The Frank Skinner Show - Romanian Ham

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank has concerns about tan lines and questions about minicabs. The team also discuss the Coughing Major and Sir Paul McCartney’s late review.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now, we are not live, so do not text the show, please. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the absolute radio website so all that is still you know functional hello guys hello hello hello i just because obviously i can't see you it there is a little little sparkle happens on the left ventricle of my heart when you reply because they're there they're there So many things can go wrong.

Well, it's lovely to hear you. So away, Frank. Yes. I tell you what it makes me feel like doing the show like this. For those of you who don't know how we, I am literally sitting hunched over my linen basket with a laptop and a microphone. And I feel like, do you remember you used to see those in films

there was a bloke somewhere in africa um like a sweaty white guy somewhere in africa in khakis and he was on it like a shortwave radio trying to get through to someone in uh in zimbabwe or something like that for help. That's what it feels like. It feels like one of those radio hams or whatever you would call them. Except for the John Lewis laundry basket. Yeah, but you know what? I think it might actually be a John Lewis.

Did you recognise that from the photo or was that just your instinct? I think she's just categorised you. I'm very good at things like this. Yeah. In other words, a cricketer called John Lewis, who had a brief spell for England before he went back to county cricket. And he was a bowler. And they used to say John Lewis never knowingly underbowled. That's good.

Which I really, I mean, it was so perfect. That was a great moment when the person said that. Just wasn't quite good enough. Well, I'll tell you what, I watched, I'm trying to give these up now because they can drag you down a bit, but I've been watching the, you know, the sort of nightly press conference that Dominic Raab or someone will preside.

Oh, yes. And they usually get a lady on of some kind. They always have a lady in a skirt suit. Well, normally they do, obviously because 2020, you've got to show a bit of variety for people. I'm sure that's not why they're there. Variety? No, you know what, I bet that's part of their planning.

But Frank, what I like... That's exactly one of the downsides of this system. But yeah. What was great is the other night I watched it and it was Dominic Raab in the middle, Chris Whitty, the, I think, chief medical officer, and Sir Patrick Vallance on the other side. They've all become characters now in my comedy universe.

But the three of them, and they all stand in front of these little lecterns. And they had one shot of the three of them, all in one shot at an angle and it really looked like a very low rent craftwork gig oh man it made me so happy in the midst of a lot of horrible information yeah i mean they they um they do drag you down a bit, the guys, but I mean, you know, they get asked questions. The guys. If I could ever think of a trio that anyone would be less likely to refer to as the guys.

Well, I've come to laugh. It would involve Sir Patrick Vallance. Well, Patrick Vallance gave me one of my highlights of the whole crisis, if one can have a highlight of a crisis. my highlights of the whole crisis, if one can have a highlight of a crisis. And that was when he spent about 10 minutes talking about slides that no one actually viewing it on telly could see. So he talked in detail about these invisible slides

and I did enjoy that. It's good to know that even the experts... Do you find Frank... Let's make them televisual. Sorry, darling. Do you find Frank with... Hold on, I've called you, darling. I'm sorry about that.

It just came out. No, that's theatre. It's fine. I grew up in the theatre. Do you find with SPV, as I think we should call him, to give him a sort of superhero feel, I think he always says,

and the next slide, please, and the next slide please and the next slide and he gets a bit medical conference bless him he doesn't quite well I'm sure he's done a lot I bet he's stood in the light of an OHP on many many occasions Patrick Vall in fact I think that's when he looks at his best

he's from the slight glare of an OHP and that kind of a sound. Perhaps I'm projecting, but when I hear him saying, and the next slide, please, I start thinking, oh, maybe he just can't work the stuff, but he still managed to get promoted so high

because he's good at the job. Oh, you're projecting. I didn't know you were involved. Oh. good at the job. Oh, you're projecting. I didn't know you were involved. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, have we heard from that desolate wasteland we used to call the outside

world? Well, we've had lots of correspondence in from our readers. I love our readers. I'm honestly not just saying that. We need them now more than ever. We need you.

I actually stand on my front step and applaud them at 3am every Tuesday. That's nice. No one else has noticed. I don't know what they think that sound is. Yes, and also the 3am applaud time slot is normally reserved for the tabloid journalists, isn't it? That's right, yeah. Simon Jones has been in touch, and I love...

He's a former England bowler, but carry on. Oh, right. I love a missive that starts re-rose petal baths. Oh, yeah. Hi, lockdown pals. I was just catching up on the recent shows and your rose petal bath segment. Yeah.

Do you remember that, guys? I think Al pointed out the fact that Madonna, in her sort of little piece to camera that she did about the coronavirus, she was sitting in a bath where rose petals were nestling on the surface of the water. Okay. Like a Monet. It was like a strange Monet.

Yes. I think they were rose petals. And I think she got away with this, but she repeatedly referred to the coronavirus as the great equaliser, which I think is unfair on Edward Woodward. Oh. Yeah. Exactly. Excellent. equalizer which i think is unfair on edward woodward oh yeah exactly excellent um anyway

simon continues your rose petal bath segment reminded me of something that will horrify out at a hotel i stayed in in the uae they had a menu in the bathroom and a rose petal bath cost £300. Whoa! What's the point in that? Yes. Get out of town. What is the point in that? When you get out, there must all be stock to you and stuff.

Yeah. Okay, let's come clean here. You're paying a lot of money for a mess, aren't you? Let's come clean here. You know when you sleep rough in a public park? Yeah. Have you ever had that thing when you get petals on your stuff to your clothes the next time? You and your relatable comedy.

£300 for a rose petal bath. Let's just all come clean here. How much would you spend on a rose petal bath? I'd spend £70 probably. What? I'd pay someone a pound to get the rose petals out yeah elvis presley and when he was at his most elvis presley sent the guys into town to buy every light bulb they could find in memphis and they brought them all back and he had them placed them all in his swimming pool.

