The Frank Skinner Show - Robe Window

Episode Date: May 22, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had an embarrassing moment with a doctor and has been watching Eurovision. The team also discuss childhood disappointments and what your sleepwear says about you.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Love to hear from you. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio for you moderns. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Options, options, options. How lovely. So, here is a thing. You all right, Al?

You all right there, love? Good morning. Good. I, my child, who's actually nine on Sunday, woke... Well, he didn't wake, but he came downstairs in tears this week. And we let him have the radio on in the night until we go up and then put the... I won't go into all the domestic details.

But he'd heard on the news, as he lay in darkness in his room surrounded with Harry Kane posters that Harry Kane had asked to leave Tottenham Hotspur. So not only was he in tears, but when I went up to tuck him in, all the posters had been taken down. I mean, that is... Don't even wait till the next morning. Don't even wait till possible contractual enforcement.

Gone. Gone. Straight into action. Oh, man. I'm trying to think who that reminds me of, that kind of reaction. Yeah, extremism. I can't work it out. I don't think I did that when I found out that Pernell Roberts, who played Adam Cartwright in Bonanza, wore a toupee. That's when I put that as one of my big childhood disappointments.

I love Bonanza. Yeah, there's this big famous Western show, which I loved. And then one of the heroic guys, there's a picture of him in one of my sister's showbiz magazines of him fishing, baled yedded, as they used to say in the black country. What do you say? He was baled yedded.

And I couldn't remember. I mean, I didn't have posters of him, but if I had, I would have got the tippex out on the hair section. Well, my childhood disappointments were always like, my father worked in TV and I'd point to people on the television and say, Daddy, is he nice? And my father would say, no, terrible

man. Hates children. I won't go into details about some of the characters he discussed, but let's just say there are a few childhood dreams shattered. OK. So what were your most memorable childhood disappointments? 8, 12, 15.

Let's start off with a bright sparkle to the morning. Oh, man. So, yeah, that happened. And what else? Oh, I've been watching Eurovision. Because it's the semi-finals this week. Do you know that? Oh, yeah.

But I don't know. I'm just calling him the man. Oh, you mean... The Brits. Who is the man? James Newman. Yeah, but don't say it like... It sounds like he works for Absolute Radio.

No, James Newman is our representative. He's got... I'd say his thing is sort of rag and bone man next door. That's his kind of vibe. Oh, is he? Yeah. Chirpy chappy. If...

That could sound like a window cleaner in the 70s don't get me wrong I'm just talking about his vibe he seems a really nice guy he writes songs and stuff but he's got

a kind of homeless James Corden feel to him which isn't you know necessarily a bad thing not that I'm suggesting I want to see

James Corden homeless I don't think it's going to happen it's not going to happen that would have to be one hell of a divorce settlement Not that I'm suggesting I want to see James Corden homeless. I don't think it's going to happen. It's not going to happen. That would have to be one hell of a divorce settlement to get that kind of money up. Anyway, so that happened. And the producer's saying...

Is he good to man? The producer's holding up a post with the word legal on it. Can we just establish... What that means? The Eurovision is the man good well I haven't seen

him properly yet because he's one of the big five you see I don't mean like the water buffalo and the lion

the giraffe no the big five don't have to qualify through the semi-finals I think it's UK, Germany, Spain

Italy and France I say I think I's UK, Germany, Spain, Italy and France. I say I think. I'm quite a big fan still of Eurovision, although I think, I'll tell you something, Al, it's gone a bit the way of the comedy circuit. It's sort of lost the dark end and now you've got a lot of young, good-looking, very competent people.

And I used to like the strange, eccentric, terrible people. That was part of the whole joy. So there's a bit less of that. Pardon? I thought you meant it had gone on to Zoom. No, no, no. So, yeah. Actually, we've got a bit of a Eurovision

thing I need to tell you about, which we'll come to that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And who is, is, is, oh yes, Eurovision. So we were, I'm still quite a fan of Eurovision, I must say. We'll be there tonight. When we watched it this week,

we did it with like scorecards and all that. So we give each country all that. We properly take it seriously. Well, not seriously, perhaps that's not the right word, but we're focused on it. I don't even remember this, but a few weeks ago, I was horsing around on the show. Imagine what it would be like if I did a Eurovision hit. And I think you've got the details of who sent this in, Emily,

because I want to credit them. Yeah, well, this character... I mean, I say character, but I shouldn't have said that because that sounds rather negative in some respects. That's what the police say. Oh, no On those police...

Or novelists. Oh, what happened then? Well, I'm trying to find the details of this man, but sadly I only have them on my Instagram. Well, I'll play the track and then we can do it after. He's called Sound Warper, Frank. Sound Warper, of course. Is he one of the Hampshire Warpers?

Anyway, this is Sound Warper. He sat at home at his laptop in his home studio and he created this moment. I can see Frank as a sort of German crooner. Crooner.

And light is like a light that's shining on in the darkness In the darkness And I I'm getting moved. I'm feeling something.

And I Oh, there we go. This is quite short, by the way. Oh, this is the bit I really love. Big finish. Hey. Hey. Well, I...

Look, listen to that. I can't... Oh. You know, and also the crowd loved you. They loved me. Yeah. It's great. I've never seen you get a reaction like that.

But I am not insane. I wonder where he got that jacket. That kind of, yeah. Yeah, well done. I tell you, he'd say, it's all right, the doctor will be on the way in a moment with your tablets. That's what he'd say to you. Anyway, thanks for that sound.

Sound warper. If I may call you by your first name Mr S Warper Mr S Warper, Swarper Thank you, sound I love that He's a sound guy Have we had any childhood disappointments?

We have, actually Yeah, we have I'm playing this just to remember what a happy childhood sounds like There's a way into it Oh, I'm playing this just to remember what a happy childhood sounds like as a way into it. Oh, I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear. Actually, the producer said again now that we have to wait for the childhood disappointments.

