The Frank Skinner Show - Ross Noble

Episode Date: September 19, 2009

Frank, Emily and Gareth are joined by stand up comedian Ross Noble to talk about his current tour and his unusual idea for new a TV Show...

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the Frank Skinner podcast, Absolute Radio, etc. I tell you what, it's earlier in the morning than we normally do this.

You might be able to hear it in my throat. It's so early. Take a fisherman's friend for that. No, they're nasty. I don't want to eat them at this time of the morning. I'd just be sick. What we normally do, foolishly in many ways, is we do the intro to the podcast. Am I right, Gareth?

Yes. We do it after. We do it after, but this time we're doing it earlier. We're doing it before. Because the producer's got to go to a wedding, so the whole system has to change. Yeah. But we don't mind doing that. There's a sense of mystery.

Usually we know what's happened. What I like about it is we don't have to lie, because sometimes we've been, the show's been awful. And we've had to say it's happened. Well, what I like about it is we don't have to lie because sometimes, sometimes we've been, the show's been awful and we've had to say it's great and the guests have been hateful some weeks.

And we've all got tears streaming down our face. Exactly. We have to try and say, like, you know, put a brave face on. Oh, Emily's covered in mascara and, yeah,

and, yeah, but this week, we don't know but I've got a good feeling about it. If that helps. We're all kind of virginal and hopeful. I like it. It's a good look. Oh, God, you've got a good memory.

So, yeah, we're going to listen to this as well, because obviously if we could listen to it now, life would indeed be a strange thing, wouldn't it? But ears hoping, fingers crossed. The guest is Ross Noble. That's a good sign. Apart from that, we can't promise anything. Absolute Radio. Welcome. This is the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio show.

It's seeming struggling to remember what it was. Is that what it's called? We never know what it's called. It doesn't have a name. No? No, it's like the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's. It has no name. I think that's the only time it's ever been compared to the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's. It has no name. I think that's the only time it's ever been compared to the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's

but there may be other comparisons. It's not feline in any way. Nor does the show ever use its whiskers to judge width. Anyway, I'm here with Emily and Gareth. Hello. They both look very lovely this morning. We all went for a bit of a night out last night.

We went and saw Ross Noble's comedy show. And Ross Noble, as it turns out, is our guest today. Ooh. We called to him from the upper circle. Why don't you come on the show tomorrow? And he went, well, I would do it. I mean, if I do that, I will come down on there. And that was that all sorted.

Frank, you may have called from the upper circle. Gareth and I called from the stalls, shouted from the stalls. Yeah, well, the stalls is better. I was in that thing, I was at the front row of the upper circle, which is like being a Roman emperor. I was right in the middle of the upper circle, which sounds like a line from Dante, but it's a bit early for Dante.

He's on Absolute Radio at this time of the morning. So I've had the most bone-idle, week I've had for many a long time. When I was a kid, we used to say occasionally, why don't you come round my house tomorrow and we'll have a doss, right? And having a doss meant we'll do nothing. And we actually made an appointment to do nothing. Come round our house. We can get to sound so in the morning, but on the afternoon we'll just have a doss. And it just meant we sat around and did nothing. That's what I've done all week.'ve just had a doc absolutely what have you done like watched hellion things yeah i've got a bean bag a corduroy bean bag a massive corduroy bean

bag i've got i'm not bragging and uh i lay on uh i lay on that for some of the i did other things but mainly i lay on that and watch daytime television and films, football, cricket. Did you find yourself getting very into daytime TV as well? Like agreeing with Lorraine Kelly. I got very into corduroy. It was like when you rub your fingertips together after a very long bath. That's what corduroy is like, I've discovered. So you used to arrange to do nothing?

Yeah. Because isn't nothing just the default state isn't nothing what you're doing before you do something well i'm like i'm liking the way this is going i'm not totally with him but i'm liking the way it's going because there's too much stuff on radio but i see my daughter is a doll there's too much like that i like people about talking about nothing default state actually talking about nothing quite a lot on radio i've come to think of it but never in this kind of high high blown philosophical way i'll give you an example of my nothingness i watched this morning right and they had the world's tallest man on there's been

everywhere this week i mean he's you know oh he's very ubiquitous oh he is yes i think he's hungarian but he was on he's eight foot eight apparently which is just that's very tall oh it's ridiculous and um they didn't even point out his ridiculousness but he's a very tall hungarian man and they said they had him on and they did the thing they made him stand next to a a tape measure he spends his whole life standing next to a measure he's like it's someone from the usual suspects obviously be a very unusual suspect. I think a life of crime's not an option for the world's tallest man.

