots. They don't. They're like chunky boots.

What do you think they wear? Mini cab drivers' slip-ons? I don't think so. Don't they look like black ducks, the police? Yeah. Ducks are, yeah. But they're not 15-hole high-leg Doc Martens. Okay.

Wow, it's all getting a bit specialist interest website here, isn't it? 15-hole Doc Martens. That's the thing we talk about at school. Oh, yeah, he's got these 15-hole ducks martins. That's the thing we talk about at school. Yeah, he's got these 15-hole docks. If you've never read Skinhead Escapes... That's one of Frank's favourite books. Is the reason that you kept your shoes on in the house in Cologne that you'd asked a beggar to tie them

and they'd tied them really, really tight? They'd done, like, a double or treble knot. You just kept them on the whole time. I thought I'd tried a pound to get these laced up. I'm damned if I'm going to unlace them. No, I actually had my slip-ons on. Hey, we've had a joke about that exact subject. Oh, have we?

Ian Angel, one of our regulars. Ian Angel. I think it's Angel. The shoelace, people, is just a case of the have and the have nots. I mean, it's very good. Nots for the case. I know, I got that. Good, good. Why were you looking to me for reassurance?

It was a pun. No, but it was a very fine one. It was, I'll give him that. I mean, Angle, he often takes a scattergun approach to the punning thing, but on this occasion, he's come good. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 195, Frank. My brother had 15-hole docks

and used to think he became well hard when he put them on. He used to threaten me, saying, I will put my boots on and give you a kicking. I was gone by the time the laces hit the fourth hole. It's quite a big job, putting on a pair of 15-hole docks. That reminds me of a joke that I used to do about myself, you know, being a karate black belt, and I could kill a man with my bare hands and feet,

and I got beaten up in the street the other day because it takes me five minutes to get my shoes and socks off. Excellent joke. It's like a proper joke. It is. Like the odd proper joke. Congratulations. Mazel tov.

I'll tell you what they've got in Cologne. A chocolate museum. Ooh. So, there's a thing called the Chocolate Express, which is a train. But you know those trains that tourists go on? Is it a chocolate train? Yeah, it runs on the road.

It was not made of chocolate. It runs on the road. But you can get it straight there. So we thought it might be a nice thing to do, so we said to the guide man who worked there... Was he like the beggar woman? Guide man. The guide man. So Tim Key, who was one of our group, said,

what's it like, the chocolate museum? The bloke said, it's too busy, really. That was the guide. Right. So we didn't go. Oh, really? Isn't that brilliant? That kind of honesty you don't get in the United Kingdom anymore.

I think you might. Do you? Maybe you would get it. It's like the negative viewpoint. Exactly of everything. Yeah. So you didn't go to the Chocolate Express? No.

Oh. Well, it's too busy. This sounds like a very strange euphemistic conversation. It doesn't sound that express if it's too busy. Well, it's not the train that's too busy. It's the actual museum. The museum. Well, the train, to be fair, the train looked quite,

there was a cluster. Oh, yeah. My theory about visiting a museum is that you should go straight to the gift shop. If you're going to a chocolate museum, the gift shop would be awesome, wouldn't it? It'd be like a big sweet shop. My theory about visiting any point of interest

is to go to the gift shop first, because I tell you, is there anything more frustrating than discovering the most interesting thing? You haven't seen it. The thing that's on all the postcards and on the erasers. And you never notice that. So you want to go into the gift shop, get a sense of what the greatest hits of that place is.

Oh, I choose my own hits, thank you. So when you're becoming endeared by these particular bits of it, then you know that you've got merch waiting. No, Frank. No. Because, for example, at Hampton Court, Anne Boleyn, it's all about Anne Boleyn, isn't it? She's the trendy one. I go arrogant, as you know.

But if I were to go into the gift shop... You go arrogant. Well, I go that as well. In this instance, I go arrogant. Is the gift shop sans arrogant? There must be some Aragon merch. There's a few bits and bobs. I just find that sometimes there's little tucked away bits in places, cathedrals,

and you see them on a postcard and think, I never saw that. And it gets a postcard. I can't live with myself. So, yeah, that's my little tip. We're all different. Can I say I love that little picture of you and your merry band of brothers on the trip? Oh, I just showed Emily a picture of us on holiday. We're on... Are you familiar with these padlock bridges?

Oh, yes. So people... Like the one in Paris? I haven't seen the one in... I've never seen one before. The cockerels look impossible. Let me explain. It's a love thing. There's like a sort of trellis fence

and people, if they get into a relationship, they choose an interesting symbol of the relationship, a padlock, with the name of the couple on and you lock it on as if to say, we're going to be together forever. Oh, right. No? Don't like it? Not happy?

I just... It sounds like littering to me. No, no, it looks amazing. Oh, does it? Yeah. I like the idea, though, of a padlock. It's like cutting the cake at the wedding. The symbol of wedlock is a male and female hand sharing the same knife handle. Beautiful.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um... What else did I do? Oh, I went to see... I went to a, um, puppet festival. This is in London. I'm back in London now. Back in London.

Doing his own shoelaces. Yeah. Finding his own way. Exactly. Barely. Taking his shoes off in the house. But I went, yeah, I went to a puppet festival. I like you trying to be cool.

Yeah, I went to a puppet festival. I love puppets, as you know. I know, you took me to a puppet show once in Edinburgh. Yeah, well it's long been my view, I've expressed on it before, that apart from live sport all of television would be improved if it was puppets instead of human beings. It would certainly have made some

of the election debates more fun. It would be fine though, wouldn't it? It wouldn't deter from it. Not at all. So I saw a proper old-fashioned Ponting Judy show. You know, as in... That. It's

one of the least politically correct things I've seen for a long time. I mean, it's very violent. Extremely violent. I mean, the bloke... Like a Ken Loach film. Yeah. He throws his baby just away, and then he hits his wife with a big stick, then he hits a policeman with a big stick.

It's very... It's quite grim and realistic. There's a crocodile in it. Right. But even that... Not indigenous to the UK, are they? Not indigenous. That's the Mighty Boosh surreal element.

Not indigenous, but in the days when I used to live in council accommodation and the like, there was always one bloke in the block who had exotic pets. You know what I mean? You know that bloke who had inappropriately exotic pets in a small flat? Yeah. So kind of, that worked for me, the crocodile. But it was... And there was a policeman in it.