Oh, we've got so many good ones. Well, before we go, before you go. Before you go. Before you go, Gary Massey. My mum and dad refusing to buy me those cowboy boots at Bolton Market in 1978. Oh, do you know what? I still think like that about the rocking horse I never got. I think they did a good thing for you, Gary.

Me and him were similarly themed. It's Wild West, regrets, is a subsection. Friendship on Absolute Radio. It's Wild West regrets It's a subsection So we've had lots of Have we had some childhood regrets? We've had a lot Al haven't we? Yes 308 380 has said childhood disappointment

Asking for Sweet Valley High books For my birthday And instead receiving the complete works of Jane Austen. That's from Lucy Collins. I don't know, Sweet Valley High. That's not the one you used to read, is it, Al? There was a sort of... Oh, I used to read a lot of Judy Bloom,

but I've not read any Sweet Valley High. Yes, we know that. When you say a lot of, you used to read Forever, which was the weird one... No, I read all of them. ...which none of our mums let us read. No, I read forever and i read all the others i read are you there god it's me margaret i read i did yeah i've read all

of them joseph conrad the famous writer um apparently once a year went into his attic with all of jane austen's books um in an attempt to find out what people saw in Jane Austen and after about five or six hours his wife would hear shouting and things being thrown and then he'd come back down the stairs and say I'll try again next year so what about that

fair play for trying yeah that is good you know there's comics whose success I find inexplicable, but I wouldn't go once a year and listen to their stuff because it's just agonising. You know what? I'd love it if you did, Al.

In fact, the next time I tell that anecdote, it's going to be you and, well, I'll have a dot, dot, dot, and I'll put in various comics. We have some other childhood disappointments. John Hopkins makes me sound quite shallow. Come on in, John. Yeah, exactly. Welcome.

Welcome to the show. We do things differently here. Makes me sound quite shallow, but unequivocally, it's the maze at Thorpe Park. Okay. I'm liking John already for several reasons. I love the admission of the shallowness. He definitely got'm liking John already for several reasons. I love the admission of the shallowness.

He definitely got you on unequivocally. Oh, he had me on unequivocally. Went on a school trip, been looking forward to the maze for months. Arrived, and he speaks like Tom Chance.

Yeah, he does, yeah. Arrived, found it on the map, ran straight there. It didn't have any sides. It was a path. For four months... What?

..I'd coveted a path. I didn't have any... It was 2D. A 2D maze. Like you get in the Beano. Yeah, it was a 2D maze. Oh, that is... And then John Hopkins ends his missive with one, with final two words, a path full stop.

I love you, John Hopkins. Oh, man, that is terrible. A 2D maze. I mean, why is that? I think it's cost saving on the bloke that sits on the tennis umpire chair in the middle with a megaphone saying, to the left, sir, to the left. You know, they used to have those people who helped you out of mazes. We also have Karen Oldfield realising that if I dried my loopy loo doll's hair

in front of the open coal fire, she melted. Oh, no. And turned into a loopy sideo doll's hair in front of the open coal fire she melted and turned into a loopy side face doll instead also loopy loo oh that's a horror that i couldn't see that being a heartbreak thing and i think that would probably lead to terrible hygiene issues in later life some deeper part of you thinking that you might melt if you looked after yourself, kept yourself clean. That's a few of her friends thinking, oh, well, that's cleared the hell up.

I'm joking. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you a thing that happened to me this week? My partner had a bit of a turn, and so we got a doctor in. She's fine now. We got a doctor in, and the doctor came to the house, sat down, because they can come now, you know.

They can come now. He sat down, and my son has a whoopee cushion, which he likes putting under cushions. He subscribes to the Beano. It's inevitable. So the doctor sat down and this terrible sound of wind. I believe it's called a real Bronx cheer. Is that what it's called?

Yes. That's what it used to say on the marketing. It says it on it, yeah. Well, it's, yeah, it's, so that happened. The Bronx cheer. And I said, oh, my son's got a whoopee and all that. So after, I said, oh God, that was so embarrassing. And Kath said to me,

I think doctors are fine with that sort of thing. Yeah. What a marvellous summary of the medical profession. That's why we've got them. That's why we should be out there applauding. That they're all right with that sort of thing. Very tolerant, I find. It just made me wonder if kids still do that stuff like we did at school.

I think health and safety would have stopped. You know the thing like kneeling behind a kid and another kid pushing him and him falling over you on the floor. I keep thinking they're going to do it at free kicks nowadays because you do get a footballer who does the sort of draft excluder thing, lies on the floor. And I always think they're going to push him over, aren't they? Well, I'm assuming the stink bomb, which I was a tremendous fan of.

It came in a little glass vial. They were sturdy pranks. They really did get on your chest. Awful. And they were sort of like a medieval apothecary. You know, they were lovely little glass bottle, beautifully fashioned they were. You sort of hope that they might have been used

in conjunction with the Bronx cheer. Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah, then you've got a sort of all-round experience, like censure round. Very good. I mean, things, I mean, things like the dead leg has become something now you hear referred to in professional football.

Oh, he's out this week with a dead leg. We used to walk it off in the course of morning playtime. What was dead leg? You were tougher back then. You just put a knee into that muscle just above the side of the knee. How rude. And it's sort of...

Yeah, is it a quad? Thanks. There's a muscle man. What a surprise. And it's sort of semi-paralytic, which is how I spent most of the 80s. Absolute radio. Yeah.

Well, if you're involved in, if you're at school or if you're a school teacher, what are the pranks? What's the new pranks? And do any of the old pranks still exist? 8, 12, 15. This is real radio. The Frank Skinner Show.

Challenging but never deliberately obscure. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. but never deliberately obscure. Frank, we've had some missives in regarding huge childhood disappointments, haven't we, Al? This was, in case you just tuned in, I was saying my son was in tears this week because Harry Kane's leaving Spurs and he's taken all his Harry Kane posters down off his wall. Within, literally within about five minutes of hearing the news.