Can you describe him? Yeah, he's about 8'8". I think we've got him. So anyway... He's always a bit odd looking, really, tall people. He was terrifying, I'll be honest. He's also got the world's biggest hands and the world's biggest feet, luckily. You don't want tiny size fours

tiny little hands oh no he'd look like a javelin tiny little feet yeah it'd be horrible to balance on but anyway this is what they asked him

they asked him this is Phil Schofield in the new one yes and Holly but he doesn't let her get a word in yet I think he's he's marking his territory

I saw him urinating in either corner of the studio anyway he in that way, he's very like the cat from Breakfast at Tiffany's. So anyway, he said,

he asked him if he had trouble getting clothes. And I thought, oh, people always ask the world's tallest man. So our phone-in this morning is really unusual questions that the world's tallest man has never been asked before. So that's it.

And if you get a really good one, we'll pass it on to him. Don't bother sending them in Hungarian. We'll do the translation. I'm not even sure that's a language. Sounds like it hadn't ought to be. But let's face it, it hadn't ought to be any of the languages. Absolute! Radio.

So, yeah, so question. We just thought it's terrible being the world's tallest man as it is without being asked the same questions about what you do for clothes. Well, I've got one. Go on. Well, you might have been asked it before, but I genuinely want to know the answer, which is what does he do about

transport? So in the car, does he have to have a sunroof and stick his head out like a sort of Doberman Pinscher or something? Do Doberman Pinschers do that? I'm thinking about the Pope. Dogs. Yeah, I a sort of Doberman Pinscher or something? Do Doberman Pinschers do that? I'm thinking what the Pope would be. I know what a Doberman Pinscher is. How dare you? How dare you suggest I don't know that?

Or does he have, like, a Flintstone trap door thing underneath for his feet? Because he can't fit in. Yeah, you couldn't get him into a car. No. I shouldn't think... No, I shouldn't think... Well, he might have a customised one.

No, you couldn't have a... Oh, what about those stretch limos? Oh, that'd be good. That's a brilliant idea. Just chuck out all the drunken women and put the world's biggest man in. And the decanters, the grubby decanters. Yeah, the horrible decanters and the TV screens that never work.

And put in the world's... The world's longest man, I went to call him then, which I like better. That'd be a good question. Would you prefer to be known as the world's longest man? It depends if he's lying down, doesn't it? I don't think it matters. You don't think?

What, you think it depends on verticality or horizontality? Yeah, if you were going to call something long. But maybe trousers are long, aren't they? You can have long hair, it doesn't have to be lying down, do you? That's true. See, already I've blown that completely out the water i i would like to know if anyone sees him in a restaurant or something do they always ask him to stand up because you'd be really miffed if you said the world's tallest man sitting down you go and say i'll just stand up just for a minute because he's on sticks the

world's tallest man i mean that's not why he's the world's tallest man i'm not i don't mean he's on sticks no it's not one of those like one of those houses that rise above the uh the paddy fields in china he's on walking sticks so he's not that well i don't think we've had a bit of the question what's wrong with you dear world's tallest man what's your problem what's wrong with you that's that's what i'd ask my question for the world's tallest man um i've lost my mate ian can you see him from up there is that your question or someone said that no that's me that's that's that's good have you lost your mate ian yeah in what way well i don't know where he is okay i was I had a terrible feeling your mate Ian had died this year. And you had this primitive sense that heaven was somewhere up above the clouds. Well, no, I'm not saying...

The world's tallest man is also a medium. And, um... I don't know. He's definitely an extra large. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Our phone in this morning is, what would you ask the world's tallest man that he hasn't been asked before? That's quite a weird... I like that it's so weird, our phone-in this morning.

No, I'd be so sick of being asked if I had problems getting clothes. Also, if I was the world's tallest man, I'd say, no, no, not at all, I'll just go into a gap. It's fine. By the way, our text number, which I haven't said yet it's 8 12 15 i'm just assuming that you're all such regular listeners that you know have we had any in yet we've had a good one from the rather romantically named jonah of leominster i like that sounds quite papal i like that yeah and sounds like a carpet to me when at xmas if the tallest tallest man is asked for a kiss under the mistletoe,

does it have to stay up the tree? Oh, good. It does grow quite a height, mistletoe. Doesn't have to be good. You have to be under the mistletoe, don't you? Yeah, I imagine he hangs around in forests a lot, come Yuletide. Apparently he's desperately lonely on the woman front. That was one of the things.

Well, why didn't you tell me? We'd be perfect. I could go in his little pocket. Well, you've got some heels. But that's really got... Yeah, but apparently he doesn't have a girlfriend. I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend. Yes, he says he's never had a girlfriend.

Hopefully, now that I'm famous, I'll be able to meet lots of girls. I'd like to get married. I'll marry him. I don't mind. No, don't. Just don't commit like that on me. Oh, OK.