So they were just bobbing up and down on the surface. They more or less covered the entire surface of the pool. And then he sat with an air rifle and shot everyone. It took him like a day and a half. Shot everyone. Obviously, the more you shoot, the harder it gets to hit them because they are more sparse. And then he had to pay something like

$10,000 for a company to come in and clean the pool and get all the broken glass out the bottom. What's the point of having all those top ten hits if you're not going to indulge a few of your fantasies? I like the idea of Lisa Marie coming in saying, Daddy,

and he's saying, I've got a lot on. I'm very busy. I'd like to think him being a loving father he might let her have a couple of goes himself. Oh, he loved Lisa Marie. Maybe some fairy lights for the children. Of course, that's a harder

target. Now you come to mention it. Maybe a standard lamp. Standard lamp at the deep end for lisa marie so who who else has uh has been in touch um well we've had a message from at kyle driver i'm guessing it was probably on the Twitter or it might have been the insta and and I think it's about your announcement of a poetry podcast it says does this count as a poetry news update Wow I've gotta say that is a man who is elbow deep in the folklore of this radio show.

About, it's probably five years ago, I bought an app which was called Poetry News Update. And I thought I'd be getting regular alerts about what was going on in the poetry world. about what was going on in the poetry world. After about day four of nothing, I thought, I mean, you know, you get a quiet news day in any genre. Yes. But I thought there must be a bit of, you know, a local reading or something going on.

So in the end, I found out it wasn't operational and I got my 69p back from the app. That was a dignified moment in your life. Yeah. It was. Every app then used to be £69,000. I don't know if that still exists. I wouldn't think of that as the Apple price. He spent that £69 elsewhere on a haiku.

Is that right? But yes, I have. While we're on the topic, I've got a, this, I think it comes out on Monday the 20th, a poetry podcast, which is nothing to do with the current crisis. It was going to happen anyway. It's just me talking about poetry. I thought, you know, I like to be commercial, if possible. It's the most exciting news I've heard in it i was so excited about this and what i was what i loved is that when i i read the announcement as it came through chortle news

poetry update um it's had a quote from frank saying i will be like coleridge's ancient mariner oh excellent and that's one of my favourite poems, number one. Number two, I thought, well, that's very appropriate because by this point, you probably do have a glittering eye and a long grey beard, I would imagine. Yeah, well, I'm doing pretty good on the shaving. I actually sent off for razors because I thought I could just go completely Jeff Bridges

or I could, you know, I could try and keep it clean shaven. And I've decided that I have bought, I've got clippers on the way. I'm going to start cutting my own hair. I mean, just think if that comes off, if that works, that's going to save me, you know, £26.50 every three weeks. Can we just say, because you never like to toot your own horn too much. No, not in Lent. Oh, it's over now. We can hear it from next Monday.

Yes. Available on... It's Bauer, who own Absolute Radio, actually asked me to do... I mean, it's incredible. She's a commercial company. It does, you know, commercial radio. And they said, you know,

what about this poetry podcast? And so I'm doing it. I mean, it's an incredibly self-indulgent labour of love vanity project. I'll be straight with you. Well, yes. And the podcast in particular. But, you know, I loved doing it so much. Oh, I'm so happy.

This makes me happy. And also I see this as your equivalent of Elvis shooting the light bulbs. It is a bit that, yeah, except I'm doing it with a rather beautifully ornate crossbow, which is flower-laden. Actually, it's part of the 300-quid rose petal crossbow offer, which I'm missing out on at the moment. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

moment so um i went out i went out this week there is a time that would have been a very stock beginning to any anecdote on this show yes but now it sounds a bit like i was i was on this terrifying ride at alton towers and blah blah um blah. No, I had to go out. It was, what do they call it? It was a necessary journey. Necessary or exercise or, yeah. Yeah, was it? Mandatory, I think. Oh, no, not mandatory.

Yeah, essential, we'll call it. Essential. Anyway, I put my mask on and it was a beautiful day, I must say. And I was thinking, this is going to take me an hour this journey i started even in the midst of a terrible um pandemic i started to think what about my tan line if i walk for an hour in this mask that's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to look like a muskrat or something like that. Or a sort of a lower face version of those people

that go skiing and come back with a skiing tan, don't they? Yes. With the goggles. You know what I'm going boys? I'm going boxer dog in reverse. Nice. Thank you. Well, there's an image. And they make a lovely egg cup

If you can get them to do a headstand Oh God So, when you mention it Batman, that must be a problem for Batman One reason, you'd be suspicious of Bruce Wayne, wouldn't you? If he had a really tanned lower half of the face. That is a good point. Yeah, I wonder how they get round that.

Well, can we just clarify? Maybe by inhabiting... He's a night person, to be honest. That's why he goes out at night, of course. That's why he operates mainly at night, because the tan line giveaway. You've rumbled it. I was going to suggest that perhaps in the comic book world

where people don't recognise somebody if they put glasses on, that it's less of a testing environment. No, you're probably right. Robin tended to favour... Didn't he have a sort of Lone Ranger, just the eye mask he went for, the soothing, cooling eye mask? But again, there's a nasty tan line waiting to happen. If they appeared, these gentlemen, in civvies in real life,

I mean, their identities would be immediately exposed by the white bits on their face. Well, exactly. So I think, I don't know how you guys feel about this but i think everyone's face is better either in the top half or the bottom half and i think my bottom half of my face is better than the top half i mean the throat has got a bit you know obviously as I've got older, the throat can be affected by wind.

And I don't mean mine. I mean God's. It can move. But when I put that mask on the other day, I thought I'm losing out here. Those people whose the top half is better, they will benefit from the mask thing, which is becoming so popular.