So we were talking about what childhood disappointments you recall. I don't think anyone else has duplicated my finding out that the character Adam Cartwright in Bonanza wore a wig. It seems to have passed everyone else by. I think the fact that you said it was probably a good thing, otherwise we would have had a tsunami of text messages about it. We'd have been inundated with Adam Cartwright material. Art right.

Material. We've also had Jason has got in touch, age 10, finding out from my amateur wrestler dad that WWF is fake. That's not real, son. Then he proceeded to show me real wrestling. Which is? As Jason describes, double pain. Yeah, real wrestling now.

When you see the Greco-Roman wrestling, you can see why they came up with made-up wrestling. On what grounds? It's not a great spectator event, the Greco-Roman. There's often not a lot of movement in it. There's nobody that comes on dressed as a horse and shouts at the audience. There's no Lord Bertie Topham

who was a local character when I used to go to the wrestling at Thimble Mill Baths. I must have mentioned him before, but he had this great idea of how to wind up the crowd. So he would wear a monocle and a top hat and have a bottle

I bring in the thing and he would he got his number and he would and he would this is a the thimble mill

baths in Smedwick he would go I think I can smell working class people I thought man

if you want to guarantee you wind it up a crowd Lord Bertie Topham where is he now

that's a good texting he's probably hanging out with Jacob Jacob Rhys-Morgan and Nanny and William

what about when I had to interview Jacob Rhys-Morgan the first thing I was meant to do a serious interview

and the first thing I asked was Jacob how's Nanny he said do you know she's actually What about when I had to interview Jacob Rees-Mogg and the first thing, I was meant to do a serious interview and the first thing I asked was, Jacob, how's Nanny? I love her. He said, you know, she's actually doing rather well. Billy Bud 23, never mastering diving, being in a group of shame, doing kneeling dives instead.

Lined up on the edge, one by one, we plopped into the water gracelessly. Oh, no. You could fix that in adulthood, though, with a little bit of... You could. You could fix the diving, but you can never fix the line-up. You can't fix the shame.

No, no. That'll live forever. I think we're operating in a thing now where you can't fail. Is that policy still in the schools? Yeah. Is it? I'm a big fan of you can't fail. I'm often trying to talk audiences into it at my gigs.

Yes. And? Faye, stink bombs are still very much a thing. Are they really? That's good news, isn't it? What? I wonder if there's anything that one shouldn't be inhaling in a stink bomb. Oh, undoubtedly.

Yeah. It's a very unique smell. I don't know if I've... I think there used to be a thing in the science lab called ammonium hydroxide. Oh, yeah. Which had got a... Actually, that was more uncleaned boys' toilets kind of a... Oh, I don't recall that.

Ammonia... Oh, hydroxide. Yeah, it really used to get in your eyes, if you know what I mean. I'll tell you about the time I was tear gassed in Memphis. Extraordinary, I think. That's tell you about the time I was tear gassed in Memphis. Extraordinary. Didn't I tell you about it before you wanted to tell on her? No, you know, I've never heard a beginning to a story like that. You know, I was tear gassed and I was thinking,

God, my eyes, my eyes. But it gets your throat more than your eyes. It's really, I hate to tell you but tear gas quite unpleasant experience that was one of my adult um disappointments i thought it was going to be fun i thought it'd be like laughing with tears i want you to do a sort of question like overrated frank skinner overrated tear gas the trouble is with uhotes that begin, did I ever tell you about when I was tear gassed in Memphis? Is that the rest of the story can never live up to the opener. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Lots of you have. Thank you so much. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I'll leave it then. We've been asking people for their disappointments from childhood. Not major ones that they won't get over, just little ones that have got a get over just uh you know little ones that have got a bit of bounce back ability ones that have a bit of uh you know bubble for our breakfast radio vibe yeah not desperately dark ones no 299 has just texted uh age seven i cried when i got told one day i would be a, quote, teenager. I was terrified of them, still am. That's from Lily.

Wow. I can see that. Yeah, I think I looked forward to it myself. Did you? Yeah, I think it was the exhilaration of completely destroying a bus stop with a homburg concrete. That you looked forward to? Yeah.

And then enjoyed, yeah. I'm not saying I ever did it, but it's what teenagers did in those days. That's before they got more sensible, started caring about the planet and all that. Teenagers, yeah. Yeah. Is this progress we have to ask ourselves?

I think it's progress. Come on. No. Come on. How? How that? You were asking for pranks if they happen, I think it's progress. Come on. No. Come on. I think we have to ask. Ow. Ow, that. You were asking for pranks if they happen, and 001, 001, who, you know...

001? Yeah, I don't know what he does for a living. He's the man in charge. Hi, guys. Malk from Leicester. Oh, then there's some praise. School pranks. We used to slip a drawing pin on a chair that someone was about to sit on.

That sounds quite violent, actually, to me. It is violent, but that is a prank, surely, from the 18th century. I don't know when the drawing pin was invented, but I think it might be why it was invented, and then it was developed to be used up for posters. Very dangerous things. Nowadays, people put a bit of Blu-Tack under them when they're about to sit down.

Oh, yeah. Or the real Bronx cheer. Just trap them to the chair. Yeah. I've got to say, I was the real Bronx cheer artist in my family. Were you really? I was, yeah. If ever my dad had someone round that I knew he wanted to impress? Out came

the Bronx cheer. Yeah I must have been. When you said the Bronx cheer it meant nothing. I don't think Boz's whoopee cushions have got Bronx cheer on them. No they won't say that anymore. That would be the original copyright. Brian says mum buying me a pair of Clark's attackers

when all the cool kids were wearing Adidas kick. That was. You don't of Clark's Attackers when all the cool kids were wearing Adidas kick. You don't want Clark's Attackers. That was tricky when you turned up in what we used to call Tesco Levi's. Yeah, and monkey boots instead of docks.

