The Frank Skinner Show - Reverse Derby

Episode Date: January 11, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and had issues disposing of his Christmas tree. The team also discuss Megxit and have questions about reversing.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We love it when you contact us. We do. So, morning Jim. Morning. it when you contact us. We do. So, morning, Jim. Morning. Morning, Peter.

Morning, everyone. Can we just kick off with a couple of reader interventions? Sure. 499, long-time reader, second-time texter. A bit of a whatever happened to, cars reversing. I had a car reversing up the street the other day and realised it had been ages since I'd heard that. Don't people reverse anymore?

Yeah. This is Kay having a lion in Wiltshire. I said, well, I mean, they do basic reversing into parking spaces and stuff, so I've heard. Reversing into parking spaces and stuff, so I've heard. I had to reverse like 25, 30 yards the other day, and I've never liked it. You're not for reverse?

It's a mysterious art, reversing. I did half a street the other day. The only time I'm any good was when I was having my driving lessons. There was a watermark on the back of the screen, and the instructor said, if you keep that watermark on the line of the kerb, it'll take you perfectly back. But I've never, that was a Triumph Toledo,

which I've never managed to get. That's not what you're driving these days. No, and there's no watermark. So a little tip there for the car manufacturers. I know what 499 means, though. There is that noise. and there's no watermark. So a little tip there for the car manufacturers. I know what 499 means, though. There is that noise. I do associate that with the 70s. As they go up the road.

Yeah, it does feel like there was a bygone era where reversing was longer distance. Yes. But now it's only 10 feet. I went to a car auction to buy my first car longer distance. Yes. But now it's only 10 feet. Rubbish. I went to a car auction to buy my first car and they have a little ring in the middle

where you all gather round, you know, like a tiny version of the Colosseum in Rome. Oh, right. I honestly thought you were going to say Holmes Under the Hammer there.

Different reference. No, I don't know if I've ever seen Holmes Under the Hammer. I'm hoping it's an action pic in which Sherlock Holmes fights the mighty Thor. Yeah, you nailed it. Anyway... I'm really fascinated.

I want to know more about the ring. Yes, so it's like, you know, it's a circular bit where you can stand and lean and have a close... The cars are driven into it and then you have a look like that. Like the price is right. Yeah. But this car, when I went, was reversed into the ring. And this bloke says, it's a nice little car.

At the moment, it'll only reverse. He said, but, you know, anyone who knows anything about cars will say, I don't know, how did they get it here did someone like reverse four or five miles i think that was a bit of a yeah i think that used to i knew of someone else who had a similar thing it was a car on ireland and he said all it only said it's my granddad's car and it was in sort of the middle of nowhere and he said only reverses yeah i'd like i think we should organize a reverse derby in which the cars have to race but only in reverse i'd like that i think if i drove um let's say a lamborghini uh would it reverse faster than a run-of-the-mill

car or when it comes to revers, is it a great leveller? Alan, over to you. That's a really good question, and you're giving me eye contact. I'm just thinking you're going to tell me the answer. You're giving me eye contact as if I'm a genuine murdering correspondent rather than just a joke. I think, I have it in my mind that reverse gear might be the closest this country's ever come to true socialism.

There, every car is equal once it goes into reverse. If you know that that's true or wrong, please let us know on 812 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, as far as it goes, I think we've lit up the switchboard yet again. So shout out to the original texter, OT. Oh, I love the OT. I love her on Strictly. And yeah, people have opinions on cars reversing.

Okay. 720, good info here. It all depends on the reverse gear ratio, dot dot well the are the rgr yeah and how willing you are to blow up the gearbox by flooring it in reverse well so i guess if you've got a lamborghini i'm on about a series of cars of different from different ranges all really going for it yeah at the top end of their reverse potential. Like with the Mini and the Lamborghini I like the idea of reverse potential

there's something brilliant about that I still like the idea of the I still like the idea of the auction ring Al, that Frank was involved Do you know I went to Hereford pig auction once and similar thing.

What, one came in backwards? No, but similar, the ring set up, which I enjoyed. They brought the pigs in on a sort of lead, oddly. Well, they love that ring. Yeah. They're on some sort of, I mean, they weren't just being ushered in. They seemed to be attached to something. It was a long time ago I went to the Hereford Pig Auction.

Did you get one or were you just window shopping? Just browsing. You know like that half hour window on a Sunday morning, 11.30 to 12, browsing time. You've got to be a frown. Yeah, I think he does other stuff on Sunday mornings. Yeah, I've never even thought of going to a pig auction. I was taken there. Okay. Can you buy individual ones? Like in the old days when newsagents used to sell school children cigarettes individually. Could I go and buy one pig? Or do you have to buy them by the year? Oh, John has an Osport 2, as you may recall.

What's the collective noun? They might come in a brace, though, like pheasant. What's the collective noun for pigs? 8, 12, 15. No, we can work this out, and that'll be entertaining radio. No, exactly, let's not work it out. I'd like to go and buy one pig, and then, I don't know, just leave it on white ground and see what happens.

Keep an eye on Twitter. Oh, dear. Yeah. I wonder if the insurance would consider the pig yours. You know, if you've got a dog and it causes a traffic accident, then legally that dog is yours. Well, I wish you'd told me before I'd invested in Ray. This, of course, is unlike cats who are not ours, I think.

No. If there's any lawyers that listen, any cat lawyers. SuperVet there's any lawyers... Well, Supervet says... Can you clarify this? Can you cat lawyers? Supervet says they're not ours anyway, ours, because he says you should never say you own a pet. He said you can't own a creature's soul. No.

Bit of a philosopher, and I love that about Supervet. Yeah. He doesn't sound very science-y. I think he doesn't sound very theological either, because they don't have souls. Well, he was... You heard it here first, guys. Well, some would disagree with you.

Some would disagree with me on many things, I know that. And that's great. Yes. That's why I love being on radio where all the different people listen. Any more news on reverse gears? Yes, John. Various.

We've had tons already. But have you got an answer? What would, could a sort of Austin A40 be to Lamborghini? Because they've all been levelled out by being in reverse. That's kind of where I'm reaching. Okay, listen to this. We have Daydreamer who says, reverse is limited to the same speed as first gear.

Socialism, I tell you. But that's that car's first gear. Do you see? Oh, not all cars. But the engine may blow once max RPM is reached. Well, I think that's fair enough. And then John says big lorries have a number of reverse gears in order to get better torque out of their engines.

What, including McManamy? Perhaps. Oh, very good. Perhaps Lambos could learn a few things from truckers. Yeah. Well, I've actually got a T-shirt with that on. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a bit wordy. I know. It was a gift. I didn't get it myself. One of your wordier t-shirts. I think it was some reference to the football coach, Paul Lambert, as well. I can't remember what the incident was.

It was a topical t-shirt. Yeah. I suppose we've all got topical t-shirts in our wardrobe that you pick up a couple of years later and think, I can't even remember what this referred to. Sometimes, yeah, I have a few of those. If found, please return to pub. That sort of thing.