Just a minute. I i'm gonna do something that's the morning i've done that for a bit i just wanted to do that in case i didn't just suddenly grab gareth and let him do that that's a recorded jingle that we have but that was yeah i poor old him oh by the way he's turkish i've been calling him hungarian this morning oh and deb's deb's i love response to that. As if he doesn't have enough problems. He's been called the wrong nationality in a soul. Deb says,

has the world's tallest man ever been potholing? That way you ask me if he's ever been potholing? Yes. I imagine he could pothol in like an earthworm. So he could go through a series of labyrinths and come out in various parts of him would come out in various holes into the air. He may not be the world's tallest man.

What? I... How dare you? That's what you could ask him. Are you the world's tallest man? No, no, really. Because it says that he's been crowned the world's tallest man after his... I bet the crowning was a tricky business.

Some sort of a crane? No, it was kind of like Hoopla. Cherry picker. Yeah. Kind of like Hoopla. They had a big load of crowns. Everyone had a go trying to get it on his head. Well, he must have been covered in bruises at the end of it.

Because that diamante can scratch. Yeah, it's quite sharp. Yes, I once had a brief affair with Liberace. I'm not kidding you. The next day I looked like I'd been tiger wrestling. So he was crowned World Toilers Man after his Ukrainian rival dropped out of the running because he refused to be measured.

Really? Yeah. That was a work to rule. Yeah. He didn't want the fame, he didn't want the hassle. He refused to be measured. How often does one get the chance to get on your moral high horse

about whether or not you're measured? Yeah. You know what, so he might not be the world's tallest. Oh, well. The guy who didn't want to be measured said, if I had to choose between prosperity and calm, I'd choose calm. Well, he's a good tall man. Yeah, see, he's much better than wind you're not about not having

a girl tall source of wisdom he is yeah he's what you want from the world he deserves a coronation of some kind frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we've had a very good text in about the world's tallest man which is from richard in derby who says i have a question for the tallest man who do you look up to i love it oh it's the little things in life which i imagine the world's tallest man doesn't say if you want to text us on uh questions at the net that the world's tallest man has never been asked before. We're on 8, 12, 15, I think. Now, guess what, guys? I've got the builders in this week.

So something... Slightly embarrassed. I genuinely have got them in. Okay. So they're painting outside of my house. My apartment. Well, no, it's my apartment's on the second floor. Okay. So I keep forgetting they're there.

And they're on the scaffolding. And three mornings in a row now, I flash them. Inadvertently I flash them. Inadvertently? Yeah, inadvertently. I didn't do it on purpose. Well what has been, without going into too much detail, how does that actually happen? You open the curtains in a state of undress. Yeah and they didn't look pleased enough

to be honest with you. They didn't look excited. No. The first day i had i was trying to work out a response so that was safe couldn't really come in the end i i think i didn't sound surprised enough no well nor would they next okay the first day i had on tights and a bra which isn't too bad well i did that just that yeah is that all right? I'm not happy with it, I'll be honest with you. Tights and a bra. Yeah. Oh, no.

And then I had on a Hello Kitty bathrobe. That's better, I think. Yeah. It's a bit weird that it's Hello Kitty, I suppose. Oh, yeah. Hello Builders would have been better. Can you get a Hello Builders bathrobe? Well, that's our phone in next week sorted. Can you get a Hello Builders bathrobe? Well, that's our phone in next week sorted. Can you get a Hello Builders? And on the third day, you rested.

No, I had on quite see-through silk pyjamas, which is what I often wear to bed. It's hot in here, isn't it, Gary? So by the third day, when you knew there were builders looking in... By then you were making an effort. You see you're a sort of I mean don't take this the wrong way but you're the sort of woman I imagine

is no stranger to a negligee. Oh I love a negligee Frank. I imagine you dress a bit like the women in Confessions of a Plumber Very much like that. It sounds like a very Confessions of a Builder this could be. Yeah I'm hoping so. Obviously the Confessions of a Builder this could be. Yeah, I'm hoping so. Obviously the Confessions of a Builder would be a grim tale of exploitation and shoddy workmanship.

But I suppose there'd be a bit of sex in it. So what do you guys wear if you think it's so weird to wear a lady's suit? What when the builders are outside? Well, I just wear a crushed velvet catsuit split to the waist. When I say catsuit, nothing like the one worn by the cat in breakfast that Tiffany's made me make that point. No, in bed, I always wear a T-shirt in bed. Do you?

What sort of, like an old fall T-shirt with an egg stain, maybe? Yeah, I have worn a fall T-shirt in bed. Sometimes I wear the West Bromwich Albion replica football shirt in bed. But you can get quite a lot of static electricity during the night because of its nylon-ness. But I can't sleep naked. My shoulders get cold. What do you not... Just a T-shirt?