But you know, that's poverty. You can't live with it. You can live without it, I've discovered. It's actually fine. It's poverty. You can't live with it. You can live without it, I've discovered. It's actually fine. It's better. It's actually better than living with it. Late review.

Yeah. That's what I found. You know, at the time, it didn't seem so bad. But looking back now, I'm... We have Ben L referring to... Ben L sounds like someone from Krypton. Carry on. Ben L sounds like someone from Krypton carry on Ben L

has talking about one of a contemporary prank yesterday a pupil in my class handed me a folded piece of paper Neville Chamberlain that said open me I opened the paper up

and inside it read haha you just let a piece of paper tell you what to do. Not sure if the same, not sure if it has the same dramatic impact as the old pranks. It's a strange political

authoritarian prank, isn't it? I thought it was going to have, you know those sort of those things that to be like a butterfly and you wind it round and round and round and put it in a book and when you open it you know those i thought it was going to be one of those but no it was playing the mind games now the children it was a quote from 1984. i'd be very angry at the insolence I let a great many pieces of paper tell me what to do

I'm pleased to say that I heard that and thought no I wouldn't open that well exactly but you do let, you must let some pieces of paper tell you what to do yeah on occasion you've got to look for that local cat

that's gone missing what gets me about that is I might look for that local cat that's gone missing. I mean, can't be. What gets me about that is I might be looking for a cat that's already returned and they couldn't be bothered to take the signs down. That's a piece of paper telling you what to do. It happens all the time. Says a child who's never paid tax. Come on. The producer holds them up for me and says, shut up. Well, that's a coincidence.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, what else? Well, actually, I have something that I'd like to bring to your attention, Frank. We occasionally on this show discussed the possibility of us one day buying a pair of pyjamas together and going halves on them

because, if I'm not mistaken, you sleep in just pyjama top and I sometimes sleep in just pyjama bottoms. Well, I'll be honest with you. I no longer just sleep in a pyjama, Jackie. Well, I should be honest with you and say that I sometimes wear a pyjama top or a T-shirt. Yeah, I mean, I don't need that kind of lightning access anymore. Goodness me.

So I actually wear quite a lot in bed. I often, when I watch the Brits, I see quite a lot of people on stage at the Brits who wear less than I wear in bed. Oh, yeah. I suppose you'd like to... While we're delving

neath the sheets... Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Perhaps you'd like to know what I wear. Well, I wouldn't ask, but as you if you're offering it up.

Well, I... Is it a negligee? Filthy beast. Okay. I tend to really favour a mash-up. I'll see how the mood takes me. Mm-hmm. I've got high-end stuff, don't get me wrong. I'm sure of that. But

sometimes I'm in a promotional t-shirt mode. Oh yes, Jack Daniels. Oh yeah, good example though of exactly what people wear in bed. Well funnily enough I had in the same family, Al,

of the Jack Daniels, I had an Aperol Spritz T-shirt. Did you? Now, I don't drink alcohol. I don't promote it. But that's why I wear it to bed. Do you sleep in it? I sleep in it. I only sleep in it now.

I've slept in it many a time. You slept in Aperol Spr. You've slept in that for all spring. It's been processed. That was in my terrible drinking days when I slept, what one might call, on Golden Pond. You had a white spirits t-shirt.

But I sometimes, Frank, I've also got a fleecy koala motif pyjama. Oh, one of those. Koala face. Snoggling. Don't call me that. Yeah.

It's not his fault he forgot to shave. And they've all got chlamydia, of course, koalas. Oh. They have. It comes with, it's a disease that they all carry. It's all right. Producers are anxious, but you can say it's fine. It's natural history.

Okay, well, I'm just saying I might burn the... I don't like the sound of that. Did you say it isn't true, Al? No, I said it is true. Yeah, I've seen it on... What's the name of that bloke who traps animals so they can be filmed tearing each other? Oh, David Attenborough.

Attenborough, I've seen it on there, yeah. Anyway, that's what I wear. And sometimes I have a rose print pyjama. Well, here's the thing. For children. It's for age 14 to 16 M&S. And you can get into that. I don't think post-lockdown I can. I'm going to have to, yeah.

You see, my son wears themed pyjamas, you know, so he's got, like, Harry Potter pyjamas and stuff. Why don't they have those? Can I get those for, you know, as an adult thing? Could I get some themed pyjamas that would fit me? Well, this is why... I think you probably could. I go, I find the M&S, the children are getting bigger.

At the age 16, it fits a grown woman. I quite like themed pajamas. Doctor Who? I was thinking Hairy Bikers. Oh, I like the Hairy Bikers. What do you reckon? Synod of Whitby. Where's me Synod of Whitby pajamas?

Can you get Venerable bead pyjamas? Yeah, well, it's a similar... Bead pyjamas sound really uncomfortable. I think you should be able... Unless you're an Uber driver. Good for the bath. Frank, you should be able to choose your own... Like, I'd like Cardinal Walsley themed pyjamas.

But why can't I have things like, can I get things like, you know, John Wayne pyjamas or stuff like that for me? Anyone out there knows about this? Can you get grown-up themed pyjamas for men? This sounds like I've phoned up Woolworths or something rather than spoken to a nation. We'll see what happens. Well, we're discussing nightwear.

Yeah, we were discussing sleepwear, and I feel like we should explain somewhat why I brought it up because we got really bogged down in novelty pyjamas for adults, didn't we, Frank? Sorry. Well, you did. Yeah, Frank did. Something I don't actually like, that's all I'm saying. There's a report out that apparently your sleepwear says a lot about you from a clinical psychologist.

I say a clinical psychologist. I say clinical psychologist. It's someone who's working for a mattress online firm. Well, you know, clinical psychologists now, I think like everybody, they've got to take their work where they can get it. Yeah, we've all been compromised. Exactly. It's like a corporate for a clinical psychologist.