There was a policeman? Yeah. Did you get a look at his boots? To me, it just looked like the human wrist, his boots. This is a bit peculiar. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And from a time as well when the most valuable working class possession was sausages. Yeah. That was what really mattered. Oh, you're not going to talk about when you used to eat raw sausages? No, I'm not going to talk about that. Why did you do that, Al? Everybody did. Oh.

They did. I think the rich did then. No, we didn't. I think raw sausage. You weren't alive when I was eating raw sausages. We weren't rich either, in fairness. Which is more than I can say for the things that lived in the sausages. Currently, small worms live in them.

Oh. Why do they live there? It's a rubbish place to live. Enjoy your fry-up this morning on Absolute Radio. But if you're a worm, you're going to think, why should we move into a sausage? I don't know if worms take on board the concept

of moving. Well, you want a dead starling, that's what you want. You've got the chest cavity of a dead starling. That's obviously the best place. It's virtually a thatch roof. Imagine the acoustics, the acoustics in a Starling's chest cavity

must be fantastic. Yeah, one worm to another, chats. Easy. You can do that thing like the Whispering Gallery in St Paul's. You got one into the ribcage. One worm at one end of the ribcage, another worm at the other end. How are you doing? You can hear me.

How can you possibly hear me? It's unbelievable. As much as I'm enjoying the Starlings ribcage material... I tell you what, it's a lovely pub, the Starlings ribcage. I don't know if you've ever been in there. Meanwhile, over at the Pyramid Stage at Pop It Fest... My chair has dropped about eight and a half inches. From this side of the desk, it looks like you're on your knees to do this show.

Well, it's only a matter of time. Did I tell you I'm going to do prayer for today in the show? Did I not warn you about that? I'm sorry. Anyway, I... It's one of the big sadnesses about radio. If I sit like this very long, I'm going to get quite a lot of sweat gathered at the back of my knees. It was a great moment when your chair dropped. I know, readers, that you couldn't see that,

but it was Frank's, I'm calling it his availability moment. Yes. I'm in sort of classic dancing pose at the moment. How do I get it back up? Yay! Thank you, Daisy. Oh, Daisy. Oh, baby.

You like that, huh? That's done nothing. Daisy's pulled a lever and nothing's happened at all. Oh, that's made it go lower. I'm sorry, this is not great radio. I'm looking up now, like a child looking up at the counter in a sweet shop, looking up at the microphone.

I'm surprised you can still hear me from there. And my voice has gone a little higher. Yeah. I remember when I was in Glasgow doing Snow White with Dana. Anyway, what shall we talk about now? We're going to go to advert so my chair can be mended. That's something you don't hear every day. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Neither of them have walked at this stage. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio webby.

I'm not going. Not until I see that you get through the whole show in that low chair status. No, no, if the chair height has been... There have been amendments made to the chair now. It's been restored. It's been a bit of fun. I'm back where I belong. You should have seen when he was on the floor, though. showing that low chair status. No, no, if the chair height has been... There have been amendments made to the chair now. It's been a bit of fun. I'm back where I belong.

You should have seen when he was on the floor, though. Daisy put me back where I belong. It was a bit of a Kim Jong-un moment. If that happened to Kim Jong-un, Daisy's head would currently be... Golden through golden square. ...in a pickle jar being driven around Soho. Speaking about where they belong, hey, Johnny Depp's

dogs have evaded death. Depp's dogs, not dead. Oh, Pistol and Boo. Is that what they're called, Pistol and Boo? They are called Pistol and Boo. They got threatened by the Australian, whatever he is, prime minister? I'm the British agriculture minister.

Oh, he's the agricultural minister. What's the agricultural minister got to do with dogs? I think he's to do with any wildlife going into that country, which they take seriously. They take it really seriously. Apparently what happened, in case you don't know... Sorry, Alan. He threatened them.

He said, you know, they're not meant to be in this country. They came in on Johnny Depp's private jet. Yes. And consequently, they didn't go through the normal quarantine. So there's two dogs in the country potentially carrying foreign diseases. Yeah. And I'll tell you exactly what Barnaby said. Barnaby, is that Mr Joyce? He said, if we start letting movie stars,

even though they've been the sexiest man alive twice, to come into our nation, then why don't we just break the laws for everybody? That's a good point. Well, is it a good point? I like his inadvertent PR, though, there. I don't like it. I'll tell you what I don't like.

If there's something that I find in people, now and again, is that absolutely desperate need to be unimpressed by celebrity and stardom. I can imagine you not liking that. I don't care even if you did win Rear of the Year once. Yeah, but exactly. Yeah, but it is. People who try that hard to be unimpressed

have got to be impressed, otherwise they wouldn't even be thinking about it. I can't like that. I just thought he was being dry. No, he's thinking, I'm an Australian so I have to be very dismissive about those which other people are impressed by. Like you, Jason the Asmetic. I don't care.

I think you could argue that Johnny Depp and his current partner Amber He Heard, are so attractive. Oh, I love that you know that. So, not just a fame thing, but so good looking that they are indeed above the law. You think? Really? I think you can get... If you're good looking, you're above the law.

I think if you're really good... I mean, I once saw David Gandhi doing over a post office. Oh, yeah? And all I could think was, look at those eyes. He didn't even wear a ski mask. I didn't find us that good looking. I didn't find the police. I thought, fair enough.

When I saw Mahatma Gandhi, I thought that. He's in a pod. I think he got off on other grounds. Good legs, though. Sturgeon liked the legs. Officially, he didn't break in. He was able to slither under the door gap. Which is not actually breaking in.

So I don't think they could have done the Matt, Matt. Matt, I always called him. Did you? Yeah. Old pals were, yeah. Matt Gandhi. Matt Gandhi's on the phone for you. Tell him I'll call him back.

I'm having my dinner. Matt, how you doing? Hungry? I'm not surprised. So, uh. He did six weeks to low NG. Yeah, I did, yeah. I mean, he, he, he forgot the five days on. That's what happened to, to Matt. Oh, dear. You can't call him Matt. I think, I bet his mates called him, I think they called him. No, they didn't. I think they called him Bar Poo, his friends.

They did, actually. Yeah. I know because I read my experiments with truth. You don't see much Bar Poo since they've stopped taking dogs into pubs. No, we don't in Australia now. No, definitely not. Anyway, Barnaby was not happy, was he? Also, as they came in on the private jet,

shouldn't the headline have been Depp Jetty Dog?'t the headline have been, Depp Jetty Dog? Depp Jetty Dog. Depp Jetty Dog? That's good! That's really good. Is it? Oh, well, it's better than the ones I saw. With the stuff like, who let the dogs in? Oh, yes, they love that one. Who let the dogs in?