Just a T-shirt. It's a horrible thought, I know. Really? Yeah, it's a bit like a very sort of casual Top Cat image. You know, in Top Cat you used to wear a hat and a waistcoat. That was it. Nothing like the cat in Breakfast at T-Shirt. What do you wear Gareth I wear I wear

boxer shorts and baggy when you say boxer shorts you mean large silk shorts the same things like Iron Man

Gareth on them and Everlast the big G yeah you just wear boxer shorts no no like baggy boxer shorts but I don't wear

baggy shorts I imagine you in a shorty kimono about the house in the morning. I said a Hugh Hefner thing, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And a white T-shirt, a white vest.

You wear quite a lot. That sounds a bit prison break. OK. Not a wife beater. So you normally wear silk pyjamas. Oh, yeah, see-through. See-through silk pyjamas. What's the point of...

I guess you get the benefits of the warmth and something against your body but also that people can see through it yes sorry i was lost there i'm gonna now pay a tribute to the great bob moncos who told a great joke i remember saying that as he got older his wife still wore a see-through nightie, but now it was bifocal. Fantastic. Absolute. Radio. We were asking for unusual questions for the world's tallest man on our text, which is 8, 12, 15.

Speaking of famous people, I was walking along the Thames, the River Thames the other day. The side of the Thames or over the water? I wasn't walking, no, I wasn't, no. I mean, I know you're a great admirer of mine, but I cannot do that. And I saw there was a film crew. There's always film crews in London. If anyone who lives outside of London, if you see a film crew, you think it's an exciting event. Londoners tend to go,

It's another film crew, and no mistake in Mr. Holmes, right? And I said, well, I walked past, and I thought there might be a celebrity. It's usually Alexa Chong, for some reason. Whenever I see film in anywhere in London, it's Alexa Chong. She must be endlessly filming. I always find it's Chris Akabusi.

Oh, do you? Yeah, I often see him. I have seen him about twice being filmed. Do you ever see Femi Oki? No. No, I think she's moved to America. I have seen him about twice, Pinkville. Do you ever see Femi Oki? No. No, I think she's moved to America. I heard a story about Femi Oki that she did something like a six-week course at the meteorological office so she could become a weather reader.

And then when she filled in her visa to move to America, when it says occupation, she wrote scientist. That's pushing it, love. Yeah, if you're listening, Femi, I have no verification for that story. Okay, actually, I think... Yes, I'm not going to say who told me, because it was her ex-husband. Oh. Now, in a way, I have told you.

Yeah. So, anyway, I'm walking past, and who was sitting on a chair, who was sitting on a chair waiting to be filmed next to the film crew? Robert Vaughan. Oh, the man from Uncle. The man from Uncle. I mean, and the man from Uncle was far and away my favourite programme when I was a kid. I loved, I had an Uncle suitcase.

Oh, right. Which was, it opened up and it had like an Uncle gone in it and the badges and all that. And also he was in The Magnificent Seven, which is probably one of my favourite films ever. But I never really thought, I thought, oh, there's Robert Vaughan. And I got onto yards down the bank of the river there, walking along, and I thought, oh, I really would have liked to have said hello to Robert Vaughan. Why didn't you? You know, you bottle it a bit in those.

You see a celebrity and you think, oh, I'd love to say hello to them. And I bottle it all the time. And now I really, just that moment to have shook hands with the man from Uncle and the bloke from Magnificent Seven. You missed out. I'm burnt up with regret, I'll be honest with you. It's like when Shaquille O'Neal chatted me up and I didn't go back with him. Did you not?

No. Well, I would have told you if I had. I wouldn't have kept that to myself. She is very tall, isn't she? He is. He's about seven foot seven. This was about 12 years ago, so he was single at the time, I should add, because I believe he's married now.

Yes. You were chatting up by... A bouncer came over to me, and then I was at some party, and then she killed her. A bouncer? Yeah. He likes a basket. He gets someone to do it for him.

And I thought about it, and I thought, well, he might crush me or something. He was too big. So I said no. Yeah. Well, that's a... Fancy that. You turned down Shaquille O'Neal.

I did, yeah. Brilliant. Do you look back on that as a missed opportunity? Oh, hell yeah. I only wanted to shake hands with Robert Vaughan and I'm upset. So imagine if I'd had the chance to have a physical relationship with a famous basketball player. He might have asked you back. Well, Robert Vaughan. If you'd have chatted to Robert Vaughan, who knows where it would have gone? Well, yeah, exactly. He could be on here now.