I take the check. Even scientists, everyone's been compromised yeah apparently different and different outfits in beds say different things about you like you know if you if you wear button down pajamas you're organized I can hear lucky barking yeah. Yeah. Can you? Yeah. Get lucky, will you? Bottom-down pyjamas? That doesn't mean like bottom-down collars. They're like flannel. No, it's not a butterfly collar you're thinking of.

We're talking about the flannel, just the concept. Butterfly collar is different from a bottom-down, isn't it? Oh, tell me about fashion. Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I'll tell you about men's fashion, maybe. Frank. Do you remember pear drop collars? No, I don't. No, exactly.

No, me neither. They sound quite religious. No, no, they were quite 70s. Frank, we're talking just about a pyjama with a button motif. OK, so that standard, what would have been in the old days, candy stripe flannel, and now can be many things. So that standard, what would have been in the old days, candy stripe flannel and now can be many things. I'm going to go Top Cat.

Yeah. Yeah. He sits in the pyjama chair. With monogram? Well, there's a picture in the article of a very, very beautiful woman wearing her pyjamas

and I think they basically suit her a lot. What's going on? I don't think you've ever gone down this road. I don't know if we can even acknowledge that women can be very beautiful. In pyjamas? Is that the bit that's problematic? No, I just don't think you can say women are beautiful anymore.

I'm more interested. She's swinging. Is that better? No, you can't say that. I. I'm more interested. She's ringing. Is that better? No, you can't say that. I have no problem with it. She just has to exist. I have no problem with you finding her attractive. What I find strange is it just seems a strange choice of crush

and love rival for Mrs Cockrell, the catalogue model for the sleepwear. Do you remember, I was, the last time I spoke about someone being an attractive woman on here was the woman in the walking bath advert. And there you have the difference between us. What a very attractive woman walking into that bath. She had a one-piece bathing suit on, don't get me wrong. It was a legitimate advert, but I thought, well, very lovely. And so much my catchment area.

Wait till you see the woman in the She Knows Help Is On Its Way advert. I don't know what that is. It's the alarm. Oh, of course. Yes, yes. She knows Frank is on his way. The alarm's going... This is the alarm.

All right, Ida! Yeah, there you go. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing what your sleepwear says about you and it says in the article naked sleepers are more likely to be at an age of contentment

or a stage of intoxication. I have to say, not deliberately, but I've managed to avoid what I might call contentment my whole life. Yes, I say that's true. Yeah.

Who is which person in the public eye is a victim of contentment? 8, 12, 15. Ooh. I'm going to go

Titchbark. I'm not sure what that will do. You know what I mean though? It sounds contentment. You've stopped then haven't though? It sounds contentment. You've stopped then, haven't you? You've just stopped. You may as well go to the I Have Given Up shop.

Yeah, well, you don't even go in there. You're sleeping naked. Can I talk about naked sleepers? Go on, go on. Now, I'm a fan of the social nudist, OK? Are you? Hear me out. I love a naked bike rider.

Oh, yeah, me too. Big fan of a naturist. They seem a gentle, benign people. As a rule, the naked sleeper is an entirely different beast. There's something dissolute about these people. There's something unsavoury about them. Do you think? I can't expect...

There's just something that feels a little bit, I'm so cool, I'm too cool for pyjamas. Is it a bit like not having a television? Yeah, they're a bit cigar smoker of the year. Oh, cigar smoker of the year, that's a different breed altogether. Yeah, they'd have a Harley Davidson outside. I like that in the daily...

Black Sass in sheets. I think I like this guy. In the Daily Mail article, they used the word stalkers. Did they? I think you have to pay money to Talbot Rothwell's estate if you use the word. Talbot Rothwell wrote the Carry On

films. I haven't heard the word. Talbot Rothwell wrote the Carry On films. I haven't heard the word stark as used for a long time. Absolutely stark as he was. I always think sleeping fully naked will be good in the event of the intruder, because they're going to back out pretty rapido if the homeowner is attacking them. Speak for yourself. Yeah.

What do you make of them, Frank, the naked sleeper? Well, it doesn't... I've never slept naked on my own except in those very, very hot snaps. Let's go! You know those when it's like 36 degrees and sometimes you just have to? No, never.

When it's really hot and people pretend they like you. You know that thing? Because it makes them sound like party people. But really, we all hate you when it's above about 26. But this is what I mean about the naked sleeper. They're of that breed, I feel, the I'm a party person. Yeah, maybe you're right. No, you're not.

Does anyone sleep in a nightcap anymore because when you scrooge but that's it but when did that stop what about that for a texting when did the nightcap go out of fashion who is the last who sits in the chair we wille Willie Winky and... What is a childhood character, Frank? Will you back me up? Stan Laurel sometimes. Wee Willie Winky's a character for me. Wee Willie Winky, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Scrooge. My three crushes.

Yeah, you're right. But there must be people out there who sleep in some sort of headgear. If there is, please let us know on 81215. I mean, you get the odd hairnet. Women used to sleep in over rollers or something like that. Yeah. Do women still sleep in those face pack things?

You know those people used to slap on masses of stuff before they went to bed it's all make up dear oh man if we've got

anyone listening who sleeps in a hat I'd be really happy to hear that maybe the edge the edge will phone up Dave Stewart

Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Dave Stewart. What I liked about the story about the sleepwear is that none of the clothes that we wear in bed can be called bedclothes. Because bedclothes... It's like the bed got in very early with the domain name. Bought the domain name, like, you know, in the 90s. And so you can't call them,

even though they're screaming to be called bedclothes because they're clothes we wear in bed. But now that's sheets and all that. Oh, they stole bedding and bedclothes. Was there a sort of the concept of the bed jacket? There was, yes. It's a sort of cardi, isn't it? Yeah.

My sister, I think, wore a crocheted bit. It says in this article, it says, some people sleep in socks to save time. Yeah, I didn't quite get that. No, I sleep in a shroud to save time. To save time. I don't want to put anyone to any bother, do you know what I mean? I'm just, I'm ready to go.