I'm going to keep doing it. They didn't really cash in on the dog thing. No. The falls. I feel his pain, though. I once threatened to kill a dog. It's true. We were having a picnic.

Hello. It's true. We were having a picnic in Dulwich Park, and I picked up a piece of chicken, and a big dog ran from my blind spot behind me and ate my chicken, and this guy came over bit of a sort of a wimpy character that wasn't in control of his dog and he went oh sorry

and i said if your dog eats any more of my food i'm gonna kill it and everybody i was at the picnic with looked like you're a bit mad alan but i was frightened and it had eaten my chicken you shouldn't just eat a man's chicken what did the bloke say i don't think he did anything he just walked off i like that you said that you went a bit bit Liam Neeson and all that stuff. I will find you and I will kill you. I don't consider myself a hard guy, but this wasn't... I do.

This wasn't dullish. But you've already mentioned the black belt in karate. Exactly. And then you just said you were going to kill someone. No. I killed a... It's like doing a radio show with British prisoner Charles Bronson. Get the butter out.

Just like that. Oh, dear. Get the butter out. Just like that. Oh, dear. But it's an interesting story, that, the dog taking the chicken. Another anecdote that benefits from the if that had been Kim Jong-un. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, pistolistol and Boo. Oh, yes. Sorry. I don't know why... I don't know why people name dogs at all. What do you mean? Why do they do that? You mean they should just call it Dog, like Columbus Dog?

No, not call it anything. Why should they call it? You don't have to call it anything. They respond just to the tone of your voice. So if you go, But that's just as much effort. In fact, that's more effort. It'll come. Than not giving it a name. Yeah, but you can, you know, you'd do anything. If he's playing up,

Why bother with words? They don't understand words. But wouldn't they just come whenever you make that noise? Whenever you make any noise, then the dog would always be there. You don't want the dog arriving when you- No, this is the tone. That's the calling tone. Ricky snorts See, that sounds very similar to the tone that you might make when you take your shoes off and slide in the hallway. Ricky snorts your shoes off and slide in the hallway. Oh, no. That's... To me, it's very hard to beat Shep.

Because I love the old... Oh, I beat Shep on many occasions. I love the old school names. Is there anything worse in life than when somebody names their car? Oh, yes, when they put lashes on the lights at the front. Some ladies do that. I can live with that because... I can't.

But when people say, oh, I've parked Lucy in front of... I mean, even the third doctor, when he had Bessie, I used to wince a little bit. What's this? John Pertwee's doctor had named his car. Oh, in real life, the actor? No, no, in the show. In the show, OK.

But I named car. Mm. Ooh. Even Herbie. Oh, Herbie's all right. Just call him Her. He'll still call. Do you think that should also apply to children as well?

No, children understand words, eventually. OK, OK. Dogs, I've never known a dog live old enough to actually pick up the language. They always say, at. Okay, okay. Dogs, I've never known a dog live old enough to actually pick up the language. They always at least say available. I don't know. I think it was a bit much to threaten the actual dogs, though. To say, like, if you don't get the dogs out of Australia by Saturday, we're going to kill them.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. From the man who said, if that dog has my chicken again, I'll kill it. Yeah, but that was in the heat of the moment and it had eaten my dinner. It wasn't about paperwork, was it? Can I agree with you wholeheartedly? Because by Saturday, it's a bit high noon, isn't it? By sundown, I want those dogs out. Yeah, and really, you should have said, you know,

if you don't get your dogs out, Mr Depp and Miss Hurd. Miss Hurd? Miss Hurd? Johnny Depp said, sorry, what did you say? He said, Miss Heard. He said, what did you? What if they just kept that on before the bloke got it? That was part of his defence for not having the right paperwork.

Oh, that reminded me. I was going to a dinner at Warwickshire County Cricket Club and I got stuck on the motorway and I was late. And the chairman of the club's called Dennis Amis. He's a really lovely bloke and a brilliant, he was a brilliant batsman in his day. Played for England and stuff. And he's called Dennis Amis.

And he said to me, oh, God, what happened? And I said, I was stuck on the motorway. I said, I don't know, I said, what? But I said something was amiss. He he said what was it like an accident or something I said no I don't know what it was but I said there was definitely something uh a myth you didn't say it twice or more I said it more than that he said yeah but

what what did you not find out what it was I said I'm just saying there was there was something a miss and he said yeah yeah, but what? It's one of those when you didn't find out. Oh, and I stuck with it. And I didn't explain it, I just left it like that. Oh, dear. Well, if I stuck with it, as if you need to tell us that you stuck with it. Oh, it was very, very bad.

I'd have just handed the dogs in. Because they wouldn't have killed them. They couldn't have killed them. Hold their bluff. Yeah. Yeah. Just said, okay, we've handed the dogs in. Because they wouldn't have killed them. They couldn't have killed them. Called their bluff. Yeah. Just said, OK, we've brought the dogs in. Do what you want. They just couldn't have done it.

That's the way to play it. Am I right? I say, am I right? Unless, of course, Vanessa Paradis now working in Australian customs. In which case, she'd have put a spade through the pair of them. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. pair of them. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in that I would happily discuss. I have named my sat-nav Mavis. Is that okay? She sounds like Mavis off Corrie from Chris in Bingley. I suspect you two are against that. Well, it's a bit different that, because it's actually referring to a sort of

a person who did exist. Yeah. Who seems to be emanating from the inanimate object. I think my wife and I have called a sat-nav Devon in the past, because it had one of those sort of American accents, you know, like turn right at the next

junction. Oh, you sound quite nice when you do that so why did you call it devon because he sounded like an american guy that would be called devon you know there's certain american guys that are called devon no just went he's talking about it he's never been outside the uk oh that's that's true to mexico and cologne just this morning and stansted or maybe that was on his way to Cologne. Anyway, I'm fine with the sat-nav being called Mavis, and I approve, actually. And as it happens, as the unelected...

I don't think you can use that anymore. As the... Frank! Why? As the unelected motoring correspondent on this show, I also have to tell you that I did my speed awareness course. Did you?

Not just that. I did two courses in the same day. What was that for? Was that drunk driving? It was a lot of... No, they don't do... Yeah, but it is frank, isn't it? That's got to be something you're made to do by the police.