What are you, Al, top or bottom? I don't know. I think Al would be good in a face mask. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I don't know why I'm thanking you. I say this, I'll be honest,

I can't really remember what either of you look like. Well, I think I definitely prefer my top half. Shut up. Okay. Did I actually say that out loud? Oh, my God. Do you remember when I was healthy and... I don't know about you,

but I used to listen to Johnny Walker more or less every day on Radio 1. I had no idea, no idea what he looked like, nor did I ever make any attempt to find out. And I was happy with that. And I bet everyone listening, well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they don't know what we look like. It's for the best, let's face it.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I've been, as a sort of an added measure when I've been out the house, a safety thing, I've been wearing those big foam rubber pointy finger hands that the crowd used to wear on gladiators. That's a good idea yeah because it's obviously it means if you're handling stuff you're not directly getting any um

any droplets on your hands yeah but also um it's quite a good social distancing thing i'll bet yeah i just um you know I just generally point at people if they get adjacent. So I'd recommend that. I think that I wouldn't mind seeing those being a bit more widespread. Those being rolled out for the general public. Yeah, rolled out. He was good, wasn't he? I love that James and the giant peach.

Can I ask a question? Normally when we do the radio show, I come in, someone drives me in, an Uber or something of that nature, a minicab, I'm going to call it that. And obviously I'm not doing that now. I assume that minicabs are still operating out there, out there in the outside world. How do you do the six feet...

Thank you. I do very well. How do you do the six feet distancing thing if you're in... I suppose what I'm saying, is the stretch limo going to suddenly save mankind? That thing that we thought was the most trivial, superficial thing. That is what we need. If we ever needed the, or we never needed the stretch limo, it was always a luxury.

But now I feel the stretch limo. Well, the stretch limo had become largely the preserve of the stag and hen community it really had and also one very angry driver on the M62 that I had a road rage incident with once oh really

I don't know he was behind me and then he went to pass me and you know when you look out your car window and you sort of touch a person for having been driving angrily behind you i did that only to then realize that it was a left-hand drive so the driver was right next to me and saw me touching oh wow and and then he went really mad and kept sort of driving at me and doing crazy overtakes and stuff and I pulled off on the M62 near the corn mill

in Brighouse Murfield and did a spin around a roundabout and jumped back on for any fact fans What, to get rid of him? Yeah You actually lost him You did that thing of losing him on the Wow! I lost him at a roundabout that I knew

quite well, yeah. Oh, the level of partridge and detail in that. The motorway names, the race names. I mean, also, my question would be, how well can you know a roundabout? Aren't they all very... You should talk during your day. Aren't they much of a muchness?

But do you remember when... They're generally circular. I think you observed the aggressive drivers. This is back when we used to go places and meet up and all that stuff. I used to drive. It was a lot of Audis. Yeah, it was France's worst. This memory seems quite...

My biggest road rage incident was with a white stretch limo on the M62. That is, I mean, that's pretty impressive. My favourite thing that happens in cabs, no, is Frank Skinner. You used to always get into the front with your driver and the only other person I'd ever seen do that was Crocodile Dundee. Do you still favour that approach, Frank? In that great documentary?

No. No, basically. I allowed myself to become very friendly with a few drivers, and that was an error. I think, yeah. It's an error for them if they wanted to eat their own lunch. Yeah, well, that's yet another story. Great callback.

But I think those headrests aren't just headrests. They're there to separate the sheep from the goats. Wow. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. the goats wow this is frank skinner this is absolute radio hello this is frank skinner on absolute radio with amelie dean and alan cochran we are it's amelie it came out as amelie didn't it was fine well no one noticed we are not live so do not text the show um we'd love to be live but it's not technically

possible apparently but you can follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website I'll tell you what I do miss I miss the jingles yeah yes I do for some reason technically apparently I can't

have jingles and you know I miss being having maybe I'll just start singing the ones that we used to I'd sort of forgotten about it and then the other day those magnificent men in their flying machines was on daytime television

and that was a jingle I used to use that's the sort of trombone at the beginning that goes those magnificent men so it did make me think of it but that's the sort of trombone at the beginning that goes, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr little break there oh the sandwich reference yes when i yes alice driver may be taking their lunch into their own hands if they get too friendly with you yes i was going to a uh an event i was interviewing um several key members of uh the doctor who team including um peter capaldi who was doctor who at the time and uh was the doctor and, and Stephen Moffat, the showrunner at the time. And we got into terrible...

I was in the back of a car and we got into terrible traffic. And I was really annoyed because the bloke had gone quite a stupid way. Even I knew that. And in the end, I said, I've got to be straight on stage. I'm not going to have time to eat anything. And he said, well, look, I have got my sandwiches in here which you know you can have those and I think it was one of those offers where people say I'll tell you what let me give you you know let me pay for that

when they wait for the no no no I wouldn't hear of it no was inbuilt yeah so anyway i said okay and um i i actually ate them in the car i suppose that was the worst thing about it is he could smell them and they were lovely he said his wife he was a romanian guy and he said his wife had done this romanian ham and it was oh man, it was great. But it did, you could smell it. So it must have been torture to be sitting hungry in the car as I chomped my way through.

But, you know, you should have checked the old directions. Wouldn't have happened. Okay. That's that, either way. Anyone who was starting to think from the first hour that I was nice thought we'd clear. No, you're all right. You're all right.

No, you're not. Anyway. You are, Frank. We do think you're nice. It's just sometimes you do behave. I mean, in fairness, that is, again, quite a Crocodile Dundee thing to do.

I think it was just a slightly gauche thing to do, not recognising the social contract. Yeah, but he did offer. He did offer. That was his mistake. He shouldn't play those kind of bluffs. Yes, but when I say to you, do you want me to bring anything if I'm coming over?