You sleep in Poet's Corner to save time. Exactly. Can I say while we're on that subject, the Frank's Poetry Podcast, which is absolutely brilliant, so you need to get involved, it's the new series has just, as the kids say, dropped. Dropped. Yes.

Oh, all right. Okay. I was trying to make it all trendy with dropped, and then you did that. Yes. Oh, all right. All right, OK. I mean, I was trying to make it all trendy with Dropped, and then you did that. Sorry, but yes. But you must listen to it. It's absolutely brilliant. It was a big online queue.

You know, like you used to see in London when the trainer drops were happening. There was a big online one of those for the podcast. Oh, yes. It was outside Westminster Happy, I believe. Yeah. An online queue what next anyway can i say something about this article which um as something i i've never quite got and that is the dressing gown oh here we go no it goes on about the dressing gown it says

the people wear it as an envelope of protection it said in the article i did not get that yeah well i mean as a catholic that put me off it straight away but um i my big question about the dress i've got a couple of really well three really nice i've got a monogrammed one which was presented to me by ITV. I've got an 11th Doctor dressing gown, themed dressing gown. Okay. And I've got a nice one I bought back from New Mexico. And I've never worn any of them maybe more than twice in 20 years. Because when?

When do I wear it? Yeah. I don't know, but the fact that you're trying to boast about having three dressing gowns, some people have got a Ferrari, love. I know, but I get up, I get dressed,

and then, like, I have to shower. Drag a comb across your head, make your way downstairs. Yeah, exactly. But at what point, if I get up and have a shower and get dressed, and then,

when does, when does, do I wear it? No, you don't wear it then. You don't wear it? What would happen is you would get up, pop the dressing gown on, maybe do your teeth, go downstairs, have breakfast, and flick through the paper, and then go back up, and then the shower process begins. I'm not going back up there.

Oh, OK. Not until it's cleared a little. In that case, you haven't got a gap. You're not. You haven't got a gap. No. Unless you get a world title fighter. Simply the best.

What about those people that sleep in a blindfold? You know they sleep in those airline blindfolds? Every time I've put one of them on, I've imagined the Lone Ranger phoning the company and saying, yeah, look, I've bought these masks. Yeah, a bit of a cross wire, I think. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Alan Cochran. We have a motif on the show which people text us. They're just texting the number 81215. It's great. Or you can follow us on social media, notably Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can use the old traditional email

and that happens via the Absolute Radio website. I thought I'd try and make it a bit more human, the announcement. Do you think? No, I like it. I like that. I thought we should do human radio for some time. Yeah, it's not much of it about, I must say. We're talking about sleepwear on Absolute Radio this morning,

and Steve Burgess, I just thought I'd throw this in because he's got in touch to say, I think John Darling of the Disney Peter Pan film wears a top hat with a nightgown. Oh! But I don't think he slept in it. He had a, there was something of the re-smog as opposed to the night.

Lord Snooty, I feel The thing is, if you were going to sleep in a top hat you'd want sort of an under-chin strap to keep it in place when you're in bed, wouldn't you? It'd be uncomfortable though, wouldn't it? I think it would I wish my family surname had been Darling It would have saved us so much time

Exactly Another thing that it says in the article is that people who sleep in a full tracksuit and a beanie are skint. That's what it says. No, I'm just kidding. Pretending that they didn't have money for the heating or new pyjamas.

Oh, my God. It was me, God. It was nothing to drag it down into an urban nightmare. That's my way. No, it's true. You don't normally drag it down into Urban Nightmare. That's my way. I know, it's true. But you don't normally drag it down. You start there.

Yeah, I start at Urban Nightmare and then move. Can I say something with you both? Can I say something with you both? Terrible. Yes, you may say something with us both. No, no, it was very inarticulate. You saying something with us both is basically how the show works surely

don't show them the work in it don't take the back off the pocket watch yeah but who says can I say something with you both unless they're four I mean please there was a lack of eloquence that was shameful oh come now stop putting yourself down I don't want that to be the eloquence

in the room beautiful can I say something with you both Stop putting yourself down. I don't want that to be the eloquence in the room. Oh, beautiful. Can I say something with you both? I want to talk about the robe because one of the things I loved traditionally about the hotel stay was the access to the fluffy, fresh, toweling robe with the hood.

It was very cadfile, does a spa break. Do you steal them or do you leave them there? Oh, no. This is what I need to tell you. I've noticed that increasingly, when you get to a hotel, I mean, it's been a while, but I've noticed they've substituted the toweling robe dressing gown for the waffle

and I will have no truck with a waffle robe they are stolen less, they are the robe less travelled you see I'm in the same dilemma I arrive, I see a big fluffy robe in the hotel. I think, great, I'll never wear it because I don't know when.

Where's my robe window? What, you never wear the fluffy robe? Oh, we don't want to know about your robe window. No. At my age, you need one, I'm afraid. Sorry. No, but when do you wear it in the hotel, even? When don't I wear it?

If you're going for a treatment. When don't I wear it? You'll go down to breakfast in it. Oh, no, I don't want to be those people sitting there waiting for their treatment in a robe. How unfortunate. Frank, honestly, when don't I wear it? When I check in, part of that checking in is the robe.

It's understood that I will disrobe when I arrive. I'm in that robe at all times in the hotel room. Really? Is that when you go upstairs to freshen up? Are you one of those people? Do you not, for example, picture this. You're in your hotel room, you've woken up. Maybe Buzz is doing something

and you and Kath have had a nice lie-in together. Would you not think, what a sort of room service, darling? I'm on it, it'd sense something. Another reason I've never gone away with you, Alan. Only if I'm with one of the darling family. And then you both, in your robes, sit there having a lovely leisurely breakfast.

What do you think we are? Jaffa cakes enrobed in chocolate? No, I never, there's no, why I've got clothes on by that stage. What do you breakfast in then? I breakfast, well, I never breakfast in my room because I like looking at people. And it's included, Al.