Obviously you have that, Al. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I've got a caftan, the design of which is based on that woman putting the cat in the wheelie bin. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. on that woman putting the cat in the wheelie bin. We've had a lot of car reversing and gearbox ratios conversation. Can you melt them down into a synthesis?

I think what I'll do is... With quite a lot of jokes in. Yeah, I'll sprinkle the most interesting slash funny and I'll sort of filter out a lot of the more wordy. Okay. 217 has said,

re your car reversing chat. The DAF car, D-A-F, all the caps, could go as fast backwards as it could forwards due to its uniquely weird gearbox.

That is something, isn't it? You can watch them reverse racing in Holland on YouTube. Oh, they do reverse race. Yeah, and he adds, funniest thing you'll see all day, which I think is a little dismissive when we do work in the funny industry, I think. We have higher expectations of us, Bobster. Wow.

Yeah. And now I've bought a pig. How grand we get. Exactly. My life is just one big laugh. Now the pig's part of my world. And then we have a lot of gearbox ratio info. Can I ask you?

Can't believe my luck. If all the different cars raced in reverse, is it the great leveler that I dream of it being, if they were all in reverse i well sorry al but the impression has that emerged the impression i'm getting is that it will go as high as your first gear and presumably your first that will is that right how that will vary according to the car are you satisfied minister what I find is you never forget your first gear. Okay. Yeah, it's a special thing.

Can I enlighten this to... I mean, I'm happy to come back to this. I still don't feel I've got... quite got my answer. Okay. But I was on the Zoe Ball show yesterday. You're across all the platforms. I am. I like to do.

So we were joined in the studio by the cast of Tina the Musical. The Tina Turner musical. Oh! So literally you're sitting where I'm sitting now over my shoulder as if I was driving a drunken Tina Turner

in my cab. Not that this woman Aisha was drunk but she was singing Red Office with someone Turner in my cab. Not that this woman, Aisha, was drunk, but she was singing Red Office, which someone did in a cab, you'd think. So she's literally over my shoulder going, you're simply the best, and all that. And it's absolutely amazing. I dreamt, this was my dream,

that they'd do Not Bosh City Limits, and I would be allowed to do the synthesiser solo orally. Do you know it? Yes. There's a bit of if only. Apologies for anyone who was just waking up and that was the first sound

they heard on Saturday morning. They'll probably think it's some sort of reversing derby going on in their row. But if only they would have allowed that, but I suppose they're professionals. So you're doing, you did the rounds, Frank, because he's got, we should say Frank's show, which I am going to see,

is starting at the Garrick Theatre on Monday evening. Is it Monday? Oh, yes. Are we still allowed Is it Monday? Oh, yes. Are we still allowed to get tickets? Oh, definitely. Well, I was told you'd been invited. I was told by my PR people

the radio team had been invited and then it turns out they hadn't. That's what I'm working with at the moment. Has it been resolved? I mean, are we invited? I think we're resolving it now. I don't know. I don't know.

What if you don't know and it's your show... Oh, I tell you the most exciting thing that happened to me on the Joey Ball show. Can I just say Matt Ford was invited and I love Matt. I got a call from Ford. I mean, it was quite awkward, Frank.

He said, oh, how are you doing? I said, just call him to see I'll see you on Wednesday. I said, Wednesday? He said, yeah, Frank's night. I said, Frank's night? He said, yeah, it are you doing? I said, just call in to see, I'll see you on Wednesday. I said, Wednesday? He said, yeah, thanks, mate. I said, thanks, mate? He said, yeah, it's the big press night. Look, I've been let down. But can I tell you, ask a question. If Matt Ford and Nick Ferrari raced backwards...

Oh, that's a good question. Come on. Come on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you know that all gears in a gearbox have ratios that ultimately determine the speed of the vehicle at a given engine RPM? Reverse gear is usually similar to first. So take, for example, a Lamborghini Murcielago.

I've probably spoken that wrong. Spoken that wrong? I've spoken that wrong as well. I misspoken. That hits almost 60 in first gear. You what? It could be capable of the same speed in reverse too. This is not a rule,

but the two gears are usually quite close as far as ratios. Now, hold on. They think it hits 60 in first gear. What they've got is an automatic. Yeah, maybe. And they've assumed that they're still in first gear all the time. Well, you say that, but this person signs off the email with Diego from London Classic Ferrari Tech.

Whoa. So I'm going to continue with Diego's... I bet you he's got a red baseball cap on as he writes. I hope so. The particular noise reverse makes is due to the gearbox gears turning in the opposite direction of what they're designed to another quirk

reverse like first is usually not synchronised with other gears and can therefore only be selected while stationary Diego from London classic Ferrari tech

well done Diego good info I thought worth bringing to your attention I'd like to teach the world to sing no I'd like to... Teach the world to sing? No. I'd like to... I've never had an experience in a car with a racing driver.

Bucket list. Yeah, it's very much... Have you ever been driven by a racing driver? Bucket seats. Have you been given a lift or gone in a car with a racing driver? If I was going to go racing drivers, I think I'd go Hill, if I'm honest. I'd go Mansell. Oh, yeah.

Bromley. Hamilton seems nice, but I just think he'd have less to say. We couldn't talk for ten minutes without me bringing up the offshores. It'd be awkward, wouldn't it? That's why, yeah. I'd say, what's the tax like on one of the... Oh. Oh, was he...

Did he get into Al? Oh, they all do that. A little bit of trouble. Yeah, no. We know what it's like. They live in Switzerland. We don't have to say any more than that. Yeah, I wouldn't...

But it's great. He's a great hero. I'm acknowledging that. Okay. What is he? I mean, he just changes the gears. Can I... Well, can I tell you a bit more about my week?

I was on the Zoe Ball show, as I say, I love Zoe Ball. I was on with the Golden Globe winner, Taron Egerton. Oh. Is it Egerton? He's a lovely man. Is it Egerton or Egerton? Well, I think either or. I think it's Egerton. Oh. Is it Egerton? He's a lovely man. Is it Egerton or Egerton? Well, I think either or. I think it's Egerton.

I'm going to go Egerton. The producer is nodding, which I don't think she understands the concept of the option. I believe it. This is why she was never on Ant and Dec's Red or Black. Yeah. You can't just nod. You have to go for one or the other.

And why she wasn't a phone a friend after you'd gone down to your 50-50 option which I will be discussing don't bring that up Edgerton I'm going for Taron Edgerton the producer's nodding so we're certain about that Chris I'm going for D

Taron Edgerton 100% anyway very nice bloke and obviously in the warm glow of success, having won a Golden Globe for playing Mr E. John. And so we're talking, I was being ribbed for not having seen Rocketman, which I haven't got around to yet. Yes. And then Zoe said to him, and of course we've got

Sing 2 coming up soon. And I said, hold on. I said, were you in Sing 1? You know Sing, the animated I'm not speaking about my loyal manservant. I said,

You don't, do you? No. It's a thing I keep quiet. It's like Fight Club. It's a rule it's a thing I keep quiet it's like fight club so I said it's a thing you keep in the basement so it's like it'd be like the big daddy

warbucks loyal anyway so I said you were in sing and he said yeah so I was

I mean I said who and he said I was the gorilla honestly I could not have been. Oh, really? Johnny, the gorilla who sings I'm Still Standing.