I don't expect you to say yes, a Beef Wellington. Do you see no that no I do like a beef wellington did anyone watch quiz this week I'll eat a beef napoleon as well I don't want anyone to think I bear a grudge yeah

did we watch what sorry quiz this week I've seen the first episode of Quiz. I've seen all three. I don't like to show off, but, you know. You've done the triptych. It was some, it's the coughing major. It's more sort of infamously referred to as, isn't it?

Scandal. It's about the great who wants to be a millionaire scandal. I mean, that was why i held off see i wasn't going to watch it at all and because i've got i'll be straight with you i was on who wants to be a millionaire as you may know earlier earlier this year end of last year and only won 16 grand and also the charity that i was um competing for have since been involved in a tremendous sexual scandal. So that didn't help. Have they?

Yes. Morning, everyone. I've got bad feelings about who wants to be a millionaire just at the minute. I've got bad feelings about the show at the minute. And charity. As I said to people, the producer said, we've got high hopes with you. You know, you're a bright bloke.

And so I was really built up. And then at the end, when I only got 16 grand, they said, your car's going to be another 40 minutes or so because we didn't think you'd be finished this early. And that was, oh,

that was pretty awful. it was just that the bloke was around the corner hiding any food that he had yeah but i don't i mean i was quite shocked that there is a a um a drama about who wants to billion there's already been a massive movie about who wants to be a millionaire, hasn't it? Has it? Slumdog Millionaire was about that, wasn't it? It's about a guy doing who wants to be... I mean, you know, it's a good programme, but I'm surprised it's considered worthy to have two different...

There was a stage play and now a TV series and a movie about, you know, a quiz show. I'm surprised. No offence to anyone involved. So, I do. I liked the first episode of Quiz, but I do think, are ITV now going to start making a lot more dramas about ITV? Because they did Scylla and all that, which is essentially

an ITV thing. Are we going to see Red or Black, the movie? The disaster movie. What about... Michael Sheen would be quite a good aunt. Yes. Michael Sheen would be quite a good aunt yes Michael Sheen would be quite a good anyone yeah but if he's got a bit of the aunt

already in him they could build him a forehead they could extend that I mean how far will ITV take it, are they going to do Man O' Man the movie well they've already got a Tarrant he was in that wasn't he Tarrant. He was in that, wasn't he, Tarrant?

Imagine when Michael, yeah. Did you ever see Man, O' Man? I loved Man, O' Man. I think it's a tragedy that it's not on anymore. I mean, tragedy, that's probably stretching it. It's probably on BritBox. But, you know, pushing them in the pool when they don't like them, it doesn't get better than that.

It was great. Do you remember Hole in the Wall? Do I remember it? They asked me to host that and i said i said uh no and they got um anton de beck anton de beck yeah we're up for the same things a lot in anton yes the good thing about if they did some if they did say you know one of their, if they did say, you know, one of their biggies, if they did Britain's Got Talent or something like that, the drama, the irony is what you'd need is someone who looked like Simon Cowell

to play Simon Cowell, and that would rule out Simon Cowell. Oh, life can be cruel, can't it? I know I've come to... Casting Ant, I think, would be quite easy. Deck. Deck's a harder cast, isn't he? I don't know what...

I don't know what Deck looks like, if you know what I mean. Yeah. I think you only recognise Dec in relation to Ant. If I saw Dec out on his own, I don't think I'd spot him. If I saw Ant on his own, I would. That's like me and my dog, Ray. I think people only would ever know who I was via my dog. Or Frank Skinner.

Well, I think there is... Often you get a member of a double act, which is a bit... It was a sort of a bland, almost like a control in the experiment. Yes. So, Mike Winters to Bernie Winters, Ernie Wise to Eric Morgan.

I think me to David Baddiel to a certain extent. Are you the control? Yeah, I'm the sort of wash. You know that wash you put on at school? You used to put a light are you the control yeah i'm the sort of wash you know that wash you put on at school used to put a light wash on the painting before you start putting in the the actual figures and stuff i'm i am i was david baddiel's backdrop for um what do you think i mean i think you're probably one of the exceptions to that rule i'm not having that i think no i mean i mean bland in appearance yes i know obviously don't be so hard on yourself my wit was dazz. I'm not having that. No, I mean bland in appearance. Yes, I know.

Don't be so hard on yourself. My wit was dazzling. I'm not asking for that. Do you know what they had in quiz? And it was something I thought it was brilliant. I loved it. And the script was fantastic and there were brilliant people in it. But there was something, you know how you have that thing about thrillers,

Frank, with there's a torch outside the room and you actually have a you can't bear to watch it i have that with any foreshadowing so anytime there's a sort of cassandra moment a nod to the future a sort of humorous nod to the future so you know like in the in the beatles films where the beat? What kind of a name is that? And then you cut to Shea Stadium with, you know, Screaming Girls. I can't bear things like that. Shut up, Leonardo.

Next you'll be telling me that silver birds will fly in the sky, containing people. Yeah, I do hate that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have to say, Emily, I'm a great man for owning up to my ignorance. And your Cassandra reference is something I've heard said before. Before you said it was very Cassandra-like foreshadowing.

I don't actually know what that is a reference to. Respect. Is it classical? Cassandra was a figure from Greek mythology and it was her sort of terrible destiny to know the future and to never be believed, essentially. So she was the sort of, no, this terrible thing's going to happen and no one believed her.

So there's a thing called a Cassandra... It's like that doctor in Wuhan. Yes. Yes, it's a Cassandra complex you can have as well. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thanks.

Anyway, where were we. Thanks. Anyway, quiz. Anyway, meanwhile, back at quiz. So those moments we were discussing, those sort of foreshadowing, that's my phobia

when I'm watching a TV thing. Is anything like that, Frank, you just mentioned that reference to Leonardo. I think there's one in Titanic where someone says, who's this artist? Picasso.