And of course, I like being recognised. So I go downstairs to be, hoping there'll be some fawning. Oh, God, I got through it all right. But no, there's no, I don't, when I leave a hotel room, the robe is always there. You know the very, very tight belt, the way they hang them up?

Like the 19th century lady. Yeah, still hanging there untouched. And I always think, oh, I'd have loved the robe. There's never a moment. I've been dragged over the coals in the interval by Madam Dean about the dressing gown. Madam Darling, I'm changing my name by deed poll. With the sort of, but you must wear a dressing gown. I just find it, all I said to him, readers,

was I found it a bit odd that he would not have an opportunity. For example, I just suggested maybe he said, oh, you know, I don't have breakfast in my room. And I suggested that maybe he might come back, watch a cyborg documentary and have a hot chocolate on the bed. Because I think it's weird, it's gross to do that in a suit, watch the telly. You're right. What did you say? I said if during a tour, let's say, I've never tried to work this out, but let's say for the sake of easiness, I spend 100 hours in an hotel room,

I would be surprised if I have the telly on for a whole hour. I almost never put the telly on in hotels, very occasionally. It's OK, you don't wear robes, you don't put the telly on. Not the Count of Monte Cristo. What are you doing in there? I'm just, you know, reading quietly. I'm going to guess it's reading, playing ukulele and press-ups. Well, ukulele can be tricky in hotel rooms. You don't want someone knocking on the door and saying...

Complaining. Yeah, was that when I'm cleaning windows or something like that? Or can I... Would you order a room service, Frank? Yes, pardon? Do you not order a room service then? I occasionally have room service, but I would... Would I put the telly on then? No, I don't.

I do this thing... You know, I've said this before. If I'm waiting for someone, like in a restaurant, I'll just stare. I'll sit... Everyone else gets their phones out, and people will look at you and think... You just know they're thinking, there's a weird bloke.

Get in there, just staring, just sitting there. Why doesn't he... Why isn't he on his phone? I just like to just sit like that. But I can tell people are disturbed by it. No, fascinating creature you are. Thank you so much. You sounded a bit clinically fascinating. I thought it was an element of pillow talk to it.

What a fascinating creature. Oh, Pierre. Robes Pierre. Oh, come on. Can we go into music now? Because I don't think we can follow that. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We have been, or we've been receiving all sorts Al haven't we? From the outside world Yes We've got many plates spinning 415 has suggested favourite place to dead leg somebody we're talking about dead legs both in football

and school favourite place to dead leg somebody was Buckingham Palace guard room just before hearing Deadleg Somebody, we were talking about deadlegs both in football and school. Favourite place to deadleg somebody was Buckingham Palace Guard Room just before hearing Quick March as we went out to Mount Guard. I'm assuming Mount Guard is a thing rather than an action. Is that what that red stripe's for on the trousers? I think so. The deadleg plimsoll line, as it were. Wow.

Almost like where the headache pain is shown on adverts. Yeah, exactly. You've just got to get it, just get it in the red line, that's the important thing. Keep out of the black

and in the red. There's no room in this game for two in a bed. Exactly. That's not what I've heard. That's the dead leg rule in the guards room. Out the black

and in the red. We've also heard from the tea cake man oh yeah it sounds like he might have had a have you seen the tea cake man the tea cake man the tea cake man let me guess his address is it Drury Lane

sounds quite carby for Emily to be honest yes a bit carby also my family was more the iceman, the Iceman comer. Oh, yes. Someone said they had, this is from the Tea Cake Man, childhood disappointments. Someone said they'd seen the Rag Man and we sat on the pavement for hours

waiting with old clothes for him. He never arrived in our street. Oh. I thought you were going to say Rag and Bone Man went past. What do you think he drives? I'm thinking New Mini. Because I don't think he's the sort of guy

to have a really super fancy car. I think he's a bit feet on the... Doesn't the current Pope have a Fiat Panda XL rather than the old fashioned big ostentatious Popemobile I don't know but I wonder if there's anyone who might know Jane Ostentatious

Does the Pope Frank, has the Pope passed his driving test? That's a good question Yes he can drive but he turned down a lot of the fancier aspects you know the last Pope used to wear red Prada slippers.

I'm not going to lie, he was my kind of guy. Yes, he was strict though. Again, very much my kind of guy, but that's another story. But whereas Francis has eschewed, if you'll forgive the pun, the red Prada slippers and lots of the other finery that goes. I mean, he lives at the Vatican, so, you know, he's not exactly in a shack.

Still not slumming it. No, no. Does he pay for that? Has he paid for the Vatican? Yeah, does he pay rent? No. No, no, he gets that come to the job. Grace and Fiver. Does the Pope get the money?

Grace and Fiver, I think, is very good at it. Does the Pope get a salary? I don't, I think he's very good at. Does the Pope get a salary? I don't think he gets a salary, no. Okay. Oh, I really don't. I could be wrong, though. I mean, I'm still not totally sure whether footballers get paid for playing for England or not. That's a great question.

They get a cap, though, don't they? I don't think they get a cap anymore. What? Oh, no. I know. I know. Do footballers get paid for

playing for England? They used to not. They used to get expenses. I've got Gary Lineker's number

so we are texting. They used to get individual caps like these silk caps with a gold tassel on every time they

got and then they got for one season you'd get one cap with all the games you'd played that season to save money on the velvet. This was during the great velvet shortage of the

1980s. Caused largely by the mod. The mods got through a lot of it in the 60s. And then, I'm not sure they get caps at all now, but you know what? I think they get a snapback now. Oh, I hope not.

Do you know... Sonweiser, with the three lions on. Oh. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I wondered if it would be appropriate for us to have a little look at previously on this show. We occasionally get missives from the outside world bringing our attention to perhaps a thing that we talked about a week or two before. Yeah, I like that. It gives it a fabulous sense of continuity.