Oh, I'm not familiar with his work. So there was a sort of a... You went very starstruck. Did you? I couldn't... A moment live on air when I absolutely was... It was sitting next to me. I'd been chatting to him

and suddenly he was Johnny the Gorilla. I mean, it blew me away. Yeah. Oh, fantastic. So I got a selfie with him in which I asked him to look as much like a gorilla as he could so I could show it to my son. We're big fans of Johnny.

Oh, I want to see the picture. I've had a picture taken with Taron Egerton, so I'd like to compare the pictures. We'll see. We'll get him as Taron Egerton and as Johnny the Gorilla. Yeah, let's do that. Lovely. OK.

Are we really not allowed to talk about Millionaire? OK. Well, not at the moment, because the fez is on the desk. But I'll talk about anything. You know me. OK. This is what I told Senator McCarthy at the anti-Americanism trials way back in the 50s.

What was I...? Well, I wanted to raise the subject of who wants to be a millionaire, if that's all right. OK. You've got a bit of a nerve going on that, if you don't mind me saying. Frank Skinner. You're old. I was throwing it out into the public.

I couldn't believe it when I turned up. I mean, Frank, I would say, is this your third time? It's my first time on my own. Because you've done it with David Baddiel and Adrian Childs before. Yes, exactly. I've tasted both success and failure. So what was the first amount you won with David? I've got to think it was 250, or am I incorrect?

I think it was either 250. I can't remember if we won 250 each or whether... I think we won 250 between us. Which is great. And I remember your final question, which was to do with the chrysanthemum and being Japanese. Isn't that weird? I've always remembered that. Yeah and then me and

Adrian Charles failed miserably I think got a thousand. It was on where the underground crypts are. Oh wow this is great work. And it was Paris. This time, let's put it this way I got 16 grand.

That's great, Frank. I think if I'd have phoned up the charity L'Arche and just... Which is what kind of charity, by the way? Well, it's an amazing... I don't want to do the speech about what is your charity. It's an amazing... I don't want to do the speech about what is your charity. They work with people with... who've got learning issues and stuff.

That's a good charity. But not in a sort of total integration, like a sort of family thing. So it's a brilliant thing. And I was keen. I could tell they had high expectations. Well, they told me. They said we got high expectations.

Oh, yeah. And I don't know if I could tell. Lash? It's when I came off. Was Lash there? No, no. But the person on the show said, we have your car.

Sorry, your car's not coming for another 40 minutes. So they obviously thought I'd be going big, and I bombed. But then I would say, isn't it better that you did that rather than risk the money, Frank? Because I believe you took the choice not to. I know, but 16 grand, what's the point? Yeah. Well,

be very careful of saying that, please. No, but I'm on about a global charity. 16 grand to them is like a tiny... It's like a teardrop dropping into the Pacific. Can I tell you what my own... I'm sure you'll be very happy with it. Don't get me wrong. If I found 16 grand

in one of my old jackets, I'd be over the moon. Okay, can I tell you my observations of the show? Go on. Firstly, can you imagine how I felt when he had phoned a friend? The relief when he phoned his good friend Pierre, who he's touring with. Yes. I went and vomited on Pierre's behalf.

How did that go? And he really played a blinder. Oh, really? Thank God for his mental health, because he did okay. Pierre's behalf. How did that go? And he really played a blinder. Oh, really? Thank God for his mental health, because he did okay. And you must have been relieved, Frank. That would have been awful if you'd got it wrong. Well, you see, again, the trouble is when you play for charity, you don't like to guess, that sort of thing.

Because I would have guessed a couple of them. If it was your own dime, as it were. Can I say, which Frank can't comment on this, and I don't know what his view is, but I'm afraid, in comparison, all I'll say is I was stumped on several of your questions. The others,

I would have got through to the million. They were so easy. I'm sorry, the others had... Well, I mean, one of the reasons... I mean, they may as well have had which monarch is on the current British currency. So is it like golf, that it was harder for you because you're so clever? I think it was!

No, it's a how! 100%. Oh, God. That is correct. You were playing off a handicap, Frank, because you're clever. When I say I can't comment on this, it's not because I'm being diplomatic, it's because obviously I didn't watch the other clever. When I say I can't comment on this, it's not because I'm being diplomatic, it's because obviously I didn't watch the other two.

So I don't really know. Well, I did. Okay. And can I say... I can't believe that that could possibly have happened. I think it's true. They do it on Celebrity Mastermind, of which I'm a massive fan. Sometimes the general knowledge questions,

they're harder for some contestants. Is it true you're doing Celebrity Mastermind on Frank Skinner's appearances on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Do you know that? I know them all. Yeah, it's a good job I'm not doing them on that. If they just ask me the questions again. Of course, I went home on the train. That was the night, when I went home on the train,

that was the night of the guy going, your name's not down, you're not coming in. Not tonight, not tonight. So the whole thing turned into a spiralling nightmare, like the end of the Catch-22 movie. So yes, it was a desperate day. But can I tell you something? If you'd have got Martin McCutcheon's questions,

you'd have been on the million. Well, I've always thought that. But I have never had more biscuits and confectionery in a dressing room than I had for that show. Oh, really? They were already rewarding me for the great contribution I was going to make to the show. And I didn't just let them down, I let Larsh down, I let everybody down.

Oh. I think it's good that we have links now and again that end a bit bittersweet. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, this last week saw the 6th of January, which is the traditional cut-off point for Christmas decorations. If anyone's sitting listening to this now and you've still got your Christmas decorations up, I'm afraid 2020 has been cursed for you.

Nevertheless. So I'd like to get the hell out of there. Now, my family and I are currently living in a flat, not in a house, on the third floor. And our dilemma was...

Sorry, did I mention that I'm on the witness protection program? No. Okay. I think that's why you kept buying the balance. I think they said not to. I've got to remember someone telling me not to. You've seen quite a few deaths in your career haven't you? You can say that again. So

our dilemma was we had this, and Kath always buys the biggest tree you can get. So we had this, and Kath always buys the biggest tree you can get, so we had this massive Christmas tree. And we also get it as early as possible, so it was a 1st of December purchase. Money's worth having. So it was ill, it was seriously ill,

losing a lot of needles. It's like it's in intensive care. Yeah, well, so the thing was, in a lot of needles. It's like intensive care. Yeah, well, so the thing was, how do we get it down two flights of stairs in the common areas? I mean, of our flat.

I'm not referring to our postcode. And in the common areas without getting needles everywhere. So this was my task. So then I found myself i was with a i had a bread knife soaring off the lower branches oh that's cool the shining hard work a bit of physical yeah and i i could just i kept having visions of the lorax standing over me wagging a finger yeah but um and, you know, for me, wagging a finger.