He'll never catch on this guy. Ice anyone? Do you need ice? Stuff like that going on. And we spent a lot of money on that anchor. It better not be a waste. Quiz definitely wasn't that kind of show. It was very knowing and it was funny.

It was all these things. But inevitably built into that story, there are those moments because it's part of the narrative. Yeah. So I just found myself at one point. I can think of one. One has sprung to mind when you mentioned it there. Well, I don't know if it was the same one. I like to think we're in the same pod often, you and I.

But there was a moment when they were in the studios and there was a workman fixing a light. And he whistled, who wants to be a millionaire? Yes. Was that the moment you were thinking of? No, I wasn't. I was thinking of when they first met Tequin Whittock or whatever it's called. And he said, yes, if you can get me on the show. And he coughed.

And I thought, oh, come on. We know he's the coughing guy. He doesn't need to cough straight away. But I know I did. I had that one as well. And it's so difficult because when I got the who wants to be a millionaire and I saw him sort of smile and I thought, oh, OK. But it's my problem.

I appreciate that. I just get very triggered by those moments. Well, maybe it's part of who wants to be a millionaire law that that is how they came up with the title. Maybe it did actually happen. I believe it, yeah. I think it was called something quite bad prior to that, wasn't it? Cash Mountain.

Cash Mountain, yeah. Yeah, Cash Mountain. And yet they couldn't come up with a title for who wants to be a millionaire. It reminded me of there used to be a comedy double act who always wore pyjamas called The Pyjama Men. Very funny. I remember. Yeah, they were funny. They came on our show.

They're really good. But when I first met them, they performed in pyjamas, but their name was Sabotage. And they thought, we should really change this because everyone keeps calling us the pyjama men, I think. There's been a lot of people afterwards saying, I wonder why the pyjama sabotage. Yeah. Sounds really odd. How great is it, though, guys,

to have Tecwin Wissert re-enter society again? Because, I mean, he was a great sort of minor celebrity for a while. He went on the after-dinner speaking circuit for a while. Did he? Amazing. Can you imagine saying, well, the bad news is... I'm surprised I haven't worked with him. Al, the bad news is Chris Rock's unavailable. But the good news is...

And he would have gone up, wouldn't he? And he would have coughed. Oh, yeah. Almost immediately. And that would have got a round of applause he? And he would have coughed. Oh, yeah. Just immediately. And that would have got a round of applause. And he wouldn't have been able to resist that. Round of applause? That was his act.

Yeah. He just came on and coughed and then he said, take me in with it, ladies and gentlemen. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, I've only seen the first episode. We don't want to spoil it for you.

No, well, I'll tell you what I did think, though, is that when Tech Queen Whittock coughed on our first encounter with him, which is sort of through hedgerow, I think, if I remember rightly, it did make me think, oh, they're going to try and suggest that it wasn't a scam after all. Because once you've set him off as a coffer, then I know they were trying to fill their coffers.

Once you set him up as a coffer, then you are giving them the benefit of the doubt to some extent that he may be just coughed all the time. And indeed, it was very sympathetic to them, wasn't it, Al? Very, very. To the irk, may I say, of Mr Chris Tarrant in the media this week, who said you know he said it was very good but he also said they did the big I'm not spoiling anything but they do the big speech of

the um of the defense lawyer in in court but not of the prosecution lawyer so you don't get the sort of counterpoint so it's very easy to come away thinking, oh, I think they might have been a bit hard done to there. Not from Chris Tarrant. He said that the guy was, and I quote, a rotter, a cad and a bandit. Okay. Bandit. That's what he called him, a bandit.

That's an insult you don't hear often, is it? You absolute bandit. I mean, I don't think you hear Rotter and Cad very often either. Wasn't there a chocolate biscuit called a bandit? Or have I made that up? There was. There was, Frank.

Maybe you meant that. Lovely memory. But none of those seem that illegal compared to Cheater of a Million Pounds, do they? Chris Tarrant, I would say, is one of the most... I have met him several times.

He's one of the most no-nonsense people I've ever met. He will not be listening to my poetry podcast, I would predict that. He's so no-nonsense. I remember he was doing the breakfast show at Capital Radio in London and he parked his car and he was on his way to his car and he got he got mugged. And I said, I heard that you got mugged. And he said, some little man came up to me, some young little man and said, you know, give us your watch or whatever.

So I just laughed in his face. And he said, come on, mate, you know, and he said, I just go away. He said, and he just come on mate you know I thought go away he said and he just went away and I thought that is the supreme confidence of Chris Tarrant could get him through anything it's freedom I was going to say he is very much

a cigar smoker and indeed he is a cigar smoker that does not surprise me one thing that i had forgotten was that he was quite an infuriating questioner and i think they brought that back well i think it's easy to forget that he was quite an infuriating questioner um a role which is now being taken up by the journalist robert peston i think well ro Robert Peston has a bit of the Jeff Goldblum about him in that his stresses and intonations

are not what you would call regular or commonly used. Oh, give me an example. We can't actually give you an example because his questions last way longer than any look we're allowed to do. But briefly, seriously, we're allowed to do. But briefly, seriously, when we are learning about

the supply of material for the front line workers, it's all like that. You think, what? You've got the wrong sheet. You've got the lyrics but you're on the wrong melody, mate.

And Jeff Goldblum does the same thing. It becomes, I think people kind of like it as an affectation, but I'm against it generally. There's a reason for those stresses, and I think we should respect it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. respect it. One thing about the Coffin major case is like I say, I'm only a third of the way through

quiz, but I understand that they are now thinking of the possibility of a retrial. I mean, can you base a retrial on an ITV drama? That seems... And also...