Well, I don't know if you remember just a few weeks ago or possibly even last week, we were discussing posh people and how to distinguish them from others. And last week we were discussing posh people and how to distinguish them from others. And we had an email in from Michael in Barnsley. Hello. You should prick up your ears here a little bit, Frank Skinner. Yeah. Hello, Frank and Co. I just had to message in and congratulate Frank on one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

My goodness. Let's just leave it at that. When you said that a gilet was the very opposite of a coat of arms, a genius line, which didn't get the recognition it deserved from Adam and Emily. And what you've got to accept is there's a good deal of bitterness

within the team. I'm sure I clapped that line because I thought it was very strong. I'm sure you did. it was me that was bitter Yes Well I've got to say I think Emily's robes Pierre today a combination, a juxtaposition

of two themes we've just been discussing the robe I mean it was, like I said I stopped the show I didn't think anything I think it needed a certain amount of respect. Yeah. I'll give you a poetry reference for yourself there.

Admittedly, a very commercial, well-known one, popularised by Richard Curtis. But, you know, yeah. Sean McAndrew, Frank. Now, relative of Nell McAndrew, page three model, turned charity runner. Was she charity runner? Mm-hmm.

She did a lot of work in the 90s, I remember. If it was sort of prune week, it would be Nell McAndrew you'd see with the yellow T-shirt with the prune motif. But she always seemed like one of the nicer glamour models. You know, she didn't look like she was just in it for the fat millionaire. She looked like a nice girl who just happened to fall into that line of work. Yeah.

I say that line of work! You know. It's like a fallen woman. I was just thinking of you promotional. But you know, we all lapse into stereotypes and we think maybe the glamour model is not going to be someone who we want to chat to but um she always seemed very nice of course as i've told you before when i met lucy pinder and and asked her her ambition and she said to hold a chimpanzee i love that about

lucy pin i think that shows the kind of uh you know, fabulousness you can find in that community. I love a bit of pinder. Did you hear something? Sean McAndrew. What I might call the topless community. Okay. Sean McAndrew. Yeah, anyway. Has got in touch.

Yeah. To, I think we were talking about how to spot someone posh. And Sean McAndrew says, how to spot someone posh? Very simple answer. An 80s hairstyle. Oh, yes. You know what? It's simple to the point, but effective.

Yes, that's very good indeed. Yes. You like that, Frank? A dear posh thing. Do you remember, I go back to Jay Cabris, Mark. There was a shot of him sitting in the House of Commons and he sort of put his feet up on the chair. Is he supine like Jeremy Kyle?

But the way it just looked like someone who thinks, I can sit like this wherever I like. I have the right. And it was a very simple thing. But just to be able to really put your feet up in the House of Commons. Wow. It was the body language of entitlement. It doesn't seem, if you stand back from it,

a House of Commons doesn't sound like a place where Jacob Rees-Mogg ought to be frequenting. But, you know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we've been talking someone just got in touch I say someone

it was Michael from Barnsley oh yes Michael Parkinson seems like a Barnsley type maybe Michael Parkinson's son made from coal.

I've got a new mug, by the way. Faye, our assistant producer, dropped my TARDIS mug, but it's been replaced with a fabulous Mark E. Smith mug. When you say dropped, thanks for that, Faye. So, Michael from Barnsley pointed out some fine work you'd done

last week that had gone insufficiently recognised by myself and Alan you referred to a gilet

as being the opposite of a coat of arms yes it's not just Michael we've now had other

members of the public getting in touch Tina Piper this is a bit like the Eurovision song contest We've now had other members of the public getting in touch. Tina Piper. This is a bit like the Eurovision song contest. Tina Piper is, I'm going to say, up in arms. Oh, good.

Totally agree with your listener. That joke was genius. Come on, bring it on. A gilet is the exact opposite of a coat of arms. Is she repeating the joke? I mean, I don't want more people to get in touch about this, OK? No, no, but thank you. You've gone out on a limb there. Thanks.

Thanks, Tina. Now we'll get a load of letters saying i thought that out on a limb joke was absolute rubbish no i do a lot of work on our sister channel absolute rubbish they should have absolute rubbish and you'd feel you could really relax on there listener expectation would not be too high. You'd feel you can get on there and relax and try things. Yeah, absolutely. Not like the strictly regimented show we put together.

Exactly. The tightened corset of a show which we must endure. Well, also, we've got all our writers to pay as well. I have to say, I'm quite excited about Eurovision tonight. Are you? What, with a man? What time's the man on, then? What do you mean, James Newman?

Oh, OK. I don't really get parochial, but I just like... There was a Ukraine song where the woman's got this incredible sort of... ..type voice. That narrows it down. I like that. What year was that? No, this type voice i like that what year was that no this this what do you do you like the videos then what the videos of people walking along the coast

yeah the canal well i do quite like them because there's much less personal tragedy in the eurovision song contest than there is in Britain's Got Talent or something. A lot of television shows, they relish in the mawkish, don't they? Yeah. They love all that stuff. There was an interview

the other night and a guy really crowbarred in a death in the family and I thought, you're on the wrong show, mate. That might have worked in as a boy, John's Got Talent,

but we don't want it here. This is fun night. No. This is... Fun night. It here. This is fun night. No, this is, it is, it is, exactly. Come on,

let's, it's Eurovision tonight. Yes. Let's celebrate it with this. I've got to be honest, there's nothing that good in the semis. But maybe the big five, maybe the big five will come up with something. there's nothing that good in the semis. But maybe the big five, maybe the big five will come up with something.

Frank, there's nothing that good in life. No, no. So anyway, ended on a slightly bitter sweet note. Slightly bitter note. So I'm going to say it. Don't forget you can download Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast. I like the use of the third person. Wherever you use to get your podcasts. The first episode of Series 3 is out now forget you can download Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast, I like the use of the third person, wherever you

usually get your podcasts. The first episode of Series 3 is out now and there'll be a new episode on Wednesday. I know you're thinking, I don't,

I'm not, but you'd be surprised. It's fabulous. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, thanks for listening today and if the good Lord

spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Listen, the creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.