Is there anyone you've ever thought, yeah, exactly. He could be on here now. Hmm. Hmm. Is there anyone you've ever thought, oh, we should have that celebrity? We went to the Sony Awards, and Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode were there, and I listened to their show, and I really like it, and I really wish I went to talk to them. So your big regret is that you didn't talk to Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode.

Yeah. You're just stupid. Absolute Radio. My mum is funny. She did something. She told me a story this week that really made me laugh. She works at a job centre. Does she?

Yeah, she works in a job centre. She was talking to the psychologist in the job centre that talks to people about why they might not. And so she said, my mum said that when she was talking to the psychologist in the job centre that talks to people about why they might not. And so she said, my mum said that when she was talking to the psychologist, she was trying to act really sane. Yeah. Which you do if you would talk to a psychologist. It's a general, it's a general.

But she has reading glasses and usually she has them on a little chain. So she's got very used to, you know, having that chain. But on this occasion, she didn't have the chain on, but she thought she did. So she said as she was talking, she'd had the whole conversation with the psychologist and then at the end, just sort of threw the glasses off her face. In the general direction of the psychologist.

Onto the floor. Yeah, I'm wearing disposables today. Wow, that must have terrified him. No, I normally wear a chain. I normally wear a chain on them. And also, a good thing, if you want people to think you're not mad, is to shout, I normally wear a chain. I should think he's thinking,

yeah, you should be wearing a chain, madam. That's fabulous. Did they break the glass? Well, at least there's a happy ending to that story ladies and gentlemen i'm happy to i remember going to the what we used to call the outdoor when i was a kid which was like the off the nearby off license and we took our whippets me and my dad took our whippet there and um i love that you had a whippet oh yeah and as we walked into the shop the bloke behind the counter said, even, and then he suddenly looked absolutely terrified.

And what happened is the whippet had slipped the collar just before we'd gone into the shop. So the old man had walked in with an empty collar and lead. And the bloke had just assumed it was some lunatic. He'd probably kidnapped a local child and taken an invisible dog for a walk. Oh, those were the days.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Back for the second hour, and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it, I'm loving it like this. Extraordinary. I have bursts of excitement to go. Do you not get that? I know you do. My girlfriend

says I've got too much serotonin. You're like a Labrador puppy. You get all excited. I'm like a Labrador puppy in that I'm often covered in toilet paper. That's really sweet. We were talking about when you ran into someone famous and it was a missed opportunity. There's a really sweet text we just had in saying, I wish I'd spoken to you, Frank, when I saw you on the Paris Eurostar a couple of months ago.

Sarah from Eastcote. Oh, well, you see, that could have been a lovely friendship. I know. What were you doing on the Paris Eurostar? I was filming for Children in Need. It sounded like it was some sort of murder. What were you doing? I suppose you're wondering why I brought you all here. You, what were you doing on the Paris Eurostar?

Well, it was a simple business trip. How simple was it? I'm sorry, that one. We accidentally got Radio 4 Drama on there. Yes. Have anyone else texted us on 8, 12, 15? You see what I did there? Because I told that they gave the number without making it an obvious giving the number thing.

There's a nice text from someone called Teresa who says, morning all, I grew up in the midlands and you're taking me back to my childhood with words like dos outdoor and whip it thanks for that the outdoor is what we used to call an off license and it is what we used to see used to see middle-aged working class women walking back from the outdoor with a jog with their hand over the top of the jog gone to get back from the outdoor with a jug, with their hand over the top of the jug, gone to get beer from the outdoor in a big jug. What, they just gave you alcohol in a jug? In a jug.

Well, you had to take your own jug. Oh. Yeah, all the mid-life women in the West Midlands had big jugs. Hi. What? What? Oh, my God. What?

No, they did. They used to take a jug up to the off-line. That would be very good for the environment, wouldn't it, if we did that sort of thing more nowadays? Yeah, if we just took jogs to the shops. Yeah. Put some butter in there. Tap-a-wear.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. When I was an alcoholic, not that I haven't stopped being an alcoholic, but I don't enjoy it like I used to. I used to queue up for what they call loose sherry. Loose sherry? And loose sherry is in the grocer's shop. It's in a big plastic barrel behind the counter.

And you take your own bottle. And they used to be made... Shut up. I don't believe that. It's true. So I'd get there about 8.30 in the morning. They opened at 9, but I liked my place in the queue. There'd be about six alcoholics queuing up with various receptacles. And I got away and we took in an Alpine

pop bottle, which was actually two pints. And it was ages before the man who owned the shop worked out that I was getting twice my load on the sherry front. If he's listening, I'd like to thank you for that, for pushing me finally over the brink, till I thought, sherry's not working anymore, I'm going to try Perno. Anyway, I don't know if this is the context for talking

about the grim life of the alcoholic. I like the idea of the differing receptacles, though, for the alcohol. I wonder what the world's tallest man would have if he was to... I imagine he'd take a yard of ale. I imagine he regularly drinks out of a yard of ale. Did we get another good text? Our phone in this morning is questions you'd like to ask the world's tallest man that he hasn't been asked before.