I don't know if they're expecting the prosecution to be asking multiple choice questions that they can cheat their way through. I don't know. But it can't be anything in the drama that means that they could get off with the case no i don't think so i think they've been i think they've essentially never they've always maintained their innocence and so i think their lawyer as a result of this which

they were very pro charles ingram was tweeting all about this, saying something like it was excruciatingly wonderful or something. But their lawyer said it's scientific advances will help them win. I'm interested in the science of that. I think there was an argument that ITV supplied the court with the clips that they... ITV supplied the court with the clips that they used. And I think what they did is... And I don't think this was necessarily dodgy. I think it was just to help people to hear it.

They cranked up the volume a bit on the actual coughing, which made it sound, you know, very loud and clear. I have the figures in front of me frank skinner 193 total coughs and of which 19 were deemed to be they called referred to them as particular coughs yeah so i'm really hoping that morse code was involved in this somehow. Although, Tecquin lost it at one point, Frank, when he went, no. He said he didn't do that, did he? He did. That was like the old Eric Morecambe, Arsenal.

It's very like that. He said no. Oh, no. They can't justify that, can they? I mean, I know they're human beings and they deserve their you know their their right to um defend themselves but i don't i don't want them to be innocent to you completely ruin ruin everything also they didn't go to jail and it was nearly 20 years ago let it go guys just do something else with your time yeah let it go you have to leave the army they've got a bead stall now in a market did he have to leave they've got a bead stall now in a market.

Did he have to leave? They've got a bead stall? What, they just sell venerable bead merchandise? You know, suddenly I'm warming to them. Imagine if we found out. I mean, I hate to say it, but they are the sort of people that I can imagine. Well, Teckman Wittock would definitely be a venerable bead fan i reckon he'd be aware of his work put it that way i should think well

they'd know they'd know enough that's it they sort of know those quiz guys i'm sorry i'm sure there's probably a lot listen i'm going to generalize not all but there is a sort of quiz guy who knows loads of stuff but understands nothing, if you know what I mean. Yes. I mean, there's knowledge and there's information. I think there's different things. I hope Stephen Fry isn't listening.

Overall, I would say worth sticking, worth completing the triptych, Frank, because I think it's a fine show. It is. But there was a terrible, there was a bit of a boo-boo made that night by the continuity announcer. This was Michael, I heard about this. Yeah, this is very good. Well, you know, you thought it was bad.

You just called me Amelie yes well you don't want to call michael sheen martin sheen i mean on a continuity announcement but of course people you see people are on lockdown that that's probably somebody who generally tears tickets for the audiences that are coming in and stuff like that. They're probably moving people around in their job. Give these people a break. Could have been worse. It could have been Sheena Easton. I'm in the know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live. I know, it's unbelievable, but we're not, so don't text the show. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us, of course,

via the Absolute Radio website. Very well put. We tiptoed onto yet another chasm, a big divide between how you and I are living our lives last week, Frank. Not only am I an outspoken secular atheist and you a follower of the Nazarene, but it turns out that you still prick your sausages and I chuck them in without so much as a thought going near them. Yeah, I was genuinely surprised about that. I really, really, really believe that if you don't prick the sausages,

that they split and they come out with what I would call open wounds. How many times do you do it, Frank? I do four on each side. So I'll prick them four times and then turn them over for another four. In which case, that's very fitting as something I call myself more of an agnostic, that I do it twice. Ah. Okay.

You're in between the two of us. Yes. What a rich tapestry of a show we've got here. Who would have thought that pre-oven sausage treatment would echo our religious beliefs? Anyway, Ant Diggory has got in touch with some interesting information. I thought she was killed in the Triwizard Tournament. I thought she was killed in the Triwizard tournament.

He says, or she, I don't know what gender Diggory is. Diggory, imagine dating someone called Diggory. Diggory's coming over later, so... I mean, if I may say so, Diggory, it's the sort of name that you'd find in a Tim Key poem, to be perfectly honest. It's a bit harsh. I really hope he or she is a doctor.

Can I tell you what it is? On the driving licence, it would say Diggory Doc. I'm afraid it is very much Diggory, the sort of name you would actually find in the fastest finger first one of those chairs on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Back to Alan in the studio. Well, I'm sorry about this, Diggory, if I may call you Diggory.

Is it the surname? I'm sorry, it is like public school. Carry this, Diggory, if I may call you Diggory. Is it the surname? I'm sorry, it is like public school. Carry on, Diggory. Can I just bookmark this, that moment of using the surname? I was watching the Freddie Mercury tribute concert this week. Oh, because Boz is a fan, isn't he? Boz, my seven-year-old, is a big fan of Queen. So we watched it.

It was on at Wembley in somewhere like 90-something. And it was some great stuff. I'll tell you something about it. George Michael doing Somebody to Laugh was absolutely mind-blowing. He knocked it out of the park. But anyway, Buzz had never heard of Axl Rose. So Axl Rose comes, they do Bohemian Rhapsody, and Elton John does the, Mama, I just killed, all that stuff.

And then for the, Axl Rose explodes onto the stage. And Boz was going, wow, who's that? And because he's got an incredible voice, I said, that's Axl Rose he's called. And he didn't quite hear me. So after he said, that bit where Rose came, is Rose going to do another thing?

Oh, nice. And I thought, does he think he's some sort of 1980s barmaid? But he just called him Rose. And it was like we were at public school and Axel Rose was in one of the lower forms. What I like is it's also foiling Axel Rose's plans to be sort of anarchic and known as Axel. Yeah, so he's taken the greasy metallic part of him, the Axel, and replaced him with the rose.