Yeah. But this is not how people, I think, visualise the showbiz life, but I was in a perpetual shower of needles as I hacked away at this tree. Were you in the... Oh. Yeah, in the lounge. It was still in its pot. And so then did it get carried down the stairs while somebody trailed with a handy vac? I tell you what we did.

Like a bridesmaid. No, no, no, no. What we did was I got all the dry cleaning bags that I take off my dry cleaning, probably over the last six months. I was just in a pile at the bottom of the wardrobe. I took them out and we wrapped the remaining branches at the top. Oh, right.

So I had a long trunk and at the end of it, this cluster of... I don't mention it on air. But it looked... If there'd been an enormous nuclear war, which, you know, this week wasn't out of the question, it was as if we were trying to reproduce the gladiators TV show with what few primitive items we had left. Oh the cotton

bods game. So the giant cotton bod was me, that's what it looked like as I marched down the street with Boz and Kath carrying bags of branches to the Christmas tree graveyard which is near to our house. Sounds like ingenuity won the day. But we've ended

it up. Well, it was very sad. Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. The brilliant thing. I think your mum says that. Everyone says that. I think Frank Zappa used to say it. Did he? No, he did. The great thing about

carrying a heavy unequally weighted Christmas tree is not carrying. Oh, right, yeah. So the walk back, you feel like you could fly. It's lovely. But what I was going to ask our readers, what it's left us with is an enormous bag of Christmas tree needles.

I mean like a bin liner full of Christmas tree needles, which are just separating. Now, if there's any archaeologists listening, I know that they use thorns to clean items found in the ground because they don't scratch the way a needle would. So if there's anyone on a dig at the moment who wants a bag of Christmas tree needles,

let me know. This is very relatable content. If there's any archaeologists listening, but they have to be on a dig. Actually, compared to the gearbox chat, this is pretty mainstream, I think. Exactly. There'll be people thinking, thank God they've gone off the gearbox. And on to...

We mentioned talk at one point, with a Q. Someone might have. It's good to talk. There must be a magazine article in a motoring magazine. How many times? I bet like GQ has done one of those headlines. Yeah. I bet they do one a month.

Talk, talk. It's good to talk. It'd be talk, talk. The first time it'd be spelt with a Q and the second time T-A-L-K. I mean, come on. Come on. Brilliant.

So if anyone's going, because there could be some other very practical things that you could do with Christmas tree needles that I haven't even thought of. So, you know, acupuncture. You don't want to just put them in a needle depository or something. Acupuncture for elves? I don't think you're supposed to share a needle.

No, exactly. Frank, can you recall who your other contestants were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Well, there were Martin McCutcheon and Naga Monchetti. Yes, she's just tweeted us.

She's listening to the show. Well, I hope. Can I make it clear that I did not join in on the lesser questions? Can I make it clear that I will now be asking Alan about how to put a car in reverse back in a bit? Frank Skinner on absolute radio we've had a long distance reverse anecdote um from 137 in 1981 i owned a mini 850 on a night out once it got stuck in reverse gear and i had to reverse at the 10 miles home neckache or what and then finishes with a flourish,

I part-exchanged it for a new Ford Capri and never looked back. Ah, never looked back! Yeah, come on! I mean, there's a lot to like there. He meant that, didn't he? I hope so. Lawrence from Lynx. Meanwhile, I've got Naga tweeting us. Oh, right.

She's not tweeting us. She put what I like. We were talking, in case anyone's just tuning in, we were talking about Frank's appearance on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Mm-hmm. And he... You felt, I think it's fair to say,

you felt that you would have liked to have... Well, I failed. You didn't fail. Come on, let's move on. OK. He's so easy to work with He is, really Naga, who was your fellow contestant

Yes I pointed out that some of the questions that the other contestants got I felt they were fairer You knew the answers to them I knew they were easier Is Naga absolutely furious? No, because she's lovely And she's seen the funny side

And she sent three laughing emojis. Oh, OK. And I think that shows her in a very good light. And can I say, my comments might have been directed, because she got quite far at others, but I didn't want to single them out. OK. OK?

Now Martin McCutcheon will tweet. And where are we going to go now you've painted yourself into a corner? It's a terrible corner I'm in. Did she do three laughing emojis and then in brackets scornfully? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Gloating.

How much did Naga win? We watch Naga on the telly you see every week. She won... Keep digging. I know, I'm really digging. Have I got out of the hole? I think so.

Yeah, I think so. How much did she win? Well, I don't want to tell you. You'll be upset, Frank. She did better than you, put it that way. Well, I should think so. Otherwise, it would have been a very short programme. It would have been like the potter's wheel

just put on to fill up a little... You'd all have had to have killed like an hour backstage whilst the cars were arriving. Oh, no. Did you get on well? You seem to get on well with Clarkson, though. Well, you know, he's a very likeable bloke. Yes, I think he did a good job.

He helped me out. He got one of my answers. Did he? Did he? Oh, yes. They have the ask the host option now. Oh, yeah, they do. Ask the host.

That's nice, isn't it? Can we use that option? Oh, that's a good idea. He got an answer about travel, which one would imagine is quite in his line of work. Though I didn He got an answer about travel, which one would imagine he's quite in his line of work. Though I didn't know it was about travel when I asked him, but he just... That's, again,

the sort of thing Alan would know. Abter. Oh, yeah, you're all over things like abter. It was an abter, was it? Oh, I thought it was. I do apologise. It was T... Oh, I can't remember what it was. It was some abbreviation for the travel tourist. Excuse me, can we ask Faye? Atoll. Atoll. Oh, yeah. A remember what it was. It was some abbreviation for the travel tourist. Excuse me, can we all stay? Atoll.

Atoll. Oh, yeah. Atoll. Bikini Atoll. Yes. Okay. There's a Lauren and Hardy film called Atoll Cay, in which they are both old, and Stan is actually quite ill.

And me and David Baddiel, whenever we got photographs to approve, we'd always say, well, that one's a bit at all, because we look so terrible. I'll tell you something. One of my all-time favourite television programmes is Columbo. Oh, yeah. And I was, you know, I love it the way Columbo would pull apart a case. And one of the things I was always impressed by was when he found someone

who'd apparently died from overexertion playing squash and then he noticed that the way their shoelaces were tied that they'd been tied from the outside as it were rather than from the wearer's side. I love something like that. And I have deduced just from watching a bit of

muted television this morning that Keir Starmer the Labour MP muted television this morning that Keir Starmer, the Labour MP, I would put a large amount of money that he's right-handed. Would you? If you look at the way his hair is combed,

the whole thing is one and all. It would be very difficult if you were left-handed to have your hair like that on that side. You'd be pushing your hair away rather than pulling it across. It's real power hair. I would say it's

evacuee chic. That's what I would call it, yes. Yeah, I think I don't know if I could arrive at that but I'm confident about the right hander he's got a good head of hair oh god he's got a good head of hair

how lucky at his age we had a guess earlier about how old Keir Starmer was which Alan won we've had two competitions this morning the first competition we had always held I like to hold and be the quiz master.