What was the swimming pool one? I really like that. Our phone in this morning is questions you'd like to ask the world's tallest man that he hasn't been asked before. Oh, yeah. What was the swimming pool one? I really like that. Oh, yeah. Can you talk amongst yourselves while I find it, please? Whitey's question for the world's tallest man is why the long face? Okay. Thanks, Whitey. You can tell by his nickname, Whitey, he's a bit of a character, am I right? Whitey legend. Or maybe he's anemic.

This is a good question but he's remained anonymous, which he or she shouldn't, because it's a good question for the world's tallest man. Have you ever walked from the shallow end of a swimming pool to the deep end with a small amount of pride? I wonder if he would even need to go, you know, the awkward bit where you have to get

your crotch in. Maybe you wouldn't even have to do that when you go swimming. Oh no, what's happened now is you've said crotch. Crotch is fine. The only way I think. Is crotch not okay? Yeah, but you know he's got a crotch as well. This has obviously been a word plan. You've brought up his disability. You've made a slightly rude joke. I'm so embarrassed. Only one thing

can turn this around. Do you know what that is? The fall. It is the fall. You've guessed it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ross Noble's in the studio. Good morning. Hi.

We all went to your show last night. It was a bit of a works outing. Oh, nice. We laughed. We had a great time. I laughed. I couldn't sit there. We were in separate... I was in the opposite...

Oh, you moved away, did you? No, we just had separate seats. Very good seats. Thank you for that. We didn't pay, in case you, did you? No, we just had separate seats. They were very good seats, and thank you for that. We didn't pay, in case you didn't know. No, that's quite all right. I hope you haven't come in to collect. I was doing the ice creams at Interval. I don't know if you saw that.

I went for Smarties last night. Oh, did you? I have to say, if anyone's going to see Ross Noble, who is on at the Apollo Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue at eight o'clock every evening, till when, Ross? For six weeks. Yeah. I bought some Smarties. Noble, who is on at the Apollo Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue at 8 o'clock every evening. Till when? For six weeks. I bought some Smarties. I don't

want a Project Place. I know Project Place was acceptable nowadays, but I bought some Smarties. And a box, quite a big box, and I thought this was going to be a fiver. Two quid! Oh, that's a big one. I subsidised that. Do you really? I said that. You're doing a great job. I said there can be a lot of people from the Midlands complaining about the high price of confectionery. I'm going to personally subsidise that. Do you really? I said that. You're doing a great job. I said there can be a lot of people from the Midlands complaining about the high price of

confectionery. I'm going to personally subsidise that myself. Well, you were made my night. I'll tell you that. I was so... Because one expects, you know, things to be hiked up, is the word I'm after. Hiked up. But no, that was brilliant. So... Thanks. I'm glad you like the show.

Everyone else is what I got. No, I love the show. What a top night. Skinner's there, very loudly pontificating about snacks. Smarties, cheap. Billy Elliot, four pounds. I'm just throwing in all the pluses is what I'm doing. It's a funny show. And the seats are lovely and velvety.

They are. You can rub your hands down the back of them. I wouldn't do that. No, not down the back. No, you never know where you're going. Oh, no, but they're theatre seats. Theatre seats fall down like that, so you can't reach down to get the change out of them. Yes.

That's why they were designed like that. Is that right? Yeah. You're a liar, Ross. No, I'm not. I completely fell for that. Yeah. So let's make this absolutely clear.

That's where you're on. You're on a show which is called Things. Things, yeah. And it's on at the Apollo Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue in London, which is a large conurbation in the south-east of England, for those of you listening outdoors. And now, can I start by saying you've got a very

big thing on stage with you. I have. Yes, it's a large inflatable thing. Which you barely referred to. No, I don't. You only referred to it because someone else asked about it. Yeah, yeah, no, and I try not Yes, it's a large inflatable thing. Which you barely referred to. No, I don't. You only referred to it because someone else asked about it. Yeah, yeah, no, and I try not to, yeah. How can we describe this? We'll let Ross describe it.

It's a tortoise-bodied, lobster-clawed, dinosaur-leg, tentacle, four-headed, winged Ross beast is what it is. It's got four heads that are all your heads. Yeah, yeah, it's got massive wings. It's sort of like, I'm a big fan of, of, like, rock. I like that whole, sort of, yeah.