The rose by any other name. Apparently he used to bathe with people for 300 quid a time. I've got really excited now about that. Can I just say, I have never been much of a Queen fan and certainly never much of a Queen fan and certainly never much of a George Michael fan. How dare you. But I'm going to say it again, watching that

George Michael do Somebody to Love it was absolute, I didn't know you know, it's not easy to cover a Freddie Mercury but wow the notes he was hitting and everything was just brilliant. Late review, here we are. But it's on

Sky, it's on catch up on Sky Arts, so check it out. I watched that George Michael clip on a very regular basis because I love it so much and I was a fan and I still am a fan, as you know. But that means a great deal to me. This is a thing we share

now, you see. You can understand my love of George thank you I'd say it blew me away I'm just thinking these links are going to go great on Absolute 80s oh man I love us at last we've said something that people who listen to

Absolute 80s could actually care less about I think the Who Wants Us to Be a Millionaire quiz will do well on the Absolute noughties, won't it? But the gig, you know, one of the weird things, going back to, I know we're still mid-diggery, if I remember rightly. But, as the archaeologists say, no diggity. But going back to the millionaire thing,

one of the weird things about watching Quiz for me was that David Lidderman and Claudia Rosencrantz, who were two of the characters in it, you know, I knew them really well. I worked with them on a weekly basis. Of course you've worked with them all, haven't you? Have I reached an age now where people I've worked with are being portrayed in dramas?

The people you've worked with are historical figures. Be honest, Frank, and you're amongst friends here, was a part of you slightly annoyed that the staff were having their lives portrayed in the drama? Well, yes. Yes. lives portrayed in the drama well yes yes but i have to say that those two were amongst the nicer tv executives yes they're nice i'll tell you what i like about um david lidderman he was a very much he'd come from coronation street and i find a lot of the people who came from the coronation street

stable were really nice people. It must have been a great place to work up there. I don't know. What about Diggory? Diggory? Diggory? Come on. Let's get back to Diggory.

Back at what I like to call Sausage Gate. Diggory tells us... Can I stop you again, actually? Can I just stop you one more time? Of course you can. I'm calling this the Diggory effect. You know I stop you again, actually? Can I just stop you one more time? Of course you can. I'm calling this the Diggory effect. You know I'm going to call this from now on. This could be the longest ever text we've ever...

It's the Diggory effect. No, I just thought about something else. I'm currently reading to Boz. I'm reading him Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'm reading him Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. And it suddenly struck me, Harry Potter is really, really brilliant. Yeah.

I know that's a late review. Wow, that is a late review. I went through it and I thought, you know what, JK, if you're ever worried and, you know, if you're ever wracked with doubt, trust me, it's really good stuff yeah just mentioning i'll be honest with you i edit out quite a few um adjectives but that's picky carry on meanwhile diggory's had five birthdays since he was last mentioned and they tell us during world war ii when meat was more scarce sausage makers used to bulk out the sausages this made them more likely to burst thus the name bangers and it's a hangover from that the need to prick them as it

were well good info good info to know that people in the uh in the butchery business um at a time of national crisis were basically stabbing people in the back by putting rubbish in the butchery business at a time of national crisis we're basically stabbing people in the back by putting rubbish in the sausages thanks a lot for that guys whereas now they're all so pure the sausages I'm sure yeah exactly one of the great things about doing this show though we're not doing

it live we're still hearing from our loyal readers, which is great because that... I know I've started saying this every week, but that is such an important part of the show. So who else have we heard from? Yes, and you won't all get the Diggory treatment in terms of the deep forensic analysis of your name. We're big fans, by the way, Diggory treatment in terms of deep forensic analysis of your name.

We're big fans, by the way, Diggory. This is from Clive Bryant, who is one of our regulars. Very longstanding, loyal reader. He has a whatever happened to. Do you want to improvise a jingle, boys? Whatever happened to. People lying on a bed of nails. Oh, the old fuck here. Clive continues.

You used to see this a lot on TV. I seem to remember it was even discussed on Blue Peter how practitioners of this craft, question mark, are able to filter out the pain messages. It popped into my head while lying on the floor this week trying to self-message a back problem.

He said self-message, but I know, but I was going to sick that because, you know. He might be a droid. Using a tennis ball. He just sent a text to to that particular muscle yes well um it was i thought it was quite a an endearing typo but trying to self-massage a back problem using a tennis ball one of yours al it is i do that sort of stuff although to be honest tennis ball is kind of entry level i now do two hockey balls in a sock sometimes.

I actually just lie on a Dalek. We know about that. That's so bad. Specialist interest magazines. You're a big fan. Okay, so what does he... So Clive's asking, is it, you know, what's happened to you? he's asking us the question.

But this is what I mean, you see, about our readers. I mean, that is, of course, it was, there was all, people were always going on about it, and it tended to be Fakirs, so these Indian mystics. And it was a way of proving that you could reach a plane, a plane of consciousness where the physical was no longer relevant so you could lie on a bed of nails and you used to go to like fairgrounds and there would be you could pay to see a bloke lying on a bed of nails but i you still do don't you i actually pay to do

it i and i sleep on my sleep on my stomach. I know. But you're right. I'd forgotten about it. There must be. You never see them, do you, in junk shops or anything? I'll tell you what, you still... Or bed shops. No, exactly.

Not any of the water beds I have. No, exactly. I'll tell you what, though. What does still exist, and I have come across, is the running over the hot coals. So why the survival? Because that's very much part of the self-help sort of, you know, modern days like California Guru.

It's become a new agey thing, hasn't it? Why the survival of the hot coals and the nails have fallen out of fashion? I think because so many people in the new age world are making a nice living doing acupuncture. They're anxious that people will start doing their own at home on a bed of nails. Yes. So, yeah. Of course, it's great as well if you have any letters coming in the night or bills, you can just put them on. That's something you never see anymore, is it?

The big spike in the office with bills in it. Oh, I miss the spike. Oh, strange. Any other pointy things that you don't see anymore? Let us know. know yes not you madam keep it daytime Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

there's been another little bit of late review news in the papers this week I don't know if you saw paul mccartney has uh has brought sir sir paul mccartney my apologies if he's listening uh he's brought up the fact that in his opinion the beatles were better than the rolling stones in in a hold the front page moment. And he thinks that quite often the Beatles did stuff and then shortly after that,

the Stones would kind of copy them. Yeah, I have to say, one of the examples he gave, which I wasn't very impressed by, was he said, well, we went to America and then they went to America. I thought you can't really prove much there, can you? We're going to get one of the pilgrim fathers in the paper next week saying the Beatles copied us.

I think going to America for English bands was a thing that was happening before the Beatles, didn't it? Yeah. Well, he said he was being interviewed on Howard Stern, 1996. But he did say, I loved it, Al, when he accused him of copying them and when he was saying whatever we did, the Stones did shortly thereafter. But I did think, I know what you mean, Frank, because I do think musically, I would say I hadn't noticed the Sgt Pepper Satanic Majesties requests similarity.

Well, I mean, yes. I mean, at the time, obviously, I actually remember these albums that it was it did seem fairly blatant. But I remember it was said at the time by I think Keith Richard in an interview or not at the time, maybe later He was very on it at the time, he was sure there was anything that they had Satanic Majesties the album all

signed, sealed and delivered before before Sgt Peppers came out. I don't know if that's true or not. Besides, I think Satanic Madness is a great album in its own right. I've got to tell you about this. I've got a box with a few old school books and stuff like that in it.

And it's got a hat. You know those paper hats you make when you just fold a piece of paper and it comes out it's a bit like a sort of an admiral hat when you're doing it i've got one of those and i've got written on it in crayon a few things but one the biggest thing is i love the stones the beetles are rubbish oh it's got written on it which is i don't i mean i don't think that's true but i was sort of shocked at how much more i liked because i remember liking the rolling stones when i was at school i was in a band where we just did rolling stone songs and i just basically did an impression of mick jagger did um did r keith have a similar hat which said,

I love Bloodwind Pig? Bloodwind Pig and the prettier. I think he might have led me to thinking the Beatles were a bit mainstream. Yes. But the rivalry was, I remember John Lennon going on about in an interview the fact that he was a proper sort of, you know, gang street lad from Liverpool. And they were all working class lads from Liverpool

and they were seen as the squeegee soft ones, whereas the Stones, who were all from places like Cheltenham and went to the London School of Economics, were seen as the sort of of Economics. Yes, they were the Colts. Was seen as the sort of dangerous ones. Yes. Yeah. I noticed, I mean, I love a bit of Sir Paul, but I do notice when he was listing all their achievements,

he didn't say, I mean, I released a song with the Frog Chorus and, you know. But looking back, a lot of people would be very happy just to write that song. Yeah. You're not wrong. Yes, so, you know, he's a top man. I once had a very awkward situation with Sir Paul McCartney. I met him a few times.

He told me and Kat to have a child. I don't know if you remember that. He did. So we did. I just don't think you can disagree with that. Is he a nice man? Because I do adore him and I want confirmation that he's fabulous. But I'll tell you what I did.

There was an anecdote that I was telling a lot at the time. I won't text. It's a long anecdote. But I'll tell you what I did. There was an anecdote that I was telling a lot at the time about. I won't text. It's a long anecdote. It's a good story, but it's long. And I started telling him, and I realized about a third of the way through it that you don't have the time to monologue to a man of that stature, that he will only give you so much time before he has to speak.

And I found myself trapped in this anecdote and him looking at me and looking around the room. And in the end, I just said, I'll forget it. And I just literally abandoned it. Why did you do that? It wasn't his fault. I should never have had the audacity to think that Sir Paul McCartney would listen to anyone else for that long.

Did you actually say, oh, forget it? I did say, yeah. Did you sound grumpy, do you think? No, no, I think I just acknowledged the fact that I'd made a faux pas. He was fine with it. That's good. Well, I like this story because it it made me think i like the fact that what he's not doing is what you're supposed to do and i always like people that

don't do what you're supposed to do which is the false modesty and the sort of disingenuous dismissal of his greatness i like that he said we were better. Yeah. And I thought... I mean, yeah. Go on. I think they were both fairly brilliant, to be honest. I mean, when I was a kid, the Beatles were so popular. When I was at school, at infant and junior school, even people who didn't like the Beatles liked the Beatles. Yeah.

So even though I'd written on the hat the Beatles are rubbish, I still collected Beatles cards and got the records and stuff like that. You couldn't not like them. There was a level of popularity which no one has now. I do find those people perplexing that say that they think the Beatles

are overrated. I find that odd when people do that. Yeah, but that's like people that say I don't have a telly. I just cancel those people. Never to be spoken to again. What are they up to, those people at night? I know a few of those people. I mean,

unless we've had an enormous row and we're having to clear up the mess and talk it through, I'd say it's at the centre of my relationship with Kath is us watching something on the tell and talk it through. I'd say it's at the centre of my relationship with Kath is us watching something on the telly at night together. You know, just the right level of conversation, not too much conversation required,

but you feel you're sharing something. I think one of the highlights of my week is each week mocking people that are on the Antiques Roadshow with my wife. Oh, yeah, that is. That's one of my favourite things to do. Well, if you ever look on Twitter, you are not on your own. I hope the people on Antiques Roadshow do not look on Twitter, although it will break, it will absolutely break their hearts.

I live according to the principles of the husband on Sylvania Waters, the reality docudrama from several years ago, who walked into the room and said, is there any good reason why the television isn't on? Fair enough. So, look, obviously it's not as good as radio. Now, thank you so much for listening this morning. And I'm going to do a shameless plug.

I'm not going to do a shameless pog because... No. No, I can't face the court case. But listen to my poetry podcast. It's half an hour, and if you don't like it, you need to listen to it again. That's the deal. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stop in!