I asked, we all guessed the tallest ever US president. And again, Alan won. With? Was it Lincoln? It was Babelham Lincoln. I wouldn't mind, but I brought up Lincoln. I brought up Lincoln

and dismissed him. And Al picked it up and ran with it. Babelham Lincoln was 6'4". Standing on the shoulders of giants. Was he a vampire hunter? Have I made that up? I think you're thinking of the Lincoln in the Bardo novel. You've seen a silly film.

Is there a film, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter? Have I completely made that up? 8, 12, 15. We'll have it as one of our more mainstream text-ins for today. Yeah, OK. So well done, Alan. He's on a clear strike of our in-between link quizzes. Something has to give.

There's about 4% of pain in Frank's voice when he says, the world on, Alan. I think there's 4% of pain in all American presidents. I speak, of course, of Thomas Paine, the man who wrote The Rights of Man. Very good. We need to redress the balance. Just get enough reference on Saturday morning radio. I bet that's the first Thomas Paine's

Rights of Man joke on Absolute Airfare. If anyone else has heard one, I'll probably find out Bush has got some running theme about Thomas Paine's Rights of Man, but we'll see, we'll see. He was tall. Frank, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want first, Frank?

I'll go, well, you know, it's top load. I'll go good news first. Can I give you the bad? Oh, no, you know, it's top load. I'll go good news first. Can I give you the bad... Oh, no, you choose. I'm going to trust your sense of theatre. The good news is that you have been... sent a message proving you right. Well, that...

I know it's the best news. Yeah. Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is an awesome film. There you go. So that's exciting for you isn't it wasn't one of your silly films bad news Harry and Meghan are not happy here they're going to

leave the country I don't know if you've missed this news cycle we should discuss this I'll put the news about LBJ being the second tallest on because this feels more relevant that's from 454 I'm afraid he picked

his beagle up by the ears and caused a bit of a public outrage who Lyndon B. Johnson did did he they often get into

trouble with dogs these people yeah remember Mitt Romney Mitt Romney oh god Mitt Romney

he said it oh no he didn't. And the vapour trail of canine excrement that he left behind him. When he put the dog, Frank, on the roof rack. I know. I mean, Google it, guys. Google it, guys. It's one of those stories.

I would put it up there with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight as one of the great stories in the English language. Would you put it up there with when Gawain and the Green Knight as one of the great stories in the English language. Would you put it up there with when the gorilla drank the Ribena? Oh, kombucha. Kombucha, yes. I mean, that's in the top five. I think that was it. Five litres of Ribena

drunk by a gorilla. He went crazy wild. No water. No diluting. Just the diluted. Diluting? The undiluted. Purple wee. Purple wee. Okay. So, Megan

and Harry, or Megxit, I believe they're calling it. That's right. Very clever that. I bet the person who'd come up with that just couldn't. The trouble is, nowadays, if you come up with a joke like that in the old days, you'd just go and do it proudly. Now you'd go on the internet to see if any... And all those pond jokes,

ten other people have come up with them. I hate the internet for that. It's a bit like on the 1st of January when you realised that it was 2020 and you thought, oh, I've got a vision for 2020. And then everyone's done 2020 vision. I think I did one myself. I'm desperately ashamed to say.

I think I used to do a joke about how rather than 2020 vision, I had 1812 vision and that I was making overtures at people. Oh, that is, I love that. It's a little bit more elegant, isn't it? That's an excellent joke. Thanks, Frank. Okay. Anyway, back to the news.

They're off. The news cycle. So, yes, they've... Well, you know, Megan. Did you know this was going to happen? Were you in the WhatsApp group? No further questions at this time. Thank you.

I will be holding a press conference. I've met Megan. And as you know, I liked her enormously. I found her very charming. You liked her what? Enormously. But I found her, I know this sounds strange, but she was a bit too normal.

No offence to any members of the royal family. But she just seemed a bit like someone you'd meet at a party and have a conversation with and i did that's that's problematic i fear that she'll be tweeting in a minute saying i have never been so insulted but no i see that as a massive it's like it's not for for normal people really yeah because you've got to be a bit strange do you think in that family did he do that thing that you do when you get into a new relationship and um she said look my friends have said there's a lot of press intervention and and yes an invasion when you're and he goes no

yeah yeah it's great we never hear from the press it's never happened in the press for years yeah and then when she comes in she finds out the real truth of it. Maybe. But did you get a tip off about it? That's what we want to know. No. Okay. Can I say...

You should have told us and then we could have stepped in when they wanted to get Frogmore House refurbished for £2.4 million. And we could have said, hold on, we know you're off. Can I just say, Madam Two Swords, they were quick. They were always quick off the mark. That was a really clever bit of publicity. They went straight in. But I want to know how that happens, the meeting as well.

Have they been melted down? They don't get melted down, Frank. They got taken out of the official royal line-up. Wow. Movedup. Wow. Moved elsewhere. Yesterday. Put in with American celebrities now. They're actually in the foyer greeting people now.

No, the real ones. Now that'll be a couple of years. Yeah. That was quick, though, to move them out. Well, I think maybe the old queen gave them a call. She might have said, remove them. No, she might have said, bring them over here. We can put them up, we can take them to official things

and no one will notice. It'll be absolutely fine. Photo opportunity. Great idea. I wonder what Piers Morgan thinks. Is that something you've got on a T-shirt? I've got on a T-shirt. I like something I never thought I'd say,

but I did like something Nigel Farage said. This is how they get you, you know. No, I don't. In a couple of years, you'll be like me. This is what happened with Reece Mug and that joke about the tattoo part. Oh, but that was incredible. That was brilliant. But this was unintentionally funny for us.

But, you know, still, credit where it's laughter. He still got the laugh. But I saw a clip and he said, I tell you, it's 1936 all over again. Oh, yeah. Oh, the abdication. Yeah, and it just seemed a very Farage take on it. Yeah.

To mention the 30s. I think his memory's in black and white. It was very Pathé. And I also saw Charles... Is it Charles Moore that he used to edit The Telegraph? Has he got a big beard? No, I think his son's beard. Was it him? I may have got this wrong.

It might have been the one who used to edit The Standard, who I can't remember his name. But anyway, one of them said, well, I mean, it's very sad what's happened to the Royal family. I just hope they don't remain on non-speakers. On non-speakers? And that's a very posh way of saying I'm ghosting you. And maybe the first time he's ever said remain.

Is there a case though this week I put Boz to bed my 7 year old and he was back to school the next morning and he got a bit teary and said can't we just stay on holiday forever

and they have just had a 6 week holiday in Canada and I wonder if they've just come back, you know, when you think, why don't we get, we could move here. I moved to this exact, yeah, this is it. This is what's happened. It's so tempting that. They had a local beer or a sangria and they've let it go to their head. Yeah.