And you know, Iron Maiden had that. You don't mean rock as in the stuff you bite the seaside. I do. That's exactly what I mean, yeah. How much are you charging

for that at that? I'm charging a pound. Well, that's good. Fully subsidised. That's good. For people, but only from the Midlands. Yeah,

just see it when I play Wolverhampton. Have you got a special machine that checks accents and a reading comes up on a digital screen? Wouldn't that be great? West Bromwich. West Bromwich, that'll be two quid, sir. Thank you very much.

An alarm goes off when that comes on. Where are you from? Home County. He's 15. Yeah, no, the poster for the show is designed by, it was done by Derek Riggs that did all the Iron Maiden artwork. Oh, was it? Yeah, because initially I said,

oh, I quite like it in a sort of Iron Maiden style. And then they organised the actual guy. And so, yeah, so the set is kind of based on that. But I'm a big fan of having enormous big daft things and then just not mentioning it I did a show in Edinburgh once, I called it Chicken Master and it had nothing to do with chickens it was just a daft name

and I had this enormous gothic castle built that was in the shape of a chicken and it lit up and all the rest of it and I just walked out and hung my coat on it and I didn't mention it for the whole show I just like stuff like that. I once saw a mainstream comic in the West Midlands who came on stage with an enormous pair of antlers on his head,

which he never referred to. The 20 minutes never referred to that. Right at the end, he said, do you think I've got too much mousse on this? Which made my night. But it looks like it's a difficult thing. Because I should point out that this monster on the behind rock is 20 feet high, isn't it?

Yeah, it's enormous. It's an enormous thing. How do you get it about? You weren't concentrating on the show at all. You couldn't. Don't look. Don't put a 20 foot monster, four-headed monster behind you and then reprimand me for noticing it. How do I what? How do you transport it? Does it

deflate? It does, yeah, yeah. Can't cost for that. Yeah, yeah. But I'm there for six weeks, so it doesn't need to be deflated and inflated a lot. So you had to bring it from... Did you use that in Australia as well, the monster? I used it on tour.

I did, like, 85 dates. And, yeah, toured it around. Then my last tour, I had a giant, same size, but it was a massive version of me at the back of the stage with a big head with a face projected that actually talked at the start of the show. Do you think you'll ever think at the start of a tour, I don't know if I'm going to bother with the big, giant...

No, I love that. That's what you're doing. Yeah, that's one of the great things about it. Why have a job where you can, you know, have an enormous thing and then not have it? Yes. Well, I often think that. What happens to them post-tour?

Are they in your house? Yeah, well, they were, but my house burned down, so they were all in the shed. He said that last night. He hasn't got a house now. So, no, one of them, the big me, is actually in a storage unit in

West London, which I love the idea of somebody breaking in late at night and accidentally hitting the inflatable thing and just this enormous hippie just goes and points at them. I'm going to have some adverts though, because if there's any children listening they're going to be quite frightened by that. Absolute Radio

What do you think about this? Saturday morning Who's gonna play with me? That would be the eels, wouldn't it? It is, yeah. Eels. It's just eels. Yeah, yeah, I always make that mistake.

I thought that was Gareth and I thought he sounded brilliant for a minute. I'm thinking, I'm trying it out as a jingle but I'm wondering if it's a bit too long. What do you think, Ross? I'll tell you what, speaking of jingles and Coldplay,

I went to see a baseball game, and you know how in baseball they all have, it's not like the football and that, where they just play, it's like it stops and it starts. Every time a guy come up to do the batting, they had a little song, like each one had the song, and he'd chosen Coldplay, I can't remember what the song is,

but it's that one that goes, I used one had the song. And he'd chosen Coldplay, I can't remember what the song is, but it's that one that goes, I used to rule the world. But it was just that bit of the song. And he obviously liked the bit that went, because that's quite uplifting as he goes to, but they'd selected the wrong bit. So every time he went to bat, it went,

I used to rule the world. And then it stopped. So he just looked like a dismal failure before he'd started yeah someone who someone who was absolutely yeah i was at the top i'll give it a go now i might be able to hit the book it was oh no it was it was people saying i don't like this guy he's too nostalgic exactly there used to be a bat a batter called albert bell do you remember him who played for the cleveland indians no no massive bloke. And when he came out, because he was called Albert Bell, he used to have like a

church bell from a horror film. It was terrifying. But was that in those proper old days? Was it before electronical music? No, I think it was a type of a bell. No, there wasn't some hunchback character in a habit

swinging. Well, there might have been. I didn't see him. I assume it was a type. Oh, he's a swinging hunchback. I love a swinging hunchback. Remember, that's an old fairground game. You get an air rifle, then they swing. Anyway, so you've got a TV show. I do have a TV show coming out, yes.