Come on. What, the speed awareness? What next should we be picking up? Is that because you started those high boot rumours? I'll tell you what, I got caught. You know, I used to do... You know, we talked a long time ago on this show about things we don't believe in,

and you said fainting, and I said average speed cameras. I thought they were made up, like TV licence detector bands. Oh, yes, I remember you saying that. Well, guess what? What was mine? Fidelity? I was wrong. Turns out average speed cameras both do exist. They actually exist? Oh.

Um, turns out average speed cameras both do exist and- They actually ex- oh. LAUGHTER Sorry. Frank's just done a pretend faint. Either that or his chair's really collapsed again. What he's done is a bit of a Terry and June sitcom faint. It's like when the daughter says, you're pregnant, what? And spits the tea out. Yes, exactly. He did a comedy fall.

It's quite a good faint. Was it a good faint? It was quite good, yeah. It was good. It was a good faint. Why did it look good faint? It was quite good, yeah. It was good. Why did it look good? Because every other one you've seen was false as well. But here's an embarrassing thing. I, uh, I was on the average speed camera, I was on the speed awareness course

because of a thing that was then used as an example of ignorance on the speed awareness course. Think driving? No, that's, that's a proper violation. They wouldn't just do a one-day course for that. I'm Brian Alan Partridge. That is a proper violation. They wouldn't do a one-day course for drink driving.

They take that pretty seriously. That's 12 years of ignorance. Certainly in towns and cities. Yeah, exactly. In the countryside. Here's the thing. I thought average speed cameras measured your average speed. So if you went really slowly, I thought it's fine to make it up

when you've gone through the slow bit. Yeah. I got done for 57 in a 50 in the middle of the night on the way home from a gig in Cardiff, and then the guy said, oh, we had one woman here that thought if you'd gone slowly through a period in the average speed cameras that you could make it up, and so she'd gone through...

Well, why call them average speed cameras if you can't do that? And this was a newsflash to me. They bought a job lot of not very good speed cameras. Average speed cameras are also speed cameras. If you go through it at 57 in a 50, you get done for breaking the 50. Newsflash to me. But why are they called average speed cameras? I agree, but I couldn't bring it up because I would have looked a fool in front of everyone. This is like Frost Nixon. I'm chugging it.

Yeah, but I can't get the truth out of him. But I feel, no, I'm telling you the truth. Maybe you can't handle the truth, Frank. I feel like I'm doing a civic duty now to broadcast to the listenership that average speed cameras are also speed cameras, everybody. So watch out. But why are they called average speed cameras? If they're for just one example of speeding during the course of

that part of the motorway. Why, it don't make no sense, Mr. Hobes. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. A different programme altogether. I wonder what happened to Helga from... Hello, hello. Google that.

I can't face it. If she's dead, I can't face it. I can't face it! I don't want to find out she's dead, Mitch. It's going to drag me right down. So, anyway, I did the speed awareness and the two gentlemen that presented it were very keen to... Presented it?

Yeah. I suppose it's like a day's... Are you there for it? How long are you there for? No, it was a half day. I think it was one till five. Is it like cycling proficiency? Yeah, but for people that have been caught by speed cameras

that they thought were average. I was trapped. So what's the sort of make-up of the um, of the clientele? Well, I think they're all- Soggish? No, I think they're all people that have been caught by- People in a rush? Speed- the speed cameras.

They're busy people. Yeah, people that have just either, you know, they've- they've driven too fast at some point in their lives when their speed cameras caught them. Mm. But they start the thing by saying- I've never driven too fast. No. They say, we're not the police, we're not the police. We are not the police. We've worked with the police, we're traffic investigators, we've done a lot of education, but we are

not the police. At the point you go, all right, we get it. Why do they, why do they feel the need to say that? They're very keen, very keen to distance themselves from the police. It's the boots thing you've put around. Yeah. People that- I think it might be that. Do they wear high-vis, these characters?

No, but they do wear- They wear high heels. They wear pretty much what you'd expect, you know. Well, I wouldn't expect anything. A white shirt and a tie, that kind of stuff. If I was the police, I wouldn't be that chuffed that they were so keen to distance themselves from us. No, I don't know if there were any police on the course

because we never got to say what we did. Well, no, because I think they've got the blue light thing back, you know, as a sort of... Yes, they can always say. But there was a period in it where he said, they said quite a lot of interesting stuff. I've spoken about this speed awareness course to a few people and they said, oh, they're really boring, aren't they?

And I said, well, I quite like it. You were fascinated. I found it really enjoyable. Well, it's interesting, life in the fast lane. Oh, lovely thing. Actually, it's lane one and then there's two overtaking lanes. No, that is correct, of course. Of course.

But he said at one point, he said, I will warn you, this section's going to be death by acronym. And I thought it was dessert, but I was wrong. Was he doing a bit of material? No, no, there was a lot of acronyms coming. Oh, we like an acronym on this show. We've been talking about them on the show, so obviously I had my pen straight out,

ready for the acronyms. Coast was the first one. What's that? Frank, you worked that out. Go on. COAST. Drive in terms. Go on, Frank.

Come off a side road. Oh, that's lovely, Frank. Tentatively. Tentatively. Oh, yeah. Tentatively. Is that right? Bang on.

There you go. No, it's not. It's not at all. I always come off a side road tentatively. Otherwise, you love to pull out in front of someone in lane one. Can I say that should be an acronym if it isn't one? It's concentration, observation,

anticipation, space, time. They're the things you want. What is the one? What is the unnecessary one? Because whenever they do it like that, there's a point where they've got, like, four and they think, oh, this is nearly coast. What else can we put in? And then they put in like that stroke advert they have.

One of them. One of them. I don't think I've seen that stroke advert. You've seen the stroke advert. Talk us through it. Yeah, and they've got a bonfire on their forehead. Bonfire on the forehead. And then it has the four stages of stroke.

Nothing funny about strokes. I'm just talking about the advert. No, no. But they have the four things. And one of them is, you think, well, that's the same as the other one. You've just put that in so it makes it work. Because it has to make it work. It's like in a boy band when they have the four things, and one of them is, you think, well, that's the same as the other one. You've just put that in, so it makes it work. Because it has to make it work. It's like in a boy band when they have the slightly ugly one.

It's not quite that. To make what? Well, exactly. To fill this place. Oh, OK. But there's no optimum number for a boy band. Let us consider Wham! Some people would have said TV.

Do you know what I love about you? You're so easy to get along with. Thank you very much. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 693, Frank. Is that Radio 5 Live? On the subject of average speed cameras.

OK. Thanks, Alan, for your advice on average speed cameras. Alan, spelt with an M. Interesting. My wife and I recently stopped at a service station in the middle of an average speed zone and were debating if this meant we could go faster on the next bit. Oh, yeah, cos you'd really bop your average up during that.

Well, that's what I thought. We decided we could, but fortunately the traffic kept us to the limit. I love that story. Our sat-nav is called Dora, from Dora the Explorer, by the way. I see how they've arrived there. No, it's good, I like it. Could have been Dora Bryan.

We've also had an email. What's this about naming sat-navs now? See, my difference, I never, ever have the voice on my sat-nav. I just look at the map. Do you? I don't have the voice on. Well, Nugget says, Dear Frank, would you include K9 when you say dogs should have no names,

or does he get some kind of robot exemption? Well, I never said robots shouldn't have names. He just happened to fall into the form of a dog, but in fact he was just a robot helper. I like how quickly you went, I never said robots shouldn't have names, as if it's an argument you've had before. Yeah, I know.

And you're going, I like that robots have names. You're going on question time. You know what your arguments are. Oh, trust me. He knows what his arguments are. Yeah, woman in the yellow, Tom. Yeah, should robots have names? Well, this is a political, um, discussion

programme. I can imagine Dimbleby getting a bit sniffy about it. Yes. Anyway, I'm glad that person mentioned the average speed cameras. Nugget, sorry, Al. Because, uh, I feel like it was a civic duty of mine. Um, and I've, I've given you COAST. Do you want another acronym that he told us? Oh, yeah. Frank, you're so good at solving these. He said,

look out for other cars. Look out for other cars, Frank. Out. Out is after. Out for cars. Go on. It might have been look out for parked cars. Well, you can't just change a letter.

Look out for parked cars. So, um, over, under and throughout. Very good. Over, under, through. You're right. What? You can't look through other people's cars. You can't. If it's on the horizon and you're looking through it, you could see a pedestrian that's behind it about to step out. Don't start finding fault with it. You've just won it.

What about that? I've hit the hack in one. And what about slow? When you see slow on the road- What does that mean? On the- written on the- on the ground. You know that I'm in front of you. Ricky laughs Steve laughs Um- Oh, is that an acronym, slow? I thought that was a word. This is an- yeah, it is, but he- he gave us an acronym for it. He said it was gonna be death by acronym. Ricky laughs Steve laughs

I'll be honest, I prefer death by chocolate, but we'll go with it. Is it same love, other wife? Ricky laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Yeah, and then he just sobbed a little bit. I don't know what he was up to. I don't know why he brought that up. It's an odd moment in the Speed Awareness course. Yeah. Same love, other wife. Was that what it was? I don't know why that's an op. A few people threw their keys into a bowl

at that point. I don't know what that's all about. That's an op message, though, isn't it? That was swap wife. Same love, other wife. Go on. I'll tell you what it was. Go on. It was Speed Low Observe Warning. Because that's why they're right on the road, because there's a warning.

Oh, you don't like that, Frank, do you? This was towards the end of the course, wasn't it? And it was starting to run out of acronym. The scribe in the bottom of the acronym barrel. They really are. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. frank skinner on absolute

radio um i did another course the same day i mean it's unbelievable how many courses are you doing you're trying to get out the house or something well what happened was i had the speed awareness course in and then i'd already had a conversation with my wife about how we should do a first aid course like a little it was bumps and bashes it was. This was in John's ambulance. And er, yeah well we- my wife and I said- Bad? Well we're um, bumps and bashes, bad.

Steve laughs Yeah. And then she came round, bad. It was Barbara Winsor's autobiography. And so my wife booked this woman to come and teach us and some other parents from the school a little bit of sort of basic rudimentary first aid. Really? I'm glad you explained this the right way.

What, were you playing Twister? And then I had to do a bombs and bashes call. I thought there would be some sort of domestic... No. It's your domestic violence punishment. No, not at all. Okay. So we did that, me and five mums,

and the woman came to our house with all the dolls that you do the resuscitation on and stuff. First aid call, by all means. Come to your house. Yeah, yeah. So we gave them biscuits and that, but. It's like the Avon lady thing. It sounds a bit Anne Somers to me.

But there was a very strange. I'm a cat, do you know, I swear, five dolls. There was a very strange spot the difference that I'm happy to say that I got right and nobody else did. Go on. She said, what's the difference between scalding and burning? Scalding is done with water and burning can be done with any hot substance. Burning you're on fire.

Burning is dry and scalding is liquid. I'm having a great run, eh? It's interesting that you said that. In fairness. Because I got it. It's a strange thing to do well at. Well, I took a sense of pride because these five mums that I was with, including my own wife, intelligent women, and none of them got it and the woman who ran the course said, men tend to get that right and older people,

men and older people know that. Sorry, I can't believe thanks, I'm having a great run. This is the best I've ever done at any- this is like a course, it's like being on a course, on which I'm doing really well. You know what? I'm half a mind to take a B-Tech leisure management. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 812... Well, alarming. 812... Hold on, I'm giving out the text number. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

What tweet is that at easy to get along with? Well, actually, somebody has emailed, and I think I'm being, I'm the victim of some sarcasm here. Oh? But if I may say so, some foolish sarcasm, an email has said, average speed cameras work out the speed by averaging the speed of a car between two points,

full stop, highly misleading, dot, dot, dot. No. They do do that. That's what I thought they did. That's what I thought they did. That's what I thought they did. But they also measure your speed as you drive past them. And if you're over the speed that is... Because it's a speed camera as well.

It's a speed camera as well. You made that perfectly clear. I really did. But sometimes you put it out there and you can't... Hey, this is our readers you're talking about. You can't legislate for how... This guy, he probably paid 50p to send that text in. Now leave it!

I think he did it by email. I think he sent his sarcasm by email. In that case, it can clear off. Look at you with your shirt off, with a beard, talking about driving. It's working. Oh, no, oh, no. I tell you... If that dog's got him so cheeky this time, he'll snap its neck like a carrot.

Can I tell you what wasn't working? Fidel. Now, I don't mean he's unemployed, but he was out and about this week and he was... Are we talking Castro? Of course, Castro. There must be other Fidels. Really?

Well, he was papped. He was in the Daily Mail, actually. Was he papped? In the column of shame. Well, he had a meeting with Francois Hollande. Fidel Winton. Yeah. It was who? Francois Hollande. Oh, yeah. Is he the Dutch Prime Minister? No, he's the French Prime Minister. Very good.

Oh, yeah, I got it. How do you pronounce it, Frank? I think Hollande. That's okay. Okay, I'll have that. But he had a bit of a style fail because... Francois or Fidel? Oh, not Francois. They don't have, the French don't have Star of Hell. Of course they don't have Star of Hell. I thought his suit was a little big, but that's... Pray continue. Really? Mm-hm. Uh, anyway, he went, uh, the... He went for a tracksuit. He went Elton.

You know how Elton wears the tracksuit? Oh, do I? Do I ever? As formal wear. I think actually it was slightly worse than Elton, because at least Elton would have the good grace to wear it over a roundneck T-shirt. Whereas what did Fidel go for, Al? He goes for the checked shirt. He went Microsoft Inventor.

Not only checked shirt, but bottom-down collar. He won't, they think, it's all over. And, Frank, untucked. A bit Hoxton untucked. I know, it's great. So we pitched this, a black Adidas tracksuit, with a checked shirt with a button-down collar underneath. Yeah.

Yeah. And no military cap. None. No. No cigar. No epaulette. Not a hint of an arcy. Not his tracksuit, but no cigar.

Where was the car key? Do you know what he looked like? I think it was in the middle of the table. But the other ones... I mean, I know he's of an age, but he looks like a man that slept in and picked up whatever was cleanest off the floor. Do you know what I'm calling that outfit out?

I'm calling that row with the wife. I'm calling it row with the wife. I think he's arrived that morning. It's very tempting when you get a freebie to put it straight on. Oh, tempting. Oh, my Gotham hooded top. Straight in. Yeah. I love that you think the same, you and Fidel. Also, I noticed you went for the Mick Jagger

Man of a Certain Age black platform trainer. It did, yeah. Are you familiar with those? He did. He went for the I suffer with my feet a bit prescription black trainer. Well, I still got it. He's getting on, though. He's getting on there. He's getting on there, Castro. He is. And as a young man, he rocked the style, didn't he?

I loved his epaulettes. Well, I mean, the great thing about his old style, took all the decision-making out of getting dressed in them. I wasn't sure. It's a bit Camden Town vintage shop, his look. I see, I like that. I'm fine with it. What do you think about this?

I mean, I know, obviously, Elton's a fan. Daley Thompson, as you may recall... I'm a tracksuit. All of us may recall... Yeah, but Daley Thompson earned the right to wear a tracksuit at any time. For Seb Coe's wedding. Even for Seb Coe's wedding.

I can't wear it around the font. Did he wear a tracksuit to Seb Coe? Yes, it's on my cutout of Hello Magazine. It's one of my favourite pictures ever taken of a human being. In a tracksuit at a wedding. Brilliant. What colour was it? Grey. Oh, well.

Smart. Yeah. Smart and dull. I'm calling it formal tracksuit. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've got resolution on that sarcastic email I thought I'd been sent I've just received an email saying not sarcasm

I wasn't trying to be sarcastic Sorry, it is misleading Also my car is called Mabel So I can apologise personally when I drive terribly After passing my test a few months ago Also I'm female, no sarcasm So we called her he. But that's fair enough.

I'm not sure I'd agree with also I'm female, hence no sarcasm. No, I don't think it was hence. I think it was because we'd said he. My Audi beat Edge's Lada. My Audi beat Edge's Lada. Mabel. Mabel? Yes, that's what it's called now.

Excellent. There was an off's called there. Excellent. There was an off-roader in Dublin. Well, as a person who's passed their test a few months ago, can I recommend COAST, which is concentration, observation, anticipation... So you can't even remember it. Space and time. Space and time is probably the two most important. When I hear the word COAST, though, I think of that Scottish bloke with the long black hair.

Yes, walking around the coast. Who loves having his hair blown about, standing on the edge of cliffs, saying, This country brings to me feeling... Oh, all right. That is an occupational hazard. I bet the wig blows off and it's Professor Brian Cox. We've also had an email,

actually a text, I think I should read to you, Frank. Just catching up on podcasts and heard Frank liken Louis van Gaal to Eagle Piggle and nearly swerved off the road. I thought I was the only person to notice this. I've sent this observation in split screen

form to several friends within the football world, including some of his own players, only to have them barely muster a faint smile. So glad to know my humour is clearly on a more high-brow level with the professional comedians. There you go. But, you know, the trouble is, if he's caught doing that, he'll have to go on an Iggy Piggle, Louis Garle course.

I thought you were going to say the North East then. Well, anyway. You know, while I was in Cuba. Yeah, the Adidas. Was this just in Birmingham? When I was at school, we used to call Adidas Adidas. Yeah, well, you know its name. Yes, I believe the rappers called it that as well.

It was My Adidas. Oh, well, there you go. Can I just say that, you know, the name of the company comes from Adi Dazzler, the German man that came up with it. Oh, yes, because I know about his brother as well. His brother, Rudolf Dazzler. I thought it was Bobby. It was Rudolf Dazzler who came up with Puma, so they were rivals.

Can you believe that? The two brothers, one's got Adidas and one's got Puma. Yeah. Oh, it's like the brothers Karamazov, except it's not. You're the brother. You own Puma and you haven't got the best sportswear company

in your family. That is an absolute signal. That's what Peter Davidson must have felt when his daughter came in and said, I'm getting married, who to? David Tennant Oh I'm not even going to be the best doctor

Who gets the Christmas dinner Well that's debatable He was a very fine Doctor Who Davidson I wasn't having a go Reebok and Raybok, we had that problem What do you say? I say Reebok We definitely said Raybok.

Really? Are you sure that wasn't a Birmingham friend? That sounds like a Birmingham thing. No, well, it is R-A-E. R-A-E. That's how it's spelled. R-E-E. I think we thought that second thing was an A.

Did you? Why did you think that? And also, I still- Can I be honest? The trainers you bought, the second thing was an A, because they were on the market. Oh, maybe they were called Raybok. They might have been seconds. But if you're going to do a- Have some The trainers you bought, the second thing, wasn't they? Because they were on the market. Maybe they were called Raybock. They might have been seconds. But if you're going to do a Raybock-

Have some of these Raybock trainers, mate. If you're going to do a phony trainer, you're not going to do Raybock. Oh, Calvin Classics. It's like I looked on eBay, and there's a signature, my signature, and it's not my signature.

And it's like about four quid. I thought, if you're going to fiddle someone's signature, don't do mine. You're looking at your own signature. Do Hitler's. You had a quiet week. Frank, that's something of a sore point, because we had someone tweeting us this morning,

this very morning. This is from Inspector Spot. It turns out I bought one of the copies that Frank could not be bothered to fully sign. It says, F Skinner, and he said, hashtag Frank Scrimper. Oh! It was like when I got F Bruno, the autograph from F Bruno. No, well, anyway, I...