And thought we could do this forever. We could get a place here. Yeah. Oh, I feel. The trouble is with that is usually that goes away in a week or two and you calm down, but they've committed so publicly to it now. Yeah. They might be stuck with it.

And why you would want to leave a family like that, lovely uncles, I don't know. I also thought maybe there's an uncle in the family thinking, I wish you'd announced this six weeks ago. You'd have taken some of the heat off me. He can't believe it. There he is. There he is. There he is.

Might be an uncle in the family thinking, I don't mind being the patron of the Royal Society for the Protection. I've got some spare time on my hands. Do you think the response when he asked that is, no, you're all right? Yeah. I felt sorry for Harry when they said, they reported, it is reported that the Queen telephoned Prince Harry direct,

immediately after the announcement. Can you imagine that call? Well, I've heard that he picked up the phone and she sang the whole of Billy Oceans, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, in a sort of shrill, accusative voice. So, I don't envy him that. The poor queen, I mean, you know.

I've never heard that, the poor queen. I don't think she's poor. You know what I mean. And other things no one has ever said. I know, but it's... I like that these strange jobs come out, though. Like they said, well, you hear these correspondents talking in this way, using these weird archaic... They said, well, you hear these correspondents talking in this way, using these weird archaic,

they said, well obviously, the finances will all be down to the keeper of the privy purse. Keeper of the privy? My choice is Britain. Yeah,

and the sovereign grant. The money that they receive from the sovereign grant. Yeah. I thought Russell Grant had been promoted into it. Can you get me some money out of the Sovereign Grant? I just need to pay the milkman.

I think what they should do is get the money that we are going to save as taxpayers by not having to pay Meghan and Harry at the Sovereign Grant. The royal family should put it on the side of a double-decker bus and say it can go to the NHS. That's very popular. They're streamlining it, apparently, and there was a succession photo, wasn't there?

And there are reports that the succession photo didn't go down well, because it's just the four, isn't it? It's Queen, Charles, William and George, your favourite, Frank. Yes. I think Harry's sixth in line. I believe so.

And I think it was seen as, this is Charles as I do, the streamlined royal family. And streamlining will cause problems. Well, look, I think they could solve the whole thing by saying, OK, well, good luck with it all. The Duke of Edinburgh's offered to drive you to the airport. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. We like to hear from you. Many have. You strike us as a very bright and witty crowd. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Do one of those. They're not just bright, they're also experienced. 682, morning all, when I did my advanced police driving course, I already like the sound of this, we had to drive as fast as we could backwards on an airfield for about 200 metres, only using the wing mirrors to keep us straight.

So I'm guessing no sort of hand on the passenger seat. I've never seen a police car doing that. Excellent. I'm sure the speeder didn't go above 20 miles an hour, so I think that's the fastest you can go. If you bottle it going backwards, you end up with the Dodgem car losing its mind scenario. I hope this assists.

I like bottle it. Thanks from Reading. I like if you bottle it. Yeah. Yeah, I presume he is a policeman now. If you bottle it, if you're one of those characters who bottle it. We've had also a missive from Nick Murphy, who I like the sound of, because he says,

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Working my way... Nick Murphy, I think, is one of the things that the last guy said when he was on that secondment in Dublin. Working my way through your podcasts, I heard a reader mention his dislike of giraffes. This is all the way back in November 2014. Oh, God, I don't remember that.

It reminded me of my children's pyjamas back in the 90s. They had little drawings of animals with the noise they made written underneath. A cow, moo, a sheep, bar. Imagine my joy when under the giraffe, nothing. Yeah. 246. I mean, why did they bring up the giraffe, those pajama men?

Why do you say quiet at how? I mean, they're non-speakers anyway, the others. But I feel, yeah, why did they not have a meeting about that and think, well, we'd better not put the giraffe because that's cruel. It doesn't have a noise. I watched a very old silent movie. I think it had Lon Chaney in it,

The Man of a Thousand Faces. And it was MGM and it started off with The Lion. Oh, yeah. And it was a silent movie. So The Lion was in the middle of that thing and it just looked at the camera, basically. They didn't have it yawning silently and then have a caption come up that said grrr

for about nine R's. So it just looked at the camera as if like, you know, hello? I'm not being used to my full skills here. What are you doing in my cage? And then it went off. I thought, it's such a weird idea, a lion just looking like that. It's probably a bit down because you get less money for a non-speaking supporting artist. Except there was a lion.

Oh, I don't know that. There was a lion that appeared at the end of the film, was in the film, and I wondered if that was the deal. Oh, right. The lion keeper said, well, you'll do the silent stare at the beginning, but I want him a bit of action. I like the idea that it was two seconds.

You want him to be in the main part of the film? Oh, no, come on. Shut up. I feel sorry. I still like the idea that there were two lions. Not three. Not three. And that one of them, the one at the beginning...

I think it was the same lion. ...was upset. Allow me to indulge my fantasy... OK. ...that there was a star lion, and then the one whose agent was less good the first lion

they said will you roar and he said well have I been asked to act in the film no so no I won't roar thanks very much I think yeah there could have been a bit of that going on I mean whether it's one or two lions let's face it neither of them they're no longer with us because this film was from way back it's one or two lions, let's face it, neither of them are still there,

they're no longer with us, because this film was from way back. It's a bit depressing. I don't know if lions get 85 and still alive. No. Has it all gone a bit golden syrup? Yes, it has. But, you know, our thoughts are with the family.

With the bees. We've had a correctione in a way. OMG, Frank, I'm a lady policeman. He or she still love you all. Top and stuff. You know what? I'm sorry about that. Yes.

I think it was because of the burst and about high-speed reversing. No, it was bottle it. I thought I said officer as well. I think when you said bottle it I said that sounds like a policeman so I think I might have been at fault there I do apologise

Big two tone fans of course What the selector? The female police officers They used to have the old black and white check on the hat Oh I love that Did you do Bravo? What about when I had my hair cut once and it looked horrible and it was short

and the hairdresser said, never mind, it looks a bit like Juliet Bravo. I said, I don't want to look like that. I'm nine. There you go. I went out with a police officer once. You didn't? Briefly.

What happened? Very nice. What do you mean, very nice? Very nice. I mean, she didn't ask for a review. Very nice. She was, you know. Al?

Nice to hang around with. Al, stop him. One of the... You know what very nice reminds me? I'll call her an easy peeler. Weird. What about very nice? That reminds me of the lovely man who was blow-drying my hair this week.

And it just seemed not an interesting response. In a professional capacity. In a professional capacity, yeah. And in a salon, not in my bedroom. And he said, he was asking, you know how hairdressers ask those questions, going anywhere on your holidays, that sort of cliché chat? He doesn't do that. What I like is he mixes it up.