What's that? What's that like? Oh, good Lord. What happened there? It's like, the hand and deck possess your body. What's that like? What happened there? Ant and dick. Possess your body. You're over it. I'd say it was 70% ant, 3% dick. It's a version of The Fly.

You know The Fly? Yeah, it's Jeff Goldblum. It's the ant. You know what I always used to think about that film, The Fly, right? You know when he gets in the machine? The pod. Yes, sorry. 70% anyway you know what I used to think about that film The Fly you know when he gets in the machine the pod

yes sorry incorrect on my sci-fi knowledge here doesn't happen very often I'm guessing

the door he sort of comes out and he's sort of he's a little bit like at that point he's man but he's got

a bit of fly in him a little bit of fly yeah he hasn't but at no point does he just go I fancy a a bit of poo. Do you know what I mean? No, he never brings that up. And why doesn't it, why isn't there a musical sequence where he sings Everyone Says I'm Pretty Fly for a white guy?

Perfect. Yeah, don't think. Your TV show. I've got a TV show, yeah. Yes, it starts... It's based on The Fly with Jeff Goldblum. It is, that's exactly what it is. Well, what a coincidence. It's me being swatted by a selection of celebrities. Can I come on?

You know what? There's shows like that people would watch. If it was just, like, celebrity swatting. Like, I came up with a show once, right, and it was called Vanessa Felt Fight a Pig, right? Right. And it was basically just half an hour of Vanessa in a leotard fighting a live pig, right? Right. And there's no,

there's no, like, nobody votes, nobody gets voted on or off, there's no sort of, you know, there's no high concept to it, it's literally just her, not even an audience, just a barn, just an open, you know, just an open farmyard. No rules. No rules at all. Just, but one of those big pigs, you know, those massive,

you know, those big, like know those massive You know those big like Hog things Oh yeah And it's just Vanessa Just punching Punching it repeatedly Was she in a leotard or something Yeah yeah

Like a full You know She said she's in a leotard Are you going to pay attention I didn't She gets you know A pig in the headlock And the pig's lying on her

For a bit And it's just A pig in the headlock Sounds like a meal doesn't it It's like toad in the hole I don't know But it's And no audience bringing a headlock sounds like a meal doesn't it it's like towing it the whole but it's and no audience

just like a couple of farmers just sort of leaning over a fence just having a bit of a look and every now and again oh yeah

and the thing is is that that in itself like people are trying to work out why TV you know viewing figures

are dropping and stuff if you saw that in the pier and it said Vanessa Feltz fight a pig and that's what it was everyone would watch it said, Vanessa Feltz, fight a pig, and that's what it was, everyone would watch it. I imagine

Vanessa Feltz is at home now, scribbling this down. I imagine. As fast as she can. She's squealing. Anyway. Excitement. Anyway. I have a TV show. So there's Ross's new TV show out there. No, I do have a TV show. It's on Channel... Absolute Radio. Ross was good, wasn't he? Oh, I really

liked him. He was sweet. I got a little hug as he left. Really? Just saying. I was meaning he was funny rather than he was very touchy-touchy feeling. Yeah, exactly. We just had a text in that I'd like to read out, which is, do you remember we played that song I Am Vexed by...

No, they're called I Am Vexed. Oh, they're called. That's the most middle-aged thing I've ever heard yeah but who's heard of this band did you want my axe or I am vexed which one is it I am vexed is the band and the song's called did you want my axe that's right well somebody has said they've remained nameless hi Frank I thought this song was a posh version of the streets he could be known as the driveway which I thought was a brilliant observation I The Driveway, I'm liking it. Yeah, the pedestrian area.

The Gated Road. Yes, The Gated Road actually is not a bad name for a band. Is it a Beatles song? No. Well, a friend of mine is starting a band at the moment, and he was saying that there's websites you can go on and they'll tell you possible new band names. But I like the gated road i thought we'd cleared that up with the pig men of florentine oh of course the pig men of florentine

of course yeah well i forgot to pass that on well let's hope someone doesn't jump in on the pig men of florentine that could be a vanessa feltz uh spin-off program couldn't it when she tours italy oh dear so um we move now towards the end of the show. It's been a good laugh. You know I love doing this. I'm actually on holiday at the moment. I'm having a staycation, but I came back because I just love... To me, it's not... Don't tell Absolute, but it's not really like work.

Oh. Don't tell him that because... That's your manager laughing. Yeah, that's because he knows that they do actually pay me for it. But I love it. Don't you love it? Yeah, I love it. We love our work. You know what else we love? We love you, our beloved listeners.

So thanks for listening today. And goodbye from Emily and goodbye from Gareth. And good day to you.