I... Apologise? I'm buying my own autographs now on eBay because I got caught shoplifting in Beirut this week. It's my only option. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'm still, and I'm going to be completely honest now, I couldn't put my hand on my heart and say I know whether it's Nike or Nike. I think Nike is the goddess that it's named after. Yes, I think you're Nike, yeah. I think we all say Nike now, so it's...

So you don't know either? I think... That's what that sounds like to me. Well, I think it's allowable. I think Nike... I would say Nike, probably. So already I've asked two people. One says Nike, one says Nike. I wonder which one you're going to trust.

Let's call the whole thing cloth. Do you remember when the FA marketed the England tracksuit tops as anthem jackets? Oh, yes. I love that. That was during the Green Flag period. Oh, fabulous. As if it's a jacket that you put on in order to sing the national anthem and then take it off.

I don't think they do that anymore, do they? I think they realised it was. No. In West Bromwich Albion in the early 60s, the manager, who was a rigorous authoritarian called Jimmy Hagen, banned them from wearing tracksuit bottoms in training because he says as professional athletes they should be able to cope with the cold.

And this was, I think, 63. I think it was the coldest winter on record. And he wouldn't let them wear tracksuit bottoms. So they went on strike. Excellent. That's the most 1960s story ever. I know, I remember them. There's a strike.

I remember them on local news saying, you know, it's not that we don't work hard in trading, but, you know, it's when we first start, it's very cold indeed. So anyway, they settled it, and then not long after, Jimmy Hagen was driving into the, this is the manager, driving into the training ground at Spring Road, and it was right by the side of the canal, a very, very long, steep bank into the canal,

and he lost control of his car in the icy conditions, and he plummeted down into the canal and was kind of trapped in his car. So the players, there must have been a moment when they thought, what do you think? But anyway, they went down. They went racing down. And the goalkeeper dragged him out the car and carried him up the bank.

Wow. Really? And when he got to the bank, he was really out of breath, the goalkeeper. So Jimmy Hagen fined him for not being fitted. He sounds like an authoritarian. He was. I really like him. I sounds like an authoritarian. He was. I really like him. I'm the goalkeeper.

He saved his life. I accidentally bought a pair of... I had no idea. I bought a pair of snowboarding trousers. Oh, my goodness. I know. I know they just look like a pair of baggy grey trousers. I worry that your standards are slipping.

Hang on, Al. I need to know. I need to get forensic on these trousers. Did they have elasticated waist? They had some elastication, but also some, like, fast... They were grey. They weren't like that shiny, you know, skein material. They were like grey cloth.

Lots of zips, a lot of outer zips. Useful. And like a fastening thing at the ankle. Were they, oh, they were fastened at the ankle? Well, they had like a tight, you could tighten them, you know. Oh, they bonded shells. Well, if I go ratting, I'll be glad, I'll be glad of that. But I had ages I had, before somebody said to me,

do you snowboard? I said, obviously. Why would you say that? And they said, well, those are snowboarding trousers. Would you, can I ask, re-track suits? Would both of you wear the full on, or would you go for just the top half with the track suit top? I couldn't.

I mean, I would wear it if I was doing sport and under no other circumstances. Really? When I see people knocking around the streets and, like, jogging things who don't jog. Would you not wear that? I just don't think that's... I'm actually in the market for a full-on tracksuit. I'd like top and bottoms. I've not got any of that. I've got separates.

Yeah, but would you wear them socially, is what we're saying? Um... No, you wouldn't. I'd wear the top. Well, Daisy's wearing a fencing top. Yes, which, to my day, she has accused me of getting make-up on this morning. The row got quite bad when you went out of the room just now.

Oh, did it? She said, I'm sure it was you that got the make-up on the top. I'm sure you can parry that accusation. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Guess where we haven't been this morning? What? Cologne.

Well, no, I haven't been there this morning. Do you mean the corner? Yeah. Okay, let's see. Here we go. We don't go there as often as we used to. Maybe we should rethink that. Yeah, definitely. I like an email corner, sojourn. We've had an email.

I'm going to begin with an email from Maddy. OK. Who says, Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, I wanted to get your opinion on a news story you may have seen. It's regarding a woman who was given a free meal for two by a car dealership after her car a convertible, does this make her a terrible

person? No, women are allowed, just not men, was hit at the dealership's forecourt. Do you think she took advantage of the offer? I think Frank and Lecoq's sportive will definitely think she is in the right love the show it's oh sorry praise so do you know about this story frank she parked her car at uh an audi dealership to be specific and then uh someone drove into it is that right yeah so they said go and have a meal on us. Nice. I think they were thinking Nando's. Probably.

She went to a very expensive French restaurant and ran up a £714 bill. Four glasses of champagne for £72. Why not just buy the bottle? Good point. Two bottles of wine at £69 each. Does it hit someone else's pain? Good point. Six cocktails totaling £86.

And a slow gin at £10. A lot of liquids. Well, they didn't place an upper limit on this meal for two. That was her defence, I think. Well, they accused her of greed. I can see why they might accuse her of greed. She said, I had a great time. I can also believe that.

And the great thing is if I was having that great time there'd be part of me thinking we're pushing this a bit. But this is because I don't drink. I imagine three cocktails and you're thinking who cares about them? Hey, who cares?

Howdy. I admire it, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do this, because all the way through that meal, I'd have been thinking, what if they say no? What if they say no to paying this? Oh, I'd never worry about that. Really? Yeah.

I'd be spend, spend, spend, Frank. Didn't she have something written that said that they'd pay a meal for two? Well, here is the problem. They didn't put an upper limit. If you're not going to put a limit, then you can't complain. Well, they trusted her. They trusted her to be decent about it.

Well, they don't trust us. I'm surprised they didn't just pay... Because they've made a big fuss. It's in the papers. And now everyone knows it's not very safe to park your car at Audi Watford. True. So, you know, they've shot themselves in the foot.

I have to say I once went on the free sunglasses thing though do you remember that you and Jeff Brazier do you remember someone wrote to me and said do you want some free sunglasses and I went in it was a low point in your life I know but you know it was a sunny

day I went in and I met Jeff Brazier on the way out how many did he have? Nine. Is that true? Nine pairs. Do you know this story? And I thought, what an opportunist. I thought, but I wouldn't have to say. I thought you meant nine eyes.

No, nine pairs. How many did you take? I thought, you know, I don't want to be, I don't want him leaving me in the shade. Very good. So I thought, I don't want to have less than Jeff Brazier. That wouldn't seem right. No. You know, three sunglasses is essentially a meritocracy. So I got 17 pairs.

You never. I did. He did. He honestly did. Still wearing them now. 17 pairs of sunglasses. I love still wearing them now, yes. Plus two for my personal assistant.

Hang on, that's 19 pairs. That's amazing. I know, that was, I was. That's why he wears all those 1970s Peter's and Lee shades, because he hasn't updated them. No, no, but... Wowee. I don't think shades ever got any better than, um, three.

So I was sticking with them. Oh, yeah, so I suppose I went a bit, um, eight cocktails. Yeah. But they were really pleased, because they saw that me wearing them would be a great advert for those shades. Since then, shells have gone through the roof, yeah? Yeah, they have, yeah.

Massively. Apparently, they're very popular amongst the snowboarding community. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have another email here that I'd like to bring to your attention. Are we still in the corner? Is that where we were? Oh, we're still in the corner.

Yeah. Well, let me dazzle you with this one from Liz. On the subject of mnemonics, how did we get on to the subject of mnemonics? We've been on mnemonics, haven't we? Yeah. Because I couldn't remember the wives of Henry VIII. And then you remembered it. And what was it?

I can't even remember now, Frank. It's terrible. It was Good Boy... Yeah, it was that. On the subject of mnemonics... All boys. Yes. Every good boy deserves favour.

No. That's a mnemonic, though. Yes, I know. What's that for? That's for the music notes on each line. And then for the ones in between his face. For the gaps. Oh, okay.

Check your notation. I shall do. Anyway. My science teacher from 30 years ago used to make us remember the planets in order from the sun. Thus, many volcanoes erupt mouldy jam sandwiches, usually not plum. It has stayed with me all this time despite making no sense whatsoever. Perhaps this generation of school kids can use it too. Pass that on.

Many jam... Many volcanoes erupt... The trouble is with that, they're supposed to be easily memorable to make something that's hard to remember easier. But it'd be easier to memorise the planets. All boys must come home, please. Yes, that's the Six Wives of Henry. No, no, no, that's a 1984-style announcement I'm giving.

My War of the Worlds. The problem with the planets is Mars and Mercury. Right. Oh, yeah. You don't want... In a mnemonic, you don't really want two things with the same initial. That was bad naming on the part to the early astronomers. That's true.

I agree. I agree. But, you know... So which is which, though? Many volcanoes erupt mouldy jam sandwiches. Which is Mars and which is Mercury? Because it doesn't give us a clue. That's it, you see.

It doesn't tell us. I don't know the answer to that. Lots of people listening will know. Well, M-A should be Mars, really. The truth is, the planets... Oh, yeah, that sounds right. M-A might be Mars. It could be, but the planets, they're pretty much the same, anyway.

There's not much between them, appearance-wise. Saturn, obviously. But if you was to go to a... What's your favourite planet, Frank? No, but let's put this. Maybe if a planet was involved in a crime and you went to an identity parade, other than Saturn, you wouldn't have a clue.

You wouldn't have a clue from looking. You'd recognise Earth, obviously, but that... I mean, you think red planet, but would you be sure there's only one? Yeah. Good point. Yeah, it'd be... I'm surprised they don't take part in more you be sure there's only one? Yeah. Good point. I'm surprised they don't take part in more petty crime.

They're interchangeable, really. David Gandy gets away with it. I'll tell you what I've picked up just lately. FOMO. Pardon? FOMO. Oh, Fear of Missing Out? Yeah. Now, that's a really good one, I think.

FOMO's good. Because you see a lot of stuff on the internet, you know, words and text language, and I think, well, it doesn't really good one, I think. FOMO is good. Because you see a lot of stuff on the internet, you know, words and text language, and I think, well, it doesn't really add anything. But fear of missing out is quite a good thing to be able to... Yes. I wish I'd have had that when I was a teenager. FOMO?

Yeah, because fear of missing out's a big thing when you're a teenager. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, with girls. And YOLO. I'd say I was a FOMO-sexual. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Oh, we've had enough texts in about the planets and their distance. People using their Ed Memoirs. Yes. One of them that isn't that, that I thought might be,

was we've had a text from 516 that just says salopettes. Oh, yeah. I think that's in reference to your skiing trousers. Yeah. But at first I was looking at it going S-A-L-L. Oh, yeah. And I think that's in reference to your skiing trousers. Oh, okay. But at first I was looking at it going S-A-L-L. Yeah, exactly. It's just about your skiing trousers. Thanks for the word there. And also

we've got the planets thing is my very easy method just speeds up naming planets. The other one is ridiculous. I remember this from school also. Yes. That's from 703. Can I just say you're is ridiculous. I remember this from school also. Yes. That's from 703. Can I just say you're still different?

I remember this from school also. No, I don't think that's it. No, that's not one, Frank. You can't think everything in your life is a mnemonic. I can't even talk to you now. No, what does that mean? That doesn't mean anything. He's just saying that. You remember it. No, they're saying they remember their one from school.

He's just talking normally. If I say let's go to brunch now, that's not a mnemonic. It's not everything is not a mnemonic. No, but why are they saying also if it's their work? Let's go to brunch. Just let him use a rhyme. Clough is the only person I knew who ended a sentence also. He is an excellent midfielder player also. He used to end off also would be one of his kind things.

I suggest that Linda Mockett is infinitely preferable because she distinguishes between the M.A. of Mars and the M.E. of Mercury. That's what I need. Men very easily make jugs serve useful needs and purposes. It doesn't make sense. Men very easily make jugs serve useful needs and purposes. I mean, it doesn't make sense, but it's more helpful.

So men, it's Mercury goes first, then. I would imagine so. You know what's surprising to me is how many people thought that it was necessary to know the order of the planets from, I mean, like, what, where are their bus passes taking them, these people? How, how is this actually helpful in life? When you say that, what about Sarah Brightman? Oh, she's stepped down now. Yeah, she's not going, Brightman. No.

All that talk about going into space. She's been left with egg on her face. I don't know if she has! She looks like she might have egg on her face actually. Ricky laughs Just a clear albumen, but yeah, there's something. It's a big decision to make, Frank, going into space, isn't it? Yes, it's a big decision she made about six months ago. And now she said they use the old family reasons.

Oh, was it? Did she go to EastEnders? I said to my family, actually, I'm too frightened to go. The good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. time next week. Now get out.