He's Italian, I believe. So am I allowed to do the accent? Can we all vote on the Italian accent? I think Italian is fine. Okay. He said, so have you ever smoked a cigarette? It's not. Oh, that's interesting. I said, well, do you know, I used to, yeah. And he said, did you like it? Did you enjoy

smoking a cigarette? I said, I did at the at the time but in retrospect I don't think I did I said I think I thought I'd enjoyed it and he said it's a very great hobby Hobby? And then he said again nice hobby Maybe he thought that his fingers smelled and that he was trying to sort of just

broke like this But I've never heard smoking described as a great hobby even back in the 70s. No, I did see, I saw an opera, sort of an operetta, that was, the whole thing was a celebration of smoking. Really? And how brilliant it is.

Can I say the absolute official policy on this is that smoking is very, very, very bad for you indeed, and I think we all agree, do we not? How is there singing? Will you agree with me on this? In a smoking opera? They smoked a lot of cigarettes during the opera Wow It was at Glynde

No it was at Harlem Park opera which is a big summer festival of opera You've changed We've had a Roman Catholics got in touch. I just need to check everything's okay. Talk amongst yourselves.

Is that what it says? No, it's to do with the parish priest and it's the very strong email was sent by his parish priest, Father Weatherby. Okay. Because technically the season doesn't end until February the 2nd. email was sent by his parish priest, Father Weatherby. OK. Because technically the season doesn't end until February 2nd,

when JC was baptised. Oh, really? Well, I've always... I'm 12th night. And many countries uphold this. 12th night, I was told. Oh, what you will. Yeah, exactly. Well, we'll have to investigate this Father Weatherby

Father Weatherby I like that you went immediately for the respectful father yeah well of course Father Peter Weatherby

hello good morning Father forgive me it's too long to go into now can I say I don't eat meat

on Fridays let's just you know let's put the balance back. OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, I've noticed during Megxit... Oh, yes.

..Harry and Meghan's departure, there's a tendency for people to come out with very similar... So they reach for... I'm going to go clichés. OK. If you know of any, do let me know. come out with very similar, sort of they reach for, I'm going to go clichés. Okay. If you know of any, do let me know. But one I've spotted a lot is, well, they want their cake and eat it.

Yeah, there is a lot of that. Which irritates me anyway because the grammar of that seems off. As we know, the original. I don't know where the original comes from. I think it's... Is it keep? It's Swift or someone. And it's something... Please do write in if I'm wrong, but I think it's Swift.

It's something like they want to eat... She wants to eat her cake and have it too, which makes sense. I think some people say... Yes, which makes more sense. It's saying you want to eat your cake and then you want to still have it. Oh, I see.

So that's what it means. But when people say, you want your cake and eat it, it's the lazy modernity I've got to... I have to say, that's been very enlightening for me. I never knew that's where it's from and now it makes complete sense to me.

It's like the Renaissance for you. And as I've said many times, that's what you want on the radio, people who know stuff. Yeah. I don't know why no one's thought of this as a simple formula. Well. Anyway, I have to say Good job we've rushed in to save the day on that,

innit? I blame the whole thing on the gambling industry. Do you? I think this slogan they've introduced They've ruined football and now they've ruined Yeah but Man's great weaknesses The gambling, yeah, and the sexy things

Oh Yes, Breakfast Radio Elegantly put I said sexy things, that's alright They introduced this slogan, when the fun stops, stop Yeah And I think that is not what this country was built on People stopping when the fun stops, stop. Yeah. And I think that is not what this country was built on,

people stopping when the fun stopped. I mean, what would our jobs be like if we all stopped when the fun stopped? And I think this has led to the increased divorce rates. Right. I think it's a very dangerous world view. Yeah. Also, you'd think that the fun would continue

for a bit longer being a prince and a duchess. Well, I doubt it. And also, no chance really of getting the top job except in a disaster.

I know, but how many groups of people dancing badly can you sit and watch and look like you're having a great time before it starts

to gnaw at you? Have they stopped like like, immediately? No. Is there an eight-year-old girl standing... I think they're doing it flexi-time now. There's an eight-year-old girl standing at a day centre turning a small bouquet as it wilts upside down to check her watch, thinking, well, where are they? Well, I think what's happened is they're now in talks.

T-O-L-K? Yeah. OK. Because, obviously, I think there was some... It caught them by surprise, didn't it, the statement, the royals? Can that actually be true, that they didn't tell? I believe so. But then I...

I mean, obviously, I respect them, because, as you know, I have a woman crush on Meghan. But I do think, of course, you can't tell the Queen. I mean, you know, sometimes you have to do. If I was leaving here, I have no plans to, I'd do a French goodbye, I think, probably. What is that?

It's just leaving. You don't say goodbye. Oh, is it? Oh, really? Yeah. You know what I like? You, is it? Oh, really? Yeah. You know what I like? You looked a bit sad when I said that, and I felt very touched. Well, I don't even want to think about it. Can I tell you something?

A friend of mine worked on the suits. Oh, yeah. Not when Megan was on, but he kept in touch with the people, and she was... What did they say? They all said that she was really, really nice and everyone liked her.

Right. And I said that might be just because actors aren't inclined to gossip. But, yeah, they all spoke of her. I said, no, no, she's a really lovely girl and all that. Frank, can I just say, she's got nothing to do with the knighthoods anymore. Yeah. Okay? It's the Queen you want to be saying that about. Okay, sorry.

Because you do, I think I'm just saying I don't want the knighthood. Would you keep the knighthood? I don't think it I think next year it will come. I think it destroys the rhythm of a name that I chose for its rhythm.

Oh, yeah? Sir Frank Skinner. I like it. No, I'm not sure about it. We'll see. We'll see when it comes to... Cut to next year. Can you keep this clip?

Thank you. I really don't think it's going to happen. I think that's very... Unless I start, you know, doing the charity stuff publicly. All right. Well, you don't do it publicly, but I might. If only you'd done that for someone who wants to be a millionaire. Yeah, exactly.

A bit of shoo-in. It'd be great if you won a million who wants to be a millionaire and then got a knighthood for your charity work. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Well, I think they should give it to you. Oh, shut up. I do. I want to come.

Yeah, because if it happens, then I'll get should give it to you. Oh, shut up. I do, I want to... Yeah, because if it happens, then I'll get all the credit for this. Well, the other bit, like, this is like when my mum was saying, you know, there's a gap for Doctor Who, you should go for that, Alan. Well, he did that, it worked. It's not a terrible idea.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I know I'm often a contrarian. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I really liked Megan and then went off her when she complained that nobody had asked her if she was OK. And I thought, nah, you've just had a baby. Everybody asks the mum and are you okay?

Everybody says that to a new mum and are you okay? How are you? And I just don't believe that if you're a duchess and a new mum. No one said that. And also if she feels a need to be asked if she's okay just go to a posh restaurant. They'll do it. Oh that's true.

Is everything okay? Oh I love that and then they say good evening sir madame i take your wrap oh i like it when they offer to take your wrap what about if you're actually eating one that must be very confusing an avocado prep wrap um daniel worthington has been in touch, Frank. Hello. Sorry, I just thought I'd give him a nickname. Frank Etow. I didn't. Checkered... Oh, the youngest person on the show loved that.

Checkered band on police uniform, which you were referring to earlier, has a history. Officers used to wear uniform even when off duty. When they were on duty, they wore the checked band to show they were, in quotes, at work. Oh, OK, like a cab having a light on the top. Very good. Daniel Worthington, a recently retired cop. Mail confirmed.

Okay. I have a similar thing. I have an exclamation mark on my flat cap for when I'm being funny and then I take it off and just, that's me, that's the civilian me. That's good. I once had a good idea which I like, which was that you should have an anecdote light on

when you're telling a story in a restaurant. Because it's very annoying when you're mid-anecdote and the waiter, waitress comes over and says, is everything OK? You go, ah. Yeah. Well, I don't like it also when one of the party, because I put a hand up if someone does that.

I mean, not to the waiter necessarily, but to the group as if to say, hang on, let's all group together and give off the body language that this is a non-interrupter. Yeah. Yeah, I think you get those waiters who want to be part of the gang. It's not acceptable, I must say. Anyway, that was the Chequered Band history.

OK, I'm glad to hear that. It's a Chequered history, if you will. The Chequered Band history, I think, is... Is that Jules Holland's memoir? Boogie woogie. No, thanks. Oh, come on, New Year's Eve. I tell you what, this...

The Megxit, the Megxit, the Sosexit, would have been harder to pull off if Jeremy Corbyn had won the election, I think. Because then it would have looked like, oh, hold on, socialism. I'm out of here. I mean, to be fair, he was doing a lot of work for you there. Yeah, I think it would have been a bit of,

you know, you'll get no free broadband out of us. I don't think they could have done it. I think they'd have had to have stayed. It would have really looked like they'd have thought, no, whoops, you know. Yes, you're right. So they must have been relieved.

I don't know how long... I don't know if they were planning it, how long they've been planning it. I believe they've been planning it for some time and word on the street... Well, let's not be so specific. OK. Well, word on the street... When I let's not be so specific. OK. Well, word on the street...

When I say the street, Bond Street... Yeah. ..was that Charles knew of this before Christmas. If you want specifics, don't push me. Don't push me. OK. But if you want specifics, Charles knew before Christmas and said... Well, he was all ears.

This... Pass the dutchie. Christmas and said... Well, he was all ears. This is... Pastor Darchie, this is something we have to talk about this, obviously. I think he was worried about the financial implications. Oh, well. We all are. Surely we

should have all been at that meeting. We're all part of the funding. Yeah. That'd be a big meeting. Well, it depends. Not in our fraternity. Yeah, there'd be a few celebrity people who didn't need to turn up.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Speaking of royal insider knowledge, was perhaps Mr Skinner privy to this? This is 364. I recall for some years upon seeing Prince Andrew, him saying, here he comes. Well, that is true.

Yes. How did that play out? Let's not discuss it. It was, I mean, to me, obviously, this is pretty small beer compared to when the Pope suddenly resigned. Oh, yeah. I certainly didn't see that one coming.

That was a biggie, wasn't it? That was a real biggie, yeah. Oh, I'd forgotten that. Sorry, Frank. This, to me, is just somebody leaving their job, basically. Yeah. 881 has texted with some very useful info for you. Morning Frank. Next year with your Christmas tree removal, put it into an

old duvet cover. Works a treat. I think to collect all the needles. But when you say old, one you'd want to dispose of because I wouldn't want that going in. No, no. That's the trouble. I don't know. I don't know. Because new year. I don't know.

Because we're in temporary accommodation at the moment. Yeah. Because of the witness protection. Yeah, we didn't bring... He makes it sound. We didn't bring our old duvets. You know what I mean? I say temporary accommodation.

It's your property. But you could tip out from B&B. Duvet cover into, yeah, anyway. No, you'd never get the needles out of a duvet cover. That's actually my new

boss-a-nova song that I've written. You'd never get the needles out of a duvet cover. You don't think? No, no, no. People make a ship

in a bottle out of matches. You don't think people have got the patience to get the needles out of bottle out of matches. You don't think people have got the patience to get the needles out of a duvet cover? They don't actually do that, do they? They pull a bit of cotton and then the masts go up and that's it. I thought they make all of it and then pull the bit of cotton.

What do you think, they're working with two tiny hands on sticks working through the end of it? No, I don't mean they make it in the bottle. I just mean it's an exercise in patience, isn't it? Well. I think you've probably got the patience to get the needles

out of the duvet. I haven't. It's a very hypothetical argument that we're having here. It is. Best argument. I wish you'd not speak ever again after this.

For real. Have you seen Alan ever? Massive fall in love. It was one of those rows we just couldn't come back from. What was it about? And then I pressed the jingle thing and it goes

Needles in a duvet I know, I know it's serious. And that's the only reference we ever make to it. Do you know I've got much better at changing my duvet? Have you? Yeah, are you good at it or do you have people doing that i quite like

to do it myself i have i have i stripped a bed uh very recently and i liked it yeah exactly and um i i i like uh i like the um all the buttons done up on a duvet. I cannot sleep under a duvet where people have done two or three of the buttons. Oh, lighten up. No. It's not Engelbert. Come on. It's a duvet, not Engelbert Humperdinck. Do your buttons up.

Or Simon Simone Cowell. Yeah, exactly. Simone Cowell's shirt on my feet. I tell you, I watched politics live yesterday lunchtime with Rory Stewart. Remember Rory Stewart? What's he up to these days? Well, he had three buttons on his shirt.

Three. And he was a thin, he's a thin man. I mean, he is a thin man. Do you know what? He's trying to go for the old touch of the Starmers. He's so thin, I could read the label on the back of his shirt through his ribcage. I love a bit of politics live, Frank. You know what we should do?

Maybe we'll Skype next time. Yeah, let's do it. It's a great show. Yeah, it's a great show. Great show. But yeah, he's steadily getting thinner and older. He's looking older. Is he?

Oh, sorry if you're listening, Rory. How would you feel if you tuned into the radio and someone said, Frank Skinner, he's getting older. We're all getting older, love. I don't know if he's got this lightness to him that he would listen to this. I think he's a very serious individual. He's pretty intense, isn't he?

I think he's trying to be meritorious. That's what I thought about Naga. And now look what happened to me. Well, exactly. No, she looks like she'd like a laugh, I think. She's a great fan. Closing notices. 832 says,

electric cars are as fast in reverse as going forward no gears it's just a motor I love closing notices

that's brilliant and also there'll be a second there'll be a retiring collection as you leave as you leave the studio

for the old priest one of my favourite moments I've been doing this show how long 10 years

11 years someone we've been doing it show, how long, 10 years, 11 years, someone? We've been doing it nearly that long this morning, according to the producer, he's constantly saying, move on! One of my favourite moments ever was you saying, you always like the duvet done up, and Alan shouting, lighten up! I know, it's an... I mean, we've had some interesting conflicts towards the end of the show.

Honestly, no Nobel Peace Prize for us. So look, so thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio